50 candidates for short joke of the day to raise a smile

11/19/2024 by

If you’re looking for candidates for the short joke of the day, then there are some great jokes on offer here today, dear reader.

Perhaps you’re just looking for something to make you laugh.

Then I’m sure at least one or two of these will tickle your funny bone.

Enjoy them all.

And then please pass them on.

Short Joke of the Day (1-20):

  1. I’m a social vegan. I avoid meet.
  2. Boycott shampoo. Demand real poo.
  3. Avoid dangerous cults. Practise safe sects.
  4. Do gun manuals have a troubleshooting section?
  5. Remember, there’s no lifeguard in the gene pool.
  6. Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii or just a low ha?
  7. Never fight with a dinosaur. You’ll just get jurasskicked.
  8. I’ve just sold a homing pigeon on eBay for the 15th time.
  9. What did the daughter corn ask the mother corn? Where’s popcorn?
  10. Humpy Dumpty had a terrible summer. However, he’s had a great fall.
  11. Do you want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I’m still working on it.
  12. A man was attacked by string instruments. It was a brutal act of violins.
  13. Q: Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators? A: Because it lifts their spirits.
  14. I wouldn’t say Poop jokes are the best jokes but they’re a solid Number 2.
  15. Could there be a worse time to have a heart attack than during a game of Charades?
  16. Could there be a more aptly named firm of divorce lawyers than Ditcher, Quick and Hyde?
  17. If you ever get an email about pork, ham, salt and preservatives, don’t open it. It’s SPAM.
  18. WIFE: I have blisters on my hands from the broom. HUSBAND: Why didn’t you use the car?
  19. I saw two guys wearing identical outfits and I just asked them if they were gay. They arrested me.
  20. Julie Andrews famously portrayed Mary Poppins in the film. Now I hear she will no longer be endorsing cheap lipstick. Apparently, it crumbles easily and makes her breath smell. In a statement she explained, “The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.”

Short Joke of the Day (21-30):

  1. If I don’t pay my exorcist, will I get repossessed?
  2. A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter’s school concert.
  3. When a cougar gets so old she needs a hearing aid, does she become a Def Leopard?
  4. I didn’t think that wearing orthopaedic shoes would make a difference but I stand corrected.
  5. My wife told me I have two faults. She said I don’t listen and some other crap she was banging on about.
  6. If I get a headache, I take two Aspirin and keep away from children, just as it recommends on the bottle.
  7. We keep having meetings at work because our boss is keen to work out why nothing productive is being done.
  8. Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? A: Pumpkin Pi
  9. I was struck on the head by a large bottle of Omega 3 capsules. Luckily the marks on me were only Super Fish Oil.
  10. A naked woman robbed the bank today. Despite the bank being full of businessmen, no one could remember her face.

Short Joke of the Day (31-40):

  1. At the bus stop, I asked the bus driver how long the next bus would be. The same length as this one, he said.
  2. Take me back to those wild pre-COVID days when we’d party hard and eat cake after someone had blown on it.
  3. I yelled “COW!” at a woman on a bike and she gave me the finger. Then she crashed her bike straight into a cow on the crossing. What can I say? I tried.
  4. I got up this morning and ran around the block five times. By then I was tired, so I picked the block up and put it back in the toy box.
  5. I’m worried my wife might be showing the first signs of Alzheimer’s. She’s just told me she can’t remember what she ever saw in me.
  6. Why is it that brain cells, skin cells and hair cells all die constantly and yet, fat cells seem to have eternal life?
  7. I accidentally wore a red shirt to shop in Target today and, to cut a long story short, I’m covering for Michelle this weekend.
  8. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm but I gave her superglue by mistake. She’s still not talking to me.
  9. I see people my age mountain climbing, whereas I get a sense of achievement just getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
  10. I need to get in shape. If I were murdered on the street today, my chalk outline would be a circle.

Short Joke of the Day (41-50):

  1. I don’t think inside the box. I don’t think outside the box either. I don’t even know where I might find the box.
  2. I wasn’t planning on going for a run today. However, those cops suddenly came out of nowhere.
  3. 90 per cent of my Google search history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell correctly.
  4. I often wonder what happened to all those people who’ve asked me for directions over the years
  5. A dentist married a manicurist. It didn’t work out. They fought constantly, tooth and nail.
  6. My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my home, then I got a lift from the delivery guy.
  7. Have you ever woken up and kissed the person next to you, then felt truly grateful to be alive? I just did and apparently, I won’t be allowed to fly with this airline again.
  8. They say love is the best feeling in the world. I disagree. There’s no better feeling than finding a public toilet when you’re out and about and suddenly struck down with diarrhoea.
  9. In the furniture store, the sales guy told me the sofa would sit five people without any problems. Then it occurred to me, I don’t know five people without any problems.
  10. I’ve been in a lot of places but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone. I’ve never been in Cognito either. I hear no one recognises you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport. You have to be driven there. I’ve made several trips.

Please share this post:

So dear reader, were these candidates for the short joke of the day as amusing as you’d hoped? Was this post worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these jokes made you smile, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you can put a smile on someone else’s face, you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, and please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then click on the links below.

Your support is appreciated, dear reader. Thank you.

Articles you might enjoy:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Humorous Quotes by American Comedians

11/18/2024 by

A Collection of Witty One-Liners

This blog post explores the essence of comedy and humorous quotes by American comedians. In my opinion, American comedy is among the very best you’ll find anywhere.

Laughter is a universal language that brings people together. American comedians have a special talent for crafting witty observations that make us chuckle and think. Their clever quips often reveal truths about life, society, and human nature.

Funny quotes from comedians can brighten our day and offer a fresh perspective on the world around us.

From classic one-liners to longer bits of wisdom, these humorous remarks showcase the unique voices of America’s top jokesters. Their words can make us smile, nod in agreement, or see things in a new light.

This collection of 50 amusing quotes spans different eras and styles of comedy.

It features both timeless gems and contemporary zingers that reflect our current culture. Whether you’re looking for a good laugh or some lighthearted insight, these comedic nuggets are sure to deliver.

The Essence of Comedy in American Culture

Comedy plays a vital role in American society. It brings people together through shared laughter and helps us cope with life’s challenges.

American humor often reflects the nation’s diverse cultural landscape. Comedians draw inspiration from everyday experiences, current events, and social issues.

Wit and wordplay are key elements of American comedy.

Funny quotes from comedians like W.C. Fields showcase this clever use of language.

Laughter is seen as a universal language that bridges divides. It promotes happiness and can even have health benefits.

Jokes in American culture often poke fun at societal norms and human quirks. This self-deprecating humor allows people to laugh at themselves and their circumstances.

American comedians use various styles to elicit laughter:

  • Observational humor
  • Sarcasm and irony
  • Physical comedy
  • Impersonations
  • Satire

Comedy also serves as a form of social commentary. It can highlight important issues in a way that’s both entertaining and thought-provoking.

Many famous comedians have left lasting impacts on American culture through their unique perspectives and memorable one-liners.

The ability to find humor in life’s ups and downs is highly valued in American society. It’s seen as a sign of resilience and a positive outlook.

Comedic Commentary on Life

Life’s ups and downs provide endless material for comedians. Their witty observations help us laugh at everyday struggles.

On marriage, Rodney Dangerfield quipped, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” This humorous take on relationships resonates with many couples.

Comedians often share wisdom through humor. Steven Wright noted, “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” His simple yet profound observation makes people think while they laugh.

Self-esteem and body image are common targets. Phyllis Diller joked, “I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.” This quip about middle age and exercise hits home for many.

Insomnia gets its share of laughs too. Comedian Mike Birbiglia said, “I’m not afraid of death. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

These comedians use humor to shed light on life’s challenges. Their jokes help us see things from new perspectives and find laughter in unexpected places.

Pioneers of Humor

American comedy has been shaped by talented individuals who mastered the art of making people laugh. These pioneers created unforgettable jokes and witty observations that still resonate today.

Legendary One-Liners

George Burns was known for his quick wit and perfect timing. He once quipped, “I look to the future because that’s where I’m going to spend the rest of my life.” This blend of humor and wisdom became his trademark.

Rodney Dangerfield’s self-deprecating style made him a comedy icon. His famous line, “I get no respect,” became a catchphrase that defined his career.

Groucho Marx’s rapid-fire delivery and wordplay set him apart. He famously said, “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.”

Wit and Wisdom

Mark Twain’s humor often carried deeper meanings. He once remarked, “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”

George Carlin pushed boundaries with his observational comedy. He pointed out life’s absurdities, saying, “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

Phyllis Diller broke barriers for women in comedy. Her self-deprecating humor was evident in lines like, “I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.”

These pioneers laid the groundwork for generations of comedians to come, proving that laughter truly is timeless.

Modern Comedic Icons

American comedy has been shaped by brilliant minds who revolutionized humor on screen and stage. These comedians pushed boundaries and connected with audiences through relatable jokes and memorable characters.

Television Trailblazers

Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David created the groundbreaking sitcom “Seinfeld,” which changed TV comedy forever. The show’s observational humor and quirky characters resonated with viewers.

Ellen DeGeneres brought her stand-up skills to daytime TV, hosting a popular talk show for nearly two decades. Her warmth and wit made her a household name.

Trevor Noah took over “The Daily Show” in 2015, bringing a fresh perspective to late-night comedy. His sharp political commentary and international background set him apart.

Film and Stand-Up Stars

Chris Rock’s biting social commentary and energetic performances made him a stand-up legend. He also found success in films like “Grown Ups” and “Madagascar.”

Jim Carrey’s rubber-faced antics and physical comedy style led to major movie hits. “Ace Ventura” and “Dumb and Dumber” showcased his unique comedic talents.

Amy Poehler rose to fame on “Saturday Night Live” before starring in “Parks and Recreation.” Her quick wit and lovable characters endeared her to audiences.

Bill Murray’s deadpan delivery and dry humor made him a comedy icon. From “Ghostbusters” to “Lost in Translation,” his film career spans decades.

Humor and Relationships

Comedians often poke fun at the ups and downs of romance. Their witty observations about love and marriage can make us laugh at life’s absurdities.

Rodney Dangerfield was famous for his self-deprecating jokes about marriage. He once quipped, “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”

Groucho Marx also had plenty to say on the topic. One of his classic lines about relationships was, “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”

Some comedians focus on the challenges of dating:

  • Awkward first impressions
  • Mismatched expectations
  • The perils of online dating

Others tackle the humorous side of long-term partnerships:

  • In-laws and family dynamics
  • Sharing a bathroom
  • Arguing over household chores

These jokes can help couples laugh at their own quirks and conflicts. Humor often provides a way to discuss relationship issues in a lighthearted manner.

Many people find comfort in knowing that even famous comedians struggle with love. It reminds us that relationship woes are a universal human experience.

Contemporary Wit and Quips

Modern comedians have a unique way of pointing out life’s absurdities. They use clever wordplay and sharp observations to make us laugh and think.

Satirical Sharpshooters

Jon Stewart and Amy Schumer are known for their biting social commentary. Stewart’s quips often target politics and media. He once said, “If you don’t stick to your values when they’re being tested, they’re not values: they’re hobbies.” This shows how he uses humor to make serious points.

Schumer tackles gender issues with wit. She jokes about body image and dating norms. Her style mixes self-deprecation with cultural criticism.

Jimmy Kimmel and Conan O’Brien use their late-night platforms for topical humor. They poke fun at current events and celebrities. Their monologues blend news and jokes, making complex topics more digestible.

Masters of Misdirection

Zach Galifianakis and Maria Bamford excel at unexpected humor. Galifianakis is known for his deadpan delivery and odd non-sequiturs. His “Between Two Ferns” interviews catch guests off-guard with bizarre questions.

Bamford’s comedy often deals with mental health in surprising ways. She uses different voices and surreal scenarios to explore serious topics. This approach helps reduce stigma while still being funny.

Steven Wright is famous for his dry one-liners that twist logic. He once quipped, “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” His jokes make people think while they laugh.

Jim Gaffigan uses a unique voice technique to comment on his own jokes. This adds an extra layer of humor to his observations about food and family life.

Cultural Impact of Comedic Television

TV comedies shape American culture in big ways. They influence how people talk, dress, and think about social issues.

Influential TV Series

The Office changed how people view office work. Its mockumentary style made boring jobs seem funny. The show’s quotes became part of everyday speech.

I Love Lucy broke new ground for women in comedy. It showed a strong female lead in the 1950s. Lucy’s antics made people laugh while pushing social norms.

Cheers captured the feel of a local bar where everyone knows your name. It showed the value of community in a big city. The show’s characters felt like real friends to viewers.

Comedy in Animated Shows

The Simpsons has been a mirror for American society since 1989. It pokes fun at family life, politics, and pop culture. The show’s jokes often predict real-world events.

South Park tackles tough topics with crude humor. It makes people think about issues in new ways. The show’s fast production lets it comment on current events quickly.

Family Guy uses cutaway gags to reference pop culture. Its style influenced other animated comedies. The show pushes boundaries of what’s acceptable on TV.

Quotations on Specific Themes

Comedians often use their unique perspectives to comment on various aspects of life. Their witty observations cover topics ranging from the challenges of fame to everyday struggles.

Navigating Fame and Public Image

Famous comedians frequently joke about the ups and downs of life in the spotlight. Jerry Seinfeld quipped, “Being a celebrity is like being in politics, you don’t get elected to it without the people’s consent.”

Ellen DeGeneres humorously noted, “I’m glad I’m not famous in a different time period, when all a person could do for fun was go to the zoo and throw peanuts at my head.”

Some comedians use self-deprecating humor to address public image. Rodney Dangerfield famously said, “I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”

The Comedic Take on Daily Struggles

Comedians often find humor in life’s everyday challenges. Bill Burr joked about self-esteem, saying, “I’m not saying I’m better than you, I’m just saying I’m better than you think I am.”

Louis C.K. commented on parenting struggles: “I’m not a good father. I’m not a good husband. I’m just very good at buying ice cream.”

Many comedians use observational humor to highlight common experiences. Jim Gaffigan quipped about food, “I’m convinced cheese is addictive. I mean, do you ever hear anyone say, ‘I’m not in the mood for cheese’?”

These quotes show how comedians use humor to make light of daily life and connect with their audience through shared experiences.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, if you were searching for humorous quotes by American comedians, was this article worth a few minutes of your time?

Did any of it make smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles you might enjoy:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

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How to call someone stupid in a smart way

11/13/2024 by

If you’re wondering how to call someone stupid in a smart way, this article is just for you.

I thought it would be fun to curate some of the many euphemisms we use occasionally to indicate that someone of our acquaintance is not very bright.

So, here are 37 ways I can think of to suggest someone lacks brainpower.

Enjoy them all and feel free to pass them on.

How to call someone stupid in a smart way (1-10)

He’s as sharp as a marble

He’s a dime short of a dollar

He’s as dim as a Toc-H lamp

He’s a sandwich short of a picnic

With him, it’s all foam, and no beer

He’s a few fries short of a Happy meal

He’s as sharp as a sock full of soup

He’s not firing on all cylinders

If he had brains, he’d be dangerous

He’s a few cards short of a full deck

How to call someone stupid in a smart way (11-20)

The lights are on but no one’s home

He’s not the brightest star in the sky

He’s not the sharpest tool in the box

He’s a Fruit Loop short of a full bowl

He’s not the fastest horse in the race

Few people are slower on the uptake

He doesn’t have all the dots on his dice

He’s not the brightest crayon in the box

He’s the reason we have warning labels

He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer

How to call someone stupid in a smart way (21-30)

He just doesn’t have both oars in the water

The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead

There’s a village somewhere missing its idiot

You could never accuse him of intelligent thought

He’s certainly unburdened by the thought process

Put your ear next to his and you can hear the ocean

He could hide his own Easter eggs and never find them

With him, the elevator doesn’t go all the way up to the top

He’s got two brain cells, and both are fighting for third place

That guy’s known as 90 cents because he isn’t the full dollar

How to call someone stupid in a smart way (31-37)

If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change back

He’s like a pair of children’s scissors, colourful, but not too sharp

He couldn’t pour water out of a shoe with instructions on the heel

When God was giving out brains, he was standing in the wrong queue

No one would suggest that intellectual horsepower is his strongest suit

What he doesn’t know would fill the Library of Congress and then some

If his brains were dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow his hat off

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, if you were searching for how to call someone stupid in a smart way, was this article worth a few minutes of your time?

Did any of them make smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

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3 humorous stories that’ll brighten your day a little

11/01/2024 by

HUMOROUS STORIESIf you’re looking for some funny jokes in the form of humorous stories then I’ve got three great ones for you today, dear reader.

I’m confident you’ll enjoy them all.

So grab a coffee, relax and take an unofficial break from the pressures of the day to enjoy them all.

And please feel free to pass them on.

Humorous Stories:

1. Fly Southwest:

Little Johnny was looking out of the plane’s window enjoying the experience of his first flight.

Deep in thought he suddenly turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?“

Well his mother was a little perturbed by this question and she struggled to think of an answer, so she said, “Johnny why don’t you ask the flight attendant?”

Little Johnny was not a child lacking in confidence, so he walked down the aisle and politely said to the flight attendant, “Excuse me, mam, if big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?“

The flight attendant had heard it all before of course but she smiled sweetly at Johnny and then asked, “Did your mom tell you to ask me that?“

Little Johnny returned her smile and said, “Yes mam, she did.”

“Well“, said the flight attendant, “you can tell your mom that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mom to explain that to you.“

2. Voluntary donations:

Jim was driving home from the office one day when he found himself stuck in traffic because all the cars ahead of him had come to a complete standstill on the freeway. Nothing was moving at all.

Suddenly Jim noticed that there was a police officer walking down the line of traffic and approaching the car in front.

So Jim got out of his car and asked the police officer why there was a problem.

“Sir I’m so sorry for the inconvenience but the city’s Mayor is sitting in the middle of the road ahead and he’s in a state of extreme agitation,” said the police officer.

“He says he’s deep in debt and he’s threatening to douse his body with gasoline and then set fire to himself,” the police officer added.

“So what are you doing?” asked Jim.

“I’m going from car to car asking for donations,” the police officer responded.

“And how much have you collected so far?” Jim inquired.

“Well sir,” said the police officer, “we’ve only just started but drivers ahead have given us fifteen gallons so far and other drivers are still siphoning as we speak.”

3. Bubba’s tragic demise:

Sadly, Bubba was killed in suspicious circumstances in a terrible fire, suffering severe burns that left him completely unrecognizable.

In order to identify the body formally, the Los Angeles County medical examiner called in Bubba’s two close friends Jim-Bob and Joe-Bob.

The medical examiner showed Jim-Bob the body and he responded with a sharp intake of breath and then said, “Oh jeez, he’s burnt to a crisp. Could you roll him over please sir?”

So the medical examiner rolled the body and Jim-Bob responded immediately saying, “No sir, that ain’t Bubba.”

“Are you sure?” said the medical examiner.

“Yes sir, I’m sure,” Jim-Bob responded, “but you can ask Joe-Bob if you like.”

So Joe-Bob was brought into the mortuary and shown the body.

“Jeez,” said Joe-Bob, “he’s burnt to a crisp. Could you roll him over please sir?”

Though puzzled to receive this request once again, the medical examiner dutifully obliged and rolled the body.

Joe-Bob paused momentarily and then said, “No sir, that ain’t Bubba.”

The medical examiner was mystified by this turn of events. So he asked, “How can you possibly tell that it isn’t Bubba just by rolling him over?”

“Well sir,” said Joe-Bob, “Bubba had two assholes.”

“What do you mean, he had two assholes?” exclaimed the medical examiner.

“Yes sir, everyone knew that around here,” said Joe-Bob.

“How do you know?” the medical examiner asked.

To which Joe-Bob responded, “Because every time the three of us walked down Main Street together, you’d hear people say, ‘Here comes Bubba with two assholes’.”

Please share this post:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these humorous stories made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Articles you might enjoy:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

10 silly jokes that’ll definitely make you laugh

10/29/2024 by

SILLY JOKESLooking for some silly jokes to make you laugh, dear reader? Then I’ve got 10 good ones for you today and they’re guaranteed to make you laugh.

There’s nothing smutty here, just genuinely good fun.

So sit back and take a few moments to enjoy a good laugh.

Silly jokes:

  • What do you call zombies in the belfry?
  • Dead ringers
  • What’s it called when you borrow money to buy a bison?
  • A buffaloan
  • What do you call a rotten hot dog?
  • A rankfurter
  • What do you call a hippy’s wife?
  • Mississippi
  • What do you call a ghost who only haunts the town hall?
  • The nightmayor
  • What do you call a dance for people who hate each other?
  • An avoidance
  • What do you call an American sketch drawing?
  • A Yankee doodle
  • What do you call a goat that’s a professional comedian?
  • Billy the Kid
  • What do you call an ancient Egyptian ruler with no teeth?
  • A gummy mummy
  • What do you call a blonde police officer?
  • A fair cop

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So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these silly jokes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, and share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Thank you for your support.

Articles you might enjoy:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

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3 funny stories that’ll make you laugh

10/28/2024 by

FUNNY STORIESSearching for some funny stories, dear reader? Well, if you enjoy jokes in the form of amusing stories then I have three little gems for you today.

So, grab a coffee and take a few moments to relax and enjoy them all.

And please feel free to share them.

Funny Stories:

1. The boasting Texan:

Gus was a proud Texan who’d never been outside the United States before. So he decided he’d take a vacation in Canada.

On arriving at Toronto Pearson international airport he took a cab to his downtown hotel.

During the ride into the city they passed Queen’s Park and Gus was a little curious to learn something about the place.

So he said to the cab driver, “Hey buddy, what’s that?”

“Well”, said the cab driver with a sense of pride, “that park is the site of the Ontario Legislative Building which houses the Legislative Assembly of Ontario. It’s like your State government. Believe it or not, those buildings are over 100 years old and they’re big don’t you think?”

Gus was unimpressed. “That’s nothing”, he said. “Back in Texas, we have older buildings that are twice as big.”

Then they drove passed the skyscraper known as First Canadian Place.

“And what’s that?” asked Gus.

“Oh, that’s Canada’s tallest skyscraper”, said the cab driver. “Believe it or not that’s 978 feet high and it took four years to build.”

“Only 978 feet, that’s not very tall,” Gus responded. “Back home we have much taller buildings and they were all built in half the time. In the United States that building wouldn’t even make the list of Top 10 tallest buildings.”

Naturally, at this point, the cab driver was starting to feel a little irritated by Gus’s boasting.

Soon they were driving past the CN Tower.

Gus stared at it momentarily and then asked the cab driver, “And what’s that buddy?”

The cab driver looked at the structure and then smiled, “Oh, that’s just a Canadian pepper grinder.”

2. The wrong priorities:

Jeff was a very successful, young lawyer who was involved in a terrible car crash on the freeway.

The whole of the driver’s side of Jeff’s Maserati had been ripped clean off, along with his left arm.

He was staggering out of the wreckage when a motorcycle police officer arrived at the scene.

Jeff was clearly in a state of shock, mumbling, “Oh my God! My car! Look at my car!”

Seeing how badly Jeff was injured, the police officer said, “Sir, please try to stay calm. We need to be more concerned about your personal injuries, rather than any damage to your car.”

Jeff slowly looked down to where his left arm has once been and then suddenly he screamed, “Oh my God! My Rolex has gone! Where’s my Rolex?”

3. The Psychiatric Hospital:

Jim and Rita were long-term patients in a psychiatric hospital.

One day they were walking past the hospital’s therapeutic swimming pool when, suddenly, Jim threw himself into the deep end.

Knowing Jim couldn’t swim at all, Rita dived straight in after him and dragged him to the safety of the poolside.

As luck would have it the head psychiatrist saw exactly what happened and recognized just how brave Rita had been in the circumstances.

In recognition of her bravery, it was decided that she was ready to be discharged from the hospital, as her actions suggested that she was now mentally sound.

So the head psychiatrist called her into his office to tell Rita about the review panel’s decision.

“Rita”, said the head psychiatrist, “I have some good news for you. Unfortunately, I also have some bad news for you too.”

“What’s the good news?” asked Rita.

“Well, in recognition of your bravery in saving the life of another patient”, said the head psychiatrist, “We think you’ve shown you’ve regained a sound mind, so it’s been decided that you’re ready to be discharged.”

“That’s good”, said Rita. “But what’s the bad news?”

“Well, Jim subsequently hanged himself with the belt of his robe in the washroom. Unfortunately, he’s dead”, the head psychiatrist responded.

“No, doctor,” said Rita, “he didn’t hang himself. I put him there to dry.”

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30 clever one-liners that are sharp and witty

10/26/2024 by

CLEVER ONE-LINERSHere are 30 clever one-liners you’ll just love. They’re all sharp and witty and guaranteed to amuse you. Take a minute to enjoy them all.

And don’t forget to pass them on too.

Clever one-liners (1-15):

  1. I can handle pain until it hurts.
  2. I would lose weight, but I hate losing.
  3. Life is just a sexually transmitted disease.
  4. I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.
  5. Only our parents’ children are always right.
  6. It’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
  7. No, I’m not lazy, I’m in energy-saving mode.
  8. If you see a toilet in your dream, do not use it.
  9. It’s only funny when it’s not happening to you.
  10. Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.
  11. How could I miss you when you won’t go away?
  12. Nothing is truly lost until your mom can’t find it.
  13. What happens if I get scared half to death twice?
  14. The light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off.
  15. How come creditors always have better memories than debtors?

Clever one-liners (16-30):

  1. I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
  2. A lottery is just a tax on people who don’t understand math.
  3. Life would be so much better if we could mute some people.
  4. When I need an expert’s advice, I stand in front of the mirror.
  5. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. Some only gargle.
  6. If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.
  7. Some people lose their tempers just from seeing you keep yours.
  8. Did the first person to hear a parrot speak need therapy afterwards?
  9. There is a solution for when your hair starts falling out. Put it in a box.
  10. Don’t you get tired of having to look after your parents’ grandchildren?
  11. Drinking coffee before you start work helps your co-workers live longer.
  12. Don’t you just hate how spiders sit there on your wall and act like they pay rent?
  13. I’m not looking for a stable relationship, I’ll settle for a stable internet connection.
  14. If a man speaks in a forest and there are no women there to hear him, is he still wrong?
  15. People always say they don’t believe in ghosts until they hear a strange noise in the middle of the night.

CLEVER ONE-LINERSPlease share this post:

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If any of these clever one-liners made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

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Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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21 amusing one-liners guaranteed to make you smile

10/25/2024 by

AMUSING ONE-LINERSDo you enjoy a good one-liner dear reader? You do? Then there are 21 amusing one-liners here that are guaranteed to make you smile.

They all made me smile, and I’m confident that so at least a few of them will appeal to you too.

So, grab a cup of coffee and take a few minutes to appreciate the art of the one-liner.

Then see if you can work any of these lines into your day.

And please, please, please! Share them with your friends.

Amusing one-liners:

  1. Velcro is such a rip-off.
  2. Those who laugh last think slowest.
  3. With money only too much is enough.
  4. Your job is secure if no one else wants it.
  5. Dropped toast always lands jam-side down.
  6. Why is it that everyone my age is older than me?
  7. Sarcasm is the body’s natural shield against stupidity.
  8. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
  9. Make love, not war. If you want to do both, get married.
  10. There’s no such thing as arriving fashionably late in Crocs.
  11. I used to have a bandwagon but people kept jumping on it.
  12. Two French cheese trucks collided. De brie was everywhere.
  13. Relationships are like algebra. You look at your X and ask Y.
  14. You’re emotionally constipated if you haven’t given a shit for days.
  15. I’ve thought of buying a burial plot but it’s really the last thing I need.
  16. If the grass is greener on the other side then the water bill will be higher too.
  17. Whoever said nothing’s impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.
  18. Playing bridge is like sex. If you haven’t got a good partner you’ll need a good hand.
  19. Before you question forward planning remember, it wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
  20. I entered everything I’d eaten into my fitness app and immediately it sent an ambulance to my house.
  21. Eat sensibly, exercise and don’t drink alcohol if you want to live long enough to spend your last few years in a care home.

Enjoyed these one-liners?

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8 short jokes guaranteed to make you laugh

10/23/2024 by

Looking for some short jokes, dear reader? Well, I’ve got eight funny ones here for you today. I guarantee they’ll make you laugh.

So, grab a cup of coffee and take a few moments to relax and enjoy them all.

And please, feel free to pass them on.

Short Jokes:

1. The Brown Bear:

Two friends, Bill and George were out hiking in the Katmai National Park in Alaska when suddenly they saw a brown bear ambling along in their direction.

Bill immediately takes out a pair of running shoes from his backpack and then sits down to replace his heavy hiking books with his Nikes.

George is puzzled by Bill’s actions, so naturally, he asks, “Bill why are you putting on your running shoes right now?”

“George, you don’t seriously think I’m going to hang around until we’re spotted by that bear, do you?” Bill responds.

“Bill, don’t be ridiculous,” said George, “you’ll never outrun a brown bear.”

“I don’t have to outrun the bear,” Bill responded “I only have to outrun you!”

With that Bill disappeared into the distance shouting back as he went, “Good luck with that bear George.”

Moral of the Story: When it’s you or the other guy, make sure it’s not you.

2. The Efficiency Expert:

I took my wife to a fancy restaurant in Manhattan called The Lemon Tree.

As the waiter was taking our order I noticed he had a spoon in his shirt pocket. This seemed a little strange but initially, I ignored it.

However, when the busboy brought our water and utensils, I couldn’t help noticing that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

And then as I gazed around the restaurant I could see that all the staff had spoons in their shirt pockets.

So when the waiter came back to serve the soup naturally I enquired, “Why is every member of staff here carrying a spoon?”

“Well,” said the waiter, “the restaurant’s owner hired consultants from McKinsey to improve our processes. After several weeks of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. They calculated that there was a drop frequency of approximately three spoons per table per hour.”

“Are you serious?” I felt compelled to ask.

“Yes sir!” said the waiter. “They concluded that if our people are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it at this point I managed to drop my spoon and he replaced it with the spare from his pocket immediately.

He then explained, “I’ll simply get another spoon when I next go to the kitchen, rather than making a special trip there right now.”

Such efficiency was impressive.

I then noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.

Looking around, I could see that all of the other waiters had the same string hanging from their flies too.

Puzzled by this I asked the waiter, “Why do you all have a string hanging from the fly in your trousers?”

“Oh!” he said, lowering his voice, “The McKinsey consultants concluded that this will help us save time when we have to visit the restroom during a shift.”

“How so?” I inquired.

“Well,” he said, “by tying this string to the tip of our ‘you-know-what’, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands. This shortens the time spent in the restroom by 39% they think.”

“Wow!” I said. “But how do you put it back in your trousers once you’ve finished?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”

3. Goodtime Girl:

I met a girl in a bar who said she worked in a fairground.

She asked me if I would like to go to her place and have a good time.

She wasn’t kidding. I went on the Dodgems, the Big Dipper, the Waltzer and the Ghost Train, all for free. I even came home with a goldfish and some Cotton Candy.

4. Car Park Incident:

I left my car in a multi-storey car park the other day, and when I returned, the back of the car had a huge dent in it.

I found a note under the windshield wiper, and it said, “Sorry but I accidentally reversed into your car. There were witnesses, so I left this note so they’d think I was leaving my contact details. Well, I’m not. And in case you’re wondering, the CCTV is broken too, so it’s not your lucky day.”

5. Farming Logic:

A guy is driving along a country road when he sees a farmer standing in the middle of a large field. The farmer is doing absolutely nothing except standing and gazing into the distance.

The guy stops and asks the farmer if he’s OK.

“Yes,” said the farmer, “I’m fine.”

“That’s good,” says the guy. “I was a little worried, as you’re just standing and staring at nothing in particular.”

“That’s because I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize,” the farmer responds.

“A Nobel Prize?” says the guy, somewhat surprised. “How will you win a Nobel Prize?”

“Well,” says the farmer, “I’m told that to win a Nobel Prize, you just need to be out standing in your field.”

6. The Counterfeiters:

A couple of small-time counterfeiters, Jack and Earl had managed to get hold of a small stock of the actual paper used for printing American currency. This was a genuine stroke of luck and they intended to make the most of it. So they set about printing some twenty-dollar bills.

However, they’d been drinking heavily beforehand and their attention to the job wasn’t all that it should have been. Nevertheless, they printed off their counterfeit currency and then staggered off to bed.

The following morning when they’d sobered up they looked at their previous night’s work and suddenly realized they’d printed $18 dollar bills by mistake.

“Oh, no!” said Jack. “We’ve used all the paper, so we can’t print them off again, can we?”

“No problem,” said Earl. “All we need to do is find some little hick town in the hills somewhere and go into a store and ask some inbred to change them for lower denomination notes.”

“Do you think that will work?” said Jack.

“Sure!” said Earl “And I know just the place.”

So Jack and Earl got in their car with all the counterfeit currency and headed for a little hick town in NowheresVille.

Eventually, they came to a tiny little town deep in the hills with just one store. So they stopped and entered the store.

Jack handed one of the counterfeit $18 bills to the guy behind the counter and politely asked, “Hey buddy, would you mind changing this for some lower denomination notes, please? If you could, that would be appreciated.“

The clerk looked at the $18 bill, smiled and said, “Sure, no problem. What’s your preference, two nines or three sixes?“

7. The Thoughtful Husband:

Sometime after Stephen had died his widow, Alice was finally able to speak about what a wonderful and thoughtful man her late husband had been.

“Stephen thought of everything“, she told her friend Mabel. “You know, just before he died, Stephen called me to his bedside and he handed me three envelopes.“

“Really?” said Mabel. “And what did he say?”

“He said, Alice, I have put my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I’ve instructed. Then I can rest in peace,” Alice responded.

“So, what was in the envelopes?” Mabel enquired.

“In the first envelope, there was $5,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this money to buy a nice casket’. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such thick padding in the lining that I know Stephen is resting very comfortably.” Alice responded.

“Really?” said Mabel.

“Yes,” said Alice, “And in the second envelope there was $10,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this for a nice funeral’. I arranged a very dignified funeral for Stephen, attended by all his friends and family.”

“So what was in the third envelope?” asked Mabel.

“The third envelope contained $50,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this to buy a suitable stone so I’m remembered’.” Alice responded.

At this point, she held up her hand to Mabel and pointed to the ten-carat diamond ring on her finger.

“So Mabel,” said Alice, “do you like the stone?“

8. The Hearing Test:

Bill was concerned about his elderly wife’s hearing. So he decided to test it without telling her.

He went to the corner of the room about 15 feet away from her and said, “Honey can you hear me?“

There was no response.

So he went about 5 feet away from his wife and again said, “Honey can you hear me?“

Still, he got no response.

So he leaned over the back of her chair and raised his voice, shouting in her ear, “HONEY CAN YOU HEAR ME?”

His wife put down her newspaper and turned towards him saying, “Bill, I said ‘Yes’ three times already!“

Moral of the Story: Don’t assume someone else is the source of a problem. It could be you who’s the problem.

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50 funny birthday wishes for friends’ cards and gifts

10/18/2024 by

Dear reader, are you looking for some ideas for witty and funny birthday wishes for friends’ cards and gifts?

Well, here are 50 suggestions that might amuse you and help you produce a memorable gem to tease your best friend on his or her birthday card.

Everyone loves witty comments.

Enjoy them all.

And please feel free to pass them on.

Funny birthday wishes for friends (1-25)

Birthdays are just nature’s way of telling you to eat more cake.

May your hair dye and mascara never run! Happy Birthday, old girl!

I’m not obsessed with age but I really can’t believe how old you are.

Age is just a number. In your case a very large number, dear friend.

You’re as old as you are dear to me. And you’re very, very dear to me.

The mirror doesn’t lie, and at your age, you’re lucky it doesn’t laugh either.

Dearest friend, I hope you get 100 birthday cards today! To match your age!

I wouldn’t say you’re old but even Keith Richards looks younger than you.

Happy Birthday, friend! Age is not a big deal. Not to me but then I’m still young.

Best wishes to a dear friend, who can tell me when bread was only five cents a loaf.

Your birthday only comes once a year but the wrinkles it brings will last a lifetime.

When you’re as old as you, there’s always cosmetic surgery. It’ll be a big job though.

Looking at you fills me with hope, that one day I might live to be as old as you are today.

Best wishes to a woman who’s been thirty for more years than either of us can remember.

You’re as old as you feel, and I’m guessing you’re feeling very, very old today. Happy Birthday!

You’re how old? OMG, that’s dead in doggy years! Be glad you’re not a dog. Happy Birthday!

Today, girl, there are things we can all marvel at. Like the length of time that you’ve been on this planet. Truly amazing!

I looked at today’s date and I realized it was your birthday, dearest friend! Then I thought about the year you were born! I’m surprised you’re still mobile and have all your own teeth.

Today, dearest friend, you have made me so grateful for something … that I’m not as old as you!

Before there were maps, people used the stars to guide them. I’d love to hear your stories about the challenges of getting around when you were young. Happy Birthday!

Dearest friend, it’s so special to know someone who was around when the pyramids were being built. Happy Birthday!

As the years’ pass, you might ache a little more. But that’s only because you’re getting old! Happy Birthday.

As your friend, I’m here to remind you of things that are important in life. Like ‘Are you sure you’re putting away enough money for your retirement?’

Dearest friend, remember you should count your blessings, not your years. Well, you don’t really have enough time left to count all your years!

I know you’re downhearted about your age this year but worry not. Your best mate will be there to help you blow out all the candles on your cake, so you can feel like a kid again!

Funny birthday wishes for friends (26-50)

I wouldn’t call you ancient, but it’s a privilege to know someone who was involved with the construction of Stonehenge! Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to the woman who has it all! Hearing loss, cataracts, hypertension, back pain and osteoarthritis to name but a few. Still, it’s your birthday, so enjoy!

You’re a woman whose very presence makes others happy. Thanks for reminding us that we’re not as old as you. Happy Birthday!

Sometimes, I feel like you’ve been around forever! That’s probably because you have! Happy Birthday!

As someone who’s been around since before the age of electricity, you’ve kept yourself in good shape. Well, round is still a shape. Happy Birthday!

Everyone thinks you’re really young, dearest friend, but only because you lie about your age. Happy Birthday!

Here’s to the years that you’ve been alive; there’s been so many yet you still survive. Incredible, when you think about it.

On your birthday, people often will tell you that you’re still a young man. Don’t believe them, they’re liars!

Don’t think of yourself as old today. You just have a lot more experience of life than most people.

Your beard is grey and your hairline’s disappeared below the horizon but, on the upside, there’ll be cake today.

May your birthday be filled with joy and a glass or two of wine. Well, if there’s wine I’m sure that’ll be good enough

Best wishes to a woman who thinks she’s still young but isn’t. However your embrace of delusion is impressive.

Facing another birthday, you might fear becoming an old man. Well, you needn’t worry because you’ve been an old man for years now.

Happy Birthday to a man who has witnessed first-hand so many great things! Like the invention of the steam engine.

I was going to make a joke about your age, but that would be a bit cruel, wouldn’t it? Happy Birthday!

They say memory fades as you get older. So, I’m guessing now you probably don’t remember life as it was when dinosaurs roamed the earth.

Honey, today on your birthday you don’t need to lift a finger. Don’t worry about the messy house or the dishes. I don’t mind. You can deal with them tomorrow. Happy Birthday!

You never seem to age, so let me remind you how old you really are: you’re old enough to drink, young enough to get pregnant, and just the right age to make something of yourself. So by all means, hurry up before it’s too late! Oh, and many happy returns.

I’d have put candles on your cake but there would have been so many that the carbon footprint would have breached the UNFCCC Paris Climate Accord.

40’s the old age of youth and 50’s the youth of old age. However, I’ve no idea what your age represents.

Happy Birthday to you. I hope you enjoy your day as much as I’ll enjoy eating free cake and ice cream.

I’m not saying you’re old but the songs on your iPhone are too old even for the GOLDEN OLDIES station to play.

Happy Birthday to someone who’s getting more valuable and better with age. Oh wait-a-minute, that’s wine. Happy Birthday to someone who’s just getting old!

I know you’re not thirty, flirty and thriving but hey, you’re still driving! That’s not bad for someone of your age.

Happy Birthday to someone good looking, smart, charismatic, and charming. No hang on a minute, I meant from someone good looking, smart, charismatic, and charming.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Articles you might enjoy:

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