Witty One-liners

50 funny birthday wishes for friends cards and gifts

09/10/2025 by Roy Sutton

Dear reader, are you looking for some ideas for witty and funny birthday wishes for friends cards and gifts?

Well, here are 50 suggestions that might amuse you and help you produce a memorable gem to tease your best friend on his or her birthday card.

Everyone loves witty comments. So, you might love these funny birthday wishes for friends.

Enjoy them all.

And please feel free to pass them on.

Funny birthday wishes for friends (1-25)

Birthdays are just nature’s way of telling you to eat more cake.

May your hair dye and mascara never run! Happy Birthday, old girl!

I’m not obsessed with age but I really can’t believe how old you are.

Age is just a number. In your case a very large number, dear friend.

You’re as old as you are dear to me. And you’re very, very dear to me.

The mirror doesn’t lie, and at your age, you’re lucky it doesn’t laugh either.

Dearest friend, I hope you get 100 birthday cards today! To match your age!

I wouldn’t say you’re old but even Keith Richards looks younger than you.

Happy Birthday, friend! Age is not a big deal. Not to me but then I’m still young.

Best wishes to a dear friend, who can tell me when bread was only five cents a loaf.

Your birthday only comes once a year but the wrinkles it brings will last a lifetime.

When you’re as old as you, there’s always cosmetic surgery. It’ll be a big job though.

Looking at you fills me with hope, that one day I might live to be as old as you are today.

Best wishes to a woman who’s been thirty for more years than either of us can remember.

You’re as old as you feel, and I’m guessing you’re feeling very, very old today. Happy Birthday!

You’re how old? OMG, that’s dead in doggy years! Be glad you’re not a dog. Happy Birthday!

Today, girl, there are things we can all marvel at. Like the length of time that you’ve been on this planet. Truly amazing!

I looked at today’s date and I realized it was your birthday, dearest friend! Then I thought about the year you were born! I’m surprised you’re still mobile and have all your own teeth.

Today, dearest friend, you have made me so grateful for something … that I’m not as old as you!

Before there were maps, people used the stars to guide them. I’d love to hear your stories about the challenges of getting around when you were young. Happy Birthday!

Dearest friend, it’s so special to know someone who was around when the pyramids were being built. Happy Birthday!

As the years’ pass, you might ache a little more. But that’s only because you’re getting old! Happy Birthday.

As your friend, I’m here to remind you of things that are important in life. Like ‘Are you sure you’re putting away enough money for your retirement?’

Dearest friend, remember you should count your blessings, not your years. Well, you don’t really have enough time left to count all your years!

I know you’re downhearted about your age this year but worry not. Your best mate will be there to help you blow out all the candles on your cake, so you can feel like a kid again!

Funny birthday wishes for friends (26-50)

I wouldn’t call you ancient, but it’s a privilege to know someone who was involved with the construction of Stonehenge! Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to the woman who has it all! Hearing loss, cataracts, hypertension, back pain and osteoarthritis to name but a few. Still, it’s your birthday, so enjoy!

You’re a woman whose very presence makes others happy. Thanks for reminding us that we’re not as old as you. Happy Birthday!

Sometimes, I feel like you’ve been around forever! That’s probably because you have! Happy Birthday!

As someone who’s been around since before the age of electricity, you’ve kept yourself in good shape. Well, round is still a shape. Happy Birthday!

Everyone thinks you’re really young, dearest friend, but only because you lie about your age. Happy Birthday!

Here’s to the years that you’ve been alive; there’s been so many yet you still survive. Incredible, when you think about it.

On your birthday, people often will tell you that you’re still a young man. Don’t believe them, they’re liars!

Don’t think of yourself as old today. You just have a lot more experience of life than most people.

Your beard is grey and your hairline’s disappeared below the horizon but, on the upside, there’ll be cake today.

May your birthday be filled with joy and a glass or two of wine. Well, if there’s wine I’m sure that’ll be good enough

Best wishes to a woman who thinks she’s still young but isn’t. However your embrace of delusion is impressive.

Facing another birthday, you might fear becoming an old man. Well, you needn’t worry because you’ve been an old man for years now.

Happy Birthday to a man who has witnessed first-hand so many great things! Like the invention of the steam engine.

I was going to make a joke about your age, but that would be a bit cruel, wouldn’t it? Happy Birthday!

They say memory fades as you get older. So, I’m guessing now you probably don’t remember life as it was when dinosaurs roamed the earth.

Honey, today on your birthday you don’t need to lift a finger. Don’t worry about the messy house or the dishes. I don’t mind. You can deal with them tomorrow. Happy Birthday!

You never seem to age, so let me remind you how old you really are: you’re old enough to drink, young enough to get pregnant, and just the right age to make something of yourself. So by all means, hurry up before it’s too late! Oh, and many happy returns.

I’d have put candles on your cake but there would have been so many that the carbon footprint would have breached the UNFCCC Paris Climate Accord.

40’s the old age of youth and 50’s the youth of old age. However, I’ve no idea what your age represents.

Happy Birthday to you. I hope you enjoy your day as much as I’ll enjoy eating free cake and ice cream.

I’m not saying you’re old but the songs on your iPhone are too old even for the GOLDEN OLDIES station to play.

Happy Birthday to someone who’s getting more valuable and better with age. Oh wait-a-minute, that’s wine. Happy Birthday to someone who’s just getting old!

I know you’re not thirty, flirty and thriving but hey, you’re still driving! That’s not bad for someone of your age.

Happy Birthday to someone good looking, smart, charismatic, and charming. No hang on a minute, I meant from someone good looking, smart, charismatic, and charming.

So, there you have it, dear reader, some funny birthday wishes for friends.

Now, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If so, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. Please share this post now.

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33 witty one-liners that will really tickle you

09/10/2025 by Roy Sutton

Would you like a few witty one-liners to brighten your day, dear reader?

Well, I’ve got an excellent selection for you today.

Once again, I’ve been trawling my journals to assemble a collection of witty one-liners that I’m confident you’ll enjoy.

These have all been collected over time, and I can’t be sure who the originators were, so I can’t provide an acknowledgement on this occasion. However, if you have any ideas, please let me know.

In the meantime, enjoy them all, and please do share them with your friends.

Witty one-liners (1-11):

Bad puns? That’s how eye roll.
My patience has stretch marks.
If you need an ark, I Noah guy.
Is a Will defined as a dead giveaway?
Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers.
I used to be a banker but I lost interest.
The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
Geology rocks but geography is where it’s at!
Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives.
Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up.
How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!

Witty one-liners (12-22):

I make apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow.
I wanted to grow herbs but I couldn’t find the thyme.
Simba was walking too slowly so I told him to Mufasa.
I used to sell computer parts but then I lost my drive.
The only thing flat-earthers have to fear is sphere itself.
Gravity jokes are getting old but I fall for them every time.
Why couldn’t the chicken find her eggs? She’d mislaid them.
Do people who climb the world’s highest mountain ever rest?
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
I tried to make a belt out of watches but it was a waist of time.
If a priest blesses an avocado does it become Holy Guacamole?

Witty one-liners (23-33):

I used to be a transplant surgeon but my heart just wasn’t in it.
Mosquitoes are like family – annoying, but they carry your blood.
England doesn’t have a kidney bank but it does have a Liverpool.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.
I was going to look for my missing watch but I couldn’t find the time.
I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Why was the baseball player a bad sport? He stole third base and then went home!
BREAKING NEWS: Cheese factory explodes in France. Nothing left but de Brie!
Stalin should have known communism wouldn’t work. There were red flags everywhere.
I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare but he chewed it a lot. Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.
Someone sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Please share this post with your friends:

When you share, everyone wins.

So, please share it now. If you can do that for me, I’ll be forever grateful.

You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some more laughs, then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Your support is appreciated, dear reader. Thank you.

Articles you might enjoy:

Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, Brilliant one liner quotes, Clever one liners, fun, funny, Hilarious, humor, humour, Puns, quotes, witty one liners

33 Clever One-Liners Guaranteed to Make You Smile

09/10/2025 by Roy Sutton

I love funny and clever one-liners, and over time, I collect them in a journal. And when I’ve got enough, I like to share them with readers. Anything that makes readers smile always results in a great reaction.

So today I offer you my latest collection, which I think are all very clever one-liners.

Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to identify the original authors, so I must classify them all as Author Unknown.

However, I’d be happy to add acknowledgements to each quote if readers can enlighten me accordingly.

If you know who wrote them originally, please let me know.

I’m sharing these clever one-liners with you because I am confident they’ll make you smile, dear reader.

Certainly, they all made me smile, so I do hope you enjoy them too.

Clever One-liners (1-11):

My mind’s made up; don’t confuse me with facts.
Arguing with your wife is unwise. Even if you win you lose.
Education is important, but other stuff is more importanter.
Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.
You can’t make me do what you want me to do, you’re not my cat.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
I can keep secrets, of course. It’s the people I tell them to who can’t.
The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a couple of car payments.

Clever One-liners (12-22):

I’ve got a great pizza joke, but I warn you, it’s very cheesy.
My resolution was to read more, so I put the subtitles on my television.
I really hate it when people ask for likes on social media. Like if you agree!
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.
When I was at school 52% of the class was good at maths. I was one of the other 38%.
You know you’re fat when you step on a speak-your-weight scale and it says, “One at a time please!”
You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t return, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 siblings, but they didn’t know either.
If you take away looks, money, intelligence, charm, and success, there’s no difference between me and George Clooney.
I got called pretty yesterday, and it felt really good. Well, the full sentence was “You’re pretty annoying,” but I like to focus on the positive.

Clever One-liners (23-33):

I have a pen that can write underwater. It can write other words too!
I may be ugly now, but one day I’ll be rich enough for you to find me attractive.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but toucan play at that game.
Did you know that 50% of all doctors graduated in the bottom half of their class?
My buddies and I started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven’t gotten a gig yet.
I’m a great multitasker. I can procrastinate, fret, and worry about it all at the same time.
I told my plant about my problems; it said I needed to grow a spine. Talk about photosympathy!
I once entered a pun contest. I submitted ten puns, hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.
My memory is terrible. On the plus side, watching reruns on television is always a new experience.
When my suitcases realized there’d be no vacation this year, it left me dealing with emotional baggage.
I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I’ll be fine, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

Please share this post with your friends:

So did these clever one-liners prove to be as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh.

If so, then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read, then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for your support.

Articles you might enjoy:

Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, Black Humor, Clever one liners, fun, funny, Hilarious, humor, humour, jokes, Life, smile, Stress-free

25 amusing quotes about getting old to tickle you

09/09/2025 by Roy Sutton

Today I’ve curated some amusing quotes about getting old.

There are worse things than getting old. Not getting old, just being one of them. Nevertheless, being old is a tough gig. Like an old car, everything starts to wear out, and it all seems to happen at once. That’s life, unfortunately, and we have to get used to it.

The trick is to remain stupid and cheerful, and that way you’ll experience less stress. You can try smart and angry if you prefer, but I think you’ll find it doesn’t help improve anything.

One great way to remain cheerful is to read something amusing each day.

Which is why, today, I am offering you 25 amusing quotes about getting old to make you smile. Indeed, they all made me smile.

If you’re old, I’m sure some of them will resonate with you. If you’re not old, then enjoy your youth while you can. The years will pass in the blink of an eye.

Whatever your age, remember, you’ll never be as young again as you are today. And you’ll never have today again, either. So, you might as well enjoy it.

Amusing quotes about getting old:

Looking 50 is great if you’re 60. ~Joan Rivers
Age is a high price to pay for maturity. ~Tom Stoppard
No man is ever old enough to know better. ~Holbrook Jackson
Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician. ~Author Unknown
When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick. ~George Burns
A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams. ~John Barrymore
You’re only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. ~Ogden Nash
Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative. ~Maurice Chevalier
You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.” ~Jerry Seinfeld
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. ~Author Unknown
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. ~George Burns
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘“At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” ~Claude Pepper
You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. ~Bob Hope
He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money upfront. ~George Burns
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. ~Billy Crystal
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. ~Kurt Vonnegut
There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward. ~John Mortimer
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. ~Woody Allen
As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. ~Sir Norman Wisdom
I don’t do alcohol anymore. I can get the same effect just by standing up fast. ~Author Unknown
None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm. ~Henry David Thoreau
Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed, and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look, and pulled down the shade. ~Joan Rivers
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. ~Larry Lorenzoni
It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens. ~Woody Allen
If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself. ~Author Unknown

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21 very funny one-liners that are pure gold

09/08/2025 by Roy Sutton

Don’t you love people who are quick with a joke and are never short of a witty riposte or two when they need it? People who are quick with funny one-liners.

I think you have to admire a quick wit.

However, did you know that many so-called quick wits simply memorize a lot of witty stuff and create for themselves a mental ‘quiver full of arrows’ ready for use whenever necessary?

Well, if they can do that, then so can you.

All you need is a little ammunition to get started.

So here are some funny one-liners to get you going. See how many of them you can work into your day.

They all made me smile, and I hope they brighten your day, too. So give yourself a break for a few minutes and enjoy today’s smiles.

Funny one-liners:

If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving’s not for you.
Wear short sleeves! Support the right to bare arms!
How come we never see the headline, “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
42.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Borrow money from a pessimist; they don’t expect it back.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Get a new car for your spouse; it’ll be a great trade!
It is as bad as you think, and they are out to get you
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Support bacteria; they’re the only culture some people have.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What is a free gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Please share this post with your friends:

So, dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these funny one-liners made you smile, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Thank you for your support.

Articles you might enjoy:

Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: fun, funny, funny one-liners, humor, humour, Inspiration, Inspirational Quotes, Life, quotes, Wisdom, Wit, Witty

21 funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile

09/07/2025 by Roy Sutton

Here is another batch of funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile.

Once again, I’ve been searching for the best smiles I can find to brighten your day, dear reader. I’ve done the hard work, so you don’t have to.

So sit back, relax, and I hope you enjoy these funny one-liners just as much as I did.

And don’t forget your friends.

If you enjoy these smiles, then your friends will probably enjoy them too.

So pass them on, but not before you’ve enjoyed them yourself.

FUNNY ONE-LINERS GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SMILE

Funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile (1-10):

If you need an ark, I Noah guy.
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
Never give up on your dreams. Stay in bed and sleep on.
I wouldn’t say that my ceiling is the best, but it’s up there.
You must agree, the shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
Never tell your secrets in a cornfield. There are too many ears.
Why do bees hum? Because they can never remember the words.
Why are ghosts always bad liars? Because you can see right through them.
What would you call someone with just a nose and no body? Nobody knows.
My dog used to chase people on a bike. It got so bad, I had to take his bike away.

Funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile (11-21):

There’s a store on Main Street where you can get dead batteries free of charge.
I used to work as an origami teacher, but I hated it. There was too much paperwork.
I told my suitcase there will be no vacation this year. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.
I was amused to read the epitaph on the late dentist’s gravestone. It read “He’s now filling his last cavity.”
Why is everything delivered by ship called a cargo and yet if it’s delivered by a van, it’s called a shipment?
Our local farmer has started feeding his cows with bird seed. That would explain why the milk is going cheep.
My sister bet me $1,000,000 that I couldn’t make a car using spaghetti. Her face was a picture when I drove pasta.
A man delivers a load of bubble wrap. “Where do you want this, he asks?” “Oh, just pop it in the corner” was the reply.
Change your password to incorrect and then if you can’t quite remember it, your computer will say your password is incorrect.
They’ve just opened a new restaurant Downtown. It’s called Karma and they don’t have a menu. You just get what you deserve.
A police recruit was asked during his exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He answered, “Call for backup.”

Please share this post:

So did these funny one-liners prove to be as funny as you’d hoped dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read here then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

Articles you might enjoy:

Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, fun, funny, funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile, humor, humour, Influencers, Inspiration, jokes, Laugh, Life, LOL, Meaning, smile, Stress-free

33 very clever one-liners guaranteed to make you smile

09/06/2025 by Roy Sutton

I’m always impressed with very clever one-liners. I can’t resist those short, sharp, witty remarks that always make me smile. So naturally, I collect them, noting them down in my journal every day.

Today I thought I’d share some very clever one-liners I’ve heard recently. They’re all quite brilliant in my opinion.

So take a couple of minutes to enjoy them all.

Very clever one-liners (1-11):

How does NASA organise a party? They planet.
I used to be addicted to soap but I’m clean now.
I went on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. Never again.
Just received a card full of rice. It’s from Uncle Ben.
Exaggerations went up by one million per cent last year.
I’ve decided to sell my Hoover. It was just collecting dust.
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.
I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. No pun in 10 did.
Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.

Very clever one-liners (12-22):

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said “40”.
Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg?’ Because every play has a cast.
My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?” I said: “No it doesn’t!”
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed a little space.
I’ve found a job helping a one-armed typist do capital letters. It’s shift work.
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

Very clever one-liners (23-33):

What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going there.
I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said “Thanks!” I said, “Don’t mention it.”
Hear about the new restaurant called ‘Karma’? There’s no menu, you only get what you deserve.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. So I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” To which the doctor replied, “Sorry, I’m not following you.”
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? “Thanks! I’ll never part with it!”

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If you enjoyed these very clever one-liners, dear reader, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So, please share it now. If you can do that for me, I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day. Thank you.

If you fancy some more laughs, then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty more to make you smile.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

Articles you might enjoy:

Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, Brilliant one liner quotes, Clever one liners, fun, funny, Hilarious, humor, humour, Life, Meaning, quotes, very clever one-liners

27 witty one-liners so good you’ll laugh out loud

09/06/2025 by Roy Sutton

Now, do you fancy a bit of a laugh? A few witty one-liners, maybe?

Would you really like something to make you smile?

You’d love to have a laugh or two, but you don’t have the time to enjoy anything for too long, right?

Well, fear not. You must make at least a little time for a laugh. It will make you feel so much better.

Today, I offer you 27 witty one-liners that are guaranteed to make you smile.

They all made me smile, and I’m confident that some of them will brighten your day, too.

If you enjoy humor that’s concise and razor-sharp, then this collection of witty one-liners is just for you, dear reader.

So go on, take a minute or two, and have a good laugh right now. Enjoy them all.

Witty One-Liners (1-10):

I think the worst thing about driving a time machine will be your kids in the back always moaning, ‘Are we then yet?‘ ~Paul F Taylor
If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself. ~Ian Smith
I wanted to be a baker, but I never rose to the challenge. ~Author Unknown
I’m writing a book on reverse psychology. Please don’t read it. ~Author Unknown
Crime in multi-storey car parks? That’s wrong on so many different levels. ~Tim Vine
As a kid, I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog. ~Gary Delaney
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. ~Nick Helm
I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe

Witty One-Liners (11-20):

Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~Jordan Brookes
I was trying to write a novel about puns, but it just turned out to be a play on words. ~Author Unknown
I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia, and she whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’ ~Author Unknown
One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, ‘Ah well, you only live once.’ ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So, I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger. ~Nick Hall
If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late. ~Joel Dommett
People say I’ve got no willpower, but I’ve quit smoking loads of times. ~Kai Humphries
I tried to write a pun about the wind, but it just blew away. ~Author Unknown
My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought, ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be?‘ ~Paul McCaffrey
It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel

Witty One-Liners (21-27):

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: This could be interesting. ~Paddy Lennox
I used to be a baker, but I could never make enough dough. ~Author Unknown
Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache, and glasses, I think, There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him. ~Carey Marx
“What’s a couple?’ I asked my mom. She said, “Two or three.’ Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed. ~Josie Long
I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara. ~Olaf Falafel
Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge? ~Dan Antolpolski

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30 clever one-liners that are sharp and witty

08/30/2025 by Roy Sutton

Here are 30 clever one-liners you’ll just love. They’re all sharp and witty and guaranteed to amuse you.

Take a minute to enjoy them all.

And don’t forget to pass them on as well.

Clever one-liners (1-15):

I can handle pain until it hurts.
I would lose weight, but I hate losing.
Life is just a s*xually transmitted disease.
I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Only our parents’ children are always right.
It’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
No, I’m not lazy, I’m in energy-saving mode.
If you see a toilet in your dream, do not use it.
It’s only funny when it’s not happening to you.
Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.
How could I miss you when you won’t go away?
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can’t find it.
What happens if I get scared half to death twice?
The light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off.
How come creditors always have better memories than debtors?

Clever one-liners (16-30):

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
A lottery is just a tax on people who don’t understand math.
Life would be so much better if we could mute some people.
When I need an expert’s advice, I stand in front of the mirror.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. Some only gargle.
If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.
Some people lose their tempers just from seeing you keep yours.
Did the first person to hear a parrot speak need therapy afterwards?
There is a solution for when your hair starts falling out. Put it in a box.
Don’t you get tired of having to look after your parents’ grandchildren?
Drinking coffee before you start work helps your co-workers live longer.
Don’t you just hate how spiders sit there on your wall and act like they pay rent?
I’m not looking for a stable relationship, I’ll settle for a stable internet connection.
If a man speaks in a forest and there are no women there to hear him, is he still wrong?
People always say they don’t believe in ghosts until they hear a strange noise in the middle of the night.

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If any of these clever one-liners made you smile, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

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Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. Please share this post now.

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21 amusing one-liners guaranteed to make you smile

08/30/2025 by Roy Sutton

Do you enjoy a good one-liner, dear reader? You do? Then there are 21 amusing one-liners here that are guaranteed to make you smile.

They all made me smile, and I’m confident that at least a few of them will appeal to you, too.

So, grab a cup of coffee and take a few minutes to appreciate the art of the one-liner.

Then see if you can work any of these lines into your day.

And please, share them with your friends.

Amusing one-liners:

Velcro is such a rip-off.
Those who laugh last think slowest.
With money only too much is enough.
Your job is secure if no one else wants it.
Dropped toast always lands jam-side down.
Why is it that everyone my age is older than me?
Sarcasm is the body’s natural shield against stupidity.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Make love, not war. If you want to do both, get married.
There’s no such thing as arriving fashionably late in Crocs.
I used to have a bandwagon but people kept jumping on it.
Two French cheese trucks collided. De brie was everywhere.
Relationships are like algebra. You look at your X and ask Y.
You’re emotionally constipated if you haven’t given a shit for days.
I’ve thought of buying a burial plot but it’s really the last thing I need.
If the grass is greener on the other side then the water bill will be higher too.
Whoever said nothing’s impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.
Playing bridge is like sex. If you haven’t got a good partner you’ll need a good hand.
Before you question forward planning remember, it wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
I entered everything I’d eaten into my fitness app and immediately it sent an ambulance to my house.
Eat sensibly, exercise and don’t drink alcohol if you want to live long enough to spend your last few years in a care home.

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If it made you smile, then please share it with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So, please share them now.

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Thank you.

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Witty One-liners

Funny birthday wishes for friends (1-25)

Funny birthday wishes for friends (26-50)

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Witty one-liners (1-11):

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Witty one-liners (23-33):

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Clever One-liners (1-11):

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Amusing quotes about getting old:

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Funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile (1-10):

Funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile (11-21):

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Very clever one-liners (1-11):

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Very clever one-liners (23-33):

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Witty One-Liners (21-27):

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