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Daily Habits of Successful People

07/21/2024 by Roy Sutton

If success is your aim, can you learn from the daily habits of successful people?

Certainly, I believe quite strongly, that we are what we do on a daily basis.

Anything you achieve or don’t achieve is brought about by the habits you develop over time.

Everything you do is a result of your habits, good or bad. So surely it makes sense to develop and maintain good habits and make them your master?

The power of repetition:

Habits, good or bad, are formed through repetition.

Good habits can be hard to form but they’re easy to live with. Whereas bad habits whilst easy to form tend to be very hard to live with. Our lives can become a battle of good habits versus bad habits. Don’t let the bad habits win.

Good habits can be learned and bad habits can be replaced by good habits. Yes, it requires self-discipline on your part dear reader but it can be done and people do.

Decide on the habits you want to develop and focus on achieving them one at a time.

Start with one good habit:

Start with one good habit you’d like to form and then force yourself to repeat the necessary actions daily.

After around three weeks that habit will be formed and it will just become part of your routine. You’ll start to repeat it with little or no thought. Essentially you’ll do it on autopilot.

If you have a bad habit you wish to replace with a good habit then each time you find yourself about to perform the actions of the bad habit, stop yourself and perform the actions of the good habit instead. Again after around three weeks, the good habit will be programmed into your brain.

Self-discipline is key:

Successful people are driven to develop good habits. Self-discipline is the key ingredient for good habits to form and for replacing bad habits.

Successful people also establish the habit of goal setting on a daily basis.

You cannot hit a target unless you can see that target. Setting a goal is the first step in achieving that goal. Successful people are results-oriented.

Successful people are also people-oriented.

The power of helping others:

You get what you want in life by helping other people get what they want.

Every product is a solution to a problem. Even if your goal is to sing or dance, to succeed you must always recognise that you perform to and for people.

They have a need to be entertained and your aim is to fulfil that need. To solve this particular problem for them if you like.

In dealing with people you must be honest and show integrity if you are to win the respect of others.

So honesty is a good habit to develop. Dishonesty and cheating will catch up with you and will be a permanent stain on your reputation. You don’t need that now, do you?

Look after your health:

And above all, you must look after your health. You have one body and one mind and they must last you a lifetime.

So develop the habit of taking good care of both.

To reinforce the message of the importance of repetition and routine I‘ve included this excellent video from Brian Tracy.

Brian is always a source of great advice for anyone seeking success and aiming to create a successful life for themselves and certainly, he’s one of my main sources of constant inspiration.

The video is short but well worth your time and I recommend you watch it now.

Habits of successful people:

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Filed Under: Wisdom Tagged With: Achievement, being the best, Inspiration, Life, Making Money, money, Motivation, Philosophy, Sage Advice, Stress-free, Success, Wealth, Wisdom

15 Very Funny One-Liners by Billy Connolly

07/16/2024 by Roy Sutton

Billy Connolly is known to millions worldwide as an irreverent comedian with a laser-sharp wit and an exceptional storyteller.

Often known affectionately as The Big Yin, his contribution to popular entertainment, particularly in Britain, has been enormous over the past 40 years.

He started working as a welder in the Glasgow shipyards and moved on to a career as a folk singer, initially with Gerry Rafferty and then as a solo artist.

Through that, he gradually found his natural calling, which was to make us all laugh and cheer us up. And at this, he excels.

Through his work as a comedian, he’s broadened his popular appeal through acting and presenting. In recognition of his achievements and his charitable work, he is now formally Sir William Connolly, CBE.

Billy Connolly is an excellent example of someone who, by finding something he both enjoys and excels at, has been very successful.

So today, dear reader, I offer you 15 very funny one-liners by Billy Connolly just to remind you of how witty he is. Enjoy them all.

Funny one-liners by Billy Connolly:

Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn’t try it on. ~Billy Connolly
Marriage is a wonderful invention. Then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. ~Billy Connolly
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. ~Billy Connolly
Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time? ~Billy Connolly
I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. ~Billy Connolly
I don’t know why I should have to learn algebra. I’m never likely to go there. ~Billy Connolly
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name? ~Billy Connolly
A lot of people say it’s a lack of vocabulary that makes you swear. Rubbish. I know thousands of words, but I still prefer f***. ~Billy Connolly
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find? ~Billy Connolly
When people say, ‘It’s always the last place you look,”. Of course, it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it? ~Billy Connolly
When something is ‘new and improved!’ which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it. ~Billy Connolly
Why do people say, ‘Oh, you want to have your cake and eat it too?’ Dead right! What good is a cake if you can’t eat it? ~Billy Connolly
A bird in the hand invariably sh*** on your wrist. ~Billy Connolly
When you’re waiting for the bus and someone asks, ‘Has the bus come yet?’ If the bus came, would I be standing here? ~Billy Connolly
My advice to you if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard. ~Billy Connolly

Did these funny one-liners from Billy Connolly make you smile?

I hope so. However, you will have plenty more laughs if you click the links below.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read, then please share it all with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share it now, I would be forever grateful. You’d be helping a wannabe blogger reach a wider audience.

Your support is appreciated, dear reader. Thank you.

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Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, Billy Connolly, fun, funny, Hilarious, humor, humour, jokes, Laugh, LOL, Meaning, Philosophy, Quotes by Billy Connolly, smile, Stress-free

5 funny story jokes that’ll make you chuckle

06/04/2024 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for funny story jokes, I’ve got five little gems for you today.

So grab a coffee, and then take a few moments to enjoy them all.

And please feel free to pass them on.

Funny Story Jokes:

1. How to impress the girl of your dreams:

Young Josh is a 16-year-old, shy and socially awkward guy constantly dreaming of dating a girl, like many young men of his age.

As luck would have it, the real object of his affection lives right next door to him. Her name’s Charlene, she’s slim, attractive, cultured, and perfectly poised.

However, poor Josh is a little too bashful to engage her in conversation.

Nevertheless, that doesn’t stop him from watching her dreamily from his bedroom window as she wanders across her yard each morning.

One day Josh’s father notices him watching Charlene from his bedroom window.

“Josh, if you like the girl, why not say hello to her?” says his dad.

“Oh, Dad, I’m not very good at talking to girls, I never quite know what to say to them,” Josh responds.

“Look, son,” says his dad, “girls just like you to take an interest in them and what they’ve been doing. Just ask her about what she’s been doing.”

The following day, Josh sees Charlene wander across her yard, heading towards the john at the end of her garden.

Desperate to impress her and thinking he’s spotted an ideal opportunity to follow his dad’s advice, Josh rushes outside to catch her attention as she returns to the house.

Encouraged when Charlene flashes him a smile, Josh is convinced that this is his opportunity to impress her.

And then he hears himself say, “Been taking a dump then, Charlene?”

2. The man and the penguins:

Police officer Maguire is sitting in his patrol car by the side of the freeway when he sees a guy drive past him in a pickup truck full of penguins.

With blue lights flashing, Officer Maguire chases after the pickup truck and pulls the guy over.

“Sir, you do know that penguins are a protected species, and you can’t drive them around like this in this town?” says Officer Maguire. “I suggest you take them to the zoo.”

Having given the guy a polite warning, Officer Maguire then lets him go on his way.

The very next day, Officer Maguire is in his patrol car again when he sees the same man still driving around with the penguins, and this time they’re all wearing sunglasses.

So Officer Maguire pulls the guy over again and says, “Hey buddy, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo yesterday.”

“I did,” the man replies, “and today I’m taking them to the beach.”

3. All rise:

Jim is up in court, charged with a series of misdemeanours.

Now, Jim feels he’s been unfairly treated, and when the judge rules against him, he cannot contain his anger any longer.

“You, sir, are a moron!” shouts Jim as the judge passes judgement.

Well, the judge is not amused and says, “For contempt of court, you’re fined $250; that’s $50 for each of those words you shouted.”

Jim gets out his wallet, and he’s checking its contents when the judge says, “You don’t have to pay the fine right now; you can hand the money to the clerk as you leave the court.”

Jim looks up, and, in response, says, “I wasn’t trying to pay you, sir; I was checking to see whether I had enough money to tell you what I really think of you.”

4. Strange sounds:

Did you know that when Beethoven sadly passed away, his body was buried in a church graveyard, as was common in those days?

A few days later, a couple of drunken youths were staggering through this graveyard late at night when they heard strange noises emanating from the plot where Beethoven had been buried.

Shaken by what they had heard, the youths ran to the priest to tell him about their experience.

The priest listened to them sympathetically and said, “Let’s go together to Beethoven’s grave, and I’ll hear it for myself.”

When they arrived at the plot, the priest listened carefully, and he could hear some faint, unrecognized music coming from the grave.

Well, even the priest was terrified by this experience, and he ran to the town’s mayor.

The mayor accompanied the priest back to the grave, where he could listen for himself.

As they stood by the grave, the mayor could hear Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony being played backwards.

Puzzled by this, he continued to listen, only to hear the Eighth Symphony played backwards, followed by the Seventh Symphony, the Sixth Symphony, The Fifth Symphony and so on, all played backwards.

The mayor stood there momentarily puzzled by this experience, and then he turned to the priest and said, “It’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”

5. Children and their teacher:

It’s the end of the school year, and the popular kindergarten teacher is receiving gifts from the children in her class.

She asks them to bring their gift to the front, one at a time.

First up is the florist’s son. He proudly hands her his neatly wrapped gift, and she thanks him and smiles.

She then gives the gift a little shake, holds it above her head momentarily, and then says, “I bet I know what this is. Some flowers?”

“That’s right,” says the boy, “but how did you know?“

“Oh, it’s just a lucky guess,” says the teacher.

The next child to offer a gift is the sweet shop owner’s daughter.

Once again, the teacher gives the gift a little shake, holds it above her head momentarily, and then says, “I bet I know what this is. It’s a box of sweets.“

“That’s right,” says the little girl, “but how did you know?“

“Oh, it’s just a lucky guess,” says the teacher.

The next child to offer a gift is the son of the liquor store owner.

As before, the teacher holds the gift-wrapped package above her head momentarily, but it’s leaking.

So she touches a drop of the slightly yellow liquid with her finger and then touches her finger on her tongue.

“Is it a Chardonnay?” asks the teacher.

“No!” the boy replies, a little excited in anticipation of her response.

Once again, the teacher touches the leaking, yellow liquid with her finger and then touches her finger on her tongue.

“Perhaps it’s Champagne?” she suggests.

“No!” the boy replies, with even more excitement than before.

So the teacher has one more quick taste of the liquid before saying, “Alright then, I give up, you’ve got me on his one. What is it?”

With a beaming smile and great excitement, the boy says, “It’s a puppy!“

So for you, dear reader, did these funny story jokes make you laugh?

I hope so. However, there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read, then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share it now, I would be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you for your support.

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Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, fun, funny, Funny Story Jokes, Hilarious, humor, humour, jokes, Laugh, LOL, Meaning, Philosophy, smile, Stress-free

How we’re damaged by our school days

05/26/2024 by Roy Sutton

Could our school days have damaged us? Is that even possible?

Were they the best days of our lives, as we’re encouraged to believe, or could our school days have been detrimental to our mental well-being and self-esteem?

This is an interesting question. So let’s think about it for a minute.

Certainly, many people will have had mostly good experiences during their school days.

However, there will also be some for whom their school days will have left them mentally scarred and with a sense of failure. That much is philosophically self-evident, surely?

For instance, perhaps at school, people such as those to which I refer never quite achieved the grades their parents or teachers thought they should.

Perhaps they were the last to be picked for a sports team regularly?

In either case, how would such experiences have made them feel?

What impact would they have had on their mental well-being?

Perhaps they felt they were not quite good enough?

Possibly a little bit bruised and embarrassed by their inability to achieve what they believed was expected of them?

Adults may have thought that putting pressure on them would motivate them to do well, yet it probably left them feeling inadequate.

Your birth date matters:

Do you recognise such feelings, dear reader?

The problem with the school experience is that the age range of our classmates is spread over a whole year. And that’s a lot more significant than it first appears.

Someone whose birthday is at the beginning of September will be a year older than someone whose birthday is towards the end of August, despite both being in the same academic year.

Now it might not seem much, but one year at that time in our lives makes a huge difference in terms of our development, both mentally and physically.

So, what does this mean?

It means that if your birthday is at the end of the school year, then you’re at a significant disadvantage relative to some of your much older classmates.

That disadvantage carries with you right through your school years, if you’re affected by it.

And it’s a disadvantage that extends not just to your academic studies but also to sports and physical activity too.

Success breeds positive reinforcement:

Most importantly, it’s not just the fact that you’re behind in terms of your physical and mental development. It’s also a fact that success breeds positive reinforcement.

Older students benefit from the constant reinforcement and encouragement of being told, ‘Well done!‘, while younger students struggle to keep up unless they’re exceptionally gifted.

Even if people are of above-average ability for their age, they can still be at a disadvantage relative to older classmates during their school days, particularly if those older classmates are also of above-average ability.

Inevitably, at school, people are compared to their peers, and statistics show that the older ones tend to do better because of an inherent age advantage. That’s true with sports as well as academic subjects.

If younger students appear to perform less well, frequently, that’s interpreted as them not being quite as good as their older peers.

Advantage goes with age:

And few people, least of all our parents, recognise that the system essentially does not favour younger members of the class. It puts them at a disadvantage.

The obvious question is, how many people have gone through life feeling like a bit of a loser due to their experiences of a school system that tends to work against them simply because of the month in which they were born?

And how many people never fully recover from the inevitable damage done to their confidence and self-esteem during those all-too-important developmental years?

More importantly, our school days not only affect how we feel about ourselves. They also impact how others perceive us to be as well.

A reputation for being a ‘Straight A’ student beats being a bit of an academic ‘also ran’. No one questions whether the former had an inherent advantage over the latter.

How we’re perceived by others matters. Think about it. Their perception of us results in all the negative talk we often hear whenever we express ambition, which can affect our self-esteem.

I’m sure you know what I mean, as no doubt many readers will be familiar with the experience. Something like:-

You: “Oh, I’d like to be a doctor.”

Parent: “Oh, don’t be ridiculous, with your grades?”

And so on.

Our need for encouragement:

People will always give you reasons why you’re not good enough when what you need is encouragement.

With encouragement, you could make it in whatever pursuit that makes you feel truly energised.

If you’re someone who experienced disadvantage for whatever reason then let me tell you something. You’re as good as anyone and you should acknowledge that to yourself, constantly.

Schooldays represent a very small portion of life and they’re significant only in so far as they are only one of many experiences we’ll have in life. Certainly, they don’t define you.

If your schooldays were a good experience then fine. If not, so what?

You can still achieve your ambitions with sufficient hard work and determination.

It doesn’t matter whether others believe you can do it, just as long as you believe you can do it.

There’s no such thing as a failure:

Remember; there’s no such thing as a failure. That label does not belong to people.

Failure is just an unwanted outcome and a learning opportunity. It’s not a person.

You have enormous potential. We all do.

Everyone is capable of achieving much more than they could ever think possible. With determination and hard work, we can all achieve great things.

Attitude matters:

Your attitude is much more important than your aptitude when it comes to achieving your goals in life. Believe you can and you will.

However you feel about your past, it’s not too late to become something more than you are now.

You should embrace failure as nothing more than a learning opportunity. It does not define you, and nor should it.

Recognise that just because you didn’t set the world on fire during your school days, it doesn’t mean you can’t achieve great things now.

No correlation:

Remember; there’s no correlation between success at school and success in life.

Plenty of ‘Straight A’ students fail to achieve anything significant after they’ve left education behind. Whereas plenty of the less academically successful go on to achieve great things in life.

It’s not about how many times you get knocked down that count but how many times you can get back up and keep going until you get to where you want to be.

Victory is sweeter when it has been achieved following the experience of defeat.

You cannot achieve anything without the experience of at least the occasional failure along the way.

We all start as beginners:

Before anyone achieved success, they started as a complete beginner. And along the road to success, they will have made plenty of mistakes. Anyone who suggests otherwise is either lying or deluded.

If you want to succeed, work hard, make mistakes and learn the lessons as you go.

If you’re determined you’ll find a way to achieve your goals and realise your dreams.

Failure’s not fatal:

Don’t be overwhelmed by any perceived failure. It doesn’t have to be fatal, nor does it imply that you’re not capable of achieving great things.

Never, ever give up until you get to where you want to be. Success can be yours if you want it badly enough. And remember this; it is better to try and fail than never to have tried at all.

Never be afraid to try because there are no failures, only outcomes we didn’t want and lessons to be learned.

Daily Mantra:

Reinforce self-belief by repeating this daily mantra

I’m as good as anyone; I’m better than most; I will achieve success; nothing will stop me!

Go on, get started now. Success is waiting for you.

Did you find this article interesting and useful dear reader?

If so, then please share it on social media with your friends. When you share, everyone wins.

So please share it now. If you do I’ll be ever so grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

25 contenders for the best one-liners of all time

05/15/2024 by Roy Sutton

Do you enjoy a witty one-liner, dear reader? Well, I’ve been searching for some contenders for the best one-liners of all time.

Today I’ve put together a batch of 25, that I hope you’ll enjoy.

They all made me smile, and I hope they’ll make you smile too.

So take a moment to enjoy them, and then please pass them on.

Best one-liners of all time (1-15):

I’m not fat. I’m just easier to see.
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Becoming a vegan is a big missed steak.
My boss said, have a good day. So I went home.
A clean desk is a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
For maximum attention, nothing beats saying something stupid.
I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
Why is it that everyone seems normal until you get to know them?
How is it that I always seem to buy plants without the will to live?
The importance of teamwork is that there’s always someone else to blame.
We must support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
Why do we refer to the day we do all our household chores as a day off?
The other man’s grass may be greener, but at least you don’t have to mow it.
If we’re not supposed to eat at night, why’s there a light in the refrigerator?

Best one-liners of all time (16-25):

Wise people learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us are the others.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realising that the other person’s an idiot.
An optimist believes that the world couldn’t be better. A pessimist is afraid that might be true.
It’s funny when someone says we need to talk, but what they mean is, you need to listen.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men actually spend thinking.
Living in the 21st century is a bizarre experience. Our priority now is deleting history rather than making it.
Life’s all about perspective. For instance, the sinking of the Titanic seemed like a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.
We all live by the 50-50-90 rule. Anytime we have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability that we’ll get it wrong.
My boss asked whether it was me or him who was stupid. I responded diplomatically that everyone knows he has a reputation for never hiring stupid people.
Before I criticize anyone, I always walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when I’ve criticized them, I’m a mile away, and they can’t chase me because I’ve got their shoes.

So dear reader, are the witticisms on offer today some contenders for the best one-liners of all time?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read in this post then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. So please, share it now.

Thank you.

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Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, best one-liners of all time, fun, funniest one-liners, funny, funny witty quotes, Hilarious, humor, humour, Laugh, Life, LOL, quotes, smile, Stress-free

Why enjoying yourself can never be a waste of time

04/26/2024 by Roy Sutton

Time you enjoyed wasting, was not wasted. ~John Lennon

Regular readers of this blog will know that I am a great believer in making the most of your time.

In particular, a constant message from me is that you should not waste your time. However, as with everything, it is important to strike a balance, of course.

As the late John Lennon reminds us in his observation above, truly enjoying yourself can never be a waste of time.

Enjoying yourself and having fun have positive benefits for your physical and mental health.

For a start, it reduces stress.

Also, what would be the point of life if you couldn’t have a little fun occasionally? All work and no play will make you a very dull person indeed.

Remember the words in that old Music Hall song, “Enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think. Enjoy yourself while you’re still in the pink.”

For any reader not familiar with the expression ‘in the pink‘, it’s British slang for being in a good state of health.

You can’t be serious all the time, dear reader.

Sometimes you’ve just got to have some fun.

So go on, and start having some fun right now. You know you want to.

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If you found this article useful and inspiring, then please share it on social media with your friends. When you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share it now. If you can do that for me, I will be ever so grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you for your support.

7 Good jokes guaranteed to make you smile

04/17/2024 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for some good jokes, then look no further, dear reader. I have seven very good jokes for you today.

They all made me laugh out loud, and I’m confident they’ll amuse you too.

So enjoy them all now.

And please feel free to pass them on.

Good jokes:

1. The duck hunter:

Dave was a keen duck hunter, and he’d been looking to buy a new bird dog for quite a while.

Dave’s search ended when he found an amazing dog that could walk on water to retrieve a duck.

Naturally, Dave was pleased with his discovery, but he was sure that his friends wouldn’t believe he’d found a dog that could walk on water.

So he decided to break the news to his friend Paul, a pessimist who was rarely impressed by anything.

Hoping that he might impress Paul, Dave invited him on a hunting trip to experience the dog firsthand.

However, Dave didn’t mention the dog’s special talent, as he wanted Paul to see it himself.

Arriving in the woods, the two men and the dog found a suitable spot by the lake and waited for some ducks to appear. And it wasn’t long before some ducks flew overhead.

Both men fired their shotguns, and a duck fell from the sky and landed on the lake.

The dog responded by walking across the water, without sinking and retrieving the duck. Apart from the soles of its feet, the dog didn’t get wet at all.

This continued throughout the day.

Each time a duck fell, the dog retrieved it by walking across the water without getting wet.

Determined to remain unimpressed, Paul observed everything, but he didn’t say a word.

On the drive home, Dave couldn’t resist it any longer, and he said to Paul, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog, Paul?”

“Yes, I did,” said Paul. “He can’t swim.”

2. Rookie error:

Jane is driving along Interstate 5 when she accidentally crashes into a guy driving a Porsche.

The guy immediately gets out of his Porsche and starts yelling at Jane and trying to intimidate her.

“Are you blind or something?” yells the guy. “Why didn’t you look where you were going?“

As luck would have it, Jane has a bottle of Jack Daniels on her rear seat, and she suggests to the guy that he takes a couple of swigs to calm his nerves.

The guy gratefully grabs the whiskey bottle and takes a long swig, pauses momentarily, and then takes another.

Just as he’s starting to calm down, a Highway Patrol officer appears on the scene, while the guy still has the whiskey bottle in his hand.

“Right,” says the Highway Patrol officer, “What’s happened here?”

Jane smiles demurely at the officer and says, “Officer, there’s been an accident because this guy’s been drinking.”

Moral of the Story: If you think you can intimidate women, you’d be wise to think again.

3. Down on the farm

One day, a farmer was tending his livestock when he noticed one of his cows was completely cross-eyed.

Naturally, being concerned, the farmer called a veterinarian and asked him to come and look at the cow.

The vet arrives at the farm, takes one look at the cow, and then sticks a rubber tube up the cow’s butt.

After a few moments, the vet puts the other end of the tube in his mouth and starts blowing hard.

Within a few seconds of blowing, the cow’s eyes completely straightened out.

The vet then charges the farmer $150 for his service and then leaves the farm to move on to his next appointment.

About a week later, another one of the farmer’s cows appears to be cross-eyed.

Well, the farmer doesn’t want to spend another $150 when he now knows what to do.

So, he finds a rubber tube and then calls his farmhand over to help him.

Together, they proceed to insert the tube into the cow’s butt.

The farmer then puts his lips on the tube and starts to blow. However, not being as young as he once was, the farmer can’t quite blow hard enough, and nothing happens.

So, he asks the farmhand to give it a try.

The farmhand removes the tube, turns it around, and then inserts it back into the cow’s butt. He then starts to blow hard.

“What are you doing?” the horrified farmer yells.

The farmhand gives him a puzzled look and then says, “Well, I wasn’t gonna use the side that you put in your mouth.”

4. Logic class:

Bubba and Jim Bob felt they weren’t going anywhere in life, so they decided to go to college to improve their situation.

Neither of them is very bright, so they decide to seek advice from the college principal for guidance on courses for which they’d be best suited.

Bubba goes to see the principal first, and, after a short conversation, the principal suggests he take the Logic course.

“What’s Logic?” asks Bubba.

“Well, it might be easier if I gave you an example,” says the principal. “Do you own a Weed Eater?“

“Well, yes, I do,” Bubba responds.

“Right,” says the principal. “If you own a Weed Eater, then it would be safe for me to assume you have a yard.”

“Wow,” says Bubba, “you’re right.”

“If you have a yard,” says the principal, “logic would suggest you also have a house.”

“Incredible,” says Bubba, “you’re right again.”

The principal continues, “And since you have a house, logic suggests you have a wife too.”

“Yes,” says Bubba, “that’s right, her name’s Daisy.”

“If you have a wife,” says the principal, “then you probably have children too.”

“I do,” says Bubba, “I have two kids, Willy and Maisy.”

“Right,” says the principal. “Then logically, it follows that you’re heterosexual.”

“Well, I’ll be,” says Bubba. “you’re right and you worked all that out from Logic. I can’t wait to start the Logic class.”

Bubba walks out of the principal’s office feeling ten feet tall and Jim Bob is there waiting to hear what happened.

“So, what class will you take?” asks Jim Bob.

“I’m taking the Logic class,” Bubba responds.

“What’s Logic?” asks Jim Bob.

“Well, it’ll be better if I explain it with an example,” says Bubba.

“Go on then,” says Jim Bob

“Right,” says Bubba. “Do you own a Weed Eater?“

“No,” Jim Bob replies.

“Then you’re gay,” says Bubba.

5. Tragic loss:

In 1912, a ship sailed from San Diego, heading for the port of Lázaro Cárdenas, Mexico, with a cargo of 20,000 jars of Hellmann’s mayonnaise.

The cargo was intended for the celebrations to commemorate the 50^th anniversary of Mexico’s famous victory over the Second French Empire at the Battle of Puebla in 1862.

This would have been the largest shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico, had it not been for the ship sinking in rough seas before it could reach its intended destination.

Such was the popularity of Hellman’s famous condiment in Mexico at the time that the people were devastated, and a National Day of Mourning was declared.

This day continues to be commemorated every year on May 5, the date that the shipment was due to arrive in Lázaro Cárdenas. The event is better known as Sinko de Mayo.

6. Grizzly bears on the Appalachian Trail:

A tourist guide was explaining the dangers of grizzly bears to hikers about to walk the Appalachian Trail from Springer Mountain, Georgia.

The guide warned, “You should realise that most encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet to avoid disturbing wildlife, unexpectedly stumble upon bears.”

He had the hikers’ full attention now.

“Be aware that surprising a grizzly bear can have disastrous consequences for you,” the guide continued. “To avoid this, we recommend that hikers wear tiny bells on their clothing to provide bears with an early warning of your presence. You should, of course, exercise great caution should you spot the telltale signs of bears in the area, particularly if you see bear droppings.”

“And how do we identify bear droppings from those of other wildlife?” asked one of the hikers.

“Easy,” explained the guide. “They’re the ones with all the tiny bells in them!”

7. The talking monkey:

Pete was walking past a pet shop when he saw a talking monkey being advertised for sale.

Intrigued, Pete went inside to see if this monkey was all the owners claimed it to be. It was, and Pete was so impressed, particularly with the monkey’s extensive vocabulary and mastery of English, he bought the erudite primate immediately.

Then that very evening, Pete took his new pet to his local bar, and he bet everyone twenty dollars that his monkey could recite the Gettysburg Address.

Ten people immediately accepted the challenge, but, despite much prompting from Pete, the monkey failed to say a word.

Pete was extremely disappointed, but he had no choice but to pay up.

However, when he got home, the monkey was talking freely once again.

So the next evening, Pete decided he would return to the bar and try again.

This time, he bet everyone thirty dollars that his monkey could recite the Gettysburg Address.

Given the experience of the previous evening, most of the patrons in the bar were more than willing to accept Pete’s bet.

Sadly for Pete, his monkey wouldn’t say a word, and once again, it proved to be an expensive evening.

When he got home with the monkey, Pete was annoyed with his pet, and he said, “I’ve had it with you, tomorrow you’re going back to the pet shop and I’m claiming a refund.”

“Calm down,” the monkey responded. “Just think about the odds; we’ll be able to get into the bar tomorrow evening.”

So, dear reader, were these good jokes as good as you’d hoped? Were they worth a few minutes of your time?

I hope so. If they did make you smile, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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5 Really funny jokes I know you’ll just love

04/16/2024 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for some really funny jokes then I’ve got five good ones today. I’m confident you’ll love them all.

So take a few moments to enjoy them and then please pass them on to your friends.

Really funny jokes:

1. A companion for Adam:

Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden, feeling very lonely.

So he went to God and said, “Lord, I’m lonely. I’ve got no one to talk to.”

God smiled at Adam and said, “I was thinking about giving you a companion called Woman.”

“Woman?” Adam responded, quizzically.

“Yes”, said God. “She’ll cook for you; clean for you; and wash your clothes. She’ll bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to help care for them. She’ll agree to whatever you say. She’ll never nag you and always admit when she’s wrong. She won’t bear a grudge, and she’ll dress to please you. And of course, she’ll make love to you whenever you want her to.”

“Wow,” said Adam. “That sounds fantastic. How much would a woman like that cost me?”

“An arm and a leg,” God replied.

“Oh!” said Adam. “What can I get for a rib?”

2. Following orders:

At Fort Leavenworth, three platoon sergeants are standing together on the parade ground, discussing which one of them has the bravest men.

Sergeant O’Malley calls one of his men over and says, “Climb that flagpole, and when you get to the top, jump off. That’s an order, soldier!”

The soldier follows the order and, in jumping off, breaks his leg.

Sergeant O’Malley looks at his colleagues and says, “That’s how tough my men are.”

Not to be outdone, Sergeant Rivera calls over one of his men and says, “Climb onto the roof of the administration block over there, and when you get on the roof, jump off. That’s an order, soldier!”

The soldier follows the order and, in jumping off, breaks both legs.

Sergeant Rivera looks at his colleagues and says, “I think that proves my men are tougher.”

Finally, Sergeant Kowalski calls over one of his men and says, “Get in that helicopter over there, and when the pilot gets to 1,000 feet, jump out. That’s an order, soldier!

The soldier looks at him and laughs before replying, “Screw you, sergeant. You can stick your order where the sun don’t shine.”

Sergeant Kowalski looks at his colleagues and says, “Gentlemen, I think you’ll agree; that is real bravery!”

3. Accidental transposition:

A hiker staggers into a pub in a remote part of County Mayo, Ireland. He’s shaken, his clothes are torn, and he’s full of scratches.

“What has happened to you?” the bartender asks, as he pours a large Bushmills for the hiker to help with the shock.

The hiker sips his whiskey and then says, “I was attacked by a leopard!“

“Really?” says the bartender.

“Yes, really! A leopard! In Ireland!” the hiker responds. He takes another sip of whiskey and then says, “Naturally, I tried to run, but you can’t outrun a leopard, can you?“

“No,” the bartender responds sympathetically, before saying. “So, what happened then?”

“Well,” says the hiker, “it knocked me to the ground; we rolled around a bit, but weirdly enough, it then just gave me a sad look and left.“

“Ah, you met Father Brennan,” the bartender responds knowingly.

“What do you mean?” asks the hiker, confused.

“Father Brennan was our parish priest,” says the bartender. “He was a kind-hearted man, totally committed to serving his congregation. One day, a year or so ago, he was out walking, and he found a lamp with a genie. He was granted a wish, and he said that all he wanted was to be a good shepherd to the community.”

Looking slightly puzzled, the hiker said, “I don’t understand; what’s a shepherd got to do with it?”

“Ah, well, there you have it,” says the bartender, “You have to be careful when you’re prone to spoonerisms.”

4. Going away with the boss:

George called his wife one day from the office and said, “Honey, I’ve been asked to go fishing on a lake up in Wyoming with my boss and a couple of his friends, and we’re leaving tonight. We’ll be away for the rest of the week.”

“Really?” his wife, Jane, responded.

“Look, I know it’s a bit short notice,” George responded, “but this will be a great opportunity for me to schmooze with the boss and press for that promotion I’ve been chasing.”

“OK, I guess I’ll just have to live with it then,” said Jane.

“I’ll need your help, though,” said George. “I need you to pack enough clothes for the rest of the week and set out my rod and tackle box. I’ll stop by and collect them later. Oh, can you pack my new blue silk pyjamas too please?”

Jane thought his last request was a little suspicious, but she did as he asked.

When George returned from his trip, Jane asked him how it had gone.

“I’m a bit tired,” said George, “but otherwise, it was a great trip.”

“Did you catch many fish?” Jane inquired.

“Oh, yes!” George responded. “The fish were biting, and I caught more than anyone else. But, how come you didn’t pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked?”

“I did, honey!” said Jane. “They were in your tackle box.”

5. The monkey and the lion:

It was a warm afternoon in Serengeti National Park.

Two monkeys were sitting high in a tall tree, watching a lion sleep peacefully on the ground far below.

One of the monkeys said to the other, “Hey, I dare you to go down and give that lion a kick in the butt.”

The other monkey was always up for a dare, and so he agreed immediately.

“Yes, I can do that,” said the monkey. And with that, he ran down the tree.

Once on the ground, he walked around the lion to check if it was still asleep. Then he went to the rear of the lion and kicked it as hard as he could in the butt.

Woken suddenly, the lion roared, and the monkey started running as fast as he could.

The lion was angry and gave chase immediately.

Needless to say, the lion was fast, and it didn’t take long for it to get within fifty yards of the monkey.

Realizing it needed to act fast if it wasn’t to be eaten, the monkey picked up a newspaper that had been discarded by tourists.

The monkey then sat on a tree stump, hid behind the newspaper, and pretended to read it.

Moments later, the lion arrived and said, “Excuse me, did you see a monkey pass this way?”

“Do you mean the one that kicked the lion in the butt?” the monkey responded.

“Oh, no!” groaned the lion. “It’s not in the papers already, is it?”

So dear reader, were these really funny jokes amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

I hope so. If they made you smile, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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The formula for personal happiness

04/14/2024 by Roy Sutton

Personal happiness is a feeling, not a circumstance.

Happiness is more than just fun or pleasure. It’s a more durable sense of well-being.

Our personal happiness depends not on what happens to us but on what happens within us.

It’s the way we choose to think about ourselves and our lives.

Gratitude and people are the most important factors which dictate our personal happiness.

Gratitude is all about being grateful for everything we have.

With people, it’s all about rewarding personal relationships.

Spending quality time with people whose company we enjoy is essential for our personal happiness. Equally avoiding those people who would make our lives difficult will increase our quality of life.

So the formula for personal happiness is actually quite simple.

Appreciate what you’ve got;
Don’t fret over things you haven’t got;
And enjoy the time you spend with your family and friends.

It takes discipline and practice to think positively. However, the ability to maintain a positive mental attitude is essential to our personal happiness.

So go on; start today. Be happy. Life’s far too short for a negative state of mind.

Did you find this article interesting and useful dear reader?

If so, then please share it on social media with your friends. When you share, everyone wins.

So please share it now. If you do I’ll be ever so grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

25 funny witty quotes that will seriously tickle you

04/13/2024 by Roy Sutton

I always get the best reaction with blog posts that are full of content to make you smile. And funny witty quotes are particularly popular with readers.

With that in mind, I’ve been trawling my journals looking for funny witty quotes which I’ve noted for posterity, and which I hope you’ll enjoy now, dear reader.

So, here are 25 funny witty quotes that I’m confident will tickle you. Certainly, they tickled me and made me smile.

They’re all by Authors Unknown but they’re razor-sharp and funny nevertheless.

So go on take a few minutes right now to have a laugh and enjoy them all.

Funny witty quotes:

‘Be yourself is the worst piece of advice you can give to some people.
Some people just need a sympathetic pat on the head, with a hammer.
HIM: How is it your single? HER: Surely you mean you’re?
Arguing with a fool serves only to prove that there are two.
Only dead fish go with the flow.
The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t hold this much personality.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight you’re drunk.
There are only two rules in life. No 1: Never ever give out all the information.
You never realize how weird you are until you have a kid who acts just like you.
If you have nothing to be grateful for, check your pulse.
Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions. Chocolate understands.
I’ve learned so much from my mistakes I’m thinking of making a few more.
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
We mature with damage, not with years.
Life is short. So smile while you still have teeth.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
Sarcasm is not an attitude. It’s an art.
I have an irrational fear of wasting a good outfit on an insignificant day.
Whoever said that nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.
The only time a woman is helpless is when her nail polish is drying. Otherwise, watch out.
The first thing you lose on a diet is your sense of humour.
Everyone has the right to be stupid but you’re abusing the privilege.
If you don’t like the way I drive then stay off the sidewalk.
If at first, you don’t succeed then skydiving’s not for you.
129% of people exaggerate.

So did these funny witty quotes amuse you, dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

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Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, fun, funny, funny witty quotes, Hilarious, humor, humour, Laugh, Life, LOL, Meaning, quotes, smile, Stress-free, Wisdom

The power of repetition:

Start with one good habit:

Self-discipline is key:

The power of helping others:

Look after your health:

Habits of successful people:

Further Reading:

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Funny one-liners by Billy Connolly:

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Funny Story Jokes:

2. The man and the penguins:

3. All rise:

4. Strange sounds:

5. Children and their teacher:

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Your birth date matters:

Success breeds positive reinforcement:

Advantage goes with age:

Our need for encouragement:

There’s no such thing as a failure:

Attitude matters:

No correlation:

We all start as beginners:

Failure’s not fatal:

Daily Mantra:

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Best one-liners of all time (1-15):

Best one-liners of all time (16-25):

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Good jokes:

1. The duck hunter:

2. Rookie error:

3. Down on the farm

4. Logic class:

5. Tragic loss:

6. Grizzly bears on the Appalachian Trail:

7. The talking monkey:

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Really funny jokes:

1. A companion for Adam:

2. Following orders:

3. Accidental transposition:

4. Going away with the boss:

5. The monkey and the lion:

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Funny witty quotes:

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