witty one liners Archives

60 British insults for getting your message across

10/14/2025 by Roy Sutton

When it comes to insults, the British certainly can have a clever turn of phrase. Well, I think so, but then again, I am British, so perhaps I’m a little bit biased. Therefore, allow me to offer you 60 British insults to prove my point.

All of these clever comebacks made me smile, and I hope you’ll enjoy at least some of them too.

So take a few minutes to appreciate the British sense of humour, and please feel free to pass them on.

British insults (1-20):

Get lost!
You stink!
You wazzock!
A pox on you.
Do one, tosser!
You gormless git!
You silly plonker!
Shove it up your ass!
You pointless prick!
Just get out of my sight.
You’re as daft as a brush.
You sir are a waste of space.
You’re an absolute doorknob.
You’re as mad as a box of frogs.
You’re a sandwich short of a picnic.
Watch where you’re going, dipstick!
You corrosive lump of faecal horror.
You have a mouth like a torn pocket.
Pigs in a sty smell better than you do.
You’re a waste of the air you breathe.

British insults (21-40):

You look ill. Should I call a vet for you?
Wow, you’ve got a great face, for radio!
Are you talking to me or chewing a brick?
Nice hair. Does it grow all over your back?
You’re wearing that shirt for a bet, surely?
Do you have anything edible on the menu?
Is it normal to foam at the mouth like that?
You’ve got a face like a bag of smashed crabs.
Boy, you’ve been whacked with the ugly stick!
Is that rotting flesh or your armpits I can smell?
You’ve got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.
You add less value than the excrement on my shoe.
Do that again and I’ll have your guts for garters.
You don’t have to be a complete tosser all your life.
You’re so obnoxious, how do you live with yourself?
Where I come from we walk the family pet not eat it.
I’m guessing they don’t sell deodorant where you live.
Why don’t you go sit on the rough end of a pineapple?
If you want to lose weight, try shaving your legs.
I don’t hate you, but may your death be slow and painful.

British insults (41-60):

Perhaps it might just be a ‘You’ problem?
Only a complete slimeball would think that’s acceptable.
Yes, I’d love to meet your parents. When does the zoo open?
Well, aren’t you a little bundle of something quite unpleasant?
Yes, I’m drunk but tomorrow I’ll be sober and you’ll still be ugly.
What’s the matter with you? You’ve got a face like a melted welly.
Everyone has the right to be ugly but you’re abusing that privilege.
If you really must smile it would be better if you visited a dentist first.
Call me unworldly if you must, but do women normally have hair there?
With a menu as bad as this I won’t have any problem sticking to my diet.
I wouldn’t call you ugly but you’ve got a face like a blind cobbler’s thumb.
I think you’re brave in showing your face in public, without a bag covering it.
What’s wrong with you? You’re walking like your ass is chewing a toffee.
If you want to lose weight quickly dear, you could try shaving your legs.
I’d call you ugly but that doesn’t quite say what a truly unpleasant sight you are.
I must have done something terrible in another life to deserve a minge bag like you.
People say you’re a bit of a spanner but in my experience, you’re more the full toolkit.
If you could just listen to yourself for a minute you’d realize your opinion is ridiculous.
Could I borrow a hosepipe, please? You look like you’re in need of some colonic irrigation.
I know I asked for a rare steak but a good vet could have this one back on its feet in an instant.

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32 witty, one-liner jokes about getting old to make you smile

10/08/2025 by Roy Sutton

Looking for some jokes about getting old, dear reader? Well, today I can offer you 32 of them.

Whether you’re young or old, I’m sure you’ll be able to relate to a few of them.

I hope you enjoy them all and I hope they make you smile. Certainly, they all made me smile.

And remember this; we all get older, but getting old is a state of mind much more than anything else. You don’t have to let the old man or woman in.

Anyway, take a few moments to read them all and then pass them on.

Jokes about getting old:

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

Women rarely admit their age; men rarely act it.

I’m so old that my first car was a covered wagon.

How come everyone my age seems older than me?

I’m at the age where I can’t keep up with all the things I hate.

A wise man remembers a woman’s birthday but never her age.

I’m so old, I can remember when emojis were called hieroglyphics.

Regular naps will prevent old age, especially if taken while driving.

Ageing gracefully is the polite way of saying you’re slowly looking worse.

You know you’re old when dining out means catching the early bird special.

We were so poor growing up we could only listen to Simon or Garfunkel.

You know you’re old when people call at 9 pm and ask, “Did I wake you?”

I believe in loyalty. So, when I got to a certain age, I decided to stick with it.

My wife’s so vain, she’d rather pay full price than admit she’s a senior citizen.

I’d like to say I’m ageing like fine wine, but in my case, it’s more like a fine banana.

I like older women because they’re used to life’s disappointments, so they’re ready for me.

When you’re old, getting lucky is walking into a room and remembering exactly why you’re there.

Old age is when your old classmates are so grey, wrinkled, and bald that they no longer recognize you.

If it’s your birthday today, you should congratulate yourself. Especially if you’re still able to remember it.

The older I get, the more cults make perfect sense. Do you know how hard it is to make friends as an adult?

You know you’re getting old when you have more candles on your cake than friends at your birthday party.

The skill of the diplomat is the ability to tell someone to go to Hell in such a way that they’ll look forward to the trip.

Old age is when you’re faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by nine o’clock.

The best moment of a woman’s life isn’t giving birth, it’s seeing an old adversary and realizing how fat and ugly she is now.

When you’re young, you make a lot of noise just having fun. When you’re old, you make even more noise just bending over.

I wanted to look distinguished in my old age, so I grew a beard. Turns out the statement I’m making is more like, “Discount, please, I’m a senior!”

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive. Fortunately, my older brother told me about it.

When I was young, I did stupid things because I didn’t know any better. Now I know better, I still do stupid things, but I can’t help it.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then I remember that death will be normal for my age at some point.

I’ve reached the age where looking in the mirror is like checking the news. I know there’ll be some new developments I won’t like.

When you’re young, embarrassment is forgetting to zip up your fly. When you’re old, embarrassment is forgetting to unzip your fly.

As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right one for me.

Dear reader, did these jokes about getting old make you smile? I do hope so.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. I’m confident that you’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read today, please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. And you’ll be helping an aspiring blog to reach a wider audience.

Thank you for your support.

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Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, fun, funny, hilariously funny jokes, humor, humour, Inspiration, jokes, jokes about getting old, Laugh, LOL, smile, witty jokes, witty one liners, witty one-liner jokes

25 dark humor quotes that will brighten your day

09/25/2025 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for some dark humor quotes, dear reader, I’ve pulled together 25 that will brighten your day. Well, I hope so, anyway.

So, take a few moments to enjoy them all and then please feel free to pass them on.

Sharing smiles is the most useful thing any of us can do. Laughter is always the best medicine.

Dark Humor Quotes:

I’m not lazy. I just have an energy-saving mode.
People believe in God but does God believe in people?
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
Where would you find a dog with no legs? Wherever you left it.
I don’t hate you. I’m just not that excited about your existence.
Just be yourself is not necessarily the best advice for everyone.
In life, occasionally you’re the pigeon but mostly you’re the statue.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
If at first, you don’t succeed, remove all evidence that you even tried.
Never hit anyone with glasses. If you must hit them, use a baseball bat.
Friendship’s more important than money. Unless someone owes you $100.
Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off.
‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologize’ mean the same thing unless you’re at a funeral.
If one door opens when another one closes, your house is probably haunted.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, you could be missing out on the joke of the day.
My house is like the Bermuda Triangle. Stuff comes in never to be seen again.
Why doesn’t my phone fly when I put it in airplane mode? I’d really like to know.
Everyone brings joy to my house. Some when they arrive; others when they leave.
If rabbits’ feet are so lucky, you’d have to ask, “What happened to the rabbit?”
I always said I wanted to be somebody but perhaps I should have been more specific.
Smell is one of the biggest triggers of memory. How will you be remembered?
I’m not known for being tough but I have the heart of a lion. I keep it in a jar on my desk.
I’m a leader, not a follower. Unless it’s a very dark and spooky place, then you’re going first.
My grief counsellor died last week. However he was so good at his job, it hasn’t bothered me at all.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. An axe through the chest would be a lot quicker.

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Did any of these dark humor quotes make you smile, dear reader? I hope so. If they did, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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Thank you for your support.

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Filed Under: Quotes Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, dark humor, dark humor quotes, dark quotes, fun, funny, funny witty quotes, humor, humour, jokes, Life, quotes, smile, witty one liners

25 corny puns that’ll make you smile or make you cringe

09/22/2025 by Roy Sutton

Do you like corny puns, dear reader? I hope so, because I’ve pulled together 25 of them for you. They’ll make you smile or make you cringe, but either way, I’m sure you’ll appreciate the clever wordplay.

So sit back and take a few minutes to enjoy them all.

Corny Puns:

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
Why do bees stay in their hives during the winter? Swarm.
If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
Why is ‘dark’ spelt with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
I’m trying to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

If you enjoyed any of these corny puns then please share this post with your friends on social media.

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So go on, please share it now. If you can do that for me, I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some more laughs, then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you for your support.

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Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: Best Puns, Best quotes of wisdom, Corny Puns, funny, Funny Puns, funny quotes about life, humor, Life, Meaning, Puns, quotes, witty one liners

29 clever puns that’ll make you smile

09/22/2025 by Roy Sutton

If you love clever puns, then you’ve come to the right place, dear reader. I’ve put together a collection of 29 witty one-line puns that will make you smile, at least a little.

Certainly, they all made me smile, and I’m confident that you’ll enjoy them too.

So sit back and take a few moments to enjoy them all. And then pass them on to your friends and colleagues.

Clever puns:

With great reflexes comes great response-ability.
What do you do with chemists when they die? Barium!
How do construction workers party? They raise the roof.
An expensive laxative will give you a run for your money.
I have a broken barometer that I need to sell. No pressure.
Nuns wear the same outfit every day. Must be a habit, I guess.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
I can only remember 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay. He woke up!
If it’s cold, stay close to others. Otherwise, you might feel a bit ice-olated.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night. I should have put it on aloha setting.
Why was it so hot in the stadium after the baseball game? All the fans left!
I’m not sure if my ceiling is the best in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
You’ll never guess who I bumped into on the way to the opticians! Everyone.
To whoever stole my broken bathroom scales, you’ll never get a weigh with it.
Have you ever tried blindfolded archery? You don’t know what you’re missing.
I lift weights only on Saturday and Sunday because Monday to Friday are weak days.
Why are fish the easiest animals to weigh? Because they come with their own scales.
I started a business selling yachts in my attic. Sails have gone through the roof.
I wouldn’t let my children go to see the orchestra. There’s too much sax and violins.
I told my wife I felt like a deck of cards and she said she’d deal with me later.
I have a weird talent where I can tell what’s inside a wrapped present. It’s a gift.
Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail? She got a full sentence.
The Pentagon was originally going to be a square, but the contractor kept cutting corners.
What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up? The mean increases.
I’m a perfectionist with a procrastinator complex. Someday I’m going to be awesome.
My partner’s name is David, so we named our son Harley. This way he’s Harley, David’s son.
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
Did you hear about the thieves who robbed a theatre during a performance? They stole the spotlight.

If you enjoyed these clever puns, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

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So go on, please share it now. If you can do that for me, I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

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Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: Best Puns, Clever puns, Corny Puns, funny, Funny Puns, humor, Life, Meaning, Puns, quotes, witty one liners

27 corny but funny puns to raise a smile or two

09/13/2025 by Roy Sutton

If you like funny puns, then I’ve put together a batch of very corny ones in the hope they will raise a smile or two. They all made me smile, but for me, the cornier the pun, the better.

So, I hope you enjoy them all, dear reader.

If you do, please feel free to pass them on.

Funny puns:

Odorless chemicals just don’t make scents.
I love how the Earth rotates. It makes my day.
I was working in a glue factory, but I couldn’t stick with it.
Writing with a broken pencil is pointless.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
I was inconsolable when my PlayStation was stolen.
Our office defibrillator didn’t work. Nobody was shocked.
I googled “how to start a fire” and got 869,000 matches.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents!
I used to be a history teacher, but there’s no future in it.
How’s my long-distance relationship going? So far, so good.
I cancelled my gym membership because it wasn’t working out.
Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.
I felt lonely, so I bought some shares. It’s nicer to have some company.
If you’re thinking about singing karaoke with a friend, just duet.
To whoever stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
I sued the airport for mislaying my baggage, but I lost my case.
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator, and only a fraction of people will find that funny.
I get claustrophobic in elevators, so I’ve started taking steps to avoid it.
Tennis players have a hard time with relationships because love means nothing to them.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is heavy, and the other is a little lighter!
A rubber band slingshot was confiscated in an algebra class for being a weapon of math disruption.
What’s the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.
The thing about shopping centres is that once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen a mall.
My housemate told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went out and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, the nurse replied, “No change yet.”

Please share this post with your friends:

If you enjoyed any of these funny puns, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So, please share it now. If you can do that for me, I’d be forever grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some more laughs, then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you.

Articles you might enjoy:

Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: Best Puns, Best quotes of wisdom, Corny Puns, funny, Funny Puns, funny quotes about life, humor, Life, Meaning, Puns, quotes, witty one liners

50 funny birthday wishes for friends cards and gifts

09/10/2025 by Roy Sutton

Dear reader, are you looking for some ideas for witty and funny birthday wishes for friends cards and gifts?

Well, here are 50 suggestions that might amuse you and help you produce a memorable gem to tease your best friend on his or her birthday card.

Everyone loves witty comments. So, you might love these funny birthday wishes for friends.

Enjoy them all.

And please feel free to pass them on.

Funny birthday wishes for friends (1-25)

Birthdays are just nature’s way of telling you to eat more cake.

May your hair dye and mascara never run! Happy Birthday, old girl!

I’m not obsessed with age but I really can’t believe how old you are.

Age is just a number. In your case a very large number, dear friend.

You’re as old as you are dear to me. And you’re very, very dear to me.

The mirror doesn’t lie, and at your age, you’re lucky it doesn’t laugh either.

Dearest friend, I hope you get 100 birthday cards today! To match your age!

I wouldn’t say you’re old but even Keith Richards looks younger than you.

Happy Birthday, friend! Age is not a big deal. Not to me but then I’m still young.

Best wishes to a dear friend, who can tell me when bread was only five cents a loaf.

Your birthday only comes once a year but the wrinkles it brings will last a lifetime.

When you’re as old as you, there’s always cosmetic surgery. It’ll be a big job though.

Looking at you fills me with hope, that one day I might live to be as old as you are today.

Best wishes to a woman who’s been thirty for more years than either of us can remember.

You’re as old as you feel, and I’m guessing you’re feeling very, very old today. Happy Birthday!

You’re how old? OMG, that’s dead in doggy years! Be glad you’re not a dog. Happy Birthday!

Today, girl, there are things we can all marvel at. Like the length of time that you’ve been on this planet. Truly amazing!

I looked at today’s date and I realized it was your birthday, dearest friend! Then I thought about the year you were born! I’m surprised you’re still mobile and have all your own teeth.

Today, dearest friend, you have made me so grateful for something … that I’m not as old as you!

Before there were maps, people used the stars to guide them. I’d love to hear your stories about the challenges of getting around when you were young. Happy Birthday!

Dearest friend, it’s so special to know someone who was around when the pyramids were being built. Happy Birthday!

As the years’ pass, you might ache a little more. But that’s only because you’re getting old! Happy Birthday.

As your friend, I’m here to remind you of things that are important in life. Like ‘Are you sure you’re putting away enough money for your retirement?’

Dearest friend, remember you should count your blessings, not your years. Well, you don’t really have enough time left to count all your years!

I know you’re downhearted about your age this year but worry not. Your best mate will be there to help you blow out all the candles on your cake, so you can feel like a kid again!

Funny birthday wishes for friends (26-50)

I wouldn’t call you ancient, but it’s a privilege to know someone who was involved with the construction of Stonehenge! Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to the woman who has it all! Hearing loss, cataracts, hypertension, back pain and osteoarthritis to name but a few. Still, it’s your birthday, so enjoy!

You’re a woman whose very presence makes others happy. Thanks for reminding us that we’re not as old as you. Happy Birthday!

Sometimes, I feel like you’ve been around forever! That’s probably because you have! Happy Birthday!

As someone who’s been around since before the age of electricity, you’ve kept yourself in good shape. Well, round is still a shape. Happy Birthday!

Everyone thinks you’re really young, dearest friend, but only because you lie about your age. Happy Birthday!

Here’s to the years that you’ve been alive; there’s been so many yet you still survive. Incredible, when you think about it.

On your birthday, people often will tell you that you’re still a young man. Don’t believe them, they’re liars!

Don’t think of yourself as old today. You just have a lot more experience of life than most people.

Your beard is grey and your hairline’s disappeared below the horizon but, on the upside, there’ll be cake today.

May your birthday be filled with joy and a glass or two of wine. Well, if there’s wine I’m sure that’ll be good enough

Best wishes to a woman who thinks she’s still young but isn’t. However your embrace of delusion is impressive.

Facing another birthday, you might fear becoming an old man. Well, you needn’t worry because you’ve been an old man for years now.

Happy Birthday to a man who has witnessed first-hand so many great things! Like the invention of the steam engine.

I was going to make a joke about your age, but that would be a bit cruel, wouldn’t it? Happy Birthday!

They say memory fades as you get older. So, I’m guessing now you probably don’t remember life as it was when dinosaurs roamed the earth.

Honey, today on your birthday you don’t need to lift a finger. Don’t worry about the messy house or the dishes. I don’t mind. You can deal with them tomorrow. Happy Birthday!

You never seem to age, so let me remind you how old you really are: you’re old enough to drink, young enough to get pregnant, and just the right age to make something of yourself. So by all means, hurry up before it’s too late! Oh, and many happy returns.

I’d have put candles on your cake but there would have been so many that the carbon footprint would have breached the UNFCCC Paris Climate Accord.

40’s the old age of youth and 50’s the youth of old age. However, I’ve no idea what your age represents.

Happy Birthday to you. I hope you enjoy your day as much as I’ll enjoy eating free cake and ice cream.

I’m not saying you’re old but the songs on your iPhone are too old even for the GOLDEN OLDIES station to play.

Happy Birthday to someone who’s getting more valuable and better with age. Oh wait-a-minute, that’s wine. Happy Birthday to someone who’s just getting old!

I know you’re not thirty, flirty and thriving but hey, you’re still driving! That’s not bad for someone of your age.

Happy Birthday to someone good looking, smart, charismatic, and charming. No hang on a minute, I meant from someone good looking, smart, charismatic, and charming.

So, there you have it, dear reader, some funny birthday wishes for friends.

Now, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If so, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. Please share this post now.

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funny birthday wishes for friends, funny birthday wishes for friends, funny birthday wishes for friends, funny birthday wishes for friends,

Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: funny, funny birthday wishes, funny birthday wishes for friends, humor, humour, Inspiration, Inspirational Quotes, Life, Meaning, Motivation, Motivational Quotes, Philosophy, quotes, Witty, witty one liners, Witty Quotes

33 witty one-liners that will really tickle you

09/10/2025 by Roy Sutton

Would you like a few witty one-liners to brighten your day, dear reader?

Well, I’ve got an excellent selection for you today.

Once again, I’ve been trawling my journals to assemble a collection of witty one-liners that I’m confident you’ll enjoy.

These have all been collected over time, and I can’t be sure who the originators were, so I can’t provide an acknowledgement on this occasion. However, if you have any ideas, please let me know.

In the meantime, enjoy them all, and please do share them with your friends.

Witty one-liners (1-11):

Bad puns? That’s how eye roll.
My patience has stretch marks.
If you need an ark, I Noah guy.
Is a Will defined as a dead giveaway?
Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers.
I used to be a banker but I lost interest.
The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
Geology rocks but geography is where it’s at!
Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives.
Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up.
How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!

Witty one-liners (12-22):

I make apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow.
I wanted to grow herbs but I couldn’t find the thyme.
Simba was walking too slowly so I told him to Mufasa.
I used to sell computer parts but then I lost my drive.
The only thing flat-earthers have to fear is sphere itself.
Gravity jokes are getting old but I fall for them every time.
Why couldn’t the chicken find her eggs? She’d mislaid them.
Do people who climb the world’s highest mountain ever rest?
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
I tried to make a belt out of watches but it was a waist of time.
If a priest blesses an avocado does it become Holy Guacamole?

Witty one-liners (23-33):

I used to be a transplant surgeon but my heart just wasn’t in it.
Mosquitoes are like family – annoying, but they carry your blood.
England doesn’t have a kidney bank but it does have a Liverpool.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.
I was going to look for my missing watch but I couldn’t find the time.
I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Why was the baseball player a bad sport? He stole third base and then went home!
BREAKING NEWS: Cheese factory explodes in France. Nothing left but de Brie!
Stalin should have known communism wouldn’t work. There were red flags everywhere.
I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare but he chewed it a lot. Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.
Someone sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, Brilliant one liner quotes, Clever one liners, fun, funny, Hilarious, humor, humour, Puns, quotes, witty one liners

27 witty one-liners so good you’ll laugh out loud

09/06/2025 by Roy Sutton

Now, do you fancy a bit of a laugh? A few witty one-liners, maybe?

Would you really like something to make you smile?

You’d love to have a laugh or two, but you don’t have the time to enjoy anything for too long, right?

Well, fear not. You must make at least a little time for a laugh. It will make you feel so much better.

Today, I offer you 27 witty one-liners that are guaranteed to make you smile.

They all made me smile, and I’m confident that some of them will brighten your day, too.

If you enjoy humor that’s concise and razor-sharp, then this collection of witty one-liners is just for you, dear reader.

So go on, take a minute or two, and have a good laugh right now. Enjoy them all.

Witty One-Liners (1-10):

I think the worst thing about driving a time machine will be your kids in the back always moaning, ‘Are we then yet?‘ ~Paul F Taylor
If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself. ~Ian Smith
I wanted to be a baker, but I never rose to the challenge. ~Author Unknown
I’m writing a book on reverse psychology. Please don’t read it. ~Author Unknown
Crime in multi-storey car parks? That’s wrong on so many different levels. ~Tim Vine
As a kid, I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog. ~Gary Delaney
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. ~Nick Helm
I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe

Witty One-Liners (11-20):

Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~Jordan Brookes
I was trying to write a novel about puns, but it just turned out to be a play on words. ~Author Unknown
I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia, and she whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’ ~Author Unknown
One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, ‘Ah well, you only live once.’ ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So, I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger. ~Nick Hall
If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late. ~Joel Dommett
People say I’ve got no willpower, but I’ve quit smoking loads of times. ~Kai Humphries
I tried to write a pun about the wind, but it just blew away. ~Author Unknown
My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought, ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be?‘ ~Paul McCaffrey
It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel

Witty One-Liners (21-27):

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: This could be interesting. ~Paddy Lennox
I used to be a baker, but I could never make enough dough. ~Author Unknown
Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache, and glasses, I think, There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him. ~Carey Marx
“What’s a couple?’ I asked my mom. She said, “Two or three.’ Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed. ~Josie Long
I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara. ~Olaf Falafel
Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge? ~Dan Antolpolski

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30 clever one-liners that are sharp and witty

08/30/2025 by Roy Sutton

Here are 30 clever one-liners you’ll just love. They’re all sharp and witty and guaranteed to amuse you.

Take a minute to enjoy them all.

And don’t forget to pass them on as well.

Clever one-liners (1-15):

I can handle pain until it hurts.
I would lose weight, but I hate losing.
Life is just a s*xually transmitted disease.
I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Only our parents’ children are always right.
It’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
No, I’m not lazy, I’m in energy-saving mode.
If you see a toilet in your dream, do not use it.
It’s only funny when it’s not happening to you.
Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.
How could I miss you when you won’t go away?
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can’t find it.
What happens if I get scared half to death twice?
The light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off.
How come creditors always have better memories than debtors?

Clever one-liners (16-30):

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
A lottery is just a tax on people who don’t understand math.
Life would be so much better if we could mute some people.
When I need an expert’s advice, I stand in front of the mirror.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. Some only gargle.
If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.
Some people lose their tempers just from seeing you keep yours.
Did the first person to hear a parrot speak need therapy afterwards?
There is a solution for when your hair starts falling out. Put it in a box.
Don’t you get tired of having to look after your parents’ grandchildren?
Drinking coffee before you start work helps your co-workers live longer.
Don’t you just hate how spiders sit there on your wall and act like they pay rent?
I’m not looking for a stable relationship, I’ll settle for a stable internet connection.
If a man speaks in a forest and there are no women there to hear him, is he still wrong?
People always say they don’t believe in ghosts until they hear a strange noise in the middle of the night.

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If any of these clever one-liners made you smile, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. Please share this post now.

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British insults (21-40):

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Funny birthday wishes for friends (1-25)

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