25 witty puns and jokes to cheer someone up

02/05/2025 by

Today I offer you 25 witty puns and jokes to cheer someone up. If you know someone in serious need of a smile or two, then some of these might just make them laugh.

So take a few minutes to enjoy them all, and then pick the best ones and see if you can get a good laugh from your friends.

Even if it’s only a groan you get in return, it will probably lift people’s spirits, at the very least.

Jokes to cheer someone up: (1 – 12)

If at first you don’t succeed, then don’t try skydiving.

If a drummer comes out of retirement, will there be repercussions?

I never like taking selfies of myself in the shower. The photos turn out blurry, and I have selfie steam issues.

You should keep your voice down in cornfields because there are so many ears.

I used to be a watchmaker. I loved the job because I made my own hours.

If your guy doesn’t like fresh fruit puns, let the mango.

I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn’t work.

Will glass coffins ever be popular? Remains to be seen.

I tried the vegan diet for a week, but it was a huge miss steak.

Apparently, you can’t use BEEFSTEW as a password because it’s not Stroganoff.

I was listening to classical music on the television, but it wasn’t to my taste. Far too much sax and violins.

Did you hear about the watchmaker who became a gardener? He ended up with too much thyme on his hands.

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Jokes to cheer someone up: (13 – 25)

I made a movie about diarrhea. It’s been released everywhere.

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars were all in the same bar. They didn’t planet that way.

You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tuna fish. Unless you play bass, then you can play all the scales.

So many people are anti-vaccination, but I think they should give it a shot.

I saw an advertisement in the newspaper for burial plots. I thought that’s the last thing I need.

My girlfriend bet me $100 that I couldn’t build a car from spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

I went to Mount Rushmore and I was probably the only visitor unimpressed. Perhaps I just took it for granite.

Can someone recommend a better way of clearing frost from my windshield? I used a discount card but I only got 20% off.

My wife asked me if I’d seen the dog bowl. “I didn’t know he could!” was my reply.

A man was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun. I was told that he’s fully recovered now.

My wife’s in the hospital after eating a daffodil bulb. She’ll be out in the spring.

Lance is no longer a common name, but in medieval times, men were named Lance a lot.

There’s a new GPS device designed for seniors. It tells you how to get where you want to go and then reminds you why you wanted to go there.

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Please share this post with your friends:

Did you enjoy these witty puns and jokes to cheer someone up? Were they as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader?

I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case, then please share this blog post with your friends, because when you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now on social media. If you can do that for me then I will be truly grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you for your support.

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35 brilliant one-liners that will make you smile

02/04/2025 by

Whenever I share funny one-liners with readers, the posts are always popular. So it seemed like a good idea to collect a few more for you.

I’ve been collecting a lot more one-liners of late, so I thought it was time I shared them with you, dear reader.

Well, if they’re popular with readers, why wouldn’t I?

Today I am sharing what I think are 35 brilliant one-liners. They all made me smile, and I hope at least one or two of them will make you smile too.

I must confess that though I’ve collected these from various sources, I haven’t been able to identify the original authors. So they’re all classified as Author Unknown.

However, I would be happy to add acknowledgements to individual quotes if readers can enlighten me accordingly.

In the meantime, I hope these 35 brilliant one-liners will brighten your day.

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BRILLIANT ONE-LINERS

Brilliant one-liners (1-10):

  1. Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
  2. It’s a day for firm decisions! Or is it?
  3. Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.
  4. I want patience. AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
  5. Always give 100 % unless you’re donating blood.
  6. I started with nothing, and I’ve still got most of it.
  7. All those who believe in telekinesis raise my hand.
  8. I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
  9. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already!
  10. Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.

Brilliant one-liners (11-20):

  1. A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.
  2. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  3. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  4. Did you hear about the dyslexic who walked into a bra?
  5. What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxis.
  6. I went to a seafood disco last night and pulled a mussel.
  7. Being a hypochondriac will save my life one of these days.
  8. I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
  9. Dogs will never make good dancers because they all have two left feet.
  10. I’ve just written a new book about reverse psychology. Please don’t buy it.
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BRILLIANT ONE-LINERS

Brilliant one-liners (21-30):

  1. I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
  2. I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.
  3. The first time I got a universal remote control I thought, “This changes everything!”
  4. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
  5. My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
  6. I sent my photograph to a Lonely-Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely.
  7. I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”
  8. I asked my wife whether she was willing to embrace her mistakes. She said, “I married you didn’t I!”
  9. You know you’re in a crazy church when the only tune the organist knows is ‘Livin’ La Vida Loca’.
  10. I was going to ask God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way, so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Brilliant one-liners (31-35):

  1. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job but when I got home all the signs were there.
  2. Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? She’ll stop at nothing to avoid them!
  3. Did you hear about the guy who suffered from paranoia and low self-esteem? He thought no one important was out to get him.
  4. I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. “How flexible are you?” he inquired. I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.”
  5. I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was easy really. Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a beard.
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If you enjoyed them, please share:

If you enjoyed these brilliant one-liners, dear reader, please share this blog post on social media with your friends.

Share the fun, and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

So go on, please share this post now. If you could do that for me, I’ll be ever so grateful, and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you for your support.

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33 life lessons learned that are best learned early

02/02/2025 by

Life lessons learned for most of us are learned the hard way. Here are 33 of those lessons that are best learned as early as possible, ideally in your teens or early 20s.

LIFE LESSONS LEARNED
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Life lessons learned:

1. On experiencing life:

Wherever you are, be there. Be present and experience the moment. You’ll remember moments with friends and family all your life, whereas you’re unlikely to remember social media posts moments after you’ve read them. No experience beats having a good laugh with your friends and family.

2. On making choices:

As an adult, you’re free to make your own choices but you must accept any consequences that follow. A wise adult learns to make good choices because the choices you make will dictate the quality of the life you lead. Your choices matter. Make too many bad ones and your life experiences won’t be very good at all.

3. On the future (1):

Where you’re going is more important than where you’ve been. The past was a series of lessons to be learned. The future is where you’ll spend the rest of your life. You can’t change the past but your future has yet to be written, and you’ve got the pen.

4. On the future (2):

The future is an endless stream of opportunities that you can choose to seize, or not. However poor your past may have been, that doesn’t mean you can’t seize new opportunities and exploit them to your own advantage. You can, with determination and hard work. And, never let anyone discourage you from having a go. Better to try and fail than to spend your life wondering what might have been

5. On asking questions:

Intelligent people ask questions. So, never be afraid to ask questions when you don’t understand something, or when you need clarification. Better to appear a fool momentarily than remain a fool permanently.

6. On attitude:

The greatest disability in life is a bad attitude. If you’ve got one you’d better change it, if you want your life to improve. Attitude matters. An average person with a positive attitude makes a much better employee than a genius with a chip on his or her shoulder.

7. On fairness:

Life isn’t fair. It never has been and it never will be. We’re all dealt a set of cards in life, and all we can do is play that hand as best as we can. We could get angry about the unfairness of it all or we can just get on and make the best of what we have. The latter approach is much easier on our nerves, in my experience.

8. On bullying:

When you’re having fun at someone else’s expense, remember it may be fun to you, and you may not mean any harm, but for the other person the impact of such an experience can be humiliating, upsetting, and it can cause significant, lasting and often permanent psychological damage to that person. So remember, it isn’t fun at all if it isn’t fun for the other person. If it isn’t fun for them, it’s just bullying. And if you’re bullying, you’re not being cool, you’re being nasty.

9. On judging others (1):

You’re free to judge others if you’re sure that you’re perfect in every way. If you conclude that you’re not quite perfect then why would you expect others to be?

10. On judging others (2):

For everyone, life is a struggle. No one is without problems, despite any external signs to the contrary. We just have to keep going for it’s the only way. Life goes on and we must too. If you’ve not walked two miles in someone else’s shoes, you’re not in a position to judge them. So, don’t.

11. On authenticity:

Authenticity is simply being who you are and not trying to be who you think you should be or who you think you’re expected to be. People will respect you for being who you are. An original is always better than a fake.

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12. On trust:

Trust takes years to build and seconds to break. And once broken the way you’re seen by others will never be quite the same again. Trust is a valuable commodity. Protect it.

13. On reputation:

Never underestimate the importance of your reputation. And if you wouldn’t be happy to read something about yourself on the front pages, don’t do it.

14. On communication:

If you want to tell anyone anything, speak softly and you’ll find that they’re much more likely to listen to you.

15. On success:

No one can ever be a failure but everyone can be a success. Failure is not a person it’s just an outcome you didn’t want. It’s also an opportunity to try again with greater knowledge and experience. Everyone can achieve some degree of success if they believe in themselves, they’re determined and they’re willing to work hard.

16. On priorities:

We all have the same amount of time. 168 hours a week. It’s how we choose to use it that dictates whether we achieve anything significant or not. Time is a resource, pure and simple. So, decide on your priorities and allocate your time accordingly. And just because someone wants a piece of your time, doesn’t mean you’re obliged to give it to them. If it’s not a priority, nor an obligation, just say NO.

17. On watching television:

Few people seem to recognise this but there’s a significant cost to watching television. Not the cost of purchasing the television set or any cable or satellite subscriptions you may have. The real cost is the opportunity cost of your time. That is the time you spend watching television. Time is money and you could be doing something more profitable with your time. Learning something new perhaps or running your own little income-generating side hustle.

18. On qualifications (1):

Most of the work done by most people in life doesn’t require a college degree at all. If you have one that’s great but stay humble. A motivated individual with common sense and decent reading, writing and arithmetic skills can succeed in life without one.

19. On qualifications (2):

You may need a college degree to work for an employer but you don’t need one to work for yourself. If it’s your business, you make the rules.

20. On qualifications (3):

Plenty of people graduating from Harvard will end up working for people who didn’t. So, stay humble. Studying at a top university is no guarantee for career success, nor does it guarantee wealth. A Harvard, Oxford, or Cambridge degree may look good on your CV but five years after graduation the only thing that will matter is what you’ve achieved in the workplace since.

21. On experience:

Doing is by far the best way to learn. The classroom is useful, of course, but nothing beats doing and learning from your mistakes. Making mistakes will teach you lessons that you’ll never forget. And learning from your mistakes will give you that valuable commodity known as experience. Knowing the theory is useful, whereas having experience is essential.

22. On employability:

You don’t sell who you are. You sell what you can do and the value you can add. Every job is about doing stuff for other people and delivering results. What is it you can do and what can you confidently deliver? Before you go for any job interview, make sure you have answers to these questions and make sure you can give examples of stuff you’ve delivered on previous occasions.

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23. On work (1):

Employers can quickly replace you with someone just like you and you’ll be forgotten quickly. So be professional in carrying out your duties, of course, but not at the expense of your interests or those of your loved ones.

24. On work (2):

Make sure you take good care of yourself. Employers will take everything you give and a bit more besides but if you died tomorrow your job would be posted online before your obituary. You’ll be replaced within days and the memory of your presence won’t last long.

25. On making money:

To make money you have to be doing stuff for other people. To make a serious amount of money you have to be doing stuff for multiple people simultaneously, even when you’re asleep. Sounds impossible but it can be done. For instance, serving the many with your digital products, sold online, can lead to great wealth.

26. On sales:

Successful selling is not about tricking people into buying something they don’t need. The art of selling is in proactively finding customers who’ve got problems for which your products can provide the ideal solution. If you can offer solutions to problems, you’ll find customers in need of what you have to sell. Find the right customers and a good product will sell itself.

27. On change (1):

It’s easier to remain as you are than it is to change but unless you change your life will not improve. Embracing change is hard but it is well worth the effort.

28. On change (2):

For things to change, you have to change. For things to get better, you have to get better. You can become more than you are but it won’t happen by accident. It all starts with you saying, I can; I will; and I won’t stop until I get there. And you must make any changes necessary.

29. On finding a life partner:

You’ll find, as you go through life, that Mr or Miss Perfect doesn’t exist. If you’re looking for a life partner, find someone whose faults you can live with. Yes, you’ll need to enjoy each other’s company. And yes, you’ll need to have things in common. However, everyone you meet will have faults of their own, even if they’re not immediately apparent.

30. On children (1):

When you have young children they need your attention much more than your mobile phone does. Your children should be your priority, particularly in the early years. You’re their role model. Be a positive role model and give them all the attention they deserve. The years pass quickly and your children, good or bad, are your legacy to the world.  Social media can wait. Anything less is simply a disservice to your child.

31. On children (2):

Children need continuity and they need boundaries. They need to be brought up with a set of values too. Fail to give them those things and you fail as a parent. Materialism is no substitute for the things that matter most.

32. On your social life:

You’ll never fit into every social group, nor should you try. Just focus on finding a group of people that are right for you. In other words, find your tribe. People that are welcoming to you, with interests like yours and personalities that appeal to you. It’s better to be in the company of people that appreciate your company, rather than trying to fit into groups that don’t want you there at all.

33. On experts:

There are plenty of people referred to as experts whose ideas and recommendations can prove to be stupid beyond belief. Listen to experts by all means but then use your own judgement. Don’t be fooled by people, just because they’ve got an impressive job title. If your instinct says they’re wrong, have the courage of your convictions and act accordingly. Just because an ‘expert’ said it, doesn’t mean you have to accept it.

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So go on, please share it now. If you can do that for me, I’ll be ever so grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

And you’ll be helping your friends too. So you really can make a difference in the lives of others.

Thank you.

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21 extracts from funny complaints letters to make you smile

01/27/2025 by

Today I’ve curated some extracts from funny complaints letters.

Unfortunately, people living in social housing tend to be at the lower end of the socio-economic scale. They often have limited education and tend to be less articulate. The result for local councils can be some funny complaint letters at times.

In Britain, local councils are the focal point for the provision of social housing, and they are the main recipients of what frequently turn out to be some funny complaints letters.

To illustrate my point, here are some extracts from funny complaints letters sent to local councils in Britain. All very innocent remarks, of course, but I’m sure the housing officers receiving these letters couldn’t resist a chuckle or two.

So take a few minutes to enjoy them all.

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Funny complaints letters (1-10):

  1. My lavatory seat is cracked; where do I stand?
  2. It’s the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow.
  3. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
  4. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
  5. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
  6. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
  7. Their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
  8. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
  9. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can’t get BBC2.
  10. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

Funny complaints letters (11-21):

  1. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
  2. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
  3. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It’s a funny colour and not fit to drink.
  4. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
  5. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday, and now she is pregnant.
  6. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
  7. The next-door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house, and I just can’t take it anymore.
  8. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6 am, his cock wakes me up, and it’s now getting too much for me.
  9. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
  10. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
  11. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat, and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night?
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Please share this post with your friends:

Did you enjoy these funny complaints letters? Were they as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader?

I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case, then please share this blog post with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now on social media. If you can do that for me then I will be truly grateful, and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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This hilarious joke is guaranteed to make you laugh

01/24/2025 by

We all must laugh at least once daily, wouldn’t you agree? Well, dear reader, if you’ve yet to laugh today, I think this hilarious joke will just be what you need.

This is a joke guaranteed to make you laugh, and it’s one you can tell in the office without worrying about offending people.

So go on, take a minute, and enjoy it.

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Hilarious Joke:

Standing up to the Angels:

A man dies and suddenly finds himself standing in line at the Pearly Gates waiting for St Peter.

With a cloud-connected iPad in his hand, St Peter is checking the details of each individual standing in line to decide whether they’ve done enough to pass through the gates into Heaven.

When the man gets to the front of the queue, St Peter looks at him and says, “Name please?”

“I’m Jim Thompson”, says the man.

“Hello Jim”, says St Peter, “Can you tell me what you did for a living please?”

Jim hesitated momentarily before saying, “Unfortunately I was out of work and living on welfare.”

“Hmmmmm”, says St Peter rubbing his chin. “Have you done anything recently that has benefited your fellow human beings?”

Jim thought for a minute, and then he said, “Well, when I saw a group of Hells Angels abusing a pretty girl in the street, I walked right up to the ringleader, and getting right into his personal space, nose to nose, looking him dead in the eye, I said to him, ‘You show that girl some respect, boy or you and I will have to sort it out man to man’.”

St Peter tapped something into his iPad and considered the response momentarily. Then he said to Jim, “I’m afraid there’s nothing in your records to confirm what you’ve said. When did it happen?”

“About five minutes ago”, said Jim.

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Please share this joke:

If you enjoyed this hilarious joke, dear reader, then please share it on social media with your friends.

Share the fun, and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

And if you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

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25 brilliant one-liners guaranteed to make you smile

01/22/2025 by

If you’re looking for some brilliant one-liners, dear reader, I have some gems for you today.

There’s so much on the Internet and so little time to read it all. And what we all need is a good laugh. The problem is that we haven’t got time to read all the longer jokes.

Worry not. Help is at hand. Here are 25 brilliant one-liners guaranteed to make you smile.

Certainly, they all made me smile.

They’ll only consume 30 seconds of your time, and they’re well worth the effort.

And of course, laughter is the best medicine. So rather than take medication, you can have a good laugh instead.

Surely that’s a win-win situation? Go on, enjoy them all now.

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Brilliant one-liners (1-10):

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

If photons have mass does that mean they’re Catholic?

I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me.

If I had a dollar for every smart person I know I’d be broke.

A liberal is just a conservative who hasn’t been mugged yet.

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Brilliant one-liners (11-20):

I never make mistakes. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don’t have.

Can you increase the bounciness of a waterbed by using spring water?

If you can’t beat them, you could always arrange to have them beaten.

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

I saw a sign that said, “Watch for Children,” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

She wanted a puppy. But I didn’t want a puppy. So, we compromised and got a puppy.

Why is the day you do your housework, laundry, cooking, and ironing called a day off?

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend actually thinking.

Brilliant one-liners (21-25):

You know they’re a real friend when you walk into their house and your WiFi connects automatically.

I’m great at multitasking; I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

If a woman wants to scare a man, the only question she needs to ask is, “Do you know what day it is today?”

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day to survive. It’s a good thing my older brother told me about it.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

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Please share with your friends:

So did any of these prove to be the brilliant one-liners you’d hoped for, dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you.

Brilliant one-liners

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22 bad puns that are so bad they’re funny

01/19/2025 by

If you’re searching for bad puns, this post is for you.

I love puns, as you may have seen in some previous blog posts. The clever use of words always makes me smile. Whether they’re good puns or bad puns, they usually make me laugh.

Today my focus is on bad puns for a change.

So, here are 22 bad puns that reflect on why so many professionals never die.

I hope they brighten your day or, at least, don’t make you groan too much.

Enjoy them all now.

And please, feel free to pass them on.

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Bad Puns: 

  1. Old owls never die they just don’t give a hoot.
  2. Old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal.
  3. Old sculptors never die they just lose their marbles.
  4. Old professors never die they just lose their class.
  5. Old limbo dancers never die they just go under.
  6. Old chemists never die they just fail to react.
  7. Old mathematicians never die they just disintegrate.
  8. Old investors never die they just roll over.
  9. Old printers never die they’re just not the type.
  10. Old sanitation engineers never die they’re just dumped.
  11. Old police officers never die they just cop out.
  12. Old bankers never die they just lose interest.
  13. Old sewage workers never die they just waste away.
  14. Old electricians never die they just lose contact.
  15. Old accountants never die they just lose their figures.
  16. Old photographers never die they just stop developing.
  17. Old doctors never die they just lose their patience.
  18. Old tailors never die they just get stitched up.
  19. Old chauffeurs never die they just lose their drive.
  20. Old quarterbacks never die they just pass away.
  21. Old cleaners never die they just kick the bucket.
  22. Old cooks never die they just get deranged.
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Can you add another one?

On the theme of old professionals never dying, can you add another one to this list?

Maybe you could make one up and entertain our readers? Perhaps a pun related to your profession or hobby? I’ll bet you can, dear reader.

Go on, have a go at writing one of your own, and send it to me via the Contact Page.

The page will then be updated and you’ll get a full acknowledgement on this post for your contribution

I’m confident readers will have lots of great ideas. So go on, let me have them now.

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I hope these bad puns made you laugh, dear reader.

However, perhaps you feel that you could use another laugh. If so, click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

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It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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3 Really funny jokes to tell your friends today

01/17/2025 by

If you want people to like you, then always have a funny joke to make them laugh. Here are some very funny jokes to tell your friends today.

They all made me laugh, and I hope they’ll make you and your friends laugh too.

Enjoy them all.

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Funny jokes to tell your friends:

1. The infected thumb:

Bill’s away from home on a business trip and, as he’s on expenses, he decides he’ll have a nice three-course meal in a restaurant.

He takes his seat at the table, exchanges a little conversation with the waitress, places his order and then relaxes with a glass of red wine waiting for his food to arrive.

It’s not long before the waitress brings him a nice, warm bowl of clam chowder with crackers. However, he can’t help but notice that her thumb is sticking in the chowder. He’s not happy but he lets it go.

A little later, the waitress arrives with a plate filled with delicious Spaghetti Carbonara but once again, her thumb is immersed in the spaghetti. Again, Bill’s not happy but he lets it go.

Then as he’s looking forward to his dessert, the waitress returns with some hot apple pie, but once again her thumb is sticking in Bill’s food.

“Mam”, says Bill angrily, “every time you bring my food your thumb’s sticking in it. Why is that?”

“Oh I am so sorry sir”, the waitress responds, “but my thumb has an infection and my doctor says I must keep it warm and moist at all times.”

Disgusted by what he’s hearing, Bill snaps angrily, “Well, why don’t you just stick it up your ass?”

Sheepishly the waitress replies, “Where do you think I’ve been putting it when I’m in the kitchen?”

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2. The fishing trip:

Four married men are going on a weekend fishing trip.

They’re exchanging banter in the car on the way to the lake when Jim says, “Guys, you’ve no idea what I had to do to persuade my wife to agree to me joining you on this trip. I’ve had to promise to redecorate the living room and our bedroom next weekend.”

“That’s nothing”, says Mike. “I had to promise my wife that I would build a new deck around the pool area next weekend.”

“You both had it easy”, says Ed. “I had to promise my wife that I’d buy her a new kitchen, as well as pay for her to go fashion shopping in Milan, Italy with her friends next summer.”

They carry on down the highway laughing and joking, but then they realize their friend Vic has yet to say anything.

“Hey Vic”, says Jim, “what did you have to do to get the green light to come with us on this fishing weekend?”

“Not much really”, says Vic, “I just set the alarm for 5.30 am. When it went off, I tapped my wife on the shoulder and said, ‘will you make love with me or should I go fishing?’ to which she responded, ‘take a warm sweater with you, dear.’”

3. The well and the goat:

Two friends, Bert and Mack were out walking one day when they came across an old abandoned well.

Naturally, they were curious as to how deep this well might be, so they dropped a stone down it and listened for the sound of the stone hitting the bottom. But they didn’t hear anything.

So they found a much larger rock and then dropped that down the well but still, they didn’t hear anything.

Clearly, this was a very deep well and they needed something much, much bigger if they were going to hear anything at all.

So Bert and Mack searched around for a while and eventually they found a section of railroad track leaning up against a wall.

“This’ll be perfect”, said Bert.

So between them, they lifted this heavy piece of cast iron and with great effort managed to carry back to the well and drop it down the hole.

As they stood back to listen, a goat suddenly flashed past their eyes and went straight down the well too.

Bert and Mack were still recovering from the shock resulting from what they’d just seen when a farmer appeared.

“Have you boys seen a goat?” asked the farmer.

“Yes”, said Mack, “a goat has just jumped down this well.”

“No, that couldn’t have been my goat”, said the farmer. “Mine was tethered to a heavy length of railroad track.”

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I hope so. If they did make you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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10 memorable lines from the movies you’ll enjoy

01/10/2025 by

If you’re looking for some memorable lines from the movies, then you might just enjoy the ones I have for you today.

I love the movies and all the clever lines that are so memorable.

So I thought it would be a good idea to share with you 10 memorable lines from the movies.

I think these are some of the best lines of all time.

Enjoy them all. And please, feel free to pass them on.

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Memorable lines from the movies

I’ll Have What She’s Having. ~When Harry Met Sally (1989)

It’s not the years, honey. It’s the mileage. ~Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life. ~Animal House (1978)

Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the War Room! ~Dr Strangelove (1964)

There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy. ~The First Wives Club (1996)

There’s only two things I hate in this world: people who are intolerant of other peoples’ cultures and the Dutch. ~Goldmember (2002)

I was married. My husband cheated on me left and right. He made me feel like I was crazy all the time. One day he tells me it’s my fault he saw other women. So I picked up a knife and told him it was his fault I was stabbing him. Yeah, I did a little jail time but it was worth it. ~Living Out Loud (1998)

There’s no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you’ll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane? ~Airplane! (1980)

Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I. ~What About Bob? (1991)

You’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk. ~Dirty Harry (1971)

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And a bonus memorable line from television:

I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? ~Chandler Bing, Friends

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Were these some of the most memorable lines of all time?

If you were impressed with this post then please share it with your friends on social media.

People do love the movies, so share this post now. When you share, everyone wins.

And if you could share this post, I’d be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

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22 Funny Winston Churchill Quotes

01/06/2025 by

If you’re looking for some funny Winston Churchill quotes, then you’ve come to the right place, dear reader.

Today I’ve curated 22 little gems that might just make you smile.

Churchill was, of course, a British statesman and writer, a famous wartime leader, and twice Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Above all, he was a man with a memorable turn of phrase, whatever the occasion.

Anyway, take a few moments to enjoy all of these excellent quotes.

And then, please feel free to pass them on.

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Funny Winston Churchill Quotes (1-11):

  1. I am easily satisfied with the very best.
  2. Don’t interrupt me while I’m interrupting.
  3. History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
  4. I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.
  5. He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
  6. An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
  7. Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.
  8. We are masters of the unsaid words, but slaves of those we let slip out.
  9. A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.
  10. The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.
  11. Personally, I’m always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.
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Funny Winston Churchill Quotes (12-22):

  1. I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
  2. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
  3. Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
  4. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
  5. From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.
  6. I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
  7. Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.
  8. Show me a young Conservative and I’ll show you someone with no heart. Show me an old Liberal and I’ll show you someone with no brains.
  9. If you have an important point to make, don’t try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time—a tremendous whack.
  10. Everyone is in favour of free speech. Hardly a day passes without its being extolled, but some people’s idea of it is that they are free to say what they like, but if anyone else says anything back, that is an outrage.
  11. Lady Astor: “Winston, if I were your wife, I’d put poison in your coffee.” Winston Churchill: “Nancy, if I were your husband, I’d drink it.”

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Did you find these funny Winston Churchill quotes as interesting and amusing as you’d hoped, dear reader?

You did? I hope so anyway.

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Go on, please share this post now on social media. If you can do that for me then I will be truly grateful.

Thank you for your support.

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