Witty One-liners

19 Best Homer Simpson quotes that’ll make you smile

09/25/2025 by

Today, I am in search of the best Homer Simpson quotes.

And I think these have got to be 19 of the very best Homer Simpson quotes. I’m confident they’ll raise a smile or two with readers. Homer’s take on life is always witty and very funny.

I love The Simpsons, and, in particular, Homer Simpson’s philosophy on life never fails to get me laughing out loud. So today I thought it would be fun to take a look back at some of his most memorable quotes.

If you are a fan of The Simpsons, I’m sure you will enjoy revisiting Homer’s words of wisdom.

Enjoy them all.

Best Homer Simpson quotes
Image by Alan Nakkash
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Best Homer Simpson quotes:

  1. Trying is the first step toward failure.
  2. Operator! Give me the number for 911!
  3. If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead?
  4. I never apologize. I’m sorry, but that’s the way I am.
  5. Marge, you know it’s rude to talk when my mouth is full.
  6. Stupidity got us into this mess, and stupidity will get us out.
  7. If I could say a few words, I would be a better public speaker.
  8. Kids, just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I’m not listening.
  9. I’ll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
  10. The problem in the world today is communication; too much communication.
  11. It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
  12. I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.
  13. If God didn’t want me to eat chicken in church, then he would have made gluttony a sin.
  14. I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
  15. Volunteering is for suckers. Did you know that volunteers don’t even get paid for the stuff they do?
  16. Weaseling out of things is important to learn; it’s what separates us from the animals; except the weasel.
  17. Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate, and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves.
  18. Marge, try to understand. There are two types of college students, jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time.
  19. I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

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You do? I hope so anyway.

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55 funny quotes about money to make you smile

09/23/2025 by

Today, I am exploring funny quotes about money.

Money, that’s what I want! And so does everyone else.

It’s a modern obsession. We like to think that it doesn’t matter, but it does. We cannot get far without at least some of it in the modern world.

We all talk about money, and we’re constantly chasing value for money. This is natural, of course, because our lifestyle, such as it is, depends on the money we have and the money we earn.

However, there’s a slightly absurd and amusing side to it all, too. So I thought I’d search out some quotes to explore the funny side of money.

Here are 55 funny quotes about money that made me smile, and I hope they brighten your day too.

Funny quotes about money (1-20):

A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore. ~Yogi Berra

A Nillionaire is someone with no money. ~Author Unknown

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons. ~Douglas Adams

The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money. ~IRS auditor

What’s worth doing is worth doing for money. ~Michael Douglas

I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. Rich is better. ~Sophie Tucker

A fool and his money are soon invited everywhere. ~Warren Buffett

My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. ~Author Unknown

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? ~John Barrymore

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. ~Oscar Wilde

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy. ~Spike Milligan

The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money. ~Author Unknown

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop ~Gertrude Stein

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due. ~Author Unknown

People don’t turn down money! It’s what separates us from the animals. ~Jerry Seinfeld

They say money talks and perhaps it does, but mine just says goodbye. ~Author Unknown

I’d like to live like a poor man, only with lots of money. ~Pablo Picasso

I wish my bank account was refilled as quickly as my laundry basket does. ~Every mom on the planet

Due to recent budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. ~Author Unknown

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. ~Will Rogers

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Funny quotes about money (21-40):

I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention. ~Ron Kittle

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. ~W.C. Fields

His money is twice tainted: taint yours and taint mine. ~Mark Twain

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. ~Woody Allen

Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can pay for plastic surgery. ~Joan Rivers

We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules. ~Buzzie Bavasi

Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children. ~J. Paul Getty

I’m stuck between “I need to save money” and “You only live once.”   ~Author Unknown

Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail. ~Kinky Friedman

I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries. ~Jules Renard

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something. ~Jackie Mason

I was so poor growing up, if I wasn’t a boy, I’d have nothing to play with. ~Rodney Dangerfield

I have done some terrible things for money, like getting up early and going to work. ~Author Unknown

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. ~Author Unknown

I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died. ~Malcolm Forbes

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. ~Groucho Marx

If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem. ~J. Paul Getty

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. ~Lana Turner

If you’re given a choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal. ~Katharine Hepburn

Another good thing about being poor is that when you’re 70, your children will not have you declared legally insane to gain control of your estate. ~Woody Allen

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Funny quotes about money (41-55):

A salary is a drug they give you to forget your dreams. ~Kevin O’Leary

If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars. ~J. Paul Getty

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need if I die by four o’clock. ~Henny Youngman

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. ~Earl Wilson

When a fellow says, “It ain’t the money, but the principle of the thing,” it’s the money. ~Kin Hubbard

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. ~Jackie Mason

If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stocks, not selling advice. ~Norman R. Augustine

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. ~Woody Allen

Money may not buy happiness but if you’re going to cry, it’s better to do it in a Mercedes or BMW. ~Author Unknown

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. ~Groucho Marx

Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale. ~Zig Ziglar

I want to get to a point in my life, financially where adding guacamole to my burrito isn’t a big decision. ~Author Unknown

Too many people spend money they haven’t earned to buy things they don’t want to impress people they don’t like. ~Will Rogers

Money doesn’t make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million. ~Arnold Schwarzenegger

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s in the sale. ~Author Unknown

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21 Del Boy quotes for fans of Only Fools and Horses

09/23/2025 by

Fans of the British television sitcom Only Fools and Horses really do love its lead character, the irrepressible Derek ‘Del Boy’ Trotter, played by the brilliant actor David Jason. So today I’ve put together a series of some memorable Del Boy quotes that I’m confident fans will love.

If you’re not familiar with the sitcom Only Fools and Horses, I can recommend the many clips you’ll find on YouTube. They’re all very funny.

So take a look at them all when you can, but not before you’ve taken a few minutes to enjoy all these memorable Del Boy quotes first. If you’re a loyal fan, you’ll love them all, I’m sure.

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Del Boy Quotes:

  1. You plonker, Rodney!
  2. Lovely jubbly!
  3. He who dares wins!
  4. You know it makes sense.
  5. I’m a black belt in origami.
  6. This time next year we’ll be millionaires!
  7. They’re yuppies. They don’t speak proper English like what we do.
  8. Rodney, everything between you and I is split straight down the middle: 60-40.
  9. It’s a well-known fact that 90 per cent of all foreign tourists come from abroad.
  10. You can’t trust the Old Bill, can ya? Look at that time they planted six gas cookers in my bedroom.
  11. You’ve always been the same, even at school. Nothing but books, learning, education. That’s why you’re no good at snooker.
  12. As Macbeth said to Hamlet in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, ‘We’ve been done up like a couple of kippers.’
  13. Asking a Trotter if he knows anything about chandeliers is like asking Mr Kipling if he knows anything about cakes.
  14. Not only have you managed to sink every battleship and aircraft carrier that you’ve ever sailed on, but now you’ve gone and knackered a gravy boat.
  15. There’s no point in running away. Running away only wears out your shoes.
  16. She used to say, ‘It’s better to know you’ve lost than not to know you’ve won.’ Dear old Mum, she used to say some bloody stupid things.
  17. One of my most favourites meals is Duck à l’Orange, but I don’t know how to say that in French.
  18. If you had been in charge of The Last Supper it would have been a takeaway.
  19. I got a Persian rug with more food on it than a menu.
  20. It’s the toughest chicken I’ve ever known. It’s asked me for a fight in the car park twice.
  21. No chance of this happening with Rodney, is there? World War Three! This plonker can’t even get Channel Three!

Del Boy Quotes French:

Fans of this series will know that some of Del Boy’s most memorable quotes are his attempts to display his mastery of the French language. Needless to say, he had no mastery of French, but his attempts at it were very funny.

So here are six of Del Boy’s best French phrases with a note on what he actually meant when he used them:-

  1. Pot Pourri! (By which Del Boy meant: ‘I don’t believe it!’)
  2. Au contraire! (By which Del Boy meant: ‘Hang on a minute!)
  3. Bain-marie! (By which Del Boy meant: ‘No problem!)
  4. Bonnet de douche! (By which Del Boy meant: Excellent!)
  5. Chateauneuf du Pape! (By which Del Boy meant: ‘It’s all gone crazy!’)
  6. Creme de la Menthe! (By which Del Boy meant: ‘The very best.’)

Honourable Mentions:

Whilst this post was intended to pay tribute to Del Boy and his many memorable lines in the show, I think it would be remiss of me not to include some honourable mentions of classic lines from other characters.

So here are three that make me smile every time I hear them:-

  1. He died a couple of years before I was born. ~Colin ‘Trigger’ Ball talking about his father.
  2. We might go out, get to know each other a bit, you know. Might like each other, then who knows? In time maybe she might do some ironing for me. ~Denzil Tulser talking about a potential date.
  3. Derek, will you get it into your thick skull, I’m not trying to meet intelligent and sensitive people, I’m happy with you. ~Raquel Turner, in reference to Del Boy’s jealous nature.
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You did? I hope so anyway.

If you enjoyed them, please share this post with your friends on social media because when you share, everyone wins.

So please share this post now. If you can do that for me then I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience and that will be your good deed for the day.

Thank you.

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25 contenders for the best one-liners of all time

09/23/2025 by

Do you enjoy a witty one-liner, dear reader? Well, I’ve been searching for some contenders for the best one-liners of all time.

Today I’ve put together a batch of 25, that I hope you’ll enjoy.

They all made me smile, and I hope they’ll make you smile too.

So take a moment to enjoy them, and then please pass them on.

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Best one-liners of all time (1-15):

  1. I’m not fat. I’m just easier to see.
  2. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
  3. Becoming a vegan is a big missed steak.
  4. My boss said, have a good day. So I went home.
  5. A clean desk is a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
  6. For maximum attention, nothing beats saying something stupid.
  7. I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
  8. Why is it that everyone seems normal until you get to know them?
  9. How is it that I always seem to buy plants without the will to live?
  10. The importance of teamwork is that there’s always someone else to blame.
  11. We must support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
  12. One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
  13. Why do we refer to the day we do all our household chores as a day off?
  14. The other man’s grass may be greener, but at least you don’t have to mow it.
  15. If we’re not supposed to eat at night, why’s there a light in the refrigerator?

Best one-liners of all time (16-25):

  1. Wise people learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us are the others.
  2. Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realising that the other person’s an idiot.
  3. An optimist believes that the world couldn’t be better. A pessimist is afraid that might be true.
  4. It’s funny when someone says we need to talk, but what they mean is, you need to listen.
  5. Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men actually spend thinking.
  6. Living in the 21st century is a bizarre experience. Our priority now is deleting history rather than making it.
  7. Life’s all about perspective. For instance, the sinking of the Titanic seemed like a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.
  8. We all live by the 50-50-90 rule. Anytime we have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability that we’ll get it wrong.
  9. My boss asked whether it was me or him who was stupid. I responded diplomatically that everyone knows he has a reputation for never hiring stupid people.
  10. Before I criticize anyone, I always walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when I’ve criticized them, I’m a mile away, and they can’t chase me because I’ve got their shoes.
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So dear reader, are the witticisms on offer today some contenders for the best one-liners of all time?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read in this post then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. So please, share it now.

Thank you.

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15 amusing quotes by Mae West to make you smile

09/23/2025 by

Today I am exploring amusing quotes by Mae West.

Mae West was one of the most controversial movie stars of her day, making comedy out of the prudish, conventional mores of her era. And those Depression-era audiences loved her for it.

Born Mary Jane West in Brooklyn, New York, in 1893, she was an actress, singer, playwright, screenwriter, comedian, and s*x symbol whose entertainment career spanned seven decades.

Some might dismiss her for her lighthearted, bawdy double entendres and breezy s*xual independence, but she knew what she was doing, and she was clearly astute.

She was a woman who lived life on her own terms, and in that sense, she was way ahead of her time.

Asked about the various efforts to impede her career, Mae West replied, “I believe in censorship. I made a fortune out of it.”

Here are 15 quotes by Mae West, many of which I’m sure will make you smile.

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Quotes by Mae West:

  1. A dame that knows the ropes isn’t likely to get tied up. ~Mae West
  2. I used to be Snow White but I drifted. ~Mae West
  3. Too much of a good thing can be wonderful. ~Mae West
  4. To err is human but it feels divine. ~Mae West
  5. I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it. ~Mae West
  6. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. ~Mae West
  7. You only live once but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
  8. Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. ~Mae West
  9. I never loved another person the way I loved myself. ~Mae West
  10. He who hesitates is a damned fool. ~Mae West
  11. Virtue has its own reward, but no sale at the box office. ~Mae West
  12. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. ~Mae West
  13. When I’m good, I’m very good but when I’m bad I’m better. ~Mae West
  14. I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure. ~Mae West
  15. Marriage is a great institution but I’m not ready for an institution. ~Mae West
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25 corny puns that’ll make you smile or make you cringe

09/22/2025 by

Do you like corny puns, dear reader? I hope so, because I’ve pulled together 25 of them for you. They’ll make you smile or make you cringe, but either way, I’m sure you’ll appreciate the clever wordplay.

So sit back and take a few minutes to enjoy them all.

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Corny Puns:

  1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
  2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
  3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
  4. Why do bees stay in their hives during the winter? Swarm.
  5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
  6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
  7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
  8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
  9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
  10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
  11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
  12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
  13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
  14. Why is ‘dark’ spelt with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
  15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
  16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
  17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
  18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
  19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
  20. I’m trying to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
  21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
  22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
  23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
  24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
  25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

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29 clever puns that’ll make you smile

09/22/2025 by

If you love clever puns, then you’ve come to the right place, dear reader. I’ve put together a collection of 29 witty one-line puns that will make you smile, at least a little.

Certainly, they all made me smile, and I’m confident that you’ll enjoy them too.

So sit back and take a few moments to enjoy them all. And then pass them on to your friends and colleagues.

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Clever puns:

  1. With great reflexes comes great response-ability.
  2. What do you do with chemists when they die? Barium!
  3. How do construction workers party? They raise the roof.
  4. An expensive laxative will give you a run for your money.
  5. I have a broken barometer that I need to sell. No pressure.
  6. Nuns wear the same outfit every day. Must be a habit, I guess.
  7. I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
  8. I can only remember 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
  9. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay. He woke up!
  10. If it’s cold, stay close to others. Otherwise, you might feel a bit ice-olated.
  11. I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night. I should have put it on aloha setting.
  12. Why was it so hot in the stadium after the baseball game? All the fans left!
  13. I’m not sure if my ceiling is the best in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
  14. You’ll never guess who I bumped into on the way to the opticians! Everyone.
  15. To whoever stole my broken bathroom scales, you’ll never get a weigh with it.
  16. Have you ever tried blindfolded archery? You don’t know what you’re missing.
  17. I lift weights only on Saturday and Sunday because Monday to Friday are weak days.
  18. Why are fish the easiest animals to weigh? Because they come with their own scales.
  19. I started a business selling yachts in my attic. Sails have gone through the roof.
  20. I wouldn’t let my children go to see the orchestra. There’s too much sax and violins.
  21. I told my wife I felt like a deck of cards and she said she’d deal with me later.
  22. I have a weird talent where I can tell what’s inside a wrapped present. It’s a gift.
  23. Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail? She got a full sentence.
  24. The Pentagon was originally going to be a square, but the contractor kept cutting corners.
  25. What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up? The mean increases.
  26. I’m a perfectionist with a procrastinator complex. Someday I’m going to be awesome.
  27. My partner’s name is David, so we named our son Harley. This way he’s Harley, David’s son.
  28. I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
  29. Did you hear about the thieves who robbed a theatre during a performance? They stole the spotlight.

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25 funny witty quotes that will seriously tickle you

09/21/2025 by

I always get the best reaction with blog posts that are full of content to make you smile. And funny witty quotes are particularly popular with readers.

With that in mind, I’ve been trawling my journals looking for funny witty quotes which I’ve noted for posterity, and that I hope you’ll enjoy now, dear reader.

So, here are 25 funny witty quotes that I’m confident will tickle you. Indeed, they tickled me and made me smile.

They’re all by Authors Unknown, but they’re razor-sharp and funny nevertheless.

So go on, take a few minutes right now to have a laugh and enjoy them all.

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Funny Witty Quotes:

  1. ‘Be yourself is the worst piece of advice you can give to some people.
  2. Some people just need a sympathetic pat on the head, with a hammer.
  3. HIM: How is it your single? HER: Surely you mean you’re?
  4. Arguing with a fool serves only to prove that there are two.
  5. Only dead fish go with the flow.
  6. The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t hold this much personality.
  7. Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight you’re drunk.
  8. There are only two rules in life. No 1: Never ever give out all the information.
  9. You never realize how weird you are until you have a kid who acts just like you.
  10. If you have nothing to be grateful for, check your pulse.
  11. Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions. Chocolate understands.
  12. I’ve learned so much from my mistakes I’m thinking of making a few more.
  13. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
  14. We mature with damage, not with years.
  15. Life is short. So smile while you still have teeth.
  16. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
  17. Sarcasm is not an attitude. It’s an art.
  18. I have an irrational fear of wasting a good outfit on an insignificant day.
  19. Whoever said that nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.
  20. The only time a woman is helpless is when her nail polish is drying. Otherwise, watch out.
  21. The first thing you lose on a diet is your sense of humour.
  22. Everyone has the right to be stupid but you’re abusing the privilege.
  23. If you don’t like the way I drive then stay off the sidewalk.
  24. If at first, you don’t succeed then skydiving’s not for you.
  25. 129% of people exaggerate.

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So did these funny witty quotes amuse you, dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

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It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. Thank you.

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25 quotes from Friends guaranteed to amuse you

09/20/2025 by

Today I am exploring quotes from Friends. Remember those days when we got to enjoy the witty banter in Central Perk, and we all wished we could be part of their gang?

It was definitely one of my favourite shows and I’ve watched every episode of every season.

So, I offer you 25 quotes from Friends that I hope you will enjoy.

And, if you do, feel free to share them with your friends.

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25 Quotes from Friends:

  1. “I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
    — Chandler Bing
  2. “It’s a moo point. It’s like a cow’s opinion. It doesn’t matter. It’s moo.”
    — Joey Tribbiani
  3. “Could I be wearing any more clothes?”
    — Joey (doing Chandler)
  4. “I say more dumb things before 9 a.m. than most people say all day.”
    — Chandler Bing
  5. “I’m sorry I was so hard on you before… and I’m sorry I called you ‘a big dull dud’.”
    — Phoebe Buffay
  6. “You can’t just give up! Is that what a dinosaur would do?”
    — Joey Tribbiani (to Ross)
  7. “Oh, I wish I could, but I don’t want to.”
    — Phoebe Buffay
  8. “You have to stop the Q-tip when there’s resistance!”
    — Chandler Bing
  9. “You hung up on the pizza place? I don’t hang up on your friends!”
    — Joey Tribbiani
  10. “They don’t know that we know they know we know!”
    — Phoebe Buffay
  11. “I got off the plane.”
    — Rachel Green (a sweet zinger)
  12. “Ross, just because you have a PhD doesn’t mean you’re not an idiot.”
    — Phoebe Buffay
  13. “I’m hopeless and awkward and desperate for love!“
    — Chandler Bing
  14. “You throw your sandwich away… that is a perfectly good sandwich!”
    — Joey Tribbiani
  15. “I don’t even have a ‘pla’.”
    — Phoebe Buffay (when talking about plans)
  16. “I don’t share food!”
    — Joey Tribbiani
  17. “You are over me? When were you… under me?”
    — Ross Geller
  18. “You fell asleep? You fell asleep?! That’s worse than forgetting!”
    — Rachel Green
  19. “That’s not even a word!”
    — Ross Geller (correcting Joey’s use of “supposably”)
  20. “It’s always better to lie than to have the complicated discussion.”
    — Chandler Bing
  21. “I’m Chandler. I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable.”
    — Rachel mocking Chandler
  22. “Your money’s mine, Green!”
    — Monica Geller (during poker night)
  23. “It tastes like feet!”
    — Ross Geller (about Rachel’s trifle)
  24. “The fridge broke, so I had to eat everything.”
    — Joey Tribbiani
  25. “I’m a gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I’ve missed the last … twelve hundred times.”
    — Chandler Bing

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So, please share it now. If you can do that for me, I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some more laughs, then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you.

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Affiliate Disclosure: This site is an affiliate of Expedia and related companies. This means that if you click on the link and make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you. I only recommend products or services that I think will be valuable to you. Any commissions earned help support the cost of content creation and publishing.

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25 quotes from Seinfeld show guaranteed to make you smile

09/19/2025 by

Today I’m looking back at some memorable quotes from Seinfeld show.

One of the best sitcoms of all time for me was the Seinfeld show. It was a masterclass of petty sarcasm and social absurdity. I’ve seen every episode of every season multiple times, and they still make me smile.

So, take a few moments to enjoy these little zingers.

And, please, feel free to share them.

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25 Quotes from Seinfeld Show:

  1. “No soup for you!”
    — The Soup N*zi
  2. “I’m speechless. I am without speech.”
    — George Costanza
  3. “You double-dipped the chip!”
    — Timmy (George’s chip scandal)
  4. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that!”
    — Jerry (recurring)
  5. “Serenity now!”
    — Frank Costanza
  6. “I don’t trust men in capes.”
    — Jerry Seinfeld
  7. “Yada yada yada…”
    — Elaine Benes
  8. “Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia?”
    — George Costanza
  9. “Maybe the dingo ate your baby.”
    — Elaine Benes
  10. “You had s*x with the cleaning lady on your desk?”
    — Jerry Seinfeld
  11. “You’re so good looking!”
    — Jerry (after sneezing joke)
  12. “These pretzels are making me thirsty!”
    — Kramer (and everyone else)
  13. “I was in the pool!”
    — George Costanza
  14. “She had man hands.”
    — Jerry Seinfeld
  15. “I’m not the one going to hell.”
    — David Puddy
  16. “You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister!”
    — Kramer (via Elaine’s dad)
  17. “I’m out.”
    — Jerry (from The Contest)
  18. “She’s a two-face!”
    — Jerry, describing the lighting-dependent date
  19. “A Festivus for the rest of us!”
    — Frank Costanza
  20. “The sea was angry that day, my friends.”
    — George Costanza
  21. “He took it out.”
    — Elaine (referring to a guy’s move mid-date)
  22. “You know how to take the reservation; you just don’t know how to hold the reservation.”
    — Jerry Seinfeld
  23. “A George divided against itself cannot stand!”
    — George (about worlds colliding)
  24. “Jerry, just remember: it’s not a lie if you believe it.”
    — George Costanza
  25. “I don’t wanna be a pirate!”
    — Jerry Seinfeld

Please share this post with your friends:

If you enjoyed this post, dear reader, then please share it with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So, please share it now. If you can do that for me, I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some more laughs, then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you.

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Affiliate Disclosure: This site is an affiliate of Expedia and related companies. This means that if you click on the link and make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you. I only recommend products or services that I think will be valuable to you. Any commissions earned help support the cost of content creation and publishing.

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© Mann Island Media Limited 2025. All rights reserved.

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