23 witty short jokes to tickle you and brighten your day

11/26/2025 by

If you’re looking for some witty short jokes to make you smile, then here are 23 that I hope will brighten your day.

There’s nothing like a good laugh to make the day feel brighter. Well, I think so, anyway.

So, enjoy the fun, and then please pass them on.

WITTY SHORT JOKES
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Witty Short Jokes:

  1. I saw a robbery in an Apple Store. Does that make me an iWitness?
  2. Q: Does February like March? A: No, but April May
  3. I have a fear of long distances, so I go to great lengths to avoid them.
  4. Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: Ground beef.
  5. If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
  6. Q: What did the snowman say to the customer? A: Have an ice day!
  7. Milk is the fastest liquid on earth. It’s pasteurized before you even see it!
  8. Q: Why do seals swim in saltwater? A: Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
  9. I had a fear of speed bumps but I slowly got over it
  10. Q: When does a duck wake up? A: At the quack of dawn.
  11. My girlfriend left me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I don’t have any.
  12. Q: How does an Elephant get out of a tree? A: It sits on a leaf and waits till the Fall.
  13. I don’t normally tell Dad jokes, but when I do, he always laughs.
  14. Q: Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A: A convict.
  15. I went to my doctor to see why I had such an excessive fear of snakes. He said I have a reptile dysfunction.
  16. Q: What do you call a reindeer with no eyes? A: No eye deer.
  17. A girl in the office asked me if I had a date for Valentine’s Day. I told her it’s always February 14th, as far as I know.
  18. Q: What vegetable was forbidden on the ships of Arctic explorers? A: Leeks!
  19. An old man is struck by a car and brought to the hospital. A nurse enters his room and says, “Sir, are you comfortable?” The old man replies, “I make a nice living.”
  20. Q: What do you give to a pumpkin who’s trying to quit smoking? A: A pumpkin patch!
  21. I have a fear of overly designed buildings. It’s a complex complex complex.
  22. Q: What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? A: Snowballs!
  23. I saw a math book and a dictionary on a date last night. They looked like they had good chemistry!
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Humorous Quotes by American Comedians

11/26/2025 by

A Collection of Witty One-Liners

This blog post explores the essence of comedy and humorous quotes by American comedians. In my opinion, American comedy is among the very best you’ll find anywhere.

Laughter is a universal language that brings people together. American comedians have a special talent for crafting witty observations that make us chuckle and think. Their clever quips often reveal truths about life, society, and human nature.

Funny quotes from comedians can brighten our day and offer a fresh perspective on the world around us.

From classic one-liners to longer bits of wisdom, these humorous remarks showcase the unique voices of America’s top jokesters. Their words can make us smile, nod in agreement, or see things in a new light.

This collection of 50 amusing quotes spans different eras and styles of comedy.

It features both timeless gems and contemporary zingers that reflect our current culture. Whether you’re looking for a good laugh or some lighthearted insight, these comedic nuggets are sure to deliver.

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The Essence of Comedy in American Culture

Comedy plays a vital role in American society. It brings people together through shared laughter and helps us cope with life’s challenges.

American humor often reflects the nation’s diverse cultural landscape. Comedians draw inspiration from everyday experiences, current events, and social issues.

Wit and wordplay are key elements of American comedy.

Funny quotes from comedians like W.C. Fields showcase this clever use of language.

Laughter is seen as a universal language that bridges divides. It promotes happiness and can even have health benefits.

Jokes in American culture often poke fun at societal norms and human quirks. This self-deprecating humor allows people to laugh at themselves and their circumstances.

American comedians use various styles to elicit laughter:

  • Observational humor
  • Sarcasm and irony
  • Physical comedy
  • Impersonations
  • Satire

Comedy also serves as a form of social commentary. It can highlight important issues in a way that’s both entertaining and thought-provoking.

Many famous comedians have left lasting impacts on American culture through their unique perspectives and memorable one-liners.

The ability to find humor in life’s ups and downs is highly valued in American society. It’s seen as a sign of resilience and a positive outlook.

Comedic Commentary on Life

Life’s ups and downs provide endless material for comedians. Their witty observations help us laugh at everyday struggles.

On marriage, Rodney Dangerfield quipped, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” This humorous take on relationships resonates with many couples.

Comedians often share wisdom through humor. Steven Wright noted, “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” His simple yet profound observation makes people think while they laugh.

Self-esteem and body image are common targets. Phyllis Diller joked, “I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.” This quip about middle age and exercise hits home for many.

Insomnia gets its share of laughs too. Comedian Mike Birbiglia said, “I’m not afraid of death. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

These comedians use humor to shed light on life’s challenges. Their jokes help us see things from new perspectives and find laughter in unexpected places.

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Pioneers of Humor

American comedy has been shaped by talented individuals who mastered the art of making people laugh. These pioneers created unforgettable jokes and witty observations that still resonate today.

Legendary One-Liners

George Burns was known for his quick wit and perfect timing. He once quipped, “I look to the future because that’s where I’m going to spend the rest of my life.” This blend of humor and wisdom became his trademark.

Rodney Dangerfield’s self-deprecating style made him a comedy icon. His famous line, “I get no respect,” became a catchphrase that defined his career.

Groucho Marx’s rapid-fire delivery and wordplay set him apart. He famously said, “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.”

Wit and Wisdom

Mark Twain’s humor often carried deeper meanings. He once remarked, “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”

George Carlin pushed boundaries with his observational comedy. He pointed out life’s absurdities, saying, “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

Phyllis Diller broke barriers for women in comedy. Her self-deprecating humor was evident in lines like, “I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.”

These pioneers laid the groundwork for generations of comedians to come, proving that laughter truly is timeless.

Modern Comedic Icons

American comedy has been shaped by brilliant minds who revolutionized humor on screen and stage. These comedians pushed boundaries and connected with audiences through relatable jokes and memorable characters.

Television Trailblazers

Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David created the groundbreaking sitcom “Seinfeld,” which changed TV comedy forever. The show’s observational humor and quirky characters resonated with viewers.

Ellen DeGeneres brought her stand-up skills to daytime TV, hosting a popular talk show for nearly two decades. Her warmth and wit made her a household name.

Trevor Noah took over “The Daily Show” in 2015, bringing a fresh perspective to late-night comedy. His sharp political commentary and international background set him apart.

Film and Stand-Up Stars

Chris Rock’s biting social commentary and energetic performances made him a stand-up legend. He also found success in films like “Grown Ups” and “Madagascar.”

Jim Carrey’s rubber-faced antics and physical comedy style led to major movie hits. “Ace Ventura” and “Dumb and Dumber” showcased his unique comedic talents.

Amy Poehler rose to fame on “Saturday Night Live” before starring in “Parks and Recreation.” Her quick wit and lovable characters endeared her to audiences.

Bill Murray’s deadpan delivery and dry humor made him a comedy icon. From “Ghostbusters” to “Lost in Translation,” his film career spans decades.

Humor and Relationships

Comedians often poke fun at the ups and downs of romance. Their witty observations about love and marriage can make us laugh at life’s absurdities.

Rodney Dangerfield was famous for his self-deprecating jokes about marriage. He once quipped, “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”

Groucho Marx also had plenty to say on the topic. One of his classic lines about relationships was, “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”

Some comedians focus on the challenges of dating:

  • Awkward first impressions
  • Mismatched expectations
  • The perils of online dating

Others tackle the humorous side of long-term partnerships:

  • In-laws and family dynamics
  • Sharing a bathroom
  • Arguing over household chores

These jokes can help couples laugh at their own quirks and conflicts. Humor often provides a way to discuss relationship issues in a lighthearted manner.

Many people find comfort in knowing that even famous comedians struggle with love. It reminds us that relationship woes are a universal human experience.

Contemporary Wit and Quips

Modern comedians have a unique way of pointing out life’s absurdities. They use clever wordplay and sharp observations to make us laugh and think.

Satirical Sharpshooters

Jon Stewart and Amy Schumer are known for their biting social commentary. Stewart’s quips often target politics and media. He once said, “If you don’t stick to your values when they’re being tested, they’re not values: they’re hobbies.” This shows how he uses humor to make serious points.

Schumer tackles gender issues with wit. She jokes about body image and dating norms. Her style mixes self-deprecation with cultural criticism.

Jimmy Kimmel and Conan O’Brien use their late-night platforms for topical humor. They poke fun at current events and celebrities. Their monologues blend news and jokes, making complex topics more digestible.

Masters of Misdirection

Zach Galifianakis and Maria Bamford excel at unexpected humor. Galifianakis is known for his deadpan delivery and odd non-sequiturs. His “Between Two Ferns” interviews catch guests off-guard with bizarre questions.

Bamford’s comedy often deals with mental health in surprising ways. She uses different voices and surreal scenarios to explore serious topics. This approach helps reduce stigma while still being funny.

Steven Wright is famous for his dry one-liners that twist logic. He once quipped, “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” His jokes make people think while they laugh.

Jim Gaffigan uses a unique voice technique to comment on his own jokes. This adds an extra layer of humor to his observations about food and family life.

Cultural Impact of Comedic Television

TV comedies shape American culture in big ways. They influence how people talk, dress, and think about social issues.

Influential TV Series

The Office changed how people view office work. Its mockumentary style made boring jobs seem funny. The show’s quotes became part of everyday speech.

I Love Lucy broke new ground for women in comedy. It showed a strong female lead in the 1950s. Lucy’s antics made people laugh while pushing social norms.

Cheers captured the feel of a local bar where everyone knows your name. It showed the value of community in a big city. The show’s characters felt like real friends to viewers.

Comedy in Animated Shows

The Simpsons has been a mirror for American society since 1989. It pokes fun at family life, politics, and pop culture. The show’s jokes often predict real-world events.

South Park tackles tough topics with crude humor. It makes people think about issues in new ways. The show’s fast production lets it comment on current events quickly.

Family Guy uses cutaway gags to reference pop culture. Its style influenced other animated comedies. The show pushes boundaries of what’s acceptable on TV.

Quotations on Specific Themes

Comedians often use their unique perspectives to comment on various aspects of life. Their witty observations cover topics ranging from the challenges of fame to everyday struggles.

Navigating Fame and Public Image

Famous comedians frequently joke about the ups and downs of life in the spotlight. Jerry Seinfeld quipped, “Being a celebrity is like being in politics, you don’t get elected to it without the people’s consent.”

Ellen DeGeneres humorously noted, “I’m glad I’m not famous in a different time period, when all a person could do for fun was go to the zoo and throw peanuts at my head.”

Some comedians use self-deprecating humor to address public image. Rodney Dangerfield famously said, “I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”

The Comedic Take on Daily Struggles

Comedians often find humor in life’s everyday challenges. Bill Burr joked about self-esteem, saying, “I’m not saying I’m better than you, I’m just saying I’m better than you think I am.”

Louis C.K. commented on parenting struggles: “I’m not a good father. I’m not a good husband. I’m just very good at buying ice cream.”

Many comedians use observational humor to highlight common experiences. Jim Gaffigan quipped about food, “I’m convinced cheese is addictive. I mean, do you ever hear anyone say, ‘I’m not in the mood for cheese’?”

These quotes show how comedians use humor to make light of daily life and connect with their audience through shared experiences.

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Did any of it make smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

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Funny Comebacks : Here are 37 for dealing with rude people

11/25/2025 by

The art of funny comebacks is well worth developing.

We all have to deal with rude comments and mean, spiteful people occasionally. That’s all part of human existence.

However, how often do you wish you had a suitable response ready to go to put such people firmly in their place?

If only you had a stock of funny comebacks to choose from when situations dictated.

Well, here are 37 funny comebacks that you might find useful when you’re faced with dealing with rude, mean, or difficult people. How many of these can you use today?

If you particularly like any of these funny comebacks, please share this post with your friends, but only after you’ve enjoyed them all first.

Remember: When you share, everyone wins.

FUNNY COMEBACKS
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Funny Comebacks (1-10):

  1. You know, you really should buy some breath mints. 
  2. I have better things to do than listen to you.
  3. Whoever told you to be yourself has given you bad advice.
  4. I don’t care what everyone else says; I don’t think you’re that bad.
  5. Stupidity’s not a crime, so you’re free to go.
  6. I believed in evolution until I met you.
  7. Have you ever wondered why people don’t like you?
  8. I accept that I’m not perfect, but at least I’m not you.
  9. If ignorance is bliss, then you must be the happiest person on the planet.
  10. You always bring me so much joy ……. the minute you leave the room.

Funny Comebacks (11-20):

  1. I don’t need a proctologist to tell me you’re an asshole.
  2. I’m not a cactus expert, but I do know a prick when I see one.
  3. I would explain it to you, but I have neither the time nor the crayons! 
  4. Sorry, buddy, but I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.
  5. Look, if I wanted to hear from an asshole, all I had to do was fart.
  6. If only your dad had used a condom, the world would be a better place.
  7. You have your entire life to be a jerk. Take a day off and give the rest of us a break.
  8. Everyone said you were unpleasant, but I didn’t believe them ……. until now.
  9. Sorry, but you’re confusing me with someone who actually cares about what you think.
  10. Are you always such an idiot, or do you just like to show off when I’m around? 
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Funny Comebacks (21-30):

  1. I don’t remember asking for your opinion.
  2. I understand what you’re saying, but if I agreed with you, then we’d both be wrong.
  3. Everyone’s entitled to act stupid once in a while, but you’re abusing the privilege.
  4. Remember when I asked for your opinion? Well, me neither.
  5. No wonder everyone talks about you behind your back.
  6. Mirrors don’t lie, and lucky for you, they don’t laugh either.
  7. I was going to give you a nasty look, but I can see you’ve already got one.
  8. I’m busy; you’re ugly. Have a nice day.
  9. Why don’t you check eBay and see if they have a personality for sale?
  10. It’s better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you’re stupid rather than open it and remove all doubt.

Funny Comebacks (31-37):

  1. I hope you step on a Lego with your bare feet. 
  2. You only annoy me when you’re breathing, really.
  3. Of course, I talk like an idiot. How else would you be able to understand me?
  4. You can keep rolling your eyes if you must, but you’re unlikely to find a brain back there.
  5. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’m guessing it’s hard to pronounce.
  6. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
  7. You, sir, are a human version of period cramps.

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People really do love sharp and funny comebacks, so please share this post now.

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5 long funny stories with morals to tell your friends

11/22/2025 by
5 LONG FUNNY STORIES WITH MORALS

Here are five long funny stories with morals to tell your friends. They all made me smile, and I hope they brighten your day, too.

So, take a few moments to enjoy them all.

And please feel free to share them.

LONG FUNNY STORIES WITH MORALS
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Long funny stories with morals:

1. The nuns’ dilemma:

There were these two very clever, Catholic nuns. They were so clever that one was known only as Sister Mathematical, whilst the other went only by the name of Sister Logical.

One afternoon, they were returning to the Convent of St Mary, but they were still a long way off when it was beginning to get dark.

“Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes?” said Sister Mathematical. “I wonder what he wants?”

“There’s a logical explanation,” said Sister Logical, “He wants to have his wicked way with us.”

“Oh Lord, no!” Sister Mathematical responded. “At the rate at which he’s walking, he will catch up with us in 13.8 minutes. What can we do?”

“The logical thing would be to walk faster.” Sister Logical replied.

So they carried on at a brisk pace, trying not to look back.

A few minutes went by, and Sister Mathematical observed, “We’ve doubled our pace, but this plan isn’t working.”

“Naturally, it’s not working,” said Sister Logical, “The man responded logically by quickening his pace too. He’s now gaining on us.”

“What can we do?” asked Sister Mathematical. “At this rate, he’ll reach us in less than one minute.”

“The logical thing to do now is to split”, replied Sister Logical. “If we go off in different directions, he can’t follow both of us.”

So off they went in different directions and, as luck would have it, the man followed Sister Logical.

Eventually, Sister Mathematical arrived back at the convent, but she was worried about what might have happened to her friend.

Within a few minutes, Sister Logical suddenly appeared, back at the convent.

“Oh, Sister Logical”, Sister Mathematical exclaimed. “Thank the Lord, you’re back safely. Tell me what happened.”

“Well, logically, the man could only follow one of us”, said Sister Logical, “and he chose to follow me.”

“Yes, yes!” said Sister Mathematical, “But what happened then?”

“Well, I took the logical course of action”, said Sister Logical, “and I ran as fast as I could and even faster than we had been running together.”

“So then what happened?” Sister Mathematical replied.

“He responded logically, and he ran even faster, too,” said Sister Logical. “And within a minute, he’d caught up with me.”

“Oh, dear Lord!” said Sister Mathematical. “What did you do then?”

“I did the only logical thing I could do”, Sister Logical replied, “I lifted the skirt of my habit to my waist.”

“Oh, dear Lord!” said Sister Mathematical. “And what did he do then?”

“The logical thing for him”, Sister Logical replied. “He pulled his trousers down to his ankles.”

“Oh, dear Lord!” said Sister Mathematical. “And what happened next?”

“Isn’t that logical, Sister?” Sister Logical responded. “A nun with her habit up can run a lot faster than a man with his trousers down.”

Moral of the Story: Readers eagerly anticipating a story of a more adult nature, go and say three Hail Marys!

2. Community service:

One day, a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

The barber did an excellent job and, being very pleased with the result, the florist asked for the bill.

“There’s no charge today, sir”, said the barber. “I can’t accept money from you because I’m doing community service this week.”

The florist appreciated this generous gesture, so he thanked the barber and left the shop.

However, when the barber arrived to open his shop the next morning, a dozen roses were waiting for him on his doorstep with a Thank You card from the florist.

Not long after the shop opened, a cop came in for a haircut.

Once again, the barber does an excellent job, but when the cop tries to settle the bill, he gets the same response.

“There’s no charge today, sir”, said the barber. “I can’t accept money from you because I’m doing community service this week.”

The cop said he appreciated the gesture and thanked the barber. He then left the shop.

However, when the barber arrived to open his shop the next morning, there was a box of a dozen donuts waiting for him on his doorstep with a Thank You card from the cop.

Later that day, a congressman walked in for a haircut.

Once again, the barber excelled himself, producing the perfect haircut, but when the congressman tried to settle the bill, he got the same response too.

“There’s no charge today, sir”, said the barber. “I can’t accept money from you because I’m doing community service this week.”

So the congressman thanked the barber and happily left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open his shop, there were a dozen congressmen lined up in the street waiting for a free haircut.

Moral of the Story: Politicians are driven only by self-interest and what’s in it for them.

3. Sunday Service:

It’s Sunday morning, and the Pastor at the Church of the Holy Sepulchre in Carmel, California, is delivering his sermon.

Midway through the sermon, the Pastor asks three men in the front row, “Gentlemen, what would you want your loved ones to say as they’re looking down at you in your coffin?”

Phil responds first and says, “That I was a good husband and father.”

Then Jim says, “That I lived an honest life and was kind to others.”

Finally, Dan couldn’t help himself, and he quips, “Look! He’s moving!“

Moral of the Story: Never, ever take life too seriously.

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4. The crocodile farm:

There was a group of tourists visiting a crocodile farm in the Florida Keys, and they were standing on a floating structure in the middle of an enormous lake, surrounded by crocodiles.

Suddenly, the farm’s owner shouts, “The first person to jump into the lake and successfully swim to shore will receive 10 million dollars.”

The silence was deafening. People were looking at each other with expressions of absolute horror on their faces.

Then suddenly, a man jumps into the water and starts swimming like his life depended on it.

As the other visitors watched events unfold, the man headed for the shore, with a dozen crocodiles chasing in hot pursuit, all anticipating an unexpected meal.

The crocodiles were fast, but the man swam like greased lightning, and he managed to reach the shore unharmed.

As the man staggered up the beach, the owner announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!”

After receiving the reward, the man and his wife returned to their hotel.

The man’s face was still ashen as he said to his wife, “I didn’t jump. Someone pushed me.“

His wife smiled and, with a wink of her eye, said, “I know, dear, it was me!“

Moral of the Story: Behind every successful man, there’s always a woman to give him a little push.

5. The old lady at the bank:

An old lady walked up to the counter in her bank, handed her bank card to the teller and then said, “Mam, I would like to withdraw $10.”

Giving the old lady a look bordering on contempt, the teller replied, “For withdrawals of less than $100, you must use the ATM, mam.”

Looking a little crestfallen, the old lady asked why she couldn’t withdraw her money from the counter.

“These are the rules, mam,” said the teller irritably, as she returned the bank card to the old lady. “Now move along, please, because there’s a line of customers behind you.”

The old lady remained silent for a few seconds as she gathered her thoughts.

She then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Then please, can you help me withdraw all the money I have in my account?”

The teller took the old lady’s card and tapped her details into the computer. She was astonished to see just how much the old lady had in her account.

“Mam, you have over $300,000 in your account,” said the teller, “the bank doesn’t have that much cash available today. You’ll need to make an appointment and come back tomorrow?”

The old lady smiled and asked, “How much can I withdraw now?”

“Well, mam, you can withdraw up to $3,000”, the teller responded.

“In that case, let me have $3,000 now, in $10 bills, please“, said the old lady.

So, the teller laboriously counted out the $3,000 in $10 bills, then counted again, and finally, she handed the cash to the old lady.

As the old lady took $10 from the top of the pile and put it in her purse, the teller then said, “Would there be anything else I can help you with today, mam?”

“Yes!” said the old lady with a smile, “I’d like to deposit $2990 into my account, please.”

Moral of the Story: Don’t mess with old people; they’ve spent a lifetime mastering skills younger people couldn’t even begin to appreciate.

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Please share the fun with your friends:

So dear reader, were these long funny stories with morals as amusing as you’d hoped? Did they make you laugh?

I hope so.

However, there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read, then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share this post now, I’d be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

Saily eSIM

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12 brilliant original Limericks written just for you

11/20/2025 by

If you’re looking for original limericks, then look no further.

If you enjoy the style of poems known as limericks, here are 12 original ones just for you, dear reader.

They’re all written by me. So, definitely original limericks. I hope you enjoy them.

If they do appeal to you, please feel free to share them.

Saily eSIM

ORIGINAL LIMERICKS

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Please share this post with your friends:

So, dear reader, did you enjoy any of these original limericks? I hope you did anyway.

If you’re looking for more smiles, then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read in this post, please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. So go on, please share it now.

Thank you. for your support, dear reader.

Saily eSIM

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50 candidates for short joke of the day to raise a smile

11/04/2025 by

If you’re looking for candidates for the short joke of the day, then there are some great jokes on offer here today, dear reader.

Perhaps you’re just looking for something to make you laugh.

Then I’m sure at least one or two of these will tickle your funny bone.

Enjoy them all.

And then please pass them on.

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Short Joke of the Day (1-20):

  1. I’m a social vegan. I avoid meet.
  2. Boycott shampoo. Demand real poo.
  3. Avoid dangerous cults. Practise safe sects.
  4. Do gun manuals have a troubleshooting section?
  5. Remember, there’s no lifeguard in the gene pool.
  6. Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii or just a low ha?
  7. Never fight with a dinosaur. You’ll just get jurasskicked.
  8. I’ve just sold a homing pigeon on eBay for the 15th time.
  9. What did the daughter corn ask the mother corn? Where’s popcorn?
  10. Humpy Dumpty had a terrible summer. However, he’s had a great fall.
  11. Do you want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I’m still working on it.
  12. A man was attacked by string instruments. It was a brutal act of violins.
  13. Q: Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators? A: Because it lifts their spirits.
  14. I wouldn’t say Poop jokes are the best jokes but they’re a solid Number 2.
  15. Could there be a worse time to have a heart attack than during a game of Charades?
  16. Could there be a more aptly named firm of divorce lawyers than Ditcher, Quick and Hyde?
  17. If you ever get an email about pork, ham, salt and preservatives, don’t open it. It’s SPAM.
  18. WIFE: I have blisters on my hands from the broom. HUSBAND: Why didn’t you use the car?
  19. I saw two guys wearing identical outfits and I just asked them if they were gay. They arrested me.
  20. Julie Andrews famously portrayed Mary Poppins in the film. Now I hear she will no longer be endorsing cheap lipstick. Apparently, it crumbles easily and makes her breath smell. In a statement she explained, “The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.”

Short Joke of the Day (21-30):

  1. If I don’t pay my exorcist, will I get repossessed?
  2. A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter’s school concert.
  3. When a cougar gets so old she needs a hearing aid, does she become a Def Leopard?
  4. I didn’t think that wearing orthopaedic shoes would make a difference but I stand corrected.
  5. My wife told me I have two faults. She said I don’t listen and some other crap she was banging on about.
  6. If I get a headache, I take two Aspirin and keep away from children, just as it recommends on the bottle.
  7. We keep having meetings at work because our boss is keen to work out why nothing productive is being done.
  8. Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? A: Pumpkin Pi
  9. I was struck on the head by a large bottle of Omega 3 capsules. Luckily the marks on me were only Super Fish Oil.
  10. A naked woman robbed the bank today. Despite the bank being full of businessmen, no one could remember her face.

Short Joke of the Day (31-40):

  1. At the bus stop, I asked the bus driver how long the next bus would be. The same length as this one, he said.
  2. Take me back to those wild pre-COVID days when we’d party hard and eat cake after someone had blown on it.
  3. I yelled “COW!” at a woman on a bike and she gave me the finger. Then she crashed her bike straight into a cow on the crossing. What can I say? I tried.
  4. I got up this morning and ran around the block five times. By then I was tired, so I picked the block up and put it back in the toy box.
  5. I’m worried my wife might be showing the first signs of Alzheimer’s. She’s just told me she can’t remember what she ever saw in me.
  6. Why is it that brain cells, skin cells and hair cells all die constantly and yet, fat cells seem to have eternal life?
  7. I accidentally wore a red shirt to shop in Target today and, to cut a long story short, I’m covering for Michelle this weekend.
  8. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm but I gave her superglue by mistake. She’s still not talking to me.
  9. I see people my age mountain climbing, whereas I get a sense of achievement just getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
  10. I need to get in shape. If I were murdered on the street today, my chalk outline would be a circle.
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Short Joke of the Day (41-50):

  1. I don’t think inside the box. I don’t think outside the box either. I don’t even know where I might find the box.
  2. I wasn’t planning on going for a run today. However, those cops suddenly came out of nowhere.
  3. 90 per cent of my Google search history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell correctly.
  4. I often wonder what happened to all those people who’ve asked me for directions over the years
  5. A dentist married a manicurist. It didn’t work out. They fought constantly, tooth and nail.
  6. My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my home, then I got a lift from the delivery guy.
  7. Have you ever woken up and kissed the person next to you, then felt truly grateful to be alive? I just did and apparently, I won’t be allowed to fly with this airline again.
  8. They say love is the best feeling in the world. I disagree. There’s no better feeling than finding a public toilet when you’re out and about and suddenly struck down with diarrhoea.
  9. In the furniture store, the sales guy told me the sofa would sit five people without any problems. Then it occurred to me, I don’t know five people without any problems.
  10. I’ve been in a lot of places but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone. I’ve never been in Cognito either. I hear no one recognises you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport. You have to be driven there. I’ve made several trips.
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So dear reader, were these candidates for the short joke of the day as amusing as you’d hoped? Was this post worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these jokes made you smile, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you can put a smile on someone else’s face, you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, and please share this post now.

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5 amusing short story jokes to make you laugh

10/30/2025 by

Dear reader, are you in need of a little comic relief? Here are 5 amusing short story jokes that will definitely make you laugh.

Take a few minutes to enjoy them all.

And then, please feel free to pass them on.

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Amusing short story jokes:

1. Escaping a ticket:

Jim was finally enjoying a bit of freedom in life, so he decided to buy himself a new Mercedes C-Class Cabriolet.

On the day he collected it from the dealership, he thought it would be a great idea to take his new toy out for a spin on the Interstate.

It was a pleasant evening, so with the top down and the wind in his hair, he decided to really put his foot down until the pedal hit the metal.

The acceleration was amazing, but as the car hit 90 mph, suddenly there was the sound of a siren, and through his rearview mirror, Jim could see blue lights flashing.

Undaunted by this turn of events, Jim just thought to himself, “There’s no way the cops will catch me in a Mercedes at full speed.”

And momentarily, he kept the car going flat out until his speed exceeded 110 mph.

However, his nerve went when he realised that, despite his speed, the cops were actually gaining on him.

So the reality of his situation hit him, and Jim thought, “What the hell am I doing?“

He slowed down and pulled over.

At the side of the road, the cop came up to him and said, “Sir, could I see your license, please?”

Jim handed over his license.

The cop studied it momentarily and then said to Jim, “Sir, it’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and to be honest, I really don’t feel like doing any more paperwork. So I’ll offer you a deal. If you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, I’ll let you go without a ticket.“

Jim thought for a second and then said, “Officer, a month ago, my wife ran off with a cop. Life has been so good since then, but I was afraid you were chasing in an attempt to give her back to me.“

The cop smiled at Jim and said, “Have a nice weekend, sir.”

And with that, he left Jim to enjoy his new car.

2. The price for a little fun:

It was Friday evening; it had been payday, and Bill had really had a tough week.

So on leaving the office, he decided that instead of going home, he would stay out for the entire weekend partying with his buddies and in the process blow his entire week’s salary.

When he finally arrived home on Sunday evening, he was confronted by his angry wife, and, needless to say, she hurled abuse at him for nearly two hours in a tirade befitting his irresponsible actions.

Finally, as she stopped shouting at him, his wife said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

“That would be fine with me,” Bill responded unwisely.

Monday went by, and Bill didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

However, on Thursday, the swelling had gone down sufficiently for Bill to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

3. Dumb man joke:

Jim is taking a shower in the bathroom, and his wife shouts, “Did you find the shampoo, Jim?”

“Yes,” he responds, “but I’m not quite sure what to do, Irene.”

“Why’s that, Jim?” Irene asks.

“Well,” says Jim, “it says it’s for dry hair, but I’ve just wet mine.“

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4. Out of the mouths of babes:

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.

One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 4-year-old daughter immediately took an interest in what was going on with the crew on the lot and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Now, the construction crew were decent and friendly guys, and very quickly they adopted the little girl as their project mascot.

They would chat with her, let her sit with them during coffee and lunch breaks, and give her little jobs here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.

Well, the little girl felt important. She took her pay home to her mother, who encouraged her further and suggested they deposit her two dollars at the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had earned her own money at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us.“

“Well, that’s impressive,” said the teller. “Will you be working on the house again next week, too?“

The little girl smiled and then replied, “I will if those lazy b*stards at Home Depot ever deliver the f**king bricks.”

5. Unexpected benefit:

Mike and his wife, Liz, had the misfortune to be caught up in a terrible road traffic accident with multiple cars involved. Unfortunately, in the carnage that followed, Liz’s face was severely burned.

She was taken to the local hospital, where the doctor told Mike that she would need a skin graft on her face.

“The problem is,” said the doctor, “your wife is so thin we wouldn’t be able to use any skin from her body for the graft.”

“Could I donate skin from my body?” asked Mike.

“Yes, you can,” said the doctor. “However, the only suitable skin would be skin from your buttocks.”

Mike explained the situation to Liz and asked whether skin from his buttocks would be acceptable to her.

“Well, as long as no one else knows where the skin came from,” said Liz.

Jim assured her that it would be their secret, and the doctor also promised he would honour her request for secrecy.

So Liz had the surgery, and when all the scars had healed, everyone was amazed at how beautiful Liz now looked.

She’d always been attractive, but she was now even more beautiful than she’d been before. All her friends and relatives couldn’t help commenting on her youthful beauty.

One day, Liz was sitting alone with Mike, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

“Mike, I just want you to know how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. There’s no way I could ever repay you,” said Liz.

Mike smiled and kissed her. Then he said, “Darling, think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

Share this post and make others smile:

So were these amusing short story jokes as amusing as you’d hoped they would be, dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read, please share it all with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for your support.

More fun you might enjoy:

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5 funny short story jokes guaranteed to raise a laugh

10/27/2025 by

Here are 5 funny short story jokes that I’m confident will make you laugh.

They all made me smile, so I hope you enjoy them too.

So take a few moments to relax and smile, and then feel free to pass them on.

FUNNY SHORT STORY JOKES
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Funny short story jokes:

1. Speed Cop:

Jim’s a police officer in Morristown, New Jersey.

One day he’s sitting in his squad car on Main Street when a car screams past him doing at least 100 miles an hour.

With blue lights flashing and sirens wailing, Jim chases after the car and pulls it over.

Jim approaches the car and says to the young driver, “Sir, please step out of the car for me.”

“But officer,” said the young man, “I can explain.”

“Just be quiet!” snapped Jim. “Driving at dangerous speeds on Main Street is a felony. You’ll be cooling your heels in jail until the police chief gets back and decides what to do with you.”

“But officer,” the young man responded, “if you’d just let me explain.”

Once again, Jim snapped at him, “Be quiet! You’re going to jail.”

A few hours later, Jim is checking on his prisoner in the holding cell at the station, and the guy is looking a little glum, to say the least. At this point, Jim is feeling a bit sorry for him.

“Hey buddy,” says Jim, “don’t worry. Lucky for you, the police chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” said the young driver. “I’m the groom.”

2. Gambling Habit:

An anxious father met with his son’s school principal, as he was concerned about his son’s obsession with gambling.

“All he ever wants to do is bet,” the father exclaimed to the principal. “He’ll bet on anything. Can you help me?”

The principal considered his question for a moment, and then he said, “I’ll see what I can do.”

A week later, the father met with the principal again to discuss progress.

“I think I’ve cured him of his gambling habit,” the principal told the father.

Encouraged by this comment, the father asked, “How did you manage that?”

Well, the other day, I noticed him looking at my beard, and he said, “Sir, I’ll bet you $10 that’s a false beard.”

“And what happened then?” the father asked.

“Simple, I took the bet, allowed him to tug my beard to prove it was real, and then I made him pay me the $10.” The principal responded. “He won’t do that again. He’ll have learned his lesson.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure,” said the father. “The other day he bet me $50 that he’d tug at your beard with your permission before the end of the week.”

3. Sunday Service:

One Sunday morning, Pastor Michael told his congregation that the church needed money to repair the church roof and asked the people to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate.

By way of encouragement, he said that whoever gave the most money would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed around, Pastor Michael glanced down, and he noticed that someone had placed a bundle of $100 bills in the offering, all bound with an elastic band.

Naturally, he was excited, and he shared his joy with his congregation.

“I’d like to thank whoever placed this bundle in the offering personally,” said Pastor Michael. “There must be $1,000 here. Please make yourself known.”

At this point, a small, elderly lady at the back of the church stood up and shyly raised her hand.

“Mam,” said Pastor Michael, “we’re all so grateful to you. Please come down to the front.”

The little old lady slowly made her way to the front of the congregation, and Pastor Michael took her by the hand.

Naturally, he told her how wonderful it was that she had given so much, and as a thank you, he said, “By way of a reward, you now get to choose three hymns.”

Her eyes began to sparkle as she reflected momentarily and gazed around the congregation.

After a few moments of contemplation, she looked at Pastor Michael and then pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, “Right, I’ll take him and him and him.”

4. Divine justice:

Father Jeremy was a parish priest who was obsessed with playing golf.

He would be at a country club playing golf at every opportunity he got. It was a passion for him.

One summer Sunday, the weather was absolutely glorious, and he realised it was such a perfect day to play golf. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky, and the temperature was really very pleasant.

“Days are rarely better than this for playing golf,” Father Jeremy thought to himself.

This left him with a dilemma. For him, Sunday was a working day, of course, but perhaps he could report in sick and then play golf at the country club in the next town?

Well, his passion for golf got the better of him, and he phoned the curate to tell him he was sick and would not be able to take mass that day.

He then packed his clubs into his car and drove two hours to a country club where he was confident he would not be recognized.

By mid-morning Father Jeremy was standing at the first tee ready to play 18 holes.

Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways, and the angels are his eyes and ears. And as Father Jeremy was ready to tee off, one angel was watching him with concern.

The angel then went to God and said, “Look at that parish priest. He should be preaching to his congregation today, not playing golf.”

God frowned at the angel and agreed that this was not what he’d expect from a parish priest on a Sunday.

“Leave it to me,” said God.

At this point, Father Jeremy teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it glided effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250 yards away. It was a perfect hole-in-one.

Never before had Father Jeremy achieved such golfing perfection, so naturally, he was both amazed and very excited.

The angel looked on from above, and he was shocked. He turned to God and said, “Lord, I’m sorry, but I thought you said you were going to punish him.“

“I have,” said God.

“How?” the angel responded.

God smiled and said, “Think about it. Who can he possibly tell about this now?“

5. The helicopter ride:

Dan and his wife, Mary, went to the state fair every year.

And every year Dan would say to Mary, “You know, Mary, I would love to go for a ride in the helicopter.“

Mary’s response was always the same.

“I know that, Dan, but the helicopter ride costs $50, and let’s face it, $50 is $50.” Mary would say.

This went on for many years, and eventually, they were at the fair one year, and Dan said to Mary, “You know, Mary, I’m 87 now. If I don’t ride the helicopter this year, I may not get another chance. I ain’t got much time left.“

Well, Mary had known hard times, so she could never be frivolous with money. Once again, her response was the same, “Dan, you know the helicopter costs $50, and $50 is $50.“

Well, as they were talking, the helicopter pilot overheard their conversation.

“Hey, listen folks,” he said, “I’ll offer you a deal. I’ll take you both for a ride in the helicopter, and if you can both stay completely quiet for the entire ride, then you can have it for free. However, you must not say a word. If you do say anything, you must pay the $50.”

Well, this sounded like a great deal to Dan and Mary, so naturally, they agreed, and up they went in the helicopter.

In an attempt to get them to say something, the pilot performed every fancy trick and move he knew, but they didn’t say a word.

To up the ante, the pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still, there wasn’t so much as one word spoken.

Finally, they landed, and the pilot turned to Dan and said, “Wow! I’ve got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn’t. I’m really impressed!“

“Well, to be honest,” said Dan, “I almost said something when Mary fell out, but, you know, $50 is $50!“

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Please share this post with your friends:

So did these funny short story jokes prove to be as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read, then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for your support.

Articles you might also enjoy:

DISCLAIMER: Post contains affiliate links; no additional charge to you; commissions support cost of maintaining this website. Thank you for your support.

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10 hilarious jokes sure to make you laugh out loud

10/26/2025 by

If you need a good laugh, and let’s face it, we all need a good laugh, then I have a collection of jokes just for you, dear reader. Here are 10 hilarious jokes sure to make you laugh out loud. 

Take a few moments to enjoy this batch of jokes because let’s face it, it would be wrong not to.

And remember, if they have you laughing, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

If you only do one thing today, then it must be to share the jokes and make people laugh. They’ll be glad you did.

HILARIOUS JOKES
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Hilarious jokes sure to make you laugh:

1. One man and his talking dog:

Jim walks into a New York bar with his dog Fido.

Jim walks right up to the bar, turns to face the seated customers and says, “This is my dog Fido, and believe it or not, he’s a talking dog. If I can demonstrate to you that Fido can answer any of my questions who will buy me a drink?“

“Listen, buddy, if you can demonstrate that Fido can talk, you can have a drink on the house,” says the bartender.

So Jim turns to Fido and asks, “What goes on the top of a house?“

“Roof!” Fido responds.

“What does tree bark feel like?” asks Jim.

“Rough!” says Fido.

“Who was the greatest baseball player ever?” asks Jim.

“Ruth!” says Fido.

The bartender is really unimpressed with what he’s hearing, and he snaps at Jim. “You’re a phoney buddy. We’re not fooled by any of that. You and your dog can get out of here right now. Go on, on your way!“

As Jim and his dog are thrown out onto the street, Fido looks sadly at Jim and says, “What did I do wrong? Should I have said, Joe DiMaggio or Mickey Mantle?“

2. The Thief and the Parrot:

A thief breaks into a house when he thinks no one will be at home.

He’s creeping carefully through the property, and as he steps into the lounge, he’s stopped dead in his tracks when he suddenly hears someone say very clearly, “Jesus is watching you!”

He stands very still for a moment until everything in the house falls silent again. At this point, he moves forward very slowly.

Once again, he hears that voice, “Jesus is watching you!”

The thief is now frightened out of his wits, and he stops once again to focus on locating the voice.

He’s looking around, peering into the darkness, when he spots a birdcage and in the birdcage is a parrot.

The thief looks the parrot in the eyes and asks, “Was that you who said, ‘Jesus is watching me’?”

“Yes”, said the parrot.

The thief relaxes and breathes a sigh of relief. “Thank goodness for that”, he says to the parrot. “What’s your name?”

“The family here call me Ronald”, said the parrot.

“Ronald? You cannot be serious!” laughs the thief. “What sort of family calls their pet parrot Ronald?”

“The sort of family that calls their ferocious Rottweiler guard dog Jesus,” the parrot responds.

3. Hospital banter:

Five surgeons are taking their lunch break and enjoying a little banter to relax. The conversation moves on quickly to the people they regard as the best patients.

The first surgeon says, “For me, it’s got to be accountants. They are the best people to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered.“

The second surgeon responds, “No, I don’t agree. Librarians have to be the best people to operate on because everything inside them is in alphabetical order.“

The third surgeon thinks for a minute, smiles and then he says, “Sounds like you’ve never operated on an electrician. When you open them up, you’ll find everything inside them is colour-coded!“

The fourth surgeon laughs and says,” Well, personally, I prefer lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable.“

The fifth surgeon has been quietly listening to the conversation so far when he’s asked by the others what he thinks.

“Well, I like to operate on engineers because they’re always very understanding if I find myself with a few parts left over when the job’s done,” he says.

4. Talking dog for sale:

A couple is out for a walk when they notice a large sign outside a house that reads, “Talking Dog for Sale.”

They are both intrigued by the idea of a talking dog, so they knock on the door and ask if they can take a look at this dog

“Sure!” says the owner, “Come on in.”

The owner escorts them into the lounge where the dog is lying on the sofa watching television.

“Hello,” they say to the dog.

“Hello,” the dog responds.

“What have you done with your life so far then?” the couple asks the dog.

“Well, actually, I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog.

“Really?” says the couple.

“Yes, really,” says the dog. “I’ve lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I work part-time reading to the residents in a retirement home.”

The couple is amazed by this. They can’t believe any dog could have done quite so much.

One of them then asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of this amazing dog?”

“Oh, we’re getting rid of him because he’s a liar. He’s not done any of those things,” says the owner.

5. Miscommunication:

Jed goes into a public restroom, and he’s barely sat down in the cubicle when he hears a voice say, “Hi, how are you?“

Feeling a little embarrassed, Jed says politely, “Well, I guess I’m doing fine, thank you!“

The voice then responds, “So what are you up to?“

Jed is even more embarrassed, but once again he responds politely, “Well, just like you, I’m sitting here trying to get a load off my mind.“

He then hears the voice say, “Hey, can I come over?“

Jed is now extremely embarrassed and starting to get slightly irritated too, so he snaps back, “Look, surely you understand I’m a bit busy right now!“

At this point, he hears the voice say, “Jane, listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the next cubicle who keeps responding to all my questions!”

Saily eSIM

6. Two hunters:

Two hunters are out in the woods hunting bears when one of them suddenly collapses.

The other guy checks him over and realises that he’s not breathing and his eyes are a bit glazed. So he grabs his cell phone and immediately calls 911.

“I think my friend’s dead!” he yells down the phone with panic in his voice. “What should I do?”

“Sir, if you can just calm down, I’ll help you,” says the operator calmly. “Let’s just make sure he’s dead first.”

There’s then a moment of silence, followed by what is clearly a g*nshot.

Back on the phone, the guy then says to the operator, “Right, now what?”

7. Cosmetic surgery:

Jill, a middle-aged woman, is having surgery in the hospital following a severe heart attack when she has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die, God?” she asks.

To which God responds, “No, my dear, you still have 30 more years to live yet.”

Well, if she’s got 30 more years to look forward to and since she’s in hospital anyway, Jill decides she might as well make the most of her operation.

So she gets br**st implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, a hair transplant, and collagen injections in her lips. When it’s all finished and the bruises have healed, she looks absolutely stunning and 10 years younger.

The day she’s discharged from the hospital, she leaves the hospital with a real spring in her step. Feeling very good about her makeover, Jill steps into the street and is immediately knocked down by an ambulance and killed.

As she steps through the Pearly Gates, Jill sees God and decides to complain. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she says to God.

“Well, that’s true,” says God.

“So what happened?” Jill asks.

To which God shrugs and says, “I’m sorry, but I didn’t recognize you.”

8. Kids are smarter than you think:

A young boy walks into a barber’s shop, and the barber whispers to the customer to whom he’s currently attending, “This kid has got to be the dumbest kid in the world. Watch and I’ll prove it to you.”

The barber then puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then he says to the boy, “Hey kid, which do you want, the dollar bill or the quarters?”

The boy decides to take the quarters, and then he leaves the shop.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That dumb kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer is leaving the barber’s shop, he sees the same kid coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, kid! May I ask you a question?” asks the customer. “Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?“

The boy licks his ice cream for a moment before saying, “Because the day I take the dollar bill, the game is over!”

9. Classmates:

While waiting for her first appointment with her new dentist, Jane notices his degree certificate on the wall, which includes his full name.

Suddenly, Jane remembers a tall, handsome boy from her high school class some 45 years ago who had the same name. Naturally, she wonders whether this can be the same guy.

However, upon seeing him, she quickly dismisses any such thought. Surely this ageing, balding, grey-haired old man with a deeply lined face could not possibly be one of her old high school classmates?

After he had finished examining her teeth, Jane decided to ask him whether he attended the local high school.

“Yes,” he replied.

“That’s amazing. What year did you graduate then?” Jane asks.

“In 1973,” he responds.

“Amazing, you were in my class!” Jane exclaims.

He looks at her closely and then asks, “What subject did you teach?“

10. The Monastery:

Every ten years in the monastery, the monks were allowed to break their vow of silence to speak just two words.

With ten years gone by, Brother Michael gets his first chance to speak.

He thinks for a second and then says, “Food bad.”

Another ten years go by, and again Brother Michael has an opportunity to speak briefly and on this occasion, he says, “Bed hard.”

A further decade later, it’s the big day once more. However, this time Brother Michael gives the head monk a long stare before saying, “I quit.”

To which the head monk responds, “I’m not surprised. You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

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Saily eSIM

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32 amusing quotes by Phyllis Diller

10/23/2025 by

The late Phyllis Ada Driver, or Phyllis Diller as she’s better known to comedy fans, was one of America’s greatest comic talents.

She was an actress and stand-up comedian with an eccentric stage persona.

Self-deprecating humour, wild hair, zany clothes, and an exaggerated, cackling laugh were her stock in trade.

Phyllis Diller was a hilarious lady and one who is greatly missed by fans of good comedy everywhere.

So today I thought it might be quite interesting to explore some of her quotes and observations.

Here are 32 quotes by Phyllis Diller that should make you smile.

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Quotes by Phyllis Diller (1-21):

  1. Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
  2. I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
  3. His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
  4. You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
  5. Aim high, and you won’t sh**t your foot off.
  6. I buried a lot of my ironing in the backyard.
  7. My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
  8. The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
  9. A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
  10. Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
  11. You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
  12. Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
  13. Life is a do-it-yourself kit; so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
  14. My photographs don’t do me justice. They just look like me.
  15. You know you’re old if they’ve discontinued your blood type.
  16. A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
  17. I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in ‘What’s That?’
  18. Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
  19. Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
  20. I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
  21. The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Saily eSIM

Quotes by Phyllis Diller (22-32):

  1. I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband. How about short and cheap?
  2. The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
  3. I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
  4. Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
  5. You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
  6. Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
  7. I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
  8. This man I was going out with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas but he gave me a bowling ball.
  9. Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, ‘I’ll tell you something you do that irritates me if you tell me something I do that bothers you,’ never ends in a hug and a kiss.
  10. To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbour. Neighbours always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
  11. This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to sh**t him’.

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