Silly Christmas Cracker Jokes: 30 that are so bad they’re funny

12/24/2024 by

Dear reader, do you enjoy Christmas cracker jokes?

Those corny jokes and puns you look for, having pulled your Christmas cracker?

Well, I cannot lie; I love them.

So, I have collected 30 of the best ones, which I hope you will find amusing.

Whether Christmas is an occasion you will be celebrating or not, I do hope one or two of these silly jokes will make you smile.

Enjoy them all.

And please feel free to share them.

Christmas cracker jokes (1-15):

  1. What is white and minty? A polo bear!
  2. When is a boat just like snow? When it’s adrift.
  3. What goes Ho, Ho, Ho, thump? Santa laughing his head off.
  4. How do snowmen get around? They ride an icicle!
  5. What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? Rude-olph!
  6. What did Santa say to his wife? It’s going to reindeer!
  7. Why did Santa go to the doctor? Because of his bad elf.
  8. What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsilitis!
  9. What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school? The elf-abet!
  10. What does Miley Cyrus prefer for Christmas dinner? Twerky!
  11. What do you call Santa’s little helpers? Subordinate Clauses!
  12. What is Santa’s favourite place to deliver presents? Idaho-ho-ho!
  13. What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective? Santa Clues!
  14. What did Adam say the day before Christmas? “It’s Christmas, Eve!”
  15. What did Santa do when he went speed dating? He pulled a cracker!

Christmas cracker jokes (16-30):

  1. Why did Santa’s little helper lack confidence? Because he had low elf esteem!
  2. What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus!
  3. What do you call Santa when he forgets to wear his underpants? Saint Knickerless!
  4. Why did the turkey cross the road? Because it was the chicken’s day off!
  5. What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claus-trophobia!
  6. What did Santa say to the smoker? Please don’t smoke, it’s bad for my elf!
  7. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!
  8. Why was the snowman rummaging in a bag of carrots? He was picking his nose.
  9. Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? Because they were two deer!
  10. Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas Party? Because he had nobody to go with!
  11. What do you get when you cross a pine cone and a polar bear? A fur tree!
  12. What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
  13. How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus’ weight when he was born? They had a weigh-in a manger!
  14. What did Mrs Claus say to Santa Claus when she looked up at the sky on the night of Christmas Eve? Looks like rain, dear!
  15. Why did Santa say that sprouts shouldn’t be our vegetable of choice on Christmas Day? All he was sayin’ was give peas a chance!

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So, dear reader, was this post worth a little piece of your time? Did you enjoy reading it? Did any of the Christmas cracker jokes make you smile?

If you enjoyed this article, then please share it with your friends on social media.

People do enjoy groaning at Christmas cracker jokes, so go on, please share this post now.

If you could share this post, then I’d be forever grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

And before I go, allow me to offer my best wishes to everyone who will be celebrating Christmas. I hope your Christmas is filled with the love of family and friends.

And to those for whom December 25th will be just another working day, I hope wherever you are, your life is peaceful, safe, and prosperous, and I hope 2025 proves to be all you’d like it to be.

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40 funny puns and other corny jokes

04/25/2024 by

If you’re looking for some funny puns or corny jokes then I have 40 little gems for you today, dear reader.

They may not all tickle you but I’m confident there’s enough here to put a smile on the face of even the toughest critic.

So, take a few moments, perhaps grab a coffee, and enjoy them all.

And please feel free to share them with your friends.

Funny Puns (1-10):

  1. Yesterday, I got pulled over by a lady cop who asked me to get out of my car. She said, “You’re staggering!” I said, “You’re quite cute too!“
  2. A man was admitted to the hospital today with 10 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum. Doctors have described his condition as stable.
  3. My wife said she’d really like to go to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food right in front of you. So, I took her to Subway, but she didn’t seem to appreciate the experience.
  4. If a can opener doesn’t work properly, is it a can’t opener?
  5. I’ve been writing a pun about the wind, but right now it’s just a draft.
  6. Santa has disowned one of his elves for refusing to accept the elf rules. Does that mean the elf is a rebel without a Claus?
  7. An eight-year-old girl went to the office with her father on ‘Take Your Kid to Work Day‘. As they were walking around the office, the young girl started crying. Her father asked what was wrong. As the staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly: “Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?“
  8. Teacher: Now, children, I want you to come up with a problem where the sum equals four. Little Johnny: I guess we’ll just have to put two and two together.
  9. My aunt is a church official who organizes parishioners’ personal information. Her job title is Nun of Your Business.
  10. My hobby is breeding racing deer, but people just accuse me of trying to make a fast buck.

Funny Puns (11-20):

  1. I said to the Librarian, “Do you have Great Expectations?” She said: “I did but, as you can see, I ended up working in a library“.
  2. The developer of Sherwin-Williams paints nearly froze on an Arctic expedition. He could have used another coat.
  3. What do you call a pig that does martial arts? A karate chop.
  4. My paper airplane won’t fly. It’s just stationery
  5. The batting coach wasn’t helping me perfect my swing, so I quit the team and struck out on my own.
  6. To save on electricity, I decided to wire the electric blanket and the toaster together. Now I keep popping out of bed.
  7. Customer: “This fish is very dry.” Waiter: “Yes sir, naturally, we had to take it out of the water.”
  8. Santa Claus entered the chimney, but the fire was still burning brightly in the hearth. When he came out, he was Krisp Kringle.
  9. I bought a sweater, but I had to return it because it kept picking up static electricity. However, they gave me another one, free of charge.
  10. We are going to see an Elvis impersonator. I called to get tickets and had to press one for the money and two for the show.

Funny Puns (21-30):

  1. I told the chimney sweep that I’d like to do the job on my own. He said: “Soot yourself.”
  2. You can’t have a nose that is 12 inches long, otherwise, it would be a foot.
  3. I have a hunch someday I will need back surgery.
  4. Five ants rented an apartment with another five ants. So, now they’re tenants.
  5. I broke down in my car on the way to a wedding in a remote town. I had to wait about ten minutes before another car appeared and I stopped it and asked for help. The guy said, “Look buddy, I’m a chiropodist, not a mechanic.” To which I replied, “Perhaps you could give me a tow then.”
  6. I must tread carefully now, as you’re probably getting tyred of car jokes. We’ve had a clutch of them recently but now I’m exhausted and it’s time to take a brake.
  7. I saw a homeless man in the city dressed like King Henry the 8th. I thought this was a little odd because surely, beggars can’t be Tudors.
  8. I’ve been told that the man who invented the Ferris Wheel never met the man who invented the Carousel. Apparently, they moved in different circles.
  9. My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with Poker but I think she’s bluffing. And anyway, when the chips are down, she’ll be back.
  10. I grew up in a large family and we always had Octopus for Christmas dinner. At least, everyone got a leg.

Funny Puns (31-40):

  1. I had a job in a factory drilling holes but it was boring. So, I moved to a new job joining steel plates together and it’s riveting.
  2. I got eczema, diarrhoea, gonorrhoea, and haemorrhoids last week. I was really pleased. It was the first time that I’d ever won a game of Scrabble.
  3. At school, the bullies used to hang me up with the coats, until I suggested another kid they should target. It was a bit mean, but it got me off the hook.
  4. My wife looked surprised when I brought home 5 packets of bread dough from the local store. Apparently, we don’t need it.
  5. Apparently, the gap between the rungs on a ladder has increased because people are getting taller. Officially, this is known as climb it change.
  6. The Police phoned and said they’d recovered my stolen sofa. I thought that was nice of them because it had been looking a bit shabby.
  7. I’m walking down Main Street and this guy asks me if could I spare some change. I told him all I had was bills. “Give me one of those!” he said. So, I gave him my electricity bill.
  8. Why does Santa never have to pay for parking? It’s on the house.
  9. The marriage counsellor said that my wife had complained that I never bought her flowers. In my defence, I explained that I didn’t even know that she sold flowers.
  10. My kids said they want a cat for Christmas. We usually have turkey but I’m always willing to try something different.

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Did any of these funny puns or corny jokes make you smile, dear reader? I hope so. If they did, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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5 jokes that will make anyone laugh to raise a smile

02/04/2024 by

Are you looking for some jokes that will make anyone laugh, dear reader? Well, I can offer you five today that might just fit the bill. They’re nothing too naughty, but they might make you smile. I hope so, anyway.

If you do enjoy them, please feel free to share them.

Jokes that will make anyone laugh:

1. First time:

Bernadette was a young, single Catholic girl from Brooklyn. 

One morning, Bernadette went to confession.

She went into the confessional box, knelt down, and spoke quietly.

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” said Bernadette. 

“Go ahead, my child, what is this sin of which you speak?” Father Murphy, the parish priest, responded.

“Father,” said Bernadette, “it’s a little embarrassing.”

“Just take your time, my child,” said Father Murphy to reassure her.

“Well,” said Bernadette, “last night I made love with my boyfriend, Father. I couldn’t help myself. I swear it was the first time, but he was so charming, and he took me to heaven and back, Father. However, I’m not married, so I know it was a sin. I’ve come here now seeking absolution.”

Father Murphy thought momentarily and then said, “My child, I want you to say ten Hail Marys before you leave the church and then go home, fill a glass with vinegar, add two teaspoons full of mustard, stare it up, and then drink it all.”

“Yes, Father,” said Bernadette, a little confused. “And will that absolve me of this terrible sin?”

“No, my child,” Father Murphy responded, “but it will wipe the smile off your face!“

2. A lack of passion:

A retired couple, Rick and Diane, have been married for 30 years, but their marriage is not in a good place, so they go to see a counsellor.

When the counsellor asks what the problem is, Diane immediately bursts into a rant about how terrible everything is, listing every issue she’s ever had in the 30 years they’ve been married. 

It was just an endless list of issues, one after another. She just kept banging on and on about why she was not happy.

The counsellor listened momentarily, and then he got up, went around the desk, embraced Diane and kissed her passionately. 

Diane is stunned into silence and she just shuts up and sits quietly in a complete daze.

The counsellor then turns to Rick and says, “That’s what your wife needs and she needs it three times a week. Can you help her Rick?”

“Well,” says Rick, “I could bring her here on Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays, I play golf.”

3. Sheltered life:

Jim lived in a small town and had led a fairly sheltered life. So he decides it’s time to explore the world a bit. 

He’d heard a lot about the wonders of the Big Apple, so he decided to visit New York City.

He’s wandering around Macy’s browsing when he spots a Thermos flask.

“What’s this?” Jim asks the clerk.

“Well,” said the clerk, “it’s a flask that keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

Now Jim may be a bit of a hayseed but he can see that such a flask could be very useful, so he buys one.

When he returns home, he takes the Thermos flask into the office to show his buddies.

“What is it?” they ask, in unison.

“It’s called a Thermos flask,” says Jim, “and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

“Wow!” says his buddy, Bill, “What have you got in there now?”

“Two cups of coffee and a choc ice,” says Jim.

4. White knuckle ride:

A New York City cab driver is driving down Broadway with a passenger heading for Battery Park.

The cab gets to a red light but the driver just goes straight through it.

The passenger sees what’s happened and shouts, “Hey buddy, be careful! I wanna get to Battery Park in one piece!”

“Hey, don’t worry,” says the cab driver. “My brother does it all the time.”

They get to the next junction, the light’s red, but the cab driver just sails on through again.

The passenger’s not happy. “Hey, buddy,” he shouts, “you’ll get us both killed.”

“My brother does it all the time, I’m telling you,” says the driver.

They get to the next junction and once again the light’s red but the driver doesn’t stop.

“You’ve gotta stop this!” screams the passenger.

“Chill out!” says the driver. “I told you, my brother does it all the time.”

They get to the 34th Street junction, the light’s green but the driver screeches to a halt.

“Hey buddy,” says the passenger, “the light’s green, why did you stop?”

“It’s 34th Street,” says the cab driver. “My brother lives on 34th Street and I’m not sure what time he starts work.”

5. Copying ancient texts:

At the Benedictine Monastery Paul, a novice Catholic monk arrives to prove his suitability for admission to the religious order.

After being given a little time to settle in, Paul’s asked to assist the other monks with copying ancient texts by hand.

Whilst he’s observing the process, Paul notices that the other monks are making their copies from documents which are themselves copies, not the original texts.

So Paul goes to the Abbot to raise his concerns.

“Reverend Father,” says Paul, “It appears the monks are making their copies from copies and not original texts. So if there were any mistakes made in those copies those mistakes will be repeated in the new copies.” 

“Paul,” said the Abbot, “you make an important point. The Benedictine order has been making copies for centuries and the rules by which we live are defined in those ancient texts. I must investigate.”

With that, the Abbot goes down deep into the cellar of the monastery with one of the most recent copies and proceeds to check it very carefully against the original ancient text.

Several days pass and the monks have not seen the Abbot.

Eventually, Paul and the other monks decide that a group of them should go looking for him. So Paul leads a delegation down into the cellar. 

As they’re walking down the ancient steps, they can hear the Abbot sobbing.

When they find him, still sobbing, Paul asks, “Reverend Father, what’s wrong?”

“You idiots!” the Abbot responds. “The word was CELEBRATE!”

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jokes that will make anyone laugh

Did you enjoy these jokes that will make anyone laugh, dear reader? I hope at least some of them made you laugh.

Perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, please click on the links below.

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Thank you.

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6 witty jokes that’ll definitely make you laugh

02/04/2024 by

If you’re looking for some witty jokes that will make you laugh, then I’ve got six good ones here for you to enjoy today. Enjoy them all, and please feel free to pass them on.

Witty Jokes:

1. Rumblings in the night:

Bob was an American businessman on his first trip to London. He was really excited about the trip because he’d been invited to stay in a large stately home by the wealthy aristocratic family with whom he was doing business.

He was shown his room by his host, and he couldn’t help but be seriously impressed. The room was very grand and spacious, with a wonderful view. It also had an enormous wardrobe and a fabulous en-suite bathroom.

After a large evening meal and quite a few drinks with his host, Bob staggered back to his room late, feeling jet-lagged and a little tipsy, and immediately fell on his bed, still in his business suit. He was sound asleep within seconds. 

However, at about 4 a.m., Bob was awakened suddenly by an urgent feeling that an uncontrollable bowel movement was imminent. The intestinal pressure was such that he realised he needed to move fast.

Despite feeling a little disoriented, he jumped off his bed in a flash, but there was no time to switch on the lights. 

He could barely get to the bathroom quickly enough. Struggling to get his trousers down, he burst through the door and probed around with his hands in the dark trying to locate the toilet.

However, his bowels couldn’t contain the pressure any longer, and a foul-smelling intestinal load was dumped uncontrollably on the floor.

His brain struggled to come to terms with his surroundings and what had just happened.  Well, he thought, at least it couldn’t get any worse.

Then he realised that he was standing in the walk-in wardrobe. 

2. Presence of mind:

Jim’s wife accused him of hating all her family and relatives.

“Now, that’s not true,” said Jim.

“Then give me an example of a relative of mine that you actually like,” his wife, Jane, responded.

“Well, for a start, I like your mother-in-law much more than I like mine,” said Jim.  

3. Unintended consequences:

Witty Jokes

Rick’s wealthy father was in such poor health that he had no more than a couple of months to live.

Recognizing that he would soon inherit his father’s fortune, Rick decided it was time for him to find himself a good woman with whom he could enjoy a wealthy lifestyle.

So, one evening, he visited a singles bar, where he immediately spotted a very beautiful woman sitting alone at a table in the corner.

This woman was truly stunning, and Rick couldn’t help being mesmerised by her beauty.

He walked over to her table and said, “Mam, I may not be the best-looking guy in this bar, but within a few months I will inherit a $100 million fortune, as sadly, my wealthy father’s dying.”

The woman was so impressed that she went home with Rick that evening.

Two weeks later, she became Rick’s stepmother.

Moral of the story: You underestimate women at your peril.

4. The ageing mind:

An old man named Bill realised that he needed to use the toilet.

So he got up and walked across the house to the pantry.

He couldn’t remember why he’d gone to the pantry, but he did remember that he needed to go to the toilet.

So he walked back across the house to the bathroom.

As he sat down on the throne, only then did he remember why he’d gone to the pantry.

Toilet paper!

5. How many wives:

Two little boys, Tim and Jerry, were at a wedding when Tim asked Jerry, “How many wives can a man have?”

To which, Jerry responded, “Sixteen!”

 “Sixteen?” Tim asked. “How did you work that out?”

“Well,” said Jerry, “the priest has just said, four better, four worse, four richer and four poorer. So four times four is sixteen.”

6. Lateral thinking:

Four old High School buddies were on a road trip, staying in motels along the way. Naturally, to keep the cost down they’d just book two rooms and then share.

The problem was, no one wanted to share with Bob because they all knew he snored so loudly.

To make it fair, Tom, Dick and Harry agreed that they would take it in turns to spend the night in a room with Bob.

On the first night, Tom shared the room with Bob.

The following morning Tom arrived at breakfast, looking completely shattered.

“What happened to you?” asked Dick.

“Oh, it was awful,” said Tom. “Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up all night and watched him.”

The next night it was Dick’s turn to share with Bob.

The following morning Dick arrived at breakfast looking tired and his eyes were all bloodshot.

“Man, you look shattered,” said Tom. “I’m guessing Bob was making a lot of noise in the night?”

“Jeez,” said Dick, “He was making enough noise to wake the dead. I was awake all night just watching him.”

On the third night, it was Harry’s turn to share with Bob.

Harry was a wily old cowboy and a real man’s man. 

The next morning Harry arrived at breakfast looking bright-eyed, fresh and well-rested. 

“Good morning guys,” said Harry.

Tom and Dick couldn’t believe their eyes.

“How did you manage to sleep?” asked Tom.

“Well,” said Harry, “we got ready for bed, I went and tucked Bob in, then I kissed him goodnight. And he sat up all night watching me.”

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Witty Jokes

If you enjoy witty jokes, dear reader, then I hope some of these made you laugh.

Perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, please click on the links below.

And if you did enjoy this post then please share it with your friends on social media. When you share witty jokes, surely everyone’s a winner?

Your support is truly appreciated.

Thank you.

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40 funny quick jokes you’ll just love

02/03/2024 by
funny-quick-jokes

If you’re looking for some funny quick jokes then take a look at the 40 I’ve put together for you today. I’m confident that you’ll find plenty of laughs here.

Enjoy them all.

And feel free to pass them on.

Funny quick jokes (1-10):

  1. I quit my job making soles for shoes. It was a bit of a treadmill.
  2. Jane and Bill were getting divorced. Naturally, they split the house. Bill got the outside.
  3. Bob’s wife opened the car door for him. He’d have considered it a nice gesture if they’d not been travelling at 70 mph.
  4. If I win the lottery, I promise you that no one around me will be poor. I’ll move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
  5. A Mexican magician said he’d disappear at the count of three. Uno … dos, then poof! He disappeared without a tres.
  6. A male fly notices an attractive female fly lounging on a pile of cow manure. In an attempt to impress her, the male fly said, “Excuse me, beautiful, is that stool taken?”
  7. A woman was up in court for attacking her boyfriend with two guitars. “First offender?” The judge inquired. “No, your honour,” said her counsel, “the first was a Gibson. The second was a Fender.”
  8. I hate it when people’s grammar is so poor that they mix up there, their and they’re. So now I just tell them, weather they like it or not.
  9. What have I learned from studying cows, buffalos, and elephants? Well, for a start, it’s impossible to reduce weight just by eating grass, salads, and walking.
  10. I found something in my wardrobe that I hadn’t worn since graduation. Amazingly, it still fits me. Well, it was only my college scarf, but I like to look for the positives.

Funny quick jokes (11-20):

  1. Are donuts classified as hole food?
  2. Plagiarism is just getting into trouble for something you didn’t do.
  3. When I was young, I was poor. However, after years of hard but honest work, I’m no longer young.
  4. I went for my annual physical, and my physician said, “Don’t eat anything fatty.” I said, “You mean like burgers, bacon, that sort of thing?” To which he responded, “No fatty, don’t eat anything.”
  5. My son came home and said there would be a small get-together at his school tomorrow. “How small?” I asked. “Well,” he responded, “it’s just you, me, and the principal.”
  6. Was it just me, growing up, or did anyone else believe that Hugh Rynal invented the public convenience?
  7. Wife: I have blisters on my hands from that broom. Husband: Why didn’t you just use the car?
  8. I’ve been fired from my job as a masseur. My boss said I rubbed people the wrong way.
  9. I went to see a psychiatrist today, and she told me I had a split personality. Then she charged me $160. So, I gave her $80 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.
  10. If a runner was accidentally shot with a starting pistol, would that be classified as race-related?

Funny quick jokes (21-30):

  1. If you need an ark, then I Noah guy.
  2. How can a door be a door if it’s ajar?
  3. Avoid dangerous cults. Practise safe sects.
  4. Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.
  5. To some people, marriage is a word, to others, it’s a sentence.
  6. I’ve heard that the company that makes yardsticks is not making them any longer.
  7. Did you know that before the crowbar was invented, crows had to drink at home?
  8. If a cow doesn’t produce milk, does that make it a milk dud or an udder failure?
  9. I’m told that it’s not a good idea to play tennis with a cymbal. It makes a terrible racket.
  10. A farmer was milking his best cow and had a good rhythm going when suddenly a fly flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it until suddenly the fly squirted out into the bucket. He then realised that the cow had gone in one ear and out the udder.

Funny quick jokes (31-40):

  1. Where did the Terminator find toilet paper? Aisle B Back.
  2. If I drink holy water with a laxative, would that start a religious movement?
  3. Believe it or not, my friend speaks to his garden. Yes, Jack and the Beans talk.
  4. There’s one thing you can be sure of, laxatives will give you a good run for your money.
  5. Have you heard about the guy who fell into a glass lens-making machine and made a spectacle of himself?
  6. As I was getting ready for bed, she said, “You’re drunk!” So I said, “How do you know?” And she said, “Because you live next door.”
  7. A guy walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees and gives them to him. “Surely that’s too many,” says the guy. “No,” says the clerk. “I’ve given you a freebie.”
  8. I pulled out a nose hair today to see if it hurt. Judging by the reaction of the guy asleep next to me on the bus, it must have been very painful.
  9. I saw a guy stacking shelves at Walmart complaining because the top shelf was broken and he couldn’t keep it up. He told me he had wrecked aisle dysfunction.
  10. The difference in meaning between the words ‘Complete’ and ‘Finished’ can be somewhat unclear. Fortunately at a linguistic conference recently a speaker offered some clarity when he said, “When a man marries the right woman he will be complete. If he marries the wrong woman he will be finished. And should the right woman catch him fooling around with the wrong woman, he will be completely finished.”
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Please share this post with your friends:

I hope you enjoyed these funny quick jokes, dear reader, and I hope at least some of them made you laugh.

Perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, please click on the links below.

And if you did enjoy this post then please share it with your friends on social media. When you share, surely everyone’s a winner?

Your support is truly appreciated.

Thank you.

Affiliate Disclosure: Commission received for purchases made via the link. There is no additional charge to the purchaser. Thank you for your support.

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All Rights Reserved.

Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

9 short jokes anyone can remember

02/01/2024 by

short-jokes-anyone-can-rememberLooking for some short jokes anyone can remember, dear reader? Well, I’ve got 9 little gems here for you today. Enjoy them all.

And please feel free to pass them on.

Short Jokes Anyone Can Remember

1. Eye-catching:

A guy walks into a hotel restaurant, and, as he’s being seated, he notices a very attractive woman at the next table.

Suddenly she sneezes, and, to his surprise, a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket.

It’s flying past the guy but he catches it and politely hands it back to the lady.

“Oh, my goodness,” says the lady, “this is so embarrassing.”

As she’s popping her eye back in place, she gradually regains her composure, and then she says, “I’m so sorry to have disturbed you, but I really appreciate your help. Why don’t you join me, and I’ll buy you dinner to make it up to you?”

The guy nods in agreement and he joins her at her table.

Despite her glass eye, the woman is stunningly attractive and a great conversationalist. The guy is having a wonderful evening and, as they chat, it’s obvious they have a lot in common.

Naturally, he gets her phone number and then says, “Mam, I have to say, you’re the most charming woman I’ve ever met. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No, not really,” the woman replies. “You just happened to catch my eye.”

2. Vacuum cleaner salesman:

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on my door.

He scattered a load of dog muck all over my carpet and then said, “Show me where I can plug in and if this vacuum cleaner doesn’t suck up every last dog dropping right now then I’ll eat the rest.”

I smiled and said, “Well, I hope you’re hungry because my electricity has just been cut off.”

3. Marital problems:

A guy’s sitting at the counter in a Manhattan bar looking miserable and staring into his beer.

“Are you alright buddy?” asks the bartender. “What’s the problem?”

The guy looks up from his drink and says, “Oh, my wife and I got into a fight and she said she wouldn’t be speaking to me for a month.”

In an attempt to be encouraging the bartender says, “Hey, come on now buddy, think positive. At least you’ll get some peace for a while.”

“Yeah, I know,” the guy responds, “but today’s the last day.”

4. The taxi ride:

Three buddies staggered out of a bar late one night, all well and truly sozzled. However, they did manage to hail a taxi and in they all climbed.

The taxi driver could see that they were all absolutely hammered and decided it was a situation he could use to his advantage. So he started the engine, waited a few minutes without moving and then turned it off again.

“Right fellas, we’ve reached our destination,” said the taxi driver. “That’ll be $30.”

The first guy gave him the money.

The second guy said, “Thank you, driver.”

But the third guy slapped the driver across the face.

The taxi driver was shocked and thought perhaps the third guy knew what had happened. Nevertheless, he said, “What the hell was that for, buddy?”

“You were driving like a maniac and you could have killed us,” the third guy responded. “Control your speed next time.”

short-jokes-anyone-can-remember5. Wise woman:

Rick said to his wife, Liz, one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful at the same time.”

“Well, dear husband of mine, allow me to explain,” said Liz. “God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. And then God made me stupid, so I would be attracted to you!”

6. Lost property:

Jim is on his way home, and he’s driving behind an ambulance.

As he’s driving along, he notices a small metal box on the back step of the ambulance.

As the ambulance turns a corner the box suddenly falls off and lands on the side of the road.

Being a public-spirited individual, Jim pulls over and retrieves it.

When Jim opens the box there is a human toe inside packed in ice.

Well, Jim realises that the owner will need this appendage, so he phones the local hospital to explain the situation.

Jim gives them his location and then asks whether they’ll be sending an ambulance to collect it.

“No, there’s no need,” they said. “We’ll just send a toe truck.”

7. Little Johnny Joke:

Little Johnny was standing outside his local shopping mall when he was approached by a man.

“Son, I’m lost,” said the man. “Could you tell me how I get to the Post Office from here?”

“Sure, mister,” said Little Johnny. “Walk down to the end of this road and turn right. Then you’ll see it on your left.”

“Thank you, son,” said the man. “I’m the new minister at the church. If you come along on Sunday, I’ll tell you how you can get to Heaven.”

“How are you going to do that?” asks Little Johnny. “You didn’t even know the way to the Post Office.”

8. Three wishes:

Tom, Dick and Harry are ship-wrecked on a desert island when they stumble upon an old oil lamp.

Tom picks up the lamp and starts rubbing it.

Immediately a genie appears and grants each of them a wish.

Tom immediately says he’d like to be back home in New York.

Poof! Then Tom’s gone and on his way home.

Dick then says his wish is to be back home in New York too.

Poof! Then Dick’s gone and on his way home.

Looking at Harry, the genie says, “So, what’s your wish?”

Harry thinks momentarily and then says, “Jeez, it sure is lonely without my two buddies. I wish they were both back here.”

9. Waiting for the bus:

A woman is having a problem with her wardrobe door in her bedroom. Each time a bus passes her house the door falls off.

She calls a repairman and he arrives to fix it.

The repairman sees that the door has fallen off.

So he puts it back in place and he then says to the woman, “I’ll now step inside the wardrobe and I’ll wait until a bus passes to see exactly what happens. You just close the door on me.”

So she closes the door but, as she does so, her husband arrives home and he’s heard his wife in the bedroom talking with someone.

Naturally, he wants to know what’s going on.

So, he rushes upstairs, storms into the bedroom and opens the wardrobe door. He sees the repairman and says, “OK buddy, what the hell are you doing in there?”

“You might find this hard to believe,” says the repairman, “but I’m waiting for a bus.”

Please share this post with your friends:

If you enjoyed these short jokes anyone can remember, dear reader, and I hope they made you laugh.

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5 brilliant contenders for hilarious joke of the day

12/04/2023 by

HILARIOUS JOKE OF THE DAYIf you’re looking for some brilliant contenders for hilarious joke of the day then I’ve got five little gems for you here today. I’m confident they’ll all make you smile.

So enjoy them all and please feel free to share them with your friends.

Hilarious joke of the day:

1. The Pull-Over:

Jim Murphy is a Texas State trooper patrolling the highway, and he pulls over a car for speeding on Interstate 35, about 15 miles north of Austin.

Officer Murphy approaches the car and asks the driver why he was speeding.

The driver gets out of his car, and he’s very apologetic. 

“I’m sorry, officer,” says the driver, “but I’m a magician and juggler, and I’m late for a show in Temple. If I don’t make it on time, I won’t get paid.”

“Sir, this might be your lucky day,” says Officer Murphy, “because I love to watch juggling. So, if you can demonstrate some impressive juggling skills, then I won’t give you a ticket.”

“Oh, officer,” says the driver, “I can’t do that because my equipment has been sent on ahead and I don’t have anything to juggle.”

“Well,” says Officer Murphy, “I have some flares in the trunk of my car; could you juggle them?”

“Sure!” says the driver.

So Officer Murphy gets five flares from the trunk, lights them all, and hands them to the driver.

The driver then starts to juggle the flares with considerable skill.

While doing so, another car pulls in behind the State trooper’s car. 

A drunken good old boy from Georgetown staggers out of this car, watches the juggling momentarily, and then staggers over to Officer Murphy’s car, opens the rear door, and climbs in. 

Officer Murphy watches him briefly and then goes over to his car and asks this guy what he thinks he’s doing.

“You might as well haul my butt off to the jail officer,” says the drunk. “There’s no way I can pass that test right now.”

2. Grumpy old man:

Dick and Doris are on a road trip on Interstate 5 from Sacramento to Albany, California.

They stop at a roadside diner for lunch.

After finishing their lunch, they leave the diner and continue on their journey to Albany. 

As they leave the diner, Doris forgetfully leaves her spectacles on the table. 

They’re driving along for about 45 minutes before Doris suddenly realises that she’s left her spectacles behind.

“Dick!” Doris exclaims, “I left my spectacles on the table in the diner. I can’t be without them. We’ll have to go back.”

Dick is really not happy about this, particularly as it’s another 20 minutes before they reach a junction where they can turn around and head back to the diner.

“Doris,” said Dick, “I can never rely on you to get anything right, can I? We’ve added two hours to our journey just because you couldn’t remember your spectacles.”

For the entire journey back to the diner, Dick bitched and moaned in stereotypical grumpy old man fashion, blaming poor Doris for everything that was wrong in the world.

The more Dick chided her, the angrier he got, and he didn’t let up for a single minute until eventually they reached the diner.

As Doris got out of the car, she said, “I’ll be very quick, Dick; just bear with me for one minute.”

Responding grumpily, Dick said, “Well, while you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card I left behind.”

3. The Pope visits Liverpool:

The Pope’s on a visit to Liverpool and he’s handing out miracles to kids in a poor neighbourhood.

A young teenager named Jack walks up to him and says, “Holy Father, could you help me with my hearing?”

The Pope says, “Yes, of course, my son.” He then puts his hands on Jack’s ears and starts praying.

After a few moments, the Pope removes his hands from Jack’s ears and says, “How’s your hearing now, my son?”

“I don’t know, Holy Father,” says Jack. “I’m not up in court until Thursday.”

4. The elevator ride:

An old lady gets into an elevator on the ground floor of the Empire State Building in Manhattan.

On the very next floor, a young, well-dressed, and beautiful woman gets into the elevator smelling of very expensive perfume.

The young woman smiles at the old lady and notices she’s sniffing at the fragrance in the air. So the young woman says, a little arrogantly, “Do you like it? It’s Dolce & Gabbana Dolce Eau de Parfum Spray, and it’s $122.00 a bottle.”

The old lady returns her smile but says nothing.

A couple of floors further up, the elevator stops again, and in comes another beautiful young woman, once again smelling of expensive perfume.

As the old lady is once again sniffing at the fragrance in the air, this young woman smiles and says, “Do you like it? It’s Atelier Bloem Nieuw Amsterdam Eau de Parfum, and it’s $195.00 a bottle.”

Once again, the old lady returns her smile but says nothing.

Ten floors further up, the old lady is about to reach her destination when she can’t stop herself from dropping an ass blast loudly, and there’s the most terrible smell.

As she’s leaving the elevator and noticing the look on their faces, the old lady smiles at her two fellow passengers and says, “Do you like it? Broccoli. 48 cents a pound.”

5. The cab driver and the nun:

A cab driver picks up a nun on Central Park West.

The cab driver can’t help staring at his passenger.

“Why are you staring at me?” asked the nun.

“Well, Sister,” says the cab driver, “I’ve always had this fantasy to kiss a nun.”

The nun smiles at him and says, ”I can only kiss you if you’re single and Catholic.”

“That’s lucky,” says the cab driver. “I’m both!”

So they agree to pull over into an alley, and the nun proceeds to kiss the driver in a way that would make a lady of the night blush.

As they continue on their journey, the cab driver starts feeling guilty.

“Sister,” says the cab driver, “I have a confession to make.”

“And what would that be?” asks the nun.

“I lied to you,” says the cab driver. “I’m married, and I’m Jewish.”

“That’s OK,” says the nun. “My name’s Keith, and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”

Please share this post with your friends:

HILARIOUS JOKE OF THE DAYSo, dear reader, would any of these contenders be your hilarious joke of the day? Certainly, I hope they all made you laugh.

Perhaps you’d like some more laughs?

If so, please click on the links below.

And if you did enjoy this post, then please share it with your friends on social media.

When you share funny jokes, everyone’s a winner.

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23 witty short jokes to tickle you and brighten your day

12/01/2023 by

WITTY SHORT JOKESIf you’re looking for some witty short jokes to make you smile, then here are 23 that I hope will brighten your day.

There’s nothing like a good laugh to make the day feel brighter. Well, I think so, anyway.

So, enjoy the fun, and then please pass them on.

Witty Short Jokes:

  1. I saw a robbery in an Apple Store. Does that make me an iWitness?
  2. Q: Does February like March? A: No, but April May
  3. I have a fear of long distances, so I go to great lengths to avoid them.
  4. Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: Ground beef.
  5. If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
  6. Q: What did the snowman say to the customer? A: Have an ice day!
  7. Milk is the fastest liquid on earth. It’s pasteurized before you even see it!
  8. Q: Why do seals swim in saltwater? A: Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
  9. I had a fear of speed bumps but I slowly got over it
  10. Q: When does a duck wake up? A: At the quack of dawn.
  11. My girlfriend left me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I don’t have any.
  12. Q: How does an Elephant get out of a tree? A: It sits on a leaf and waits till the Fall.
  13. I don’t normally tell Dad jokes, but when I do, he always laughs.
  14. Q: Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A: A convict.
  15. I went to my doctor to see why I had such an excessive fear of snakes. He said I have a reptile dysfunction.
  16. Q: What do you call a reindeer with no eyes? A: No eye deer.
  17. A girl in the office asked me if I had a date for Valentine’s Day. I told her it’s always February 14th, as far as I know.
  18. Q: What vegetable was forbidden on the ships of Arctic explorers? A: Leeks!
  19. An old man is struck by a car and brought to the hospital. A nurse enters his room and says, “Sir, are you comfortable?” The old man replies, “I make a nice living.”
  20. Q: What do you give to a pumpkin who’s trying to quit smoking? A: A pumpkin patch!
  21. I have a fear of overly designed buildings. It’s a complex complex complex.
  22. Q: What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? A: Snowballs!
  23. I saw a math book and a dictionary on a date last night. They looked like they had good chemistry!

Please share this post with your friends:

WITTY SHORT JOKESSo, dear reader, did you find these witty short jokes as amusing as you’d hoped? Certainly, I hope they all made you laugh.

Perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, please click on the links below.

And if you did enjoy this post then please share it with your friends on social media. When you share witty jokes, surely everyone’s a winner?

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7 short story jokes guaranteed to make you laugh

09/13/2023 by

SHORT STORY JOKESDo you like short story jokes? Those little yarns that go on for a while, only for the punchline to pop out of leftfield.  Today I have seven little gems which I hope will make you laugh.

Enjoy them all and please, feel free to pass them on.

Short story jokes:

1. The Dead Duck

A woman brings a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon.

As she lays her beloved pet duck on the table, the vet puts his stethoscope on the bird’s chest and listens carefully.

A moment later the vet shakes his head and says sadly, “I’m really sorry mam, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.“

The woman becomes quite distressed and begins to cry.

“Are you sure?” she says with tears flooding from her eyes.

“Yes mam, I am sure” the vet responds. “Your duck is definitely dead.“

“But how can you be so sure?” the woman protests. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything have you? Perhaps he’s just stunned or in a coma or something.”

The vet rolls his eyes, then turns around and leaves the room.

A few minutes later he returns with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck’s owner looks on in amazement, the Labrador stands on his hind legs, puts his front paws on the examination table and sniffs around the duck from top to bottom. He then looks up at the vet with sad eyes and shakes his head.

The vet pats the dog on the head and takes it out of the room.

A few minutes later the vet returns with a cat. The cat jumps on the table and delicately sniffs at the bird from its head to its feet. After a moment the cat looks up, shakes its head, meows softly and strolls out of the room.

The vet looks at the woman and says, “Look mam I’m really sorry, but as I said before, this is most definitely a duck that is no longer of this world. Your duck is dead.“

The vet then turns to his computer terminal, hits a few keys and produces a bill, which he hands to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, looks at the bill and sees it is $150.

“$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” she shrieks with incredulity

The vet shrugs his shoulders and says, “I’m sorry mam. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. However, with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.“

2. Never underestimate an old man

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.

Right at the back of the farm, there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer decides to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn’t been down there for a while.

Before setting off, he grabs a five-gallon bucket as he decides he’ll bring back some fruit.

As he nears the pond, he can hear voices shouting and laughing with glee. Clearly, someone is having a good time.

As the farmer gets closer, he can see a bunch of young women who are clearly skinny-dipping in his pond.

He makes the women aware of his presence and immediately they all swim over to the far end.

One of the women then shouts, “We’re not coming out until you leave mister!“

The farmer replies, “Ladies, I didn’t come down here to watch you swim naked or make you get out of the pond. You carry on.“

The wily old-timer then holds up his bucket and says, “I just came down here to feed the alligators!“

Moral of the story: Never underestimate an old man.

3. Divine intervention:

For a weekend break, three old college buddies go down to Tijuana, Mexico to enjoy a reunion.

Well, they hadn’t seen each other for quite a few years so the stories were long, the laughs were loud and the booze really did flow that night.

They had such a good time, that they all woke up the following morning and found themselves in jail.

None of them could remember anything. However, within a couple of hours, they’re all sentenced to be executed the following day.

The following morning they’re all escorted to death row, where Bill, the first of the group is strapped into the electric chair. Then Bill is asked if he’d like to say any words.

“Sure,” Bill responds. “I’m from the Catholic University of America and I believe in the power of almighty God. I am innocent and God will intervene.”

The executioner throws the switch but nothing happens.

Well, the prison staff can’t believe this turn of events. They beg Bill’s forgiveness and release him.

Next up for the chair is Gary. He’s strapped in and once again he’s offered the opportunity to say something.

“Well, I’m from Harvard Law School,” says Gary, “and I believe that the power of natural justice will intervene because I’m innocent.”

Once again, the executioner throws the switch but nothing happens.

Again the prison staff can’t believe this turn of events. They beg Gary’s forgiveness and release him.

Finally, Mike’s strapped into the chair and once again he’s offered the opportunity to say something.

“Well,” says Mike. “I have a PhD in Electrical Engineering from Massachusetts Institute of Technology and I can tell you now, you won’t be executing anyone if you don’t plug this thing in.”

4. It’s only Rock & Roll:

Mary, an attractive lady of 85, was marrying for the fourth time.

Naturally, this was a human-interest story and the local newspaper decided to send a reporter to interview Mary.

The reporter sat with Mary and asked, “Could you tell me about your husbands and how they earned their living?”

Mary smiled and said, “Well, my first husband was a banker, then I married a circus ringmaster, next was a preacher and now at 85, I’m marrying a funeral director.”

“Wow,” said the reporter, they’ve all had such diverse careers.”

“Yes,” said Mary, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go.“

5. Helping the unfortunate:

For the first time in decades, Giuseppe, an old Italian farmer decided it was time for him to go to confession to seek absolution for his sins.

So, he went to the Roman Catholic church in his village and entered the confessional box.

He knelt and said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

The priest replied quietly, “What is this sin of which you speak, my son?”

“Father,” Giuseppe continued, “during the Second World War a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy, so I hid her in my loft.”

“Well,” said the priest, “it was wartime, a fellow human being was in trouble and in need of shelter, and you helped. Surely, that’s a noble act?”

“But father,” Giuseppe continued, “it’s worse than you might think.”

“In what way?” asked the priest.

“She repaid me with sexual favours,” said Giuseppe, somewhat embarrassed.

“In wartime,” the priest responded, “people act in ways they wouldn’t do in peacetime. If you’re truly sorry for your actions, then you’re forgiven.”

“Thank you,” said Giuseppe, “that’s a great weight off my mind. But Father, may I ask you a question?”

“Yes, of course,” the priest responded.

Giuseppe paused momentarily, and then said, “Should I tell her that the war is over?”

6. Jack the cowboy

SHORT STORY JOKESJack is a cowboy working on a large ranch in a remote pasture in Wyoming.

One day as he’s overseeing the livestock on the ranch a brand-new 7 Series BMW suddenly advances toward him creating an enormous cloud of dust in the process

The car stops and the driver is a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie. He steps out of the car and says to the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?“

Jack looks at the man, who’s obviously a yuppie, he then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and responds calmly, “Sure, why not?“

The yuppie then whips out a very impressive iPhone Pro smartphone from his jacket pocket and begins to surf the NASA website. Simultaneously he uses the GPS satellite to get the exact coordinates of his location. He then feeds that back to Google Earth to capture a high-resolution image of this location.

The young man then opens the digital image in Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Langley, Virginia.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his iPhone Pro to confirm that the image has been processed and the data captured and stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC-connected Excel spreadsheet and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he uses an AirPrint printer located in his car to print out a full-color, 150-page report. He then turns to Jack, hands him the report and says, “Sir, you’ll see from the Executive Summary that you have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.“

“That’s right,” says Jack. “I guess you can take one of my calves.“

Jack then watches with amusement as the young man struggles to get the animal into the trunk of his car.

After a minute or two, Jack says to the guy, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my calf back?“

The young man thinks for a second and then he says, “Sure, why not?”

“You’re a Congressman for the US Government“, says Jack.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?“

“No guessing required son,” Jack responded. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want paying for an answer I already know; to a question, I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how smart you are; and you don’t know a thing about how ordinary, working people make a living, or about cows for that matter. If you did you’d know that this herd is actually a flock of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”

7. The old Native American and a $500 loan 

SHORT STORY JOKESAn old Native American man has a need to borrow $500, so he goes to his local bank and asks to speak with the Loans Officer.

The banker welcomes him and then says a loan application form must be completed. So he takes a loan application form from his desk drawer and begins to question the old man.

“So, what are you going to do with the money?” he asks the man.

“Buy silver, make jewellery, then sell it,” the man responded.

“And what have you got for collateral?” asked the banker.

“Don’t know collateral,” replied the old man

“Well that’s something of value that you provide us with to cover the cost of the loan if you fail to repay,” said the banker. “For instance, have you got any vehicles?“

“Yes. 1979 Chevy pickup,” replied the old man

The banker shook his head, “No that won’t do, I’m afraid. How about livestock?“

“Yes, I have a horse,” replied the old man.

“How old is it?” the banker enquired.

“Don’t know, has no teeth,” replies the old man.

The conversation went on like this for a while but eventually, the banker decided to grant the $500 loan to the old man.

Several weeks later the old man returns to the bank.

He pulls out a large roll of $100 bills from his pocket, “Here to pay,” he says.

He then hands the banker $500 in $100 bills to repay his loan.

“Business has been good I can see,” says the banker. “What are you going to do with the rest of that money?“

“Keep it close to me,” the old man responded.

“Why don’t you just deposit it in my bank,” the banker enquired.

“Don’t know deposit,” replied the old man

“Well, you just put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. Whenever you want to use it, you can withdraw it,” the banker responded.

The old Native American man leans across the desk, looks the banker in the eye and asks, “What you got for collateral?“

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SHORT STORY JOKESSo did these short story jokes prove to be as funny as you’d hoped read reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share this post with your friends on social media.

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5 entertaining jokes guaranteed to make you laugh

08/17/2023 by

ENTERTAINING JOKESIf you’re looking for some entertaining jokes then here are five that should make you smile.

They all tickled me and I’m confident that you too will enjoy them, dear reader. I hope so anyway.

So, take a moment to have a laugh and then please feel free to pass them on.

Entertaining jokes:

1. Challenging times:

A pirate walks into a bar in Bermuda.

He walks up to the counter and the bartender says, “Hello matey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

“What do you mean?” says the pirate. “I feel fine.”

“Well, you didn’t have that wooden leg last time I saw you,” says the bartender.

“Oh, that,” responds the pirate. “We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannonball but I’m fine now.”

“Really?” says the bartender. “What about the hook? What happened to your hand?”

“Well, we were in another battle and my hand got chopped off in a sword fight,” says the pirate. “However I got fitted with the hook and I’m fine now.”

“Seriously?” says the bartender. “But what about the eye patch?”

“Look, it’s nothing,” says the pirate. “One day we’re at sea and a flock of seagulls flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye.”

“You’ve got to be joking,” says the bartender. “You lost your eye just from seagull poop?”

“It was my first day with the hook,” says the pirate.

2. Priorities:

Two businessmen, Jim and George, are playing golf.

They’re on the seventh tee and Jim is just about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the perimeter fence.

Jim immediately aborts his swing, takes off his hat, holds it to his chest, closes his eyes and bows his head in solemn contemplation.

When the funeral cortége has passed, George says, “That’s the most touching moment I’ve ever seen Jim. Clearly, you’re a man who’s willing to show his feelings.”

Jim quickly recovers his composure, smiles and then says, “Well, I was married to her for 35 years.”

3. Guilty:

Little Jane arrived home from school and said to her mom, “Mom, today in school I was punished for something I didn’t do.”

“That’s not right,” said her mom. “I’m going to speak to your teacher about this. What was it you didn’t do?”

Looking a little embarrassed little Jane replied, “My homework.”

4. Magician’s son:

On the first day of the new academic year, the school secretary was filling out forms relating to each student’s personal details.

“What’s your father’s occupation?” she asked little Johnny.

“He’s a magician, mam,” Johnny replied.

“A magician! Wow, that’s interesting,” the secretary said in response. “What’s his favourite trick?”

“He saws people in half,” said Johnny.

“Really? That’s amazing!” said the secretary. “Right, last question. Any brothers or sisters?”

“Yes, mam,” Johnny responded. “I have two half-sisters.”

5. Tricky decision:

His Holiness the Pope, head of the Catholic Church, is visiting New York City.

Naturally, there’s a limousine waiting for him as he arrives at JFK.

After getting the Pope’s luggage loaded into the limo, the chauffeur realises that the pontiff is still standing on the sidewalk.

“Oh, I’m so sorry your holiness,” says the chauffeur, “I was so busy, I didn’t realise you were still standing there. Please take your seat in the car and we’ll leave momentarily.”

“My son, if truth be told, it’s always been my ambition to drive in New York City,” says the Pope. “They never let me drive in Rome. Would it be possible for me to drive today? Just into the city? You’d be making an old man very happy.”

“Your Holiness, I couldn’t do that. I’d lose my job!” the chauffeur responds.

“Who’s going to know?” the Pope asks with a smile. “I won’t tell if you don’t.”

Reluctant though he was, eventually the chauffeur allows himself to be persuaded.

So with a beaming smile, the Pope climbs into the driver’s seat and the chauffeur takes a seat in the back of the car.

For once he’s as free as a bird, so the pontiff decides to make the most of the experience. He presses the pedal hard to the metal, the limo takes off and they hit the freeway doing 120 mph.

“Your holiness,” pleads the chauffeur, “you’ll get a ticket if you don’t slow down.”

Well, his holiness wasn’t listening. They’re really moving at high speed when suddenly they hear the sound of a police car siren.

“Oh, holy mother of Jesus,” says the worried chauffeur. “I’m definitely going to lose my job now.”

Naturally, the Pope has no choice but to pull over.

His holiness rolls down his window as police officer Mackenzie approaches the limo.

Officer Mackenzie just takes one look at the man in the driver’s seat and he turns and goes straight back to his car and gets on to the police radio.

“I need to talk to the Chief of Police now,” police officer Mackenzie says to the dispatcher.

After a few minutes, The Chief of Police is on the radio and police officer Mackenzie tells him that he’s stopped a limo doing 120 mph on the freeway.

“So what’s the problem? Just bust his ass!” says the Chief.

“Sir, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” police officer Mackenzie responds. “There’s someone really important in the car.”

“So? That’s all the more reason to bust him,” exclaims the Police Chief.

“No sir, I mean someone who’s really, really important,” says police officer Mackenzie.

“So, who’s in the car?” asks the Chief. “Is it the Mayor?”

“No sir. Much bigger,” says police officer Mackenzie.

“You mean a Senator?” asks the Chief.

“No sir. Much bigger,” says police officer Mackenzie.

“You mean the President?” exclaims the Chief.

“No sir. Even bigger,” says police officer Mackenzie.

“Bigger than the President?” exclaims the Chief. “Well, who the hell is it?“

“Sir, I think it’s God,” police officer Mackenzie responds.

“GOD!” exclaims the Chief. “What makes you think it’s God?“

“Because his chauffeur’s the Pope!” says police officer Mackenzie.

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