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37 short quotes that are funny and sharp

05/28/2025 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for some short quotes that are funny and sharp, dear reader, then I’ve curated 37 little gems for you today.

I’m confident that at least a few of them will make you smile.

Who originally gave us these little gems? I have no idea. But whoever it was, we should all thank them.

So, take a few moments to enjoy them all, and feel free to pass them on.

Short quotes that are funny (1-10):

I’m not short, I’m fun-sized!
I’m not old, I’m just a classic.
I’m not weird, I’m just different.
I’m not fat, I’m just easy to see.
I’m not lazy, I’m just energy efficient.
I’m not weird, I’m just a limited edition.
I’m not bald, I’m just taller than my hair.
I’m not old, I’m just chronologically gifted.
I’m not always right, I’m just never wrong.
I’m not impatient, I just prefer not to wait.

Short quotes that are funny (11-20):

I’m not messy, I’m creatively disorganized.
I’m not clumsy, I’m just gravity challenged.
I’m not moody, I just have a lot of feelings.
I’m not stubborn, I’m just persistently right.
I’m not antisocial, I’m just selectively social.
I’m not lost, I’m just taking the scenic route.
I’m not sarcastic, I’m just fluent in smartass.
I’m not late, I’m just chronologically challenged.
I’m not a control freak, I’m a control enthusiast.
I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Short quotes that are funny (21-30):

I’m not difficult, I’m just picky about my stupidity.
If life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
I don’t have bad handwriting; I have my own font.
I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.
I wanted to be a baker but couldn’t raise the dough.
I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I’m not procrastinating, I’m prioritizing in reverse order.
I’m not always right, but when I am, it’s usually by accident.
I’m not messy, I just like to create my own obstacle courses.
I tried to start a hot air balloon business, but it never took off.

Short quotes that are funny (31-37):

I’m not arguing, I’m just passionately expressing why I’m right.
I’m not a procrastinator, I’m just very efficient at doing nothing.
I’m not forgetful, I’m just experiencing spontaneous memory loss.
I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right in a different way.
I’m not nosy, I’m just overly curious about everything and everyone.
I’m not a morning person. I’m a mourning person, mourning the loss of my sleep.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of debt payments.

Please share with your friends:

So, there you have it. My 37 short quotes that are funny. However, were they as funny as you’d hoped? I hope so.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

I appreciate your support. Thank you.

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Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, Brilliant one-liners, fun, funny, funny witty quotes, humor, humour, jokes, Laugh, LOL, one-liners, Short quotes that are funny, smile, witty one liners, witty one-liner quotes

6 short story jokes guaranteed to make you laugh

05/07/2025 by Roy Sutton

Here are six short story jokes guaranteed to make you laugh. They made me howl with laughter, so I hope they’ll brighten your day too. Enjoy them all.

Short story jokes:

1. The Deaf Debt Collector:

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses subject to their protection racket.

As they were feeling the heat from the Police, they decided to use someone deaf for the job. If someone deaf gets caught, they figured he wouldn’t be able to communicate easily with the Police.

In his first week on the job, the deaf debt collector picks up over $50,000. That’s a lot of money, he thinks, and the deaf debt collector’s greed gets the better of him. He decides to keep the money, and he stashes it in a safe place.

However, it’s not long before the Mafia realises that the collection is late and they send out a couple of heavies to look for the deaf debt collector.

They soon find him and ask the deaf debt collector what he’s done with the money. The problem is that the deaf debt collector can’t communicate with them either, so the Mafia heavies drag him off to an interpreter.

They get to a sign language interpreter and the leading Mafioso then says, “I want ya to ask him where da money is.“

So the interpreter signs, “Where’s the money?“

The deaf debt collector tries to bluff his way out of his dilemma by saying, “I don’t know what they’re talking about.“

The interpreter looks at the Mafioso and says, “He’s saying he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.“

The Mafioso reaches into his coat and pulls out a .44 Remington Magnum handgun, which he points at the forehead of the deaf debt collector, and with real menace in his voice, he says to the interpreter, “Ask him where da money is, and tell him I won’t be askin’ again.“

So the interpreter immediately signs, “Where’s the money? He says he won’t ask again, and I think he’s serious.“

At this point, the deaf debt collector’s nerve goes, and he signs, “The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left by the gate near 72nd Street on Central Park West, and close to Strawberry Fields.“

Getting impatient, the Mafioso looks at the interpreter and asks, “What did he say?”

The interpreter looks at the Mafioso and says, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, he thinks you’re an idiot, and he doesn’t think you’ve got the balls to pull the trigger!“

2. The Balloonist and the Programmer:

A man is flying in a hot air balloon, and soon realizes he’s completely lost.

So he starts reducing height, and suddenly spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon a little further and then shouts: “Excuse me, sir, I was wondering, can you tell me where I am? I seem to be lost.“

Taken by surprise, the man looks up and replies, “Yeah, that’s easy. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering about 25 feet above this field.“

“You must work in IT. I’m guessing you work as a programmer?” says the balloonist.

“I do and yes, I am,” replies the man, looking a little surprised, “How did you guess?“

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you’ve told me is technically correct, but it’s of no actual use to anyone.“

The programmer smiles and then says, “Ah, you must be the CEO of a business.“

“Yes, I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how could you know that?“

“That’s easy,” says the programmer. “You don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.“

3. The Tiger, the Man, and God:

A man is being chased by a tiger.

He’s running as hard as he can, and eventually, he gets to the edge of a cliff with the tiger still in hot pursuit.

The man looks over the edge of the cliff and sees a branch growing out of the side of the cliff just a few feet down.

Having no other option, the man jumps down and grabs the branch just before the tiger arrives at the cliff edge.

The tiger is growling viciously and pacing backwards and forwards along the cliff edge. The man sighs with relief, as he thinks he’s outsmarted the tiger.

At that moment, a little mouse appears from a crevice in the rock, and it begins to chew on the branch.

The man looks down at what is a drop of hundreds of feet. If he falls, it will surely result in his death. So he looks to the heavens and yelled out, “Dear God, if you are there, please help. I will do anything you ask, but please help.“

“You say you will do anything I ask?” Without it being questioned?” a voice booms from heaven above.

The man is surprised to get an immediate reply to his plea, but he yells back, “I will gladly do anything you ask, but please save me.“

“There’s one way to save you, but it will take courage and faith,” says the voice from above.

The man can feel the branch begin to weaken as the mouse continues to gnaw at it, and he can see the tiger still pacing around, growling at the cliff’s edge a few feet above him.

“Please, Lord, tell me what I must do, and I will do it. Your will is my command,” shouts the man in despair.

“All right then, let go of the branch,” the voice from heaven responds.

The man looks down to a fall of hundreds of feet and certain death. He looks up at the hungry tiger a few feet above him, and then he looks at the mouse still chewing on the branch.

He then looks up at the heavens again and yells, “Is there no one else up there I can speak to?“

4. The Mercedes Dealership:

An elderly man returned to a Mercedes dealership to find the salesman had just sold the car he was interested in to a beautiful, busty blonde.

“I thought you said you would hold that car for me until I raised the $75.000 asking price,” said the old man. “And now I’m told you just closed a deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady over there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model.“

“Well, sir, what can I tell you?” replied the salesman, grinning. “She had the cash in her hand, and just look at her, she’s stunningly beautiful. How could I resist?“.

At this point, the young lady approached the old man and handed him the keys to the car.

“There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get this joker to drop his asking price. See you later, Grandpa.”

Moral of the story: Never mess with old people!

5. The Genie:

A customer service agent, an administration clerk, and their manager are all walking to lunch when they stumble upon an old, antique oil lamp.

Knowing that an old oil lamp can often house a genie, they enthusiastically rub it in hopeful anticipation.

Sure enough, out pops a genie.

“I am the genie of the lamp, and you can each have one wish,” says the genie.

“Me first! Me first!” says the customer service agent. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.”

There’s a poof sound followed by a cloud of smoke, and the customer service agent’s gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.”

There’s a poof sound followed by a cloud of smoke, and the administration clerk’s gone

The genie then looks at the manager and says, “OK, Boss, I guess it’s your turn now.”

“I want those two back in the office in exactly 45 minutes,” the manager responds.

Moral of the story: It’s always a good idea to let your boss go first.

6. The Mexican Maid:

A Mexican maid asks for a pay rise from the lady of the house.

The wife is not happy about this, so she decides to talk to the maid about her request for more money.

“Now, Maria, why do you want more money?” she asks.

“Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I wanna increase,” replies the maid. “The first eez that I iron better than you.“

“Maria, who said you iron better than me?” responds the wife.

“Jor huzban he say so Señora,” Maria replies.

“Oh, he did, did he?” says the wife. “And what is your second reason?”

“The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you,” Maria responds.

“That’s nonsense. Who said you’re a better cook than me?” asks the wife.

“Jor hozban deed Señora,” Maria replies.

“Oh, he did, did he?” the wife responds, getting increasingly agitated.

“The third reason eez that I ama better than you in da bed,” says Maria.

The lady of the house is now angry and, through gritted teeth, she asks, “And did my husband say that too?“

“No Señora, the gardener deed,” Maria replies.

“OK, how much is it you want?” asks her employer.

Please share this post with your friends:

If you enjoyed these short story jokes, dear reader, please share this post on social media with your friends.

Share the fun, and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

And if you fancy some more laughs, then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Your support is appreciated. Thank you.

More fun you might enjoy:

Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, fun, funny, humor, humour, Influencers, Inspiration, jokes, Laugh, Life, LOL, Meaning, smile, Stress-free

21 stupid jokes that are funny

04/28/2025 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for some stupid jokes that are funny, dear reader, then I have 21 for you today that I’m confident will make you laugh.

So, grab a cup of coffee, relax, and take a few moments to enjoy them all.

And please, feel free to pass them on.

Stupid jokes that are funny (1-5):

Last week, I went on a first aid course, and the instructor asked me what I’d do if my child swallowed a door key. Apparently “I’d climb through the window,” wasn’t the right answer.

Barber: How would you like your hair cut, sir? Customer: In silence, please.

Yesterday, I was persuaded to run a marathon for charity. I didn’t want to do it at first, but they told me it’s for blind and disabled kids, so I thought I’d have a decent chance of winning.

Wife: “Just look at that couple over there; how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?” Husband: “Are you mad? I don’t even know the woman!”

It’s been so cold recently that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

Stupid jokes that are funny (6-10):

After years of study at university, finally, I’m a PhD, or as I’m better known, a Pizza Hut Deliveryman.

Q: What do politicians and diapers have in common? A: Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.

It is a fact that light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear to be quite bright until you hear them talk.

Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man in central London and stuck a gun in his ribs. “Give me your money,” the robber demanded. “You can’t do this I’m a Member of Parliament!” the man replied, “Oh! In that case,” smiled the robber, “give me MY money!“

My wife keeps berating me for being unkind to one of my kids, but I don’t know which one she means. I think I treat Bobby, Cindy, and the fat, ugly one all the same.

Stupid jokes that are funny (11-15):

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally, I was forced to take his bike away from him.

Q: What can you hold without ever touching it? A: A conversation.

Mike arrives home one evening, unannounced, with his best buddy, Pete, and asks his wife, Jane, if she can make dinner for him and Pete. Naturally, Jane’s not happy and she starts screaming at Mike, as the two men just sit and listen. “What are you doing to me?” shouts Jane. “My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, and it’s too late to expect me to start cooking now. Why the hell did you bring him home anyway?” Mike hesitates momentarily and then says, “Because Pete’s thinking of getting married, so I thought it would be helpful if I showed him what married life is like!“

Jim’s driving home from work when he gets a call from his wife, Irene, on his cell phone. “Be careful on the road, honey. I’ve just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way down the highway,” says Irene. “It’s not just one car,” Jim responds, “there are literally thousands of them!“

Dick and Roger are two elderly gentlemen eating breakfast together in a restaurant one morning. Roger notices something funny in Dick’s ear. “Hey, Dick,” says Roger. “Do you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?” Dick fiddles with his ear, pulls out the suppository, stares at it momentarily, and then says, “Well, I’ll be darned; now I think I know what I did with my hearing aid.”

Stupid jokes that are funny (16-21):

Two blondes walk into a tanning salon. The receptionist asks, “Are you two sisters?” “No!” says one, as they both start giggling. “We’re not even Catholic.”

Q: What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? A: Dam!

Q: What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A: A can’t opener!

Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An impasta.

There are three types of people in this world: those who can count and those who can’t.

A guy with a giraffe walks into a bar. After a few drinks, the giraffe falls over and dies. The guy decides it’s time to leave. The bartender sees what happened and shouts, “Hey, buddy, you can’t leave that lyin’ there!” As he’s heading for the door, the man turns and says, “It’s not a lion. It’s a giraffe.“

Please share this post with your friends:

So, dear reader, were these stupid jokes amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

Were they as funny as you’d hoped?

Did they make you smile?

If so, please share this post with your friends on social media.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Your support is appreciated. Thank you.

Articles you might enjoy:

Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, Cheesy Jokes, funny, Hilarious, humor, humour, jokes, Laugh, Laugh Out Loud, LOL, smile, stupid jokes, stupid jokes that are funny

7 funny story jokes that might just tickle you

04/21/2025 by Roy Sutton

Funny story jokes always get a great response from readers. So today, I’m offering you seven of them, which I hope you’ll find amusing.

They all made me smile, so I hope at least one or two of these funny story jokes might tickle you

Enjoy them all.

And please, feel free to pass them on.

Funny story jokes:

1. The hospital visits:

US President Donald Trump is visiting a local hospital in Washington, DC.

Naturally, he’s determined to meet as many patients as possible, regardless of their ailments.

As he’s walking around the hospital, he eventually arrives at old Charlie’s bed.

“Hello there, buddy,” says the President, “what’s wrong with you?”

“I’ve got an enormous boil on my ass,” old Charlie responds, “and I’m here to have it lanced.”

Looking a little embarrassed, the president smiles at Charlie, then quickly moves on to the next patient.

As soon as he’s out of earshot, the nurse scolds old Charlie for his comment to the president: “Now that wasn’t very diplomatic of you, Charlie, was it? He didn’t need the detail. You could just have said you had a bad back.”

The following day, the Vice President, JD Vance, is visiting the same hospital.

As he’s walking around, he arrives at old Charlie’s bed.

“And how are you today?” the Vice President asks warmly with a smile.

“Oh, I’ve got a bad back,” says old Charlie.

“Oh dear,” the Vice President responds sympathetically. “What with that enormous boil on your ass, you’re not having much luck, are you?”

2. The Sunday service:

It was a Sunday morning, and the pastor noticed little Johnny standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with a list of names and bearing symbols in the form of American flags in each corner.

The seven-year-old had been staring at this plaque for some time when the pastor walked up and said, “Hello, Johnny.”

“Good morning, Reverend,” Johnny responded. “Can you tell what this is meant to be?”

“Well, son,” said the pastor, “that’s a memorial to those young men and women who died in service.”

“Really?” said Johnny. “Which service, the 8 o’clock or the 10.30?”

3. Miscommunication:

An old man was visiting his daughter and infant grandson.

During the visit, the little boy says, “Hey, Grandpa, can I ask you a question?”

“Sure!” the old man responds.

“Can you make a noise like a frog?” the boy asks.

“Well, I think so,” the old man responds. And with that, he starts making croaking ribbit sounds.

The little boy is delighted and immediately runs out of the living room before returning a few minutes later, dragging a suitcase behind him.

“Why do you need the suitcase?” the old man asks the little boy.

“Because Mom says we can go to Disneyland the day you croak,” the little boy replied.

4. Tricky question:

Son: Mom, how did humans come to exist?

Mother: Well, you see, God created Adam and Eve…..

Son: But Dad said we came from apes

Mom: He was talking about his family; I am telling you about mine.

5. A bit of fun:

A boy is jumping up and down on a big box in the middle of a street in Manhattan, yelling, “Nine!“

An old man is walking down the street, and he stops momentarily to watch what the boy is doing.

“Hey, kid,” says the old man. “What are you doing?“

“Hey, mister,” the kid responds. “You’ve got to try this. It’s so much fun.”

“Fun? Really?” says the old man. “It doesn’t look like fun to me.”

“Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it,” the kid responds. “Maybe you’re just too old to try something new.”

Well, the old man couldn’t let that comment go without showing that he could still compete with the best of them.

“Okay, kid,” says the old man, “let me have a go.”

With that, the old man climbs on the box, starts jumping up and down, and yells, “Nine!“

“Louder!” shouts the kid.

Raising his voice, the old man jumps up again and yells, “Nine!“

“Again!” the kid shouts.

The old man jumps a third time, but as he does so, the kid whips the box from under him, exposing an open manhole.

With that, the old man disappears down the manhole, and the boy quickly moves the box back over the top of it.

The kid then gets back on the box, jumps up and down, and shouts, “Ten!”

6. The construction site:

A group of guys working on a construction site were all sitting around drinking coffee and moaning about how their boss still owed them for the last big job.

One of the guys was talking on a cellphone, and his colleagues couldn’t help but listen to him talking

“$1,000?” they heard him say. “Honey, that’s no problem. If you like the coat, go ahead and buy it.”

A few moments pass, and the conversation continues.

“You want a new BMW?” he continued. “It’s $125,000? That’s fine, but make sure you get it fully loaded with all the extras.”

His workmates were looking at each other, thinking how surprisingly generous this guy was being, and wondering how he could afford it all anyway.

Then they heard him say, “It’s now on the market? How much is it? $950,000? Go ahead, but offer $900,000 and see what they say.”

Staring in disbelief, his workmates looked at him as he terminated his call.

He looked at them all, smiled, and then said, “Tell the boss I’ve found his cell phone, his wife called, and I quit.”

7. The golfing accident:

Jack is on a golfing holiday, and he manages to overturn his golf cart accidentally whilst playing a quick 18 holes.

Olivia, a stunningly attractive woman and a keen golfer herself, lives in a villa right next to the golf course, and she hears Jack shouting for help.

Without hesitation, but dressed only in a flimsy bathrobe, she rushes out through her garden gate onto the golf course to assist.

“Are you okay?” asks Olivia as she tries to help. “What’s your name?”

“I’m Jack,” he responds, as he manages to crawl out from beneath the golf cart. “I’m a bit bruised, but otherwise I’m fine.”

Jack couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Olivia was, and he couldn’t take his eyes off her as she said to him, “Look, Jack, you may have some hidden injuries. Come back to my villa and rest for a while. I’ll help you turn the golf cart over later.”

“That’s kind of you,” says Jack, “but I don’t think my wife would be happy if I did that.”

“Oh, nonsense,” Olivia responded warmly, “your wife won’t mind.”

Olivia was so attractive with such a warm and friendly nature that Jack quickly weakened and said, “Well, if you’re sure.”

As they sat in Olivia’s living room, she offered Jack a restorative Scotch and water, and then they chatted for a while.

An hour went by, but eventually, Jack thanked Olivia, saying, “I feel a lot better now, but my wife will be really upset, so it’s best if I go now.”

“Oh, don’t be silly,” Olivia responded with a smile. “Your wife won’t even know you’ve been here. By the way, where is she?”

“Probably still under the golf cart, I would guess,” Jack says sheepishly.

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If you enjoyed these funny story jokes, dear reader, then please share this post on social media with your friends.

Share the fun, and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

So go on, please share this post now. If you could do that for me, I’d be forever grateful, and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, Best Funny Jokes, best funny jokes for adults, fun, funny, Funny Story Jokes, humor, humour, Influencers, Inspiration, jokes, Laugh, Life, LOL, Meaning, smile, Stress-free

17 cheesy jokes guaranteed to raise a smile

04/02/2025 by Roy Sutton

If you like cheesy jokes, this post is for you.

I’ve been surfing the Internet looking for humour and smiles.

On this occasion, I was specifically looking for cheesy jokes.

And I found 17 cheesy jokes that made me smile. I hope they make you smile today, too.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t identify the authors, but should you be one of them, please let me know, and I will add a suitable credit and link to your work.

Cheesy jokes:

What happens when the smog lifts over Los Angeles?
UCLA

Which US State has the smallest soft drinks?
Mini-soda

Where do pencils go for vacation?
Pencil-vania

What do you call an unpredictable, out-of-control photographer?
A loose Canon

What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay?
A Bagel

Where do Volkswagens go when they get old?
The Old Volks home!

What did the fisherman say to the magician?
Pick a cod, any cod!

Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the casino?
Because he was on a roll

Why did the poor man sell yeast?
To raise some dough

How do snails fight?
They slug it out

Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window?
Because he wanted to see time fly!

What did the cat say after eating two robins lying in the sun?
I just love baskin’ robins

What do lawyers wear to court?
Lawsuits!

Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
He wanted cold, hard cash!

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.

How does NASA organize a party?
They planet

What do you call four bullfighters standing in quicksand?
Quattro Sinko

Please share this post with your friends:

So, dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

Were these cheesy quotes funny? Did they make you smile? If so, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Your support is appreciated. Thank you.

Articles you might enjoy:

Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, Cheese, Cheesy, Cheesy Jokes, funny, Hilarious, humor, humour, jokes, Laugh, Laugh Out Loud, LOL, smile, Stress-free

35 of the best one-liners ever. You’ll love them all

03/29/2025 by Roy Sutton

Today I offer you some of the best one-liners ever. Well, they are, in my opinion, at least.

I love a great one-liner, and these are all brilliant. They’re amusing, sharp, and very witty. I hope at least one or two of them will brighten your day.

So take a couple of minutes and enjoy them all.

And please feel free to share them.

Best one-liners ever (1-12)

Am I indecisive? I’m not sure.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A clean house suggests there’s no WiFi.

Not all math puns are terrible. Just sum.

It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.

I started with nothing, and I’ve still got most of it.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

When life gives you melons, you could be dyslexic.

You say you’re a compulsive liar, but I don’t believe you.

Since I had my neck brace fitted I’ve never looked back.

Best one-liners ever (13-24)

A liberal is just a conservative who hasn’t been mugged yet.

Yeah? You and whose army?

What did your last slave die of?

Yes, I’ve had a good time, but this wasn’t it.

If I didn’t have bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.

You look like you’ve found a dime and lost a dollar.

Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.

My life’s as good as anyone’s if their life’s truly awful.

Keep looking like that and your face will stay that way.

Well, you certainly look like you’ve got the face you deserve.

Am I looking at you? Why? Do I look like I’ve got nothing better to do?

With a face like that, you must have done something terrible in a previous life.

Best one-liners ever (25-35)

Don’t be a fool all your life, take five minutes off and give the rest of us a break.

Drive like an idiot and it won’t be long before you’ll meet another idiot heading in the other direction.

Your face and voice suggest your career options will be limited to those things you can do well with your hands.

You shouldn’t laugh at your wife’s choices because you’re one of them.

You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon fails to return home, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving unless it’s something you plan to do more than once.

I love to hold hands at the movies but for some reason, strangers sitting next to me never seem that keen.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you’ll look forward to the trip.

Is it true that the security guys at the Samsung Store are known as Guardians of the Galaxy?

You know they’re your friends when you walk into their home, and you connect to the WiFi automatically.

The absurdity of the sexual act is God’s way of reminding us that he does have a sense of humor.

Enjoyed these one-liners?

So, dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these one-liners made you smile, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you can put a smile on someone else’s face, you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, and please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Thank you.

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25 silly jokes that are laugh out loud funny

03/11/2025 by Roy Sutton

Here’s another batch of short and silly but laugh out loud funny jokes just for you, dear reader.

Laughter is the best medicine, and we all need laugh out loud funny jokes to brighten our challenging lives.

So grab a coffee and take a few moments to enjoy these laugh out loud funny jokes right now.

I hope they give you a few minutes of pleasure to brighten your day.

Laugh out loud funny:

If I’m nobody;
And nobody’s perfect;
Then I must be perfect.

Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.

How do you befriend a squirrel?
Act like a nut.

Why did the lifeguard kick the elephants out of the pool?
Because they kept dropping their trunks.

What do you call a pooch living in Alaska?
A chilly dog.

What do call you a row of bunnies moving backwards?
A receding hare line.

Why was the paediatrician always losing his temper?
Because he had little patients.

What condition does a noodle have when it doesn’t feel it’s good enough?
Impasta syndrome.

Would you like to hear a joke about construction?
I’m still working on it.
I told my dad to embrace his mistakes.
He cried and gave me a big hug.

My wife was complaining that I never take her anywhere expensive.
So I said, “Come on, get in the car; we’re going to the gas station.”

They say 40 is the new 30
But try telling that to a traffic cop.

Relationships are like algebra.
You look at your X and wonder Y.

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
BREATH!

What do you call a magic dog?
A labracadabrador.

You could say it was an emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tears.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.

A guy assaulted me with milk, cream, and butter.
How dairy.

My ex-wife still misses me.
But her aim’s improving.

I own a pencil once owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot.
Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.

People didn’t like having to bend over to get their drinks.
So I decided to raise the bar.

The World Tongue-Twister Champion was up before the judge in court.
I imagine he’ll be given a tough sentence.

I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.

I hate insects puns.
They really bug me.

I’ve been trying to lose weight.
But it keeps finding me.

Please share this post:

So did these rib-tickling jokes prove to be as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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This hilarious joke is guaranteed to make you laugh

01/24/2025 by Roy Sutton

We all must laugh at least once daily, wouldn’t you agree? Well, dear reader, if you’ve yet to laugh today, I think this hilarious joke will just be what you need.

This is a joke guaranteed to make you laugh, and it’s one you can tell in the office without worrying about offending people.

So go on, take a minute, and enjoy it.

Hilarious Joke:

Standing up to the Angels:

A man dies and suddenly finds himself standing in line at the Pearly Gates waiting for St Peter.

With a cloud-connected iPad in his hand, St Peter is checking the details of each individual standing in line to decide whether they’ve done enough to pass through the gates into Heaven.

When the man gets to the front of the queue, St Peter looks at him and says, “Name please?”

“I’m Jim Thompson”, says the man.

“Hello Jim”, says St Peter, “Can you tell me what you did for a living please?”

Jim hesitated momentarily before saying, “Unfortunately I was out of work and living on welfare.”

“Hmmmmm”, says St Peter rubbing his chin. “Have you done anything recently that has benefited your fellow human beings?”

Jim thought for a minute, and then he said, “Well, when I saw a group of Hells Angels abusing a pretty girl in the street, I walked right up to the ringleader, and getting right into his personal space, nose to nose, looking him dead in the eye, I said to him, ‘You show that girl some respect, boy or you and I will have to sort it out man to man’.”

St Peter tapped something into his iPad and considered the response momentarily. Then he said to Jim, “I’m afraid there’s nothing in your records to confirm what you’ve said. When did it happen?”

“About five minutes ago”, said Jim.

If you enjoyed this hilarious joke, dear reader, then please share it on social media with your friends.

Share the fun, and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

And if you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

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25 brilliant one-liners guaranteed to make you smile

01/22/2025 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for some brilliant one-liners, dear reader, I have some gems for you today.

There’s so much on the Internet and so little time to read it all. And what we all need is a good laugh. The problem is that we haven’t got time to read all the longer jokes.

Worry not. Help is at hand. Here are 25 brilliant one-liners guaranteed to make you smile.

Certainly, they all made me smile.

They’ll only consume 30 seconds of your time, and they’re well worth the effort.

And of course, laughter is the best medicine. So rather than take medication, you can have a good laugh instead.

Surely that’s a win-win situation? Go on, enjoy them all now.

Brilliant one-liners (1-10):

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

If photons have mass does that mean they’re Catholic?

I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me.

If I had a dollar for every smart person I know I’d be broke.

A liberal is just a conservative who hasn’t been mugged yet.

Brilliant one-liners (11-20):

I never make mistakes. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don’t have.

Can you increase the bounciness of a waterbed by using spring water?

If you can’t beat them, you could always arrange to have them beaten.

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

I saw a sign that said, “Watch for Children,” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

She wanted a puppy. But I didn’t want a puppy. So, we compromised and got a puppy.

Why is the day you do your housework, laundry, cooking, and ironing called a day off?

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend actually thinking.

Brilliant one-liners (21-25):

You know they’re a real friend when you walk into their house and your WiFi connects automatically.

I’m great at multitasking; I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

If a woman wants to scare a man, the only question she needs to ask is, “Do you know what day it is today?”

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day to survive. It’s a good thing my older brother told me about it.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?