15 amusing quotes by Zsa Zsa Gabor

03/22/2024 by

The late Zsa Zsa Gabor was an actress and socialite known for her luxurious taste, glamorous sense of style, and series of high-profile marriages to wealthy men. She was married nine times.

Born in Hungary to parents of Jewish heritage, she was crowned Miss Hungary in 1936.

She began her stage career in Vienna before leaving for the United States in 1941.

With her strong personality, grace, and charm, she became a much sought-after actress and was highly regarded for her European flair and style.

Zsa Zsa Gabor never failed to speak her mind, particularly when it came to matters of men, marriage, and celebrity, and she was well known for her witty remarks and memorable one-liners.

Her sisters were the actresses Eva Gabor and Magda Gabor.

She was a Hollywood legend, so let’s remember some of her most memorable quips with what I think are 15 very amusing quotes.

Amusing quotes by Zsa Zsa Gabor:

  1. I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  2. My husband said it was him or the cat. I miss him sometimes.~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  3. How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own? ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  4. I’m a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  5. I want a man who is kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire? ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  6. There is no diet for a big ego.~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  7. A girl must marry for love and keep on marrying until she finds it. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  8. Husbands are like fires. They go out when unattended.~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  9. When in trouble, take a bath and wash your hair.~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  10. Any woman who diets all the time can’t help but be grouchy. Nobody can be amusing or entertaining on a diet.~Zsa Zsa Gabor 
  11. I believe in large families. Every woman should have at least three husbands.~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  12. A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  13. I love the intellectual type. They know everything and suspect nothing. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  14. The only place men want depth in their women is in her décolletage. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  15. I always said marriage should be a fifty-fifty proposition. He should be at least fifty years old and have at least fifty million dollars.~Zsa Zsa Gabor
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15 George Costanza quotes that’ll make you smile

03/06/2024 by

Today, dear reader, I thought you might appreciate some amusing quotes by George Costanza.

There have been some wonderful characters in sitcoms over the years, and one of the very best, in my opinion, was that lovable loser George Costanza from the US sitcom Seinfeld, played by the excellent Jason Alexander.

George Costanza had a brilliant turn of phrase, and his cup was always half-empty. If anyone had drawn the short straw in life, it was George. However, he gave us so many laughs, and for that, we should all be very grateful.

So take a couple of minutes, relax, and enjoy all these quotes by George Costanza.

George Costanza Quotes:

  1. I don’t trust men in capes.
  2. If she can’t find me, she can’t break up with me.
  3. Jerry, just remember it’s not a lie if you believe it.
  4. You know, I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.
  5. When you look annoyed all the time, people think that you’re busy.
  6. If you can’t say something bad about a relationship, you shouldn’t say anything at all.
  7. The sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.
  8. Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.
  9. I don’t think I’ve ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.
  10. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, and my grandfather was a quitter. I was raised to fail.
  11. You should’ve seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.
  12. Instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over 360 pairs. That way I only have to do a wash once a year.
  13. What’s so great about a mom and pop store? Let me tell you something, if my mom and pop ran a store, I wouldn’t shop there.
  14. You’re giving me the ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ routine? I invented ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ Nobody tells me it’s them, not me. If it’s anybody, it’s me.
  15. [To Jerry]: Would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That’s all I’m askin’. This woman thinks I’m very funny and now you’re gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I’m gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn’t seem so funny.

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George Costanza quotes
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You did? I hope so anyway.

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Thank you.

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23 amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld to brighten your day

01/08/2024 by

QUOTES BY JERRY SEINFELD

Photo by Alan Light

Today I’ve put together some amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld.

Most readers will know that Jerry Seinfeld is an American comedian and is probably best known as the star of the successful US sitcom Seinfeld, in which he played a semi-fictionalized version of himself.

Much more than this, Jerry Seinfeld is a hugely successful actor, writer, producer, and director.

As a stand-up comedian, he specializes in observational comedy, which I love, and I would rate him as one of the best comedians of all time.

So take a moment or two to enjoy all of these amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld, and if you like them, then please pass them on.

Amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld:

  1. There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
  2. People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
  3. Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
  4. The IRS! They’re like the Mafia. They can take anything they want!
  5. My theory is that 98 per cent of all human endeavour is killing time.
  6. I don’t want to hear the specials. If they’re so special, put ’em on the menu.
  7. To me, if life boils down to one thing, it’s movement. To live is to keep moving.
  8. Make no mistake about why these babies are here. They’re here to replace us.
  9. That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
  10. My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.
  11. You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That’s how you know you’re still alive.
  12. A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
  13. You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’ 
  14. It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
  15. Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not colour, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.
  16. Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
  17. The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‘Bye!’
  18. Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
  19. Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That’s when you know the most, you’ve seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy.
  20. We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.
  21. I am so busy doing nothing that the idea of doing anything, which as you know always leads to something, cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
  22. There’s very little advice in men’s magazines because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, ‘I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.’ 
  23. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. 

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Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

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25 amusing quotes about getting old to tickle you

12/18/2023 by

AMUSING QUOTES ABOUT GETTING OLDThere are worse things than getting old. Not getting old being just one of them. Nevertheless, being old is a tough gig. Like an old car, everything starts to wear out, and it all seems to happen at once. That’s life, unfortunately, and we just have to get used to it.

The trick is to remain stupid and cheerful, and that way you’ll experience less stress. You can try smart and angry if you prefer, but I think you’ll find it doesn’t help improve anything.

One great way to remain cheerful is to read something amusing each day.

So today I offer you 25 amusing quotes about getting old to make you smile. Certainly, they all made me smile.

If you’re old, I’m sure some of them will resonate with you. If you’re not old, then enjoy your youth while you can. The years will pass in the blink of an eye.

Whatever your age, remember, you’ll never be as young again as you are today.  And you’ll never have today again, either. So, you might as well enjoy it.

Amusing quotes about getting old:

  1. Looking 50 is great if you’re 60. ~Joan Rivers
  2. Age is a high price to pay for maturity. ~Tom Stoppard
  3. No man is ever old enough to know better. ~Holbrook Jackson
  4. Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician. ~Author Unknown
  5. When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick. ~George Burns
  6. A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams. ~John Barrymore
  7. You’re only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. ~Ogden Nash
  8. Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative. ~Maurice Chevalier
  9. You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.” ~Jerry Seinfeld
  10. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. ~Author Unknown
  11. Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. ~George Burns
  12. A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘“At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” ~Claude Pepper
  13. You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. ~Bob Hope
  14. He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money upfront. ~George Burns
  15. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. ~Billy Crystal
  16. True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. ~Kurt Vonnegut
  17. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward. ~John Mortimer
  18. You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. ~Woody Allen
  19. As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. ~Sir Norman Wisdom
  20. I don’t do alcohol anymore. I can get the same effect just by standing up fast. ~Author Unknown
  21. None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm. ~Henry David Thoreau
  22. Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed, and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look, and pulled down the shade. ~Joan Rivers 
  23. Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. ~Larry Lorenzoni
  24. It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens. ~Woody Allen
  25. If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself. ~Author Unknown

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50 Funny footballer quotes for soccer fans everywhere

12/12/2023 by

FUNNY FOOTBALLER QUOTESFootball or soccer? The beautiful game is well known by both names around the world. And wherever you go, players can say some silly things at times. So I thought it might be interesting to curate some funny footballer quotes, or, if you prefer, funny soccer quotes.

Whether you prefer to call it football or soccer, one thing is true, and that’s that the players and people associated with the game can say some of the funniest things at times.

Over the years, players, managers, coaches, commentators, and pundits have all come up with some memorable quotes and one-liners, some intentional, others inadvertent. Either way, they’re always amusing.

Enjoy them all, and then please pass them on.

Funny footballer quotes (1 – 25):

  1. I love these players with two feet. ~Michael Owen
  2. They were numerically outnumbered. ~Garry Birtles
  3. He’s got a lot of self-belief in himself. ~Graham Beecroft
  4. To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch. ~Ruud Gullit
  5. I’ve been consistent in patches this season. ~Theo Walcott
  6. Apparently, it’s my fault that the Titanic sank. ~Ian Holloway
  7. I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel. ~Stuart Pearce
  8. And with 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0. ~Ian Darke
  9. I’d like to play for an Italian club like Barcelona. ~Mark Draper
  10. Winning doesn’t really matter, as long as you win. ~Vinny Jones
  11. Reading won’t have the confidence to be confident. ~Paul Merson
  12. When you’re 4-0 up you should never lose 7-1. ~Lawrie McMenemy
  13. That would’ve been a goal had it gone inside the post. ~Michael Owen
  14. Some people cannot see a priest on a mountain of sugar. ~Rafa Benitez
  15. If there’s a bit of rain about it makes the surface wet. ~ Michael Owen
  16. Wilkins sends an inch-perfect pass to no one in particular. ~Byron Butler
  17. I couldn’t settle in Italy. It was like living in a foreign country. ~Ian Rush
  18. The Germans only have one player under 22, and he’s 23. ~Kevin Keegan
  19. If we played like this every week, we wouldn’t be so inconsistent. ~Bryan Robson
  20. Chile have three options. They could win or they could lose. ~Kevin Keegan
  21. That is a fantastic penalty, but he will be gutted it went wide. ~Michael Owen
  22. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but I wasn’t on that particular job. ~Brian Clough
  23. If Rojo wasn’t left-footed, he’d have used his right for that one. ~Michael Owen
  24. Never go for a 50-50 ball unless you’re 80-20 sure of winning it. ~Ian Darke
  25. Oh, he had an eternity to play that ball, but he took too long about it. ~Martin Tyler

Funny footballer quotes (26 – 50):

  1. Blackburn have got two strikers on and they’re both playing upfront. ~Michael Owen
  2. We didn’t underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought. ~Sir Bobby Robson
  3. For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip. ~John Motson
  4. Diego Maradona – a flawed genius who has now become a genius who is flawed. ~Bob Wilson
  5. They’re the second-best team in the world, and there’s no higher praise than that. ~Kevin Keegan
  6. We must have had 99 percent of the game. It was the other three percent that cost us the match. ~Ruud Gullit
  7. If God had wanted us to play football in the clouds, he’s have put grass up there. ~Brian Clough
  8. I know what’s around the corner. I just don’t know where the corner is. ~Kevin Keegan
  9. I’m out at the moment, but should you be the chairman of Barcelona, AC Milan, or Real Madrid, I’ll get straight back to you. The rest can wait. ~Joe Kinnear
  10. I wouldn’t say I was the best manager in the world. But I was in the top one. ~Brian Clough
  11. I never comment on referees, and I’m not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat. ~Ron Atkinson
  12. It’s definitely hit Defoe’s hand as it’s gone in, but it’s not a handball for me. ~Michael Owen
  13. What a shot! That’s completely unstoppable, but the keeper’s got to do better for me. ~Michael Owen
  14. I’ve had 14 bookings this season, eight of which were my fault, but seven of which were disputable. ~Paul Gascoigne
  15. If we start counting our chickens before they hatch, they won’t lay any eggs in the basket. ~Sir Bobby Robson
  16. I’d been ill and hardly trained for a week, and I’d been out of the team for three weeks before that. So I wasn’t sharp. I got cramp before half-time as well. But I’m not one to make excuses. ~Clinton Morrison
  17. Djimi Traore had to adapt to the English game, and he did that by going out on loan to Lens last season. ~ Ian Rush
  18. I spent a lot of money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered. ~George Best
  19. My parents have been there for me ever since I was about seven. ~David Beckham
  20. Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match. ~Ian Wright
  21. What will you do when you leave football, Jack? Will you stay in football? ~Stuart Hall
  22. I always used to put my right boot on first, and then, obviously, my right sock. ~Barry Venison
  23. I am a firm believer that if you score one goal, the other team have to score two to win. ~Howard Wilkinson
  24. If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again. ~Terry Venables
  25. I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don’t know into what religion yet. ~David Beckham

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31 great quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm

11/20/2023 by

Quotes from Larry David in Curb Your EnthusiasmToday I thought it might be amusing to look back at some of the many memorable quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm.

If you’re not familiar with this sitcom, Curb Your Enthusiasm is a very funny comedy starring Larry David, who plays a fictionalized version of himself.

Essentially, the series follows Larry’s life as a semi-retired television writer and producer in his attempt to deal with life’s frustrations and quirks.

For me, it’s one of the great American sitcoms.

There are plenty of Curb Your Enthusiasm clips on YouTube if you want to check out this comedy, and if you’re unfamiliar with it, that’s well worth doing when you have a little free time.

So go ahead and take a look, but not before you’ve enjoyed these memorable quotes.

Enjoy them all.

Quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm:

  1. I’m yelling for society.
  2. I find human contact repulsive.
  3. Can I apologise for the apology?
  4. I’m married. I can wear whatever I want.
  5. By sundown? What are you, Gary Cooper?
  6. I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk.
  7. Hey, mind your own business. How about that?
  8. I’ve got ideas, but I choose not to carry them out.
  9. I always think of nice things, but I never act on them.
  10. It seems silly to me to put a napkin on an old pair of pants.
  11. Why does everybody have to have pictures of everything?
  12. I’m feeling pretty good. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.”
  13. Anybody want to help a semi-retarded individual change a tire?
  14. We’re fighting because you’re a moron. That’s why we’re fighting.
  15. I’m sorry if you’re offended. I don’t think I said anything offensive.
  16. You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.
  17. I don’t like talking to people I know, but strangers I have no problem with.
  18. Bald asshole? That’s a hate crime. We consider ourselves to be a group.
  19. He wanted to stop and chat with me, and I don’t know him well enough for a stop and chat.
  20. Can I tell you something about apricots? 1 in 30 is a good one. It’s such a low percentage fruit.
  21. A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.
  22. Nobody likes a tattle-tale, NOBODY! So go ahead and squeal and you’ll end up in HELL! OKAY!
  23. You can put my colon up next to your colon; we’ll see who has a cleaner, healthier colon.
  24. What is this compulsion to have people over at your house and serve them food and talk to them?
  25. It’s completely unprofessional. And I know because my whole career’s been based on being unprofessional.
  26. An employee is told that the customer’s always right and, in fact, the customer is usually a moron and an asshole.
  27. You’re nothing without your health. Some people are nothing even with their health. I fall in that category, sometimes.
  28. I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbours. The thieves don’t impose. Thieves just want your things. Neighbours want your time.
  29. I did, once, try and stop a woman who was about to get hit by a car. I screamed out ‘Watch out!’ and she said ‘Don’t you tell me what to do!’
  30. You know what? Never mind, alright! I-I’ll take my liver out! I’ll walk around with a dialysis machine hanging out of me for the rest of my life, no problem!
  31. You know what it is? You’re always attracted to someone who doesn’t want you, right? Well, here you have somebody who not only doesn’t want you; doesn’t even acknowledge your right to exist; wants your destruction! That’s a turn-on.

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50 amusing quotes about cars to make you smile

10/18/2023 by

AMUSING QUOTES ABOUT CARSLearning to drive is one of the most useful skills we learn. Driving is freedom and what’s not to like about that? I love my car and I love the freedom it gives me. So, with that in mind, I thought it might be fun to explore some amusing quotes about cars and driving.

Naturally, there are plenty of quotes to choose from. I’ve curated 50 little gems for you today, dear reader. They’re all classified as “Author Unknown” but that doesn’t mean they’re not memorable or fun.

I’m confident you’ll enjoy them all.

So, grab a coffee and take a few moments to see what others think of cars and driving and then see if you can come up with a memorable quote of your own.

Amusing quotes about cars (1-10):

  1. Parking is such sweet sorrow.
  1. Happiness is a long drive and an old song.
  1. Honking is the car’s way of saying ‘I have feelings too!’
  1. The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.
  1. Driving a stick shift makes you feel like a wizard, or maybe just old.
  1. My car and I have so much in common. We both scream for no reason.
  1. Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a Lamborghini and that’s close.
  1. My car’s GPS has an ‘avoid potholes’ feature. It directs me to stay at home.
  1. A pedestrian is someone who thought there were a couple of gallons still left in the tank.
  1. Parallel parking is a skill many achieve, but few master. For the rest, there’s hope and parking lots.

Amusing quotes about cars (11-20):

  1. Life is too short for boring cars.
  1. My dream car is one that runs on laughter.
  1. Racing is the art of turning money into noise.
  1. Friends come and go, but a good mechanic is forever.
  1. Cars are like kids. If they’re making a noise, something’s probably wrong.
  1. I named my car ‘Stress’ because it’s always breaking down at traffic lights.
  1. When you drive as fast as I do, cholesterol is not something you worry about.
  1. Car love is true love. Why else would you talk sweetly to it when it won’t start?
  1. I don’t need to go to therapy. I just need to cruise the open road with my best buddy.
  1. Always drive like someone’s watching. Because they probably are, they’re called ‘traffic cameras.’

Amusing quotes about cars (21-30):

  1. Why did the car sit down? It was too tired!
  1. Cars and coffee are my two favourite ‘C’ words.
  1. If you think I’m cute now, wait until you see my Maserati.
  1. Couples who travel together, fight over directions together.
  1. Most of my money goes on my car and the rest I just waste.
  1. You know you’re an adult when joyriding involves doing errands.
  1. Traffic jams are just nature’s way of making sure you listen to your entire playlist.
  1. If you’ve never driven your car on the edge, then you’ve never really driven your car.
  1. You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy an old 1965 Ford Mustang and lovingly restore it.
  1. Duct tape is like the force: it has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds everything in the universe together, especially my car.

Amusing quotes about cars (31-40):

  1. A clean car is a sign of a sick mind.
  1. If my car could talk, it would probably just complain.
  1. Love is sharing your playlist with someone on a long drive.
  1. Car sickness is when you get sick of making car payments.
  1. The closest thing I’ve got to a sports car is a speeding ticket.
  1. Ecstasy is a long drive along a coastal road with some great music playing.
  1. If cars had feelings, traffic would just be a prolonged group therapy session.
  1. Some refer to it as road rage. I prefer to call it aggressive car communication.
  1. I treat my car like I treat my pets: I talk to it, pamper it, and sometimes yell when it doesn’t listen.
  1. My car sometimes feels like a hotel room. Not because it’s luxurious, but because I leave a mess in it.

Amusing quotes about cars (41-50):

  1. You can’t be sad while driving a sports car.
  1. Some days, my car is the only thing that listens to me.
  1. We have traffic signals because cars need time-outs too.
  1. Cars were invented as a faster way of fleeing from commitment.
  1. If your car could read your thoughts, it’d probably need therapy.
  1. If my car was a person, we’d probably argue over who’s more tired.
  1. You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy cars, so that’ll do for now.
  1. Horsepower is how fast you hit the wall. Torque is how far you take the wall with you.
  1. When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather, not screaming like the passengers in his taxi.
  1. I have two moods: 1. Constantly checking my fuel gauge. 2. Living on the edge with the fuel warning light on.

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Wit & Wisdom: 40 Amusing Quotes by Famous People

10/16/2023 by

AMUSING QUOTES BY FAMOUS PEOPLEIf you’re seeking amusing quotes by famous people then look at this collection of wit and wisdom that I’ve curated for you today, dear reader.

Whether it’s a hearty chuckle you seek or a spark of genius, I’ve got you covered.

This handpicked treasure trove of quotes from some of history’s most brilliant minds is just for you.

So, illuminate your day, impress your friends, and enjoy these timeless gems.

If it’s amusement you’re after, read on.

Amusing quotes by famous people (1-10):

  1. The road to hell is paved with adverbs. ~Stephen King
  1. I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ~W.C. Fields
  1. You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club. ~Jack London
  1. I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. ~Mark Twain
  1. Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. ~Oscar Wilde
  1. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ~Stephen Wright
  1. Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead. ~Charles Bukowski
  1. Never trust anyone who has not brought a book with them. ~Lemony Snicket (Daniel Handler)
  1. Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. ~Groucho Marx
  1. I have nothing to declare except my genius. ~Oscar Wilde (upon arriving at U.S. customs)

Amusing quotes by famous people (11-20):

  1. If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you. ~Billy Wilder
  1. You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. ~Bob Hope
  1. Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise, they won’t come to yours. ~Yogi Berra
  1. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. ~Oscar Wilde
  1. Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately, it kills all its pupils. ~Louis Hector Berlioz
  1. There is no surer way to misread any document than to read it literally. ~G.K. Chesterton
  1. Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. ~Benjamin Franklin
  1. I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer. ~Douglas Adams
  1. To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. ~Oscar Wilde
  1. I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. ~Woody Allen

Amusing quotes by famous people (21-30):

  1. I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. ~Steven Wright
  1. Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes. ~Jim Carrey
  1. If it’s the Psychic Network, why do they need a phone number? ~Robin Williams
  1. I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re sceptical. ~Arthur C. Clarke
  1. The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. ~Tom Clancy
  1. I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. ~Douglas Adams
  1. Never put off until tomorrow what may be done the day after tomorrow just as well. ~Mark Twain
  1. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. ~Sir Winston Churchill
  1. When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’. ~John D. MacDonald
  1. It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains. ~Seth Grahame-Smith, “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” (parodying Jane Austen)

Amusing quotes by famous people (31-40):

  1. I’m too drunk to taste this chicken. ~Colonel Sanders
  1. I can resist everything except temptation. ~Oscar Wilde
  1. Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? ~Robin Williams
  1. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. ~Mae West 
  1. I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. ~David Lee Roth
  1. I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception. ~Groucho Marx
  1. Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position. ~Christopher Marlowe
  1. I’d rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort. ~Jean Paul Getty
  1. If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. ~Dorothy Parker
  1. I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job. ~Samuel Goldwyn

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21 amusing quotes that might just make you smile

10/10/2023 by

AMUSING QUOTESIf you’re seeking some amusing quotes, dear reader, then today’s collection might just be what you’re looking for. I hope so, anyway.

Unfortunately, they’re all authors unknown, so I haven’t been able to add credits. However, it would be a genuine pleasure to include credits if readers can shed any light on their origin. So, please do let me know.

In the meantime, enjoy today’s 21 amusing quotes:-

Amusing quotes (1-10):

  1. For the best seat in the house, you’ll have to move the dog.
  1. The best things in life are free. The rest are too expensive.
  1. Sometimes the best part of my job is a chair that swivels. 
  1. Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them.
  1. The best way to show a giraffe your love is to knit a scarf for it.
  1. I wanted to make a clever chemistry joke but the best ones argon.
  1. Kids, I don’t know if our ceiling is the best ceiling but it’s definitely up there.
  1. What’s my best non-swearing insult? “I hope you step on a Lego in your bare feet!”
  1. A woman’s dream is not to find the perfect mate. A woman’s dream is to eat without putting on weight.
  1. Laughing is one of the best exercises; it’s like running inside your mind. You can do it almost anywhere and it’s even better with a friend.

Amusing quotes (11-21):

  1. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  1. He who laughs in a crisis has found someone to blame.
  1. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  1. I don’t have a bucket list, but my to-do list is a mile long.
  1. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
  1. I’ve got a lot of jokes about retired people, but none of them work.
  1. Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a brighter day.
  1. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
  1. I don’t need a hairstylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
  1. Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.
  1. I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

Please share this post:

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If any of these quotes made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

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Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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50 Posh British phrases and things only posh people say

09/08/2023 by

POSH BRITISH PHRASESEnglish is a wonderful language and is spoken widely around the world. However many phrases and expressions used in Britain by the wealthy and well-to-do are quite unique in my experience. So let’s explore some posh British phrases and things only posh British people would say.

Meaning of posh?

The word posh is an acronym, derived from the expression Port Out Starboard Home. In the days when the British travelled to places like India by ship, those who could afford it would book a cabin on the port side of the ship going out and a cabin on the starboard side for their return journey. The reason is that these cabins would be away from the sun and therefore cooler. So, if you could afford such luxury, you were regarded as posh.

Things only posh people would say:

Social class has always been an issue in Britain and you can accurately gauge the class to which someone belongs simply by listening to what they say and how they say it.

Here are 50 expressions that, if you hear them used, you’ll know the people saying them are likely to be very posh.

Enjoy them all. And, as always, feel free to share them.

Posh British phrases (1-25):

  1. Cheerio!
  2. Spiffing!
  3. Toodle pip!
  4. I say, old chap.
  5. That’s capital!
  6. Fancy a cuppa?
  7. Oh, golly gosh!
  8. Jolly good show.
  9. No pain, no gain.
  10. I beg your pardon.
  11. I’m chuffed to bits!
  12. Oh, I love your Aga.
  13. Well done, old bean.
  14. By Jove, she’s got it!
  15. You grubby little man.
  16. Oh, jolly hockey sticks!
  17. Jolly good show, old boy.
  18. We only listen to Radio 4.
  19. That’s a load of poppycock!
  20. I must say, he’s a good egg.
  21. I’m well and truly knackered!
  22. Oh, Margot, you’re such a brick.
  23. You’re looking glum, old fellow.
  24. He came home absolutely blotto.
  25. Out of curiosity, why do you ask?

Posh British phrases (26-50):

  1. Looks like we’re on a sticky wicket.
  2. You’re really getting my dander up.
  3. We spend our summers in Tuscany.
  4. That’s simply beneath one’s dignity.
  5. Darling, please stop being so beastly.
  6. Blue and green should never be seen.
  7. We don’t mix the grain and the grape.
  8. Oh, it’s been yonks since I wore my tiara.
  9. Will you be skiing in Val d’Isère this year?
  10. Oh, it was so dull and such a frightful bore.
  11. I’m not a snob but I dislike common people.
  12. Can you tell me where the lavatory is, please?
  13. Tristan and Jemima are boarding at Haileybury.
  14. Must you really play that ghastly music so loud?
  15. British universities are wonderful. Both of them.
  16. We don’t have serviettes, dear, we have napkins.
  17. Oh, gosh, do please refrain from being so beastly.
  18. We’ll be watching Archie play rugger on Saturday.
  19. Oh, your handbag’s just divine, is it a Balenciaga?
  20. We find ourselves in a rather unsavoury bind, I’m afraid.
  21. We’re all a bit squiffy after a delightful jeroboam of bubbly.
  22. If they’re not sold in Harrods, they’re not something we buy.
  23. We’re in a terrible bind, so the villa in Tuscany will have to go.
  24. We have a delightful bottle of Château Margaux in our wine cellar.
  25. Let’s hope we’re not invited to Jeremy’s soiree next weekend. His events are such a dreadful bore.

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