10 funny jokes guaranteed to have you howling with laughter


1. The Tiny Pianist:

A guy walks into a New York bar pushing a small suitcase on wheels.

He takes a seat at the bar and then he begins to open the suitcase carefully.

With the suitcase open, he takes out the tiniest piano you’ve ever seen and places it on the bar. The bartender watches him, a little puzzled.

The guy then reaches back into the suitcase and takes out a tiny man. This little man is no taller than ten inches high and the guy then seats him at the tiny piano.

The tiny man then begins to play a piece by Chopin on the piano in a way that is both enchanting and absolutely beautiful.

The bartender walks up the guy and says “Gee, where did you get the tiny pianist? He’s brilliant.

The guy puts his hand back into his suitcase again and pulls out an old magic lamp, which he then hands to the bartender.

He says to the bartender, “Here, rub this and make a wish.

The bartender says, “Are you serious?

The guy says, “Sure, go ahead.

So the bartender rubs the lamp and says “I wish for a Million Bucks!

There is a loud ‘poof’ sound before a million ducks start marching into the bar.

The bartender looks at the man and says, “Buddy, I think your magic lamp is broken.

The guy looks at him, smiles then says, “Yeah, I know. You don’t really think I asked for a 10 inch pianist do you?

2. An Engineer Goes to Hell:

An engineer dies and suddenly finds himself standing at the Pearly Gates, in front of Saint Peter who’s holding a clipboard.

Saint Peter takes a few moments to review his list and then says to the engineer, “I’m sorry old boy but you’re not on the list. That means you’ll have to go down below I’m afraid.

The engineer is a little disheartened but trudges off in search of the gates to Hell.

When he arrives in Hell he’s less than impressed. It’s hot, it’s smelly and it’s very miserable.

However being an engineer, he’s very resourceful. So immediately he decides to take action to improve his situation.

He realises that if he’s to be comfortable he must do something about the heat. So he decides to install air conditioning. Once he gets that working, everything cools down quite quickly and it’s all a little bit more pleasant.

Installing the air conditioning proved to be thirsty work but there aren’t any cold drinks. So the engineer decides to install refrigeration and before you know it everyone in Hell is able to relax with a cold beer.

When he’s got everyone cool and the beer cold, the engineer realises they don’t have any entertainment. So he decides to install cable television. Before you know it they’re all enjoying hundreds of television channels.

Suddenly life in Hell is getting quite pleasant and the engineer is becoming a popular guy. Well why wouldn’t he be? He’s constantly using his skills to make life better for everyone.

Anyway, one day, God has reason to phone the Devil. Needless to say, God can’t resist having a little fun at the Devil’s expense.

So how’s it all going down there Devil? Still hot and miserable?” says God.

To which the Devil replies, “Well actually things are great down here right now. Since you sent us that engineer we’ve been able to upgrade our facilities substantially.

God is annoyed and cannot conceal his irritation, saying, “What? You’ve got an engineer? How did that happen? There’s always a place for engineers up here in Heaven, we need their skills. There must be some mistake

Now it’s the Devil who feels he’s the one who can have a little fun and he responds with a laugh, “Well he’s here with us now and we’re pleased to have him.

Send him up here right now.” Says God,

The Devil’s having none of it, and he responds, “No way! We’re keeping him. He’s far too useful to let go.

God decides it’s time to apply a little pressure, so he says, “Look Devil, either you send him up here to me immediately or I’ll have no choice but to sue you!

The Devil falls about laughing and says, “Where will you find a lawyer?

3. The Bear and the Rabbit:

A bear was chasing a rabbit through the forest.

They ran into a clearing and the bear chased the rabbit around a giant redwood tree where, as luck would have it, a genie lived.

The genie got so tired of the noise they were making that finally he came out and told them both that he would grant them both 3 wishes, if they’d just agree to go away and leave him in peace.

Naturally the pair agreed. Who wouldn’t want three wishes after all?

So, the bear said he’d go first. “I wish from now on that every bear in this forest is both female and very, very horny.

The genie granted him his wish.

The rabbit just grinned and simply asked for a motorcycle crash helmet.

The genie granted him his wish too. There was a ‘poof’ sound and then in the rabbit’s paw was a top of the range motorcycle crash helmet.

The bear was somewhat puzzled by the rabbit’s request but he continued nevertheless with his second wish. “I wish from now that on every bear in the whole country is both female and very, very horny!

The genie granted the bear his second wish.

Again the rabbit grinned and then he said that his second wish was for a Harley Davidson motorcycle.

This wish was granted too and again there was a ‘poof’ sound and suddenly there in the forest stood a gleaming Harley Davidson.

The rabbit jumped on the Harley; put his helmet on and then started gunning the hog.

The bear looked at the rabbit, smiled and said, “You must be the dumbest rabbit I’ve ever met!

It was time for the bear’s final wish, so he said, “I wish from now on that every bear in the whole world is both female and very, very horny!

The genie granted him his third and final wish. “Rest assured”, the genie said to the bear, “every bear you will ever meet from now on will be both female and very, very horny.

The bear looked very pleased with himself.

The genie then looked at the rabbit and said, “So, what’s your final wish?

The rabbit laughed out loud and said, “I wish that from now on the bear is gay.

With that the rabbit gunned the hog and disappeared into the sunset.

4. The Taxidermist:

A guy walks into a redneck bar in Texas.

A couple of cross-eyed, local boys are playing Dueling Banjos on their guitars, guns in holsters by their sides.

Other mean-looking guys, similarly armed, are just sitting around, drinking and they start staring at the stranger in their midst. There’s tension in the air.

The bartender looks at the stranger and says, “What’ll it be, boy?

The guy says, “I’ll have a white wine spritzer, please.

The tension in the bar increases noticeably, the other customers are getting twitchy and hands start reaching for their guns.

The bartender looks at the stranger and says, “With a pussy drink like that I’m guessing you ain’t from around here are ya boy? Where ya from?

The guy says, “Well actually, I’m from Iowa.

The bartender frowns at him and says, “Iowa? And what the heck you do in Iowa boy?

The guy tries to lighten the tension with a smile and then he says, “I’m a taxidermist?

The bartender gives him a puzzled look and says, “You’re a taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist boy?

Starting to feel a bit nervous, the guy responds, “I mount animals.

The bartender grins and shouts out to everyone in the bar, “It’s okay boys, he’s one of us!

5. Two Accountants:

Two accountants go to their local bank during their lunch break.

They’re both standing in line when suddenly four masked and armed robbers burst in through the door.

One of the robbers yells, “Don’t anyone move. We’ve got guns and we’ll use them. Cooperate and you won’t get hurt.

Two of the robbers then go to the counter with four very large but empty leather bags and one says to the tellers, “Fill these bags with cash and be quick about it.

While the tellers nervously fill the bags with cash, the other two robbers line all the customers, including the two accountants, up against a wall. One robber walks along the line waving his gun menacingly in their faces and he shouts, “Right I want your wallets, your cash, your watches, and any other valuables you’ve got and I want them all now. And if you don’t give me everything you’ve got I’ll shoot you dead!

As this is all going on one accountant stuffs something into the hand of his colleague.

Without looking down, his colleague whispers, “What’s this?

The accountant whispers back, “It’s that $50 I owe you.

6. Escaped Convict:

A convict escapes from Folsom State Prison where he’s been locked up for 15 Years. He’s on the run and in need of food, money and a gun. So he decides to break into a house, where he thinks he might find at least some of these things. Walking along an affluent street he spots a house that he thinks looks perfect.

He forces the back door open and steps inside. As he wanders through the house, he finds a young couple in bed. The couple are startled and very frightened.

He orders the naked woman out of bed and ties her to a chair.

He then ties her husband to the bed.

The convict then goes back to the woman and straddling her lap, he puts his head close to the woman’s ear and whispers something before kissing her on the cheek. He then stands up and goes into their bathroom.

While the convict is in the bathroom, the husband whispers over to his wife: “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he straddled your lap and kissed you on the cheek. He’s horny. If he wants sex, do whatever he asks of you. You mustn’t resist and don’t complain. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously dangerous. If he gets angry, he could kill us both. So be strong, honey. I love you!

There was a sigh of relief from the woman as she whispered back, “When he whispered in my ear, he told me he was gay and he said he thinks you’re really cute. He said he’s very horny and he wanted to know if we had any more condoms. I told him there were some in the bathroom cabinet. I knew you see reason honey. You be strong. I love you too and I appreciate the sacrifice you’ll be making.

7. Nicky the Thicky:

Bill was a straight-A student at High School but 20 years later his career has been less than stellar. Still when he gets an invitation to a High School reunion he decides to go anyway. Well he figures he hasn’t seen any of his school buddies since those far off days and it might be fun at least to see how some of the class losers have gotten on since then. They might provide him with something to laugh at and feel good about himself.

When he arrives at the reunion the first guy he bumps into is Jack. This makes Bill a little bit apprehensive. Jack had been a friend of his at school but he’d also been voted the student most likely to succeed. So Bill figured that Jack must be the CEO of a large multinational corporate organization by now at least.

Well Jack’s career too had not quite lived up to expectations. He was now the manager of the local Credit Union. This might be a decent job but it’s hardly anything exceptional. Nevertheless it leaves Bill feeling a little bit more relaxed. Perhaps he hadn’t done so badly after all.

As Bill and Jack stand outside the entrance to their old High School, swapping stories about their lives since schooldays, suddenly a brand new Lamborghini Veneno roars into the parking lot. This is $5 million worth of supercar and Bill and Jack are stunned. Who could this be? Surely it couldn’t be one of their old classmates?

As they stand there open-mouthed, the car door opens and out steps Nicky. Now had there been a vote at school for the student least likely to succeed then Nicky would have won it by a country mile and then some. He really was thick, academically, and unsurprisingly his fellow students all knew him as ‘Nicky the Thicky’.

Bill and Jack could not understand how Nicky is doing so well. So they engage him in conversation to find out more.

Jack says to him, “Hey Nicky, that car’s awesome. How come you’re doing so well.

Nicky responds and says, “Well Jack, I couldn’t get job when I left High School so I started my own business.

So Bill says, “Wow Nicky, how come your business is so successful?

Nicky smiles and says, “Well I sell this really popular product which I can buy for $2 a pop and I can sell it for $5 a pop. And I can sell it by the truckload. You wouldn’t believe it. It’s amazing how much money you can make with a 3% mark-up.”

Bill and Jack exchange glances in stunned silence. Where did they both go wrong?

MORAL OF THE STORY: Lack of academic success at school is never a barrier to financial success in life. And academic success does not guarantee financial success.

8. The Indian Businessman:

An Indian businessman, Rajesh Bhatia, walks into a bank in the City of London and asks to see the Loans officer.

Mr Bhatia explains that he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and he needs to borrow £5000.

The Loans officer says that, whilst it’s possible, the bank would need something substantial as security against the loan.

Mr Bhatia responds by saying he’d be happy to hand over the keys to his new Rolls Royce, which cost £250,000, as security against the loan.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says Mr Bhatia, “and I have all the necessary papers here.

The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. After which Mr Bhatia departs with his money, leaving the Loans officer, the bank’s manager and all their colleagues enjoying a good laugh at Mr Bhatia for using a £250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a £5,000 loan.

One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later Mr Bhatia returns from Europe, repays the £5000 as well as the interest, which comes to £16.81.

As he prepares a receipt, the Loans officer asks quizzically, “Sir, I must say, we’re all a little bit puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a very wealthy man and a multimillionaire. So why would you bother to borrow £5,000?

Mr Bhatia replies, “Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £16.81?

9. The Rare Centipede:

Whilst out hiking, a guy finds a rare but long and poisonous centipede.

The guy is amazed by what he’s found and naturally he wants to show this rare creature to his drinking buddies. So he captures the centipede and places it carefully in a ventilated box.

Once he gets it home, the guy decides he wants to take the centipede to his local bar immediately. So he taps on the box and says, “Would you like to go to Jimmy’s Bar with me and have a beer?

There’s no answer from the centipede.

The guy waits a few moments and then says, “What do you think? Would you like to go to my local bar and meet my buddies?

Again, there’s no answer.

Thinking the centipede can’t hear him, the man goes right up to the box this time and he yells, “Hey! Would you like to go to Jimmy’s Bar and have a drink with me?

A little voice comes out of the box, “I heard you the first time! I’m still putting my shoes on.

10. Collision Course:

The captain of a large US naval aircraft carrier is on the bridge when on his radar he spots what he believes to be another vessel, with which his ship is now on a collision course.

The captain immediately gets on his open channel radio and says, “This is the USS Pittsburgh and you’re on a collision course with this ship. You must take immediate action and change course.

In response, the captain hears a man with a Spanish accent but speaking perfect English say, “No sir, I’m sorry but it’s your vessel that must change course.

The captain is irritated by this response and says, “This is Captain James Munroe, captain of the USS Pittsburgh, the largest ship in the US fleet. You are a maritime hazard sir and I will report you to the authorities unless you change course now.

There’s silence momentarily and then the captain hears the response, “This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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I hope these funny jokes really made you laugh dear reader.

However perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh? If so click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

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We all lead busy lives but can we be too busy?

Beware the barrenness of a busy life. ~Socrates

We all lead very busy lives; often too busy. We run around focused on our work and have little time for family and friends or for a little bit of ‘me’ time.

Work can take up so much of our time and it’s easy to become completely absorbed by it. The problem is when you miss out on stuff, you miss out and it’s gone forever.

If your child is in the school play and you miss it, you can’t go back and catch it some other time, the opportunity has gone.

The years go by all too quickly. Children grow up fast and then suddenly they become independent and, once that happens they don’t need you anymore.

If you don’t have time for family and friends, eventually they won’t need you anymore either.

If you’re not careful you can be left with nothing.

When you’re on your deathbed you’re unlikely to wish you’d spent more time in the office but you may regret not spending more time with your children.

Work is important of course but nothing is more important than the people that matter most to us. Our loved ones. Always there but often neglected. We think we can do stuff with them some other time, someday. But someday never comes.

Wake up and smell the roses. Your life needs balance, if you’re not to have too many regrets later in life. Work hard by all means but not at the expense of your loved ones. Work matters but people matter more.

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Does enjoying your work matter? Here’s why it should.

For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something. ~Steve Jobs

Does enjoying your work matter? Well, here’s why is should in my opinion.

You’ll only have this one life, so you have to make the most of it.

Life is not a rehearsal. Your backstory might be written in indelible ink but your future is a blank sheet and the good news is that you hold the pen.

You don’t have to accept things the way they are, they can be changed with some effort on your part. It’s never easy of course but it can be done. And if you’re not happy with the way things are then why wouldn’t you want to try to improve your life?

Work is an important part of your life and it absorbs a significant amount of your time each week. So you have to enjoy it and you have to get up in the morning and look forward to what you’ll be doing that day.

Yes it’s true that no one’s working life is always perfect. However the good days should outnumber the bad days by a considerable margin.

Enjoy your work and you will do it well. Hate your work and you can never do it well. And it has to be done well if you want to succeed and maximise your earning potential.

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Wisdom from Self-Made Billionaires

If you want to be successful then it’s a good idea to take every opportunity to learn from successful people. Listen to how they got to where they are and see whether you can apply their techniques to help you get to where you want to go.

Tips on success from self-made people are particularly useful. If people started with little or nothing and became billionaires then these are very savvy people. They know what they’re doing and they have the results to prove their worth.

Personally, I will always listen to successful people because they might say something which will help me along the way.

Here is some wisdom from self-made billionaires that is well worth a few minutes of your time. These are words of wisdom from some of the most financially successful people on the planet.

So there’s lots of great advice and there are plenty of incredible tips for extreme success.

Wisdom from self-made billionaires:

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21 thought-provoking quotes about anxiety

As human beings we struggle to deal with uncertainty because it makes us feel insecure. It’s important to recognise that one of the most fundamental human needs is the need to feel secure.

If we feel insecure we cannot relax because we are on ‘high alert’ all the time to guard against any perceived dangers or undesirable outcomes. This can seriously drain our energy and leave us feeling nervous and low.

Anxiety is a consequence of dealing with uncertainty. It’s the resulting stress on our central nervous system. It’s a deep sense of unease which sufferers experience in relation to something which for whatever reason really bothers them.

Feeling anxious in times of uncertainty is quite natural. Yet it can be difficult to cope with for the sufferer because in the extreme they can experience panic attacks, a heightened sense of nervousness and excessive unease.

These feelings may cause physical symptoms, such as a fast heart rate and shakiness. So it can be an altogether unpleasant experience for the sufferer and not one to be underestimated in terms of the impact it can have on the individual.

Here are 21 thought-provoking quotes about anxiety to help readers better understand how the sufferer is affected.

Quotes about anxiety:

  1. Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows but only empties today of its strength. ~Charles Spurgeon
  2. It is very hard to explain to people who have never known serious depression or anxiety the sheer continuous intensity of it. There is no off switch. ~Matt Haig
  3. There isn’t anybody out there who doesn’t have a mental health issue, whether it’s depression, anxiety, or how to cope with relationships. Having OCD is not an embarrassment anymore – for me. Just know that there is help and your life could be better if you go out and seek the help. ~Howie Mandel
  4. People talk about physical fitness, but mental health is equally important. I see people suffering, and their families feel a sense of shame about it, which doesn’t help. One needs support and understanding. I am now working on an initiative to create awareness about anxiety and depression and help people. ~Deepika Padukone
  5. We all have anxiety about things. We all have little insecurities, but eventually you have to face your fears if you want to be successful, and everybody has some fear of failure. ~Nick Saban
  6. Anxiety is love’s greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic. ~Anais Nin
  7. The truth is that there is no actual stress or anxiety in the world; it’s your thoughts that create these false beliefs. You can’t package stress, touch it, or see it. There are only people engaged in stressful thinking. ~Wayne Dyer
  8. Everyone needs a reset button so you can start your day without anxiety. For some people, it’s running; for some, it’s going to the gym. For me, it’s meditation. ~Matt Bomer
  9. People tend to dwell more on negative things than on good things. So the mind then becomes obsessed with negative things, with judgments, guilt and anxiety produced by thoughts about the future and so on. ~Eckhart Tolle
  10. Happiness is not a brilliant climax to years of grim struggle and anxiety. It is a long succession of little decisions simply to be happy in the moment. ~J. Donald Walters
  11. Physical comforts cannot subdue mental suffering, and if we look closely, we can see that those who have many possessions are not necessarily happy. In fact, being wealthy often brings even more anxiety. ~Dalai Lama
  12. People who fail to use their emotional intelligence skills are more likely to turn to other, less effective means of managing their mood. They are twice as likely to experience anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and even thoughts of suicide. ~Travis Bradberry
  13. The act of birth is the first experience of anxiety and thus the source and prototype of the effect of anxiety. ~Sigmund Freud
  14. For as long as I can remember I have suffered from a deep feeling of anxiety which I have tried to express in my art. ~Edvard Munch
  15. I was about to meet Beyonce and I had a full-blown anxiety attack. Then she popped in looking gorgeous and said, ‘You’re amazing! When I listen to you I feel like I’m listening to God.’ ~Adele
  16. You need to let go of your fear and anxiety of being judged by others. ~Gavin Newsom
  17. I think one thing is that anybody who’s had to contend with mental illness – whether it’s depression, bipolar illness or severe anxiety, whatever – actually has a fair amount of resilience in the sense that they’ve had to deal with suffering already, personal suffering. ~Kay Redfield Jamison
  18. The other thing is that if you rely solely on medication to manage depression or anxiety, for example, you have done nothing to train the mind, so that when you come off the medication, you are just as vulnerable to a relapse as though you had never taken the medication. ~Daniel Goleman
  19. Anxiety is a really crippling condition, and I suffer with it myself, and I feel for anyone who suffers from it. The way that I deal with it is try as much as possible to stay in the moment to not think about the past and not think about what’s coming up in the future: to try and just seize the moment as much as possible. ~James Arthur
  20. Unfortunately, I think depression and anxiety are really hard to live with. And what people don’t need is to feel bad about themselves because they decide to go on medication. ~Rene Russo
  21. This is an anxiety driven world – the whole world is driven by anxiety. It is anxiety about the aftermath of the global financial crisis; it’s anxiety about inequality and about computers replacing jobs. ~Robert J. Shiller

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Tony Robbins: The Power of Belief

Believe you can and you will, or so the saying goes. Then again, believe you can’t and you won’t. You see, the problem is we become what we believe.

Certainly belief can be a powerful force for good. There’s no question about that. However it can also have a negative effect on us too, should we be unwise in the beliefs we choose to accept.

So it’s well worth developing an understanding of how we can harness a belief system that will work for us and help us in achieving a life well-lived.

Now Tony Robbins is always full of great advice and he is widely regarded as one of the best motivational speakers in the world.

I’m a big fan of Tony and I’ve read many of his books and I frequently listen to his inspirational audio programs when I’m driving. If you’re in need of a little inspiration then Tony Robbins is hard to beat, in my opinion.

So I offer you a little inspiration today in the form of the embedded video in which Tony Robbins shares his thoughts on the power of belief.

This video is well worth watching and I suggest you take a few minutes out of your busy schedule now. You’ll find his ideas very useful. Certainly I did.

Power of Belief:

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Tony Robbins: Top 10 Rules For Success

There are plenty of successful people in this world and you can be one of them too. However for many people the difficulty is knowing not only how to get started but also how to keep going when you face the inevitable setbacks along the way.

Well if success is your aim, then a good place to start is to listen to successful people. If they’re successful then clearly they know a thing or two. They’ve been there, read the  book and got the T-shirt. So if their approach worked for them, it might just work for you too. That’s why it’s a good idea to listen and learn from them.

Now Tony Robbins is not only a great coach, he’s also very successful by any measure. So here are his Top 10 Rules for Success.

If you really want success then this video is worth a few minutes of your time. Once again, listen and learn.

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5 of the funniest jokes you’ll read today

1. Fred and Ginger dining out:

Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers were dining out in a very swanky, five star New York City hotel and they’d both made a point of dressing for the occasion.

Ginger looked absolutely stunning is her ball gown and diamond tiara while Fred arrived in his trademark top hat, white tie and tails. They both looked like the million dollar movie stars they were.

All was going well with dinner until they got to dessert. While serving dessert the clumsy waiter managed to trip and Fred was showered from head to toe in treacle pudding.

Oh, I’m most terribly sorry, Mr Astaire,” said the waiter.

Fred was not amused. “So you ought to be,” he said angrily.

Fred sat there fuming as the waiter tried his best to assist.

Look at the state of me now,” said Fred. “I’ve pudding on my top hat; pudding on my white tie; and pudding on my tails.

2. Church on Sunday:

Leaving church one Sunday Bernadette said to her husband Frank, “Do you think Mrs O’Shaughnessy is dying her hair?

To be honest Bernadette, I didn’t even notice Mrs O’Shaughnessy,” Frank responded.

They walked together quietly for a few moments and then Bernadette remarked, “Did you see that skirt Mrs Kilkenny was wearing? Now don’t tell me you thought that was appropriate for a 40 year old mother of six.

I’m afraid I didn’t really notice Mrs Kilkenny either,” said Frank.

Huh!” Bernadette responded dismissively. “A lot of good it does you going to church on Sundays.

3. The will reading:

A lawyer was reading out the will of a wealthy man to his family and everyone mentioned in the document.

To my loving wife Mary, my rock and without whom my life would have been very different, I leave the mansion in Bel-Air and $20 million,” the lawyer read out loud.

He paused momentarily for his audience to digest this information and then he continued reading.

To my darling daughter Louisa who supported me so much when my health began to fail and never once complained, I leave my business, my yacht and $1 million,” said the lawyer.

Again he paused momentarily to allow this information to sink in.

The lawyer then continued reading the final section of the will, “And to my brother Neville who argued with me constantly, hated my guts and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Neville!

4. Engine trouble:

While cruising at 35,000 feet, the aircraft suddenly shuddered violently.

One passenger looked out of the window and then shouted, “Oh my God! One of the engines has just blown up.

The passengers were white with fear when moments later the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as an engine on the opposite side exploded.

Passengers started to panic and the cabin crew struggled to keep order.

However just then the Captain strode confidently from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing about which they should be alarmed.

Reassured by the Captain’s calm manner, passengers returned to their seats and he coolly walked over to the aircraft’s door.

He then grabbed several packages from under the seats near the door and started handing them to the rest of the crew.

Crew members immediately fastened these packages to their backs.

One observant passengers said, “Hey, aren’t they parachutes?

Yes,” said the Captain.

But you said there was no need to be alarmed,” the passenger responded.

There isn’t,” replied the Captain as a third engine suddenly exploded. “We’re going to get help.

5. Cashflow problem at the zoo:

A zoo was experiencing serious cashflow problems due to visitor numbers falling.

The zoo’s management got together to discuss how they could reverse the trend by introducing a major attraction.

Following the meeting the manager persuaded a visitor, who was a very big, stocky man, to take a job dressing up in a gorilla costume and masquerading as a great ape.

This deception worked well as the man really threw himself into the role with enthusiasm; devouring buckets of bananas, swinging from branches, pacing his cage menacingly, beating his chest and roaring loudly.

However one day he went a bit too far and he accidently fell into the lion’s enclosure next door.

Panicking, the bogus gorilla started shouting, “Help! Help!

The lion let out a tremendous roar, then rushed at him. He put his paw on the bogus gorilla’s chest and growled, “Shut up buddy, or we’ll both lose our jobs!

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© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

11 funny quotes about marriage guaranteed to make you smile

A successful marriage can be your greatest investment. It can almost become your biggest nightmare.

Choose your partner wisely and a successful relationship can be yours; fail to choose carefully and it could prove to be painful for all concerned.

Sharing your life with someone else can be a challenge because, as human beings, we’re complex creatures with an ego and a desire to have our own way.

Once married, we often try to continue to live our lives as if we were individuals and we forget that there is at least one other person we must consider, and more if there are children involved.

However recognising a need to compromise and being willing to compromise is not quite the same thing. It takes constant effort but sadly it’s effort that not everyone is willing to expend.

And so there has been much been said in jest about marriage and such comments often underpin a lot of great humour.

Here are eleven very funny quotes about marriage which are guaranteed to raise a smile. If you’re married, or if you’ve been married then you’ll be able to relate to many of these quotes; so enjoy them all.

Funny quotes about marriage:

  1. My wife and I have been married for 47 years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never. ~Jack Benny
  2. If you’re wrong and you shut up, you’re wise. If you’re right and you shut up, you’re married. ~Author Unknown
  3. Listening to your wife is like reading the Terms & Conditions on a website. You understand nothing but you still say, “I agree!” ~Author Unknown
  4. Before marrying someone, you should first make them use a computer with a very slow Internet connection. That way you’ll know who they really are. ~Author Unknown
  5. Marriage Tip #46: Your wife won’t start an argument with you if you’re cleaning. ~Author Unknown
  6. I’ve been married for 20 years but I still carry my husband’s photo in my purse. That way, whenever I face great difficulty, I can look at the photo and remind myself that if I’ve coped with being married to this idiot for so long, I can survive anything. ~Author Unknown
  7. Never laugh at your wife’s choices. After all, you’re one of them. ~Author Unknown
  8. A husband is someone who, having merely taken out the trash, gives the impression that he’s just cleaned the whole house. ~Author Unknown
  9. The five words needed for a successful marriage, “I’m sorry, it’s my fault.” ~Author Unknown
  10. When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad. ~Helen Rowland
  11. Happy wife; happy life. ~Author Unknown

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© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

11 funny quotes about money to make you smile

Money, that’s what I want! And so does everyone else.

It’s a modern obsession. We like to think that it doesn’t matter but it does of course. In the modern world we cannot get far without at least some of it.

We all talk about money and we’re constantly chasing value for money. This is natural of course because our lifestyle such as it is depends on the money we have and the money we earn.

However there’s a slightly absurd and amusing side to it all too. So I thought I’d search out some quotes to explore the funny side of money.

Here are 11 funny quotes about money that made me smile and I hope they brighten your day too.

Funny quotes about money:

  1. A Nillionaire is someone with no money. ~Author Unknown
  2. Due to recent budget cuts the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. ~Author Unknown
  3. Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale. ~Zig Ziglar
  4. My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. ~Author Unknown
  5. Whoever said money can’t buy happiness doesn’t know where to shop. ~Author Unknown
  6. They say money talks and perhaps it does, but mine just says goodbye. ~Author Unknown
  7. Where does money go? Hokus, pokus and then I’m brokus. ~Author Unknown
  8. Always borrow money from a pessimist because they don’t expect to get it back. ~Oscar Wilde
  9. Money may not buy happiness but if you’re going to cry it’s better to do it in a Mercedes or BMW. ~Author Unknown
  10. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s in the sale. ~Author Unknown
  11. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. ~Lana Turner

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