quotes

25 contenders for the best one-liners of all time

09/23/2025 by Roy Sutton

Do you enjoy a witty one-liner, dear reader? Well, I’ve been searching for some contenders for the best one-liners of all time.

Today I’ve put together a batch of 25, that I hope you’ll enjoy.

They all made me smile, and I hope they’ll make you smile too.

So take a moment to enjoy them, and then please pass them on.

Best one-liners of all time (1-15):

I’m not fat. I’m just easier to see.
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Becoming a vegan is a big missed steak.
My boss said, have a good day. So I went home.
A clean desk is a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
For maximum attention, nothing beats saying something stupid.
I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
Why is it that everyone seems normal until you get to know them?
How is it that I always seem to buy plants without the will to live?
The importance of teamwork is that there’s always someone else to blame.
We must support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
Why do we refer to the day we do all our household chores as a day off?
The other man’s grass may be greener, but at least you don’t have to mow it.
If we’re not supposed to eat at night, why’s there a light in the refrigerator?

Best one-liners of all time (16-25):

Wise people learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us are the others.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realising that the other person’s an idiot.
An optimist believes that the world couldn’t be better. A pessimist is afraid that might be true.
It’s funny when someone says we need to talk, but what they mean is, you need to listen.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men actually spend thinking.
Living in the 21st century is a bizarre experience. Our priority now is deleting history rather than making it.
Life’s all about perspective. For instance, the sinking of the Titanic seemed like a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.
We all live by the 50-50-90 rule. Anytime we have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability that we’ll get it wrong.
My boss asked whether it was me or him who was stupid. I responded diplomatically that everyone knows he has a reputation for never hiring stupid people.
Before I criticize anyone, I always walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when I’ve criticized them, I’m a mile away, and they can’t chase me because I’ve got their shoes.

So dear reader, are the witticisms on offer today some contenders for the best one-liners of all time?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read in this post then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. So please, share it now.

Thank you.

15 amusing quotes by Mae West to make you smile

09/23/2025 by Roy Sutton

Today I am exploring amusing quotes by Mae West.

Mae West was one of the most controversial movie stars of her day, making comedy out of the prudish, conventional mores of her era. And those Depression-era audiences loved her for it.

Born Mary Jane West in Brooklyn, New York, in 1893, she was an actress, singer, playwright, screenwriter, comedian, and s*x symbol whose entertainment career spanned seven decades.

Some might dismiss her for her lighthearted, bawdy double entendres and breezy s*xual independence, but she knew what she was doing, and she was clearly astute.

She was a woman who lived life on her own terms, and in that sense, she was way ahead of her time.

Asked about the various efforts to impede her career, Mae West replied, “I believe in censorship. I made a fortune out of it.”

Here are 15 quotes by Mae West, many of which I’m sure will make you smile.

Quotes by Mae West:

A dame that knows the ropes isn’t likely to get tied up. ~Mae West
I used to be Snow White but I drifted. ~Mae West
Too much of a good thing can be wonderful. ~Mae West
To err is human but it feels divine. ~Mae West
I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it. ~Mae West
It is better to be looked over than overlooked. ~Mae West
You only live once but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. ~Mae West
I never loved another person the way I loved myself. ~Mae West
He who hesitates is a damned fool. ~Mae West
Virtue has its own reward, but no sale at the box office. ~Mae West
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. ~Mae West
When I’m good, I’m very good but when I’m bad I’m better. ~Mae West
I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure. ~Mae West
Marriage is a great institution but I’m not ready for an institution. ~Mae West

Did you find these quotes by Mae West amusing?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If that is the case, then please share this post with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So go on, share this post now on social media. If you can do that for me then I’ll be ever so grateful.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

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Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: funny, humor, humour, Influencers, Inspiration, Inspirational Quotes, Life, Meaning, Motivation, Motivational Quotes, Philosophy, quotes, Quotes by Mae West, Wisdom

25 corny puns that’ll make you smile or make you cringe

09/22/2025 by Roy Sutton

Do you like corny puns, dear reader? I hope so, because I’ve pulled together 25 of them for you. They’ll make you smile or make you cringe, but either way, I’m sure you’ll appreciate the clever wordplay.

So sit back and take a few minutes to enjoy them all.

Corny Puns:

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
Why do bees stay in their hives during the winter? Swarm.
If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
Why is ‘dark’ spelt with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
I’m trying to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

If you enjoyed any of these corny puns then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share it now. If you can do that for me, I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some more laughs, then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you for your support.

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Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: Best Puns, Best quotes of wisdom, Corny Puns, funny, Funny Puns, funny quotes about life, humor, Life, Meaning, Puns, quotes, witty one liners

29 clever puns that’ll make you smile

09/22/2025 by Roy Sutton

If you love clever puns, then you’ve come to the right place, dear reader. I’ve put together a collection of 29 witty one-line puns that will make you smile, at least a little.

Certainly, they all made me smile, and I’m confident that you’ll enjoy them too.

So sit back and take a few moments to enjoy them all. And then pass them on to your friends and colleagues.

Clever puns:

With great reflexes comes great response-ability.
What do you do with chemists when they die? Barium!
How do construction workers party? They raise the roof.
An expensive laxative will give you a run for your money.
I have a broken barometer that I need to sell. No pressure.
Nuns wear the same outfit every day. Must be a habit, I guess.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
I can only remember 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay. He woke up!
If it’s cold, stay close to others. Otherwise, you might feel a bit ice-olated.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night. I should have put it on aloha setting.
Why was it so hot in the stadium after the baseball game? All the fans left!
I’m not sure if my ceiling is the best in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
You’ll never guess who I bumped into on the way to the opticians! Everyone.
To whoever stole my broken bathroom scales, you’ll never get a weigh with it.
Have you ever tried blindfolded archery? You don’t know what you’re missing.
I lift weights only on Saturday and Sunday because Monday to Friday are weak days.
Why are fish the easiest animals to weigh? Because they come with their own scales.
I started a business selling yachts in my attic. Sails have gone through the roof.
I wouldn’t let my children go to see the orchestra. There’s too much sax and violins.
I told my wife I felt like a deck of cards and she said she’d deal with me later.
I have a weird talent where I can tell what’s inside a wrapped present. It’s a gift.
Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail? She got a full sentence.
The Pentagon was originally going to be a square, but the contractor kept cutting corners.
What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up? The mean increases.
I’m a perfectionist with a procrastinator complex. Someday I’m going to be awesome.
My partner’s name is David, so we named our son Harley. This way he’s Harley, David’s son.
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
Did you hear about the thieves who robbed a theatre during a performance? They stole the spotlight.

If you enjoyed these clever puns, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share it now. If you can do that for me, I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

And if you fancy some more laughs, then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you for your support.

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Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: Best Puns, Clever puns, Corny Puns, funny, Funny Puns, humor, Life, Meaning, Puns, quotes, witty one liners

101 World Proverbs to help you reflect on life

09/22/2025 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for some inspirational world proverbs to help you reflect on life and its meaning, then I’ve curated 101 of them just for you, dear reader.

There are some excellent world proverbs here that’ll make you think and hopefully give you greater insight into life, its meaning, and different communities’ philosophies everywhere.

Proverbs contain the wisdom of the ancients and provide useful reminders that people everywhere are just the same. We’re all just trying to get through life as best we can.

So enjoy them all and feel free to pass them on.

World Proverbs (1-20):

If there’s no wind, row. ~Latin Proverb
Talk doesn’t cook rice. ~Chinese Proverb
A half-truth is a whole lie. ~Yiddish Proverb
A friend’s eye is a good mirror. ~Irish Proverb
Honour is better than honours. ~Belgian Proverb
Hope is the bread of the poor. ~Turkish Proverb
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. ~Polish Proverb
Hospitality is one form of worship. ~Jewish Proverb
Conscience is the voice of the soul. ~Polish Proverb
A wheel that turns gathers no rust. ~Greek Proverb
Sunshine all the time makes a desert. ~Arab Proverb
All married women are not wives. ~Japanese Proverb
He that falls by himself never cries. ~Turkish Proverb
No road is long with good company. ~Turkish Proverb
Who lies for you will lie against you. ~Bosnian Proverb
Real gold does not fear the furnace. ~Chinese Proverb
Work like an ant and you’ll eat sugar. ~Yemeni Proverb
A bad tree does not yield good apples. ~Danish Proverb
A good deed dies when it’s spoken about. ~Arab Proverb
He that knows patience knows peace. ~Chinese Proverb

World Proverbs (21-40):

A fish gets bigger when it gets away. ~Japanese Proverb
Fear makes the wolf bigger than he is. ~German proverb
You won’t gain knowledge by drinking ink. ~Arab Proverb
You cannot strike a face that is smiling. ~Korean Proverb
Money buys everything but good sense. ~Yiddish Proverb
The real hero doesn’t say that he’s one. ~Filipino Proverb
Five fingers are brothers but not equals. ~Afghan Proverb
Fear an ignorant man more than a lion. ~Kurdish Proverb
A bad son gives his mother a bad name. ~Ivorian Proverb
Eat what is cooked, listen to what is said. Russian Proverb
A good meal ought to begin with hunger. ~French Proverb
He who puts up with insult invites injury. ~Jewish Proverb
Do not push the river, it will flow by itself. ~Polish Proverb
Save money and money will save you. ~Jamaican Proverb
Always leave a little room for a mistake. ~Chinese Proverb
Against stupidity, God himself is helpless. ~Jewish Proverb
Many a time a man’s mouth broke his nose. ~Irish Proverb
Do not be wise in words, be wise in deeds. ~Jewish Proverb
Put off for one day and ten days will pass. ~Korean Proverb
The blind cannot see. The proud will not. ~Russian Proverb

World Proverbs (41-60):

What is cheap is always the most costly. ~German Proverb
A silent man is the best one to listen to. ~Japanese Proverb
For every wise man, there’s one still wiser. ~Kurdish Proverb
A lie has no author, nor a liar a conscience. ~Indian Proverb
The usefulness of a cup is in its emptiness. ~Chinese Proverb
The frog forgets that he was once a tadpole. ~Korean Proverb
Loose tongues are worse than wicked hands. ~Jewish Proverb
The beard does not make the philosopher. ~American Proverb
He that speaks, sows; He that hears, reaps. ~Turkish Proverb
Better an honest enemy than a false friend. ~German Proverb
A wooden bed is better than a golden coffin. ~Russian Proverb
There’s nothing so bad that it couldn’t be worse. ~Irish Proverb
Cast no dirt into the well that gives you water. ~Korean Proverb
He who never doubts doesn’t know anything. ~Spanish Proverb
Patience is a bitter plant, but its fruit is sweet. ~Chinese Proverb
He who wants the rose must respect the thorn. ~Persian Proverb
Birds are caught with seed, men with money. ~Armenian Proverb
If you want to build high, you must dig deep. ~Mongolian Proverb
If you’re going to seek revenge, dig two graves. ~Chinese Proverb
There’s no greater fraud than a promise not kept. ~Gaelic Proverb

World Proverbs (61-80):

A hungry wolf is stronger than a satisfied dog. ~Ukrainian Proverb
Listen with one ear; be suspicious with the other. ~Laotian Proverb
A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle. ~Italian Proverb
The riches that are in the heart cannot be stolen. ~Russian Proverb
If there’s a way into the wood, there’s also a way out. ~Irish Proverb
Ask the experienced rather than the learned. ~Saudi Arabian Proverb
You’ll never plough a field by turning it over in your mind. ~Irish Proverb
A friend you have to buy; enemies you get for nothing. ~Jewish Proverb
Lower your voice and strengthen your argument. ~Lebanese Proverb
People show their character by what they laugh at. ~German Proverb
Many complain of their looks, but none of their brains. ~Yiddish Proverb
You can’t wake a person who’s pretending to be asleep. ~Navajo Proverb
When a habit begins to cost money, it’s called a hobby. ~Jewish Proverb
Why would you use poison if you can kill with money? ~Bosnian Proverb
A dog will always be a dog, even if he is raised by lions. ~Lebanese Proverb
It’s the same life whether we spend it laughing or crying. ~Japanese Proverb
A closed mouth and open eyes never did anyone any harm. ~German Proverb
Better to be guilty in the eyes of men than in the eyes of God. ~Malagasy Proverb
A fool says what he knows, and a wise man knows what he says. ~Yiddish Proverb
He who returns from a journey is not the same as he who left. ~Chinese Proverb

World Proverbs (81-90):

A man who has confidence in himself gains the confidence of others. ~Jewish Proverb
A light is still a light, even though the blind man cannot see it. ~Austrian Proverb
The glory is not in never falling but in rising every time you fall. ~Chinese Proverb
Who has not tasted what is bitter does not know what is sweet. ~German Proverb
Teachers open the door but you must walk through it yourself. ~Chinese Proverb
A woman prefers a man without money to money without a man. ~Greek Proverb
The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones. ~Chinese Proverb
If you don’t have time to do it right, you must have time to do it over. ~Russian Proverb
If you do not experience anything, it’s impossible to gain knowledge. ~Chinese Proverb
Better to write down something one time than to read something ten times. ~Japanese Proverb

World Proverbs (91-101):

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now. ~Chinese Proverb
A clean mouth and an honest hand will take a man through any land. ~German Proverb
Don’t let your mouth carry you where your foot can’t bring you back from. ~Bahamian Proverb
Never trust the man who tells you all his troubles but keeps from you all his joys. ~Jewish Proverb
We count our miseries carefully and accept our blessings without much thought. ~Chinese Proverb
A wise man makes his own decisions; an ignorant man follows public opinion. ~Chinese Proverb
The reputation of a thousand years may be determined by the conduct of one hour. ~Japanese Proverb
The man who gives little with a smile gives more than the man who gives much with a frown. ~Jewish Proverb
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and feed him for a lifetime. ~Chinese Proverb
The secret to living well and longer is eating half, walking double, laughing triple, and loving without measure. ~Tibetan Proverb
We are all visitors to this time, this place. We are just passing through. Our purpose here is to observe, learn, grow, love, and return home. ~Indigenous Australian Proverb

Did you find these world proverbs interesting and thought-provoking?

You did? I do hope so anyway.

If that’s the case, please share this post with your friends on social media, because everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now. If you can do that for me, I’ll be forever grateful, and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you, dear reader.

25 funny witty quotes that will seriously tickle you

09/21/2025 by Roy Sutton

I always get the best reaction with blog posts that are full of content to make you smile. And funny witty quotes are particularly popular with readers.

With that in mind, I’ve been trawling my journals looking for funny witty quotes which I’ve noted for posterity, and that I hope you’ll enjoy now, dear reader.

So, here are 25 funny witty quotes that I’m confident will tickle you. Indeed, they tickled me and made me smile.

They’re all by Authors Unknown, but they’re razor-sharp and funny nevertheless.

So go on, take a few minutes right now to have a laugh and enjoy them all.

Funny Witty Quotes:

‘Be yourself is the worst piece of advice you can give to some people.
Some people just need a sympathetic pat on the head, with a hammer.
HIM: How is it your single? HER: Surely you mean you’re?
Arguing with a fool serves only to prove that there are two.
Only dead fish go with the flow.
The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t hold this much personality.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight you’re drunk.
There are only two rules in life. No 1: Never ever give out all the information.
You never realize how weird you are until you have a kid who acts just like you.
If you have nothing to be grateful for, check your pulse.
Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions. Chocolate understands.
I’ve learned so much from my mistakes I’m thinking of making a few more.
I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
We mature with damage, not with years.
Life is short. So smile while you still have teeth.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
Sarcasm is not an attitude. It’s an art.
I have an irrational fear of wasting a good outfit on an insignificant day.
Whoever said that nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.
The only time a woman is helpless is when her nail polish is drying. Otherwise, watch out.
The first thing you lose on a diet is your sense of humour.
Everyone has the right to be stupid but you’re abusing the privilege.
If you don’t like the way I drive then stay off the sidewalk.
If at first, you don’t succeed then skydiving’s not for you.
129% of people exaggerate.

So did these funny witty quotes amuse you, dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read in this post then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. Thank you.

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Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, fun, funny, funny witty quotes, Hilarious, humor, humour, Laugh, Life, LOL, Meaning, quotes, smile, Stress-free, Wisdom

23 amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld to brighten your day

09/20/2025 by Roy Sutton

Today I’ve put together some amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld.

Most readers will know that Jerry Seinfeld is an American comedian and is probably best known as the star of the successful US sitcom Seinfeld, in which he played a semi-fictionalized version of himself.

Much more than this, Jerry Seinfeld is a hugely successful actor, writer, producer, and director.

As a stand-up comedian, he specializes in observational comedy, which I love, and I would rate him as one of the best comedians of all time.

So take a moment or two to enjoy all of these amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld, and if you like them, then please pass them on.

Amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld:

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
The IRS! They’re like the Mafia. They can take anything they want!
My theory is that 98 per cent of all human endeavour is killing time.
I don’t want to hear the specials. If they’re so special, put ’em on the menu.
To me, if life boils down to one thing, it’s movement. To live is to keep moving.
Make no mistake about why these babies are here. They’re here to replace us.
That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.
You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That’s how you know you’re still alive.
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’
It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not colour, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.
Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‘Bye!’
Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That’s when you know the most, you’ve seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy.
We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.
I am so busy doing nothing that the idea of doing anything, which as you know always leads to something, cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
There’s very little advice in men’s magazines because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, ‘I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.’
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you find these amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld interesting, dear reader?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If you did enjoy them, then please share this post with your friends on social media, because when you share, everyone wins.

Please share this post now.

If you can do that for me, then I’ll be forever grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience, and that will be your good deed for the day.

Thank you.

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Filed Under: Quotes Tagged With: amusing quotes, Influencers, Inspiration, Inspirational Quotes, Meaning, Motivation, Motivational Quotes, Philosophy, quotes, quotes by Jerry Seinfeld, smile, Wisdom

25 quotes from Friends guaranteed to amuse you

09/20/2025 by Roy Sutton

Today I am exploring quotes from Friends. Remember those days when we got to enjoy the witty banter in Central Perk, and we all wished we could be part of their gang?

It was definitely one of my favourite shows and I’ve watched every episode of every season.

So, I offer you 25 quotes from Friends that I hope you will enjoy.

And, if you do, feel free to share them with your friends.

25 Quotes from Friends:

“I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
— Chandler Bing
“It’s a moo point. It’s like a cow’s opinion. It doesn’t matter. It’s moo.”
— Joey Tribbiani
“Could I be wearing any more clothes?”
— Joey (doing Chandler)
“I say more dumb things before 9 a.m. than most people say all day.”
— Chandler Bing
“I’m sorry I was so hard on you before… and I’m sorry I called you ‘a big dull dud’.”
— Phoebe Buffay
“You can’t just give up! Is that what a dinosaur would do?”
— Joey Tribbiani (to Ross)
“Oh, I wish I could, but I don’t want to.”
— Phoebe Buffay
“You have to stop the Q-tip when there’s resistance!”
— Chandler Bing
“You hung up on the pizza place? I don’t hang up on your friends!”
— Joey Tribbiani
“They don’t know that we know they know we know!”
— Phoebe Buffay
“I got off the plane.”
— Rachel Green (a sweet zinger)
“Ross, just because you have a PhD doesn’t mean you’re not an idiot.”
— Phoebe Buffay
“I’m hopeless and awkward and desperate for love!“
— Chandler Bing
“You throw your sandwich away… that is a perfectly good sandwich!”
— Joey Tribbiani
“I don’t even have a ‘pla’.”
— Phoebe Buffay (when talking about plans)
“I don’t share food!”
— Joey Tribbiani
“You are over me? When were you… under me?”
— Ross Geller
“You fell asleep? You fell asleep?! That’s worse than forgetting!”
— Rachel Green
“That’s not even a word!”
— Ross Geller (correcting Joey’s use of “supposably”)
“It’s always better to lie than to have the complicated discussion.”
— Chandler Bing
“I’m Chandler. I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable.”
— Rachel mocking Chandler
“Your money’s mine, Green!”
— Monica Geller (during poker night)
“It tastes like feet!”
— Ross Geller (about Rachel’s trifle)
“The fridge broke, so I had to eat everything.”
— Joey Tribbiani
“I’m a gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I’ve missed the last … twelve hundred times.”
— Chandler Bing

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34 corny but very clever one-liners that’ll crack you up

09/17/2025 by Roy Sutton

Whenever I post some clever one-liners, I always get an enormous response from readers. Clearly, they’re very popular with you.

So to satisfy demand, I thought I’d collect another batch for your amusement.

Here are 34 definitely corny but still very clever one-liners which I’m confident will crack you up. So enjoy them all and feel free to share this post with your friends. If some of these jokes made you laugh, then they’ll probably make your friends laugh.

However, relax and enjoy them all first.

Clever one-liners:

A life in politics is full of parties.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
Coming up with weather puns is a breeze.
I love jokes about eyes, the cornea the better.
What do you call a small mother? A minimum.
I met a girl on a dating site and we just clicked.
I did have a joke about vacuums, but it sucked.
When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Pollen is when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
I used to be a shoe salesman until they gave me the boot.
I’ve started sleeping in our fireplace. Now I sleep like a log!
How do you make a hotdog stand? You take the seat away.
I hate negative numbers. I’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Shout out to people who don’t know what the opposite of in is!
I used to build stairs for a living, it’s an up and down business.
Shout out to people who don’t know what the opposite of in is!
Archaeologists are always broke because their careers lie in ruins.
Claustrophobic people are more productive in thinking outside the box.
What do you call an imaginary color? A pigment of your imagination.
I decided to get some Velcro for my shoes instead of laces. Why knot?
I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.
My sister said she didn’t understand cloning. I said that makes two of us.
My tailor’s happy to make a pair of pants for me or at least, sew it seams.
I got a reversible jacket for my birthday. I can’t wait to see how it turns out.
Wounds heal better if they are covered. This is an example of gauze and effect.
I wasn’t originally going to get a heart transplant but then I had a change of heart.
Why can’t you take anything balloons say seriously? They’re always full of hot air!
I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell. Looking at it now, I see why.
This guy quit his job at the donut factory because he was fed up with the whole business.
Running in front of a car will make you tired but running behind one is exhausting.
My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she’d just ironed. I watched it all unfold.
A teacher asked her student, “Are you ignorant or just apathetic?” The kid answers, “I don’t know and I don’t care.”
My husband passed away in the hospital when I couldn’t remember his blood type. His last words to me were, “Be positive!”

Please share this post with your friends:

If you enjoyed this post, dear reader, then please share it with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So, please share it now. If you can do that for me, I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some more laughs, then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you.