humor

60 British insults for getting your message across

10/14/2025 by Roy Sutton

When it comes to insults, the British certainly can have a clever turn of phrase. Well, I think so, but then again, I am British, so perhaps I’m a little bit biased. Therefore, allow me to offer you 60 British insults to prove my point.

All of these clever comebacks made me smile, and I hope you’ll enjoy at least some of them too.

So take a few minutes to appreciate the British sense of humour, and please feel free to pass them on.

British insults (1-20):

Get lost!
You stink!
You wazzock!
A pox on you.
Do one, tosser!
You gormless git!
You silly plonker!
Shove it up your ass!
You pointless prick!
Just get out of my sight.
You’re as daft as a brush.
You sir are a waste of space.
You’re an absolute doorknob.
You’re as mad as a box of frogs.
You’re a sandwich short of a picnic.
Watch where you’re going, dipstick!
You corrosive lump of faecal horror.
You have a mouth like a torn pocket.
Pigs in a sty smell better than you do.
You’re a waste of the air you breathe.

British insults (21-40):

You look ill. Should I call a vet for you?
Wow, you’ve got a great face, for radio!
Are you talking to me or chewing a brick?
Nice hair. Does it grow all over your back?
You’re wearing that shirt for a bet, surely?
Do you have anything edible on the menu?
Is it normal to foam at the mouth like that?
You’ve got a face like a bag of smashed crabs.
Boy, you’ve been whacked with the ugly stick!
Is that rotting flesh or your armpits I can smell?
You’ve got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.
You add less value than the excrement on my shoe.
Do that again and I’ll have your guts for garters.
You don’t have to be a complete tosser all your life.
You’re so obnoxious, how do you live with yourself?
Where I come from we walk the family pet not eat it.
I’m guessing they don’t sell deodorant where you live.
Why don’t you go sit on the rough end of a pineapple?
If you want to lose weight, try shaving your legs.
I don’t hate you, but may your death be slow and painful.

British insults (41-60):

Perhaps it might just be a ‘You’ problem?
Only a complete slimeball would think that’s acceptable.
Yes, I’d love to meet your parents. When does the zoo open?
Well, aren’t you a little bundle of something quite unpleasant?
Yes, I’m drunk but tomorrow I’ll be sober and you’ll still be ugly.
What’s the matter with you? You’ve got a face like a melted welly.
Everyone has the right to be ugly but you’re abusing that privilege.
If you really must smile it would be better if you visited a dentist first.
Call me unworldly if you must, but do women normally have hair there?
With a menu as bad as this I won’t have any problem sticking to my diet.
I wouldn’t call you ugly but you’ve got a face like a blind cobbler’s thumb.
I think you’re brave in showing your face in public, without a bag covering it.
What’s wrong with you? You’re walking like your ass is chewing a toffee.
If you want to lose weight quickly dear, you could try shaving your legs.
I’d call you ugly but that doesn’t quite say what a truly unpleasant sight you are.
I must have done something terrible in another life to deserve a minge bag like you.
People say you’re a bit of a spanner but in my experience, you’re more the full toolkit.
If you could just listen to yourself for a minute you’d realize your opinion is ridiculous.
Could I borrow a hosepipe, please? You look like you’re in need of some colonic irrigation.
I know I asked for a rare steak but a good vet could have this one back on its feet in an instant.

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People do enjoy British insults, so please share this post now.

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Thank you.

25 amusing quotes about getting old to tickle you

10/08/2025 by Roy Sutton

Today I’ve curated some amusing quotes about getting old.

There are worse things than getting old. Not getting old, just being one of them. Nevertheless, being old is a tough gig. Like an old car, everything starts to wear out, and it all seems to happen at once. That’s life, unfortunately, and we have to get used to it.

The trick is to remain stupid and cheerful, and that way you’ll experience less stress. You can try smart and angry if you prefer, but I think you’ll find it doesn’t help improve anything.

One great way to remain cheerful is to read something amusing each day.

Which is why, today, I am offering you 25 amusing quotes about getting old to make you smile. Indeed, they all made me smile.

If you’re old, I’m sure some of them will resonate with you. If you’re not old, then enjoy your youth while you can. The years will pass in the blink of an eye.

Whatever your age, remember, you’ll never be as young again as you are today. And you’ll never have today again, either. So, you might as well enjoy it.

Amusing quotes about getting old:

Looking 50 is great if you’re 60. ~Joan Rivers
Age is a high price to pay for maturity. ~Tom Stoppard
No man is ever old enough to know better. ~Holbrook Jackson
Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician. ~Author Unknown
When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick. ~George Burns
A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams. ~John Barrymore
You’re only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. ~Ogden Nash
Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative. ~Maurice Chevalier
You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.” ~Jerry Seinfeld
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. ~Author Unknown
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. ~George Burns
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘“At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” ~Claude Pepper
You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. ~Bob Hope
He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money upfront. ~George Burns
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. ~Billy Crystal
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. ~Kurt Vonnegut
There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward. ~John Mortimer
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. ~Woody Allen
As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. ~Sir Norman Wisdom
I don’t do alcohol anymore. I can get the same effect just by standing up fast. ~Author Unknown
None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm. ~Henry David Thoreau
Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed, and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look, and pulled down the shade. ~Joan Rivers
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. ~Larry Lorenzoni
It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens. ~Woody Allen
If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself. ~Author Unknown

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When you share, everyone wins.

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Thank you for being so supportive.

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Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, amusing quotes, amusing quotes about getting old, fun, funny, getting old, humor, Life, LOL, Meaning, Philosophy, quotes, smile, Wisdom

17 jokes that will make you laugh out loud

10/08/2025 by Roy Sutton

We all need more opportunities to laugh out loud, so I’ve gathered some more jokes by trawling the Internet just for you, dear reader.

I cannot be sure who wrote them originally, but I’d be happy to credit the authors if anyone can identify them.

In the meantime, here are today’s 17 jokes that will make you laugh out loud. Indeed, they made me smile.

Laugh out loud (1-7):

What do you call someone wearing a belt with a watch attached to it?
A waist of time.

Did you hear about the guy who broke both his left arm and left leg?
He’s all right now.

Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
Because he had a great fall.

How can you get four suits for a dollar?
Buy a deck of cards.

Why didn’t the melons get married?
Because they cantaloupe.

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef but nobody can pee soup!

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Snowballs.

Laugh out loud (8-17):

What did the bartender say to the drunk who walked into the bar with jumper cables around his neck?
You can stay but don’t try to start anything.

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

Thieves stole a truck full of Viagra today.
The police are on the lookout for two hardened criminals.

I always sleep better naked.
Why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

A police officer asked me where I was between 5 and 6.
He seemed irritated when I said kindergarten.

What do you call a caveman with wind?
A blast from the past.

The waitress asked, “You wanna box for those leftovers?”
I said, “No, but I’ll arm wrestle you for them.”

Thousands of eggs have been stolen from a local farm.
Police believe poachers are to blame.

I’ve taken up a new sport. It’s called silent tennis.
It is just like regular tennis, but without the racket.

I’m writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s an oughtobiography.

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these jokes made you smile, then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

39 attitude quotes that take sarcasm to another level

10/08/2025 by Roy Sutton

If you like attitude quotes, clever put-downs, and sarcasm, then you should enjoy this collection today.

39 sarcastic remarks to add to your quiver full of arrows. These are ammunition for use on another day when someone tries to have a go at you and needs reminding that you’re a person with whom they should not mess if they know what’s good for them.

Hopefully, one or two of these might just give you a good laugh too. Enjoy them all.

Attitude quotes:

I get it. Life’s a soup, and I’m a fork.
If your phone doesn’t ring, it’ll be me.
If I were a bird, I know who I’d shit on.
Just be yourself isn’t always good advice.
What doesn’t kill you can only disappoint me.
The trash gets picked up tomorrow. Be ready.
You look like something I drew with my left hand.
If you’re the voice of reason, then we’re in trouble.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
Hey, I found your nose again. It was in my business.
If only you ran like your mouth. You’d be in great shape.
You’re such a treasure, why hasn’t someone buried you?
You know, you have one really annoying habit. Breathing.
If I was meant to be controlled, I’d have come with a remote.
I have plenty of terrible ideas. Just let me know if you need any.
I wasn’t being rude. I just said what everyone else was thinking.
May your earholes turn into assholes and shit on your shoulders.
Oh, darling, you should really go out and buy yourself a personality.
I try to see the best in everyone but you’re making it really difficult.
You think you know it all but clearly, you don’t know when to shut up.
I’m really sorry if my sense of humour offended your total lack of one.
WIFE to HUSBAND: Sure, I make terrible choices. One of them was you.
I encouraged my wife to embrace her mistakes. She gave me a big hug.
I’m not one for revenge but I might arrange for you to have an accident.
Putting on your makeup every day must be hard, with you having two faces.
They call it a selfie because narcissist is too hard for most people to spell.
I can’t help but wonder why someone hasn’t hit you in the face with a shovel yet.
When you spun the wheel of attitude this morning, clearly it landed on bitch again.
I’d love to help you, but I don’t even play an active role in my own life anymore.
Roses are red; violets are blue; I’ve got five fingers; the middle one’s for you.
Do I think you’re pretentious? You’d eat worms in a deli if they came with a French name.
There’s someone for everyone, and the person for you would have to be a psychiatrist.
Apart from being physically exhausted, financially challenged, overweight, and mentally unstable, everything’s going really well. Thanks.
It’s not for me to question your father’s sperm count, but, seriously, were you actually the sperm that won?
If I’m smiling, I’m contemplating doing something really bad. If I’m laughing, I’ve already done it.
I don’t have an attitude problem. You may have a problem with my attitude, but that’s not a problem for me.
There are trees out there tirelessly producing oxygen, so you can breathe. I think you owe them an apology.
When I was a child, my father told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. It seems, nowadays they call that identity theft.
Let me stop you right there. If it involves early mornings, sweating, or dealing with people, then the answer’s No!

Bonus Attitude Quotes:

1. Bold and Confident Attitude Quotes:

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Confidence is not ‘they will like me.’ Confidence is ‘I’ll be fine if they don’t.’
My style is what I like, not what others expect.
I’m not special; I’m just limited edition.
Be savage, not average.

2. Positive and Empowering Attitude Quotes:

Your attitude determines your direction.
Stay humble, but let them know.
A great attitude becomes a great day, which becomes a great year, which becomes a great life.
Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself, and the right people will love you.
Turn your can’ts into cans and your dreams into plans.

3. Sassy and Fun Attitude Quotes:

I’m not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.
Too glam to give a damn.
I’m not a backup plan, and definitely not a second choice.
I’m not perfect, but I’m always myself.
Silence is the best response when you’re dealing with nonsense.

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these attitude quotes made you smile, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

32 witty, one-liner jokes about getting old to make you smile

10/08/2025 by Roy Sutton

Looking for some jokes about getting old, dear reader? Well, today I can offer you 32 of them.

Whether you’re young or old, I’m sure you’ll be able to relate to a few of them.

I hope you enjoy them all and I hope they make you smile. Certainly, they all made me smile.

And remember this; we all get older, but getting old is a state of mind much more than anything else. You don’t have to let the old man or woman in.

Anyway, take a few moments to read them all and then pass them on.

Jokes about getting old:

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

Women rarely admit their age; men rarely act it.

I’m so old that my first car was a covered wagon.

How come everyone my age seems older than me?

I’m at the age where I can’t keep up with all the things I hate.

A wise man remembers a woman’s birthday but never her age.

I’m so old, I can remember when emojis were called hieroglyphics.

Regular naps will prevent old age, especially if taken while driving.

Ageing gracefully is the polite way of saying you’re slowly looking worse.

You know you’re old when dining out means catching the early bird special.

We were so poor growing up we could only listen to Simon or Garfunkel.

You know you’re old when people call at 9 pm and ask, “Did I wake you?”

I believe in loyalty. So, when I got to a certain age, I decided to stick with it.

My wife’s so vain, she’d rather pay full price than admit she’s a senior citizen.

I’d like to say I’m ageing like fine wine, but in my case, it’s more like a fine banana.

I like older women because they’re used to life’s disappointments, so they’re ready for me.

When you’re old, getting lucky is walking into a room and remembering exactly why you’re there.

Old age is when your old classmates are so grey, wrinkled, and bald that they no longer recognize you.

If it’s your birthday today, you should congratulate yourself. Especially if you’re still able to remember it.

The older I get, the more cults make perfect sense. Do you know how hard it is to make friends as an adult?

You know you’re getting old when you have more candles on your cake than friends at your birthday party.

The skill of the diplomat is the ability to tell someone to go to Hell in such a way that they’ll look forward to the trip.

Old age is when you’re faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by nine o’clock.

The best moment of a woman’s life isn’t giving birth, it’s seeing an old adversary and realizing how fat and ugly she is now.

When you’re young, you make a lot of noise just having fun. When you’re old, you make even more noise just bending over.

I wanted to look distinguished in my old age, so I grew a beard. Turns out the statement I’m making is more like, “Discount, please, I’m a senior!”

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive. Fortunately, my older brother told me about it.

When I was young, I did stupid things because I didn’t know any better. Now I know better, I still do stupid things, but I can’t help it.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then I remember that death will be normal for my age at some point.

I’ve reached the age where looking in the mirror is like checking the news. I know there’ll be some new developments I won’t like.

When you’re young, embarrassment is forgetting to zip up your fly. When you’re old, embarrassment is forgetting to unzip your fly.

As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right one for me.

Dear reader, did these jokes about getting old make you smile? I do hope so.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. I’m confident that you’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read today, please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. And you’ll be helping an aspiring blog to reach a wider audience.

Thank you for your support.

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DISCLAIMER: Post contains affiliate links; commissions support cost of maintaining site. Thank you.

Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, fun, funny, hilariously funny jokes, humor, humour, Inspiration, jokes, jokes about getting old, Laugh, LOL, smile, witty jokes, witty one liners, witty one-liner jokes

31 sarcasm quotes that are the sharpest form of wit

10/08/2025 by Roy Sutton

Today I’m sharing some excellent sarcasm quotes.

They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but I’m not so sure.

I admire a clever put-down or a few sharp words intended to put someone squarely in their place.

In today’s post, I offer you 31 sarcasm quotes that are sharp and funny, and they made me smile. So I hope they provide you with some ammunition next time you need it.

These are some of the sharpest sarcasm quotes I’ve seen recently, so enjoy them all and make a mental note of the best ones for future use:

Sarcasm Quotes

Me? Sarcastic? Never!

Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.

Well, that was almost interesting.

Am I free tomorrow? No, I’m expensive.

Stupidity is not a crime. You’re free to go

I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.

I disagree, but I respect your right to be stupid.

Well, you never learn anything by doing it right.

I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.

If only closed minds came with closed mouths.

I stopped listening, so why don’t you stop talking?

I can only hope your day is as pleasant as you are.

I’m guessing you don’t get invited to many parties.

I’m returning your nose, dear! I found it in my business.

Sarcasm is the body’s natural defence against stupidity.

Well, that’s several minutes of my life I’ll never get back.

Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.

I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.

If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, don’t ask a stupid question.

Just because you’re raising your voice doesn’t mean you’re right.

If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

If you want to lose weight, love, have you thought of shaving your legs?

I’m only being patient with you because there are too many witnesses.

That joke is so old, I’m sure the first person to hear it fell off his dinosaur.

Oh, you’re talking to me. I thought there was something wrong with you.

If somehow you persuaded someone to marry you, they have my sympathy.

The trouble with you is you lack the power of conversation but not the power of speech.

From the moment I saw you, I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life avoiding you.

Yes, I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.

You could shake my pelvis and call me Elvis, but I’d still be willing to bet no one spends time with you willingly.

Your flexibility amazes me. How do you get your foot in your mouth and your head up your ass at the same time?

Enjoyed these sarcasm quotes?

So, dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these sarcasm quotes made you smile, please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share them now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Thank you.

25 Quotes from the Barney Miller Television Sitcom

09/30/2025 by Roy Sutton

In the golden age of 1970s television sitcoms, Barney Miller stood out—not for flashy action or laugh-track hijinks, but for its sharp wit, warm humanity, and a dingy squad room that became home to some of TV’s most memorable characters.

Set almost entirely within the walls of a New York City police precinct, the series balanced dry humour with a surprising dose of realism, giving audiences something rare: a sitcom that was funny, thoughtful, and deeply human.

At its centre was Captain Barney Miller (Hal Linden), the calm, steady leader who anchored his detectives through bizarre cases and everyday absurdities.

Surrounding him was a wonderfully mismatched crew: the perpetually grumbling Detective Fish, who sighed, “If it’s not one thing, it’s another. Usually, it’s another.”; streetwise Yemana, forever making dreadful coffee and shrugging, “It’s not the taste, it’s the experience.”; the stylish, ambitious Harris, who insisted, “I’m not just a cop—I’m a cop with style.”; and the earnest, well-meaning Detective Wojciehowicz (“Wojo”), whose innocence often collided with the gritty realities of the job, leading to both laughs and moments of surprising poignancy.

What made Barney Miller special was its ability to turn small, often ridiculous situations into big laughs while never losing sight of the humanity beneath the humour.

Long before the era of The Office or Brooklyn Nine-Nine, it pioneered workplace comedy as a space where character quirks and relationships took precedence over plot.

For viewers today, it remains more than just a sitcom—it’s a reminder that even in the most chaotic precinct, empathy, wit, and a little patience can keep the whole place together.

Barney Miller is one of my all-time favourite sitcoms, and if you’ve never seen it, I recommend checking it out on YouTube.

Here are some quotes from the series to give you a flavour for what it was all about.

Quotes from Barney Miller:

“Apparently someone did.”
— Captain Barney Miller (Hal Linden) — dryly summing up how Chano killed both hostage?takers after Fish describes the crime
“That’s some dirty guy.”
— Detective Sgt. Chano Amenguale (Max Julien) — after describing obscene phone calls to Yemana
“Divorce is like a horse with a broken leg. You can shoot the horse, but that don’t fix the leg.”
— Yemana (Gregory Sierra) — weirdly practical analogy about divorce
“You get to be 200 years old, I guess you get a little cranky.”
— Captain Barney Miller — commenting on Fish’s grumpiness during bicentennial rioting
“I think you better tell them. They may come up with somebody.”
— Captain Barney Miller — when Wojo describes a horse mistaken for a missing animal
“Liz, you heard the radio: shootings, bombings. It’s my busy season.”
— Captain Barney Miller — in response to Liz’s desire for a day trip
“Hello? Hello? Hello, Bomb Disposal?”
— Captain Barney Miller — growling into a shared phone line before recognizing it’s Wojo
“I think of you as experienced. In an emergency, you’d be the first one I’d call.”
— Captain Barney Miller — praising Fish dryly, after Fish quips he needs time to put in false teeth
“Sounds like menopause. I caught it from Bernice.”
— Captain Barney Miller — when Fish describes body changes in mid?life
“You’re not supposed to hide. You’re supposed to try and make it better.”
— Captain Barney Miller — encouraging Mr. Webber amid despair over city troubles
“Two armed men… it’d have gone on all day if someone didn’t get inside.”
— Fish (Abe Vigoda) / Barney Miller — after recounting a failed hostage situation
“No.”
— Captain Barney Miller — in response to Elizabeth asking if they can afford a Paris holiday, then taking her to lunch
“Arrest the first nak*d guy you see with a dirty mouth.”
— Captain Barney Miller — blunt directive during a bizarre situation
“That’s okay. I don’t want to hear it.”
— Captain Barney Miller — after Wojo apologizes for being late
“Is that some dirty joke you’re telling me, Dietrich?”
— Captain Barney Miller — reacting to Dietrich explaining his involvement in the “New Celibacy Movement”
“I wish we had a psychiatrist in town; I bet Barney would be a real study.”
— Andy (Gary Burghoff) — dryly about Barney’s behaviour
“There ain’t no gold. And don’t be hanging around when that truck comes through.”
— Barney Fife (Don Knotts) — in classic small?town style from his namesake series quoted on the site
“Man gets his best suit spotted and pressed… and for what? Heartaches!”
— Barney Fife — scornful reflection on grooming versus heartbreak
“We defy the Mafia!!!”
— Barney Fife — bold declaration of local bravado
“Like they always say… the quality of mercy is not strained… well, you’re not talking to a jerk, you know!”
— Barney Fife — mock-quoting Shakespeare to insult someone
“Do you have any idea how hard it is to work with someone who thinks he knows everything?”
— Barney Fife — exasperated hardware-suitment from Mayberry
“And get that g*n out of your mouth!”
— Andy — direct, terse reaction in a tense moment
“Pa, just what can you do with a grown woman?”
— Opie — blunt kid?logic in classic catch?phrase style
“We thought about killing him, kind of hated to go that far.”
— Briscoe Darlin — grimly comedic assessment of frustration
“Fly a quail through here and every one of ’em would point.”
— Barney Fife — absurd observational comedy at a party

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

Did you enjoy the Barney Miller brand of humour?

If so, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

Please share this post now.

Thank you.

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Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: amusing, Barney Miller, Comedy, fun, funny, humor, humour, LOL, Sitcoms

Tommy Cooper One-liners: 35 that’ll make you smile

09/29/2025 by Roy Sutton

If you enjoy Tommy Cooper one-liners, I’ve curated 35 for you to enjoy today.

For readers unfamiliar with him, Tommy Cooper was a legendary British entertainer hugely popular on television in Britain in the 1960s and 1970s.

Thomas Frederick Cooper was a Welsh prop comedian and magician. As an entertainer, his appearance was large and lumbering at 6 feet 4 inches (1.93 m), and he habitually wore a trademark red fez hat when performing.

As a magician, his tricks would often take an unexpected turn for comedic effect. That said, he was a skilled conjurer and a member of the Magic Circle.

Sadly, Tommy Cooper is no longer with us but his humour lives on and there are plenty of old videos on YouTube showing him performing in his heyday. They are well worth checking out if you have the time.

In the meantime, here are some samples of his unique humour.

Tommy Cooper One-liners

I went into a French restaurant and asked the waiter, “Have you got frog’s legs?” He said, “Yes.” So, I said, “Well, hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich!”

I had a dream last night; I was eating a ten-pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

I said, “Seriously, doctor, I have broken my arm in several places.” He said, “Well, you shouldn’t go to those places.”

I’m on a whisky diet, I’ve lost 3 weeks already!

Here’s a little trick I picked up. I don’t know who dropped it

I got complimented on my parking the other day. There was a ticket on my windscreen saying parking fine.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

I never had much luck. I had a rocking horse and that died.

Two elephants fell off a cliff… BOOM, BOOM!

A guy stopped me last night. He said, “Have you seen a policeman round here?” I said ”No.” He said, ”Well, stick ‘em up!”

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

I was cleaning the loft out with the missus the other day. Dirty, filthy and full of cobwebs, but she’s good with the kids.

A woman called her husband and said, “The carburettor is full of water.” “Where’s the car?” the man said. “In the river,” she replied.

I got into this taxi, and I said to the driver, “King Arthur’s Close.” And the driver said, “Don’t worry Tommy, I’ll shake him off at the first corner.”

I call my car flattery. It gets me nowhere.

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.

I hurt my arm. I went to the doctor to get it mended. Afterwards, I asked the doctor if, when it was mended, I could play the piano. He said, “Yes.” I said, “That’s funny; I couldn’t play it before.”

I said, “Waiter, what’s that in my soup?” He said, “I’d better call the boss, I can’t tell one insect from another.”

Just before the show, the producer took me to one side. And left me there. He said, “How do you feel tonight?” I said, “A bit funny.” He said, “Well, get out there before it wears off.”

A policeman stopped me the other night. He taps on the window of the car and says: “Would you please blow into this bag, sir.” I said: “What for, Officer?” He said, “My chips are too hot.”

Did you hear that joke about the fire-eater? She hiccupped and cremated herself.

I met this man at the airport, and I asked him if he`d like to share a taxi with me. He said he would. I said, “You take the engine, I’ll take the wheels!”

I went to the bank today. I said, “Could you check my balance?” They pushed me over.

A big white horse walks into a pub. The barman says, “We have a drink named after you.” The horse says, “What? Eric?”

A man goes into a pet shop. He says, “I’d like to buy a wasp, please.” The shopkeeper says, “Sorry, sir, but we don’t sell wasps.” The man says, “But you’ve got one in the window!”

I said to the gym instructor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

A man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says, “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

So, I was getting into my car, and this guy said to me, “Can you give me a lift?” I said, “Sure! You look great; the world’s your oyster; go for it.”

Last week, I went to a seafood disco and pulled a muscle.

I said to the waiter: “This chicken soup contains no chicken.” He said: “And there’s no horse in the horseradish either.”

My wife and I were married in a toilet. It was a marriage of convenience.

Two kids were arrested yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

It’s odd, isn’t it? You stand in the middle of a library and go, “Aaaaagghhhh!!” and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on a plane, and everyone joins in.

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says, “Does this taste funny to you?”

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75 brilliant comedy quotes to make you smile

09/27/2025 by Roy Sutton

Today I am exploring comedy quotes. By that, I mean humorous quotes from American comedy television and the movies.

I’m thinking about everything, including absurdity, sarcasm, awkward charm, sharp wit and anything perfect for keeping the laughter going.

I’ve selected 25 comedy quotes from my journal, so take a look and enjoy them all.

And, please, feel free to share them with your friends.

Brilliant Comedy Quotes

1. TV Comedy Shows

“Why does everything I love run away from me?”
— Liz Lemon (Tina Fey), 30 Rock
“I’m a snack. A Smart Snack. I’m like almonds.”
— Eleanor Shellstrop (Kristen Bell), The Good Place
“I’m not interested in caring about people.”
— April Ludgate (Aubrey Plaza), Parks and Recreation
“If I were a superhero, my power would be passive-aggression.”
— Chandler Bing (Matthew Perry), Friends
“If I don’t have some cake soon, I might die.”
— Stanley Hudson (Leslie David Baker), The Office (US)
“Sometimes I wish I were a l*sbian… did I say that out loud?”
— Ross Geller (David Schwimmer), Friends
“It’s never too early for ice cream.”
— Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler), Parks and Recreation
“I’m sorry I called you a gap-toothed b*tch. It’s not your fault you’re so gap-toothed.”
— Gretchen Wieners (Lacey Chabert), Mean Girls (also a film, but frequently quoted in sitcom-style banter)
“I am the human disaster.”
— Jessica Day (Zooey Deschanel), New Girl
“You could drown in that voice.”
— Karen Walker (Megan Mullally), Will & Grace
“That’s a lot of feelings to pack into one sentence, and I don’t like it.”
— Jake Peralta (Andy Samberg), Brooklyn Nine-Nine
“Cool cool cool cool cool. No doubt no doubt no doubt.”
— Abed Nadir (Danny Pudi), Community
“I live in a constant state of fear and misery.”
— Tina Belcher (Dan Mintz), Bob’s Burgers
“I once forgot my own birthday. I thought it was tomorrow.”
— Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler), Parks and Recreation
“It’s pronounced ‘Zee-ro’ not ‘Zero.’ I’m European now.”
— Moira Rose (Catherine O’Hara), Schitt’s Creek
“You know how I know you’re g*y? You like Coldplay.”
— Seth (Jonah Hill), Superbad (film, but often referenced in TV-style quips)
“I went outside once. The graphics were good, but the gameplay sucked.”
— Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory
“I’m gonna go lie down for twenty minutes and hope everything fixes itself.”
— Amy Santiago (Melissa Fumero), Brooklyn Nine-Nine
“I’m not lazy. I’m on energy-saving mode.”
— George Lopez (George Lopez), George Lopez Show
“I need a six-month vacation, twice a year.”
— Karen Walker (Megan Mullally), Will & Grace
“I love you, but I love me more.”
— Samantha Jones (Kim Cattrall), S*x and the City
“I’m not a morning person. Or a night person. Let’s just say I’m not a person.”
— Daria Morgendorffer (Tracy Grandstaff), Daria
“Every time I try to do something fun, you make it not that way.”
— Michael Scott (Steve Carell), The Office (US)
“I am an enigma, wrapped in a mystery, wrapped in a vest.”
— Schmidt (Max Greenfield), New Girl
“I’m a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man. But I want one. Preferably rich and emotionally unavailable.”
— Mindy Lahiri (Mindy Kaling), The Mindy Project

2. Comedy Movies:

“Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room!”
— President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove
“I have n*pples, Greg. Could you milk me?”
— Jack Byrnes (Robert De Niro), Meet the Parents
“I’m in a dress. I have gel in my hair. I haven’t slept all night. I’m starved, and I’m armed. Don’t mess with me.”
— Miss Congeniality (Sandra Bullock), Miss Congeniality
“I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.”
— Anna Scott (Julia Roberts), Notting Hill (used humorously in ironic contexts)
“Why is the rum always gone?”
— Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp), Pirates of the Caribbean
“This is like if that show ‘Cops’ was about cake.”
— Annie (Kristen Wiig), Bridesmaids
“I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books.”
— Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell), Anchorman
“There’s no crying in baseball!”
— Jimmy Dugan (Tom Hanks), A League of Their Own
“My hat blew off, Daddy!”
— Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller), Zoolander
“Is butter a carb?”
— Regina George (Rachel McAdams), Mean Girls
“I love lamp.”
— Brick Tamland (Steve Carell), Anchorman
“If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
— Noah Calhoun (Ryan Gosling), The Notebook (used ironically in many comedies)
“Put that cookie down! NOW!”
— Howard Langston (Arnold Schwarzenegger), Jingle All the Way
“Did I do that?”
— Steve Urkel (Jaleel White), Family Matters (TV show)
“I’m not bad. I’m just drawn that way.”
— Jessica Rabbit (Kathleen Turner), Who Framed Roger Rabbit
“He’s so hot right now.”
— Mugatu (Will Ferrell), Zoolander
“We came, we saw, we kicked its a*s!”
— Peter Venkman (Bill Murray), Ghostbusters
“Flair. You know, like buttons. Pieces of flair.”
— Joanna (Jennifer Aniston), Office Space
“She doesn’t even go here!”
— Damian (Daniel Franzese), Mean Girls
“I like smiling. Smiling’s my favorite.”
— Buddy (Will Ferrell), Elf
“I thought they smelled bad… on the outside!”
— Han Solo (Harrison Ford), Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back (quoted in comedic contexts)
“You’re tearing me apart, Lisa!”
— Johnny (Tommy Wiseau), The Room (infamous cult comedy gold)
“It’s not a man purse. It’s called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.”
— Alan (Zach Galifianakis), The Hangover
“You’re so wise. You’re like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair.”
— Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell), Anchorman
“I don’t know what we’re yelling about!”
— Brick Tamland (Steve Carell), Anchorman

3. Dry, Sarcastic, and Sassy Quotes (TV & Movies)

“I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to just tune myself out.”
— Kelly Kapoor (Mindy Kaling), The Office (US)
“You’re not the worst person in the world, but you better hope he doesn’t die.”
— Liz Lemon (Tina Fey), 30 Rock
“I wish I could, but I don’t want to.”
— Phoebe Buffay (Lisa Kudrow), Friends
“I’ll have what she’s having.”
— Woman in deli (Estelle Reiner), When Harry Met Sally
“You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.”
— Red Forman (Kurtwood Smith), That ’70s Show
“You couldn’t handle me even if I came with instructions.”
— Blanche Devereaux (Rue McClanahan), The Golden Girls
“I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.”
— Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch), Glee
“I’m not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.”
— Moira Rose (Catherine O’Hara), Schitt’s Creek
“You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
— Max Black (Kat Dennings), 2 Broke Girls
“You have something on your chin… no, the third one down.”
— Nicky (Natasha Lyonne), Orange Is the New Black
“Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?”
— Detective Marcus Burnett (Martin Lawrence), Bad Boys
“I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”
— Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory
“My give-a-damn’s busted.”
— Blanche Devereaux (Rue McClanahan), The Golden Girls
“Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.”
— Dorothy Zbornak (Bea Arthur), The Golden Girls
“I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.”
— Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler), Parks and Recreation
“I’m not saying I hate you, but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone.”
— Gina Linetti (Chelsea Peretti), Brooklyn Nine-Nine
“I don’t do hypotheticals. I’m either right or I’m wrong, and I’m never wrong.”
— Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman), Parks and Recreation
“I want you to know I’m really happy for you. And by happy I mean furious.”
— Jess Day (Zooey Deschanel), New Girl
“My hobbies include eating and complaining that I’m getting fat.”
— Mindy Lahiri (Mindy Kaling), The Mindy Project
“I’m not a control freak, but can I show you the right way to do that?”
— Monica Geller (Courteney Cox), Friends
“You’re so full of crap, your eyes are brown.”
— Sam Winchester (Jared Padalecki), Supernatural
“I’m not judging you, I’m just saying you’re wrong.”
— Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory
“You are the human equivalent of a participation trophy.”
— Gina Linetti (Chelsea Peretti), Brooklyn Nine-Nine
“You don’t deserve a good hair day.”
— Karen Walker (Megan Mullally), Will & Grace
“Oh, I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?” Blair Waldorf (Leighton Meester), Gossip Girl

So dear reader, was this post worth a few minutes of your time?

Were these comedy quotes amusing? Did they make you smile? If so, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

Please share this post now.

Thank you for your support.

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Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: Brilliant Comedy Quotes, Comedy, Comedy Quotes, fun, funny, humor, Laugh, Laughter, one line funny quotes, ONE-LINER JOKES, one-liners

33 amusing one-liners that might just make you smile

09/26/2025 by Roy Sutton

You might enjoy today’s post if you love witty and amusing one-liners.

There are 33 little gems here that should tickle you, at least a little.

Either that, or they might make you cringe.

Yes, it’s true, a few are corny. Nevertheless, I hope they give you a laugh.

So enjoy them all, and please feel free to pass them on.

Amusing One-liners (1-11):

As a skill, sign language is quite handy.
We have a chicken-proof lawn. It’s impeccable.
Try running behind a car and you’ll only get exhausted.
If I had a DeLorean, I’d only drive it from time to time.
Elvis, my pet mouse has died. He was caught in a trap.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Knowing how to pick locks has opened a lot of doors for me.
I’ve got a pen that writes underwater. It writes other words too.
If towels could tell jokes, would they have a dry sense of humor?
What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.
Live, love and laugh. If that doesn’t work then load, aim and fire.

Amusing One-liners (12-22):

Why was it so hot at the ballpark after the game? All the fans left.
I switched from eating venison to pheasant. It was a game-changer.
The perfect solution for keeping Brownies fresh? Eat them all in one sitting.
My wife would’ve looked for her missing watch but she couldn’t find the time.
The Invisible Man married an invisible woman. Their kids weren’t anything to look at either.
I explained to my carpenter that I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
When I was a kid, I thought Sunday School was where you learned to make ice cream.
I went into a pub and ate a Ploughman’s lunch. The ploughman really wasn’t happy about it.
Replace your chocolate bar with grapefruit as a snack and you can lose 90% of the joy of living.
I arranged for a Russian driver to take me to the airport. His name was Pikkup Andropov.
Police were called to the old folks’ home because an elderly lady was resisting a rest.

Amusing One-liners (23-33):

My friend is so dumb he got fired from the Dollar store because he couldn’t remember the prices.
A man was arrested after falling into a Combine Harvester whilst trying to steal it. He’s now been bailed.
The sweater I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.
My wife said suddenly, “You weren’t listening to me.” And I thought, “That’s a strange way to start a conversation.”
I don’t mind coming to work each day. It’s the eight-hour wait before I can go home that I’m not keen on.
A guy has been stealing shirts at the Shopping Mall in order of size. Apparently, he’s still at large.
My wife’s been telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. She says it’s all about raisin awareness.
There was a time when cosmetic surgery was a taboo subject. Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
I asked the librarian where I could find books on Paranoia. She leaned in towards me and whispered quietly, “They’re right behind you!”
A man walks into a hardware store and picks up a can fly spray. “Is this good for wasps,” he asks. “No, it kills them,” the cashier responded.
Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Whereas married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

So dear reader, was this post worth a few minutes of your time?

Were these one-liners amusing? Did they make you smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, just click on the links below.

Articles you might enjoy:

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British insults (1-20):

British insults (21-40):

British insults (41-60):

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Laugh out loud (8-17):

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Attitude quotes:

Bonus Attitude Quotes:

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2. Positive and Empowering Attitude Quotes:

3. Sassy and Fun Attitude Quotes:

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Sarcasm Quotes

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Tommy Cooper One-liners

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Brilliant Comedy Quotes

1. TV Comedy Shows

2. Comedy Movies:

3. Dry, Sarcastic, and Sassy Quotes (TV & Movies)

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Amusing One-liners (23-33):

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