Roy Sutton - Wit and Wisdom

15 Quotes by Steve Jobs

May 27, 2018 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

Steve Jobs was an American entrepreneur and best known as the driving force behind the success of Apple Inc. Together with Steve Wozniak, he was a pioneer of the microcomputer revolution of the 1970s and 1980s.

Famously he dropped out of college and proved, if proof were needed, that you don’t necessarily need qualifications or a college Degree to make an impact and leave a genuine legacy to the world.

What you need is passion and a desire to do something well and to do it better than everyone else. And Steve Jobs had that in spades.

Sadly Steve Jobs died, far too early, at age 56 on October 5, 2011. His death being due to respiratory arrest related to the pancreatic neuroendocrine tumour for which he was being treated at the time.

However his influence on business and technology was enormous and his ideas resonate with people to this day.

In my opinion, he was one of life’s great thinkers and I think his views on life and work are worth reflecting on.

So here are 15 quotes by Steve Jobs which I think are worth a few minutes of your time.

Read them; reflect on them. And then consider your life and where you’re going. Are you living your life with passion or are you just going through the motions?

As Steve Jobs implied, our time is precious. We must live our own lives our own way. And we cannot be defined by how other people think we should be. We must be ourselves.

Stay hungry, stay foolish. ~Steve Jobs
I want to put a ding in the universe. ~Steve Jobs
We’re just enthusiastic about what we do. ~Steve Jobs
Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. ~Steve Jobs
My favourite things in life don’t cost any money. It’s really clear that the most precious resource we all have is time. ~Steve Jobs
We hire people who want to make the best things in the world. ~Steve Jobs
Being the richest man in the cemetery doesn’t matter to me. Going to bed at night saying we’ve done something wonderful, that’s what matters to me. ~Steve Jobs
Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. ~Steve Jobs
You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life. ~Steve Jobs
That’s been one of my mantras – focus and simplicity. Simple can be harder than complex: You have to work hard to get your thinking clean to make it simple. But it’s worth it in the end because once you get there, you can move mountains. ~Steve Jobs
For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: ‘If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?’ And whenever the answer has been ‘No’ for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something. ~Steve Jobs
Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. ~Steve Jobs
I didn’t see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life. ~Steve Jobs
I think money is a wonderful thing because it enables you to do things. It enables you to invest in ideas that don’t have a short-term payback. ~Steve Jobs
As individuals, people are inherently good. I have a somewhat more pessimistic view of people in groups. And I remain extremely concerned when I see what’s happening in our country, which is in many ways the luckiest place in the world. We don’t seem to be excited about making our country a better place for our kids. ~Steve Jobs

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15 Witty Quotes That Will Make Anyone Smile

May 26, 2018 by Roy Sutton 1 Comment

Posts which include something to make readers smile always get a good response. So here are 15 witty quotes which are razor sharp and at least a few of them should brighten your day.

This is the latest in a collection of witty quotes put together in response to requests from readers for a little levity to break up the otherwise gloomy news which seems to be part of our lives today.

So go on have a laugh right now and enjoy them all.

Today’s Quotes:

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it. ~Mae West
When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’. ~Groucho Marx
Never put off till tomorrow what may be done the day after tomorrow just as well. ~Mark Twain
Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. ~Robert A. Heinlein
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability. ~Oscar Wilde
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ~W.C. Fields
My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best. ~Winston S. Churchill
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. ~George Burns
Two wrongs don’t make a right but they do make a good excuse. ~Thomas Szasz
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. ~A.A. Milne
If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign? ~Laurence J. Peter
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. ~W.C. Fields
Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away. ~Paul Terry
When you’re courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. ~Albert Einstein
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? ~George Carlin

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Short Story Jokes: Here are 5 more to brighten your day

May 25, 2018 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

1. Gimme a beer:

A man walks into a bar in Downtown Manhattan and says to the bartender, “Gimme a beer before the problems start!“

The man then downs the beer in one before asking the bartender for another, once again saying, “Gimme a beer before the problems start!“

Naturally the bartender is a little wary of this guy but he pours him another beer nevertheless.

This goes on for a while, each time with the guy saying, “Gimme a beer before the problems start!“

After the fifth beer the bartender is really becoming bewildered by this guy’s approach, so he asks, “Hey buddy, when are you going to pay for all these beers?“

To which the guy responds, “This is where the problems start!“

2. Twin boys:

A young woman has twin boys but is forced sadly to give them up for adoption.

One boy is adopted by a family in Morocco and they name him Amal.

The other boy goes to a family in Spain and they name him Juan.

Many years later the woman receives a letter from Juan which includes a recent photograph of him.

As she’s looking at the photograph the woman says tearfully to her husband, “Oh, how I wish I had a photograph of Amal too.”

To which her husband responds, ”They’re twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

3. There’s always one:

A bus completely full with passengers crashes on an icy road and bursts into flames. Sadly everyone on the bus is killed instantly in the crash.

When they all arrive at the Pearly Gates the passengers are met by God, which is an unusual precedent but these were tragic circumstances. The situation is well above St Peter’s pay grade.

As the passengers form an orderly queue, God says, “Since you all died in such a tragic way, I’m here to grant each of you one wish before you enter the Kingdom of Heaven.“

The woman at the head of the line’s obviously concerned about her looks, and she says to God “I wish to be beautiful.“

God smiles, grants the wish and instantly she is truly beautiful.

The next woman hesitates momentarily but then she decides to wish for the same thing.

Once again God smiles, grants the wish and instantly she is also truly very beautiful.

Whilst all this is going on, a guy at the back of the queue starts to laugh.

Two more women, on seeing how beautiful their two fellow passengers have become, also wish to become beautiful.

God smiles again, their wishes are granted and they too are now very beautiful.

By now the guy at the end of the line is laughing even louder.

Nevertheless one after another, the deceased passengers all request the same wish.

However with each wish granted the guy at the end of the line, seems to laugh even harder.

Finally it’s this guy’s turn to request his wish when God asks, “My son, what’s your wish?”

To which the guy responds, “Make them all ugly again!“

Moral of the Story: There’s always someone determined to ruin it for everyone else.

4. The problem with getting old:

An 85-year-old man was asked by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical examination.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.“

The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it had been on the previous day.

Naturally the doctor inquired as to what happened.

“Well doctor,” the old man explained, “it was like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, still nothing. Then I asked my wife. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, and still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, still nothing. We even called up Maggie, the lady next door. She tried with both hands, followed by her armpit. She even tried squeezing it between her knees. However still nothing.“

Looking shocked the doctor said, “You asked a neighbour?“

To which the old man replied, “Yes but none of us could get the lid off the jar.“

5. Swapping places:

One day, Einstein had to speak at an important science conference.

Now Einstein’s driver Tom looked remarkably like him, a fact of which Einstein was well aware.

In the car on the way to the conference Einstein said, “You know Tom, I’m sick of speaking at conferences. I just say the same things over and over!“

Tom smiled and said, “You’re right. I’ve attended all of them with you and even though I’m not a scientist, I’m sure I could give the conference in your place.“

“Now that’s a great idea Tom!” said Einstein. “Let’s switch places.“

So they immediately switch clothes, Einstein hands Tom his notes and when they arrive at the conference, Tom goes on stage and he starts giving the speech.

Meanwhile dressed in the driver’s uniform, Einstein sits at the side of the stage.

Unfortunately lurking in the audience is one scientist who is determined to impress everyone by asking a difficult question he hopes Einstein will not be able to answer.

When he gets his chance, this guy seizes the moment and interrupts the conference with his very difficult question.

It’s a real curved ball and the audience knows it. The whole room is silent, holding their breath, waiting for Einstein’s response. You could hear a pin drop.

However Tom has been around the block a few times and he wasn’t easily fazed.

He looked the guy dead in the eye, smiled at him and said, “Sir, to demonstrate how easy to answer your question is, I will let my driver reply to it for me.“

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7 inspirational quotes about humor

May 24, 2018 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

Humor is the most powerful medicine known to man [and woman].

Humor is a cure for so many ills. It doesn’t matter how bad you feel, a good laugh can really make you feel so much better.

In all humor there is an underlying germ of truth. It is poking fun at the truth that makes us laugh.

However for those on the receiving end, humor can sometimes hurt. Having a good laugh at someone else’s expense can only ever be acceptable if they too can see the funny side.

So be careful with your attempts at humor. Be kind and be mindful of the sensibilities of other people.

Banter and mild leg-pulling is fine but overdo it and it can quickly turn into bullying.

Have a good laugh whenever possible. However make sure someone else doesn’t have to pay an unacceptable price for your laughter.

Here are seven inspirational quotes about humor to reinforce today’s message.

Quotes About Humor:

A day without laughter is a day wasted. ~Charlie Chaplin
Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else. ~Will Rogers
There’s a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. ~Erma Bombeck
I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person. ~Audrey Hepburn
I realize that humor isn’t for everyone. It’s only for people who want to have fun, enjoy life, and feel alive. ~Anne Wilson Schaef
Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keeps friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment. ~Grenville Kleiser
Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else’s expense. And I find that that’s just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else’s feelings. ~Ellen DeGeneres

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7 inspirational quotes about dreams

May 23, 2018 by Roy Sutton

Dreams are so important. Those dreams we have, particularly when we’re young, about what we could be as individuals and what our lives could be too.

Yet how many young people are discouraged from pursuing their dreams?

Maybe you’ve had this experience. You go to your careers officer in High School and you explain that your ambition is to be an actor, a footballer, a photographer or whatever. They listen politely and they tell you to be ‘more realistic’.

The received wisdom is always along the lines of “Oh, football is a tough profession; you might not make it. Have you thought about becoming an electrician?” For football you can substitute music, acting, theatre, writing or any number of jobs people dream about building their lives around.

In short, youthful dreams are often crushed before they can even see the light of day. How sad is that?

It’s true, you might not make it but it’s better to try and fail than to spend your life wondering what might have been.

The beauty of being young is that for most people, you have plenty of time to try things, make a few mistakes and learn from your experiences, until eventually you find that thing that works for you and where you can really make a difference.

We only get one life, so we have to live it on our own terms.

We need a vision of what our own lives could be and then we have to live life with passion and enthusiasm in pursuit of our dreams, making the most of every minute.

Life is short, so we cannot afford to live our lives based on someone else’s idea of what will work for us.

We must identify what it is we want in life and then we have to go out there and get it if we can. And we have to keep on trying and refining our approach as we go.

Never let other people discourage you. And never accept an answer unless it’s the one you want.

Remember this; always trust your instincts.

If you feel you can do it then have a go. It doesn’t matter whether other people think you can do it, as long as you believe you can do it.

Of course the converse applies as well. If it feels wrong to you then that is probably true too.

Here are seven inspirational quotes about dreams to help you think about today’s underlying message.

Quotes About Dreams:

Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe. ~Gail Devers
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. ~Eleanor Roosevelt
You have to dream before your dreams can come true. ~APJ Abdul Kalam
All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them. ~Walt Disney
A dream doesn’t become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard work. ~Colin Powell
Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world. ~Harriet Tubman
We all have dreams. But in order to make dreams come into reality, it takes an awful lot of determination, dedication, self-discipline, and effort. ~Jesse Owens

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7 inspirational quotes about business

May 22, 2018 by Roy Sutton

If you want to get seriously rich then having your own business is probably the best way, if not the only way to do it.

Certainly that would be true for most people. Unless you’re a Hollywood A-lister, an investment banker on Wall Street or a top player in the NFL, the English Premier League or the Indian Premier League. Otherwise very few jobs would provide you with the means for getting rich.

However business is not for the faint-hearted.

You’ll need to think big and you must be prepared to take calculated risks. You must also be prepared to work very hard if you’re to succeed in business.

There is no such thing as easy money. Your business must add value to peoples’ lives.

Adding value means offering customers products which provide them with real solutions to their problems.

You must offer good customer service too.

Great products and exceptional customer service will certainly attract customers but the other key ingredient for business success is to manage money carefully, particularly when it comes to costs.

Money will flow into your business and money will flow out too. The trick is to make sure that MONEY IN always exceeds MONEY OUT.

Get it the other way round for too long and your business will go bust.

Business success can be yours but you have to be serious about it and you have to be very professional too. That said, it can be done and people do. And if other people can do it, so can you.

Here are seven inspirational quotes about business to help you think about it.

Quotes About Business:

A satisfied customer is the best business strategy of all. ~Michael LeBoeuf
There is only one boss; the customer. And he [or she] can fire everybody in the company from the chairman on down, simply by spending his [or her] money somewhere else. ~Sam Walton
There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure. ~Colin Powell
The secret of business is to know something that nobody else knows. ~Aristotle Onassis
Profit in business comes from repeat customers, customers that boast about your project or service, and that bring friends with them. ~W Edwards Deming
If you don’t drive your business, you will be driven out of business. ~BC Forbes
An organization, no matter how well designed, is only as good as the people who live and work in it. ~Dee Hock

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21 thought-provoking quotes about being different

May 21, 2018 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

Anyone who has ever tried to be different will know how hard it can be to be accepted by others.

The human condition has a fundamental need to feel secure and people who are not a reflection of ourselves can make us feel insecure.

So being different is a tough gig. However there’s a lot to be said for standing out in the crowd. As the Arab proverb suggests, “be contrary; be known.”

For every reader who likes to stand out in the crowd, here are 21 thought-provoking quotes about being different.

Today’s Quotes:

Never be afraid to be different. An original is more valuable than a copy. ~Roy Sutton
When you’re the only sane person, you look like the only insane person. ~Criss Jami
So you’re a little weird? Work it! A little different? Own it! Better to be a nerd than one of the herd! ~Mandy Hale
To be successful one has to be one of three bees; the queen bee, the hardest working bee, or the bee that does not fit in. ~Suzy Kassem
When you do something different, you are either blessed or cursed. ~Mehmet Murat ildan
Everybody wants to make a difference, but nobody is willing to be different. ~Andy Andrews
Tell them a lie big enough and they’ll worship you as a sage. Tell them a truth big enough and they’ll mock you. ~Abhijit Naskar
The person who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The person who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever seen before. ~Albert Einstein
We spend so long trying to be what other people want, that when we look in the mirror, we see a stranger. ~Anthony T. Hincks
We must never be afraid to be a sign of contradiction for the world. ~Mother Teresa
Ordinary people are products of their environment and fit in. Artists transcend their environment and stand out. ~Oliver Gaspirtz
Being different and thinking different makes a person unforgettable. History does not remember the forgettable. ~Suzy Kassem
A person who is truly cool is a work of art. And remember, original works of art cost exponentially higher than imitations. Just take a look at the coolest people in history. They will always be a part of history for being extremely original individuals, not imitations. ~Suzy Kassem
Go ahead and be ordinary. Eccentricity is extraordinary. ~ JT Sanz
When you want to do something that isn’t the ‘norm’ you will be made to feel like you have a problem and if you hear it often enough then you start to believe it too. ~Radhika Vaz
Strategy is about making choices; it’s about deliberately choosing to be different. ~Michael Porter
I’m different than everyone else because everyone else is not me. ~ Julian Aguilar
The psychology of individual creativity is about at least three different things. First, creativity is about thinking differently. Second, creativity is about feeling differently. Third, creativity is about focusing, or committing, differently. ~Max McKeown
The beauty of life is to be different. Set yourself apart from the crowd, and flourish into the person you were meant to be. ~Julian Aguilar
Originality is the key to being memorable. ~Suzy Kassem
About Differences: Those who would believe in a higher power by whatever name must also believe that same higher power made all things. On that basis, people of good character will recognize that some people are different from ourselves, in colour, gender, speech, opinion, lifestyle, and in other ways. Different is not an evaluation. As I taught my children while they were growing up, “Different is only different.” Celebrate differences for therein lies the basis for much of what we learn in life. ~James Osborne

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15 Quotes by Gandhi

May 20, 2018 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

Mahatma Gandhi was an inspiration to millions of people and he was one of the most important figures of the 20th century. His philosophy continues to resonate with us even today. So here are 15 quotes by Gandhi all of which will get you reflecting on life and its meaning.

Gandhi led a life consistent with his philosophy and that is why he inspired so many generations and it’s why he continues to do that now. He was a role model in his day and he remains a role model to us all now. Few people truly make their mark in life but certainly Gandhi did.

The future depends on what you do today. ~Mahatma Gandhi
We will become who we are meant to become. ~Mahatma Gandhi
Whatever you believe about yourself on the inside is what you will manifest on the outside. ~Mahatma Gandhi
Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. ~Mahatma Gandhi
It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver. ~Mahatma Gandhi
It is my conviction that nothing enduring can be built on violence. ~Mahatma Gandhi
I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet. ~Mahatma Gandhi
You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty. ~Mahatma Gandhi
The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others. ~Mahatma Gandhi
Even if you are a minority of one, the truth is still the truth. ~Mahatma Gandhi
Any eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind. ~Mahatma Gandhi
It has always been a mystery to me how men can feel themselves honoured by the humiliation of their fellow beings. ~Mahatma Gandhi
An ounce of practice is worth more than tons of preaching. ~Mahatma Gandhi
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. ~Mahatma Gandhi
You can chain me, you can torture me, you can even destroy this body, but you will never imprison my mind. ~Mahatma Gandhi

Finally, and in addition to his many inspiring quotes, Mahatma Gandhi is known for his fundamental rules for changing the world. So they are included here to help you make your mark on this life dear reader.

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21 Witty One Liners

May 19, 2018 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

Now do you fancy a bit of a laugh?

Would you like something to make you smile?

You’d love a laugh but you don’t have the time to enjoy anything too long? Well fear not. It’s important you make at least a little time for a laugh. It will make you feel so much better.

So here are 21 witty one liners guaranteed to make you smile. They made me smile and I’m confident that at least a few of them will brighten your day too.

If you enjoy a laugh which is concise and razor-sharp then this collection of witty one liners is just for you dear reader. So go on have a laugh right now and enjoy them all.

I think the worst thing about driving a time machine will be your kids in the back always moaning ‘Are we then yet?‘ ~Paul F Taylor
If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.” ~Ian Smith
Crime in multi-storey car parks? That’s wrong on so many different levels. ~Tim Vine
As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog. ~Gary Delaney
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. ~Nick Helm
I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe
Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~Jordan Brookes
One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, ‘Ah well, you only live once’. ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger. ~Nick Hall
If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late. ~Joel Dommett
People say I’ve got no willpower but I’ve quit smoking loads of times. ~Kai Humphries (2014)
My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be’. ~Paul McCaffrey
It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel
I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’. ~Paddy Lennox
Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him’. ~Carey Marx
What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed ~Josie Long
I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara. ~Olaf Falafel
Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge? ~Dan Antolpolski

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Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

5 entertaining short story jokes that will tickle you

May 18, 2018 by Roy Sutton Leave a Comment

1. Emily and the Apache Woman

Emily was driving in her Chevrolet Bolt along the Interstate 17 in Arizona, on her way home to Phoenix.

Suddenly she saw a poor, elderly Apache woman walking very slowly along the side of the highway.

Recognising that this situation was quite dangerous and feeling sorry for the poor woman, Emily pulled over and offered her a lift.

The Apache woman nodded silently in appreciation and climbed into the car.

Naturally Emily tried to engage her in conversation but initially the Apache woman remained silent and she seemed a bit nervous.

However as they progressed along the highway towards Phoenix the woman eventually started to relax a little and then she started to look around.

The old woman was looking closely at everything in the car, apparently studying every detail. Then she noticed a pale blue gift bag on the rear seat behind Emily.

“What’s in the bag?” she asked Emily, almost whispering.

“Oh,” Emily responded warmly, “it’s a bottle of Whiskey that I got for my husband.”

The Apache woman remained silent momentarily and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of someone who’s been around the block a few times, she smiled and said, “Good trade.”

2. The Naughty Boys

Charlotte had two young boys, Jack and Harry.

Jack and Harry were two young kids who were always getting themselves into trouble. If there was any mischief happening anywhere in their town, then usually Jack and Harry were involved and Charlotte knew this.

Naturally her boys’ wayward behaviour was a concern for Charlotte and it was an issue she was keen to resolve.

One day Charlotte read an article in the local newspaper about a clergyman in town who’d been very successful in disciplining young boys and improving their behaviour.

So Charlotte phoned the clergyman and asked him if he would speak with her boys.

The clergyman said he was happy to help but he was quick to stress that it was important that he see each of them separately.

So Charlotte decided to send young Harry to see the clergyman in the morning, with his elder brother Jack to follow in the afternoon.

The clergyman was an enormous man with a stern face and a big, booming voice.

He instructed Harry to sit down and then he asked him sternly, “Where is God?“

The clergyman’s approach scared the life out of Harry. His mouth dropped open but fear prevented him from speaking. He just sat there wide-eyed, with his mouth hanging open.

So the clergyman repeated the question but this time with an even sterner tone. “Where is God?” he said.

Again Harry made no attempt to respond. He was too scared.

So this time the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the Harry’s face, bellowing, “WHERE IS GOD?“

That was it for Harry. He jumped up from his chair, screamed and ran out of the room and all the way home. He didn’t stop running until he got to his own bedroom and then he hid in his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When Jack found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened dude?“

Still gasping for breath, Harry replied, “Dude, we are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think WE did it!“

3. The Test Results

John had been undergoing tests for a serious health concern for several weeks. Finally it was the day for him to receive his test results.

So he was sitting in his doctor’s office and he said, “Doc, I really need to know my test results! Not knowing is driving me crazy.“

His doctor reviewed at his notes again and then said, “Well John, there’s some good news and some bad news I’m afraid. Which one do you want first?”

To which John replied, “I think I’d prefer the good news first. Yeah Doc, let me have the good news first!”

“Well,” said the doctor, “I hear there are some amazing deals on cremations this week.“

4. A man and his Ostrich

A guy walks into a New York diner with an ostrich.

They both sit down at the counter and after a few moments the waitress asks them whether they’re ready to order.

“Yes,” said the guy, “I’ll have a cheeseburger with fries and a Coke.”

He then looks at the ostrich and says, “What are you having?“

“The same,” says the ostrich.

About ten minutes later the waitress returns with their order and then says. “That’ll be $22.00 please.“

The man reaches into his pocket and, without even looking he pulls out the exact amount of money for payment.

The next day, the same guy and his ostrich return and once again the guy says, “I’ll have a cheeseburger with fries and a Coke please.“

And once again the ostrich says, “The same.“

Once again when their order arrives, the guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount of money to settle the bill.

This goes on for a few days and is becoming a routine, when one night they enter the diner and the waitress asks, “The usual?“

“No,” said the guy “as it’s Friday I’ll have a T-bone steak with a baked potato, a green salad and a glass of Merlot.”

“Same for me,” said the ostrich.

The waitress brings the order and then says, “That’ll be $53.00.”

Once again the guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount of money to pay the bill.

At this point the waitress is unable to suppress her curiosity any longer and she says to the guy, “Excuse me sir. How is it you always manage to pull from your pocket the exact amount of money? You do it every time.”

“Well,” said the guy, “several years ago I was cleaning my attic and I found an old oil lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and granted me two wishes.”

“Really?” said the waitress. “And what did you wish for?”

“Well my first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the exact amount of money would always be there,” said the guy.

“Now that’s brilliant!” the waitress responded. “Most people would wish for like a million dollars or something but you’ll always be as rich as you need to be for as long as you live!“

“That’s right,” said the guy. “Whether I’m buying a pitcher of beer or a Bugatti Chiron, the exact amount of money will always be there.”

The waitress was clearly impressed but still a little curious.

“So what’s with the ostrich then?” she enquired.

The guy sighs and then says, “Well, my second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.“

The waitress smiled at him and said, “Be careful what you wish for, hey?”

5. The Frog and the Fortune Teller

A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out whether he’ll ever meet his princess.

The fortune teller looks into her crystal ball for a few moments and then says to the frog, “Well I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?“

“Let me have the good news first,” said the frog.

“Well, you’re going to meet the most beautiful girl in the world,” said the fortune teller. “She will be interested in you and she will want to know all about you. In fact she will want you to open up for her and you will give her your heart.“

“That sounds fantastic,” said the frog, “but what’s the bad news then?“

“You’re going to meet her in her Biology class,” replied the fortune teller.

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