5 funny joke stories that’ll entertain any social gathering

01/22/2026 by
5 FUNNY JOKE STORIES

If you’re looking for funny joke stories to tell your friends in the bar after work, then here are five you’ll really enjoy.

I’m confident they’ll raise a smile or two, so please feel free to pass them on.

FUNNY JOKE STORIES
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Funny joke stories:

1. Rick and the Biker:

Rick is sitting at the counter in a roadside bar in Austin, staring at his drink, when a very large and mean-looking biker is suddenly standing right next to him. The biker grabs Rick’s, as yet, untouched drink and swallows it in one gulp.

“That tasted real good, boy,” said the biker, punching Rick on the shoulder. “So, what are you going to do about it?”

Well, Rick just bursts into tears.

“Oh, man up,” says the biker. “I can’t stand seeing a man crying. What’s your problem, buddy?”

“This is the worst day of my life,” Rick responds. “I’m a complete failure. I missed my sales targets again this month, and I got fired. When I left the office, I discovered that my car had been stolen from the parking lot, and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I had to take to get home. When I got home, I found my wife in bed with the mailman. And then my dog bit me.”

The biker’s attitude towards Rick softened a little.

“I came into this bar to work up enough courage to end it all,” Rick continued. “I bought my drink and dropped a Strychnine capsule into it. The capsule had only just fully dissolved when you showed up and swallowed the whole damn drink in one gulp.”

Rick paused momentarily and then said, “Anyway, enough about me. How’s your day going?”

2. Father Murphy and Samson:

A Roman Catholic priest, Father Murphy, is driving through North Carolina on his way to Wilmington.

Suddenly, his car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. However, he’s fairly close to a farm, so he decides to see whether the farmer can help him.

Father Murphy finds the farmer, who’s ploughing one of his fields.

“Sir,” said Father Murphy. “I’m on my way to Wilmington, and my car’s broken down. Can you help me?”

“I’m sorry, but there’s no one around here who can help you fix your car, Father,” says the farmer. “However, I could lend you one of my horses.”

“Well, beggars can’t be choosers,” Father Murphy responds. “So, I appreciate your help, and I’ll gladly accept your offer.”

“OK,” says the farmer. “You can take Samson. He’s a good Christian horse.”

“Really,” Father Murphy responds. “How can you tell he’s Christian?”

“Well, if you want Samson to move forward, you have to say, Praise the Lord,” says the farmer. “And if you want him to stop, you have to say Amen.”

The priest sets off on Samson, but very quickly, he’s forgotten the farmer’s instructions. Then, a few miles down the road, the horse is spooked when a car backfires with a loud bang.

The horse bolts and is galloping at speed towards the edge of a cliff. Father Murphy is struggling to gain control of Samson.

“STOP, STOP, SSSTTTTOOOPPPPP!” yells the priest.

Seeing nothing is working, Father Murphy starts reciting the Lord’s Prayer out loud, in the hope he might benefit from some divine intervention from the good Lord above.

As he gets to the end of the prayer, naturally Father Murphy says, “Amen!”

They’re at the very edge of the cliff at this point, when suddenly the horse stops just in time to avoid a very long fall down to the jagged rocks far below.

Father Murphy breathes a sigh of relief that God has answered his prayer, and he says, “Praise the Lord!”

Phil Sutton

3. Lateral thinking:

A woman went to her doctor’s surgery, where she was seen by a newly qualified medic.

Within seconds, she could be heard screaming as she ran out of the examination room in tears and fled the building.

A senior doctor witnessed what happened and, naturally, asked the young medic for an explanation as to exactly what happened.

“Well, sir,” said the young medic, “I just told her she was pregnant.”

“Pregnant!” the senior doctor exclaimed. “How can she be pregnant? She’s 75 years old. What possible reason could you have for telling her that she’s pregnant?”

“Well,” the young medic responded, “it certainly cured the problem with her hiccups.”

4. Legal minefield:

The bartender asks a guy sitting at the bar, “OK, buddy, what’ll you have?”

“I’ll have a Scotch,” says the guy.

The bartender gives the guy a Scotch and then says, “That’ll be six dollars, please.”

“What do you mean?” The guy responds. “I don’t owe you anything. You offered me a drink.”

At this point, a lawyer from the law firm next door, who was also sitting at the bar, intervenes and says to the bartender, “He has a point. Your offer did not imply an obligation for payment, but it did represent a verbal contract upon acceptance. So, legally, there’s no requirement for him to pay you for the drink.”

Well, the bartender’s not happy, but he realises that we live in litigious times, and he didn’t want to risk an expensive lawsuit, so he decides to let it go.

However, he says to the guy, “OK, buddy, you win. Enjoy your free drink, but I don’t want to see you in here again. Take your business elsewhere.”

A few days pass before the guy reappears in the bar.

“What the hell are you doing in here?” asks the bartender. “I thought I told you to take your business elsewhere.”

“What are you talking about?” Asks the guy. “I’ve never been in here before.”

Fearing he’d made a mistake, and knowing there were a couple more lawyers sitting at the bar, the bartender backs down.

“I’m sorry,” says the bartender, “but the likeness is uncanny. You must have a double.”

“That’s very kind of you,” says the guy. “A double Scotch would be great. Thank you.”

5. The rat and the frog:

A guy walks into a Manhattan bar and says to the bartender, “Hey buddy, if I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?”

“Well,” says the bartender, “if it’s really good, I will.”

So the guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small rat.

He then reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano with a tiny piano stool.

He sets the rat at the piano, and it then proceeds to play the Scott Joplin classic, The Entertainer.

“Wow, that’s impressive,” says the bartender, giving the guy his free drink.

The man takes a sip of his ice-cold beer, and then he says to the bartender, “If I can show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks all night?”

“Listen, buddy, I can’t see how you’ll top that,” says the bartender, “but if you can, you’ve got yourself a deal.”

The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a tiny frog. The frog then begins to sing, accompanied by the rat playing Hit the Road, Jack.

As the guy’s enjoying his free drinks, a stranger who’d been watching the performance walks up to him and says, “I’ll give you $100,000 for the frog.”

“The frog’s not for sale,” the guy responds.

“How about $250,000?” the stranger asks.

“No, the frog’s not for sale,” the guy responds

“OK,” says the stranger. “I’ll give you $500,000 for the frog. That’s my last offer.”

“You’ve got yourself a deal, mister,” says the guy, giving the stranger the frog once the money’s been transferred to his bank account via the stranger’s smartphone.

Having watched the transaction, the bartender says to the guy, “You must be nuts letting the frog go for $500,000. It’s got to be worth millions.”

The guy smiled and said, “Not really.”

“What do you mean?” asked the bartender.

“Well,” the guy responds, “the rat’s a ventriloquist.

Go Explore London

Please share this post with your friends:

Dear reader, did these funny joke stories make you smile? I do hope so.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, then please click on the links below. I’m confident that you’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read today, please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. And you’ll be helping an aspiring blogger to reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

Articles you might enjoy:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2026. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

6 funny long jokes that’ll make you smile

01/21/2026 by

If you like telling your friends funny long jokes and you’re looking for some ammunition, then here are six good ones that should make your friends smile.

FUNNY LONG JOKES
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Funny long jokes:

1. A face at the window:

Bill and Bobby Joe were leaving their local bar one night after a session of heavy drinking.

They’re both staggering, and they fall into Bobby Joe’s station wagon, and he starts it up.

With the engine running and Bobby Joe still fumbling around in the driver’s seat, suddenly the face of an old man appears in the window on the passenger side, and he’s tapping lightly on the window.

It is pitch black out there, and being taken completely by surprise, naturally, this spooks Bill. So in reaction, he screams, “Oh my God, there’s a ghost!”

Well, Bill’s remark spooks Bobby Joe, too, so he puts his foot down and the station wagon begins to accelerate.

Bobby Joe can see the speedometer needle moving, and yet, the face of the old man remains there in the window.

So Bill lowers the window and says, “What do you want, old man?”

“You got any tobacco?” the old man asks, softly.

Bill offers him a cigarette, and then shouts, “Step on the gas, Bobby Joe, and let’s get the hell out of here!”

Well, the speedometer on the station wagon is approaching 80, and Bobby Joe looks at it and says, “We’ll be fine, he can’t catch us now.”

Suddenly, they hear the tapping on the window again, and it’s the same old man.

So, Bill rolls down the window once again and says, “What is it now?”

“Have you got a light?” the old man asks, politely.

Bill lights the man’s cigarette and then shouts, “Bobby Joe, step on it!”

So, Bobby Joe presses the accelerator hard down to the floor and watches as the speedometer exceeds 100 miles per hour.

Once again, Bobby Joe remarks, “We’ll be fine, Bill; he can’t catch us now.”

Well, a minute or two passes, and they hear that tapping on the window again.

Bill lowers the window and screams, “What the hell is it now, old man?”

“Your wheels are still spinning in the mud,” the old man responds softly, pointing to the rear of the vehicle.

2. The stakeout:

Rookie police officer Jim Smith has been assigned the role of staking out a local bar one night, watching out for potential DUI violations.

As the evening draws to a close, he watches as one young man staggers out of the bar and tries his keys in five different cars before finding his own.

The young man fumbles for a few minutes, as Officer Smith keeps an Eagle eye on him, and eventually, the car door opens, and the young man falls into the driver’s seat.

Officer Smith watches the young man like a hawk, waiting to pounce, as other patrons start leaving the bar and driving off in their cars.

Eventually, the young man gets his car started and attempts to drive away.

At that point, Officer Smith makes his move and pulls him over.

“Sir, I must caution you that I suspect you’re driving under the influence and I need you to blow into this breathalyzer for me, please,” Officer Smith says politely but very firmly.

The young man does as requested and then hands the breathalyzer back to Officer Smith for checking.

Officer Smith looks closely at the blood-alcohol content score, and it measures zero.

Officer Smith is puzzled by this outcome and demands to know what’s going on.

The young man smiles and says, “Sir, tonight it was my turn as designated decoy.”

3. The black bear:

A big black bear walks into a bar and orders a beer.

“I’m sorry,” the bartender responds, “but we don’t serve beer to bears in this bar. That’s our policy.“

Well, the bear is not amused. It rears back a little and then growls, “I don’t care about your policy. I’m a bear, and I want a beer.”

The bartender remains calm, smiles, and then replies, “I get it, you’re not happy, but as I said, we don’t serve beer to bears in this bar.”

The bear stands up at full height, raises its massive paws and howls, “I’m a bear, and I want a beer! And if I don’t get me a beer now, I will eat one of your customers.“

The bartender remains unfazed by the situation. He just smiles and says, “Listen, buddy, do whatever you gotta do, but I won’t be serving you a beer.”

So, the bear walks down to the end of the bar, grabs a gin-soaked, drunken lady sitting at the counter, and greedily eats her.

Once he’s finished eating her, he returns to face the bartender, looks him in the eye and declares, “Right, you’ve seen what I can do. I’m a bear, and I want a beer.“

The bartender is still unfazed.

“Listen, buddy,” he says, “I’ve told you already, we don’t serve beer to bears in this bar. And for that matter, we don’t serve drug addicts either.”

“DRUG ADDICT!” the bear roars, “What the hell are you talking about?”

The bartender looks the bear in the eye and says, “That was a bar-bitch-you-ate.”

Phil Sutton

4. The challenge:

Jerry was an Iron Man champion who also owned a bar just off the Las Vegas Strip.

Everyone in town knew that Jerry was the strongest man around, and knowing that visitors to Las Vegas liked a bet, he used that to his advantage in attracting people into his bar.

On the counter, there was a big sign headlined Challenge Jerry. In the small print, it explained that the bet was that anyone who could beat Jerry in a strongman challenge could win $1,000. The cost of the bet was $10.

In the challenge, Jerry would squeeze the juice from an orange into a glass. Once Jerry had squeezed the life out of the orange, challengers had to take the orange and see if they could squeeze any more juice from it.

Over the years, truck drivers, lumberjacks, weightlifters and all sorts of tough guys had tried to beat Jerry in this challenge, so far, but no one had ever got the better of him.

One day, a small, thin, weak-looking, middle-aged man with thinning hair and heavy-rimmed spectacles walked into the bar, slapped a $10 bill on the counter and said that he was willing to take up the challenge.

Everyone in the bar started laughing at the idea that this weak-looking, little man would have any chance of beating Jerry and walking out with the $1,000.

Jerry smiled at the man, picked up the $10 and said, “OK, Buddy, you’ve got yourself a bet.”

He then picks up one of California’s finest and squeezes the juice out of it until the glass is almost full. What remained of the orange was then handed to the challenger.

The little man focused momentarily and then started squeezing as hard as he could with both hands. To everyone’s amazement, within seconds, half a dozen drops of juice dripped into the glass.

Jerry congratulated the man on his success and handed him $1,000.

“I’m impressed,” said Jerry. “What do you do for a living, buddy? I’m guessing you must be a lumberjack?”

“Oh no,” the man responded. “I work for the IRS.”

5. The DEA Agent:

Steve McShane is an agent with the Drug Enforcement Agency based in Arizona, and he’s had a tip-off that a farmer near Scottsdale is growing marijuana in one of his fields.

So McShane shows up at the farm one day unannounced and says to the farmer, “Hey buddy, I’m from the DEA, and I’ve got a warrant to search your farm, as we suspect you of growing illegal narcotics.”

“Really!” the farmer says, a little surprised, “I don’t know where you got that idea, but I guess I’ve got no choice but to let you do whatever you’ve got to do. However, I must warn you, DO NOT go in the backfield.”

Well, McShane is a little put out by this last comment, so he pulls out his badge and says to the farmer, “Now listen, old man, do you see this badge? Take a good look at it, buddy. This badge says I’m with the DEA. And with this badge, I’ve got access to all areas. Do you hear what I’m sayin’? No one or nothing can stop me. You got that?”

“Yes, sir!” said the farmer.

With that, Steve McShane heads straight for the backfield, believing the farmer’s comment was an attempt to deflect him from looking in the place where the marijuana is being grown.

Within minutes, the farmer sees the DEA man running as though his life depended on it. And it did, as McShane was being chased by the biggest, meanest, fastest bull you’ve ever seen.

As the bull closes on him, McShane screams at the farmer for help.

“SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!” shouts the farmer. “Just tell him it gives you access to all areas.”

6. Spelling Test:

Beryl’s married life had not been a happy one, and sadly, one day, she passed away.

Suddenly, she finds herself standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St Peter.

“Hello, Beryl,” St Peter says warmly. “You’ve done your best to lead a good and decent life, I know, so all I need is for you to spell one word correctly and you’ll be admitted to the kingdom of Heaven.”

“Right!” said Beryl. “And what word do I need to spell?”

“That word is love, Beryl,” St Peter responds. “Can you spell it for me?”

“Yes, of course,” said Beryl. “It’s L O V E.”

“Well done,” St Peter responds, “and welcome to the kingdom of Heaven.”

Beryl quickly settles into life in Heaven and finds a new sense of purpose in helping St Peter with his many duties.

St Peter begins to rely on her so much that one day, when he’s very busy, he asks her to deputise for him at the Pearly Gates, checking new arrivals.

As luck would have it, Beryl’s husband appears at the Pearly Gates whilst she’s on duty.

“Oh, it’s you,” says Beryl. “Well, I’ve got to tell you that you won’t be admitted to Heaven unless you can spell one word correctly for me. And you only get one chance to spell it perfectly.”

“Right!” says her husband. “And what word do I need to spell for you?”

“Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu,” Beryl responds, smiling brightly.

Go Explore London

If you enjoyed these long jokes, please share them:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these funny long jokes made you smile, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

More fun you might enjoy:

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4 funny stories to tell your friends in the bar

01/21/2026 by
4 FUNNY STORIES to tell your friends

Dear reader, are you looking for some funny stories to tell your friends in the bar or at parties? If you want to be popular, always having a joke or two to tell your friends is a great way to achieve it.

So enjoy these funny jokes and feel free to pass them on.

FUNNY STORIES TO TELL YOUR FRIENDS
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Funny stories to tell your friends:

1. Pythagoras pun:

A medieval king was hunting in Africa, and he killed a lion, an elephant and a hippopotamus.

Returning to his kingdom, he awarded the hides from these animals to his three squires. In turn, these three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became increasingly jealous of the Hippo Squire because he possessed, what to them was, the most treasured of the three hides.

So these two jealous squires hatched a plot to kill the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them.

Now the Lion Squire had ten sons, and the Elephant Squire had six sons, whilst the Hippo Squire was childless. So the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire sent their sixteen sons to kill the Hippo Squire and return with the prized hide.

However, in the ensuing battle, the Hippo Squire single-handedly managed to kill all sixteen of the sons.

Thus, it is proved that the squire of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squires of the other two hides.

2. Yearning for a child:

Two women are sitting in their doctor’s waiting room, and they begin discussing babies.

“I’m desperate to have a baby,” said the first woman. “However, I’m starting to think it’ll never happen.”

“I used to think like that,” said the other woman. “But then everything changed. That’s why I’m here. I’ll be having my baby in four months.”

“Wow!” said the first woman. “How did it all change for you?

”I went to see a faith healer,” her companion responded.

 “Oh,” said the first woman. “My husband and I did try that, but unfortunately, it didn’t help at all.”

Her pregnant companion smiled, then moved closer to her and whispered, “Next time, try going alone.“

Phil Sutton

3. Little Johnny:

Little Johnny came running out of the bathroom in tears.

“What’s the matter, Johnny?” asked his dad.

“Dad, I dropped my toothbrush in the toilet,” said Little Johnny.

His dad smiled, benevolently, and said, “Never mind, son, but we’d better just throw it out. There are some new ones in the medicine cabinet.”

So, Johnny’s dad fished the toothbrush out of the toilet bowl and went off to throw it in the garbage.

When he returned, Johnny was standing there holding another toothbrush.

“That looks like my toothbrush, Johnny,” said his dad.

“Yes, it is,” said Johnny. “You’d better throw it out, too, because it fell in the toilet bowl last week.”

4. Hunting season:

A truck driver hauling a load of computers stops at a roadside diner in California for a coffee and some lunch.

As he enters the diner, he notices a sign which says, NO COMPUTER NERDS ALLOWED IN HERE – ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK in large red letters.

As the trucker takes his seat at the counter, a stern-looking waitress looks at him suspiciously and then says, “Now listen here, buddy, I can smell computers on you. I hope you’re not a nerd.”

“No, mam,” the trucker responds. “I’m hauling a consignment of computers today, so I guess some of their smell has rubbed off on me.”

“Well, that’s just fine then,” says the waitress, pouring him a cup of coffee.

As the trucker is taking his first sip of coffee, a skinny guy walks into the diner. He’s wearing black-rimmed glasses, held together with tape, and he’s got a row of pens and pencils in his breast pocket.

Without saying a word, the stern-looking waitress pulls a shotgun from behind the counter, and she shoots this skinny guy dead.

The trucker is stunned by what he’s just witnessed. “What did you do that for?” he asks the waitress.

“Don’t worry, sir,” the waitress responds. “Computer Nerds are in season right now because they’re over-populating Silicon Valley. You don’t even need a license to shoot them.”

So, the trucker finishes his lunch and sets off to complete his delivery.

However, he’s just driving onto Interstate 5 when he has to swerve violently to avoid a collision with another vehicle.

As he brings his truck back under control, the back door to his truck bursts open, and computers spill all over the highway.

He stops his truck, but before he can get around the back, there are computer nerds everywhere gathering up computers and running off with them.

Well, the trucker can’t afford to have his load stolen right from under his nose, so he grabs a shotgun he keeps in his cab, and then he shoots several of the nerds dead.

Within seconds, a Highway Patrol car pulls up, and the police officer jumps out and orders the trucker to stop shooting at once.

“Why?” says the trucker. “I thought computer nerds were in season.”

“They are,” says the cop, “but you’re not allowed to bait ‘em.”

Go Explore London

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, did any of these funny stories to tell your friends actually make you smile? I do hope so.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, then please click on the links below. I’m confident that you’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read today, please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. And you’ll be helping an aspiring blogger to reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

Articles you might enjoy:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2026. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

10 short funny jokes that will make you smile

01/20/2026 by
10 short funny jokes

If you’re looking for some short funny jokes, then these might just make you smile.

They all tickled me, so I hope you enjoy them too.

And please feel free to pass them on.

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Short funny jokes:

1. The bacon tree:

Two cowboys are lost in the desert.

As they’re staggering through the desert and very hungry, one of the cowboys suddenly sees a tree draped in bacon.

“A bacon tree!” he shouts. “We’re saved!”

He runs over to the tree as fast as he can, but he’s shot up with bullets as he approaches it.

Sadly for him, it wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

2. Polishing a resumé:

To ensure you impress a hiring manager with your resumé, you must make your experience really stand out.

Even when the experience you have to offer might not sound like very much, you have to make it sound impressive.

For instance, let’s say on your resumé, you want to include the experience, “I changed a lightbulb.”

That simple statement would not be enough. A better way to say it would be:-

I single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of a new environmental illumination system with zero cost.

3. Reporting in sick:

I phoned the office, and I told my boss that I couldn’t come to work today because I have a wee cough.

She said, “You have a wee cough?”

“Really,” I said. “Thanks, boss. I’ll see you next week then.”

4. Never send your husband on an errand:

Jane said to her husband, Bill, “Could you please go to the store and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six?”

A short time later, Bill returns with 6 cartons of milk.

“Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?” asks Jane.

“Because they had eggs,” says Bill.

5. Married life after 50:

Jim and Mary had been married for over 30 years, and they were travelling from Los Angeles to London.

During check-in at LAX, the airline agent was apologetic to Jim and said, “Sir, I’m sorry, but the flight is full today, and you should be aware that you and your wife haven’t been allocated adjacent seats. Your seat number is 14A, and your wife’s is 42H.”

“Well, thank you, mam,” said Jim, with a smile. “Will I have to pay an extra charge for this bonus?”

“Oh, no, sir,” said the airline agent, politely. “Your wife has already paid.”

6. History matters:

Wouldn’t you agree that it’s an indictment of our education system today that young people have absolutely no idea who Neil Armstrong was or the type of trumpet that he played?

7. Little Johnny needs water:

Little Johnny runs downstairs late at night and asks his dad for a glass of water.

“Johnny,” says his dad, “that’ll be your fifteenth glass of water. Why do you need more water now?”

“Because my room’s still on fire,” says Johnny.

8. Hearing problems:

I went to the doctor because I had hearing problems.

“Can you describe your symptoms?” the doctor asked.

“Homer’s the fat bloke,” I responded, “and Marge has blue hair.

9. Pulled over for speeding:

Jack gets pulled over for speeding.

As the cop approaches the car, Jack requests permission to step out of his car, and the cop agrees.

The cop then says, “Sir, I’m obliged to ask, why were you speeding?”

“You see that woman sitting in the passenger seat?” says Jack. “That’s my wife. And the stern, miserable-looking woman in the rear seat, that’s my mother-in-law.”

“Right,” says the cop. “But how does that justify speeding?”

“My mother-in-law’s been living with us for three months now,” Jack continues. “This morning, my wife and her mother had a terrible fight, and my mother-in-law insisted I take her home. I’m trying to get her there before they have a chance to make up, and she says she wants to return home with us.”

The cop smiles benevolently at Jack and says, “Get back in your car, sir, and I will give you a police escort under blue lights and the siren, and we’ll get her home as quickly as possible.”

10. Date night:

Calum called his Mom and said, “Mom, I’ve just met the girl of my dreams. She’s wonderful?”

“Well, that’s grand,” said his Mom. “Why don’t you buy her some flowers and invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?“

Calum agreed that would be a romantic gesture and said he’d let Mom know how it went.

Naturally, Mom was keen to know how it went, so the day after the date, she called to hear his news.

“Mom,” said Calum, “it was a complete disaster.”

“Why, son, didn’t she come over?” Mom asked.

“Oh, she came over, all right,” said Calum. “But she refused to cook!“

Phil Sutton

Please share this post with your friends:

They were shared just for laughs, but did any of these short funny jokes really make you smile? I do hope so.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, then please click on the links below. I’m confident that you’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read today, please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. And you’ll be helping an aspiring blog to reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

Articles you might enjoy:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2026. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

4 funny jokes that won’t offend but will amuse you

01/09/2026 by

Today I offer you some very funny jokes that won’t offend anyone, but they’ll definitely amuse you and your friends, dear reader; of that I’m confident.

So take a moment to enjoy these three little gems. And of course, feel free to pass them on.

FUNNY JOKES that won't offend
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Funny jokes that won’t offend:

1. Father Murphy:

Father Murphy looked uneasy as he attempted to greet the wedding guests at the entrance to St Bernadette’s Church.

He doesn’t say much, and he looks uncomfortable, but the congregation knows him to be a bit shy.

As the bride arrives, Father Murphy makes his way to the altar, and as the couple approaches, he gives the best speech anyone has ever heard.

Not only is it an excellent speech, full of wisdom and insight, but he also appears confident, and he has everyone rolling on the floor laughing.

After the couple has made their vows and everyone is leaving, Father Murphy steps down from the altar, and once again, he becomes tongue-tied and shy and barely manages to say a word to anyone.

Feeling a little sorry for him, the groom says, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, Father, but why are you so shy now? You seemed like a different person when you were up there giving that speech earlier.“

“I know,” Father Murphy responded, “but that was just my altar ego.”

Phil Sutton

2. Running out of gas:

Gerry is driving down the freeway when he runs out of gas.

He’s sitting there in the driver’s seat, wondering what to do next, when a bee flies in through his window.

“What seems to be your problem?” asks the bee.

“I’ve run out of gas,” Gerry replies.

“That’s unfortunate,” says the bee. “However, if you wait here, I can help you.”

The bee then flies off, only to return minutes later with an entire swarm of bees. They all fly into his gas tank, leaving Gerry wondering exactly what’s going on.

After a few minutes, the swarm flies off, and the bee says to Gerry, “Try it now.”

Gerry turns his ignition key, and his car fires into action immediately.

“Wow!” Gerry exclaims. “What did you put in the gas tank?“

The bee smiles and says, “BP, of course.“

Go Explore London

3. Wisdom of the Ancients:

The Native Americans on a remote reservation in Wyoming asked their new chief, Akecheta, whether the winter ahead would be mild or cold.

Now Chief Akecheta was a modern man, educated at a university, but he hadn’t been taught the old ways and the wisdom of his ancestors.

He looked into the sky, but he was unable to read the signs as to whether the winter would be cold or not.

Naturally, he didn’t want to lose credibility with the tribe, so, to save face and be on the safe side, he just told them that the winter was going to be cold and that they should probably start gathering firewood to be prepared.

Now he may not have learned the ancient secrets, but Chief Akecheta was a wise and practical man. So, once he was on his own, he phoned the National Weather Service and asked them for their winter forecast.

“Well, sir,” said the meteorologist, “our forecast suggests that it’s going to be quite cold.”

Feeling more confident now, Chief Akecheta went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again.

“Does it still look like it is going to be very cold this winter?” he asked the meteorologist.

“Yes, sir,” said the meteorologist. “It could be even colder than we first thought.”

So once again, Chief Akecheta went back to his people, and he ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, Chief Akecheta phoned the National Weather Service again.

“Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?” he asked the meteorologist.

“Yes, sir,” said the meteorologist. “The signs are that it’s going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.”

“How can you be so sure?” asked Chief Akecheta.

“Well, sir,” the meteorologist responded, “the Native American tribe up the road has been collecting a crazy amount of firewood recently.“

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4. The lion enclosure:

It’s Jim’s first day on the job as a trainee zookeeper at London Zoo.

His boss wants to ease him into his duties gently, so Jim’s given the fish to look after.

Unfortunately, Jim gets all the fish food mixed up with the chemicals, and he manages to kill all the fish.

Worried that the mistake might cost him his job, Jim decides it might be easier to cover it up by gathering all the now-dead fish together and throwing them into the lion enclosure when no one’s looking.

After lunch, Jim’s boss asks him to feed the chimpanzees.

Unfortunately, once again by mistake, Jim gives them all the wrong food and manages to kill them off, too.

Again, he’s worried that he could lose the job he only started that very morning. So he decides on another cover-up. Once again, Jim dumps all the bodies into the lion enclosure whilst no one’s looking.

Well, two major mistakes in one day were a little embarrassing, so in the late afternoon, Jim decided to sneak off early before he could do anything else wrong.

Sadly, another disaster was waiting to happen.

When reversing his car, he managed to back it into the apiary, and in doing so, crushed all the bees.

Left with little option, Jim executed yet another cover-up. He scooped up the crushed bees and again through them all into the lion enclosure.

Jim then jumps into his car and heads for home.

The next day, the zoo has a new arrival. It’s a new lion transferred from Whipsnade Zoo.

“What’s it like here then?” the new lion asks the others in the lion enclosure.

“Not bad,” one replies, “there’s less space here than at Whipsnade, but the food’s good. Yesterday we had fish, chimps, and mushy bees.”

Phil Sutton

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, did these funny jokes that won’t offend anyone make you laugh? I hope so.

However, there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read today, then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. And it’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share this post now, then I’d be ever so grateful, and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

More fun you might enjoy:

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50 corny but playful Yo Mama jokes

01/08/2026 by

If you enjoy Yo Mama jokes, then take a look at the 50 I have on offer for you today.

They’re all a bit corny, but they’re fun, playful, and lighthearted.

I hope at least a few of them will make you smile.

Enjoy them all, and please, feel free to share them with your friends.

Yo Mama Jokes
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Yo Mama Jokes (1-10):

  1. Yo mama’s so old, she babysat Yoda.
  2. Yo mama’s so old, her social security number is 1.
  3. Yo mama’s so slow, she was overtaken by a sloth.
  4. Yo mama’s so fat, she has to buy group insurance.
  5. Yo mama’s so dumb, she lost in a game of solitaire.
  6. Yo mama’s so old, Moses was in her class at school.
  7. Yo mama’s so slow, she’d lose in a race with a snail.
  8. Yo mama’s so slow, she gets overtaken by parked cars.
  9. Yo mama’s so slow, she could be overtaken by a glacier.
  10. Yo mama’s so lazy, she gets tired watching cars pass by.
Phil Sutton

Yo Mama Jokes (11-20):

  1. Yo mama’s so clumsy, she tripped over a cordless phone.
  2. Yo mama’s so old, she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
  3. Yo mama’s so clumsy, she tripped over a wireless network.
  4. Yo mama’s so old, she used to babysit George Washington.
  5. Yo mama’s so old, her first Christmas was the first Christmas.
  6. Yo mama’s so loud, even the deaf ask her to keep the noise down.
  7. Yo mama’s so forgetful, she forgot she was wearing her sunglasses.
  8. Yo mama’s so old, she knew Burger King when he was only a prince.
  9. Yo mama’s so heavy-handed, she’d break safety glass with a cotton ball.
  10. Yo mama’s so bad at technology, she couldn’t even find the START button on her computer.
Go Explore London

Yo Mama Jokes (21-30):

  1. Yo mama’s so old, her high school diploma is on a stone tablet.
  2. Yo mama’s so old, her birth certificate is written in hieroglyphics.
  3. Yo mama’s so bad at math, she can’t even count her own fingers.
  4. Yo mama’s so slow, even a turtle crossed the road faster than her.
  5. Yo mama’s so lazy, even her remote control needs a remote control.
  6. Yo mama’s so bad at gardening, her plants filed for ‘plant protection’.
  7. Yo mama’s so forgetful, she sometimes introduces herself to the mirror.
  8. Yo mama’s so greedy, she tried to download cookies from the internet.
  9. Yo mama’s so confused, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
  10. Yo mama’s so old, she remembers when the Grand Canyon was just a ditch.
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Yo Mama Jokes (31-40):

  1. Yo mama’s so dumb, she thinks deja vu is a yoga pose.
  2. Yo mama’s so old, Tyrannosaurus Rex was her first pet.
  3. Yo mama’s so clumsy, she tripped over her own shadow.
  4. Yo mama’s so slow, she was beaten in a race by a statue.
  5. Yo mama’s so dumb, she went to the airport to catch a train.
  6. Yo mama’s so loud, she doesn’t need a phone to make a long-distance call.
  7. Yo mama’s so lacking in a sense of direction, she got lost in her own house.
  8. Yo mama’s so old, she remembers when the Dead Sea was just feeling a little unwell.
  9. Yo mama’s so dumb, she put her phone on airplane mode and couldn’t understand why it wouldn’t fly.
  10. Yo mama knows so little about sports, she brought a spoon to the Super Bowl thinking it was a food-tasting event.
Phil Sutton

Yo Mama Jokes (41-50):

  1. Yo mama’s so loud, you can hear her thoughts.
  2. Yo mama’s so clumsy, she could slip on sunshine.
  3. Yo mama’s so slow, she came second in a ‘solo race’.
  4. Yo mama’s so bad at cooking, even the trashcan spit it out.
  5. Yo mama’s so stingy, she uses both sides of the toilet paper.
  6. Yo mama’s so dumb, she thought Bluetooth was a dental problem.
  7. Yo mama’s so dumb, if she played hide and seek alone, she’d still lose.
  8. Yo mama’s cooking is so bad, even her dog goes to a neighbour’s house to eat.
  9. Yo mama’s so dumb, she tried to charge her credit card by plugging it into the wall.
  10. Yo mama’s so dumb, she thought an Apple iPhone would count as one of her five-a-day.
Go Explore London

Please share this post:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these Yo Mama jokes made you smile, then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

More fun you might enjoy:

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33 Why Did jokes that are all full groan

01/08/2026 by

If you like Why Did jokes, then I have 33 for you today, dear reader, and I promise you that they’re all full groan.

Every one, a play on words designed to tickle your funny bone.

So, relax, take an unofficial break, and enjoy them all.

And if any of them did seriously tickle you, then please, feel free to pass them on to your friends.

WHY DID JOKES

Why Did Jokes (1-11):

  1. Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
  2. Why did the computer go on a diet? Too many cookies.
  3. Why did the belt go to jail? For holding up a pair of pants.
  4. Why did the computer go to the dentist? It had Bluetooth.
  5. Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
  6. Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus.
  7. Why did the banana go on a road trip? The a-peel of adventure.
  8. Why did the pen refuse to write? Because it felt that way ink-lined.
  9. Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.
  10. Why did the banana go to university? The a-peel of being well-educated.
  11. Why did the tomato go out with a prune? Because it couldn’t find a date.
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Why Did Jokes (12-22):

  1. Why did the lamp go to school? Because it wanted to shine amongst its peers.
  2. Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems to solve.
  3. Why did the computer go to the party? Because it wanted to dance the byte away.
  4. Why did the banana go to the therapist? Because it had a split personality.
  5. Why did the photographer start a blog? Because he wanted more exposure.
  6. Why did the tomato leave the comedy club? Because all the jokes were tasteless.
  7. Why did the tomato go on a night out? Because it wanted to paint the town red.
  8. Why did the pen become a poet? Because it had an ink-credible way with words.
  9. Why did the zombie win the dance competition? Because it had some killer moves.
  10. Why did the scarecrow become a DJ? Because it had some a-maize-ing tracks to spin.
  11. Why did the bicycle become a stand-up comedian? Because it was wheel-y funny.
Phil Sutton

Why Did Jokes (23-33):

  1. Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
  2. Why did the computer become a musician? Because it had great keyboard skills.
  3. Why did the tomato go to the party? To ketchup with friends and relish the good times.
  4. Why did the tomato turn purple? Because it was trying to ketchup with the latest trends.
  5. Why did the math student go into therapy? Because he had a lot of unresolved problems.
  6. Why did the scarecrow become a tour guide? Because it knew all the best fields and gardens.
  7. Why did the bicycle become a chef? Because it loved whipping up wheely delicious meals.
  8. Why did the teacher bring a ladder to the classroom? To help his students reach new heights.
  9. Why did the banana break up with the orange? Because they didn’t really a-peel to each other.
  10. Why did the scarecrow become a detective? Because it had exceptional ability in solving corn-undrums.
  11. Why did the math book become friends with the calculator? Because they both had problems to solve.
Go Explore London

Please share this post:

If any of these Why Did jokes made you smile, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. So, it’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Just click on the links below.

Thank you for your support.

More fun you might enjoy:

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30 Guess What jokes to raise a smile or two

01/08/2026 by

I know how much readers enjoy a good laugh, and that’s why I’ve curated a collection of delightfully clever Guess What jokes just for you today.

These aren’t just your everyday, run-of-the-mill jokes. They’re mostly just a clever play on words. That’s what I enjoy, and I hope that you enjoy this form of humour too, dear reader.

So, grab a coffee, take an unofficial break, relax, and enjoy the humour I have on offer for you today.

And please, feel free to pass on these jokes.

GUESS WHAT JOKES
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Guess what jokes (1-10):

  1. Guess what? They told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic. But so far, I’ve made three jugs and a vase.
  2. Guess what? I got my friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
  3. Guess what? My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. So, we went and had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.
  4. Guess what? My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said ‘40‘.
  5. Guess what? I’ve just written a pop song about tortillas. Well, it’s more of a wrap, really.
  6. Guess what? I started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’ve got no gigs yet.
  7. Guess what? My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table. I had to take a running start, but I made it.
  8. Guess what? I had a joke about a boomerang, but I’ve forgotten it. It’ll come back to me.
  9. Guess what? My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
  10. Guess what? I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Phil Sutton

Guess what jokes (11-20):

  1. Guess what? I can’t stand being in a wheelchair.
  2. Guess what? I had an addiction to soap, but I’m clean now.
  3. Guess what? I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said, ‘Wii.’
  4. Guess what? I once did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
  5. Guess what? I was going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
  6. Guess what? I was going to tell you a joke about infinity, but it doesn’t have an end.
  7. Guess what? I wrote a book on penguins. In hindsight, paper would have been better.
  8. Guess what? I used to be an astronaut, but I couldn’t stand the pressure.
  9. Guess what? At the library, I asked for a book on levitation. They said it was currently floating around somewhere.
  10. Guess what? A friend asked me if I had any sodium hypobromite. I said NaBrO.
Go Explore London

Guess what jokes (21-30):

  1. Guess what? I used to be a lifeguard until some blue kid got me fired.
  2. Guess what? I wanted to learn to juggle, but I just don’t have the balls.
  3. Guess what? I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. Tell you what, never again.
  4. Guess what? I’ve just told a chemistry joke, but I didn’t get a reaction.
  5. Guess what? I know a lot of jokes about retired people, but none of them work!
  6. Guess what? I told my wife I saw a deer on the way home. She said, “How do you know he was on his way home?”
  7. Guess what? My boss told me to have a good day. So, I went home.
  8. Guess what? I had a dream I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!
  9. Guess what? I’ve just opened a new restaurant called Karma. There’s no menu, you get what you deserve.
  10. Guess what? I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying, “Ooh, you’re brilliant.”
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Please share this post:

If any of these Guess What jokes made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. So, it’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Just click on the links below.

Thank you for your support.

More fun you might enjoy:

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15 Very Funny One-Liners by Billy Connolly

01/08/2026 by

Billy Connolly is known to millions worldwide as an irreverent comedian with a laser-sharp wit and an exceptional storyteller.

Often known affectionately as The Big Yin, his contribution to popular entertainment, particularly in Britain, has been enormous over the past 40 years.

He started working as a welder in the Glasgow shipyards and moved on to a career as a folk singer, initially with Gerry Rafferty and then as a solo artist.

Through that, he gradually found his natural calling, which was to make us all laugh and cheer us up. And at this, he excels.

Through his work as a comedian, he’s broadened his popular appeal through acting and presenting. In recognition of his achievements and his charitable work, he is now formally Sir William Connolly, CBE.

Billy Connolly is an excellent example of someone who, by finding something he both enjoys and excels at, has been very successful.

So today, dear reader, I offer you 15 very funny one-liners by Billy Connolly just to remind you of how witty he is. Enjoy them all.

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Funny one-liners by Billy Connolly:

  1. Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn’t try it on. ~Billy Connolly
  2. Marriage is a wonderful invention. Then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. ~Billy Connolly
  3. My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. ~Billy Connolly
  4. Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time? ~Billy Connolly
  5. I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. ~Billy Connolly
  6. I don’t know why I should have to learn algebra. I’m never likely to go there. ~Billy Connolly
  7. If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name? ~Billy Connolly
  8. A lot of people say it’s a lack of vocabulary that makes you swear. Rubbish. I know thousands of words, but I still prefer f***. ~Billy Connolly
  9. What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find? ~Billy Connolly
  10. When people say, ‘It’s always the last place you look,”. Of course, it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it? ~Billy Connolly
  11. When something is ‘new and improved!’ which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it. ~Billy Connolly
  12. Why do people say, ‘Oh, you want to have your cake and eat it too?’ Dead right! What good is a cake if you can’t eat it? ~Billy Connolly
  13. A bird in the hand invariably sh*** on your wrist. ~Billy Connolly
  14. When you’re waiting for the bus and someone asks, ‘Has the bus come yet?’ If the bus came, would I be standing here?  ~Billy Connolly
  15. My advice to you if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard. ~Billy Connolly
Phil Sutton

Please share this post with your friends:

Did these funny one-liners from Billy Connolly make you smile?

I hope so. However, you will have plenty more laughs if you click the links below.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read, then please share it all with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share it now, I would be forever grateful. You’d be helping a wannabe blogger reach a wider audience.

Your support is appreciated, dear reader. Thank you.

Articles you might enjoy:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2026. All rights reserved.

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5 funny jokes you can tell your colleagues at the office

01/08/2026 by

If you’re looking for some funny jokes you can tell your colleagues at an office party, then you’ve come to the right place, dear reader.

Today, I offer you five great jokes, and I’m confident you’ll enjoy them all.

So take a few moments for a little comic relief, and please feel free to pass them on to your friends.

Funny jokes you can tell your colleagues:

1. Buying a parrot:

Jerry’s wife decided she’d like a parrot for a pet as a birthday gift, and of course, she wanted one that could talk.

Naturally, Jerry knows it’s essential to keep his wife happy if he’s to have an easy life, but he doesn’t want to spend too much money on an exotic bird.

However, he hears about an auction where exotic birds are being traded, and he thinks this might be just the place to purchase a parrot at a reasonable price.

So Jerry arrives at the auction room and immediately spots a parrot with a reserve price of $100.

“That looks perfect,” he thinks.

So bidding starts, and they get to the $100 reserve price quickly, and bidding is with Jerry at the $100. He thinks the bird is his when suddenly a mystery bidder says $120.

Having the price pushed up at the last minute is an irritation, but Jerry is determined to get this bird for his wife.

So Jerry shouts, “$150!” But the mystery bidder then responds, “$200!”

Jerry is even more determined now, and he decides he’ll go on up to a maximum of $500. He thinks to himself, “If I can’t get it for that price, then I will just have to withdraw from the bidding.”

So Jerry and the mystery bidder continue their contest, and the price continues to soar until it reaches $500.

The auctioneer says, “Do I have any advance of $500? OK, fair warning. Going once…….”

It looks like Jerry’s got it at $500, and he waits with bated breath as the auctioneer says, “Going twice…..”

There’s no further bid from the mystery bidder.

“Sold!” says the auctioneer.

Jerry breathes a sigh of relief.

As he’s paying for the bird, Jerry says to the auctioneer, “I hope this parrot can talk. My wife would kill me if she knew I’ve paid this much money for a parrot only to find it can’t talk.”

The auctioneer smiles at Jerry as he says, “Yes, of course, he can talk. Who do you think was bidding against you?”

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2. Get knotted:

Three strings walk into a bar.

The bartender takes one look at them and says, “Sorry, but no strings are allowed in here.”

With that, they’re all ejected from the bar.

One string gets an idea and ties a knot at one end. Then it returns to the bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender looks at this string suspiciously and then says, “Wait a minute, you’re a string.”

The string is promptly ejected from the bar again.

Whilst this is going on, the second string gets an idea. It frays one end and then goes back into that bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender is just about to serve the beer, but then says, “Wait a minute, you’re a string.“

With that, the second string is ejected.

Whilst all this has been going on, the third string has had time to really think about the best solution.

As the second string is being ejected, the third string frays both ends and then ties itself into a large knot. It then walks back into the bar and requests a beer.

The bartender gets the beer, but he’s still a little suspicious. He looks closely and then asks, “Are you sure you’re not a string?“

The third string looks him in the eye and then says, “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”

Phil Sutton

3. Pelican’s bill:

A pelican walks into a bar and sits down.

“What can I get you?” the bartender asks.

“I’ll have a Jack Daniel’s on the rocks,” the pelican responds.

The bartender serves the drink, and the pelican strikes up a conversation with others sitting at the counter.

Half an hour later, the pelican, suitably refreshed, gets up, ready to leave.

“That’ll be $6.50,” says the bartender. “How will you pay? Cash or card?”

Looking slightly embarrassed, the pelican hands over a $100 note and then says, “Sorry for the big bill!“

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4. The bank robbery:

A man with a shotgun and a scarf covering the lower half of his face bursts into a branch of Bank of America.

“Freeze! No one move,” he shouts.

He hands a large leather bag to a teller and says, “Fill it with cash, and you won’t get hurt.”

The teller complies with his demand, but as he grabs the cash-filled bag from her, the scarf slips briefly to reveal his face. Quickly, he pulls it back into position.

However, panicked that a witness may have seen his face, he starts interrogating the customers.

Pointing his gun at a couple standing nearby, the bank robber growls at the man, “Did you see my face? Because if you did, I would shoot you dead!”

“No, I didn’t see your face,” the man says hesitantly.

“Are you sure?” says the bank robber.

“Absolutely,” says the man, “but I’m fairly certain my wife got a good look at you.”

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5. The lawyer at the Pearly Gates:

A lawyer dies and finds himself standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St Peter.

St Peter looks at him and then says, “You’re a lawyer. I’m afraid you cannot enter here. There’s a place down below reserved for you.”

However, using all his courtroom know-how the lawyer pleads his case until eventually, St Peter agrees to reconsider.

“OK this is what I’ll do”, says St Peter. “You’ll spend the same amount of time in Hell as you did on Earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here in heaven.”

“Fair enough,” the lawyer responds.

“Right then,” says St Peter, “we’ll see you again in three hundred and seventy-five years.”

“Just a minute St Peter, what do you mean by three hundred and seventy-five years?” says the lawyer. “I’m only sixty-two!”

“Yes, I know that,” says St Peter, “but up here we go by billing hours.”

Please share the fun:

I hope you found these funny jokes you can tell your colleagues as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh? If so, click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

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So go on, please do it now. I will be ever so grateful.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

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