Roy Sutton

Today, I offer you some funny short story jokes, dear reader. I’m confident they’ll make you smile, and I’m sure you’ll have to share them with your friends.

If you enjoy funny short story jokes, you’ll enjoy these.

So grab a coffee, relax and take a few moments to enjoy this veritable joke file that will brighten your day.

And please feel free to pass them on.

Funny Short Story Jokes:

1. Billy wants to get married:

Young Billy returned home one evening for dinner after spending the afternoon playing with his little friend Mary, who lived next door.

Naturally, his parents asked him what he’d been doing all afternoon.

“We played soccer for a while, and then I proposed to Mary,” he said.

Not wishing to belittle him, his mom and dad went along with the idea, but his dad thought a little fatherly advice might be appropriate at this point.

“Billy, being married is an expensive business,” said his dad. “How will you both manage?”

“Well,” said Billy, “with the $5 I get from you for pocket money each week and the $5 she gets from her folks, I think we’ll manage. And I can always take on a paper route to earn extra cash.”

Suppressing a strong desire to burst out laughing, his mother said, “That’s all very well, Billy, but how will you and Mary manage if you were to have a baby?”

“Well,” said Billy, “we’ve been lucky to avoid that so far.”

2. Ben goes to the pool:

Young Ben and his friends went to the local swimming pool for the afternoon.

They were playing around as kids do when the lifeguard shouted at Ben, “Hey, kid, you’re not allowed to pee in the pool!”

“But everyone pees in the pool,” Ben responded.

“Maybe so, kid,” said the lifeguard, “but not from the high diving board.”

3. Knock, Knock:

An elderly man was walking down the street one day when he observed a small boy struggling to reach the doorbell at one of the houses.

The kindly old man said to the boy, “Can I help you with that, sonny?”

At which point he smiled and placed a comforting hand on the boy’s shoulder whilst pressing the doorbell firmly with his other hand.

“There,” said the old man as he stepped back from the door. “Now, what do we do, young man?”

“We run like hell, mister,” the boy replied.

4. Potato family:

A family of potatoes sat down to dinner.

There was a mom potato, a dad potato, and three daughter potatoes.

The oldest daughter said, “I have some exciting news! I’m getting married!“

Well, there was an excited response around the dinner table.

“Oh, we’re so happy for you!” said dad potato, “Who’s the lucky guy?“

“He’s an Idaho potato,” his daughter responded.

“That’s wonderful news,” said mom potato. “Idaho potatoes are solid, salt-of-the-earth types. Real hard workers.“

The middle daughter then spoke, “Wow, what a coincidence. I also just received a proposal, too.“

Again, there was a buzz of excitement around the table

“And who proposed to you?” asked mom potato.

“He’s a sweet potato,” said the daughter.

“That’s wonderful,” said sad dad potato. “Sweet potatoes are known for their kindness and gentleness. He will take great care of you.“

Well, now the third daughter felt it was time to have her say, “Mom and Dad, I’m getting married, too!“

“Oh, my goodness, all three of my daughters are getting hitched at the same time,” exclaimed dad potato. “Who is your future husband?“

“Dan Rather,” said the youngest daughter potato.

A hush fell over the table. The parents and two older daughters looked awkwardly down at their plates.

“What’s wrong with Dan Rather?” asked the youngest daughter potato.

“Well, honey,” said the dad, “he’s just a common tater.”

5. Washing the dog:

Little Johnny went into the store, and after some searching around, he picked out a large box of laundry detergent.

Having observed Johnny for a few minutes, the store assistant asked him whether he had a lot of laundry to do.

“No,” said Johnny, “I’m not doing any laundry. I’m going to wash my little dog.”

The store assistant frowned at him and said, “Listen, sonny, that’s a powerful detergent and far too strong for washing a small dog. It could make him ill or perhaps even kill him if you’re not careful.”

Undeterred, Little Johnny said he’d take the detergent anyway, and then he paid the man and left the store.

A week later, Little Johnny was back in the store to buy a Hershey bar. The store assistant saw him and said, “Hey Johnny, how’s your little dog?”

“Oh, he died,” said Little Johnny.

“I’m sorry to hear that, son, but I did warn you about that detergent,” the store assistant replied.

“I don’t think it was the detergent,” said Little Johnny.

“Really?” said the store assistant. “So what was it then?”

“He looked like he was coping very well until the washing machine went into the spin cycle,” Little Johnny replied.

6. Man of the house:

Bill Smith was a hen-pecked husband who was tired of being bossed around by his domineering wife.

After giving it some thought, Bill decided to visit a psychiatrist for help.

The psychiatrist asked Bill a few questions and then said, “Mr Smith, you need to improve your self-esteem and become more assertive.”

“And how do I do that?” asked Bill.

“Read this book,” said the psychiatrist, “and use it as your guide.”

With that, the psychiatrist gave Bill his book on assertiveness.

Bill started reading the book on this way home, and he’d completed it by the time he reached his house.

Fizzing with ideas on how he could be more assertive, Bill stormed into the house and walked straight up to his wife.

“From now on,” said Bill, jabbing his finger at his wife, “I want you to know that I am the man of the house, and my word is law!”

His wife was momentarily speechless.

So, Bill continued, “I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterwards. You got that?”

A little surprised, his wife remained speechless but was growing increasingly irritated.

Bill carried on, “After dinner, I expect you to run a bath for me so that I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?“

Having regained her composure, Bill’s wife looked him in the eye with a steely glint and said, “A funeral director?“

7. Skydiving:

Jim was excited that he had finally achieved a long-held ambition to attend a skydiving course.

The instructor on the course had completed his presentation and was now ready for the question-and-answer session with his new students.

Naturally, Jim was enthusiastic and immediately raised his hand to indicate he had a question.

“Sir, you said our initial jump will be from 3,500 feet,” said Jim.

“That’s correct,” the instructor responded.

“So, can I ask,” Jim continued, “if my parachute fails to open, and my reserve chute also fails to deploy, how long would I have before I hit the ground?“

The instructor smiled at him and then said, “I’d say, you’d have the rest of your life, Jim.”

8. The confessional box:

Sean Murphy goes into the confessional box at St Patrick’s Church after many, many years of being away from his Catholic faith.

Sean pulls aside the curtain, enters the box and sits down.

He’s impressed. Things have improved since his last visit to church. There’s a fully equipped bar, as well as cigars and liqueur chocolates. On the wall, there are some fine photographs of some very nice-looking women.

He waits for a few minutes, and then he hears the priest enter.

“Forgive me, Father, but it’s been a very long time since I last attended confession,” says Sean. “And let me say, the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.“

“Get out, you idiot,” Father O’Riley replies. “You’re on my side!“

9. Government experts:

Once upon a time, there was a King who wanted to go fishing. So, he summoned the royal meteorologist and asked whether there would be any rain that day.

The meteorologist assured the King that there wouldn’t be any rain and that it would be a good day for him to go fishing with the Queen.

So, the King and Queen left the palace and made the journey down to the river.

On their way to the river, the King and Queen met a farmer with his donkey.

When he saw the Royal couple, the farmer said, “Your Majesties, I think you should return to the palace at once, there is going to be a lot of rain in a short time.”

The king was polite, and he appreciated that the farmer was well-intentioned. However, he replied: “I hold the royal meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated man and highly skilled in meteorology. I pay him high wages for his knowledge and skills, and he assured me there would be no rain. I trust him and I will continue on my way.”

“Very well,” the farmer responded, and he stood aside to let the King and Queen go on their way.

However, it wasn’t long before the heavens opened, and a torrential rainstorm ensued.

The King and Queen were soaked, and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a pitiful condition.

Naturally, the King was furious. He summoned the meteorologist and fired him on the spot.

The next day, he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious role of royal meteorologist.

The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I am a humble farmer. I know nothing about meteorology and weather forecasting. I get my information from my donkey. If I see his ears drooping, it means it will rain heavily.”

The King thought about the situation momentarily and then hired the donkey on the spot.

And so began the ancient practice of government hiring donkeys to work in the highest and most influential positions.

10. Personal hygiene:

Jake has just started a new job as a clerk in a department store, on the underwear counter.

On his first day, a man walks in and says, “Two pairs of underpants, please.”

Jake finds that a little strange and says, “Only two pairs of underpants, sir?“

“That’s right,” says the guy. “I wear one while the other pair is being washed.”

Jake looks on in disgust, but he completes the transaction, and the guy goes on his way.

Later that morning, another guy walks in and says, “Can I have five pairs of underwear, please?”

“Just five?” Jake queries.

“Yeah, that’s right,” says the guy. “I wear one pair every weekday, but at weekends I go commando.”

Jake shakes his head in amazement but then says, philosophically, “Well, at least that’s better than my last customer.” The transaction’s completed, and the guy goes on his way.

Before long, Jake has another customer.

The guy says, “Can I have seven pairs of underwear, please?“

Jake is impressed and exclaims, “Finally, a man with standards!”

“That’s right,” says the guy. “One for every day, and I do my laundry every Sunday.”

The transaction is completed after a brief exchange about hygiene, and the guy goes on his way.

Towards the end of the afternoon, in walks Bubba, the hillbilly.

“Can I have 12 pairs of underwear, please?” Bubba asks.

“Wow!” says Jake, “You’re even more hygienic than my last customer.”

“That’s right,” says Bubba. “I change my underwear every month, whether I need to or not, and I do my washing once a year.”

11. Misreading the signals:

Seamus walks into a Dublin bar and orders three pints of Guinness. When he’s been served, he sits at a table in the corner of the bar and proceeds to drink all three pints.

When he’s finished, he returns to the bar and orders three more pints.

The bartender says, “You know the Guinness starts going flat the minute it’s poured, so you’d be better off ordering them one at a time if you’re going to drink them.”

“Well now,” Seamus responds, “I have two brothers, one is in America and the other is in Australia. And I am here in Dublin. When we left home, we promised we would drink together in this way.”

“Aye, well that’s grand,” says the bartender, and he serves Seamus his drinks without another word.

Seamus followed this approach every day in the bar for months.

One day, though, Seamus walks in and orders only two pints.

Well, the bartender and all the regulars in the bar can’t help but notice, and the place falls silent.

When Seamus returns to the bar for another two pints, the bartender says, “Seamus, I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I just wanted to offer you my condolences on your loss.”

Seamus looks at him, a little confused momentarily, before the penny drops and he begins to laugh.

“Oh Jeez,” says Seamus. “Everyone’s grand! It’s just me. I decided to quit drinking!“

12. Guilty conscience:

Jim is standing in line in the supermarket, waiting to pay for his groceries.

As he stood there, he noticed a beautiful woman waving, smiling and saying hello to him.

Having beautiful women wave at him was not an experience with which he was familiar, and he’s not sure who she is, so he says, “I’m sorry mam, but do we know each other?”

The woman replies, “Well, I’m not completely sure, but I think you might be the father of one of my children!“

This throws Jim into a mild panic, as he wonders whether this could have been the result of that one-night stand he had during the drunken guys’ weekend in Vegas.

Eventually, Jim plucks up the courage to ask the question that was on his mind: “Did we meet at the blackjack table at the MGM Grand in Vegas?”

“No,” the woman replies, “I’m your son’s math teacher.”

13. The old folks’ home:

At the Happy Valley Nursing Home, a group of elderly folks are sitting around discussing their ailments.

“My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said Jim.

“Yes, I know,” said Betty. “My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee.“

“Well,” said Martha, “I couldn’t even mark an ‘X’ at election time, my hands are so crippled.”

“What’s that?” said Bert. “Speak up. I can’t hear you.”  

“I can’t turn my head because I’ve got arthritis in my neck,” said Beryl,

They all nodded in recognition of Beryl’s problem.

“Well,” said Jack, “my blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!“

“I forget where I am, and where I’m going,” said Jeff, an octogenarian who looks even older than his years.

“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” said Mabel, philosophically, as she slowly shook her head.

They all nodded in agreement.

“Well, we should count our blessings,” said Albert, “at least, we can all still drive.“

14. Use what you’ve got:

Vic and Dave were best friends, and both were deaf. One morning, they’re chatting with sign language during their coffee break, having both been out late drinking the night before.

Laughing and joking about their late drinking session, Vic says to Dave, “Well, my wife, Jane, was fast asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed without any trouble.“

“Jeez,” said Dave, “you were lucky. My wife, Barbara, was wide awake, waiting up for me in bed. The minute I entered the bedroom, she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late.”

“Oh, buddy, that’s awful,” Vic responded. “So, what did you do?“

Dave smiled and then said, “I just turned out the bedroom light.”

15. The Repair:

Rick’s wife, Victoria, had a tear in her dress, and she took it to a dressmaker for repair.

Victoria asked Rick to collect it for her on his way home from work.

Rick did as requested and collected it, but he was in a hurry, so he didn’t have time to check it.

The following morning, Victoria had to leave early for a business trip, but she left Rick a message after discovering that the repair to her dress hadn’t been completed.

Rick read the message, and she’d wrote upon it, “Return to mender a dress unsewn.”

16. The refrigerator:

Physician Dr Davis is sitting in his surgery one morning when a patient arrives, complaining of severe back pain.

Dr Davis starts to examine his patient, and he asks him, “Can you tell me exactly what happened to your back, Mr Smith?“

Mr Smith replies, “Well, doctor, I work nights in a local night club. This morning, I got home early and could hear a noise in my bedroom.”

“Right,” Dr Davis responded, “but how did this affect your back?”

“Well, doctor,” Mr Smith continued, “when I entered the bedroom, I knew someone had been with my wife, as the balcony door was open.”

“I still don’t quite understand,” said Dr Davis.

“Well,” Mr Smith continued, “naturally, I rushed out onto the balcony, and as I looked down, I saw a man running, and he was dressing himself as he ran. So, I grabbed the refrigerator and threw it at him. And that’s how I strained my back.“

Not long after Mr Smith left Dr Davis’s surgery, a second patient arrived, looking like he’d just crawled out of a wrecked car.

“Well,” said Dr Davis, “my last patient looked bad, but you look terrible, Mr Jones. What has happened to you?“

“You won’t believe it, doctor,” said Mr Jones. “I was meant to be starting a new job today, having been unemployed for months. I overslept, and I was running out of the house, dressing as I went, trying to ensure I wasn’t late. Next minute, out of nowhere, a refrigerator lands on my head.”

Within seconds of Mr Jones leaving the doctor’s surgery, the third patient of the day walks in.

Mr Wilson is in an even worse state than the two previous patients, and he looked like he had fallen from a great height.

“Good morning, Mr Wilson,” said Dr Davis, a little shocked by what he saw before him. “What has happened to you?”

“Well, doctor,” Mr Wilson responded, “I was hiding in a refrigerator, and someone threw it from a 3^rd-floor balcony.”

17. The drunk and the Catholic priest:

A drunken man staggered onto a subway train and sat next to a Catholic priest.

The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes, the drunk turned to the priest and said, “Excuse me, Father, what causes arthritis?“

“My son,” the priest responded, “it’s caused by loose living, being with immoral women, drinking too much alcohol and having only contempt for your fellow man.”

“Really?” said the drunk. “Well, I’ll be damned!” He then returned to reading his newspaper.

Having thought about what he’d said and feeling guilty, the priest nudged the man and apologised. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so judgmental. How long have you had arthritis?“

“I don’t have it, Father,” the man responded. “I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

18. Dazed and confused:

Bill was working in his front garden one day when, suddenly, a car came crashing through his fence and ploughed into his front lawn.

Momentarily startled, Bill quickly gathered his composure and rushed to help the driver.

He could see that the driver was quite an elderly lady, so Bill helped her to get out of the car slowly and sat her down in a chair on his veranda.

“Forgive me, mam,” said Bill. “I don’t want to appear judgmental, but you look to be a little too old to be driving.“

“Well, I’ll be 95 next month,” said the old lady, “and I’ve now reached the age where I don’t even need a driver’s license anymore.“

“Really?” said Bill. “Why do you say that?“

“Well,” said the old lady, “when I had my physical recently, my doctor asked if I had a driver’s license.”

“Presumably, you told him you did?” Bill responded, quizzically.

“That’s right,” said the old lady, “and I handed it to him to prove it.”

“And what did he say?” asked Bill.

“He just took some scissors from a drawer,” the old lady responded, “then he cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, before saying, ‘You don’t need this anymore!”

“And what did you say?” asked Bill.

“Naturally, I thanked him for letting me know, and then I left,” said the old lady.

19. Reality check:

Jane, Jenny and Wilma were three friends whose lives were cut tragically short by a road traffic accident.

In the blink of an eye, they found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St Peter.

“Welcome to heaven, ladies,” said St Peter. “There is just one rule to remember. Please don’t step on any of the rabbits running around freely. You should be aware that there is a punishment for those who do.”

The three friends agreed they’d be careful, and with that, they walked through the Pearly Gates into the Kingdom of Heaven.

Sure enough, there were rabbits everywhere, as far as the eye could see.

However, they did their best to tread carefully and avoid these harmless creatures.

One day, the inevitable happened, and Jane, unfortunately, stepped on a rabbit.

Instantly, St Peter was standing in front of her.

“I’m sorry, Jane,” said St Peter. “I did warn you about stepping on rabbits.”

“I’m sorry, but it was an accident,” Jane responded.

“That may be true, but I must apply the penalty,” said St Peter.

With that, St Peter chained Jane to the ugliest man she had ever seen, and she was told that she was doomed to be bonded to this wretch for eternity.

Jenny and Wilma, having witnessed what happened, were now petrified of making the same mistake.

They took even greater care over the next several months, but eventually the inevitable happened again.

One day, while being distracted, Jenny stepped on a rabbit.

Again, justice was swift, and she found herself also bonded in perpetuity to the ugliest man you could imagine.

Well, Wilma, fearing the worst, took extra care from then on.

However, eventually she also stepped on a rabbit.

St Peter quickly appeared, and Wilma was immediately chained to a truly handsome man.

Wilma was puzzled and asked St Peter, “My friends stepped on rabbits, and they were punished by being bonded to hideous-looking men. I commit the same sin, but I get an Adonis. Why is that?”

The Adonis looked at her and said, “I stepped on a rabbit.”

20. The Budgie:

Geoffrey sees a budgie in the window of a pet store, and feeling a little sorry for the bird, he decides he’ll buy it.

However, he’s quickly disappointed when, despite his best efforts, he can’t get the budgie to talk.

So he decides to go back to the pet store to complain.

“I purchased this budgie a month ago now, but I can’t get him to utter a single word,” said Geoffrey to the store assistant.

“Try him with a mirror,” the store assistant suggested. “Budgies love to look at their reflection, and you’ll soon have him saying, “Who’s a pretty boy?”

So Geoffrey purchased a mirror from the store assistant and returned home with his budgie.

Once again, he was disappointed, as the budgie still wouldn’t talk.

So once again, Geoffrey went to the pet store to complain.

“Try him with a ladder”, said the store assistant. “Budgies love climbing, and I’m sure he won’t stop talking once he’s got a ladder.”

So Geoffrey purchased a little ladder from the store assistant and returned home with his budgie.

Yet again, not a word was spoken by the budgie, so a week later, Geoffrey was back in the pet store again with the budgie.

“Try getting him a bell,” said the store assistant. “The sound of a bell will encourage him to talk, I’m sure. At the very least, he’ll try to imitate the bell’s sound.”

So Geoffrey bought the bell and returned home only to be disappointed yet again.

Two weeks later, Geoffrey’s back in the pet store.

“How’s your budgie?” asked the store assistant. “Have you got it talking yet?”

“Finally, he did say something,” said Geoffrey. “He looked in the mirror, climbed the ladder, rang his bell, uttered a few words, and then dropped off his perch and died.”

“Oh dear!” said the store assistant. “What did he say?”

“He said, doesn’t that damn pet store sell birdseed?” Geoffrey responded.

21. Giving evidence:

A veteran police officer is giving evidence in court.

The defence attorney is cross-examining him during a felony trial.

Naturally, the lawyer is trying everything he can to undermine the police officer’s credibility.

“So, officer,” said the attorney, “did you see my client fleeing the scene?“

“No, sir,” said the police officer. “But later, I saw a person matching the description of the accused running several blocks away.”

“Is that so, officer?” said the attorney, looking towards the jury, “and who provided you with this description?“

“My colleague, who was the first responder to the scene,” said the officer.

“So, you’re telling me that a fellow officer provided you with the description of this so-called offender,” said the attorney. “And do you trust your fellow officers?“

“Of course,” said the officer. “I would trust him with my life.”

The attorney looked at the jury, again, then turned back to the officer and said, slowly, “You would trust him with your life?”

“Yes, sir,” said the officer.

The defence attorney paused momentarily and then said, “Let me ask you this, then, officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your duties?“

“Yes, sir, we do,” the police officer responded.

“And presumably you have a locker in that room?” the attorney continued.

“Yes, sir, I do,” said the officer.

“And do you lock away your possessions in that locker?” the attorney continued.

“Yes, sir, I do,” the officer continued.

“Now that’s interesting, said the attorney, once again looking towards the jury for dramatic effect.

“So,” the attorney continued, “you say you’d trust your fellow officers with your life, and yet you feel the need to lock away your possessions in a room you share with those officers.”

Again, the attorney allowed a momentary pause for effect before saying, “Why is that officer?”

The veteran police officer suppressed a smile before he said, “Well, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through our locker room.“

Moral of the Story: Don’t mess with veteran police officers. They’re sharp, they’ve heard it all before and they’re never short of a smart comeback line.

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