Wedded Wit: 50 Funny Jokes About Marriage

03/03/2026 by

Looking for some jokes about marriage, dear reader?

Let’s face it, marriage is a goldmine for creators of humorous content.

Marriage: It’s a bit like signing up for a comedy show that lasts a lifetime, surely? One day, you’re exchanging sweet nothings, and the next, you’re arguing over how a towel should be folded.

I mean, seriously! If someone had told me years ago that “happily ever after” involved a debate on the proper way to squeeze a toothpaste tube, I’d have suggested they were crazy.

But here we are, exploring the grand theatre of matrimonial reality as it is today.

So, whether you’re hitched now, about to be, or cleverly avoiding it, these jokes on offer in this post might just tickle you.

Without further ado, let’s dive into the hilarious world of marriage – it’s cheaper than therapy and much more fun! Here are 50 short, witty jokes about marriage.

Enjoy them all, and please feel free to share them.

50 Funny Jokes About Marriage
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Jokes about marriage (1-10):

  1. Marriage isn’t a word; it’s a sentence.
  2. I don’t need Google. My wife knows everything.
  3. Marriage: where dating ends and guessing begins.
  4. Marriage is grand. And divorce? Probably 100 grand.
  5. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  6. My husband dresses to kill. He cooks the same way, too.
  7. The secret to a happy marriage? That remains a mystery.
  8. Behind every successful man is a woman rolling her eyes.
  9. A good husband always forgives his wife when he’s wrong.
  10. Married life is full of excitement and frustration. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks, and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks, and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak, and the neighbours listen.

Jokes about marriage (11-20):

  1. Marriage means commitment. Then again, so does insanity.
  2. My wife and I were blissfully happy for 20 years. Then we met.
  3. Before marriage, we expect a lot. After marriage, we accept a lot.
  4. Married men don’t live longer than single men. It just feels longer.
  5. I told my wife that I needed more space. So, she locked me outside.
  6. Marriage lets you annoy that one special person for the rest of your life.
  7. If you want your wife to listen to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
  8. I married Miss Right. What I didn’t realise was her first name was Always.
  9. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong, and she agrees with me.
  10. WIFE: “Dear, do you think I’ve put on too much makeup?” HUSBAND: “Well, it depends. Are you trying to scare the kids or join a group of clowns?”

Jokes about marriage (21-30):

  1. Marriage tip: Don’t laugh at your spouse’s choices because you’re one of them.
  2. What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 50 pounds.
  3. When a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s always a reason.
  4. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
  5. How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get your laundry done for free.
  6. When you’re married, you don’t need a calendar. Your wife reminds you about everything.
  7. What’s a husband’s idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
  8. If at first you don’t succeed, then you’d be wise to try doing it the way your wife told you.
  9. What’s the difference between a husband and a pet? After a year, the pet is still excited to see you.
  10. WIFE: “I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate.” HUSBAND: “Why not just throw it in the trash?” WIFE: “But there are poor starving people who could really use all these clothes.” HUSBAND: “Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.”

Jokes about marriage (31-40):

  1. The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his wallet open.
  2. A wife is someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.
  3. The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest that he’s probably too old to do it.
  4. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he’s just cleaned the whole house.
  5. Ladies, if you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead and get married.
  6. My wife and I decided that we didn’t really want kids. However, the kids have taken it harder than we expected.
  7. Married life is all about compromise. My wife wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So, we compromised and got a cat.
  8. When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one who’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s annoyed.
  9. Husbands are the best people to share a secret with. They’ll never tell anyone because they aren’t listening to you.
  10. If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married, you can’t even change the TV channel.

Jokes about marriage (41-50):

  1. Marriage is a war where you sleep with the enemy.
  2. Marriage is a wonderful invention, but then so is a corkscrew.
  3. The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
  4. WIFE: “Why do you keep reading our marriage certificate?” HUSBAND: “I was wondering whether there are any loopholes.”
  5. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
  6. My wife and I have the secret to a happy marriage. Two times a week, we go out to a nice restaurant. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays.
  7. Marriage is like a deck of cards. At the start, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade.
  8. I asked my wife what she wanted for our anniversary. She told me “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.” So, I bought her nothing.
  9. WIFE: “Our new neighbour always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?” HUSBAND: “How can I? I don’t even know her that well.”
  10. HUSBAND: “Honey, I have a problem.” WIFE: “Darling, don’t say you have a problem. We’re married now, so it’s our problem.” HUSBAND: “Right then, our secretary is pregnant.”
Phil Sutton

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If you fancy some more laughs, then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty more to make you smile.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

Articles you might enjoy:

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25 clever one liners that’ll make you smile

03/02/2026 by

If you’re anything like me, dear reader, then you’ll love clever one liners. I’m constantly collecting them in my journal.

Today, I thought I’d share with you some of the best ones I’ve come across recently.

I found them all hilarious, and I’m confident that you will enjoy them too.

Please share them with your friends, but not until you’ve had the chance to laugh.

clever one liners
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Clever one liners:

  1. I’d like to start with the chimney jokes. I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house. ~Tim Vine
  2. Exit signs? They’re on the way out! ~Tim Vine
  3. I hate sitting in traffic because I always get run over. ~Milton Jones
  4. Conjunctivitis.com: That’s a site for sore eyes. ~Tim Vine
  5. Hedgehogs: Why can’t they just share the hedge? ~Dan Antolpolski
  6. My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round. ~Sarah Millican
  7. The toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door. ~Bill Bailey
  8. I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~Ken Dodd
  9. I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. ~Tom Ward
  10. My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off. ~Milton Jones
  11. My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter. ~Tim Vine
  12. The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast. ~Demetri Martin
  13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any. ~Tommy Cooper
  14. I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper. Dicing with death. ~Tim Vine
  15. It’s hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not. ~Milton Jones
  16. A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. ~Peter Kay
  17. The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job; especially if you’ve got hayfever. ~Milton Jones
  18. Helvetica and Times New Roman walked into a bar. “We don’t serve your type!” said the barman. ~Author Unknown
  19. Do you know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee. ~Milton Jones
  20. I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. ~Nick Helm
  21. This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’ ~Tim Vine
  22. Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, aah.’ The other replied: ‘Put some cold in then.’ – Harry Hill
  23. I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess. ~Matt Kirshen
  24. Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?” ~Author Unknown
  25. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’ ~Tim Vine
Phil Sutton

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If you fancy some laughs, then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Articles you might enjoy:

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3 hilarious short story jokes guaranteed to raise a smile

02/28/2026 by
3 hilarious short story jokes guaranteed to raise a smile

Dear reader, are you in need of a laugh? Then, how about these 3 hilarious short story jokes guaranteed to raise a smile?

They will have you howling with laughter, I’m sure.

Well, they certainly made me laugh.

So, I hope they brighten your day too.

Feel free to share them.

3 HILARIOUS SHORT STORY JOKES
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Hilarious short story jokes:

1. Getting married in Heaven:

A young Catholic couple, Patrick and Bernadette, were on their way to the church to get married. Sadly, their lives were cruelly cut short by a road traffic accident just before they would have reached their destination.

Nevertheless, they’d lived good and decent lives, so naturally, in an instant, they found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St Peter as he reviewed a clipboard to confirm their names were on the list.

As they stood there, Patrick said to St Peter, “Will it still be possible for us to get married in Heaven?”

“To be honest, I’m not sure”, said St Peter. “Believe it or not, this has never happened before. If you’ll bear with me, I will check it out for you.”

With that, St Peter disappeared.

So Patrick and Bernadette sat down on a nearby golden bench, and they waited. And waited, and waited, and waited. They waited so long that a couple of months passed.

Naturally, in that time, they chatted about their future, the challenges of being married, and the fact that many of their friends who’d married had found it wasn’t always forever. Circumstances often change, and relationships can suffer.

Eventually, St Peter reappeared looking a little flustered.

“Well”, said St Peter, “I have some good news for you both. I’m pleased to be able to tell you that you will be able to get married here in Heaven.”

“Oh, that’s great!” said Bernadette enthusiastically.

Patrick wasn’t quite so enthusiastic in his reaction, though.

“St Peter, I was just wondering”, said Patrick, “If we were to marry and things didn’t work out, would we be able to divorce in Heaven?”

St Peter’s response suggested that he was irritated by Patrick’s question, as he slammed his clipboard angrily on the ground.

“St Peter, what’s the matter?” Bernadette enquired.

“Oh, for Heaven’s sake!” said St Peter. “It’s taken me almost three months to find a priest here in Heaven. Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?“

2. Age problems:

Jim was 85 years old, and he’d been playing golf every single day since he’d retired from work 20 years earlier.

One day, Jim arrives home from golf, and he’s obviously agitated.

“What’s the matter, dear?” his wife, Mabel, enquired.

“I’m going to give up golf”, Jim responded. “My eyesight is now so bad that once I hit the ball, I just can’t see where it’s gone.”

Mabel can see Jim is really upset, so she tries to be as sympathetic as possible.

“Oh, don’t worry, dear. Let me make you a nice cup of coffee. You’ll feel better after that, I’m sure”, she says.

As they both sit down with their coffee, Mabel says, “Hey, I’ve got an idea. Next time you play golf, you could take my brother Sid with you.”

“But Mabel, how will that help?” says Jim, “Sid is 98!”

“Yes”, says Mabel, “but he still has perfect eyesight. He can be your eyes when you play.”

So Jim agrees it’s probably worth a try, and he makes arrangements with Sid for the next day.

The next day, Jim heads off to the country club with Sid.

At the first tee, Jim tees up with an almighty swing, and he then squints down the fairway trying to see where his ball has gone.

“Sid, did you see where my ball went?” asks Jim.

“Sure!” says Sid. “I still have perfect eyesight.”

Jim waited momentarily, anticipating further information from Sid, but got nothing.

“So where did it go then?” asks Jim.

Sid looked at him a little confused and then said, “Where did what go?”

3. One kiss:

Alice was an attractive young woman, and she was shopping in a department store looking to buy material for a dress she was making.

At the fabric counter, she spotted some suitable material and said to the young male clerk behind the counter, “What’s the cost of this material, please?”

“Well, miss, the price for that is just one kiss per yard,” replied the clerk, with a confident grin on his face.

“That’s fine,” said Alice. “I’ll take ten yards, please.”

Well, the clerk couldn’t believe his luck. He quickly measured out the cloth, folded it carefully, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held the package out to Alice.

She, in turn, accepted the package, smiled and then, pointing to the elderly man behind her, she said, “My grandpa will settle the bill.”

And with that, she proceeded to browse at the next counter.

Phil Sutton

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Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

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3 Side-splitting Jokes about Heaven and Hell

02/27/2026 by

If you need a laugh, then take a look at these three side-splitting jokes about Heaven and Hell. They all made me laugh, so I hope they entertain you, too, dear reader.

Enjoy them all.

SIDE-SPLITTING JOKES
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Side-splitting Jokes:

1. Heavenly transportation:

New Yorkers Frank, George and Vinny are killed in a tragic car crash in Manhattan.

The three friends arrive at the entrance to the Pearly Gates, and St Peter is waiting for them.

After the initial pleasantries, St Peter says, “Gentlemen, Heaven is an enormous place, so you will need transport to get around. And I have to tell you now that the type of transport you will be allocated will depend on how faithful you were to your wives.”

He then turns to Frank and says, “Francis, how faithful were you to your dear wife?”

“I never strayed once”, says Frank. “From the day we met until my dying day, she was the only woman with whom I slept, and I loved her very much.”

“Most impressive, Francis,” says St Peter. “Such fidelity is worthy of a new $13 million Rolls-Royce Sweptail, and here are the keys. You’ll find your car in the parking lot just inside the Pearly Gates.”

Turning to George, St Peter said, “And how faithful have you been, George?”

George hesitated momentarily and then said, “I must be honest and tell you that I did have a brief affair with my secretary about 20 years ago. It was the only time I cheated, and I did regret it. I love my wife, and after that brief lapse, I was faithful to her until my dying day.”

“Very well”, said St Peter. “You made one mistake, but otherwise you were of good character. Your reward now is a Chevrolet Bolt. Here are your keys, and you’ll find the car in the parking lot inside the Gates.”

St Peter then turned to Vinny and said, “So, Vincent, were you as well-behaved as your friends?”

Vinny looked a little embarrassed as he responded. “St Peter, if I’m honest, I was a womanizer and I’ve had more sexual encounters than I can remember. However, I did love my wife, and I would never have left her.”

St Peter frowned as he responded, “Vincent, your behaviour was less than exemplary, but you did at least say you loved your wife and never left her, so that counts for something. Therefore, I will give you a top-of-the-range mountain bike to enable you to get around. You’ll find it in the cycle rack inside the Gates.”

The three friends then spent the next few weeks travelling around in Heaven getting to know the place.

One day, as Vinny was cycling along Heaven’s highway, he saw a Rolls-Royce Sweptail parked by the side of the road. As he got close, he could see Frank sitting in the driver’s seat, sobbing.

“Hey buddy, what’s the matter?” said Vinny. “You’ve been driving a beautiful Rolls-Royce. What could be wrong?”

“I know”, said Frank, “but I’ve just seen my wife go past on a skateboard.”

2. The reward for a life of sin:

Three drinking buddies, Bill, Jim and Cyril, died in a plane crash on the way to Las Vegas, and they all found themselves in Hell.

No sooner had they walked through the Gates of Hell than they found themselves staring at a series of doors.

Bill opened the first door and out stepped a really ugly woman, her face covered in hideous warts.

The voice of the Devil then boomed out, “William, you have been a sinner, and so you are condemned to spend eternity in bed with this poor woman.”

The woman then took Bill by the hand and led him through the door he’d opened to suffer his punishment.

Jim and Cyril were naturally feeling very apprehensive at this point.

However, Jim plucked up the courage to open the second door, which revealed a woman who was even uglier than the first one. She was a grinning, toothless hag with a hunched back and a bad case of body odour.

Again, the voice of the Devil then boomed out, “James, you too have sinned, and so you are condemned to spend eternity in bed with this wretched woman.”

The woman then took Jim by the hand and led him through the door to suffer his punishment.

Naturally, at this point, Cyril was a nervous wreck as he was about to open the third door.

He feared the worst, although he knew he hadn’t been much of a sinner, so he hoped it wouldn’t be another hag.

Cyril was pleasantly surprised when out stepped a beautiful blond in a very brief bikini.

“Wow!” thought Cyril.

Then the Devil’s voice boomed, “Maria, you have been a sinner, so you are condemned to spend eternity with this hideous, wretched man.”

3. Hoping for a miracle:

Bernard was a deeply religious man, and one day he found himself trapped on the roof of his house following a terrible flood after the worst storms in living memory.

After an hour or so, a man came by in a boat and shouted to Bernard, “Get in!”

“No”, said Bernard, “I have faith in God. He will ensure my safety.”

Soon, the water had completely submerged Bernard’s house, and it was lapping around his waist.

Suddenly, another man came by in a boat and shouted, “Get in!”

“No”, said Bernard, “I have faith in God. He will ensure my safety.”

Another hour went by, and the water was now lapping around Bernard’s chest.

Yet another boat came along, and a man shouted to Bernard, “Get in!”

“No”, said Bernard, “I have faith in God. He will ensure my safety.”

Well, the water kept on rising, and it was now up around his neck when a helicopter appeared and down came a ladder. The crewman on the ladder shouted to Bernard, “Hey buddy, climb up!”

“No”, said Bernard, “I have faith in God. He will ensure my safety.”

Another hour went by, and the next thing Bernard knew, he was standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St Peter.

At this point, Bernard felt very disheartened as he said to St Peter, “I feel completely let down. I truly believed God would save me.”

“Be fair”, said St Peter, “We did send you three boats and a helicopter.”

Phil Sutton

Please share the fun:

I hope you found these jokes truly side-splitting, dear reader.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh. If so, click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today, then please share this post with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

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5 story jokes that are actually funny

02/26/2026 by

If you’re looking for some jokes that are actually funny, then take a look at these five little gems I have on offer for you today.

They all made me laugh, and I’m confident that they’ll raise a smile with you too.

Enjoy them all, and please feel free to share them.

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Jokes that are actually funny:

1. Resourceful assistant:

Maude had recently been widowed, and she visited the mortuary to pay her respects to her late husband, Bert’s body.

The mortuary assistant leads her into the Chapel of Rest, where the late Bert’s body is lying-in-state.

On seeing Bert, Maude cannot stop herself from sobbing, with tears pouring down her face.

The mortuary assistant attempts to comfort her, putting his arm around her and saying, “Mam, I’m so sorry for your loss, but at least he’s at peace now.”

Maude struggles to regain her composure.

After a few moments, she says, “It’s not losing him that’s upset me; I just can’t bear seeing him wearing a suit.”

The mortuary assistant apologises before saying, “When men pass away, we always bury them in a suit.”

“But Bert was a clown, and he spent his life making others laugh,” said Maude. “His dying wish was to be buried in a clown costume.”

“Oh, I see,” said the mortuary assistant. “Well, let me see what I can arrange for you. Leave it with me.”

On the morning of the funeral, Maude returns to the mortuary to spend a few precious seconds with Bert and to say goodbye.

The mortuary assistant opens the casket for her, and as he does so, Maude smiles when she sees that Bert is now dressed in the costume he loved.

“Oh, thank you,” said Maude. “But where did you find a clown costume at such short notice?“

“It was serendipity really,” said the mortuary assistant, with a smile. “Just the day before yesterday, another clown died following a tragic accident while he was performing at the circus.”

“Really?” said Maude.

“Yes,” said the mortuary assistant. “And, as luck would have it, his family wanted him to be buried in a suit.”

“I don’t quite follow,” said Maude, a little confused.

“Well, it was simple,” said the mortuary assistant. “All I had to do was swap their heads around.“

2. Alligator fight:

Jeff had made his fortune as a hedge fund manager on Wall Street, but he’d had enough of the pressure, so he decided it was time to retire to Florida for the sunshine and a more relaxed lifestyle.

He bought himself a fabulous villa in the Everglades, and naturally, he was now keen to get to know his neighbours,

So, he decides to throw a big poolside party at his villa, and he invites everyone in the street, including a local politician named Joe Garcia.

Well, the party is going well, and everyone’s having a great time. The food’s good, the wine’s the best, and the music has everyone dancing.

As everything’s in full swing, Jeff suddenly shouts, “Now listen up, everyone. There’s a 12-foot alligator in the pool, and I’ll buy a brand-new Porsche Cayenne for anyone who’ll join him for a swim.“

Barely had Jeff offered this challenge when he heard the sound of a loud splash.

He looks towards the pool, and there’s a local politician, Joe Garcia, in the water, fighting madly with the alligator.

It’s a mean fight with wrestling, punches, biting, and choke holds. Water is splashing everywhere, and Joe Garcia and the alligator are raising hell.

Finally, after what seemed like an age, Joe Garcia strangles the alligator and leaves it floating on the surface of the pool.

He then staggers wearily out of the pool as everyone stares at him in disbelief.

“Well, Joe,” says Jeff, “I owe you a Porsche Cayenne.”

“No, that won’t be necessary; I don’t want it,” said Joe.

“Oh, come on,” said Jeff. “I have to give you something; you won the bet.“

“No thanks, I have a nice car, and I don’t need another one,” Joe insisted.

“Come on, you were amazing,” said Jeff. “How about I give you a Rolex watch?“

Once again, Joe Garcia says, “No thanks.”

Confused, Jeff asks, “Well then, what do you want?“

Joe looked around suspiciously at his fellow revellers and then said, “I want to get even with the son-of-a-bitch who pushed me in!“

3. Hard truth:

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian were in an art gallery viewing a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

“Look at their reserve and calm,” said the Englishman. “That suggests they were English.”

“Nonsense,” said the Frenchman. “They are naked and beautiful. That suggests they must have been French.”

The Russian reflected on what he’d just heard momentarily, and then he shook his head. “No,” he said. “They have no clothes, no shelter, and only an apple to eat, and they’re being told they’re in paradise. They were definitely Russian.”

4. Ageing problems:

Old Albert is visiting his doctor because he’s been having trouble with his hearing.

“Doc,” says Albert, “I’ve been having problems with my hearing.”

“Right!” says the doctor. “Let me take a closer look.”

With that, the doctor picks up an otoscope and begins inspecting Albert’s ear.

After a few moments of inspection, the doctor says, “It looks like there’s some sort of object stuck in your ear.“

The doctor grabs a pair of tweezers and proceeds to remove the object carefully.

As he pulls it out, the doctor looks at it closely and then exclaims, “It looks like a suppository!“

Old Albert looks closely at the suppository, and then he looks at the doctor and says, “Doc, can I use your phone?”

“Of course,” the doctor replied.

“I need to tell my wife that I now know where I put my hearing aid,” Albert continued.

5. Amish ways:

An elderly Amish woman was driving her buggy to a nearby town when a police officer stops her on the road.

“Mam, I’m sorry to stop you,” said the police officer, “but I noticed that your rear reflector is broken, and this could be dangerous.”

“Officer, I thank thee,” the Amish woman replied. “As soon as I get home, I’ll have my husband fix it.“

“Well, that’s fine,” said the police officer, “but I also noticed that one of the reins is wrapped around your horse’s testicles. That’s not going to be very comfortable for the horse. So, please have your husband check that too.”

“Officer, again, I must thank thee,” said the woman. “I’ll mention it to him as soon as I get home.“

True to her word, as soon as the Amish woman got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector on the buggy.

“I’ll attend to it immediately,” he responded.

“Good,” she replied. “And while you’re at it, the police officer seemed to think there was something wrong with the emergency brake.”

Phil Sutton

Please share the fun:

So, were any of these jokes genuinely funny for you? I hope so, dear reader.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh. If so, click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today, then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Your support is appreciated, dear reader. Thank you.

Articles you might enjoy:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2026. All rights reserved.

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50 corny dad jokes that are all full groan

02/26/2026 by
50 CORNY DAD JOKES

Do you enjoy corny dad jokes, dear reader? Those that make you groan but also have a way of making us smile too.

Well, today I’ve got 50 dad jokes, which I hope you’ll enjoy.

I’m confident that there’s enough here to raise a smile or two.

So, enjoy them all, and please feel free to share them with your friends.

CORNY DAD JOKES
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Corny Dad Jokes (1-10):

  1. I can’t stop binge-watching fishing shows. I’m just hooked on reel life.
  2. Behind every husband who thinks he wears the pants is a wife who told him which pants to wear.
  3. I heard a story this morning about a chameleon that couldn’t change colour. Apparently, it had reptile dysfunction.
  4. Why do people use a big word when a diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the task admirably?
  5. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. Apparently, he acquired his size from too much pi.
  6. BREAKING NEWS: A nine-year-old girl has disappeared after using her mother’s moisturizer which makes you look 10 years younger.
  7. At the boss’s funeral, a disgruntled employee walked up close to the casket and whispered, “So, who’s thinking outside the box now, Mr Whitaker?”
  8. In Jamaica, a steak pie will cost you around $4. In Trinidad and Barbados, similar pies will cost you around $3. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
  9. I was shocked when my son started chewing electrical cables, so I grounded him. That seems to have worked because currently, he’s conducting himself properly.
  10. In a Catholic convent school, children were lining up in the cafeteria for lunch. There was a large pile of apples at the head of the table. A note above the pile read, “Take only ONE! God is watching you.” At the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies on a tray. Above this pile, some joker had placed his owned handwritten note, which read, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

Corny Dad Jokes (11-20):

  1. I’ve just seen a car being driven by a sheep in a swimsuit. It was a Lamb Bikini.
  2. I had a job working as an elevator operator but I quit. There were just too many ups and downs.
  3. My ambition was to be a Hollywood lighting director but it turns out that I wasn’t bright enough.
  4. I’ve just had my pet frog’s DNA tested. The result suggests he’s part English, part German and a tad Pole.
  5. I tried growing blueberries and raspberries in the snow but it proved to be a completely fruitless endeavour.
  6. My boss asked me why I only ever get sick on workdays. I explained to him that I had a weekend immune system.
  7. How do you tell the gender of an ant? Simple! Drop it in water and if it sinks, then it’s girl ant. And if it floats, it’s boy ant.
  8. I’ve just heard that in Memphis there’s a new line of Elvis-themed steakhouses. Apparently, they’re aimed at people who love meat tender.
  9. My dad told me that I must work until my bank balance looks like a phone number. Well, this morning I finally got there. My current balance is $911.
  10. A wife was so mad with her husband that she packed his bags and told him to get out. “I hope your life is miserable and I hope you die a long, slow, painful death,” she said. “Make up your mind,” he responded. “Should I stay or should I go?”

Corny Dad Jokes (21-30):

  1. I had a date last night and I really enjoy it. Tonight I might try a fig.
  2. Why do the French eat snails? It’s because they don’t like fast food.
  3. If cannibals eat a missionary, will that give them a taste for religion?
  4. If a dog gives birth to puppies on the sidewalk, will it be cited for littering?
  5. You may know where the Big Apple is but do you know where Minneapolis?
  6. I’ve been playing silent tennis. It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.
  7. When I arrived at the gates of the Drug Rehab Centre there was a sign that read, “Keep off the Grass.”
  8. The World Tongue Twister champion has been arrested. I’m sure he’ll be getting a very tough sentence.
  9. I hear that engineers have just made a car that runs on parsley. If only they could make a bus that runs on thyme.
  10. A young police officer named Philip was so good at his job that within a year or two he was voted Police Officer of the year. Naturally, he was thrilled that all his hard work had been recognized. However, very quickly he noticed that his colleagues, his family, his friends and even the preacher at his local church started asking him questions about life, relationships and so on. He started to feel a little awkward about this, given that he’d not had any special training that qualifies him to answer such questions. So he shared his concern with his wife, who smiled at him and said, “Honey, everyone in town knows you’re an award-winning Phil officer.

Corny Dad Jokes (31-40):

  1. Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He couldn’t resistor.
  2. I wish I could stop telling airport jokes but my doctor says it’s terminal.
  3. Did you hear the joke about margarine? On second thoughts, I’d butter not tell it.
  4. I told my wife I want to be cremated and she’s made an appointment for me next Friday.
  5. My wife told me I was getting fat. “Look, dear,” I said. “I can’t help it. I’ve had a lot on my plate lately.”
  6. We took our kids to the zoo last week. We’re going back at the weekend to see how well they’ve settled in.
  7. The Invisible Man married an invisible woman. I’m not sure what they saw in each other. Their kids weren’t much to look at either.
  8. When I see the names of young lovers carved in a tree, I’m always puzzled as to why anyone feels the need to take a knife on a date.
  9. A customer walks into a jewellery store and says, “I want to buy a watch, please.” The clerk smiles and says, “Certainly sir, analog? To which the customer replies, “No, just the watch please.”
  10. A snail walks into a Porsche dealership and buys a 911 Turbo. After finalizing all the options the snail says, “And I want a big letter S on the hood and one on each of the doors too, please.” The salesman looked at him, slightly puzzled and asked, “Why, when your name’s Bill?” The snail smiles in response and then says, “Because when I open her up on the freeway, I want everyone to say, Boy, look at that S-car go!”

Corny Dad Jokes (41-45):

  1. Is there a more terrifying moment than when you’re a guest in someone’s house and the toilet refuses to flush after your morning Number 2?
  2. The teacher asked her class to use the word symmetry in a sentence. First up was little Johnny and his response was, “When you die you’re buried in a symmetry.”
  3. I went into KFC with my young son and I asked the lady for a kid’s meal with a leg. “Which side?” she asked. Thinking momentarily, I then said, “Does it make any difference whether it’s the right or the left?” When she stopped laughing, she said, “No honey, which side would you like to go with the leg? Mashed potato or wedges?”
  4. Now I’ve been in many places over the years, but I’ve never been in cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I must admit, I’ve never been incognito either. It seems no one recognizes you there. However, I have been insane. They don’t have an airport. You have to be driven there. I’ve made several trips, so far.
  5. A court jester was forever making terrible puns which the king found increasingly irritating. He’d expressed his displeasure to the jester on a number of occasions but the terrible puns just kept on coming, so the king sentenced him to be hanged. On the evening of the day before the planned hanging, the King visited the jester in his cell and said that, if the jester promised to change his ways, he would be pardoned. “Oh thank you, your majesty,” said the jester. “No noose is good noose!” The jester was hung at sunrise.

Corny Dad Jokes (46-50):

  1. The principal from my son’s school phoned and said that he’s always being a nuisance in class. “He’s always being a nuisance at home too,” I responded. “But do I ever call you?”
  2. I asked my wife to help me put up some posts in the ground for our new fence. As I was holding a post in place, I gave her a sledgehammer and said, “When I nod my head, hit it.” After that, I don’t remember much.
  3. Whilst out walking my dog, I met a man in the park. During our conversation, he told me about his four new rescue chickens. He really made me smile when he told me he’d called them Hen Solo, Jabba the Cluck, Obi-Hen Kenobi and Princess layer.
  4. A piece of rope walked into a bar and the bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind!” The rope went outside, tied itself into a knot and then started fraying the edges. The rope then went back into the bar only for the bartender to say, “Weren’t you in here earlier?” The rope replied, “No! I’m a frayed knot.”
  5. Jane had been visiting her husband in jail. Before leaving she spoke with one of the correction officers and complained about how hard he was being worked. “He’s exhausted,” she said. The officer smiled and said, “Mam, you’ve got to be joking. He just eats, sleeps and stays in his cell all day.” Jane thinks momentarily and then says, “Well that can’t be right. He’s just told me he’s been digging a tunnel for months.”
Phil Sutton

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30 corny one-liners you might just enjoy

02/26/2026 by
30 Corny One-Liners

Looking for some corny one-liners, dear reader? A few corny jokes to make you smile?

Well, I’ve got 30 of them today, just for you.

I can assure you that these are all full ‘groan’. However, I’m confident they’ll raise a smile or two in the process.

So take a few minutes, perhaps grab a coffee, and enjoy them all.

And if you do enjoy them, feel free to pass them on.

corny one-liners
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Corny one-liners (1-15):

  1. A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
  2. I hate German sausage. It’s the wurst.
  3. I used to be a tap dancer, but I fell in the sink.
  4. Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
  5. I changed my iPhone’s name to Titanic; because it’s syncing now.
  6. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
  7. What did the Statue of Liberty say to the New Yorker? “You’re such a Big Apple!”
  8. Why did the bee go to the doctor? Because he had hives.
  9. What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam!
  10. Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi!
  11. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
  12. I used to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it.
  13. I was looking for my missing watch, but I couldn’t find the time.
  14. What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone!
  15. What did the ocean say to the sailboat? Nothing, it just waved!

Corny one-liners (16-30):

  1. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
  2. What did the paper say to the pencil? Stop scribbling!
  3. Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired!
  4. Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
  5. What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror? Halloumi!
  6. Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Because they’re shellfish.
  7. What did the monkey say when he found a banana in his cereal? A-peeling!
  8. Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well-armed!
  9. I used to be a banker but then I lost interest.
  10. Why doesn’t everyone learn sign language? It’s pretty handy.
  11. I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.
  12. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
  13. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.
  14. Why don’t skeletons ever go out on the town? Because they don’t have any body to go with
  15. I couldn’t quite remember how to throw the boomerang, but eventually, it came back to me.
Phil Sutton

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35 witty quotes from funny people you’ll love

02/25/2026 by
35 witty quotes from funny people

I love witty quotes from the funniest people, and I always make a note of the best ones in my journal.

Today, I thought I’d share some of them with you, dear reader.

Here are 35 of the best witty quotes from some very funny people, and I hope you enjoy them all. Certainly, I did.

witty quotes from funny people
funny stories to tell
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Witty quotes:

  1. One in four frogs is a leapfrog. ~Chris Turner
  2. My cat is recovering from a massive stroke. ~Darren Walsh
  3. A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it. ~Ross Smith
  4. I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring. ~Leo Kearse
  5. I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister. ~Will Marsh
  6. Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day. ~Christian Talbot
  7. I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day. ~Aatif Nawaz
  8. Thing is, we all just want to belong. But some of us are short. ~Lou Sanders
  9. Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat. ~Joe Lycett
  10. Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~ Jordan Brookes
  11. A rescue cat is like recycled toilet paper. Good for the planet, but scratchy. ~Chris Turner
  12. Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy. ~Richard Stott
  13. I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  14. Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open. ~Paul F. Taylor
  15. I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed. ~Olaf Falafel
  16. I used to be addicted to swimming, but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years. ~Alfie Moore
  17. My grandad has a chair in his shower, which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young, he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs. ~Rhys James
  18. My dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief. ~Mark Watson
  19. One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, ‘Ah well, you only live once.” ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
  20. You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase. ~Rob Beckett
  21. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
  22. Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of angry birds. Bad example. ~Bridget Christie
  23. The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much’. ~Andrew Bird
  24. I’m sure wherever my dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending. ~Jack Whitehall
  25. Oh my god, mega drama the other day: My dishwasher stopped working! Yup, his visa expired. ~Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop
  26. It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel
  27. Whenever I see a man with a beard, mustache, and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him’. ~Carey Marx
  28. I don’t have the Protestant work ethic, I have the Catholic work ethic; in that, I don’t work but I do feel very guilty about that. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  29. I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it. ~Adele Cliff
  30. When I found out the amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my permission I was fluming. ~Olaf Falafel
  31. I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
  32. I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
  33. My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, ‘Hurry up!’ because I didn’t want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, ‘The 17-year-old defendant, who hasn’t been named’. ~Jenny Collier
  34. I just bought underwater headphones and it’s made me loads faster. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times. ~Felicity Ward
  35. I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought, ‘This could be interesting.’ ~Paddy Lennox

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You do? I hope so anyway.

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7 of the funniest jokes you’ll read today or any day

02/24/2026 by
7 FUNNIEST JOKES

If you’ve been searching for the funniest jokes, then I’m sure you’ll enjoy the seven I have on offer here. They all made me laugh, and I hope you enjoy them. too, dear reader.

And if you do enjoy them, don’t forget to pass them on. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So, thank you.

FUNNIEST JOKES
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Funniest Jokes:

1. Fred & Ginger dining out:

Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers were dining out in a very swanky, five-star New York City hotel, and they’d both made a point of dressing for the occasion.

Ginger looked absolutely stunning in her ball gown and diamond tiara, while Fred arrived in his trademark top hat, white tie and tails. They both looked like the million-dollar movie stars they were.

All was going well with dinner until they got to dessert. While serving dessert, the clumsy waiter managed to trip, and Fred was showered from head to toe in treacle pudding.

“Oh, I’m most terribly sorry, Mr Astaire,” said the waiter.

Fred was not amused. “So you ought to be,” he said angrily.

Fred sat there fuming as the waiter tried his best to assist.

“Look at the state of me now,” said Fred. “I’ve pudding on my top hat; pudding on my white tie; and pudding on my tails.”

2. Church on Sunday:

Leaving church one Sunday, Bernadette said to her husband Frank, “Do you think Mrs O’Shaughnessy is dying her hair?”

“To be honest, Bernadette, I didn’t even notice Mrs O’Shaughnessy,” Frank responded.

They walked together quietly for a few moments, and then Bernadette remarked, “Did you see that skirt Mrs Kilkenny was wearing? Now don’t tell me you thought that was appropriate for a 40-year-old mother of six.”

“I’m afraid I didn’t really notice Mrs Kilkenny either,” said Frank.

“Huh!” Bernadette responded dismissively. “A lot of good it does you going to church on Sundays.”

3. The protest:

An isolated monastery was inhabited by an order of monks who communicated with each other solely by chanting.

Every morning, they would gather in the chapel, and the abbot would chant, “Good morning, assembled brethren.”

In response, the monks would chant, “Good morning, Father Abbot.”

However, one morning, a disgruntled monk decided to make his point by chanting, “Good evening, Father Abbot.”

The abbot was not amused, and he glared at the assembled monks before he said, “Someone chanted evening.”

4. Dogs and cats:

A German Shepherd dog, a Doberman, and a cat all die on the same day, and they find themselves at the Pearly Gates facing God’s judgment.

God is seated on a golden throne, and he asks each in turn what they believe in.

The German shepherd answers by saying, “Dear God, I’m a firm believer in discipline and loyalty to my master.”

“That’s excellent,” said God, “you may sit here at my right side.”

“So, Doberman,” says God, “what is your response to my question?”

The Doberman reflects on the question momentarily and then says, “Dear God, I believe in love, care and the protection of my master and his family.“

“That’s very good,” said God, “you may sit here at my left side.”

God then looks at the cat, smiles, and then says, “So, my feline friend, what is it you believe?”

A moment or two passes before the cat looks at God nonchalantly and then says, “I believe you’re sitting in my chair.“

5. The will reading:

A lawyer was reading out the will of a wealthy man to his family and everyone mentioned in the document.

“To my loving wife Mary, my rock, and without whom my life would have been very different, I leave the mansion in Bel-Air and $20 million,” the lawyer read out loud.

He paused momentarily for his audience to digest this information, and then he continued reading.

“To my darling daughter Louisa, who supported me so much when my health began to fail and never once complained, I leave my business, my yacht, and $1 million,” said the lawyer.

Again, he paused momentarily to allow this information to sink in.

The lawyer then continued reading the final section of the will, “And to my brother Neville, who argued with me constantly, hated my guts, and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Neville!”

6. Engine trouble:

While cruising at 35,000 feet, the aircraft suddenly shuddered violently.

One passenger looked out of the window and then shouted, “Oh my God! One of the engines has just blown up.”

The passengers were white with fear when moments later the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as an engine on the opposite side exploded.

Passengers started to panic, and the cabin crew struggled to keep order.

However, just then, the captain strode confidently from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing about which they should be alarmed.

Reassured by the captain’s calm manner, passengers returned to their seats, and he coolly walked over to the aircraft’s door.

He then grabbed several packages from under the seats near the door and started handing them to the rest of the crew.

Crew members immediately fastened these packages to their backs.

One observant passenger said, “Hey, aren’t they parachutes?”

“Yes,” said the captain.

“But you said there was no need to be alarmed,” the passenger responded.

“There isn’t,” replied the captain as a third engine suddenly exploded. “We’re going to get help.”

7. Cashflow problem at the zoo:

A zoo was experiencing serious cash flow problems due to visitor numbers falling.

The zoo’s management got together to discuss how they could reverse the trend by introducing a major attraction.

Following the meeting, the manager persuaded a visitor, who was a very big, stocky man, to take a job dressing up in a gorilla costume and masquerading as a great ape.

This deception worked well as the man really threw himself into the role with enthusiasm, devouring buckets of bananas, swinging from branches, pacing his cage menacingly, beating his chest and roaring loudly.

However, one day he went a bit too far, and he accidentally fell into the lion’s enclosure next door.

Panicking, the bogus gorilla started shouting, “Help! Help!”

The lion let out a tremendous roar and then rushed at him. He put his paw on the bogus gorilla’s chest and growled, “Shut up, buddy, or we’ll both lose our jobs!”

Phil Sutton

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Thank you for your support.

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10 funny jokes guaranteed to have you howling with laughter

02/23/2026 by

If you enjoy a good laugh, then these funny jokes are just for you.

Today, there are 10 funny jokes guaranteed to make you laugh.

So sit back, relax and enjoy them all.

And once you’ve enjoyed them, please feel free to pass them on.

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Funny Jokes:

1. The Tiny Pianist:

A guy walks into a New York bar pushing a small suitcase on wheels.

He takes a seat at the bar, and then he begins to open the suitcase carefully.

With the suitcase open, he takes out the tiniest piano you’ve ever seen and places it on the bar. The bartender watches him, a little puzzled.

The guy then reaches back into the suitcase and takes out a tiny man. This little man is no taller than ten inches high and the guy then seats him at the tiny piano.

The tiny man then begins to play a piece by Chopin on the piano in a way that is both enchanting and absolutely beautiful.

The bartender walks up to the guy and says, “Gee, where did you get the tiny pianist? He’s brilliant.“

The guy puts his hand back into his suitcase again and pulls out an old magic lamp, which he then hands to the bartender.

He says to the bartender, “Here, rub this and make a wish.“

The bartender says, “Are you serious?”

The guy says, “Sure, go ahead.”

So the bartender rubs the lamp and says, “I wish for a million bucks!“

There is a loud ‘poof’ sound before a million ducks start marching into the bar.

The bartender looks at the man and says, “Buddy, I think your magic lamp is broken.“

The guy looks at him, smiles, then says, “Tell me something I don’t know. You don’t really think I asked for a 10-inch pianist do you?“

2. An engineer goes to Hell:

An engineer dies and suddenly finds himself standing at the Pearly Gates, in front of Saint Peter, who’s holding a clipboard.

Saint Peter takes a few moments to review his list and then says to the engineer, “I’m sorry old boy but you’re not on the list. That means you’ll have to go down below, I’m afraid.”

The engineer is a little disheartened but trudges off in search of the gates to Hell.

When he arrives in Hell, he’s less than impressed. It’s hot, it’s smelly, and it’s very miserable.

However, being an engineer, he’s very resourceful. So immediately, he decides to take action to improve his situation.

He realises that if he’s to be comfortable, he must do something about the heat. So he decides to install air conditioning. Once he gets that working, everything cools down quite quickly, and it’s all a little bit more pleasant.

Installing the air conditioning proved to be thirsty work, but there aren’t any cold drinks. So the engineer decides to install refrigeration, and before you know it, everyone in Hell can relax with a cold beer.

When he’s got everyone cool and the beer cold, the engineer realises they don’t have any entertainment. So he decides to install cable television. Before you know it, they’re streaming hundreds of television channels.

Suddenly, life in Hell is getting quite pleasant, and the engineer is becoming a popular guy. Well, why wouldn’t he be? He’s constantly using his skills to make life better for everyone.

Anyway, one day, God has reason to phone the Devil. Needless to say, God can’t resist having a little fun at the Devil’s expense.

“So how’s it all going down there, Devil? Still hot and miserable?” says God.

To which the Devil replies, “Well, actually, things are great down here right now. Since you sent us that engineer, we’ve been able to upgrade our facilities substantially.“

God is annoyed and cannot conceal his irritation, saying, “What? You’ve got an engineer? How did that happen? There’s always a place for engineers up here in Heaven; we need their skills. There must be some mistake”

Now it’s the Devil who feels he’s the one who can have a little fun, and he responds with a laugh, “Well, he’s here with us now, and we’re pleased to have him.”

“Send him up here right now,” says God,

The Devil’s having none of it, and he responds, “No way! We’re keeping him. He’s far too useful to let go.“

God decides it’s time to apply a little pressure, so he says, “Look, Devil, either you send him up here to me immediately, or I’ll have no choice but to sue you!“

The Devil falls about laughing and says, “And where will you find a lawyer?“

3. The Bear and the Rabbit:

A bear was chasing a rabbit through the forest.

They ran into a clearing, and the bear chased the rabbit around a giant redwood tree where, as luck would have it, a genie lived.

The genie got so tired of the noise they were making that finally he came out and told them both that he would grant them both three wishes if they’d just agree to go away and leave him in peace.

Naturally, the pair agreed. Who wouldn’t want three wishes after all?

So, the bear said he’d go first. “I wish from now on that every bear in this forest is both female and very, very horny.“

The genie granted him his wish.

The rabbit just grinned and simply asked for a motorcycle crash helmet.

The genie granted him his wish, too. There was a ‘poof’ sound, and then in the rabbit’s paw was a top-of-the-range motorcycle crash helmet.

The bear was somewhat puzzled by the rabbit’s request, but he continued nevertheless with his second wish. “I wish from now that on every bear in the whole country is both female and very, very horny!“

The genie granted the bear his second wish.

Again, the rabbit grinned, and then he said that his second wish was for a Harley-Davidson motorcycle.

This wish was granted, too and again there was a ‘poof’ sound and suddenly there in the forest stood a gleaming Harley Davidson.

The rabbit jumped on the Harley, put his helmet on and then started gunning the hog.

The bear looked at the rabbit, smiled and said, “You must be the dumbest rabbit I’ve ever met!“

It was time for the bear’s final wish, so he said, “I wish from now on that every bear in the whole world is both female and very, very horny!“

The genie granted him his third and final wish. “Rest assured”, the genie said to the bear, “every bear you will ever meet from now on will be both female and very, very horny.”

The bear looked very pleased with himself.

The genie then looked at the rabbit and said, “So, what’s your final wish?”

The rabbit laughed out loud and said, “I wish that from now on the bear is gay.“

With that, the rabbit gunned the hog and disappeared into the sunset.

4. The Taxidermist:

A guy walks into a redneck bar in Texas.

A couple of cross-eyed, local boys are playing Dueling Banjos on their guitars, guns in holsters by their sides.

Other mean-looking guys, similarly armed, are just sitting around, drinking, and they start staring at the stranger in their midst. There’s tension in the air.

The bartender looks at the stranger and says, “What’ll it be, boy?”

The guy says, “I’ll have a white wine spritzer, please.”

The tension in the bar increases noticeably, the other customers are getting twitchy, and hands start reaching for their guns.

The bartender looks at the stranger and says, “With a pussy drink like that, I’m guessing you ain’t from around here, are ya boy? Where ya from?“

The guy says, “Well, actually, I’m from Iowa.“

The bartender frowns at him and says, “Iowa? And what the heck do you do in Iowa, boy?“

The guy tries to lighten the tension with a smile, and then he says, “I’m a taxidermist?“

The bartender gives him a puzzled look and says, “You’re a taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist boy?“

Starting to feel a bit nervous, the guy responds, “I mount animals.“

The bartender grins and shouts out to everyone in the bar, “It’s okay, boys, he’s one of us!“

5. Two accountants:

Two accountants go to their local bank during their lunch break.

They’re both standing in line when suddenly four masked and armed robbers burst in through the door.

One of the robbers yells, “Don’t anyone move. We’ve got guns, and we’ll use them. Cooperate, and you won’t get hurt.”

Two of the robbers then go to the counter with four very large but empty leather bags, and one says to the tellers, “Fill these bags with cash and be quick about it.”

While the tellers nervously fill the bags with cash, the other two robbers line all the customers, including the two accountants, up against a wall.

One robber walks along the line waving his gun menacingly in their faces, and he shouts, “Right, I want your wallets, your cash, your watches, and any other valuables you’ve got, and I want them all now. And if you don’t give me everything you’ve got, I’ll shoot you dead!”

As this is all going on, one accountant stuffs something into the hand of his colleague.

Without looking down, his colleague whispers, “What’s this?“

The accountant whispers back, “It’s that $50 I owe you.“

Phil Sutton

6. Escaped convict:

A convict escapes from Folsom State Prison, where he’s been locked up for 15 Years. He’s on the run and in need of food, money and a gun. So he decides to break into a house, where he thinks he might find at least some of these things. Walking along an affluent street, he spots a house that he thinks looks perfect.

He forces the back door open and steps inside. As he wanders through the house, he finds a young couple in bed. Naturally, they’re both very frightened.

He orders the naked woman out of bed and ties her to a chair.

He then ties her husband to the bed.

The convict then goes back to the woman and, straddling her lap, he puts his head close to the woman’s ear and whispers something before kissing her on the cheek. He then stands up and goes into their bathroom.

While the convict is in the bathroom, the husband whispers over to his wife: “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he straddled your lap and kissed you on the cheek. He’s horny. Just do whatever he asks of you. You mustn’t resist and don’t complain. Satisfy him, no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously dangerous. If he gets angry, he could kill us both. So be strong, honey. I love you!”

There was a sigh of relief from the woman as she whispered back, “When he whispered in my ear, he told me he was gay, and he said he thinks you’re really cute. He said he’s very horny and he wanted to know if we had any protection. I told him he’ll find a box of them in the bathroom cabinet. I knew you would see reason, honey. You be strong. I love you too, and I appreciate the sacrifice you’ll be making.”

7. Thick Nick:

Bill was a straight-A student in high school, but 20 years later, his career has been less than stellar.

Still, when he gets an invitation to a High School reunion, he decides to go anyway.

Well, he figures he hasn’t seen any of his school buddies since those far-off days, and it might be fun at least to see how some of the class losers have gotten on since then. They might provide him with something to laugh at and feel good about himself.

When he arrives at the reunion, the first guy he bumps into is Jack.

Now, this makes Bill a little bit apprehensive. Jack had been a friend of his at school, but he’d also been voted the student most likely to succeed. So Bill figured that Jack must at least be the CEO of a large multinational corporate organization by now.

Well, Jack’s career, too, had not quite lived up to expectations either.

He’s now the manager of the local Credit Union. A decent job, perhaps, but hardly exceptional. Nevertheless, it leaves Bill feeling a little bit more relaxed. Maybe he hadn’t done so badly after all?

As Bill and Jack stand outside the entrance to their old High School, swapping stories about their lives since school days, suddenly a brand new Lamborghini Veneno roars into the parking lot.

This is $5 million worth of supercar, and Bill and Jack are stunned. Who could this be? Surely it couldn’t be one of their old classmates?

As they stand there open-mouthed, the car door opens and out steps Nick.

Now, had there been a vote at school for the student least likely to succeed, then Nick would have won it by a country mile and then some. He was not the brightest crayon in the box, academically, and unsurprisingly, his fellow students all knew him as ‘Thick Nick’.

Bill and Jack couldn’t understand how Nick was doing so well. So they engage him in conversation to find out more.

Jack says to him, “Hey Nick, that car’s awesome. How come you’re doing so well?”

Nick responds and says, “Well, Jack, when I failed to graduate High School, I couldn’t get a job after I left, so I started my own business.”

So Bill says, “Wow Nick, how come your business is so successful?”

Nick smiles and says, “Well, I sell this really popular product, which I can buy for $2 a pop, and I can sell it for $5 a pop. And I can sell it by the truckload. You wouldn’t believe it. It’s amazing how much money you can make with a 3% mark-up.”

MORAL OF THE STORY: Nick may still be thick, but lack of academic success at school is never a barrier to financial success in life. And academic success does not guarantee financial success either.

8. The Indian businessman:

An Indian businessman, Rajesh Bhatia, walks into a bank in the City of London and asks to see the Loans Officer.

Mr Bhatia explains that he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and he needs to borrow £5000.

The Loans officer says that, whilst it’s possible, the bank would need something substantial as security against the loan.

Mr Bhatia responds by saying he’d be happy to hand over the keys to his new Rolls-Royce, which cost £250,000, as security against the loan.

“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says Mr Bhatia, “and I have all the necessary papers here.”

The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. After which Mr Bhatia departs with his money, leaving the Loans officer, the bank’s manager and all their colleagues enjoying a good laugh at Mr Bhatia for using a £250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a £5,000 loan.

One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, Mr Bhatia returns from Europe and repays the £5000 as well as the interest, which comes to £16.81.

As he prepares a receipt, the Loans Officer asks quizzically, “Sir, I must say, we’re all a little bit puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a very wealthy man and a multimillionaire. So why would you bother to borrow £5,000?“

Mr Bhatia replies, “Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £16.81?“

9. The rare centipede:

Whilst out hiking, a guy finds a rare but long and poisonous centipede.

The guy is amazed by what he’s found, and naturally, he wants to show this rare creature to his drinking buddies. So he captures the centipede and places it carefully in a ventilated box.

Once he gets it home, the guy decides he wants to take the centipede to his local bar immediately. So he taps on the box and says, “Would you like to go to Jimmy’s Bar with me and have a beer?“

There’s no answer from the centipede.

The guy waits a few moments and then says, “What do you think? Would you like to go to my local bar and meet my buddies?“

Again, there’s no answer.

Thinking the centipede can’t hear him, the man gets right up close to the box this time and yells, “Hey! Would you like to go to Jimmy’s Bar and have a drink with me?“

A little voice comes out of the box, “I heard you the first time! I’m still putting my shoes on.“

10. Collision course:

The captain of a large US naval aircraft carrier is on the bridge when, on his radar, he spots what he believes to be another vessel, with which his ship is now on a collision course.

The captain immediately gets on his open channel radio and says, “This is the USS Pittsburgh, and you’re on a collision course with this ship. You must take immediate action and change course.”

In response, the captain hears a man with a Spanish accent but speaking perfect English say, “No, sir, I’m sorry, but it’s your vessel that must change course.”

The captain is irritated by this response and says, “This is Captain James Munroe, captain of the USS Pittsburgh, the largest ship in the US fleet. You are a maritime hazard, sir, and I will report you to the authorities unless you change course now.”

There’s silence momentarily, and then the captain hears the response, “This is a lighthouse. Your call.”

Go Explore London

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