25 Quotes from the Barney Miller Television Sitcom

09/30/2025 by
Quotes from Barney Miller

In the golden age of 1970s television sitcoms, Barney Miller stood out—not for flashy action or laugh-track hijinks, but for its sharp wit, warm humanity, and a dingy squad room that became home to some of TV’s most memorable characters.

Set almost entirely within the walls of a New York City police precinct, the series balanced dry humour with a surprising dose of realism, giving audiences something rare: a sitcom that was funny, thoughtful, and deeply human.

At its centre was Captain Barney Miller (Hal Linden), the calm, steady leader who anchored his detectives through bizarre cases and everyday absurdities.

Surrounding him was a wonderfully mismatched crew: the perpetually grumbling Detective Fish, who sighed, “If it’s not one thing, it’s another. Usually, it’s another.”; streetwise Yemana, forever making dreadful coffee and shrugging, “It’s not the taste, it’s the experience.”; the stylish, ambitious Harris, who insisted, “I’m not just a cop—I’m a cop with style.”; and the earnest, well-meaning Detective Wojciehowicz (“Wojo”), whose innocence often collided with the gritty realities of the job, leading to both laughs and moments of surprising poignancy.

What made Barney Miller special was its ability to turn small, often ridiculous situations into big laughs while never losing sight of the humanity beneath the humour.

Long before the era of The Office or Brooklyn Nine-Nine, it pioneered workplace comedy as a space where character quirks and relationships took precedence over plot.

For viewers today, it remains more than just a sitcom—it’s a reminder that even in the most chaotic precinct, empathy, wit, and a little patience can keep the whole place together.

Barney Miller is one of my all-time favourite sitcoms, and if you’ve never seen it, I recommend checking it out on YouTube.

Here are some quotes from the series to give you a flavour for what it was all about.

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Quotes from Barney Miller:

  1. “Apparently someone did.”
    — Captain Barney Miller (Hal Linden) — dryly summing up how Chano killed both hostage?takers after Fish describes the crime
  2. “That’s some dirty guy.”
    — Detective Sgt. Chano Amenguale (Max Julien) — after describing obscene phone calls to Yemana 
  3. “Divorce is like a horse with a broken leg. You can shoot the horse, but that don’t fix the leg.”
    — Yemana (Gregory Sierra) — weirdly practical analogy about divorce
  4. “You get to be 200 years old, I guess you get a little cranky.”
    — Captain Barney Miller — commenting on Fish’s grumpiness during bicentennial rioting 
  5. “I think you better tell them. They may come up with somebody.”
    — Captain Barney Miller — when Wojo describes a horse mistaken for a missing animal 
  6. “Liz, you heard the radio: shootings, bombings. It’s my busy season.”
    — Captain Barney Miller — in response to Liz’s desire for a day trip 
  7. “Hello? Hello? Hello, Bomb Disposal?”
    — Captain Barney Miller — growling into a shared phone line before recognizing it’s Wojo
  8. “I think of you as experienced. In an emergency, you’d be the first one I’d call.”
    — Captain Barney Miller — praising Fish dryly, after Fish quips he needs time to put in false teeth
  9. “Sounds like menopause. I caught it from Bernice.”
    — Captain Barney Miller — when Fish describes body changes in mid?life
  10. “You’re not supposed to hide. You’re supposed to try and make it better.”
    — Captain Barney Miller — encouraging Mr. Webber amid despair over city troubles
  11. “Two armed men… it’d have gone on all day if someone didn’t get inside.”
    — Fish (Abe Vigoda) / Barney Miller — after recounting a failed hostage situation 
  12. “No.”
    — Captain Barney Miller — in response to Elizabeth asking if they can afford a Paris holiday, then taking her to lunch
  13. “Arrest the first nak*d guy you see with a dirty mouth.”
    — Captain Barney Miller — blunt directive during a bizarre situation
  14. “That’s okay. I don’t want to hear it.”
    — Captain Barney Miller — after Wojo apologizes for being late
  15. “Is that some dirty joke you’re telling me, Dietrich?”
    — Captain Barney Miller — reacting to Dietrich explaining his involvement in the “New Celibacy Movement”
  16. “I wish we had a psychiatrist in town; I bet Barney would be a real study.”
    — Andy (Gary Burghoff) — dryly about Barney’s behaviour
  17. “There ain’t no gold. And don’t be hanging around when that truck comes through.”
    — Barney Fife (Don Knotts) — in classic small?town style from his namesake series quoted on the site 
  18. “Man gets his best suit spotted and pressed… and for what? Heartaches!”
    — Barney Fife — scornful reflection on grooming versus heartbreak
  19. “We defy the Mafia!!!”
    — Barney Fife — bold declaration of local bravado 
  20. “Like they always say… the quality of mercy is not strained… well, you’re not talking to a jerk, you know!”
    — Barney Fife — mock-quoting Shakespeare to insult someone 
  21. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to work with someone who thinks he knows everything?”
    — Barney Fife — exasperated hardware-suitment from Mayberry 
  22. “And get that g*n out of your mouth!”
    — Andy — direct, terse reaction in a tense moment 
  23. “Pa, just what can you do with a grown woman?”
    — Opie — blunt kid?logic in classic catch?phrase style 
  24. “We thought about killing him, kind of hated to go that far.”
    — Briscoe Darlin — grimly comedic assessment of frustration 
  25. “Fly a quail through here and every one of ’em would point.”
    — Barney Fife — absurd observational comedy at a party 

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Did you enjoy the Barney Miller brand of humour?

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75 brilliant comedy quotes to make you smile

09/27/2025 by

Today I am exploring comedy quotes. By that, I mean humorous quotes from American comedy television and the movies.

I’m thinking about everything, including absurdity, sarcasm, awkward charm, sharp wit and anything perfect for keeping the laughter going.

I’ve selected 25 comedy quotes from my journal, so take a look and enjoy them all.

And, please, feel free to share them with your friends.

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Brilliant Comedy Quotes

1. TV Comedy Shows

  1. “Why does everything I love run away from me?”
    — Liz Lemon (Tina Fey), 30 Rock
  2. “I’m a snack. A Smart Snack. I’m like almonds.”
    — Eleanor Shellstrop (Kristen Bell), The Good Place
  3. “I’m not interested in caring about people.”
    — April Ludgate (Aubrey Plaza), Parks and Recreation
  4. “If I were a superhero, my power would be passive-aggression.”
    — Chandler Bing (Matthew Perry), Friends
  5. “If I don’t have some cake soon, I might die.”
    — Stanley Hudson (Leslie David Baker), The Office (US)
  6. “Sometimes I wish I were a l*sbian… did I say that out loud?”
    — Ross Geller (David Schwimmer), Friends
  7. “It’s never too early for ice cream.”
    — Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler), Parks and Recreation
  8. “I’m sorry I called you a gap-toothed b*tch. It’s not your fault you’re so gap-toothed.”
    — Gretchen Wieners (Lacey Chabert), Mean Girls (also a film, but frequently quoted in sitcom-style banter)
  9. “I am the human disaster.”
    — Jessica Day (Zooey Deschanel), New Girl
  10. “You could drown in that voice.”
    — Karen Walker (Megan Mullally), Will & Grace
  11. “That’s a lot of feelings to pack into one sentence, and I don’t like it.”
    — Jake Peralta (Andy Samberg), Brooklyn Nine-Nine
  12. “Cool cool cool cool cool. No doubt no doubt no doubt.”
    — Abed Nadir (Danny Pudi), Community
  13. “I live in a constant state of fear and misery.”
    — Tina Belcher (Dan Mintz), Bob’s Burgers
  14. “I once forgot my own birthday. I thought it was tomorrow.”
    — Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler), Parks and Recreation
  15. “It’s pronounced ‘Zee-ro’ not ‘Zero.’ I’m European now.”
    — Moira Rose (Catherine O’Hara), Schitt’s Creek
  16. “You know how I know you’re g*y? You like Coldplay.”
    — Seth (Jonah Hill), Superbad (film, but often referenced in TV-style quips)
  17. “I went outside once. The graphics were good, but the gameplay sucked.”
    — Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory
  18. “I’m gonna go lie down for twenty minutes and hope everything fixes itself.”
    — Amy Santiago (Melissa Fumero), Brooklyn Nine-Nine
  19. “I’m not lazy. I’m on energy-saving mode.”
    — George Lopez (George Lopez), George Lopez Show
  20. “I need a six-month vacation, twice a year.”
    — Karen Walker (Megan Mullally), Will & Grace
  21. “I love you, but I love me more.”
    — Samantha Jones (Kim Cattrall), S*x and the City
  22. “I’m not a morning person. Or a night person. Let’s just say I’m not a person.”
    — Daria Morgendorffer (Tracy Grandstaff), Daria
  23. “Every time I try to do something fun, you make it not that way.”
    — Michael Scott (Steve Carell), The Office (US)
  24. “I am an enigma, wrapped in a mystery, wrapped in a vest.”
    — Schmidt (Max Greenfield), New Girl
  25. “I’m a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man. But I want one. Preferably rich and emotionally unavailable.”
    — Mindy Lahiri (Mindy Kaling), The Mindy Project

2. Comedy Movies:

  1. “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room!”
    — President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove
  2. “I have n*pples, Greg. Could you milk me?”
    — Jack Byrnes (Robert De Niro), Meet the Parents
  3. “I’m in a dress. I have gel in my hair. I haven’t slept all night. I’m starved, and I’m armed. Don’t mess with me.”
    — Miss Congeniality (Sandra Bullock), Miss Congeniality
  4. “I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.”
    — Anna Scott (Julia Roberts), Notting Hill (used humorously in ironic contexts)
  5. “Why is the rum always gone?”
    — Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp), Pirates of the Caribbean
  6. “This is like if that show ‘Cops’ was about cake.”
    — Annie (Kristen Wiig), Bridesmaids
  7. “I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books.”
    — Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell), Anchorman
  8. “There’s no crying in baseball!”
    — Jimmy Dugan (Tom Hanks), A League of Their Own
  9. “My hat blew off, Daddy!”
    — Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller), Zoolander
  10. “Is butter a carb?”
    — Regina George (Rachel McAdams), Mean Girls
  11. “I love lamp.”
    — Brick Tamland (Steve Carell), Anchorman
  12. “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
    — Noah Calhoun (Ryan Gosling), The Notebook (used ironically in many comedies)
  13. “Put that cookie down! NOW!”
    — Howard Langston (Arnold Schwarzenegger), Jingle All the Way
  14. “Did I do that?”
    — Steve Urkel (Jaleel White), Family Matters (TV show)
  15. “I’m not bad. I’m just drawn that way.”
    — Jessica Rabbit (Kathleen Turner), Who Framed Roger Rabbit
  16. “He’s so hot right now.”
    — Mugatu (Will Ferrell), Zoolander
  17. “We came, we saw, we kicked its a*s!”
    — Peter Venkman (Bill Murray), Ghostbusters
  18. “Flair. You know, like buttons. Pieces of flair.”
    — Joanna (Jennifer Aniston), Office Space
  19. “She doesn’t even go here!”
    — Damian (Daniel Franzese), Mean Girls
  20. “I like smiling. Smiling’s my favorite.”
    — Buddy (Will Ferrell), Elf
  21. “I thought they smelled bad… on the outside!”
    — Han Solo (Harrison Ford), Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back (quoted in comedic contexts)
  22. “You’re tearing me apart, Lisa!”
    — Johnny (Tommy Wiseau), The Room (infamous cult comedy gold)
  23. “It’s not a man purse. It’s called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.”
    — Alan (Zach Galifianakis), The Hangover
  24. “You’re so wise. You’re like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair.”
    — Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell), Anchorman
  25. “I don’t know what we’re yelling about!”
    — Brick Tamland (Steve Carell), Anchorman

3. Dry, Sarcastic, and Sassy Quotes (TV & Movies)

  1. “I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to just tune myself out.”
    — Kelly Kapoor (Mindy Kaling), The Office (US)
  2. “You’re not the worst person in the world, but you better hope he doesn’t die.”
    — Liz Lemon (Tina Fey), 30 Rock
  3. “I wish I could, but I don’t want to.”
    — Phoebe Buffay (Lisa Kudrow), Friends
  4. “I’ll have what she’s having.”
    — Woman in deli (Estelle Reiner), When Harry Met Sally
  5. “You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.”
    — Red Forman (Kurtwood Smith), That ’70s Show
  6. “You couldn’t handle me even if I came with instructions.”
    — Blanche Devereaux (Rue McClanahan), The Golden Girls
  7. “I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.”
    — Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch), Glee
  8. “I’m not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.”
    — Moira Rose (Catherine O’Hara), Schitt’s Creek
  9. “You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
    — Max Black (Kat Dennings), 2 Broke Girls
  10. “You have something on your chin… no, the third one down.”
    — Nicky (Natasha Lyonne), Orange Is the New Black
  11. “Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?”
    — Detective Marcus Burnett (Martin Lawrence), Bad Boys
  12. “I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”
    — Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory
  13. “My give-a-damn’s busted.”
    — Blanche Devereaux (Rue McClanahan), The Golden Girls
  14. “Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.”
    — Dorothy Zbornak (Bea Arthur), The Golden Girls
  15. “I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.”
    — Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler), Parks and Recreation
  16. “I’m not saying I hate you, but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone.”
    — Gina Linetti (Chelsea Peretti), Brooklyn Nine-Nine
  17. “I don’t do hypotheticals. I’m either right or I’m wrong, and I’m never wrong.”
    — Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman), Parks and Recreation
  18. “I want you to know I’m really happy for you. And by happy I mean furious.”
    — Jess Day (Zooey Deschanel), New Girl
  19. “My hobbies include eating and complaining that I’m getting fat.”
    — Mindy Lahiri (Mindy Kaling), The Mindy Project
  20. “I’m not a control freak, but can I show you the right way to do that?”
    — Monica Geller (Courteney Cox), Friends
  21. “You’re so full of crap, your eyes are brown.”
    — Sam Winchester (Jared Padalecki), Supernatural
  22. “I’m not judging you, I’m just saying you’re wrong.”
    — Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory
  23. “You are the human equivalent of a participation trophy.”
    — Gina Linetti (Chelsea Peretti), Brooklyn Nine-Nine
  24. “You don’t deserve a good hair day.”
    — Karen Walker (Megan Mullally), Will & Grace
  25. “Oh, I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?” Blair Waldorf (Leighton Meester), Gossip Girl
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Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post worth a few minutes of your time?

Were these comedy quotes amusing? Did they make you smile? If so, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

Please share this post now.

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15 funny quotes to gladden your heart

09/26/2025 by

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I love quotes. And I’m always on the lookout for great quotes, and particularly funny quotes.

Many great quotes have influenced my own personal philosophy.

Others have been really useful as a means for reinforcing messages in presentations.

And then some just make me smile.

I’m referring to those funny quotes that resonate with me, offering a germ of truth within the underlying wit.

So here are 15 funny quotes to brighten your day and put a smile on your face.

Enjoy them all. Certainly, I did.

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Funny Quotes:

  1. In my defence, I was left unsupervised.
  2. I used to think I was indecisive but now I’m not so sure.
  3. Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
  4. Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.
  5. If I won an award for laziness, I’d send someone else to pick it up.
  6. I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful.
  7. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
  8. The early bird can have the worm because worms are gross and mornings are stupid.
  9. I don’t want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.
  10. Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.
  11. Life has no hands but it can still give you a slap in the face sometimes.
  12. Silence is golden unless you have kids. Then it’s just suspicious.
  13. Having great power is wonderful until you get the electricity bill.
  14. I hate it when you have to be nice to someone you’d like to punch in the face.
  15. Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. ~Author Unknown

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People love funny quotes, so please share this post now.

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You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

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25 dark humor quotes that will brighten your day

09/25/2025 by

If you’re looking for some dark humor quotes, dear reader, I’ve pulled together 25 that will brighten your day. Well, I hope so, anyway.

So, take a few moments to enjoy them all and then please feel free to pass them on.

Sharing smiles is the most useful thing any of us can do. Laughter is always the best medicine.

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Dark Humor Quotes:

  1. I’m not lazy. I just have an energy-saving mode.
  2. People believe in God but does God believe in people?
  3. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
  4. Where would you find a dog with no legs? Wherever you left it.
  5. I don’t hate you. I’m just not that excited about your existence.
  6. Just be yourself is not necessarily the best advice for everyone.
  7. In life, occasionally you’re the pigeon but mostly you’re the statue.
  8. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
  9. If at first, you don’t succeed, remove all evidence that you even tried.
  10. Never hit anyone with glasses. If you must hit them, use a baseball bat.
  11. Friendship’s more important than money. Unless someone owes you $100.
  12. Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off.
  13. ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologize’ mean the same thing unless you’re at a funeral.
  14. If one door opens when another one closes, your house is probably haunted.
  15. If you can’t laugh at yourself, you could be missing out on the joke of the day.
  16. My house is like the Bermuda Triangle. Stuff comes in never to be seen again.
  17. Why doesn’t my phone fly when I put it in airplane mode? I’d really like to know.
  18. Everyone brings joy to my house. Some when they arrive; others when they leave.
  19. If rabbits’ feet are so lucky, you’d have to ask, “What happened to the rabbit?”
  20. I always said I wanted to be somebody but perhaps I should have been more specific.
  21. Smell is one of the biggest triggers of memory. How will you be remembered?
  22. I’m not known for being tough but I have the heart of a lion. I keep it in a jar on my desk.
  23. I’m a leader, not a follower. Unless it’s a very dark and spooky place, then you’re going first.
  24. My grief counsellor died last week. However he was so good at his job, it hasn’t bothered me at all.
  25. The quickest way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. An axe through the chest would be a lot quicker.

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Did any of these dark humor quotes make you smile, dear reader? I hope so. If they did, please share this post with your friends on social media.

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Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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55 funny quotes about money to make you smile

09/23/2025 by

Today, I am exploring funny quotes about money.

Money, that’s what I want! And so does everyone else.

It’s a modern obsession. We like to think that it doesn’t matter, but it does. We cannot get far without at least some of it in the modern world.

We all talk about money, and we’re constantly chasing value for money. This is natural, of course, because our lifestyle, such as it is, depends on the money we have and the money we earn.

However, there’s a slightly absurd and amusing side to it all, too. So I thought I’d search out some quotes to explore the funny side of money.

Here are 55 funny quotes about money that made me smile, and I hope they brighten your day too.

Funny quotes about money (1-20):

A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore. ~Yogi Berra

A Nillionaire is someone with no money. ~Author Unknown

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons. ~Douglas Adams

The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money. ~IRS auditor

What’s worth doing is worth doing for money. ~Michael Douglas

I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. Rich is better. ~Sophie Tucker

A fool and his money are soon invited everywhere. ~Warren Buffett

My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. ~Author Unknown

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? ~John Barrymore

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. ~Oscar Wilde

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy. ~Spike Milligan

The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money. ~Author Unknown

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop ~Gertrude Stein

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due. ~Author Unknown

People don’t turn down money! It’s what separates us from the animals. ~Jerry Seinfeld

They say money talks and perhaps it does, but mine just says goodbye. ~Author Unknown

I’d like to live like a poor man, only with lots of money. ~Pablo Picasso

I wish my bank account was refilled as quickly as my laundry basket does. ~Every mom on the planet

Due to recent budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. ~Author Unknown

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. ~Will Rogers

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Funny quotes about money (21-40):

I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention. ~Ron Kittle

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. ~W.C. Fields

His money is twice tainted: taint yours and taint mine. ~Mark Twain

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. ~Woody Allen

Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can pay for plastic surgery. ~Joan Rivers

We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules. ~Buzzie Bavasi

Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children. ~J. Paul Getty

I’m stuck between “I need to save money” and “You only live once.”   ~Author Unknown

Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail. ~Kinky Friedman

I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries. ~Jules Renard

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something. ~Jackie Mason

I was so poor growing up, if I wasn’t a boy, I’d have nothing to play with. ~Rodney Dangerfield

I have done some terrible things for money, like getting up early and going to work. ~Author Unknown

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. ~Author Unknown

I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died. ~Malcolm Forbes

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. ~Groucho Marx

If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem. ~J. Paul Getty

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. ~Lana Turner

If you’re given a choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal. ~Katharine Hepburn

Another good thing about being poor is that when you’re 70, your children will not have you declared legally insane to gain control of your estate. ~Woody Allen

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Funny quotes about money (41-55):

A salary is a drug they give you to forget your dreams. ~Kevin O’Leary

If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars. ~J. Paul Getty

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need if I die by four o’clock. ~Henny Youngman

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. ~Earl Wilson

When a fellow says, “It ain’t the money, but the principle of the thing,” it’s the money. ~Kin Hubbard

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. ~Jackie Mason

If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stocks, not selling advice. ~Norman R. Augustine

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. ~Woody Allen

Money may not buy happiness but if you’re going to cry, it’s better to do it in a Mercedes or BMW. ~Author Unknown

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. ~Groucho Marx

Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale. ~Zig Ziglar

I want to get to a point in my life, financially where adding guacamole to my burrito isn’t a big decision. ~Author Unknown

Too many people spend money they haven’t earned to buy things they don’t want to impress people they don’t like. ~Will Rogers

Money doesn’t make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million. ~Arnold Schwarzenegger

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s in the sale. ~Author Unknown

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25 contenders for the best one-liners of all time

09/23/2025 by

Do you enjoy a witty one-liner, dear reader? Well, I’ve been searching for some contenders for the best one-liners of all time.

Today I’ve put together a batch of 25, that I hope you’ll enjoy.

They all made me smile, and I hope they’ll make you smile too.

So take a moment to enjoy them, and then please pass them on.

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Best one-liners of all time (1-15):

  1. I’m not fat. I’m just easier to see.
  2. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
  3. Becoming a vegan is a big missed steak.
  4. My boss said, have a good day. So I went home.
  5. A clean desk is a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
  6. For maximum attention, nothing beats saying something stupid.
  7. I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
  8. Why is it that everyone seems normal until you get to know them?
  9. How is it that I always seem to buy plants without the will to live?
  10. The importance of teamwork is that there’s always someone else to blame.
  11. We must support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
  12. One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
  13. Why do we refer to the day we do all our household chores as a day off?
  14. The other man’s grass may be greener, but at least you don’t have to mow it.
  15. If we’re not supposed to eat at night, why’s there a light in the refrigerator?

Best one-liners of all time (16-25):

  1. Wise people learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us are the others.
  2. Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realising that the other person’s an idiot.
  3. An optimist believes that the world couldn’t be better. A pessimist is afraid that might be true.
  4. It’s funny when someone says we need to talk, but what they mean is, you need to listen.
  5. Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men actually spend thinking.
  6. Living in the 21st century is a bizarre experience. Our priority now is deleting history rather than making it.
  7. Life’s all about perspective. For instance, the sinking of the Titanic seemed like a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.
  8. We all live by the 50-50-90 rule. Anytime we have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability that we’ll get it wrong.
  9. My boss asked whether it was me or him who was stupid. I responded diplomatically that everyone knows he has a reputation for never hiring stupid people.
  10. Before I criticize anyone, I always walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when I’ve criticized them, I’m a mile away, and they can’t chase me because I’ve got their shoes.
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So dear reader, are the witticisms on offer today some contenders for the best one-liners of all time?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read in this post then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. So please, share it now.

Thank you.

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8 really funny jokes that will make you smile

09/21/2025 by

If you’re like me, you enjoy really funny jokes. Something to make you laugh and brighten the day. Well, here are eight really funny jokes that all made me smile today.

I hope you enjoy them.

And, if you do, please feel free to pass them on.

Really Funny Jokes:

1. Money’s too tight to mention:

Two old friends, Mary and Jane, were going shopping.

Mary was a spendthrift and she had a bad habit of constantly overdrawing her bank account.

Before leaving for the mall, Jane complained about her own lack of funds and sadly lamented, “If I buy anything, I guess I’ll have to use plastic.”

Unconcerned, Mary whipped out her chequebook and said, “Well I’ll be using rubber.”

2. Blood from a stone:

A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s wealthy banker, so the director decided to make a phone call.

“Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”

The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”

“Um, no,” mumbled the director.

“Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?” the banker continued.

“I … I … I had no idea,”  the director admitted.

“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”

3. Verifying your cheque:

The store clerk requested identification from a customer who had just written a personal cheque for her purchase.

After fumbling through her purse, she presented him with what she said was the only thing she had that bore both her name and address. It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank. 

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4. Asking for charity:

A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman known for her charity.

“Please, ma’am,” he says when she opens up, “can you help this poor, tragic family down the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They’re about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone can pay their rent.”

“That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life!” says the woman. “May I ask who you are?”

“I’m their landlord.”

 5. Ways of seeing:

Teenager, Billy lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway.

After a brief but fruitless search, Billy gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes she’d found the lens.

“How did you do that?” he asked.

“We weren’t looking for the same thing Billy,” she explained. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”

6. The rooster:

A farmer decided he wanted to go into town to see a movie.

As he was standing in line for a ticket, the ticket agent says to him. “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”

“Well,” said the farmer, “this here’s my pet rooster, Chuck. I never go anywhere without Chuck.”

“Sir, I’m sorry,” the ticket agent responds, “but we don’t allow any animals in the auditorium.”

Now the farmer is a wily old operator, and he knows how to work around a problem.

So, he disappears around the corner and stuffs the rooster down his overalls. Then he returns to the ticket booth, buys a ticket, and walks off to take his seat.

On this occasion, he’s seated next to two old women, Maude and Daisy.

The movie starts and naturally, the rooster begins to get restless. So, the old farmer unbuttons his fly so Chuck could stick his head out to watch the movie.

“Daisy,” says Maude, whispering.

“What is it, Maude?” Daisy responds.

“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”

“What makes you think so?” Daisy asks.

“He just undid his pants, and he’s got his thing out,” whispers Maude.

“So, why worry?” Daisy responds, “at your age, it’s not like you haven’t seen one before. When you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”

“Well, that’s what I thought,” Maude responded, “but this one’s eating my popcorn.“

7. Devoted wife:

Harry is on his deathbed, and he says to his wife, “Mabel, I will be gone soon, and there’s something I must ask you. In these 50 years of our marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?“

“Well, Harry,” Mabel replied, “I must be honest with you. I was unfaithful on three occasions during these past 50 years, but always with good reason.“

“Really?” said Harry, hurt by Mabel’s confession. “I didn’t suspect anything. Can you tell me your reasons?“

Mabel sighed and said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our house because we couldn’t afford to pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?“

Harry remembered the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?“

Mabel hesitated momentarily and then said, “Do you remember when you had heart problems and we didn’t have enough money to pay your medical bills? I went to see your doctor one night, and if you recall, he did the bypass surgery at no charge.“

“Oh, yes,” said Harry, “How could I forget, Mabel? You saved my life, so I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“Well,” Mabel continued, “do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed to be sure you could count on all 15 votes from the committee members?“

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8. The Lesson:

While walking along Pennsylvania Avenue, a congressman is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

Suddenly he finds himself standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St. Peter.

“Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter.

The congressman is still a little confused, given his circumstances, but thanks St Peter for his welcome.

“Now,” St Peter continues, “before you settle in, there is an issue. We seldom see politicians here, so we’re never quite sure what to do with you. However, we do have a procedure.”

“So, what happens now?” asks the congressman.

“Well,” says St Peter, “What we’ll do is have you spend a day in Hell followed by a day in Heaven. Then you can choose where you’ll spend eternity.”

With that, St. Peter escorts the congressman to an elevator and down he goes to Hell.

A few moments later, the elevator door opens, and the congressman finds himself standing in the clubhouse of the most amazing golf course he’d ever seen. Standing in front of him were all his old Washington buddies and other politicians who’d predeceased him.

They’re all having a great time, drinking, laughing and joking. When they see him, they greet him warmly, shake his hand, and reminisce about all the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of ordinary people. They invite him to play a game of golf and then afterwards they all dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

The devil joins them for dinner. The congressman is amazed at how friendly and caring the devil is. Nothing like he had imagined.

They were all having the most amazing time when the devil suggested it was probably time for the congressman to complete the process with St Peter.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and a wave as the elevator rises back up to the Pearly Gates. Suddenly the door opens and St. Peter is waiting for him.

“Well,” says St Peter, “now it’s time to visit Heaven.”

The time passes with the congressman joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. The time they had was pleasant enough if a little underwhelming, but it passed quickly. Before he realizes it, the congressman is back with St Peter.

“Well, now,” says St Peter, “you’ve seen what Heaven and Hell have to offer, so you must now make a choice.”

The congressman reflects on his options momentarily, then says, “Well, pleasant as Heaven was, what the devil has to offer me seems like a much better deal. So, I’ll opt for Hell.”

So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and back he goes down to Hell for all eternity.

When the elevator door opens, the congressman finds himself in a stinking hellhole full of waste and garbage. Once again, he sees his friends, but they’re dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The smell is terrible.

The congressman struggles to comprehend what he’s seeing as the devil arrives to greet him. “I don’t understand,” the congressman says to the devil, “this is not what I voted for.”

The devil smiles at him.

“Yesterday,” continues the congressman, “when I was here, there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. How can this possibly be what I voted for?”

Once again, the devil smiles at him and says, “Ah, yes, you’ve noticed. Well, you see, yesterday I was campaigning. Today I have your vote. So, now you know how ordinary people feel.”

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So did these prove to be the really funny jokes you’d hoped for read reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read, please share it with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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25 funny witty quotes that will seriously tickle you

09/21/2025 by

I always get the best reaction with blog posts that are full of content to make you smile. And funny witty quotes are particularly popular with readers.

With that in mind, I’ve been trawling my journals looking for funny witty quotes which I’ve noted for posterity, and that I hope you’ll enjoy now, dear reader.

So, here are 25 funny witty quotes that I’m confident will tickle you. Indeed, they tickled me and made me smile.

They’re all by Authors Unknown, but they’re razor-sharp and funny nevertheless.

So go on, take a few minutes right now to have a laugh and enjoy them all.

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Funny Witty Quotes:

  1. ‘Be yourself is the worst piece of advice you can give to some people.
  2. Some people just need a sympathetic pat on the head, with a hammer.
  3. HIM: How is it your single? HER: Surely you mean you’re?
  4. Arguing with a fool serves only to prove that there are two.
  5. Only dead fish go with the flow.
  6. The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t hold this much personality.
  7. Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight you’re drunk.
  8. There are only two rules in life. No 1: Never ever give out all the information.
  9. You never realize how weird you are until you have a kid who acts just like you.
  10. If you have nothing to be grateful for, check your pulse.
  11. Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions. Chocolate understands.
  12. I’ve learned so much from my mistakes I’m thinking of making a few more.
  13. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
  14. We mature with damage, not with years.
  15. Life is short. So smile while you still have teeth.
  16. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
  17. Sarcasm is not an attitude. It’s an art.
  18. I have an irrational fear of wasting a good outfit on an insignificant day.
  19. Whoever said that nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.
  20. The only time a woman is helpless is when her nail polish is drying. Otherwise, watch out.
  21. The first thing you lose on a diet is your sense of humour.
  22. Everyone has the right to be stupid but you’re abusing the privilege.
  23. If you don’t like the way I drive then stay off the sidewalk.
  24. If at first, you don’t succeed then skydiving’s not for you.
  25. 129% of people exaggerate.

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If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

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It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. Thank you.

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13 corny jokes that will really make you smile

09/21/2025 by

Let’s explore some corny jokes today.

Life shouldn’t be serious all the time. Occasionally, we all need to smile.

If you like corny jokes, dear reader, today’s post is for you.

I’ve found 13 of them that made me smile. And I hope they will make you smile too.

The source of these corny jokes is a website called Tickld, which is new to me.

However, I had a very pleasant time enjoying all the funnies it had on offer.

A link to Tickld is included, so take a look, but not before you’ve enjoyed what I thought were some of their best corny jokes.

And here are those 13 corny jokes for you:

CORNY JOKES
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Corny Jokes:

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said: Thank you.

And I said: Don’t mention it!

 

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

 

My friend said to me: What rhymes with orange?

And I said: No it doesn’t!

 

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.

 

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

A labracadabrador.

 

So what if I don’t know what Armageddon means? It’s not the end of the world.

 

How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.

 

I’ve found a job helping a one-armed typist do capital letters. It’s shift work.

 

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?

Aye matey.

 

I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

 

People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones. But people in Abu Dhabi do!

 

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

 

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

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Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read, then please share it all with your friends on social media.

Share the fun, and everyone wins. Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

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25 quotes from Friends guaranteed to amuse you

09/20/2025 by

Today I am exploring quotes from Friends. Remember those days when we got to enjoy the witty banter in Central Perk, and we all wished we could be part of their gang?

It was definitely one of my favourite shows and I’ve watched every episode of every season.

So, I offer you 25 quotes from Friends that I hope you will enjoy.

And, if you do, feel free to share them with your friends.

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25 Quotes from Friends:

  1. “I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
    — Chandler Bing
  2. “It’s a moo point. It’s like a cow’s opinion. It doesn’t matter. It’s moo.”
    — Joey Tribbiani
  3. “Could I be wearing any more clothes?”
    — Joey (doing Chandler)
  4. “I say more dumb things before 9 a.m. than most people say all day.”
    — Chandler Bing
  5. “I’m sorry I was so hard on you before… and I’m sorry I called you ‘a big dull dud’.”
    — Phoebe Buffay
  6. “You can’t just give up! Is that what a dinosaur would do?”
    — Joey Tribbiani (to Ross)
  7. “Oh, I wish I could, but I don’t want to.”
    — Phoebe Buffay
  8. “You have to stop the Q-tip when there’s resistance!”
    — Chandler Bing
  9. “You hung up on the pizza place? I don’t hang up on your friends!”
    — Joey Tribbiani
  10. “They don’t know that we know they know we know!”
    — Phoebe Buffay
  11. “I got off the plane.”
    — Rachel Green (a sweet zinger)
  12. “Ross, just because you have a PhD doesn’t mean you’re not an idiot.”
    — Phoebe Buffay
  13. “I’m hopeless and awkward and desperate for love!“
    — Chandler Bing
  14. “You throw your sandwich away… that is a perfectly good sandwich!”
    — Joey Tribbiani
  15. “I don’t even have a ‘pla’.”
    — Phoebe Buffay (when talking about plans)
  16. “I don’t share food!”
    — Joey Tribbiani
  17. “You are over me? When were you… under me?”
    — Ross Geller
  18. “You fell asleep? You fell asleep?! That’s worse than forgetting!”
    — Rachel Green
  19. “That’s not even a word!”
    — Ross Geller (correcting Joey’s use of “supposably”)
  20. “It’s always better to lie than to have the complicated discussion.”
    — Chandler Bing
  21. “I’m Chandler. I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable.”
    — Rachel mocking Chandler
  22. “Your money’s mine, Green!”
    — Monica Geller (during poker night)
  23. “It tastes like feet!”
    — Ross Geller (about Rachel’s trifle)
  24. “The fridge broke, so I had to eat everything.”
    — Joey Tribbiani
  25. “I’m a gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I’ve missed the last … twelve hundred times.”
    — Chandler Bing

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If you fancy some more laughs, then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you.

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