Witty One-liners

25 funny witty quotes that will seriously tickle you

04/13/2024 by

I always get the best reaction with blog posts that are full of content to make you smile. And funny witty quotes are particularly popular with readers.

With that in mind, I’ve been trawling my journals looking for funny witty quotes which I’ve noted for posterity, and which I hope you’ll enjoy now, dear reader.

So, here are 25 funny witty quotes that I’m confident will tickle you. Certainly, they tickled me and made me smile.

They’re all by Authors Unknown but they’re razor-sharp and funny nevertheless.

So go on take a few minutes right now to have a laugh and enjoy them all.

Funny witty quotes:

  1. ‘Be yourself is the worst piece of advice you can give to some people.
  2. Some people just need a sympathetic pat on the head, with a hammer.
  3. HIM: How is it your single? HER: Surely you mean you’re?
  4. Arguing with a fool serves only to prove that there are two.
  5. Only dead fish go with the flow.
  6. The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t hold this much personality.
  7. Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight you’re drunk.
  8. There are only two rules in life. No 1: Never ever give out all the information.
  9. You never realize how weird you are until you have a kid who acts just like you.
  10. If you have nothing to be grateful for, check your pulse.
  11. Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions. Chocolate understands.
  12. I’ve learned so much from my mistakes I’m thinking of making a few more.
  13. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
  14. We mature with damage, not with years.
  15. Life is short. So smile while you still have teeth.
  16. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
  17. Sarcasm is not an attitude. It’s an art.
  18. I have an irrational fear of wasting a good outfit on an insignificant day.
  19. Whoever said that nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.
  20. The only time a woman is helpless is when her nail polish is drying. Otherwise, watch out.
  21. The first thing you lose on a diet is your sense of humour.
  22. Everyone has the right to be stupid but you’re abusing the privilege.
  23. If you don’t like the way I drive then stay off the sidewalk.
  24. If at first, you don’t succeed then skydiving’s not for you.
  25. 129% of people exaggerate.

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Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

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30 one-line jokes corny enough to make you smile

04/09/2024 by

Here are 30 one-line jokes that are corny enough to make you smile. They’re all full groan but I’m confident you’ll like them. Well, just a little, at least.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to pass them on.

One-line Jokes (1-10):

  1. If an octopus wins the war, does that mean it was well-armed?
  2. If a cow doesn’t produce milk, does that mean it’s an udder failure?
  3. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, does that mean it’s a success?
  4. If you steal a calendar, does that mean you get twelve months?
  5. If a turtle loses its shell, does that mean it’s homeless or just naked?
  6. If a ghost gets lost in the fog, does that mean it’s mist?
  7. If you eat a meal in space, does that mean your food is out of this world?
  8. If a snowman gets angry, does that mean he has a meltdown?
  9. If you eat clownfish, does that mean you find things funnier?
  10. If a mime artist is arrested, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

One-line Jokes (11-20):

  1. If you try to fail and succeed, does that mean you’ve done both or neither?
  2. If a clock is still hungry, does that mean it goes back four seconds?
  3. If a cemetery raises its prices, does that get reflected in the cost of living?
  4. If you’re addicted to brake fluid, does that mean you can stop at any time?
  5. If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does that mean the rest follow?
  6. If you buy a bigger bed, do you have more bedroom or less?
  7. If an electric car runs out of power, does that mean it’s exhausted?
  8. If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still listen to his iPhone?
  9. If a psychic knows the future, does that mean they can always pick the winner in the Grand National?
  10. If a cloud has a silver lining, does that mean it pays taxes?

One-line Jokes (21-30):

  1. If a pair of binoculars wins the lottery, do they see double the money?
  2. If a mime artist wins an award, does he get a standing ovation?
  3. If a book about paranoia falls off a shelf, does that mean someone’s watching?
  4. If a conspiracy theorist wins the state lottery, does that prove the government is fixing things?
  5. If a chameleon walks into a bar, does the bartender say, “Hey, I’ve not seen you around!”
  6. If a diary loses a page, does that mean it has a short month?
  7. If a vacuum cleaner sucks at its job, does that mean it gets fired?
  8. If a pair of headphones gets tangled, does it mean they’re in a complicated relationship?
  9. If a cloud is crying, does that mean it will rain cats and dogs?
  10. If a lightbulb gets an idea, does it suddenly shine brighter?

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So go on, please share it now. If you can do that for me, I’d be forever grateful.

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35 witty one-liners that are corny but fun

03/25/2024 by

Do you enjoy witty one-liners, dear reader? Well, today I’ve curated another collection of 35 just for you.

Yes, they’re all corny puns, that’s true, but they’re fun too, and they all made me smile. So I hope they brighten your day as well.

So, take a few minutes now to enjoy them all.

Witty one-liners:

  1. The periodic table is elementary knowledge.
  2. Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners, but cats can.
  3. I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.
  4. If you know of any good fish jokes, let minnow.
  5. Spring is here! I’m so excited, I wet my plants.
  6. Puns about menstruation are not funny. Period.
  7. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
  8. Be kind to dentists because they have fillings too.
  9. How do you invite a dinosaur for lunch? Tea, Rex?
  10. Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate clauses.
  11. No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder. 
  12. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
  13. Which way did the programmers go? They went data way!
  14. I’m positive I just lost an electron. Better keep an ion that.
  15. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time-consuming.
  16. I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
  17. People tend to study gravity because it’s a pretty attractive field.
  18. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
  19. If you use an umbrella, does that mean you’re under the weather?
  20. I heard a joke about a mythical sea monster and it’s still Kraken me up!
  21. After the birth of your first child, your role in life will become apparent. 
  22. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you mean your mother.
  23. I got fired from the candle factory because I refused to work wick ends!
  24. I was going to donate part of my stomach, but I didn’t have the guts.
  25. My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
  26. I couldn’t figure out how to put my seatbelt on, but then it just clicked. 
  27. Why does lightning shock people? Because it doesn’t know how to conduct itself.
  28. I’m working on a machine that can read minds. I’d love to hear your thoughts on it.
  29. Did you see the headlines this morning? “Man in boxers leads police on brief chase”.
  30. Apple is designing a new automatic car, but they’re having trouble installing Windows!
  31. I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps. All I got was icy stares.
  32. I was on the toilet, angry and late for work. I thought to myself, “I don’t have time for this sh*t.”
  33. How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presents.
  34. My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it’s flat. In the end, he came around.
  35. I got a pair of gloves today, but they’re both lefts. On the one hand, it’s great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

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25 corny puns that’ll make you smile or make you cringe

03/20/2024 by

Do you like corny puns, dear reader? I hope so, because I’ve pulled together 25 of them for you. They’ll make you smile or make you cringe, but either way, I’m sure you’ll appreciate the clever wordplay.

So sit back and take a few minutes to enjoy them all.

Corny Puns:

  1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
  2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
  3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
  4. Why do bees stay in their hives during the winter? Swarm.
  5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
  6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
  7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
  8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
  9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
  10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
  11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
  12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
  13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
  14. Why is ‘dark’ spelt with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
  15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
  16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
  17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
  18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
  19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
  20. I’m trying to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
  21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
  22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
  23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
  24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
  25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

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Thank you for your support.

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27 cheesy dad jokes that will tickle you silly

03/13/2024 by

If you’re looking for some cheesy dad jokes, then here are 27 little gems that might just tickle you.

So, take a few moments to enjoy them all.

Cheesy Dad Jokes:

I never liked insect puns. They bug me.

I love eye jokes. The cornea the better.

I used to be a floating voter.  Now I’m sunk.

I don’t like Greek yoghurt. It’s a culture difference.

I was so bad at art in school, it’s a wonder I can draw breath.

I’m reading a book called The History of Glue. I can’t put it down.

I saw a parrot wearing a raincoat. I’m told it was polyunsaturated.

I asked a girl in the office for a date. She told me to buy my own fruit.

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly.

I’ve developed a Bible for the visually impaired. It’s called the Holy Braille.

I saw an insect that kept dropping things. Apparently, it was a fumble bee.

I’ve been hired by a guillotine factory in Paris. Be heading there on Monday.

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes. So, she smiled and hugged me.

I used to have a job managing Old Macdonald’s farms. I was the C I E I O.

I thought I saw a rabbit driving a Rolls Royce. It turns out it was a millionhare. 

I saw a monkey floating away in a basket. Apparently, it was a hot air baboon.

I named my dog Five Miles. Now I can tell everyone I walk Five Miles every day.

I gave my wife a glue stick instead of her lipstick. She’s still not talking to me.

I was running towards the door as a polite sheep opened it. It said, “After ewe!”

I loved working as an almond harvester until I discovered my boss was a nut job.

I joined the Tourette’s Society a week ago. They’ve only just finished swearing me in.

I’ve just finished building a car from washing machine parts. I’ll be taking it for a spin tomorrow.

I feel cheated. I bought a can of fly spray and sprayed myself all over with it, but I still can’t fly.

I’ve started a job at Apple supporting law enforcement’s covert operations. My department’s called iSpy.

I was apprehensive about going to the dermatologist today. Thankfully, he didn’t make any rash decisions.

I don’t think it’s a big achievement, but my doctor’s report says I haven’t used my muscles for so long that I’m getting a trophy.

I lost my thesaurus yesterday. Not only was I sad, but I was also glum, gloomy, downcast, despondent, miserable, wretched, woebegone, crestfallen, and unhappy.

Please share this post with your friends:

So, dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

Were these cheesy dad jokes funny?

Did they make you smile?

If so, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

So go on, please share this post now.

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27 corny but funny puns to raise a smile or two

01/24/2024 by

Funny PunsIf you like funny puns, then I’ve put together a batch of very corny ones in the hope they will raise a smile or two. They all made me smile, but for me, the cornier the pun, the better.

So, I hope you enjoy them all, dear reader.

If you do, please feel free to pass them on.

Funny puns:

  1. Odorless chemicals just don’t make scents.
  2. I love how the Earth rotates. It makes my day.
  3. I was working in a glue factory, but I couldn’t stick with it.
  4. Writing with a broken pencil is pointless.
  5. The cost of the space program is astronomical.
  6. I was inconsolable when my PlayStation was stolen.
  7. Our office defibrillator didn’t work. Nobody was shocked.
  8. I googled “how to start a fire” and got 869,000 matches.
  9. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents!
  10. I used to be a history teacher, but there’s no future in it.
  11. How’s my long-distance relationship going? So far, so good.
  12. I cancelled my gym membership because it wasn’t working out.
  13. Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.
  14. I felt lonely, so I bought some shares. It’s nicer to have some company.
  15. If you’re thinking about singing karaoke with a friend, just duet.
  16. To whoever stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
  17. I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents told me the sky was the limit. 
  18. I sued the airport for mislaying my baggage, but I lost my case.
  19. There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator, and only a fraction of people will find that funny.
  20. I get claustrophobic in elevators, so I’ve started taking steps to avoid it.
  21. Tennis players have a hard time with relationships because love means nothing to them.
  22. What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is heavy, and the other is a little lighter!
  23. A rubber band slingshot was confiscated in an algebra class for being a weapon of math disruption.
  24. What’s the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire. 
  25. The thing about shopping centres is that once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen a mall.
  26. My housemate told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went out and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
  27. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, the nurse replied, “No change yet.”

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Funny PunsPlease share this post with your friends:

If you enjoyed any of these funny puns, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share it now. If you can do that for me, I’d be forever grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some more laughs, then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you.

Articles you might enjoy:

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35 witty quotes from funny people you’ll love

01/22/2024 by

witty quotes from funny peopleI love witty quotes from the funniest people, and I always make a note of the best ones in my journal.

Today, I thought I’d share some of them with you, dear reader.

Here are 35 of the best witty quotes from some very funny people, and I hope you enjoy them all. Certainly, I did.

Witty quotes:

  1. One in four frogs is a leapfrog. ~Chris Turner
  2. My cat is recovering from a massive stroke. ~Darren Walsh
  3. A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it. ~Ross Smith
  4. I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring. ~Leo Kearse
  5. I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister. ~Will Marsh
  6. Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day. ~Christian Talbot
  7. I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day. ~Aatif Nawaz
  8. Thing is, we all just want to belong. But some of us are short. ~Lou Sanders
  9. Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat. ~Joe Lycett
  10. Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~ Jordan Brookes
  11. A rescue cat is like recycled toilet paper. Good for the planet, but scratchy. ~Chris Turner
  12. Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy. ~Richard Stott
  13. I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  14. Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open. ~Paul F. Taylor
  15. I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed. ~Olaf Falafel
  16. I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years. ~Alfie Moore
  17. My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young, he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs. ~Rhys James
  18. My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief. ~Mark Watson
  19. One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, ‘Ah well, you only live once.” ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
  20. You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase. ~Rob Beckett
  21. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
  22. Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of angry birds. Bad example. ~Bridget Christie
  23. The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much’. ~Andrew Bird
  24. I’m sure wherever my Dad is: he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending. ~Jack Whitehall
  25. Oh my god, mega drama the other day: My dishwasher stopped working! Yup, his visa expired. ~Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop
  26. It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel
  27. Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him’. ~Carey Marx
  28. I don’t have the Protestant work ethic, I have the Catholic work ethic; in that, I don’t work but I do feel very guilty about that. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  29. I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it. ~Adele Cliff
  30. When I found out the amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my permission I was fluming. ~Olaf Falafel
  31. I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
  32. I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
  33. My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, ‘Hurry up!’ because I didn’t want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, ‘The 17-year-old defendant, who hasn’t been named’. ~Jenny Collier
  34. I just bought underwater headphones and it’s made me loads faster. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times. ~Felicity Ward
  35. I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting. ~Paddy Lennox

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Please share this post with your friends:

Do you agree that these are some of the best witty quotes, dear reader?

You do? I hope so anyway.

If you did enjoy them, then please share this post with your friends on social media, because when you share, everyone wins.

So please share this post now. If you can do that for me, then I’ll be forever grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience, and that will be your good deed for the day.

Thank you.

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15 funny work quotes that will certainly resonate with you

01/21/2024 by

funny work quotesToday I thought it would be amusing to explore some funny work quotes.

Personally, I love my work. I love having a sense of purpose and something to get me out of bed each day.

However, not everyone feels the way I do and anyway, it’s never a good idea to take anything too seriously.

Occasionally we must laugh at the nature of human existence. And a good place to start laughing is with the subject of work.

Love it or hate it, it dominates all our lives nevertheless. So today I’ve pulled together 15 funny work quotes to make you smile.

Once again these quotes come from many sources but one, in particular, I must acknowledge and that’s Cool Funny Quotes where you’ll find some of these and many more besides. So check it out.

Funny work quotes:

  1. Hard work never killed anybody but why take a chance? ~Edgar Bergen
  2. I don’t work on weekends or any other day that ends with “Y”. ~Author Unknown
  3. The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television. ~Author Unknown
  4. Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. ~Groucho Marx
  5. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. ~The Simpsons
  6. If A is success in life, then A is equal to X plus Y plus Z. Where X is work; Y is play, and Z is keeping your mouth shut. ~Albert Einstein (well, maybe!)
  7. As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Payday, lunchtime, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement. ~Tom Goins
  8. If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter. ~John Gotti
  9. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential that word would be ‘meetings.’ ~Dave Barry
  10. He’s so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor. ~Paddy O’Dea
  11. Why is Monday so far from Friday and Friday so close to Monday? ~Author Unknown
  12. Got to work this morning and my boss told me ‘have a good day’, so I went home and had a great day! ~Author Unknown
  13. Work is just something I’m doing until I win the lottery. ~Author Unknown
  14. Sometimes the best part of my job is that my chair swivels. ~Author Unknown
  15. I once had a job in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate. ~Author Unknown

Enjoyed these quotes? Please share them:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these funny quotes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share them now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Other articles that might appeal to you:

You might like to try these free games too:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

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34 corny but very clever one-liners that’ll crack you up

01/20/2024 by

Clever One-LinersWhenever I post some clever one-liners, I always get an enormous response from readers. Clearly, they’re very popular with you.

So to satisfy demand, I thought I’d collect another batch for your amusement.

Here are 34 definitely corny but still very clever one-liners which I’m confident will crack you up. So enjoy them all and feel free to share this post with your friends. If some of these jokes made you laugh, then they’ll probably make your friends laugh.

However, relax and enjoy them all first.

Clever one-liners:

  1. A life in politics is full of parties.
  2. A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
  3. Coming up with weather puns is a breeze.
  4. I love jokes about eyes, the cornea the better.
  5. What do you call a small mother? A minimum.
  6. I met a girl on a dating site and we just clicked.
  7. I did have a joke about vacuums, but it sucked.
  8. When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.
  9. Pollen is when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
  10. Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
  11. I used to be a shoe salesman until they gave me the boot.
  12. I’ve started sleeping in our fireplace. Now I sleep like a log!
  13. How do you make a hotdog stand? You take the seat away.
  14. I hate negative numbers. I’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
  15. Shout out to people who don’t know what the opposite of in is!
  16. I used to build stairs for a living, it’s an up and down business.
  17. Shout out to people who don’t know what the opposite of in is!
  18. Archaeologists are always broke because their careers lie in ruins.
  19. Claustrophobic people are more productive in thinking outside the box.
  20. What do you call an imaginary color? A pigment of your imagination.
  21. I decided to get some Velcro for my shoes instead of laces. Why knot? 
  22. I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.
  23. My sister said she didn’t understand cloning. I said that makes two of us.
  24. My tailor’s happy to make a pair of pants for me or at least, sew it seams.
  25. I got a reversible jacket for my birthday. I can’t wait to see how it turns out.
  26. Wounds heal better if they are covered. This is an example of gauze and effect.
  27. I wasn’t originally going to get a heart transplant but then I had a change of heart.
  28. Why can’t you take anything balloons say seriously? They’re always full of hot air!
  29. I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell. Looking at it now, I see why.
  30. This guy quit his job at the donut factory because he was fed up with the whole business.
  31. Running in front of a car will make you tired but running behind one is exhausting.
  32. My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she’d just ironed. I watched it all unfold.
  33. A teacher asked her student, “Are you ignorant or just apathetic?” The kid answers, “I don’t know and I don’t care.”
  34. My husband passed away in the hospital when I couldn’t remember his blood type. His last words to me were, “Be positive!”

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If you fancy some more laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

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30 really unhelpful things to say in a crisis

01/15/2024 by

UNHELPFUL THINGS TO SAY IN A CRISISIn times of crisis, our friends and loved ones need our sympathy and support. They don’t need stupid, inane, or thoughtless comments that don’t help.

Often, we feel we’ve got to say something, and in responding to silence, we often say things that are unhelpful to fill the void. Such comments may seem funny later, but at the time, they don’t help.

So in times of crisis, if you can’t say something supportive, it’s probably better to remain silent and allow your friend, a loved one, or even your boss a little time to think through the problem and focus on a potential solution.

Nevertheless, unhelpful things said in a crisis can be amusing, so here are some things best not said. I hope they amuse you, dear reader.

Unhelpful things to say in a crisis:

  1. You must have done something terrible in another life.
  2. I told you so.
  3. It can only get better.
  4. Just calm down; stuff happens.
  5. If only you hadn’t done that.
  6. I’m sensing a bit of tension. Have I done something to upset you?
  7. That shouldn’t happen, should it?
  8. Don’t panic. Don’t panic.
  9. You’ll laugh about this one day.
  10. Jeez, you’ve got a real problem there.
  11. Now, that was a really serious mistake.
  12. I guess it’s not a good time to ask for a pay raise.
  13. Didn’t you say you hadn’t renewed the insurance policy?
  14. Statistically speaking, this doesn’t happen very often.
  15. 30 really unhelpful things to say in a crisisDon’t you just hate it when that happens?
  16. Does this mean our date’s off tonight?
  17. Oh well, mistakes can be valuable learning experiences.
  18. You can always draw a line under it and move on.
  19. What does Google say?
  20. Was that really expensive?
  21. Some people would love to be where we are right now.
  22. However bad it may be, it could be worse.
  23. When life gives you lemons, you can always make lemonade.
  24. That’s incredible. You wouldn’t have thought that was possible.
  25. I couldn’t cope with what you’re going through right now.
  26. When I think of situations like yours, I count my blessings.
  27. God wouldn’t give you more than you could handle.
  28. Did you know that the probability of that happening was about a trillion to one?
  29. There are people in this world with more problems than you have right now.
  30. When I see a situation like yours, I realize that, but for the grace of God, that could be me.

Please share this post with your friends:

So, dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these unhelpful things to say in a crisis made you smile, then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share them now.

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