37 funny comebacks for dealing with rude people


We all have to deal with rude comments and mean and spiteful people occasionally. That’s all part of human existence.

However how often do you wish you had a suitable response ready to go to put such people firmly in their place?

If only you had a stock of funny comebacks to choose from when situations dictate?

Well here are 37 funny comebacks that you find useful when you’re faced with dealing with rude, mean or difficult people. How many of these can you work into your day?

If there are any of these that you particularly like then do let us know via the comments but not before you’ve enjoyed all these funny comebacks.

And should you know any funny comebacks not included here then please share those via the comments too. When you share, everyone wins.

Funny Comebacks:

  1. You know you really should buy some breath mints? 
  2. I have better things to do than listen to you.
  3. Whoever told you to be yourself has given you bad advice.
  4. I don’t care what everyone else says, I don’t think you’re that bad.
  5. Stupidity’s not a crime, so you’re free to go.
  6. I believed in evolution until I met you.
  7. Have you ever wondered why people don’t like you?
  8. I accept I’m not perfect but at least I’m not you. 
  9. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.
  10. You always bring me so much joy, the minute you leave the room.
  11. I don’t need to be a proctologist to recognise that you’re an asshole.
  12. I’m not a cactus expert but I do know a prick when I see one.
  13. I would explain it to you but I have neither the time nor the crayons! 
  14. Sorry buddy but I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.
  15. Look, if I wanted to hear from an asshole, all I had to do was fart.
  16. If only your dad had used a condom, the world would be a better place.
  17. You have your entire life to be a jerk. Take a day off and give the rest of us a break.
  18. Everyone said you were unpleasant but I didn’t believe them ……. until now.
  19. Sorry but you’re confusing me with someone who actually cares about what you think.
  20. Are you always such an idiot or do you just like to show off when I’m around?
  21. I understand what you’re saying but if I agreed with you then we’d both be wrong.
  22. Everyone’s entitled to act stupid once in a while but you’re abusing the privilege.
  23. Remember when I asked for your opinion? Well, me neither.
  24. No wonder everyone talks about you behind your back.
  25. It’s better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you’re stupid rather than open it and remove all doubt.
  26. Mirrors don’t lie, and lucky for you, they don’t laugh either.
  27. I don’t remember asking for your opinion.
  28. I was going to give you a nasty look but you’ve already got one.
  29. I’m busy, you’re ugly. Have a nice day.
  30. Why don’t you check eBay and see if they have a life for sale.
  31. I hope you step on a Lego in your bare feet. 
  32. You only annoy me when you’re breathing, really.
  33. Of course I talk like an idiot. How else would you be able to understand me?
  34. You can keep rolling your eyes if you must but you’re unlikely to find a brain back there.
  35. I don’t know what your problem is but I’m guessing it’s hard to pronounce.
  36. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
  37. You sir are a human version of period cramps.

Polite request:

So dear reader, was this post worth a little piece of your time? Did you enjoy reading it?

If you were impressed with this post then please share it with your friends on social media.

People really do love sharp and funny comebacks, so share this post now.

And let me say that if you could share this post I’d be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. Thank you.

Other articles you may find interesting:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

10 memorable lines from the movies

I love the movies and I love all the clever lines that are so memorable. Here are 10 memorable lines from the movies that I think are some of the best of all time:-

Memorable lines from the movies:

I’ll Have What She’s Having. ~When Harry Met Sally (1989)

It’s not the years, honey. It’s the mileage. ~Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life. ~Animal House (1978)

Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the War Room! ~Dr Strangelove (1964)

There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy. ~The First Wives Club (1996)

There’s only two things I hate in this world: people who are intolerant of other peoples’ cultures and the Dutch. ~Goldmember (2002)

I was married. My husband cheated on me left and right. He made me feel like I was crazy all the time. One day he tells me it’s my fault he saw other women. So I picked up a knife and told him it was his fault I was stabbing him. Yeah, I did a little jail time but it was worth it. ~Living Out Loud (1998)

There’s no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you’ll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane? ~Airplane! (1980)

Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately. I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob. ~Office Space (1999)

Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m a schizophrenic and so am I. ~What About Bob? (1991)

And a bonus memorable line from television:

I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? ~Chandler Bing, Friends

Polite request:

So dear reader, was this post worth a little piece of your time? Did you enjoy reading it?

Were these some of the most memorable lines of all times or can you think of betters ones? Please share with us any ideas you have via the comments section.

If you were impressed with this post then please share it with your friends on social media.

People really do love the movies, so share this post now. When you share, everyone wins.

And if you could share this post I’d be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. Thank you.

Other articles you may find interesting:

DISCLOSURE: This post contains some Amazon affiliate links, which means should you make a purchase via any of these links then we will receive a small commission. There will be no additional cost to you as the purchaser. Such commissions serve only to cover the cost of maintaining this website. Your support is appreciated. Thank you.

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

Why is my life so bad right now?

Why is my life so bad right now? Have you ever asked yourself that question dear reader? Perhaps you feel you deserve something better from life? Your life’s not all you’d like it to be, possibly?

Does the headline question resonate with you? You look around and you see people enjoying the sort of life you’d like and you can’t help wondering how it’s all working out for them but not for you?

If you feel this way then you’re not alone, that much is certain. Plenty of people feel this way. However, if you do feel this way, do you ever wonder who’s at fault for your life failing to meet your expectations?

Maybe you feel the fault lies with your parents or the teachers you had at school, possibly?

Perhaps you feel the fault lies with your boss or your employer?

They didn’t provide you with the right training or you didn’t get the breaks when there was an opportunity for promotion? Someone else got the promotion simply because they were well in with the boss, right? You feel that you were a better candidate than them and yet they got the job? Life can be so unfair, right?

Well my friend I have to tell you, if your life sucks then there is only one person you can blame. Just look in any mirror and you will see that person staring right back at you.

We’re responsible for our own lives and our lives will always be what we choose to make of them.

Yes, you may have had a few bad breaks in life. Yes, perhaps your parents and/or teachers could have been better. So what? Life is still what you choose to make it.

You have to decide what it is you want; you have to work out how to get what you want; and then it requires determination and a lot of hard work on your part to get where you really want to be.

Life is an endless stream of opportunities you can choose to take or not. For the eagle-eyed and fleet-footed, opportunities are there for the taking every single day.

By providing a service and adding value to the lives of others, there’s always money to be made. Keep educating yourself and learning new skills and you’ll be able to add more value to people. Add more value and you’ll get paid more. Manage the money you make wisely and you can always create your own wealth over time. It can be done and people do. Why not you?

However there are no shortcuts. Nothing ever happens by chance. On very rare occasions you might get lucky and something will fall into your lap. However mostly you’ll have to work very hard to get what you want. You have to go out and make things happen I’m afraid. That’s life, unfortunately.

It’s the same with relationships too. Find someone who you’d be happy to have as a friend, even without sex, and you have the basis for a healthy relationship. Friendship and trust underpin a good relationship. As does commitment and a willingness to put in as much as you take out.

It all starts with really knowing what you want. If you know your ‘Why’ then that will give you the motivation you need to keep going until you get to where you want to be. If you want it badly enough, you’ll find a way to make it happen.

That said, you have to be positive; you have to be prepared to make a few mistakes; and you have to be prepared to learn from those mistakes.

On the road to success, a few mistakes are inevitable. However as learning opportunities, mistakes are invaluable. You’ll learn much more from any mistakes you make than you will from any successes you enjoy.

However, never allow yourself to be driven too far off course. Keep your eye on the prize you want; and never accept an answer unless it’s the one that you want.

Above all, never, ever let people discourage you from pursuing your dreams and ambition.

It doesn’t matter what other people think; the only thing that matters is what you think. It doesn’t matter whether they believe you can do it, as long you believe you can do it.

You can be whatever you want to be, as long as you really, really want whatever it is you think you want.

Everything is possible for those who never give up until they get to where they want to go. Life really is what you make it.

You must also remember this though, life’s not a rehearsal. You only get to go round once. So make it the best you can and make the most of being you. You’re as good as anyone and better than most.

You can have the life you want but not without hard work and commitment. There’s a price to be paid and that price will be paid in blood, sweat and tears. You never get anything for nothing and the price must be paid first.

If you don’t want to pay the price then the life you lead will always fall short of your expectations. Sorry if that bothers you but it’s a fact.

So, what actions will you take now to start improving your life? Make a list and get going. It’s never too late to improve your situation. It’s never too late to make life better.

Polite request:

If you found this article useful then please share it on social media with your friends. When you share, everyone wins.

So please share now. If you do I will be ever so grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. Thank you.

Other articles you might also find interesting:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

How to become a real success?

Be so good they can’t ignore you. ~Steve Martin

How to become a real success? That’s a question most people struggle to answer, quite frequently. If becoming a success was easy then everyone would be doing well.

Sadly life’s not like that, however much we would like it to be.

Success requires hard work and a determination to keep going after each and every setback, and there’ll always be setbacks for everyone. No one’s life is plain sailing all the time.

So where do we start, if success is our aim? Well let me tell you right now. It all starts with being very good at what you do.

If you’re very good at what you do then you’ll get noticed, maybe not immediately but eventually. And when you get noticed you’ll get your chance to show what you can really do.

Just keep performing consistently at a high level and people will not be able to ignore you for too long.

Really good people are hard to find. So business leaders and talent spotters are always on the lookout for genuine talent that is motivated and keen to add real value.

However merely being good at what you do is not enough in itself. You must be ready constantly to seize every opportunity to get noticed by the right people.

If you’re working hard and honing your skills, one day someone significant within your company will say to you, “Could you do this for me please?” That is the point at which opportunity is really knocking. Visibility with the right people matters.

So grab the opportunity to show them what you can really do.

If you embrace the task you’re requested to do then you’ll be on your way down that road that will lead to success, if you play your cards right.

And remember; success is a game and it’s a game you should play to win.

Remember this also; plenty of people can deliver an exceptional result occasionally. It’s the people who can do it regularly and consistently to the highest level who are really special.

With commitment and the right attitude you can be such a person

Polite request:

If you found this article useful then please share it on social media with your friends. When you share, everyone wins.

So please share now. If you do I will be ever so grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. Thank you.

Other articles you might also find interesting:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

Why should I be positive?

People with positive attitudes make better employees, better friends and better mates.~Michael Josephson

Attitude is a subject I return to frequently. And I do that because from experience I know it matters.

You may think having an attitude is a good thing. Perhaps it is if you want to make it as a rock star. However in just about every other situation in life it won’t work for you.

No employer will be impressed by someone with a negative attitude. No employer will be keen to hire someone with a negative attitude.

Most hiring managers have enough problems to deal with each day without adding to them by hiring someone with a chippy attitude.

And if you’re seeking to make new friends or form a relationship then again you’re unlikely to impress anyone if you have a negative attitude.

Why would anyone want to have their life burdened by a friend or a partner with an attitude problem?

Life is hard enough for most people without them having to put up with someone who is high maintenance because of their attitude.

I can tell you this; your life will be much, much better if you start developing a positive attitude.

Fail to do that and your life is unlikely to be very enjoyable at all. The choice is yours. Your life will be what you choose to make it. It’s true, it won’t be perfect. It’s true, you’ll have bad times, as well as good. Everyone does. However if you’re positive, it’ll be easier on your central nervous system.

Look for the positive in every situation. There’s always something positive there, however small.

So, go out, be positive and it will take you further than you might imagine.

Polite request:

If you found this article useful then please share it on social media with your friends. When you share, everyone wins.

So please share now. If you do I will be ever so grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. Thank you.

Other articles you might also find interesting:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

15 Quotes by Bob Marley

The late Bob Marley was of course a Jamaican singer-songwriter who became an international musical and cultural icon. For me he is one of the greatest recording artists of all time.

His music blended mostly reggae, ska and rocksteady rhythms into compositions with a very commercial sound.

However beneath the commercial sound were lyrics with real bite. And that in my opinion is why his songs remain popular to this day.

To have risen from humble beginnings to have the international impact Bob Marley had, then you have to be someone very special and he was, certainly in musical terms.

Here are 15 quotes by Bob Marley to remind you of what a talent the world has lost.

Quotes by Bob Marley:

  1. You have to be someone. ~Bob Marley
  2. Money can’t buy life. ~Bob Marley
  3. None but ourselves can free our minds. ~Bob Marley
  4. Tell the children the truth. ~Bob Marley
  5. In this bright future you can’t forget your past. ~Bob Marley
  6. When one door is closed, don’t you know another is open? ~Bob Marley
  7. If something can corrupt you, you’re corrupted already. ~Bob Marley
  8. Every man gotta right to decide his own destiny. ~Bob Marley
  9. Don’t gain the world and lose your soul; wisdom is better than silver or gold. ~Bob Marley
  10. Open your eyes and look within. Are you satisfied with the life you’re living? ~Bob Marley
  11. Truth is everybody is going to hurt you: you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for. ~Bob Marley
  12. The greatness of a man is not in how much wealth he acquires, but in his integrity and his ability to affect those around him positively. ~Bob Marley
  13. Get up, stand up, stand up for your rights. Get up, stand up, don’t give up the fight. ~Bob Marley
  14. Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don’t complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don’t bury your thoughts; put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live! ~Bob Marley
  15. God sent me on earth. He send me to do something, and nobody can stop me. If God want to stop me, then I stop. Man never can. ~Bob Marley

Polite request:

Did you find these quotes by Bob Marley as interesting and inspirational as you’d hoped dear reader?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If that is the case then please share them with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So share them now on social media. If you can do that for me then it will be truly appreciated. Thank you.

Similar articles you may also enjoy:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

15 Quotes by Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx, born Julius Henry Marx, was an American comedian, writer, stage, film, radio and television star and part of the successful and immensely popular comedy act known as The Marx Brothers.

Groucho was known for his quick wit and he is widely considered one of the best comedians of the modern era.

With his siblings the Marx Brothers, Groucho Marx made 13 feature films but he also had a successful solo career in radio and television.

Here are 15 quotes by Groucho Marx which illustrate his quick wit.

Quotes by Groucho Marx:

  1. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that you’ve got it made. ~Groucho Marx
  2. I intend to live forever, or die trying. ~Groucho Marx
  3. I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. ~Groucho Marx
  4. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. ~Groucho Marx
  5. Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. ~Groucho Marx
  6. No man goes before his time, unless the boss leaves early. ~Groucho Marx
  7. Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them, well I have others. ~Groucho Marx
  8. I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. ~Groucho Marx
  9. Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. ~Groucho Marx
  10. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. ~Groucho Marx
  11. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? ~Groucho Marx
  12. There’s one way to find out if a man is honest, ask him. If he says, yes, you know he’s a crook. ~Groucho Marx
  13. Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. ~Groucho Marx
  14. Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me? ~Groucho Marx
  15. Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? ~Groucho Marx

The work of Groucho Marx and the Marx Brothers is still available on Amazon. You can check it out if you CLICK HERE.

Polite request:

Did you find these quotes by Groucho Marx as interesting and amusing as you’d hoped dear reader?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If that is the case then please share them with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So share them now on social media. If you can do that for me then it will be truly appreciated. Thank you.

Similar articles you may also enjoy:

PLEASE BE AWARE: This post contains an affiliate link which means that a small commission would be received should you make a purchase from Amazon via the link. There’s no extra cost to you and commissions serve only to pay for the upkeep of this website. 

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

15 Quotes by Yogi Berra

Born Lorenzo Pietro Berra to Italian immigrants, Yogi Berra was an American professional baseball personality.

He was a catcher, who later took on the roles of manager and coach.

He played 19 seasons in Major League Baseball, all but the last for the New York Yankees.

He may not have been that tall is physical stature but he was a huge personality and he was also a man with a memorable turn of phrase.

Certainly he had his own unique way of making a point.

Here are 15 quotes by Yogi Berra to underline my point.

If you’re looking for memorable quotes to use in a presentation then quotes by Yogi Berra would be an excellent choice.

They always nail an underlying point whilst being concise and memorable. Read on and see if you agree with me.

Quotes by Yogi Berra:

  1. It ain’t over till it’s over. ~Yogi Berra
  2. A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore. ~Yogi Berra
  3. You can observe a lot by watching. ~Yogi Berra
  4. The future ain’t what it used to be. ~Yogi Berra
  5. It’s like deja-vu, all over again. ~Yogi Berra
  6. When you arrive at a fork in the road, take it. ~Yogi Berra
  7. You wouldn’t have won if we’d beaten you. ~Yogi Berra
  8. If the world were perfect, it wouldn’t be. ~Yogi Berra
  9. Even Napoleon had his Watergate. ~Yogi Berra
  10. There are some people who, if they don’t already know, you can’t tell ’em. ~Yogi Berra
  11. If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else. ~Yogi Berra
  12. In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is. ~Yogi Berra
  13. Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours. ~Yogi Berra
  14. I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did. ~Yogi Berra
  15. I tell the kids, somebody’s gotta win, somebody’s gotta lose. Just don’t fight about it. Just try to get better. ~Yogi Berra

Polite request:

Did you find these quotes by Yogi Berra as interesting and inspirational as you’d hoped dear reader?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If that is the case then please share them with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So share them now on social media. If you can do that for me then it will be truly appreciated. Thank you.

Similar articles you may enjoy:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

15 Quotes by Betty White

Betty Marion White Ludden, known professionally as Betty White, is an American actor and comedian born in 1922.

She’s had the longest television career of any female entertainer.

Not only is she an actor, she is also one of the first women to have control both in front of and behind the camera and she is recognized as the first woman to produce a sitcom.

She is probably best known for her roles in The Mary Tyler Moore Show, The Golden Girls and, more recently, Hot in Cleveland.

However she’s had a successful career spanning more than 75 years and she’s received eight Emmy awards in various categories.

And she continues to work despite her age.

What makes her interesting for me is her positive attitude.

Whenever you hear her speak or give advice she’s always so positive and that’s a quality I admire in people.

So here are 15 quotes by Betty White to illustrate my point.

Quotes by Betty White:

  1. I just make it my business to get along with people so I can have fun. It’s that simple. ~Betty White
  2. It’s your outlook on life that counts. If you take yourself lightly and don’t take yourself too seriously, pretty soon you can find the humor in our everyday lives. And sometimes it can be a lifesaver. ~Betty White
  3. I may be a senior but so what? I’m still hot. ~Betty White
  4. I think it’s your mental attitude. So many of us start dreading age in high school and that’s a waste of a lovely life. ‘Oh… I’m 30, oh, I’m 40, oh, 50.’ Make the most of it. ~Betty White
  5. I have a two-story house and a bad memory, so I’m up and down those stairs all the time. That’s my exercise. ~Betty White
  6. The bottom line is, I’m blessed with good health. On top of that, I don’t go around thinking ‘Oh, I’m 90, I better do this or I better do that.’ I’m just Betty. I’m the same Betty that I’ve always been. Take it or leave it. ~Betty White
  7. Retirement is not in my vocabulary. They aren’t going to get rid of me that way. ~Betty White
  8. Don’t try to be young. Just open your mind. Stay interested in stuff. There are so many things I won’t live long enough to find out about, but I’m still curious about them. You know people who are already saying, ‘I’m going to be 30 – oh, what am I going to do?’ Well, use that decade! Use them all! ~Betty White
  9. I really don’t care with whom you sleep. I just care what kind of a decent human being you are. ~Betty White
  10. I’m having the time of my life and the fact that I’m still working – how lucky can you get? I’m 90 years old and still able to work as much as I do. That’s a privilege. ~Betty White
  11. I didn’t know what Facebook was, and now that I do know what it is, I have to say, it sounds like a huge waste of time. ~Betty White
  12. The audience today has heard every joke. They know every plot. They know where you’re going before you even start. That’s a tough audience to surprise, and a tough audience to write for. It’s much more competitive now, because the audience is so much more – I want to say ‘sophisticated.’ ~Betty White
  13. A lot of people think this is a goody-two-shoes talking. But we do have a tendency to complain rather than celebrating who we are. I learned at my mother’s knee it’s better to appreciate what’s happening. I think we kind of talk ourselves into the negative sometimes. ~Betty White
  14. Animals don’t lie. Animals don’t criticize. If animals have moody days, they handle them better than humans do. ~Betty White
  15. If you’re walking with your lady on the sidewalk, I still like to see a man walking street-side, to protect the lady from traffic. I grew up with that, and I hate to see something like that get lost. I still like to see that a man opens the door. I like those touches of chivalry that are fast disappearing. If I sound old-fashioned, it’s because I’m as old as I am! But it’s just polite. ~Betty White

Polite request:

Did you find these quotes by Betty White as interesting and inspirational as you’d hoped dear reader?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If that is the case then please share them with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So share them now on social media. If you can do that for me then it will be truly appreciated. Thank you.

Similar articles you may enjoy:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

3 hilarious short story jokes guaranteed to raise a smile

1. Getting married in Heaven:

A young Catholic couple, Patrick and Bernadette, were on their way to the church to get married. Sadly their lives were cut cruelly short by a road traffic accident just before they would have reached their destination.

Nevertheless they’d lived good and decent lives, so naturally in an instant they found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St Peter as he reviewed a clipboard to confirm their names were on the list.

As they stood there, Patrick said to St Peter, “Will it still be possible for us to get married in Heaven?

To be honest, I’m not sure”, said St Peter. “Believe it or not, this has never happened before. If you’ll bear with me, I will check it out for you.

With that St Peter disappeared.

So Patrick and Bernadette sat down on a nearby golden bench and they waited. And waited, and waited, and waited. They waited so long that a couple of months passed.

Naturally in that time they chatted about their future and the challenges of being married and the fact that many of their friends who’d married found it wasn’t always forever. Circumstances often change and relationships can suffer.

Eventually St Peter reappeared looking a little flustered.

Well”, said St Peter, “I have some good news for you both. I’m pleased to be able to tell you that you will be to get married here in Heaven.”

Oh, that’s great!” said Bernadette enthusiastically.

Patrick wasn’t quite so enthusiastic in his reaction though.

St Peter, I was just wondering”, said Patrick, “If we were to marry and things didn’t work out, would we be able to divorce in Heaven?”

St Peter’s response suggested that he was irritated by Patrick’s question, as he slammed his clipboard angrily on the ground.

St Peter, what’s the matter?” Bernadette enquired.

Oh, for Heaven’s sake!” said St Peter. “It’s taken me almost three months to find a priest here in Heaven. Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?

2. Age problems:

Jim was 85 years old and he’d been playing golf every single day since he’d retired from work 20 years earlier.

One day Jim arrives home from golf and he’s obviously in an agitated state.

What’s the matter dear?” his wife, Mabel enquired.

I’m going to give up golf”, Jim responded. “My eyesight is now so bad that once I hit the ball I just can’t see where it’s gone.”

Mabel can see Jim’s really upset so she tries to be as sympathetic as possible.

Oh don’t worry dear. Let me make you a nice cup of coffee. You’ll feel better after that I’m sure”, she says.

As they both sit down with the coffee, Mabel says suddenly, “Hey, I’ve got an idea. Next time you play golf you could take my brother Sid with you.

But Mabel, how will that help?” says Jim, “Sid is 98!

Yes”, says Mabel, “but he still has perfect eyesight. He can be your eyes when you play.

So Jim agrees it’s probably worth a try and he makes arrangements with Sid for the next day.

The next day Jim heads off to the country club with Sid.

At the first tee, Jim tees up with an almighty swing and he then squints down the fairway trying to see where his ball has gone.

Sid, did you see where my ball went?” asks Jim.

Sure!” says Sid. “I still have perfect eyesight.”

Jim waited momentarily, anticipating some further information from Sid but he got nothing.

So where did it go then?” asks Jim.

Sid looked at him a little confused and then said, “Where did what go?

3. One kiss:

Alice was an attractive young woman and she was shopping in a department store looking to buy material for a dress she was making.

At the fabric counter she spotted some suitable material and said to the young male clerk behind the counter, “What’s the cost of this material please?”

Well miss the price for that is just one kiss per yard,” replied the clerk, with a confident grin on his face.

That’s fine,” said Alice. “I’ll take ten yards please.”

Well the clerk couldn’t believe his luck. He quickly measured out the cloth, folded it carefully, wrapped it up, then teasingly held the package out to Alice.

She in turn accepted the package, smiled and then, pointing to the elderly man behind her, she said, “My grandpa will settle the bill.

And with that she proceeded to browse at the next counter.

Polite request:

If you enjoyed these hilarious short story jokes dear reader then please share them on social media with your friends.

Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, share now.

And if you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Other articles you’ll find amusing:

© Roy J Sutton and Mann Island Media Limited 2018. All Rights Reserved.

Show Buttons
Hide Buttons