7 inspirational quotes about people


Today I offer you some quotes about people.

Love them or hate them we can’t live without them, can we? That’s because as human beings we’re social animals. We’re not solitary animals like cats. We live in communities and we need other people in our lives because we depend on each other.

So value the people in your life. Don’t neglect them; make time for them. Life is short and if you ever get really sick or infirm you will need them. Your career is all very well but it won’t take care of you in difficult times, your friends and family will.

Work is important of course but people are more important. So get the balance right because life goes by all too quickly and if people think you have no interest in them, one day you will find that they no longer have any interest in you.

Value your family and friends and make time to enjoy their company. If you have good family and friends you are wealthy indeed. Life is very special when you have other people. If you don’t believe me try loneliness. You’ll soon realise how much you enjoy the company of other people, regardless of how much they might drive you nuts on occasions.

Here are seven inspirational quotes about people to reinforce my point.

Today’s Quotes:

  1. Goodness is about character – integrity, honesty, kindness, generosity, moral courage and the like. More than anything else, it is about how we treat other people. ~Dennis Prager
  2. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. ~Maya Angelou
  3. Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. ~Marcel Proust
  4. People may hear your words but they feel your attitude. ~John C. Maxwell
  5. The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best. ~Epictetus
  6. I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone. ~Robin Williams
  7. Stay positive and happy. Work hard and don’t give up hope. Be open to criticism and keep learning. Surround yourself with happy, warm and genuine people. ~Tena Desae

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15 Quotes by William Shakespeare

There can be few people who are unfamiliar with the name William Shakespeare. He was of course a playwright and one of the giants of English literature. The Bard of Avon, as he was known, is widely regarded as the world’s pre-eminent dramatist and the greatest writer in the English language. His works, including collaborations, consist of approximately 39 plays, 154 sonnets, two long narrative poems, and a few other verses, some of uncertain authorship.

William Shakespeare’s plays have been translated into every major living language, and they are performed more often than those of any other playwright.

Quotes by William Shakespeare are well known and most readers will be familiar with them. However I make no apology for making Shakespeare’s quotes the subject of today’s post.

If you hear a great song that inspires you, you don’t say, “Right, heard it once. That’s enough!” No, you listen to it over and over again. In that way you’re inspired constantly. And so it is with thought-provoking quotes like those of Shakespeare. They are worth reading over and over again to help you reflect on life’s meaning and to be inspired.

So here are 15 quotes by William Shakespeare to inspire you dear reader.

Today’s Quotes:

  1. To thine own self be true. ~William Shakespeare
  2. All that glisters is not gold. ~William Shakespeare
  3. Nothing will come of nothing. ~William Shakespeare
  4. Lord, what fools these mortals be! ~William Shakespeare
  5. If music be the food of love play on. ~William Shakespeare
  6. The better part of valor is discretion. ~William Shakespeare
  7. Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown. ~William Shakespeare
  8. The course of true love never did run smooth. ~William Shakespeare
  9. We know what we are, but know not what we may be. ~William Shakespeare
  10. How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child! ~William Shakespeare
  11. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. ~William Shakespeare
  12. Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once. ~William Shakespeare
  13. If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? ~William Shakespeare
  14. The evil that men do lives after them; the good is oft interred with their bones. ~William Shakespeare
  15. All the world‘s a stage, and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts. ~William Shakespeare

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5 short jokes that will have you rolling on the floor laughing

1. The Brown Bear

Two friends, Bill and George were out hiking in the Katmai National Park in Alaska when suddenly they see a brown bear ambling along in their direction.

Bill immediately takes out a pair of running shoes from his backpack and then sits down to replace his heavy hiking books with his Nikes.

George is puzzled by Bill’s actions, so naturally he asks, “Bill why are you putting on your running shoes right now?

George you don’t seriously think I’m going to hang around until we’re spotted by that bear, do you?” Bill responds.

Bill, don’t be ridiculous,” said George “you’ll never outrun a brown bear.

I don’t have to outrun the bear,” Bill responded “I only have to outrun you!

With that Bill disappeared into the distance shouting back as he went, “Good luck with that bear George.

Moral of the Story: When it’s you or the other guy, make sure it’s not you.

2. The Efficiency Expert

I took my wife to a fancy restaurant in Manhattan called The Lemon Tree.

As the waiter was taking our order I noticed he had a spoon in his shirt pocket. This seemed a little strange but initially I ignored it.

However when the busboy brought our water and utensils, I couldn’t help noticing that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

And then as I gazed around the restaurant I could see that all the staff had spoons in their shirt pockets.

So when the waiter came back to serve the soup naturally I enquired, “Why is every member of staff here carrying a spoon?

Well,” said the waiter, “the restaurant’s owner hired consultants from McKinsey to improve our processes. After several weeks of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. They calculated that there was a drop frequency of approximately three spoons per table per hour.

Are you serious?” I felt compelled to ask.

Yes sir!” said the waiter. “They concluded that if our people are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.

As luck would have it at this point I managed to drop my spoon and he replaced it with the spare from his pocket immediately.

He then explained, “I’ll simply get another spoon when I next go to the kitchen, rather than making a special trip there right now.

Such efficiency was impressive.

I then noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.

Looking around, I could see that all of the other waiters had the same string hanging from their flies too.

Puzzled by this I asked the waiter, “Why do you all have string hanging from the fly in your trousers?

Oh!” he said, lowering his voice, “The McKinsey consultants concluded that this will help us save time when we have to visit the restroom during a shift.

How so?” I enquired.

Well,” he said, “by tying this string to the tip of our ‘you-know-what’, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands. This shortens the time spent in the restroom by 39% they think.

Wow!” I said. “But how do you put it back in your trousers once you’ve finished?

Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.

3. The Counterfeiters

A couple of small time counterfeiters, Jack and Earl had managed to get hold of a small stock of the actual paper used for printing American currency. This was a genuine stroke of luck and they intended to make the most of it. So they set about printing some twenty dollar bills.

However they’d been drinking heavily beforehand and their attention to the job wasn’t all that it should have been. Nevertheless they printed off their counterfeit currency and then staggered off to bed.

The following morning when they’d sobered up they looked at their previous night’s work and suddenly realized they’d printed $18 dollar bills by mistake.

Oh, no!” said Jack. “We’ve used all the paper, so we can’t print them off again, can we?

No problem,” said Earl. “All we need to do is find some little hick town in the hills somewhere and go into a store and ask some inbred to change them for lower denomination notes.

Do you think that will work?” said Jack.

Sure!” said Earl “And I know just the place.

So Jack and Earl got in their car with all the counterfeit currency and headed for a little hick town in NowheresVille.

Eventually they came to a tiny little town deep in the hills which had just one single store. So they stopped and entered the store.

Jack handed one of the counterfeit $18 bills to the guy behind the counter and politely asked, “Hey buddy, would you mind changing this for some lower denomination notes please? If you could, that would be appreciated.

The clerk looked at the $18 bill, smiled and said, “Sure, no problem. What’s your preference, two nines or three sixes?

4. The Thoughtful Husband

Sometime after Stephen had died his widow, Alice was finally able to speak about what a wonderful and thoughtful man her late husband had been.

Stephen thought of everything“, she told her friend Mabel. “You know, just before he died, Stephen called me to his bedside and he handed me three envelopes.

Really?” said Mabel. “And what did he say?

He said, Alice I have put my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I’ve instructed. Then I can rest in peace,” Alice responded.

So, what was in the envelopes?” Mabel enquired.

In the first envelope there was $5,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this money to buy a nice casket’. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such thick padding in the lining that I know Stephen is resting very comfortably.” Alice responded.

Really?” said Mabel.

Yes” said Alice, “And in the second envelope there was $10,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this for a nice funeral’. I arranged a very dignified funeral for Stephen, attended by all his friends and family.

So what was in the third envelope?” asked Mabel.

The third envelope contained $50,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this to buy a suitable stone so I’m remembered’.” Alice responded.

At this point, she held up her hand to Mabel and pointed to the ten carat diamond ring on her finger.

So Mabel,” said Alice, “do you like the stone?

5. The Hearing Test

Bill was concerned about his elderly wife’s hearing. So he decided to test it without telling her.

He went to the corner of the room about 15 feet away from her and said, “Honey can you hear me?

There was no response.

So he went about 5 feet away from his wife and again said, “Honey can you hear me?

Still he got no response.

So he leaned over the back of her chair and raised his voice, shouting in her ear, “HONEY CAN YOU HEAR ME?”

His wife put down her newspaper and turned towards him saying, “Bill, I said ‘Yes’ three times already!

Moral of the Story: Don’t assume someone else is the source of a problem. It could be you who’s the problem.

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7 inspirational quotes about courage

Courage is not the absence of fear. It is the mastery of fear. Fear is just a natural instinct which serves to protect us. It makes us tread carefully in circumstances which otherwise could be hazardous and even dangerous. Courage is the strength to rise above that which we fear and to remain in control of our natural instincts.

Courage is having the mental strength to feel the fear and then do it anyway. Courage is not allowing our natural instincts prevent us from doing what is right.

With every experience we grow stronger and our confidence increases. If we can overcome one challenge then we can overcome another. So believe in your own ability and have courage.

Here are seven inspirational quotes about courage to help you reflect on what it means and why it’s important.

Today’s Quotes:

  1. He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life. ~Muhammad Ali
  2. Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. ~Steve Jobs
  3. I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear. ~Nelson Mandela
  4. Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen. ~Winston Churchill
  5. Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go. ~TS Eliot
  6. Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway. ~John Wayne
  7. All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them. ~Walt Disney

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7 inspirational quotes about money

There are people who will tell you that money is not important but, after oxygen, there are few things more important to life in the modern age. So it’s essential that we take good care of our money and use it wisely.

That’s not to say we should be mean or stingy. Quite the contrary; being generous when it’s appropriate is very important. However we should not waste money or fritter it away on things we don’t need and/or will never use.

Enjoy your money when you have it but always put a little away for a rainy day because one day it will rain, of that you can be absolutely sure.

Build capital over time and one day that capital will generate an income for you.

Money can make your life easier but on its own it will not make you happy. Happiness comes from within and if you’re not happy without money then having some money is unlikely to improve that situation.

Never chase money for its own sake. The personal cost of being overly acquisitive is likely to be very high indeed. Make sure you have some balance in your life; then do what you love; do it well and the money will follow. And never forget this; money is important but the people in your life are far more important.

Here are seven inspirational quotes about money to help you reflect on what it really means.

Today’s Quotes:

  1. Anybody who thinks money will make you happy hasn’t got money. ~David Geffen
  2. When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is. ~Oscar Wilde
  3. A wise man should have money in his head but not in his heart. ~Jonathan Swift
  4. Money is only a tool. It will take you wherever you wish but it will not replace you as the driver. ~Ayn Rand
  5. Bottom line is, I didn’t return to Apple to make a fortune. I’ve been very lucky in my life and already have one. When I was 25, my net worth was $100 million or so. I decided then that I wasn’t going to let it ruin my life. There’s no way you could ever spend it all, and I don’t view wealth as something that validates my intelligence. ~Steve Jobs
  6. There are people who have money and people who are rich. ~Coco Chanel
  7. Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail. ~Kinky Friedman

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7 inspirational quotes about age

Many of us spend far too much of our time fretting about our advancing years. However, should we really? Age is just a number surely? Well, maybe! Then again, each birthday reminds us that time is passing.

On the other hand, as we get older we gradually become more comfortable being the people we are. We worry less about what others think and we concentrate more on simply being ourselves and enjoying life as best we can.

For me the most important thing is that we make the most of our lives. I regard age as simply being a state of mind. Only when I lose interest in everything new will I truly regard myself as old.

As long as I am still keen to learn, experience new things, set myself new goals and rise to new challenges then I will never be old.

However think old and you are old. So choose to think young, constantly learn and test yourself. That will keep you young at heart. And forget the number, just focus on enjoying the moment.

Here are seven inspirational quotes about age to help you put it all in perspective.

Today’s Quotes:

  1. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. ~Mark Twain
  2. Do not go gentle into that good night but rage, rage against the dying of the light. ~Dylan Thomas
  3. Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young. ~Henry Ford
  4. Probably the happiest period in life most frequently is in middle age, when the eager passions of youth are cooled, and the infirmities of age not yet begun; as we see that the shadows, which are at morning and evening so large, almost entirely disappear at midday. ~Eleanor Roosevelt
  5. There is a fountain of youth: it is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of people you love. When you learn to tap this source, you will truly have defeated age. ~Sophia Loren
  6. Youth is the gift of nature, but age is a work of art. ~Stanislaw Jerzy Lec
  7. You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old. ~George Burns

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15 Quotes by Dr Seuss

Theodor Seuss Geisel, better known by his pen name Doctor Seuss, was an American author, political cartoonist, poet, animator, book publisher, and artist, famous for authoring more than 60 children’s books. Through his work, he left the world his indelible spirit imprinted on the pages of his many famous books. His wisdom and humor remains timeless and it is beloved by children all over the world. Dr Seuss’s work is unlikely to be forgotten and it’ll continue to capture readers’ imagination for generations to come. Here are 15 quotes by Dr Seuss that are an inspiration for everyone.

Today’s Quotes:

  1. Only you can control your future. ~Dr Seuss
  2. Take every chance. Drop every fear. ~Dr Seuss
  3. A person’s a person, no matter how small. ~Dr Seuss
  4. Why fit in when you were born to stand out? ~Dr Seuss
  5. You’ll miss the best things if you keep your eyes shut. ~Dr Seuss
  6. If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good. ~Dr Seuss
  7. It’s not about what it is; it’s about what it can become. ~Dr Seuss
  8. Today I shall behave, as if this is the day I will be remembered. ~Dr Seuss
  9. To the world you may be one person; but to one person you may be the world. ~Dr Seuss
  10. With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down any not-so-good street. ~Dr Seuss
  11. Sometimes you’ll never know the value of a moment, until it becomes a memory. ~Dr Seuss
  12. Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not. ~Dr Seuss
  13. You’re off to great places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting, so get on your way! ~Dr Seuss
  14. You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go. ~Dr Seuss
  15. Life’s too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forgive the ones who don’t and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it’d be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. ~Dr Seuss

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Another 5 short story jokes guaranteed to make you laugh

1. The Deaf Man

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses subject to their protection racket.

As they were feeling the heat from the Police, they decided to use someone deaf for the job. If someone deaf gets caught, they figured that he wouldn’t be able to communicate with the Police.

In his first week on the job the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. That’s a lot of money he thinks and the deaf collector’s greed gets the better of him. He decides to keep the money and he stashes it in a safe place.

However it’s not long before the Mafia realises that the collection is late and they send out a couple of heavies to look for the deaf collector.

They soon find him and they ask the deaf collector what he’s done with the money. The problem is that deaf collector can’t communicate with them either, so the Mafia heavies drag him off to an interpreter.

They get to a sign language interpreter and the leading Mafioso then says, “I want ya to ask him where da money is.

So the interpreter signs, “Where’s the money?

The deaf collector tries to bluff his way out of his dilemma by saying, “I don’t know what they’re talking about.

The interpreter looks at the Mafioso and says, “He’s saying he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.

The Mafioso reaches into his coat and pulls out a .44 Remington Magnum handgun which he points at the forehead of the deaf collector and then with real menace in his voice he says to the interpreter, “Ask him where da money is, and tell him I won’t be askin’ again.

So the interpreter immediately signs, “Where’s the money? He says he won’t ask again and I think he’s serious.

At this point the deaf collector’s nerve goes and he signs, “The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate.

Getting impatient, the Mafioso looks at the interpreter and asks, “What did he say?

The interpreter looks at the Mafioso and says, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, he thinks you’re a pussy and he doesn’t think you’ve got the balls to pull the trigger!

2. The Balloonist and the Programmer

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and he soon realizes that he’s completely lost.

So he starts reducing height and then he suddenly spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon a little further and then shouts: “Excuse me sir I was wondering, can you tell me where I am? I seem to be lost.

Taken by surprise, the man looks up and replies “Yeah, that’s easy. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering about 25 feet above this field.

You must work in IT. I’m guessing you work as a programmer?” says the balloonist.

I do and yes, I am,” replies the man, looking a little surprised, “How did you guess?

Well” says the balloonist, “everything you’ve told me is technically correct but it’s of no actual use to anyone.

The programmer smiles and then says, “Ah, you must be the CEO in a business.

Yes, I am” replies the balloonist, “but how could you know that?

That’s easy,” says the programmer. “You don’t know where you are or where you’re going but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met but now it’s my fault.

3. The Tiger, the Man and God

A man is being chased by a tiger.

He’s running as hard as he can and eventually he gets to the edge of a cliff with the tiger still in hot pursuit.

The man looks over the edge of the cliff and sees a branch growing out of the side of the cliff just a few feet down.

Having little option, the man jumps down and grabs the branch just before the tiger arrives at the cliff edge.

The tiger is growling viciously and pacing backwards and forwards along the cliff edge. The man sighs with relief, as he thinks he’s outsmarted the tiger.

At that moment a little mouse appears from a crevice in the rock and it begins to chew on the branch.

The man looks down to what is a drop of hundreds of feet. If he falls it will surely result in his death. So he looks to the heavens and yelled out, “Dear God, if you are there, please help. I will do anything you ask but please help.

You say you will do anything I ask?” Without it being questioned?” a voice booms from heaven above.

The man is surprised to get an immediate reply to his plea but he yells back, “I will gladly do anything you ask, but please save me.

There’s one way to save you but it will take courage and faith,” says the voice from above.

The man can feel the branch begin to weaken as the mouse continues to gnaw at it and he can see the tiger still pacing around growling at the cliff’s edge a few feet above him.

Please, Lord, tell me what I must do and I will do it. Your will is my command,” shouts the man in despair.

All right then, let go of the branch,” the voice from heaven responds.

The man looks down to a fall of hundreds of feet and certain death. He looks up at the hungry tiger a few feet above him and then he looks at the mouse still chewing on the branch.

He then looks up at the heavens again and yells, “Is there no else up there I can speak to?

4. The Genie

A customer service agent, an administration clerk and their manager are all walking to lunch when they stumble upon an old, antique oil lamp.

Knowing that old oil lamps can often house a genie they enthusiastically rub it in hopeful anticipation.

Sure enough, out pops a genie.

“I am the genie of the lamp and you can each have one wish,” says the genie.

Me first! Me first!” says the customer service agent. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.

There’s a poof sound followed by a cloud of smoke and the customer service agent’s gone.

Me next! Me next!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.

There’s a poof sound followed by a cloud of smoke and the administration clerk’s gone

The genie then looks at the manager and says, “OK, I guess it’s your turn now.

I want those two back in the office in exactly 45 minutes,” the manager responds.

Moral of the story: It’s always a good idea to let your boss go first.

5. The Mexican Maid

A Mexican maid asks for a pay rise from the lady of the house.

The wife is not happy about this, so she decides to talk to the maid about her request for more money.

Now Maria, why do you want more money?” she asks.

Well Señora, there’s tree reasons why I wanna increase,” replies the maid. “The first eez that I iron better than you.

Maria, who said you iron better than me?” responds the wife.

Jor huzban he say so Señora,” Maria replies.

Oh he did, did he?” says the wife. “And what is your second reason?

The second reason eez that I am better cook than you,” Maria responds.

That’s nonsense. Who said you’re a better cook than me?” asks the wife.

Jor hozban deed Señora,” Maria replies.

Oh he did, did he?”  the wife responds, getting increasingly agitated.

The third reason eez that I ama better at sex than you in da bed,” says Maria.

The lady of the house is now angry and through gritted teeth she asks, “And did my husband say that too?

No Señora, the gardener deed,” Maria replies.

OK, how much is it you want?” asks her employer.

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5 short story jokes guaranteed to make you laugh

1. The Dead Duck

A woman brings a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she lays her beloved pet duck on the table, the vet puts his stethoscope to the bird’s chest and listens carefully.

A moment later the vet shakes his head and says sadly, “I’m really sorry mam, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.

The woman becomes quite distressed and begins to cry.

Are you sure?” she says with tears flooding from her eyes.

Yes mam, I am sure” the vet responds. “Your duck is definitely dead.

But how can you be so sure?” the woman protests. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything have you? Perhaps he’s just stunned or in a coma or something.”

The vet rolls his eyes, then turns around and leaves the room.

A few minutes later he returns with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck’s owner looks on in amazement, the Labrador stands on his hind legs, puts his front paws on the examination table and sniffs around the duck from top to bottom. He then looks up at the vet with sad eyes and shakes his head.

The vet pats the dog on the head and takes it out of the room.

A few minutes later the vet returns with a cat. The cat jumps on the table and delicately sniffs at the bird from its head to its feet. After a moment the cat looks up, shakes its head, meows softly and strolls out of the room.

The vet looks at the woman and says, “Look mam I’m really sorry, but as I said before, this is most definitely a duck that is no longer of this world. Your duck is dead.

The vet then turns to his computer terminal, hits a few keys and produces a bill, which he hands to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, looks at the bill and sees it is $150.

$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” she shrieks with incredulity

The vet shrugs his shoulders and says, “I’m sorry mam. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. However with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.

2. Never underestimate an old man

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.

Right at the back of the farm there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer decides to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn’t been down there for a while.

Before setting off, he grabs a five-gallon bucket as he decides he’ll bring back some fruit.

As he nears the pond, he can hear voices shouting and laughing with glee. Clearly someone is having a good time.

As the farmer gets closer, he can see a bunch of young women who are clearly skinny-dipping in his pond.

He makes the women aware of his presence and immediately they all swim over to the far end.

One of the women then shouts, “We’re not coming out until you leave mister!

The farmer replies, “Ladies, I didn’t come down here to watch you swim naked or make you get out of the pond. You carry on.

The wily old timer then holds up his bucket and says, “I just came down here to feed the alligators!

Moral of the story: Never underestimate an old man.

3. The Hitman

Bill is at the funeral of an old High School friend in Manhattan.

They’re all standing in the graveyard gathering their thoughts after the coffin has been lowered, when Bill notices Jim, another old friend from his High School days.

Hello Jim” says Bill.

Hello buddy, it’s been a long time. How are you?” asks Jim.

Bill responds positively but he’s puzzled as to why Jim is carrying an attaché case at a funeral.

What’s in the case?” asks Bill.

Oh, this is a tool of my trade.” says Jim.

What do you mean? What sort of tool is it?” asks Bill.

It’s a high velocity rifle.” says Jim.

Now why would you need a high velocity rifle?” asks Bill.

 “Because I’m a hitman.” says Jim.

Jog on! You’re yanking my chain, surely?” says Bill.

I’m serious” says Jim, “I make my living as a hitman. Take a look.

With that Jim opens the attaché case to show he does indeed have a high velocity rifle complete with telescopic sight and silencer.

Wow” says Bill, “Can I take a closer look at that?

Sure!” says Jim. With that he assembles the rifle, fits the telescopic sight and then passes it across to Bill.

Bill lifts the rifle to his shoulder and peers through the telescopic sight. “Wow! This is amazing. I can see everything so clearly.

Impressive, eh?” says Jim.

Yes sir. I can see right across Central Park. I can even see my own apartment on the Upper West Side” says Bill. “Wait a minute I can see right through my bedroom window and I can see my wife’s having sex with my neighbour.

Really?” says Jim.

Yeah, really!” says Bill. “How much do you charge for a hit?

Well I charge $10,000 dollars per shot but with this telescopic sight I only ever need one shot to hit the target.” says Jim.

Right!” says Bill. “I’ll have two. I want you to shoot her right through the head and I want you to shoot him in the genitals.

So Jim takes the rifle, puts it so his shoulder, peers down the lens of the telescopic sight and carefully starts taking aim. However he then seems to take an age, as he starts waving the rifle barrel around and keeps adjusting the line of sight.

As he waits, Bill starts getting increasingly agitated as he thinks about what’s going on in his apartment.

What’s going on now?” he asks, clearly freaking out. “What are they doing? Why are you taking so long? Why are you hesitating?

Have patience my friend”, says Jim. “I’m trying to save you ten grand.

4. Jack the cowboy

Jack is a cowboy working on a large ranch in a remote pasture in Wyoming.

One day as he’s overseeing the livestock on the ranch a brand-new BMW suddenly advances towards him creating an enormous cloud of dust in the process

The car stops and the driver is a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie. He steps out of the car and says to the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?

Jack looks at the man, who’s obviously a yuppie, he then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and responds calmly, “Sure, why not?

The yuppie then whips out a very impressive iPhone X smartphone from his jacket pocket and begins to surf the NASA website. Simultaneously he uses the GPS satellite to get the exact coordinates of his location. He then feeds that back to Google Earth to capture a high-resolution image of this location.

The young man then opens the digital image in Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Langley, Virginia.

Within seconds, he receives an email to his iPhone X to confirm that the image has been processed and the data captured and stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally he uses an AirPrint printer located in his car to print out a full-color, 150-page report. He then turns to Jack, hands him the report and says, “Sir, you’ll see from the Executive Summary that you have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.

That’s right,” says Jack. “I guess you can take one of my calves.

Jack then watches with amusement as the young man struggles to get the animal into the trunk of his car.

After a minute or two, Jack says to the guy, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my calf back?

The young man thinks for a second and then he says, “Sure, why not?

You’re a Congressman for the US Government“, says Jack.

Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?

No guessing required son,” Jack responded. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want paying for an answer I already know; to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars-worth of equipment trying to show me how smart you are; and you don’t know a thing about how ordinary, working people make a living, or about cows for that matter. If you did you’d know that this herd is actually a flock of sheep. Now give me back my dog.

5. The old Native American and a $500 loan 

An old Native American man has a need to borrow $500, so he goes to his local bank and asks to speak with the Loans officer.

The banker welcomes him and then says a loan application form must be completed. So he takes a loan application form from his desk drawer and begins to question the old man.

So, what are you going to do with the money?” he asks the man.

Buy silver, make jewelry, then sell it,” the man responded.

And what have you got for collateral?” asked the banker.

Don’t know collateral,” replied the old man

Well that’s something of value that you provide us with to cover the cost of the loan if you fail to repay,” said the banker. “For instance, have you got any vehicles?

Yes. 1979 Chevy pickup,” replied the old man

The banker shook his head, “No that won’t do, I’m afraid. How about livestock?

Yes, I have a horse,” replied the old man.

How old is it?” the banker enquired.

Don’t know, has no teeth,” replies the old man.

The conversation went on like this for a while but eventually the banker decides to grant the $500 loan to the old man.

Several weeks later the old man returns to the bank.

He pulls out a large roll of $100 bills from his pocket, “Here to pay,” he says.

He then hands the banker $500 in $100 bills to repay his loan.

Business has been good I can see,” says the banker. “What are you going to do with the rest of that money?

Keep it close to me,” the old man responded.

Why don’t you just deposit it in my bank,” the banker enquired.

Don’t know deposit,” replied the old man

Well, you just put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. Whenever you want to use it, you can withdraw it,” the banker responded.

The old Native American man leans across the desk and looks the banker in the eye and asks, “What you got for collateral?

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© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

7 inspirational quotes about marriage

Marriage can be a thorny subject for some and the source of great pleasure for others. If a successful marriage is your aim then you will need to master the art of compromise, as well as choosing a life partner for whom you have the greatest respect.

Friendship is at the heart of any successful marriage and friendship is a relationship of equals. That means the power dynamic in your relationship must be balanced. Both parties must feel that their needs are being met. You’re a team and as with all teams, each of you has a role to play. One person cannot be expected to bear the burden of doing everything whilst the other person does nothing. That’s not fair, nor is it sustainable.

A successful marriage can be your greatest investment. Choose your partner wisely and a successful relationship can be yours; fail to choose carefully and it could prove to be painful for all concerned. Here are seven inspirational quotes about marriage to help you reflect on what is one of life’s greatest institutions.

Remember this; choose well and nurture your relationship and it can last a lifetime. Find the right partner and you’ll appreciate their presence in your life with each passing year.

Today’s quotes:

  1. By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. ~Socrates
  2. Happy is the man who finds a true friend and far happier is he who finds that true friend in his wife. ~Franz Schubert
  3. It is not a lack of love but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages. ~Friedrich Nietzsche
  4. My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me. ~Winston Churchill
  5. Don’t marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can’t live without. ~James Dobson
  6. The secret of a happy marriage is finding the right person. You know they’re right if you love to be with them all the time. ~Julia Child
  7. Every good relationship, especially marriage, is based on respect. If it’s not based on respect, nothing that appears to be good will last very long. ~Amy Grant

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So dear reader, were these inspirational quotes about marriage interesting? Did today’s topic make you think? If so, please share it with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

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© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

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