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15 more short story jokes guaranteed to make you laugh

07/22/2025 by Roy Sutton

Looking for some more short story jokes, dear reader? Well, I’ve got 15 funny ones here for you today. I guarantee they’ll make you laugh.

So, grab a cup of coffee and take a few moments to relax and enjoy them all.

And please, feel free to pass them on.

More Short Story Jokes (1-5):

1. The Brown Bear:

Two friends, Bill and George were out hiking in the Katmai National Park in Alaska when suddenly they saw a brown bear ambling along in their direction.

Bill immediately takes out a pair of running shoes from his backpack and then sits down to replace his heavy hiking books with his Nikes.

George is puzzled by Bill’s actions, so naturally, he asks, “Bill why are you putting on your running shoes right now?”

“George, you don’t seriously think I’m going to hang around until we’re spotted by that bear, do you?” Bill responds.

“Bill, don’t be ridiculous,” said George, “you’ll never outrun a brown bear.”

“I don’t have to outrun the bear,” Bill responded “I only have to outrun you!”

With that Bill disappeared into the distance shouting back as he went, “Good luck with that bear George.”

Moral of the Story: When it’s you or the other guy, make sure it’s not you.

2. The Efficiency Expert:

I took my wife to a fancy restaurant in Manhattan called The Lemon Tree.

As the waiter was taking our order I noticed he had a spoon in his shirt pocket. This seemed a little strange but initially, I ignored it.

However, when the busboy brought our water and utensils, I couldn’t help noticing that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

And then as I gazed around the restaurant I could see that all the staff had spoons in their shirt pockets.

So when the waiter came back to serve the soup naturally I enquired, “Why is every member of staff here carrying a spoon?”

“Well,” said the waiter, “the restaurant’s owner hired consultants from McKinsey to improve our processes. After several weeks of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. They calculated that there was a drop frequency of approximately three spoons per table per hour.”

“Are you serious?” I felt compelled to ask.

“Yes sir!” said the waiter. “They concluded that if our people are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it at this point I managed to drop my spoon and he replaced it with the spare from his pocket immediately.

He then explained, “I’ll simply get another spoon when I next go to the kitchen, rather than making a special trip there right now.”

Such efficiency was impressive.

I then noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.

Looking around, I could see that all of the other waiters had the same string hanging from their flies too.

Puzzled by this I asked the waiter, “Why do you all have a string hanging from the fly in your trousers?”

“Oh!” he said, lowering his voice, “The McKinsey consultants concluded that this will help us save time when we have to visit the restroom during a shift.”

“How so?” I inquired.

“Well,” he said, “by tying this string to the tip of our ‘you-know-what’, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands. This shortens the time spent in the restroom by 39% they think.”

“Wow!” I said. “But how do you put it back in your trousers once you’ve finished?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”

3. Goodtime Girl:

I met a girl in a bar who said she worked in a fairground.

She asked me if I would like to go to her place and have a good time.

She wasn’t kidding. I went on the Dodgems, the Big Dipper, the Waltzer and the Ghost Train, all for free. I even came home with a goldfish and some Cotton Candy.

4. Car Park Incident:

I left my car in a multi-storey car park the other day, and when I returned, the back of the car had a huge dent in it.

I found a note under the windshield wiper, and it said, “Sorry but I accidentally reversed into your car. There were witnesses, so I left this note so they’d think I was leaving my contact details. Well, I’m not. And in case you’re wondering, the CCTV is broken too, so it’s not your lucky day.”

5. Tupperware:

Jock is a former special forces soldier who gets hired by the Sultan of Oman to help train his army.

After six months, Jock submits a leave request so he can visit Scotland for his mother’s birthday.

The Sultan is happy to grant his request, provided Jock promises to bring him back something traditionally Scottish.

Well, Jock goes home to Glasgow and enjoys celebrating his mother’s birthday and having a few drinks with all his old mates.

The day before Jock is due to fly back to Muscat, he realises he’d forgotten about the Sultan’s request.

“Hey, ma,” says Jock, “I was supposed to get something traditionally Scottish for the Sultan and I forgot.”

“Relax, son,” said his mother. “I’ll bake some of my famous shortbread. You can take that back with you.”

With that, she bakes several trays of shortbread and, once it’s all cooled, she puts it all in Tupperware boxes to keep it fresh.

When Jock arrives back in Oman, he presents the Sultan with the traditional Scottish shortbread.

Well, the Sultan is impressed with this traditional Scottish treat and thoroughly enjoys it. To show his appreciation, the Sultan sends Jock’s mum a solid gold vase. A prized item worth a considerable sum.

A few more months pass, and once again, Jock requests some leave so he can visit Scotland.

Once again, it’s not a problem.

“Yes, of course,” says the Sultan, “but please bring me back some of that delicious homemade shortbread.“

So, Jock goes back to Glasgow, and he mentions to his mum that he wants her to make some more shortbread for the Sultan.

“You must be joking, son,” says his mother. “I’m still waiting on my Tupperware dishes back!“

More Short Story Jokes (6-10):

6. A quick one:

Pete finally went to see his physician for a checkup, and the doctor said to him, “Can we talk about your weight?“

“Sure,” said Pete. “It was about 25 minutes, but the chairs were comfortable, and the selection of magazines was impressive.“

7. Farming Logic:

A guy is driving along a country road when he sees a farmer standing in the middle of a large field. The farmer is doing absolutely nothing except standing and gazing into the distance.

The guy stops and asks the farmer if he’s OK.

“Yes,” said the farmer, “I’m fine.”

“That’s good,” says the guy. “I was a little worried, as you’re just standing and staring at nothing in particular.”

“That’s because I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize,” the farmer responds.

“A Nobel Prize?” says the guy, somewhat surprised. “How will you win a Nobel Prize?”

“Well,” says the farmer, “I’m told that to win a Nobel Prize, you just need to be out standing in your field.”

8. The Counterfeiters:

A couple of small-time counterfeiters, Jack and Earl had managed to get hold of a small stock of the actual paper used for printing American currency. This was a genuine stroke of luck and they intended to make the most of it. So they set about printing some twenty-dollar bills.

However, they’d been drinking heavily beforehand and their attention to the job wasn’t all that it should have been. Nevertheless, they printed off their counterfeit currency and then staggered off to bed.

The following morning when they’d sobered up they looked at their previous night’s work and suddenly realized they’d printed $18 dollar bills by mistake.

“Oh, no!” said Jack. “We’ve used all the paper, so we can’t print them off again, can we?”

“No problem,” said Earl. “All we need to do is find some little hick town in the hills somewhere and go into a store and ask some inbred to change them for lower denomination notes.”

“Do you think that will work?” said Jack.

“Sure!” said Earl “And I know just the place.”

So Jack and Earl got in their car with all the counterfeit currency and headed for a little hick town in NowheresVille.

Eventually, they came to a tiny little town deep in the hills with just one store. So they stopped and entered the store.

Jack handed one of the counterfeit $18 bills to the guy behind the counter and politely asked, “Hey buddy, would you mind changing this for some lower denomination notes, please? If you could, that would be appreciated.“

The clerk looked at the $18 bill, smiled and said, “Sure, no problem. What’s your preference, two nines or three sixes?“

9. The Thoughtful Husband:

Sometime after Stephen had died his widow, Alice was finally able to speak about what a wonderful and thoughtful man her late husband had been.

“Stephen thought of everything“, she told her friend Mabel. “You know, just before he died, Stephen called me to his bedside and he handed me three envelopes.“

“Really?” said Mabel. “And what did he say?”

“He said, Alice, I have put my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I’ve instructed. Then I can rest in peace,” Alice responded.

“So, what was in the envelopes?” Mabel enquired.

“In the first envelope, there was $5,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this money to buy a nice casket’. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such thick padding in the lining that I know Stephen is resting very comfortably.” Alice responded.

“Really?” said Mabel.

“Yes,” said Alice, “And in the second envelope there was $10,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this for a nice funeral’. I arranged a very dignified funeral for Stephen, attended by all his friends and family.”

“So what was in the third envelope?” asked Mabel.

“The third envelope contained $50,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this to buy a suitable stone so I’m remembered’.” Alice responded.

At this point, she held up her hand to Mabel and pointed to the ten-carat diamond ring on her finger.

“So Mabel,” said Alice, “do you like the stone?“

10. The Hearing Test:

Bill was concerned about his elderly wife’s hearing. So he decided to test it without telling her.

He went to the corner of the room about 15 feet away from her and said, “Honey can you hear me?“

There was no response.

So he went about 5 feet away from his wife and again said, “Honey can you hear me?“

Still, he got no response.

So he leaned over the back of her chair and raised his voice, shouting in her ear, “HONEY CAN YOU HEAR ME?”

His wife put down her newspaper and turned towards him saying, “Bill, I said ‘Yes’ three times already!“

Moral of the Story: Don’t assume someone else is the source of a problem. It could be you who’s the problem.

More Short Story Jokes (11-15):

11. Biblical tale:

Little Maisie is sitting on a jam-packed train.

A man sat next to her, and he noticed she was reading a biblical tale. So, he engages her in conversation.

“What are you reading?” asked the man.

“It’s the story of Jonah and the Whale,” Maisie responds.

The man smiles and says, “You do know that it is physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human being because, even though it is a large mammal, it only has a small throat.”

Little Maisie smiles politely and says, “Well, when I get to Heaven, I’ll be sure to ask Jonah what happened.”

The man smiles back and then says, “How can you be sure Jonah went to Heaven? He may have gone to Hell.”

Little Maisie thought about this comment momentarily and then said, “Well, if that’s the case, I guess you’ll have to ask him!“

Moral of the Story: Don’t mess with kids, they’re never short of an answer.

12. Chicken crossing the road:

On a dark country road, late at night, Jane is driving when she runs over a chicken crossing the road.

Just as she stops to check what has happened, a farmer runs over to her in hysterics.

“Oh my god!” screamed the farmer. “That was our prized egg-laying hen! Most of our income came from the eggs it laid. We’re already underwater on the house; how will I feed my family now?“

Jane began to panic. However, thinking fast, she remembered she was carrying $500 in cash. So, she handed over the money to the farmer, saying, “I’m sorry. It was an accident. Take this by way of compensation.”

The farmer calms down and takes the money, and Jane leaves the scene as quickly as she can before there’s any chance of him changing his mind.

As Jane’s car disappears into the distance, the farmer heads back to his chicken coop. As he’s about to retrieve another chicken, his wife appears and asks him what’s going on.

The farmer tells her the story of the run-over chicken and the $500.

The farmer’s wife looked at him suspiciously and asked, “Why was our chicken crossing the road?“

As the farmer lifts another chicken out of the coop, he smiles and says, “Because we have a mortgage, honey!“

Moral of the Story: Don’t mess with farmers, they’re never short of a solution to a problem.

13. The knock:

Jim and his wife, Laura, were awakened at 2 am by a loud knock on their front door.

So, Jim got up, went downstairs and opened the door. It was raining heavily, and standing there was a man who appeared to be drunk.

“Excuse me, sir,” said the drunk. “Can you give me a push?”

“You’re joking,” Jim responded. “It’s pouring with rain, it’s 2 am, and I’m tired after a long day at work. You’ll have to find someone else to help you.”

With that, Jim slammed the door and went back to bed.

“Who was it?” asked Laura

“It was just some drunken guy asking for a push,” said Jim.

“Oh, how unfortunate for him,” said Laura. “Did you help him?”

“No, I did not,” said Jim. “It’s late, it’s raining, and I’m tired. He can find someone else to help him.

“Well, you have a short memory,” says Laura. “Have you forgotten last month when our car broke down in the rain and you were glad that a guy stopped to help you. So, go and help him. That would be the decent thing to do.”

Well, Laura’s words made Jim feel guilty, so he got up, got dressed and went out to help the guy.

Naturally, at this time, it’s pitch black and it’s hard to see anything.

So, Jim calls out, “Hello, buddy, are you still there?“

There was a momentary silence before Jim heard a voice. “Yes!” said the voice.

“Do you still need a push?” shouted Jim.

“Yes, please!” The guy shouts back.

“I can’t see you in the dark. Where are you exactly?” asks Jim.

There was another momentary pause before Jim heard the guy shout, “I’m over here on the swing.”

14. Good intentions:

Myrtle is travelling with her dog, Rover, on a flight from New York to Wilmington, North Carolina.

She checks in her luggage and Rover in a crate.

When the flight arrives in Wilmington, the baggage handlers are unloading the luggage compartment, and when they get to the crate, they see that the dog is dead.

Fearing a lawsuit and the possibility of losing their jobs, the baggage handlers drive over to a pet store near the airport to see if there’s any chance they might have a dog for sale that matches Rover in breed and appearance.

Well, it seemed the Lord was smiling on them, because the pet store did indeed have a dog for sale that was a perfect match.

Having purchased the dog, they return to the airport with no more than five minutes to spare before Myrtle arrives to collect her luggage and the dog.

As the baggage handlers brought the crate to her, Myrtle looked in and screamed, “Oh my God!”

“Mam, is there a problem?” asked the chief baggage handler.

“That’s not Rover!” shouted Myrtle.

“How can you tell?” asked the baggage handler.

“Because Rover was dead,” said Myrtle. “I was bringing him home to be buried.”

Moral of the Story: Just because you mean well doesn’t mean it will end well.

15. IRS Audit:

Jake was a young tech entrepreneur who had been less than careful with his bookkeeping. Suddenly, he finds himself being subjected to an IRS audit.

Before he could completely comprehend what was happening, Jake was summoned to a meeting with a tax officer at his local IRS office to explain his financial circumstances.

Being nervous about how to deal with this, he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear to the meeting.

Being wary of the IRS, his accountant said, “Listen, buddy, you don’t want to give them the impression that you’re doing well. So, wear the shabbiest clothing you have and let them think you’re a pauper.“

This advice didn’t convince Jake, so he decided to seek a second opinion from his lawyer.

His lawyer had a different view from his accountant.

“You’ve got to look like you mean business. Don’t let them intimidate you,” said the lawyer. “If you do, they’ll think you’ve something to hide. Look your best and wear a suit and tie.”

These opposing views left Jake a little confused.

So, he went to his parish priest and told him about the conflicting advice he’d received from his professional advisors. “Father, what should I do?” asked Jake.

“Let me tell you a story, my son, about a young woman of this parish,” said Father Murphy. “She was about to be married and asked her mother for advice about what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother suggested she wear a flannel night-gown. However, when she asked her friend the same question, she was told to wear a see-through negligee.“

“I’m sorry, Father,” Jake interjected, “but how is this relevant to my predicament?”

Father Murphy smiled at him benevolently and said, “Jake, my son, it’s the IRS. It doesn’t matter what you wear, you’re still going to get screwed.“

So dear reader, that was some more short story jokes. I hope you enjoyed them and that they were worth a few minutes of your time.

Perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then click on the links below.

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Funny political satire with laughter guaranteed

07/18/2025 by Roy Sutton

If you enjoy funny political satire, then you’ll appreciate the video I have for you today.

In the times we now live in, it seems that intelligent political debate is something from a bygone age.

Perhaps it never really existed at all.

However, the politically correct modern media has created a debate so lacking in intelligent and informed analysis that it has become completely pointless, I think.

If you live in the United Kingdom, dear reader, then an excellent example for me is the BBC’s Question Time. It may have a different host now in Fiona Bruce, but it’s still just a lot of hot air, I think.

Essentially, it’s just a carefully selected group of people with rigid views, coupled with an inability to understand why others may think differently. And an unwillingness even to try.

I suppose that’s just the way it is these days.

Nevertheless, it’s not a complete loss to us all, as it does offer fertile ground for comedy and political satire.

So if you think that the BBC’s Question Time has become a mess of evidence-free assertions, class warfare, soundbites, and smugness, then you might enjoy this comedy sketch from Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse.

It’s hilarious, and for me, they have truly nailed the nature of what passes for modern political debate.

It made me laugh, and I hope it makes you smile too.

Funny political satire:

And here is today’s funny political satire video:

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25 complaints about holidays that’ll make you smile

07/17/2025 by Roy Sutton

Today, I am exploring complaints about holidays.

The problem with travel is that it can fail to meet our expectations. So, naturally, travel agents regularly get their fair share of complaints about holidays from their customers.

Here are 25 examples of complaints received by a well-known British travel agent, all of which certainly made me smile.

So, please take a few moments to enjoy them all.

And please feel free to pass them on.

Complaints about holidays (1-10):

No one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were scared.
The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.
We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers, as they were all Spaniards.
Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg slicer in the drawers.
On my holiday to India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.
They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband, who just wanted to relax.
We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white, but it was more like pale yellow.
I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper British biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.
It’s lazy for the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during siesta time. This should be banned.
We booked an excursion to a water park, but no one told us we had to bring our swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.

Complaints about holidays (11-20):

A mosquito bit me. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.
We had to line up outside to catch the boat, and there was no air-conditioning.
It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.
On our holiday in Rome, the tourist attractions were all full of tourists, so I couldn’t enjoy them properly.
I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom, and ours was significantly smaller.
It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.
The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort.’ We’re trainee hairdressers, and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.
When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, and the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.
The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guidebook during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.
My fiancé and I requested twin beds when we booked, but instead, we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.

Complaints about holidays (21-25):

I was disappointed with my holiday in Thailand. It was like taking a vacation in a foreign country.
When we arrived in Beirut, we were told that the local tap water wasn’t safe to drink, so we had to buy bottled water.
The street signs in Tokyo were all in Japanese. As English is the international language, surely, they should all be in English?
The local customs and traditions seemed very strange to us, and that made us feel very uncomfortable. Your brochure didn’t mention that local culture might be different from our own.
I was surprised to find that the local television channels in Latvia didn’t show the latest episodes of Coronation Street and EastEnders. Being away for two weeks means I’ve now missed a big part of the current storylines.

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So, dear reader, did you find any of these complaints about holidays amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

Did any of them make you smile? If so, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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4 funny joke stories your friends will love

07/15/2025 by Roy Sutton

Do you enjoy funny joke stories, dear reader?

Those little stories you can embellish as you tell them, and they always have a funny punch line.

Well, I love them, and here are four that were new to me and that I thought you might enjoy.

Take a moment to read them all, and feel free to share them with others.

Funny joke stories:

1. Shock for the preacher’s wife:

Jeff and Emma both had demanding jobs, working on Wall Street, and they’d decided it was time for them to take a break, catch a little sunshine, and relax down in Acapulco for a week.

As luck would have it, on the day they were due to depart, Emma had to deal with an emergency at the investment bank in which she worked.

So, they agreed that Jeff would go as planned, and Emma would take a later flight, meeting him the following day at the hotel.

When Jeff arrived at the hotel, having checked in, he decided that it would be a good idea to email Emma and let her know he’d arrived safely.

Now Jeff and Emma were active members of the congregation at a Lutheran church in Manhattan, and the wife of the preacher from the church was Emma Davis, which coincidentally was exactly the same name as Jeff’s wife, Emma.

In his haste to type out his message, Jeff inadvertently selected the wrong Emma Davis from his contact list, and his message was sent to the preacher’s wife by mistake.

To compound the problem, it just so happened that the elderly preacher had died suddenly on the day that Jeff had departed for Acapulco.

So, when the grieving widow checked her emails, she saw she had a message from a parishioner, and naturally, she opened it and began reading.

Immediately, she let out a loud, piercing scream, and then she fainted, collapsing to the floor.

At the sound of her falling, her daughter rushed into the room. Her daughter looked at her mother and then glanced at the message her mother had been reading on her iPad.

The email message read:

Dearest Emma,

I’ve just arrived. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. It’s certainly hot down here.

2. The early days in paradise:

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!“

To which God responds, “And what is this problem, Eve?“

“Well, Lord,” says Eve, “I know you created me and all of this beautiful garden and all of these amazing animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m lonely and unhappy.”

Naturally, God is sympathetic to Eve’s plight and says, “Well, Eve, my dear, I have a solution for you. I shall create a man for you.“

“Oh, right,” says Eve. “But what is a man, Lord?”

“Man will be a flawed creature,” says God. “He will have many tiresome traits. He will lie, cheat, and be quite selfish and self-obsessed. He will frequently give you a hard time, too.”

Sounding doubtful, Eve says, “How will this be a positive experience for me then, Lord?”

“Well,” says God, “he’ll be bigger than you, stronger, and will be good at hunting food and killing things.”

“That sounds more encouraging,” says Eve.

God continued, “However, he will look silly when aroused, but he will satisfy your physical needs.”

“Is there anything else I should know, Lord?” says Eve.

“Yes,” God continues. “He will be witless and will enjoy childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be smart, so he’ll need your advice to think properly.“

“That sounds great, Lord,” says Eve, “but what’s the catch?“

“You will have to agree to one condition,” God responds.

“And what is that, Lord?” asks Eve.

“Well, as he will be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring, you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first,” says God. “Can you do that, Eve?”

“Yes, Lord,” says Eve.

“That’s good, but just remember, this will be our little secret, Eve,” says God. “You know, woman to woman.”

3. Old age problem:

Jack was on his lunch break, and he decided that he’d sit in the sunshine in Central Park to eat his lunch.

As he walked into the park, he noticed an elderly man sitting on a bench near the gate, sobbing uncontrollably.

Naturally, Jack stopped and asked the old man what was wrong.

“I have a beautiful, 39-year-old wife at home,” said the old man. “She’s loving and kind, and every morning she gets up and makes me pancakes for breakfast with maple syrup, blueberries, and freshly ground coffee.”

“Wow!” said Jack. “She sounds wonderful. So, why are you crying?”

The old man continued to sob. “She cleans my house and keeps it spotless and tidy. Then she makes me delicious clam chowder and crackers for lunch. And in the afternoon, she sits with me, and we watch the sports channel for the rest of the afternoon.”

“Gee!” Jack responded. “Women like that are hard to find. So, why are you crying?”

With a tear in his eye, the old man said, “For dinner, she always cooks a delicious, gourmet meal with French wine and a fabulous dessert. And after dinner, we cuddle on the sofa watching television until bedtime.”

“You’re a lucky man,” said Jack, “and I don’t understand why in the world you would be crying.”

The old man looked up and sighed, “I can’t remember where I live.”

4. An expression of love:

Jane was a born romantic at heart, and she liked nothing better than to send her husband, Jim, a loving text message whenever he was away on business.

One morning, when Jim was away, she decided to send him a text message, knowing he would likely be in his hotel room getting ready for the day ahead.

Her message read, “If you’re still sleeping, send me your dreams. If you’re laughing, send me your smile. Perhaps you’re still eating; in that case, send me a bite. And if you’re drinking your morning coffee, then send me a sip. I love you!”

Unfortunately for Jane, Jim was the typical blunt, unromantic kind of guy. He responded, “I’m on the toilet, taking a dump. Please advise.”

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So, for you, dear reader, did these funny joke stories make you laugh?

I hope so. However, there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read, then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share this post now, I’d be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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50 sarcastic remarks that say, ‘Don’t mess with me!’

07/15/2025 by Roy Sutton

If you admire clever put-downs or sharp, sarcastic remarks, then here are 50 you might like to add to your quiver full of arrows.

These can be your ammunition for another day when someone tries to put one over on you.

We all need a little ammunition for those occasions when we need to send a message to someone that says, ‘Don’t mess with me!‘

And of course, we all need a good laugh too. These should also help with that. Enjoy them all.

And please feel free to pass them on.

Sarcastic Remarks:

I’ve met some pricks in my time, but you really are the full cactus.
Tact is for people who lack the wit to respond with sarcasm.
Leave sarcasm and insults to the professionals. You’re an amateur.
I’m guessing you’re not a rocket scientist by profession?
You’re mistaking me for someone who cares what you think.
You’re about as useful as a condom with a hole in it.
You’re wearing that shirt for a bet, surely?
There’s more intelligent life at the bottom of ponds.
The mirror doesn’t lie, but lucky for you, it doesn’t laugh either.
If your aim was to impress me, you’ve failed.
Does your carer know you’re out on your own?
Did I ask for your opinion? I think not.
If I act like I don’t care, that’s because I don’t.
If it’s loyalty you want, get a dog.
If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
That’s an eye-catching dress, mam. Where did you buy it? Walmart?
You’re living proof that even dumb people can find work.
Has anyone ever told you that you’re a sandwich short of a picnic?
You’re the result of four billion years of evolution. Try to act like it.
That was about as interesting as watching paint dry.
I’ve had more fun having a root canal treatment.
You’re not the sharpest knife in the drawer, are you?
Did you still find it funny when it happened to you?
You’re not ugly. Unattractive, definitely, but not really ugly.
You have all the charm of a cobra in a bad mood.
In another age, you’d have been burned at the stake.
Normally, I pretend to like you, but today I really can’t be bothered.
Violence may not solve anything, but it might make me feel better.
Bad planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.
Sure, I’ll help you out, buddy. The same way you came in.
Don’t take yourself too seriously; no one else does.
If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
You sound better with your mouth closed.
Boy, haven’t you been smacked with the ugly stick?
I’m sorry. What language are you speaking? It sounds like bullsh**.
You have every right to express an opinion, sir, and I have every right to ignore it.
Do I think you’re stupid? Well, I was wondering how you manage to tie your shoelaces.
You do realize that a line of work consistent with your weaknesses is not an ideal career choice?
I know I asked for a rare steak, but a good vet could have this one back on its feet again and grazing in the pasture.
I’ve met stingy people before, but you wouldn’t give anyone the snot from your nose.
When they ask me to complete the customer satisfaction survey, I’ll be sure to mention that you’re a complete asshole.
I’ve met plenty of stupid people in my time, but you’re taking stupidity to an entirely new level not seen before.
Which part of ‘I’m not interested’ is too difficult for you to understand?
I could insult you, but it would be cruel to pick on someone so lacking in intellect that they cannot defend themselves.
If that dress you’re wearing is part of a get-noticed strategy, mam, it’s working, I can assure you.
When I look at you, I can see that the lights are on, but no one’s home.
I didn’t realize someone could be annoying at first sight until now!
If I wrote down every intelligent thought you’d ever had, it wouldn’t amount to a single tweet
I didn’t say I hated you, but I’d certainly unplug your life support if my phone needed charging.
You’re a low-paid gatekeeper in a cheap suit and a polyester tie, getting off on your little bit of power. Enjoy the moment, buddy. You know you’re nothing, and so does everyone else.

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31 sarcasm examples that’ll really make you smile

07/11/2025 by Roy Sutton

Today, I am exploring sarcasm examples.

Now, some people are uncomfortable with the use of sarcasm. However, I think it can be one of the most effective means of communication. So I’ve been collecting some more sarcasm examples.

So, without further ado, here are 31 sarcasm examples that you can add to your ammunition stockpile. I think they might make you smile, too.

Enjoy them all. And please feel free to pass them on.

Sarcasm examples:

Are you talking to me or chewing a brick?
You’ve got a face only a mother could love.
You’re about as pleasant as colonic irrigation.
Why don’t you go sit on the rough end of a pineapple?
If I appear to be disinterested, that’s because I am.
I didn’t ask for your advice, so why would you assume I need it?
Dressed like that, I’m guessing you’re off to a loud shirt party?
What’s the matter with you? You’ve got a face on you like a wet weekend.
Am I a bitch or just a girl who’s looking after her interests and takes no crap from anyone? You may not like it, but it works for me. So suck it up, buttercup.
I appreciate you giving me this opportunity for a lengthy exchange of ideas, but I’m busy. So please go away.
I get it that life has been unfair to you and that you’re not happy, but why is that my problem?
When you say ad hoc, does that mean I can do it as necessary, or were you trying to impress me with your knowledge of Latin?
When you suggest ‘I’m just biased,’ does that mean deep down you think I may have a point, but you don’t want to admit it?
Listen, buddy, I can sell you a drink, but I can’t offer you solutions to your problems. I’m a bartender, not a psychotherapist.
You keep saying that money’s not important, but I’d love to see how long you can live without it.
What have you done to your hair? It looks like it’s been cut with a knife and fork.
You know you’re old when you receive a welcome letter from AARP, which serves only to remind you that you’re not quite dead yet.
It may be moderately challenging, but let’s face it, it’s not rocket science, is it?
That’s an interesting idea. Why don’t you put it in the suggestion box, and I’ll be sure to ignore it?
So life was so much better back in your day? Well, whoop-dee-doo. The rest of us are so pleased for you, NOT.
It was a joke. We used to tell them to each other before everyone was so easily offended.
Just because you work hard, you shouldn’t assume your efforts will be appreciated. What did you expect? Applause?
You do realize that feeling that everyone’s out to get you may not just be a feeling?
Yes, I received your email, and I ignored it like every other message I have in my inbox. I’ve actually got work to do.
Referring to yourself as a professional is not, for me, a guarantee that you’ll have any significant level of competence.
One day, you’ll realise that behaving like a total dick was not a good idea, and it doesn’t impress anyone.
‘Have a nice day’ is something you say, but in my experience, rarely is it something you mean.
You’re not old. Chronologically challenged, yes! But there’s a bit more life in you yet.
If you don’t feel that this job is worthy of your talents, then you can always quit and go spend more time with your ego.
If you want to lose weight, love, you could try shaving your legs.
Being a perfectionist will make you the worst kind of boss in the world. On the upside, it’ll also make you the best kind of sexual partner. So it’s not all bad.

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35 short but brilliant one liner quotes you’ll love

07/10/2025 by Roy Sutton

I love brilliant one liner quotes. Whenever I come across some good ones, I always make a note of them in my journal. Naturally, I review what I’ve collected occasionally, and I thought today I’d share my most recent collection with you, dear reader.

So here are some short but brilliant one-liner quotes that I’m confident you’ll love.

Enjoy them all.

Brilliant one liner quotes (1-20):

When in doubt, mumble.
Only dead fish go with the flow.
No one’s listening until you fart.
Is it bad luck to be superstitious?
I want to live forever. So far, so good.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
I’m in shape. Round is a shape, isn’t it?
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
There are no real winners in life, only survivors.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving’s not for you!
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is it homeless or naked?
For every action, there’s a corresponding over-reaction.
You should laugh at your problems, everyone else does.
Research confirms that 4 out of 3 people struggle with math.
I don’t have a solution, but I can offer a critical comment.
Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Life is like a bird. It’s pretty cute until it craps on your head.

Brilliant one liner quotes (21-35):

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
People make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
The best way to lie is to tell a carefully edited version of the truth.
I know God’s watching me, so the least I can be is entertaining.
People who smile in a crisis have found someone else to blame.
God must really love stupid people. He’s made so many of them.
Laugh and the world laugh with you. Snore and you sleep alone.
We’re all part of the ultimate statistic – 10 out of 10 people will die.
We live in a society where pizza gets to our house before the police.
Progress is made by lazy people looking for easier ways to do things.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
The hardest thing about success is finding someone who’s pleased for you
The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

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So, please share it now. If you can do that for me, I’ll be forever grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience, and that will be your good deed for the day.

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Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, Brilliant one liner quotes, fun, funny, Hilarious, humor, humour, Philosophy, quotes, witty one liners, witty one-liner jokes

3 funny stories that’ll make you laugh

07/03/2025 by Roy Sutton

Searching for some funny stories, dear reader? Well, if you enjoy jokes in the form of amusing stories, then I have three little gems for you today.

So, grab a coffee and take a few moments to relax and enjoy them all.

And please feel free to share them.

Funny Stories:

1. The boasting Texan:

Gus was a proud Texan who’d never been outside the United States before. So he decided he’d take a vacation in Canada.

On arriving at Toronto Pearson International Airport, he took a cab to his downtown hotel.

During the ride into the city, they passed Queen’s Park, and Gus was a little curious to learn something about the place.

So he said to the cab driver, “Hey buddy, what’s that?”

“Well,” said the cab driver with a sense of pride, “that park is the site of the Ontario Legislative Building, which houses the Legislative Assembly of Ontario. It’s like your State government. Believe it or not, those buildings are over 100 years old, and they’re big, don’t you think?”

Gus was unimpressed. “That’s nothing,” he said. “Back in Texas, we have older buildings that are twice as big.”

Then they drove past the skyscraper known as First Canadian Place.

“And what’s that?” asked Gus.

“Oh, that’s Canada’s tallest skyscraper,” said the cab driver. “Believe it or not, that’s 978 feet high, and it took four years to build.”

“Only 978 feet, that’s not very tall,” Gus responded. “Back home, we have much taller buildings, and they were all built in half the time. In the United States, that building wouldn’t even make the list of the top 10 tallest buildings.”

Naturally, at this point, the cab driver was starting to feel a little irritated by Gus’s boasting.

Soon, they were driving past the CN Tower.

Gus stared at it momentarily and then asked the cab driver, “And what’s that, buddy?”

The cab driver looked at the structure and then smiled, “Oh, that’s just a Canadian pepper grinder.”

2. The wrong priorities:

Jeff was a very successful young lawyer who was involved in a terrible car crash on the freeway.

The whole of the driver’s side of Jeff’s Maserati had been ripped clean off, along with his left arm.

He was staggering out of the wreckage when a motorcycle police officer arrived at the scene.

Jeff was clearly in a state of shock, mumbling, “Oh my God! My car! Look at my car!”

Seeing how badly Jeff was injured, the police officer said, “Sir, please try to stay calm. We need to be more concerned about your injuries than any damage to your car.”

Jeff slowly looked down to where his left arm had once been, and then suddenly he screamed, “Oh my God! My Rolex is gone! Where’s my Rolex?”

3. The Psychiatric Hospital:

Jim and Rita were long-term patients in a psychiatric hospital.

One day, they were walking past the hospital’s therapeutic swimming pool when, suddenly, Jim threw himself into the deep end.

Knowing Jim couldn’t swim at all, Rita dived straight in after him and dragged him to the safety of the poolside.

As luck would have it, the head psychiatrist saw exactly what happened and recognised just how brave Rita had been in the circumstances.

In recognition of her bravery, it was decided that she was ready for discharge from the hospital, as her actions suggested that she was now mentally sound.

So the head psychiatrist called her into his office to tell Rita about the review panel’s decision.

“Rita,” said the head psychiatrist, “I have some good news for you. Unfortunately, I also have some bad news for you.”

“What’s the good news?” asked Rita.

“Well, in recognition of your bravery in saving the life of another patient,” said the head psychiatrist, “we think you’ve shown you’ve regained a sound mind, so it’s been decided that you’re ready to be discharged.”

“That’s good,” said Rita. “But what’s the bad news?”

“Well, Jim subsequently hanged himself with the belt of his robe in the washroom. Unfortunately, he’s dead,” the head psychiatrist responded.

“No, doctor,” said Rita, “he didn’t hang himself. I put him there to dry.”

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9 funny short story jokes to make you laugh

06/27/2025 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for some funny short story jokes to make you laugh, then I think I have nine excellent ones for you today, dear reader.

If you love a good laugh, then I’m confident some of these will tickle your fancy.

So grab a coffee, relax and take a few moments to enjoy them all.

And please, feel free to pass them on.

Funny short story jokes to make you laugh:

1. The funeral cortège:

Bill was walking along Main Street when he saw a funeral cortège, so he stopped for a moment as a mark of respect.

He noticed that there were two hearses with coffins in the cortège, and the procession was being followed by a man walking solemnly with a pit bull terrier on a leash.

And behind him, there was a long line of about 100 men walking quietly in single file.

Curious Bill spoke to the man with the dog and asked, “Excuse me, sir, I don’t want to intrude on this sad occasion, but your situation seems a little unusual. Whose funeral is this?”

“Well”, the man replied, “The first hearse is for my late wife. She died after this dog attacked her.”

“And the second hearse?” said Bill.

“The second hearse is for my late mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife during the attack, and the dog savaged her to death too”, the man responded.

Bill thought momentarily about the challenges in his own life, and then he said to the man, “Is there any chance I could borrow your dog after the funeral?”

The man smiled and pointed to the line of men behind him and said, “You’ll have to join the queue, buddy.”

2. The power of prayer:

Jackie was invited to give a talk at her local women’s group about the power of prayer.

With her husband Mike in the audience, she recalled how a few short months ago she’d turned to God when poor Mike had suffered an unfortunate accident.

“Six months ago”, Jackie began, “my husband Mike was knocked off his motorcycle and his scrotum was smashed.”

Jackie explained that for Mike, the pain had been unbearable, and his doctors weren’t sure they’d be able to help him.

“The doctors warned us that our lives might never be the same again”, said Jackie. “I can tell you I was scared. Mike was unable to get close to me or the children because every move caused him such extreme discomfort. And that meant he could no longer be touched around the scrotum.”

Jackie paused momentarily to allow the audience to absorb her words.

Then she said, “I’m not ashamed to say I turned to God for help, and I prayed that the doctors would be able to repair Mike.”

Again, she paused and then said, “Fortunately, our prayers were answered, and the doctors were able to piece together the remnants of Mike’s scrotum with wire holding everything in place. His medical team tell me that he will make a full recovery and regain the full use of his scrotum.”

As the audience burst into applause, a lone man walked slowly up to the stage and said, “Hello, I’m Mike, Jackie’s husband, and I just wanted to remind my wife once again that the word is ‘sternum’.”

3. Discovering facts:

As part of her rehabilitation, a patient in a mental hospital was told by her psychiatrist to go out into the nearby town and discover one new fact.

Off she went, and then a few hours later, the patient returned to the hospital to tell the psychiatrist all about what she had learned.

So said her psychiatrist, “Were you able to find out something you didn’t know before?”

“Yes”, said the patient, “I discovered that spiders have ears on their legs.”

“Ears on their legs?” said the psychiatrist. “How did you work that out?”

The patient produced a matchbox and when opened a large spider crawled out onto the psychiatrist’s desk.

The patient then said “Boo!”

The spider scurried quickly across the desktop.

The patient then grabbed the spider and proceeded to pull off all its legs.

She then put it back on the desk and once again said, “Boo!”

Naturally, the spider was motionless.

The patient looked at the psychiatrist, smiled and then said, “Do you see? Without its legs, it can’t hear me.”

4. Jogging Rick’s Memory:

Rick had spent several weeks searching for a new hat that resembled the one he had misplaced.

Finally, he remembered a man who attended his local church who wore a similar hat.

So, Rick decided to go to church on Sunday. He thought that if he sat at the back, during the service, he could sneak out and grab the hat from the rack near the door if he left early.

During the service, Rick sat at the back and listened to the sermon about the Ten Commandments.

Despite his cunning plan, Rick sat and listened to the entire sermon, and instead of sneaking out early, he waited until Mass was over and spoke to the priest as he was leaving.

“Hello, Father,” said Rick. “Believe it or not, I came here today with a plan to steal a hat to replace the one I’d lost. But after hearing your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I changed my mind.”

In response, Father O’Riley smiled benevolently and said, “Bless you, my son. Was it when I started to preach ‘Thou shalt not steal’ that changed your mind?”

“No, Father,” Rick responded. “It was when you mentioned the one about adultery. As you started to preach that, I remembered where I’d left my hat.”

5. Old remedies:

Jack walked into a pharmacy and said to the pharmacist, “Excuse me, sir, do you have anything for hiccups?“

The pharmacist walked from behind the counter, appeared to reach for something high on a shelf, and then he suddenly slapped Jack hard on the back.

He smiled at Jack and then said, “There! Did that help?“

“I can’t tell from here,” said Jack. “It’s my wife with the problem, and she’s waiting outside in the car.“

6. Unpaid debt:

Bert is in a dispute with his neighbour, and he goes to see a lawyer for help.

“How can I help you?” asks the lawyer.

“Well, sir,” says Bert, “my neighbour borrowed $500 and now he won’t pay it back. So, what can I do?“

“Do you have any proof that he owes you this money?” asks the lawyer.

“Unfortunately, no,” says Bert. “We used to be friends, and I thought I could trust him.“

“Right,” says the lawyer, “I suggest that I write him a letter, enclosing a stamped, addressed return envelope, requesting the $5,000 that he owes you.“

“But he’ll say that it’s only $500,” says Bert.

“Exactly!” says the lawyer. “That way we’ll have an admission of guilt should it go to court.”

Moral of the Story: A good lawyer won’t let a lack of evidence get in the way of fighting a case.

7. Windfall:

Wally and Mildred are an elderly couple celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary.

They had been childhood sweethearts, and they had recently moved back to the neighbourhood where they grew up.

Holding hands, they walked around the area, and they decided to go back and visit their old school.

The school wasn’t locked, but the classes had gone home for the day.

So, they entered and walked around. Unbelievably, they found their old classroom and the old wooden desk they had shared, on which Wally had carved, “I love Mildred Jones.”

As they were leaving the school campus, an armoured security van drove past and, as it did so, a large bag of money fell out, practically landing at their feet.

Now, there was no one around, so Mildred grabbed it quickly. As they were unsure what to do with it, they decided to take it home.

Once home, Mildred decided she’d sit and count the money. Very quickly, she realised that the bag contained $100,000.

Wally was an honest man and felt that they should return it.

“Nonsense!” said Mildred. “Surely, it’s finders’ keepers. And anyway, we could use a little extra money.”

With that, Mildred put the money back in the bag and hid it in the loft.

The next day, Mildred answered a knock on her front door, and two police officers were standing in front of her.

“Good morning, mam,” said one of the police officers. “We’re investigating the disappearance of a cash bag that fell from a security van yesterday. Did you or your husband see anything?”

Mildred smiled demurely and said, “No, officer.”

At this point, Wally’s conscience got the better of him, and he said, “She’s lying, officer. She’s got the money, and she hid it up in the loft.“

Once again, Mildred smiled demurely and said, “Don’t listen to him, officer, he’s getting senile, and his imagination runs away with him at times.”

“Well, not so fast,” the police officer says. “I think we should listen to what he has to say.”

With that, the officer turns to Wally and says, “Sir, can you tell us the story from the beginning?“

“Well,” said Wally, “when Mildred and I were walking home from school yesterday.“

The two police officers look at each other, and one says, “Let’s go, there’s nothing to see here.”

Moral of the Story: Don’t mess with women of a certain age. You won’t win.

8. The admiral and the general:

A Navy admiral and an Army general were fishing together on a lake one day when a storm blew up and their boat capsized.

Not being quite as fit as they once were, both men were floundering helplessly in the water.

However, eventually, the general managed to right the boat and clamber back on board.

He then rescued the admiral from drowning by reaching out to him with one of the oars and then hauling him back in.

As the admiral was dragged into the boat, he struggled for a few seconds to regain his composure.

Then he said, “Please don’t say a word to anyone about this. If anyone in the Navy knew I couldn’t swim, I’d be disgraced.”

The general smiled and said, “Don’t worry, buddy, your secret’s safe with me. I’d hate for my troops to find out that I couldn’t walk on water.”

9. The origin of the species:

As she was getting ready for school one morning, Grace asked her mother, “How did the human race appear, Mom?”

“Well”, said her mother, “God made Adam and Eve, and they had children, and that’s how we all began, dear.”

Two days later, Grace asked her father the same question.

“Well”, said her father, “first there were apes and from them, the human race has evolved.”

Naturally, these responses left Grace a little confused.

So once again, she spoke with her mother and said, “Mom, I don’t understand. You said that we were created by God but dad says we evolved from apes. How can that be?”

Her mother smiled and said, “Well, darling, it’s all very simple. I was telling you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.”

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Did any of these funny short story jokes make you laugh? If so, please share this post with your friends on social media.

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Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, fun, funny, funny short story jokes, funny short story jokes to make you laugh, humor, humour, jokes, Laugh, Life, LOL, smile, Stress-free

21 funny short story jokes you’ll just love

06/24/2025 by Roy Sutton

Today, I offer you some funny short story jokes, dear reader. I’m confident they’ll make you smile, and I’m sure you’ll have to share them with your friends.

If you enjoy funny short story jokes, you’ll enjoy these.

So grab a coffee, relax and take a few moments to enjoy this veritable joke file that will brighten your day.

And please feel free to pass them on.

Funny Short Story Jokes:

1. Billy wants to get married:

Young Billy returned home one evening for dinner after spending the afternoon playing with his little friend Mary, who lived next door.

Naturally, his parents asked him what he’d been doing all afternoon.

“We played soccer for a while, and then I proposed to Mary,” he said.

Not wishing to belittle him, his mom and dad went along with the idea, but his dad thought a little fatherly advice might be appropriate at this point.

“Billy, being married is an expensive business,” said his dad. “How will you both manage?”

“Well,” said Billy, “with the $5 I get from you for pocket money each week and the $5 she gets from her folks, I think we’ll manage. And I can always take on a paper route to earn extra cash.”

Suppressing a strong desire to burst out laughing, his mother said, “That’s all very well, Billy, but how will you and Mary manage if you were to have a baby?”

“Well,” said Billy, “we’ve been lucky to avoid that so far.”

2. Ben goes to the pool:

Young Ben and his friends went to the local swimming pool for the afternoon.

They were playing around as kids do when the lifeguard shouted at Ben, “Hey, kid, you’re not allowed to pee in the pool!”

“But everyone pees in the pool,” Ben responded.

“Maybe so, kid,” said the lifeguard, “but not from the high diving board.”

3. Knock, Knock:

An elderly man was walking down the street one day when he observed a small boy struggling to reach the doorbell at one of the houses.

The kindly old man said to the boy, “Can I help you with that, sonny?”

At which point he smiled and placed a comforting hand on the boy’s shoulder whilst pressing the doorbell firmly with his other hand.

“There,” said the old man as he stepped back from the door. “Now, what do we do, young man?”

“We run like hell, mister,” the boy replied.

4. Potato family:

A family of potatoes sat down to dinner.

There was a mom potato, a dad potato, and three daughter potatoes.

The oldest daughter said, “I have some exciting news! I’m getting married!“

Well, there was an excited response around the dinner table.

“Oh, we’re so happy for you!” said dad potato, “Who’s the lucky guy?“

“He’s an Idaho potato,” his daughter responded.

“That’s wonderful news,” said mom potato. “Idaho potatoes are solid, salt-of-the-earth types. Real hard workers.“

The middle daughter then spoke, “Wow, what a coincidence. I also just received a proposal, too.“

Again, there was a buzz of excitement around the table

“And who proposed to you?” asked mom potato.

“He’s a sweet potato,” said the daughter.

“That’s wonderful,” said sad dad potato. “Sweet potatoes are known for their kindness and gentleness. He will take great care of you.“

Well, now the third daughter felt it was time to have her say, “Mom and Dad, I’m getting married, too!“

“Oh, my goodness, all three of my daughters are getting hitched at the same time,” exclaimed dad potato. “Who is your future husband?“

“Dan Rather,” said the youngest daughter potato.

A hush fell over the table. The parents and two older daughters looked awkwardly down at their plates.

“What’s wrong with Dan Rather?” asked the youngest daughter potato.

“Well, honey,” said the dad, “he’s just a common tater.”

5. Washing the dog:

Little Johnny went into the store, and after some searching around, he picked out a large box of laundry detergent.

Having observed Johnny for a few minutes, the store assistant asked him whether he had a lot of laundry to do.

“No,” said Johnny, “I’m not doing any laundry. I’m going to wash my little dog.”

The store assistant frowned at him and said, “Listen, sonny, that’s a powerful detergent and far too strong for washing a small dog. It could make him ill or perhaps even kill him if you’re not careful.”

Undeterred, Little Johnny said he’d take the detergent anyway, and then he paid the man and left the store.

A week later, Little Johnny was back in the store to buy a Hershey bar. The store assistant saw him and said, “Hey Johnny, how’s your little dog?”

“Oh, he died,” said Little Johnny.

“I’m sorry to hear that, son, but I did warn you about that detergent,” the store assistant replied.

“I don’t think it was the detergent,” said Little Johnny.

“Really?” said the store assistant. “So what was it then?”

“He looked like he was coping very well until the washing machine went into the spin cycle,” Little Johnny replied.

6. Man of the house:

Bill Smith was a hen-pecked husband who was tired of being bossed around by his domineering wife.

After giving it some thought, Bill decided to visit a psychiatrist for help.

The psychiatrist asked Bill a few questions and then said, “Mr Smith, you need to improve your self-esteem and become more assertive.”

“And how do I do that?” asked Bill.

“Read this book,” said the psychiatrist, “and use it as your guide.”

With that, the psychiatrist gave Bill his book on assertiveness.

Bill started reading the book on this way home, and he’d completed it by the time he reached his house.

Fizzing with ideas on how he could be more assertive, Bill stormed into the house and walked straight up to his wife.

“From now on,” said Bill, jabbing his finger at his wife, “I want you to know that I am the man of the house, and my word is law!”

His wife was momentarily speechless.

So, Bill continued, “I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterwards. You got that?”

A little surprised, his wife remained speechless but was growing increasingly irritated.

Bill carried on, “After dinner, I expect you to run a bath for me so that I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?“

Having regained her composure, Bill’s wife looked him in the eye with a steely glint and said, “A funeral director?“

7. Skydiving:

Jim was excited that he had finally achieved a long-held ambition to attend a skydiving course.

The instructor on the course had completed his presentation and was now ready for the question-and-answer session with his new students.

Naturally, Jim was enthusiastic and immediately raised his hand to indicate he had a question.

“Sir, you said our initial jump will be from 3,500 feet,” said Jim.

“That’s correct,” the instructor responded.

“So, can I ask,” Jim continued, “if my parachute fails to open, and my reserve chute also fails to deploy, how long would I have before I hit the ground?“

The instructor smiled at him and then said, “I’d say, you’d have the rest of your life, Jim.”

8. The confessional box:

Sean Murphy goes into the confessional box at St Patrick’s Church after many, many years of being away from his Catholic faith.

Sean pulls aside the curtain, enters the box and sits down.

He’s impressed. Things have improved since his last visit to church. There’s a fully equipped bar, as well as cigars and liqueur chocolates. On the wall, there are some fine photographs of some very nice-looking women.

He waits for a few minutes, and then he hears the priest enter.

“Forgive me, Father, but it’s been a very long time since I last attended confession,” says Sean. “And let me say, the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.“

“Get out, you idiot,” Father O’Riley replies. “You’re on my side!“

9. Government experts:

Once upon a time, there was a King who wanted to go fishing. So, he summoned the royal meteorologist and asked whether there would be any rain that day.

The meteorologist assured the King that there wouldn’t be any rain and that it would be a good day for him to go fishing with the Queen.

So, the King and Queen left the palace and made the journey down to the river.

On their way to the river, the King and Queen met a farmer with his donkey.

When he saw the Royal couple, the farmer said, “Your Majesties, I think you should return to the palace at once, there is going to be a lot of rain in a short time.”

The king was polite, and he appreciated that the farmer was well-intentioned. However, he replied: “I hold the royal meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated man and highly skilled in meteorology. I pay him high wages for his knowledge and skills, and he assured me there would be no rain. I trust him and I will continue on my way.”

“Very well,” the farmer responded, and he stood aside to let the King and Queen go on their way.

However, it wasn’t long before the heavens opened, and a torrential rainstorm ensued.

The King and Queen were soaked, and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a pitiful condition.

Naturally, the King was furious. He summoned the meteorologist and fired him on the spot.

The next day, he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious role of royal meteorologist.

The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I am a humble farmer. I know nothing about meteorology and weather forecasting. I get my information from my donkey. If I see his ears drooping, it means it will rain heavily.”

The King thought about the situation momentarily and then hired the donkey on the spot.

And so began the ancient practice of government hiring donkeys to work in the highest and most influential positions.

10. Personal hygiene:

Jake has just started a new job as a clerk in a department store, on the underwear counter.

On his first day, a man walks in and says, “Two pairs of underpants, please.”

Jake finds that a little strange and says, “Only two pairs of underpants, sir?“

“That’s right,” says the guy. “I wear one while the other pair is being washed.”

Jake looks on in disgust, but he completes the transaction, and the guy goes on his way.

Later that morning, another guy walks in and says, “Can I have five pairs of underwear, please?”

“Just five?” Jake queries.

“Yeah, that’s right,” says the guy. “I wear one pair every weekday, but at weekends I go commando.”

Jake shakes his head in amazement but then says, philosophically, “Well, at least that’s better than my last customer.” The transaction’s completed, and the guy goes on his way.

Before long, Jake has another customer.

The guy says, “Can I have seven pairs of underwear, please?“

Jake is impressed and exclaims, “Finally, a man with standards!”

“That’s right,” says the guy. “One for every day, and I do my laundry every Sunday.”

The transaction is completed after a brief exchange about hygiene, and the guy goes on his way.

Towards the end of the afternoon, in walks Bubba, the hillbilly.

“Can I have 12 pairs of underwear, please?” Bubba asks.

“Wow!” says Jake, “You’re even more hygienic than my last customer.”

“That’s right,” says Bubba. “I change my underwear every month, whether I need to or not, and I do my washing once a year.”

11. Misreading the signals:

Seamus walks into a Dublin bar and orders three pints of Guinness. When he’s been served, he sits at a table in the corner of the bar and proceeds to drink all three pints.

When he’s finished, he returns to the bar and orders three more pints.

The bartender says, “You know the Guinness starts going flat the minute it’s poured, so you’d be better off ordering them one at a time if you’re going to drink them.”

“Well now,” Seamus responds, “I have two brothers, one is in America and the other is in Australia. And I am here in Dublin. When we left home, we promised we would drink together in this way.”

“Aye, well that’s grand,” says the bartender, and he serves Seamus his drinks without another word.

Seamus followed this approach every day in the bar for months.

One day, though, Seamus walks in and orders only two pints.

Well, the bartender and all the regulars in the bar can’t help but notice, and the place falls silent.

When Seamus returns to the bar for another two pints, the bartender says, “Seamus, I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I just wanted to offer you my condolences on your loss.”

Seamus looks at him, a little confused momentarily, before the penny drops and he begins to laugh.

“Oh Jeez,” says Seamus. “Everyone’s grand! It’s just me. I decided to quit drinking!“

12. Guilty conscience:

Jim is standing in line in the supermarket, waiting to pay for his groceries.

As he stood there, he noticed a beautiful woman waving, smiling and saying hello to him.

Having beautiful women wave at him was not an experience with which he was familiar, and he’s not sure who she is, so he says, “I’m sorry mam, but do we know each other?”

The woman replies, “Well, I’m not completely sure, but I think you might be the father of one of my children!“

This throws Jim into a mild panic, as he wonders whether this could have been the result of that one-night stand he had during the drunken guys’ weekend in Vegas.

Eventually, Jim plucks up the courage to ask the question that was on his mind: “Did we meet at the blackjack table at the MGM Grand in Vegas?”

“No,” the woman replies, “I’m your son’s math teacher.”

13. The old folks’ home:

At the Happy Valley Nursing Home, a group of elderly folks are sitting around discussing their ailments.

“My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said Jim.

“Yes, I know,” said Betty. “My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee.“

“Well,” said Martha, “I couldn’t even mark an ‘X’ at election time, my hands are so crippled.”

“What’s that?” said Bert. “Speak up. I can’t hear you.”

“I can’t turn my head because I’ve got arthritis in my neck,” said Beryl,

They all nodded in recognition of Beryl’s problem.

“Well,” said Jack, “my blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!“

“I forget where I am, and where I’m going,” said Jeff, an octogenarian who looks even older than his years.

“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” said Mabel, philosophically, as she slowly shook her head.

They all nodded in agreement.

“Well, we should count our blessings,” said Albert, “at least, we can all still drive.“

14. Use what you’ve got:

Vic and Dave were best friends, and both were deaf. One morning, they’re chatting with sign language during their coffee break, having both been out late drinking the night before.

Laughing and joking about their late drinking session, Vic says to Dave, “Well, my wife, Jane, was fast asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed without any trouble.“

“Jeez,” said Dave, “you were lucky. My wife, Barbara, was wide awake, waiting up for me in bed. The minute I entered the bedroom, she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late.”

“Oh, buddy, that’s awful,” Vic responded. “So, what did you do?“

Dave smiled and then said, “I just turned out the bedroom light.”

15. The Repair:

Rick’s wife, Victoria, had a tear in her dress, and she took it to a dressmaker for repair.

Victoria asked Rick to collect it for her on his way home from work.

Rick did as requested and collected it, but he was in a hurry, so he didn’t have time to check it.

The following morning, Victoria had to leave early for a business trip, but she left Rick a message after discovering that the repair to her dress hadn’t been completed.

Rick read the message, and she’d wrote upon it, “Return to mender a dress unsewn.”

16. The refrigerator:

Physician Dr Davis is sitting in his surgery one morning when a patient arrives, complaining of severe back pain.

Dr Davis starts to examine his patient, and he asks him, “Can you tell me exactly what happened to your back, Mr Smith?“

Mr Smith replies, “Well, doctor, I work nights in a local night club. This morning, I got home early and could hear a noise in my bedroom.”

“Right,” Dr Davis responded, “but how did this affect your back?”

“Well, doctor,” Mr Smith continued, “when I entered the bedroom, I knew someone had been with my wife, as the balcony door was open.”

“I still don’t quite understand,” said Dr Davis.

“Well,” Mr Smith continued, “naturally, I rushed out onto the balcony, and as I looked down, I saw a man running, and he was dressing himself as he ran. So, I grabbed the refrigerator and threw it at him. And that’s how I strained my back.“

Not long after Mr Smith left Dr Davis’s surgery, a second patient arrived, looking like he’d just crawled out of a wrecked car.

“Well,” said Dr Davis, “my last patient looked bad, but you look terrible, Mr Jones. What has happened to you?“

“You won’t believe it, doctor,” said Mr Jones. “I was meant to be starting a new job today, having been unemployed for months. I overslept, and I was running out of the house, dressing as I went, trying to ensure I wasn’t late. Next minute, out of nowhere, a refrigerator lands on my head.”

Within seconds of Mr Jones leaving the doctor’s surgery, the third patient of the day walks in.

Mr Wilson is in an even worse state than the two previous patients, and he looked like he had fallen from a great height.

“Good morning, Mr Wilson,” said Dr Davis, a little shocked by what he saw before him. “What has happened to you?”

“Well, doctor,” Mr Wilson responded, “I was hiding in a refrigerator, and someone threw it from a 3^rd-floor balcony.”

17. The drunk and the Catholic priest:

A drunken man staggered onto a subway train and sat next to a Catholic priest.

The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes, the drunk turned to the priest and said, “Excuse me, Father, what causes arthritis?“

“My son,” the priest responded, “it’s caused by loose living, being with immoral women, drinking too much alcohol and having only contempt for your fellow man.”

“Really?” said the drunk. “Well, I’ll be damned!” He then returned to reading his newspaper.

Having thought about what he’d said and feeling guilty, the priest nudged the man and apologised. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so judgmental. How long have you had arthritis?“

“I don’t have it, Father,” the man responded. “I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

18. Dazed and confused:

Bill was working in his front garden one day when, suddenly, a car came crashing through his fence and ploughed into his front lawn.

Momentarily startled, Bill quickly gathered his composure and rushed to help the driver.

He could see that the driver was quite an elderly lady, so Bill helped her to get out of the car slowly and sat her down in a chair on his veranda.

“Forgive me, mam,” said Bill. “I don’t want to appear judgmental, but you look to be a little too old to be driving.“

“Well, I’ll be 95 next month,” said the old lady, “and I’ve now reached the age where I don’t even need a driver’s license anymore.“

“Really?” said Bill. “Why do you say that?“

“Well,” said the old lady, “when I had my physical recently, my doctor asked if I had a driver’s license.”

“Presumably, you told him you did?” Bill responded, quizzically.

“That’s right,” said the old lady, “and I handed it to him to prove it.”

“And what did he say?” asked Bill.

“He just took some scissors from a drawer,” the old lady responded, “then he cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, before saying, ‘You don’t need this anymore!”

“And what did you say?” asked Bill.

“Naturally, I thanked him for letting me know, and then I left,” said the old lady.

19. Reality check:

Jane, Jenny and Wilma were three friends whose lives were cut tragically short by a road traffic accident.

In the blink of an eye, they found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St Peter.

“Welcome to heaven, ladies,” said St Peter. “There is just one rule to remember. Please don’t step on any of the rabbits running around freely. You should be aware that there is a punishment for those who do.”

The three friends agreed they’d be careful, and with that, they walked through the Pearly Gates into the Kingdom of Heaven.

Sure enough, there were rabbits everywhere, as far as the eye could see.

However, they did their best to tread carefully and avoid these harmless creatures.

One day, the inevitable happened, and Jane, unfortunately, stepped on a rabbit.

Instantly, St Peter was standing in front of her.

“I’m sorry, Jane,” said St Peter. “I did warn you about stepping on rabbits.”

“I’m sorry, but it was an accident,” Jane responded.

“That may be true, but I must apply the penalty,” said St Peter.

With that, St Peter chained Jane to the ugliest man she had ever seen, and she was told that she was doomed to be bonded to this wretch for eternity.

Jenny and Wilma, having witnessed what happened, were now petrified of making the same mistake.

They took even greater care over the next several months, but eventually the inevitable happened again.

One day, while being distracted, Jenny stepped on a rabbit.

Again, justice was swift, and she found herself also bonded in perpetuity to the ugliest man you could imagine.

Well, Wilma, fearing the worst, took extra care from then on.

However, eventually she also stepped on a rabbit.

St Peter quickly appeared, and Wilma was immediately chained to a truly handsome man.

Wilma was puzzled and asked St Peter, “My friends stepped on rabbits, and they were punished by being bonded to hideous-looking men. I commit the same sin, but I get an Adonis. Why is that?”

The Adonis looked at her and said, “I stepped on a rabbit.”

20. The Budgie:

Geoffrey sees a budgie in the window of a pet store, and feeling a little sorry for the bird, he decides he’ll buy it.

However, he’s quickly disappointed when, despite his best efforts, he can’t get the budgie to talk.

So he decides to go back to the pet store to complain.

“I purchased this budgie a month ago now, but I can’t get him to utter a single word,” said Geoffrey to the store assistant.

“Try him with a mirror,” the store assistant suggested. “Budgies love to look at their reflection, and you’ll soon have him saying, “Who’s a pretty boy?”

So Geoffrey purchased a mirror from the store assistant and returned home with his budgie.

Once again, he was disappointed, as the budgie still wouldn’t talk.

So once again, Geoffrey went to the pet store to complain.

“Try him with a ladder”, said the store assistant. “Budgies love climbing, and I’m sure he won’t stop talking once he’s got a ladder.”

So Geoffrey purchased a little ladder from the store assistant and returned home with his budgie.

Yet again, not a word was spoken by the budgie, so a week later, Geoffrey was back in the pet store again with the budgie.

“Try getting him a bell,” said the store assistant. “The sound of a bell will encourage him to talk, I’m sure. At the very least, he’ll try to imitate the bell’s sound.”

So Geoffrey bought the bell and returned home only to be disappointed yet again.

Two weeks later, Geoffrey’s back in the pet store.

“How’s your budgie?” asked the store assistant. “Have you got it talking yet?”

“Finally, he did say something,” said Geoffrey. “He looked in the mirror, climbed the ladder, rang his bell, uttered a few words, and then dropped off his perch and died.”

“Oh dear!” said the store assistant. “What did he say?”

“He said, doesn’t that damn pet store sell birdseed?” Geoffrey responded.

21. Giving evidence:

A veteran police officer is giving evidence in court.

The defence attorney is cross-examining him during a felony trial.

Naturally, the lawyer is trying everything he can to undermine the police officer’s credibility.

“So, officer,” said the attorney, “did you see my client fleeing the scene?“

“No, sir,” said the police officer. “But later, I saw a person matching the description of the accused running several blocks away.”

“Is that so, officer?” said the attorney, looking towards the jury, “and who provided you with this description?“

“My colleague, who was the first responder to the scene,” said the officer.

“So, you’re telling me that a fellow officer provided you with the description of this so-called offender,” said the attorney. “And do you trust your fellow officers?“

“Of course,” said the officer. “I would trust him with my life.”

The attorney looked at the jury, again, then turned back to the officer and said, slowly, “You would trust him with your life?”

“Yes, sir,” said the officer.

The defence attorney paused momentarily and then said, “Let me ask you this, then, officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your duties?“

“Yes, sir, we do,” the police officer responded.

“And presumably you have a locker in that room?” the attorney continued.

“Yes, sir, I do,” said the officer.

“And do you lock away your possessions in that locker?” the attorney continued.

“Yes, sir, I do,” the officer continued.

“Now that’s interesting, said the attorney, once again looking towards the jury for dramatic effect.

“So,” the attorney continued, “you say you’d trust your fellow officers with your life, and yet you feel the need to lock away your possessions in a room you share with those officers.”

Again, the attorney allowed a momentary pause for effect before saying, “Why is that officer?”

The veteran police officer suppressed a smile before he said, “Well, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through our locker room.“

Moral of the Story: Don’t mess with veteran police officers. They’re sharp, they’ve heard it all before and they’re never short of a smart comeback line.

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