27 witty one-liners so good you’ll laugh out loud

10/28/2023 by

Witty One-LinersNow, do you fancy a bit of a laugh? A few witty one-liners, maybe?

Would you really like something to make you smile?

You’d love to have a laugh or two, but you don’t have the time to enjoy anything for too long, right?

Well, fear not. It’s important you make at least a little time for a laugh. It will make you feel so much better.

Today I offer you 27 witty one-liners that are guaranteed to make you smile.

They all made me smile, and I’m confident that some of them will brighten your day too.

If you enjoy humor that’s concise and razor-sharp, then this collection of witty one-liners is just for you, dear reader.

So go on, take a minute or two, and have a good laugh right now. Enjoy them all.

Witty One-Liners (1-10):

  1. I think the worst thing about driving a time machine will be your kids in the back always moaning, ‘Are we then yet?‘ ~Paul F Taylor
  2. If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself. ~Ian Smith
  3. I wanted to be a baker, but I never rose to the challenge. ~Author Unknown
  4. I’m writing a book on reverse psychology. Please don’t read it. ~Author Unknown
  5. Crime in multi-storey car parks? That’s wrong on so many different levels. ~Tim Vine
  6. As a kid, I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog. ~Gary Delaney
  7. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
  8. I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
  9. I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. ~Nick Helm
  10. I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe

Witty One-Liners (11-20):

  1. Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~Jordan Brookes
  2. I was trying to write a novel about puns, but it just turned out to be a play on words. ~Author Unknown
  3. I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia, and she whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’ ~Author Unknown
  4. One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, ‘Ah well, you only live once.’ ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
  5. My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So, I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger. ~Nick Hall
  6. If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late. ~Joel Dommett
  7. People say I’ve got no willpower, but I’ve quit smoking loads of times. ~Kai Humphries
  8. I tried to write a pun about the wind, but it just blew away. ~Author Unknown
  9. My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought, ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be?‘ ~Paul McCaffrey
  10. It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel

Witty One-Liners (21-27):

  1. I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: This could be interesting. ~Paddy Lennox
  2. I used to be a baker, but I could never make enough dough. ~Author Unknown
  3. Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache, and glasses, I think, There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him. ~Carey Marx
  4. “What’s a couple?’ I asked my mom. She said, “Two or three.’ Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed. ~Josie Long
  5. I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
  6. Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara. ~Olaf Falafel
  7. Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge? ~Dan Antolpolski

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5 really funny jokes to make you smile

10/17/2023 by

REALLY FUNNY JOKESIf you’re looking for some really funny jokes, then take a look at these five I’ve got for you today.

They all made me smile and I’m confident they’ll tickle your funny bone too.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to share them.

Really funny jokes:

1. The Parrot:

Jack is a magician performing magic shows on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.

It’s an undemanding workload of two shows a day to a crowd of elderly American tourists, who all seem to enjoy his show.

However, there’s one problem that’s increasingly challenging for Jack and that’s the captain’s talking parrot which he brings to every show.

The parrot’s seen Jack’s show so many times it knows how all the tricks are done and it reveals these secrets to the audience after each trick.

When there’s a trick with a water jug, the parrot will say, “It’s a fake water jug!“

When there’s a trick with a rabbit, the parrot will say, “The rabbit is under his hat!“

And when there’s the showpiece finale with Jack’s pretty assistant, the parrot will say, “The girl’s hiding under a trap door!“

Frustrating as all this is for Jack, the audience thinks it’s part of the act and they love it.

So instead of coming to see Jack perform his magic tricks, the crowds are turning up to see him being humiliated by the parrot.

To turn things around, Jack’s constantly trying to find a new trick to impress the crowd. A trick that the parrot won’t know how it’s done.

One day, he announces a spectacular new disappearing trick which involves pyrotechnics and fire.

All the passengers and crew fill the auditorium to see this new trick on the first night it’s being performed.

Unfortunately, as he’s performing it, Jack accidentally ignites a nearby fuel line causing a series of explosions resulting in the ship breaking apart and sinking within seconds.

The next morning as the sun rises, all that’s left of the ship is some floating wreckage with Jack and the parrot clinging to it.

Jack and the parrot glare at each other but no words are spoken.

This goes on for several days until, at the end of the week, the parrot breaks the silence by saying, “OK I give up. Where’s the ship?”

2. Little Johnny Joke:

Old Mrs Thompson could hear someone sobbing, so she wandered out into her backyard to see what was going on.

Quickly, she realises that the sobbing sounds are coming from next door.

Naturally, being curious, she looks over the fence to see what’s going on.

There she sees little Johnny, with tears streaming down his cheeks, patting down a large mound of earth with a spade.

“Hello Johnny,” said Mrs Thompson, “is everything alright?”

“No, it’s not alright mam,” said Johnny. “My goldfish is dead, and I’ve just had to bury it.“

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Mrs Thompson responded.

Staring momentarily at the mound of earth that Johnny’s patting down, Mrs Thompson then inquired, “That seems like a large grave for a goldfish, Johnny, why did you make it so big?“

“Because the goldfish’s inside your cat!” Johnny responded.

3. The Old Tomb:

In Russia, a group of building workers are digging the foundations for a multistorey building when, suddenly, they discover an old tomb.

So, the site manager calls in three groups of experts to investigate. The experts include anthropologists, archaeologists, and the KGB.

The anthropologists looked inside the tomb, did some testing, took photographs, and then produced a report. They conclude that the tomb was that of a nobleman from medieval times. However, they felt more testing was required.

So, the archaeologists started their investigation. They take samples, have them tested in the laboratory, and then check the results against their database. Finally, they agree on a conclusion.

Their report suggests that the tomb, and the body in it, is that of a male, probably in his fifties when he died. They believed that the tomb was sealed around the year 1,100. However, once again, they suggest more investigation is required for a more precise answer.

So, at this point, the KGB entered the tomb. The door was immediately sealed, and nothing could be heard for a few days. Eventually, the door opens again and the men from the KGB present their conclusion.

The KGB chief says, “We have established that this is the tomb of Vladimir Demidov, born in the year 1,025, March 9th. He was the ruler of this province for 30 years after his father died of an unknown illness. He was married to Lady Yelizaveta in 1,047. They had no children and when he died, his tomb was sealed to preserve the sanctity of his rest, under the Holy Trinity Russian Orthodox Church, which was demolished in 1,800 when the town was reformed.“

The other experts looked on in amazement, until one asked, “How were you able to gather so much precise information so quickly?”

“Well,” said the KGB chief, “we took our time, naturally, but with our methods, it was only a matter of time before the corpse confessed everything.”

4. Three Wishes:

One day three guys, Jim, Rick, and Bobby, are out having a relaxing day out fishing near Cape Cod.

Suddenly, to their great surprise, they catch a mermaid.

They haul the mermaid up in a net, and she promises them that if they set her free, in return she will grant each of them a wish.

Jim is unconvinced, so he says, “Alright, if you can grant wishes, then double my IQ.”

“Done!” says the mermaid. Suddenly Jim has a way with words, can express himself clearly and can even write poetry effortlessly.

Rick is so amazed at what he’s just witnessed, he says to the mermaid, “Alright, I want you to triple my IQ.”

“Done!” says the mermaid. Suddenly, Rick can do complex arithmetic calculations in his head with ease.

Well, Bobby is truly impressed with what he’s just seen, so he says, “Alright, I want you to quadruple my IQ.”

“Sir,” says the mermaid, “I don’t normally try to change people’s minds when they make a wish, but you really should reconsider your request.”

“Why?” asks Bobby.

“Well, sir,” the mermaid responds, “the implications of what you’re asking will be greater than you think.”

“Well, I don’t care,” says Bobby. “If you want us to set you free, I want my IQ quadrupled.”

The mermaid smiles and says, “As you wish.”

With that, there’s a puff of smoke and Bobby suddenly turns into a woman.

5. Wasp Expert:

Jim is a world expert on wasps and the sounds they make and he’s walking along Main Street when he stumbles upon a record shop specialising in vinyl records.

Jim wanders into the store for a look around and he’s thumbing through the record racks when he finds an album titled ‘Wasps of the World and the Sounds They Make.’

Intrigued, Jim asks if he can listen to a track.

The clerk agrees and Jim steps into the booth to listen.

Well, he listens but he doesn’t recognise the sound.

So, Jim says to the clerk, “Hey buddy, I’m an expert on wasp sounds and I didn’t recognise the sounds on that track.”

“Sir, I’m sorry,” says the clerk, “let me play you another track.”

Another track is played but Jim doesn’t recognise that sound.

“Listen, buddy,” says Jim, “I am a wasp expert, and I don’t recognise that sound either.”

“Let me play you another one then,” says the clerk.

Another track is played with the same result.

“No!” says Jim, “I’m sorry but these are not wasp sounds. I’m an expert and I’d know.”

The clerk looked puzzled momentarily, as he studied the album.

Then he suddenly exclaimed, “I’m sorry! I’ve just realised, I was playing you the bee side.”

Please share the fun:

Really Funny JokesSo, did any of these really funny jokes tickle you today, dear reader? I hope so.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh. If so click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

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50 funny one-line jokes that’ll tickle you

10/06/2023 by

50 FUNNY ONE-LINE JOKESAttention, laughter-seekers! Have you ever had one of those days where you just need a quick chuckle to lift your spirits? Well, you’ve just struck comedic gold! Dive into this collection of 50 funny one-line jokes and you’ll be tickled silly.

These aren’t just any jokes, they’re bite-sized bursts of joy, tailor-made to brighten your day in a flash.

So, go on, take a few moments to indulge in some humour therapy. After all, laughter is always the best medicine.

If you’re ready for a laughter spree? Read on!

Funny One-Line Jokes (1-10):

  1. Welcome to the Assumption Club! I think we all know why we’re here.
  2. Remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
  3. The only thing flat-earthers must fear is sphere itself.
  4. A recent study showed that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren’t Happy.
  5. If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
  6. Am I getting older or is the supermarket finally playing great music?
  7. Runner accidentally shot with starting pistol! Police say it’s race-related.
  8. A massive swarm of flying insects has invaded our town. The Police have deployed a swat team.
  9. My teachers told me that I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic. Well, I’ve shown them how wrong they were because I’ve just won a prize for the vase I made.
  10. I’ve just bought a new gadget. It’s a GPS for Seniors. Not only does it tell me how to get to where I’m going, but it also reminds me when I get there, why I was going there in the first place.

Funny One-Line Jokes (11-20):

  1. Old age is like underwear. It creeps up on you.
  2. Do gun manuals have a troubleshooting section?
  3. What begins as a love triangle ends as wrecktangle.
  4. It’s a fact; butterflies are not what they used to be.
  5. I went to the Indian store to buy bread. They had Naan.
  6. To the thief who took my anti-depressants. I hope you’re happy now.
  7. If you’re pining for a good tree pun, it’s a pity they’re not more poplar.
  8. When you’re down by the sea and an eel bites your knee that’s a Moray.
  9. Let’s give a big shout-out to your fingers because you can always count on them.
  10. They said dance like no one was watching. So, I did, whilst on jury duty, and now I’ve been charged with Contempt of Court.

Funny One-Line Jokes (21-30):

  1. Taller people sleep longer in bed.
  2. I can do paper or plastic because i’m bisackual.
  3. What happens if two snails get into a fight? They slug it out.
  4. I had a dream about mufflers last night. I woke up exhausted.
  5. Puns about communism aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.
  6. Forklift operators hate puns. Apparently, they find them unpalletable.
  7. Thought for today: When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, do you become a vacuum cleaner?
  8. A Plumber’s truck has just passed me with the sign on it saying, “We repair what your husband fixed!”
  9. I just saw a sign in my local optician’s window that says, “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
  10. There’s a sign in my local shoe repair store window that says, “We will heel you. We will save your sole. And we will even dye for you!“

Funny One-Line Jokes (31-40):

  1. I’m looking to buy an old, disused lighthouse but nothing too flashy.
  2. In the front yard of a Funeral Home, it says, “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
  3. Don’t you just hate people who can’t let go of the past? Debt collectors are the worst.
  4. Someone broke into my house and stole all the fruit. Who would do that? I’m peachless!
  5. Sign on the back of Septic Tank Truck: “Caution! This truck is full of political promises.”
  6. There are so many scams on the internet nowadays. Send me $50 and I’ll tell you how to avoid them.
  7. In my local restaurant window, it says, “Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”
  8. Question of the Day: Did the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” ever come up with any other memorable phrases?
  9. At the job interview, they asked me whether I could perform under pressure. I said, “No, but I’m willing to try Bohemian Rhapsody.”
  10. As a child, I didn’t care how I dressed, my parents dressed me. Looking through the old family photos, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.

Funny One-Line Jokes (41-50):

  1. It’s weird being the same age as old people.
  2. It’s irritating when people don’t know the difference between your and you’re. There so stupid.
  3. We come from dust, and to dust we will return. That’s why I don’t dust. It could be someone I know.
  4. I wasn’t my parents’ favourite child, but I was the first one they thought of whenever the police turned up.
  5. People say love is the best feeling, but I don’t agree. Surely, finding a toilet when you’ve got diarrhoea is a much better feeling?
  6. The older I get, the more I regret all the people I’ve lost over the years. Maybe being a trail guide wasn’t such a great idea after all.
  7. A friend of mine finally gathered enough courage to ask the supermarket cashier for a date. She said, “They’re in the fruits section next to the bananas.“
  8. The job interviewer said, “It says in your resume that you went to Harvard University.” I smiled and said, “Yes! I was there for my cousin’s graduation.”
  9. A sign in bold type in the window at Sid’s Maintenance Shop said, “I CAN REPAIR ANYTHING!” Under that, it said, “Please Knock Hard. Doorbell Doesn’t Work.”
  10. I rang my local restaurant and asked, “Do you do takeaways?” A polite guy at the other end said, “Yes, we do!” Cheerfully, I responded, “That’s great! What’s 352 minus 97?”

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50 FUNNY ONE-LINE JOKESSo did these funny one-line jokes prove to be as funny as you’d hoped?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read here then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

Articles you might enjoy:

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21 funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile

10/01/2023 by

FUNNY ONE-LINERS GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SMILEHere is another batch of funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile.

Once again I’ve been searching for the best smiles I can find just to brighten your day dear reader. I’ve done the hard work, so you don’t have to.

So sit back, relax and I hope you enjoy these funny one-liners just as much as I did.

And don’t forget your friends.

If you enjoy these smiles then your friends probably will too.

So pass them on, but not before you’ve enjoyed them yourself.

Funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile (1-10):

  1. If you need an ark, I Noah guy.
  2. The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
  3. Never give up on your dreams. Stay in bed and sleep on.
  4. I wouldn’t say that my ceiling is the best, but it’s up there.
  5. You must agree, the shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
  6. Never tell your secrets in a cornfield. There are too many ears.
  7. Why do bees hum? Because they can never remember the words.
  8. Why are ghosts always bad liars? Because you can see right through them.
  9. What would you call someone with just a nose and no body? Nobody knows.
  10. My dog used to chase people on a bike. It got so bad, I had to take his bike away.

Funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile (11-21):

  1. There’s a store on Main Street where you can get dead batteries free of charge.
  2. I used to work as an origami teacher, but I hated it. There was too much paperwork.
  3. I told my suitcase there will be no vacation this year. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.
  4. I was amused to read the epitaph on the late dentist’s gravestone. It read “He’s now filling his last cavity.”
  5. Why is everything delivered by ship called a cargo and yet if it’s delivered by a van, it’s called a shipment?
  6. Our local farmer has started feeding his cows with bird seed. That would explain why the milk is going cheep.
  7. My sister bet me $1,000,000 that I couldn’t make a car using spaghetti. Her face was a picture when I drove pasta.
  8. A man delivers a load of bubble wrap. “Where do you want this, he asks?” “Oh, just pop it in the corner” was the reply.
  9. Change your password to incorrect and then if you can’t quite remember it, your computer will say your password is incorrect.
  10. They’ve just opened a new restaurant Downtown. It’s called Karma and they don’t have a menu. You just get what you deserve.
  11. A police recruit was asked during his exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He answered, “Call for backup.”

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FUNNY ONE-LINERS GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SMILESo did these funny one-liners prove to be as funny as you’d hoped dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read here then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

Articles you might enjoy:

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5 funniest jokes about law and order

09/27/2023 by

FUNNIEST JOKES about law and orderDear reader, are you in need of a good laugh? Well, here are 5 of the funniest jokes about law and order to brighten your day. They all made me smile, so I hope you’ll enjoy them too.

They say laughter is the best medicine and I agree. When you’re feeling down and in need of cheering up, few things have a greater impact than a good joke.

So relax, take a few minutes and enjoy them all. And please feel free to pass them on.

Funniest jokes about law and order:

1. Rookie cop:

Jake is a rookie cop and he’s on his first day in a patrol car.

His partner is Vinny, an experienced cop who’s been around the block a few times and he knows the score.

Nothing much happens for the first hour of their shift but then suddenly they get a call on the radio asking them to disperse a group of people who’ve been reported as loitering on Main Street.

“Let me deal with this one Vinny”, says Jake, all pumped up and ready to go.

“OK buddy, go for it!” Vinny responds.

As their patrol car approaches Main Street they can see a small crowd on the corner.

So Jake jumps out of the patrol car, approaches the small crowd and says, “Okay people can we move along now, please? Come on now, as quickly as you can. Nothing to see here. Surely you’ve all got homes to go to?”

The crowd ignores Jake’s instruction, so he feels compelled to repeat his command, “Come on now move along, please. There’s nothing to see here. Failure to comply with a police officer’s instruction is a misdemeanour and I will have to book you if you don’t move along.”

Well, his comment about being booked seems to do the trick because people then start to drift away in different directions.

His confidence now boosted by his apparent success, Jake gets back into the patrol car.

Jake smiles at Vinny and says, “Not a bad start don’t you think?”

“Yeah, I guess so”, says Vinny, “pity it was Bus Stop though.”

2. Don’t mess with old people:

Fred is an older man living on his own when he spots burglars breaking into the shed in his garden one night.

Naturally, he’s left feeling a little insecure by this turn of events, so he calls 911.

Well, the 911 operator advises Fred that there are no patrol cars available in his area to help him right now.

So Fred hangs up the phone and waits for a few minutes before he calls 911 again.

“I called you a few minutes ago to report burglars in my garden shed. Well you can cancel my request for help now because I’ve just shot them all”, says Fred.

Within minutes there are three patrol cars outside Fred’s house with sirens wailing and blue lights flashing.

One of the police officers marches up the drive and says to Fred, “I thought you said you’d shot them all?”

“And I thought you said that there were no patrol cars available,” says Fred.

3. Driving Lesson:

Bill is giving his teenage son, Jack, a driving lesson.

Suddenly, Jack makes a right turn on a red light.

“Oh, no!” shouts Bill. “I think you’ve just made an illegal turn.”

“Take a chill pill, Dad” Jack responds, “The police car right behind us has just done the same thing.”

4. Speeding Driver:

A police officer, Jim Murphy stops a speeding car.

As Officer Murphy approaches the vehicle, it’s obvious to him that the driver is extremely agitated. So, naturally, Officer Murphy is cautious.

“Good afternoon, sir,” said the police officer. “Do you know why I’ve stopped you?”

“Yes, officer,” the driver responds. “I was speeding. But you’ve got to understand, I’m in a life-or-death situation.”

“Really?” Officer Murphy responds, quizzically. “And why is that, sir?”

“Officer,” the man continues, “there’s a naked woman waiting for me at my house.”

“Well, I don’t see how that’s a matter of life or death, sir,” says Officer Murphy in response.

“It is,” the driver continues, “because if I don’t get home before my wife does, I’m a dead man!”

5. Silence in court:

Jim is in the dock facing a double murder charge.

“You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner”, says the Judge.

Hearing this charge, a man in the public gallery screams, “You son of a bitch.”

Ignoring this interruption the Judge continues, “You are also charged with beating your wife’s lover to death with a spanner.”

Again the man in the public gallery screams, “You son of a bitch.”

Irritated by this second interruption, the Judge turns her attention to the gallery and says, “Sir I understand your outrage at what are terrible crimes but I will not tolerate another such outburst in this courtroom. Interrupt again and you will be held in contempt of court.”

“I’m sorry your honour”, said the man, “but I’ve lived next door to this son of a bitch for 12 years and every time I’ve asked to borrow a spanner he told me he didn’t have one.”

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5 FUNNIEST JOKES about law and orderI hope you found these the funniest jokes about law and order dear reader.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh. If so click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

So go on, please do it now. I will be ever so grateful.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

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15 black humor jokes that’ll definitely make you laugh

09/22/2023 by

BLACK HUMOR JOKESIf you’re like me then you’ll need a good laugh each and every day. It is after all the best medicine, they say. If nothing else it certainly relieves stress.

I love all forms of humor, even what I’d call black humor. That’s humor with a slightly darker edge?

Some people find this type of humor a little distasteful but personally, I think it can still be very funny.

Here are 15 black humor jokes that I think will definitely make you laugh. Well some of them will make you smile at least.

None of these jokes are too distasteful, so I hope they will appeal to everyone. If they don’t appeal to you dear reader then I will endeavour to offer something more in line with your preferences next time.

For those who like humor with a darker edge, enjoy!

Black Humor Jokes (Part 1):

  • Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news. Which one would you like to hear first?
  • Patient: The good news, please.
  • Doctor: I’ve got the diagnosis for your illness. Unfortunately, it suggests you have only two days to live.
  • Patient: So what’s the bad news then?”
  • Doctor: I’ve been trying to contact you for two days.

 

  • Today really has been a terrible day.
  • First, my wife gets hit by a bus.
  • Then I lose my job as a bus driver.

 

  • The doctor gave me one year to live.
  • So in the heat of the moment, I shot him.
  • The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
  • Wow, honey, I never thought our son would go that far.
  • Yes, isn’t this catapult amazing? Quick get our daughter!

 

  • Girl: So, what do you do?
  • Boy: I work with animals every day.
  • Girl: Oh that’s so sweet! What exactly do you do?
  • Boy: I’m a butcher.

 

  • What do you call a dog with no legs?
  • Doesn’t matter what you call him, he won’t come to you anyway.

black humor jokesBlack Humor Jokes (Part 2):

  • Fred walks into a shop and sees a nice looking dog.
  • Does your dog bite? Fred says to the shop assistant.
  • No, my dog doesn’t bite, said the assistant.
  • Fred starts petting the dog but it attacks him viciously.
  • You said your dog doesn’t bite, said Fred.
  • He doesn’t. That isn’t my dog, said the assistant.

 

  • I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my father did.
  • Not screaming and yelling like the passengers on his bus.

 

  • They say the quickest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach.
  • Personally, I find a knife through the ribcage a lot quicker.

 

  • Finally, I got one of those roof-top boxes for the car.
  • It’s very practical. I can barely hear my kids now.

 

  • I took my wife out for tea and biscuits. 
  • She wasn’t very happy about having to donate blood though.

 

  • Mom, I’m still having those sharp headaches!
  • Then don’t stand in front of the dartboard!

 

  • Why did the one-armed man cross the road?
  • To get to the second-hand shop.

 

  • A man awakens from a coma.
  • His wife is irritated and changes out of her black clothing.
  • I really can’t depend on you for anything, can I?

 

  • If I’m smiling, I’m probably thinking of doing something evil. 
  • If I’m laughing, I’ve already done it.

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BLACK HUMOR JOKESSo dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these black humor jokes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

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7 short story jokes guaranteed to make you laugh

09/13/2023 by

SHORT STORY JOKESDo you like short story jokes? Those little yarns that go on for a while, only for the punchline to pop out of leftfield.  Today I have seven little gems which I hope will make you laugh.

Enjoy them all and please, feel free to pass them on.

Short story jokes:

1. The Dead Duck

A woman brings a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon.

As she lays her beloved pet duck on the table, the vet puts his stethoscope on the bird’s chest and listens carefully.

A moment later the vet shakes his head and says sadly, “I’m really sorry mam, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.“

The woman becomes quite distressed and begins to cry.

“Are you sure?” she says with tears flooding from her eyes.

“Yes mam, I am sure” the vet responds. “Your duck is definitely dead.“

“But how can you be so sure?” the woman protests. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything have you? Perhaps he’s just stunned or in a coma or something.”

The vet rolls his eyes, then turns around and leaves the room.

A few minutes later he returns with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck’s owner looks on in amazement, the Labrador stands on his hind legs, puts his front paws on the examination table and sniffs around the duck from top to bottom. He then looks up at the vet with sad eyes and shakes his head.

The vet pats the dog on the head and takes it out of the room.

A few minutes later the vet returns with a cat. The cat jumps on the table and delicately sniffs at the bird from its head to its feet. After a moment the cat looks up, shakes its head, meows softly and strolls out of the room.

The vet looks at the woman and says, “Look mam I’m really sorry, but as I said before, this is most definitely a duck that is no longer of this world. Your duck is dead.“

The vet then turns to his computer terminal, hits a few keys and produces a bill, which he hands to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, looks at the bill and sees it is $150.

“$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” she shrieks with incredulity

The vet shrugs his shoulders and says, “I’m sorry mam. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. However, with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.“

2. Never underestimate an old man

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.

Right at the back of the farm, there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer decides to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn’t been down there for a while.

Before setting off, he grabs a five-gallon bucket as he decides he’ll bring back some fruit.

As he nears the pond, he can hear voices shouting and laughing with glee. Clearly, someone is having a good time.

As the farmer gets closer, he can see a bunch of young women who are clearly skinny-dipping in his pond.

He makes the women aware of his presence and immediately they all swim over to the far end.

One of the women then shouts, “We’re not coming out until you leave mister!“

The farmer replies, “Ladies, I didn’t come down here to watch you swim naked or make you get out of the pond. You carry on.“

The wily old-timer then holds up his bucket and says, “I just came down here to feed the alligators!“

Moral of the story: Never underestimate an old man.

3. Divine intervention:

For a weekend break, three old college buddies go down to Tijuana, Mexico to enjoy a reunion.

Well, they hadn’t seen each other for quite a few years so the stories were long, the laughs were loud and the booze really did flow that night.

They had such a good time, that they all woke up the following morning and found themselves in jail.

None of them could remember anything. However, within a couple of hours, they’re all sentenced to be executed the following day.

The following morning they’re all escorted to death row, where Bill, the first of the group is strapped into the electric chair. Then Bill is asked if he’d like to say any words.

“Sure,” Bill responds. “I’m from the Catholic University of America and I believe in the power of almighty God. I am innocent and God will intervene.”

The executioner throws the switch but nothing happens.

Well, the prison staff can’t believe this turn of events. They beg Bill’s forgiveness and release him.

Next up for the chair is Gary. He’s strapped in and once again he’s offered the opportunity to say something.

“Well, I’m from Harvard Law School,” says Gary, “and I believe that the power of natural justice will intervene because I’m innocent.”

Once again, the executioner throws the switch but nothing happens.

Again the prison staff can’t believe this turn of events. They beg Gary’s forgiveness and release him.

Finally, Mike’s strapped into the chair and once again he’s offered the opportunity to say something.

“Well,” says Mike. “I have a PhD in Electrical Engineering from Massachusetts Institute of Technology and I can tell you now, you won’t be executing anyone if you don’t plug this thing in.”

4. It’s only Rock & Roll:

Mary, an attractive lady of 85, was marrying for the fourth time.

Naturally, this was a human-interest story and the local newspaper decided to send a reporter to interview Mary.

The reporter sat with Mary and asked, “Could you tell me about your husbands and how they earned their living?”

Mary smiled and said, “Well, my first husband was a banker, then I married a circus ringmaster, next was a preacher and now at 85, I’m marrying a funeral director.”

“Wow,” said the reporter, they’ve all had such diverse careers.”

“Yes,” said Mary, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go.“

5. Helping the unfortunate:

For the first time in decades, Giuseppe, an old Italian farmer decided it was time for him to go to confession to seek absolution for his sins.

So, he went to the Roman Catholic church in his village and entered the confessional box.

He knelt and said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

The priest replied quietly, “What is this sin of which you speak, my son?”

“Father,” Giuseppe continued, “during the Second World War a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy, so I hid her in my loft.”

“Well,” said the priest, “it was wartime, a fellow human being was in trouble and in need of shelter, and you helped. Surely, that’s a noble act?”

“But father,” Giuseppe continued, “it’s worse than you might think.”

“In what way?” asked the priest.

“She repaid me with sexual favours,” said Giuseppe, somewhat embarrassed.

“In wartime,” the priest responded, “people act in ways they wouldn’t do in peacetime. If you’re truly sorry for your actions, then you’re forgiven.”

“Thank you,” said Giuseppe, “that’s a great weight off my mind. But Father, may I ask you a question?”

“Yes, of course,” the priest responded.

Giuseppe paused momentarily, and then said, “Should I tell her that the war is over?”

6. Jack the cowboy

SHORT STORY JOKESJack is a cowboy working on a large ranch in a remote pasture in Wyoming.

One day as he’s overseeing the livestock on the ranch a brand-new 7 Series BMW suddenly advances toward him creating an enormous cloud of dust in the process

The car stops and the driver is a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie. He steps out of the car and says to the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?“

Jack looks at the man, who’s obviously a yuppie, he then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and responds calmly, “Sure, why not?“

The yuppie then whips out a very impressive iPhone Pro smartphone from his jacket pocket and begins to surf the NASA website. Simultaneously he uses the GPS satellite to get the exact coordinates of his location. He then feeds that back to Google Earth to capture a high-resolution image of this location.

The young man then opens the digital image in Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Langley, Virginia.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his iPhone Pro to confirm that the image has been processed and the data captured and stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC-connected Excel spreadsheet and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he uses an AirPrint printer located in his car to print out a full-color, 150-page report. He then turns to Jack, hands him the report and says, “Sir, you’ll see from the Executive Summary that you have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.“

“That’s right,” says Jack. “I guess you can take one of my calves.“

Jack then watches with amusement as the young man struggles to get the animal into the trunk of his car.

After a minute or two, Jack says to the guy, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my calf back?“

The young man thinks for a second and then he says, “Sure, why not?”

“You’re a Congressman for the US Government“, says Jack.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?“

“No guessing required son,” Jack responded. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want paying for an answer I already know; to a question, I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how smart you are; and you don’t know a thing about how ordinary, working people make a living, or about cows for that matter. If you did you’d know that this herd is actually a flock of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”

7. The old Native American and a $500 loan 

SHORT STORY JOKESAn old Native American man has a need to borrow $500, so he goes to his local bank and asks to speak with the Loans Officer.

The banker welcomes him and then says a loan application form must be completed. So he takes a loan application form from his desk drawer and begins to question the old man.

“So, what are you going to do with the money?” he asks the man.

“Buy silver, make jewellery, then sell it,” the man responded.

“And what have you got for collateral?” asked the banker.

“Don’t know collateral,” replied the old man

“Well that’s something of value that you provide us with to cover the cost of the loan if you fail to repay,” said the banker. “For instance, have you got any vehicles?“

“Yes. 1979 Chevy pickup,” replied the old man

The banker shook his head, “No that won’t do, I’m afraid. How about livestock?“

“Yes, I have a horse,” replied the old man.

“How old is it?” the banker enquired.

“Don’t know, has no teeth,” replies the old man.

The conversation went on like this for a while but eventually, the banker decided to grant the $500 loan to the old man.

Several weeks later the old man returns to the bank.

He pulls out a large roll of $100 bills from his pocket, “Here to pay,” he says.

He then hands the banker $500 in $100 bills to repay his loan.

“Business has been good I can see,” says the banker. “What are you going to do with the rest of that money?“

“Keep it close to me,” the old man responded.

“Why don’t you just deposit it in my bank,” the banker enquired.

“Don’t know deposit,” replied the old man

“Well, you just put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. Whenever you want to use it, you can withdraw it,” the banker responded.

The old Native American man leans across the desk, looks the banker in the eye and asks, “What you got for collateral?“

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SHORT STORY JOKESSo did these short story jokes prove to be as funny as you’d hoped read reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share this post with your friends on social media.

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39 funny Disney jokes to raise a smile

09/07/2023 by

Funny Disney JokesIf it’s funny Disney jokes you’re looking for, dear reader, then here are some light-hearted funnies just for you.

I hope they make you smile and brighten your day.

If you do enjoy them, please feel free to pass them on.

Funny Disney Jokes (1-10):

  1. What did Mickey Mouse have for dessert? Mice cream!
  2. How does Ariel stay in touch with her friends? Sea-mail!
  3. Why did Mickey Mouse become an astronaut? To visit Pluto!
  4. How did the Genie fit everything into his lamp? With difficulty!
  5. Why was Tinkerbell feeling blue? She was having a fairy bad day!
  6. Why did Donald Duck watch the news? To get the feather forecast!
  7. What did Quasimodo say after winning the lottery? I’m ringing in the cash!
  8. Why did the Disney cat sit on the computer? To keep an eye on the mouse!
  9. Why did Goofy wear two pairs of pants to play golf? In case he got a hole in one!
  10. Why don’t Disney characters listen to the media anymore? They’ve heard enough fairy tales!

Funny Disney Jokes (11-20):

  1. What does Ariel use to call her friends? A shell phone!
  2. What kind of shoes does Mickey Mouse wear? Squeakers!
  3. Why does Peter Pan never get his feet dirty? He Neverlands!
  4. What did Nala tell Simba after he was walking too slowly? Mufasa!
  5. Why did Woody give Bullseye some water? Because he was a little horse!
  6. Why was Cinderella bad at basketball? Because she ran away from the ball!
  7. Why did Captain Hook become a chef? Because he’s great at hooking up a good meal!
  8. Why did Snow White treat each dwarf equally? Because she’s the fairest of them all.
  9. What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t show up? Someday my prints will come!
  10. What did the postcard say to the stamp at the Disney post office? Stick with me, and we’ll go places!

Funny Disney Jokes (21-30):

  1. 39 FUNNY DISNEY JOKESHow does Ariel like her toast? With mermelade!
  2. Where does Olaf keep his money? In a snowbank!
  3. Why was the broom late in Fantasia? It overswept!
  4. How does the Little Mermaid wash her fins? With Tide!
  5. What do you call a fairy who never bathes? Stinkerbell!
  6. Why couldn’t Mickey surf the web? He didn’t have a mouse pad!
  7. What did Dumbo do before he went on holiday? He packed his trunk!
  8. Why did Goofy bring a ladder to the bar? He’d heard the drinks were on the house!
  9. Why did Daisy Duck say she was always calm? Because she’s never quacking under pressure!
  10. Why do the Seven Dwarfs dance while they play? Because the hills are alive with the sound of music!

Funny Disney Jokes (31-39):

  1. Why wouldn’t Piglet use the toilet? He saw Pooh on it!
  2. What is Tarzan’s favourite Christmas carol? Jungle Bells!
  3. Why did Dopey take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
  4. How did Gaston get the baking job? By egg-saggerating his skills!
  5. What does a Disney princess use to unlock her room? A-riel key!
  6. What did the Jungle Book teach us about bananas? They’re apeeling!
  7. Why did Aladdin go to the bank? To check his balance on the flying carpet!
  8. Why was Eeyore always calm during tests? He knew how to stay relaxed under ass-essment!
  9. Why did Goofy stare at the computer screen? Because he wanted to keep an eye on the mouse!

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Funny Disney JokesSo dear reader, did any of these funny Disney jokes prove to be as funny as you’d hoped?

I hope so.

However, there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read today, please share it with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share it now, then I would be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

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7 of the funniest jokes you’ll read today or any day

09/04/2023 by

FUNNIEST JOKESIf you’ve been searching for the funniest jokes then I’m sure you’ll enjoy the seven I have on offer here. They all made me laugh and I hope you enjoy them. too, dear reader.

And if you do enjoy them, don’t forget to pass them on. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So, thank you.

Funniest Jokes:

1. Fred & Ginger dining out:

Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers were dining out in a very swanky, five-star New York City hotel and they’d both made a point of dressing for the occasion.

Ginger looked absolutely stunning in her ball gown and diamond tiara while Fred arrived in his trademark top hat, white tie and tails. They both looked like the million-dollar movie stars they were.

All was going well with dinner until they got to dessert. While serving dessert the clumsy waiter managed to trip and Fred was showered from head to toe in treacle pudding.

“Oh, I’m most terribly sorry, Mr Astaire,” said the waiter.

Fred was not amused. “So you ought to be,” he said angrily.

Fred sat there fuming as the waiter tried his best to assist.

“Look at the state of me now,” said Fred. “I’ve pudding on my top hat; pudding on my white tie; and pudding on my tails.”

2. Church on Sunday:

Leaving church one Sunday Bernadette said to her husband Frank, “Do you think Mrs O’Shaughnessy is dying her hair?”

“To be honest Bernadette, I didn’t even notice Mrs O’Shaughnessy,” Frank responded.

They walked together quietly for a few moments and then Bernadette remarked, “Did you see that skirt Mrs Kilkenny was wearing? Now don’t tell me you thought that was appropriate for a 40-year-old mother of six.”

“I’m afraid I didn’t really notice Mrs Kilkenny either,” said Frank.

“Huh!” Bernadette responded dismissively. “A lot of good it does you going to church on Sundays.”

3. The protest:

An isolated monastery was inhabited by an order of monks who communicated with each other solely by chanting.

Every morning, they would gather in the chapel and the abbot would chant, “Good morning, assembled brethren.”

In response, the monks would chant, “Good morning, Father Abbot.”

However, one morning a disgruntled monk decided to make his point by chanting, “Good evening, Father Abbot.”

The abbot was not amused, and he glared at the assembled monks before he said, “Someone chanted evening.”

4. Dogs and cats:

A German Shepherd dog, a Doberman and a cat all die on the same day, and they find themselves at the Pearly Gates facing God’s judgement.

God is seated on a golden throne, and he asks each in turn what they believe in.

The German shepherd answers by saying, “Dear God, I’m a firm believer in discipline and loyalty to my master.”

“That’s excellent,” said God, “you may sit here at my right side.”

“So, Doberman,” says God, “what is your response to my question?”

The Doberman reflects on the question momentarily and then says, “Dear God, I believe in love, care and the protection of my master and his family.“

“That’s very good,” said God, “you may sit here at my left side.”

God then looks at the cat, he smiles and then says, “So, my feline friend, what is it you believe?”

A moment or two passes before the cat looks at God nonchalantly and then says, “I believe you’re sitting in my chair.“

5. The will reading:

A lawyer was reading out the will of a wealthy man to his family and everyone mentioned in the document.

“To my loving wife Mary, my rock and without whom my life would have been very different, I leave the mansion in Bel-Air and $20 million,” the lawyer read out loud.

He paused momentarily for his audience to digest this information and then he continued reading.

“To my darling daughter Louisa who supported me so much when my health began to fail and never once complained, I leave my business, my yacht and $1 million,” said the lawyer.

Again he paused momentarily to allow this information to sink in.

The lawyer then continued reading the final section of the will, “And to my brother Neville who argued with me constantly, hated my guts and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Neville!”

6. Engine trouble:

While cruising at 35,000 feet, the aircraft suddenly shuddered violently.

One passenger looked out of the window and then shouted, “Oh my God! One of the engines has just blown up.”

The passengers were white with fear when moments later the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as an engine on the opposite side exploded.

Passengers started to panic and the cabin crew struggled to keep order.

However, just then the Captain strode confidently from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing about which they should be alarmed.

Reassured by the Captain’s calm manner, passengers returned to their seats and he coolly walked over to the aircraft’s door.

He then grabbed several packages from under the seats near the door and started handing them to the rest of the crew.

Crew members immediately fastened these packages to their backs.

One observant passenger said, “Hey, aren’t they parachutes?”

“Yes,” said the Captain.

“But you said there was no need to be alarmed,” the passenger responded.

“There isn’t,” replied the Captain as a third engine suddenly exploded. “We’re going to get help.”

7. Cashflow problem at the zoo:

A zoo was experiencing serious cash flow problems due to visitor numbers falling.

The zoo’s management got together to discuss how they could reverse the trend by introducing a major attraction.

Following the meeting, the manager persuaded a visitor, who was a very big, stocky man, to take a job dressing up in a gorilla costume and masquerading as a great ape.

This deception worked well as the man really threw himself into the role with enthusiasm; devouring buckets of bananas, swinging from branches, pacing his cage menacingly, beating his chest and roaring loudly.

However one day he went a bit too far and he accidentally fell into the lion’s enclosure next door.

Panicking, the bogus gorilla started shouting, “Help! Help!”

The lion let out a tremendous roar, and then rushed at him. He put his paw on the bogus gorilla’s chest and growled, “Shut up buddy, or we’ll both lose our jobs!”

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Funniest JokesSo dear reader, were these jokes worth a little piece of your time?

Perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

If you enjoyed this post then please share it with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

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5 funny stories that’ll make you laugh until you cry

09/01/2023 by

funny stories that'll make you laugh until you cryIf you enjoy stories that make you laugh until you cry, dear reader, then take a look a these I’ve got for you today. I’m confident that at least some of these will make you laugh.

So take a few moments to enjoy them all and please, feel free to share them with your friends.

Stories that make you laugh until you cry:

1. Patrick’s doppelgänger:

Mick is the bartender in a Dublin bar and Patrick is sitting at the counter drinking. Suddenly Patrick says to Mick, “You see that guy over there? Don’t you think he looks just like me?”

“Yes he does”, says Mick humouring him.

Patrick then walks over to his doppelgänger and says, “Excuse me sir, but I couldn’t help noticing that you and I look so much alike.”

“You’re right, we really do look alike”, says the guy.

“Where are you from?” asks Patrick.

“I’m from Rathmines,” says the guy.

“Which street?” Patrick then asks.

“Mayo Abbey Street,” says the guy.

“Mayo Abbey Street?” says Patrick. “Now that’s incredible. That’s my street too. What number?”

“I live at 47” the guy responds.

“47?” says Patrick. “I don’t believe it! Me too! What are your parents’ names?”

“Thomas and Bernadette,” says the guy.

“That’s unbelievable” Patrick responds. “My parents have the same names.”

Just then Mick’s colleague Jim arrives on shift.

“How’s it going Mick?” says Jim. “Has there been much happening tonight?”

“Not really” Mick responds, “oh, except for the O’Donnell twins being drunk again.”

2. Pumping out the tank:

A C5 Galaxy military transport aircraft is being prepared for departure at a US Air Force base in Greenland.

The crew’s waiting for a truck to arrive so that the aircraft’s sewage tank can be pumped out.

Nothing’s going quite to plan and the aircraft commander is growing impatient.

When the truck eventually shows up, the airman carrying out the pumping task on the tank is extremely slow and seems to take an age.

Eventually, the commander has had enough and he snaps and threatens to punish the airman for being so slow.

“Sir, I have no stripes, it’s twenty-five below zero, I’m stationed in Greenland miles from civilization, and I’m pumping sewage.” the airman responds. “What could you possibly do that would punish me further?”

3. Customer expectations:

I must complain about the customer service I’ve just experienced in my local store.

I probably shouldn’t name the store, for obvious legal reasons, but I bought something from there, and I paid cash for it. I took it home and discovered it failed to live up to all the promises I’d heard when the product was advertised on television.

Naturally, I took the product back and requested a refund.

Even though I still had the receipt, the cashier declined my request.

So, I requested a replacement instead, but again the cashier said “No!” in a manner that I thought was insensitive and lacking in empathy.

Well, I wasn’t going to give up without a fight, so I demanded to see the manager.

The manager arrived and I explained that the product had not met my expectations and therefore I wanted a refund.

With a smirk on his face, the manager just said, “Sorry, buddy, but you’re out of luck. There’s no refund.”

“Well, how about a replacement?” I responded.

“There’s no replacement either,” he said, rather unsympathetically.

“Right,” I said, sharply, “you’ve lost my custom. I won’t be buying a Lottery Ticket here again!”

4. The artist:

An artist asks the gallery owner if there has been any interest in any of the paintings he currently has on display.

“Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you”, the owner replies.

“What’s the good news?” asks the artist.

“Well a gentleman inquired about your work and he asked me whether the paintings would appreciate in value after your death”, says the owner.

“Really?” inquires the artist.

“Yes, and when I told him they would, he bought all thirty of your paintings” the owner continued.

“Wow, that’s fantastic news!” says the artist. “So what’s the bad news?”

“The gentleman said he was your doctor” the owner responds.

5. Be careful who you threaten:

Jack’s still driving, despite being 85 years old.

One day, he’s driving his Chevrolet Spark into town when he misjudges a turn and manages to bump into a very expensive Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren.

It is only a bump but even minor fixes to expensive cars can cost thousands of dollars.

The wealthy guy in the Mercedes is not happy.

He jumps out and confronts Jack.

“Look what you’ve done to my car, old man!” exclaims the driver. “I want $5,000 for the repairs. I want it now or I’ll have to beat it out of you.”

“Now just hold on there, buddy,” says Jack. “I don’t carry that much money but let me call my grandson, he’s with Delta Airlines.”

Jack calls his grandson, but as he’s about to speak, the Mercedes driver grabs the phone from his hand and shouts, “So you’re with Delta Airlines? Well you listen to me trolley dolly, your grandad just damaged my car, so you’d better bring me $5,000 for the repairs or I’m going to beat it out of him.”

Jack’s grandson responds politely, “Sir, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be with you to sort this out.”

In exactly 15 minutes Jack’s grandson pulls up in a Jeep accompanied by three other burly, tough-looking military guys. They all look like they could be Special Forces.

Well, the Mercedes driver is smart enough to recognise trouble when he sees it. So he jumps in his car and gets the hell out of there as quick as he can.

With that, Jack’s grandson walks over to him and says, “Grandad, how many times must I tell you? I’m not with Delta Airlines. I’m with Delta Force!”

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