37 short quotes that are funny and sharp

05/28/2025 by

If you’re looking for some short quotes that are funny and sharp, dear reader, then I’ve curated 37 little gems for you today.

I’m confident that at least a few of them will make you smile.

Who originally gave us these little gems? I have no idea. But whoever it was, we should all thank them.

So, take a few moments to enjoy them all, and feel free to pass them on.

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Short quotes that are funny (1-10):

  1. I’m not short, I’m fun-sized!
  2. I’m not old, I’m just a classic.
  3. I’m not weird, I’m just different.
  4. I’m not fat, I’m just easy to see.
  5. I’m not lazy, I’m just energy efficient.
  6. I’m not weird, I’m just a limited edition.
  7. I’m not bald, I’m just taller than my hair.
  8. I’m not old, I’m just chronologically gifted.
  9. I’m not always right, I’m just never wrong.
  10. I’m not impatient, I just prefer not to wait.

Short quotes that are funny (11-20):

  1. I’m not messy, I’m creatively disorganized.
  2. I’m not clumsy, I’m just gravity challenged.
  3. I’m not moody, I just have a lot of feelings.
  4. I’m not stubborn, I’m just persistently right.
  5. I’m not antisocial, I’m just selectively social.
  6. I’m not lost, I’m just taking the scenic route.
  7. I’m not sarcastic, I’m just fluent in smartass.
  8. I’m not late, I’m just chronologically challenged.
  9. I’m not a control freak, I’m a control enthusiast.
  10. I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
37 SHORT QUOTES THAT ARE FUNNY
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Short quotes that are funny (21-30):

  1. I’m not difficult, I’m just picky about my stupidity.
  2. If life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
  3. I don’t have bad handwriting; I have my own font.
  4. I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.
  5. I wanted to be a baker but couldn’t raise the dough.
  6. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
  7. I’m not procrastinating, I’m prioritizing in reverse order.
  8. I’m not always right, but when I am, it’s usually by accident.
  9. I’m not messy, I just like to create my own obstacle courses.
  10. I tried to start a hot air balloon business, but it never took off.

Short quotes that are funny (31-37):

  1. I’m not arguing, I’m just passionately expressing why I’m right.
  2. I’m not a procrastinator, I’m just very efficient at doing nothing.
  3. I’m not forgetful, I’m just experiencing spontaneous memory loss.
  4. I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right in a different way.
  5. I’m not nosy, I’m just overly curious about everything and everyone.
  6. I’m not a morning person. I’m a mourning person, mourning the loss of my sleep.
  7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of debt payments.

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So, there you have it. My 37 short quotes that are funny. However, were they as funny as you’d hoped? I hope so.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

I appreciate your support. Thank you.

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Really funny commercials that’ll make you smile

05/27/2025 by

Do you like really funny commercials, dear reader?

Now, how many commercials does the average person see in a year? Thousands, wouldn’t you agree?

And how many of those commercials will the average consumer remember as they consider making a purchasing decision? Not that many, I think.

However, if a commercial is to leave a powerful impression on consumers, it must be memorable. The question then is, how is it made memorable? Well, there can be few better ways than the use of humour.

The best commercials are really funny with a link back to the product’s unique selling proposition.

Here is a video with a series of commercials for the culturally, insensitively named chocolate bar Japp (a product made by the Mars company, I believe), which ticks all the boxes for me. 

These really funny commercials made me smile, and I hope they will brighten your day too.

REALLY FUNNY COMMERCIALS
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Really Funny Commercials:

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So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these really funny commercials made you smile, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

I appreciate your support. Thank you.

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15 Quotes by Amy Poehler that reflect her philosophy

05/24/2025 by

If you’re looking for quotes by Amy Poehler, this article is for you.

Amy Poehler is an American actress, voice artist, comedian, director, producer, and writer. She is also an inspiration to women everywhere.

Amy Poehler is probably best known for her appearances on the US television series Saturday Night Live. She has a reputation for being a woman with the determination to contribute significantly in her own right rather than being content with a decorative, background role supporting leading men.

This is a woman who is smart, talented, and one who knows where she’s going. She has a determination to succeed on her own terms, and that’s a quality I admire.

We would all do well to follow her example, regardless of our gender. We leave our mark on life with the things we achieve and the contributions we make.

So here are 15 quotes by Amy Poehler that reflect her philosophy and her approach to succeeding in a tough profession.

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Quotes by Amy Poehler:

  1. I get a little itchy if I don’t have some control. ~Amy Poehler
  2. I’ve always dreamed of growing up to be Amy Poehler. ~Amy Poehler
  3. I believe great people do things before they are ready. ~Amy Poehler
  4. The earlier you learn that you should focus on what you have, and not obsess about what you don’t have, the happier you will be. ~Amy Poehler
  5. I cannot stress enough that the answer to life’s questions is often in people’s faces. Try putting your iPhones down once in a while, and look in people’s faces. People’s faces will tell you amazing things. Like if they are angry, or nauseous or asleep. ~Amy Poehler
  6. Try to keep your mind open to possibilities and your mouth closed on matters that you don’t know about. Limit your ‘always’ and your ‘nevers.’ ~Amy Poehler
  7. I’d say any good set or any comedy that I’ve worked on, that’s worked, has been comedians pitching ideas back and forth to each other. A lot of like, ‘What if you say this? What about this?’ ~Amy Poehler
  8. Any actor or actress who tells you that they don’t watch their stuff is lying. ~Amy Poehler
  9. I think we should stop asking people in their twenties what they “want to do” and start asking them what they don’t want to do. ~Amy Poehler
  10. You do it because the doing of it is the thing. The doing is the thing. The talking and worrying and thinking is not the thing. ~Amy Poehler
  11. Decide what your currency is early. Let go of what you will never have. People who do this are happier and sexier. ~Amy Poehler
  12. It takes years as a woman to unlearn what you have been taught to be sorry for. It takes years to find your voice and seize your real estate. ~Amy Poehler
  13. Watching great people do what you love is a good way to start learning how to do it yourself. ~Amy Poehler
  14. How a person treats their waitress is a great indication of their character. ~Amy Poehler
  15. I want to be around people that do things. I don’t want to be around people anymore that judge or talk about what people do. I want to be around people that dream and support and do things. ~Amy Poehler

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31 sarcastic responses to rude people

05/10/2025 by

Looking for some sarcastic responses to rude people, dear reader?

If you’ve ever worked in the retail trade, as I have, you’ll have encountered plenty of rude people.

That said, just travelling on public transport these days can expose us all to rude people.

Well, if you meet any, it’s always helpful to have some ammunition to respond.

So today I’ve put together 31 sarcastic responses to rude people that you might find come in useful in the weeks and months ahead. They might just make you smile, too.

So take a few moments to enjoy them all, and please feel free to pass them on.

sarcastic responses to rude people
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Sarcastic responses to rude people (1-10):

  1. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were such an expert.
  2. Well, thanks for your input. I’ll be sure to ignore it.
  3. Oh, pardon me. I didn’t realize you made all the rules.
  4. My bad! I didn’t realize my sarcasm would be lost on you.
  5. Well, I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize I was speaking to a genius.
  6. Excuse me, I didn’t realize I was dealing with a professional critic.
  7. Well, thank you for that germ of wisdom. I’m sure it will come in handy.
  8. Gee, I’m sorry I didn’t realize you were the only person on the planet who really matters.
  9. Wow, your rudeness is truly impressive. I’m sure it takes a lot of effort to be such a complete jerk.
  10. Thanks for your advice. It’s always nice to have an opinion from someone who thinks they’re an expert.

Sarcastic responses to rude people (11-20):

  1. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was talking to an encyclopaedia.
  2. That’s a great point. And here’s me thinking you were just stupid.
  3. I’m sorry if I dared to have an opinion of my own. I’ll make sure to only speak when spoken to next time.
  4. I can only apologize for not being a mind reader. I’ll be sure to work on my telepathy skills before we meet again.
  5. Thank you for your valuable feedback. I’ll be sure to take it into consideration as I strive to be an even worse person.
  6. Your kind words are truly appreciated. I’ll be sure to add them to the list of reasons why I never want to interact with you again.
  7. Clearly, I should have recognised that you were in a bad mood before you took it out on me. I’ll be sure to avoid you next time.
  8. Well, I apologize if my presence offends you. I’ll be sure to stay out of your sight next time, so as not to disrupt your perfect world.
  9. Thank you for your generous gift of insults and disrespect. I’ll treasure it always and strive to be a more worthy recipient of your abuse.
  10. Oh, thank you for reminding me of my place. I’ll be sure to remember that people in jobs like mine are unworthy of kindness and respect.

Sarcastic responses to rude people (21-31):

  1. Who died and made you the boss?
  2. Goodness, I didn’t realize I was dealing with a mind reader.
  3. If only I’d known you were such an authority on this subject.
  4. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize being rude was part of the conversation.
  5. Now, that’s an interesting perspective. I’m sure it will help me grow.
  6. Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you ruled the universe and were entitled to treat others like dirt.
  7. Clearly, my mere existence is an inconvenience to you. I’ll try to be more obsequious next time we meet.
  8. I can only apologize for not meeting your high standards of perfection. I’ll try harder to be more like you in the future.
  9. Excuse me if I didn’t live up to your expectations. I’ll try to be more incompetent next time to suit your needs better.
  10. I’m sorry for not being telepathic and knowing exactly what you wanted without you having to communicate it. I’ll try to do better next time.
  11. Forgive me! I didn’t realize you were such an authority on everything. Do continue to enlighten me with your vast knowledge and excellent manners.
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So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these sarcastic responses to rude people made you smile, please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Thank you for your support.

Please share:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these sarcastic responses to rude people made you smile, please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Thank you for your support.

Other articles that might appeal to you:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2025. All rights reserved.

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6 short story jokes guaranteed to make you laugh

05/07/2025 by
6 short story jokes

Here are six short story jokes guaranteed to make you laugh. They made me howl with laughter, so I hope they’ll brighten your day too. Enjoy them all.

SHORT STORY JOKES
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Short story jokes:

1. The Deaf Debt Collector:

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses subject to their protection racket.

As they were feeling the heat from the Police, they decided to use someone deaf for the job. If someone deaf gets caught, they figured he wouldn’t be able to communicate easily with the Police.

In his first week on the job, the deaf debt collector picks up over $50,000. That’s a lot of money, he thinks, and the deaf debt collector’s greed gets the better of him. He decides to keep the money, and he stashes it in a safe place.

However, it’s not long before the Mafia realises that the collection is late and they send out a couple of heavies to look for the deaf debt collector.

They soon find him and ask the deaf debt collector what he’s done with the money. The problem is that the deaf debt collector can’t communicate with them either, so the Mafia heavies drag him off to an interpreter.

They get to a sign language interpreter and the leading Mafioso then says, “I want ya to ask him where da money is.“

So the interpreter signs, “Where’s the money?“

The deaf debt collector tries to bluff his way out of his dilemma by saying, “I don’t know what they’re talking about.“

The interpreter looks at the Mafioso and says, “He’s saying he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.“

The Mafioso reaches into his coat and pulls out a .44 Remington Magnum handgun, which he points at the forehead of the deaf debt collector, and with real menace in his voice, he says to the interpreter, “Ask him where da money is, and tell him I won’t be askin’ again.“

So the interpreter immediately signs, “Where’s the money? He says he won’t ask again, and I think he’s serious.“

At this point, the deaf debt collector’s nerve goes, and he signs, “The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left by the gate near 72nd Street on Central Park West, and close to Strawberry Fields.“

Getting impatient, the Mafioso looks at the interpreter and asks, “What did he say?”

The interpreter looks at the Mafioso and says, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, he thinks you’re an idiot, and he doesn’t think you’ve got the balls to pull the trigger!“

2. The Balloonist and the Programmer:

A man is flying in a hot air balloon, and soon realizes he’s completely lost.

So he starts reducing height, and suddenly spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon a little further and then shouts: “Excuse me, sir, I was wondering, can you tell me where I am? I seem to be lost.“

Taken by surprise, the man looks up and replies, “Yeah, that’s easy. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering about 25 feet above this field.“

“You must work in IT. I’m guessing you work as a programmer?” says the balloonist.

“I do and yes, I am,” replies the man, looking a little surprised, “How did you guess?“

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you’ve told me is technically correct, but it’s of no actual use to anyone.“

The programmer smiles and then says, “Ah, you must be the CEO of a business.“

“Yes, I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how could you know that?“

“That’s easy,” says the programmer. “You don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.“

3. The Tiger, the Man, and God:

A man is being chased by a tiger.

He’s running as hard as he can, and eventually, he gets to the edge of a cliff with the tiger still in hot pursuit.

The man looks over the edge of the cliff and sees a branch growing out of the side of the cliff just a few feet down.

Having no other option, the man jumps down and grabs the branch just before the tiger arrives at the cliff edge.

The tiger is growling viciously and pacing backwards and forwards along the cliff edge. The man sighs with relief, as he thinks he’s outsmarted the tiger.

At that moment, a little mouse appears from a crevice in the rock, and it begins to chew on the branch.

The man looks down at what is a drop of hundreds of feet. If he falls, it will surely result in his death. So he looks to the heavens and yelled out, “Dear God, if you are there, please help. I will do anything you ask, but please help.“

“You say you will do anything I ask?” Without it being questioned?” a voice booms from heaven above.

The man is surprised to get an immediate reply to his plea, but he yells back, “I will gladly do anything you ask, but please save me.“

“There’s one way to save you, but it will take courage and faith,” says the voice from above.

The man can feel the branch begin to weaken as the mouse continues to gnaw at it, and he can see the tiger still pacing around, growling at the cliff’s edge a few feet above him.

“Please, Lord, tell me what I must do, and I will do it. Your will is my command,” shouts the man in despair.

“All right then, let go of the branch,” the voice from heaven responds.

The man looks down to a fall of hundreds of feet and certain death. He looks up at the hungry tiger a few feet above him, and then he looks at the mouse still chewing on the branch.

He then looks up at the heavens again and yells, “Is there no one else up there I can speak to?“

SHORT STORY JOKES

4. The Mercedes Dealership:

An elderly man returned to a Mercedes dealership to find the salesman had just sold the car he was interested in to a beautiful, busty blonde.

“I thought you said you would hold that car for me until I raised the $75.000 asking price,” said the old man. “And now I’m told you just closed a deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady over there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model.“

“Well, sir, what can I tell you?” replied the salesman, grinning. “She had the cash in her hand, and just look at her, she’s stunningly beautiful. How could I resist?“.

At this point, the young lady approached the old man and handed him the keys to the car.

“There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get this joker to drop his asking price. See you later, Grandpa.”

Moral of the story: Never mess with old people!

5. The Genie:

A customer service agent, an administration clerk, and their manager are all walking to lunch when they stumble upon an old, antique oil lamp.

Knowing that an old oil lamp can often house a genie, they enthusiastically rub it in hopeful anticipation.

Sure enough, out pops a genie.

“I am the genie of the lamp, and you can each have one wish,” says the genie.

“Me first! Me first!” says the customer service agent. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.”

There’s a poof sound followed by a cloud of smoke, and the customer service agent’s gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.”

There’s a poof sound followed by a cloud of smoke, and the administration clerk’s gone

The genie then looks at the manager and says, “OK, Boss, I guess it’s your turn now.”

“I want those two back in the office in exactly 45 minutes,” the manager responds.

Moral of the story: It’s always a good idea to let your boss go first.

6. The Mexican Maid:

A Mexican maid asks for a pay rise from the lady of the house.

The wife is not happy about this, so she decides to talk to the maid about her request for more money.

“Now, Maria, why do you want more money?” she asks.

“Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I wanna increase,” replies the maid. “The first eez that I iron better than you.“

“Maria, who said you iron better than me?” responds the wife.

“Jor huzban he say so Señora,” Maria replies.

“Oh, he did, did he?” says the wife. “And what is your second reason?”

“The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you,” Maria responds.

“That’s nonsense. Who said you’re a better cook than me?” asks the wife.

“Jor hozban deed Señora,” Maria replies.

“Oh, he did, did he?”  the wife responds, getting increasingly agitated.

“The third reason eez that I ama better than you in da bed,” says Maria.

The lady of the house is now angry and, through gritted teeth, she asks, “And did my husband say that too?“

“No Señora, the gardener deed,” Maria replies.

“OK, how much is it you want?” asks her employer.

Please share this post with your friends:

If you enjoyed these short story jokes, dear reader, please share this post on social media with your friends.

Share the fun, and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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29 jokes for 10-year-olds that’ll amuse adults too

05/06/2025 by

There’s an inner child in all of us. If you love childish jokes, here are 29 hilarious jokes for 10-year-olds that I’m confident will amuse many adults too.

Enjoy them all and then pass them on to the children in your life and the adults who’ve not lost their inner child.

And have a great day too.

JOKES FOR 10-YEAR-OLDS

Jokes for 10-year-olds (1-10):

  1. What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.
  2. What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey!
  3. Where do you manufacture average things? A satisfactory.
  4. How do you drown a hipster? Throw him in the mainstream.
  5. I broke my finger last week but, on the other hand, I’m fine.
  6. What sits at the bottom of the sea twitching? A nervous wreck.
  7. Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
  8. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A labracadabrador.
  9. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? Well, the flag’s a big plus.
  10. Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast.

Jokes for 10-year-olds (11-20):

  1. No one is completely useless. We can always serve as a warning to others.
  2. Why don’t math majors go to parties? Because they don’t drink and derive.
  3. What do you call a line of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.
  4. A parachute isn’t essential for skydiving, unless you want to go skydiving twice.
  5. Why should you never date a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
  6. You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If it doesn’t come home, it was only a pigeon.
  7. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
  8. What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn’t really matter because it’s not going to come to you anyway.
  9. My girlfriend accused me of being immature, so I told her she couldn’t play with my toys anymore.
  10. Women used to call me ugly until they realised how much I earn. Now they call me ugly and poor.

Jokes for 10-year-olds (21-29):

  1. What did Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? The best of thymes; the worst of thymes.
  2. What did the bald man say when he was given a comb as a gift? Thanks, I’ll never part with that.”
  3. Verdana, Arial and Times New Roman walked into a bar and the bartender shouts, “Sorry but we don’t serve your type!”
  4. I saw a guy spill his Scrabble game all over the sidewalk and I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
  5. A Roman legionnaire walked into a bar, holds up two fingers and says to the bartender, “Five beers please.”
  6. A woman in labor suddenly started shouting, “Couldn’t, wouldn’t, shouldn’t, didn’t, can’t, won’t ………” The doctor smiled and said, “Don’t worry mam, they’re just contractions.”
  7. A woman says, “Help me, doctor, I’m addicted to Twitter.” The doctor smiled and said, “I’m sorry, I’m not following you.”
  8. The Preacher said to John, “Come forth and you’ll receive eternal life.” Unfortunately, John came fifth but he did win a year’s supply of Todd’s Snickerdoodles.
  9. A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a vodka and ………..Coke please.” The bartender says, “Why the big pause?” The bear shrugs and says, “I don’t know, I was born with them.”

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these jokes for 10-year-olds made you smile, please share this post with your children, as well as your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Thank you for your support.

29 JOKES FOR 10-YEAR-OLDS
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37 sarcasm examples for when you need that little zinger

05/04/2025 by

If you’ve ever worked in retail or some other customer-facing role, dear reader, you’ll know that people can be challenging. That’s life. And sometimes you wish you’d had that perfect little zinger to let people know what you think of them. Well, here are 37 sarcasm examples that might just make you smile. And might be useful next time you need that little zinger.

Enjoy them all and feel free to pass them on.

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SARCASM EXAMPLES

How I envy people who’ve never met you.

Goodness, aren’t you as sharp as a marble?

Do you enjoy humiliating yourself in public?

You really should come with a warning label.

You’re like a penny: two-faced and worthless.

Now aren’t you just the walking motivational poster?

I’m not rude. I just say what everyone else is thinking.

If I had the crayons, I’d willingly try to explain it to you.

You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.

I wasn’t ignoring you. I was simply prioritizing my sanity.

I see you’re still an idiot. Well, at least, you’re consistent.

It’s amazing how you can talk so much and yet say so little.

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If you keep talking, eventually you might say something intelligent.

You do realise that you have delusions of adequacy, don’t you?

When I want to hear from a nobody, I’ll be sure to give you a call.

Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma?

Yes, of course, I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I wish I had a lower IQ, then I might enjoy our conversations more.

You’re the reason they must put instructions on shampoo bottles.

I’d give you a nasty look, but I can see that you’ve already got one.

The last time I saw something as ugly as you, I had to pay admission.

I’m not saying you’re ugly, but your bathroom mirror must be scared.

If you’re waiting for me to care, I hope you brought something to read.

I wasn’t insulting you. I was simply explaining how other people see you.

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You know, I thought of you this morning. It reminded me to take out the trash.

There can be few things in life more enjoyable than watching you leave a room.

Clearly, you have an inferiority complex, and, let me tell you, it’s fully justified.

If you want to be taken seriously, you’ll need to speak with someone other than me.

I’m not saying you’re an idiot, but your village just called to say they’re missing you.

If you had a dollar for every intelligent comment you’ve ever made, you’d be broke.

Has anyone ever told you that you have a face for radio and a voice for silent movies?

If only the gene pool had had a lifeguard, you wouldn’t be here now, ruining my morning.

Do I think you’re exceptional? Well, certainly, I’ve never met anyone quite as stupid as you.

You really are like a software update. Whenever I see you, I think, ‘Oh no, please, not now!’

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard you say something stupid, I’d be a very wealthy man.

I can only assume that you were born on a highway because that’s usually where accidents happen.

I’m not being mean, but I did hear that your birth certificate is an apology letter from the Prophylactic Emporium.

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If any of these sarcasm examples made you smile, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

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Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

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35 one-liners about life that will raise a smile

05/01/2025 by

I love one-liners about life. The one I love most has to be the following:

“Life? Don’t talk to me about life!”

Older readers may remember that this was the expression made famous by Marvin the Paranoid Android in Douglas Adams’ classic novel, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

I’m sure we’ve all shared Marvin’s sentiment occasionally when we experience life’s more challenging moments.

However positive we are, life can get the better of us sometimes.

So here are some one-liners about life that are guaranteed to raise a smile or two, as I’m sure at least some of them will resonate with readers.

Life can be absurd at times, and it’s difficult on occasions to believe the evidence of our own eyes and ears.

Nevertheless, our aim must be to remain positive, and to do that, we must learn to laugh at life and ourselves.

Don’t take it all too seriously.

Just laugh as much as you can, and that is the perfect counterbalance to life’s absurdities.

Start now by laughing at all these one-liners, which I’ve collected together to amuse and entertain you, dear reader.

ONE-LINERS ABOUT LIFE
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One-liners about life (1-20):

  1. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  2. Life is a terminal disease.
  3. Youth is wasted on the young.
  4. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
  5. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  6. It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
  7. We never really grow up we only learn how to act in public.
  8. Being a hypochondriac could save your life one of these days.
  9. Any room is a panic room if you’ve lost your phone in it.
  10. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  11. I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
  12. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
  13. I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
  14. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  15. By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
  16. Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
  17. Just because a road’s well-trodden doesn’t mean it leads anywhere worth going.
  18. As soon as you’re doing what you wanted to be doing, you want to be doing something else.
  19. Stealing ideas from one person is plagiarism but stealing ideas from many people is research.
  20. How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

One-liners about life (21-35):

  1. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
  2. You might as well laugh at your problems because everyone else does.
  3. God must love stupid people because he made so many of them.
  4. Dolphins are so smart they can train people to stand at the edge of the pool and throw fish at them.
  5. If I was doin’ any better, I’d have to hire someone to help me enjoy it!
  6. Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
  7. How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
  8. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
  9. I thought I wanted a career but I realize now that I just wanted a decent income.
  10. Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.
  11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they’re sexy.
  12. Why is it that most nudists are people you wouldn’t want to see naked?
  13. No one is in charge of your happiness, except you.
  14. Some people will appreciate it others will be irritated by it. Either way, you win.
  15. The pain you feel today will be the strength you feel tomorrow.

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So, dear reader, did any of these one-liners about life make you smile?

I hope so.

However, there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

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21 stupid jokes that are funny

04/28/2025 by
stupid jokes that are funny

If you’re looking for some stupid jokes that are funny, dear reader, then I have 21 for you today that I’m confident will make you laugh.

So, grab a cup of coffee, relax, and take a few moments to enjoy them all.

And please, feel free to pass them on.

Stupid jokes that are funny (1-5):

Last week, I went on a first aid course, and the instructor asked me what I’d do if my child swallowed a door key. Apparently “I’d climb through the window,” wasn’t the right answer.

Barber: How would you like your hair cut, sir? Customer: In silence, please.

Yesterday, I was persuaded to run a marathon for charity. I didn’t want to do it at first, but they told me it’s for blind and disabled kids, so I thought I’d have a decent chance of winning.

Wife: “Just look at that couple over there; how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?” Husband: “Are you mad? I don’t even know the woman!”

It’s been so cold recently that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

Stupid jokes that are funny (6-10):

After years of study at university, finally, I’m a PhD, or as I’m better known, a Pizza Hut Deliveryman.

Q: What do politicians and diapers have in common? A: Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.

It is a fact that light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear to be quite bright until you hear them talk.

Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man in central London and stuck a gun in his ribs. “Give me your money,” the robber demanded. “You can’t do this I’m a Member of Parliament!” the man replied, “Oh! In that case,” smiled the robber, “give me MY money!“

My wife keeps berating me for being unkind to one of my kids, but I don’t know which one she means. I think I treat Bobby, Cindy, and the fat, ugly one all the same.

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Stupid jokes that are funny (11-15):

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally, I was forced to take his bike away from him.

Q: What can you hold without ever touching it? A: A conversation.

Mike arrives home one evening, unannounced, with his best buddy, Pete, and asks his wife, Jane, if she can make dinner for him and Pete. Naturally, Jane’s not happy and she starts screaming at Mike, as the two men just sit and listen. “What are you doing to me?” shouts Jane. “My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, and it’s too late to expect me to start cooking now. Why the hell did you bring him home anyway?” Mike hesitates momentarily and then says, “Because Pete’s thinking of getting married, so I thought it would be helpful if I showed him what married life is like!“

Jim’s driving home from work when he gets a call from his wife, Irene, on his cell phone. “Be careful on the road, honey. I’ve just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way down the highway,” says Irene. “It’s not just one car,” Jim responds, “there are literally thousands of them!“

Dick and Roger are two elderly gentlemen eating breakfast together in a restaurant one morning. Roger notices something funny in Dick’s ear. “Hey, Dick,” says Roger. “Do you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?” Dick fiddles with his ear, pulls out the suppository, stares at it momentarily, and then says, “Well, I’ll be darned; now I think I know what I did with my hearing aid.”

Stupid jokes that are funny (16-21):

Two blondes walk into a tanning salon. The receptionist asks, “Are you two sisters?” “No!” says one, as they both start giggling. “We’re not even Catholic.”

Q: What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? A: Dam!

Q: What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A: A can’t opener!

Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An impasta.

There are three types of people in this world: those who can count and those who can’t.

A guy with a giraffe walks into a bar. After a few drinks, the giraffe falls over and dies. The guy decides it’s time to leave. The bartender sees what happened and shouts, “Hey, buddy, you can’t leave that lyin’ there!” As he’s heading for the door, the man turns and says, “It’s not a lion. It’s a giraffe.“

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Were they as funny as you’d hoped?

Did they make you smile?

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7 funny story jokes that might just tickle you

04/21/2025 by

Funny story jokes always get a great response from readers. So today, I’m offering you seven of them, which I hope you’ll find amusing.

They all made me smile, so I hope at least one or two of these funny story jokes might tickle you

Enjoy them all.

And please, feel free to pass them on.

FUNNY STORY JOKES
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Funny story jokes:

1. The hospital visits:

US President Donald Trump is visiting a local hospital in Washington, DC.

Naturally, he’s determined to meet as many patients as possible, regardless of their ailments.

As he’s walking around the hospital, he eventually arrives at old Charlie’s bed.

“Hello there, buddy,” says the President, “what’s wrong with you?”

“I’ve got an enormous boil on my ass,” old Charlie responds, “and I’m here to have it lanced.”

Looking a little embarrassed, the president smiles at Charlie, then quickly moves on to the next patient.

As soon as he’s out of earshot, the nurse scolds old Charlie for his comment to the president: “Now that wasn’t very diplomatic of you, Charlie, was it? He didn’t need the detail. You could just have said you had a bad back.”

The following day, the Vice President, JD Vance, is visiting the same hospital.

As he’s walking around, he arrives at old Charlie’s bed.

“And how are you today?” the Vice President asks warmly with a smile.

“Oh, I’ve got a bad back,” says old Charlie.

“Oh dear,” the Vice President responds sympathetically. “What with that enormous boil on your ass, you’re not having much luck, are you?”

2. The Sunday service:

It was a Sunday morning, and the pastor noticed little Johnny standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with a list of names and bearing symbols in the form of American flags in each corner.

The seven-year-old had been staring at this plaque for some time when the pastor walked up and said, “Hello, Johnny.”

“Good morning, Reverend,” Johnny responded. “Can you tell what this is meant to be?”

“Well, son,” said the pastor, “that’s a memorial to those young men and women who died in service.”

“Really?” said Johnny. “Which service, the 8 o’clock or the 10.30?”

3. Miscommunication:

An old man was visiting his daughter and infant grandson.

During the visit, the little boy says, “Hey, Grandpa, can I ask you a question?”

“Sure!” the old man responds.

“Can you make a noise like a frog?” the boy asks.

“Well, I think so,” the old man responds. And with that, he starts making croaking ribbit sounds.

The little boy is delighted and immediately runs out of the living room before returning a few minutes later, dragging a suitcase behind him.

“Why do you need the suitcase?” the old man asks the little boy.

“Because Mom says we can go to Disneyland the day you croak,” the little boy replied.

4. Tricky question:

Son: Mom, how did humans come to exist?

Mother: Well, you see, God created Adam and Eve…..

Son: But Dad said we came from apes

Mom: He was talking about his family; I am telling you about mine.

5. A bit of fun:

A boy is jumping up and down on a big box in the middle of a street in Manhattan, yelling, “Nine!“

An old man is walking down the street, and he stops momentarily to watch what the boy is doing.

“Hey, kid,” says the old man. “What are you doing?“

“Hey, mister,” the kid responds. “You’ve got to try this. It’s so much fun.”

“Fun? Really?” says the old man. “It doesn’t look like fun to me.”

“Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it,” the kid responds. “Maybe you’re just too old to try something new.”

Well, the old man couldn’t let that comment go without showing that he could still compete with the best of them.

“Okay, kid,” says the old man, “let me have a go.”

With that, the old man climbs on the box, starts jumping up and down, and yells, “Nine!“

“Louder!” shouts the kid.

Raising his voice, the old man jumps up again and yells, “Nine!“

“Again!” the kid shouts.

The old man jumps a third time, but as he does so, the kid whips the box from under him, exposing an open manhole.

With that, the old man disappears down the manhole, and the boy quickly moves the box back over the top of it.

The kid then gets back on the box, jumps up and down, and shouts, “Ten!”

6. The construction site:

A group of guys working on a construction site were all sitting around drinking coffee and moaning about how their boss still owed them for the last big job.

One of the guys was talking on a cellphone, and his colleagues couldn’t help but listen to him talking

“$1,000?” they heard him say. “Honey, that’s no problem. If you like the coat, go ahead and buy it.”

A few moments pass, and the conversation continues.

“You want a new BMW?” he continued. “It’s $125,000? That’s fine, but make sure you get it fully loaded with all the extras.”

His workmates were looking at each other, thinking how surprisingly generous this guy was being, and wondering how he could afford it all anyway.

Then they heard him say, “It’s now on the market? How much is it? $950,000? Go ahead, but offer $900,000 and see what they say.”

Staring in disbelief, his workmates looked at him as he terminated his call.

He looked at them all, smiled, and then said, “Tell the boss I’ve found his cell phone, his wife called, and I quit.”

7. The golfing accident:

Jack is on a golfing holiday, and he manages to overturn his golf cart accidentally whilst playing a quick 18 holes.

Olivia, a stunningly attractive woman and a keen golfer herself, lives in a villa right next to the golf course, and she hears Jack shouting for help.

Without hesitation, but dressed only in a flimsy bathrobe, she rushes out through her garden gate onto the golf course to assist.

“Are you okay?” asks Olivia as she tries to help. “What’s your name?”

“I’m Jack,” he responds, as he manages to crawl out from beneath the golf cart. “I’m a bit bruised, but otherwise I’m fine.”

Jack couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Olivia was, and he couldn’t take his eyes off her as she said to him, “Look, Jack, you may have some hidden injuries. Come back to my villa and rest for a while. I’ll help you turn the golf cart over later.”

“That’s kind of you,” says Jack, “but I don’t think my wife would be happy if I did that.”

“Oh, nonsense,” Olivia responded warmly, “your wife won’t mind.”

Olivia was so attractive with such a warm and friendly nature that Jack quickly weakened and said, “Well, if you’re sure.”

As they sat in Olivia’s living room, she offered Jack a restorative Scotch and water, and then they chatted for a while.

An hour went by, but eventually, Jack thanked Olivia, saying, “I feel a lot better now, but my wife will be really upset, so it’s best if I go now.”

“Oh, don’t be silly,” Olivia responded with a smile. “Your wife won’t even know you’ve been here. By the way, where is she?”

“Probably still under the golf cart, I would guess,” Jack says sheepishly.

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If you enjoyed these funny story jokes, dear reader, then please share this post on social media with your friends.

Share the fun, and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

So go on, please share this post now. If you could do that for me, I’d be forever grateful, and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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