How to call someone stupid in a smart way

If you’re wondering how to call someone stupid in a smart way, this article is just for you.

I thought it would be fun to curate some of the many euphemisms we use occasionally to indicate that someone of our acquaintance is not very bright.

So, here are 37 ways I can think of to suggest someone lacks brainpower.

Enjoy them all and feel free to pass them on.

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25 witty one-liner jokes that might just make you smile

In need of being cheered up a little, dear reader? Then perhaps some of these witty one-liner jokes will make you smile.

I’ve been trawling my journal for some of the best one-liners I’ve heard in recent months, and I’ve picked out some of the best just for you.

I cannot confirm the authors of individual quotes, but if you know, please let me know via the contact page. I’m very keen to add credits where possible.

In the meantime, relax and take a few moments to enjoy these witty one-liner jokes.

Witty one-liner jokes (1-10):

  1. Moses had the first tablet connected to the cloud.
  2. Can I speak a second language? Does profanity count?
  3. Of course, my conscience is clear. It’s never been used.
  4. Am I ignorant and apathetic? I don’t know and I don’t care.
  5. If your horses don’t smoke, then your stable must be on fire.
  6. What two words do sharks most like to hear? Man overboard!
  7. I have the heart of a lion. For which I got a lifetime ban from the zoo.
  8. Four of the most beautiful words in the English language. I told you so!
  9. If I had 50 cents for every math exam I’d failed, I’d have $9.35 by now.
  10. I heard a song on the radio about tortillas. Actually, it was more of a rap.

Witty one-liner jokes (11-20):

  1. Do I think whiteboards are a wonderful invention? Certainly, they’re remarkable.
  2. I’ve no idea why, but they say I’m condescending. That’s talking down to people.
  3. The one thing I can say about the good old days is that I was neither good nor old.
  4. Leave them wanting more is always great advice unless you work in disaster relief.
  5. What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth? An unfortunate swimmer.
  6. In need of a good laugh? Start an argument with someone when they have hiccups.
  7. If we should never eat late at night, then the obvious question is, “Why does the fridge have a light?”
  8. I was having short-term memory problems, so I went to see my doctor. He wanted payment in advance.
  9. I read in the newspaper that a semicolon broke the law. Two consecutive sentences, apparently.
  10. 250 pounds on Earth is the same as 95 pounds on Mercury. So I’m not fat; I’m living on the wrong planet.

Witty one-liner jokes (21-25):

  1. What do you get when you wake up on a workday, only to realize that you’re out of coffee? A depresso.
  2. When I woke up this morning, I couldn’t remember on which side the sun rises. Then it dawned on me.
  3. Now there’s a difference between a man who eats shoots and leaves and a man who eats, shoots, and leaves.
  4. If peeling onions causes you to shed a few tears, then don’t form an emotional bond with them in the first place.
  5. Should women be allowed to have children after 40? Well, it’s their choice, but 40 seems more than enough children to me.

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60 British insults for getting your message across

When it comes to insults, the British certainly can have a clever turn of phrase. Well, I think so, but then again, I am British, so perhaps I’m a little bit biased. Therefore, allow me to offer you 60 British insults to prove my point.

All of these clever comebacks made me smile, and I hope you’ll enjoy at least some of them too.

So take a few minutes to appreciate the British sense of humour, and please feel free to pass them on.

BRITISH INSULTS
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British insults (1-20):

  1. Get lost!
  2. You stink!
  3. You wazzock!
  4. A pox on you.
  5. Do one, tosser!
  6. You gormless git!
  7. You silly plonker!
  8. Shove it up your ass!
  9. You pointless prick!
  10. Just get out of my sight.
  11. You’re as daft as a brush.
  12. You sir are a waste of space.
  13. You’re an absolute doorknob.
  14. You’re as mad as a box of frogs.
  15. You’re a sandwich short of a picnic.
  16. Watch where you’re going, dipstick!
  17. You corrosive lump of faecal horror.
  18. You have a mouth like a torn pocket.
  19. Pigs in a sty smell better than you do.
  20. You’re a waste of the air you breathe.

British insults (21-40):

  1. You look ill. Should I call a vet for you?
  2. Wow, you’ve got a great face, for radio!
  3. Are you talking to me or chewing a brick?
  4. Nice hair. Does it grow all over your back?
  5. You’re wearing that shirt for a bet, surely?
  6. Do you have anything edible on the menu?
  7. Is it normal to foam at the mouth like that?
  8. You’ve got a face like a bag of smashed crabs.
  9. Boy, you’ve been whacked with the ugly stick!
  10. Is that rotting flesh or your armpits I can smell?
  11. You’ve got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.
  12. You add less value than the excrement on my shoe.
  13. Do that again and I’ll have your guts for garters.
  14. You don’t have to be a complete tosser all your life.
  15. You’re so obnoxious, how do you live with yourself?
  16. Where I come from we walk the family pet not eat it.
  17. I’m guessing they don’t sell deodorant where you live.
  18. Why don’t you go sit on the rough end of a pineapple?
  19. If you want to lose weight, try shaving your legs.
  20. I don’t hate you, but may your death be slow and painful.
British Insults

British insults (41-60):

  1. Perhaps it might just be a ‘You’ problem?
  2. Only a complete slimeball would think that’s acceptable.
  3. Yes, I’d love to meet your parents. When does the zoo open?
  4. Well, aren’t you a little bundle of something quite unpleasant?
  5. Yes, I’m drunk but tomorrow I’ll be sober and you’ll still be ugly.
  6. What’s the matter with you? You’ve got a face like a melted welly.
  7. Everyone has the right to be ugly but you’re abusing that privilege.
  8. If you really must smile it would be better if you visited a dentist first.
  9. Call me unworldly if you must, but do women normally have hair there?
  10. With a menu as bad as this I won’t have any problem sticking to my diet.
  11. I wouldn’t call you ugly but you’ve got a face like a blind cobbler’s thumb.
  12. I think you’re brave in showing your face in public, without a bag covering it.
  13. What’s wrong with you? You’re walking like your ass is chewing a toffee.
  14. If you want to lose weight quickly dear, you could try shaving your legs.
  15. I’d call you ugly but that doesn’t quite say what a truly unpleasant sight you are.
  16. I must have done something terrible in another life to deserve a minge bag like you.
  17. People say you’re a bit of a spanner but in my experience, you’re more the full toolkit.
  18. If you could just listen to yourself for a minute you’d realize your opinion is ridiculous.
  19. Could I borrow a hosepipe, please? You look like you’re in need of some colonic irrigation.
  20. I know I asked for a rare steak but a good vet could have this one back on its feet in an instant.
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25 amusing quotes about getting old to tickle you

25 AMUSING QUOTES ABOUT GETTING OLD TO TICKLE YOU

Today I’ve curated some amusing quotes about getting old.

There are worse things than getting old. Not getting old, just being one of them. Nevertheless, being old is a tough gig. Like an old car, everything starts to wear out, and it all seems to happen at once. That’s life, unfortunately, and we have to get used to it.

The trick is to remain stupid and cheerful, and that way you’ll experience less stress. You can try smart and angry if you prefer, but I think you’ll find it doesn’t help improve anything.

One great way to remain cheerful is to read something amusing each day.

Which is why, today, I am offering you 25 amusing quotes about getting old to make you smile. Indeed, they all made me smile.

If you’re old, I’m sure some of them will resonate with you. If you’re not old, then enjoy your youth while you can. The years will pass in the blink of an eye.

Whatever your age, remember, you’ll never be as young again as you are today. And you’ll never have today again, either. So, you might as well enjoy it.

AMUSING QUOTES ABOUT GETTING OLD
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Amusing quotes about getting old:

  1. Looking 50 is great if you’re 60. ~Joan Rivers
  2. Age is a high price to pay for maturity. ~Tom Stoppard
  3. No man is ever old enough to know better. ~Holbrook Jackson
  4. Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician. ~Author Unknown
  5. When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick. ~George Burns
  6. A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams. ~John Barrymore
  7. You’re only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. ~Ogden Nash
  8. Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative. ~Maurice Chevalier
  9. You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.” ~Jerry Seinfeld
  10. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. ~Author Unknown
  11. Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. ~George Burns
  12. A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘“At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” ~Claude Pepper
  13. You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. ~Bob Hope
  14. He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money upfront. ~George Burns
  15. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. ~Billy Crystal
  16. True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. ~Kurt Vonnegut
  17. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward. ~John Mortimer
  18. You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. ~Woody Allen
  19. As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. ~Sir Norman Wisdom
  20. I don’t do alcohol anymore. I can get the same effect just by standing up fast. ~Author Unknown
  21. None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm. ~Henry David Thoreau
  22. Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed, and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look, and pulled down the shade. ~Joan Rivers 
  23. Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. ~Larry Lorenzoni
  24. It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens. ~Woody Allen
  25. If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself. ~Author Unknown

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17 jokes that will make you laugh out loud

We all need more opportunities to laugh out loud, so I’ve gathered some more jokes by trawling the Internet just for you, dear reader.

I cannot be sure who wrote them originally, but I’d be happy to credit the authors if anyone can identify them.

In the meantime, here are today’s 17 jokes that will make you laugh out loud. Indeed, they made me smile.

Laugh out loud (1-7):

  • What do you call someone wearing a belt with a watch attached to it?
  • A waist of time.
  • Did you hear about the guy who broke both his left arm and left leg?
  • He’s all right now.
  • Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
  • Because he had a great fall.
  • How can you get four suits for a dollar?
  • Buy a deck of cards.
  • Why didn’t the melons get married?
  • Because they cantaloupe.
  • What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
  • Anyone can roast beef but nobody can pee soup!
  • What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
  • Snowballs.
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Laugh out loud (8-17):

  • What did the bartender say to the drunk who walked into the bar with jumper cables around his neck?
  • You can stay but don’t try to start anything.
  • What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
  • One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
  • Thieves stole a truck full of Viagra today.
  • The police are on the lookout for two hardened criminals.
  • I always sleep better naked.
  • Why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
  • A police officer asked me where I was between 5 and 6.
  • He seemed irritated when I said kindergarten.
  • What do you call a caveman with wind?
  • A blast from the past.
  • The waitress asked, “You wanna box for those leftovers?”
  • I said, “No, but I’ll arm wrestle you for them.” 
  • Thousands of eggs have been stolen from a local farm.
  • Police believe poachers are to blame.
  • I’ve taken up a new sport. It’s called silent tennis.
  • It is just like regular tennis, but without the racket.
  • I’m writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
  • It’s an oughtobiography.

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39 attitude quotes that take sarcasm to another level

If you like attitude quotes, clever put-downs, and sarcasm, then you should enjoy this collection today.

39 sarcastic remarks to add to your quiver full of arrows. These are ammunition for use on another day when someone tries to have a go at you and needs reminding that you’re a person with whom they should not mess if they know what’s good for them.

Hopefully, one or two of these might just give you a good laugh too. Enjoy them all.

Attitude quotes:

  1. I get it. Life’s a soup, and I’m a fork.
  2. If your phone doesn’t ring, it’ll be me.
  3. If I were a bird, I know who I’d shit on.
  4. Just be yourself isn’t always good advice.
  5. What doesn’t kill you can only disappoint me.
  6. The trash gets picked up tomorrow. Be ready.
  7. You look like something I drew with my left hand.
  8. If you’re the voice of reason, then we’re in trouble.
  9. If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
  10. Hey, I found your nose again. It was in my business.
  11. If only you ran like your mouth. You’d be in great shape.
  12. You’re such a treasure, why hasn’t someone buried you?
  13. You know, you have one really annoying habit. Breathing.
  14. If I was meant to be controlled, I’d have come with a remote.
  15. I have plenty of terrible ideas. Just let me know if you need any.
  16. I wasn’t being rude. I just said what everyone else was thinking.
  17. May your earholes turn into assholes and shit on your shoulders.
  18. Oh, darling, you should really go out and buy yourself a personality.
  19. I try to see the best in everyone but you’re making it really difficult.
  20. You think you know it all but clearly, you don’t know when to shut up.
  21. I’m really sorry if my sense of humour offended your total lack of one.
  22. WIFE to HUSBAND: Sure, I make terrible choices. One of them was you.
  23. I encouraged my wife to embrace her mistakes. She gave me a big hug.
  24. I’m not one for revenge but I might arrange for you to have an accident.
  25. Putting on your makeup every day must be hard, with you having two faces.
  26. They call it a selfie because narcissist is too hard for most people to spell.
  27. I can’t help but wonder why someone hasn’t hit you in the face with a shovel yet.
  28. When you spun the wheel of attitude this morning, clearly it landed on bitch again.
  29. I’d love to help you, but I don’t even play an active role in my own life anymore.
  30. Roses are red; violets are blue; I’ve got five fingers; the middle one’s for you.
  31. Do I think you’re pretentious? You’d eat worms in a deli if they came with a French name.
  32. There’s someone for everyone, and the person for you would have to be a psychiatrist.
  33. Apart from being physically exhausted, financially challenged, overweight, and mentally unstable, everything’s going really well. Thanks.
  34. It’s not for me to question your father’s sperm count, but, seriously, were you actually the sperm that won?
  35. If I’m smiling, I’m contemplating doing something really bad. If I’m laughing, I’ve already done it.
  36. I don’t have an attitude problem. You may have a problem with my attitude, but that’s not a problem for me.
  37. There are trees out there tirelessly producing oxygen, so you can breathe. I think you owe them an apology.
  38. When I was a child, my father told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. It seems, nowadays they call that identity theft.
  39. Let me stop you right there. If it involves early mornings, sweating, or dealing with people, then the answer’s No!
  • I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
  • Confidence is not ‘they will like me.’ Confidence is ‘I’ll be fine if they don’t.’
  • My style is what I like, not what others expect.
  • I’m not special; I’m just limited edition.
  • Be savage, not average.
  • Your attitude determines your direction.
  • Stay humble, but let them know.
  • A great attitude becomes a great day, which becomes a great year, which becomes a great life.
  • Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself, and the right people will love you.
  • Turn your can’ts into cans and your dreams into plans.
  • I’m not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.
  • Too glam to give a damn.
  • I’m not a backup plan, and definitely not a second choice.
  • I’m not perfect, but I’m always myself.
  • Silence is the best response when you’re dealing with nonsense.
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If any of these attitude quotes made you smile, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

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Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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32 witty, one-liner jokes about getting old to make you smile

Looking for some jokes about getting old, dear reader? Well, today I can offer you 32 of them.

Whether you’re young or old, I’m sure you’ll be able to relate to a few of them.

I hope you enjoy them all and I hope they make you smile. Certainly, they all made me smile.

And remember this; we all get older, but getting old is a state of mind much more than anything else. You don’t have to let the old man or woman in.

Anyway, take a few moments to read them all and then pass them on.

Jokes about getting old:

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If so. then please click on the links below. I’m confident that you’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

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31 sarcasm quotes that are the sharpest form of wit

Today I’m sharing some excellent sarcasm quotes.

They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but I’m not so sure.

I admire a clever put-down or a few sharp words intended to put someone squarely in their place.

In today’s post, I offer you 31 sarcasm quotes that are sharp and funny, and they made me smile. So I hope they provide you with some ammunition next time you need it.

These are some of the sharpest sarcasm quotes I’ve seen recently, so enjoy them all and make a mental note of the best ones for future use: 

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Sarcasm Quotes


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25 Quotes from the Barney Miller Television Sitcom

Quotes from Barney Miller

In the golden age of 1970s television sitcoms, Barney Miller stood out—not for flashy action or laugh-track hijinks, but for its sharp wit, warm humanity, and a dingy squad room that became home to some of TV’s most memorable characters.

Set almost entirely within the walls of a New York City police precinct, the series balanced dry humour with a surprising dose of realism, giving audiences something rare: a sitcom that was funny, thoughtful, and deeply human.

At its centre was Captain Barney Miller (Hal Linden), the calm, steady leader who anchored his detectives through bizarre cases and everyday absurdities.

Surrounding him was a wonderfully mismatched crew: the perpetually grumbling Detective Fish, who sighed, “If it’s not one thing, it’s another. Usually, it’s another.”; streetwise Yemana, forever making dreadful coffee and shrugging, “It’s not the taste, it’s the experience.”; the stylish, ambitious Harris, who insisted, “I’m not just a cop—I’m a cop with style.”; and the earnest, well-meaning Detective Wojciehowicz (“Wojo”), whose innocence often collided with the gritty realities of the job, leading to both laughs and moments of surprising poignancy.

What made Barney Miller special was its ability to turn small, often ridiculous situations into big laughs while never losing sight of the humanity beneath the humour.

Long before the era of The Office or Brooklyn Nine-Nine, it pioneered workplace comedy as a space where character quirks and relationships took precedence over plot.

For viewers today, it remains more than just a sitcom—it’s a reminder that even in the most chaotic precinct, empathy, wit, and a little patience can keep the whole place together.

Barney Miller is one of my all-time favourite sitcoms, and if you’ve never seen it, I recommend checking it out on YouTube.

Here are some quotes from the series to give you a flavour for what it was all about.

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  1. “Apparently someone did.”
    Captain Barney Miller (Hal Linden) — dryly summing up how Chano killed both hostage?takers after Fish describes the crime
  2. “That’s some dirty guy.”
    Detective Sgt. Chano Amenguale (Max Julien) — after describing obscene phone calls to Yemana 
  3. “Divorce is like a horse with a broken leg. You can shoot the horse, but that don’t fix the leg.”
    Yemana (Gregory Sierra) — weirdly practical analogy about divorce
  4. “You get to be 200 years old, I guess you get a little cranky.”
    Captain Barney Miller — commenting on Fish’s grumpiness during bicentennial rioting 
  5. “I think you better tell them. They may come up with somebody.”
    Captain Barney Miller — when Wojo describes a horse mistaken for a missing animal 
  6. “Liz, you heard the radio: shootings, bombings. It’s my busy season.”
    Captain Barney Miller — in response to Liz’s desire for a day trip 
  7. “Hello? Hello? Hello, Bomb Disposal?”
    Captain Barney Miller — growling into a shared phone line before recognizing it’s Wojo
  8. “I think of you as experienced. In an emergency, you’d be the first one I’d call.”
    Captain Barney Miller — praising Fish dryly, after Fish quips he needs time to put in false teeth
  9. “Sounds like menopause. I caught it from Bernice.”
    Captain Barney Miller — when Fish describes body changes in mid?life
  10. “You’re not supposed to hide. You’re supposed to try and make it better.”
    Captain Barney Miller — encouraging Mr. Webber amid despair over city troubles
  11. “Two armed men… it’d have gone on all day if someone didn’t get inside.”
    Fish (Abe Vigoda) / Barney Miller — after recounting a failed hostage situation 
  12. “No.”
    Captain Barney Miller — in response to Elizabeth asking if they can afford a Paris holiday, then taking her to lunch
  13. “Arrest the first nak*d guy you see with a dirty mouth.”
    Captain Barney Miller — blunt directive during a bizarre situation
  14. “That’s okay. I don’t want to hear it.”
    Captain Barney Miller — after Wojo apologizes for being late
  15. “Is that some dirty joke you’re telling me, Dietrich?”
    Captain Barney Miller — reacting to Dietrich explaining his involvement in the “New Celibacy Movement”
  16. “I wish we had a psychiatrist in town; I bet Barney would be a real study.”
    Andy (Gary Burghoff) — dryly about Barney’s behaviour
  17. “There ain’t no gold. And don’t be hanging around when that truck comes through.”
    Barney Fife (Don Knotts) — in classic small?town style from his namesake series quoted on the site 
  18. “Man gets his best suit spotted and pressed… and for what? Heartaches!”
    Barney Fife — scornful reflection on grooming versus heartbreak
  19. “We defy the Mafia!!!”
    Barney Fife — bold declaration of local bravado 
  20. “Like they always say… the quality of mercy is not strained… well, you’re not talking to a jerk, you know!”
    Barney Fife — mock-quoting Shakespeare to insult someone 
  21. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to work with someone who thinks he knows everything?”
    Barney Fife — exasperated hardware-suitment from Mayberry 
  22. “And get that g*n out of your mouth!”
    Andy — direct, terse reaction in a tense moment 
  23. “Pa, just what can you do with a grown woman?”
    Opie — blunt kid?logic in classic catch?phrase style 
  24. “We thought about killing him, kind of hated to go that far.”
    Briscoe Darlin — grimly comedic assessment of frustration 
  25. “Fly a quail through here and every one of ’em would point.”
    Barney Fife — absurd observational comedy at a party 

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Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

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Tommy Cooper One-liners: 35 that’ll make you smile

If you enjoy Tommy Cooper one-liners, I’ve curated 35 for you to enjoy today.

For readers unfamiliar with him, Tommy Cooper was a legendary British entertainer hugely popular on television in Britain in the 1960s and 1970s.

Thomas Frederick Cooper was a Welsh prop comedian and magician. As an entertainer, his appearance was large and lumbering at 6 feet 4 inches (1.93 m), and he habitually wore a trademark red fez hat when performing.

As a magician, his tricks would often take an unexpected turn for comedic effect. That said, he was a skilled conjurer and a member of the Magic Circle.

Sadly, Tommy Cooper is no longer with us but his humour lives on and there are plenty of old videos on YouTube showing him performing in his heyday. They are well worth checking out if you have the time.

In the meantime, here are some samples of his unique humour.

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Tommy Cooper One-liners

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So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

Did you enjoy Tommy Cooper’s brand of humour?

If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Thank you.

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