35 short but brilliant one-liner quotes you’ll love

08/19/2023 by

35 BRILLIANT ONE LINER QUOTESI love brilliant one-liner quotes. In fact, whenever I come across some good ones I always make a note of them in my journal. Naturally, I review what I’ve collected occasionally and I thought today I’d share my most recent collection with you, dear reader.

So here are some short but brilliant one-liner quotes that I’m confident you’ll love.

Enjoy them all.

Brilliant one-liner quotes (1-20):

  1. When in doubt, mumble.
  2. Only dead fish go with the flow.
  3. No one’s listening until you fart.
  4. Is it bad luck to be superstitious?
  5. I want to live forever. So far, so good.
  6. Constipated people don’t give a crap.
  7. I’m in shape. Round is a shape, isn’t it?
  8. Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
  9. There are no real winners in life, only survivors.
  10. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
  11. Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
  12. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  13. If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving’s not for you!
  14. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is it homeless or naked?
  15. For every action, there’s a corresponding over-reaction.
  16. You should laugh at your problems, everyone else does.
  17. Research confirms that 4 out of 3 people struggle with math.
  18. I don’t have a solution, but I can offer a critical comment.
  19. Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
  20. Life is like a bird. It’s pretty cute until it craps on your head.

Brilliant one-liner quotes (21-35):

  1. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
  2. It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
  3. People make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
  4. The best way to lie is to tell a carefully edited version of the truth.
  5. I know God’s watching me, so the least I can be is entertaining.
  6. People who smile in a crisis have found someone else to blame.
  7. God must really love stupid people. He’s made so many of them.
  8. Laugh and the world laugh with you. Snore and you sleep alone.
  9. We’re all part of the ultimate statistic – 10 out of 10 people will die.
  10. We live in a society where pizza gets to our house before the police.
  11. Progress is made by lazy people looking for easier ways to do things.
  12. The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
  13. The hardest thing about success is finding someone who’s pleased for you
  14. The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
  15. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

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33 funny jokes for 5-year-olds that’ll tickle adults too

08/18/2023 by

Jokes-for-5-year-oldsIf you’re looking for funny jokes for 5-year-olds then I’ve curated 33 of them and I think they might just tickle you too, dear reader. I hope so, anyway.

Take a few moments to enjoy them all, or at least groan at a few, and then share them with the 5-year-olds in your life, and anyone else you think they’ll amuse as well.

Jokes for 5-year-olds (1-11):

  1. What pie can fly? – A magpie.
  2. What’s a vampire’s favourite fruit? – Nectarine.
  3. How do you start a milk pudding race? – Say go.
  4. What do you call a surgeon with eight arms? – A doctorpus
  5. What do you call a bike that bites people? – A vicious cycle.
  6. Which sea creature is good at math? – An octoplus.
  7. What do you call a Scottish parrot? – A Macaw.
  8. What do you call a pickle that draws? – A dillustrator.
  9. Who was the pizza’s favourite relative? – Aunt Chovy.
  10. Where would seaweed look for a job? – The kelp-wanted ads.
  11. What grace is said before a salad is eaten? – Lettuce pray.

Jokes for 5-year-olds (12-22):

  1. Why do lions eat raw meat? – They don’t know how to cook it.
  2. What food can be eaten in a taxi? – Corn-on-the-cab.
  3. Where would you see hamburgers boxing? – In an onion ring.
  4. What did the dinner plate say to the side plate? – Lunch is on me.
  5. What lies on the forest floor, 100 feet in the air? – A dead centipede.
  6. Which vegetable is most unreliable? – A fickle onion.
  7. What goes up but doesn’t come down? – Your age.
  8. What kind of nut will you find on a wall? – A walnut.
  9. So, how long were you there? – About five foot eleven.
  10. Why do the French eat snails? – They don’t like fast food.
  11. In what way are cooks cruel to animals? – They batter fish.

Jokes for 5-year-olds (23-33):

  1. Why did the sandwich go to the dentist? – It needed a filling.
  2. How long should you cook spaghetti? – About 30 centimetres.
  3. What is served in glasses but is hard to swallow? – A stiff drink.
  4. Why did the pickle stay home from school? – Because he felt dill.
  5. What did one snowman say to the other? – Can you smell carrots?
  6. What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses? – A coconut on holiday.
  7. Why did the orange go to the doctor? – He wasn’t peeling very well.
  8. How did the Irish potato change nationality? – It became a French fry.
  9. Why did the banana go out with the prune? – Because he couldn’t find a date.
  10. What did one strawberry say to another? – I told you we’d end up in this jam.
  11. Which is the best, a hamburger or a hot dog? – A hamburger because hot dogs are wurst.

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Thank youIf you enjoyed these jokes for 5-year-olds, dear reader, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

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5 entertaining jokes guaranteed to make you laugh

08/17/2023 by

ENTERTAINING JOKESIf you’re looking for some entertaining jokes then here are five that should make you smile.

They all tickled me and I’m confident that you too will enjoy them, dear reader. I hope so anyway.

So, take a moment to have a laugh and then please feel free to pass them on.

Entertaining jokes:

1. Challenging times:

A pirate walks into a bar in Bermuda.

He walks up to the counter and the bartender says, “Hello matey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

“What do you mean?” says the pirate. “I feel fine.”

“Well, you didn’t have that wooden leg last time I saw you,” says the bartender.

“Oh, that,” responds the pirate. “We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannonball but I’m fine now.”

“Really?” says the bartender. “What about the hook? What happened to your hand?”

“Well, we were in another battle and my hand got chopped off in a sword fight,” says the pirate. “However I got fitted with the hook and I’m fine now.”

“Seriously?” says the bartender. “But what about the eye patch?”

“Look, it’s nothing,” says the pirate. “One day we’re at sea and a flock of seagulls flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye.”

“You’ve got to be joking,” says the bartender. “You lost your eye just from seagull poop?”

“It was my first day with the hook,” says the pirate.

2. Priorities:

Two businessmen, Jim and George, are playing golf.

They’re on the seventh tee and Jim is just about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the perimeter fence.

Jim immediately aborts his swing, takes off his hat, holds it to his chest, closes his eyes and bows his head in solemn contemplation.

When the funeral cortége has passed, George says, “That’s the most touching moment I’ve ever seen Jim. Clearly, you’re a man who’s willing to show his feelings.”

Jim quickly recovers his composure, smiles and then says, “Well, I was married to her for 35 years.”

3. Guilty:

Little Jane arrived home from school and said to her mom, “Mom, today in school I was punished for something I didn’t do.”

“That’s not right,” said her mom. “I’m going to speak to your teacher about this. What was it you didn’t do?”

Looking a little embarrassed little Jane replied, “My homework.”

4. Magician’s son:

On the first day of the new academic year, the school secretary was filling out forms relating to each student’s personal details.

“What’s your father’s occupation?” she asked little Johnny.

“He’s a magician, mam,” Johnny replied.

“A magician! Wow, that’s interesting,” the secretary said in response. “What’s his favourite trick?”

“He saws people in half,” said Johnny.

“Really? That’s amazing!” said the secretary. “Right, last question. Any brothers or sisters?”

“Yes, mam,” Johnny responded. “I have two half-sisters.”

5. Tricky decision:

His Holiness the Pope, head of the Catholic Church, is visiting New York City.

Naturally, there’s a limousine waiting for him as he arrives at JFK.

After getting the Pope’s luggage loaded into the limo, the chauffeur realises that the pontiff is still standing on the sidewalk.

“Oh, I’m so sorry your holiness,” says the chauffeur, “I was so busy, I didn’t realise you were still standing there. Please take your seat in the car and we’ll leave momentarily.”

“My son, if truth be told, it’s always been my ambition to drive in New York City,” says the Pope. “They never let me drive in Rome. Would it be possible for me to drive today? Just into the city? You’d be making an old man very happy.”

“Your Holiness, I couldn’t do that. I’d lose my job!” the chauffeur responds.

“Who’s going to know?” the Pope asks with a smile. “I won’t tell if you don’t.”

Reluctant though he was, eventually the chauffeur allows himself to be persuaded.

So with a beaming smile, the Pope climbs into the driver’s seat and the chauffeur takes a seat in the back of the car.

For once he’s as free as a bird, so the pontiff decides to make the most of the experience. He presses the pedal hard to the metal, the limo takes off and they hit the freeway doing 120 mph.

“Your holiness,” pleads the chauffeur, “you’ll get a ticket if you don’t slow down.”

Well, his holiness wasn’t listening. They’re really moving at high speed when suddenly they hear the sound of a police car siren.

“Oh, holy mother of Jesus,” says the worried chauffeur. “I’m definitely going to lose my job now.”

Naturally, the Pope has no choice but to pull over.

His holiness rolls down his window as police officer Mackenzie approaches the limo.

Officer Mackenzie just takes one look at the man in the driver’s seat and he turns and goes straight back to his car and gets on to the police radio.

“I need to talk to the Chief of Police now,” police officer Mackenzie says to the dispatcher.

After a few minutes, The Chief of Police is on the radio and police officer Mackenzie tells him that he’s stopped a limo doing 120 mph on the freeway.

“So what’s the problem? Just bust his ass!” says the Chief.

“Sir, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” police officer Mackenzie responds. “There’s someone really important in the car.”

“So? That’s all the more reason to bust him,” exclaims the Police Chief.

“No sir, I mean someone who’s really, really important,” says police officer Mackenzie.

“So, who’s in the car?” asks the Chief. “Is it the Mayor?”

“No sir. Much bigger,” says police officer Mackenzie.

“You mean a Senator?” asks the Chief.

“No sir. Much bigger,” says police officer Mackenzie.

“You mean the President?” exclaims the Chief.

“No sir. Even bigger,” says police officer Mackenzie.

“Bigger than the President?” exclaims the Chief. “Well, who the hell is it?“

“Sir, I think it’s God,” police officer Mackenzie responds.

“GOD!” exclaims the Chief. “What makes you think it’s God?“

“Because his chauffeur’s the Pope!” says police officer Mackenzie.

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Entertaining JokesDid you enjoy these entertaining jokes? Were they as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader?

I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case then please share this blog post with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now on social media. If you can do that for me then I will be truly grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

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33 terrible puns, so bad they’ll make you smile

08/16/2023 by

TERRIBLE PUNSPuns can be really corny and terrible puns are the corniest of the lot. Nevertheless, lots of people like them and I always get a good response when I put a collection of them together.

So today I offer you another 33 puns, corny to the point of being terrible, but they just might make you smile too. I hope so.

Enjoy them all and please pass them on to your friends.

Terrible puns (1-11):

  1. Squid puns are inkredible.
  2. With fish puns, any fin goes.
  3. We’re big fans of renewable energy.
  4. Skeleton puns are close to the bone.
  5. With Halloween puns, anything ghost.
  6. Do I like tea? I’m willing to give it a chai.
  7. With music puns, I’ve had too much too tune.
  8. Haunted French pancakes will give you the crepes.
  9. Two blood cells fell in love but alas it was all in vein.
  10. Do busy elephants keep a list of tusks to be completed?
  11. With mountaineering puns, actions peak louder than words.

Terrible puns (12-22):

  1. Why don’t frogs wear shoes? They prefer open-toad sandals.
  2. If a plant is sad, do the other plants photosympathize with it?
  3. What did the biologist wear on his first date? Designer Genes.
  4. I went terrapin bowling the other night. It was turtley amazing.
  5. My orange was a funny color. Definitely, a whiter shade of peel.
  6. In the debate about Mexican food, I played the Devil’s avocado.
  7. If I had a ruminant of pride, would I be writing terrible camel puns?
  8. The omelette wasn’t very good, but I’ve put it down to eggsperience.
  9. Sales promotion on French breadsticks. Buy one, baguette one free!
  10. I’ve been to Joshua Tree National Park but it’s not all it’s cactus to be.
  11. There was a wild bamboo party at the zoo. It was utter panda-monium.

Terrible puns (13-33):

  1. I looked at the Indian buffet and thought, “No, I don’t want naan of that.”
  2. My wife left me because of my obsession with horoscopes. It Taurus apart.
  3. Omelettin’ you have it. Yolks about accidents in egg factories aren’t funny.
  4. The baker smiled and said, “I don’t knead money, I’ve got plenty of dough.”
  5. I’d love to explore the Arctic and boldly go where snowmen have gone before.
  6. What did the tectonic plate say when it bumped into another? “Sorry, my fault!”
  7. The baker brought out a tray of American-style, glazed, sweet treats. I said, “Donut tempt me.”
  8. A chicken walked into a bar swearing, loudly. “No fowl language, please,” said the bartender.
  9. They served leaf cabbage for lunch in the police canteen but I thought, “That’s beyond the kale of duty!”
  10. Cows were complaining about living conditions on the farm and the leader said, “We’ve herd the problems but hoof you spoken to so far?”
  11. Two Martians land in a field and the first thing they see is a cute little doe eating grass. “I’ve never seen herbivore,” one said to the other.

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Thank youSo did these terrible puns prove to be as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

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It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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5 humorous story jokes to brighten your day

08/15/2023 by

HUMOROUS STORY JOKESIf you enjoy humorous story jokes then these five might just raise a smile.

They all tickled me and I hope you’ll enjoy them too, dear reader.

And please, feel free to pass them on to your friends

Humorous story jokes:

1. The lawyer:

A wealthy New York lawyer is riding home in the back of a chauffeur-driven limousine after another lucrative day in the justice system.

As the limousine begins to gather speed along Central Park West, the lawyer notices two homeless men sitting on the ground in Central Park eating the grass.

The lawyer asks his driver to pull over and he lowers down the window and shouts to the men.

“Hey, guys,” shouts the lawyer, “why are you eating the grass?”

“We have no money to buy food and we’re hungry,” the first man responds.

“You don’t have to eat in the middle of the park,” says the lawyer, benevolently. “You can come over to my place.”

“But sir, we’re not alone,” said the second man, “Those two homeless guys over there are with us.”

“That’s fine,” the lawyer responds. “Hop into my car and you can all eat at my place.”

So the homeless men all climb into the limousine and off they go to the lawyer’s house.

As the car picks up speed, the first homeless man says, “Sir, this is very kind of you.”

“Don’t mention it,” says the lawyer. “You’ll love my place, the garden’s enormous and the grass is a foot high.”

2. The police officer and the priest:

Police officer, Danny Malone, pulls over a catholic priest for driving erratically and swerving all over the road.

Officer Malone gets out of his police car and, as he approaches the window of the priest’s car, he notices what looks like a bottle of wine in a brown bag on the passenger seat next to the priest.

Suspicious that he may have a DUI violation on his hands, Officer Malone says, “Father, I pulled you over for driving erratically and swerving back there. You haven’t been drinking have you?“

“No, my son, I haven’t,” the priest responds. “Why would you ask me that?“

“Well you were swerving all over the road and struggling to control your vehicle,” says Officer Malone. “And now I can see you have a bottle on the seat next to you.“

“Oh my son,” the priest responds. “That’s just holy water.”

“So why is it in a brown bag, Father?” Officer Malone inquires.

“To protect it from the sun’s rays, my son,” the priest responds

“Really?” says Officer Malone. “Would you mind if I take a sip then, Father?”

“Not at all, my son,” the priest responds. “Go ahead.”

Officer Malone takes the bottle from the priest and puts it to his lips. He takes a little sip and immediately spits it out on the ground.

“Father, this is wine!” exclaims Officer Malone.

“Praise the Lord!” the priest responds. “He’s done it again!”

3. Think laterally:

Zak is an old farmer down on his luck.

He’s been struggling to maintain his farm on his own since his son, Jack was sent to jail.

One day Zak writes to Jack in jail to let him know he’s struggling, and he writes the following: –

Dear Jack, I just wanted to let you know that this year I won’t be able to plant potatoes in the field. I’m just getting too old now and I can’t dig the field by myself. I know if you were here, you’d help me.

Naturally, Jack doesn’t want his father to experience any more trouble, so he quickly writes a letter back to him.

Dear Dad, Please don’t even think about digging that field because that’s where I buried the money I stole from the bank.

Well, when you’re in prison the authorities read the content of your letters before they go out in the mail.

So, it’s not long before the police show up at the farm and turn over the entire field in search of the stolen money. However, they don’t find anything.

A couple of days later Zak receives another letter from his son.

Dear Dad, Now the field’s been dug over, you should be able to go ahead and plant the potatoes. That’s the best I could do to help from here.

4. The hangover:

Following a very heavy night out with his buddies, Jerry wakes up at home the following morning with the mother of all hangovers.

His head is banging and as he forces his eyes to open, he sees a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the bedside table waiting for him.

He sits up in bed, and then he notices his clothing in front of him, all clean and freshly pressed.

Jerry looks around the room and sees that everything’s in perfect order and spotlessly clean.

He wanders downstairs with the glass of water and aspirins still in his hand and he notices a note on the living room coffee table, which reads, “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”

Jerry walks into the kitchen and sure enough, there’s a hot breakfast waiting for him, as well as the morning newspaper.

His son is sitting at the kitchen table, eating his breakfast.

“Son, do you know what happened last night?” Jerry inquires.

“Yes I do,” his son responds. “You came home after 3 a.m. You were drunk out of your mind and you could barely stand.”

“Really?” says Jerry.

“Yes, really!” said his son. “You also broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

At this point, Jerry is feeling a bit confused.

He thinks momentarily and then asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

“Oh, that?” says his son, “Well, when mom dragged you to the bedroom and tried to undress you, you just kept shouting, “Lady, leave me alone, I’m married’.”

5. Judge not lest ye be judged:

A Wall Street investment banker walks into a Manhattan bar, and as he’s standing at the counter, he notices an elderly lady sitting, quietly in the corner.

Except for this lady, the bar is full of men relaxing and enjoying a drink after a lucrative day’s trading on the financial markets.

Well, the banker’s feeling good having just closed on a major, multi-million-dollar deal that included a sizeable commission for him.

So, he says to the bartender, “Buddy, I’m buying drinks for everyone, except that old woman over there.”

The bartender looks a little uncomfortable with this blatant sexism, but business is business, so he takes the banker’s money and proceeds to serve the drinks.

The banker looks across at the woman and raises his glass with a smirk on his face. However, she just smiles and says graciously, “Thank you, sir.”

This just irritates the banker, so he immediately orders another round of drinks for everyone, except the elderly lady.

Again, the bartender looks a little uncomfortable, but the drinks are served, and the banker’s money is gratefully taken.

Once again, the banker looks across at the woman and raises his glass with a smirk on his face. However, again, she just smiles and says graciously, “Thank you, sir.”

This just irritates the banker even more, so after a few minutes he orders yet another round of drinks as well as food for everyone, except the elderly lady.

Again, the bartender looks uncomfortable, but the drinks and the food are served and the banker’s money is taken.

Thinking now he must have made his point, the banker looks across at the woman again and raises his glass with a smirk on his face. However, again, she just smiles and says graciously, “Thank you, sir.”

“What’s wrong with that old woman,” the banker asks the bartender, “I’ve just bought three rounds of drinks, as well as food for everyone, except for her, and instead of getting angry, she just smiles and thanks me. Is she stupid?“

“No, sir, she’s not stupid,” the bartender responds with a smile. “That’s Mrs O’Malley. She owns this bar.”

Moral of the Story: If you must judge people, do so with great care.

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Entertaining JokesIf you enjoyed these humorous story jokes, dear reader, then please share this post on social media with your friends.

Share the fun and everyone wins.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

So go on, please share this post now. If you could do that for me, I’d be ever so grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

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3 funny jokes for everyone in need of a laugh or two

08/11/2023 by

funny jokes for everyoneHere are three very funny jokes for everyone in need of a laugh or two today.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to share them with your friends.

Funny jokes for everyone:

1. The subtle art of getting even:

Seventeen-year-old Brandon arrived home one day driving a fabulous Porsche 917K sports car.

Naturally, for his parents witnessing his arrival, this was a jaw-dropping moment.

“Where the hell did you get that car, Brandon?” asks his father. “Did you steal it?”

“No, Dad,” replies Brandon. “I bought it.”

“Brandon,” says his mother, “a car like that would cost in excess of $10 million. How could you possibly have bought it?”

“Oh, mum, you’re exaggerating,” says Brandon. “It only cost me fifteen dollars.”

“Fifteen dollars!” exclaims his father. “Who’d be mad enough to sell you a car like that for fifteen dollars?”

“It was Mrs Jones who lives in that large mansion on my paper route,” replies Brandon. “She saw me on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

Well, Brandon’s mother and father felt compelled to pay Mrs Jones a visit.

When Mrs Jones answered the knock on her door, Brandon’s father was quick with his questions, “Why would you sell my son a classic sports car for fifteen dollars? What the hell is going on?”

“It’s very simple, really,” Mrs Jones replied. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. He told me he’d decided to run off for a new life in Hawaii with his secretary. He said he wasn’t coming back and he asked me to sell his Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

2. Senior moment:

Betty, an elderly Florida lady, had been doing her shopping and, upon returning to her car, she found four young men in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

Being the feisty lady that she was, she dropped her shopping to the floor and then grabbed a Smith & Wesson 5906 from her purse and shouted as loud as she could, “Yes, I’m armed; yes, it’s loaded; and yes, I know how to use it! Get out of the car punks!”

The four young men could see that this wasn’t a lady to be messed with, so they got out of the car and ran like hell.

Feisty as she was, naturally, Betty was still a little shaken by her experience and the adrenaline was definitely pumping through her veins.

She loaded her shopping bags into the back of the car, and then she got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she couldn’t get her key into the ignition.

Well, she tried and tried, and then she realized why.

It was for the same reason that she was suddenly wondering why was there a football, a Frisbee and two 6-packs of beer on the rear seat?

Suddenly, it dawned on her that her own car was actually located seven spaces farther along the parking line.

“Oh dear!” she exclaimed to herself

So, she transferred her shopping into her own car and then she drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four very pale young men were reporting a car-jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, curly white hair, who was armed and dangerous.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story: If you’re going to have a senior moment, make it memorable.

3. Medical cover:

3 FUNNY JOKES FOR EVERYONE Jim was out shopping in his local mall one day.

He’s browsing in a store when suddenly he suffers a serious heart attack.

Naturally, as soon as the clerks see Jim collapse on the floor, they called 911.

Within minutes paramedics are on the scene and Jim’s rushed to the nearest hospital, where he undergoes emergency open-heart, bypass surgery.

A few hours later, Jim is awakened from his surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.

Sister Philomena, a young nun, is seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms and a pen.

“Sir,” says Sister Philomena. “I know this is a difficult moment for you but I need to ask you, who is going to pay for your treatment? Do you have health insurance?”

“No mam, I don’t have any health insurance,” Jim responds, almost whispering.

“Well then, do you have any money in the bank?” asks Sister Philomena.

“No mam, I don’t have any money in the bank either,” Jim responds, once again, in an almost inaudible whisper.

Starting to get a little concerned, Sister Philomena asks, “Do you have any relatives who could help you with the payments?“

“Well, I only have a spinster sister but she’s a nun,” Jim responds.

Sister Philomena is really irritated by this insensitive comment and she announces loudly, for everyone to hear, “Sir, nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God!”

“Well then, that’s perfect,” says Jim. “You’ll be able to send the bill to my brother-in-law.“

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37 corny but funny puns to brighten your day

08/10/2023 by

FUNNY PUNSDo you enjoy funny puns, dear reader? Those wordplay jokes and one-liners just make you smile, regardless of how corny they may be.

I love clever wordplay, so I’ve curated another batch in the hope that they’ll brighten your day. You might groan at one or two, but I’m confident that some of them will tickle you.

So enjoy them and please share them with your friends.

Funny Puns (1-12):

  1. He who laughs last didn’t get it.
  2. Eat doughnuts. The original hole food.
  3. Frog parking only. All others will be toad.
  4. Dental X-rays should be called tooth pics.
  5. Mountains aren’t funny. They’re hill areas.
  6. I have a chicken-proof lawn. It’s impeccable.
  7. Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners but CATscan.
  8. Due to quarantine, I’m only doing inside jokes.
  9. Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
  10. I was mugged by six dwarves today. Not Happy!
  11. What happens if you’re scared half to death, twice?
  12. My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.

Funny Puns (13-24):

  1. I’m so terrified of elevators I take steps to avoid them.
  2. We saw a baguette in the zoo. It was bread in captivity.
  3. If you suck at playing the trumpet, that’s probably why.
  4. If I stole someone’s coffee, would I be guilty of mugging?
  5. I’m searching for fish jokes. If you have any, let minnow.
  6. Plagiarism is getting in trouble for something you didn’t do.
  7. If you’re buying smart water for $5 a bottle, it isn’t working.
  8. I’ve quit my job on the coffee plantation. Bean there, done that.
  9. My wife said the tea I made was terrible. Her criticism was brewtal.
  10. I held the door open for a clown, which I thought was a nice jester.
  11. The problem with political jokes is that sometimes they get elected.
  12. It was a terrible summer for Humpty Dumpty but he had a great fall.

Funny Puns (25-37):

  1. If you’re cold, sit in the corner, it’s 90 degrees. Now that’s acute joke.
  2. The inventor of the knock-knock joke has been awarded a no-bell prize.
  3. In the frosty field, the cows are Friesian. Stop me if you’ve herd this one.
  4. I’m having my hair done today by a Jamaican hairdresser. I’m dreading it.
  5. If a wife denies her husband his morning coffee, is that grounds for divorce.
  6. When you’re swimming in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a Moray.
  7. Never, ever do anything you wouldn’t want to have to explain to paramedics.
  8. My husband left me to become an astronaut. He said I didn’t give him enough space.
  9. Singing in the shower is fun until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
  10. At Medical School, I considered specialising in proctology until I realised it was a bum job.
  11. Restaurant diner’s in hospital, having been served horse meat. Doctor says he’s in a stable condition.
  12. The guy told me he was a wealthy businessman. Turns out he was just an electrician. I was shocked.
  13. ME: Why are all the cakes 50 cents, except that one which is a dollar? BAKER: That’s Madeira cake.

Funny PunsPlease share this post:

So did these funny puns prove to be as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read here then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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5 funny jokes to tell your friends to make them laugh

08/09/2023 by

FUNNY JOKES TO TELL YOUR FRIENDSIf you’re looking for some funny jokes to tell your friends then look no further. Here are five little gems that are guaranteed to raise a smile.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to pass them on.

Funny jokes to tell your friends:

1. Challenging times:

When Jim arrived home one day, he was met at his front door by his wife, Elaine. She was sobbing uncontrollably.

“What’s the matter, honey?” asked Jim.

“It’s the pharmacist,” Elaine responded. “He insulted me terribly when I spoke with him on the phone earlier.”

Naturally, Jim drove downtown immediately to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.

Before Jim could say more than a few words the pharmacist interrupted him.

“Sir, please just listen to my side of the story first,” said the pharmacist.

“Go on then, I’m listening,” said Jim sharply.

“Well, this morning,” said the pharmacist, “my alarm failed to go off and so I was late getting up. I missed breakfast and hurried to my car. However, as I slammed my front door, I realised that it had locked with the keys to the house and the car inside. So, I had to break a window to get back in the house to get my keys.”

“But how does that explain the way you spoke to my wife,” asked Jim.

“Sir, I’m getting to that,” said the pharmacist. “Naturally, having broken a window, I had to board it up before I left. That made me even later. So, I was speeding in my car, in an attempt to make up the time, but a cop stopped me and I got a speeding ticket. Then three blocks from my store I got a flat tire.”

“So, you were unfortunate, so what?” Jim responds.

“I lost more time changing the wheel on my car,” the pharmacist continued, “and then when I got to my store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open. They were unhappy but I served them as quickly as I could, despite their moaning at me, and all the time the phone was ringing off the hook.”

“Fine, but how does that explain your treatment of my wife,” asks Jim.

“Well, the pressure didn’t end there,” the pharmacist continued. “To give a customer change, I had to break a roll of nickels but they spilt out of my hands, all over the floor. I get down on my knees to pick up all the nickels and the phone is still ringing. Then, I get up off my knees only to crack my head on the open cash register. I then fell backwards against I showcase of expensive perfume bottles. They all hit the floor and there was glass smashed everywhere. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing.”

“So, what did you do then,” asked Jim.

“Well, finally, I had no choice but to answer the phone,” said the pharmacist. “It was your wife and she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And I can honestly say mister, all I did was tell her!”

2. Under the influence:

A police officer spots a man driving erratically and thinks he might be witnessing a DUI violation.

Naturally, he pulls the guy over.

“Sir,” said the officer, “have you been drinking?”

“Yes, officer,” the guy responds, “I have.”

“So, how much have you drunk tonight?” the officer asks.

“Well, let me see,” says the guy, “I started in O’Malley’s Bar, and I had five beers there. Then I went to Finnigan’s Bar, and I drank seven double vodkas. Finally, I went to Riley’s Bar, and I drank a full bottle of Bushmills whiskey.”

“Sir,” said the police officer, “I need you to step out of your car and take a breathalyser test to see if you’re over the limit.”

“Why?” says the guy. “Don’t you believe me?”

3. Missing the obvious:

A guy arrives on a bicycle from Mexico at the US Border in San Diego.

He’s carrying a large bag of light brown powder and immediately the customs officers think he’s smuggling drugs.

So, they search him and test the powder. However, he’s carrying nothing suspicious, and the powder turns out to be nothing but fine sand.

The next day the same guy arrives at the border again, on a bicycle, carrying another bag of light brown powder.

Once again, he’s searched, and the powder is tested. Again, they find nothing suspicious, and the powder is just sand.

This saga goes on every day for the next three years. Every day the guy arrives on a bicycle, carrying a bag of what proves to be nothing but sand.

One day, one of the customs officers bumps into the guy in a bar in San Diego and his curiosity gets the better of him.

“Listen, buddy,” says the customs officer, “we know you’ve been smuggling something. Between you and me, what is it? It’s driving me crazy.”

The guy smiles broadly and then says, “Bicycles!”

4. Misunderstanding:

My wife and I were all dressed up and ready to go out for an evening of dinner and theatre. However, having been burgled previously, naturally, we were security-conscious. So we turned on a night light and put our cat out in the backyard.

When our cab arrived, we were walking out of our front door when our cat Milly shot back in again and ran up the stairs.

Unfortunately, Milly liked to chase our pet parakeet, so the two of them couldn’t be left alone in the house together.

So, my wife went back into the house to catch the cat and put it back outside again.

Naturally, security-conscious as ever, I didn’t want the cab driver to know our house would be empty, so I told him that my wife had just gone inside momentarily to say good night to her mother.

A few minutes later my wife got into the cab looking very hot and bothered.

“Sorry, it took so long,” she said. “The stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then she tried to take off again, so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass down the stairs and threw her into the backyard. So, she’d better not crap on my vegetable garden whilst we’re out!”

The look on the cab driver’s face was priceless.

5. Communication breakdown:

5 very funny jokes to tell your friends.Judge Bernstein was interviewing an elderly lady regarding her pending divorce.

“So, Mrs Thompson,” said Judge Bernstein, “what are the grounds for your divorce?“

“About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by,” replied Mrs Thompson.

“No,” he said the judge, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?“

“Oh,” Mrs Thompson responded, “it’s made of wood, slate, brick and mortar.”

“No, no,” said the judge, “I mean, what are your relations like?“

“Well,” she Mrs Thompson, “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so does my husband.“

“Mrs Thompson, do you have a real grudge?” the judge asked warily.

“No, your honour,” replied Mrs Thompson. “We have a two-car carport.”

The judge tried once again, “Please, Mrs Thompson, is there any infidelity in your marriage?“

“Yes,” said Mrs Thompson. “Both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes.”

“Mam, please,” said the judge. “Does your husband ever beat you up?“

“Yes,” said Mrs Thompson. “He gets up earlier than I do on Saturdays when he’s playing golf.“

Finally, the judge cannot contain his frustration any longer.

“Lady, why do you want a divorce?” he asks.

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” Mrs Thompson replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he can’t communicate with me!“

Please share this post with your friends:

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I hope so anyway.

If that’s the case then please share this blog post with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

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5 entertaining jokes guaranteed to raise a laugh or two

08/08/2023 by

entertaining jokesIf you enjoy entertaining jokes then here are five that I’m confident will make you smile.

Enjoy them all and share them all with your friends.

Entertaining jokes:

1. Softball fanatics:

Two 90-year-old women, Mabel and Lily, had been the best of friends all of their lives.

Now Mabel had been in poor health for a couple of years and it was clear that her last days were not too far away. Naturally, her good friend Lily visited her every single day.

One day as they were chatting, Lily said, “Mabel, we’ve both enjoyed playing softball all our lives. All through high school and ever since we really enjoyed playing the game we both love. So, do me a great favour. When you get to Heaven, please find a way to let me know whether I’ll be able to play softball with you when we’re both there.”

Mabel looked up from her deathbed and said, “Lily, you’ve been my best friend since we were children. If it’s at all possible, I will do this favour for you.”

They were to be Mabel’s last words because, sadly, she passed away silently in her sleep that very night.

The following night, Lily was awakened suddenly from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light, and a voice calling out to her, “Lily, Lily!”

“Who is it?” said Lily.

“Lily,” said the voice, “it’s me, your friend Mabel.”

“You can’t be Mabel,” said Lily. “Mabel passed away yesterday.”

“Lily, it is me, Mabel,” insisted the voice.

“Mabel, where are you then?” asked Lily.

“I’m in Heaven,” said Mabel. “I’ve got some good news for you and a little bad news too.”

“What’s the good news?” asked Lily.

“Well, the good news is that women’s softball is played in Heaven,” said Mabel.

“Oh, that’s wonderful,” said Lily.

“Better still,” said Mabel, “all of our old buddies who died before me are here to play with too.”

“Really?” said Lily.

“Yes,” Mabel responded. “And even better than that, we’re all young again, it’s always springtime up here, and it never rains or snows. We can play softball whenever we want, and we never get tired.”

“Wow,” said Lily “that’s fantastic. So, what’s the bad news?”

“You’ll be pitching next Tuesday?” Mabel responded.

2. Married bliss:

Jim and Jean had been married for over 30 years and, in all that time, they’d never fought, not even once.

One day, Jim and his friend Bill were talking and Bill was impressed to hear about what sounded like such a harmonious relationship.

“How is that even possible?” Bill asked.

“Well,” said Jim, “when we got married, we stayed at my late uncle’s Texas ranch for our honeymoon. On the first day we went out horse riding and we hadn’t gone far before Jean’s horse jumped and she fell off.”

“Really?” Bill exclaimed. “So, what happened then?”

“Well, as cool as you like,” said Jim, “Jean just got up, patted the horse and then said, ‘This is your first time!’.”

“Wow!” said Bill.

“After a while,” Jim continued, “it happened again. And again, Jean just got up, patted the horse and said, ‘This is your second time!’.”

“I’m guessing that’s not the end of the story,” said Bill.

“No,” said Jim. “It happened again, and this time she pulled out a gun and shot the horse.”

“No!” said a very surprised Bill. “What happened then?”

“I shouted at her,” said Jim. “Are you crazy? You’ve just killed a perfectly innocent animal!”

Jim paused momentarily and then continued, “She gave me a menacing look and then said, ‘This is your first time!’.”

3. Smart sheepdog:

A farmer wants to check how many sheep he has in his field.

So he decides to ask his sheepdog to count them all.

The dog runs into the field, counts them all and runs back to the farmer.

“How many?” the farmer asks.

“Forty,” says the dog.

“How can there be forty,” the farmer asks, “I only bought thirty-eight.”

“I rounded them up,” the dog responded.

4. Caring son:

“Hello,” said the voice. “Is this the Police?”

“Yes,” said the operator, “How can we help you?”

“I’m calling to report Jim Brown,” said the voice.

“Why?” said the operator, “What’s he done?”

“He’s hiding drugs inside his wood store,” said the voice.

That very evening, after dark, the police swooped on the house of Jim Brown.

They search his wood store thoroughly and then, with sharp axes, they chop up every log, reducing them all to pieces of firewood.

The Police find absolutely nothing and so they leave empty-handed.

The next day, Jim Brown receives a telephone call from his son.

“Hi Dad, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to come over to help you yesterday but did the Police arrive?” asked his son.

“Yes,” Jim responded.

“Did they chop up all your firewood?” his son asks.

“Yes, they did,” says Jim.

“That’s great Dad,” says his son, “Happy birthday!”

entertaining-jokes5. The trip to Rome:

Jane was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled and ready for a trip to Rome with her husband.

Naturally, Jane is talking with her hairdresser and she mentions how excited she is to be going on her forthcoming trip to the Eternal City.

“Rome?” said the hairdresser. “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?“

“Well,” said Jane, “we’re flying American Airlines and we got a really great deal on the tickets!“

“Oh, I just hate American Airlines,” said the hairdresser. “Their planes are old, their inflight service is terrible and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?“

“We’ll be staying at this exclusive little place called the Hotel Splendide Royal,” Jane responded. “Oh, I just can’t wait.”

Stop right there,” said the hairdresser. “I’ve heard about that place. Everybody thinks it’s special, but my friend told me it’s actually a real dump. So, what will you do whilst you’re there?“

“We’re going to see the Vatican,” said Jane, “and maybe we might even get to see the Pope.“

The hairdresser laughed, “You and a million other people will be trying to see the Pope and, even if you do, he’ll look the size of an ant, you’ll be so far away. Sounds like a lousy trip. I wish you luck because you’re going to need it.“

Six weeks later, Jane’s back from her trip and sitting in the same hairdresser’s having her hair styled once again.

Naturally, the hairdresser is interested to hear all about Jane’s trip to Rome.

“Oh, it was wonderful,” said Jane, “the best vacation ever.”

“Really!” said the hairdresser. “In what way was it so great?”

“Well, first off, the brand new plane we travelled on was overbooked and so American Airlines very kindly upgraded us to First Class at no charge,” said Jane. “The inflight service was terrific, the food and wine were just wonderful, we arrived bang on time, and the cabin crew couldn’t have been more attentive throughout the journey.”

“So, you got lucky with the flight,” said the hairdresser sarcastically. “How was the hotel?”

“Oh, my goodness, it couldn’t have been better,” said Jane. “It had recently had a major makeover, and because it was overbooked, we got upgraded to a suite, at no charge. Best hotel experience ever.”

“Well, lucky you,” muttered the hairdresser. “I’ll bet you didn’t get to see the Pope though.“

“Actually, we were very lucky,” said Jane. “We were walking around the Vatican when a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and said that the Pope would like to speak with me.”

“Oh, really!” said the hairdresser. “And what did the Pope have to say when you met him?“

“He said, my God woman, who made such a terrible mess of your hair?” said Jane with a smile.

Please share these entertaining jokes:

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If you did enjoy this post then please share it with your friends on social media.

People really do enjoy entertaining jokes, so please share this post now.

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9 funny jokes to tell your friends in the bar after work

08/04/2023 by

9 FUNNY JOKES to tell your friends in the bar after workIf you’re looking for some funny jokes to tell your friends in the bar after work, then look no further.

There are some excellent ones here. Well, I think so, anyway.

I hope you enjoy them all too. If you do, please feel free to pass them on.

Funny jokes to tell:

1. Turning a problem into an opportunity:

A young guy named Jim meets a farmer in a bar.

They get talking over a beer at the counter and very soon Jim’s bought a horse from the farmer unseen for $250. Not only has he not seen the nag, Jim even agreed to pay upfront too.

The farmer agrees to deliver the horse to Jim’s home the next day.

Sure enough the next morning the farmer arrives at Jim’s home but the news is not quite what Jim is expecting.

“Sorry, son,” says the farmer, “but unfortunately the horse has died.”

“Well,” says Jim, “just give me back my money.”

“Sorry, son,” responds the farmer, “I can’t do that because I’ve already spent your money.”

“Well, in that case,” says Jim, “just bring me the dead horse.”

“What are you going to do with a dead horse?” asks the farmer.

“I’ll raffle him off, to get my money back,” says Jim.

“You can’t raffle a dead horse!” exclaims the farmer, sounding a little surprised.

“Sure, I can. Just watch me!” says Jim. “I just won’t mention the fact that the horse is dead.”

A couple of months later, the farmer bumps into Jim in the same bar where they met originally.

“Hi,” says the farmer. “Tell me, what happened to the dead horse?”

“I raffled him off like I said I would,” Jim responds.

“Oh really, and how did that go?” asks the farmer.

“It was brilliant,” says Jim. “I sold 1,000 raffle tickets at $5 each and after what I gave you for the horse plus expenses, I made $4,575 profit.”

“Really?” says the farmer. “Didn’t anyone complain about the horse being dead?”

“Yes,” says Jim, “the guy who won. So I gave him back his five dollars.”

2. The power of flight:

Bill walks into a bar located on the roof terrace of a skyscraper in downtown Metropolis.

Bill’s standing at the counter waiting to be served, when the guy next to him offers him a sip of his cocktail.

“Take a sip of this cocktail buddy,” the guy says, slurring his words. “It’s a special drink and it will give you the power of flight.”

“Oh, that’s got to be nonsense,” says Bill. “There’s no way taking a sip of someone’s drink will have me flying around the rooftops of Metropolis.”

“Would I lie to you?” the guy says to Bill. “Let me show you.”

With that, the guy swallows the contents of the glass, then jumps off the roof, flies around in a wide circle and then glides smoothly back onto the roof terrace.

Bill is amazed by what he’s just witnessed. So he says to the bartender, “I’ll have whatever he’s been drinking.”

Bill is served the same cocktail which he swallows in one and then he attempts to jump off the roof but falls flat on his face on the edge of the roof terrace.

The bartender looks at the guy who’d encouraged Bill to try the cocktail and says, “Dammit, you really are a nuisance to other customers when you’re drunk Superman.”

3. Customer needs:

I was in Walmart just before Thanksgiving this year.

A lady was looking through a pile of frozen turkeys but she couldn’t seem to find one big enough for her needs.

I heard her speak with the clerk and she said, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

“No, mam!” he replied. “They’re all dead.”

Well, it made me smile.

4. Generous spirit:

I bumped into a woman outside the shopping mall who was crying because she’d just lost $200.

I felt really sorry for her, so I gave her $50 from the $200 I’d just found.

Well, when God smiles at you, it’s only right that you share your good fortune with those less fortunate than you.

5. Getting things done:

Yesterday, Mary’s husband Jim thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen.

So, naturally, Jim sprayed everything down very carefully and then cleaned the entire kitchen thoroughly from wall to wall and floor to ceiling. Absolutely nothing escaped his cleaning regime. When he’d finished the kitchen sparkled like new.

Today, Mary put the cockroach in the bathroom.

Moral of the Story: Never, ever underestimate a woman’s cunning.

6. Corny joke of the week:

Last night I saw two cows playing poker whilst smoking a couple of huge spliffs.

Yes, that’s right! The steaks were high.

7. Caught out:

Jane arrived in the office one morning and her boss said to her, “Jane, do you believe in life after death?”

Looking slightly puzzled, she responded, “Well, I’m not aware that there’s any proof it exists.”

“Well, in that case,” her boss said, “you might be interested to know that after you left early yesterday to go to your uncle’s funeral, he came into the office looking for you.”

8. The art of tact:

Jim is planning to take his new lady friend on a two-week cruise around the islands of the Eastern Caribbean. However, he has one problem, he needs someone to take care of his cat and his elderly father.

After a little searching around his friends, Jim’s old High School buddy Billy Bob volunteers to act as caretaker.

So, Jim and his lady friend go off on their cruise and for a few days’ life is good.

Then, suddenly, Jim receives an email from Billy Bob on his smartphone.

The message simply reads, “Jim, your cat was hit by a car and it’s dead. Regards, Billy Bob.“

Well, Jim thinks that’s a brutal way of letting him know about the fate of his beloved pet, so he phones Billy Bob immediately to tell him so.

“Listen, buddy,” says Jim. “You could have been a bit more sensitive and tactful in the way you let me know about my cat.”

Well, Billy Bob doesn’t quite understand. “What do you mean, buddy?”

“Well,” Jim responds, “it would have been better if you’d adopted a three-email strategy.”

“What in hell is a three-email strategy?” asks Billy Bob.

“Look, it’s easy,” says Jim. “In the first email, you start off by saying, I just wanted to let you know your cat’s been climbing trees.”

“Right, and then what?” asks Billy Bob.

“Well, the next day you send a second message, saying your cat’s fallen out of a tree and hurt its paw,” says Jim.

“And, then what?” asks Billy Bob.

“Well, finally,” Jim continues, “the following day, you send a third message saying, after falling out of a tree and hurting its paw, the cat was hit by a car and sadly it’s dead. With this strategy, at least I get a chance to slowly come to terms with my loss.”

“Gotcha,” says Billy Bob, “I’ll remember that next time.”

A few more days go by and Jim’s enjoying his vacation when suddenly he receives another email which reads, “Jim, I just wanted to let you know your father’s been climbing trees. Regards, Billy Bob.”

9. Very early Christmas joke:

Three buddies had been having more than a few drinks in a series of Manhattan bars on Christmas Eve.

They’re staggering along Broadway trying to cross the street when they’re all hit by a truck and killed.

In the blink of an eye, they find themselves standing in front of St Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Gentlemen,” says St Peter, “to get into Heaven at this time of year, you must have something on you that represents Christmas.”

The first guy, Jim, flicks his cigarette lighter and says to St Peter, “The flame represents the light that Christmas brings to our lives.”

“Very good,” says St Peter. “James, you may make your way through the Pearly Gates.”

The second guy, Stan, jingles his car keys and then says, “They represent the jingle of Santa’s sleigh bells.”

“Very good,” says St Peter. “Stanley, you may make your way through the Pearly Gates.”

St Peter then looks at the last guy, Mick, who is staggering all over the place and rummaging around in his pockets.

Eventually, Mick pulls out some items of ladies’ underwear from his jacket pocket and holds them up for St Peter to see,

With a puzzled look on his face, St Peter asks, “Michael, how do these items represent Christmas?”

“Oh, they’re Carol’s,” said Mick, with a sheepish grin.

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