33 Corny puns and funny jokes to cheer someone up

03/12/2025 by

If you’re looking for funny jokes to cheer someone up, this post is for you.

We live in difficult times, and we all face so many pressures. When our friends are down, we try to lift their spirits. And for that, it helps if we have a few corny puns and funny jokes to cheer someone up.

Well, today, I’ve curated another 33 gems just for you, dear reader.

At least I think they’re gems. So I hope they’ll make you laugh too. Some might be a bit too corny, but I’m confident some will tickle you.

Enjoy them and don’t forget to share them too.

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Funny jokes to cheer someone up: (1-11)

Nothing tops plain pizza.

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

Seven days of fasting will make one weak.

What do you call a hippy’s wife? Mississippi.

I tried eating a clock, but it was time-consuming.

I wanted to be a monk, but I never got the chants.

Autocorrect makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.

I was never a fan of San Andreas. It’s not my fault.

Dead batteries cost nothing. They’re free of charge.

The girl in the middle of the tennis court is Annette.

Funny jokes to cheer someone up: (12-22)

Ask yourself if it’s wise to eat at Sam and Ella’s diner?

Cemetery raises prices and blames it on the cost of living.

I will start collecting highlighting pens. Mark my words.

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

My dogs are called Rolex and Breitling. They’re watchdogs.

What does the pizza man use to cut his hair? Little Caesars.

I pulled a muscle digging for gold. It was just a miner injury.

What do you call a cow that can’t give milk? An udder failure.

Water’s heavier than Butane because Butane is a Lighter fluid.

When a wolf is taught to meditate, does it become aware wolf?

I started an online bakery but I accidentally deleted all my cookies.

Funny jokes to cheer someone up: (23-33)

Lego store re-opens after lockdown. People stand in line for blocks.

Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators? Because it lifts their spirits.

My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.

I’m reading a book called “Quick Money for Dummies” by Robin Banks.

I wanted a career as a fisherman, but I couldn’t live on the net income.

If you wear a facemask and glasses, you may be entitled to condensation.

Beauty School student misses classes. She’s forced to make up the makeup test.

If two meth-heads start a relationship are they “speed dating” or just “mething around”.

My wife said she’d leave me if I made up any more puns about The Monkees. I thought she was joking. Then I saw her face …..

DOCTOR: Nurse, what’s the status on the boy who swallowed a coin? NURSE: Still no change, Doctor.

Dear Algebra, Please stop asking me to find your X. She’s not coming back and don’t ask Y.

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you enjoy these corny puns and funny jokes to cheer someone up? Were they as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader?

I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case, please share this blog post with your friends, because when you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now on social media. If you can do that for me, I will be forever grateful, and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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25 witty puns and jokes to cheer someone up

02/05/2025 by

Today I offer you 25 witty puns and jokes to cheer someone up. If you know someone in serious need of a smile or two, then some of these might just make them laugh.

So take a few minutes to enjoy them all, and then pick the best ones and see if you can get a good laugh from your friends.

Even if it’s only a groan you get in return, it will probably lift people’s spirits, at the very least.

Jokes to cheer someone up: (1 – 12)

If at first you don’t succeed, then don’t try skydiving.

If a drummer comes out of retirement, will there be repercussions?

I never like taking selfies of myself in the shower. The photos turn out blurry, and I have selfie steam issues.

You should keep your voice down in cornfields because there are so many ears.

I used to be a watchmaker. I loved the job because I made my own hours.

If your guy doesn’t like fresh fruit puns, let the mango.

I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn’t work.

Will glass coffins ever be popular? Remains to be seen.

I tried the vegan diet for a week, but it was a huge miss steak.

Apparently, you can’t use BEEFSTEW as a password because it’s not Stroganoff.

I was listening to classical music on the television, but it wasn’t to my taste. Far too much sax and violins.

Did you hear about the watchmaker who became a gardener? He ended up with too much thyme on his hands.

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Jokes to cheer someone up: (13 – 25)

I made a movie about diarrhea. It’s been released everywhere.

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars were all in the same bar. They didn’t planet that way.

You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tuna fish. Unless you play bass, then you can play all the scales.

So many people are anti-vaccination, but I think they should give it a shot.

I saw an advertisement in the newspaper for burial plots. I thought that’s the last thing I need.

My girlfriend bet me $100 that I couldn’t build a car from spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

I went to Mount Rushmore and I was probably the only visitor unimpressed. Perhaps I just took it for granite.

Can someone recommend a better way of clearing frost from my windshield? I used a discount card but I only got 20% off.

My wife asked me if I’d seen the dog bowl. “I didn’t know he could!” was my reply.

A man was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun. I was told that he’s fully recovered now.

My wife’s in the hospital after eating a daffodil bulb. She’ll be out in the spring.

Lance is no longer a common name, but in medieval times, men were named Lance a lot.

There’s a new GPS device designed for seniors. It tells you how to get where you want to go and then reminds you why you wanted to go there.

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Please share this post with your friends:

Did you enjoy these witty puns and jokes to cheer someone up? Were they as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader?

I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case, then please share this blog post with your friends, because when you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now on social media. If you can do that for me then I will be truly grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you for your support.

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25 witty one-liner jokes that might just make you smile

11/28/2024 by

In need of being cheered up a little, dear reader? Then perhaps some of these witty one-liner jokes will make you smile.

I’ve been trawling my journal for some of the best one-liners I’ve heard in recent months, and I’ve picked out some of the best just for you.

I cannot confirm the authors of individual quotes, but if you know, please let me know via the contact page. I’m very keen to add credits where possible.

In the meantime, relax and take a few moments to enjoy these witty one-liner jokes.

Witty one-liner jokes (1-10):

  1. Moses had the first tablet connected to the cloud.
  2. Can I speak a second language? Does profanity count?
  3. Of course, my conscience is clear. It’s never been used.
  4. Am I ignorant and apathetic? I don’t know and I don’t care.
  5. If your horses don’t smoke, then your stable must be on fire.
  6. What two words do sharks most like to hear? Man overboard!
  7. I have the heart of a lion. For which I got a lifetime ban from the zoo.
  8. Four of the most beautiful words in the English language. I told you so!
  9. If I had 50 cents for every math exam I’d failed, I’d have $9.35 by now.
  10. I heard a song on the radio about tortillas. Actually, it was more of a rap.

Witty one-liner jokes (11-20):

  1. Do I think whiteboards are a wonderful invention? Certainly, they’re remarkable.
  2. I’ve no idea why, but they say I’m condescending. That’s talking down to people.
  3. The one thing I can say about the good old days is that I was neither good nor old.
  4. Leave them wanting more is always great advice unless you work in disaster relief.
  5. What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth? An unfortunate swimmer.
  6. In need of a good laugh? Start an argument with someone when they have hiccups.
  7. If we should never eat late at night, then the obvious question is, “Why does the fridge have a light?”
  8. I was having short-term memory problems, so I went to see my doctor. He wanted payment in advance.
  9. I read in the newspaper that a semicolon broke the law. Two consecutive sentences, apparently.
  10. 250 pounds on Earth is the same as 95 pounds on Mercury. So I’m not fat; I’m living on the wrong planet.

Witty one-liner jokes (21-25):

  1. What do you get when you wake up on a workday, only to realize that you’re out of coffee? A depresso.
  2. When I woke up this morning, I couldn’t remember on which side the sun rises. Then it dawned on me.
  3. Now there’s a difference between a man who eats shoots and leaves and a man who eats, shoots, and leaves.
  4. If peeling onions causes you to shed a few tears, then don’t form an emotional bond with them in the first place.
  5. Should women be allowed to have children after 40? Well, it’s their choice, but 40 seems more than enough children to me.

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So, dear reader, was this post worth a little piece of your time? Did you enjoy reading it? Did any of these witty one-liner jokes make you smile?

If you did enjoy this article, then please share it with your friends on social media.

People do enjoy witty one-liner jokes, so please share this post now.

If you could share it, I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Your support is appreciated. Thank you.

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50 candidates for short joke of the day to raise a smile

11/19/2024 by

If you’re looking for candidates for the short joke of the day, then there are some great jokes on offer here today, dear reader.

Perhaps you’re just looking for something to make you laugh.

Then I’m sure at least one or two of these will tickle your funny bone.

Enjoy them all.

And then please pass them on.

Short Joke of the Day (1-20):

  1. I’m a social vegan. I avoid meet.
  2. Boycott shampoo. Demand real poo.
  3. Avoid dangerous cults. Practise safe sects.
  4. Do gun manuals have a troubleshooting section?
  5. Remember, there’s no lifeguard in the gene pool.
  6. Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii or just a low ha?
  7. Never fight with a dinosaur. You’ll just get jurasskicked.
  8. I’ve just sold a homing pigeon on eBay for the 15th time.
  9. What did the daughter corn ask the mother corn? Where’s popcorn?
  10. Humpy Dumpty had a terrible summer. However, he’s had a great fall.
  11. Do you want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I’m still working on it.
  12. A man was attacked by string instruments. It was a brutal act of violins.
  13. Q: Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators? A: Because it lifts their spirits.
  14. I wouldn’t say Poop jokes are the best jokes but they’re a solid Number 2.
  15. Could there be a worse time to have a heart attack than during a game of Charades?
  16. Could there be a more aptly named firm of divorce lawyers than Ditcher, Quick and Hyde?
  17. If you ever get an email about pork, ham, salt and preservatives, don’t open it. It’s SPAM.
  18. WIFE: I have blisters on my hands from the broom. HUSBAND: Why didn’t you use the car?
  19. I saw two guys wearing identical outfits and I just asked them if they were gay. They arrested me.
  20. Julie Andrews famously portrayed Mary Poppins in the film. Now I hear she will no longer be endorsing cheap lipstick. Apparently, it crumbles easily and makes her breath smell. In a statement she explained, “The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.”

Short Joke of the Day (21-30):

  1. If I don’t pay my exorcist, will I get repossessed?
  2. A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter’s school concert.
  3. When a cougar gets so old she needs a hearing aid, does she become a Def Leopard?
  4. I didn’t think that wearing orthopaedic shoes would make a difference but I stand corrected.
  5. My wife told me I have two faults. She said I don’t listen and some other crap she was banging on about.
  6. If I get a headache, I take two Aspirin and keep away from children, just as it recommends on the bottle.
  7. We keep having meetings at work because our boss is keen to work out why nothing productive is being done.
  8. Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? A: Pumpkin Pi
  9. I was struck on the head by a large bottle of Omega 3 capsules. Luckily the marks on me were only Super Fish Oil.
  10. A naked woman robbed the bank today. Despite the bank being full of businessmen, no one could remember her face.

Short Joke of the Day (31-40):

  1. At the bus stop, I asked the bus driver how long the next bus would be. The same length as this one, he said.
  2. Take me back to those wild pre-COVID days when we’d party hard and eat cake after someone had blown on it.
  3. I yelled “COW!” at a woman on a bike and she gave me the finger. Then she crashed her bike straight into a cow on the crossing. What can I say? I tried.
  4. I got up this morning and ran around the block five times. By then I was tired, so I picked the block up and put it back in the toy box.
  5. I’m worried my wife might be showing the first signs of Alzheimer’s. She’s just told me she can’t remember what she ever saw in me.
  6. Why is it that brain cells, skin cells and hair cells all die constantly and yet, fat cells seem to have eternal life?
  7. I accidentally wore a red shirt to shop in Target today and, to cut a long story short, I’m covering for Michelle this weekend.
  8. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm but I gave her superglue by mistake. She’s still not talking to me.
  9. I see people my age mountain climbing, whereas I get a sense of achievement just getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
  10. I need to get in shape. If I were murdered on the street today, my chalk outline would be a circle.

Short Joke of the Day (41-50):

  1. I don’t think inside the box. I don’t think outside the box either. I don’t even know where I might find the box.
  2. I wasn’t planning on going for a run today. However, those cops suddenly came out of nowhere.
  3. 90 per cent of my Google search history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell correctly.
  4. I often wonder what happened to all those people who’ve asked me for directions over the years
  5. A dentist married a manicurist. It didn’t work out. They fought constantly, tooth and nail.
  6. My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my home, then I got a lift from the delivery guy.
  7. Have you ever woken up and kissed the person next to you, then felt truly grateful to be alive? I just did and apparently, I won’t be allowed to fly with this airline again.
  8. They say love is the best feeling in the world. I disagree. There’s no better feeling than finding a public toilet when you’re out and about and suddenly struck down with diarrhoea.
  9. In the furniture store, the sales guy told me the sofa would sit five people without any problems. Then it occurred to me, I don’t know five people without any problems.
  10. I’ve been in a lot of places but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone. I’ve never been in Cognito either. I hear no one recognises you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport. You have to be driven there. I’ve made several trips.

Please share this post:

So dear reader, were these candidates for the short joke of the day as amusing as you’d hoped? Was this post worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these jokes made you smile, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you can put a smile on someone else’s face, you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, and please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then click on the links below.

Your support is appreciated, dear reader. Thank you.

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33 amusing one-liners that might just make you smile

08/25/2024 by

You might enjoy today’s post if you love witty and amusing one-liners.

There are 33 little gems here that should tickle you, at least a little.

Either that, or they might make you cringe.

Yes, it’s true, a few are corny. Nevertheless, I hope they give you a laugh.

So enjoy them all, and please feel free to pass them on.

Amusing One-liners (1-11):

  1. As a skill, sign language is quite handy.
  2. We have a chicken-proof lawn. It’s impeccable.
  3. Try running behind a car and you’ll only get exhausted.
  4. If I had a DeLorean, I’d only drive it from time to time.
  5. Elvis, my pet mouse has died. He was caught in a trap.
  6. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
  7. Knowing how to pick locks has opened a lot of doors for me.
  8. I’ve got a pen that writes underwater. It writes other words too.
  9. If towels could tell jokes, would they have a dry sense of humor?
  10. What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.
  11. Live, love and laugh. If that doesn’t work then load, aim and fire.

Amusing One-liners (12-22):

  1. Why was it so hot at the ballpark after the game? All the fans left.
  2. I switched from eating venison to pheasant. It was a game-changer.
  3. The perfect solution for keeping Brownies fresh? Eat them all in one sitting.
  4. My wife would’ve looked for her missing watch but she couldn’t find the time.
  5. The Invisible Man married an invisible woman. Their kids weren’t anything to look at either.
  6. I explained to my carpenter that I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
  7. When I was a kid, I thought Sunday School was where you learned to make ice cream.
  8. I went into a pub and ate a Ploughman’s lunch. The ploughman really wasn’t happy about it.
  9. Replace your chocolate bar with grapefruit as a snack and you can lose 90% of the joy of living.
  10. I arranged for a Russian driver to take me to the airport. His name was Pikkup Andropov.
  11. Police were called to the old folks’ home because an elderly lady was resisting a rest.

Amusing One-liners (23-33):

  1. My friend is so dumb he got fired from the Dollar store because he couldn’t remember the prices.
  2. A man was arrested after falling into a Combine Harvester whilst trying to steal it. He’s now been bailed.
  3. The sweater I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.
  4. My wife said suddenly, “You weren’t listening to me.” And I thought, “That’s a strange way to start a conversation.”
  5. I don’t mind coming to work each day. It’s the eight-hour wait before I can go home that I’m not keen on.
  6. A guy has been stealing shirts at the Shopping Mall in order of size. Apparently, he’s still at large.
  7. My wife’s been telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. She says it’s all about raisin awareness.
  8. There was a time when cosmetic surgery was a taboo subject. Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
  9. I asked the librarian where I could find books on Paranoia. She leaned in towards me and whispered quietly, “They’re right behind you!”
  10. A man walks into a hardware store and picks up a can fly spray. “Is this good for wasps,” he asks. “No, it kills them,” the cashier responded.
  11. Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Whereas married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

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Were these one-liners amusing? Did they make you smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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21 brilliant one-liner quotes that are sharp and witty

08/24/2024 by

Here are 21 brilliant one-liner quotes for you today.

I’m confident that at least some of them will make you smile.

Certainly, they made me smile.

Enjoy them all.

And please feel free to pass them on.

Brilliant one-liner quotes (1-10):

  1. I did have a handle on life, but it’s broken.
  2. No, I can’t offer you a solution, but I can offer a sarcastic remark.
  3. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.
  4. I don’t like jokes about the unemployed because none of them works.
  5. Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.
  6. Every organisation is perfectly designed to get the results they’re getting.
  7. Do people really practise yoga every day? It sounds like a bit of a stretch to me.
  8. If you think television can insult your intelligence, nothing rubs it in like a computer.
  9. I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.
  10. Letting go of a loved one is hard unless you’re trying to survive a rock-climbing accident.

Brilliant one-liner quotes (11-21):

  1. Have you heard about the new game for Generation Z kids’? It’s called ‘I spy with my little iPhone’.
  2. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  3. Worrying can solve your problems. I know because 99 per cent of the things I worry about never happen.
  4. Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
  5. I was knocked off the donkey I was riding when someone threw a rock at me. I was literally stoned off my ass.
  6. You might be tempted to fight fire with fire, but remember that the fire department prefers to use water.
  7. If you give a man a fish you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you’ve saved yourself a fish, haven’t you?
  8. I’m told money can’t buy me happiness but, surely being miserable in a Mercedes beats being miserable on the bus?
  9. So, what, if the early bird gets the worm? It’s better to be the second mouse and get the cheese. Worm or cheese? No contest!
  10. A ghost walked into a bar and ordered a shot of Jack Daniel’s. The bartender said, ‘I’m sorry buddy but we don’t serve spirits in here.’
  11. If you want proof that light travels faster than sound, you only have to look at people who appear bright until they open their mouths.

Please share this post with your friends:

Did any of these brilliant one-liner quotes make you smile, dear reader? I hope so. And if they did, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Thank you for your support.

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60 we were so poor jokes that’ll make you smile

07/11/2024 by

Every parent likes to tell their children stories about how tough life was in their youth. You kids today have a life filled with fancy vacations and designer clothes, but it was tougher for us, they’ll say? So, here are 60 amusing “we were so poor jokes” about the imagined realities of growing up in days gone by when people were flat-out broke. People looking back with a slightly romanticized notion of yesteryear.

Get ready to smile at the sheer ingenuity of those who came from humble beginnings.

And feel free to pass on these little gems.

We were so poor jokes (1-10):

We were so poor, we couldn’t afford to dream.

We were so poor, our Christmas tree was a twig.

We were so poor we had to reuse birthday candles.

We were so poor, we couldn’t even afford to get lost.

We were so poor, we couldn’t afford to pay attention.

We were so poor even our pet dog only had three legs.

We were so poor our rainbows were in black and white.

We were so poor we used to wash our clothes in the rain.

We were so poor our TV only had two channels: on and off.

We were so poor we even had to eat our toenail clippings.

We were so poor jokes (11-20):

We were so poor a brush was something you had with the law.

We were so poor a burner was a cell phone used for nefarious activities.

We were so poor that anything was legal, as long as you didn’t get caught.

We were so poor a window was an opportunity to steal when no one was home.

We were so poor an iron was a metal bar you’d use to defend what little you had.

We were so poor a comb meant a police search of our house looking for illicit contraband.

We were so poor a ring was something that had to deal with the consequences of a bad diet.

We were so poor a tie was an item used to secure something valuable to prevent it being stolen.

We were so poor and hungry that even the termites were too terrified to come to our house lest they be eaten.

We were so poor a handle was something you had on a subject you needed to know a lot about, like what you can get away with if you were careful.

We were so poor jokes (21-30):

We were so poor we had to use both sides of the toilet paper.

We were so poor our allowance was paid in Monopoly money.

We were so poor we had to share a bed with our neighbours.

We were so poor we had to use the cat as a hot water bottle.

We were so poor even the tooth fairy left us discount coupons.

We were so poor we couldn’t afford to turn the page in a book.

We were so poor our family vacation was a trip to our backyard.

We were so poor even the holes in our shoes had holes in them.

We were so poor we had to use the phone book as a booster seat.

We were so poor we couldn’t even afford a cardboard box to live in.

We were so poor jokes (31-40):

We were so poor that we only got to eat fast food if we caught a rabbit.

We were so poor our family portrait was a matchstick figure drawing.

We were so poor, we could only afford to listen to Simon or Garfunkel.

We were so poor a treat was going to KFC to lick other people’s fingers.

We were so poor my parents used to cut coupons for birthday presents.

We were so poor the only time I ever flew on a plane was in my dreams.

We were so poor we had to eat breakfast cereal with a fork to save the milk.

We were so poor making a fashion statement was wearing mismatched socks.

We were so poor entertainment was watching our neighbours mow their lawn.

We were so poor a runner was something you did when you couldn’t pay the bill.

We were so poor jokes (41-50):

We were so poor we didn’t have cups we had to drink out of a rolled up newspaper.

We were so poor we lived in a house so small, I had to go outside to change my mind.

We were so poor our idea of entertainment was watching food rotate in the microwave.

We were so poor for Christmas we got a box of rocks with the instruction, “Be creative!“

We were so poor our idea of a comfortable bed was finding a carpeted floor to sleep on.

We were so poor getting away in the summer was going for a long walk in the local park.

We were so poor our idea of a designer handbag was a grocery bag with a Walmart logo.

We were so poor we didn’t have a doorbell, visitors to our house just had to yell “Ding Dong!”

We were so poor I had to wear my sister’s hand-me-downs, and she was a year younger than me.

We were so poor our idea of dining in a fancy restaurant was a trip to McDonalds, but only on payday.

We were so poor jokes (51-60):

We were so poor a fork was something you found in the road.

We were so poor we had to save the gas from our farts and sell it as lighter fuel.

We were so poor the nearest we ever got to a jacuzzi was eating a plate of beans before taking a bath.

We were so poor our family motto was “Use it up, wear it out, make do, or go without.” Mostly the last one.

We were so poor Santa used to leave us a note saying, “Due to economic difficulties, presents are on backorder.”

We were so poor our experience of fireworks displays was watching our neighbours light theirs through a hole in the fence.

We were so poor I used to think double date meant convincing another friend to come along so we could split the cost of the pizza.

We were so poor my parents insisted anything I wanted had to be paid for with chores. So, if I wanted dinner I had to wash the car.

We were so poor the only time we went to an amusement park was on a school trip where the highlight was the free water fountain.

We were so poor my parents would talk loudly on our porch about the gangsters they knew in the hope that it would scare away the repoman.

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32 witty, one-liner jokes about getting old to make you smile

07/04/2024 by

Looking for some jokes about getting old, dear reader? Well, today I can offer you 32 of them.

Whether you’re young or old, I’m sure you’ll be able to relate to a few of them.

I hope you enjoy them all and I hope they make you smile. Certainly, they all made me smile.

And remember this; we all get older, but getting old is a state of mind much more than anything else. You don’t have to let the old man or woman in.

Anyway, take a few moments to read them all and then pass them on.

Jokes about getting old:

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

Women rarely admit their age; men rarely act it.

I’m so old that my first car was a covered wagon.

How come everyone my age seems older than me?

I’m at the age where I can’t keep up with all the things I hate.

A wise man remembers a woman’s birthday but never her age.

I’m so old, I can remember when emojis were called hieroglyphics.

Regular naps will prevent old age, especially if taken while driving.

Ageing gracefully is the polite way of saying you’re slowly looking worse.

You know you’re old when dining out means catching the early bird special.

We were so poor growing up we could only listen to Simon or Garfunkel.

You know you’re old when people call at 9 pm and ask, “Did I wake you?”

I believe in loyalty. So, when I got to a certain age, I decided to stick with it.

My wife’s so vain, she’d rather pay full price than admit she’s a senior citizen.

I’d like to say I’m ageing like fine wine, but in my case, it’s more like a fine banana.

I like older women because they’re used to life’s disappointments, so they’re ready for me.

When you’re old, getting lucky is walking into a room and remembering exactly why you’re there.

Old age is when your old classmates are so grey, wrinkled, and bald that they no longer recognize you.

If it’s your birthday today, you should congratulate yourself. Especially if you’re still able to remember it.

The older I get, the more cults make perfect sense. Do you know how hard it is to make friends as an adult?

You know you’re getting old when you have more candles on your cake than friends at your birthday party.

The skill of the diplomat is the ability to tell someone to go to Hell in such a way that they’ll look forward to the trip.

Old age is when you’re faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by nine o’clock.

The best moment of a woman’s life isn’t giving birth, it’s seeing an old adversary and realizing how fat and ugly she is now.

When you’re young, you make a lot of noise just having fun. When you’re old, you make even more noise just bending over.

I wanted to look distinguished in my old age, so I grew a beard. Turns out the statement I’m making is more like, “Discount, please, I’m a senior!”

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive. Fortunately, my older brother told me about it.

When I was young, I did stupid things because I didn’t know any better. Now I know better, I still do stupid things, but I can’t help it.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then I remember that death will be normal for my age at some point.

I’ve reached the age where looking in the mirror is like checking the news. I know there’ll be some new developments I won’t like.

When you’re young, embarrassment is forgetting to zip up your fly. When you’re old, embarrassment is forgetting to unzip your fly.

As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right one for me.

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Dear reader, did these jokes about getting old make you smile? I do hope so.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. I’m confident that you’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read today, please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. And you’ll be helping an aspiring blog to reach a wider audience.

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30 funny dating profile examples or how not to write one

06/23/2024 by

funny dating profile examplesIn days gone by the dating game was simple. You went to a dance on a Saturday night and, with a bit of luck, you met someone nice who was willing to see you again.

Obviously, the modern dating scene is very different. The age of the dating app makes the process difficult, insofar as you don’t get to meet someone unless they like what they see and what you have to say in your profile.

So you need a flattering photo, naturally, as well as a great sales pitch. And it really needs to be a sales pitch because you are actually trying to sell yourself to any potential dates who are checking out your profile.

A good sales pitch should highlight your unique selling proposition and the reasons why you’re a worthy date. Your words should be positive and scream “I’m a great catch, so grab me whilst I’m still available.” In short, your words should be a call to action.

Any decent salesperson could tell you this, so there’s nothing unique in what I’m saying here. You’d think it was obvious, wouldn’t you?

Following a close inspection of a few dating apps, I can tell you that there are plenty of people out there who haven’t helped themselves when they wrote their profiles.

However, whilst such people don’t necessarily do themselves any favours with their profiles, their words have the potential to make us all laugh.

So here are 30 funny dating profile examples that really made me smile. These are from real apps, albeit I wonder whether some were written tongue-in-cheek.

Funny dating profile examples (1-15):

  1. Miserable soul looking for love.
  2. Recovering alcoholic seeking soul mate.
  3. My life’s a car crash, can you make it better?
  4. I’ve just got the all-clear, so I’m ready for love again.
  5. Manic depressive looking for a nice girl to cheer him up.
  6. If you’ve got a fetish for body odour then I’m your man.
  7. I hate men but could you be the one to change my mind?
  8. So far, I’ve had 60 lovers at college, will you be my 61st?
  9. Looking for someone to pay my bills and take care of me.
  10. If you’ll be my meal ticket I’ll be your pampered princess.
  11. My relationships never work out but I’m willing to try again.
  12. Angry bitch looking for that special one to make his life hell.
  13. Don’t think of me as bald, think hairstyle that says minimalism.
  14. If you can handle a drama Queen then I could be the one for you.
  15. Served my sentence for assault and battery. Now looking for love.

Funny dating profile examples (16-30):

  1. If you’ll cook, clean and do my ironing then you’re the girl for me.
  2. I enjoy long walks and candlelit dinners and someone to pay the bill.
  3. Bad teeth, bad breath, body odour and acne but otherwise a great catch.
  4. Had my fun and I’ve got three kids to prove it. So what can you offer me?
  5. If you’re looking for a fixer-upper then I could be the challenge you need.
  6. As long as I always get my own way in every situation, I can be flexible.
  7. I hate everyone, so why should I like you? You’ll need a good story to tell.
  8. If you’re looking for a bird with a lot of troublesome baggage, then I’m your girl.
  9. My mother will always be my first priority but if that works for a girl like you, swipe right.
  10. If you’re looking for someone considerate, kind and caring then you’d better swipe left.
  11. I’ve got all the looks, charm and intelligence anyone could possibly want and I’m modest too.
  12. With three kids and one on the way, I’m looking for a father for them. Could you be the one?
  13. I can be difficult, jealous, sarcastic and moody. Could you be the one to make me happy?
  14. You could be my downtime, my spare time, my part-time, and my sometime. Someone I turn to when I’ve nothing better to do.
  15. Bald man with no job, no money, no prospects and living with his parents is looking for a good woman with her own house and car. Could you be the one?

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So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these funny dating profile examples made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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Thank you for your support.

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30 one-line jokes corny enough to make you smile

04/09/2024 by

Here are 30 one-line jokes that are corny enough to make you smile. They’re all full groan but I’m confident you’ll like them. Well, just a little, at least.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to pass them on.

One-line Jokes (1-10):

  1. If an octopus wins the war, does that mean it was well-armed?
  2. If a cow doesn’t produce milk, does that mean it’s an udder failure?
  3. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, does that mean it’s a success?
  4. If you steal a calendar, does that mean you get twelve months?
  5. If a turtle loses its shell, does that mean it’s homeless or just naked?
  6. If a ghost gets lost in the fog, does that mean it’s mist?
  7. If you eat a meal in space, does that mean your food is out of this world?
  8. If a snowman gets angry, does that mean he has a meltdown?
  9. If you eat clownfish, does that mean you find things funnier?
  10. If a mime artist is arrested, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

One-line Jokes (11-20):

  1. If you try to fail and succeed, does that mean you’ve done both or neither?
  2. If a clock is still hungry, does that mean it goes back four seconds?
  3. If a cemetery raises its prices, does that get reflected in the cost of living?
  4. If you’re addicted to brake fluid, does that mean you can stop at any time?
  5. If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does that mean the rest follow?
  6. If you buy a bigger bed, do you have more bedroom or less?
  7. If an electric car runs out of power, does that mean it’s exhausted?
  8. If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still listen to his iPhone?
  9. If a psychic knows the future, does that mean they can always pick the winner in the Grand National?
  10. If a cloud has a silver lining, does that mean it pays taxes?

One-line Jokes (21-30):

  1. If a pair of binoculars wins the lottery, do they see double the money?
  2. If a mime artist wins an award, does he get a standing ovation?
  3. If a book about paranoia falls off a shelf, does that mean someone’s watching?
  4. If a conspiracy theorist wins the state lottery, does that prove the government is fixing things?
  5. If a chameleon walks into a bar, does the bartender say, “Hey, I’ve not seen you around!”
  6. If a diary loses a page, does that mean it has a short month?
  7. If a vacuum cleaner sucks at its job, does that mean it gets fired?
  8. If a pair of headphones gets tangled, does it mean they’re in a complicated relationship?
  9. If a cloud is crying, does that mean it will rain cats and dogs?
  10. If a lightbulb gets an idea, does it suddenly shine brighter?

Please share this post with your friends:

If you enjoyed these corny one-line jokes, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share it now. If you can do that for me, I’d be forever grateful.

Then, if you fancy some more laughs, click the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

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