Witty One-liners

11 great one-liner jokes that will make your toes curl

01/03/2024 by

GREAT ONE-LINER JOKESHere are another 11 one-liners brought to my attention by readers, which I thought I’d share with you.

I can’t be sure of their origins, but they all made me smile, and I hope they brighten your day too, dear reader.

These are great one-liner jokes that will make your toes curl, I’m sure. I hope so anyway.

Enjoy them all.

Great one-liner jokes:

  1. A girl’s thoughts when she starts dating a guy – Date #1: That’s a really nice shirt. Date #2: Wow. That’s another nice shirt. Date #3: That’s the shirt he wore on our first date. Date #4: OK, he’s only got two decent shirts.
  2. The four sweetest words you can use when people didn’t listen to you? I told you so!
  3. My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I definitely laugh more.
  4. I prefer living in the past. At least the cost of housing was much cheaper.
  5. Military personnel can be charged for losing equipment. In the army you’ll pay $150 for losing your rifle. That explains why, in the Navy, a captain will always go down with his ship.
  6. I gave my wife the silent treatment for an entire week. At the end of it she said to me, “It’s been nice this week, we’ve really been getting on well.”
  7. There’s a new support group for compulsive talkers. It’s called On Anon.
  8. I’ve just found the worst page in my dictionary. The content is disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, disingenuous and disreputable.
  9. Why bother keeping up with the Joneses when you could drag them down to your level. Surely it’s less expensive that way?
  10. For Christmas or birthdays, buy your kids a set of batteries and just put a note inside saying “Toys not included.”
  11. My favourite hobby is going down to the beach and burying metal objects that have the words “Get a Life” inscribed on them.

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So, dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these great one-liner jokes made you smile, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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30 corny one-liners you might just enjoy

12/26/2023 by

corny one-linersLooking for some corny one-liners, dear reader? A few corny jokes to make you smile?

Well, I’ve got 30 of them today, just for you.

I can assure you that these are all full ‘groan’. However, I’m confident they’ll raise a smile or two in the process.

So take a few minutes, perhaps grab a coffee, and enjoy them all.

And if you do enjoy them, feel free to pass them on.

Corny one-liners (1-15):

  1. A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
  2. I hate German sausage. It’s the wurst.
  3. I used to be a tap dancer, but I fell in the sink.
  4. Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
  5. I changed my iPhone’s name to Titanic; because it’s syncing now.
  6. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
  7. What did the Statue of Liberty say to the New Yorker? “You’re such a Big Apple!”
  8. Why did the bee go to the doctor? Because he had hives.
  9. What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam!
  10. Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi!
  11. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
  12. I used to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it.
  13. I was looking for my missing watch, but I couldn’t find the time.
  14. What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone!
  15. What did the ocean say to the sailboat? Nothing, it just waved!

Corny one-liners (16-30):

  1. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
  2. What did the paper say to the pencil? Stop scribbling!
  3. Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired!
  4. Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
  5. What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror? Halloumi!
  6. Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Because they’re shellfish.
  7. What did the monkey say when he found a banana in his cereal? A-peeling!
  8. Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well-armed!
  9. I used to be a banker but then I lost interest.
  10. Why doesn’t everyone learn sign language? It’s pretty handy.
  11. I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.
  12. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
  13. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.
  14. Why don’t skeletons ever go out on the town? Because they don’t have any body to go with
  15. I couldn’t quite remember how to throw the boomerang, but eventually, it came back to me.

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People love corny jokes, so please share this post now.

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You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

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Funniest One-liners: 66 silly jokes to tickle you

12/20/2023 by

FUNNIEST ONE-LINERSIf you’re looking for a laugh, here is a collection of silly jokes, corny puns, and some of the funniest one-liners you will read today.

Yes, they’re all a bit corny, but I’m confident many of them will tickle you too.

So, take a few moments to enjoy them all.

And don’t forget that everyone needs a little laughter in their lives.

So, please pass them on.

Thank you, dear reader.

Funniest one-liners (1-22):

  1. Add insult to injury; sign someone’s cast.
  2. You mustn’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.
  3. 6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
  4. If you need help building an ark, I Noah guy.
  5. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  6. One exotic bird can’t make a pun but toucan.
  7. Just when you think you’ve got a good life, it’s broken.
  8. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
  9. I’m suffering from schizophrenia, but I’m good people.
  10. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s on my list.
  11. I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
  12. What do dogs do when watching a DVD? Press paws.
  13. I wanted to be a doctor, but I didn’t have the patients.
  14. I went to a seafood disco, and I ended up pulling a mussel.
  15. Two WiFi engineers got married. The reception was fantastic.
  16. How do scientists freshen their breath? With experi-mints!
  17. My wife’s bakery burned down last night. Her business is toast.
  18. What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner!
  19. I bought my gun from a guy called T-Rex. He was a small arms dealer.
  20. I got fired from my job as a set designer. So I left without making a scene.
  21. What’s the easiest way to burn 2,000 calories? You leave a tray of brownies in the oven while you’re taking a nap.
  22. A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres.

Funniest one-liners (23-44):

  1. How do rabbits travel? By hareplanes.
  2. What kind of music do planets like? Neptunes.
  3. How do you count cows? With a cow-culator.
  4. What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships.
  5. When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.
  6. What do cows most like to read? Cattle-logs.
  7. What do lawyers wear to work? Lawsuits.
  8. I was going to tell a pizza joke, but it’s too cheesy.
  9. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
  10. I’m on a whisky diet, and I’ve lost three days already.
  11. How do you tell if a vampire’s sick? Check if he’s coffin.
  12. How many people are buried in the cemetery? All of them.
  13. What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.
  14. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
  15. The cannibal arrived late for the buffet, so he was given the cold shoulder.
  16. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
  17. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
  18. Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop?
  19. Why did the girl give her pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse.
  20. What makes long division such hard work? All those numerals you have to carry.
  21. I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up my pillow was gone.
  22. Cinderella tried out for the basketball team at high school, but she kept running away from the ball.

66 funniest one-linersFunniest one-liners (45-66):

  1. What do you call a sad cow? A blue moo.
  2. What has a bottom at the top? Your legs.
  3. How can you see flying saucers? Trip up a waiter.
  4. What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality.
  5. Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
  6. What did the cake say to the fork? You want a piece of me?
  7. Who ruled France until he exploded? Napoleon Blownapart.
  8. Why did the bee start talking poetry? It was waxing lyrical.
  9. Why don’t melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
  10. Who went into the tiger’s den and came out alive? The tiger.
  11. How does fast light travel? The same way that slow light travels.
  12. What do you get if you cross a crocodile with a camera? A snapshot.
  13. What’s the longest piece of furniture in the world? A multiplication table.
  14. What do you get if you cross a hula dancer with a boxer? A Hawaiian punch.
  15. What did the waiter say to the skunk? Sorry, I can’t take your odour.
  16. She was only a plumber’s daughter, but she sure gave my heart a wrench.
  17. What’s brown and hairy and wears sunglasses? A coconut on holiday.
  18. What do you get if you cross a compass with a shellfish? A guided mussel.
  19. Why did the robber jump in the bathtub? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
  20. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
  21. What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine? Give me my quarterback.
  22. Why is a room full of married people empty? Because there isn’t a single person in it.

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So, dear reader, were these some of the funniest one-liners, in your opinion?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh.

If so, then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read in this post, then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

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25 amusing quotes about getting old to tickle you

12/18/2023 by

AMUSING QUOTES ABOUT GETTING OLDThere are worse things than getting old. Not getting old being just one of them. Nevertheless, being old is a tough gig. Like an old car, everything starts to wear out, and it all seems to happen at once. That’s life, unfortunately, and we just have to get used to it.

The trick is to remain stupid and cheerful, and that way you’ll experience less stress. You can try smart and angry if you prefer, but I think you’ll find it doesn’t help improve anything.

One great way to remain cheerful is to read something amusing each day.

So today I offer you 25 amusing quotes about getting old to make you smile. Certainly, they all made me smile.

If you’re old, I’m sure some of them will resonate with you. If you’re not old, then enjoy your youth while you can. The years will pass in the blink of an eye.

Whatever your age, remember, you’ll never be as young again as you are today.  And you’ll never have today again, either. So, you might as well enjoy it.

Amusing quotes about getting old:

  1. Looking 50 is great if you’re 60. ~Joan Rivers
  2. Age is a high price to pay for maturity. ~Tom Stoppard
  3. No man is ever old enough to know better. ~Holbrook Jackson
  4. Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician. ~Author Unknown
  5. When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick. ~George Burns
  6. A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams. ~John Barrymore
  7. You’re only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. ~Ogden Nash
  8. Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative. ~Maurice Chevalier
  9. You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.” ~Jerry Seinfeld
  10. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. ~Author Unknown
  11. Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. ~George Burns
  12. A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘“At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” ~Claude Pepper
  13. You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. ~Bob Hope
  14. He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money upfront. ~George Burns
  15. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. ~Billy Crystal
  16. True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. ~Kurt Vonnegut
  17. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward. ~John Mortimer
  18. You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. ~Woody Allen
  19. As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. ~Sir Norman Wisdom
  20. I don’t do alcohol anymore. I can get the same effect just by standing up fast. ~Author Unknown
  21. None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm. ~Henry David Thoreau
  22. Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed, and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look, and pulled down the shade. ~Joan Rivers 
  23. Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. ~Larry Lorenzoni
  24. It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens. ~Woody Allen
  25. If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself. ~Author Unknown

amusing quotes about getting oldPlease share with your friends:

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So go on, please share this post now, and you’ll be making an old blogger very happy.

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21 very funny one-liners that are pure gold

12/14/2023 by

funny one-linersDon’t you just love people who are quick with a joke and are never short of a witty riposte or two when they need it?

I think you have to admire a quick wit.

However, did you know that many so-called quick wits simply memorize a lot of witty stuff and create for themselves a mental ‘quiver full of arrows’ ready for use whenever necessary?

Well, if they can do that, then so can you.

All you need is a little ammunition to get started.

So here are some very funny one-liners to get you going. See how many of them you can work into your day.

They all made me smile, and I hope they brighten your day too. So give yourself a break for a few minutes and enjoy today’s smiles.

Funny one-liners:

  1. If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving’s not for you.
  2. Wear short sleeves! Support the right to bare arms!
  3. How come we never see the headline, “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
  4. 42.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  5. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  6. Borrow money from a pessimist; they don’t expect it back.
  7. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  8. Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
  9. Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
  10. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  11. Get a new car for your spouse; it’ll be a great trade!
  12. It is as bad as you think, and they are out to get you
  13. Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
  14. Support bacteria; they’re the only culture some people have.
  15. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
  16. There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
  17. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  18. What is a free gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
  19. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  20. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
  21. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Please share this post with your friends:

So, dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these funny one-liners made you smile, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Thank you for your support.

Articles you might enjoy:

You might like to try these free games too:

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33 witty one-liners that will really tickle you

12/05/2023 by

WITTY ONE-LINERSWould you like a few witty one-liners to brighten your day, dear reader?

Well, I’ve got an excellent selection for you today.

Once again, I’ve been trawling my journals to assemble a collection of witty one-liners that I’m confident you’ll enjoy.

These have all been collected over time, and I can’t be sure who the originators were, so I can’t provide an acknowledgement on this occasion. However, if you have any ideas, please let me know.

In the meantime, enjoy them all, and please do share them with your friends.

Witty one-liners (1-11):

  1. Bad puns? That’s how eye roll.
  2. My patience has stretch marks.
  3. If you need an ark, I Noah guy.  
  4. Is a Will defined as a dead giveaway?
  5. Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers.
  6. I used to be a banker but I lost interest. 
  7. The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
  8. Geology rocks but geography is where it’s at! 
  9. Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives.
  10. Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up.
  11. How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!

Witty one-liners (12-22):

  1. I make apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow.
  2. I wanted to grow herbs but I couldn’t find the thyme.
  3. Simba was walking too slowly so I told him to Mufasa. 
  4. I used to sell computer parts but then I lost my drive.
  5. The only thing flat-earthers have to fear is sphere itself.
  6. Gravity jokes are getting old but I fall for them every time.
  7. Why couldn’t the chicken find her eggs? She’d mislaid them. 
  8. Do people who climb the world’s highest mountain ever rest?
  9. I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
  10. I tried to make a belt out of watches but it was a waist of time.
  11. If a priest blesses an avocado does it become Holy Guacamole?

Witty one-liners (23-33):

  1. I used to be a transplant surgeon but my heart just wasn’t in it.
  2. Mosquitoes are like family – annoying, but they carry your blood.
  3. England doesn’t have a kidney bank but it does have a Liverpool.
  4. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.
  5. I was going to look for my missing watch but I couldn’t find the time. 
  6. I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
  7. Why was the baseball player a bad sport? He stole third base and then went home!
  8. BREAKING NEWS: Cheese factory explodes in France. Nothing left but de Brie!
  9. Stalin should have known communism wouldn’t work. There were red flags everywhere.
  10. I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare but he chewed it a lot. Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.
  11. Someone sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Please share this post with your friends:

Witty One-LinersIf you enjoyed this post, dear reader, then please share it with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share it now. If you can do that for me, I’ll be forever grateful.

You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some more laughs, then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Your support is appreciated, dear reader. Thank you.

Articles you might enjoy:

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39 Clever one-liners guaranteed to get your friends laughing

11/15/2023 by

CLEVER ONE-LINERSYou may not be a stand-up comedian, dear reader, but if you’re anything like me, I’m sure you like to have a few clever one-liners up your sleeve ready to amuse your friends.

It’s always useful to have a few good one-liner jokes in your back pocket, wouldn’t you agree?

Certainly, a funny joke never fails to break the ice in social situations. That’s why I collect them in my journal.

And I was asked recently if I would go through my collection and share a few more with readers. So today, I’ve done that just for you.

Next time you’re at a loss for words, try out one or two of these clever one-liners and watch how your popularity grows.

Enjoy them all, and then share them with your friends.

Clever one-liners (1-10):

  1. I doubt; therefore, I might be.
  2. Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
  3. Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
  4. Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.
  5. I want patience, – AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
  6. Today’s a day for firm decisions! Or is it?
  7. If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
  8. Despite the cost of living, it remains popular.
  9. What’s worse than ants in your pants? Uncles.
  10. I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.

Clever one-liners (11-20):

  1. Those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand!
  2. If talk is cheap, why is hiring a lawyer so expensive?
  3. I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
  4. Why do bees hum? Because they can’t remember the lyrics.
  5. My math teacher called me average. Which I think is mean.
  6. The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it is on my list.
  7. Every organization will get results consistent with its design.
  8. Red meat’s not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat’s bad for you.
  9. I used to have an hourglass figure, but then the sand shifted.
  10. If at first, you don’t succeed, you can always redefine success.

Clever one-liners (21-30):

  1. If everything’s coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.
  2. Listen, girl, do you know what this dress is made of? Boyfriend material.
  3. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So, study hard and be evil.
  4. A giant fly attacked the police station. They had to call a SWAT team.
  5. If you’ve got a clear conscience, you’ve probably got a bad memory too.
  6. There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
  7. They say money can’t buy happiness, but it’s just bought me this Happy Meal.
  8. Drive with excessive speed, and you won’t need to worry about your cholesterol.
  9. If Walmart is lowering prices every day, why isn’t anything in the store free yet?
  10. Living on Earth may be expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Clever one-liners (31-39):

  1. Even a broken watch is right twice a day.
  2. Delinquents are always young men because yob is just boy spelt backwards.
  3. The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. The problem is that no one runs in your family.
  4. Any married person should forget their mistakes. No use in two people remembering the same thing.
  5. When tempted to fight fire with fire, always remember that the fire department usually uses water.
  6. Letting go of a loved one can be hard. But sometimes, it’s the only way to survive a rock-climbing catastrophe.
  7. When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I reminded him that he said he didn’t hire stupid people.
  8. At every party, there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they’re usually married to each other.
  9. What’s the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale? A northern fairy tale begins, ‘Once upon a time…’ A southern fairy tale begins, ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this…’

Please share this post with your friends:

CLEVER ONE-LINERSIf you enjoyed this post, dear reader, then please share it with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share it now. If you can do that for me, I’d be ever so grateful, and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that could be your good deed for the day.

And if you fancy some more laughs, then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Your support is appreciated. Thank you.

Articles you might enjoy:

You might like to try these free games too:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2023. All Rights Reserved.

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33 Clever One-Liners Guaranteed to Make You Smile

10/30/2023 by

CLEVER ONE-LINERSI love funny and clever one-liners, and over time, I collect them in a journal. And when I’ve got enough, I like to share them with readers. Anything that makes readers smile always results in a great reaction.

So today I offer you my latest collection, which I think are all very clever one-liners.

Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to identify the original authors, so I must classify them all as Author Unknown.

However, I’d be happy to add acknowledgements to each quote if readers can enlighten me accordingly.

So if you know who wrote them originally, then please let me know.

I’m sharing these clever one-liners with you because I am confident they’ll make you smile, dear reader.

Certainly, they all made me smile, so I do hope you enjoy them too.

Clever One-liners (1-11):

  1. My mind’s made up; don’t confuse me with facts.
  2. Arguing with your wife is unwise. Even if you win you lose.
  3. Education is important, but other stuff is more importanter.
  4. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
  5. Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
  6. Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
  7. When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked.
  8. You can’t make me do what you want me to do, you’re not my cat.
  9. Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
  10. I can keep secrets, of course. It’s the people I tell them to who can’t.
  11. The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a couple of car payments.

Clever One-liners (12-22):

  1. I’ve got a great pizza joke, but I warn you, it’s very cheesy.
  2. My resolution was to read more, so I put the subtitles on my television.
  3. I really hate it when people ask for likes on social media. Like if you agree!
  4. My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
  5. The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.
  6. When I was at school 52% of the class was good at maths. I was one of the other 38%.
  7. You know you’re fat when you step on a speak-your-weight scale and it says, “One at a time please!”
  8. You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t return, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
  9. I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 siblings, but they didn’t know either.
  10. If you take away looks, money, intelligence, charm, and success, there’s no difference between me and George Clooney.
  11. I got called pretty yesterday, and it felt really good. Well, the full sentence was “You’re pretty annoying,” but I like to focus on the positive.

Clever One-liners (23-33):

  1. I have a pen that can write underwater. It can write other words too!
  2. I may be ugly now, but one day I’ll be rich enough for you to find me attractive.
  3. A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but toucan play at that game.
  4. Did you know that 50% of all doctors graduated in the bottom half of their class?
  5. My buddies and I started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven’t gotten a gig yet.
  6. I’m a great multitasker. I can procrastinate, fret, and worry about it all at the same time.
  7. I told my plant about my problems; it said I needed to grow a spine. Talk about photosympathy!
  8. I once entered a pun contest. I submitted ten puns, hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.
  9. My memory is terrible. On the plus side, watching reruns on television is always a new experience.
  10. When my suitcases realized there’d be no vacation this year, it left me dealing with emotional baggage.
  11. I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I’ll be fine, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

Please share this post with your friends:

Clever one-linersSo did these clever one-liners prove to be as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh.

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read, then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for your support.

Articles you might enjoy:

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27 witty one-liners so good you’ll laugh out loud

10/28/2023 by

Witty One-LinersNow, do you fancy a bit of a laugh? A few witty one-liners, maybe?

Would you really like something to make you smile?

You’d love to have a laugh or two, but you don’t have the time to enjoy anything for too long, right?

Well, fear not. It’s important you make at least a little time for a laugh. It will make you feel so much better.

Today I offer you 27 witty one-liners that are guaranteed to make you smile.

They all made me smile, and I’m confident that some of them will brighten your day too.

If you enjoy humor that’s concise and razor-sharp, then this collection of witty one-liners is just for you, dear reader.

So go on, take a minute or two, and have a good laugh right now. Enjoy them all.

Witty One-Liners (1-10):

  1. I think the worst thing about driving a time machine will be your kids in the back always moaning, ‘Are we then yet?‘ ~Paul F Taylor
  2. If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself. ~Ian Smith
  3. I wanted to be a baker, but I never rose to the challenge. ~Author Unknown
  4. I’m writing a book on reverse psychology. Please don’t read it. ~Author Unknown
  5. Crime in multi-storey car parks? That’s wrong on so many different levels. ~Tim Vine
  6. As a kid, I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog. ~Gary Delaney
  7. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
  8. I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
  9. I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. ~Nick Helm
  10. I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe

Witty One-Liners (11-20):

  1. Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~Jordan Brookes
  2. I was trying to write a novel about puns, but it just turned out to be a play on words. ~Author Unknown
  3. I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia, and she whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’ ~Author Unknown
  4. One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, ‘Ah well, you only live once.’ ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
  5. My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So, I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger. ~Nick Hall
  6. If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late. ~Joel Dommett
  7. People say I’ve got no willpower, but I’ve quit smoking loads of times. ~Kai Humphries
  8. I tried to write a pun about the wind, but it just blew away. ~Author Unknown
  9. My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought, ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be?‘ ~Paul McCaffrey
  10. It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel

Witty One-Liners (21-27):

  1. I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: This could be interesting. ~Paddy Lennox
  2. I used to be a baker, but I could never make enough dough. ~Author Unknown
  3. Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache, and glasses, I think, There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him. ~Carey Marx
  4. “What’s a couple?’ I asked my mom. She said, “Two or three.’ Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed. ~Josie Long
  5. I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
  6. Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara. ~Olaf Falafel
  7. Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge? ~Dan Antolpolski

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Perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

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50 funny one-line jokes that’ll tickle you

10/06/2023 by

50 FUNNY ONE-LINE JOKESAttention, laughter-seekers! Have you ever had one of those days where you just need a quick chuckle to lift your spirits? Well, you’ve just struck comedic gold! Dive into this collection of 50 funny one-line jokes and you’ll be tickled silly.

These aren’t just any jokes, they’re bite-sized bursts of joy, tailor-made to brighten your day in a flash.

So, go on, take a few moments to indulge in some humour therapy. After all, laughter is always the best medicine.

If you’re ready for a laughter spree? Read on!

Funny One-Line Jokes (1-10):

  1. Welcome to the Assumption Club! I think we all know why we’re here.
  2. Remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
  3. The only thing flat-earthers must fear is sphere itself.
  4. A recent study showed that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren’t Happy.
  5. If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
  6. Am I getting older or is the supermarket finally playing great music?
  7. Runner accidentally shot with starting pistol! Police say it’s race-related.
  8. A massive swarm of flying insects has invaded our town. The Police have deployed a swat team.
  9. My teachers told me that I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic. Well, I’ve shown them how wrong they were because I’ve just won a prize for the vase I made.
  10. I’ve just bought a new gadget. It’s a GPS for Seniors. Not only does it tell me how to get to where I’m going, but it also reminds me when I get there, why I was going there in the first place.

Funny One-Line Jokes (11-20):

  1. Old age is like underwear. It creeps up on you.
  2. Do gun manuals have a troubleshooting section?
  3. What begins as a love triangle ends as wrecktangle.
  4. It’s a fact; butterflies are not what they used to be.
  5. I went to the Indian store to buy bread. They had Naan.
  6. To the thief who took my anti-depressants. I hope you’re happy now.
  7. If you’re pining for a good tree pun, it’s a pity they’re not more poplar.
  8. When you’re down by the sea and an eel bites your knee that’s a Moray.
  9. Let’s give a big shout-out to your fingers because you can always count on them.
  10. They said dance like no one was watching. So, I did, whilst on jury duty, and now I’ve been charged with Contempt of Court.

Funny One-Line Jokes (21-30):

  1. Taller people sleep longer in bed.
  2. I can do paper or plastic because i’m bisackual.
  3. What happens if two snails get into a fight? They slug it out.
  4. I had a dream about mufflers last night. I woke up exhausted.
  5. Puns about communism aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.
  6. Forklift operators hate puns. Apparently, they find them unpalletable.
  7. Thought for today: When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, do you become a vacuum cleaner?
  8. A Plumber’s truck has just passed me with the sign on it saying, “We repair what your husband fixed!”
  9. I just saw a sign in my local optician’s window that says, “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
  10. There’s a sign in my local shoe repair store window that says, “We will heel you. We will save your sole. And we will even dye for you!“

Funny One-Line Jokes (31-40):

  1. I’m looking to buy an old, disused lighthouse but nothing too flashy.
  2. In the front yard of a Funeral Home, it says, “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
  3. Don’t you just hate people who can’t let go of the past? Debt collectors are the worst.
  4. Someone broke into my house and stole all the fruit. Who would do that? I’m peachless!
  5. Sign on the back of Septic Tank Truck: “Caution! This truck is full of political promises.”
  6. There are so many scams on the internet nowadays. Send me $50 and I’ll tell you how to avoid them.
  7. In my local restaurant window, it says, “Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”
  8. Question of the Day: Did the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” ever come up with any other memorable phrases?
  9. At the job interview, they asked me whether I could perform under pressure. I said, “No, but I’m willing to try Bohemian Rhapsody.”
  10. As a child, I didn’t care how I dressed, my parents dressed me. Looking through the old family photos, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.

Funny One-Line Jokes (41-50):

  1. It’s weird being the same age as old people.
  2. It’s irritating when people don’t know the difference between your and you’re. There so stupid.
  3. We come from dust, and to dust we will return. That’s why I don’t dust. It could be someone I know.
  4. I wasn’t my parents’ favourite child, but I was the first one they thought of whenever the police turned up.
  5. People say love is the best feeling, but I don’t agree. Surely, finding a toilet when you’ve got diarrhoea is a much better feeling?
  6. The older I get, the more I regret all the people I’ve lost over the years. Maybe being a trail guide wasn’t such a great idea after all.
  7. A friend of mine finally gathered enough courage to ask the supermarket cashier for a date. She said, “They’re in the fruits section next to the bananas.“
  8. The job interviewer said, “It says in your resume that you went to Harvard University.” I smiled and said, “Yes! I was there for my cousin’s graduation.”
  9. A sign in bold type in the window at Sid’s Maintenance Shop said, “I CAN REPAIR ANYTHING!” Under that, it said, “Please Knock Hard. Doorbell Doesn’t Work.”
  10. I rang my local restaurant and asked, “Do you do takeaways?” A polite guy at the other end said, “Yes, we do!” Cheerfully, I responded, “That’s great! What’s 352 minus 97?”

Please share this post:

50 FUNNY ONE-LINE JOKESSo did these funny one-line jokes prove to be as funny as you’d hoped?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read here then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

Articles you might enjoy:

You might like to try these free games too:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2023. All Rights Reserved.

Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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