32 witty, one-liner jokes about getting old to make you smile

10/08/2025 by

Looking for some jokes about getting old, dear reader? Well, today I can offer you 32 of them.

Whether you’re young or old, I’m sure you’ll be able to relate to a few of them.

I hope you enjoy them all and I hope they make you smile. Certainly, they all made me smile.

And remember this; we all get older, but getting old is a state of mind much more than anything else. You don’t have to let the old man or woman in.

Anyway, take a few moments to read them all and then pass them on.

Jokes about getting old:

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

Women rarely admit their age; men rarely act it.

I’m so old that my first car was a covered wagon.

How come everyone my age seems older than me?

I’m at the age where I can’t keep up with all the things I hate.

A wise man remembers a woman’s birthday but never her age.

I’m so old, I can remember when emojis were called hieroglyphics.

Regular naps will prevent old age, especially if taken while driving.

Ageing gracefully is the polite way of saying you’re slowly looking worse.

You know you’re old when dining out means catching the early bird special.

We were so poor growing up we could only listen to Simon or Garfunkel.

You know you’re old when people call at 9 pm and ask, “Did I wake you?”

I believe in loyalty. So, when I got to a certain age, I decided to stick with it.

My wife’s so vain, she’d rather pay full price than admit she’s a senior citizen.

I’d like to say I’m ageing like fine wine, but in my case, it’s more like a fine banana.

I like older women because they’re used to life’s disappointments, so they’re ready for me.

When you’re old, getting lucky is walking into a room and remembering exactly why you’re there.

Old age is when your old classmates are so grey, wrinkled, and bald that they no longer recognize you.

If it’s your birthday today, you should congratulate yourself. Especially if you’re still able to remember it.

The older I get, the more cults make perfect sense. Do you know how hard it is to make friends as an adult?

You know you’re getting old when you have more candles on your cake than friends at your birthday party.

The skill of the diplomat is the ability to tell someone to go to Hell in such a way that they’ll look forward to the trip.

Old age is when you’re faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by nine o’clock.

The best moment of a woman’s life isn’t giving birth, it’s seeing an old adversary and realizing how fat and ugly she is now.

When you’re young, you make a lot of noise just having fun. When you’re old, you make even more noise just bending over.

I wanted to look distinguished in my old age, so I grew a beard. Turns out the statement I’m making is more like, “Discount, please, I’m a senior!”

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive. Fortunately, my older brother told me about it.

When I was young, I did stupid things because I didn’t know any better. Now I know better, I still do stupid things, but I can’t help it.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then I remember that death will be normal for my age at some point.

I’ve reached the age where looking in the mirror is like checking the news. I know there’ll be some new developments I won’t like.

When you’re young, embarrassment is forgetting to zip up your fly. When you’re old, embarrassment is forgetting to unzip your fly.

As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right one for me.

Please share this post with your friends:

Dear reader, did these jokes about getting old make you smile? I do hope so.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. I’m confident that you’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read today, please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. And you’ll be helping an aspiring blog to reach a wider audience.

Thank you for your support.

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75 brilliant comedy quotes to make you smile

09/27/2025 by

Today I am exploring comedy quotes. By that, I mean humorous quotes from American comedy television and the movies.

I’m thinking about everything, including absurdity, sarcasm, awkward charm, sharp wit and anything perfect for keeping the laughter going.

I’ve selected 25 comedy quotes from my journal, so take a look and enjoy them all.

And, please, feel free to share them with your friends.

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Brilliant Comedy Quotes

1. TV Comedy Shows

  1. “Why does everything I love run away from me?”
    — Liz Lemon (Tina Fey), 30 Rock
  2. “I’m a snack. A Smart Snack. I’m like almonds.”
    — Eleanor Shellstrop (Kristen Bell), The Good Place
  3. “I’m not interested in caring about people.”
    — April Ludgate (Aubrey Plaza), Parks and Recreation
  4. “If I were a superhero, my power would be passive-aggression.”
    — Chandler Bing (Matthew Perry), Friends
  5. “If I don’t have some cake soon, I might die.”
    — Stanley Hudson (Leslie David Baker), The Office (US)
  6. “Sometimes I wish I were a l*sbian… did I say that out loud?”
    — Ross Geller (David Schwimmer), Friends
  7. “It’s never too early for ice cream.”
    — Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler), Parks and Recreation
  8. “I’m sorry I called you a gap-toothed b*tch. It’s not your fault you’re so gap-toothed.”
    — Gretchen Wieners (Lacey Chabert), Mean Girls (also a film, but frequently quoted in sitcom-style banter)
  9. “I am the human disaster.”
    — Jessica Day (Zooey Deschanel), New Girl
  10. “You could drown in that voice.”
    — Karen Walker (Megan Mullally), Will & Grace
  11. “That’s a lot of feelings to pack into one sentence, and I don’t like it.”
    — Jake Peralta (Andy Samberg), Brooklyn Nine-Nine
  12. “Cool cool cool cool cool. No doubt no doubt no doubt.”
    — Abed Nadir (Danny Pudi), Community
  13. “I live in a constant state of fear and misery.”
    — Tina Belcher (Dan Mintz), Bob’s Burgers
  14. “I once forgot my own birthday. I thought it was tomorrow.”
    — Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler), Parks and Recreation
  15. “It’s pronounced ‘Zee-ro’ not ‘Zero.’ I’m European now.”
    — Moira Rose (Catherine O’Hara), Schitt’s Creek
  16. “You know how I know you’re g*y? You like Coldplay.”
    — Seth (Jonah Hill), Superbad (film, but often referenced in TV-style quips)
  17. “I went outside once. The graphics were good, but the gameplay sucked.”
    — Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory
  18. “I’m gonna go lie down for twenty minutes and hope everything fixes itself.”
    — Amy Santiago (Melissa Fumero), Brooklyn Nine-Nine
  19. “I’m not lazy. I’m on energy-saving mode.”
    — George Lopez (George Lopez), George Lopez Show
  20. “I need a six-month vacation, twice a year.”
    — Karen Walker (Megan Mullally), Will & Grace
  21. “I love you, but I love me more.”
    — Samantha Jones (Kim Cattrall), S*x and the City
  22. “I’m not a morning person. Or a night person. Let’s just say I’m not a person.”
    — Daria Morgendorffer (Tracy Grandstaff), Daria
  23. “Every time I try to do something fun, you make it not that way.”
    — Michael Scott (Steve Carell), The Office (US)
  24. “I am an enigma, wrapped in a mystery, wrapped in a vest.”
    — Schmidt (Max Greenfield), New Girl
  25. “I’m a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man. But I want one. Preferably rich and emotionally unavailable.”
    — Mindy Lahiri (Mindy Kaling), The Mindy Project

2. Comedy Movies:

  1. “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room!”
    — President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove
  2. “I have n*pples, Greg. Could you milk me?”
    — Jack Byrnes (Robert De Niro), Meet the Parents
  3. “I’m in a dress. I have gel in my hair. I haven’t slept all night. I’m starved, and I’m armed. Don’t mess with me.”
    — Miss Congeniality (Sandra Bullock), Miss Congeniality
  4. “I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.”
    — Anna Scott (Julia Roberts), Notting Hill (used humorously in ironic contexts)
  5. “Why is the rum always gone?”
    — Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp), Pirates of the Caribbean
  6. “This is like if that show ‘Cops’ was about cake.”
    — Annie (Kristen Wiig), Bridesmaids
  7. “I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books.”
    — Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell), Anchorman
  8. “There’s no crying in baseball!”
    — Jimmy Dugan (Tom Hanks), A League of Their Own
  9. “My hat blew off, Daddy!”
    — Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller), Zoolander
  10. “Is butter a carb?”
    — Regina George (Rachel McAdams), Mean Girls
  11. “I love lamp.”
    — Brick Tamland (Steve Carell), Anchorman
  12. “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
    — Noah Calhoun (Ryan Gosling), The Notebook (used ironically in many comedies)
  13. “Put that cookie down! NOW!”
    — Howard Langston (Arnold Schwarzenegger), Jingle All the Way
  14. “Did I do that?”
    — Steve Urkel (Jaleel White), Family Matters (TV show)
  15. “I’m not bad. I’m just drawn that way.”
    — Jessica Rabbit (Kathleen Turner), Who Framed Roger Rabbit
  16. “He’s so hot right now.”
    — Mugatu (Will Ferrell), Zoolander
  17. “We came, we saw, we kicked its a*s!”
    — Peter Venkman (Bill Murray), Ghostbusters
  18. “Flair. You know, like buttons. Pieces of flair.”
    — Joanna (Jennifer Aniston), Office Space
  19. “She doesn’t even go here!”
    — Damian (Daniel Franzese), Mean Girls
  20. “I like smiling. Smiling’s my favorite.”
    — Buddy (Will Ferrell), Elf
  21. “I thought they smelled bad… on the outside!”
    — Han Solo (Harrison Ford), Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back (quoted in comedic contexts)
  22. “You’re tearing me apart, Lisa!”
    — Johnny (Tommy Wiseau), The Room (infamous cult comedy gold)
  23. “It’s not a man purse. It’s called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.”
    — Alan (Zach Galifianakis), The Hangover
  24. “You’re so wise. You’re like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair.”
    — Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell), Anchorman
  25. “I don’t know what we’re yelling about!”
    — Brick Tamland (Steve Carell), Anchorman

3. Dry, Sarcastic, and Sassy Quotes (TV & Movies)

  1. “I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to just tune myself out.”
    — Kelly Kapoor (Mindy Kaling), The Office (US)
  2. “You’re not the worst person in the world, but you better hope he doesn’t die.”
    — Liz Lemon (Tina Fey), 30 Rock
  3. “I wish I could, but I don’t want to.”
    — Phoebe Buffay (Lisa Kudrow), Friends
  4. “I’ll have what she’s having.”
    — Woman in deli (Estelle Reiner), When Harry Met Sally
  5. “You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.”
    — Red Forman (Kurtwood Smith), That ’70s Show
  6. “You couldn’t handle me even if I came with instructions.”
    — Blanche Devereaux (Rue McClanahan), The Golden Girls
  7. “I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.”
    — Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch), Glee
  8. “I’m not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.”
    — Moira Rose (Catherine O’Hara), Schitt’s Creek
  9. “You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
    — Max Black (Kat Dennings), 2 Broke Girls
  10. “You have something on your chin… no, the third one down.”
    — Nicky (Natasha Lyonne), Orange Is the New Black
  11. “Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?”
    — Detective Marcus Burnett (Martin Lawrence), Bad Boys
  12. “I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”
    — Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory
  13. “My give-a-damn’s busted.”
    — Blanche Devereaux (Rue McClanahan), The Golden Girls
  14. “Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.”
    — Dorothy Zbornak (Bea Arthur), The Golden Girls
  15. “I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.”
    — Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler), Parks and Recreation
  16. “I’m not saying I hate you, but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone.”
    — Gina Linetti (Chelsea Peretti), Brooklyn Nine-Nine
  17. “I don’t do hypotheticals. I’m either right or I’m wrong, and I’m never wrong.”
    — Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman), Parks and Recreation
  18. “I want you to know I’m really happy for you. And by happy I mean furious.”
    — Jess Day (Zooey Deschanel), New Girl
  19. “My hobbies include eating and complaining that I’m getting fat.”
    — Mindy Lahiri (Mindy Kaling), The Mindy Project
  20. “I’m not a control freak, but can I show you the right way to do that?”
    — Monica Geller (Courteney Cox), Friends
  21. “You’re so full of crap, your eyes are brown.”
    — Sam Winchester (Jared Padalecki), Supernatural
  22. “I’m not judging you, I’m just saying you’re wrong.”
    — Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory
  23. “You are the human equivalent of a participation trophy.”
    — Gina Linetti (Chelsea Peretti), Brooklyn Nine-Nine
  24. “You don’t deserve a good hair day.”
    — Karen Walker (Megan Mullally), Will & Grace
  25. “Oh, I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?” Blair Waldorf (Leighton Meester), Gossip Girl
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Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post worth a few minutes of your time?

Were these comedy quotes amusing? Did they make you smile? If so, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

Please share this post now.

Thank you for your support.

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25 contenders for the best one-liners of all time

09/23/2025 by

Do you enjoy a witty one-liner, dear reader? Well, I’ve been searching for some contenders for the best one-liners of all time.

Today I’ve put together a batch of 25, that I hope you’ll enjoy.

They all made me smile, and I hope they’ll make you smile too.

So take a moment to enjoy them, and then please pass them on.

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Best one-liners of all time (1-15):

  1. I’m not fat. I’m just easier to see.
  2. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
  3. Becoming a vegan is a big missed steak.
  4. My boss said, have a good day. So I went home.
  5. A clean desk is a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
  6. For maximum attention, nothing beats saying something stupid.
  7. I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
  8. Why is it that everyone seems normal until you get to know them?
  9. How is it that I always seem to buy plants without the will to live?
  10. The importance of teamwork is that there’s always someone else to blame.
  11. We must support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
  12. One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
  13. Why do we refer to the day we do all our household chores as a day off?
  14. The other man’s grass may be greener, but at least you don’t have to mow it.
  15. If we’re not supposed to eat at night, why’s there a light in the refrigerator?

Best one-liners of all time (16-25):

  1. Wise people learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us are the others.
  2. Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realising that the other person’s an idiot.
  3. An optimist believes that the world couldn’t be better. A pessimist is afraid that might be true.
  4. It’s funny when someone says we need to talk, but what they mean is, you need to listen.
  5. Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men actually spend thinking.
  6. Living in the 21st century is a bizarre experience. Our priority now is deleting history rather than making it.
  7. Life’s all about perspective. For instance, the sinking of the Titanic seemed like a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.
  8. We all live by the 50-50-90 rule. Anytime we have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability that we’ll get it wrong.
  9. My boss asked whether it was me or him who was stupid. I responded diplomatically that everyone knows he has a reputation for never hiring stupid people.
  10. Before I criticize anyone, I always walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when I’ve criticized them, I’m a mile away, and they can’t chase me because I’ve got their shoes.
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Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, are the witticisms on offer today some contenders for the best one-liners of all time?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read in this post then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. So please, share it now.

Thank you.

© Mann Island Media Limited 2025. All rights reserved.

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8 really funny jokes that will make you smile

09/21/2025 by

If you’re like me, you enjoy really funny jokes. Something to make you laugh and brighten the day. Well, here are eight really funny jokes that all made me smile today.

I hope you enjoy them.

And, if you do, please feel free to pass them on.

Really Funny Jokes:

1. Money’s too tight to mention:

Two old friends, Mary and Jane, were going shopping.

Mary was a spendthrift and she had a bad habit of constantly overdrawing her bank account.

Before leaving for the mall, Jane complained about her own lack of funds and sadly lamented, “If I buy anything, I guess I’ll have to use plastic.”

Unconcerned, Mary whipped out her chequebook and said, “Well I’ll be using rubber.”

2. Blood from a stone:

A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s wealthy banker, so the director decided to make a phone call.

“Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”

The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”

“Um, no,” mumbled the director.

“Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?” the banker continued.

“I … I … I had no idea,”  the director admitted.

“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”

3. Verifying your cheque:

The store clerk requested identification from a customer who had just written a personal cheque for her purchase.

After fumbling through her purse, she presented him with what she said was the only thing she had that bore both her name and address. It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank. 

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4. Asking for charity:

A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman known for her charity.

“Please, ma’am,” he says when she opens up, “can you help this poor, tragic family down the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They’re about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone can pay their rent.”

“That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life!” says the woman. “May I ask who you are?”

“I’m their landlord.”

 5. Ways of seeing:

Teenager, Billy lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway.

After a brief but fruitless search, Billy gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes she’d found the lens.

“How did you do that?” he asked.

“We weren’t looking for the same thing Billy,” she explained. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”

6. The rooster:

A farmer decided he wanted to go into town to see a movie.

As he was standing in line for a ticket, the ticket agent says to him. “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”

“Well,” said the farmer, “this here’s my pet rooster, Chuck. I never go anywhere without Chuck.”

“Sir, I’m sorry,” the ticket agent responds, “but we don’t allow any animals in the auditorium.”

Now the farmer is a wily old operator, and he knows how to work around a problem.

So, he disappears around the corner and stuffs the rooster down his overalls. Then he returns to the ticket booth, buys a ticket, and walks off to take his seat.

On this occasion, he’s seated next to two old women, Maude and Daisy.

The movie starts and naturally, the rooster begins to get restless. So, the old farmer unbuttons his fly so Chuck could stick his head out to watch the movie.

“Daisy,” says Maude, whispering.

“What is it, Maude?” Daisy responds.

“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”

“What makes you think so?” Daisy asks.

“He just undid his pants, and he’s got his thing out,” whispers Maude.

“So, why worry?” Daisy responds, “at your age, it’s not like you haven’t seen one before. When you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”

“Well, that’s what I thought,” Maude responded, “but this one’s eating my popcorn.“

7. Devoted wife:

Harry is on his deathbed, and he says to his wife, “Mabel, I will be gone soon, and there’s something I must ask you. In these 50 years of our marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?“

“Well, Harry,” Mabel replied, “I must be honest with you. I was unfaithful on three occasions during these past 50 years, but always with good reason.“

“Really?” said Harry, hurt by Mabel’s confession. “I didn’t suspect anything. Can you tell me your reasons?“

Mabel sighed and said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our house because we couldn’t afford to pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?“

Harry remembered the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?“

Mabel hesitated momentarily and then said, “Do you remember when you had heart problems and we didn’t have enough money to pay your medical bills? I went to see your doctor one night, and if you recall, he did the bypass surgery at no charge.“

“Oh, yes,” said Harry, “How could I forget, Mabel? You saved my life, so I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“Well,” Mabel continued, “do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed to be sure you could count on all 15 votes from the committee members?“

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8. The Lesson:

While walking along Pennsylvania Avenue, a congressman is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

Suddenly he finds himself standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St. Peter.

“Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter.

The congressman is still a little confused, given his circumstances, but thanks St Peter for his welcome.

“Now,” St Peter continues, “before you settle in, there is an issue. We seldom see politicians here, so we’re never quite sure what to do with you. However, we do have a procedure.”

“So, what happens now?” asks the congressman.

“Well,” says St Peter, “What we’ll do is have you spend a day in Hell followed by a day in Heaven. Then you can choose where you’ll spend eternity.”

With that, St. Peter escorts the congressman to an elevator and down he goes to Hell.

A few moments later, the elevator door opens, and the congressman finds himself standing in the clubhouse of the most amazing golf course he’d ever seen. Standing in front of him were all his old Washington buddies and other politicians who’d predeceased him.

They’re all having a great time, drinking, laughing and joking. When they see him, they greet him warmly, shake his hand, and reminisce about all the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of ordinary people. They invite him to play a game of golf and then afterwards they all dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

The devil joins them for dinner. The congressman is amazed at how friendly and caring the devil is. Nothing like he had imagined.

They were all having the most amazing time when the devil suggested it was probably time for the congressman to complete the process with St Peter.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and a wave as the elevator rises back up to the Pearly Gates. Suddenly the door opens and St. Peter is waiting for him.

“Well,” says St Peter, “now it’s time to visit Heaven.”

The time passes with the congressman joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. The time they had was pleasant enough if a little underwhelming, but it passed quickly. Before he realizes it, the congressman is back with St Peter.

“Well, now,” says St Peter, “you’ve seen what Heaven and Hell have to offer, so you must now make a choice.”

The congressman reflects on his options momentarily, then says, “Well, pleasant as Heaven was, what the devil has to offer me seems like a much better deal. So, I’ll opt for Hell.”

So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and back he goes down to Hell for all eternity.

When the elevator door opens, the congressman finds himself in a stinking hellhole full of waste and garbage. Once again, he sees his friends, but they’re dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The smell is terrible.

The congressman struggles to comprehend what he’s seeing as the devil arrives to greet him. “I don’t understand,” the congressman says to the devil, “this is not what I voted for.”

The devil smiles at him.

“Yesterday,” continues the congressman, “when I was here, there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. How can this possibly be what I voted for?”

Once again, the devil smiles at him and says, “Ah, yes, you’ve noticed. Well, you see, yesterday I was campaigning. Today I have your vote. So, now you know how ordinary people feel.”

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So did these prove to be the really funny jokes you’d hoped for read reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read, please share it with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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25 funny witty quotes that will seriously tickle you

09/21/2025 by

I always get the best reaction with blog posts that are full of content to make you smile. And funny witty quotes are particularly popular with readers.

With that in mind, I’ve been trawling my journals looking for funny witty quotes which I’ve noted for posterity, and that I hope you’ll enjoy now, dear reader.

So, here are 25 funny witty quotes that I’m confident will tickle you. Indeed, they tickled me and made me smile.

They’re all by Authors Unknown, but they’re razor-sharp and funny nevertheless.

So go on, take a few minutes right now to have a laugh and enjoy them all.

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Funny Witty Quotes:

  1. ‘Be yourself is the worst piece of advice you can give to some people.
  2. Some people just need a sympathetic pat on the head, with a hammer.
  3. HIM: How is it your single? HER: Surely you mean you’re?
  4. Arguing with a fool serves only to prove that there are two.
  5. Only dead fish go with the flow.
  6. The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t hold this much personality.
  7. Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight you’re drunk.
  8. There are only two rules in life. No 1: Never ever give out all the information.
  9. You never realize how weird you are until you have a kid who acts just like you.
  10. If you have nothing to be grateful for, check your pulse.
  11. Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions. Chocolate understands.
  12. I’ve learned so much from my mistakes I’m thinking of making a few more.
  13. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
  14. We mature with damage, not with years.
  15. Life is short. So smile while you still have teeth.
  16. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
  17. Sarcasm is not an attitude. It’s an art.
  18. I have an irrational fear of wasting a good outfit on an insignificant day.
  19. Whoever said that nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.
  20. The only time a woman is helpless is when her nail polish is drying. Otherwise, watch out.
  21. The first thing you lose on a diet is your sense of humour.
  22. Everyone has the right to be stupid but you’re abusing the privilege.
  23. If you don’t like the way I drive then stay off the sidewalk.
  24. If at first, you don’t succeed then skydiving’s not for you.
  25. 129% of people exaggerate.

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Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

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4 short story funny jokes that’ll brighten your day

09/16/2025 by

If you’re looking for some short story funny jokes, then I have four excellent ones for you today, dear reader.

I’m confident that at least one or two of them will tickle you.

So, take an unofficial break, grab a coffee, relax, and enjoy them all.

And please, feel free to pass them on.

SHORT STORY FUNNY JOKES
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Short story funny jokes:

1. Surprise Party:

Jane had a craving for Heinz beans and unwisely consumed three plates of beans during lunch break at work one day.

Now, on the day in question, it happened to be Jane’s birthday, and when she got home from work, her husband, Jim, met her excitedly at the door.

“Darling, I’ve got a surprise for dinner tonight,” said Jim.

And with that, he blindfolded Jane and led her by the hand through the house, into the dining room, and sat her down at the table.

As Jane sat down, and just as Jim was about to remove her blindfold, she heard the telephone ring in the hall.

“Darling,” said Jim, “bear with me for a second whilst I answer the telephone, but please, please don’t remove your blindfold until I get back. I want to video your reaction for posting on Facebook. No peeking!”

Well, Jane was actually quite grateful for this fortunate interruption because those beans had started to percolate, generating intestinal gases within her that were building up a pressure of such magnitude that she felt like she was about to explode.

She reasoned that Jim would be gone for a few minutes, so she thought it would be safe to seize the opportunity to release this flatulence.

She released it, and it was not only loud but also smelled like a skunk in a garbage dump. It was a truly awful smell.

However, the relief for Jane was instant, and she quickly used her napkin to fan the air vigorously in the hope that the gas would be dispersed by the time Jim returned.

Well, unfortunately, her gas problem didn’t end there, and Jane was forced to release several more minor intestinal explosions, the smell of which was just unimaginably bad.

However, for Jane, the pleasure of releasing all this gas pressure was indescribable. It was just such a relief, so she wafted her napkin as quickly as possible in a desperate attempt to improve the air quality in the dining room before Jim returned.

Within a few minutes, Jim did return, apologising profusely for his absence.

“I hope you’ve not been peeking while I’ve been away,” Jim said playfully.

Jane was quick to confirm she hadn’t.

At this point, Jim removed her blindfold, only to reveal that they were accompanied by 12 dinner guests all seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, as they shouted, “Happy Birthday, Jane!“

2. Strange Bar:

Jake walked into a Manhattan bar, and he sat down at the counter.

He then says to the bartender, “Hey buddy, where can I get some cigarettes?”

“There’s a cigarette machine over there in the corner by the john,” the bartender replies.

So Jake walks over to the machine, and just as he’s about to select his preferred brand of cigarettes, the machine says, “Hey, you’re an idiot!“

Jake is stunned momentarily. Then he thinks, “That’s really not very nice!” So he returns to the counter without any cigarettes.

As he sits on his stool again, he asks the bartender for some peanuts in an attempt to distract himself from his craving for a smoke.

The bartender passes him a bowl of peanuts, and as he does so, Jake hears one of the peanuts say, “Hey buddy, I like the way you’ve styled your hair.“

So Jake says to the bartender, “Hey man, this place is weird. Your cigarette machine insults me, and then the peanuts come onto me. What is this?“

The bartender smiles and replies, “Oh, that’s because the cigarette machine is out of order and the peanuts are complimentary.”

3. Communication problem:

Interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, the judge asks, “Mam, what are the grounds for your divorce?“

“About four acres with a nice, detached villa in the middle of the property,” she replies.

“No, mam,” says the judge, “I meant what is the foundation of this case?“

“It’s made of concrete, bricks, and mortar,” the woman responds.

“No, mam,” he continued, “I meant what are your relations like?“

“Well,” says the woman, “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town and two cousins living in the next county.”

The judge thought momentarily and then said, “Do you have a real grudge?“

“No, sir,” the woman replies, “we have a two-car carport, so we’ve never really needed one.“

“Mam, please,” said the judge, trying once again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?“

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets,” the woman replied. “We’re not people who like to listen to music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

Struggling to maintain his composure, the judge has another try, “Mam, does your husband ever beat you up?“

“Yes, sir,” she responds, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asks, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?“

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she says.

“Then why are we here?” the judge responds.

“My husband wants a divorce,” the woman replies. “He says he can’t communicate with me.“

4. Admission to the Kingdom of Heaven:

Music legend Dolly Parton and King Charles, the UK’s monarch, sadly passed away on exactly the same day.

They find themselves standing together at the Pearly Gates in front of St Peter.

St Peter studiously reviews his cloud-connected tablet computer momentarily before saying, “Now, I have some bad news for you, I’m afraid. We’ve had a lot of admissions to Heaven today, so there’s only one place left. Therefore, I must ask you both to give me one good reason why you should be the one to take that place. And of course, the best reason will get the place.”

They glance at each other briefly, and then Dolly opens her blouse quickly to reveal her very impressive assets.

She then says to St Peter, “These are the finest in Creation, and I’m confident the Lord would want the opportunity to admire the results of his excellent work each and every day for eternity.”

“Thank you, Dolly,” says St Peter. He then looks at His Royal Highness, the King, and says, “Your Majesty, what’s your reason?”

Now, right next to the Pearly Gates is a restroom for the convenience not only of St Peter himself but also for every soul standing in line awaiting a decision as to whether they’ll be admitted to Heaven.

His Royal Highness says absolutely nothing in response to St Peter’s question, but he walks into the restroom and flushes the toilet.

He then returns to stand next to Dolly and awaits St Peter’s decision.

St Peter spends a moment considering the matter, and he then says, “Your Majesty, welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven.”

Naturally, Dolly is less than happy with his decision.

“Now just hold it a minute there, fella!” says Dolly. “I reveal the finest pair ever created, and all he does is flush the John. And then he gets admitted? How can that be right? That’s sexism, surely?”

St Peter smiles at Dolly and says, “I understand why you’re not happy, Dolly, but you must accept that even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair.”

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I hope so. However, there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read, then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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15 corny jokes you can tell your kids and your friends

09/16/2025 by

Do you enjoy corny jokes, dear reader?

Well, I do, and whenever I hear them, I make a note of them in my journal. Today, I thought I would share a few of them with you.

Here are 15 corny jokes, which I hope will make you smile. If they don’t make you smile, then I’m sure a few of them will appeal to the kids in your life, and your friends, too.

Please take a few moments to enjoy them all and share them with your kids and friends.

CORNY JOKES
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Corny Jokes:

  1. For what was Camelot famous? It’s knight life.
  2. What was Noah’s profession? He was an ark-itect.
  3. How did the yeti feel when he had flu? Abominable.
  4. Why did the king go to the dentist? To get his teeth crowned.
  5. A skeleton walks into a bar in Manhattan and says to the bartender, “Give me a beer and a mop.”
  6. What do you get if you cross a dog with a chicken? Pooched eggs.
  7. Which cake lives in a cathedral in Paris? The flapjack of Notre Dame.
  8. What do you get if you cross a vampire with a plumber? A drain in the neck.
  9. What do you get if you cross a chicken with some cement? A bricklayer.
  10. Why are eggs overrated? Because they’re not all they’re cracked up to be.
  11. What’s the difference between a dog with fleas and a bored guest? One’s going to itch and the other’s itching to go.
  12. What’s the difference between a football and a duck? You’ll find one in a huddle and the other in a puddle.
  13. Which cake is served in Heaven? Angel cake.
  14. What game does a wizard octopus love to play? Squidditch.
  15. What did the lovesick cyclops say to his sweetheart? You’re the one-eye adore.

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If any of these corny jokes made you smile, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

Share these jokes with the kids in your life, too.

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47 Bad jokes that are funny and will make you smile

09/15/2025 by

If you’re looking for some bad jokes that are funny and will make you smile, then here are 47 original jokes, written just for you, and which I hope you will enjoy.

Please feel free to pass them on.

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Bad jokes that are funny (1–10):

I was asked whether I knew Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address. What could I say? I didn’t even know Lincoln had a home in Gettysburg.

Have you heard about the new cookbook just published? It’s written by a well-known television adventurer and survival expert. It has some great tips for cooking meat on a campfire when you’re stuck in the jungle. The book’s called Bear Grills.

I had tickets to see a play at Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre in London. I was excited until my boss said I had to work late on some project that I thought was a crock of that which stinks. I told him I’d lose my money if I didn’t go. He told me I’d lose my job if I didn’t work late. “That’s not fair,” I said. He smiled and said, “Well, it looks like you’re stuck between a crock and the Bard’s place.”

Did you hear the one about the man who walked into a bar? There was a warning sign, but he wasn’t paying attention.

I was leaving the subway at 42nd Street when I stumbled. I reached out and grabbed a pole. The guy wasn’t happy, and he started swearing at me in his own language.

Imagine my dilemma. It’s late at night, dark, and I’m walking alone along 9th Avenue through Hell’s Kitchen. Suddenly, I’m confronted by a sinister guy with a bat in his hand. It was tense, I can tell you, but then the bat flew off, and the guy went chasing after it.

The health inspector was inspecting the kitchen in the restaurant I managed, and he said he’d found a live beetle under the refrigerator. “Which one?” I said, “Paul or Ringo?”

When I was in school, I got into trouble for truancy. As it wasn’t the first time, I was told the principal would throw the book at me. She did. It was the Encyclopaedia Britannica.

I asked a girl in the office for a date. She said she didn’t have any, but she did ask whether I’d like one of the figs from her lunchbox.

The receptionist walked into my office, and she was shouting that she had an axe to grind. I told her that wasn’t something we dealt with in the Accounts Department.

Bad jokes that are funny (11–20):

My boss asked me whether I could date the letter he had in his hand, but I told him I preferred to date girls.

They asked me if I could play a bass. No, I said, but I can cook a mean seabream.

My mother asked me whether I’d received a letter at school today. “Yes,” I said, “I got a D in Science.”

My boss told me that I had a chip on my shoulder. Well, it might seem a bit odd, but there’s no law against using Pringles to accessorize your clothes.

The other day, I went down to the river, and there was a gang fight between a shoal of Carp and a shoal of Perch. I couldn’t quite comprehend what I was seeing until another angler said, “We’re fishing in troubled waters.”

Two electrons were the best of buddies. Well, why wouldn’t they be when they were both on the same wavelength?

My friend said, “I need help. Can I tap you for $1,000?” I said, “For $1,000, you can hit me over the head with a baseball bat.”

I’ve just read a statistic that suggests 65% of bald men still carry a comb. They just can’t part with it.

It was a cold night, and I was on the Staten Island Ferry, standing on deck, gazing out at the Statue of Liberty. A guy approached me, waving an unlit cigarette, and he said, “Got a light, Mac?” I smiled and said, “No, but can I offer you a dark brown overcoat?”

I was in a coffee shop in Manhattan, and I couldn’t get the Wi-Fi to work. I asked the girl behind the counter to help me. She said it was faulty, and I’d have to pretend it was 1973. So, I gave her a dime for my coffee and lit up a cigarette.

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Bad jokes that are funny (21-30):

When my wife came down to breakfast, she asked what was left. Apparently, the opposite of right wasn’t helpful.

We were in the garden, and my wife said she was looking for a pole. She wasn’t amused when I asked, “Which one, north or south?”

I’ve just seen a twelve-inch ruler. You wouldn’t think someone so small could become a nation’s monarch, would you?

I was looking forward to my lunch date, but my friends just dismissed it as a sweet Middle Eastern fruit.

How was my trip? Let me tell you, how was my trip? I fell flat on my face and broke my nose.

Did you know that the song overwhelmingly voted favourite by textile workers everywhere is Die Another Day?

At the job interview, I was asked if I could perform under pressure. “No,” I said, “but I could probably do a passable version of Bohemian Rhapsody.”

The questionnaire asked whether I liked rock. It wasn’t obvious whether they meant riff-driven popular music or the famous sweet confectionery from Blackpool.

I’m so old that I can remember when the Super Bowl was just the slightly inflated bowl.

This morning, I noticed I had a large mole on my back. How it got in from the garden, I’ll never know.

Bad jokes that are funny (30–40):

I started work on a construction site, and the foreman asked me whether I was familiar with boring. “Sure!” I said. “I can be as boring as the best of them.”

My wife said she was looking for a ruler. Apparently, you’ll find King Charles in Buckingham Palace, wasn’t helpful.

When the waitress served my toast this morning, she asked me what I thought of the jam. “They’re okay,” I said, “but I prefer the Electric Light Orchestra.”

I asked a friend could he recommend a small arms manufacturer. He said, “Have you tried Smith & Wesson?” I said, “I didn’t even know they made prosthetic limbs for young children.”

A girl in the office received a bunch of flowers this morning with all the heads cut off. I think she might have a stalker.

On a day out in the country, I walked into a wood. That’s nice, you might think. Well, before long, I’d walked into a Smith, a Jones, and a Barrington-Smyth too. I really must get my eyes tested.

My wife asked me if I knew her favourite flower. Recognizing a loaded question, I thought about it very carefully before I responded. Then I said, “Self-raising?”  She hasn’t spoken to me since.

Teacher: Give me a sentence that includes the words defence, defeat, and detail. Little Johnny: When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first and then detail.

We were walking through Central Park when my wife shouted, “Duck!” Naturally, I dipped my head as I looked up for an airborne obstacle. That was when I tripped over a large Wood duck, fell flat on my face, and broke my nose. The Moral of the Story: Consider your wife’s advice carefully before acting.

Dr Rivera was a trauma specialist in A&E known for his insensitive bedside manner. One day, a casualty was brought in following a gas explosion. The patient’s wife arrived and asked the doctor, “Can you tell me whether my husband will have any long-term effects from the explosion?” Dr Rivera thought about her question momentarily and then said, “At this stage, all I can say with certainty is that he’ll be no good in a Mexican wave.

Bad jokes that are funny (40–47):

I keep seeing signs which read, Bill Posters Will Be Prosecuted. I don’t know what he’s done but this guy Posters must be one bad boy.

The guy asked me whether I knew Centre Parcs. “No,” I said, “but I think I know his brother Bill.”

I applied for a job as security staff in a nightclub, and at the interview, they asked me if I knew martial arts. “I don’t think so,” I said. “What’s his first name?”

I used a computer in the local library to order something online. When I was done, my wife asked if I’d cleared the cache. “Why?” I said. “I used my credit card.” 

We were going clothes shopping, and my wife suggested I buy a jacket. I said, “Great idea! Let’s go to Spud-u-Like.”

A drunken scouser staggers into a public house on Lime Street with a large, beautiful, brightly-coloured Scarlet Macaw on his shoulder. The drunk staggers up to the bar, and the bartender says, “Wow, where did you get that?” “Oh,” says the macaw, “Lime Street’s full of them at this time of night.”

A guy is standing at the Gates of Hell, waiting to be admitted. As he waits his turn, he’s unimpressed with what he sees of his surroundings. Eventually, he gets to the front of the line, and the Devil is standing there with a clipboard. “Hey,” he says to the Devil, “this place stinks. You really expect us all to put up with this?” The Devil pauses momentarily, smiles and then says, “Lighten up, buddy!” It’ll only feel like an eternity.”

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So, dear reader, did any of these bad jokes that are funny prove to be as funny as you’d hoped?

I hope so.

However, there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read today, please share it with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share it now, then I would be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

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25 funniest one-liners to make you smile

09/12/2025 by

Here are some of the funniest one-liners I was able to find today. They all made me smile, and I hope they brighten your day, too.

Unfortunately, I was unable to identify the original authors for these inventive and witty lines, so for the moment they are all classified as ‘Author Unknown.’

However, should any reader be able to identify specific authors for individual one-liners, then I’d welcome your advice. I am very keen to add acknowledgements and links wherever I can, so please help.

In the meantime, take a few minutes to enjoy 25 of the funniest one-liners because everyone needs to laugh whenever possible.

FUNNIEST ONE-LINERS
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Funniest one-liners (1-12):

  1. I won $3 million in the lottery this weekend, so I decided to donate a quarter to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
  2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there; he said he couldn’t complain.
  3. I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is. Call me playful, but scaring men is so easy.
  4. Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
  5. Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
  6. Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
  7. It’s easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
  8. Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
  9. The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
  10. My ideal woman is one who is too naïve to know she’s way out of my league.
  11. She wanted a puppy, but I didn’t want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.
  12. My girlfriend left me because she couldn’t handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

Funniest one-liners (13-25):

  1. A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
  2. The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don’t have.
  3. Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
  4. My husband is on the roof. Only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
  5. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says, “Pint please, and one for the road!”
  6. My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
  7. One day, you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
  8. Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
  9. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50/50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
  10. Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
  11. Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times, men avoided asking the way.
  12. “Doctor, there’s a patient on Line 1 who says he’s invisible.” “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
  13. The deeper the pit you’re falling into, the more chance you have to learn how to fly. 
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If any of these one-liners made you smile, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

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21 best puns ever and guaranteed to make you smile

09/12/2025 by

Today, I’ve curated some of the best puns ever. Well, I think so.

I love wordplay, especially that form of wordplay that exploits multiple meanings of words for humorous effect.

I think clever puns are brilliant, which is why I’ve been searching the Internet for some of the best ones.

Here are 21 of the best puns I’ve found, so let me know what you think.

As always, when searching the net for wit and wisdom, it’s difficult to confirm the original author. Should you be one of them, dear reader, then please let me know. That way, I can give you full credit for your brilliance.

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Best puns ever:

  1. How did I escape Iraq? Iran.
  2. I hate peer pressure, and you should too.
  3. Ladies, if he doesn’t appreciate your fruit jokes, let that mango.
  4. I’m emotionally constipated. I haven’t given a sh** in days.
  5. I’m a born pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
  6. My new girlfriend works at the Zoo. I think she’s a keeper.
  7. A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where’s the bartender?”
  8. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
  9. I’d tell you a chemistry joke, but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
  10. I’ve decided to sell my Hoover. Well, it’s just gathering dust.
  11. What did the grape say when it got crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
  12. About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast.
  13. The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
  14. A cop knocked on my door and said my dogs were chasing people on bikes, but my dogs don’t even own bikes.
  15. I found a rock yesterday that measured 1760 yards in length. That must be a milestone.
  16. To the mathematician who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing.
  17. This morning, some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that’s a nice Jester.
  18. Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can’t tell me that’s a coincidence.
  19. I dreamt I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda, then I realised it was just a Fanta sea.
  20. A wife shouted to her husband that moose were falling from the sky. No, it’s just reindeer, he responded.
  21. A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I realised that toucan play that game.

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Were these the best puns ever? Did they make you smile? If so, please share this post with your friends on social media.

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Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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