humour

5 funny jokes you can tell your colleagues at the office

01/08/2026 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for some funny jokes you can tell your colleagues at an office party, then you’ve come to the right place, dear reader.

Today, I offer you five great jokes, and I’m confident you’ll enjoy them all.

So take a few moments for a little comic relief, and please feel free to pass them on to your friends.

Funny jokes you can tell your colleagues:

1. Buying a parrot:

Jerry’s wife decided she’d like a parrot for a pet as a birthday gift, and of course, she wanted one that could talk.

Naturally, Jerry knows it’s essential to keep his wife happy if he’s to have an easy life, but he doesn’t want to spend too much money on an exotic bird.

However, he hears about an auction where exotic birds are being traded, and he thinks this might be just the place to purchase a parrot at a reasonable price.

So Jerry arrives at the auction room and immediately spots a parrot with a reserve price of $100.

“That looks perfect,” he thinks.

So bidding starts, and they get to the $100 reserve price quickly, and bidding is with Jerry at the $100. He thinks the bird is his when suddenly a mystery bidder says $120.

Having the price pushed up at the last minute is an irritation, but Jerry is determined to get this bird for his wife.

So Jerry shouts, “$150!” But the mystery bidder then responds, “$200!”

Jerry is even more determined now, and he decides he’ll go on up to a maximum of $500. He thinks to himself, “If I can’t get it for that price, then I will just have to withdraw from the bidding.”

So Jerry and the mystery bidder continue their contest, and the price continues to soar until it reaches $500.

The auctioneer says, “Do I have any advance of $500? OK, fair warning. Going once…….”

It looks like Jerry’s got it at $500, and he waits with bated breath as the auctioneer says, “Going twice…..”

There’s no further bid from the mystery bidder.

“Sold!” says the auctioneer.

Jerry breathes a sigh of relief.

As he’s paying for the bird, Jerry says to the auctioneer, “I hope this parrot can talk. My wife would kill me if she knew I’ve paid this much money for a parrot only to find it can’t talk.”

The auctioneer smiles at Jerry as he says, “Yes, of course, he can talk. Who do you think was bidding against you?”

2. Get knotted:

Three strings walk into a bar.

The bartender takes one look at them and says, “Sorry, but no strings are allowed in here.”

With that, they’re all ejected from the bar.

One string gets an idea and ties a knot at one end. Then it returns to the bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender looks at this string suspiciously and then says, “Wait a minute, you’re a string.”

The string is promptly ejected from the bar again.

Whilst this is going on, the second string gets an idea. It frays one end and then goes back into that bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender is just about to serve the beer, but then says, “Wait a minute, you’re a string.“

With that, the second string is ejected.

Whilst all this has been going on, the third string has had time to really think about the best solution.

As the second string is being ejected, the third string frays both ends and then ties itself into a large knot. It then walks back into the bar and requests a beer.

The bartender gets the beer, but he’s still a little suspicious. He looks closely and then asks, “Are you sure you’re not a string?“

The third string looks him in the eye and then says, “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”

3. Pelican’s bill:

A pelican walks into a bar and sits down.

“What can I get you?” the bartender asks.

“I’ll have a Jack Daniel’s on the rocks,” the pelican responds.

The bartender serves the drink, and the pelican strikes up a conversation with others sitting at the counter.

Half an hour later, the pelican, suitably refreshed, gets up, ready to leave.

“That’ll be $6.50,” says the bartender. “How will you pay? Cash or card?”

Looking slightly embarrassed, the pelican hands over a $100 note and then says, “Sorry for the big bill!“

4. The bank robbery:

A man with a shotgun and a scarf covering the lower half of his face bursts into a branch of Bank of America.

“Freeze! No one move,” he shouts.

He hands a large leather bag to a teller and says, “Fill it with cash, and you won’t get hurt.”

The teller complies with his demand, but as he grabs the cash-filled bag from her, the scarf slips briefly to reveal his face. Quickly, he pulls it back into position.

However, panicked that a witness may have seen his face, he starts interrogating the customers.

Pointing his gun at a couple standing nearby, the bank robber growls at the man, “Did you see my face? Because if you did, I would shoot you dead!”

“No, I didn’t see your face,” the man says hesitantly.

“Are you sure?” says the bank robber.

“Absolutely,” says the man, “but I’m fairly certain my wife got a good look at you.”

5. The lawyer at the Pearly Gates:

A lawyer dies and finds himself standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St Peter.

St Peter looks at him and then says, “You’re a lawyer. I’m afraid you cannot enter here. There’s a place down below reserved for you.”

However, using all his courtroom know-how the lawyer pleads his case until eventually, St Peter agrees to reconsider.

“OK this is what I’ll do”, says St Peter. “You’ll spend the same amount of time in Hell as you did on Earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here in heaven.”

“Fair enough,” the lawyer responds.

“Right then,” says St Peter, “we’ll see you again in three hundred and seventy-five years.”

“Just a minute St Peter, what do you mean by three hundred and seventy-five years?” says the lawyer. “I’m only sixty-two!”

“Yes, I know that,” says St Peter, “but up here we go by billing hours.”

Please share the fun:

I hope you found these funny jokes you can tell your colleagues as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh? If so, click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today, then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

So go on, please do it now. I will be ever so grateful.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

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Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, fun, funny, funny jokes, funny jokes you can tell your colleagues, Hilarious, humor, humour, jokes, Laugh, Really funny jokes

5 humorous story jokes to brighten your day

01/06/2026 by Roy Sutton

If you enjoy humorous story jokes, then these five might just raise a smile.

They all tickled me, and I hope you’ll enjoy them too, dear reader.

And please, feel free to pass them on to your friends

Humorous story jokes:

1. The lawyer:

A wealthy New York lawyer is riding home in the back of a chauffeur-driven limousine after another lucrative day in the justice system.

As the limousine begins to gather pace along Central Park West, the lawyer notices two homeless men sitting on the ground in Central Park eating the grass.

The lawyer asks his driver to pull over, and he lowers the window and shouts to the men.

“Hey, guys,” shouts the lawyer, “why are you eating the grass?”

“We have no money to buy food, and we’re hungry,” the first man responds.

“You don’t have to eat in the middle of the park,” says the lawyer, benevolently. “You can come over to my place.”

“But sir, we’re not alone,” said the second man. “Those two homeless guys over there are with us.”

“That’s fine,” the lawyer responds. “Hop into my car, and you can all eat at my place.”

So the homeless men all climb into the limousine, and off they go to the lawyer’s house.

As the car picks up speed, the first homeless man says, “Sir, this is very kind of you.”

“Don’t mention it,” says the lawyer. “You’ll love my place; the garden’s enormous, and the grass is a foot high.”

2. The police officer and the priest:

Police officer Danny Malone pulls over a Catholic priest for driving erratically and swerving all over the road.

Officer Malone gets out of his police car, and as he approaches the window of the priest’s car, he notices what looks like a bottle of wine in a brown bag on the passenger seat next to the priest.

Suspicious that he may have a DUI violation on his hands, Officer Malone says, “Father, I pulled you over for driving erratically and swerving back there. You haven’t been drinking, have you?“

“No, my son, I haven’t,” the priest responds. “Why would you ask me that?“

“Well, you were swerving all over the road and struggling to control your vehicle,” says Officer Malone. “And now I can see you have a bottle on the seat next to you.“

“Oh my son,” the priest responds. “That’s just holy water.”

“So why is it in a brown bag, Father?” Officer Malone inquires.

“To protect it from the sun’s rays, my son,” the priest responds

“Really?” says Officer Malone. “Would you mind if I take a sip then, Father?”

“Not at all, my son,” the priest responds. “Go ahead.”

Officer Malone takes the bottle from the priest and puts it to his lips. He takes a little sip and immediately spits it out on the ground.

“Father, this is wine!” exclaims Officer Malone.

“Praise the Lord!” the priest responds. “He’s done it again!”

3. Think laterally:

Zak is an old farmer down on his luck.

He’s been struggling to maintain his farm on his own since his son, Jack, was sent to jail.

One day, Zak writes to Jack in jail to let him know he’s struggling, and he writes the following: –

Dear Jack, I just wanted to let you know that this year I won’t be able to plant potatoes in the field. I’m just getting too old now, and I can’t dig the field by myself. I know if you were here, you’d help me.

Naturally, Jack doesn’t want his father to experience any more trouble, so he quickly writes a letter back to him.

Dear Dad, Please don’t even think about digging in that field because that’s where I buried the money I stole from the bank.

Well, when you’re in prison, the authorities read the content of your letters before they go out in the mail.

So, it’s not long before the police show up at the farm and turn over the entire field in search of the stolen money. However, they don’t find anything.

A couple of days later, Zak receives another letter from his son.

Dear Dad, Now that the field’s been dug over, you should be able to go ahead and plant the potatoes. That’s the best I could do to help from here.

4. The hangover:

Following a very heavy night out with his buddies, Jerry wakes up at home the following morning with the mother of all hangovers.

His head is banging, and as he forces his eyes to open, he sees a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the bedside table waiting for him.

He sits up in bed, and then he notices his clothing in front of him, all clean and freshly pressed.

Jerry looks around the room and sees that everything’s in perfect order and spotlessly clean.

He wanders downstairs with the glass of water and aspirin still in his hand, and he notices a note on the living room coffee table, which reads, “Honey, breakfast is on the stove; I left early to go shopping. Love you.”

Jerry walks into the kitchen, and sure enough, there’s a hot breakfast waiting for him, as well as the morning newspaper.

His son is sitting at the kitchen table, eating his breakfast.

“Son, do you know what happened last night?” Jerry inquires.

“Yes, I do,” his son responds. “You came home after 3 a.m. You were drunk out of your mind, and you could barely stand.”

“Really?” says Jerry.

“Yes, really!” said his son. “You also broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

At this point, Jerry is feeling a bit confused.

He thinks momentarily and then asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

“Oh, that?” says his son. “Well, when Mom dragged you to the bedroom and tried to undress you, you just kept shouting, ‘Lady, leave me alone, I’m married.'”

5. Judge not lest ye be judged:

A Wall Street investment banker walks into a Manhattan bar, and as he’s standing at the counter, he notices an elderly lady sitting quietly in the corner.

Except for this lady, the bar is full of men relaxing and enjoying a drink after a lucrative day’s trading on the financial markets.

Well, the banker’s feeling good, having just closed on a major, multi-million-dollar deal that included a sizeable commission for him.

So, he says to the bartender, “Buddy, I’m buying drinks for everyone, except that old woman over there.”

The bartender looks a little uncomfortable with this blatant sexism, but business is business, so he takes the banker’s money and proceeds to serve the drinks.

The banker looks across at the woman and raises his glass with a smirk on his face. However, she just smiles and says graciously, “Thank you, sir.”

This just irritates the banker, so he immediately orders another round of drinks for everyone, except the elderly lady.

Again, the bartender looks a little uncomfortable, but the drinks are served, and the banker’s money is gratefully taken.

Once again, the banker looks across at the woman and raises his glass with a smirk on his face. However, again, she just smiles and says graciously, “Thank you, sir.”

This just irritates the banker even more, so after a few minutes, he orders yet another round of drinks as well as food for everyone, except the elderly lady.

Again, the bartender looks uncomfortable, but the drinks and the food are served, and the banker’s money is taken.

Thinking now he must have made his point, the banker looks across at the woman again and raises his glass with a smirk on his face. However, again, she just smiles and says graciously, “Thank you, sir.”

“What’s wrong with that old woman?” the banker asks the bartender. “I’ve just bought three rounds of drinks, as well as food for everyone, except for her, and instead of getting angry, she just smiles and thanks me. Is she stupid?“

“No, sir, she’s not stupid,” the bartender responds with a smile. “That’s Mrs O’Malley. She owns this bar.”

Moral of the Story: If you must judge people, do so with great care.

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Share the fun, and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

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Thank you for your support, dear reader.

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7 inspirational quotes about humor to make you think

01/06/2026 by Roy Sutton

Today I am exploring quotes about humor.

Humor is the most powerful medicine known to man [and woman, of course].

Humor is a cure for so many ills. It doesn’t matter how bad you feel; a good laugh can really make you feel so much better.

In all humor there is an underlying germ of truth. It is poking fun at the truth that makes us laugh.

However, for those on the receiving end, humor can sometimes hurt. Having a good laugh at someone else’s expense can only ever be acceptable if they can see the funny side too.

So be careful with your attempts at humor. Be kind and mindful of other people’s sensibilities.

Banter and mild leg-pulling are fine, but overdo it, and it can quickly turn into bullying. And that’s really not very nice, is it?

So, have a good laugh whenever possible. However, make sure someone else doesn’t have to pay an unacceptable price for your laughter.

Here are seven inspirational quotes about humor to reinforce today’s message.

Quotes About Humor:

A day without laughter is a day wasted. ~Charlie Chaplin
Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else. ~Will Rogers
There’s a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. ~Erma Bombeck
I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person. ~Audrey Hepburn
I realize that humor isn’t for everyone. It’s only for people who want to have fun, enjoy life, and feel alive. ~Anne Wilson Schaef
Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keeps friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment. ~Grenville Kleiser
Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else’s expense. And I find that that’s just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else’s feelings. ~Ellen DeGeneres

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Thank you.

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4 funny long story jokes to raise a smile

01/05/2026 by Roy Sutton

Here are four funny long story jokes to brighten your day. They all tickled me, and I hope they make you smile too.

Enjoy them all, and please feel free to pass them on.

Funny long story jokes:

1. Getting older:

Jean, Ethel and Mildred are three elderly ladies chatting about the challenges of getting older.

“I think 60 is the worst age to be,” said 60-year-old, Jean. “You always feel like you need to pee. And most of the time nothing happens.”

“Ah, that’s nothing,” said 70-year-old, Ethel. “When you’re 70, you don’t seem to have bowel movements anymore. You take laxatives, you eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and yet nothing ever happens.”

“Actually, I can tell you from experience, 80 is the worst age of all,” said 80-year-old, Mildred.

“Do you have trouble peeing, too, Mildred?” asked Jean.

“No,” said Mildred. “I pee every morning at 6 am, and I pee like a racehorse. That’s no problem at all.”

“Well, how about your bowel movements, Mildred?” Ethel inquired. “Do you have any problems with them?”

“No,” Mildred responded. “I have a bowel movement every morning at 6.30 am, as regular as clockwork.”

Jean and Ethel exchanged puzzled glances before Jean said, “Now let me get this straight, Mildred. You pee at 6 am and poop at 6.30 am? So what’s so hard about being 80?”

Mildred frowned before she said, “I never wake up before 7 am.”

2. The mechanic’s skills:

Jeff was a mechanic working in his workshop, repairing a Harley Davidson motorcycle for one of his regular clients, who was a heart surgeon.

Jeff was just replacing the cylinder head on the bike when Dr Corker, his client, arrived to check up on progress.

“Hey doc,” said Jeff. “The bike’s almost ready for you but can I ask you a question first?”

“Yeah, sure Jeff,” said the heart surgeon. “How can I help you?”

“Doc, take a look at this motorcycle engine,” said Jeff. “I can open its heart. I can take the valves out. And I can fix those valves and put them back in again. And when I’ve finished, this engine works like it’s brand new.”

“So, what’s your question, Jeff?” Dr Corker responded.

“Well doc,” said Jeff, “my question is, how come I earn a small salary and yet you earn a very large one? Essentially, don’t we just do the same work? How come we don’t earn the same?”

Dr Corker thought about the question momentarily, then smiled at Jeff and said, “Try doing it with the engine running.”

3. On safari:

Jim and Irene were on holiday in Africa, and they’d taken Irene’s mother with them.

Now Jim’s mother-in-law could be a bit of a battle-axe, to say the least, but she’d recently lost her husband, so Jim accepted that this was the decent thing to do.

Anyway, they’d been on safari for a few days, when one morning Irene woke up to find her mother missing.

In a state of panic, she woke Jim, and they both went out to look for her!

Suddenly, they come to a clearing, where they find Jim’s mother-in-law, facing down a ferocious lion, eye-to-eye.

“Quick, darling, do something!” screamed Irene.

“You’ve got to be joking!” said Jim. “The lion got himself into this mess; he can deal with it himself.”

4. Taking Sunday off:

It was a beautiful Sunday morning and absolutely perfect weather for a game of golf.

Being a golf fanatic, Father O’Driscoll couldn’t resist the lure of links, and he decided he’d skip mass and head out to his favourite country club.

Naturally, Father O’Driscoll spoke with his curate, excused himself by saying he was unwell, and explained that he wouldn’t be able to take mass today.

He then got in his car and drove out to the country club, which was in a neighbouring town.

When Father O’Driscoll teed off on the first hole, a huge gust of wind caught his ball, carrying it another hundred yards and dropping it right into the hole.

Father O’Driscoll was absolutely ecstatic. After all, it was a 450-yard hole-in-one. Amazing! The first time he’d ever achieved that Holy Grail for golfers.

Now God and Saint Peter were watching Father O’Driscoll from above.

Saint Peter gave God a puzzled look and then asked, “Why have you rewarded his behaviour with a hole-in-one?”

“Is it a reward or a punishment?” God asked. “After all, who’s he going to tell?”

Please share with your friends:

So dear reader, did you enjoy these funny long-story jokes? Was this post worth a little piece of your time? I do hope so.

If you did enjoy this post, then please share it with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

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Thank you.

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35 stupid jokes that are funny

01/05/2026 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for stupid jokes that are funny, dear reader, then take a look at the 35 I’ve collected for you today.

Yes, they are corny. Yes, they are stupid. However, I’m confident that at least a few of them will raise a smile.

So, grab a coffee, relax, and take a few moments to enjoy them all.

And please, feel free to pass them on.

Stupid jokes that are funny (1-10):

I, for one, like Roman numerals.
How do you start a pudding race? Say go!
I used to hate facial hair, but it grew on me.
What is hairy and coughs? A coconut with a cold.
What is the most unreliable diner? A fickle onion.
Why did the pickle miss work? Because it was dill.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!
What food can you eat in a taxi? Corn on the cab.
What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!
What did the plate say to the diner? Lunch is on me.

Stupid jokes that are funny (11-20):

I used to play the piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed!
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged!
Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted!
Why don’t eggs tell each other jokes? They might crack up!
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.
How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut!
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because it felt crummy!
Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts!
Why did the chicken go to the seance? To talk to the other side!

Stupid jokes that are funny (21-30):

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop, but it was sole destroying.
Why did the sandwich go to the dentist? Because it needed a filling.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems!
Why was the belt arrested? Because it was holding up a pair of pants!
Why don’t Melons run away to get married? Because they cantaloupe.
Why did the lazy grape stomper get fired? For sitting down on the job.
What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman!
Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the casino? Because he was on a roll.
What is yellow, brown, and hairy? Cheese on toast dropped on the carpet.

Stupid jokes that are funny (31-35):

I was going to tell a time-travelling joke, but you didn’t think it was funny.
I used to be a watchmaker. It was a great job, and I made my own hours.
Why are hamburgers better than hot dogs? Because hot dogs are the wurst.
Why did the guy put his money in a blender? Because he needed to liquidate his assets!
I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids. In one ear, out the other.

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If any of these stupid jokes that are funny actually made you smile, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. So, it’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share now.

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25 silly jokes for kids and some adults too

01/03/2026 by Roy Sutton

Looking for some silly jokes for kids, dear reader?

Well, if you are a younger reader, I’m confident that you might enjoy a few of these silly jokes on offer today. You might enjoy telling them to your friends too.

Then again, perhaps you’re an adult looking for a few jokes to share with your children. Some of these might just do the trick.

Whatever your age, I hope you enjoy them all.

And if you do enjoy them, please pass them on.

Silly Jokes for Kids (1 – 10):

What do you call a surgeon with eight arms?
A doctorpus

What goes cloppity-clip?
A horse walking backwards

What’s pointed in one direction and headed in the other?
A pin

What do you call a bike that keeps biting people?
A vicious cycle

What do you call a Yeti in a classic British red telephone box?
Stuck

What do you call a watch in the 25th Century?
Future-wrist-tic

What do you call a pig in a butcher’s shop?
A pork chop

What do you call a bee born in May?
A maybe

What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra-cholesterol

What do you call it when a chicken sees a salad?
Chicken Caesar salad

Silly Jokes for Kids (11 – 20):

What’s an inkling?
A baby fountain pen

What’s green and fluffy?
A seasick poodle

What can you hold without ever touching it?
A conversation

What do you call a Scottish parrot?
A Macaw

What do you call an elephant that mutters?
A mumbo jumbo

What do you call a pickle that draws?
A dillustrator

What do you call someone who steals pigs?
A hamburglar

What do you call a tree that fits into your hand?
A palm

What do you call an old volcano?
A blast from the past

What’s the best way to stop your food from going off?
Eat it

Silly Jokes for Kids (21 – 25):

What do you call a man who catches bluebottles with a fishing rod?
A fly fisherman

What lies in the forest, a hundred feet up in the air?
A dead centipede

What goes up but doesn’t come down?
Your age

How many sides does a barrel have?
Two. Inside and outside

How many people are buried in a cemetery?
All of them

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So did these silly jokes for kids prove to be as hilariously funny as you’d hoped, dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read, please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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40 what do you call jokes that are corny but fun

01/02/2026 by Roy Sutton

Looking for some “what do you call jokes,” dear reader?

Those wordplay jokes that are always corny but still make you smile.

I love them, I must say. So, I’ve curated 40 of them just for you.

Why not grab a coffee and then take a few minutes to enjoy them all?

And please feel free to pass them on to your friends and loved ones.

What do you call jokes (1-10):

What do you call a dinosaur that’s sleeping?
A dino-snore!

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh!

What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?
An abdominal snowman!

What do you call a pig that knows karate?
Pork chop!

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No-eye deer!

What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta!

What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom!

What do you call a guy who can’t flip pancakes?
A flippin’ failure!

What do you call jokes (11-20):

What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
A can’t opener!

What do you call a bear with no socks on?
Barefoot!

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?
A maybee!

What do you call a snake that tells jokes?
Hisssterical!

What do you call a computer that sings?
A Dell!

What do you call a cow that’s just given birth?
Decalfinated!

What do you call a pile of cats?
A meowtain!

What do you call a group of musical whales?
An orca-stra!

What do you call a dog magician?
A labracadabrador!

What do you call a snowman who’s been sunbathing?
A puddle!

What do you call jokes (21-30):

What do you call a dinosaur with a knowledge of words?
Thesaurus Rex!

What do you call a bear with no ear?
B!

What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
A chicken sees-a-salad!

What do you call a cat that can play the guitar?
Kitty Perry!

What do you call a pencil that can tell wordplay jokes?
A pun-cil!

What do you call a bear that’s caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear!

What do you call a cat that likes to eat lemons?
A sourpuss!

What do you call a donkey with a PhD?
A smart ass!

What do you call a tree with a lot of money?
A cashew tree!

What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese!

What do you call jokes (31-40):

What do you call a snobbish criminal going downstairs?
A condescending con descending!

What do you call a bear that loves to dance?
A groovy bear!

What do you call a cat that loves bowling?
An alley cat!

What do you call a happy cowboy?
A jolly rancher!

What do you call a pile of cats falling over?
A catastrophe!

What do you call a sheep that doesn’t have any money?
Poor ewe!

What do you call a cat that plays the piano?
A meow-sician!

What do you call a tree with a podcast?
An audio-branch!

What do you call a bird that’s afraid to fly?
Chicken!

What do you call a group of cows playing in a band?
A moo-sical ensemble!

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A joke that will make anyone laugh – Here are 4 contenders.

12/26/2025 by Roy Sutton

If you’re searching for a joke that will make anyone laugh, dear reader, then this is the right place. There are some great jokes here, but the question is, could one of these be a contender? You tell me!

The joke that will make anyone laugh?

1. The Billionaire and his young bride:

Jed was an octogenarian Texan billionaire who’d made his fortune in the oil industry.

Now, being a very wealthy man, he’d always attracted interest from women of every age.

One day, when he was judging a local beauty pageant, he met the very beautiful and youthful Lucinda.

Well, Jed and Lucinda hit it off immediately, and within weeks, they were married.

On his wedding night, Jed explained to Lucinda that his only wish when he died was for all his wealth to be buried with him.

Naturally, Lucinda agreed to his wish without question.

Sadly, after a couple of months of blissful married life with Lucinda, Jed passed away suddenly of a heart attack.

At the funeral, a tearful Lucinda walked up to the casket with an envelope in her hand. She then solemnly placed the envelope in the casket with her late husband.

As the priest looked on, he said to her, “What’s in the envelope, my child?”

“It was my husband’s final wish,” Lucinda responds. “He said he wanted to be buried with all his wealth.”

Looking slightly confused, the priest said, “My dear, your husband was a billionaire, so how could all his wealth be in an envelope?”

“Well,” Lucinda replied, “there was so much money in his bank account that I knew it wouldn’t all go in the casket. So, I transferred it all to my account, and I’ve written him a check.”

2. Bill and the rabbit:

Bill was driving along the road one night when he suddenly saw a rabbit in his headlights.

He tried to swerve to miss this cute, long-eared mammal, but as luck would have it, the rabbit moved in the same direction, and Bill ran over it.

Being both sensitive and an animal lover, Bill was very upset by this accident, and he pulled over to see if there was anything he could do.

He picked the rabbit up, but to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. Bill felt so distressed by this experience that he started weeping helplessly.

At this moment, a lady came by in her car, and she could see that Bill was upset.

She pulled over and got out of her car.

“Hello, I’m Jane,” she said. “What’s troubling you?”

Bill explained what had happened as he continued to sob uncontrollably.

Jane smiled and said, “Don’t worry. I’ve got something that will help.”

She went back to her car and returned with a spray can.

She then sprayed the rabbit all over with the contents of the can, and within minutes, the rabbit woke up and jumped from Bill’s arms and hopped off into an adjacent field, waving to them as it went.

Bill was ever so grateful, and he couldn’t thank Jane enough.

“Wow,” he said. “What was in that can?”

Jane handed him the can, and on the label it said, HAIR SPRAY. RESTORES LIFE IN DEAD HAIR

3. The smartest person in the room:

An art teacher, a math teacher, and a science teacher are all arguing about which one of them is the smartest.

“That’s got to be me,” says the art teacher.

With that, he brings out an exact copy of the Mona Lisa he’d painted.

“This took me a month to paint, and the detail is so exact that it proves I’m the smartest,” the art teacher continues.

“Well, that’s nothing,” the math teacher responds.

She then brings out a large notebook in which she’d solved fifty third-order differential equations by hand.

“These are incredibly complex equations, and most people would have to use a computer to solve them,” says the math teacher. “I solved them all by hand in a month, and this proves I’m the smartest.”

“Don’t make me laugh,” the science teacher responds.

She then brings out a robot she’s built.

“This robot can clean the house, wash the dishes, walk the dog, and wash the car,” she says. “It took me just one month to build this bad boy, so please, a little respect here.“

Listening to their conversation is the gym teacher, who begins to laugh uncontrollably.

“You’re all idiots,” he says. “I think you’ll find I’m the smartest one here.”

“Really?” says the science teacher. “And how did you reach that conclusion?”

“Because I didn’t have to do any of that stuff, and yet I get paid the same as you,” the gym teacher responds with a smile.

4. The sad passing of Forest Gump:

Sadly, Forest Gump passed away, and he’s standing in front of St Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Welcome to Heaven, Forest,” says St Peter. “I’ve heard a lot about you.“

They exchange a few pleasantries, and then St Peter says, “Look, Forrest, I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but there have been a lot of deaths this year, and Heaven is getting a bit crowded now. So we have a new system that requires me to give everyone an entrance examination before they can be admitted through the Pearly Gates.“

“Really?” says Forest. “I hope it’s not too hard. My momma used to say, ‘Life is like a final exam. It’s hard.’ So I thought I’d already had the test.”

“Yes, Forest, I know,” says St Peter. “However, this test is just three questions. And the first question is, “Which two days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?“

“Well, sir,” Forest responds, “that’s easy; it’s today and tomorrow.“

Looking slightly surprised, St Peter says, “Well, that wasn’t quite what I had in mind, but you do have a fair point, so I’ll give you credit for that answer.”

Forest smiled and said, “So what’s the next one?”

“This one’s more of a challenge,” says St Peter. “How many seconds are there in a year?”

“That’s easy too,” says Forest. “There are twelve seconds in a year.”

“Twelve?” exclaims St Peter, looking surprised and more than a little confused. “How did you work that out?”

“Well, there’s January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, all the way through to December 2nd,” says Forest. “That’s twelve.”

“Oh, I see what you mean,” says St Peter. “You do have a point, so I’ll have to give you credit for that one, too.“

“So, what’s the third question?” asks Forest.

“My third question,” St Peter responds. “What’s God’s first name?”

“What’s God’s first name?” Forest reacts as he thinks momentarily. “It’s Andy.“

“Andy?” exclaimed St Peter, in complete shock. “How did you work that out?“

“Well, sir, I learned it in church. It was mentioned in the hymns we used to sing,” says Forest. With that, he began to sing, “Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own loving son.“

St Peter smiles benevolently, opens the gates to Heaven, and then shouts, “Run, Forest, Run!“

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If they did make you laugh, please consider sharing this post on social media with your friends.

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Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

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Thank you.

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33 irony and sarcasm quotes that subtly convey contempt

12/20/2025 by Roy Sutton

People can be challenging at times, can’t they? Sometimes they do get too much, I’m sure you’ll agree. So there are times when we all need to use a little irony and sarcasm to subtly convey our contempt.

We can’t live without people, of course, but they can drive us all nuts at times, can’t they? Well, maybe that’s just me.

I love people. At least, most of the time, anyway.

However, I also like to have my little stock of sarcastic remarks, retorts, and put-downs ready to use when I need them. And occasionally, we all need them, surely?

So today I thought I’d share with you 33 irony and sarcasm quotes that subtly convey contempt.

Read them. Enjoy them. And I hope at least some of them make you smile.

And if you’re ever in a situation that warrants a biting comeback, then you’ll be well-prepared. I hope so anyway.

Irony and Sarcasm:

You go, girl! And please don’t come back.
I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
Those who laugh last think slowest.
Nothing gives me greater pleasure than your absence.
It’s obvious that in your profession, being stupid is not a handicap.
Look, I’m really busy right now. Can I ignore you some other time?
Is being stupid your profession, or are you simply gifted that way?
If you’re ever given the keys to the city, then the city will need to change the locks.
How is it that when you see light at the end of the tunnel, they always manage to extend the tunnel?
If ignorance is bliss then you should be the happiest guy on the planet.
To err is human but to blame it on others, now that’s the art of politics.
I’d say something polite but that might encourage you to hang around and that would be more than I could bear today.
They said this was a job anyone could do and now I’ve met you, I know that to be true.
You’re living proof that inability is not necessarily a liability in the job market.
I didn’t vote for you, I voted to stop your opponent from gaining power.
Sorry for the pause but I was trying to imagine you with a personality.
When you say something worth hearing I’ll listen but I doubt that’ll happen any time soon.
Look I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you. You’ve got to do some of the heavy lifting yourself.
Did my opinion offend you? You should hear the opinions I keep to myself.
I do try to see things from your point of view but your point of view is so stupid.
If what I said is a problem for you then perhaps you could write it down on a piece of paper and then shove that piece of paper right up your ass.
You’re reading that book to look good, surely? Certainly, as far as I can tell, you lack the brains to understand it.
You’re one of those people who manage to spread a little misery wherever you go.
I’d enlighten you if I could but I’m not a magician.
You’re living proof that light travels faster than sound. You appeared quite bright until I heard what you said.
It wasn’t my intention to offend you when I called you stupid. I just assumed you knew that already.
Are you really that stingy or do you just have extremely short arms and very deep pockets?
If laughter is the best medicine then your face is the cure for every illness known to man.
I’m not listening but please keep talking. Why wouldn’t I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed?
Not all girls are made from sugar and spice and everything nice. Some are made from sarcasm and wine and everything fine.
You may lack the power of conversation but unfortunately, you don’t lack the power of speech.
If it looked like I give a damn then allow me to apologize for giving you the wrong impression.
I’m not sarcastic by nature; I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.

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60 witty one-liners on attitude to make you smile

12/20/2025 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for some witty one-liners on attitude, then I’m confident that you might enjoy a few of these here.

Attitude is a little word that has a big impact on all our lives.

A positive attitude beats a negative one if your aim is to get along with other people.

However, sometimes you have to put on your crown and let other people know who is king or queen.

It doesn’t do to be too agreeable, in my experience. That said, as with all things in life, some balance is essential.

So take five minutes to enjoy these witty one-liners and then please feel free to pass them on.

Witty one-liners on attitude (1-15):

I’m too glam to give a damn!
Life? Don’t talk to me about life!
It’s my life, so I’ll live it my way.
Well, this is not the life I had in mind.
I’m so poor, I can’t even pay attention.
An ounce of action beats a ton of theory.
Life would be tragic if it wasn’t so funny.
I’m not special but I am a limited edition.
I’m me. If that’s a problem for you, tough!
Haters beware. You’re my biggest motivator.
What you think is what you think. Who cares?
Nothing is interesting if you’re not interested.
A bad experience is not the same as a bad life.
If winning isn’t everything, why do we keep score?
Life’s like ice cream. To be enjoyed before it melts.

Witty one-liners on attitude (16-30):

Which part of I DON’T CARE don’t you understand?
Is it just me or is the world run by complete idiots?
Life’s far too short to be drinking poor quality wine.
Fight the system by all means but it will always win.
Don’t take life too seriously. You won’t get out alive.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Life’s a bitch and then you die. That’s all there is to it.
If it wasn’t for my dog, no one would understand me.
Be like a stamp. Stick to your goal until you get there.
If you think I’m irritating now, wait till you see my bad side.
I could give up every vice, but would life still be worth living?
I don’t need your attitude. I’ve got one of my own, thank you.
Research is what I’m doing when I don’t know what I’m doing.
Just because it matters to you, don’t assume it matters to me too.
You may disapprove of my choices but who are you to judge anyway?

Witty one-liners on attitude (31-45):

Follow your heart but make sure you take your brain with you.
My goal this year was to lose 10 pounds. I’ve just got 13 to go now.
Only those who really care about you can hear you when you’re quiet.
I thought I’d found the key to success, but someone’s changed the lock.
People don’t necessarily change. Sometimes it’s just their mask slipping.
Growing up, did anyone dream of becoming a Health & Safety Inspector?
If you think I’m sarcastic, it’s a good job you never hear what I don’t say.
Minds are like parachutes. They can only function properly if they’re open.
If you don’t know how to thank me, I can tell you now, money works best.
Some people say that nothing’s impossible and yet, I do nothing every day.
The problem’s not the problem. The problem’s your attitude to the problem.
If you have an opinion about my attitude, raise your hand. Now put it in your mouth.
Don’t mistake my efficiency for any desire you think I may have to do your job too.
Yesterday I did nothing and today, I need to finish what I was doing yesterday.
If a woman says to a man, “Do what you want,” the man would be unwise to follow her advice.

Witty one-liners on attitude (45-60):

If you’re caught doing something you shouldn’t have been doing, then just act daft.
Regardless of what you may think, I wasn’t put on this earth just to make you happy.
You may think you’re important but that doesn’t mean everyone else agrees with you.
I thought my mood couldn’t get any worse today, and then my boss gave me more work.
Why is it that when the only tool I have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail?
Happiness is when you marry for love and then you realise they’ve got loads of money too.
Being powerful is like being a gentleman, if you have to tell people you are then you aren’t.
I don’t hate you. I’d unplug your life support to recharge my phone but I don’t hate you.
If you’re wondering whether I’m free tomorrow, I’ll tell you now I’m likely to be very expensive.
Work hard eight hours a day and, one day, you could be the boss working twelve hours a day.
This morning I was told to check my attitude. I have and it’s still there. So, what’s the problem?
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality depends on me. My attitude depends on you.
I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude but I fail to see why that’s my problem.
A positive attitude will not solve every problem but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
I didn’t realise how rough my neighbourhood was until I bought an advent calendar and half the windows were boarded up.

Did any of these witty one-liners on attitude make you smile, dear reader? I hope so. And if they did, please share this post with your friends on social media.

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Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, dark quotes, fun, funny, funny witty quotes, humor, humour, jokes, Life, quotes, smile, witty one liners, witty one-liners on attitude

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Stupid jokes that are funny (11-20):

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Stupid jokes that are funny (31-35):

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Silly Jokes for Kids (1 – 10):

Silly Jokes for Kids (11 – 20):

Silly Jokes for Kids (21 – 25):

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What do you call jokes (11-20):

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What do you call jokes (31-40):

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The joke that will make anyone laugh?

1. The Billionaire and his young bride:

2. Bill and the rabbit:

3. The smartest person in the room:

4. The sad passing of Forest Gump:

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Irony and Sarcasm:

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Witty one-liners on attitude (1-15):

Witty one-liners on attitude (16-30):

Witty one-liners on attitude (31-45):

Witty one-liners on attitude (45-60):

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