5 funny story jokes that’ll make you chuckle

06/04/2024 by

If you’re looking for funny story jokes, I’ve got five little gems for you today.

So grab a coffee, and then take a few moments to enjoy them all.

And please feel free to pass them on.

Funny Story Jokes:

1. How to impress the girl of your dreams:

Young Josh is a 16-year-old, shy and socially awkward guy constantly dreaming of dating a girl, like many young men of his age.

As luck would have it, the real object of his affection lives right next door to him. Her name’s Charlene, she’s slim, attractive, cultured, and perfectly poised.

However, poor Josh is a little too bashful to engage her in conversation.

Nevertheless, that doesn’t stop him from watching her dreamily from his bedroom window as she wanders across her yard each morning.

One day Josh’s father notices him watching Charlene from his bedroom window.

“Josh, if you like the girl, why not say hello to her?” says his dad.

“Oh, Dad, I’m not very good at talking to girls, I never quite know what to say to them,”  Josh responds.

“Look, son,”  says his dad, “girls just like you to take an interest in them and what they’ve been doing. Just ask her about what she’s been doing.”

The following day, Josh sees Charlene wander across her yard, heading towards the john at the end of her garden.

Desperate to impress her and thinking he’s spotted an ideal opportunity to follow his dad’s advice, Josh rushes outside to catch her attention as she returns to the house.

Encouraged when Charlene flashes him a smile, Josh is convinced that this is his opportunity to impress her.

And then he hears himself say, “Been taking a dump then, Charlene?”

2. The man and the penguins:

Police officer Maguire is sitting in his patrol car by the side of the freeway when he sees a guy drive past him in a pickup truck full of penguins.

With blue lights flashing, Officer Maguire chases after the pickup truck and pulls the guy over.

“Sir, you do know that penguins are a protected species, and you can’t drive them around like this in this town?” says Officer Maguire. “I suggest you take them to the zoo.”

Having given the guy a polite warning, Officer Maguire then lets him go on his way.

The very next day, Officer Maguire is in his patrol car again when he sees the same man still driving around with the penguins, and this time they’re all wearing sunglasses.

So Officer Maguire pulls the guy over again and says, “Hey buddy, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo yesterday.”

“I did,”  the man replies, “and today I’m taking them to the beach.”

3. All rise:

Jim is up in court, charged with a series of misdemeanours.

Now, Jim feels he’s been unfairly treated, and when the judge rules against him, he cannot contain his anger any longer.

“You, sir, are a moron!” shouts Jim as the judge passes judgement.

Well, the judge is not amused and says, “For contempt of court, you’re fined $250; that’s $50 for each of those words you shouted.”

Jim gets out his wallet, and he’s checking its contents when the judge says, “You don’t have to pay the fine right now; you can hand the money to the clerk as you leave the court.”

Jim looks up, and, in response, says, “I wasn’t trying to pay you, sir; I was checking to see whether I had enough money to tell you what I really think of you.”

4. Strange sounds:

Did you know that when Beethoven sadly passed away, his body was buried in a church graveyard, as was common in those days?

A few days later, a couple of drunken youths were staggering through this graveyard late at night when they heard strange noises emanating from the plot where Beethoven had been buried.

Shaken by what they had heard, the youths ran to the priest to tell him about their experience.

The priest listened to them sympathetically and said, “Let’s go together to Beethoven’s grave, and I’ll hear it for myself.”

When they arrived at the plot, the priest listened carefully, and he could hear some faint, unrecognized music coming from the grave.

Well, even the priest was terrified by this experience, and he ran to the town’s mayor.

The mayor accompanied the priest back to the grave, where he could listen for himself.

As they stood by the grave, the mayor could hear Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony being played backwards.

Puzzled by this, he continued to listen, only to hear the Eighth Symphony played backwards, followed by the Seventh Symphony, the Sixth Symphony, The Fifth Symphony and so on, all played backwards.

The mayor stood there momentarily puzzled by this experience, and then he turned to the priest and said, “It’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”

5. Children and their teacher:

It’s the end of the school year, and the popular kindergarten teacher is receiving gifts from the children in her class.

She asks them to bring their gift to the front, one at a time.

First up is the florist’s son. He proudly hands her his neatly wrapped gift, and she thanks him and smiles.

She then gives the gift a little shake, holds it above her head momentarily, and then says, “I bet I know what this is. Some flowers?”

“That’s right,”  says the boy, “but how did you know?“

“Oh, it’s just a lucky guess,”  says the teacher.

The next child to offer a gift is the sweet shop owner’s daughter.

Once again, the teacher gives the gift a little shake, holds it above her head momentarily, and then says, “I bet I know what this is. It’s a box of sweets.“

“That’s right,”  says the little girl, “but how did you know?“

“Oh, it’s just a lucky guess,”  says the teacher.

The next child to offer a gift is the son of the liquor store owner.

As before, the teacher holds the gift-wrapped package above her head momentarily, but it’s leaking.

So she touches a drop of the slightly yellow liquid with her finger and then touches her finger on her tongue.

“Is it a Chardonnay?” asks the teacher.

“No!” the boy replies, a little excited in anticipation of her response.

Once again, the teacher touches the leaking, yellow liquid with her finger and then touches her finger on her tongue.

“Perhaps it’s Champagne?” she suggests.

“No!” the boy replies, with even more excitement than before.

So the teacher has one more quick taste of the liquid before saying, “Alright then, I give up, you’ve got me on his one. What is it?”

With a beaming smile and great excitement, the boy says, “It’s a puppy!“

Please share the fun:

So for you, dear reader, did these funny story jokes make you laugh?

I hope so. However, there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read, then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share it now, I would be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

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31 funny puns that are very cheesy but very amusing

05/25/2024 by

Funny PunsDo you like funny puns, dear reader? I hope so because I’ve put together a collection of 31 of them just for you.

Personally, I love funny puns and clever wordplay. Witty one-liners like this make me smile every time. Today’s collection is no exception.

I loved them all and I hope you will too. So take a moment, relax and enjoy them.

Funny Puns (1-20):

  1. Marriage proposals are so engaging.
  2. I had a pizza joke, but it was too cheesy. 
  3. What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.
  4. The invention of the wheel really got things rolling.
  5. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? She was feline fine!
  6. What do you call a mean Egyptian ruler? Unpharaoh.
  7. Cleaning mirrors is a job I can really see myself doing.
  8. A man was accidentally buried alive. It was a grave mistake. 
  9. I went to buy 6 cans of Sprite, but I accidentally picked 7 up.
  10. Why did the chicken go to the seance? To cross to the other side. 
  11. Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me. 
  12. Why does it cost so much to put air in tyres these days? Inflation.
  13. The invention of drones has given us a new perspective on things.
  14. Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.
  15. I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift, but I couldn’t find a manual.
  16. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
  17. A physicist and a biologist had a relationship, but there was no chemistry.
  18. The first time I used an elevator it was really uplifting, then it let me down.
  19. I broke my finger at work today, but on the other hand, everything’s okay.
  20. Police were called to childcare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Funny Puns (21-31):

  1. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
  2. Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
  3. I was fired from my job at the keyboard factory for not putting in enough shifts.
  4. I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
  5. Two plates are sitting on a table. One says to the other, “Tonight, dinner is on me.”
  6. If Americans switched from pounds to kilos overnight, there would be mass confusion.
  7. Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
  8. I’m managing my kleptomania pretty well. Whenever it gets bad, I take something for it.
  9. My girlfriend really changed when she became a vegan. It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
  10. My girlfriend says she’s been suffering from migraines for a long time, but I think it’s all in her head.
  11. Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now when you mention botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.

Please share this post with your friends:

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When you share, everyone wins.

So please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you.

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15 amusing quotes by Mae West to make you smile

05/23/2024 by

Mae West was one of the most controversial movie stars of her day, making comedy out of the prudish, conventional mores of her era. And those Depression-era audiences loved her for it.

Born Mary Jane West in Brooklyn, New York in 1893 she was an actress, singer, playwright, screenwriter, comedian and sex symbol whose entertainment career spanned seven decades.

Some might dismiss her for her light-hearted bawdy double entendres and breezy sexual independence but she knew what she was doing and she was clearly very smart.

She was a woman who lived life on her own terms and in that sense she was way ahead of her time.

Asked about the various efforts to impede her career, Mae West replied, “I believe in censorship. I made a fortune out of it.”

Here are 15 quotes by Mae West, many of which I’m sure will make you smile.

Quotes by Mae West:

  1. A dame that knows the ropes isn’t likely to get tied up. ~Mae West
  2. I used to be Snow White but I drifted. ~Mae West
  3. Too much of a good thing can be wonderful. ~Mae West
  4. To err is human but it feels divine. ~Mae West
  5. I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it. ~Mae West
  6. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. ~Mae West
  7. You only live once but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
  8. Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. ~Mae West
  9. I never loved another person the way I loved myself. ~Mae West
  10. He who hesitates is a damned fool. ~Mae West
  11. Virtue has its own reward, but no sale at the box office. ~Mae West
  12. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. ~Mae West
  13. When I’m good, I’m very good but when I’m bad I’m better. ~Mae West
  14. I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure. ~Mae West
  15. Marriage is a great institution but I’m not ready for an institution. ~Mae West

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you find these quotes by Mae West amusing?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If that is the case then please share this post with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

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21 Quotes by Jay Leno that are quite amusing

05/22/2024 by

Funnyman Jay Leno is one of American television’s biggest personalities and he is recognised as a major star around the world.

Born James Douglas Muir Leno in New Rochelle, New York, he’s a comedian, actor, writer and producer, as well as a television host best known for his years hosting The Tonight Show with Jay Leno from 1992–2009.

Quick with a joke or a funny quip he always made me smile. So today I thought I’d explore some of his wit and wisdom.

And let’s face it wisdom is always at the heart of every witty quote.

So here are 21 quotes by Jay Leno to brighten your day.

Quotes by Jay Leno (1-11):

  1. Politics is just show business for ugly people.
  2. You’re not famous until my mother has heard of you.
  3. You can’t stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.
  4. The best way to ruin a comedy is to throw a lot of money at it.
  5. If I have one advantage, it’s that I will try to work harder than the next guy.
  6. People don’t mind if you have a lot of money if they know you’re working for it.
  7. In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we’re doing anonymously.
  8. Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
  9. New Year’s Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot unless, of course, those tests come back positive.
  10. The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
  11. I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you’re not the best, so you should work a little harder.

Quotes by Jay Leno (12-21):

  1. If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
  2. Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.
  3. The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.
  4. For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn’t that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you’re average – hey, let’s get a pizza!
  5. Magic Johnson, a former basketball player, may run for mayor of L.A. in the next election. Remember the good ole days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers?
  6. Nineteen per cent of doctors say that they’d be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.
  7. The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don’t want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they’ll just be known as the Bullets.
  8. I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, ‘I’d like some fries.’ The girl at the counter said, ‘Would you like some fries with that?’ 
  9. The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
  10. The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it – they’re the ones falling down the most.

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Did you find these quotes by Jay Leno interesting and amusing?

You did? I hope so anyway.

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25 contenders for the best one-liners of all time

05/15/2024 by

Do you enjoy a witty one-liner, dear reader? Well, I’ve been searching for some contenders for the best one-liners of all time.

Today I’ve put together a batch of 25, that I hope you’ll enjoy.

They all made me smile, and I hope they’ll make you smile too.

So take a moment to enjoy them, and then please pass them on.

Best one-liners of all time (1-15):

  1. I’m not fat. I’m just easier to see.
  2. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
  3. Becoming a vegan is a big missed steak.
  4. My boss said, have a good day. So I went home.
  5. A clean desk is a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
  6. For maximum attention, nothing beats saying something stupid.
  7. I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
  8. Why is it that everyone seems normal until you get to know them?
  9. How is it that I always seem to buy plants without the will to live?
  10. The importance of teamwork is that there’s always someone else to blame.
  11. We must support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
  12. One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
  13. Why do we refer to the day we do all our household chores as a day off?
  14. The other man’s grass may be greener, but at least you don’t have to mow it.
  15. If we’re not supposed to eat at night, why’s there a light in the refrigerator?

Best one-liners of all time (16-25):

  1. Wise people learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us are the others.
  2. Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realising that the other person’s an idiot.
  3. An optimist believes that the world couldn’t be better. A pessimist is afraid that might be true.
  4. It’s funny when someone says we need to talk, but what they mean is, you need to listen.
  5. Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men actually spend thinking.
  6. Living in the 21st century is a bizarre experience. Our priority now is deleting history rather than making it.
  7. Life’s all about perspective. For instance, the sinking of the Titanic seemed like a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.
  8. We all live by the 50-50-90 rule. Anytime we have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability that we’ll get it wrong.
  9. My boss asked whether it was me or him who was stupid. I responded diplomatically that everyone knows he has a reputation for never hiring stupid people.
  10. Before I criticize anyone, I always walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when I’ve criticized them, I’m a mile away, and they can’t chase me because I’ve got their shoes.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, are the witticisms on offer today some contenders for the best one-liners of all time?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read in this post then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. So please, share it now.

Thank you.

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25 funny quotes about marriage to make you smile

04/29/2024 by

A successful marriage can be your greatest investment. It can also become your biggest nightmare too if you’re not careful in your choice of partner.

Choose your partner wisely and a successful relationship can be yours; failing to choose carefully could prove painful for all concerned.

Sharing your life with someone else can be a challenge because, as human beings, we’re complex creatures with an ego and a desire to have our own way.

Once married, we often try to continue to live our lives as if we were individuals and we forget that there is at least one other person we must consider, and more if there are children involved.

However, recognizing a need to compromise and being willing to compromise are not quite the same thing. It takes constant effort but sadly it’s an effort that not everyone is willing to expend.

And so there has been much said in jest about marriage and such comments often underpin a lot of great humour.

Today I offer you 25 very funny quotes about marriage that are guaranteed to raise a smile.

If you’re married, or if you’ve been married then you’ll be able to relate to many of these quotes, I’m sure. So enjoy them all.

Funny quotes about marriage (1-13):

  1. Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep. ~Unknown   
  2. When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. ~Prince Philip
  3. Never laugh at your wife’s choices. After all, you’re one of them. ~Author Unknown
  4. Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one. ~Mae West
  5. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? ~Groucho Marx
  6. By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll be a philosopher. ~Socrates
  7. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. ~Rita Rudner
  8. You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband! ~Bill Maher
  9. Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you. ~Megan Mullally
  10. Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day. ~Mickey Rooney
  11. My wife and I have been married for 21 years, and without a doubt, the hardest times we’ve faced were those times when we hated each other. ~Andy Richter
  12. My wife and I have been married for 47 years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never. ~Jack Benny
  13. If you’re wrong and you shut up, you’re wise. If you’re right and you shut up, you’re married. ~Author Unknown

Funny quotes about marriage (14-25):

  1. Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So, each is inevitably disappointed. ~Albert Einstein
  2. Listening to your wife is like reading the Terms & Conditions on a website. You understand nothing but you still say, “I agree!” ~Author Unknown
  3. Before marrying someone, you should first make them use a computer with a very slow Internet connection. That way you’ll know who they really are. ~Author Unknown
  4. Marriage Tip #46: Your wife won’t start an argument with you if you’re busy cleaning. ~Author Unknown
  5. I’ve been married for 20 years but I still carry my husband’s photo in my purse. That way, whenever I face great difficulty, I can look at the photo and remind myself that if I’ve coped with being married to this idiot for so long, I can survive anything. ~Author Unknown
  6. A husband is someone who, having merely taken out the trash, gives the impression that he’s just cleaned the whole house. ~Author Unknown
  7. The five words needed for a successful marriage, “I’m sorry, it’s my fault.” ~Author Unknown
  8. When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad. ~Helen Rowland
  9. Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake. ~Elbert Hubbard
  10. An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her. ~Agatha Christie
  11. Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then. ~Katherine Hepburn
  12. Happy wife; happy life. ~Author Unknown

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So dear reader, did any of these funny quotes about marriage tickle you? I really do hope so.

If they did make you smile then please share this blog post with your friends on social media, because when you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now. If you can do that for me, I’ll be ever so grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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29 clever puns that’ll make you smile

04/22/2024 by

If you love clever puns then you’ve come to the right place, dear reader. I’ve put together a collection of 29 witty one-line puns that will make you smile, at least a little.

Certainly, they all made me smile and I’m confident that you’ll enjoy them too.

So sit back and take a few moments to enjoy them all. And then pass them on to your friends and colleagues.

Clever puns:

  1. With great reflexes comes great response-ability.
  2. What do you do with chemists when they die? Barium!
  3. How do construction workers party? They raise the roof.
  4. An expensive laxative will give you a run for your money.
  5. I have a broken barometer that I need to sell. No pressure.
  6. Nuns wear the same outfit every day. Must be a habit, I guess.
  7. I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
  8. I can only remember 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
  9. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay. He woke up!
  10. If it’s cold, stay close to others. Otherwise, you might feel a bit ice-olated.
  11. I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night. I should have put it on aloha setting.
  12. Why was it so hot in the stadium after the baseball game? All the fans left!
  13. I’m not sure if my ceiling is the best in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
  14. You’ll never guess who I bumped into on the way to the opticians! Everyone.
  15. To whoever stole my broken bathroom scales, you’ll never get a weigh with it.
  16. Have you ever tried blindfolded archery? You don’t know what you’re missing.
  17. I lift weights only on Saturday and Sunday because Monday to Friday are weak days.
  18. Why are fish the easiest animals to weigh? Because they come with their own scales.
  19. I started a business selling yachts in my attic. Sails have gone through the roof.
  20. I wouldn’t let my children go to see the orchestra. There’s too much sax and violins.
  21. I told my wife I felt like a deck of cards and she said she’d deal with me later.
  22. I have a weird talent where I can tell what’s inside a wrapped present. It’s a gift.
  23. Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail? She got a full sentence.
  24. The Pentagon was originally going to be a square, but the contractor kept cutting corners.
  25. What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up? The mean increases.
  26. I’m a perfectionist with a procrastinator complex. Someday I’m going to be awesome.
  27. My partner’s name is David, so we named our son Harley. This way he’s Harley, David’s son.
  28. I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
  29. Did you hear about the thieves who robbed a theatre during a performance? They stole the spotlight.

Please share this post:

If you enjoyed these clever puns then please share this post with your friends on social media.

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So go on, please share it now. If you can do that for me I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

And if you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you for your support.

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7 Good jokes guaranteed to make you smile

04/17/2024 by

If you’re looking for some good jokes, then look no further, dear reader. I have seven very good jokes for you today.

They all made me laugh out loud, and I’m confident they’ll amuse you too.

So enjoy them all now.

And please feel free to pass them on.

Good jokes:

1. The duck hunter:

Dave was a keen duck hunter, and he’d been looking to buy a new bird dog for quite a while.

Dave’s search ended when he found an amazing dog that could walk on water to retrieve a duck.

Naturally, Dave was pleased with his discovery, but he was sure that his friends wouldn’t believe he’d found a dog that could walk on water.

So he decided to break the news to his friend Paul, a pessimist who was rarely impressed by anything.

Hoping that he might impress Paul, Dave invited him on a hunting trip to experience the dog firsthand.

However, Dave didn’t mention the dog’s special talent, as he wanted Paul to see it himself.

Arriving in the woods, the two men and the dog found a suitable spot by the lake and waited for some ducks to appear. And it wasn’t long before some ducks flew overhead.

Both men fired their shotguns, and a duck fell from the sky and landed on the lake.

The dog responded by walking across the water, without sinking and retrieving the duck. Apart from the soles of its feet, the dog didn’t get wet at all.

This continued throughout the day.

Each time a duck fell, the dog retrieved it by walking across the water without getting wet.

Determined to remain unimpressed, Paul observed everything, but he didn’t say a word.

On the drive home, Dave couldn’t resist it any longer, and he said to Paul, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog, Paul?”

“Yes, I did,” said Paul. “He can’t swim.”

2. Rookie error:

Jane is driving along Interstate 5 when she accidentally crashes into a guy driving a Porsche.

The guy immediately gets out of his Porsche and starts yelling at Jane and trying to intimidate her.

“Are you blind or something?” yells the guy. “Why didn’t you look where you were going?“

As luck would have it, Jane has a bottle of Jack Daniels on her rear seat, and she suggests to the guy that he takes a couple of swigs to calm his nerves.

The guy gratefully grabs the whiskey bottle and takes a long swig, pauses momentarily, and then takes another.

Just as he’s starting to calm down, a Highway Patrol officer appears on the scene, while the guy still has the whiskey bottle in his hand.

“Right,” says the Highway Patrol officer, “What’s happened here?”

Jane smiles demurely at the officer and says, “Officer, there’s been an accident because this guy’s been drinking.”

Moral of the Story: If you think you can intimidate women, you’d be wise to think again.

3. Down on the farm

One day, a farmer was tending his livestock when he noticed one of his cows was completely cross-eyed.

Naturally, being concerned, the farmer called a veterinarian and asked him to come and look at the cow.

The vet arrives at the farm, takes one look at the cow, and then sticks a rubber tube up the cow’s butt.

After a few moments, the vet puts the other end of the tube in his mouth and starts blowing hard.

Within a few seconds of blowing, the cow’s eyes completely straightened out.

The vet then charges the farmer $150 for his service and then leaves the farm to move on to his next appointment.

About a week later, another one of the farmer’s cows appears to be cross-eyed.

Well, the farmer doesn’t want to spend another $150 when he now knows what to do.

So, he finds a rubber tube and then calls his farmhand over to help him.

Together, they proceed to insert the tube into the cow’s butt.

The farmer then puts his lips on the tube and starts to blow. However, not being as young as he once was, the farmer can’t quite blow hard enough, and nothing happens.

So, he asks the farmhand to give it a try.

The farmhand removes the tube, turns it around, and then inserts it back into the cow’s butt. He then starts to blow hard.

“What are you doing?” the horrified farmer yells.

The farmhand gives him a puzzled look and then says, “Well, I wasn’t gonna use the side that you put in your mouth.”

4. Logic class:

Bubba and Jim Bob felt they weren’t going anywhere in life, so they decided to go to college to improve their situation.

Neither of them is very bright, so they decide to seek advice from the college principal for guidance on courses for which they’d be best suited.

Bubba goes to see the principal first, and, after a short conversation, the principal suggests he take the Logic course.

“What’s Logic?” asks Bubba.

“Well, it might be easier if I gave you an example,” says the principal. “Do you own a Weed Eater?“

“Well, yes, I do,” Bubba responds.

“Right,” says the principal. “If you own a Weed Eater, then it would be safe for me to assume you have a yard.”

“Wow,” says Bubba, “you’re right.”

“If you have a yard,” says the principal, “logic would suggest you also have a house.”

“Incredible,” says Bubba, “you’re right again.”

The principal continues, “And since you have a house, logic suggests you have a wife too.”

“Yes,” says Bubba, “that’s right, her name’s Daisy.”

“If you have a wife,” says the principal, “then you probably have children too.”

“I do,” says Bubba, “I have two kids, Willy and Maisy.”

“Right,” says the principal. “Then logically, it follows that you’re heterosexual.”

“Well, I’ll be,” says Bubba. “you’re right and you worked all that out from Logic. I can’t wait to start the Logic class.”

Bubba walks out of the principal’s office feeling ten feet tall and Jim Bob is there waiting to hear what happened.

“So, what class will you take?” asks Jim Bob.

“I’m taking the Logic class,” Bubba responds.

“What’s Logic?” asks Jim Bob.

“Well, it’ll be better if I explain it with an example,” says Bubba.

“Go on then,” says Jim Bob

“Right,” says Bubba. “Do you own a Weed Eater?“

“No,” Jim Bob replies.

“Then you’re gay,” says Bubba.

5. Tragic loss:

In 1912, a ship sailed from San Diego, heading for the port of Lázaro Cárdenas, Mexico, with a cargo of 20,000 jars of Hellmann’s mayonnaise.

The cargo was intended for the celebrations to commemorate the 50th anniversary of Mexico’s famous victory over the Second French Empire at the Battle of Puebla in 1862.

This would have been the largest shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico, had it not been for the ship sinking in rough seas before it could reach its intended destination.

Such was the popularity of Hellman’s famous condiment in Mexico at the time that the people were devastated, and a National Day of Mourning was declared.

This day continues to be commemorated every year on May 5, the date that the shipment was due to arrive in Lázaro Cárdenas. The event is better known as Sinko de Mayo.

6. Grizzly bears on the Appalachian Trail:

A tourist guide was explaining the dangers of grizzly bears to hikers about to walk the Appalachian Trail from Springer Mountain, Georgia.

The guide warned, “You should realise that most encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet to avoid disturbing wildlife, unexpectedly stumble upon bears.”

He had the hikers’ full attention now.

“Be aware that surprising a grizzly bear can have disastrous consequences for you,” the guide continued. “To avoid this, we recommend that hikers wear tiny bells on their clothing to provide bears with an early warning of your presence. You should, of course, exercise great caution should you spot the telltale signs of bears in the area, particularly if you see bear droppings.”

“And how do we identify bear droppings from those of other wildlife?” asked one of the hikers.

“Easy,”  explained the guide. “They’re the ones with all the tiny bells in them!”

7. The talking monkey:

Pete was walking past a pet shop when he saw a talking monkey being advertised for sale.

Intrigued, Pete went inside to see if this monkey was all the owners claimed it to be. It was, and Pete was so impressed, particularly with the monkey’s extensive vocabulary and mastery of English, he bought the erudite primate immediately.

Then that very evening, Pete took his new pet to his local bar, and he bet everyone twenty dollars that his monkey could recite the Gettysburg Address.

Ten people immediately accepted the challenge, but, despite much prompting from Pete, the monkey failed to say a word.

Pete was extremely disappointed, but he had no choice but to pay up.

However, when he got home, the monkey was talking freely once again.

So the next evening, Pete decided he would return to the bar and try again.

This time, he bet everyone thirty dollars that his monkey could recite the Gettysburg Address.

Given the experience of the previous evening, most of the patrons in the bar were more than willing to accept Pete’s bet.

Sadly for Pete, his monkey wouldn’t say a word, and once again, it proved to be an expensive evening.

When he got home with the monkey, Pete was annoyed with his pet, and he said, “I’ve had it with you, tomorrow you’re going back to the pet shop and I’m claiming a refund.”

“Calm down,” the monkey responded. “Just think about the odds; we’ll be able to get into the bar tomorrow evening.”

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5 Really funny jokes I know you’ll just love

04/16/2024 by

If you’re looking for some really funny jokes then I’ve got five good ones today. I’m confident you’ll love them all.

So take a few moments to enjoy them and then please pass them on to your friends.

Really funny jokes:

1. A companion for Adam:

Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden, feeling very lonely.

So he went to God and said, “Lord, I’m lonely. I’ve got no one to talk to.”

God smiled at Adam and said, “I was thinking about giving you a companion called Woman.”

“Woman?” Adam responded, quizzically.

“Yes”, said God. “She’ll cook for you; clean for you; and wash your clothes. She’ll bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to help care for them. She’ll agree to whatever you say. She’ll never nag you and always admit when she’s wrong. She won’t bear a grudge, and she’ll dress to please you. And of course, she’ll make love to you whenever you want her to.”

“Wow,”  said Adam. “That sounds fantastic. How much would a woman like that cost me?”

“An arm and a leg,”  God replied.

“Oh!” said Adam. “What can I get for a rib?”

2. Following orders:

At Fort Leavenworth, three platoon sergeants are standing together on the parade ground, discussing which one of them has the bravest men.

Sergeant O’Malley calls one of his men over and says, “Climb that flagpole, and when you get to the top, jump off. That’s an order, soldier!”

The soldier follows the order and, in jumping off, breaks his leg.

Sergeant O’Malley looks at his colleagues and says, “That’s how tough my men are.”

Not to be outdone, Sergeant Rivera calls over one of his men and says, “Climb onto the roof of the administration block over there, and when you get on the roof, jump off. That’s an order, soldier!”

The soldier follows the order and, in jumping off, breaks both legs.

Sergeant Rivera looks at his colleagues and says, “I think that proves my men are tougher.”

Finally, Sergeant Kowalski calls over one of his men and says, “Get in that helicopter over there, and when the pilot gets to 1,000 feet, jump out. That’s an order, soldier!

The soldier looks at him and laughs before replying, “Screw you, sergeant. You can stick your order where the sun don’t shine.”

Sergeant Kowalski looks at his colleagues and says, “Gentlemen, I think you’ll agree; that is real bravery!”

3. Accidental transposition:

A hiker staggers into a pub in a remote part of County Mayo, Ireland. He’s shaken, his clothes are torn, and he’s full of scratches.

“What has happened to you?” the bartender asks, as he pours a large Bushmills for the hiker to help with the shock.

The hiker sips his whiskey and then says, “I was attacked by a leopard!“

“Really?” says the bartender.

“Yes, really! A leopard! In Ireland!” the hiker responds. He takes another sip of whiskey and then says, “Naturally, I tried to run, but you can’t outrun a leopard, can you?“

“No,”  the bartender responds sympathetically, before saying. “So, what happened then?”

“Well,” says the hiker, “it knocked me to the ground; we rolled around a bit, but weirdly enough, it then just gave me a sad look and left.“

“Ah, you met Father Brennan,” the bartender responds knowingly.

“What do you mean?” asks the hiker, confused.

“Father Brennan was our parish priest,” says the bartender. “He was a kind-hearted man, totally committed to serving his congregation. One day, a year or so ago, he was out walking, and he found a lamp with a genie. He was granted a wish, and he said that all he wanted was to be a good shepherd to the community.”

Looking slightly puzzled, the hiker said, “I don’t understand; what’s a shepherd got to do with it?”

“Ah, well, there you have it,” says the bartender, “You have to be careful when you’re prone to spoonerisms.”

4. Going away with the boss:

George called his wife one day from the office and said, “Honey, I’ve been asked to go fishing on a lake up in Wyoming with my boss and a couple of his friends, and we’re leaving tonight. We’ll be away for the rest of the week.”

“Really?” his wife, Jane, responded.

“Look, I know it’s a bit short notice,” George responded, “but this will be a great opportunity for me to schmooze with the boss and press for that promotion I’ve been chasing.”

“OK, I guess I’ll just have to live with it then,” said Jane.

“I’ll need your help, though,” said George. “I need you to pack enough clothes for the rest of the week and set out my rod and tackle box. I’ll stop by and collect them later. Oh, can you pack my new blue silk pyjamas too please?”

Jane thought his last request was a little suspicious, but she did as he asked.

When George returned from his trip, Jane asked him how it had gone.

“I’m a bit tired,”  said George, “but otherwise, it was a great trip.”

“Did you catch many fish?” Jane inquired.

“Oh, yes!” George responded. “The fish were biting, and I caught more than anyone else. But, how come you didn’t pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked?”

“I did, honey!” said Jane. “They were in your tackle box.”

5. The monkey and the lion:

It was a warm afternoon in Serengeti National Park.

Two monkeys were sitting high in a tall tree, watching a lion sleep peacefully on the ground far below.

One of the monkeys said to the other, “Hey, I dare you to go down and give that lion a kick in the butt.”

The other monkey was always up for a dare, and so he agreed immediately.

“Yes, I can do that,”  said the monkey. And with that, he ran down the tree.

Once on the ground, he walked around the lion to check if it was still asleep. Then he went to the rear of the lion and kicked it as hard as he could in the butt.

Woken suddenly, the lion roared, and the monkey started running as fast as he could.

The lion was angry and gave chase immediately.

Needless to say, the lion was fast, and it didn’t take long for it to get within fifty yards of the monkey.

Realizing it needed to act fast if it wasn’t to be eaten, the monkey picked up a newspaper that had been discarded by tourists.

The monkey then sat on a tree stump, hid behind the newspaper, and pretended to read it.

Moments later, the lion arrived and said, “Excuse me, did you see a monkey pass this way?”

“Do you mean the one that kicked the lion in the butt?” the monkey responded.

“Oh, no!” groaned the lion. “It’s not in the papers already, is it?”

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, were these really funny jokes amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

I hope so. If they made you smile, please share this post with your friends on social media.

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Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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How to make an impression : Job Interview Tips

04/15/2024 by

As the old saying goes, you only get one chance to make a good first impression.

These days hiring managers are spoilt for choice when interviewing for any job regarded as a decent opportunity. In fact, unless the job is a real stinker, they’ll usually get hundreds of applicants.

True they won’t interview them all but they’ll interview enough for it to be important for you to make a memorable impression on them if you’re to have any chance at all.

Good candidates will know this and make sure they’ve researched job interview tips beforehand.

So dear reader, if you’ve found this page via a search engine, are you looking for some job interview tips?

If you’ve got a job interview anytime soon then naturally you’ll want a few pointers on how to perform to the best of your ability. You’ll not only want to showcase your skills but also leave an impression on the interviewer that lasts long after you’ve left the interview room.

Don’t forget though, the impression you leave can be a good one but it can also be a bad one. And leaving a bad one is the last thing you want to do, assuming you really want the job.

The embedded video offers some useful job interview tips, making its points with irony. The video made me smile and I hope it brightens your day too.

How to make an impression:

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