5 long funny stories with morals to tell your friends

5 LONG FUNNY STORIES WITH MORALS

Here are five long funny stories with morals to tell your friends. They all made me smile, and I hope they brighten your day, too.

So, take a few moments to enjoy them all.

And please feel free to share them.

LONG FUNNY STORIES WITH MORALS
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Long funny stories with morals:

1. The nuns’ dilemma:

There were these two very clever, Catholic nuns. They were so clever that one was known only as Sister Mathematical, whilst the other went only by the name of Sister Logical.

One afternoon, they were returning to the Convent of St Mary, but they were still a long way off when it was beginning to get dark.

Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes?” said Sister Mathematical. “I wonder what he wants?

There’s a logical explanation,” said Sister Logical, “He wants to have his wicked way with us.

Oh Lord, no!” Sister Mathematical responded. “At the rate at which he’s walking, he will catch up with us in 13.8 minutes. What can we do?

The logical thing would be to walk faster.” Sister Logical replied.

So they carried on at a brisk pace, trying not to look back.

A few minutes went by, and Sister Mathematical observed, “We’ve doubled our pace, but this plan isn’t working.

“Naturally, it’s not working,” said Sister Logical, “The man responded logically by quickening his pace too. He’s now gaining on us.

What can we do?” asked Sister Mathematical. “At this rate, he’ll reach us in less than one minute.

The logical thing to do now is to split”, replied Sister Logical. “If we go off in different directions, he can’t follow both of us.

So off they went in different directions and, as luck would have it, the man followed Sister Logical.

Eventually, Sister Mathematical arrived back at the convent, but she was worried about what might have happened to her friend.

Within a few minutes, Sister Logical suddenly appeared, back at the convent.

Oh, Sister Logical”, Sister Mathematical exclaimed. “Thank the Lord, you’re back safely. Tell me what happened.

Well, logically, the man could only follow one of us”, said Sister Logical, “and he chose to follow me.

Yes, yes!” said Sister Mathematical, “But what happened then?

Well, I took the logical course of action”, said Sister Logical, “and I ran as fast as I could and even faster than we had been running together.

So then what happened?” Sister Mathematical replied.

He responded logically, and he ran even faster, too,” said Sister Logical. “And within a minute, he’d caught up with me.

Oh, dear Lord!” said Sister Mathematical. “What did you do then?

I did the only logical thing I could do”, Sister Logical replied, “I lifted the skirt of my habit to my waist.

Oh, dear Lord!” said Sister Mathematical. “And what did he do then?

The logical thing for him”, Sister Logical replied. “He pulled his trousers down to his ankles.

Oh, dear Lord!” said Sister Mathematical. “And what happened next?

Isn’t that logical, Sister?” Sister Logical responded. “A nun with her habit up can run a lot faster than a man with his trousers down.

Moral of the Story: Readers eagerly anticipating a story of a more adult nature, go and say three Hail Marys!

2. Community service:

One day, a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

The barber did an excellent job and, being very pleased with the result, the florist asked for the bill.

There’s no charge today, sir”, said the barber. “I can’t accept money from you because I’m doing community service this week.”

The florist appreciated this generous gesture, so he thanked the barber and left the shop.

However, when the barber arrived to open his shop the next morning, a dozen roses were waiting for him on his doorstep with a Thank You card from the florist.

Not long after the shop opened, a cop came in for a haircut.

Once again, the barber does an excellent job, but when the cop tries to settle the bill, he gets the same response.

There’s no charge today, sir”, said the barber. “I can’t accept money from you because I’m doing community service this week.”

The cop said he appreciated the gesture and thanked the barber. He then left the shop.

However, when the barber arrived to open his shop the next morning, there was a box of a dozen donuts waiting for him on his doorstep with a Thank You card from the cop.

Later that day, a congressman walked in for a haircut.

Once again, the barber excelled himself, producing the perfect haircut, but when the congressman tried to settle the bill, he got the same response too.

There’s no charge today, sir”, said the barber. “I can’t accept money from you because I’m doing community service this week.”

So the congressman thanked the barber and happily left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open his shop, there were a dozen congressmen lined up in the street waiting for a free haircut.

Moral of the Story: Politicians are driven only by self-interest and what’s in it for them.

3. Sunday Service:

It’s Sunday morning, and the Pastor at the Church of the Holy Sepulchre in Carmel, California, is delivering his sermon.

Midway through the sermon, the Pastor asks three men in the front row, “Gentlemen, what would you want your loved ones to say as they’re looking down at you in your coffin?

Phil responds first and says, “That I was a good husband and father.

Then Jim says, “That I lived an honest life and was kind to others.”

Finally, Dan couldn’t help himself, and he quips, “Look! He’s moving!

Moral of the Story: Never, ever take life too seriously.

4. The crocodile farm:

There was a group of tourists visiting a crocodile farm in the Florida Keys, and they were standing on a floating structure in the middle of an enormous lake, surrounded by crocodiles.

Suddenly, the farm’s owner shouts, “The first person to jump into the lake and successfully swim to shore will receive 10 million dollars.

The silence was deafening. People were looking at each other with expressions of absolute horror on their faces.

Then suddenly, a man jumps into the water and starts swimming like his life depended on it.

As the other visitors watched events unfold, the man headed for the shore, with a dozen crocodiles chasing in hot pursuit, all anticipating an unexpected meal.

The crocodiles were fast, but the man swam like greased lightning, and he managed to reach the shore unharmed.

As the man staggered up the beach, the owner announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!

After receiving the reward, the man and his wife returned to their hotel.

The man’s face was still ashen as he said to his wife, “I didn’t jump. Someone pushed me.

His wife smiled and, with a wink of her eye, said, “I know, dear, it was me!

Moral of the Story: Behind every successful man, there’s always a woman to give him a little push.

5. The old lady at the bank:

An old lady walked up to the counter in her bank, handed her bank card to the teller and then said, “Mam, I would like to withdraw $10.”

Giving the old lady a look bordering on contempt, the teller replied, “For withdrawals of less than $100, you must use the ATM, mam.

Looking a little crestfallen, the old lady asked why she couldn’t withdraw her money from the counter.

These are the rules, mam,” said the teller irritably, as she returned the bank card to the old lady. “Now move along, please, because there’s a line of customers behind you.

The old lady remained silent for a few seconds as she gathered her thoughts.

She then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Then please, can you help me withdraw all the money I have in my account?

The teller took the old lady’s card and tapped her details into the computer. She was astonished to see just how much the old lady had in her account.

Mam, you have over $300,000 in your account,” said the teller, “the bank doesn’t have that much cash available today. You’ll need to make an appointment and come back tomorrow?

The old lady smiled and asked, “How much can I withdraw now?

Well, mam, you can withdraw up to $3,000”, the teller responded.

In that case, let me have $3,000 now, in $10 bills, please“, said the old lady.

So, the teller laboriously counted out the $3,000 in $10 bills, then counted again, and finally, she handed the cash to the old lady.

As the old lady took $10 from the top of the pile and put it in her purse, the teller then said, “Would there be anything else I can help you with today, mam?”

Yes!” said the old lady with a smile, “I’d like to deposit $2990 into my account, please.”

Moral of the Story: Don’t mess with old people; they’ve spent a lifetime mastering skills younger people couldn’t even begin to appreciate.

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So dear reader, were these long funny stories with morals as amusing as you’d hoped? Did they make you laugh?

I hope so.

However, there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read, then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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25 very corny jokes that’ll cheer you up guaranteed

If you’ve been searching for some very corny jokes, this article is for you, dear reader.

Life can be stressful for everyone, so we all must laugh every day.

To help you with that, I’ve been collecting some more very corny jokes. These all made me smile, and I hope they will make you smile too.

Unfortunately, despite best efforts, it hasn’t been possible to identify the original authors of these very corny jokes, so for the moment they remain ‘Author Unknown.’

However, if you’re able to help with that, do let me know. My aim always is to acknowledge the work of others whenever possible.

So here they are, 25 very corny jokes that will cheer you up, guaranteed.

VERY CORNY JOKES
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Very Corny Jokes:

1. What do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

2. What’s the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?

A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.

3. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball against each other?

Juan on Juan.

4. Why did the jaguar eat the tightrope walker?

It was craving a well-balanced meal.

5. What did the big bucket say to the smaller one?

You’re looking a little pail.

6. What did one hat say to the other?

You stay here and I’ll go on ahead.

7. How does a duck buy lipstick?

She just puts it on her bill.

8. What do you do when you see a spaceman?

Park your car, man.

9. What do you do with epileptic lettuce?

Make a seizure salad.

10. Why was the poor guy selling yeast?

To raise some dough.

11. Who does a pharaoh talk to when he’s sad?

His mummy.

12. How much does a pirate pay for corn?

A buccaneer.

13. How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?

He could feel his presents.

14. I just wrote a book on reverse psychology.

Do not read it!

15. Why can’t you trust an atom?

Because they make up literally everything.

16. What does a grape say after it’s stepped on?

Nothing. It just lets out a little wine.

17. What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?

It gets toad away.

18. How come oysters never donate to charity?

Because they’re shellfish.

19. Why did the pig leave the party early?

Because everyone thought he was a boar.

20. Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?

Because there’s no point.

21. A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke.

Thank goodness it was a soft drink.

22. Did you hear about the dog that loved eating garlic?

His bark was much worse than his bite.

23. What has four legs and flies?

A dead horse.

24. What’s the difference between a businessman and a warm dog?

The businessman wears a suit, the dog just pants.

25. What kind of monkey can fly?

A hot air baboon.

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Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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The 30 best bitchy comments that’ll make you smile

The 30 best bitchy comments

Ladies, do you ever find yourself in need of some bitchy comments?

Gentlemen, do you need a quiver full of little arrows to pierce even the hardest heart?

Having the right comment to respond on those occasions when you need to put someone firmly in their place?

For those occasions when you need to send out a message that says, You mess with me at your peril.

Well, here are 30 great bitchy comments, all of which made me smile.

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Bitchy Comments:

  1. You’re wearing that dress for a bet, surely?
  2. She’s not a drinker, but she certainly likes a whine.
  3. I don’t need your drama. Go bother someone else.
  4. Hey, Balls just called. They want you to grow a pair.
  5. I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you right now.
  6. I’m not responsible for what my face does when you talk.
  7. There are two things I dislike about you, girl. Your face!
  8. Yes, I am crazy, and you’d be unwise to mess with crazy.
  9. Being opinionated is not the same as being informed, dear.
  10. OMG! She’s really been hit with the ugly stick, hasn’t she?
  11. Nice dress! Where did you buy it, Dick’s Sporting Goods?
  12. I’ve met some pricks in my time, but you’re the full cactus.
  13. I try to see the best in people, but you certainly make it hard.
  14. You’re upset with me? So what! I don’t exist just to please you.
  15. I may have multiple personalities, but none of them like you.
  16. Oh, there’s a new man in your life. Does he still have his own hair?
  17. If you want to lose weight quickly, you could always shave your legs.
  18. What you think of me can’t be half as bad as my opinion of you.
  19. I’d say something complimentary about you, but I’m not that dishonest.
  20. I don’t hate you, but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
  21. You’re confusing me with someone who cares what you think.
  22. I’m as nice as the next girl until life forces me to unleash the Bitch.
  23. You remind me of a penny. Two-faced and not worth much.
  24. I’d beat you with a hammer, but you’re not worth the jail time.
  25. You’re such a fake. I’m guessing you were made in China.
  26. I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your comprehension.
  27. Feel free to judge me when you’re perfect. Oh, that would be never then.
  28. No, I didn’t intend to offend you. That was just a bonus for which I’m grateful.
  29. Don’t hate me because I’m attractive. Hate me because my bxxbs are bigger than yours.
  30. Leave sarcasm to the professionals, sweetie. You’ll get hurt if you play with fire.

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You did? I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case, please share this post with your friends because when you share, everyone wins.

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60 British insults for getting your message across

When it comes to insults, the British certainly can have a clever turn of phrase. Well, I think so, but then again, I am British, so perhaps I’m a little bit biased. Therefore, allow me to offer you 60 British insults to prove my point.

All of these clever comebacks made me smile, and I hope you’ll enjoy at least some of them too.

So take a few minutes to appreciate the British sense of humour, and please feel free to pass them on.

BRITISH INSULTS
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British insults (1-20):

  1. Get lost!
  2. You stink!
  3. You wazzock!
  4. A pox on you.
  5. Do one, tosser!
  6. You gormless git!
  7. You silly plonker!
  8. Shove it up your ass!
  9. You pointless prick!
  10. Just get out of my sight.
  11. You’re as daft as a brush.
  12. You sir are a waste of space.
  13. You’re an absolute doorknob.
  14. You’re as mad as a box of frogs.
  15. You’re a sandwich short of a picnic.
  16. Watch where you’re going, dipstick!
  17. You corrosive lump of faecal horror.
  18. You have a mouth like a torn pocket.
  19. Pigs in a sty smell better than you do.
  20. You’re a waste of the air you breathe.

British insults (21-40):

  1. You look ill. Should I call a vet for you?
  2. Wow, you’ve got a great face, for radio!
  3. Are you talking to me or chewing a brick?
  4. Nice hair. Does it grow all over your back?
  5. You’re wearing that shirt for a bet, surely?
  6. Do you have anything edible on the menu?
  7. Is it normal to foam at the mouth like that?
  8. You’ve got a face like a bag of smashed crabs.
  9. Boy, you’ve been whacked with the ugly stick!
  10. Is that rotting flesh or your armpits I can smell?
  11. You’ve got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.
  12. You add less value than the excrement on my shoe.
  13. Do that again and I’ll have your guts for garters.
  14. You don’t have to be a complete tosser all your life.
  15. You’re so obnoxious, how do you live with yourself?
  16. Where I come from we walk the family pet not eat it.
  17. I’m guessing they don’t sell deodorant where you live.
  18. Why don’t you go sit on the rough end of a pineapple?
  19. I’d call you a whore but that would be unfair to whores.
  20. I don’t hate you but may your death be slow and painful.
British Insults

British insults (41-60):

  1. Perhaps it might just be a ‘You’ problem?
  2. Only a complete slimeball would think that’s acceptable.
  3. Yes, I’d love to meet your parents. When does the zoo open?
  4. Well, aren’t you a little bundle of something quite unpleasant?
  5. Yes, I’m drunk but tomorrow I’ll be sober and you’ll still be ugly.
  6. What’s the matter with you? You’ve got a face like a melted welly.
  7. Everyone has the right to be ugly but you’re abusing that privilege.
  8. If you really must smile it would be better if you visited a dentist first.
  9. Call me unworldly if you must, but do women normally have hair there?
  10. With a menu as bad as this I won’t have any problem sticking to my diet.
  11. I wouldn’t call you ugly but you’ve got a face like a blind cobbler’s thumb.
  12. I think you’re brave in showing your face in public, without a bag covering it.
  13. What’s wrong with you? You’re walking like your ass is chewing a toffee.
  14. If you want to lose weight quickly dear, you could try shaving your legs.
  15. I’d call you ugly but that doesn’t quite say what a truly unpleasant sight you are.
  16. I must have done something terrible in another life to deserve a minge bag like you.
  17. People say you’re a bit of a spanner but in my experience, you’re more the full toolkit.
  18. If you could just listen to yourself for a minute you’d realize your opinion is ridiculous.
  19. Could I borrow a hosepipe, please? You look like you’re in need of some colonic irrigation.
  20. I know I asked for a rare steak but a good vet could have this one back on its feet in an instant.
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If you did enjoy this article, then please share it with your friends on social media.

People do enjoy British insults, so please share this post now.

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Thank you.

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4 funny can’t stop laughing jokes you’ll love

If you need a laugh, here are four funny can’t stop laughing jokes you’ll love.

They all tickled me, and I’m confident they will tickle you, too.

So grab a coffee, relax, and take a few moments to enjoy them all.

And when you’re done, feel free to share the fun.

funny can't stop laughing jokes
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Funny can’t stop laughing jokes:

1. Young Johnny:

Young Johnny wanted desperately to get a set of drums for his birthday.

His parents weren’t keen on the idea but his grandparents being grandparents couldn’t resist bringing a smile to his face and they bought him the drums.

Gee thanks, this is the best present I’ve ever had”, said Johnny excitedly, when his grandparents gave him their gift.

A week later his grandad came to visit and he was asking Johnny how he was getting on with playing the drums.

They’ve already earned me over $100”, said Johnny

Wow”, said grandad, “you must be getting really good at playing them.”

Not really”, said Johnny, “but mum gives me $10 each day for not playing them during the day and dad gives me $10 a day for not playing them in the evening.”

2. The Violin Recital:

Bill had been invited round to his neighbour’s house to listen to a violin recital being given by the neighbour’s son.

They listened intently for 30 minutes and at the end of the recital the neighbour looked at Bill and said, “What do you think?

Well, if I’m honest”, said Bill, “he reminds me of Jamie Callum.”

Really?” said the neighbour, “I didn’t even know Jamie Callum could play the violin.”

He can’t”, said Bill, “and neither can your son.”

3. You can’t win:

A Highway Patrol officer pulls over a speeding car on Interstate 5.

Sir, I’ve just clocked your speed at 80 miles per hour,” says the officer.

How’s that possible, officer?” says the driver. “I was driving the car on cruise control set at 55. I think your radar gun must need re-calibrating.”

As she continues with her knitting, his wife says: “Now come on dear, be honest with the officer. You know this car doesn’t have cruise control.

As the officer is writing up the ticket, the driver looks angrily at his wife and says, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut!

His wife smiles innocently and says, “Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did, or your speed would have been even higher.”

The Highway Patrol officer immediately starts writing up a second ticket for the illegal use of a radar detector.

Once again, the driver stares at his wife angrily.

Listen, women,” says the driver, “just keep your mouth shut, please.”

The officer frowns as he’s listening to this exchange and then says, “Sir, I noticed you weren’t wearing your seat belt. I’m afraid that’s an automatic fine of $75.

Please, officer,” says the guy, “I did have it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my coat pocket.”

To which his wife responds, “Now, you know that’s not true, dear. You didn’t have your seat belt on because you never wear your seat belt.”

The Highway Patrol officer starts writing up a third ticket, as the driver explodes and screams at his wife, “WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!

At this point, the Highway Patrol officer looks over at the wife and asks, politely, “Mam, does your husband always speak to you this way?

She looks at her husband innocently and then says, “Only when he’s been drinking.

4. A healthy diet:

Jim and Mildred, both in their 90s, were killed suddenly when the bus they were on crashed in bad weather.

This was sad because they’d been in excellent health due to a strict regime of eating only healthy foods, abstaining from drinking alcohol, plenty of exercises and watching their weight.

When St Peter welcomed them, he showed them around the first-class facilities now available to them in Heaven.

Jim was really impressed with the beautiful scenery, the eighteen-hole golf course and the Olympic-sized swimming pool.

This place is really amazing”, said Jim.

That’s not all,” said St Peter, “let me show you around our five-star restaurant.”

He then led them into the most amazing restaurant with a sumptuous buffet serving every type of delicious food you could imagine.

Where’s the low-fat table?” asked Jim.

Oh you don’t need to worry about that anymore”, said St Peter. “You can eat anything you like here. You’re in Heaven now! You can eat as much as you like too. Drink wine; drink beer as well. None of it will affect you.

Jim suddenly became quite irritated and he threw his hat to the ground.

What’s the problem?” asked St Peter.

Mildred”, Jim snapped, “if you hadn’t insisted on that ghastly diet of All-Bran, Tofu, lentils and oatmeal, we could have been here 10 years ago!

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If you enjoyed these funny, can’t-stop-laughing jokes dear reader then please share this post on social media with your friends.

Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

And if you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you for your support.

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5 very funny jokes to get you smiling a little

Laughter is always the best medicine, and it’s a great way to lift yourself if you’re feeling down. So, here are five very funny jokes to brighten your day.

I’m confident that you will enjoy them all, dear reader.

So take an unofficial break, enjoy them all, and please, feel free to pass them on.

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Very Funny Jokes:

1. Store policy:

The store manager overheard her sales assistant saying to an elderly customer, “No mam, we haven’t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn’t look like we’ll be getting any soon.

Alarmed by what she’d heard, the store manager rushed over to the elderly lady as she was leaving the store and said, “Mam, I am so sorry; the information you were given was incorrect. We will actually have some very soon. We’ve placed an order today.

The elderly lady gave the store manager a slightly puzzled look, but then just smiled and left the store.

The store manager then walked back over to her sales assistant and said very sternly, “You must never say that we don’t have something. If we don’t have it, say we have it on order and we expect it any day. Do you understand me?

Yes, mam!” responded the sales assistant.

So what was it the old lady was asking for?” asked the store manager.

Rain”, responded her sales assistant.

2. Bad news:

Dan went to his physician for his annual check-up.

However, he was shocked when his doctor said to him, “I’m afraid you’ve only got three weeks to live.

Are you sure?” said Dan, “I feel fine. Isn’t there anything that can be done?”

“Well,” said his doctor, “you could try taking a mud bath each day.”

“Will that cure me?” asked Dan.

“No, but it’ll get you used to the dirt,” responded the physician.

3. Generational divide:

Jill and Frank are a young couple who have just gotten married, and they are on their honeymoon in Majorca.

They are on an all-inclusive package holiday, and when they arrive in the hotel restaurant for dinner, they are seated with an elderly couple who are celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary.

Throughout dinner, the old man keeps referring to his wife as honey, or sweetie pie, and a few other terms of endearment.

As they are enjoying a liqueur at the end of the meal, Jill says to the elderly couple, “I am so impressed. I hope that if Frank and I make it to our 60th anniversary, he’ll still be calling me sweetie pie.

The old man smiled and said, “To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 20 years ago.

4. The parking ticket:

Let me tell you a story about something that happened last week. My wife and I went into town to do some shopping. We came out of a store only to see a cop writing out a parking ticket.

Naturally, I went up to him and said, “Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior citizen a break?

Well, he just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

As he completed the ticket and was putting it on the windshield, I called him a “schmuck.”

Well, he just glared at me and then started writing another ticket, this time for having worn-out tires.

As he completed that ticket, my wife called him a “jerk.”

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we called him offensive names, the more tickets he wrote. Having slapped the last one on the windshield, he then started walking away with a smirk on his face.

Just then, our bus arrived, so we got on it and went home.

5. Embarrassing situations:

By nature, Jason was intelligent but a bit shy. One day, he went into a bar, and he saw a stunningly attractive woman sitting alone at a table drinking a white-wine spritzer.

Jason couldn’t take his eyes off this woman, and eventually, he plucked up the courage to walk across and speak to her.

Hello, I’m Jason. Would you mind if I sat with you and chatted for a while?” asked Jason quietly but politely.

The woman responded by yelling at the top of her voice, “No! I will not sleep with you tonight!

Jason blushed, beetroot red with embarrassment, and everyone in the bar looked over to see what was happening.

So he walked back over to the counter where he’d been sitting, reflecting on how he might have handled the situation and intending to leave the bar as soon as he’d finished his drink.

However, a couple of minutes later, the attractive woman walked over to him and apologised.

I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m a PhD student at Harvard, and I’m researching how people respond in embarrassing situations.

To which Jason responded, yelling loudly at the top of his voice, “What do you mean you charge three hundred dollars minimum?

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5 funny jokes to cheer up a friend and make you smile

If you’re looking for some funny jokes to cheer up a friend, then how about these five I have on offer today?

I’ve told them to a few people recently, and the responses have all been positive.

By positive, I mean laughter has followed.

So enjoy them all, and feel free to share them with your friends.

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Funny jokes to cheer up a friend:

1. The new store on Main Street:

Jerry and Mike were two young businessmen who were setting up a new store on Main Street.

The store wasn’t quite ready for opening yet, but at least all the shelves were now set up and located in their proper places.

They’d had a hectic morning setting up those shelves, so they were now taking a well-earned break.

As they surveyed the results of all their hard work, Jerry said, “I’ll bet you any minute now someone will walk by, put their face to the window, and then ask what we’re selling.

Mike smiled, but before he could respond, a little old lady was peering through the glass. In a soft voice, she said, “What are you selling here?”

Well, Jerry couldn’t resist a sarcastic response.

“We’re selling schmucks,” he said.

Right back at him, the little old lady responded, “You’re doing well then. You’ve only got two left!

2. The geek and the frog:

A geek is having his lunch on campus. It’s a beautiful spring day, so the geek is sitting on the grass outside the college building, brown bag in hand.

There’s a fountain close by, and as he’s enjoying a sandwich, suddenly a frog hops from the water and straight over to speak to the geek.

Hello,” says the frog. “Thank goodness you’re here. I’m a beautiful princess, but the wicked witch has cursed me. A kiss from you will break the spell. If you could do that for me, I’ll be ever so grateful.

The geek stares at the frog momentarily, then picks it up without saying a word and puts it in his pocket. Having finished his lunch, he then gets up and heads back towards the college building.

The frog can’t believe what’s happening.

Hey, did you hear me?” the frog asks. “Kiss me, and you’ll have your beautiful princess.

The geek pats the frog on the head and begins to whistle.

The frog is starting to get a little concerned.

Please, help me,” says the frog. “I don’t want to remain a frog. I want to be the princess I once was. If you kiss me, I’ll marry you. Then you’ll be royalty, and you will lead a charmed life for as long as you live.”

Look, froggy,” says the geek. “I’m a computer software geek. I wouldn’t know what to do with a girlfriend. However, a talking frog? Now, that’s cool.

3. The affair:

A wealthy, married businessman from New York had been having an affair with an attractive Italian woman for a few months.

One night, during their regular rendezvous in Manhattan, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

For him, this was a significant problem, both in terms of the potential reputational damage and the risk of a costly divorce.

So, he paid her a large sum of money and a regular monthly allowance on the condition that she would return to Italy to have the child.

He also promised her that if she stayed in Italy, he would pay her child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed to this proposal, but then wondered how she could let him know when the baby was born.

We’ll have to use a code,” said the man. “To keep it discreet, send me a postcard when the baby is born. And to confirm the baby’s birth, write Spaghetti on the back.

Nine months later, the wealthy businessman arrived home to find his wife looking very confused.

Honey,” she said, “you’ve received a very odd postcard today.”

Let me look,” he said.

His wife handed him the postcard and watched as he read it. He looked surprised and quickly turned white, then red, before he fainted.

On the postcard was written, “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.

4. The baptism:

A drunken guy stumbles across a baptismal service one Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He walks into the water and stands next to the preacher. The preacher notices the drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?

The drunk looks at him and says, “Yes, preacher, I am.”

The minister dunks the guy underwater and pulls him right back up.

Have you found Jesus?” asks the preacher.

No, sir, I haven’t!” said the drunk.

The preacher dunks him under the water a second time for a more extended period, then brings him up and says, “Now, my friend, have you found Jesus?

No, sir, I haven’t,” the drunk responds.

Frustrated, the preacher holds the man under for a full minute this time before bringing him back to the surface. He says to him in a harsh tone, “My God, sir, have you found Jesus yet?

The drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?

5. The flying experience:

Boarding was now complete on Flight 205, and all passengers were seated, awaiting the pilot and co-pilot.

The pilot and co-pilot arrive, and as they climb the steps to the plane, passengers notice that they’re both wearing dark glasses and both have long white sticks. They both appear to be blind, as they’re using the sticks to feel their way up the steps.

Well, naturally, the passengers start to freak out as they watch them struggle to find their way into the cockpit with the help of the cabin crew.

The cabin crew then prepare for departure, as if everything is normal, carrying out their final checks and so on.

Quickly, as it now all appears normal, the passengers start to calm down. They assume the pilot and co-pilot must have been joking at their expense.

Eventually, the plane moves off the stand, and within minutes, it is cleared for takeoff.

The plane is now racing down the runway.

At the end of the airport runway, a very steep cliff falls away into the open sea.

As the plane speeds down the runway, there’s no sign of lift-off, and the cliff edge is getting closer and closer by the second.

The passengers start screaming in panic, but then, suddenly, the plane is airborne, and calm returns once again.

In the cockpit at this moment, the pilot says to the co-pilot, “You know, one of these days, the passengers won’t scream early enough, and we’re all going to die.”

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12 funniest jokes you’ll read today

12 funniest jokes

We all need a smile or two now and then. Jokes cheer us up, and laughter is the best medicine. So today I offer you 12 of the funniest jokes, each in two lines.

Let me say that these are jokes that I’ve stumbled upon in various places, so I cannot claim credit for them.

However, I wasn’t able to identify the original authors either.

Should you be the author of any of these jokes, or should you know the original author, then please let me know.

I would welcome the opportunity to add appropriate credits and links to acknowledge the authors. In the meantime, enjoy them all!

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Funniest Jokes:

  • You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving
  • You only need a parachute if you plan to go skydiving twice
  • Parallel lines have so much in common
  • It’s a shame they’ll never meet
  • Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I earn
  • Then they call me ugly and poor
  • Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re going to pay
  • You have my Word
  • I went to an emotional wedding the other day
  • Even the cake was in tiers
  • Someone stole my mood ring
  • I don’t know how I feel about that
  • I tried to catch fog yesterday
  • Mist
  • Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
  • If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan
  • I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrow too high
  • She looked surprised
  • I threw a boomerang a few years ago
  • I now live in constant fear
  • A guy shows up late for work. His boss yells, “You should’ve been here at 8.30!”
  • The guy replies, “Why? What happened at 8.30?
  • To people who say, “My dog is my best friend.”
  • I say, “Your dog may be your best friend, but will it pick you up from the airport? I think not.”
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Perhaps you prefer to listen rather than read. Well, why wouldn’t you?

Imagine having unlimited access to the funniest audiobooks, comedy specials, and laugh-out-loud performances anytime, anywhere.

Well, that is precisely what you get with Audible. 

Quite simply, it is a game-changer for comedy enthusiasts!

Instant access to top comedy titles: Whether it is classic works by legends like George Carlin and Dave Chappelle or the newest releases from today’s hottest comedians (think Kevin Hart, Ali Wong, or Trevor Noah), Audible has a vast library that is packed with comedy gold. Whatever your preference, you’ll always find something to tickle your funny bone.

Hear the jokes come to life: Reading comedy is one thing, but hearing it delivered by the original performer takes the experience to another level. The timing, tone, and energy of a live performance shine through in audiobooks, making every punchline land with greater impact.

Laugh on the go: Whether you’re stuck in traffic, sitting on a bus, or just waiting in line, an Audible subscription can turn even dull moments into a comedy club experience. Just put on your headphones and let the funniest comedians turn your commute or workout into a laugh fest.

Exclusive comedy originals:?If you don’t know it, Audible produces original comedy content you won’t find anywhere else, featuring top-tier comedians in special performances, improv shows, and behind-the-scenes storytelling.

Flexible listening, risk-free:?Don’t forget that there’s a trial and easy exchanges if a title isn’t your style. Audible makes it simple to explore new comedians without buyer’s remorse. Plus, you keep your books even if you cancel!

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Try Audible today and discover why it’s the best investment any comedy lover can make.

Start your trial now and get your first comedy audiobook free!

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Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

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5 Best funny jokes for adults that’ll make you laugh

If you’re looking for the best funny jokes for adults, then here are five gems for you today.

I’m confident that you’ll enjoy them all.

Remember, laughter is the best medicine.

So, grab a coffee, relax, and take an unofficial break for a good laugh.

And please feel free to pass them on.

BEST FUNNY JOKES FOR ADULTS
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Best funny jokes for adults:

1. The atheist and the cowboy:

An atheist boards a flight from Dallas to New York and sits next to a dusty old cowboy.

As he’s taking his seat, the atheist says to the cowboy, “Well, howdy. Would you like to talk? I find flights go quicker when you can have a conversation with a fellow passenger.

The old cowboy puts down the inflight magazine he’d been reading and says, “What would you want to talk about, buddy?

Well,” says the atheist, with a smug smile, “we could talk about why there’s no God. How about we discuss why there’s no Heaven, no Hell, and no life after death?

The old cowboy smiles a knowing smile and then says, “Yeah, they might be interesting topics to discuss, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff. Grass, right? Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces clumps of manure. Now, why do you suppose that is?

The atheist is surprised by this question but thinks for a moment and then responds, “Well, I have no idea.”

The old cowboy smiles a wry smile and then replies, “So, why do you feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death when you don’t know much at all?

2. The challenge:

Jeff was a teenage boy who’d just passed his driving test. Naturally, he was keen to start driving. So, he asked his dad if he could use the family car on Sundays, when it was otherwise unused.

Well, Jeff,” said his dad, “I’d need you to bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut before I’d be willing to talk about you using the car.”

Jeff thought about it momentarily, realised it was the best offer he was likely to get, and so, he decided to accept his dad’s offer. And with that, they shook hands on it.

At the end of the semester, Jeff’s dad said, “Son, I’m pleased you’ve improved your grades, and your willingness to study the bible hasn’t gone unnoticed either, but I’m disappointed you still haven’t had your hair cut.”

Dad,” said Jeff, “I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed from my Bible study that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.

Dad smiled at Jeff and then said, “And did you also notice that they all had to walk everywhere they went?

3. The corny pun 1:

During colonial times, William Penn, the founder of Pennsylvania, was one of Philadelphia’s most prominent citizens.

Penn had two maiden aunts who owned a bakery known far and wide for its fruit pies, which were reputed to be the best available anywhere.

After many years of success, the two aunts had a serious falling out.

The falling out was so serious that they stopped speaking to one another altogether. Then one moved across the street and opened her own bakery, putting the two in competition.

It wasn’t long before there was a price war going on between them, with each aunt lowering her prices to undercut the other.

Eventually, it became so ridiculous that they were selling their products at a loss.

By this time, the only topic of conversation in town was the pie rates of Penn’s aunts.

BEST FUNNY JOKES FOR ADULTS

4. The corny pun 2:

Elmer and Buck are two hillbillies having lunch in Denny’s restaurant. They’re sitting at the counter, enjoying their food, and discussing their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman seated at a nearby table begins to cough violently.

It seemed the bite she’d taken from her club sandwich had gone down the wrong way.

She continues to cough violently for a minute or so, and she’s starting to get quite distressed.

Elmer walks over to the lady and says, “Mam, kin ya swallar?’

The woman shakes her head, suggesting she couldn’t, as she continues to struggle with her breathing.

“Mam, kin ya breathe?” Elmer continues.

Again, she indicates she can’t, as she begins to turn blue.

At this point, Elmer grabs the woman’s skirt, lifting it before yanking down her underwear, and then he starts licking her right butt cheek with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, Elmer returns to the counter, and as he does so, Buck says to him, “Ya know, I’d heard of that there ‘Hind Lick Manoeuvre’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it, until now.”

5. The emergency landing:

Jack and Mabel are an elderly couple flying to Hawaii for a vacation to celebrate their golden wedding anniversary.

They’re enjoying the in-flight service when suddenly, over the public address system, the captain makes an announcement.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have some unfortunate news to share with you. We’re having serious problems with all four engines, and we have no choice but to make an emergency landing. Luckily, there’s a remote island just ahead of us with a long, flat beach. We should be able to land the plane safely. However, we also have problems with our communications, so we won’t be able to summon help. So, we may never be rescued, and we may have to spend the rest of our lives on this island.

The pilot manages to land the plane safely, and the passengers all exit the aircraft via the inflatable evacuation slides.

They’re all wandering around the beach looking a little bewildered when Mabel says to Jack, “Honey, what are we going to do?

Jack thinks momentarily and then says, “Mabel, did you manage to make the car lease payment this month?

No, sweetheart,” Mabel responds sheepishly, “I was so excited about our trip that I forgot.”

Well,” Jack continues, “how about settling our credit card bill? Did you manage to do that before we left?

Oh no, I didn’t!” says Mabel, “and it was a big one this month with all the expense of this holiday.

Right, then,” Jack continues, “did you manage to settle the medical bill for the hospital treatment I had last month?

No, sweetheart,” Mable responds, getting visibly upset, “again, I forgot.

Jack gives Mabel the biggest hug, and then he says, “There’s absolutely nothing to worry about, dear. We owe money, so they’ll find us!

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15 more short story jokes guaranteed to make you laugh

Looking for some more short story jokes, dear reader? Well, I’ve got 15 funny ones here for you today. I guarantee they’ll make you laugh.

So, grab a cup of coffee and take a few moments to relax and enjoy them all.

And please, feel free to pass them on.

more short story jokes
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More Short Story Jokes (1-5):

1. The Brown Bear:

Two friends, Bill and George were out hiking in the Katmai National Park in Alaska when suddenly they saw a brown bear ambling along in their direction.

Bill immediately takes out a pair of running shoes from his backpack and then sits down to replace his heavy hiking books with his Nikes.

George is puzzled by Bill’s actions, so naturally, he asks, “Bill why are you putting on your running shoes right now?

George, you don’t seriously think I’m going to hang around until we’re spotted by that bear, do you?” Bill responds.

Bill, don’t be ridiculous,” said George, “you’ll never outrun a brown bear.

I don’t have to outrun the bear,” Bill responded “I only have to outrun you!

With that Bill disappeared into the distance shouting back as he went, “Good luck with that bear George.

2. The Efficiency Expert:

I took my wife to a fancy restaurant in Manhattan called The Lemon Tree.

As the waiter was taking our order I noticed he had a spoon in his shirt pocket. This seemed a little strange but initially, I ignored it.

However, when the busboy brought our water and utensils, I couldn’t help noticing that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

And then as I gazed around the restaurant I could see that all the staff had spoons in their shirt pockets.

So when the waiter came back to serve the soup naturally I enquired, “Why is every member of staff here carrying a spoon?

Well,” said the waiter, “the restaurant’s owner hired consultants from McKinsey to improve our processes. After several weeks of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. They calculated that there was a drop frequency of approximately three spoons per table per hour.

Are you serious?” I felt compelled to ask.

Yes sir!” said the waiter. “They concluded that if our people are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.

As luck would have it at this point I managed to drop my spoon and he replaced it with the spare from his pocket immediately.

He then explained, “I’ll simply get another spoon when I next go to the kitchen, rather than making a special trip there right now.

Such efficiency was impressive.

I then noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.

Looking around, I could see that all of the other waiters had the same string hanging from their flies too.

Puzzled by this I asked the waiter, “Why do you all have a string hanging from the fly in your trousers?

Oh!” he said, lowering his voice, “The McKinsey consultants concluded that this will help us save time when we have to visit the restroom during a shift.

How so?” I inquired.

Well,” he said, “by tying this string to the tip of our ‘you-know-what’, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands. This shortens the time spent in the restroom by 39% they think.

Wow!” I said. “But how do you put it back in your trousers once you’ve finished?

Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.

3. Goodtime Girl:

I met a girl in a bar who said she worked in a fairground.

She asked me if I would like to go to her place and have a good time.

She wasn’t kidding. I went on the Dodgems, the Big Dipper, the Waltzer and the Ghost Train, all for free. I even came home with a goldfish and some Cotton Candy.

4. Car Park Incident:

I left my car in a multi-storey car park the other day, and when I returned, the back of the car had a huge dent in it.

I found a note under the windshield wiper, and it said, “Sorry but I accidentally reversed into your car. There were witnesses, so I left this note so they’d think I was leaving my contact details. Well, I’m not. And in case you’re wondering, the CCTV is broken too, so it’s not your lucky day.”

Jock is a former special forces soldier who gets hired by the Sultan of Oman to help train his army.

After six months, Jock submits a leave request so he can visit Scotland for his mother’s birthday.

The Sultan is happy to grant his request, provided Jock promises to bring him back something traditionally Scottish.

Well, Jock goes home to Glasgow and enjoys celebrating his mother’s birthday and having a few drinks with all his old mates.

The day before Jock is due to fly back to Muscat, he realises he’d forgotten about the Sultan’s request.

Hey, ma,” says Jock, “I was supposed to get something traditionally Scottish for the Sultan and I forgot.”

Relax, son,” said his mother. “I’ll bake some of my famous shortbread. You can take that back with you.

With that, she bakes several trays of shortbread and, once it’s all cooled, she puts it all in Tupperware boxes to keep it fresh.

When Jock arrives back in Oman, he presents the Sultan with the traditional Scottish shortbread.

Well, the Sultan is impressed with this traditional Scottish treat and thoroughly enjoys it. To show his appreciation, the Sultan sends Jock’s mum a solid gold vase. A prized item worth a considerable sum.

A few more months pass, and once again, Jock requests some leave so he can visit Scotland.

Once again, it’s not a problem.

Yes, of course,” says the Sultan, “but please bring me back some of that delicious homemade shortbread.

So, Jock goes back to Glasgow, and he mentions to his mum that he wants her to make some more shortbread for the Sultan.

You must be joking, son,” says his mother. “I’m still waiting on my Tupperware dishes back!

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Pete finally went to see his physician for a checkup, and the doctor said to him, “Can we talk about your weight?

Sure,” said Pete. “It was about 25 minutes, but the chairs were comfortable, and the selection of magazines was impressive.

7. Farming Logic:

A guy is driving along a country road when he sees a farmer standing in the middle of a large field. The farmer is doing absolutely nothing except standing and gazing into the distance.

The guy stops and asks the farmer if he’s OK.

Yes,” said the farmer, “I’m fine.”

That’s good,” says the guy. “I was a little worried, as you’re just standing and staring at nothing in particular.”

That’s because I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize,” the farmer responds.

A Nobel Prize?” says the guy, somewhat surprised. “How will you win a Nobel Prize?

Well,” says the farmer, “I’m told that to win a Nobel Prize, you just need to be out standing in your field.”

8. The Counterfeiters:

A couple of small-time counterfeiters, Jack and Earl had managed to get hold of a small stock of the actual paper used for printing American currency. This was a genuine stroke of luck and they intended to make the most of it. So they set about printing some twenty-dollar bills.

However, they’d been drinking heavily beforehand and their attention to the job wasn’t all that it should have been. Nevertheless, they printed off their counterfeit currency and then staggered off to bed.

The following morning when they’d sobered up they looked at their previous night’s work and suddenly realized they’d printed $18 dollar bills by mistake.

Oh, no!” said Jack. “We’ve used all the paper, so we can’t print them off again, can we?

No problem,” said Earl. “All we need to do is find some little hick town in the hills somewhere and go into a store and ask some inbred to change them for lower denomination notes.

Do you think that will work?” said Jack.

Sure!” said Earl “And I know just the place.

So Jack and Earl got in their car with all the counterfeit currency and headed for a little hick town in NowheresVille.

Eventually, they came to a tiny little town deep in the hills with just one store. So they stopped and entered the store.

Jack handed one of the counterfeit $18 bills to the guy behind the counter and politely asked, “Hey buddy, would you mind changing this for some lower denomination notes, please? If you could, that would be appreciated.

The clerk looked at the $18 bill, smiled and said, “Sure, no problem. What’s your preference, two nines or three sixes?

9. The Thoughtful Husband:

Sometime after Stephen had died his widow, Alice was finally able to speak about what a wonderful and thoughtful man her late husband had been.

Stephen thought of everything“, she told her friend Mabel. “You know, just before he died, Stephen called me to his bedside and he handed me three envelopes.

Really?” said Mabel. “And what did he say?

He said, Alice, I have put my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I’ve instructed. Then I can rest in peace,” Alice responded.

So, what was in the envelopes?” Mabel enquired.

In the first envelope, there was $5,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this money to buy a nice casket’. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such thick padding in the lining that I know Stephen is resting very comfortably.” Alice responded.

Really?” said Mabel.

Yes,” said Alice, “And in the second envelope there was $10,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this for a nice funeral’. I arranged a very dignified funeral for Stephen, attended by all his friends and family.

So what was in the third envelope?” asked Mabel.

The third envelope contained $50,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this to buy a suitable stone so I’m remembered’.” Alice responded.

At this point, she held up her hand to Mabel and pointed to the ten-carat diamond ring on her finger.

So Mabel,” said Alice, “do you like the stone?

10. The Hearing Test:

Bill was concerned about his elderly wife’s hearing. So he decided to test it without telling her.

He went to the corner of the room about 15 feet away from her and said, “Honey can you hear me?

There was no response.

So he went about 5 feet away from his wife and again said, “Honey can you hear me?

Still, he got no response.

So he leaned over the back of her chair and raised his voice, shouting in her ear, “HONEY CAN YOU HEAR ME?”

His wife put down her newspaper and turned towards him saying, “Bill, I said ‘Yes’ three times already!

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Little Maisie is sitting on a jam-packed train.

A man sat next to her, and he noticed she was reading a biblical tale. So, he engages her in conversation.

What are you reading?” asked the man.

It’s the story of Jonah and the Whale,” Maisie responds.

The man smiles and says, “You do know that it is physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human being because, even though it is a large mammal, it only has a small throat.

Little Maisie smiles politely and says, “Well, when I get to Heaven, I’ll be sure to ask Jonah what happened.”

The man smiles back and then says, “How can you be sure Jonah went to Heaven? He may have gone to Hell.

Little Maisie thought about this comment momentarily and then said, “Well, if that’s the case, I guess you’ll have to ask him!

On a dark country road, late at night, Jane is driving when she runs over a chicken crossing the road.

Just as she stops to check what has happened, a farmer runs over to her in hysterics.

Oh my god!” screamed the farmer. “That was our prized egg-laying hen!  Most of our income came from the eggs it laid. We’re already underwater on the house; how will I feed my family now?

Jane began to panic. However, thinking fast, she remembered she was carrying $500 in cash. So, she handed over the money to the farmer, saying, “I’m sorry. It was an accident. Take this by way of compensation.

The farmer calms down and takes the money, and Jane leaves the scene as quickly as she can before there’s any chance of him changing his mind.

As Jane’s car disappears into the distance, the farmer heads back to his chicken coop. As he’s about to retrieve another chicken, his wife appears and asks him what’s going on.

The farmer tells her the story of the run-over chicken and the $500.

The farmer’s wife looked at him suspiciously and asked, “Why was our chicken crossing the road?

As the farmer lifts another chicken out of the coop, he smiles and says, “Because we have a mortgage, honey!

Jim and his wife, Laura, were awakened at 2 am by a loud knock on their front door.

So, Jim got up, went downstairs and opened the door. It was raining heavily, and standing there was a man who appeared to be drunk.

Excuse me, sir,” said the drunk. “Can you give me a push?

You’re joking,” Jim responded. “It’s pouring with rain, it’s 2 am, and I’m tired after a long day at work. You’ll have to find someone else to help you.

With that, Jim slammed the door and went back to bed.

Who was it?” asked Laura

It was just some drunken guy asking for a push,” said Jim.

Oh, how unfortunate for him,” said Laura. “Did you help him?

No, I did not,” said Jim. “It’s late, it’s raining, and I’m tired. He can find someone else to help him.

Well, you have a short memory,” says Laura. “Have you forgotten last month when our car broke down in the rain and you were glad that a guy stopped to help you. So, go and help him. That would be the decent thing to do.”

Well, Laura’s words made Jim feel guilty, so he got up, got dressed and went out to help the guy.

Naturally, at this time, it’s pitch black and it’s hard to see anything.

So, Jim calls out, “Hello, buddy, are you still there?

There was a momentary silence before Jim heard a voice. “Yes!” said the voice.

Do you still need a push?” shouted Jim.

Yes, please!” The guy shouts back.

I can’t see you in the dark. Where are you exactly?” asks Jim.

There was another momentary pause before Jim heard the guy shout, “I’m over here on the swing.

Myrtle is travelling with her dog, Rover, on a flight from New York to Wilmington, North Carolina.

She checks in her luggage and Rover in a crate.

When the flight arrives in Wilmington, the baggage handlers are unloading the luggage compartment, and when they get to the crate, they see that the dog is dead.

Fearing a lawsuit and the possibility of losing their jobs, the baggage handlers drive over to a pet store near the airport to see if there’s any chance they might have a dog for sale that matches Rover in breed and appearance.

Well, it seemed the Lord was smiling on them, because the pet store did indeed have a dog for sale that was a perfect match.

Having purchased the dog, they return to the airport with no more than five minutes to spare before Myrtle arrives to collect her luggage and the dog.

As the baggage handlers brought the crate to her, Myrtle looked in and screamed, “Oh my God!

Mam, is there a problem?” asked the chief baggage handler.

That’s not Rover!” shouted Myrtle.

How can you tell?” asked the baggage handler.

Because Rover was dead,” said Myrtle. “I was bringing him home to be buried.”

Jake was a young tech entrepreneur who had been less than careful with his bookkeeping. Suddenly, he finds himself being subjected to an IRS audit.

Before he could completely comprehend what was happening, Jake was summoned to a meeting with a tax officer at his local IRS office to explain his financial circumstances.

Being nervous about how to deal with this, he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear to the meeting.

Being wary of the IRS, his accountant said, “Listen, buddy, you don’t want to give them the impression that you’re doing well. So, wear the shabbiest clothing you have and let them think you’re a pauper.

This advice didn’t convince Jake, so he decided to seek a second opinion from his lawyer.

His lawyer had a different view from his accountant.

You’ve got to look like you mean business. Don’t let them intimidate you,” said the lawyer. “If you do, they’ll think you’ve something to hide. Look your best and wear a suit and tie.”

These opposing views left Jake a little confused.

So, he went to his parish priest and told him about the conflicting advice he’d received from his professional advisors. “Father, what should I do?” asked Jake.

Let me tell you a story, my son, about a young woman of this parish,” said Father Murphy. “She was about to be married and asked her mother for advice about what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother suggested she wear a flannel night-gown. However, when she asked her friend the same question, she was told to wear a see-through negligee.

I’m sorry, Father,” Jake interjected, “but how is this relevant to my predicament?

Father Murphy smiled at him benevolently and said, “Jake, my son, it’s the IRS. It doesn’t matter what you wear, you’re still going to get screwed.

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