15 Quotes by Milton Berle that are sharp and funny

02/15/2025 by

Today I thought it would be interesting to explore some of the many amusing quotes by Milton Berle.

Sadly, he’s no longer with us, but Milton Berle was a comedian and actor from the golden age of American television.

He’s generally regarded as the first major American television star, and he was known to millions as Uncle Miltie and Mr Television.

Younger readers probably won’t remember him, or possibly even heard of him, but he was funny and very sharp.

To prove the point, here are 15 quotes by Milton Berle.

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Quotes by Milton Berle

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.

They’ve finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor’s sixth husband. I know what I’m supposed to do, but I don’t know how to make it interesting.

Experience is what you have after you’ve forgotten her name.

Money can’t buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don’t try to run her life, and I don’t try to run mine.

The problem with life is that by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

It’s rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.

A man falls down a flight of stairs, and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!

This man’s wife told him, “For Christmas, surprise me.” On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, “Boo!”

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Humorous Quotes by American Comedians

11/18/2024 by

A Collection of Witty One-Liners

This blog post explores the essence of comedy and humorous quotes by American comedians. In my opinion, American comedy is among the very best you’ll find anywhere.

Laughter is a universal language that brings people together. American comedians have a special talent for crafting witty observations that make us chuckle and think. Their clever quips often reveal truths about life, society, and human nature.

Funny quotes from comedians can brighten our day and offer a fresh perspective on the world around us.

From classic one-liners to longer bits of wisdom, these humorous remarks showcase the unique voices of America’s top jokesters. Their words can make us smile, nod in agreement, or see things in a new light.

This collection of 50 amusing quotes spans different eras and styles of comedy.

It features both timeless gems and contemporary zingers that reflect our current culture. Whether you’re looking for a good laugh or some lighthearted insight, these comedic nuggets are sure to deliver.

The Essence of Comedy in American Culture

Comedy plays a vital role in American society. It brings people together through shared laughter and helps us cope with life’s challenges.

American humor often reflects the nation’s diverse cultural landscape. Comedians draw inspiration from everyday experiences, current events, and social issues.

Wit and wordplay are key elements of American comedy.

Funny quotes from comedians like W.C. Fields showcase this clever use of language.

Laughter is seen as a universal language that bridges divides. It promotes happiness and can even have health benefits.

Jokes in American culture often poke fun at societal norms and human quirks. This self-deprecating humor allows people to laugh at themselves and their circumstances.

American comedians use various styles to elicit laughter:

  • Observational humor
  • Sarcasm and irony
  • Physical comedy
  • Impersonations
  • Satire

Comedy also serves as a form of social commentary. It can highlight important issues in a way that’s both entertaining and thought-provoking.

Many famous comedians have left lasting impacts on American culture through their unique perspectives and memorable one-liners.

The ability to find humor in life’s ups and downs is highly valued in American society. It’s seen as a sign of resilience and a positive outlook.

Comedic Commentary on Life

Life’s ups and downs provide endless material for comedians. Their witty observations help us laugh at everyday struggles.

On marriage, Rodney Dangerfield quipped, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” This humorous take on relationships resonates with many couples.

Comedians often share wisdom through humor. Steven Wright noted, “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” His simple yet profound observation makes people think while they laugh.

Self-esteem and body image are common targets. Phyllis Diller joked, “I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.” This quip about middle age and exercise hits home for many.

Insomnia gets its share of laughs too. Comedian Mike Birbiglia said, “I’m not afraid of death. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

These comedians use humor to shed light on life’s challenges. Their jokes help us see things from new perspectives and find laughter in unexpected places.

Pioneers of Humor

American comedy has been shaped by talented individuals who mastered the art of making people laugh. These pioneers created unforgettable jokes and witty observations that still resonate today.

Legendary One-Liners

George Burns was known for his quick wit and perfect timing. He once quipped, “I look to the future because that’s where I’m going to spend the rest of my life.” This blend of humor and wisdom became his trademark.

Rodney Dangerfield’s self-deprecating style made him a comedy icon. His famous line, “I get no respect,” became a catchphrase that defined his career.

Groucho Marx’s rapid-fire delivery and wordplay set him apart. He famously said, “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.”

Wit and Wisdom

Mark Twain’s humor often carried deeper meanings. He once remarked, “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”

George Carlin pushed boundaries with his observational comedy. He pointed out life’s absurdities, saying, “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

Phyllis Diller broke barriers for women in comedy. Her self-deprecating humor was evident in lines like, “I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.”

These pioneers laid the groundwork for generations of comedians to come, proving that laughter truly is timeless.

Modern Comedic Icons

American comedy has been shaped by brilliant minds who revolutionized humor on screen and stage. These comedians pushed boundaries and connected with audiences through relatable jokes and memorable characters.

Television Trailblazers

Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David created the groundbreaking sitcom “Seinfeld,” which changed TV comedy forever. The show’s observational humor and quirky characters resonated with viewers.

Ellen DeGeneres brought her stand-up skills to daytime TV, hosting a popular talk show for nearly two decades. Her warmth and wit made her a household name.

Trevor Noah took over “The Daily Show” in 2015, bringing a fresh perspective to late-night comedy. His sharp political commentary and international background set him apart.

Film and Stand-Up Stars

Chris Rock’s biting social commentary and energetic performances made him a stand-up legend. He also found success in films like “Grown Ups” and “Madagascar.”

Jim Carrey’s rubber-faced antics and physical comedy style led to major movie hits. “Ace Ventura” and “Dumb and Dumber” showcased his unique comedic talents.

Amy Poehler rose to fame on “Saturday Night Live” before starring in “Parks and Recreation.” Her quick wit and lovable characters endeared her to audiences.

Bill Murray’s deadpan delivery and dry humor made him a comedy icon. From “Ghostbusters” to “Lost in Translation,” his film career spans decades.

Humor and Relationships

Comedians often poke fun at the ups and downs of romance. Their witty observations about love and marriage can make us laugh at life’s absurdities.

Rodney Dangerfield was famous for his self-deprecating jokes about marriage. He once quipped, “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”

Groucho Marx also had plenty to say on the topic. One of his classic lines about relationships was, “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”

Some comedians focus on the challenges of dating:

  • Awkward first impressions
  • Mismatched expectations
  • The perils of online dating

Others tackle the humorous side of long-term partnerships:

  • In-laws and family dynamics
  • Sharing a bathroom
  • Arguing over household chores

These jokes can help couples laugh at their own quirks and conflicts. Humor often provides a way to discuss relationship issues in a lighthearted manner.

Many people find comfort in knowing that even famous comedians struggle with love. It reminds us that relationship woes are a universal human experience.

Contemporary Wit and Quips

Modern comedians have a unique way of pointing out life’s absurdities. They use clever wordplay and sharp observations to make us laugh and think.

Satirical Sharpshooters

Jon Stewart and Amy Schumer are known for their biting social commentary. Stewart’s quips often target politics and media. He once said, “If you don’t stick to your values when they’re being tested, they’re not values: they’re hobbies.” This shows how he uses humor to make serious points.

Schumer tackles gender issues with wit. She jokes about body image and dating norms. Her style mixes self-deprecation with cultural criticism.

Jimmy Kimmel and Conan O’Brien use their late-night platforms for topical humor. They poke fun at current events and celebrities. Their monologues blend news and jokes, making complex topics more digestible.

Masters of Misdirection

Zach Galifianakis and Maria Bamford excel at unexpected humor. Galifianakis is known for his deadpan delivery and odd non-sequiturs. His “Between Two Ferns” interviews catch guests off-guard with bizarre questions.

Bamford’s comedy often deals with mental health in surprising ways. She uses different voices and surreal scenarios to explore serious topics. This approach helps reduce stigma while still being funny.

Steven Wright is famous for his dry one-liners that twist logic. He once quipped, “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” His jokes make people think while they laugh.

Jim Gaffigan uses a unique voice technique to comment on his own jokes. This adds an extra layer of humor to his observations about food and family life.

Cultural Impact of Comedic Television

TV comedies shape American culture in big ways. They influence how people talk, dress, and think about social issues.

Influential TV Series

The Office changed how people view office work. Its mockumentary style made boring jobs seem funny. The show’s quotes became part of everyday speech.

I Love Lucy broke new ground for women in comedy. It showed a strong female lead in the 1950s. Lucy’s antics made people laugh while pushing social norms.

Cheers captured the feel of a local bar where everyone knows your name. It showed the value of community in a big city. The show’s characters felt like real friends to viewers.

Comedy in Animated Shows

The Simpsons has been a mirror for American society since 1989. It pokes fun at family life, politics, and pop culture. The show’s jokes often predict real-world events.

South Park tackles tough topics with crude humor. It makes people think about issues in new ways. The show’s fast production lets it comment on current events quickly.

Family Guy uses cutaway gags to reference pop culture. Its style influenced other animated comedies. The show pushes boundaries of what’s acceptable on TV.

Quotations on Specific Themes

Comedians often use their unique perspectives to comment on various aspects of life. Their witty observations cover topics ranging from the challenges of fame to everyday struggles.

Navigating Fame and Public Image

Famous comedians frequently joke about the ups and downs of life in the spotlight. Jerry Seinfeld quipped, “Being a celebrity is like being in politics, you don’t get elected to it without the people’s consent.”

Ellen DeGeneres humorously noted, “I’m glad I’m not famous in a different time period, when all a person could do for fun was go to the zoo and throw peanuts at my head.”

Some comedians use self-deprecating humor to address public image. Rodney Dangerfield famously said, “I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”

The Comedic Take on Daily Struggles

Comedians often find humor in life’s everyday challenges. Bill Burr joked about self-esteem, saying, “I’m not saying I’m better than you, I’m just saying I’m better than you think I am.”

Louis C.K. commented on parenting struggles: “I’m not a good father. I’m not a good husband. I’m just very good at buying ice cream.”

Many comedians use observational humor to highlight common experiences. Jim Gaffigan quipped about food, “I’m convinced cheese is addictive. I mean, do you ever hear anyone say, ‘I’m not in the mood for cheese’?”

These quotes show how comedians use humor to make light of daily life and connect with their audience through shared experiences.

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So dear reader, if you were searching for humorous quotes by American comedians, was this article worth a few minutes of your time?

Did any of it make smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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60 we were so poor jokes that’ll make you smile

07/11/2024 by

Every parent likes to tell their children stories about how tough life was in their youth. You kids today have a life filled with fancy vacations and designer clothes, but it was tougher for us, they’ll say? So, here are 60 amusing “we were so poor jokes” about the imagined realities of growing up in days gone by when people were flat-out broke. People looking back with a slightly romanticized notion of yesteryear.

Get ready to smile at the sheer ingenuity of those who came from humble beginnings.

And feel free to pass on these little gems.

We were so poor jokes (1-10):

We were so poor, we couldn’t afford to dream.

We were so poor, our Christmas tree was a twig.

We were so poor we had to reuse birthday candles.

We were so poor, we couldn’t even afford to get lost.

We were so poor, we couldn’t afford to pay attention.

We were so poor even our pet dog only had three legs.

We were so poor our rainbows were in black and white.

We were so poor we used to wash our clothes in the rain.

We were so poor our TV only had two channels: on and off.

We were so poor we even had to eat our toenail clippings.

We were so poor jokes (11-20):

We were so poor a brush was something you had with the law.

We were so poor a burner was a cell phone used for nefarious activities.

We were so poor that anything was legal, as long as you didn’t get caught.

We were so poor a window was an opportunity to steal when no one was home.

We were so poor an iron was a metal bar you’d use to defend what little you had.

We were so poor a comb meant a police search of our house looking for illicit contraband.

We were so poor a ring was something that had to deal with the consequences of a bad diet.

We were so poor a tie was an item used to secure something valuable to prevent it being stolen.

We were so poor and hungry that even the termites were too terrified to come to our house lest they be eaten.

We were so poor a handle was something you had on a subject you needed to know a lot about, like what you can get away with if you were careful.

We were so poor jokes (21-30):

We were so poor we had to use both sides of the toilet paper.

We were so poor our allowance was paid in Monopoly money.

We were so poor we had to share a bed with our neighbours.

We were so poor we had to use the cat as a hot water bottle.

We were so poor even the tooth fairy left us discount coupons.

We were so poor we couldn’t afford to turn the page in a book.

We were so poor our family vacation was a trip to our backyard.

We were so poor even the holes in our shoes had holes in them.

We were so poor we had to use the phone book as a booster seat.

We were so poor we couldn’t even afford a cardboard box to live in.

We were so poor jokes (31-40):

We were so poor that we only got to eat fast food if we caught a rabbit.

We were so poor our family portrait was a matchstick figure drawing.

We were so poor, we could only afford to listen to Simon or Garfunkel.

We were so poor a treat was going to KFC to lick other people’s fingers.

We were so poor my parents used to cut coupons for birthday presents.

We were so poor the only time I ever flew on a plane was in my dreams.

We were so poor we had to eat breakfast cereal with a fork to save the milk.

We were so poor making a fashion statement was wearing mismatched socks.

We were so poor entertainment was watching our neighbours mow their lawn.

We were so poor a runner was something you did when you couldn’t pay the bill.

We were so poor jokes (41-50):

We were so poor we didn’t have cups we had to drink out of a rolled up newspaper.

We were so poor we lived in a house so small, I had to go outside to change my mind.

We were so poor our idea of entertainment was watching food rotate in the microwave.

We were so poor for Christmas we got a box of rocks with the instruction, “Be creative!“

We were so poor our idea of a comfortable bed was finding a carpeted floor to sleep on.

We were so poor getting away in the summer was going for a long walk in the local park.

We were so poor our idea of a designer handbag was a grocery bag with a Walmart logo.

We were so poor we didn’t have a doorbell, visitors to our house just had to yell “Ding Dong!”

We were so poor I had to wear my sister’s hand-me-downs, and she was a year younger than me.

We were so poor our idea of dining in a fancy restaurant was a trip to McDonalds, but only on payday.

We were so poor jokes (51-60):

We were so poor a fork was something you found in the road.

We were so poor we had to save the gas from our farts and sell it as lighter fuel.

We were so poor the nearest we ever got to a jacuzzi was eating a plate of beans before taking a bath.

We were so poor our family motto was “Use it up, wear it out, make do, or go without.” Mostly the last one.

We were so poor Santa used to leave us a note saying, “Due to economic difficulties, presents are on backorder.”

We were so poor our experience of fireworks displays was watching our neighbours light theirs through a hole in the fence.

We were so poor I used to think double date meant convincing another friend to come along so we could split the cost of the pizza.

We were so poor my parents insisted anything I wanted had to be paid for with chores. So, if I wanted dinner I had to wash the car.

We were so poor the only time we went to an amusement park was on a school trip where the highlight was the free water fountain.

We were so poor my parents would talk loudly on our porch about the gangsters they knew in the hope that it would scare away the repoman.

Please share this post with your friends:

Did any of these we were so poor jokes make you smile, dear reader? I hope so. And if they did, please share this post with your friends on social media.

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Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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21 very funny one-liners that are pure gold

12/14/2023 by

funny one-linersDon’t you just love people who are quick with a joke and are never short of a witty riposte or two when they need it?

I think you have to admire a quick wit.

However, did you know that many so-called quick wits simply memorize a lot of witty stuff and create for themselves a mental ‘quiver full of arrows’ ready for use whenever necessary?

Well, if they can do that, then so can you.

All you need is a little ammunition to get started.

So here are some very funny one-liners to get you going. See how many of them you can work into your day.

They all made me smile, and I hope they brighten your day too. So give yourself a break for a few minutes and enjoy today’s smiles.

Funny one-liners:

  1. If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving’s not for you.
  2. Wear short sleeves! Support the right to bare arms!
  3. How come we never see the headline, “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
  4. 42.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  5. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  6. Borrow money from a pessimist; they don’t expect it back.
  7. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  8. Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
  9. Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
  10. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  11. Get a new car for your spouse; it’ll be a great trade!
  12. It is as bad as you think, and they are out to get you
  13. Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
  14. Support bacteria; they’re the only culture some people have.
  15. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
  16. There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
  17. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  18. What is a free gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
  19. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  20. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
  21. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Please share this post with your friends:

So, dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these funny one-liners made you smile, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Thank you for your support.

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3 funny jokes for everyone in need of a laugh or two

08/11/2023 by

funny jokes for everyoneHere are three very funny jokes for everyone in need of a laugh or two today.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to share them with your friends.

Funny jokes for everyone:

1. The subtle art of getting even:

Seventeen-year-old Brandon arrived home one day driving a fabulous Porsche 917K sports car.

Naturally, for his parents witnessing his arrival, this was a jaw-dropping moment.

“Where the hell did you get that car, Brandon?” asks his father. “Did you steal it?”

“No, Dad,” replies Brandon. “I bought it.”

“Brandon,” says his mother, “a car like that would cost in excess of $10 million. How could you possibly have bought it?”

“Oh, mum, you’re exaggerating,” says Brandon. “It only cost me fifteen dollars.”

“Fifteen dollars!” exclaims his father. “Who’d be mad enough to sell you a car like that for fifteen dollars?”

“It was Mrs Jones who lives in that large mansion on my paper route,” replies Brandon. “She saw me on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

Well, Brandon’s mother and father felt compelled to pay Mrs Jones a visit.

When Mrs Jones answered the knock on her door, Brandon’s father was quick with his questions, “Why would you sell my son a classic sports car for fifteen dollars? What the hell is going on?”

“It’s very simple, really,” Mrs Jones replied. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. He told me he’d decided to run off for a new life in Hawaii with his secretary. He said he wasn’t coming back and he asked me to sell his Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

2. Senior moment:

Betty, an elderly Florida lady, had been doing her shopping and, upon returning to her car, she found four young men in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

Being the feisty lady that she was, she dropped her shopping to the floor and then grabbed a Smith & Wesson 5906 from her purse and shouted as loud as she could, “Yes, I’m armed; yes, it’s loaded; and yes, I know how to use it! Get out of the car punks!”

The four young men could see that this wasn’t a lady to be messed with, so they got out of the car and ran like hell.

Feisty as she was, naturally, Betty was still a little shaken by her experience and the adrenaline was definitely pumping through her veins.

She loaded her shopping bags into the back of the car, and then she got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she couldn’t get her key into the ignition.

Well, she tried and tried, and then she realized why.

It was for the same reason that she was suddenly wondering why was there a football, a Frisbee and two 6-packs of beer on the rear seat?

Suddenly, it dawned on her that her own car was actually located seven spaces farther along the parking line.

“Oh dear!” she exclaimed to herself

So, she transferred her shopping into her own car and then she drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four very pale young men were reporting a car-jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, curly white hair, who was armed and dangerous.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story: If you’re going to have a senior moment, make it memorable.

3. Medical cover:

3 FUNNY JOKES FOR EVERYONE Jim was out shopping in his local mall one day.

He’s browsing in a store when suddenly he suffers a serious heart attack.

Naturally, as soon as the clerks see Jim collapse on the floor, they called 911.

Within minutes paramedics are on the scene and Jim’s rushed to the nearest hospital, where he undergoes emergency open-heart, bypass surgery.

A few hours later, Jim is awakened from his surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.

Sister Philomena, a young nun, is seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms and a pen.

“Sir,” says Sister Philomena. “I know this is a difficult moment for you but I need to ask you, who is going to pay for your treatment? Do you have health insurance?”

“No mam, I don’t have any health insurance,” Jim responds, almost whispering.

“Well then, do you have any money in the bank?” asks Sister Philomena.

“No mam, I don’t have any money in the bank either,” Jim responds, once again, in an almost inaudible whisper.

Starting to get a little concerned, Sister Philomena asks, “Do you have any relatives who could help you with the payments?“

“Well, I only have a spinster sister but she’s a nun,” Jim responds.

Sister Philomena is really irritated by this insensitive comment and she announces loudly, for everyone to hear, “Sir, nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God!”

“Well then, that’s perfect,” says Jim. “You’ll be able to send the bill to my brother-in-law.“

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Did you enjoy these funny jokes for everyone? Were they as funny as you’d hoped they would be, dear reader?

I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case then please share this blog post with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now on social media. If you can do that for me then I’ll be truly grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

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5 funny jokes to tell your friends to make them laugh

08/09/2023 by

FUNNY JOKES TO TELL YOUR FRIENDSIf you’re looking for some funny jokes to tell your friends then look no further. Here are five little gems that are guaranteed to raise a smile.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to pass them on.

Funny jokes to tell your friends:

1. Challenging times:

When Jim arrived home one day, he was met at his front door by his wife, Elaine. She was sobbing uncontrollably.

“What’s the matter, honey?” asked Jim.

“It’s the pharmacist,” Elaine responded. “He insulted me terribly when I spoke with him on the phone earlier.”

Naturally, Jim drove downtown immediately to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.

Before Jim could say more than a few words the pharmacist interrupted him.

“Sir, please just listen to my side of the story first,” said the pharmacist.

“Go on then, I’m listening,” said Jim sharply.

“Well, this morning,” said the pharmacist, “my alarm failed to go off and so I was late getting up. I missed breakfast and hurried to my car. However, as I slammed my front door, I realised that it had locked with the keys to the house and the car inside. So, I had to break a window to get back in the house to get my keys.”

“But how does that explain the way you spoke to my wife,” asked Jim.

“Sir, I’m getting to that,” said the pharmacist. “Naturally, having broken a window, I had to board it up before I left. That made me even later. So, I was speeding in my car, in an attempt to make up the time, but a cop stopped me and I got a speeding ticket. Then three blocks from my store I got a flat tire.”

“So, you were unfortunate, so what?” Jim responds.

“I lost more time changing the wheel on my car,” the pharmacist continued, “and then when I got to my store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open. They were unhappy but I served them as quickly as I could, despite their moaning at me, and all the time the phone was ringing off the hook.”

“Fine, but how does that explain your treatment of my wife,” asks Jim.

“Well, the pressure didn’t end there,” the pharmacist continued. “To give a customer change, I had to break a roll of nickels but they spilt out of my hands, all over the floor. I get down on my knees to pick up all the nickels and the phone is still ringing. Then, I get up off my knees only to crack my head on the open cash register. I then fell backwards against I showcase of expensive perfume bottles. They all hit the floor and there was glass smashed everywhere. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing.”

“So, what did you do then,” asked Jim.

“Well, finally, I had no choice but to answer the phone,” said the pharmacist. “It was your wife and she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And I can honestly say mister, all I did was tell her!”

2. Under the influence:

A police officer spots a man driving erratically and thinks he might be witnessing a DUI violation.

Naturally, he pulls the guy over.

“Sir,” said the officer, “have you been drinking?”

“Yes, officer,” the guy responds, “I have.”

“So, how much have you drunk tonight?” the officer asks.

“Well, let me see,” says the guy, “I started in O’Malley’s Bar, and I had five beers there. Then I went to Finnigan’s Bar, and I drank seven double vodkas. Finally, I went to Riley’s Bar, and I drank a full bottle of Bushmills whiskey.”

“Sir,” said the police officer, “I need you to step out of your car and take a breathalyser test to see if you’re over the limit.”

“Why?” says the guy. “Don’t you believe me?”

3. Missing the obvious:

A guy arrives on a bicycle from Mexico at the US Border in San Diego.

He’s carrying a large bag of light brown powder and immediately the customs officers think he’s smuggling drugs.

So, they search him and test the powder. However, he’s carrying nothing suspicious, and the powder turns out to be nothing but fine sand.

The next day the same guy arrives at the border again, on a bicycle, carrying another bag of light brown powder.

Once again, he’s searched, and the powder is tested. Again, they find nothing suspicious, and the powder is just sand.

This saga goes on every day for the next three years. Every day the guy arrives on a bicycle, carrying a bag of what proves to be nothing but sand.

One day, one of the customs officers bumps into the guy in a bar in San Diego and his curiosity gets the better of him.

“Listen, buddy,” says the customs officer, “we know you’ve been smuggling something. Between you and me, what is it? It’s driving me crazy.”

The guy smiles broadly and then says, “Bicycles!”

4. Misunderstanding:

My wife and I were all dressed up and ready to go out for an evening of dinner and theatre. However, having been burgled previously, naturally, we were security-conscious. So we turned on a night light and put our cat out in the backyard.

When our cab arrived, we were walking out of our front door when our cat Milly shot back in again and ran up the stairs.

Unfortunately, Milly liked to chase our pet parakeet, so the two of them couldn’t be left alone in the house together.

So, my wife went back into the house to catch the cat and put it back outside again.

Naturally, security-conscious as ever, I didn’t want the cab driver to know our house would be empty, so I told him that my wife had just gone inside momentarily to say good night to her mother.

A few minutes later my wife got into the cab looking very hot and bothered.

“Sorry, it took so long,” she said. “The stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then she tried to take off again, so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass down the stairs and threw her into the backyard. So, she’d better not crap on my vegetable garden whilst we’re out!”

The look on the cab driver’s face was priceless.

5. Communication breakdown:

5 very funny jokes to tell your friends.Judge Bernstein was interviewing an elderly lady regarding her pending divorce.

“So, Mrs Thompson,” said Judge Bernstein, “what are the grounds for your divorce?“

“About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by,” replied Mrs Thompson.

“No,” he said the judge, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?“

“Oh,” Mrs Thompson responded, “it’s made of wood, slate, brick and mortar.”

“No, no,” said the judge, “I mean, what are your relations like?“

“Well,” she Mrs Thompson, “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so does my husband.“

“Mrs Thompson, do you have a real grudge?” the judge asked warily.

“No, your honour,” replied Mrs Thompson. “We have a two-car carport.”

The judge tried once again, “Please, Mrs Thompson, is there any infidelity in your marriage?“

“Yes,” said Mrs Thompson. “Both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes.”

“Mam, please,” said the judge. “Does your husband ever beat you up?“

“Yes,” said Mrs Thompson. “He gets up earlier than I do on Saturdays when he’s playing golf.“

Finally, the judge cannot contain his frustration any longer.

“Lady, why do you want a divorce?” he asks.

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” Mrs Thompson replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he can’t communicate with me!“

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you enjoy these funny jokes to tell your friends? Were they as funny as you’d hoped they would be, dear reader?

I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case then please share this blog post with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now on social media. If you can do that for me then I’ll be truly grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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9 funny jokes to tell your friends in the bar after work

08/04/2023 by

9 FUNNY JOKES to tell your friends in the bar after workIf you’re looking for some funny jokes to tell your friends in the bar after work, then look no further.

There are some excellent ones here. Well, I think so, anyway.

I hope you enjoy them all too. If you do, please feel free to pass them on.

Funny jokes to tell:

1. Turning a problem into an opportunity:

A young guy named Jim meets a farmer in a bar.

They get talking over a beer at the counter and very soon Jim’s bought a horse from the farmer unseen for $250. Not only has he not seen the nag, Jim even agreed to pay upfront too.

The farmer agrees to deliver the horse to Jim’s home the next day.

Sure enough the next morning the farmer arrives at Jim’s home but the news is not quite what Jim is expecting.

“Sorry, son,” says the farmer, “but unfortunately the horse has died.”

“Well,” says Jim, “just give me back my money.”

“Sorry, son,” responds the farmer, “I can’t do that because I’ve already spent your money.”

“Well, in that case,” says Jim, “just bring me the dead horse.”

“What are you going to do with a dead horse?” asks the farmer.

“I’ll raffle him off, to get my money back,” says Jim.

“You can’t raffle a dead horse!” exclaims the farmer, sounding a little surprised.

“Sure, I can. Just watch me!” says Jim. “I just won’t mention the fact that the horse is dead.”

A couple of months later, the farmer bumps into Jim in the same bar where they met originally.

“Hi,” says the farmer. “Tell me, what happened to the dead horse?”

“I raffled him off like I said I would,” Jim responds.

“Oh really, and how did that go?” asks the farmer.

“It was brilliant,” says Jim. “I sold 1,000 raffle tickets at $5 each and after what I gave you for the horse plus expenses, I made $4,575 profit.”

“Really?” says the farmer. “Didn’t anyone complain about the horse being dead?”

“Yes,” says Jim, “the guy who won. So I gave him back his five dollars.”

2. The power of flight:

Bill walks into a bar located on the roof terrace of a skyscraper in downtown Metropolis.

Bill’s standing at the counter waiting to be served, when the guy next to him offers him a sip of his cocktail.

“Take a sip of this cocktail buddy,” the guy says, slurring his words. “It’s a special drink and it will give you the power of flight.”

“Oh, that’s got to be nonsense,” says Bill. “There’s no way taking a sip of someone’s drink will have me flying around the rooftops of Metropolis.”

“Would I lie to you?” the guy says to Bill. “Let me show you.”

With that, the guy swallows the contents of the glass, then jumps off the roof, flies around in a wide circle and then glides smoothly back onto the roof terrace.

Bill is amazed by what he’s just witnessed. So he says to the bartender, “I’ll have whatever he’s been drinking.”

Bill is served the same cocktail which he swallows in one and then he attempts to jump off the roof but falls flat on his face on the edge of the roof terrace.

The bartender looks at the guy who’d encouraged Bill to try the cocktail and says, “Dammit, you really are a nuisance to other customers when you’re drunk Superman.”

3. Customer needs:

I was in Walmart just before Thanksgiving this year.

A lady was looking through a pile of frozen turkeys but she couldn’t seem to find one big enough for her needs.

I heard her speak with the clerk and she said, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

“No, mam!” he replied. “They’re all dead.”

Well, it made me smile.

4. Generous spirit:

I bumped into a woman outside the shopping mall who was crying because she’d just lost $200.

I felt really sorry for her, so I gave her $50 from the $200 I’d just found.

Well, when God smiles at you, it’s only right that you share your good fortune with those less fortunate than you.

5. Getting things done:

Yesterday, Mary’s husband Jim thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen.

So, naturally, Jim sprayed everything down very carefully and then cleaned the entire kitchen thoroughly from wall to wall and floor to ceiling. Absolutely nothing escaped his cleaning regime. When he’d finished the kitchen sparkled like new.

Today, Mary put the cockroach in the bathroom.

Moral of the Story: Never, ever underestimate a woman’s cunning.

6. Corny joke of the week:

Last night I saw two cows playing poker whilst smoking a couple of huge spliffs.

Yes, that’s right! The steaks were high.

7. Caught out:

Jane arrived in the office one morning and her boss said to her, “Jane, do you believe in life after death?”

Looking slightly puzzled, she responded, “Well, I’m not aware that there’s any proof it exists.”

“Well, in that case,” her boss said, “you might be interested to know that after you left early yesterday to go to your uncle’s funeral, he came into the office looking for you.”

8. The art of tact:

Jim is planning to take his new lady friend on a two-week cruise around the islands of the Eastern Caribbean. However, he has one problem, he needs someone to take care of his cat and his elderly father.

After a little searching around his friends, Jim’s old High School buddy Billy Bob volunteers to act as caretaker.

So, Jim and his lady friend go off on their cruise and for a few days’ life is good.

Then, suddenly, Jim receives an email from Billy Bob on his smartphone.

The message simply reads, “Jim, your cat was hit by a car and it’s dead. Regards, Billy Bob.“

Well, Jim thinks that’s a brutal way of letting him know about the fate of his beloved pet, so he phones Billy Bob immediately to tell him so.

“Listen, buddy,” says Jim. “You could have been a bit more sensitive and tactful in the way you let me know about my cat.”

Well, Billy Bob doesn’t quite understand. “What do you mean, buddy?”

“Well,” Jim responds, “it would have been better if you’d adopted a three-email strategy.”

“What in hell is a three-email strategy?” asks Billy Bob.

“Look, it’s easy,” says Jim. “In the first email, you start off by saying, I just wanted to let you know your cat’s been climbing trees.”

“Right, and then what?” asks Billy Bob.

“Well, the next day you send a second message, saying your cat’s fallen out of a tree and hurt its paw,” says Jim.

“And, then what?” asks Billy Bob.

“Well, finally,” Jim continues, “the following day, you send a third message saying, after falling out of a tree and hurting its paw, the cat was hit by a car and sadly it’s dead. With this strategy, at least I get a chance to slowly come to terms with my loss.”

“Gotcha,” says Billy Bob, “I’ll remember that next time.”

A few more days go by and Jim’s enjoying his vacation when suddenly he receives another email which reads, “Jim, I just wanted to let you know your father’s been climbing trees. Regards, Billy Bob.”

9. Very early Christmas joke:

Three buddies had been having more than a few drinks in a series of Manhattan bars on Christmas Eve.

They’re staggering along Broadway trying to cross the street when they’re all hit by a truck and killed.

In the blink of an eye, they find themselves standing in front of St Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Gentlemen,” says St Peter, “to get into Heaven at this time of year, you must have something on you that represents Christmas.”

The first guy, Jim, flicks his cigarette lighter and says to St Peter, “The flame represents the light that Christmas brings to our lives.”

“Very good,” says St Peter. “James, you may make your way through the Pearly Gates.”

The second guy, Stan, jingles his car keys and then says, “They represent the jingle of Santa’s sleigh bells.”

“Very good,” says St Peter. “Stanley, you may make your way through the Pearly Gates.”

St Peter then looks at the last guy, Mick, who is staggering all over the place and rummaging around in his pockets.

Eventually, Mick pulls out some items of ladies’ underwear from his jacket pocket and holds them up for St Peter to see,

With a puzzled look on his face, St Peter asks, “Michael, how do these items represent Christmas?”

“Oh, they’re Carol’s,” said Mick, with a sheepish grin.

Please share these funny jokes to tell:

quotes about changeSo dear reader, were any of the funny jokes to tell actually amusing? Did any of them make you smile?

If you did enjoy this post then please share it with your friends on social media.

People really do enjoy funny jokes, so please share this post now.

If you could share this post for me now then I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

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10 short funny jokes that will make you smile

07/19/2023 by

SHORT FUNNY JOKESLooking for some short funny jokes to cheer you up? Well, here are 10 that I am confident might just make you smile. Enjoy them all.

Short Funny Jokes:

1. Communication problem:

Bill is working away from home one winter’s morning and the weather’s very, very cold outside.

Suddenly he receives a text message from his wife, Jane. The message reads, “Windows frozen; won’t open.”

Naturally, Bill wants to ensure his wife doesn’t experience any major problems whilst he’s away, so he sends an immediate response. His message reads, “Carefully pour some warm water over it and then gently tap the edges with a hammer.”

Thinking he’s done all he needs to do to resolve Jane’s problem, Bill gets on with his busy schedule.

However, within minutes, he gets another message from Jane, which reads, “The computer’s really messed up now!”

2. Minor indiscretion:

I was surprised to read a story in today’s newspaper about a guy I’d known at High School.

He was a brilliant, hardworking guy who’d followed his High School years with seven years of medical training. Now it seems, due to one minor indiscretion he’s been struck off.

Apparently, as the article suggested, he’d slept with one of his patients.

Now judge him if you must but, as a result of this indiscretion he can no longer work in a profession he loved and for which he’d trained so hard, so long and at great cost. That seems to me like a complete waste of time, effort and money.

It seems a shame because I always thought he was a really nice guy and, I’m told, he was an absolutely brilliant vet.

3. Lottery winner:

A man asked his wife, “What would you do if I won the lottery?”

“That’s easy,” she replied. “I’d take half of your winnings and then I’d leave you.”

“Great!” said the husband. “I won $10, so here’s $5. Stay in touch.”

4. Blond man joke #1:

A blond man frantically phones the maternity hospital and shouts down the phone, “My wife’s about to give birth and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

The nurse responds by saying, “Is this her first child?”

“No,” shouts the blond man, “I’m her husband.”

5. Blond man joke #2:

A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts, “Bill, did you find the shampoo?”

“Yes,” Bill responds, “but I’m not sure what to do. It says it’s for dry hair but mine is already wet.”

6. Blond man joke #3:

A blond man sees a letter on his doormat one morning. On the envelope, in large letters, it states clearly, DO NOT BEND.

So the guy spends the next two hours trying to figure out how he’s going to pick it up.

7. Miscommunication:

A teenage boy in Jersey City called Directory Enquiries.

“Hello, operator,” he said, “I want the telephone number for Jack Smith in Manhattan.”

“Well, sir,” said the operator, “there are multiple listings for that name in Manhattan. Do you have a street name?”

“Yes, mam, I do,” said the boy. “All my friends call me Lil’ Loco.”

8. Family lunch:

Little Johnny’s out one Sunday with his parents having lunch with family.

Everyone’s seated around the table as lunch is being served. When Johnny receives his plate, he starts eating immediately.

“Johnny,” said his father, “you should wait until we’ve said a prayer before you begin eating.”

“No, Dad, I don’t have to,” Johnny responds.

“Of course you do,” his father insisted. “We always say a prayer when we eat lunch at home, don’t we?”

“Well, that’s at our house,” Johnny responds, “but we’re at Grandma’s and she knows how to cook.”

9. Over the limit:

Jack had been on a very boozy night out with his golf buddies.

When he left the bar he was absolutely steaming drunk.

Unwisely, despite being in a state of inebriation, Jack decided he’d drive home in his own car, rather than getting a cab. Well, he’d been driving for so many years, he was confident he could get the car home safely despite his condition.

So he proceeded along Main Street, driving as carefully as he could.

Suddenly he had to swerve to avoid a tree. Then he had to swerve again to avoid another tree and then another.

Well now, watching proceedings is a Highway Patrolman who decides it’s time to intervene and Jack’s pulled over.

“Sir,” said the Highway Patrolman, “can you explain why you were driving erratically along Main Street.”

“I’m sorry officer,” Jack responded, slurring his words. “It was the trees in the middle of the road.”

The Highway Patrolman frowned and said, “Sir, I have reason to believe you’re inebriated.”

“Why?” asked Jack, his speech slurred once again.

“Because there are no trees,” the Highway Patrolman responded. “You were dodging your air freshener.”

10. Teaching a lesson:

At a High School in Wilmington, Delaware they were experiencing a bit of a problem with the actions of some of the girls.

A number of 16-year-old girls had started to wear lipstick and they would put it on in the girls’ bathroom.

They’d all congregate around the bathroom mirror applying their lipstick of choice and then as they completed the task, they’d kiss the mirror leaving a perfect imprint of their lips for all to see.

Well, needless to say, there were so many lipstick marks that it was all getting a bit messy, to say the least.

More importantly, the janitor was getting fed up with having to clean the mirrors at the end of each day, given the lipstick marks were quite hard to remove.

So naturally, the janitor complained to the Principal.

Now the Principal was a wily old girl in her 50s who’d been around the block more than a few times and she knew how to get her students to behave.

One morning she marched into the girls’ bathroom when she knew the girls would be applying their lipstick. In her hand, she was holding a long-handled squeegee.

“Ladies,” said the Principal. “The janitor has complained about the mess you’re making of the mirrors. Allow me to demonstrate what the poor man has to do to get them clean.”

With that, she took the squeegee and dipped it into the toilet. She made sure the squeegee was suitably wet and then she proceeded to wipe the mirrors clean.

Since then there haven’t been any lipstick marks on the mirror.

Moral of the Story: There are teachers and then there are educators.

Please share these jokes with your friends:

SHORT FUNNY JOKESSo dear reader, did you find any of these short funny jokes amusing? Did any of them make you smile?

If you did enjoy this post then please share it with your friends on social media.

People really do enjoy short funny jokes, so please share this post now.

If you could share this post then I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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Really funny commercials that’ll make you smile

02/26/2023 by

REALLY FUNNY COMMERCIALSHow many commercials does the average person see in a year? Literally, thousands, wouldn’t you agree?

And how many of those commercials will the average consumer remember as they consider making a purchasing decision? Not that many I think.

However, if a commercial is to leave a powerful impression on consumers then it needs to be memorable. And how is it made memorable? Well, there can be few better ways than the use of humour.

The best commercials are really funny with a link back to the product’s unique selling proposition.

Here is a video with a series of commercials for the culturally insensitively named chocolate bar Japp (a product made by the Mars company I believe) which tick all the boxes for me. 

These really funny commercials made me smile and I hope they will brighten your day too.

Really Funny Commercials:

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So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these really funny commercials made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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30 sarcasm examples that’ll really make you smile

02/05/2023 by

SARCASM EXAMPLESSome people are definitely uncomfortable with the use of sarcasm. However, I think it can be one of the most effective means of communication. So I’ve been collecting some more sarcasm examples.

So, without further ado, here are 30 sarcasm examples that you can add to your ammunition stockpile. I think they might just make you smile too. They will make you smile too.

Enjoy them all.  And please feel free to pass them on.

I’d love to hear from you and I’m sure other readers would too.

Sarcasm examples:

  1. Are you talking to me or chewing a brick?
  2. You’ve got a face only a mother could love.
  3. You’re about as pleasant as colonic irrigation.
  4. Why don’t you go sit on the rough end of a pineapple?
  5. If I appear to be disinterested that’s because I am.
  6. I didn’t ask for your advice, so why would you assume I need it?
  7. Dressed like that I’m guessing you’re off to a loud shirt party?
  8. What’s the matter with you? You’ve got a face on you like a wet weekend.
  9. Am I a bitch or just a girl who’s looking after her own interests and takes no crap from anyone? You may not like it but it works for me. So suck it up buttercup.
  10. I appreciate you giving me this opportunity for a lengthy exchange of ideas but I’m busy. So please just go away.
  11. I get it that life has been unfair to you and that you’re not happy but why’s that my problem?
  12. When you say ‘ad hoc’ does that mean I can do it as necessary or were you just trying to impress me with your knowledge of Latin?
  13. When you suggest ‘I’m just biased’ does that mean deep down you think I may actually have a point but you don’t want to admit it?
  14. Listen, buddy, I can sell you a drink but I can’t offer you solutions to your problems. I’m a bartender, not a psychotherapist.
  15. You keep saying that money’s not important but I’d love to see how long you can live without it.
  16. What have you done to your hair? It looks like it’s been cut with a knife and fork.
  17. You know you’re old when you receive a welcome letter from AARP which serves only to remind you that you’re not quite dead yet.
  18. It may be moderately challenging but let’s face it, it’s not rocket science, is it?
  19. That’s an interesting idea. Why don’t you put it in the Suggestion Box and I’ll be sure to ignore it?
  20. So life was so much better back in your day? Well whoop-dee-doo. The rest of us are so pleased for you, NOT.
  21. It was a joke. We used to tell them to each other before everyone was so easily offended.
  22. Just because you work hard you shouldn’t assume your efforts will be appreciated. What did you expect? Applause?
  23. You do realize that feeling that everyone’s out to get you may not just be a feeling?
  24. Yes, I received your email and I ignored it like every other message I have in my Inbox. I’ve actually got work to do.
  25. Referring to yourself as a professional is not for me a guarantee that you’ll have any significant level of competence.
  26. One day you’ll realize that behaving like a total dick was not a good idea and it doesn’t impress anyone.
  27. ‘Have a nice day’ is something you say but in my experience rarely is it something you mean.
  28. You’re not old. Chronologically challenged, yes! But there’s a bit more life in you yet.
  29. If you don’t feel that this job is worthy of your talents then you can always quit and go spend more time with your ego.
  30. Being a perfectionist will make you the worst kind of boss in the world. On the upside, it’ll also make you the best kind of sexual partner. So it’s not all bad.

Please share this post:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these sarcasm examples made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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