22 Funny Winston Churchill Quotes

01/06/2025 by

If you’re looking for some funny Winston Churchill quotes, then you’ve come to the right place, dear reader.

Today I’ve curated 22 little gems that might just make you smile.

Churchill was, of course, a British statesman and writer, a famous wartime leader, and twice Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Above all, he was a man with a memorable turn of phrase, whatever the occasion.

Anyway, take a few moments to enjoy all of these excellent quotes.

And then, please feel free to pass them on.

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Funny Winston Churchill Quotes (1-11):

  1. I am easily satisfied with the very best.
  2. Don’t interrupt me while I’m interrupting.
  3. History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
  4. I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.
  5. He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
  6. An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
  7. Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.
  8. We are masters of the unsaid words, but slaves of those we let slip out.
  9. A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.
  10. The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.
  11. Personally, I’m always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.
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Funny Winston Churchill Quotes (12-22):

  1. I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
  2. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
  3. Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
  4. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
  5. From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.
  6. I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
  7. Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.
  8. Show me a young Conservative and I’ll show you someone with no heart. Show me an old Liberal and I’ll show you someone with no brains.
  9. If you have an important point to make, don’t try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time—a tremendous whack.
  10. Everyone is in favour of free speech. Hardly a day passes without its being extolled, but some people’s idea of it is that they are free to say what they like, but if anyone else says anything back, that is an outrage.
  11. Lady Astor: “Winston, if I were your wife, I’d put poison in your coffee.” Winston Churchill: “Nancy, if I were your husband, I’d drink it.”

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15 quotes by Lily Tomlin that are sharp and witty

01/04/2025 by

If you’re looking for quotes by Lily Tomlin, this article is for you.

Lily Tomlin has to be one of the best comedians of all time, in my opinion.

Born Mary Jean Tomlin in 1939, I think she’s up there with the very best female comedians, like Joan Rivers and Phyllis Diller, and could give any of America’s funny men a serious run for their money too.

She is, in fact, an actress, comedian, writer, singer, and producer and has had a successful career stretching back to the 1960s.

Here are 15 quotes by Lily Tomlin to underline my point.

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Quotes by Lily Tomlin:

  1. We are all in this together, by ourselves. ~Lily Tomlin
  2. The road to success is always under construction. ~Lily Tomlin
  3. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. ~Lily Tomlin
  4. The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. ~Lily Tomlin
  5. I always wondered why somebody doesn’t do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody. ~Lily Tomlin
  6. Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it. ~Lily Tomlin
  7. Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest then we can all die laughing. ~Lily Tomlin
  8. Don’t be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed. ~Lily Tomlin
  9. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. ~Lily Tomlin
  10. The best mind-altering drug is the truth. ~Lily Tomlin
  11. We’re all in this alone. ~Lily Tomlin
  12. I guess if people couldn’t profit from war, I don’t think there would be war. ~Lily Tomlin
  13. Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It’s the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them. ~Lily Tomlin
  14. When I was 9 or 10, I had a ten-cent business: I would walk your dog for a dime, go to the store for a dime, empty your garbage for a dime, and then I could use the money to buy tricks at the magic store. ~Lily Tomlin
  15. If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? ~Lily Tomlin
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21 Amusing Quotes by David Brent

01/03/2025 by

If Ricky Gervais’s monologue at the Golden Globes 2020 made you cringe, then take a look at some quotes by his alter ego, David Brent. These are even more memorable.

Who could forget the cringe-worthy David Brent from the original UK version of the situation comedy The Office?

When it first hit our screens The Office was original and very funny.

Here are 21 quotes by David Brent to remind you of just what a clever comic creation he was at the time.

These quotes made me smile, and I hope they make you smile too, dear reader.

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21 Quotes by David Brent (1-10):

  1. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue.
  2. A good idea is a good idea forever.
  3. There may be no ‘I’ in team but there’s a ‘ME’ if you look hard enough.
  4. A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone else’s?
  5. Avoid employing unlucky people. Throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.
  6. I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some bastard with a torch bringing me more work.
  7. If at first, you don’t succeed, remove all evidence that you ever tried.
  8. If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.
  9. You have to be 100% behind someone before you can stab them in the back.
  10. If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven’t understood the seriousness of the situation. 
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21 Quotes by David Brent (11-21):

  1. If you’re gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes, make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.
  2. Make good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you mainly keep under your desk.
  3. Never do today that which will become someone else’s responsibility tomorrow.
  4. Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.
  5. Statistics are like a lamp post to a drunken man, more for leaning on than illumination.
  6. What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in wintertime he’s got something to eat, and he won’t die. So, collecting nuts in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.
  7. I’m a friend first. Boss second. Probably entertainer third.
  8. If you want the rainbow, you’ve got to put up with the rain. Do you know which philosopher said that? Dolly Parton! And people say she’s just a pair of tits.
  9. David Brent is refreshingly laid back for a man with such responsibility.
  10. On a more positive note, the good news is, I’ve been promoted ……. you’re still thinking about the bad news, aren’t you?
  11. I couldn’t come out and go, I’ve got some bad news and some irrelevant news.

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21 humorous quotes that’ll tickle your funny bone

12/30/2024 by

By popular demand and just for you, dear reader, here are 21 humorous quotes that might just tickle your funny bone. They all made me smile.

Unfortunately, I’ve struggled to identify the original authors of these witticisms, so they must all be classified as ‘Author Unknown.’

However, if anyone can help me on this point, I’d be happy to give appropriate credits where possible. Just let me know via CONTACT.

Either way, I hope they do make you smile, dear reader.

And should you be someone for whom life is a bit tough right now, then I hope they bring a little joy to what might otherwise be a dark day.

I hope you enjoy them all.

In my humble opinion, these are some of the funniest quotes you’ll read today or, indeed, any day.

Laugh long and laugh loud, for life is too short not to fill your days with laughter. Enjoy this moment, for this moment is your life.

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Humorous Quotes:

  1. It was me, I let the dogs out.
  2. Parenthood is the scariest hood to go through.
  3. People say I act like I don’t care. It’s not an act.
  4. Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
  5. I childproofed my house but the kids still get in somehow.
  6. Today is one of those days when even my coffee needs a coffee.
  7. I am one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.
  8. An apple a day keeps anyone anyway if you throw it hard enough.
  9. I’ve made it from the bed to the couch. There’s no stopping me now.
  10. Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
  11. I think something’s missing in my life. Like four or five million dollars.
  12. You know you’re a mom when you understand why mama bear’s porridge was cold.
  13. I once had a job in an orange juice factory but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.
  14. I’m on that new diet where you eat anything you want and you pray for a miracle.
  15. Dear life, when I said “Can this day get any worse?” it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
  16. I never make the same mistake twice. I make it three or four times, you know, just to be sure!
  17. Don’t mess with me; I know Karate, Judo, Jujitsu, Kung Fu and 20 other dangerous words.
  18. I was going to take over the world today but I overslept. Postponed, again!
  19. That awkward moment you can’t understand what somebody is saying after they’ve repeated it about five times.
  20. I remember years ago when all I wanted to do was be older. I was wrong.
  21. During his summer recess, Santa has been viewing your Facebook posts. This year you’re getting a dictionary.
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Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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30 of the best puns guaranteed to make you smile

12/29/2024 by

If you’re looking for the best puns, read on.

Do you enjoy clever puns, dear reader?

I must say, I do. I love them, and I’m always on the lookout for the best puns I can find, and occasionally I write my own too.

So here are 30 of the best puns you’ll hear today.

Unfortunately, I cannot be sure of their origin, but they’re guaranteed to make you laugh, of that I’m sure.

Certainly, they made me laugh, and I hope they brighten your day too.

Enjoy them all and feel free to pass them on.

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The Best Puns (1-15):

  1. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
  2. A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  3. Atheists can’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
  4. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
  5. A girl said she recognised me from my vegetarian club but I’d never met herbivore.
  6. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
  7. The Energiser Bunny has been arrested and charged with battery.
  8. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
  9. I didn’t like my beard at first but it grew on me.
  10. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
  11. Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.
  12. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
  13. What does the clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
  14. I dreamt I wrote Lord of the Rings but I think I was just Tolkien in my sleep.
  15. Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.
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The Best Puns (16-30):

  1. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  2. I ordered 2000 lbs. of Chinese soup. It was Won Ton.
  3. With great reflexes comes great response ability.
  4. Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the calendar factory for taking a day off?
  5. Why do the French eat snails? They don’t like fast food.
  6. A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason. Details are sketchy.
  7. Don’t make jokes about unemployed people. They don’t work.
  8. My computer’s got Miley Virus. It has stopped twerking.
  9. My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
  10. What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
  11. The best time to open a gift is the present.
  12. Why did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!
  13. I used to build stairs for a living but it’s an up and down business.
  14. Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.
  15. What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you’ll rise and shine!

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It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face now, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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21 silly jokes guaranteed to make you laugh

12/22/2024 by

If jokes that are just slightly silly appeal to you, then here are 21 silly jokes guaranteed to make you laugh.

These are the sort of jokes you’d find in Christmas crackers. Corny, but you can’t help laughing at them. Well, groaning anyway.

Certainly, they all made me smile, and I hope you enjoy them too, dear reader.

Take a few moments to enjoy them, and then please feel free to pass them on.

Silly Jokes:

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

What kind of car does Mickey Mouse’s wife drive? A Minnie van.

What do you get when you cross a dog with an antenna? A Golden Receiver.

Where should a 600-pound gorilla go? On a diet

What has one head, one foot, and four legs? A bed.

What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me, and we’ll go places!

What would happen if you threw yellow sneakers into the Red Sea? They’d get wet.

Why did the photograph go to jail? Because it was framed.

What would Bears become without Bees? Ears.

Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!

Where do cucumbers go on a date night? The salad bar.

Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer? She kept running away from the ball.

Why was the chicken arrested? Fowl play.

Why can’t pigs keep secrets? They keep squealing.

How do trees get on the internet? They log in.

What did one toilet say to the other? You look a bit flushed.

Why did the frog take the bus to work today? His car got toad away.

If the early bird gets the worms, what does the worm get? Eaten.

Why couldn’t the pirates learn the alphabet? They kept getting stuck at C.

Why did the math book look sad? It had too many problems.

Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.

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If any of these silly jokes made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

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12 brilliant original Limericks written just for you

12/13/2024 by

If you’re looking for original limericks, then look no further.

If you enjoy the style of poems known as limericks, here are 12 original ones just for you, dear reader.

They’re all written by me. So, definitely original limericks. I hope you enjoy them.

If they do appeal to you, please feel free to share them.

ORIGINAL LIMERICKS

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15 witty quotes by Joan Rivers to raise a smile

12/02/2024 by

To comedy lovers everywhere, the late Joan Alexandra Molinsky is better known as the legendary Joan Rivers.

Razor-sharp and very funny, Joan Rivers was arguably one of the finest American stand-up comedians of all time in what was probably the golden age of light entertainment.

Through the strength of her personality, she succeeded in an age when it was even tougher for a woman to get a break in an industry dominated by powerful men. In that, she remains a role model for women everywhere.

Joan Rivers pioneered her brand of irreverent, unconventional comedy, and her relentless work ethic allowed her comedy to evolve and her audiences to continue to grow. She was a remarkable lady and one who always made me laugh.

Here are 15 witty quotes by Joan Rivers, which will make you smile, I’m sure.

Quotes by Joan Rivers (1-10):

  1. I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. ~Joan Rivers
  2. The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it. ~Joan Rivers
  3. My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. ~Joan Rivers
  4. Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be. ~Joan Rivers
  5. There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl. ~Joan Rivers
  6. Never floss with a stranger. ~Joan Rivers
  7. I have flabby thighs but fortunately, my stomach covers them. ~Joan Rivers
  8. I think anyone who’s perfectly happy isn’t particularly funny. ~Joan Rivers
  9. We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us. ~Joan Rivers
  10. People say that money is not the key to happiness but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. ~Joan Rivers

Quotes by Joan Rivers (11-15):

  1. I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he’d have put diamonds on the floor. ~Joan Rivers
  2. I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again. ~Joan Rivers
  3. Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I’m being funny, but I’m reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we’re going down the tube. ~Joan Rivers
  4. I never dwell on what happened. You can’t change it. Move forward. Don’t waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It’s over. Done. Move forward. ~Joan Rivers
  5. I walk on a stage, and I know if it’s been a good show or not. You know when it’s been a good interview. No one has to tell you. You know it. You feel it. You can feel the air. You can feel everything about it when it’s a good show. And you know when you’ve messed up. ~Joan Rivers

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25 witty one-liner jokes that might just make you smile

11/28/2024 by

In need of being cheered up a little, dear reader? Then perhaps some of these witty one-liner jokes will make you smile.

I’ve been trawling my journal for some of the best one-liners I’ve heard in recent months, and I’ve picked out some of the best just for you.

I cannot confirm the authors of individual quotes, but if you know, please let me know via the contact page. I’m very keen to add credits where possible.

In the meantime, relax and take a few moments to enjoy these witty one-liner jokes.

Witty one-liner jokes (1-10):

  1. Moses had the first tablet connected to the cloud.
  2. Can I speak a second language? Does profanity count?
  3. Of course, my conscience is clear. It’s never been used.
  4. Am I ignorant and apathetic? I don’t know and I don’t care.
  5. If your horses don’t smoke, then your stable must be on fire.
  6. What two words do sharks most like to hear? Man overboard!
  7. I have the heart of a lion. For which I got a lifetime ban from the zoo.
  8. Four of the most beautiful words in the English language. I told you so!
  9. If I had 50 cents for every math exam I’d failed, I’d have $9.35 by now.
  10. I heard a song on the radio about tortillas. Actually, it was more of a rap.

Witty one-liner jokes (11-20):

  1. Do I think whiteboards are a wonderful invention? Certainly, they’re remarkable.
  2. I’ve no idea why, but they say I’m condescending. That’s talking down to people.
  3. The one thing I can say about the good old days is that I was neither good nor old.
  4. Leave them wanting more is always great advice unless you work in disaster relief.
  5. What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth? An unfortunate swimmer.
  6. In need of a good laugh? Start an argument with someone when they have hiccups.
  7. If we should never eat late at night, then the obvious question is, “Why does the fridge have a light?”
  8. I was having short-term memory problems, so I went to see my doctor. He wanted payment in advance.
  9. I read in the newspaper that a semicolon broke the law. Two consecutive sentences, apparently.
  10. 250 pounds on Earth is the same as 95 pounds on Mercury. So I’m not fat; I’m living on the wrong planet.

Witty one-liner jokes (21-25):

  1. What do you get when you wake up on a workday, only to realize that you’re out of coffee? A depresso.
  2. When I woke up this morning, I couldn’t remember on which side the sun rises. Then it dawned on me.
  3. Now there’s a difference between a man who eats shoots and leaves and a man who eats, shoots, and leaves.
  4. If peeling onions causes you to shed a few tears, then don’t form an emotional bond with them in the first place.
  5. Should women be allowed to have children after 40? Well, it’s their choice, but 40 seems more than enough children to me.

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32 amusing quotes by Phyllis Diller

11/25/2024 by

The late Phyllis Ada Driver, or Phyllis Diller as she’s better known to comedy fans, was one of America’s greatest comic talents.

She was an actress and stand-up comedian with an eccentric stage persona.

Self-deprecating humour, wild hair, zany clothes, and an exaggerated, cackling laugh were her stock in trade.

Phyllis Diller was a hilarious lady and one who is greatly missed by fans of good comedy everywhere.

So today I thought it might be quite interesting to explore some of her quotes and observations.

Here are 32 quotes by Phyllis Diller that should make you smile.

Quotes by Phyllis Diller (1-21):

  1. Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
  2. I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
  3. His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
  4. You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
  5. Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
  6. I buried a lot of my ironing in the backyard.
  7. My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
  8. The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
  9. A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
  10. Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
  11. You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
  12. Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
  13. Life is a do-it-yourself kit; so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
  14. My photographs don’t do me justice. They just look like me.
  15. You know you’re old if they’ve discontinued your blood type.
  16. A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once
  17. I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in ‘What’s That?’
  18. Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
  19. Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
  20. I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
  21. The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Quotes by Phyllis Diller (22-32):

  1. I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband. How about short and cheap?
  2. The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
  3. I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
  4. Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
  5. You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
  6. Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
  7. I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
  8. This man I was going out with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas but he gave me a bowling ball.
  9. Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, ‘I’ll tell you something you do that irritates me if you tell me something I do that bothers you,’ never ends in a hug and a kiss.
  10. To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbour. Neighbours always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
  11. This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him’.

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