Roy Sutton - Wit and Wisdom

21 Clever One-Liners Guaranteed to Make You Smile

September 22, 2018 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

I love funny one liners and over time I collect them in a journal. And when I’ve got enough I like to share them with readers. Anything that makes readers smile always results in a great reaction.

So today I offer you my latest collection, which I think are all very clever one-liners.

Unfortunately I haven’t been able to identify the original authors, so I must classify them all as Author Unknown. However I’d be happy to add acknowledgements to each individual quote where readers are able enlighten me accordingly.

So if you know who wrote them originally then please do let me know.

I’m sharing these clever one-liners with you because I am confident they’ll make you smile dear reader. Certainly they all made me smile, so I do hope you enjoy them too.

Clever One-liners:

Education is important but other stuff is more importanter.
Arguing with your wife is unwise. Even if you win you lose.
I can keep secrets, of course. It’s the people I tell them to who can’t.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
My mind’s made up, don’t confuse me with facts.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
You can’t make me do what you want me to do, you’re not my cat.
Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a couple of car payments.
If you take away looks, money, intelligence, charm and success, there’s no difference between me and George Clooney.
I really hate it when people ask for likes on social media. Like if you agree!
You know you’re fat when you step on a ‘speak your weight’ scale and it says “one at a time please”.
When I was at school 52% of the class were good at maths. I was one of the other 38%.
My resolution was to read more, so I put the subtitles on my television.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 siblings but they didn’t know either.
The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.
I got called pretty yesterday and it felt really good. Well the full sentence was “You’re pretty annoying” but I like to focus on the positive.
You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t return then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.

Polite request:

So did these clever one-liners prove to be as funny as you’d hoped dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

25 funny witty quotes that will seriously tickle you

September 21, 2018 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

I’ve said this before but it’s true. I get the best reaction from readers with posts that are full of content to make you smile. And that’s natural of course. We all need a good laugh, don’t we?

With that in mind I’ve been trawling the Internet and my personal journals looking for funny witty quotes which I hope you’ll enjoy dear reader.

So here are today’s 25 funny witty quotes that I’m confident will tickle you.

They’re all by Authors Unknown but they’re razor sharp and funny nevertheless.

So go on have a laugh right now and enjoy them all.

Funny witty quotes:

‘Be yourself’ is the worst piece of advice you can give to some people.
Some people just need a sympathetic pat on the head, with a hammer.
HIM: How is it your single? HER: Surely you mean you’re?
Arguing with a fool serves only to prove that there are two.
Only dead fish go with the flow.
The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t hold this much personality.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight you’re drunk.
There are only two rules in life. No 1: Never ever give out all the information.
You never realise how weird you are until you have a kid who acts just like you.
If you have nothing to be grateful for check your pulse.
Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions. Chocolate understands.
I’ve learned so much from my mistakes I’m thinking of making a few more.
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
We mature with damage, not with years.
Life is short. So smile while you still have teeth.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
Sarcasm is not an attitude. It’s an art.
I have an irrational fear of wasting a good outfit on an insignificant day.
Whoever said that nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.
The only time a woman is helpless is when her nail polish is drying. Otherwise, watch out.
The first thing you lose on a diet is your sense of humour.
Everyone has the right to be stupid but you’re abusing the privilege.
If you don’t like the way I drive then stay off the sidewalk.
If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving’s not for you.
129% of people exaggerate.

Polite request:

So did these funny witty quotes amuse you dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

7 great stay focused quotes

September 20, 2018 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

If you don’t know exactly what you want then you’ll never get it. That much is philosophically self-evident to you I am sure dear reader. However how can you know what you want?

Well if necessary keep trying stuff until you find something you really enjoy and at which you excel.

And once you’ve found something you love, stay focused on it and take it as far as you can possibly go.

That’s the way to achieve real success.

Here are 7 great stay focused quotes to help you on your way.

Stay focused quotes:

Stay focused, go after your dreams and keep moving toward your goals. ~LL Cool J
Know what you want and focus on how you’ll get it. And never, ever give up. ~Roy Sutton
Courage is like a muscle; it is strengthened by use. ~Ruth Gordon
Do not be afraid to ask dumb questions; they are easier to handle than dumb mistakes. ~Author Unknown
Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them. ~Albert Einstein
Aim higher; stay focused. ~Brandon Adams
I always want to stay focused on who I am, even as I’m discovering who I am. ~Alicia Keys

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15 amusing quotes by Mae West

September 19, 2018 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

Mae West was one of the most controversial movie stars of her day, making comedy out of the prudish, conventional mores of that time. Nevertheless Depression-era audiences loved her for it.

Born Mary Jane West in Brooklyn, New York in 1893 she was an actress, singer, playwright, screenwriter, comedian and sex symbol whose entertainment career spanned seven decades.

Some might dismiss her for her light-hearted bawdy double entendres and breezy sexual independence but she knew what she was doing and she was clearly very smart.

She was a woman who lived life on her own terms.

Asked about the various efforts to impede her career, Mae West replied, “I believe in censorship. I made a fortune out of it.”

Here are 15 quotes by Mae West, many of which I’m sure will make you smile.

Quotes by Mae West:

A dame that knows the ropes isn’t likely to get tied up. ~Mae West
I used to be Snow White but I drifted. ~Mae West
Too much of a good thing can be wonderful. ~Mae West
To err is human but it feels divine. ~Mae West
I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it. ~Mae West
It is better to be looked over than overlooked. ~Mae West
You only live once but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. ~Mae West
I never loved another person the way I loved myself. ~Mae West
He who hesitates is a damned fool. ~Mae West
Virtue has its own reward, but no sale at the box office. ~Mae West
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. ~Mae West
When I’m good, I’m very good but when I’m bad I’m better. ~Mae West
I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure. ~Mae West
Marriage is a great institution but I’m not ready for an institution. ~Mae West

Polite request:

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You did? I hope so anyway.

If that is the case then please share them with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

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How to avoid being constrained by perception

September 18, 2018 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

How many potentially stellar careers have been crushed before they even began by discouraging words from those we think must be right because they know us so well? People like mum, dad or a teacher?

Consider this scenario; a child says to mum and dad, “When I grow up I want to be a footballer.”

Mum and dad respond by saying, “You’ll never succeed at football son, you’re not good enough. You’d be better thinking about a different career.”

Now what would be the impact of such an exchange on a child? Just think about it for a second.

Mum and dad will have meant well, almost certainly. They’d think they were giving their child an honest response based on their perception of the child’s ability.

No doubt they were thinking that getting to the top in professional sport is tough and few actually make it. And perhaps they perceive the child as being a bit less than sporty and feel he’d be better off pursuing a different line of work. Their thinking would be to save the child from disappointment in the future.

Regardless of any good intentions on mum and dad’s part however, how would the child be affected here? Firstly what he will actually have heard was, “You’re not good enough” regardless of any sugar-coating mum and dad may have applied to their words.

Such negativity oft repeated is extremely damaging to a child. A child’s dreams are easily crushed.

Gradually they are conditioned to believe they have little to offer the world and they will go through life acting accordingly, with little in the way of dreams or ambition.

The limits of perception:

The person others perceive us to be can be hard to escape. Perception is everything.

Our progress in life, as well as in our careers, can be constrained by the perception others have of us.

We have many sides to our personality and the capacity and talent to do many things. And yet few people, if any, see the full extent of what we have to offer.

So people put us in imaginary pigeon holes of where they believe our place in life should be.

People struggle to see beyond the limits of what they perceive us to be.

And sadly, all too often our own actions serve only to reinforce this limited view.

You have no limits, only untapped potential:

How we’re perceived to be is rarely an accurate reflection of what we have to offer. Most people are in fact a bottomless reservoir of untapped potential.

Most things can be achieved if you want them badly enough and you’re prepared to work hard enough to get them.

And it doesn’t matter whether other people believe you can achieve it, as long as you believe you can achieve it.

Believe you can and you will. The converse of that is true too. So be positive and avoid the siren voices of negativity.

Know what you want:

It really is important to know what you want.

However, how can we know what we really want? This is particularly true when we’re young and have little experience of life to use as a basis for judgement.

Well if you’re not sure about what you want, just keep looking. Move around regularly if you have to, trying different experiences until you find something that really ‘floats your boat’.

Showcase your ability and talents as much as you can too. That way, people may approach you with potential experiences you hadn’t even considered.

Focus on your goal:

Once you know what you want, that becomes a goal on which to focus.

Decide what you need to do to achieve that goal and then pursue it with determination and as much hard work as is necessary.

Don’t forget lives need balance too:

Pursuing your goal is a worthy aim. However in doing so, make sure you have some balance in your life.

That means having a sense of purpose but also a pastime and someone special in your life too.

Achieving all three is what balance is all about.

Visibility matters:

Take every opportunity to show other people what you can do.

You must make sure that people have full visibility of everything you have to offer.

Never hide your light under a bushel. There’s nothing wrong with self-promotion.

If you don’t look after your own interests then no one else will.

Dream big and ignore negative people:

Life is what you make it. You’re not constrained by how others see you. The only limits are the artificial ones that act like invisible walls. However they can only be limits if you allow them to be.

And you don’t have to allow them to get in the way. Simply refuse to be constrained and pursue your dreams.

Don’t be afraid to dream big and ignore anyone who suggests you cannot achieve your ambition.

You can and you should. Making your mark and leaving a legacy is a worthy aim.

So go on; be the person you really could be.

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21 thought-provoking quotes about not giving up

September 17, 2018 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

Life’s not easy and the world can be a tough place.

You’ll find that nothing worth having ever comes easy.

For anything worth having there’s always a price to be paid and that price must always be paid first.

You’ll get nothing unless you’ve earned the right to it.

The price you pay is not necessarily in money. Much more likely the price you pay will be in blood, sweat and tears.

Success can be yours but you have to keep going and you must persevere until you get to where you want to be.

Don’t allow other peoples’ negativity to shake your belief in what’s possible.

If you believe it’s possible then keep going until you get to where you want to be.

Here are 21 thought-provoking quotes about not giving up that will encourage you to keep going.

Quotes about not giving up:

Never, never, never give up. ~Winston Churchill
Your victory is right around the corner. Never give up. ~Nicki Minaj
Never give up. You only get one life. Go for it! ~Richard E Grant
Survival can be summed up in three words, never give up. That’s the heart of it really. Just keep trying. ~Bear Grylls
Never give up; for even rivers someday wash dams away. ~Arthur Golden
My parents taught me to never give up and to always believe that my future could be whatever I dreamt it to be. ~Susana Martinez
There is no substitute for hard work. Never give up. Never stop believing. Never stop fighting. ~Hope Hicks
I never give up when I encounter obstacles in my way. I just continue going until I reach my career objectives. ~Henrikh Mkhitaryan
I never made it to the school choir because the music teacher didn’t like my voice. I was pretty sad. But he was probably right; I did have a voice a bit like a goat, but my dad told me to never give up and to keep going, and it’s paid off. ~Shakira
My greatest point is my persistence. I never give up in a match. However down I am, I fight until the last ball. My list of matches shows that I have turned a great many so-called irretrievable defeats into victories. ~Bjorn Borg
Stay true to yourself, yet always be open to learn. Work hard, and never give up on your dreams, even when nobody else believes they can come true but you. These are not clichés but real tools you need no matter what you do in life to stay focused on your path. ~Phillip Sweet
Never give up on what you really want to do. The person with big dreams is more powerful than the one with all the facts. ~H Jackson Brown, Jr
I will keep smiling, be positive and never give up! I will give 100 percent each time I play. These are always my goals and my attitude. ~Yani Tseng
When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn. ~Harriet Beecher Stowe
Don’t quit. Never give up trying to build the world you can see, even if others can’t see it. Listen to your drum and your drum only. It’s the one that makes the sweetest sound. ~Simon Sinek
The one thing you’ve gotta do is that you need to always do the best you can do, no matter what the given situation, no matter what comes up against you. You do the best you can do, and you never give up. Never quit. ~James Corden
A lot of people have their big dreams and get knocked down and don’t have things go their way. And you never give up hope, and you really just hold on to it. Hard work and perserverance. You just keep getting up and getting up, and then you get that breakthrough. ~Robert Kraft
If you really believe in what you’re doing, work hard, take nothing personally and if something blocks one route, find another. Never give up. ~Laurie Notaro
Never quit believing that you can develop in life. Never give up. Don’t deny the inward spirit that provides the drive to accomplish great things in life. ~Jon Huntsman, Sr
There are no right and wrong ways to work in this business but there are some basic common-sense practices. Work very, very hard and always be prepared; never give up; and once you get the job, give them more than they ever expected. Shine! ~Jimmy Smits
Write every day; never give up; it’s supposed to be difficult; try to find some pleasure and reward in the act of writing, because you can’t look for praise from editors, readers, or critics. In other words, tips that are much easier to give than to take. ~JR Moehringer

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Please share them with your friends on social media because when you share, everyone wins. If you could share them now I would be ever so grateful.

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Thank you.

If wealth is your aim then this is the best way to get rich

September 16, 2018 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

Business opportunities are like buses, there’s always another one coming. ~Richard Branson

How would you like to be seriously rich dear reader? Never having to worry about money again? Would that appeal to you? I’m sure it would.

I’m sure everyone dreams of being a millionaire, at least occasionally. However what is the best path to achieving riches?

Well one excellent way, without doubt, is to start a business. Some of the world’s richest people achieved wealth through starting a business. People like Jeff Bezos for instance, and Richard Branson of course.

Now you might question whether this is a good time to start a business. However it’s always a good time to start a business, if you approach it in the right way.

There will always be customers for goods and services, that’s the nature of human existence. Jobs may be in short supply but there will always be plenty of customers.

Essentially business is about providing people with solutions to their problems. A customer has a problem and business offers a product which provides a solution. It’s that simple.

People will always have problems for which they need help. And over time those problems tend to change. So there will always be a constant stream of business opportunities there for the fleet-footed entrepreneur.

If wealth is your aim, then there will always be opportunities to make serious amounts of money in business.

If you can see the world through the customer’s eyes and think about what customers may need to solve their problems then you can succeed in business.

If you can spot a problem for which currently there is no obvious solution then that’s a gap in the market and it’s the basis for a business opportunity.

However even when there is a solution available to a customer problem, if you can offer a better solution, or the same solution cheaper, then that too is a business opportunity.

Just think about customers and what they may need and how you can provide it for them.

If you can learn to look for customers, rather than jobs, and hunt down the skills and know-how to get and then serve those customers then you’ll always have work and you’ll have wealth too.

So what is the best way to get rich? Think customer; think business opportunity. Spot an opportunity; start a business; and get going on the road to wealth.

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Very funny comedy sketch about the Expert in a meeting

September 15, 2018 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

If you’re in a professional role then meetings go with the territory, I’m sure you’ll agree?

In fact meetings are probably the bane of your life, I’m sure you’ll probably agree with that too.

Frequently you’re invited to a meeting because your expertise will play an important part in any decisions to be made. You possess knowledge and knowhow that no one else can offer, therefore the meeting needs you to guide them through choppy waters and to keep them away from the rocks of disaster.

It’s nice to be recognised for your expertise of course.

However it is a fact of life that just because you’re the expert, it doesn’t stop everyone else in the meeting thinking that somehow they know more than you.

You’re asked for your opinion and then you’re immediately contradicted.

Essentially you provide a considered response to a question and then immediately your opinion is dismissed. You’re told you’re being too pessimistic or that you’re exaggerating the risks associated with a given approach. Does this sound familiar?

Well here’s a video for all the experts out there who’ve ever had to endure a meeting with non-experts who are unwilling or unable to understand what you’re telling them. I’m sure you’ll know the experience dear reader.

This comedy sketch is hilarious and it does nail an essential truth. People will believe what they want to believe and whatever they believe to be in their interests, regardless of anything they’re told to the contrary.

This video is recommended viewing for anyone in need of a good laugh and it is well worth a few minutes of your time.

Polite request:

So did this video prove to be as funny as you’d hoped dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

8 hilariously funny jokes that’ll make you scream laughing

September 14, 2018 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

If you like your jokes in the form of short stories then you’ll love these hilariously funny jokes. I am confident that these amusing vignettes will have you laughing out loud.

These are some of the best jokes I’ve heard recently. They all made me laugh, so I hope they will brighten your day too.

However remember this; if they make you smile then please share them. Everyone needs a good laugh, so it would be wrong to keep them all to yourself dear reader. So share these hilariously funny jokes with your network on social media please but not before you’ve had a good laugh yourself.

1. National identity:

A Scotsman, a Welshman, an Irishman and an Englishman were captured while fighting in a foreign war.

Their situation is quite desperate when the leader of their captors suddenly announces, “As enemies of our people, you will all be shot by firing squad. You’ll each be shot in turn. However we’re civilised people, so first you’ll each be allowed a final request.”

The Scotsman says quickly, “I’d like to hear ‘Flower of Scotland’ played by the Band of the Scots Guards, to remind me of happy days in bonny Scotland.” He then shouts, “Scotland forever!”

The Welshman says, “Well I’d like to hear ‘Men of Harlech’ sung by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir to remind me of the green, green grass of home and those happy times when I lived in the Valleys.” He then shouts, “God bless the Land of my Fathers!”

The Irishman, not to be outdone, says, “For me I want to hear ‘Danny Boy’ just one more time to remind me of the auld country. I want it sung in the style of Daniel O’Donnell.” Then, taking his lead from his Celtic cousins he shouts, “Éirinn go Brách.”

The leader of their captors then looks at the Englishman who’s remained very quiet up to this point. “So Englishman, what’s your request?” he says.

The Englishman responds, “I’d like to be shot first.”

2. Nun outside a Dublin bar:

A guy is walking into a Dublin bar and standing right outside the door is a nun.

“Top of the morning to you sister!” says the guy with a smile.

The nun looks at him sternly and says, “Before you enter this den of iniquity please think about your mother and your father.”

“But sister, my poor mother and father have long since passed away sadly. They’re with the angels now” the guy responds.

“Then think of the damage the alcohol will do to your brain” says the nun.

“Sister, what are you talking about? Have you ever had a drink?” asks the guy.

“No! Certainly not!” says the nun.

“Then in the name of God sister, how can you say it damages the brain if you’ve never actually had a drink?” asks the guy.

The guy thinks for a minute and then he says, “Listen sister, I’ll tell you what. I’ll go in and get you a drink, you can try it and if you don’t like it then you can talk about it. But you can’t talk about something you’ve never even experienced.”

The nun says, “Alright, I’ll try a drink.”

The guy then says, “So, what’ll you have then?”

“I don’t know”, says the nun “What do ladies generally drink?”

The guy says, “All the ones I know like a glass of gin.”

The nun smiles and says, “Alright, I’ll have a gin but get it in a cup so no one will notice.”

So the guy goes into the bar and says to the barman, “I’ll have a pint of Guinness please bartender and a large gin. But can you put the gin in a cup.”

The barman smiles at him and says, “Jeez, is that feckin’ nun hanging around outside again.”

3. Life in Hell:

John did his best to lead a good and honest life but sadly, on his passing, he’s allocated a place in Hell.

John arrives at the gates of Hell, a little disappointed and he’s looking fairly despondent when another man walks up to him and says, “Hello I’m Jim, you’re looking a little glum.”

To which John replies, “Well, I thought I’d be enjoying a place in heaven right now but nothing ever works out like you think it will, does it?”

Seeing John’s not very happy, Jim tries to cheer him up. “Listen buddy, Hell isn’t so bad really.”

John says, “Really?”

“Yeah, really”, says Jim. “Hey, do like beer?”

“Yes I love beer”, John responds.

“Then you’ll love Fridays here in Hell. Every Friday is beer day. We drink gallons and gallons of beer all day long. There’s no limit, you can drink as much as you like”, says Jim.

“Doesn’t that make you sick and give you a terrible hangover?” asks John

“No! We’re dead! It has no effect on us”, says Jim. “Hey, do you like drugs?”

“Well, I did smoke a little Mary Jane in my College days”, says John.

“Then you’ll love Saturdays here in Hell”, says Jim. “Every Saturday we smoke marijuana all day long. We smoke doobies as big as submarines. It’s fantastic.”

“Doesn’t that make you sick?” asks John

“No! We’re dead! It has no effect on us”, says Jim. “Do you like food?”

“Sure, who doesn’t like food? I love food,” says John.

“Then you’re going to love Sundays here in Hell”, says Jim. “Every Sunday they roast Ox; a whole one for each of us. We stuff ourselves with roast Ox and all the trimmings all day long. In Hell we do everything to excess and doing everything to excess is mandatory here. We’re dead, so no worries.”

“Wow!” says John. “Hell actually sounds like a really fun place.”

“It does, doesn’t it?” Jim responds.

“Hey, are you Gay?” Jim then asks.

“No”, says John “I love sex with women.”

Jim frowns and says, “Hmm, in that case you’ll hate Mondays.”

4. Unrealistic expectations:

A recent engineering graduate is having an interview for his first job with a big technology company.

The young graduate is fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and he’s clearly very impressed with himself.

As the interview is nearing an end the Human Resources officer asks him, “So John, what are your expectations in terms of a starting salary?“

The young graduate replies, “Well I’d be looking for something in the region of $125,000 a year. However the exact figure I’d accept would depend on the benefits package.“

His interviewer smiles and says, “Well John, what would you say to 5 weeks annual vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental cover, the company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, plus a company car, say a Ford Mustang GT?“

The young graduate engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding? “

The HR officer replies, “Yes of course I am John, but you started it.“

5. Bus full of ugly people:

A bus full of ugly people is involved in a head on collision with a truck and all the passengers are killed.

They all arrive in heaven and, feeling sorry for them, God decides they can each have one wish.

A woman is the first person and she says, “I want to be gorgeous.“

So God snaps his fingers and suddenly she is stunningly attractive.

A man is next and he makes a similar request. “I want to be handsome” he says.

This goes on with each passenger in turn essentially making the same request. They all want to be irresistibly good looking.

With a number of passengers yet to express their wish, God notices that the last man in the line who has also yet to make a request is laughing hysterically.

By the time God gets to the last few people, the last man in the line is laughing uncontrollably and he’s rolling around on the ground.

When it comes to his turn the man laughs some more and then says, “I wish they’re all ugly again.“

Moral of the story: In any group there’s always one person hell bent on making life difficult for everyone else.

6. The warrior and the old man:

A fleeing warrior is lost in the desert and he’s in desperate need of water.

Suddenly he sees what he thinks is a stall far off in the distance.

Hoping he might find water there, he hurries towards the stall only to find a little old man selling ties.

The warrior asks, “Do you have any water?“

The old replies, “No I don’t have any water. Would you like to buy a tie? They’re only $5.“

The warrior is irritated by his response and says, “No! I don’t need an over-priced tie right now. I need water! You realize I’m armed? I could kill you. However I must find water first.“

“Alright” says the old man, “It doesn’t matter to me that you don’t want to buy a tie and that you don’t like me. I will show you that I’m the bigger person. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant, owned by my brother. It will have all the ice cold water you need. God be with you“.

Muttering, the warrior staggers off over the hill.

Several hours later he staggers back, almost dead.

“Your brother won’t let me in without a tie.“

7. The magic trick:

Two broke and hungry friends, Bill and George walk into a pastry shop in Manhattan.

As the baker’s back is turned, Bill grabs three cookies quickly and stuffs them in his trouser pocket with lightning speed.

The baker’s back is still turned, so he doesn’t notice.

Bill smiles at George, winks his eye and says, “Did you see that? Did you see how clever I was there? You’ll never beat that will you?“

“Really? You think so? Watch this.” George replies.

He then says to the baker, “If you’ll give me a cookie, I’ll show you a magic trick. And I promise you, you’ll be impressed.“

So the baker hands him a cookie which George then eats.

Then George says to the baker: “I’ll need another cookie from you for my magic trick to work.“

The baker is a bit suspicious but he gives George another cookie. Once again he eats the cookie.

Then George says, “I’m really sorry but I’ll need one more cookie if this trick is to work.“

The baker is really not amused by now and he says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

George assures him the trick is genuine and all will be revealed after the next Cookie. So the baker gives him another cookie which George promptly eats, once again.

The baker is starting to get mad and he yells, “So where’s the magic?“

George points at Bill and then says: “You’ll find three cookies in this guy’s pocket. That’s magic!“

8. A woman golfing:

A woman is out golfing. Playing off the first tee, she’s not quite got her swing right and she slices the ball on her first attempt and watches it disappear deep into the woods.

Not a great start she thinks. So she trudges off looking for her ball.

As she’s scratching around in the woods she can’t find her ball but she does find a frog stuck in a trap.

The frog is relieved to have finally been discovered, having been stuck there for quite some time. So the frog says to the woman, “Lady, if you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.“

Now who wouldn’t want three wishes? So the woman immediately frees the frog.

The frog is grateful but then says, “Lady, thank you. I appreciate your help. However I failed to mention that there will be a condition to your wishes.”

A little puzzled, the woman asks, “And what’s that?”

“Well” says the frog, “Whatever you wish for, your husband will also receive but multiplied by a factor of ten!“

The woman thinks for a minute and then says, “That’s fine.“

Then for her first wish she says, “I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world.”

The frog smiles but warns her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world? He will be an Adonis and no woman will be able to resist his charms.“

The woman thinks for a minute and then says, “That’s alright, because I will be the most beautiful woman in the world, so he will only have eyes for me.“

With that there is a ‘Poof’ sound and the woman is immediately transformed into the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog then says, “And for your second wish? What would you like?”

For her second wish the woman says, “I want to be the richest woman in the world.”

Once again the frog feels compelled to issue a warning. “Lady, this will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.“

The woman says, “That’s fine. We’re married, so what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.“

Once again there is a ‘Poof’ sound and the woman is suddenly the richest woman in the world.

The frog then says, “Right, it’s now time for your final wish. What will it be?”

The woman replies, “I’d like a mild heart attack.“

Moral of the story: Women are clever. So don’t mess with them.

Attention Female Readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue to feel good.

Male Readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women think they’re really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

Note: And ladies if you’re still reading this, it only goes to show that women never listen to men.

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If you’ve enjoyed these hilariously funny jokes then please share them with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

35 one-liners about life that are guaranteed to raise a smile

September 13, 2018 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

“Life? Don’t talk to me about life!”

Older readers may remember, that was the expression made famous by Marvin the paranoid android in Douglas Adams’ classic novel, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

I’m sure we’ve all shared Marvin’s sentiment occasionally when we experience life’s more challenging moments.

However positive we are, life can get the better of us sometimes.

So here are some one-liners about life that are guaranteed to raise a smile or two as I’m sure they will resonate with readers.

Life can be absurd at times and it’s difficult on occasions to believe the evidence of our own eyes and ears. Nevertheless our aim must be to remain positive and to do that we must learn to laugh at life and ourselves.

Don’t take it all too seriously. Just laugh as much as you can and that is the perfect counter-balance to Life’s absurdities.

Start now by laughing at all these one-liners which I’ve collected together to amuse and entertain.

One-liners about life:

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Life is a terminal disease.
Youth is wasted on the young.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
We never really grow up we only learn how to act in public.
Being a hypochondriac could save your life one of these days.
Any room is a panic room if you’ve lost your phone in it.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
I’m really good at stuff until people watch me do that stuff.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
Just because a road’s well-trodden doesn’t mean it leads anywhere worth going.
As soon as you’re doing what you wanted to be doing, you want to be doing something else.
Stealing ideas from one person is plagiarism but stealing ideas from many people is research.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
You might as well laugh at your problems because everyone else does.
God must love stupid people because he made so many of them.
Dolphins are so smart they can train people to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish.
If I was doin’ any better, I’d have to hire someone to help me enjoy it!
Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
I thought I wanted a career but I realise now that I just wanted a decent income.
Love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them getting there safely.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Why is it that most nudists are people you wouldn’t want to see naked?
No one is in charge of your happiness, except you.
Smile. Some people will appreciate it others will be irritated by it. Either way you win.
The pain you feel today will be the strength you feel tomorrow.

Polite request:

So dear reader, did these one-liners about life make you smile?

I hope so. However there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share it now, I would be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. Thank you.

Best Books to Read: Getting Organized

Do you need to get organized? Need a little help and guidance? Well if getting organized is your aim and you’re looking for books to add to your personal reference library then here are three books, the Kindle edition of which I think you should consider purchasing:- The Personal Efficiency Program: How to Get Organized to Do […]

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