22 Funny Winston Churchill Quotes

If you’re looking for some funny Winston Churchill quotes, then you’ve come to the right place, dear reader.

Today I’ve curated 22 little gems that might just make you smile.

Churchill was, of course, a British statesman and writer, a famous wartime leader, and twice Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Above all, he was a man with a memorable turn of phrase, whatever the occasion.

Anyway, take a few moments to enjoy all of these excellent quotes.

And then, please feel free to pass them on.

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Funny Winston Churchill Quotes (1-11):

  1. I am easily satisfied with the very best.
  2. Don’t interrupt me while I’m interrupting.
  3. History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
  4. I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.
  5. He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
  6. An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
  7. Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.
  8. We are masters of the unsaid words, but slaves of those we let slip out.
  9. A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.
  10. The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.
  11. Personally, I’m always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.
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Funny Winston Churchill Quotes (12-22):

  1. I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
  2. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
  3. Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
  4. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
  5. From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.
  6. I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
  7. Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.
  8. Show me a young Conservative and I’ll show you someone with no heart. Show me an old Liberal and I’ll show you someone with no brains.
  9. If you have an important point to make, don’t try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time—a tremendous whack.
  10. Everyone is in favour of free speech. Hardly a day passes without its being extolled, but some people’s idea of it is that they are free to say what they like, but if anyone else says anything back, that is an outrage.
  11. Lady Astor: “Winston, if I were your wife, I’d put poison in your coffee.” Winston Churchill: “Nancy, if I were your husband, I’d drink it.”
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27 witty one-liners so good you’ll laugh out loud

Now, do you fancy a bit of a laugh? A few witty one-liners, maybe?

Would you really like something to make you smile?

You’d love to have a laugh or two, but you don’t have the time to enjoy anything for too long, right?

Well, fear not. You must make at least a little time for a laugh. It will make you feel so much better.

Today, I offer you 27 witty one-liners that are guaranteed to make you smile.

They all made me smile, and I’m confident that some of them will brighten your day, too.

If you enjoy humor that’s concise and razor-sharp, then this collection of witty one-liners is just for you, dear reader.

So go on, take a minute or two, and have a good laugh right now. Enjoy them all.

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Witty One-Liners (1-10):

  1. I think the worst thing about driving a time machine will be your kids in the back always moaning, ‘Are we then yet?‘ ~Paul F Taylor
  2. If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself. ~Ian Smith
  3. I wanted to be a baker, but I never rose to the challenge. ~Author Unknown
  4. I’m writing a book on reverse psychology. Please don’t read it. ~Author Unknown
  5. Crime in multi-storey car parks? That’s wrong on so many different levels. ~Tim Vine
  6. As a kid, I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog. ~Gary Delaney
  7. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
  8. I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
  9. I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. ~Nick Helm
  10. I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe

Witty One-Liners (11-20):

  1. Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~Jordan Brookes
  2. I was trying to write a novel about puns, but it just turned out to be a play on words. ~Author Unknown
  3. I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia, and she whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’ ~Author Unknown
  4. One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, ‘Ah well, you only live once.’ ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
  5. My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So, I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger. ~Nick Hall
  6. If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late. ~Joel Dommett
  7. People say I’ve got no willpower, but I’ve quit smoking loads of times. ~Kai Humphries
  8. I tried to write a pun about the wind, but it just blew away. ~Author Unknown
  9. My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought, ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be?‘ ~Paul McCaffrey
  10. It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel

Witty One-Liners (21-27):

  1. I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: This could be interesting. ~Paddy Lennox
  2. I used to be a baker, but I could never make enough dough. ~Author Unknown
  3. Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache, and glasses, I think, There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him. ~Carey Marx
  4. What’s a couple?’ I asked my mom. She said, “Two or three.’ Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed. ~Josie Long
  5. I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
  6. Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara. ~Olaf Falafel
  7. Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge? ~Dan Antolpolski
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30 hilarious corny jokes guaranteed to make you smile

Once again, I’ve been curating hilarious corny jokes to keep you amused, dear reader. So here’s another batch that I think might raise a smile or two.

They’re all officially classified as Author Unknown, but if you can identify any of these against an original author, then please do let me know. I am keen to add suitable credits and links to websites where appropriate.

So please advise accordingly, but not before you’ve enjoyed these 30 hilarious corny jokes.

HILARIOUS CORNY JOKES
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Hilarious corny jokes (1-10):

  • What do you call an arrogant criminal walking down the stairs?
  • A condescending con descending.
  • I used to be a narcissist.
  • But just look at me now.
  • What did the ocean say to the island?
  • Nothing, it just waved.
  • A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
  • He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
  • What happens to illegally parked frogs?
  • They get toad.
  • Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me.
  • It means a lot.
  • What was a more important invention than the first telephone?
  • The second one.
  • Did you hear the one about the two radio antennas that got married?
  • The church service was just fine but the reception was awesome.
  • Why was the scarecrow given a promotion?
  • Because he was outstanding in his field.
  • What did the police officer say to his chest?
  • You’re under a vest.

Hilarious corny jokes (11-20):

  • Where does seaweed look for a job?
  • In the kelp-wanted ads.
  • Why did the soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
  • They were all seasoned troopers.
  • What is a vampire’s favourite type of boat?
  • A blood vessel.
  • What do you call a nervous celery stalk?
  • An edgy veggie.
  • What do you call baby foot soldiers?
  • Infantry.
  • What do you call a goat that lives on a mountain?
  • A hillbilly.
  • What do you call four Bullfighters in quicksand?
  • Cuatro Sinko.
  • What’s taken before you can get it?
  • Your photograph.
  • How many apples grow on a tree?
  • All of them.
  • What can you put in a large wooden box to make it lighter?
  • Holes.

Hilarious corny jokes (21-30):

  • What is served in glasses and is hard to swallow?
  • A stiff drink.
  • Why did the farmer plough his field with a steamroller?
  • He was growing mashed potatoes.
  • Why did the baker stop making donuts?
  • He was sick of the hole business.
  • Where do hamburgers box?
  • In an onion ring.
  • What is the most unreliable vegetable?
  • A fickle onion.
  • What do you call an imaginary colour?
  • A pigment of your imagination.
  • What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
  • One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
  • When does a joke become a Dad joke?
  • When it becomes fully groan.
  • My friend is a structural engineer.
  • He’s always complaining about stress at work.
  • Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician?
  • He worked his problem out with a pencil. It was a Number 2 pencil.
HILARIOUS CORNY JOKES
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So did these hilarious corny jokes prove to be as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read, then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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32 witty, one-liner jokes about getting old to make you smile

Looking for some jokes about getting old, dear reader? Well, today I can offer you 32 of them.

Whether you’re young or old, I’m sure you’ll be able to relate to a few of them.

I hope you enjoy them all, and I hope they make you smile. Certainly, they all made me smile.

And remember this: we all get older, but getting old is a state of mind, much more than anything else. You don’t have to let the old man or woman in.

Anyway, take a few moments to read them all and then pass them on.

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Jokes about getting old:

Phil Sutton

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If so. then please click on the links below. I’m confident that you’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read today, please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

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33 life lessons learned that are best learned early

Life lessons learned for most of us are learned the hard way. Here are 33 of those lessons that are best learned as early as possible, ideally in your teens or early 20s.

LIFE LESSONS LEARNED
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Life lessons learned:

1. On experiencing life:

Wherever you are, be there. Be present and experience the moment. You’ll remember moments with friends and family all your life, whereas you’re unlikely to remember social media posts moments after you’ve read them. No experience beats having a good laugh with your friends and family.

2. On making choices:

As an adult, you’re free to make your own choices but you must accept any consequences that follow. A wise adult learns to make good choices because the choices you make will dictate the quality of the life you lead. Your choices matter. Make too many bad ones and your life experiences won’t be very good at all.

3. On the future (1):

Where you’re going is more important than where you’ve been. The past was a series of lessons to be learned. The future is where you’ll spend the rest of your life. You can’t change the past but your future has yet to be written, and you’ve got the pen.

4. On the future (2):

The future is an endless stream of opportunities that you can choose to seize, or not. However poor your past may have been, that doesn’t mean you can’t seize new opportunities and exploit them to your own advantage. You can, with determination and hard work. And, never let anyone discourage you from having a go. Better to try and fail than to spend your life wondering what might have been

Phil Sutton

5. On asking questions:

Intelligent people ask questions. So, never be afraid to ask questions when you don’t understand something, or when you need clarification. Better to appear a fool momentarily than remain a fool permanently.

6. On attitude:

The greatest disability in life is a bad attitude. If you’ve got one you’d better change it, if you want your life to improve. Attitude matters. An average person with a positive attitude makes a much better employee than a genius with a chip on his or her shoulder.

7. On fairness:

Life isn’t fair. It never has been and it never will be. We’re all dealt a set of cards in life, and all we can do is play that hand as best as we can. We could get angry about the unfairness of it all or we can just get on and make the best of what we have. The latter approach is much easier on our nerves, in my experience.

8. On bullying:

When you’re having fun at someone else’s expense, remember it may be fun to you, and you may not mean any harm, but for the other person the impact of such an experience can be humiliating, upsetting, and it can cause significant, lasting and often permanent psychological damage to that person. So remember, it isn’t fun at all if it isn’t fun for the other person. If it isn’t fun for them, it’s just bullying. And if you’re bullying, you’re not being cool, you’re being nasty.

Phil Sutton

9. On judging others (1):

You’re free to judge others if you’re sure that you’re perfect in every way. If you conclude that you’re not quite perfect then why would you expect others to be?

10. On judging others (2):

For everyone, life is a struggle. No one is without problems, despite any external signs to the contrary. We just have to keep going for it’s the only way. Life goes on and we must too. If you’ve not walked two miles in someone else’s shoes, you’re not in a position to judge them. So, don’t.

11. On authenticity:

Authenticity is simply being who you are and not trying to be who you think you should be or who you think you’re expected to be. People will respect you for being who you are. An original is always better than a fake.

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12. On trust:

Trust takes years to build and seconds to break. And once broken the way you’re seen by others will never be quite the same again. Trust is a valuable commodity. Protect it.

13. On reputation:

Never underestimate the importance of your reputation. And if you wouldn’t be happy to read something about yourself on the front pages, don’t do it.

14. On communication:

If you want to tell anyone anything, speak softly and you’ll find that they’re much more likely to listen to you.

15. On success:

No one can ever be a failure but everyone can be a success. Failure is not a person it’s just an outcome you didn’t want. It’s also an opportunity to try again with greater knowledge and experience. Everyone can achieve some degree of success if they believe in themselves, they’re determined and they’re willing to work hard.

16. On priorities:

We all have the same amount of time. 168 hours a week. It’s how we choose to use it that dictates whether we achieve anything significant or not. Time is a resource, pure and simple. So, decide on your priorities and allocate your time accordingly. And just because someone wants a piece of your time, doesn’t mean you’re obliged to give it to them. If it’s not a priority, nor an obligation, just say NO.

Phil Sutton

17. On watching television:

Few people seem to recognise this but there’s a significant cost to watching television. Not the cost of purchasing the television set or any cable or satellite subscriptions you may have. The real cost is the opportunity cost of your time. That is the time you spend watching television. Time is money and you could be doing something more profitable with your time. Learning something new perhaps or running your own little income-generating side hustle.

18. On qualifications (1):

Most of the work done by most people in life doesn’t require a college degree at all. If you have one that’s great but stay humble. A motivated individual with common sense and decent reading, writing and arithmetic skills can succeed in life without one.

19. On qualifications (2):

You may need a college degree to work for an employer but you don’t need one to work for yourself. If it’s your business, you make the rules.

20. On qualifications (3):

Plenty of people graduating from Harvard will end up working for people who didn’t. So, stay humble. Studying at a top university is no guarantee for career success, nor does it guarantee wealth. A Harvard, Oxford, or Cambridge degree may look good on your CV but five years after graduation the only thing that will matter is what you’ve achieved in the workplace since.

21. On experience:

Doing is by far the best way to learn. The classroom is useful, of course, but nothing beats doing and learning from your mistakes. Making mistakes will teach you lessons that you’ll never forget. And learning from your mistakes will give you that valuable commodity known as experience. Knowing the theory is useful, whereas having experience is essential.

22. On employability:

You don’t sell who you are. You sell what you can do and the value you can add. Every job is about doing stuff for other people and delivering results. What is it you can do and what can you confidently deliver? Before you go for any job interview, make sure you have answers to these questions and make sure you can give examples of stuff you’ve delivered on previous occasions.

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23. On work (1):

Employers can quickly replace you with someone just like you and you’ll be forgotten quickly. So be professional in carrying out your duties, of course, but not at the expense of your interests or those of your loved ones.

24. On work (2):

Make sure you take good care of yourself. Employers will take everything you give and a bit more besides but if you died tomorrow your job would be posted online before your obituary. You’ll be replaced within days and the memory of your presence won’t last long.

25. On making money:

To make money you have to be doing stuff for other people. To make a serious amount of money you have to be doing stuff for multiple people simultaneously, even when you’re asleep. Sounds impossible but it can be done. For instance, serving the many with your digital products, sold online, can lead to great wealth.

26. On sales:

Successful selling is not about tricking people into buying something they don’t need. The art of selling is in proactively finding customers who’ve got problems for which your products can provide the ideal solution. If you can offer solutions to problems, you’ll find customers in need of what you have to sell. Find the right customers and a good product will sell itself.

27. On change (1):

It’s easier to remain as you are than it is to change but unless you change your life will not improve. Embracing change is hard but it is well worth the effort.

28. On change (2):

For things to change, you have to change. For things to get better, you have to get better. You can become more than you are but it won’t happen by accident. It all starts with you saying, I can; I will; and I won’t stop until I get there. And you must make any changes necessary.

29. On finding a life partner:

You’ll find, as you go through life, that Mr or Miss Perfect doesn’t exist. If you’re looking for a life partner, find someone whose faults you can live with. Yes, you’ll need to enjoy each other’s company. And yes, you’ll need to have things in common. However, everyone you meet will have faults of their own, even if they’re not immediately apparent.

30. On children (1):

When you have young children they need your attention much more than your mobile phone does. Your children should be your priority, particularly in the early years. You’re their role model. Be a positive role model and give them all the attention they deserve. The years pass quickly and your children, good or bad, are your legacy to the world.  Social media can wait. Anything less is simply a disservice to your child.

31. On children (2):

Children need continuity and they need boundaries. They need to be brought up with a set of values too. Fail to give them those things and you fail as a parent. Materialism is no substitute for the things that matter most.

32. On your social life:

You’ll never fit into every social group, nor should you try. Just focus on finding a group of people that are right for you. In other words, find your tribe. People that are welcoming to you, with interests like yours and personalities that appeal to you. It’s better to be in the company of people that appreciate your company, rather than trying to fit into groups that don’t want you there at all.

Phil Sutton

33. On experts:

There are plenty of people referred to as experts whose ideas and recommendations can prove to be stupid beyond belief. Listen to experts by all means but then use your own judgement. Don’t be fooled by people, just because they’ve got an impressive job title. If your instinct says they’re wrong, have the courage of your convictions and act accordingly. Just because an ‘expert’ said it, doesn’t mean you have to accept it.

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And you’ll be helping your friends too. So you really can make a difference in the lives of others.

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15 quotes by Lily Tomlin that are sharp and witty

If you’re looking for quotes by Lily Tomlin, this article is for you.

Lily Tomlin has to be one of the best comedians of all time, in my opinion.

Born Mary Jean Tomlin in 1939, I think she’s up there with the very best female comedians, like Joan Rivers and Phyllis Diller, and could give any of America’s funny men a serious run for their money, too.

She is, in fact, an actress, comedian, writer, singer, and producer and has had a successful career stretching back to the 1960s.

Here are 15 quotes by Lily Tomlin to underline my point.

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Quotes by Lily Tomlin:

  1. We are all in this together, by ourselves. ~Lily Tomlin
  2. The road to success is always under construction. ~Lily Tomlin
  3. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. ~Lily Tomlin
  4. The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. ~Lily Tomlin
  5. I always wondered why somebody doesn’t do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody. ~Lily Tomlin
  6. Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it. ~Lily Tomlin
  7. Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest then we can all die laughing. ~Lily Tomlin
  8. Don’t be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed. ~Lily Tomlin
  9. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. ~Lily Tomlin
  10. The best mind-altering drug is the truth. ~Lily Tomlin
  11. We’re all in this alone. ~Lily Tomlin
  12. I guess if people couldn’t profit from war, I don’t think there would be war. ~Lily Tomlin
  13. Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It’s the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them. ~Lily Tomlin
  14. When I was 9 or 10, I had a ten-cent business: I would walk your dog for a dime, go to the store for a dime, empty your garbage for a dime, and then I could use the money to buy tricks at the magic store. ~Lily Tomlin
  15. If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? ~Lily Tomlin
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So share them now on social media. If you can do that for me, then I will be truly grateful. Thank you.

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5 really funny jokes to make you smile

If you’re looking for some really funny jokes, then take a look at these five I’ve got for you today.

They all made me smile, and I’m confident they’ll tickle your funny bone too.

Enjoy them all, and please feel free to share them.

REALLY FUNNY JOKES
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Really funny jokes:

1. The Parrot:

Jack is a magician performing magic shows on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.

It’s an undemanding workload of two shows a day to a crowd of elderly American tourists, who all seem to enjoy his show.

However, there’s one problem that’s increasingly challenging for Jack, and that’s the captain’s talking parrot, which he brings to every show.

The parrot’s seen Jack’s show so many times that it knows how all the tricks are done, and it reveals these secrets to the audience after each trick.

When there’s a trick with a water jug, the parrot will say, “It’s a fake water jug!

When there’s a trick with a rabbit, the parrot will say, “The rabbit is under his hat!

And when there’s the showpiece finale with Jack’s pretty assistant, the parrot will say, “The girl’s hiding under a trapdoor!”

Frustrating as all this is for Jack, the audience thinks it’s part of the act, and they love it.

So instead of coming to see Jack perform his magic tricks, the crowds are turning up to see him being humiliated by the parrot.

To turn things around, Jack’s constantly trying to find a new trick to impress the crowd. A trick that the parrot won’t know how to do.

One day, he announces a spectacular new disappearing trick that involves pyrotechnics and fire.

All the passengers and crew fill the auditorium to see this new trick on the first night it’s being performed.

Unfortunately, as he’s performing it, Jack accidentally ignites a nearby fuel line, causing a series of explosions, resulting in the ship breaking apart and sinking within seconds.

The next morning, as the sun rises, all that’s left of the ship is some floating wreckage with Jack and the parrot clinging to it.

Jack and the parrot glare at each other, but no words are spoken.

This goes on for several days until, at the end of the week, the parrot breaks the silence by saying, “OK, I give up. Where’s the ship?

2. Little Johnny Joke:

Old Mrs Thompson could hear someone sobbing, so she wandered out into her backyard to see what was going on.

Quickly, she realises that the sobbing sounds are coming from next door.

Naturally, being curious, she looks over the fence to see what’s going on.

There she sees little Johnny, with tears streaming down his cheeks, patting down a large mound of earth with a spade.

“Hello, Johnny,” said Mrs Thompson. “Is everything alright?

No, it’s not alright mam,” said Johnny. “My goldfish is dead, and I’ve just had to bury it.

I’m sorry to hear that,” Mrs Thompson responded.

Staring momentarily at the mound of earth that Johnny’s patting down, Mrs Thompson then inquired, “That seems like a large grave for a goldfish, Johnny. Why did you make it so big?

Because the goldfish is inside your cat!” Johnny responded.

3. The Old Tomb:

In Russia, a group of building workers are digging the foundations for a multistory building when, suddenly, they discover an old tomb.

So, the site manager calls in three groups of experts to investigate. The experts include anthropologists, archaeologists, and the KGB.

The anthropologists looked inside the tomb, did some testing, took photographs, and then produced a report. They conclude that the tomb was that of a nobleman from medieval times. However, they felt more testing was required.

So, the archaeologists started their investigation. They take samples, have them tested in the laboratory, and then check the results against their database. Finally, they agree on a conclusion.

Their report suggests that the tomb, and the body in it, are those of a male, probably in his fifties when he died. They believed that the tomb was sealed around the year 1,100. However, once again, they suggest more investigation is required for a more precise answer.

So, at this point, the KGB entered the tomb. The door was immediately sealed, and nothing could be heard for a few days. Eventually, the door opens again, and the men from the KGB present their conclusion.

The KGB chief says, “We have established that this is the tomb of Vladimir Demidov, born in the year 1,025 on March 9th. He was the ruler of this province for 30 years after his father died of an unknown illness. He was married to Lady Yelizaveta in 1,047. They had no children, and when he died, his tomb was sealed to preserve the sanctity of his rest under the Holy Trinity Russian Orthodox Church, which was demolished in 1,800 when the town was reformed.

The other experts looked on in amazement until one asked, “How were you able to gather so much precise information so quickly?

Well,” said the KGB chief, “we took our time, naturally, but with our methods, it was only a matter of time before the corpse confessed everything.”

4. Three Wishes:

One day, three guys, Jim, Rick, and Bobby, are out having a relaxing day out fishing near Cape Cod.

Suddenly, to their great surprise, they catch a mermaid.

They haul the mermaid up in a net, and she promises them that if they set her free, in return, she will grant each of them a wish.

Jim is unconvinced, so he says, “Alright, if you can grant wishes, then double my IQ.

Done!” says the mermaid. Suddenly, Jim has a way with words, can express himself clearly, and can even write poetry effortlessly.

Rick is so amazed at what he’s just witnessed; he says to the mermaid, “Alright, I want you to triple my IQ.

Done!” says the mermaid. Suddenly, Rick can do complex arithmetic calculations in his head with ease.

Well, Bobby is truly impressed with what he’s just seen, so he says, “Alright, I want you to quadruple my IQ.”

Sir,” says the mermaid, “I don’t normally try to change people’s minds when they make a wish, but you really should reconsider your request.”

Why?” asks Bobby.

Well, sir,” the mermaid responds, “the implications of what you’re asking will be greater than you think.”

Well, I don’t care,” says Bobby. “If you want us to set you free, I want my IQ quadrupled.

The mermaid smiles and says, “As you wish.”

With that, there’s a puff of smoke, and Bobby suddenly turns into a woman.

5. Wasp Expert:

Jim is a world expert on wasps and the sounds they make, and he’s walking along Main Street when he stumbles upon a record shop specialising in vinyl records.

Jim wanders into the store for a look around, and he’s thumbing through the record racks when he finds an album titled ‘Wasps of the World and the Sounds They Make.’

Intrigued, Jim asks if he can listen to a track.

The clerk agrees, and Jim steps into the booth to listen.

Well, he listens, but he doesn’t recognise the sound.

So, Jim says to the clerk, “Hey buddy, I’m an expert on wasp sounds, and I didn’t recognise the sounds on that track.”

Sir, I’m sorry,” says the clerk. “Let me play you another track.”

Another track is played, but Jim doesn’t recognise that sound.

Listen, buddy,” says Jim, “I am a wasp expert, and I don’t recognise that sound either.

Let me play you another one then,” says the clerk.

Another track is played with the same result.

No!” says Jim. “I’m sorry, but these are not wasp sounds. I’m an expert, and I’d know.”

The clerk looked puzzled momentarily as he studied the album.

Then he suddenly exclaimed, “I’m sorry! I’ve just realised, I was playing you the bee side.

Phil Sutton

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So, did any of these really funny jokes tickle you today, dear reader? I hope so.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh. If so, click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today, then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

I appreciate your support, dear reader. Thank you.

Other articles you might enjoy:

39 funny Disney jokes to raise a smile

If it’s funny Disney jokes you’re looking for, dear reader, then here are some lighthearted funnies just for you.

I hope they make you smile and brighten your day.

If you do enjoy them, please feel free to pass them on.

39 funny Disney jokes
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Funny Disney Jokes (1-10):

  1. What did Mickey Mouse have for dessert? Mice cream!
  2. How does Ariel stay in touch with her friends? Sea-mail!
  3. Why did Mickey Mouse become an astronaut? To visit Pluto!
  4. How did the Genie fit everything into his lamp? With difficulty!
  5. Why was Tinkerbell feeling blue? She was having a fairy bad day!
  6. Why did Donald Duck watch the news? To get the feather forecast!
  7. What did Quasimodo say after winning the lottery? I’m ringing in the cash!
  8. Why did the Disney cat sit on the computer? To keep an eye on the mouse!
  9. Why did Goofy wear two pairs of pants to play golf? In case he got a hole in one!
  10. Why don’t Disney characters listen to the media anymore? They’ve heard enough fairy tales!

Funny Disney Jokes (11-20):

  1. What does Ariel use to call her friends? A shell phone!
  2. What kind of shoes does Mickey Mouse wear? Squeakers!
  3. Why does Peter Pan never get his feet dirty? He Neverlands!
  4. What did Nala tell Simba after he was walking too slowly? Mufasa!
  5. Why did Woody give Bullseye some water? Because he was a little horse!
  6. Why was Cinderella bad at basketball? Because she ran away from the ball!
  7. Why did Captain Hook become a chef? Because he’s great at hooking up a good meal!
  8. Why did Snow White treat each dwarf equally? Because she’s the fairest of them all.
  9. What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t show up? Someday my prints will come!
  10. What did the postcard say to the stamp at the Disney post office? Stick with me, and we’ll go places!

Funny Disney Jokes (21-30):

  1. How does Ariel like her toast? With mermelade!
  2. Where does Olaf keep his money? In a snowbank!
  3. Why was the broom late in Fantasia? It overswept!
  4. How does the Little Mermaid wash her fins? With Tide!
  5. What do you call a fairy who never bathes? Stinkerbell!
  6. Why couldn’t Mickey surf the web? He didn’t have a mouse pad!
  7. What did Dumbo do before he went on holiday? He packed his trunk!
  8. Why did Goofy bring a ladder to the bar? He’d heard the drinks were on the house!
  9. Why did Daisy Duck say she was always calm? Because she’s never quacking under pressure!
  10. Why do the Seven Dwarfs dance while they play? Because the hills are alive with the sound of music!

Funny Disney Jokes (31-39):

  1. Why wouldn’t Piglet use the toilet? He saw Pooh on it!
  2. What is Tarzan’s favourite Christmas carol? Jungle Bells!
  3. Why did Dopey take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
  4. How did Gaston get the baking job? By egg-saggerating his skills!
  5. What does a Disney princess use to unlock her room? A-riel key!
  6. What did the Jungle Book teach us about bananas? They’re apeeling!
  7. Why did Aladdin go to the bank? To check his balance on the flying carpet!
  8. Why was Eeyore always calm during tests? He knew how to stay relaxed under ass-essment!
  9. Why did Goofy stare at the computer screen? Because he wanted to keep an eye on the mouse!
Phil Sutton

Please share with your friends:

So dear reader, did any of these funny Disney jokes prove to be as funny as you’d hoped?

I hope so.

However, there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read today, please share it with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share it now, then I would be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

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5 funniest jokes about law and order

Dear reader, are you in need of a good laugh? Well, here are 5 of the funniest jokes about law and order to brighten your day. They all made me smile, so I hope you’ll enjoy them too.

They say laughter is the best medicine, and I agree. When you’re feeling down and in need of cheering up, few things have a greater impact than a good joke.

So relax, take a few minutes, and enjoy them all. And please feel free to pass them on.

FUNNIEST JOKES about law and order
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Funniest jokes about law and order:

1. Rookie cop:

Jake is a rookie cop, and he’s on his first day in a patrol car.

His partner is Vinny, an experienced cop who’s been around the block a few times, and he knows the score.

Nothing much happens for the first hour of their shift, but then suddenly they get a call on the radio asking them to disperse a group of people who’ve been reported as loitering on Main Street.

Let me deal with this one, Vinny,” says Jake, all pumped up and ready to go.

OK, buddy, go for it!” Vinny responds.

As their patrol car approaches Main Street, they can see a small crowd on the corner.

So Jake jumps out of the patrol car, approaches the small crowd, and says, “Okay, people, can we move along now, please? Come on now, as quickly as you can. Nothing to see here. Surely you’ve all got homes to go to?

The crowd ignores Jake’s instruction, so he feels compelled to repeat his command: “Come on now, move along, please. There’s nothing to see here. Failure to comply with a police officer’s instruction is a misdemeanour, and I will have to book you if you don’t move along.

Well, his comment about being booked seems to do the trick because people then start to drift away in different directions.

His confidence now boosted by his apparent success, Jake gets back into the patrol car.

Jake smiles at Vinny and says, “Not a bad start, don’t you think?

Yeah, I guess so,” says Vinny. “Pity it was Bus Stop though.

2. Don’t mess with old people:

Fred is an older man living on his own when he spots burglars breaking into the shed in his garden one night.

Naturally, he’s left feeling a little insecure by this turn of events, so he calls 911.

Well, the 911 operator advises Fred that there are no patrol cars available in his area to help him right now.

So Fred hangs up the phone and waits for a few minutes before he calls 911 again.

I called you a few minutes ago to report burglars in my garden shed. Well, you can cancel my request for help now because I’ve just shot them all,” says Fred.

Within minutes, there are three patrol cars outside Fred’s house with sirens wailing and blue lights flashing.

One of the police officers marches up the drive and says to Fred, “I thought you said you’d shot them all?

And I thought you said that there were no patrol cars available,” says Fred.

3. Driving Lesson:

Bill is giving his teenage son, Jack, a driving lesson.

Suddenly, Jack makes a right turn on a red light.

Oh, no!” shouts Bill. “I think you’ve just made an illegal turn.”

Take a chill pill, Dad,” Jack responds. “The police car right behind us has just done the same thing.

4. Speeding Driver:

A police officer, Jim Murphy, stops a speeding car.

As Officer Murphy approaches the vehicle, it’s obvious to him that the driver is extremely agitated. So, naturally, Officer Murphy is cautious.

Good afternoon, sir,” said the police officer. “Do you know why I’ve stopped you?

Yes, officer,” the driver responds. “I was speeding. But you’ve got to understand, I’m in a life-or-death situation.”

Really?” Officer Murphy responds, quizzically. “And why is that, sir?

Officer,” the man continues, “a naked woman is waiting for me at my house.”

Well, I don’t see how that’s a matter of life or death, sir,” says Officer Murphy in response.

It is,” the driver continues, “because if I don’t get home before my wife does, I’m a dead man!

5. Silence in court:

Jim is in the dock, facing a double murder charge.

You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner,” says the judge.

Hearing this charge, a man in the public gallery screams, “You son of a bitch.

Ignoring this interruption, the judge continues, “You are also charged with beating your wife’s lover to death with a spanner.”

Again, the man in the public gallery screams, “You son of a bitch.

Irritated by this second interruption, the judge turns her attention to the gallery and says, “Sir, I understand your outrage at what are terrible crimes, but I will not tolerate another such outburst in this courtroom. Interrupt again, and you will be held in contempt of court.

I’m sorry, your honour,” said the man, “but I’ve lived next door to this son of a bitch for 12 years, and every time I’ve asked to borrow a spanner he told me he didn’t have one.

Phil Sutton

Please share the fun:

I hope you found these the funniest jokes about law and order, dear reader.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh. If so, click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today, then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

So go on, please do it now. I will be ever so grateful.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

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50 funny one-line jokes that’ll tickle you

Attention, laughter-seekers! Have you ever had one of those days where you just need a quick chuckle to lift your spirits? Well, you’ve just struck comedic gold! Dive into this collection of 50 funny one-line jokes, and you’ll be tickled silly.

These aren’t just any jokes; they’re bite-sized bursts of joy, tailor-made to brighten your day in a flash.

So, go on, take a few moments to indulge in some humour therapy. After all, laughter is always the best medicine.

If you’re ready for a laughter spree, read on!

50 FUNNY ONE-LINE JOKES
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Funny One-Line Jokes (1-10):

  1. Welcome to the Assumption Club! I think we all know why we’re here.
  2. Remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
  3. The only thing flat-earthers must fear is sphere itself.
  4. A recent study showed that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren’t Happy.
  5. If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
  6. Am I getting older or is the supermarket finally playing great music?
  7. Runner accidentally shot with starting pistol! Police say it’s race-related.
  8. A massive swarm of flying insects has invaded our town. The Police have deployed a swat team.
  9. My teachers told me that I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic. Well, I’ve shown them how wrong they were because I’ve just won a prize for the vase I made.
  10. I’ve just bought a new gadget. It’s a GPS for Seniors. Not only does it tell me how to get to where I’m going, but it also reminds me when I get there, why I was going there in the first place.

Funny One-Line Jokes (11-20):

  1. Old age is like underwear. It creeps up on you.
  2. Do gun manuals have a troubleshooting section?
  3. What begins as a love triangle ends as wrecktangle.
  4. It’s a fact; butterflies are not what they used to be.
  5. I went to the Indian store to buy bread. They had Naan.
  6. To the thief who took my anti-depressants. I hope you’re happy now.
  7. If you’re pining for a good tree pun, it’s a pity they’re not more poplar.
  8. When you’re down by the sea and an eel bites your knee that’s a Moray.
  9. Let’s give a big shout-out to your fingers because you can always count on them.
  10. They said dance like no one was watching. So, I did, whilst on jury duty, and now I’ve been charged with Contempt of Court.

Funny One-Line Jokes (21-30):

  1. Taller people sleep longer in bed.
  2. I can do paper or plastic because i’m bisackual.
  3. What happens if two snails get into a fight? They slug it out.
  4. I had a dream about mufflers last night. I woke up exhausted.
  5. Puns about communism aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.
  6. Forklift operators hate puns. Apparently, they find them unpalletable.
  7. Thought for today: When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, do you become a vacuum cleaner?
  8. A Plumber’s truck has just passed me with the sign on it saying, “We repair what your husband fixed!
  9. I just saw a sign in my local optician’s window that says, “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
  10. There’s a sign in my local shoe repair store window that says, “We will heel you. We will save your sole. And we will even dye for you!

Funny One-Line Jokes (31-40):

  1. I’m looking to buy an old, disused lighthouse but nothing too flashy.
  2. In the front yard of a Funeral Home, it says, “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
  3. Don’t you just hate people who can’t let go of the past? Debt collectors are the worst.
  4. Someone broke into my house and stole all the fruit. Who would do that? I’m peachless!
  5. Sign on the back of Septic Tank Truck: “Caution! This truck is full of political promises.
  6. There are so many scams on the internet nowadays. Send me $50 and I’ll tell you how to avoid them.
  7. In my local restaurant window, it says, “Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.
  8. Question of the Day: Did the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” ever come up with any other memorable phrases?
  9. At the job interview, they asked me whether I could perform under pressure. I said, “No, but I’m willing to try Bohemian Rhapsody.”
  10. As a child, I didn’t care how I dressed, my parents dressed me. Looking through the old family photos, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.

Funny One-Line Jokes (41-50):

  1. It’s weird being the same age as old people.
  2. It’s irritating when people don’t know the difference between your and you’re. There so stupid.
  3. We come from dust, and to dust we will return. That’s why I don’t dust. It could be someone I know.
  4. I wasn’t my parents’ favourite child, but I was the first one they thought of whenever the police turned up.
  5. People say love is the best feeling, but I don’t agree. Surely, finding a toilet when you’ve got diarrhoea is a much better feeling?
  6. The older I get, the more I regret all the people I’ve lost over the years. Maybe being a trail guide wasn’t such a great idea after all.
  7. A friend of mine finally gathered enough courage to ask the supermarket cashier for a date. She said, “They’re in the fruits section next to the bananas.
  8. The job interviewer said, “It says in your resume that you went to Harvard University.” I smiled and said, “Yes! I was there for my cousin’s graduation.”
  9. A sign in bold type in the window at Sid’s Maintenance Shop said, “I CAN REPAIR ANYTHING!” Under that, it said, “Please Knock Hard. Doorbell Doesn’t Work.”
  10. I rang my local restaurant and asked, “Do you do takeaways?” A polite guy at the other end said, “Yes, we do!” Cheerfully, I responded, “That’s great! What’s 352 minus 97?”
Phil Sutton

Please share this post:

So did these funny one-line jokes prove to be as funny as you’d hoped?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read here, then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

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