12 of the funniest jokes you’ll read today


Laughter is the best medicine, or so they say. Well I agree with them, whoever they are. We all need a smile or two occasionally. We all need a good laugh. It helps us relax and it relieves stress too. It also reminds us not to take ourselves too seriously. Much as we like to think we’re important, actually we’re no more important than anyone else.

So relax for five minutes because I’m offering you 12 of the funniest jokes in two lines each. These are jokes that will have you howling with laughter. And they’re jokes you’ll want to share with your friends.

Jokes cheer us up and they will cheer your friends up too. So go on, share them but not before you’ve taken five minutes to enjoy them yourself.

Let me also say that these are jokes that I’ve stumbled upon in various places, so I cannot claim credit for them. However I wasn’t able to identify the original authors either. Should you be the author of any of these jokes, or should you know the original author then please let me know. I would welcome the opportunity to add appropriate credits and links to acknowledge the authors.

In the meantime, enjoy them all!

Today’s Jokes:

  • You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving
  • You need a parachute to go skydiving twice

 

  • Parallel lines have so much in common
  • It’s a shame they’ll never meet

 

  • Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make
  • Then they call me ugly and poor

 

  • Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re going to pay
  • You have my Word

 

  • I went to an emotional wedding the other day
  • Even the cake was in tiers

 

  • Someone stole my mood ring
  • I don’t know how I feel about that

 

  • I tried to catch fog yesterday
  • Mist

 

  • Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
  • If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan

 

  • I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrow too high
  • She looked surprised

 

  • I threw a boomerang a few years ago
  • I now live in constant fear

 

  • A guy shows up late for work. His boss yells, “You should’ve been here at 8.30!”
  • The guy replies, “Why? What happened at 8.30?

 

  • To people who say, “My dog is my best friend.”
  • I say, “Your dog may be your best friend but will it pick you up at the airport? I think not.”

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If you see a chance, take it

If you want a guarantee buy a toaster. ~Clint Eastwood

There are no guarantees in life. You can’t be certain of anything, other than death and taxes perhaps.

However that’s not a reason for not trying.

You have to try and you have to work at it, whatever it is. If you don’t try you cannot possibly succeed, whereas if you do try then you just might.

As long as there’s a chance then it’s worth having a go.

Success makes you feel ten feet tall, so it’s always worth going for it.

And if you fail then at least you’ll learn some valuable lessons and give yourself a better chance to succeed next time around.

Chase success by all means but don’t expect any certainties. Just enjoy whatever comes your way.

You’ll gain whatever happens, providing you have a go. Not trying is the way to being a loser.

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When talent matters and when it doesn’t

Potential counts for nothing if it remains unfulfilled. ~Roy Sutton

You can have an enormous amount of talent but so what? It’s not what you have it’s what you do with what you have. If you don’t put your God-given talent to good use then it is simply wasted on you.

Those things at which you are truly exceptional are the basis on which you can really make your mark on life, or not.

It’s your choice. Live your life and make the best use of your talent and intellect or don’t bother.

The world won’t notice if you decide to waste your talent. Your loved ones might notice but the world will carry on regardless.

However use your talent, put it to good use, and the world will notice you.

It will require discipline and dedication of course and a desire to master your craft, whatever that may be.

Still it will be worth it to be recognised as someone who made the best use of what they had and made a difference.

The world doesn’t have enough talented people, so don’t waste yours. Go out there and be the best.

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Can there be a better feeling than winning?

There’s nothing like winning. ~Tony Adams

Can there be a better feeling than winning?

That feeling you get when you experience real success. It makes you feel ten feet tall.

Maybe you have yet to have that experience. If so, don’t give up. It really is worth the effort, believe me.

You can only truly know how it feels when you get there. But if you get there once, you will want to go back there again and again and again.

So go on, become a legend in your own right.

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21 thought-provoking quotes about moving on

Every ending is a new beginning. When one chapter ends, we turn the page and there’s a whole new chapter to explore.

Life is just a series of chapters and not everyone or everything has a place in every chapter. Your story will have many twists and turns before it reaches its conclusion.

It’s easy to feel attached emotionally to the past but we can’t live life through the rear view mirror. We must be positive and embrace the future.

It may move us out of our comfort zone but it’s in that space we’ll grow.

A sentimental longing for people, places and things is quite natural. However life is for living. And if we’re to live life to the full we must look ahead and keep moving forward.

So here are 21 thought-provoking quotes about moving on to inspire you.

Having the courage to draw a line under an event or a relationship, or any other life-changing experiences, is essential if we are to become all we could be.

When things end, life doesn’t end. Life goes on and what’s gone is in the past. So leave it there and look forward to the future.

And you can always keep in mind some of these quotes about moving on.

Quotes about moving on:

  1. To help yourself you must be yourself. Be the best that you can be. When you make a mistake, learn from it, pick yourself up and move on. ~Dave Pelzer
  2. Every day is a new day, and you’ll never be able to find happiness if you don’t move on. ~Carrie Underwood
  3. Who can’t relate to the idea of leaving one chapter behind and moving on to the next? ~Mike Shinoda
  4. You just keep moving forward and doing what you do and hope that it resonates with people. And if it doesn’t, you just keep moving on until you find a project that does. ~Octavia Spencer
  5. In my life, I have made the occasional catastrophic choice, and it’s just a case of moving on and learning from it. ~James Nesbitt
  6. I can enjoy anywhere, and I can leave it. Life is about moving on. ~Waris Dirie
  7. Moving on is not closure. It’s not neat, and it’s not about turning the page. It is about moving on, but it doesn’t mean that you’ve left something behind. ~Thomas Gibson
  8. I tell you the past is a bucket of ashes, so live not in your yesterdays, not just for tomorrow, but in the here and now. Keep moving and forget the post mortems; and remember, no one can get the jump on the future. ~Carl Sandburg
  9. There’s always something to suggest that you’ll never be who you wanted to be. Your choice is to take it or keep on moving. ~Phylicia Rashad
  10. I’m moving on. I should have made that clear when I made the announcement. I guess I wasn’t clear. If people think you’re leaving a show after all these years, you might be retiring. So I understand where they’re coming from, but I should have impressed the fact that I hope I’m just moving on right now. ~Regis Philbin
  11. I can relate to having those people in your life that you feel are moving on to this great, big, normal life and you’re like, ‘What’s wrong with me?’ ~Kristen Wiig
  12. Man maintains his balance, poise, and sense of security only as he is moving forward. ~Maxwell Maltz
  13. I think it’s important to have closure in any relationship that ends – from a romantic relationship to a friendship. You should always have a sense of clarity at the end and know why it began and why it ended. You need that in your life to move cleanly into your next phase. ~Jennifer Aniston
  14. I love being on the road. I love that lifestyle, traveling city to city, rocking out and moving on to the next place. ~Caleb Johnson
  15. The art of war is simple enough. Find out where your enemy is. Get at him as soon as you can. Strike him as hard as you can, and keep moving on. ~Ulysses S. Grant
  16. Moving on is a simple thing but what it leaves behind is hard. ~Dave Mustaine
  17. It’s time to say goodbye, but I think goodbyes are sad and I’d much rather say hello. Hello to a new adventure. ~Ernie Harwell
  18. Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer. ~Denis Waitley
  19. Don’t brood. Get on with living and loving. You don’t have forever. ~Leo Buscaglia
  20. Forget the past – the future will give you plenty to worry about. ~George Allen, Sr.
  21. Feeling sorry for ourselves is the most useless waste of energy on the planet. It does absolutely no good. We can’t let our circumstances or what others do or don’t do control us. We can decide to be happy regardless. ~Joyce Meyer

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How to measure whether you are of good character

Our character is what we do when we think no one is looking. ~Author Unknown

Most people like to think they’re honest and certainly I do. Well we all like to be seen as being honest that’s for sure.

However what would we be prepared to do individually if we thought no one else was looking; if we thought we would never ever be caught?

Now that’s the real measure of just how honest we are; we can fool others perhaps but we cannot really fool ourselves.

Deep down we all know what we are. Maybe we’re good; maybe we’re bad. Then again maybe we’re just people who care about what others think of us.

If you’re the sort of person who does the right thing when no one else is looking then you’re truly of good character, because that’s the real measure of character.

Fail to do the right thing in those circumstances and that suggests you are someone of questionable character, to some degree at least, regardless of any character profile you like to present publicly.

Personally I try to be of good character and I try to do the right thing always, regardless of whether I’m being watched. However I’m more a work-in-progress than someone who always gets it right. No one’s perfect, least of all me.

That said, I think aspiring to be of good character is well worth working at and that is one of my aim’s in life.

How about you? What do you think?

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21 brilliant one-liners that will make you smile

Whenever I share funny one liners with readers the posts are always very popular. So it seemed like a good idea to collect a few more for you.

I’ve been collecting a lot more one liners of late, so I thought it was time I shared them with you dear reader. Well, if they’re popular with readers, why wouldn’t I?

Today I am sharing what I think are 21 brilliant one liners. They all made me smile and I hope at least one or two of them will make you smile too.

I must confess that though I’ve collected these from various sources I haven’t been able to identify the original authors. So they’re all Author Unknown.

However I would be happy to add acknowledgements to individual quotes where readers are able enlighten me accordingly.

In the meantime I hope these 21 brilliant one liners will brighten your day.

Brilliant one-liners:

  1. I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
  2. All those who believe in telekinesis raise my hand.
  3. What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxis.
  4. Always give 100 %, unless you’re donating blood.
  5. I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
  6. The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything“.
  7. I asked God for a bike but I know God doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  8. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job but when I got home all the signs were there.
  9. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
  10. I want patience. AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
  11. It’s a day for firm decisions! Or is it?
  12. Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
  13. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  14. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  15. Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days
  16. I started with nothing and I’ve still got most of it.
  17. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  18. I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was easy really. Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a beard.
  19. Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
  20. Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.
  21. I sent my photograph to a Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely.

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3 amusing short story jokes that will definitely make you laugh

1. Escaping a ticket:

Jim was finally enjoying a bit of freedom in life, so he decided to buy himself a new Mercedes C-Class Cabriolet.

On the day he collected it from the dealership he thought it would be a great idea to take his new toy out for a spin on the Interstate.

It was a pleasant evening, so with the top down and the wind in his hair he decided to really put his foot down until the pedal hit the metal.

The acceleration was amazing but as the car hit 90 mph. suddenly there was the sound of a siren and through his rear view mirror Jim could see blue lights flashing.

Undaunted by this turn of events Jim just thought to himself, “There’s no way the cops will catch me in a Mercedes at full speed.

And momentarily he kept the car going flat out until his speed exceeded 110 mph.

However his nerve went when he realised that despite his speed the cops were actually gaining on him.

So the reality of his situation hit him and Jim thought, “What the hell am I doing?

He slowed down and pulled over.

At the side of the road the cop came up to him and said, “Sir, could I see your license please?

Jim handed over his license.

The cop studied it momentarily and then said to Jim, “Sir, it’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and to be honest I really don’t feel like doing any more paperwork. So I’ll offer you a deal. If you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, I’ll let you go without a ticket.

Jim thought for a second and then said, “Officer, a month ago my wife ran off with a cop. Life has been so good since then but I was afraid you were chasing in an attempt to give her back to me.

The cop smiled at Jim and said, “Have a nice weekend sir.”

And with that he left Jim to enjoy his new car.

2. The price for a little fun:

It was Friday evening, it had been payday and Bill had really had a tough week.

So on leaving the office, he decided that instead of going home, he would stay out for the entire weekend partying with his mates and in the process blow his entire weeks salary.

When he finally arrived home on Sunday evening he was confronted by his angry wife and, needless to say, she hurled abuse at him for nearly two hours in a tirade befitting his irresponsible actions.

Finally, as she stopped shouting at him, his wife said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

That would be fine with me,” Bill responded unwisely.

Monday went by and Bill didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

However on Thursday, the swelling had gone down sufficiently for Bill to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

3. Unexpected benefit:

Mike and his wife Liz had the misfortune to be caught up in a terrible road traffic accident, with multiple cars involved. Unfortunately in the carnage that followed, Liz’s face was severely burned.

She was taken to the local hospital where the doctor told Mike that she would need a skin graft on her face.

The problem is,” said the doctor, “your wife is so thin we wouldn’t be able to use any skin from her body for the graft.”

Could I donate skin from my body?” asked Mike.

Yes, you can,” said the doctor. “However the only suitable skin would be skin from your buttocks.

Mike explained the situation to Liz and asked whether skin from his buttocks would be acceptable to her.

Well, as long as no one else knows where the skin came from,” said Liz.

Jim assured her that it would be their secret and the doctor also promised he would honour her request for secrecy.

So Liz had the surgery and when all the scars had healed everyone was amazed at how beautiful Liz now looked.

She’d always been attractive but she was now even more beautiful than she’d been before. All her friends and relatives couldn’t help commenting on her youthful beauty.

One day, Liz was sitting alone with Mike and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

“Mike, I just want you to know how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. There’s no way I could ever repay you,” said Liz.

Mike smiled and kissed her. Then he said, “Darling, think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

Polite request:

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Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

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How to really make your mark on life

How good it would be to be remembered for having contributed to someone’s life in a way which enlightened them or simply brought them lasting pleasure. The best epitaphs are those written in the hearts and minds of those we leave behind and to be remembered for inspiring others would be a wonderful thing. ~Les Horton

If you want to make your mark on life then find ways to make a difference. Helping others; inspiring others; encouraging others; that’s where we can all make a real difference in life. You really can be the light that leads the way for others to follow.

We all struggle with life at times. We all have our troubles occasionally. Help others now and one day they’ll be there for you when you need them.

Only people matter really. Everything else can never be as important to you as your loved ones, your friends and the people that are part of your life each and every day. Prioritise people and you can’t go too far wrong. Well, I think so anyway.

I can only agree with the quote above from the late, Gulf Daily News journalist, Les Horton. If you’re remembered in the hearts and minds of others then that would reflect a life well-lived.

Can there be a better way to live? What do you think?

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Why it’s important to deliver on your promises

Promises mean everything but after they are broken sorry means nothing. ~Author Unknown

Don’t promise what you can’t deliver.

If you promise something then you must be confident that you can actually deliver it. No amount of excuses after the event will impress anyone if you fail to deliver.

It’s always better to under-promise and over-deliver.

This is particularly true if children are involved. One of the worst things you can do to any child is to make them a promise and then fail to deliver on it.

Do that too often with children and they will never believe anything you say.

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