5 brilliant contenders for hilarious joke of the day

12/04/2023 by

HILARIOUS JOKE OF THE DAYIf you’re looking for some brilliant contenders for hilarious joke of the day then I’ve got five little gems for you here today. I’m confident they’ll all make you smile.

So enjoy them all and please feel free to share them with your friends.

Hilarious joke of the day:

1. The Pull-Over:

Jim Murphy is a Texas State trooper patrolling the highway, and he pulls over a car for speeding on Interstate 35, about 15 miles north of Austin.

Officer Murphy approaches the car and asks the driver why he was speeding.

The driver gets out of his car, and he’s very apologetic. 

“I’m sorry, officer,” says the driver, “but I’m a magician and juggler, and I’m late for a show in Temple. If I don’t make it on time, I won’t get paid.”

“Sir, this might be your lucky day,” says Officer Murphy, “because I love to watch juggling. So, if you can demonstrate some impressive juggling skills, then I won’t give you a ticket.”

“Oh, officer,” says the driver, “I can’t do that because my equipment has been sent on ahead and I don’t have anything to juggle.”

“Well,” says Officer Murphy, “I have some flares in the trunk of my car; could you juggle them?”

“Sure!” says the driver.

So Officer Murphy gets five flares from the trunk, lights them all, and hands them to the driver.

The driver then starts to juggle the flares with considerable skill.

While doing so, another car pulls in behind the State trooper’s car. 

A drunken good old boy from Georgetown staggers out of this car, watches the juggling momentarily, and then staggers over to Officer Murphy’s car, opens the rear door, and climbs in. 

Officer Murphy watches him briefly and then goes over to his car and asks this guy what he thinks he’s doing.

“You might as well haul my butt off to the jail officer,” says the drunk. “There’s no way I can pass that test right now.”

2. Grumpy old man:

Dick and Doris are on a road trip on Interstate 5 from Sacramento to Albany, California.

They stop at a roadside diner for lunch.

After finishing their lunch, they leave the diner and continue on their journey to Albany. 

As they leave the diner, Doris forgetfully leaves her spectacles on the table. 

They’re driving along for about 45 minutes before Doris suddenly realises that she’s left her spectacles behind.

“Dick!” Doris exclaims, “I left my spectacles on the table in the diner. I can’t be without them. We’ll have to go back.”

Dick is really not happy about this, particularly as it’s another 20 minutes before they reach a junction where they can turn around and head back to the diner.

“Doris,” said Dick, “I can never rely on you to get anything right, can I? We’ve added two hours to our journey just because you couldn’t remember your spectacles.”

For the entire journey back to the diner, Dick bitched and moaned in stereotypical grumpy old man fashion, blaming poor Doris for everything that was wrong in the world.

The more Dick chided her, the angrier he got, and he didn’t let up for a single minute until eventually they reached the diner.

As Doris got out of the car, she said, “I’ll be very quick, Dick; just bear with me for one minute.”

Responding grumpily, Dick said, “Well, while you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card I left behind.”

3. The Pope visits Liverpool:

The Pope’s on a visit to Liverpool and he’s handing out miracles to kids in a poor neighbourhood.

A young teenager named Jack walks up to him and says, “Holy Father, could you help me with my hearing?”

The Pope says, “Yes, of course, my son.” He then puts his hands on Jack’s ears and starts praying.

After a few moments, the Pope removes his hands from Jack’s ears and says, “How’s your hearing now, my son?”

“I don’t know, Holy Father,” says Jack. “I’m not up in court until Thursday.”

4. The elevator ride:

An old lady gets into an elevator on the ground floor of the Empire State Building in Manhattan.

On the very next floor, a young, well-dressed, and beautiful woman gets into the elevator smelling of very expensive perfume.

The young woman smiles at the old lady and notices she’s sniffing at the fragrance in the air. So the young woman says, a little arrogantly, “Do you like it? It’s Dolce & Gabbana Dolce Eau de Parfum Spray, and it’s $122.00 a bottle.”

The old lady returns her smile but says nothing.

A couple of floors further up, the elevator stops again, and in comes another beautiful young woman, once again smelling of expensive perfume.

As the old lady is once again sniffing at the fragrance in the air, this young woman smiles and says, “Do you like it? It’s Atelier Bloem Nieuw Amsterdam Eau de Parfum, and it’s $195.00 a bottle.”

Once again, the old lady returns her smile but says nothing.

Ten floors further up, the old lady is about to reach her destination when she can’t stop herself from dropping an ass blast loudly, and there’s the most terrible smell.

As she’s leaving the elevator and noticing the look on their faces, the old lady smiles at her two fellow passengers and says, “Do you like it? Broccoli. 48 cents a pound.”

5. The cab driver and the nun:

A cab driver picks up a nun on Central Park West.

The cab driver can’t help staring at his passenger.

“Why are you staring at me?” asked the nun.

“Well, Sister,” says the cab driver, “I’ve always had this fantasy to kiss a nun.”

The nun smiles at him and says, ”I can only kiss you if you’re single and Catholic.”

“That’s lucky,” says the cab driver. “I’m both!”

So they agree to pull over into an alley, and the nun proceeds to kiss the driver in a way that would make a lady of the night blush.

As they continue on their journey, the cab driver starts feeling guilty.

“Sister,” says the cab driver, “I have a confession to make.”

“And what would that be?” asks the nun.

“I lied to you,” says the cab driver. “I’m married, and I’m Jewish.”

“That’s OK,” says the nun. “My name’s Keith, and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”

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HILARIOUS JOKE OF THE DAYSo, dear reader, would any of these contenders be your hilarious joke of the day? Certainly, I hope they all made you laugh.

Perhaps you’d like some more laughs?

If so, please click on the links below.

And if you did enjoy this post, then please share it with your friends on social media.

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23 witty short jokes to tickle you and brighten your day

12/01/2023 by

WITTY SHORT JOKESIf you’re looking for some witty short jokes to make you smile, then here are 23 that I hope will brighten your day.

There’s nothing like a good laugh to make the day feel brighter. Well, I think so, anyway.

So, enjoy the fun, and then please pass them on.

Witty Short Jokes:

  1. I saw a robbery in an Apple Store. Does that make me an iWitness?
  2. Q: Does February like March? A: No, but April May
  3. I have a fear of long distances, so I go to great lengths to avoid them.
  4. Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: Ground beef.
  5. If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
  6. Q: What did the snowman say to the customer? A: Have an ice day!
  7. Milk is the fastest liquid on earth. It’s pasteurized before you even see it!
  8. Q: Why do seals swim in saltwater? A: Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
  9. I had a fear of speed bumps but I slowly got over it
  10. Q: When does a duck wake up? A: At the quack of dawn.
  11. My girlfriend left me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I don’t have any.
  12. Q: How does an Elephant get out of a tree? A: It sits on a leaf and waits till the Fall.
  13. I don’t normally tell Dad jokes, but when I do, he always laughs.
  14. Q: Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A: A convict.
  15. I went to my doctor to see why I had such an excessive fear of snakes. He said I have a reptile dysfunction.
  16. Q: What do you call a reindeer with no eyes? A: No eye deer.
  17. A girl in the office asked me if I had a date for Valentine’s Day. I told her it’s always February 14th, as far as I know.
  18. Q: What vegetable was forbidden on the ships of Arctic explorers? A: Leeks!
  19. An old man is struck by a car and brought to the hospital. A nurse enters his room and says, “Sir, are you comfortable?” The old man replies, “I make a nice living.”
  20. Q: What do you give to a pumpkin who’s trying to quit smoking? A: A pumpkin patch!
  21. I have a fear of overly designed buildings. It’s a complex complex complex.
  22. Q: What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? A: Snowballs!
  23. I saw a math book and a dictionary on a date last night. They looked like they had good chemistry!

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WITTY SHORT JOKESSo, dear reader, did you find these witty short jokes as amusing as you’d hoped? Certainly, I hope they all made you laugh.

Perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, please click on the links below.

And if you did enjoy this post then please share it with your friends on social media. When you share witty jokes, surely everyone’s a winner?

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Thank you.

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3 Side-splitting Jokes about Heaven and Hell

08/02/2023 by

SIDE-SPLITTING JOKESIf you’re in need of a laugh then take a look at these three side-splitting jokes about Heaven and Hell. They all made me laugh, so I hope they entertain you too, dear reader.

Enjoy them all.

Side-splitting Jokes:

1. Heavenly transportation:

New Yorkers Frank, George and Vinny are killed in a tragic car crash in Manhattan.

The three friends arrive at the entrance to the Pearly Gates and there is St Peter waiting for them.

After the initial pleasantries, St Peter says, “Gentlemen, Heaven is an enormous place, so you will need transport to get around. And I have to tell you now that the type of transport you will be allocated will depend on how faithful you were to your wives.”

He then turns to Frank and says, “Francis, how faithful were you to your dear wife?”

“I never strayed once”, says Frank. “From the day we met until my dying day, she was the only woman with whom I slept and I loved her very much.”

“Most impressive Francis”, says St Peter. “Such fidelity is worthy of a new $13 million Rolls-Royce Sweptail and here are the keys. You’ll find your car in the parking lot just inside the Pearly Gates.”

Turning to George, St Peter said, “And how faithful have you been George?”

George hesitated momentarily and then said, “I must be honest and tell you that I did have a brief affair with my secretary about 20 years ago. It was the only time I cheated and I did regret it. I love my wife and after that brief lapse I was faithful to her until my dying day.”

“Very well”, said St Peter. “You made one mistake but otherwise you were of good character. Your reward now is a Chevrolet Bolt. Here are your keys and you’ll find the car in the parking lot inside the Gates.”

St Peter then turned to Vinny and said, “So Vincent, were you as well-behaved as your friends?”

Vinny looked a little embarrassed as he responded. “St Peter, if I’m honest I was a womanizer and I’ve had more sexual encounters than I can remember. However, I did love my wife and I would never have left her.”

St Peter frowned as he responded, “Vincent your behaviour was less than exemplary but you did at least say you loved your wife and never left her, so that counts for something. Therefore I will give you a top-of-the-range mountain bike to enable you to get around. You’ll find it in the cycle rack inside the Gates.”

The three friends then spent the next few weeks travelling around in Heaven getting to know the place.

One day as Vinny was cycling along Heaven’s highway he saw a Rolls Royce Sweptail parked by the side of the road. As he got close, he could see Frank sitting in the driver’s seat sobbing.

“Hey buddy, what’s the matter?” said Vinny. “You’ve been driving a beautiful Rolls Royce. What could possibly be wrong?”

“I know”, said Frank, “but I’ve just seen my wife go past on a skateboard.”

2. The reward for a life of sin:

Three drinking buddies, Bill, Jim and Cyril died in a plane crash on the way to Las Vegas and they all found themselves in Hell.

No sooner had they walked through the Gates of Hell than they found themselves staring at a series of doors.

Bill opened the first door and out stepped a really ugly woman, her face covered in hideous warts.

The voice of the Devil then boomed out, “William, you have been a sinner and so you are condemned to spend eternity in bed with this poor woman.”

The woman then took Bill by the hand and led him through the door he’d opened to suffer his punishment.

Jim and Cyril naturally were feeling very apprehensive at this point.

However, Jim plucked up the courage to open the second door which revealed a woman who was even uglier than the first one. She was a grinning, toothless hag with a hunched back and a bad case of body odour.

Again the voice of the Devil then boomed out, “James, you too have sinned and so you are condemned to spend eternity in bed with this wretched woman.”

The woman then took Jim by the hand and led him through the door to suffer his punishment.

Naturally, at this point, Cyril was a nervous wreck as he was about to open the third door.

He feared the worst, although he knew he hadn’t been much of a sinner so he hoped it wouldn’t be another hag.

Cyril was pleasantly surprised when out stepped a beautiful blond in a very brief bikini.

“Wow!” thought Cyril.

Then the Devil’s voice boomed, “Maria, you have been a sinner so you are condemned to spend eternity with this hideous, wretched man.”

3. Hoping for a miracle:

Bernard was a deeply religious man and one day he found himself trapped on the roof of his house following a terrible flood after the worst storms in living memory.

After an hour or so a man came by in a boat and shouted to Bernard, “Get in!”

“No”, said Bernard, “I have faith in God. He will ensure my safety.”

Soon the water had completely submerged Bernard’s house and it was lapping around his waist.

Suddenly another man came by in a boat and shouted, “Get in!”

“No”, said Bernard, “I have faith in God. He will ensure my safety.”

Another hour went by and the water was now lapping around Bernard’s chest.

Yet another boat came along and a man shouted to Bernard, “Get in!”

“No”, said Bernard, “I have faith in God. He will ensure my safety.”

Well, the water kept on rising and it was now up around his neck when a helicopter appeared and down came a ladder. The crewman on the ladder shouted to Bernard, “Hey buddy, climb up!”

“No”, said Bernard, “I have faith in God. He will ensure my safety.”

Another hour went by and the next thing Bernard knew he was standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St Peter.

At this point, Bernard felt very disheartened as he said to St Peter, “I feel completely let down. I truly believed God would save me.”

“Be fair”, said St Peter, “We did send you three boats and a helicopter.”

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quotes about changeI hope you found these jokes truly side-splitting dear reader.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh. If so click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

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5 short funny story jokes to brighten your day

06/26/2023 by

SHORT FUNNY STORY JOKESHere are five short funny story jokes to brighten your day. They all tickled me and I hope they make you smile too.

Short funny story jokes:

1. Birthday surprise:

Mike was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife Jill, who was looking at herself in the mirror.

Since Jill’s birthday was not too far off, Mike asked her what she’d like to have for her birthday.

“I’d like to be eight again,” Jill replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of Jill’s Birthday, Mike got up early and made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops.

After breakfast, Mike took Jill to the Adventure World theme park.

What a day they had. Mike put Jill on every thrilling ride in the park. First, it was the Death Slide, then the Wall of Fear, then the Log Flume and finally the Screaming Roller Coaster. And after the rides, they went to see the Dolphin Show.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park, exhausted.

Jill’s head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

However, Mike wasn’t finished. He then took Jill to McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to see a Disney movie, with popcorn, soda pop, and her favourite candy. Mike hoped Jill would see it all as a fabulous adventure and a bit like being eight again.

Finally, they staggered home and collapsed into bed, tired and weary.

At this point, Mike leaned over to Jill with a big smile on his face and asked lovingly, “Well dear, what was it like being eight again?”

Her eyes opened slowly, one at a time, and her expression changed suddenly.

“I was referring to my dress size, you idiot,” Jill responded sarcastically

Moral of the Story: Even if a man’s listening, he’ll still get it wrong.

2. Cross-eyed Cattle:

One day, a Texan farmer, old Bert McKinley, was tending his beloved cattle on his ranch. As he was checking them all carefully, he noticed that one of the animals had gone completely cross-eyed.

So he asked a veterinarian friend of his to come over to the ranch to take a look at the cow, to see whether anything could be done.

The vet soon arrived and, having taken one quick look at the cow, he removed a long rubber tube from his bag and then inserted it into the cow’s butt. He then began blowing hard into the tube until the cow’s eyes began to straighten out.

The vet then charged the old farmer a hundred dollars for his work and went on his way.

About a week later, farmer McKinley was working with one of his ranch hands when he noticed that the same cow was cross-eyed again.

Having seen how the vet had corrected the problem, farmer McKinley decided he could save one hundred dollars by doing the work himself.

So he asked the ranch hand to get him a length of rubber tubing and together they inserted it into the animal’s butt.

The farmer then put his lips to the tube and started to blow as hard as he could.

Unfortunately, nothing happened. So farmer McKinley asked his ranch hand to give it a try.

Before he did anything, the ranch hand removed the tube from the animal, turned it around, and then put re-inserted it into the cow’s butt.

As the ranch hand was about to start blowing, the old farmer said, “What are you doing?“

“Well,” said the ranch hand, “It wouldn’t be very hygienic to use the side that you used with your lips.“

3. Lateral thinking:

A game warden is doing his rounds around the lake when he spots a guy carrying what appears to be a bucket full of fish.

“Hey, buddy,” shouts the game warden. “Do you have a valid permit to catch those fish?”

“No, sir, I don’t have a permit,” the guy responds sheepishly. “But, these are my own pet fish.”

“PET FISH?” the game warden exclaims. “What the hell do you mean, pet fish?”

“Well, back home I only have a tiny pond in my yard,” says the guy. “So, every night I bring them down here to allow them to swim around and get some exercise. I give them half an hour then I whistle, and they all jump back in the bucket.”

“What a load of baloney,” says the game warden. “Fish are not like dogs. They don’t respond to someone whistling.”

The guy thinks hard momentarily and then he says, “I can show you if you like.”

“Really?” says the game warden, quizzically. “Right, Whistling Jack Smith, you show me!”

So, they walk back down to the lake and the guy tips the bucket and pours the fish back into the water.

He then stands there for what seems like an age.

Eventually, wondering what’s going on, the game warden says, “Well?”

“Well, what?” the guy responds.

“Call them back,” says the game warden.

“Call who back,” says the guy.

“The fish!” says the game warden, getting increasingly exasperated.

“Fish?” the guy responds, looking a little puzzled. “What fish?”

Moral of the Story: To prove guilt, you’ll need evidence.

4. The blind man:

Two nuns were asked by the Mother Superior to paint the common room in the convent.

Now they were under strict instructions from the Mother Superior to ensure that they didn’t get paint on their habits.

So, as they were painting behind a closed door, they decided to carry out their work completely naked.

They were working away, making really good progress, when suddenly there was a knock on the door.

“Who is it?” Sister Bernadette shouted.

“It’s the blind man,” came the reply.

The two nuns looked at each other and agreed that if the man was blind, the fact that they were naked shouldn’t make any difference.

So, Sister Bernadette went over to open the door.

“Wow!” the guy exclaims, “Great body, sister! Where do you want me to put the blinds?”

Moral of the Story: Making assumptions can prove costly.

5. The IRS Audit:

Jim Mooney has been retired for a few years when suddenly he received a summons one day from the IRS.

He’s been selected randomly for a tax audit, so he decides it might be wise if he takes his attorney with him.

Unsurprised by the attorney’s presence, the IRS auditor explains the procedure and then says to Jim, “Mr Mooney, we have been reviewing your affairs and it appears that you have an extravagant lifestyle and yet you’re not in full-time employment nor do you have any other obvious sources of income. You’ve explained this by saying that you win money gambling. Well, sir, I have to tell you, the IRS doesn’t believe that’s a credible explanation.”

“Well I am a skilled gambler,” says Jim, “and I can prove it to you if you’re willing to participate in a wager with me.”

The IRS auditor considers this proposition momentarily and then says, “Yes, I’m willing to give that a try, so go ahead.”

“Right,” says Jim, “I’ll bet you one thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The IRS auditor considers this carefully and decides that it’s impossible.

“OK then Mr Mooney,” he says, “You have a bet.”

At this point, and to the IRS auditor’s great surprise, Jim removes his glass eye and then bites it.

The auditor sits there in stunned silence,

Jim then says, “I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

Mr Mooney isn’t blind, so he can’t have another glass eye thinks the auditor. That’s got to be impossible, surely? So, the auditor accepts the bet.

So, Jim removes his dentures and then bites his good eye.

The auditor is stunned, once again, as he now realizes he’s lost three grand and Jim has his attorney as a witness. Naturally, the auditor is starting to get a little nervous.

“Want to go again?” asks Jim

“What do you have in mind now?” asks the auditor.

Jim smiles and says, “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on this side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket next to your chair, without a single drop going anywhere in between.”

The auditor, realising now that he’s dealing with a wily old fox, is feeling very cautious. However he thinks carefully about the proposition and he decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees.

Jim stands in front of the desk, lowers his zipper, and strains mightily but the trajectory of his pee fails to reach the wastebasket and splashes all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor is both ecstatic and relieved. He’s just turned a major loss into a huge win for him.

However, Jim’s attorney shouts out in obvious pain and puts his head in his hands face-down on the auditor’s desk.

 “What’s the matter?” asked the auditor.

“When my client asked me to attend this audit today,” the attorney responded, “he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

Moral of the Story: Don’t mess with old folks!

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, did you find these funny story jokes as amusing as you’d hoped? Certainly, I hope they all made you laugh.

Perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, please click on the links below.

And if you did enjoy this post then please share it with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone’s a winner.

Your support is truly appreciated.

Thank you.

More fun you might enjoy:

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5 funny short stories for seniors that’ll raise a smile

06/25/2023 by

FUNNY SHORT STORIES FOR SENIORSHere are five funny short stories for seniors that should raise a smile or two. They all made me laugh and I hope they brighten your day too.

Funny Short Stories for Seniors:

1. Fading memories:

An elderly couple, George and Mildred, began to notice that they were getting a lot more forgetful in their old age. Naturally, they thought it might be a good idea to discuss the problem with their doctor.

The doctor reassured them that this was quite a common experience for people as they got older and he suggested that they should start writing things down so they don’t forget.

When they got home, Mildred asked George to get her a bowl of ice cream from the kitchen refrigerator.

“Should I write that down for you, George?” she said.

“No, Mildred. I’m sure I’ll remember a bowl of ice cream,” George responded.

“OK, George,” said Mildred “but I want some whipped cream with my ice cream too. Should I write that down?”

“No,” said George. “I’ll remember. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.“

“George, I’d love a cherry on top too,” said Mildred. “Should I write that down?”

“No, I got it,” said George. “You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.”

So George disappears into the kitchen to get the ice cream and he then spends an unusually long time there before returning about 40 minutes later.

He returns to the living room and hands Mildred a plate of eggs and bacon.

Mildred stares at the plate momentarily and then she looks at George.

“Where’s the toast?” she asks.

2. Pronunciation problem:

Jeff and Mary, a middle-aged couple, are driving through Louisiana when they come to the small city of Natchitoches.

Neither of them had ever been there before and they started arguing about how the name of the city is pronounced.

Needless to say, both of them thought they knew best and they kept on bickering until eventually, they decided to stop for lunch.

At the counter, Jeff smiled at the pretty, young waitress and said, “Mam, before we order, could you help us settle an argument, please?”

The young waitress smiled and said, “Sure! How can I help you, honey?”

“Could you please pronounce where we are right now, very slowly?” said Jeff.

The young waitress leaned over the counter and said, “Yes sir! It’s Burrr-gerrr Kiiing.“

3. Cash withdrawal:

A guy goes into his bank and withdraws $5,000 cash in $20 bills.

The teller counts out the cash in front of him and then wraps a rubber band around the cash bundle before she hands it to him.

He quickly stuffs the wad of cash in his pocket before leaving the bank in a hurry.

When he reaches his car, he puts his hand in his pocket to grab the cash but it’s not there. He hadn’t been close enough to anyone for his pocket to have been picked, so he realised the cash must have fallen through a hole in his jacket.

All he can do is retrace his steps.

He gets all the way back to his bank and there’s an elderly lady on the street who says to him, “Sir, did you lose some cash bound with a rubber band?”

“Why yes mam, I did,” says the guy. “Have you found it?”

“Well,” said the lady, “I’ve found the rubber band.”

4. Rules of engagement:

Mack and Mabel are an elderly couple who’ve been courting for over forty years.

Finally, they decide it was about time they got married.

However, first, they decided it was important to agree on how their relationship in marriage would work.

So, they had a series of discussions on income, finances, cooking, cleaning, bedroom arrangements and everything else that would affect them both in the years ahead.

Finally, Mack thought it was important to discuss how the physical side of their relationship would work.

“How do you feel about sex?” Mack asked Mabel.

“Well,” said Mabel, choosing her words carefully, “I would like it infrequently.”

Mack thought about it momentarily and then asked, “Was that one word or two, Mabel?”

5. Bill’s quest:

Bill was driving down a remote country road one day. He’s in the middle of nowhere, a long way from home when, as luck would have it, his car breaks down near a monastery.

So Bill walks over to the monastery and knocks on the door.

The door is opened by one of the monks and Bill explains his predicament.

“I’m sorry to bother you,” says Bill, “but I’m a long way from home, my car’s broken down and I can’t get a repairman today because it’s Sunday. Would it be possible for me to stay the night, here at the monastery?“

Bill is graciously accepted by the monks and they’re happy for him to spend the night there. He’s invited to have dinner with them and, as they’re very resourceful, they even fix his car for him.

After Bill has retired to his room for the night, and as he’s trying to fall asleep, he hears a strange but seductive sound.

It’s a sound, unlike anything he’s ever heard before.

It’s a sound so seductive that Bill is reminded of the Sirens of Greek mythology, who lured sailors with their enchanting music and singing voices to shipwreck on the rocky coast.

Well, Bill cannot sleep that night for thinking about what he’s just heard. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a strange but seductive sound.

As you’d expect, at breakfast, Bill feels compelled to ask the monks about the sound he’d heard during the night.

The Abbot, sitting at the head of the table, smiles benevolently at Bill and responds to his question by saying, “Unfortunately, we cannot tell you because you’re not a monk.”

Bill is really disappointed by this response but he thanks the monks for their hospitality and, having finished breakfast, he leaves the monastery.

However, the matter doesn’t end there.

Bill cannot forget the hypnotic allure of this beautiful, seductive sound. So, a year later, he just has to go back to the monastery and plead with the monks to tell him more about this strange sound.

Once again, the response from the Abbot is, “Unfortunately, we cannot tell you because you’re not a monk.”

Bill is desperate, so he says to the Abbot, “Look if the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk.”

“Before you can join our monastery,” says the Abbot, “you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are in total and the exact number of grains of sand there are too. When you’ve found the answers to these questions, only then will you be ready to become a monk.“

Bill realises it won’t be easy but, nevertheless, he sets about his task with the aim of becoming a monk.

Years later, he’s now getting old, but Bill is back knocking on the door of the monastery.

The door is answered and Bill is taken to the Abbot.

“In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I’ve travelled the earth as you requested,” says Bill. “Reflecting on the questions you asked me to answer, I’ve come to realise that the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self-deception.“

“Congratulations!” says the Abbot. “You’re now ready to become a monk and join our monastery.”

“Can I now know the mystery of the sacred sound?” asks Bill.

“Indeed you can,” the Abbot responds. “Follow me.”

The Abbot then leads Bills down a long, dark corridor, at the end of which is an old wooden door.

“The source of the sound is beyond this door,” says the Abbot, as he hands Bill a key.

Bill then opens the door, only to find that behind it is another door made of stone.

The Abbot hands Bill another key and he opens it, only to find yet another door this time one that is encrusted with emeralds.

Well, the process goes on and Bill finds a series of doors, encrusted with various precious gems, including pearls, sapphires, rubies and diamonds. He’s given keys for each and he opens each one.

Finally, Bill reaches a door that is made of solid gold.

He can now hear the strange and seductive sound clearly as the Abbot hands him the final key.

“This is the last key to the last door,” says the Abbot. “On the other side of this door is the source of the sound that has enchanted you so much, for so long.”

Bill is feeling a little apprehensive at this point, after all, the answer he’s been seeking for so long is behind this door.

With trembling hands, Bill unlocks the door, turns the knob, and pushes the door open, slowly.

He falls to his knees in amazement, as he finally discovers the source of that haunting, seductive and beautiful sound.

And what is the source?

Unfortunately, we cannot tell you because you’re not a monk.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, did you find these funny short stories for seniors as amusing as you’d hoped? Certainly, I hope they all made you laugh.

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5 short funny stories for adults looking for a smile

06/24/2023 by

SHORT FUNNY STORIES FOR ADULTSHere are five short funny stories for adults looking for a smile today. They all made me laugh and I hope they make you laugh too.

Short funny stories for adults:

1. The nudist beach:

Three men were visiting a nudist beach and it wasn’t long before they were engaged in conversation. Two of the men looked very happy to be there whilst the other man looked a little glum.

Naturally, their conversation quickly gravitated to a discussion about their respective jobs.

“I work on Wall Street,” said the first man smiling. “It’s well-paid work but the dress code is very formal and I have to wear a suit with a collar and tie daily. So this is a perfect vacation for me. I have the freedom to relax, feeling completely unrestrained.”

The second man smiled and said, “I’m with you there buddy. I’m a deep-sea diver and I’m usually weighed down with a diver’s suit, lead boots and a brass helmet. Being here on this beach is real freedom for me.”

The two men then looked at their unhappy companion and asked what he did for a living.

“I’m a pickpocket,” said the man, “and my therapist said I’d benefit from a holiday where I won’t have the opportunity to steal from people.”

2. The real deal:

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in Benidorm debating the merits of their favourite bars back home.

“In my local pub in London,” says the Englishman, “if I buy two pints of lager, I get the third pint for free. Now that’s a decent deal, you must admit.”

“That’s nothing!” says the Scotsman. “In the pub, I go to in Glasgow, if I buy two double whiskies, they’ll give me the third double whisky for free. That’s got to be an even better deal, surely?”

“Listen, boys,” the Irishman responds, “in my local pub in Dublin, if you buy five pints of Guinness, they’ll not only give you the sixth pint for free but if you go upstairs, you can have sex for free too.”

The Englishman and the Scotsman look at each other quizzically before the Englishman says, “Really? Has that happened to you?”

“Well, no,” says the Irishman, “but it happens to my sister all the time.”

3. Crossing the raging river:

Jim, Bill, and Mike are three friends out walking in the countryside when they arrive at a wide and raging river.

Naturally, they need to get across, but they have no idea how to achieve the crossing successfully.

Jim, being a believer in the good Lord, immediately prays to God. “Please God give me the strength to cross this raging river.”

Suddenly there’s a POOF sound and Jim’s arms and legs are transformed into powerful limbs that allow him to swim across the river in less than an hour.

Seeing this, Bill decides to pray too. “Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this raging river in a way easier than swimming.”

Suddenly there’s a POOF sound and there before Bill is a kayak which allows him to row across the river in less than 30 minutes.

Having witnessed events so far, and seeing how it works, Mike decides to pray too. “Please God, give me the strength, ability and intelligence to cross this raging river in the easiest way possible.”

Suddenly there’s a POOF sound and Mike is turned into a woman. She checks her map, walks 100 yards along the riverbank and walks across the bridge.

4. Stranger in town:

The journey on horseback from Waco to Fort Worth is a long ride along a dusty trail and for any cowboy, it’s thirsty work.

So when George passed through a small town along the way he decided to stop at the saloon for a cold beer to quench his thirst.

Well, the locals were none too friendly to strangers passing through their town and George could sense a negative vibe immediately, as he tied up his horse to the post before walking through the saloon doors.

When he’d finished his beer, George walked outside and he was non-too-happy to discover that someone had stolen his horse.

So he walked back into the bar, drew his gun from its holster, spun it around his finger in an impressive fashion, and then shot a bullet straight through a whisky bottle standing at the other end of the long bar.

The place went silent and you could hear a pin drop, until George shouted, “Now which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?”

No one said anything. The place was deadly quiet.

George shouted menacingly, “Now you listen to me! I’m gonna sit here and have another beer and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I’ve finished my drink then I’m gonna do what I dun in Waco. And I don’t want to have to do what I dun in Waco.”

The locals shifted nervously in their seats. They didn’t like strangers much but they liked trouble even less.

So when George had finished his beer, he looked outside and sure enough there was his horse tied to the post and waiting for him.

George saddled up and then started to ride slowly along Main Street.

The bartender had wandered outside and stood and watched George go.

“Hey partner,” said the bartender, “so what happened in Waco?”

George smiled and said, “I had to walk home!”

5. The Adoption Agency:

A married couple, Jim and Josephine, owned their own circus and one day they walked into an Adoption Agency.

Naturally, they explained their circumstances to the social worker.

The social worker looked a little puzzled. “Are you sure that a travelling circus is the best environment in which to bring up a young child?” he asked. “I mean all those dangerous animals and constantly being on the road?”

“The animals are all well trained,” Josephine responded, “and we have a state-of-the-art, sixty-foot motor home, with every comfort necessary.”

“But how would you educate the child?” asked the social worker.

“We’ve arranged a tutor,” said Jim. “He’ll teach all the regular academic subjects, as well as Spanish and computer programming.”

“And we’ll have a nanny,” Josephine added quickly. “She’s certified in pediatric care and child welfare and nutrition.”

The social worker had listened carefully and he was impressed.

“Well, you really do seem like an ideal couple,” he said. “What age of child did you have in mind?”

“It doesn’t really matter,” said Jim, “as long as they’re small enough to fit in the cannon.”

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, did you find these short funny stories for adults as amusing as you’d hoped? Certainly, I hope they all made you laugh.

Perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, please click on the links below.

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Your support is truly appreciated.

Thank you.

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4 funny jokes to tell your friends and make them smile

05/22/2023 by

FUNNY JOKES TO TELL YOUR FRIENDSFew things in life can beat a good laugh. One thing that is better is making your friends laugh. So if you’re looking for some funny jokes to tell your friends, then today I offer you four of them which I’m confident will raise a smile or two.

So take a few moments to enjoy them and then feel free to on-pass them on to others.

It’s always good to share the smiles.

Funny jokes to tell your friends:

1. The Chapel of Rest:

When I was about seven years old, my father took me to the local funeral parlour, as he wanted to pay his respects to an old work colleague who’d recently died.

This was a man I’d never met but it was important to my father and he thought it would be a good life experience for me to accompany him.

As we waited our turn to view the open casket, I sat quietly in a corner, waiting for the time to pass.

Suddenly, the door to the Chapel of Rest opened and an elderly man I’d never met came out and, as he did so, he smiled at me and said, “Make sure you enjoy your life son. Be happy because it’ll all go by in the blink of an eye. Look at me, I didn’t and now it’s too late.”

With that, the man disappeared through the door onto the street and it was our turn to view the body and pay our respects.

We walked solemnly into the Chapel of Rest and I looked into the open casket.

I was horrified. I couldn’t believe it. The body in the casket was the man who’d just spoken to me.

Well, I was utterly traumatized by the experience. I had nightmares and I was terrified to be alone. I couldn’t sleep without the light on for several years.

It got so bad I had to go for psychotherapy and counselling.

As I got older, gradually I began to cope a bit better, until one day I discovered something that completely changed my life.

I learned that my father’s dead colleague had an identical twin brother.

2. The Driving Test:

Jane arrived home, having just taken her Driving Test for the ninth time.

Naturally, her husband Bill was keen to know how she’d got on this time.

“So honey, how did it go this time?” Bill asked.

“Not good,” Jane responded. “They failed me again.”

“Really?” said Bill, sounding disappointed for her. “What did they pull you up on this time?”

“A rope,” Jane responded, sheepishly.

“A rope?” Bill inquired, looking slightly puzzled.

“Yes, that’s how they got me out,” Jane responded. “The car’s still in the river.”

3. The Infertility Problem:

A farmer went into a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman sitting next to him at the counter said, “Well, how about that? I just ordered champagne, too!”

“What a coincidence,” the farmer responded. “This is a really special day for me, so I’m celebrating!”

“Well, this is a really special day for me too, so I’m celebrating as well,” the woman replied.

“What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses in celebration the farmer asked, “What are you celebrating, mam?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a baby,” said the woman, “and my gynaecologist has just confirmed that I’m pregnant!”

“What a coincidence!” said the farmer. “I’m a chicken farmer and my hens were infertile all last year, but today they are all laying eggs!”

“Wow, that’s great!” said the woman. “So, how did your chickens suddenly become fertile?”

“I used a different cock,” replied the farmer.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass again and said, “What a coincidence!”

4. The Confessional Booth:

Father Murphy was taking confessions when a teenage boy entered the confessional booth.

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” said the youth, “I have been with a girl of loose morals.”

“Is that you, young Jimmy Walsh,” Father Murphy inquired.

“Yes Father, it is,” young Jimmy responded.

“And you, an altar boy! I’m disappointed in you Jimmy,” said Father Murphy. “Who is this young girl?”

“Oh Father, I don’t want to get her a bad reputation,” said Jimmy, defensively.

“Was it Bernadette Kelly?” Father Murphy inquired.

“No Father,” said Jimmy.

“Was it Patricia O’Connor?” Father Murphy continued.

“No Father,” said Jimmy.

“Was it Teresa O’Sullivan?” Father Murphy pressed on.

“Father, I cannot give you her name. It wouldn’t be fair,” said Jimmy.

“Well, I admire your loyalty to this girl Jimmy, but you’ve sinned and if you insist on remaining tight-lipped, then you must accept your penance,” Father Murphy responded.

“And what will that be, Father?” Jimmy asked.

“You’re barred from serving as an altar boy again for three months.” Father Murphy responded, sternly.

Young Jimmy walked back to the pew slowly and as he sat down, his friend Rory whispered, “How did it go?”

“The plan worked like a charm,” Jimmy responded with a smile. “Three months off and three great leads.”

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, did you find these funny jokes to tell your friends as amusing as you’d hoped? Certainly, I hope they all made you laugh.

Perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, please click on the links below.

And if you did enjoy this post then please share it with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone’s a winner.

Your support is truly appreciated.

Thank you.

More fun you might enjoy:

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4 funny long story jokes to raise a smile

04/16/2023 by

FUNNY LONG-STORY JOKESHere are four funny long-story jokes to brighten your day. They all tickled me and I hope they make you smile too.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to pass them on.

Funny long-story jokes:

1. Getting older:

Jean, Ethel and Mildred are three elderly ladies chatting about the challenges of getting older.

“I think 60 is the worst age to be,” said 60-year-old, Jean. “You always feel like you need to pee. And most of the time nothing happens.”

“Ah, that’s nothing,” said 70-year-old, Ethel. “When you’re 70, you don’t seem to have bowel movements anymore. You take laxatives, you eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and yet nothing ever happens.”

“Actually, I can tell you from experience, 80 is the worst age of all,” said 80-year-old, Mildred.

“Do you have trouble peeing too, Mildred?” asked Jean.

“No,” said Mildred. “I pee every morning at 6 am and I pee like a racehorse. That’s no problem at all.”

“Well, how about your bowel movements, Mildred?” Ethel inquired. “Do you have any problems with them?”

“No,” Mildred responded. “I have a bowel movement every morning at 6.30 am, as regular as clockwork.”

Jean and Ethel exchanged puzzled glances before Jean said, “Now let me get this straight, Mildred. You pee at 6 am and poop at 6.30 am? So what’s so hard about being 80?”

Mildred frowned before she said, “I never wake up before 7 am.”

2. The mechanic’s skills:

Jeff was a mechanic working in his workshop, repairing a Harley Davidson motorcycle for one of his regular clients, who was a heart surgeon.

Jeff was just replacing the cylinder head on the bike when Dr Corker, his client, arrived to check up on progress.

“Hey doc,” said Jeff. “The bike’s almost ready for you but can I ask you a question first?”

“Yeah, sure Jeff,” said the heart surgeon. “How can I help you?”

“Doc, take a look at this motorcycle engine,” said Jeff. “I can open its heart. I can take the valves out. And I can fix those valves and put them back in again. And when I’ve finished, this engine works like it’s brand new.”

“So, what’s your question, Jeff?” Dr Corker responded.

“Well doc,” said Jeff, “my question is, how come I earn a small salary and yet you earn a very large one? Essentially, don’t we just do the same work? How come we don’t earn the same?”

Dr Corker thought about the question momentarily, then smiled at Jeff and said, “Try doing it with the engine running.”

3. On safari:

Jim and Irene were on holiday in Africa, and they’d taken Irene’s mother with them.

Now Jim’s mother-in-law could be a bit of a battle-axe, to say the least, but she’d recently lost her husband, so Jim accepted that this was the decent thing to do.

Anyway, they’d been on safari for a few days, when one morning Irene woke up to find her mother missing.

In a state of panic, she woke Jim and they both went out to look for her!

Suddenly they come to a clearing, where they found Jim’s mother-in-law, facing down a ferocious lion, eye-to-eye.

“Quick darling, do something!” screamed Irene.

“You’ve got to be joking!” said Jim. “The lion got himself into this mess, he can deal with it himself.”

4. Taking Sunday off:

It was a beautiful Sunday morning and absolutely perfect weather for a game of golf.

Being a golf fanatic, Father O’Driscoll couldn’t resist the lure of links and he decided he’d skip mass and head out to his favourite country club.

Naturally, Father O’Driscoll spoke with his curate, excused himself by saying he was unwell and explained that wouldn’t be able to take mass today.

He then got in his car and drove out to the country club, which was in a neighbouring town.

When Father O’Driscoll teed off on the first hole, a huge gust of wind caught his ball, carrying it another hundred yards and dropping it right into the hole.

Father O’Driscoll was absolutely ecstatic. After all, it was a 450-yard hole-in-one. Amazing! The first time he’d ever achieved that Holy Grail for golfers.

Now God and Saint Peter were watching Father O’Driscoll from above.

Saint Peter gave God a puzzled look and then asked, “Why have you rewarded his behaviour with a hole-in-one?”

“Is it a reward or a punishment?” God asked. “After all, who’s he going to tell?”

Please share with your friends:

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If you did enjoy this post then please share it with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now and you’ll be making an old blogger very happy.

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