25 clever one liners that’ll make you smile

03/02/2026 by

If you’re anything like me, dear reader, then you’ll love clever one liners. I’m constantly collecting them in my journal.

Today, I thought I’d share with you some of the best ones I’ve come across recently.

I found them all hilarious, and I’m confident that you will enjoy them too.

Please share them with your friends, but not until you’ve had the chance to laugh.

clever one liners
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Clever one liners:

  1. I’d like to start with the chimney jokes. I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house. ~Tim Vine
  2. Exit signs? They’re on the way out! ~Tim Vine
  3. I hate sitting in traffic because I always get run over. ~Milton Jones
  4. Conjunctivitis.com: That’s a site for sore eyes. ~Tim Vine
  5. Hedgehogs: Why can’t they just share the hedge? ~Dan Antolpolski
  6. My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round. ~Sarah Millican
  7. The toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door. ~Bill Bailey
  8. I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~Ken Dodd
  9. I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. ~Tom Ward
  10. My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off. ~Milton Jones
  11. My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter. ~Tim Vine
  12. The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast. ~Demetri Martin
  13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any. ~Tommy Cooper
  14. I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper. Dicing with death. ~Tim Vine
  15. It’s hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not. ~Milton Jones
  16. A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. ~Peter Kay
  17. The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job; especially if you’ve got hayfever. ~Milton Jones
  18. Helvetica and Times New Roman walked into a bar. “We don’t serve your type!” said the barman. ~Author Unknown
  19. Do you know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee. ~Milton Jones
  20. I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. ~Nick Helm
  21. This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’ ~Tim Vine
  22. Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, aah.’ The other replied: ‘Put some cold in then.’ – Harry Hill
  23. I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess. ~Matt Kirshen
  24. Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?” ~Author Unknown
  25. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’ ~Tim Vine
Phil Sutton

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5 story jokes that are actually funny

02/26/2026 by

If you’re looking for some jokes that are actually funny, then take a look at these five little gems I have on offer for you today.

They all made me laugh, and I’m confident that they’ll raise a smile with you too.

Enjoy them all, and please feel free to share them.

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Jokes that are actually funny:

1. Resourceful assistant:

Maude had recently been widowed, and she visited the mortuary to pay her respects to her late husband, Bert’s body.

The mortuary assistant leads her into the Chapel of Rest, where the late Bert’s body is lying-in-state.

On seeing Bert, Maude cannot stop herself from sobbing, with tears pouring down her face.

The mortuary assistant attempts to comfort her, putting his arm around her and saying, “Mam, I’m so sorry for your loss, but at least he’s at peace now.”

Maude struggles to regain her composure.

After a few moments, she says, “It’s not losing him that’s upset me; I just can’t bear seeing him wearing a suit.”

The mortuary assistant apologises before saying, “When men pass away, we always bury them in a suit.”

“But Bert was a clown, and he spent his life making others laugh,” said Maude. “His dying wish was to be buried in a clown costume.”

“Oh, I see,” said the mortuary assistant. “Well, let me see what I can arrange for you. Leave it with me.”

On the morning of the funeral, Maude returns to the mortuary to spend a few precious seconds with Bert and to say goodbye.

The mortuary assistant opens the casket for her, and as he does so, Maude smiles when she sees that Bert is now dressed in the costume he loved.

“Oh, thank you,” said Maude. “But where did you find a clown costume at such short notice?“

“It was serendipity really,” said the mortuary assistant, with a smile. “Just the day before yesterday, another clown died following a tragic accident while he was performing at the circus.”

“Really?” said Maude.

“Yes,” said the mortuary assistant. “And, as luck would have it, his family wanted him to be buried in a suit.”

“I don’t quite follow,” said Maude, a little confused.

“Well, it was simple,” said the mortuary assistant. “All I had to do was swap their heads around.“

2. Alligator fight:

Jeff had made his fortune as a hedge fund manager on Wall Street, but he’d had enough of the pressure, so he decided it was time to retire to Florida for the sunshine and a more relaxed lifestyle.

He bought himself a fabulous villa in the Everglades, and naturally, he was now keen to get to know his neighbours,

So, he decides to throw a big poolside party at his villa, and he invites everyone in the street, including a local politician named Joe Garcia.

Well, the party is going well, and everyone’s having a great time. The food’s good, the wine’s the best, and the music has everyone dancing.

As everything’s in full swing, Jeff suddenly shouts, “Now listen up, everyone. There’s a 12-foot alligator in the pool, and I’ll buy a brand-new Porsche Cayenne for anyone who’ll join him for a swim.“

Barely had Jeff offered this challenge when he heard the sound of a loud splash.

He looks towards the pool, and there’s a local politician, Joe Garcia, in the water, fighting madly with the alligator.

It’s a mean fight with wrestling, punches, biting, and choke holds. Water is splashing everywhere, and Joe Garcia and the alligator are raising hell.

Finally, after what seemed like an age, Joe Garcia strangles the alligator and leaves it floating on the surface of the pool.

He then staggers wearily out of the pool as everyone stares at him in disbelief.

“Well, Joe,” says Jeff, “I owe you a Porsche Cayenne.”

“No, that won’t be necessary; I don’t want it,” said Joe.

“Oh, come on,” said Jeff. “I have to give you something; you won the bet.“

“No thanks, I have a nice car, and I don’t need another one,” Joe insisted.

“Come on, you were amazing,” said Jeff. “How about I give you a Rolex watch?“

Once again, Joe Garcia says, “No thanks.”

Confused, Jeff asks, “Well then, what do you want?“

Joe looked around suspiciously at his fellow revellers and then said, “I want to get even with the son-of-a-bitch who pushed me in!“

3. Hard truth:

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian were in an art gallery viewing a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

“Look at their reserve and calm,” said the Englishman. “That suggests they were English.”

“Nonsense,” said the Frenchman. “They are naked and beautiful. That suggests they must have been French.”

The Russian reflected on what he’d just heard momentarily, and then he shook his head. “No,” he said. “They have no clothes, no shelter, and only an apple to eat, and they’re being told they’re in paradise. They were definitely Russian.”

4. Ageing problems:

Old Albert is visiting his doctor because he’s been having trouble with his hearing.

“Doc,” says Albert, “I’ve been having problems with my hearing.”

“Right!” says the doctor. “Let me take a closer look.”

With that, the doctor picks up an otoscope and begins inspecting Albert’s ear.

After a few moments of inspection, the doctor says, “It looks like there’s some sort of object stuck in your ear.“

The doctor grabs a pair of tweezers and proceeds to remove the object carefully.

As he pulls it out, the doctor looks at it closely and then exclaims, “It looks like a suppository!“

Old Albert looks closely at the suppository, and then he looks at the doctor and says, “Doc, can I use your phone?”

“Of course,” the doctor replied.

“I need to tell my wife that I now know where I put my hearing aid,” Albert continued.

5. Amish ways:

An elderly Amish woman was driving her buggy to a nearby town when a police officer stops her on the road.

“Mam, I’m sorry to stop you,” said the police officer, “but I noticed that your rear reflector is broken, and this could be dangerous.”

“Officer, I thank thee,” the Amish woman replied. “As soon as I get home, I’ll have my husband fix it.“

“Well, that’s fine,” said the police officer, “but I also noticed that one of the reins is wrapped around your horse’s testicles. That’s not going to be very comfortable for the horse. So, please have your husband check that too.”

“Officer, again, I must thank thee,” said the woman. “I’ll mention it to him as soon as I get home.“

True to her word, as soon as the Amish woman got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector on the buggy.

“I’ll attend to it immediately,” he responded.

“Good,” she replied. “And while you’re at it, the police officer seemed to think there was something wrong with the emergency brake.”

Phil Sutton

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So, were any of these jokes genuinely funny for you? I hope so, dear reader.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh. If so, click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

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It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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50 corny dad jokes that are all full groan

02/26/2026 by
50 CORNY DAD JOKES

Do you enjoy corny dad jokes, dear reader? Those that make you groan but also have a way of making us smile too.

Well, today I’ve got 50 dad jokes, which I hope you’ll enjoy.

I’m confident that there’s enough here to raise a smile or two.

So, enjoy them all, and please feel free to share them with your friends.

CORNY DAD JOKES
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Corny Dad Jokes (1-10):

  1. I can’t stop binge-watching fishing shows. I’m just hooked on reel life.
  2. Behind every husband who thinks he wears the pants is a wife who told him which pants to wear.
  3. I heard a story this morning about a chameleon that couldn’t change colour. Apparently, it had reptile dysfunction.
  4. Why do people use a big word when a diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the task admirably?
  5. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. Apparently, he acquired his size from too much pi.
  6. BREAKING NEWS: A nine-year-old girl has disappeared after using her mother’s moisturizer which makes you look 10 years younger.
  7. At the boss’s funeral, a disgruntled employee walked up close to the casket and whispered, “So, who’s thinking outside the box now, Mr Whitaker?”
  8. In Jamaica, a steak pie will cost you around $4. In Trinidad and Barbados, similar pies will cost you around $3. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
  9. I was shocked when my son started chewing electrical cables, so I grounded him. That seems to have worked because currently, he’s conducting himself properly.
  10. In a Catholic convent school, children were lining up in the cafeteria for lunch. There was a large pile of apples at the head of the table. A note above the pile read, “Take only ONE! God is watching you.” At the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies on a tray. Above this pile, some joker had placed his owned handwritten note, which read, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

Corny Dad Jokes (11-20):

  1. I’ve just seen a car being driven by a sheep in a swimsuit. It was a Lamb Bikini.
  2. I had a job working as an elevator operator but I quit. There were just too many ups and downs.
  3. My ambition was to be a Hollywood lighting director but it turns out that I wasn’t bright enough.
  4. I’ve just had my pet frog’s DNA tested. The result suggests he’s part English, part German and a tad Pole.
  5. I tried growing blueberries and raspberries in the snow but it proved to be a completely fruitless endeavour.
  6. My boss asked me why I only ever get sick on workdays. I explained to him that I had a weekend immune system.
  7. How do you tell the gender of an ant? Simple! Drop it in water and if it sinks, then it’s girl ant. And if it floats, it’s boy ant.
  8. I’ve just heard that in Memphis there’s a new line of Elvis-themed steakhouses. Apparently, they’re aimed at people who love meat tender.
  9. My dad told me that I must work until my bank balance looks like a phone number. Well, this morning I finally got there. My current balance is $911.
  10. A wife was so mad with her husband that she packed his bags and told him to get out. “I hope your life is miserable and I hope you die a long, slow, painful death,” she said. “Make up your mind,” he responded. “Should I stay or should I go?”

Corny Dad Jokes (21-30):

  1. I had a date last night and I really enjoy it. Tonight I might try a fig.
  2. Why do the French eat snails? It’s because they don’t like fast food.
  3. If cannibals eat a missionary, will that give them a taste for religion?
  4. If a dog gives birth to puppies on the sidewalk, will it be cited for littering?
  5. You may know where the Big Apple is but do you know where Minneapolis?
  6. I’ve been playing silent tennis. It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.
  7. When I arrived at the gates of the Drug Rehab Centre there was a sign that read, “Keep off the Grass.”
  8. The World Tongue Twister champion has been arrested. I’m sure he’ll be getting a very tough sentence.
  9. I hear that engineers have just made a car that runs on parsley. If only they could make a bus that runs on thyme.
  10. A young police officer named Philip was so good at his job that within a year or two he was voted Police Officer of the year. Naturally, he was thrilled that all his hard work had been recognized. However, very quickly he noticed that his colleagues, his family, his friends and even the preacher at his local church started asking him questions about life, relationships and so on. He started to feel a little awkward about this, given that he’d not had any special training that qualifies him to answer such questions. So he shared his concern with his wife, who smiled at him and said, “Honey, everyone in town knows you’re an award-winning Phil officer.

Corny Dad Jokes (31-40):

  1. Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He couldn’t resistor.
  2. I wish I could stop telling airport jokes but my doctor says it’s terminal.
  3. Did you hear the joke about margarine? On second thoughts, I’d butter not tell it.
  4. I told my wife I want to be cremated and she’s made an appointment for me next Friday.
  5. My wife told me I was getting fat. “Look, dear,” I said. “I can’t help it. I’ve had a lot on my plate lately.”
  6. We took our kids to the zoo last week. We’re going back at the weekend to see how well they’ve settled in.
  7. The Invisible Man married an invisible woman. I’m not sure what they saw in each other. Their kids weren’t much to look at either.
  8. When I see the names of young lovers carved in a tree, I’m always puzzled as to why anyone feels the need to take a knife on a date.
  9. A customer walks into a jewellery store and says, “I want to buy a watch, please.” The clerk smiles and says, “Certainly sir, analog? To which the customer replies, “No, just the watch please.”
  10. A snail walks into a Porsche dealership and buys a 911 Turbo. After finalizing all the options the snail says, “And I want a big letter S on the hood and one on each of the doors too, please.” The salesman looked at him, slightly puzzled and asked, “Why, when your name’s Bill?” The snail smiles in response and then says, “Because when I open her up on the freeway, I want everyone to say, Boy, look at that S-car go!”

Corny Dad Jokes (41-45):

  1. Is there a more terrifying moment than when you’re a guest in someone’s house and the toilet refuses to flush after your morning Number 2?
  2. The teacher asked her class to use the word symmetry in a sentence. First up was little Johnny and his response was, “When you die you’re buried in a symmetry.”
  3. I went into KFC with my young son and I asked the lady for a kid’s meal with a leg. “Which side?” she asked. Thinking momentarily, I then said, “Does it make any difference whether it’s the right or the left?” When she stopped laughing, she said, “No honey, which side would you like to go with the leg? Mashed potato or wedges?”
  4. Now I’ve been in many places over the years, but I’ve never been in cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I must admit, I’ve never been incognito either. It seems no one recognizes you there. However, I have been insane. They don’t have an airport. You have to be driven there. I’ve made several trips, so far.
  5. A court jester was forever making terrible puns which the king found increasingly irritating. He’d expressed his displeasure to the jester on a number of occasions but the terrible puns just kept on coming, so the king sentenced him to be hanged. On the evening of the day before the planned hanging, the King visited the jester in his cell and said that, if the jester promised to change his ways, he would be pardoned. “Oh thank you, your majesty,” said the jester. “No noose is good noose!” The jester was hung at sunrise.

Corny Dad Jokes (46-50):

  1. The principal from my son’s school phoned and said that he’s always being a nuisance in class. “He’s always being a nuisance at home too,” I responded. “But do I ever call you?”
  2. I asked my wife to help me put up some posts in the ground for our new fence. As I was holding a post in place, I gave her a sledgehammer and said, “When I nod my head, hit it.” After that, I don’t remember much.
  3. Whilst out walking my dog, I met a man in the park. During our conversation, he told me about his four new rescue chickens. He really made me smile when he told me he’d called them Hen Solo, Jabba the Cluck, Obi-Hen Kenobi and Princess layer.
  4. A piece of rope walked into a bar and the bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind!” The rope went outside, tied itself into a knot and then started fraying the edges. The rope then went back into the bar only for the bartender to say, “Weren’t you in here earlier?” The rope replied, “No! I’m a frayed knot.”
  5. Jane had been visiting her husband in jail. Before leaving she spoke with one of the correction officers and complained about how hard he was being worked. “He’s exhausted,” she said. The officer smiled and said, “Mam, you’ve got to be joking. He just eats, sleeps and stays in his cell all day.” Jane thinks momentarily and then says, “Well that can’t be right. He’s just told me he’s been digging a tunnel for months.”
Phil Sutton

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If any of these corny dad jokes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share now.

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Thank you for your support, dear reader.

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35 witty quotes from funny people you’ll love

02/25/2026 by
35 witty quotes from funny people

I love witty quotes from the funniest people, and I always make a note of the best ones in my journal.

Today, I thought I’d share some of them with you, dear reader.

Here are 35 of the best witty quotes from some very funny people, and I hope you enjoy them all. Certainly, I did.

witty quotes from funny people
funny stories to tell
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Witty quotes:

  1. One in four frogs is a leapfrog. ~Chris Turner
  2. My cat is recovering from a massive stroke. ~Darren Walsh
  3. A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it. ~Ross Smith
  4. I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring. ~Leo Kearse
  5. I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister. ~Will Marsh
  6. Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day. ~Christian Talbot
  7. I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day. ~Aatif Nawaz
  8. Thing is, we all just want to belong. But some of us are short. ~Lou Sanders
  9. Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat. ~Joe Lycett
  10. Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~ Jordan Brookes
  11. A rescue cat is like recycled toilet paper. Good for the planet, but scratchy. ~Chris Turner
  12. Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy. ~Richard Stott
  13. I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  14. Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open. ~Paul F. Taylor
  15. I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed. ~Olaf Falafel
  16. I used to be addicted to swimming, but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years. ~Alfie Moore
  17. My grandad has a chair in his shower, which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young, he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs. ~Rhys James
  18. My dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief. ~Mark Watson
  19. One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, ‘Ah well, you only live once.” ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
  20. You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase. ~Rob Beckett
  21. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
  22. Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of angry birds. Bad example. ~Bridget Christie
  23. The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much’. ~Andrew Bird
  24. I’m sure wherever my dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending. ~Jack Whitehall
  25. Oh my god, mega drama the other day: My dishwasher stopped working! Yup, his visa expired. ~Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop
  26. It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel
  27. Whenever I see a man with a beard, mustache, and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him’. ~Carey Marx
  28. I don’t have the Protestant work ethic, I have the Catholic work ethic; in that, I don’t work but I do feel very guilty about that. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  29. I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it. ~Adele Cliff
  30. When I found out the amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my permission I was fluming. ~Olaf Falafel
  31. I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
  32. I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
  33. My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, ‘Hurry up!’ because I didn’t want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, ‘The 17-year-old defendant, who hasn’t been named’. ~Jenny Collier
  34. I just bought underwater headphones and it’s made me loads faster. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times. ~Felicity Ward
  35. I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought, ‘This could be interesting.’ ~Paddy Lennox

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You do? I hope so anyway.

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So please share this post now. If you can do that for me, then I’ll be forever grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience, and that will be your good deed for the day.

Thank you.

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7 of the funniest jokes you’ll read today or any day

02/24/2026 by
7 FUNNIEST JOKES

If you’ve been searching for the funniest jokes, then I’m sure you’ll enjoy the seven I have on offer here. They all made me laugh, and I hope you enjoy them. too, dear reader.

And if you do enjoy them, don’t forget to pass them on. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So, thank you.

FUNNIEST JOKES
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Funniest Jokes:

1. Fred & Ginger dining out:

Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers were dining out in a very swanky, five-star New York City hotel, and they’d both made a point of dressing for the occasion.

Ginger looked absolutely stunning in her ball gown and diamond tiara, while Fred arrived in his trademark top hat, white tie and tails. They both looked like the million-dollar movie stars they were.

All was going well with dinner until they got to dessert. While serving dessert, the clumsy waiter managed to trip, and Fred was showered from head to toe in treacle pudding.

“Oh, I’m most terribly sorry, Mr Astaire,” said the waiter.

Fred was not amused. “So you ought to be,” he said angrily.

Fred sat there fuming as the waiter tried his best to assist.

“Look at the state of me now,” said Fred. “I’ve pudding on my top hat; pudding on my white tie; and pudding on my tails.”

2. Church on Sunday:

Leaving church one Sunday, Bernadette said to her husband Frank, “Do you think Mrs O’Shaughnessy is dying her hair?”

“To be honest, Bernadette, I didn’t even notice Mrs O’Shaughnessy,” Frank responded.

They walked together quietly for a few moments, and then Bernadette remarked, “Did you see that skirt Mrs Kilkenny was wearing? Now don’t tell me you thought that was appropriate for a 40-year-old mother of six.”

“I’m afraid I didn’t really notice Mrs Kilkenny either,” said Frank.

“Huh!” Bernadette responded dismissively. “A lot of good it does you going to church on Sundays.”

3. The protest:

An isolated monastery was inhabited by an order of monks who communicated with each other solely by chanting.

Every morning, they would gather in the chapel, and the abbot would chant, “Good morning, assembled brethren.”

In response, the monks would chant, “Good morning, Father Abbot.”

However, one morning, a disgruntled monk decided to make his point by chanting, “Good evening, Father Abbot.”

The abbot was not amused, and he glared at the assembled monks before he said, “Someone chanted evening.”

4. Dogs and cats:

A German Shepherd dog, a Doberman, and a cat all die on the same day, and they find themselves at the Pearly Gates facing God’s judgment.

God is seated on a golden throne, and he asks each in turn what they believe in.

The German shepherd answers by saying, “Dear God, I’m a firm believer in discipline and loyalty to my master.”

“That’s excellent,” said God, “you may sit here at my right side.”

“So, Doberman,” says God, “what is your response to my question?”

The Doberman reflects on the question momentarily and then says, “Dear God, I believe in love, care and the protection of my master and his family.“

“That’s very good,” said God, “you may sit here at my left side.”

God then looks at the cat, smiles, and then says, “So, my feline friend, what is it you believe?”

A moment or two passes before the cat looks at God nonchalantly and then says, “I believe you’re sitting in my chair.“

5. The will reading:

A lawyer was reading out the will of a wealthy man to his family and everyone mentioned in the document.

“To my loving wife Mary, my rock, and without whom my life would have been very different, I leave the mansion in Bel-Air and $20 million,” the lawyer read out loud.

He paused momentarily for his audience to digest this information, and then he continued reading.

“To my darling daughter Louisa, who supported me so much when my health began to fail and never once complained, I leave my business, my yacht, and $1 million,” said the lawyer.

Again, he paused momentarily to allow this information to sink in.

The lawyer then continued reading the final section of the will, “And to my brother Neville, who argued with me constantly, hated my guts, and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Neville!”

6. Engine trouble:

While cruising at 35,000 feet, the aircraft suddenly shuddered violently.

One passenger looked out of the window and then shouted, “Oh my God! One of the engines has just blown up.”

The passengers were white with fear when moments later the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as an engine on the opposite side exploded.

Passengers started to panic, and the cabin crew struggled to keep order.

However, just then, the captain strode confidently from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing about which they should be alarmed.

Reassured by the captain’s calm manner, passengers returned to their seats, and he coolly walked over to the aircraft’s door.

He then grabbed several packages from under the seats near the door and started handing them to the rest of the crew.

Crew members immediately fastened these packages to their backs.

One observant passenger said, “Hey, aren’t they parachutes?”

“Yes,” said the captain.

“But you said there was no need to be alarmed,” the passenger responded.

“There isn’t,” replied the captain as a third engine suddenly exploded. “We’re going to get help.”

7. Cashflow problem at the zoo:

A zoo was experiencing serious cash flow problems due to visitor numbers falling.

The zoo’s management got together to discuss how they could reverse the trend by introducing a major attraction.

Following the meeting, the manager persuaded a visitor, who was a very big, stocky man, to take a job dressing up in a gorilla costume and masquerading as a great ape.

This deception worked well as the man really threw himself into the role with enthusiasm, devouring buckets of bananas, swinging from branches, pacing his cage menacingly, beating his chest and roaring loudly.

However, one day he went a bit too far, and he accidentally fell into the lion’s enclosure next door.

Panicking, the bogus gorilla started shouting, “Help! Help!”

The lion let out a tremendous roar and then rushed at him. He put his paw on the bogus gorilla’s chest and growled, “Shut up, buddy, or we’ll both lose our jobs!”

Phil Sutton

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Articles you might enjoy:

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7 lame jokes funny enough to make you laugh

02/23/2026 by

If you enjoy lame jokes, dear reader, then I’ve got some great ones for you today. I’m confident that at least some of these will make you laugh.

Enjoy them all, and feel free to share them with your friends.

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Lame Jokes:

1. Miscommunication:

Betty is sitting on the porch with her husband, sipping a glass of wine.

“I love you so much,” says Betty. “In fact, I doubt if I could live without you. Not even for a single day.”

Her husband, Jim, is flattered and almost speechless. His wife had never shown him quite so much affection.

“Oh, Betty, I didn’t know you cared so much,” said Jim.

“Oh, yes,” said Betty, “this wine is really very special to me.”

2. Two wishes:

Jake and Maggie are a married couple in their sixties, and one day they’re visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.

“I want to travel around the world with my darling husband,” says Maggie.

“Your wish is granted,” says the fairy.

Then there’s a POOF sound, and miraculously, two tickets for a luxury cruise appear in Maggie’s hand.

“I’m sorry,” says Jake, “but my wish is to have a wife who’s 30 years younger than me.”

“Your wish is granted,” says the fairy.

With that, the fairy waves a wand, and miraculously, Jake is transformed into a 92-year-old.

Moral of the Story: Ungrateful men should remember that fairies are female and loyal to the sisterhood.

3. Shot of whiskey:

Jim drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed.

After years of this, his wife, Elaine, is worried about him and wants him to quit.

Naturally, Elaine wants to ensure that Jim really understands why she’s concerned.

As they’re sitting at the table, Elaine says to him, “Jim, dear, we need to talk.”

With that, she places two shot glasses on the table and fills one with water and the other with whiskey.

“Now, Jim, I want you to watch what happens next,” says Elaine.

With that, she takes two worms from his fishing-bait box and puts one in each of the shot glasses.

The worm in the water starts swimming around in the glass.

Sadly, the worm in the whiskey dies immediately.

Feeling she’s made her point, Elaine says, “So, Jim, what do you have to say about this little experiment?”

“Well, dear, that’s obvious,” says Jim. “If I keep drinking whiskey, I won’t get worms.”

4. Little Johnny Joke:

Little Johnny is sitting in his math class, and the teacher asks him, “Johnny, how many feet are there in a yard?”

Little Johnny thinks momentarily and then responds, “Well, miss, that would depend on how many people are standing in the yard.”

5. The pharmacist:

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

“Mam,” says the pharmacist, “I have to ask you what it’s for?”

“I want to kill my husband,” the woman responds.

“I’m sorry, mam,” says the pharmacist, “but I can’t let you have it for that.”

With that, the woman shows the pharmacist a photograph of his wife in bed with her husband.

The pharmacist studies the photograph momentarily and then says, “Oh, right, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

6. The reptile house:

Towards the end of a hectic day at the zoo, staff tried to tidy up as quickly as possible before closing for the evening.

In their haste to finish their work in the reptile house, the glass tanks were left open by mistake.

Within minutes, dozens of snakes had escaped.

With some highly venomous snakes on the loose, the head keeper was desperately trying to round them up, with little to no success.

Eventually, the head keeper turned to his assistant and said, “It’s no use; I’ll have to call a politician.”

“A politician?” the assistant exclaimed, a little bewildered. “How will a politician help us now?”

“Well,” said the head keeper, “we need someone who can speak their language.”

7. The miracle:

One morning, a disabled man hobbled into St Patrick’s Catholic Church on crutches.

The man stopped in front of the font, dipped a cupped hand into the holy water, and then started splashing and rubbing holy water on both of his legs.

When he’d finished, he threw away his crutches.

Watching this event was an altar boy, who was truly amazed by this act, which demonstrated the power of belief in God.

Immediately, the boy ran into the rectory to tell Father O’Connor, the Parish priest, what he’d seen.

“Son,” said Father O’Connor, “what you’ve just witnessed is a miracle. Tell me, where is this man now?”

“Flat on his ass, over there by the holy water,” said the boy.

Phil Sutton

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Thank you for being so supportive.

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10 funny but stupid jokes that’ll tickle your children

02/23/2026 by

If you like stupid jokes, today’s post is for you.

One of life’s great joys is sharing a laugh with children. Wouldn’t you agree?

There’s nothing quite as infectious as a child laughing uncontrollably. I’m sure you’ll agree with that, dear reader.

All you need is a little ammunition in the form of a book of stupid jokes, and you’re well on your way to creating memories that will last a lifetime.

I recently stumbled upon a hilarious book that works well with young children.

The book is Smarties Big Book of Stupid Jokes by Michael Powell, and I think it’s hilarious. It’s stuffed full of the sort of stupid jokes you’d find in Christmas crackers.

It contains an excellent collection of over 2,500 hilariously funny and silly jokes, all guaranteed to get a child laughing.

So take a break from the smartphones and iPads and you can have hours of fun making your children laugh and showing them there’s life beyond electronic gadgets.

Each joke has a simple two-line structure, poking fun at everything from addled animals to witless wizards. These are jokes that children will love, and they’ll be eager to share them with their friends.

This collection of jokes will allow children to dazzle their friends, disarm their enemies, and impress their teachers.

And remember, if a child has a stock of jokes to tell, then they’ll always be popular with their peer group.

So I’ve got to tell you, dear reader, you can’t lose with this book. It’s inexpensive and a sure-fire winner.

Allow me to offer you some examples of the wit and humour that you’ll find between the covers of Smarties Big Book of Stupid Jokes by Michael Powell:

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Stupid jokes just for you:

  • What did one pig say to the other?
  • Let’s be pen pals
  • Why do cows lie down when it’s cold?
  • To keep each udder warm
  • Which fish go to heaven when they die?
  • Angel fish
  • Why don’t bears wear socks?
  • Because they like to walk in their bear feet
  • What’s black and white and eats like a horse?
  • A zebra
  • What’s out of bounds?
  • An exhausted kangaroo
  • Why are anteaters good workers?
  • Because a little aardvark never hurt anyone
  • Why shouldn’t you tell a pig a secret?
  • Because pigs are squealers
  • What do porcupines have that other animals don’t?
  • Baby porcupines
  • Why did the chicken walk on the telephone wire?
  • She wanted to lay it on the line

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Phil Sutton

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4 Contenders for Dad Joke of the Day to tickle you

02/22/2026 by

If you’re looking for some contenders for Dad joke of the day, then I’ve got four gems here for you today, dear reader.

They all amused me, and I’m confident that, at least, one or two of them will tickle you too.

So, take a few minutes to enjoy them all.

And feel free to pass them on.

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Dad Joke of the Day:

1. The Shipwreck:

Ten people are desperately hanging on to a rope under a helicopter being lifted away from the wreckage of a ship in stormy seas.

There are nine men and just one woman.

As they cling on for their lives, they begin to realise that the rope is simply not strong enough to bear the weight of ten people.

Naturally, they decide they must do something.

After talking amongst themselves, they decide that one of them must sacrifice themselves for the greater good, otherwise, they’ll all die.

An argument then began as to who that person should be.

After a few moments of heated debate, the woman gave a very touching speech.

“I’m a woman,” she said, “and sacrifice is part of every woman’s life. We give everything for our families and in support of men everywhere. For the greater good, I will make this one last sacrifice.”

Well, the nine men were so impressed with her speech that they all began clapping.

While the woman was airlifted to safety alone.

Moral of the Story: You underestimate a woman at your peril.

2. The New Teacher:

Rick was a former sergeant in the US Marine Corps when he accepted a job as a teacher in a tough inner-city high school.

However, just before the school year began, Rick injured his back, and he needed to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.

Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt, so it wasn’t noticeable.

Having been a Marine, Rick found himself assigned to the toughest class in the school.

These kids were smart punks and determined to put their new teacher to the test.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, Rick opened the window wide and then sat down at his desk.

At that moment, a strong breeze blew his tie over his shoulder.

Unfazed, Rick just picked up the stapler from his desk and stapled his tie to his chest to stop it from being blown around again.

Suddenly, there was a dead silence. You could hear a pin drop as these kids sat open-mouthed, struggling to comprehend what they’d just observed.

The rest of the year went by without any problems for Rick.

Moral of the Story: You don’t mess with an old US Marine.

3. The Dress:

Alison’s wedding day is fast approaching, and nothing’s going to dampen her excitement, not even her parents’ divorce.

Alison’s mother has found the perfect dress to wear, and everyone is convinced that she’ll be the best-dressed bride’s mother ever.

All is going smoothly until Alison suddenly learns that her father’s new young wife has bought the same dress as her mother.

So, Alison asks her father’s new wife to exchange it, but she refuses.

“Definitely not!” says her father’s wife. “In this dress, I’ll look a million dollars, so I’m wearing it.”

Alison tells her mother the story and is surprised when her mother responds graciously, “Never mind, dear, I’ll just get another dress. After all, it is your special day.”

A few days later, they go shopping, and they find another beautiful dress.

This one is even better than the first one. It makes her mother look stunning.

When they’re having lunch, Alison says to her mother, “Mom, aren’t you going to return the other dress? You don’t have another occasion when you’ll wear it.”

Alison’s mother smiled and said, “Of course, I will, dear. I’ll be wearing it for the rehearsal dinner, the night before the wedding.”

Moral of the Story: If you think you can get one over on an older woman, think again.

4. The Job Advert:

Jim is unemployed and desperately searching for a job when he sees an advertisement in his local newspaper that says, “PHOTOGRAPHER WANTED: For photographing models for a Miami-based luxury women’s swimwear company.”

Now Jim’s handy with a camera and thinks this could be the perfect job for him.

However, on reflection, he thinks that perhaps it could all be just a practical joke.

So, he calls the number included in the advertisement.

“Oh, hi!” says Jim when his call is answered. “The advertisement in my local newspaper suggests you need a photographer. Is this true, or is it just a practical joke?”

“No, it’s genuine,” says the guy at the other end of the line. “One of our photographers resigned after an argument with the boss last week, so we now need a new one.”

“That’s great,” says Jim. “I’m looking for a job, and I’m good with a camera. And I can start immediately.”

“OK. Well, I need to ask you a few questions,” says the guy. “Are you married? Our models tend to feel uncomfortable if they have pictures taken by married men.“

“Well, that’s understandable,” Jim responds, “but I’m single, so that shouldn’t be a problem.”

“Excellent!” says the guy. “Now, are you able to control yourself around attractive young women? Some of our models are stunningly beautiful.”

“I have the greatest respect for women,” says Jim, “so I’m more than capable of keeping everything at a professional level.”

“Brilliant!” says the guy. “Now, our photoshoots are often based on sandy beaches in exotic locations, so, do you have a passport?”

“Yes,” says Jim, “I do have a current passport.”

“Right,” says the guy, “it sounds like you’re suitably qualified for the job.  How quickly can you get to Seattle?“

“Seattle?” Jim says, somewhat surprised. “The advertisement said the job’s based in Miami!”

“It is,” says the guy, “but Seattle is where the back of the line of applicants is right now.”

Moral of the Story: A dream job will attract a lot of applicants.

Phil Sutton

Please share the fun:

So, were any of these jokes worthy contenders for Dad Joke of the Day, dear reader? I hope so.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh. If so, click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today, then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

© Mann Island Media Limited 2026. All rights reserved.

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4 Hilariously Funny Short Story Jokes

02/22/2026 by

If you’re looking for some hilariously funny short story jokes, dear reader, then I’ve got four today that you might just enjoy.

Take a few moments to check them out, and then please feel free to pass them on to your friends.

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Hilariously funny short story jokes:

1. Jackie and the Game Warden:

Steve and Jackie went on vacation to a fishing resort in Montana.

Steve was a keen fisherman, and he liked to go out fishing early in the morning. Whereas when she’s on vacation, Jackie prefers to just relax and read a book.

One morning, after a few hours of fishing on the lake, Steve returned in his boat and, feeling a little tired by now, decided to take a midday nap.

At this point, Jackie is feeling in need of a little fresh air, and though unfamiliar with their boat, she decided to take it out onto the lake.

So she motored out a short distance, anchored the boat, and then continued reading her book in the peace and tranquillity of this beautiful part of the world.

Jackie’s sitting and reading for about half an hour when suddenly the Game Warden’s boat pulls up next to her boat.

“Good day, mam,” said the Game Warden. “What are you doing?”

“I’m reading a book,” Jackie replied.

“Mam, do you realize that you’re in a restricted fishing area?” said the Game Warden.

“Does that really matter?” said Jackie. “I’m not fishing; I’m reading.”

The Game Warden cast his experienced eye over her boat and then said, “Mam, I can see your boat has all the equipment for fishing. For all I know, you could start at any moment. I’m afraid I’ll have to write you up a ticket.”

Jackie smiled and then said, “Officer, if you do that, I will file a complaint against you for sexual assault.”

Surprised and slightly concerned by her response, the Game Warden said, “Mam, what do you mean? I haven’t laid a finger on you.”

“Perhaps,” said Jackie, “but you have all the equipment to do so. For all I know, you could start at any moment.”

“You have a nice day, mam”, said the Game Warden, as he re-started his engine and sailed away, leaving Jackie to her reading.

Moral of the Story: Don’t mess with women. You won’t win.

2. The silent treatment:

Frank and his wife, Liz, were giving each other the silent treatment after an argument.

This had gone on for 10 days when Frank realized he needed her to wake him the following morning at 5 a.m. so he could catch the 8 a.m. flight to Los Angeles for a very important business meeting.

However, Frank didn’t want to be the first to break the silence, so he left a note on her bedside table that read, “Please wake me at 5 a.m.”

The next morning, he woke up only to find it was already 9 a.m. So he’d missed his flight to Los Angeles.

Frank was furious, and he was about to ask his wife why she hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper on his bedside table. It read, “It’s 5 a.m. Wake up.”

Moral of the Story: Don’t mess with women. You won’t win.

3. A woman’s contribution:

One evening, Bill returned home from work only to find his home completely wrecked and upside down. Everything was a complete mess.

Bill’s three young children were still in their pyjamas, eating snacks from the fridge. The entrance rug, normally in the hall, was lying on the table. The television in the living room was blasting out cartoons loudly. And every item of furniture in the room was covered in stuff.

He walked into the kitchen only to find that the sink was full of dishes. Leftovers from breakfast were scattered all over the counter, and it was covered in crumbs too.

So Bill immediately ran up the stairs, dodging toys and piles of clothes, fearing his wife might be gravely ill or that some other misfortune might have happened to her.

When he entered their bedroom, breathless, Bill found his wife lying happily in bed, still in her pyjamas, reading a book.

Watching him struggle for breath, she smiled and said, “Hello, honey, how was your day?”

Feeling more than surprised and a little confused, Bill asked his wife, “What’s going on? What the hell has been happening here today?“

Once again, Bill’s wife smiled and said, “Remember that argument we had last night when you hurtfully asked me what the hell I did all day?”

“Ehhhh, yes, I think so”, said Bill, still slightly confused.

“Well today I didn’t do any of it, so now you know,” his wife responded.

Moral of the Story: Don’t mess with women. You won’t win.

4. It could be worse:

Jim’s walking past his son Tim’s room when he notices it’s incredibly clean and neat. As Tim’s not usually quite so fastidious in matters of housekeeping, Jim is naturally suspicious. So, he enters the room, and immediately he notices that there is a note on Tim’s bed addressed to Dad.

Nervously, Jim picks up the letter and opens it.

The letter reads,

“Dear Dad, I’ve run away with Betsy. She’s 20 years older than me, but I love her. We had to elope because she’s pregnant with my child. As we didn’t have enough money, I stole some from your wallet. We’re going to live in the woods below the Santa Monica Mountains, where she has a trailer, and where we will be growing marijuana and trading drugs with the local community. Once we have enough money, we’ll be able to get her the treatment she needs for AIDS. We plan to have at least eight children, and once we’re settled, we’ll visit you each year.

If you’ve read this far, Dad, don’t worry; I’m just kidding around. I’m hanging out at Mikey’s place. I just wanted you to realise that there are worse things than my report card, which you’ll find on my desk if you want to read it. Call me when it’s safe to head back home. Love you, Tim.”

Moral of the Story: Don’t mess with kids. You won’t win with them either.

Please share the fun:

I hope you found these jokes as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh. If so, click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today, then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

So go on, please do it now. I’ll be ever so grateful.

Thank you for your support.

Phil Sutton

© Mann Island Media Limited 2026. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

15 hilarious jokes that might just make you smile

02/20/2026 by
15 hilarious jokes

Jokes are always popular with readers, so once again I’ve been searching the Internet for stuff to make you smile.

Here are 15 hilarious jokes that made me laugh, and I hope they will brighten your day, too. Yes, they’re corny, but they’re still very funny, I think.

They are all classified as ‘Author Unknown,’ as I’ve been unable to confirm the identity of the original authors. However, I’d be happy to add appropriate writing credits to every joke if anyone can advise me as to their origin.

Take a few moments to enjoy them all, and please feel free to share them with others.

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Hilarious Jokes:

  • A naked woman robbed a bank.
  • Nobody could remember her face.
  • My girlfriend hated my endless stream of police puns.
  • So, I decided to give it arrest.
  • What do you get if you Google ‘missing medieval servant’?
  • Page not found.
  • Patient: Doctor, I’m so nervous; this is my first operation.
  • Doctor: Oh, don’t worry. It’s mine too.
  • Don’t be sad when a bird poops on your head.
  • Just be happy that dogs can’t fly.
  • My girlfriend isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.
  • I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.
  • When a cougar’s old and needs a hearing aid, what does she become?
  • A Def Leppard.
  • If you rub your eyes with ketchup, what will you benefit from?
  • Heinzsight!
Phil Sutton
  • My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances.
  • Well, she’s in for a shock.
  • What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein?
  • No whey Jose.
  • My girlfriend has her own taser.
  • She’s a real stunner.
  • I bought a dog off a blacksmith recently.
  • As soon as I got it home, it made a bolt for the door.
  • What do you do with an epileptic lettuce?
  • You make a seizure salad.
  • A man walked into a zoo, and the only animal they had was a dog.
  • It was a Shih Tzu.
  • When pharmacists get sick, what do doctors give them?
  • A taste of their own medicine.
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Please share with your friends:

So, dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these hilarious jokes made you smile, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then click on the links below.

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