10 funny but stupid jokes that’ll tickle your children

Stupid Jokes

One of life’s great joys is sharing a laugh with children.

There’s nothing quite as infectious as a child laughing uncontrollably. I’m sure you’ll agree with that, dear reader.

All you need is a little ammunition in the form of a book of stupid jokes, and you’re well on your way to creating memories that will last a lifetime.

I recently stumbled upon a hilarious book that works well with young children.

The book is Smarties Big Book of Stupid Jokes by Michael Powell, and I think it’s hilarious. It’s stuffed full of the sort of stupid jokes you’d find in Christmas crackers.

It contains an excellent collection of over 2,500 hilariously funny and silly jokes, all guaranteed to get a child laughing.

So take a break from the smartphones and iPads and you can have hours of fun making your children laugh and showing them there’s life beyond electronic gadgets.

Each joke has a simple two-line structure, poking fun at everything from addled animals to witless wizards. These are jokes that children will love, and they’ll be eager to share them with their friends.

This collection of jokes will allow children to dazzle their friends, disarm their enemies, and impress their teachers.

And remember, if a child has a stock of jokes to tell, then they’ll always be popular with their peer group.

So I’ve got to tell you, dear reader, you can’t lose with this book. It’s inexpensive and a sure-fire winner.

Allow me to offer you some examples of the wit and humour that you’ll find between the covers of Smarties Big Book of Stupid Jokes by Michael Powell:

Stupid jokes just for you:

  • What did one pig say to the other?
  • Let’s be pen pals
  • Why do cows lie down when it’s cold?
  • To keep each udder warm
  • Which fish go to heaven when they die?
  • Angel fish
  • Why don’t bears wear socks?
  • Because they like to walk in their bear feet
  • What’s black and white and eats like a horse?
  • A zebra
  • What’s out of bounds?
  • An exhausted kangaroo
  • Why are anteaters good workers?
  • Because a little aardvark never hurt anyone
  • Why shouldn’t you tell a pig a secret?
  • Because pigs are squealers
  • What do porcupines have that other animals don’t?
  • Baby porcupines
  • Why did the chicken walk on the telephone wire?
  • She wanted to lay it on the line

The book Smarties Big Book of Stupid Jokes by Michael Powell is available from Amazon and if you’d like to take a look inside or purchase a copy, then just CLICK HERE

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21 funny quotes you’ll absolutely love

I love quotes, and I love those funny quotes that make you smile and make you think.

Here are 21 funny quotes to highlight my point. Enjoy them all.

Funny quotes:

  1. Smile today, because tomorrow could be worse. ~Anonymous
  2. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. ~Anonymous
  3. I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it. ~Anonymous
  4. You’re born free, then you’re taxed to death. ~Anonymous
  5. He who wakes up early yawns all day long. ~Anonymous
  6. I’m not lazy; I’m just very relaxed. ~Anonymous
  7. Those who snore always fall asleep first. ~Anonymous
  8. Stupidity is far more fascinating than intelligence; after all, intelligence has its limits. ~Anonymous
  9. I just wanted you to know somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does. ~Anonymous
  10. “Revenge” sounds so mean; that’s why I prefer to call it “Returning the favor.” ~Anonymous
  11. The probability of meeting someone you know increases a hundredfold when you’re with someone you’re not supposed to be seen with. ~Anonymous
  12. It’s alright if you don’t agree with me. I can’t force you to be right. ~Anonymous
  13. To make a mistake is human, but to blame it on someone else, now that shows political skill. ~Anonymous
  14. It may look like I’m doing nothing but in my head, I’m quite busy. ~Anonymous
  15. When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn’t then go in through the window. ~Anonymous
  16. Doing nothing is hard because you never know when you’re done. ~Anonymous
  17. Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. ~Anonymous
  18. I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food. I don’t even know where sandwiches live. ~Anonymous
  19. Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I have problems, you’re there. Whenever I lose control, you’re there. Let’s face it, you’re bad luck. ~Anonymous
  20. I don’t need anger management. You just need to stop making me angry! ~Anonymous
  21. My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one. ~Anonymous
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funny quotes

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these funny quotes made you smile, then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share them now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

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How to turn enterprise into money and riches

How to turn Enterprise into Money and RichesBeing poor is sh*t. ~Bob Geldof

The media personality and former rock star Bob Geldof’s communication style tends to be blunt and to the point. He’s not a man to sugarcoat his words, or so it seems. However, he does make an important point here.

People may tell you that money isn’t important, but next to oxygen, it’s essential for a life worth living. You couldn’t live long without it today.

Exactly how much money you need depends on your preferred lifestyle, of course. However, even for a fairly basic lifestyle, a reasonable income is necessary.

None of us want to be poor, of course. Fortunately, we don’t have to be. It’s possible to turn enterprise into money, and money into wealth and riches.

And what do I mean by enterprise? I mean your energy, your resourcefulness, your imagination, your know-how and skills, your ambition, and your determination to make life better for you and your loved ones.

Essentially, you can make your life better simply by making it better for other people.

What is work?

The key message today is that you don’t need to be employed by a commercial enterprise or corporation to earn money.

While being employed is one way to earn money, it’s also perfectly feasible to establish your own business and earn your living by being self-employed.

And in the age of the Internet, it’s never been easier to start a business, even if you have very little money to invest.

Remember also that you can start a business initially as a part-time side hustle while being employed until it’s generating enough income for that business to become your primary means of making a living.

And never forget, for most people, the only way you’ll ever get seriously rich is through your own business.

Certainly, unless you’re a Wall Street investment banker or a lawyer, you’re unlikely to get seriously rich being someone’s employee, trading your time for money.

The key to success in business

The key to success in your own business is to find a way to solve problems for people for profit. That’s the way to turn your enterprise into money. And it’s a lot easier than you might imagine.

Let’s face it, there’ll always be plenty of customers for products and services, some of which are yet to be invented.

People will always have problems, and they’ll always need solutions to those problems.

Remember, every product sold by a company is a solution to a problem, or at least it should be.

Turn enterprise into money

Quotes about workIf you continually educate yourself on skills and know-how, then you can create wealth by seeking out customers for whom you can deliver solutions to their problems and/or provide them with services for which they have a need.

If you can satisfy those customers, then you’ll make money, and quite possibly a lot of money, if you can scale up that business as your customer base grows.

Manage your money wisely, and you can build your wealth too.

Determination, hard work, and an eye for problems to be solved are the main ingredients for business success. Your enterprise really can lead you to great wealth.

You don’t have to be poor

You don’t have to be poor unless you’ve given up and you’re just accepting that being poor is your lot in life. It’s not, and nor should it be.

You’re perfectly capable of generating your income, dear reader.

You just need to do stuff for other people and find a way to add value to their lives. In this case, adding value means solving problems or making their lives easier and/or better in some way.

Help yourself by helping others get what they need

It all comes down to your willingness to find a way to serve others. Simple!

There are opportunities there for you to take every single day of the week if you’re enterprising and ready to solve problems for other people. However, you do need to be fleet-footed.

The best time to start a business might have been last year, but the next best time is right now.

And age is no barrier to starting a business either. Remember, Colonel Sanders was 65 years old when he started KFC, and Ray Kroc was 52 when he started building the business we know as McDonald’s.

It can be done, and people do. Why not you? Go on, just go for it! Real riches can be yours.

Good luck!

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15 funny work quotes that will certainly resonate with you

funny work quotesToday I thought it would be amusing to explore some funny work quotes.

Personally, I love my work. I love having a sense of purpose and something to get me out of bed each day.

However, not everyone feels the way I do and anyway, it’s never a good idea to take anything too seriously.

Occasionally we must laugh at the nature of human existence. And a good place to start laughing is with the subject of work.

Love it or hate it, it dominates all our lives nevertheless. So today I’ve pulled together 15 funny work quotes to make you smile.

Once again these quotes come from many sources but one, in particular, I must acknowledge and that’s Cool Funny Quotes where you’ll find some of these and many more besides. So check it out.

Funny work quotes:

  1. Hard work never killed anybody but why take a chance? ~Edgar Bergen
  2. I don’t work on weekends or any other day that ends with “Y”. ~Author Unknown
  3. The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television. ~Author Unknown
  4. Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. ~Groucho Marx
  5. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. ~The Simpsons
  6. If A is success in life, then A is equal to X plus Y plus Z. Where X is work; Y is play, and Z is keeping your mouth shut. ~Albert Einstein (well, maybe!)
  7. As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Payday, lunchtime, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement. ~Tom Goins
  8. If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter. ~John Gotti
  9. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential that word would be ‘meetings.’ ~Dave Barry
  10. He’s so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor. ~Paddy O’Dea
  11. Why is Monday so far from Friday and Friday so close to Monday? ~Author Unknown
  12. Got to work this morning and my boss told me ‘have a good day’, so I went home and had a great day! ~Author Unknown
  13. Work is just something I’m doing until I win the lottery. ~Author Unknown
  14. Sometimes the best part of my job is that my chair swivels. ~Author Unknown
  15. I once had a job in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate. ~Author Unknown

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If any of these funny quotes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share them now.

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How to develop effective time management skills

Time Management SkillsTime Management Skills:

Developing effective time management skills is an essential ingredient for success, and I’m sure you’ll agree. You can’t add real value without making the best use of your time.

However, making the best use of it is not always easy in practice, is it?

So, how good are you, dear reader, at managing your time?

Do you have a reputation for being ruthlessly efficient and productive, or are you someone who’s always struggling to keep up?

When someone asks you to do something in the office, do you accept their request without question and simply add the task to your ‘To Do’ list? If you do, you’re not alone. Many people will do that, in my experience.

Alternatively, perhaps you’re the type who thinks carefully relative to your priorities before you accept such a request. Now be honest. We’d all like to think we’re the latter, when in fact far too many people are the former I think.

Productivity is what matters:

In the world of work, it’s easy to confuse being busy with being productive, but these two concepts are not the same thing at all, are they?

For instance, you can be busy doing things that don’t need doing at all. Whereas being genuinely productive means delivering real results from high-value tasks, which can only be done by someone with your skills.

And let’s face it, reputations are built by being productive, not merely by being busy. It’s the results you deliver, not the energy you expend, that matter most.

Time is your most precious resource:

How often do you hear someone say, “Oh, I would love to do that, if only I had the time.

And yet we all have the same amount of time, i.e. 168 hours per week.

Time is simply a resource like money, although it’s more important than money. I say that because you can get more money, but you can’t get more time. None of us can do that, can we?

So you must learn to use your time wisely. Time is your most precious resource, so you must develop effective time management skills.

High-value tasks must take precedence:

Modern pressures mean it’s easy for us to try to do too many things. We can all be a bit like that, including me, dear reader.

Our lives are cluttered with too many activities, too many objectives, too many distractions, and far too many demands on our time.

The result is that we tend to lose focus on what matters most and in the end we don’t do anything as well as we should have done.

In my experience, in most jobs, you’ll find that 90% of productivity is down to completing the top three or four major activities within that job. What I call high-value tasks.

If you take the top three major activities – the high-value tasks – associated with your job and focus on those to the exclusion of just about everything else you’ll almost certainly maximise your productivity and efficiency.

Most common time management mistake:

The problem is, when we’re working, we seem to find it easier to focus on minor tasks and random actions requested by other people.

We feel obliged to accept requests from others. It’s a common mistake of which we can all be guilty.

Now, while tidying up all those minor tasks might make us feel like we’re achieving some quick wins, we’re usually fooling ourselves.

By the end of the day, we’re usually left with a sense that we haven’t done all we should have done, and that leaves us feeling stressed.

And that’s when we start to think about how we might improve our time management.

We can’t do everything, nor should we try:

We must recognise that we can’t do everything, but we can be selective about what we choose to do.

And if we’re going to get those major tasks of higher value completed, then they must take precedence over those low-value, minor tasks, which can always wait if necessary.

High-value tasks should always take precedence over low-value tasks.

Work smarter:

People often think of time management as a skill that would allow them to work faster. Well, let me tell you this: that’s not the idea at all.

Effective time management skills allow us to work smarter rather than harder.

Instead of getting lost in the minutiae of everyday life, with effective time management skills, we focus on and prioritise those things that will add the most value to our productivity. In other words, we focus on high-value activity.

The law of three:

So. if time management is an issue for you, dear reader, start by taking a good, hard look at your list of daily activities and asking yourself these three questions:

  1. What single task can only I do and, when completed by me, will add the most value to the business?
  2. What’s the second task on my list that only I can do, and when I’ve completed it, will allow me to add the most value to the business?
  3. What is the third task on my list that only I can do and that, when completed by me, will add the most value to the business?

Once you’ve identified your list of three major, high-value tasks, that’s where your focus should be each day before you touch any other minor tasks or accept random requests from other people.

Most powerful time management tool:

The point of work is to deliver results. You’ll deliver the best results if you concentrate on your top three major tasks first.

And never forget that you’ll be judged by the results you deliver. No one cares what you have to do for someone else, they only care about the results they expect from you.

Your time is your time, and you must decide how it is to be used most effectively.

Just because someone asks for a piece of your time doesn’t mean you’re obliged to give it to them at the expense of your productivity. Never be afraid to deploy the most effective time management tool of them all.

And what is the most effective time-management tool? It’s the word NO.

Think of the word NO as a baseball bat.

Whenever someone requests that you do something, NO is how you can whack that request right out of the ballpark.

Be in control of your time, at all times:

You’re not obliged to agree to a request even if someone asks nicely. It’s reasonable to be working to your priorities.

All too often we feel obliged to do things for other people when we should have just said politely, “No, I’m sorry, but I can’t do that right now for you because I have to deliver this by 5 pm and it’s a priority.”

If our productivity matters to us, and it should, then our focus should always be on our major, high-value deliverables.

Unfortunately, we allow ourselves to be driven by the agendas of other people.

However that’s not good for our productivity, nor is it good for our well-being or stress levels.

People will take everything you’re prepared to give:

I can tell you from experience that other people will take everything you’re prepared to give and a bit more besides. That’s the nature of people.

However, if you fail to deliver what you’re being paid to deliver, then no list of incidental work completed for other people will be accepted as an adequate plea in your defence when your boss wants to know why you’ve failed to deliver your high-value results.

If you’re painting my house, I’ll measure you on the quality and timeliness of your work, not the amount of help you gave to my neighbour by, say, looking after her dog.

What you do for other people is irrelevant to me, should you fail to deliver what I’m paying you to deliver.

Focus on your priorities:

In reality, if your colleagues can’t get something done by you, they’ll simply ask someone else. So let them.

Why worry? Just be very polite when faced with a random request, but say NO firmly. I can tell you this: you’ll have to be disciplined, but it’s a habit worth developing.

We can all be guilty of expending far too much of our energy helping other people achieve their aims, to the detriment of our interests and our ability to deliver high-value results.

To achieve anything of significance in life, we must be focused on our major activities.

We must concentrate on completing our big three major high-value deliverables daily and focus relentlessly on working towards achieving our own goals generally.

The need for balance:

If you’re asked to do something, then it’s perfectly reasonable to say NO, if doing otherwise would prevent you from delivering the results you’re being paid to deliver on time.

Yes, of course, occasionally there will be tasks you’re obliged to accept for whatever reason.

However, mostly being firm in declining such a request is a sign that you’re assertive and in control of delivering as much value as possible.

Another polite but firm response to a request might be something like, “Sorry, I would love to help you with that, but I cannot right now because I have my hands full with the deadline for this project.

As with everything, there is a balance to be struck, of course.

Sometimes it’s in your interest to do someone a favour because one day you might need them to return that favour. That’s reasonable, provided you always retain a primary focus on keeping your main things the main things.

Conclusion:

You should always ensure that you’re making progress towards achieving your big three deliverables and your own goals generally.

It’s perfectly reasonable to have your agenda and a desire to achieve your own goals and add the greatest value only you can add.

If you want to make a difference, focus on your three major activities.

Those activities that only you can do.

And to ensure that you’re doing that, don’t be afraid to use the most effective time management tool of them all whenever necessary. Use the word NO politely but firmly.

Always keep the main things the main things.

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Time Management SkillsDid you find this article interesting and useful?

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How to overcome laziness in 4 steps

HOW TO OVERCOME LAZINESS Laziness can get the best of us, can’t it?

We’d all love to be more productive, but often we lack the energy and drive.

Do you ever feel a little work-shy and sluggish, dear reader? If you do, you’re not alone.

The problem is that if we don’t deal with our laziness, we can never get anything done.

And if we don’t get anything done, work and chores all pile up, which increases our stress levels. Small jobs can become very big jobs if we get into the habit of leaving things for another day.

And that makes it even harder for us to get going and get things done.

We have to be on top of our work all the time, whether we’re in the office or at home.

And to do that, we have to be on top of our feelings of laziness and force ourselves to get going if necessary.

Do you need help to overcome your laziness? Don’t worry; help is at hand.

How To Overcome Laziness In 4 Steps: The Video

In this short video, Emil Ihsan-Alexander Torabi offers some useful advice on how you can overcome your inclination to laziness, should it be a problem for you.

We can all be lazy at times, and I’m as guilty as the next person. However, the tips in this video have helped me, so I recommend them to you.

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11 great one-liner jokes that will make your toes curl

GREAT ONE-LINER JOKESHere are another 11 one-liners brought to my attention by readers, which I thought I’d share with you.

I can’t be sure of their origins, but they all made me smile, and I hope they brighten your day too, dear reader.

These are great one-liner jokes that will make your toes curl, I’m sure. I hope so anyway.

Enjoy them all.

Great one-liner jokes:

  1. A girl’s thoughts when she starts dating a guy – Date #1: That’s a really nice shirt. Date #2: Wow. That’s another nice shirt. Date #3: That’s the shirt he wore on our first date. Date #4: OK, he’s only got two decent shirts.
  2. The four sweetest words you can use when people didn’t listen to you? I told you so!
  3. My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I definitely laugh more.
  4. I prefer living in the past. At least the cost of housing was much cheaper.
  5. Military personnel can be charged for losing equipment. In the army you’ll pay $150 for losing your rifle. That explains why, in the Navy, a captain will always go down with his ship.
  6. I gave my wife the silent treatment for an entire week. At the end of it she said to me, “It’s been nice this week, we’ve really been getting on well.”
  7. There’s a new support group for compulsive talkers. It’s called On Anon.
  8. I’ve just found the worst page in my dictionary. The content is disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, disingenuous and disreputable.
  9. Why bother keeping up with the Joneses when you could drag them down to your level. Surely it’s less expensive that way?
  10. For Christmas or birthdays, buy your kids a set of batteries and just put a note inside saying “Toys not included.”
  11. My favourite hobby is going down to the beach and burying metal objects that have the words “Get a Life” inscribed on them.

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If any of these great one-liner jokes made you smile, please share this post with your friends on social media.

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It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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Change habits and you can change your life

Change HabitsIs your life not quite going in the direction you’d like it to go, dear reader?

Somehow, you can’t quite achieve the results you’d like to achieve. Would that be true?

In the video included here, Bob Proctor explains that the reason you’re stuck and can’t get the results you want is likely to be because of a paradigm.

And what’s a paradigm?

Well, Bob goes on to explain what paradigms are and how they are formed.

He also explains how change can be achieved.

If change is something you’d like to achieve, then this is a really interesting presentation; it is fairly short but worth watching.

I recommend it to you, so take a few minutes and check it out now.

Change your habits:

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Funniest One-liners: 66 silly jokes to tickle you

FUNNIEST ONE-LINERSIf you’re looking for a laugh, here is a collection of silly jokes, corny puns, and some of the funniest one-liners you will read today.

Yes, they’re all a bit corny, but I’m confident many of them will tickle you too.

So, take a few moments to enjoy them all.

And don’t forget that everyone needs a little laughter in their lives.

So, please pass them on.

Thank you, dear reader.

Funniest one-liners (1-22):

  1. Add insult to injury; sign someone’s cast.
  2. You mustn’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.
  3. 6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
  4. If you need help building an ark, I Noah guy.
  5. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  6. One exotic bird can’t make a pun but toucan.
  7. Just when you think you’ve got a good life, it’s broken.
  8. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
  9. I’m suffering from schizophrenia, but I’m good people.
  10. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s on my list.
  11. I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
  12. What do dogs do when watching a DVD? Press paws.
  13. I wanted to be a doctor, but I didn’t have the patients.
  14. I went to a seafood disco, and I ended up pulling a mussel.
  15. Two WiFi engineers got married. The reception was fantastic.
  16. How do scientists freshen their breath? With experi-mints!
  17. My wife’s bakery burned down last night. Her business is toast.
  18. What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner!
  19. I bought my gun from a guy called T-Rex. He was a small arms dealer.
  20. I got fired from my job as a set designer. So I left without making a scene.
  21. What’s the easiest way to burn 2,000 calories? You leave a tray of brownies in the oven while you’re taking a nap.
  22. A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres.

Funniest one-liners (23-44):

  1. How do rabbits travel? By hareplanes.
  2. What kind of music do planets like? Neptunes.
  3. How do you count cows? With a cow-culator.
  4. What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships.
  5. When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.
  6. What do cows most like to read? Cattle-logs.
  7. What do lawyers wear to work? Lawsuits.
  8. I was going to tell a pizza joke, but it’s too cheesy.
  9. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
  10. I’m on a whisky diet, and I’ve lost three days already.
  11. How do you tell if a vampire’s sick? Check if he’s coffin.
  12. How many people are buried in the cemetery? All of them.
  13. What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.
  14. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
  15. The cannibal arrived late for the buffet, so he was given the cold shoulder.
  16. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
  17. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
  18. Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop?
  19. Why did the girl give her pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse.
  20. What makes long division such hard work? All those numerals you have to carry.
  21. I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up my pillow was gone.
  22. Cinderella tried out for the basketball team at high school, but she kept running away from the ball.

66 funniest one-linersFunniest one-liners (45-66):

  1. What do you call a sad cow? A blue moo.
  2. What has a bottom at the top? Your legs.
  3. How can you see flying saucers? Trip up a waiter.
  4. What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality.
  5. Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
  6. What did the cake say to the fork? You want a piece of me?
  7. Who ruled France until he exploded? Napoleon Blownapart.
  8. Why did the bee start talking poetry? It was waxing lyrical.
  9. Why don’t melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
  10. Who went into the tiger’s den and came out alive? The tiger.
  11. How does fast light travel? The same way that slow light travels.
  12. What do you get if you cross a crocodile with a camera? A snapshot.
  13. What’s the longest piece of furniture in the world? A multiplication table.
  14. What do you get if you cross a hula dancer with a boxer? A Hawaiian punch.
  15. What did the waiter say to the skunk? Sorry, I can’t take your odour.
  16. She was only a plumber’s daughter, but she sure gave my heart a wrench.
  17. What’s brown and hairy and wears sunglasses? A coconut on holiday.
  18. What do you get if you cross a compass with a shellfish? A guided mussel.
  19. Why did the robber jump in the bathtub? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
  20. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
  21. What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine? Give me my quarterback.
  22. Why is a room full of married people empty? Because there isn’t a single person in it.

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15 Very Funny One-Liners by Billy Connolly

Billy ConnollyBilly Connolly is known to millions around the world as an irreverent comedian with a laser-sharp wit, as well as an exceptional storyteller.

Often known affectionately as The Big Yin, his contribution to popular entertainment, particularly in Britain, over the past 40 years has been enormous.

He started his life working as a welder in the Glasgow shipyards and moved on to a career as a folk singer, initially with Gerry Rafferty and then as a solo artist.

Through that, he gradually found his natural calling, which was to make us all laugh and cheer us up. And at this, he excels.

Through his work as a comedian, he’s broadened his popular appeal through acting and presenting. In recognition of his achievements and his charitable work, he is now formally Sir William Connolly, CBE.

Billy Connolly is an excellent example of someone who, by finding something he both enjoys and excels at, has been very successful.

So today, dear reader, I offer you 15 very funny one-liners by Billy Connolly just to remind you of how witty he is. Enjoy them all.

Funny one-liners by Billy Connolly:

  1. Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn’t try it on. ~Billy Connolly
  2. Marriage is a wonderful invention. Then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. ~Billy Connolly
  3. My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. ~Billy Connolly
  4. Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time? ~Billy Connolly
  5. I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. ~Billy Connolly
  6. I don’t know why I should have to learn algebra. I’m never likely to go there. ~Billy Connolly
  7. If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name? ~Billy Connolly
  8. A lot of people say it’s a lack of vocabulary that makes you swear. Rubbish. I know thousands of words, but I still prefer f***. ~Billy Connolly
  9. What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find? ~Billy Connolly
  10. When people say, ‘It’s always the last place you look,”. Of course, it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it? ~Billy Connolly
  11. When something is ‘new and improved!’ which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it. ~Billy Connolly
  12. Why do people say, ‘Oh, you want to have your cake and eat it too?’ Dead right! What good is a cake if you can’t eat it? ~Billy Connolly
  13. A bird in the hand invariably shits on your wrist. ~Billy Connolly
  14. When you’re waiting for the bus and someone asks, ‘Has the bus come yet?’ If the bus came, would I be standing here?  ~Billy Connolly
  15. My advice to you if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard. ~Billy Connolly

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Billy ConnollyDid these funny one-liners from Billy Connolly make you smile?

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