37 sarcasm examples for when you need that little zinger

05/04/2025 by

If you’ve ever worked in retail or some other customer-facing role, dear reader, you’ll know that people can be challenging. That’s life. And sometimes you wish you’d had that perfect little zinger to let people know what you think of them. Well, here are 37 sarcasm examples that might just make you smile. And might be useful next time you need that little zinger.

Enjoy them all and feel free to pass them on.

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SARCASM EXAMPLES

How I envy people who’ve never met you.

Goodness, aren’t you as sharp as a marble?

Do you enjoy humiliating yourself in public?

You really should come with a warning label.

You’re like a penny: two-faced and worthless.

Now aren’t you just the walking motivational poster?

I’m not rude. I just say what everyone else is thinking.

If I had the crayons, I’d willingly try to explain it to you.

You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.

I wasn’t ignoring you. I was simply prioritizing my sanity.

I see you’re still an idiot. Well, at least, you’re consistent.

It’s amazing how you can talk so much and yet say so little.

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If you keep talking, eventually you might say something intelligent.

You do realise that you have delusions of adequacy, don’t you?

When I want to hear from a nobody, I’ll be sure to give you a call.

Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma?

Yes, of course, I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I wish I had a lower IQ, then I might enjoy our conversations more.

You’re the reason they must put instructions on shampoo bottles.

I’d give you a nasty look, but I can see that you’ve already got one.

The last time I saw something as ugly as you, I had to pay admission.

I’m not saying you’re ugly, but your bathroom mirror must be scared.

If you’re waiting for me to care, I hope you brought something to read.

I wasn’t insulting you. I was simply explaining how other people see you.

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You know, I thought of you this morning. It reminded me to take out the trash.

There can be few things in life more enjoyable than watching you leave a room.

Clearly, you have an inferiority complex, and, let me tell you, it’s fully justified.

If you want to be taken seriously, you’ll need to speak with someone other than me.

I’m not saying you’re an idiot, but your village just called to say they’re missing you.

If you had a dollar for every intelligent comment you’ve ever made, you’d be broke.

Has anyone ever told you that you have a face for radio and a voice for silent movies?

If only the gene pool had had a lifeguard, you wouldn’t be here now, ruining my morning.

Do I think you’re exceptional? Well, certainly, I’ve never met anyone quite as stupid as you.

You really are like a software update. Whenever I see you, I think, ‘Oh no, please, not now!’

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard you say something stupid, I’d be a very wealthy man.

I can only assume that you were born on a highway because that’s usually where accidents happen.

I’m not being mean, but I did hear that your birth certificate is an apology letter from the Prophylactic Emporium.

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So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these sarcasm examples made you smile, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

So go on, please share this post now.

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35 one-liners about life that will raise a smile

05/01/2025 by

I love one-liners about life. The one I love most has to be the following:

“Life? Don’t talk to me about life!”

Older readers may remember that this was the expression made famous by Marvin the Paranoid Android in Douglas Adams’ classic novel, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

I’m sure we’ve all shared Marvin’s sentiment occasionally when we experience life’s more challenging moments.

However positive we are, life can get the better of us sometimes.

So here are some one-liners about life that are guaranteed to raise a smile or two, as I’m sure at least some of them will resonate with readers.

Life can be absurd at times, and it’s difficult on occasions to believe the evidence of our own eyes and ears.

Nevertheless, our aim must be to remain positive, and to do that, we must learn to laugh at life and ourselves.

Don’t take it all too seriously.

Just laugh as much as you can, and that is the perfect counterbalance to life’s absurdities.

Start now by laughing at all these one-liners, which I’ve collected together to amuse and entertain you, dear reader.

ONE-LINERS ABOUT LIFE
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One-liners about life (1-20):

  1. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  2. Life is a terminal disease.
  3. Youth is wasted on the young.
  4. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
  5. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  6. It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
  7. We never really grow up we only learn how to act in public.
  8. Being a hypochondriac could save your life one of these days.
  9. Any room is a panic room if you’ve lost your phone in it.
  10. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  11. I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
  12. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
  13. I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
  14. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  15. By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
  16. Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
  17. Just because a road’s well-trodden doesn’t mean it leads anywhere worth going.
  18. As soon as you’re doing what you wanted to be doing, you want to be doing something else.
  19. Stealing ideas from one person is plagiarism but stealing ideas from many people is research.
  20. How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

One-liners about life (21-35):

  1. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
  2. You might as well laugh at your problems because everyone else does.
  3. God must love stupid people because he made so many of them.
  4. Dolphins are so smart they can train people to stand at the edge of the pool and throw fish at them.
  5. If I was doin’ any better, I’d have to hire someone to help me enjoy it!
  6. Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
  7. How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
  8. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
  9. I thought I wanted a career but I realize now that I just wanted a decent income.
  10. Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.
  11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they’re sexy.
  12. Why is it that most nudists are people you wouldn’t want to see naked?
  13. No one is in charge of your happiness, except you.
  14. Some people will appreciate it others will be irritated by it. Either way, you win.
  15. The pain you feel today will be the strength you feel tomorrow.

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So, dear reader, did any of these one-liners about life make you smile?

I hope so.

However, there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here, then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share this post now, I’d be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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21 stupid jokes that are funny

04/28/2025 by
stupid jokes that are funny

If you’re looking for some stupid jokes that are funny, dear reader, then I have 21 for you today that I’m confident will make you laugh.

So, grab a cup of coffee, relax, and take a few moments to enjoy them all.

And please, feel free to pass them on.

Stupid jokes that are funny (1-5):

Last week, I went on a first aid course, and the instructor asked me what I’d do if my child swallowed a door key. Apparently “I’d climb through the window,” wasn’t the right answer.

Barber: How would you like your hair cut, sir? Customer: In silence, please.

Yesterday, I was persuaded to run a marathon for charity. I didn’t want to do it at first, but they told me it’s for blind and disabled kids, so I thought I’d have a decent chance of winning.

Wife: “Just look at that couple over there; how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?” Husband: “Are you mad? I don’t even know the woman!”

It’s been so cold recently that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

Stupid jokes that are funny (6-10):

After years of study at university, finally, I’m a PhD, or as I’m better known, a Pizza Hut Deliveryman.

Q: What do politicians and diapers have in common? A: Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.

It is a fact that light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear to be quite bright until you hear them talk.

Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man in central London and stuck a gun in his ribs. “Give me your money,” the robber demanded. “You can’t do this I’m a Member of Parliament!” the man replied, “Oh! In that case,” smiled the robber, “give me MY money!“

My wife keeps berating me for being unkind to one of my kids, but I don’t know which one she means. I think I treat Bobby, Cindy, and the fat, ugly one all the same.

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Stupid jokes that are funny (11-15):

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally, I was forced to take his bike away from him.

Q: What can you hold without ever touching it? A: A conversation.

Mike arrives home one evening, unannounced, with his best buddy, Pete, and asks his wife, Jane, if she can make dinner for him and Pete. Naturally, Jane’s not happy and she starts screaming at Mike, as the two men just sit and listen. “What are you doing to me?” shouts Jane. “My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, and it’s too late to expect me to start cooking now. Why the hell did you bring him home anyway?” Mike hesitates momentarily and then says, “Because Pete’s thinking of getting married, so I thought it would be helpful if I showed him what married life is like!“

Jim’s driving home from work when he gets a call from his wife, Irene, on his cell phone. “Be careful on the road, honey. I’ve just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way down the highway,” says Irene. “It’s not just one car,” Jim responds, “there are literally thousands of them!“

Dick and Roger are two elderly gentlemen eating breakfast together in a restaurant one morning. Roger notices something funny in Dick’s ear. “Hey, Dick,” says Roger. “Do you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?” Dick fiddles with his ear, pulls out the suppository, stares at it momentarily, and then says, “Well, I’ll be darned; now I think I know what I did with my hearing aid.”

Stupid jokes that are funny (16-21):

Two blondes walk into a tanning salon. The receptionist asks, “Are you two sisters?” “No!” says one, as they both start giggling. “We’re not even Catholic.”

Q: What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? A: Dam!

Q: What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A: A can’t opener!

Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An impasta.

There are three types of people in this world: those who can count and those who can’t.

A guy with a giraffe walks into a bar. After a few drinks, the giraffe falls over and dies. The guy decides it’s time to leave. The bartender sees what happened and shouts, “Hey, buddy, you can’t leave that lyin’ there!” As he’s heading for the door, the man turns and says, “It’s not a lion. It’s a giraffe.“

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So, dear reader, were these stupid jokes amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

Were they as funny as you’d hoped?

Did they make you smile?

If so, please share this post with your friends on social media.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Your support is appreciated. Thank you.

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7 funny story jokes that might just tickle you

04/21/2025 by

Funny story jokes always get a great response from readers. So today, I’m offering you seven of them, which I hope you’ll find amusing.

They all made me smile, so I hope at least one or two of these funny story jokes might tickle you

Enjoy them all.

And please, feel free to pass them on.

FUNNY STORY JOKES
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Funny story jokes:

1. The hospital visits:

US President Donald Trump is visiting a local hospital in Washington, DC.

Naturally, he’s determined to meet as many patients as possible, regardless of their ailments.

As he’s walking around the hospital, he eventually arrives at old Charlie’s bed.

“Hello there, buddy,” says the President, “what’s wrong with you?”

“I’ve got an enormous boil on my ass,” old Charlie responds, “and I’m here to have it lanced.”

Looking a little embarrassed, the president smiles at Charlie, then quickly moves on to the next patient.

As soon as he’s out of earshot, the nurse scolds old Charlie for his comment to the president: “Now that wasn’t very diplomatic of you, Charlie, was it? He didn’t need the detail. You could just have said you had a bad back.”

The following day, the Vice President, JD Vance, is visiting the same hospital.

As he’s walking around, he arrives at old Charlie’s bed.

“And how are you today?” the Vice President asks warmly with a smile.

“Oh, I’ve got a bad back,” says old Charlie.

“Oh dear,” the Vice President responds sympathetically. “What with that enormous boil on your ass, you’re not having much luck, are you?”

2. The Sunday service:

It was a Sunday morning, and the pastor noticed little Johnny standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with a list of names and bearing symbols in the form of American flags in each corner.

The seven-year-old had been staring at this plaque for some time when the pastor walked up and said, “Hello, Johnny.”

“Good morning, Reverend,” Johnny responded. “Can you tell what this is meant to be?”

“Well, son,” said the pastor, “that’s a memorial to those young men and women who died in service.”

“Really?” said Johnny. “Which service, the 8 o’clock or the 10.30?”

3. Miscommunication:

An old man was visiting his daughter and infant grandson.

During the visit, the little boy says, “Hey, Grandpa, can I ask you a question?”

“Sure!” the old man responds.

“Can you make a noise like a frog?” the boy asks.

“Well, I think so,” the old man responds. And with that, he starts making croaking ribbit sounds.

The little boy is delighted and immediately runs out of the living room before returning a few minutes later, dragging a suitcase behind him.

“Why do you need the suitcase?” the old man asks the little boy.

“Because Mom says we can go to Disneyland the day you croak,” the little boy replied.

4. Tricky question:

Son: Mom, how did humans come to exist?

Mother: Well, you see, God created Adam and Eve…..

Son: But Dad said we came from apes

Mom: He was talking about his family; I am telling you about mine.

5. A bit of fun:

A boy is jumping up and down on a big box in the middle of a street in Manhattan, yelling, “Nine!“

An old man is walking down the street, and he stops momentarily to watch what the boy is doing.

“Hey, kid,” says the old man. “What are you doing?“

“Hey, mister,” the kid responds. “You’ve got to try this. It’s so much fun.”

“Fun? Really?” says the old man. “It doesn’t look like fun to me.”

“Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it,” the kid responds. “Maybe you’re just too old to try something new.”

Well, the old man couldn’t let that comment go without showing that he could still compete with the best of them.

“Okay, kid,” says the old man, “let me have a go.”

With that, the old man climbs on the box, starts jumping up and down, and yells, “Nine!“

“Louder!” shouts the kid.

Raising his voice, the old man jumps up again and yells, “Nine!“

“Again!” the kid shouts.

The old man jumps a third time, but as he does so, the kid whips the box from under him, exposing an open manhole.

With that, the old man disappears down the manhole, and the boy quickly moves the box back over the top of it.

The kid then gets back on the box, jumps up and down, and shouts, “Ten!”

6. The construction site:

A group of guys working on a construction site were all sitting around drinking coffee and moaning about how their boss still owed them for the last big job.

One of the guys was talking on a cellphone, and his colleagues couldn’t help but listen to him talking

“$1,000?” they heard him say. “Honey, that’s no problem. If you like the coat, go ahead and buy it.”

A few moments pass, and the conversation continues.

“You want a new BMW?” he continued. “It’s $125,000? That’s fine, but make sure you get it fully loaded with all the extras.”

His workmates were looking at each other, thinking how surprisingly generous this guy was being, and wondering how he could afford it all anyway.

Then they heard him say, “It’s now on the market? How much is it? $950,000? Go ahead, but offer $900,000 and see what they say.”

Staring in disbelief, his workmates looked at him as he terminated his call.

He looked at them all, smiled, and then said, “Tell the boss I’ve found his cell phone, his wife called, and I quit.”

7. The golfing accident:

Jack is on a golfing holiday, and he manages to overturn his golf cart accidentally whilst playing a quick 18 holes.

Olivia, a stunningly attractive woman and a keen golfer herself, lives in a villa right next to the golf course, and she hears Jack shouting for help.

Without hesitation, but dressed only in a flimsy bathrobe, she rushes out through her garden gate onto the golf course to assist.

“Are you okay?” asks Olivia as she tries to help. “What’s your name?”

“I’m Jack,” he responds, as he manages to crawl out from beneath the golf cart. “I’m a bit bruised, but otherwise I’m fine.”

Jack couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Olivia was, and he couldn’t take his eyes off her as she said to him, “Look, Jack, you may have some hidden injuries. Come back to my villa and rest for a while. I’ll help you turn the golf cart over later.”

“That’s kind of you,” says Jack, “but I don’t think my wife would be happy if I did that.”

“Oh, nonsense,” Olivia responded warmly, “your wife won’t mind.”

Olivia was so attractive with such a warm and friendly nature that Jack quickly weakened and said, “Well, if you’re sure.”

As they sat in Olivia’s living room, she offered Jack a restorative Scotch and water, and then they chatted for a while.

An hour went by, but eventually, Jack thanked Olivia, saying, “I feel a lot better now, but my wife will be really upset, so it’s best if I go now.”

“Oh, don’t be silly,” Olivia responded with a smile. “Your wife won’t even know you’ve been here. By the way, where is she?”

“Probably still under the golf cart, I would guess,” Jack says sheepishly.

Please share this post with your friends:

If you enjoyed these funny story jokes, dear reader, then please share this post on social media with your friends.

Share the fun, and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

So go on, please share this post now. If you could do that for me, I’d be forever grateful, and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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21 amusing quotes that might just make you smile

04/15/2025 by

If you’re seeking some amusing quotes, dear reader, then today’s collection might be what you’re looking for. I hope so, anyway.

Unfortunately, the authors are all unknown, so I haven’t been able to add credits. However, it would be a genuine pleasure to include credits if readers can shed any light on their origin. So, please do let me know.

In the meantime, enjoy today’s 21 amusing quotes:

AMUSING QUOTES
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Amusing quotes (1-10):

For the best seat in the house, you’ll have to move the dog.

The best things in life are free. The rest are too expensive.

Sometimes the best part of my job is a chair that swivels. 

Never let your best friends get lonely; keep disturbing them.

The best way to show a giraffe your love is to knit a scarf for it.

I wanted to make a clever chemistry joke, but the best ones argon.

Kids, I don’t know if our ceiling is the best ceiling but it’s definitely up there.

What’s my best non-swearing insult? “I hope you step on a Lego in your bare feet!”

A woman’s dream is not to find the perfect mate. A woman’s dream is to eat without putting on weight.

Laughing is one of the best exercises; it’s like running inside your mind. You can do it almost anywhere, and it’s even better with a friend.

Amusing quotes (11-21):

I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

He who laughs in a crisis has found someone to blame.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I don’t have a bucket list, but my to-do list is a mile long.

Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

I’ve got a lot of jokes about retired people, but none of them work.

Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a brighter day.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

I don’t need a hairstylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.

I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

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So, dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these quotes made you smile, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then if you’re looking for more posts to make you smile, click on some of the links below.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

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37 one line funny quotes to brighten your day

04/04/2025 by

One line funny quotes always make me smile. I just love clever wordplay and short, pithy comments. And I always make a note of them in my journal.

So today I’ve pulled together 37 one line funny quotes, which I hope will brighten your day and raise a smile or two.

Enjoy them all.

And please, feel free to pass them on.

Pass on the smiles, and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

ONE LINE FUNNY QUOTES
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One line funny quotes (1 – 21):

  1. Blunt pencils are pointless.
  2. I doubt, therefore I might be.
  3. The rotation of the Earth makes my day.
  4. Did Noah include termites on the ark?
  5. To be Frank, I’d have to change my name.
  6. Keep the dream alive. Hit the snooze button.
  7. 6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
  8. Which shoes do frogs prefer? Open toad sandals.
  9. Why do bees hum? They can’t remember the lyrics!
  10. If you don’t pay my exorcist, will I get repossessed?
  11. The cost of living might be high but it remains popular.
  12. You can add insult to injury by signing somebody’s cast.
  13. If everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  14. I failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil. It wasn’t 2B. 
  15. I used to have an hourglass figure, but the sand has shifted.
  16. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it is on my to-do list.
  17. The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Restaurant In Peace.
  18. Should women have children after 35? No, 35 children are enough!
  19. You think you’ve got a handle on life and then you realise it’s broken.
  20. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
  21. Adam and Eve were the first to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.

One line funny quotes (22 – 37):

  1. Does refusing to go to the gym count as a form of resistance training?
  2. Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It can dissolve marriages, families and careers.
  3. My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
  4. I went to see my physician about my short-term memory problems. He made me pay in advance.
  5. I bought a new pair of gloves and they were both ‘lefts’. Good on the one hand but on the other, just not right.
  6. My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she’s hot, but honestly, I’m not a fan.
  7. I’m sceptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That’s a bit of a stretch.
  8. Do I have a girlfriend? Well, I know a girl who would be really mad if I said I didn’t.
  9. Honesty’s the best policy, which suggests that dishonesty is the second-best policy.
  10. Houdini used a trap door in every show, which suggests it was a stage he was going through.
  11. Animal testing is a terrible idea. They get all nervous and give the wrong answers
  12. Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
  13. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
  14. Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Hey! We don’t want your type in here!’
  15. A ghost walked into a Manhattan bar and ordered a Whiskey. The bartender said, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve spirits in here.”
  16. It was so cold in Manhattan last night that flashers were forced to describe themselves to people.

Please share this post with your friends:

So, dear reader, did any of these one line funny quotes make you smile?

I hope so. However, there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here, then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share this post now, I’d be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

Articles you might enjoy:

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17 cheesy jokes guaranteed to raise a smile

04/02/2025 by

If you like cheesy jokes, this post is for you.

I’ve been surfing the Internet looking for humour and smiles.

On this occasion, I was specifically looking for cheesy jokes.

And I found 17 cheesy jokes that made me smile. I hope they make you smile today, too.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t identify the authors, but should you be one of them, please let me know, and I will add a suitable credit and link to your work.

Cheesy jokes:

  • What happens when the smog lifts over Los Angeles? 
  • UCLA 
  • Which US State has the smallest soft drinks? 
  • Mini-soda 
  • Where do pencils go for vacation? 
  • Pencil-vania
  • What do you call an unpredictable, out-of-control photographer?
  • A loose Canon
  • What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay? 
  • A Bagel 
  • Where do Volkswagens go when they get old? 
  • The Old Volks home!
  • What did the fisherman say to the magician? 
  • Pick a cod, any cod!
  • Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the casino?
  • Because he was on a roll 
  • Why did the poor man sell yeast? 
  • To raise some dough
  • How do snails fight? 
  • They slug it out
  • Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? 
  • Because he wanted to see time fly! 
  • What did the cat say after eating two robins lying in the sun? 
  • I just love baskin’ robins
  • What do lawyers wear to court? 
  • Lawsuits! 
  • Why did the man put his money in the freezer? 
  • He wanted cold, hard cash!
  • What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? 
  • I don’t know and I don’t care. 
  • How does NASA organize a party?
  • They planet
  • What do you call four bullfighters standing in quicksand? 
  • Quattro Sinko 

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Were these cheesy quotes funny? Did they make you smile? If so, please share this post with your friends on social media.

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Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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30 witty quotes that’ll make anyone smile

03/29/2025 by

Blog posts that include something to make readers smile always get a good response. Witty quotes always get the best response.

So here are 30 razor-sharp witty quotes. I am sure at least a few of them will brighten your day.

This is a collection of witty quotes in response to readers’ requests for a little levity to break up the otherwise gloomy news that seems to have dominated our lives this year.

So go on have a laugh right now and enjoy them all.

Witty Quotes (1-10)

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it. ~Mae West

When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’. ~Groucho Marx

Never put off till tomorrow what may be done the day after tomorrow just as well. ~Mark Twain

Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. ~Robert A. Heinlein

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability. ~Oscar Wilde

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ~W.C. Fields

My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best. ~Winston S. Churchill

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. ~George Burns

Two wrongs don’t make a right but they do make a good excuse. ~Thomas Szasz

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. ~A.A. Milne

Witty Quotes (11-20)

If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign? ~Laurence J. Peter

If at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. ~W.C. Fields

Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away. ~Paul Terry

When you’re courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. ~Albert Einstein

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? ~George Carlin

It ain’t over ‘til it’s over. ~Yogi Berra

I need six months’ vacation, twice a year. ~Author Unknown

I do all my own stunts but never intentionally. ~Author Unknown

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? ~Robin Williams

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. ~Author Unknown

Witty Quotes (21-30)

Hard work never killed anyone but why take a chance? ~Edgar Bergen

I’d like to live like a poor man, only with lots of money. ~Pablo Picasso

No man goes before his time, unless the boss leaves early. ~Groucho Marx

Age is something that doesn’t matter unless you’re a cheese. ~Luis Buñuel

The man who says his wife can’t take a joke forgets she took him. ~Oscar Wilde

I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food. ~W.C. Fields

To err is human; to blame it on someone else shows management potential. ~Author Unknown

Always borrow money from a pessimist. They’ll never expect it back. ~Author Unknown

If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light in the refrigerator? ~Author Unknown

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island, what book I would take with me? …. “How to Build a Boat” would be the answer. ~Author Unknown

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Did any of them make smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

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35 of the best one-liners ever. You’ll love them all

03/29/2025 by

Today I offer you some of the best one-liners ever. Well, they are, in my opinion, at least.

I love a great one-liner, and these are all brilliant. They’re amusing, sharp, and very witty. I hope at least one or two of them will brighten your day.

So take a couple of minutes and enjoy them all.

And please feel free to share them.

Best one-liners ever (1-12)

Am I indecisive? I’m not sure.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A clean house suggests there’s no WiFi.

Not all math puns are terrible. Just sum.

It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.

I started with nothing, and I’ve still got most of it.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

When life gives you melons, you could be dyslexic.

You say you’re a compulsive liar, but I don’t believe you.

Since I had my neck brace fitted I’ve never looked back.

Best one-liners ever (13-24)

A liberal is just a conservative who hasn’t been mugged yet.

Yeah? You and whose army?

What did your last slave die of?

Yes, I’ve had a good time, but this wasn’t it.

If I didn’t have bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.

You look like you’ve found a dime and lost a dollar.

Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.

My life’s as good as anyone’s if their life’s truly awful.

Keep looking like that and your face will stay that way.

Well, you certainly look like you’ve got the face you deserve.

Am I looking at you? Why? Do I look like I’ve got nothing better to do?

With a face like that, you must have done something terrible in a previous life.

Best one-liners ever (25-35)

Don’t be a fool all your life, take five minutes off and give the rest of us a break.

Drive like an idiot and it won’t be long before you’ll meet another idiot heading in the other direction.

Your face and voice suggest your career options will be limited to those things you can do well with your hands.

You shouldn’t laugh at your wife’s choices because you’re one of them.

You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon fails to return home, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving unless it’s something you plan to do more than once.

I love to hold hands at the movies but for some reason, strangers sitting next to me never seem that keen.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you’ll look forward to the trip.

Is it true that the security guys at the Samsung Store are known as Guardians of the Galaxy?

You know they’re your friends when you walk into their home, and you connect to the WiFi automatically.

The absurdity of the sexual act is God’s way of reminding us that he does have a sense of humor.

Enjoyed these one-liners? 

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If any of these one-liners made you smile, please share this post with your friends on social media.

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If you can put a smile on someone else’s face, you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, and please share this post now.

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Thank you.

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27 Quotes by Groucho Marx to amuse you

03/25/2025 by

Groucho Marx, born Julius Henry Marx, was an American comedian, writer, stage, film, radio, and television star and part of the successful and immensely popular comedy act known as The Marx Brothers.

Groucho was known for his quick wit and he is widely considered one of the best comedians of the modern era.

With his siblings, the Marx Brothers, Groucho Marx made 13 feature films, but he also had a successful solo career in radio and television.

Here are 27 quotes by Groucho Marx which illustrate his quick wit.

Quotes by Groucho Marx (1-10):

  1. I intend to live forever or die trying.
  2. Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.
  3. A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
  4. Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
  5. Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!
  6. Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
  7. Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
  8. A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
  9. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
  10. She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

Quotes by Groucho Marx (11-20):

  1. I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
  2. No man goes before his time unless the boss leaves early.
  3. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
  4. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
  5. Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
  6. Behind every successful man is a woman, and behind her is his wife.
  7. Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?
  8. Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them, well, I have others.
  9. Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
  10. If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.

Quotes by Groucho Marx (21-27):

  1. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
  2. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that you’ve got it made.
  3. A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
  4. There’s one way to find out if a man is honest, ask him. If he says, yes, you know he’s a crook.
  5. One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I’ll never know.
  6. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
  7. I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

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You did? I hope so anyway.

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