Funny Jokes

3 Really funny jokes to tell your friends today

01/17/2025 by

If you want people to like you, then always have a funny joke to make them laugh. Here are some very funny jokes to tell your friends today.

They all made me laugh, and I hope they’ll make you and your friends laugh too.

Enjoy them all.

MAKE MONEY MANIA

Funny jokes to tell your friends:

1. The infected thumb:

Bill’s away from home on a business trip and, as he’s on expenses, he decides he’ll have a nice three-course meal in a restaurant.

He takes his seat at the table, exchanges a little conversation with the waitress, places his order and then relaxes with a glass of red wine waiting for his food to arrive.

It’s not long before the waitress brings him a nice, warm bowl of clam chowder with crackers. However, he can’t help but notice that her thumb is sticking in the chowder. He’s not happy but he lets it go.

A little later, the waitress arrives with a plate filled with delicious Spaghetti Carbonara but once again, her thumb is immersed in the spaghetti. Again, Bill’s not happy but he lets it go.

Then as he’s looking forward to his dessert, the waitress returns with some hot apple pie, but once again her thumb is sticking in Bill’s food.

“Mam”, says Bill angrily, “every time you bring my food your thumb’s sticking in it. Why is that?”

“Oh I am so sorry sir”, the waitress responds, “but my thumb has an infection and my doctor says I must keep it warm and moist at all times.”

Disgusted by what he’s hearing, Bill snaps angrily, “Well, why don’t you just stick it up your ass?”

Sheepishly the waitress replies, “Where do you think I’ve been putting it when I’m in the kitchen?”

MAKE MONEY MANIA

2. The fishing trip:

Four married men are going on a weekend fishing trip.

They’re exchanging banter in the car on the way to the lake when Jim says, “Guys, you’ve no idea what I had to do to persuade my wife to agree to me joining you on this trip. I’ve had to promise to redecorate the living room and our bedroom next weekend.”

“That’s nothing”, says Mike. “I had to promise my wife that I would build a new deck around the pool area next weekend.”

“You both had it easy”, says Ed. “I had to promise my wife that I’d buy her a new kitchen, as well as pay for her to go fashion shopping in Milan, Italy with her friends next summer.”

They carry on down the highway laughing and joking, but then they realize their friend Vic has yet to say anything.

“Hey Vic”, says Jim, “what did you have to do to get the green light to come with us on this fishing weekend?”

“Not much really”, says Vic, “I just set the alarm for 5.30 am. When it went off, I tapped my wife on the shoulder and said, ‘will you make love with me or should I go fishing?’ to which she responded, ‘take a warm sweater with you, dear.’”

3. The well and the goat:

Two friends, Bert and Mack were out walking one day when they came across an old abandoned well.

Naturally, they were curious as to how deep this well might be, so they dropped a stone down it and listened for the sound of the stone hitting the bottom. But they didn’t hear anything.

So they found a much larger rock and then dropped that down the well but still, they didn’t hear anything.

Clearly, this was a very deep well and they needed something much, much bigger if they were going to hear anything at all.

So Bert and Mack searched around for a while and eventually they found a section of railroad track leaning up against a wall.

“This’ll be perfect”, said Bert.

So between them, they lifted this heavy piece of cast iron and with great effort managed to carry back to the well and drop it down the hole.

As they stood back to listen, a goat suddenly flashed past their eyes and went straight down the well too.

Bert and Mack were still recovering from the shock resulting from what they’d just seen when a farmer appeared.

“Have you boys seen a goat?” asked the farmer.

“Yes”, said Mack, “a goat has just jumped down this well.”

“No, that couldn’t have been my goat”, said the farmer. “Mine was tethered to a heavy length of railroad track.”

MAKE MONEY MANIA

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So dear reader, were these funny jokes to tell your friends as amusing as you’d hoped? Were they worth a few minutes of your time?

I hope so. If they did make you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Thank you for your support.

Articles you might enjoy:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2025. All rights reserved.

 

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Silly Christmas Cracker Jokes: 30 that are so bad they’re funny

12/24/2024 by

Dear reader, do you enjoy Christmas cracker jokes?

Those corny jokes and puns you look for, having pulled your Christmas cracker?

Well, I cannot lie; I love them.

So, I have collected 30 of the best ones, which I hope you will find amusing.

Whether Christmas is an occasion you will be celebrating or not, I do hope one or two of these silly jokes will make you smile.

Enjoy them all.

And please feel free to share them.

Christmas cracker jokes (1-15):

  1. What is white and minty? A polo bear!
  2. When is a boat just like snow? When it’s adrift.
  3. What goes Ho, Ho, Ho, thump? Santa laughing his head off.
  4. How do snowmen get around? They ride an icicle!
  5. What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? Rude-olph!
  6. What did Santa say to his wife? It’s going to reindeer!
  7. Why did Santa go to the doctor? Because of his bad elf.
  8. What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsilitis!
  9. What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school? The elf-abet!
  10. What does Miley Cyrus prefer for Christmas dinner? Twerky!
  11. What do you call Santa’s little helpers? Subordinate Clauses!
  12. What is Santa’s favourite place to deliver presents? Idaho-ho-ho!
  13. What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective? Santa Clues!
  14. What did Adam say the day before Christmas? “It’s Christmas, Eve!”
  15. What did Santa do when he went speed dating? He pulled a cracker!

Christmas cracker jokes (16-30):

  1. Why did Santa’s little helper lack confidence? Because he had low elf esteem!
  2. What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus!
  3. What do you call Santa when he forgets to wear his underpants? Saint Knickerless!
  4. Why did the turkey cross the road? Because it was the chicken’s day off!
  5. What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claus-trophobia!
  6. What did Santa say to the smoker? Please don’t smoke, it’s bad for my elf!
  7. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!
  8. Why was the snowman rummaging in a bag of carrots? He was picking his nose.
  9. Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? Because they were two deer!
  10. Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas Party? Because he had nobody to go with!
  11. What do you get when you cross a pine cone and a polar bear? A fur tree!
  12. What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
  13. How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus’ weight when he was born? They had a weigh-in a manger!
  14. What did Mrs Claus say to Santa Claus when she looked up at the sky on the night of Christmas Eve? Looks like rain, dear!
  15. Why did Santa say that sprouts shouldn’t be our vegetable of choice on Christmas Day? All he was sayin’ was give peas a chance!

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So, dear reader, was this post worth a little piece of your time? Did you enjoy reading it? Did any of the Christmas cracker jokes make you smile?

If you enjoyed this article, then please share it with your friends on social media.

People do enjoy groaning at Christmas cracker jokes, so go on, please share this post now.

If you could share this post, then I’d be forever grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

And before I go, allow me to offer my best wishes to everyone who will be celebrating Christmas. I hope your Christmas is filled with the love of family and friends.

And to those for whom December 25th will be just another working day, I hope wherever you are, your life is peaceful, safe, and prosperous, and I hope 2025 proves to be all you’d like it to be.

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© Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

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21 silly jokes guaranteed to make you laugh

12/22/2024 by

If jokes that are just slightly silly appeal to you, then here are 21 silly jokes guaranteed to make you laugh.

These are the sort of jokes you’d find in Christmas crackers. Corny, but you can’t help laughing at them. Well, groaning anyway.

Certainly, they all made me smile, and I hope you enjoy them too, dear reader.

Take a few moments to enjoy them, and then please feel free to pass them on.

Silly Jokes:

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

What kind of car does Mickey Mouse’s wife drive? A Minnie van.

What do you get when you cross a dog with an antenna? A Golden Receiver.

Where should a 600-pound gorilla go? On a diet

What has one head, one foot, and four legs? A bed.

What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me, and we’ll go places!

What would happen if you threw yellow sneakers into the Red Sea? They’d get wet.

Why did the photograph go to jail? Because it was framed.

What would Bears become without Bees? Ears.

Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!

Where do cucumbers go on a date night? The salad bar.

Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer? She kept running away from the ball.

Why was the chicken arrested? Fowl play.

Why can’t pigs keep secrets? They keep squealing.

How do trees get on the internet? They log in.

What did one toilet say to the other? You look a bit flushed.

Why did the frog take the bus to work today? His car got toad away.

If the early bird gets the worms, what does the worm get? Eaten.

Why couldn’t the pirates learn the alphabet? They kept getting stuck at C.

Why did the math book look sad? It had too many problems.

Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.

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So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these silly jokes made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Thank you for your support.

Other articles you’ll enjoy:

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3 humorous stories that’ll brighten your day a little

11/01/2024 by

HUMOROUS STORIESIf you’re looking for some funny jokes in the form of humorous stories then I’ve got three great ones for you today, dear reader.

I’m confident you’ll enjoy them all.

So grab a coffee, relax and take an unofficial break from the pressures of the day to enjoy them all.

And please feel free to pass them on.

Humorous Stories:

1. Fly Southwest:

Little Johnny was looking out of the plane’s window enjoying the experience of his first flight.

Deep in thought he suddenly turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?“

Well his mother was a little perturbed by this question and she struggled to think of an answer, so she said, “Johnny why don’t you ask the flight attendant?”

Little Johnny was not a child lacking in confidence, so he walked down the aisle and politely said to the flight attendant, “Excuse me, mam, if big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?“

The flight attendant had heard it all before of course but she smiled sweetly at Johnny and then asked, “Did your mom tell you to ask me that?“

Little Johnny returned her smile and said, “Yes mam, she did.”

“Well“, said the flight attendant, “you can tell your mom that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mom to explain that to you.“

2. Voluntary donations:

Jim was driving home from the office one day when he found himself stuck in traffic because all the cars ahead of him had come to a complete standstill on the freeway. Nothing was moving at all.

Suddenly Jim noticed that there was a police officer walking down the line of traffic and approaching the car in front.

So Jim got out of his car and asked the police officer why there was a problem.

“Sir I’m so sorry for the inconvenience but the city’s Mayor is sitting in the middle of the road ahead and he’s in a state of extreme agitation,” said the police officer.

“He says he’s deep in debt and he’s threatening to douse his body with gasoline and then set fire to himself,” the police officer added.

“So what are you doing?” asked Jim.

“I’m going from car to car asking for donations,” the police officer responded.

“And how much have you collected so far?” Jim inquired.

“Well sir,” said the police officer, “we’ve only just started but drivers ahead have given us fifteen gallons so far and other drivers are still siphoning as we speak.”

3. Bubba’s tragic demise:

Sadly, Bubba was killed in suspicious circumstances in a terrible fire, suffering severe burns that left him completely unrecognizable.

In order to identify the body formally, the Los Angeles County medical examiner called in Bubba’s two close friends Jim-Bob and Joe-Bob.

The medical examiner showed Jim-Bob the body and he responded with a sharp intake of breath and then said, “Oh jeez, he’s burnt to a crisp. Could you roll him over please sir?”

So the medical examiner rolled the body and Jim-Bob responded immediately saying, “No sir, that ain’t Bubba.”

“Are you sure?” said the medical examiner.

“Yes sir, I’m sure,” Jim-Bob responded, “but you can ask Joe-Bob if you like.”

So Joe-Bob was brought into the mortuary and shown the body.

“Jeez,” said Joe-Bob, “he’s burnt to a crisp. Could you roll him over please sir?”

Though puzzled to receive this request once again, the medical examiner dutifully obliged and rolled the body.

Joe-Bob paused momentarily and then said, “No sir, that ain’t Bubba.”

The medical examiner was mystified by this turn of events. So he asked, “How can you possibly tell that it isn’t Bubba just by rolling him over?”

“Well sir,” said Joe-Bob, “Bubba had two assholes.”

“What do you mean, he had two assholes?” exclaimed the medical examiner.

“Yes sir, everyone knew that around here,” said Joe-Bob.

“How do you know?” the medical examiner asked.

To which Joe-Bob responded, “Because every time the three of us walked down Main Street together, you’d hear people say, ‘Here comes Bubba with two assholes’.”

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So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these humorous stories made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Articles you might enjoy:

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10 silly jokes that’ll definitely make you laugh

10/29/2024 by

SILLY JOKESLooking for some silly jokes to make you laugh, dear reader? Then I’ve got 10 good ones for you today and they’re guaranteed to make you laugh.

There’s nothing smutty here, just genuinely good fun.

So sit back and take a few moments to enjoy a good laugh.

Silly jokes:

  • What do you call zombies in the belfry?
  • Dead ringers
  • What’s it called when you borrow money to buy a bison?
  • A buffaloan
  • What do you call a rotten hot dog?
  • A rankfurter
  • What do you call a hippy’s wife?
  • Mississippi
  • What do you call a ghost who only haunts the town hall?
  • The nightmayor
  • What do you call a dance for people who hate each other?
  • An avoidance
  • What do you call an American sketch drawing?
  • A Yankee doodle
  • What do you call a goat that’s a professional comedian?
  • Billy the Kid
  • What do you call an ancient Egyptian ruler with no teeth?
  • A gummy mummy
  • What do you call a blonde police officer?
  • A fair cop

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So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these silly jokes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, and share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Thank you for your support.

Articles you might enjoy:

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3 funny stories that’ll make you laugh

10/28/2024 by

FUNNY STORIESSearching for some funny stories, dear reader? Well, if you enjoy jokes in the form of amusing stories then I have three little gems for you today.

So, grab a coffee and take a few moments to relax and enjoy them all.

And please feel free to share them.

Funny Stories:

1. The boasting Texan:

Gus was a proud Texan who’d never been outside the United States before. So he decided he’d take a vacation in Canada.

On arriving at Toronto Pearson international airport he took a cab to his downtown hotel.

During the ride into the city they passed Queen’s Park and Gus was a little curious to learn something about the place.

So he said to the cab driver, “Hey buddy, what’s that?”

“Well”, said the cab driver with a sense of pride, “that park is the site of the Ontario Legislative Building which houses the Legislative Assembly of Ontario. It’s like your State government. Believe it or not, those buildings are over 100 years old and they’re big don’t you think?”

Gus was unimpressed. “That’s nothing”, he said. “Back in Texas, we have older buildings that are twice as big.”

Then they drove passed the skyscraper known as First Canadian Place.

“And what’s that?” asked Gus.

“Oh, that’s Canada’s tallest skyscraper”, said the cab driver. “Believe it or not that’s 978 feet high and it took four years to build.”

“Only 978 feet, that’s not very tall,” Gus responded. “Back home we have much taller buildings and they were all built in half the time. In the United States that building wouldn’t even make the list of Top 10 tallest buildings.”

Naturally, at this point, the cab driver was starting to feel a little irritated by Gus’s boasting.

Soon they were driving past the CN Tower.

Gus stared at it momentarily and then asked the cab driver, “And what’s that buddy?”

The cab driver looked at the structure and then smiled, “Oh, that’s just a Canadian pepper grinder.”

2. The wrong priorities:

Jeff was a very successful, young lawyer who was involved in a terrible car crash on the freeway.

The whole of the driver’s side of Jeff’s Maserati had been ripped clean off, along with his left arm.

He was staggering out of the wreckage when a motorcycle police officer arrived at the scene.

Jeff was clearly in a state of shock, mumbling, “Oh my God! My car! Look at my car!”

Seeing how badly Jeff was injured, the police officer said, “Sir, please try to stay calm. We need to be more concerned about your personal injuries, rather than any damage to your car.”

Jeff slowly looked down to where his left arm has once been and then suddenly he screamed, “Oh my God! My Rolex has gone! Where’s my Rolex?”

3. The Psychiatric Hospital:

Jim and Rita were long-term patients in a psychiatric hospital.

One day they were walking past the hospital’s therapeutic swimming pool when, suddenly, Jim threw himself into the deep end.

Knowing Jim couldn’t swim at all, Rita dived straight in after him and dragged him to the safety of the poolside.

As luck would have it the head psychiatrist saw exactly what happened and recognized just how brave Rita had been in the circumstances.

In recognition of her bravery, it was decided that she was ready to be discharged from the hospital, as her actions suggested that she was now mentally sound.

So the head psychiatrist called her into his office to tell Rita about the review panel’s decision.

“Rita”, said the head psychiatrist, “I have some good news for you. Unfortunately, I also have some bad news for you too.”

“What’s the good news?” asked Rita.

“Well, in recognition of your bravery in saving the life of another patient”, said the head psychiatrist, “We think you’ve shown you’ve regained a sound mind, so it’s been decided that you’re ready to be discharged.”

“That’s good”, said Rita. “But what’s the bad news?”

“Well, Jim subsequently hanged himself with the belt of his robe in the washroom. Unfortunately, he’s dead”, the head psychiatrist responded.

“No, doctor,” said Rita, “he didn’t hang himself. I put him there to dry.”

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Perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

If you enjoyed this post then please share it with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

Thank you for your support.

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8 short jokes guaranteed to make you laugh

10/23/2024 by

Looking for some short jokes, dear reader? Well, I’ve got eight funny ones here for you today. I guarantee they’ll make you laugh.

So, grab a cup of coffee and take a few moments to relax and enjoy them all.

And please, feel free to pass them on.

Short Jokes:

1. The Brown Bear:

Two friends, Bill and George were out hiking in the Katmai National Park in Alaska when suddenly they saw a brown bear ambling along in their direction.

Bill immediately takes out a pair of running shoes from his backpack and then sits down to replace his heavy hiking books with his Nikes.

George is puzzled by Bill’s actions, so naturally, he asks, “Bill why are you putting on your running shoes right now?”

“George, you don’t seriously think I’m going to hang around until we’re spotted by that bear, do you?” Bill responds.

“Bill, don’t be ridiculous,” said George, “you’ll never outrun a brown bear.”

“I don’t have to outrun the bear,” Bill responded “I only have to outrun you!”

With that Bill disappeared into the distance shouting back as he went, “Good luck with that bear George.”

Moral of the Story: When it’s you or the other guy, make sure it’s not you.

2. The Efficiency Expert:

I took my wife to a fancy restaurant in Manhattan called The Lemon Tree.

As the waiter was taking our order I noticed he had a spoon in his shirt pocket. This seemed a little strange but initially, I ignored it.

However, when the busboy brought our water and utensils, I couldn’t help noticing that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

And then as I gazed around the restaurant I could see that all the staff had spoons in their shirt pockets.

So when the waiter came back to serve the soup naturally I enquired, “Why is every member of staff here carrying a spoon?”

“Well,” said the waiter, “the restaurant’s owner hired consultants from McKinsey to improve our processes. After several weeks of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. They calculated that there was a drop frequency of approximately three spoons per table per hour.”

“Are you serious?” I felt compelled to ask.

“Yes sir!” said the waiter. “They concluded that if our people are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it at this point I managed to drop my spoon and he replaced it with the spare from his pocket immediately.

He then explained, “I’ll simply get another spoon when I next go to the kitchen, rather than making a special trip there right now.”

Such efficiency was impressive.

I then noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.

Looking around, I could see that all of the other waiters had the same string hanging from their flies too.

Puzzled by this I asked the waiter, “Why do you all have a string hanging from the fly in your trousers?”

“Oh!” he said, lowering his voice, “The McKinsey consultants concluded that this will help us save time when we have to visit the restroom during a shift.”

“How so?” I inquired.

“Well,” he said, “by tying this string to the tip of our ‘you-know-what’, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands. This shortens the time spent in the restroom by 39% they think.”

“Wow!” I said. “But how do you put it back in your trousers once you’ve finished?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”

3. Goodtime Girl:

I met a girl in a bar who said she worked in a fairground.

She asked me if I would like to go to her place and have a good time.

She wasn’t kidding. I went on the Dodgems, the Big Dipper, the Waltzer and the Ghost Train, all for free. I even came home with a goldfish and some Cotton Candy.

4. Car Park Incident:

I left my car in a multi-storey car park the other day, and when I returned, the back of the car had a huge dent in it.

I found a note under the windshield wiper, and it said, “Sorry but I accidentally reversed into your car. There were witnesses, so I left this note so they’d think I was leaving my contact details. Well, I’m not. And in case you’re wondering, the CCTV is broken too, so it’s not your lucky day.”

5. Farming Logic:

A guy is driving along a country road when he sees a farmer standing in the middle of a large field. The farmer is doing absolutely nothing except standing and gazing into the distance.

The guy stops and asks the farmer if he’s OK.

“Yes,” said the farmer, “I’m fine.”

“That’s good,” says the guy. “I was a little worried, as you’re just standing and staring at nothing in particular.”

“That’s because I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize,” the farmer responds.

“A Nobel Prize?” says the guy, somewhat surprised. “How will you win a Nobel Prize?”

“Well,” says the farmer, “I’m told that to win a Nobel Prize, you just need to be out standing in your field.”

6. The Counterfeiters:

A couple of small-time counterfeiters, Jack and Earl had managed to get hold of a small stock of the actual paper used for printing American currency. This was a genuine stroke of luck and they intended to make the most of it. So they set about printing some twenty-dollar bills.

However, they’d been drinking heavily beforehand and their attention to the job wasn’t all that it should have been. Nevertheless, they printed off their counterfeit currency and then staggered off to bed.

The following morning when they’d sobered up they looked at their previous night’s work and suddenly realized they’d printed $18 dollar bills by mistake.

“Oh, no!” said Jack. “We’ve used all the paper, so we can’t print them off again, can we?”

“No problem,” said Earl. “All we need to do is find some little hick town in the hills somewhere and go into a store and ask some inbred to change them for lower denomination notes.”

“Do you think that will work?” said Jack.

“Sure!” said Earl “And I know just the place.”

So Jack and Earl got in their car with all the counterfeit currency and headed for a little hick town in NowheresVille.

Eventually, they came to a tiny little town deep in the hills with just one store. So they stopped and entered the store.

Jack handed one of the counterfeit $18 bills to the guy behind the counter and politely asked, “Hey buddy, would you mind changing this for some lower denomination notes, please? If you could, that would be appreciated.“

The clerk looked at the $18 bill, smiled and said, “Sure, no problem. What’s your preference, two nines or three sixes?“

7. The Thoughtful Husband:

Sometime after Stephen had died his widow, Alice was finally able to speak about what a wonderful and thoughtful man her late husband had been.

“Stephen thought of everything“, she told her friend Mabel. “You know, just before he died, Stephen called me to his bedside and he handed me three envelopes.“

“Really?” said Mabel. “And what did he say?”

“He said, Alice, I have put my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I’ve instructed. Then I can rest in peace,” Alice responded.

“So, what was in the envelopes?” Mabel enquired.

“In the first envelope, there was $5,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this money to buy a nice casket’. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such thick padding in the lining that I know Stephen is resting very comfortably.” Alice responded.

“Really?” said Mabel.

“Yes,” said Alice, “And in the second envelope there was $10,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this for a nice funeral’. I arranged a very dignified funeral for Stephen, attended by all his friends and family.”

“So what was in the third envelope?” asked Mabel.

“The third envelope contained $50,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this to buy a suitable stone so I’m remembered’.” Alice responded.

At this point, she held up her hand to Mabel and pointed to the ten-carat diamond ring on her finger.

“So Mabel,” said Alice, “do you like the stone?“

8. The Hearing Test:

Bill was concerned about his elderly wife’s hearing. So he decided to test it without telling her.

He went to the corner of the room about 15 feet away from her and said, “Honey can you hear me?“

There was no response.

So he went about 5 feet away from his wife and again said, “Honey can you hear me?“

Still, he got no response.

So he leaned over the back of her chair and raised his voice, shouting in her ear, “HONEY CAN YOU HEAR ME?”

His wife put down her newspaper and turned towards him saying, “Bill, I said ‘Yes’ three times already!“

Moral of the Story: Don’t assume someone else is the source of a problem. It could be you who’s the problem.

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46 Bad jokes that are funny and will make you smile

10/01/2024 by

If you’re looking for some bad jokes that are funny and will make you smile, then here are 46 original jokes, written just for you, and which I hope you will enjoy.

Please feel free to pass them on.

Bad jokes that are funny (1–10):

I was asked whether I knew Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address. What could I say? I didn’t even know Lincoln had a home in Gettysburg.

Have you heard about the new cookbook just published? It’s written by a well-known television adventurer and survival expert. It has some great tips for cooking meat on a campfire when you’re stuck in the jungle. The book’s called Bear Grills.

I had tickets to see a play at Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre in London. I was excited until my boss said I had to work late on some project that I thought was a crock of that which stinks. I told him I’d lose my money if I didn’t go. He told me I’d lose my job if I didn’t work late. “That’s not fair,” I said. He smiled and said, “Well, it looks like you’re stuck between a crock and the Bard’s place.”

Did you hear the one about the man who walked into a bar? There was a warning sign, but he wasn’t paying attention.

I was leaving the subway at 42nd Street when I stumbled. I reached out and grabbed a pole. The guy wasn’t happy, and he started swearing at me in his own language.

Imagine my dilemma. It’s late at night, dark, and I’m walking alone along 9th Avenue through Hell’s Kitchen. Suddenly, I’m confronted by a sinister guy with a bat in his hand. It was tense, I can tell you, but then the bat flew off, and the guy went chasing after it.

The health inspector was inspecting the kitchen in the restaurant I managed, and he said he’d found a live beetle under the refrigerator. “Which one?” I said, “Paul or Ringo?”

When I was in school, I got into trouble for truancy. As it wasn’t the first time, I was told the principal would throw the book at me. She did. It was the Encyclopaedia Britannica.

I asked a girl in the office for a date. She said she didn’t have any, but she did ask whether I’d like one of the figs from her lunchbox.

The receptionist walked into my office, and she was shouting that she had an axe to grind. I told her that wasn’t something we dealt with in the Accounts Department.

Bad jokes that are funny (11–20):

My boss asked me whether I could date the letter he had in his hand, but I told him I preferred to date girls.

They asked me if I could play a bass. No, I said, but I can cook a mean seabream.

My mother asked me whether I’d received a letter at school today. “Yes,” I said, “I got a D in Science.”

My boss told me that I had a chip on my shoulder. Well, it might seem a bit odd, but there’s no law against using Pringles to accessorize your clothes.

The other day, I went down to the river, and there was a gang fight between a shoal of Carp and a shoal of Perch. I couldn’t quite comprehend what I was seeing until another angler said, “We’re fishing in troubled waters.”

Two electrons were the best of buddies. Well, why wouldn’t they be when they were both on the same wavelength?

My friend said, “I need help. Can I tap you for $1,000?” I said, “For $1,000, you can hit me over the head with a baseball bat.”

I’ve just read a statistic that suggests 65% of bald men still carry a comb. They just can’t part with it.

It was a cold night, and I was on the Staten Island Ferry, standing on deck, gazing out at the Statue of Liberty. A guy approached me, waving an unlit cigarette, and he said, “Got a light, Mac?” I smiled and said, “No, but can I offer you a dark brown overcoat?”

I was in a coffee shop in Manhattan, and I couldn’t get the Wi-Fi to work. I asked the girl behind the counter to help me. She said it was faulty, and I’d have to pretend it was 1973. So, I gave her a dime for my coffee and lit up a cigarette.

Bad jokes that are funny (21-30):

When my wife came down to breakfast, she asked what was left. Apparently, the opposite of right wasn’t helpful.

We were in the garden, and my wife said she was looking for a pole. She wasn’t amused when I asked, “Which one, north or south?”

I’ve just seen a twelve-inch ruler. You wouldn’t think someone so small could become a nation’s monarch, would you?

I was looking forward to my lunch date, but my friends just dismissed it as a sweet Middle Eastern fruit.

How was my trip? Let me tell you, how was my trip? I fell flat on my face and broke my nose.

Did you know that the song overwhelmingly voted favourite by textile workers everywhere is Die Another Day?

At the job interview, I was asked if I could perform under pressure. “No,” I said, “but I could probably do a passable version of Bohemian Rhapsody.”

The questionnaire asked whether I liked rock. It wasn’t obvious whether they meant riff-driven popular music or the famous sweet confectionery from Blackpool.

I’m so old that I can remember when the Super Bowl was just the slightly inflated bowl.

This morning, I noticed I had a large mole on my back. How it got in from the garden, I’ll never know.

Bad jokes that are funny (30–40):

I started work on a construction site, and the foreman asked me whether I was familiar with boring. “Sure,” I said. “I can be as boring as the best of them.”

My wife said she was looking for a ruler. Apparently, you’ll find King Charles in Buckingham Palace, wasn’t helpful.

When the waitress served my toast this morning, she asked me what I thought of the jam. “They’re okay,” I said, “but I prefer the Electric Light Orchestra.”

I asked a friend could he recommend a small arms manufacturer. He said, “Have you tried Smith & Wesson?” I said, “I didn’t even know they made prosthetic limbs for young children.”

A girl in the office received a bunch of flowers this morning with all the heads cut off. I think she might have a stalker.

On a day out in the country, I walked into a wood. That’s nice, you might think. Well, before long, I’d walked into a Smith, a Jones, and a Barrington-Smyth too. I really must get my eyes tested.

My wife asked me if I knew her favourite flower. Recognizing a loaded question, I thought about it very carefully before I responded. Then I said, “Self-raising?”  She hasn’t spoken to me since.

Teacher: Give me a sentence that includes the words defence, defeat, and detail. Little Johnny: When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first and then detail.

We were walking through Central Park when my wife shouted, “Duck!” Naturally, I dipped my head as I looked up for an airborne obstacle. That was when I tripped over a large Wood duck, fell flat on my face, and broke my nose. The Moral of the Story: Consider your wife’s advice carefully before acting.

Dr Rivera was a trauma specialist in A&E known for his insensitive bedside manner. One day, a casualty was brought in following a gas explosion. The patient’s wife arrived and asked the doctor, “Can you tell me whether my husband will have any long-term effects from the explosion?” Dr Rivera thought about her question momentarily and then said, “At this stage, all I can say with certainty is that he’ll be no good in a Mexican wave.

Bad jokes that are funny (40–46):

I keep seeing signs which read, Bill Posters Will Be Prosecuted. I don’t know what he’s done but this guy Posters must be one bad boy.

The guy asked me whether I knew Centre Parcs. “No,” I said, “but I think I know his brother Bill.”

I applied for a job as security staff in a nightclub, and at the interview, they asked me if I knew martial arts. “I don’t think so,” I said. “What’s his first name?”

I used a computer in the local library to order something online. When I was done, my wife asked if I’d cleared the cache. “Why?” I said. “I used my credit card.” 

We were going clothes shopping, and my wife suggested I buy a jacket. I said, “Great idea! Let’s go to Spud-u-Like.”

A drunken scouser staggers into a public house on Lime Street with a large, beautiful, brightly-coloured Scarlet Macaw on his shoulder. The drunk staggers up to the bar, and the bartender says, “Wow, where did you get that?” “Oh,” says the macaw, “Lime Street’s full of them at this time of night.”

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So, dear reader, did any of these bad jokes that are funny prove to be as funny as you’d hoped?

I hope so.

However, there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read today, please share it with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share it now, then I would be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

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8 really funny jokes that will make you smile

10/01/2024 by

If you’re like me, you enjoy really funny jokes. Something to make you laugh and brighten the day. Well, here are eight really funny jokes that all made me smile today.

I hope you enjoy them.

And, if you do, please feel free to pass them on.

Really Funny Jokes:

1. Money’s too tight to mention:

Two old friends, Mary and Jane, were going shopping.

Mary was a spendthrift and she had a bad habit of constantly overdrawing her bank account.

Before leaving for the mall, Jane complained about her own lack of funds and sadly lamented, “If I buy anything, I guess I’ll have to use plastic.”

Unconcerned, Mary whipped out her chequebook and said, “Well I’ll be using rubber.”

2. Blood from a stone:

A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s wealthy banker, so the director decided to make a phone call.

“Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”

The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”

“Um, no,” mumbled the director.

“Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?” the banker continued.

“I … I … I had no idea,”  the director admitted.

“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”

3. Verifying your cheque:

The store clerk requested identification from a customer who had just written a personal cheque for her purchase.

After fumbling through her purse, she presented him with what she said was the only thing she had that bore both her name and address. It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank. 

4. Asking for charity:

A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman known for her charity.

“Please, ma’am,” he says when she opens up, “can you help this poor, tragic family down the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They’re about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone can pay their rent.”

“That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life!” says the woman. “May I ask who you are?”

“I’m their landlord.”

 5. Ways of seeing:

Teenager, Billy lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway.

After a brief but fruitless search, Billy gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes she’d found the lens.

“How did you do that?” he asked.

“We weren’t looking for the same thing Billy,” she explained. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”

6. The rooster:

A farmer decided he wanted to go into town to see a movie.

As he was standing in line for a ticket, the ticket agent says to him. “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”

“Well,” said the farmer, “this here’s my pet rooster, Chuck. I never go anywhere without Chuck.”

“Sir, I’m sorry,” the ticket agent responds, “but we don’t allow any animals in the auditorium.”

Now the farmer is a wily old operator, and he knows how to work around a problem.

So, he disappears around the corner and stuffs the rooster down his overalls. Then he returns to the ticket booth, buys a ticket, and walks off to take his seat.

On this occasion, he’s seated next to two old women, Maude and Daisy.

The movie starts and naturally, the rooster begins to get restless. So, the old farmer unbuttons his fly so Chuck could stick his head out to watch the movie.

“Daisy,” says Maude, whispering.

“What is it, Maude?” Daisy responds.

“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”

“What makes you think so?” Daisy asks.

“He just undid his pants, and he’s got his thing out,” whispers Maude.

“So, why worry?” Daisy responds, “at your age, it’s not like you haven’t seen one before. When you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”

“Well, that’s what I thought,” Maude responded, “but this one’s eating my popcorn.“

7. Devoted wife:

Harry is on his deathbed, and he says to his wife, “Mabel, I will be gone soon, and there’s something I must ask you. In these 50 years of our marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?“

“Well, Harry,” Mabel replied, “I must be honest with you. I was unfaithful on three occasions during these past 50 years, but always with good reason.“

“Really?” said Harry, hurt by Mabel’s confession. “I didn’t suspect anything. Can you tell me your reasons?“

Mabel sighed and said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our house because we couldn’t afford to pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?“

Harry remembered the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?“

Mabel hesitated momentarily and then said, “Do you remember when you had heart problems and we didn’t have enough money to pay your medical bills? I went to see your doctor one night, and if you recall, he did the bypass surgery at no charge.“

“Oh, yes,” said Harry, “How could I forget, Mabel? You saved my life, so I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“Well,” Mabel continued, “do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed to be sure you could count on all 15 votes from the committee members?“

8. The Lesson:

While walking along Pennsylvania Avenue, a congressman is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

Suddenly he finds himself standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St. Peter.

“Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter.

The congressman is still a little confused, given his circumstances, but thanks St Peter for his welcome.

“Now,” St Peter continues, “before you settle in, there is an issue. We seldom see politicians here, so we’re never quite sure what to do with you. However, we do have a procedure.”

“So, what happens now?” asks the congressman.

“Well,” says St Peter, “What we’ll do is have you spend a day in Hell followed by a day in Heaven. Then you can choose where you’ll spend eternity.”

With that, St. Peter escorts the congressman to an elevator and down he goes to Hell.

A few moments later, the elevator door opens, and the congressman finds himself standing in the clubhouse of the most amazing golf course he’d ever seen. Standing in front of him were all his old Washington buddies and other politicians who’d predeceased him.

They’re all having a great time, drinking, laughing and joking. When they see him, they greet him warmly, shake his hand, and reminisce about all the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of ordinary people. They invite him to play a game of golf and then afterwards they all dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

The devil joins them for dinner. The congressman is amazed at how friendly and caring the devil is. Nothing like he had imagined.

They were all having the most amazing time when the devil suggested it was probably time for the congressman to complete the process with St Peter.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and a wave as the elevator rises back up to the Pearly Gates. Suddenly the door opens and St. Peter is waiting for him.

“Well,” says St Peter, “now it’s time to visit Heaven.”

The time passes with the congressman joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. The time they had was pleasant enough if a little underwhelming, but it passed quickly. Before he realizes it, the congressman is back with St Peter.

“Well, now,” says St Peter, “you’ve seen what Heaven and Hell have to offer, so you must now make a choice.”

The congressman reflects on his options momentarily, then says, “Well, pleasant as Heaven was, what the devil has to offer me seems like a much better deal. So, I’ll opt for Hell.”

So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and back he goes down to Hell for all eternity.

When the elevator door opens, the congressman finds himself in a stinking hellhole full of waste and garbage. Once again, he sees his friends, but they’re dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The smell is terrible.

The congressman struggles to comprehend what he’s seeing as the devil arrives to greet him. “I don’t understand,” the congressman says to the devil, “this is not what I voted for.”

The devil smiles at him.

“Yesterday,” continues the congressman, “when I was here, there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. How can this possibly be what I voted for?”

Once again, the devil smiles at him and says, “Ah, yes, you’ve noticed. Well, you see, yesterday I was campaigning. Today I have your vote. So, now you know how ordinary people feel.”

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So did these prove to be the really funny jokes you’d hoped for read reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read, please share it with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Articles you might enjoy:

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4 funny international commercials to make you smile

09/23/2024 by

Today I have some very funny international commercials for you.

When it comes to watching television, I find the commercials are usually much better than everything else. Would you agree dear reader?

I love clever commercials and funny commercials are always a pleasure to watch.

And the best commercials are memorable because they combine clever and funny. Such commercials really do punch above their weight.

Well dear reader, if like me you enjoy clever and amusing commercials then I think you might enjoy the ones in the embedded video below.

These are not new commercials, but you will enjoy them I’m sure.

They made me smile, so I hope they brighten up your day too.

4 FUNNY INTERNATIONAL COMMERCIALS

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So, dear reader, did these funny international commercials make you laugh?

I hope so. However, there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read, please share it with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share it now, I’d be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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