Witty One-liners

21 very funny one-liners that are pure gold

09/08/2025 by

Don’t you love people who are quick with a joke and are never short of a witty riposte or two when they need it? People who are quick with funny one-liners.

I think you have to admire a quick wit.

However, did you know that many so-called quick wits simply memorize a lot of witty stuff and create for themselves a mental ‘quiver full of arrows’ ready for use whenever necessary?

Well, if they can do that, then so can you.

All you need is a little ammunition to get started.

So here are some funny one-liners to get you going. See how many of them you can work into your day.

They all made me smile, and I hope they brighten your day, too. So give yourself a break for a few minutes and enjoy today’s smiles.

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Funny one-liners:

  1. If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving’s not for you.
  2. Wear short sleeves! Support the right to bare arms!
  3. How come we never see the headline, “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
  4. 42.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  5. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  6. Borrow money from a pessimist; they don’t expect it back.
  7. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  8. Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
  9. Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
  10. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  11. Get a new car for your spouse; it’ll be a great trade!
  12. It is as bad as you think, and they are out to get you
  13. Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
  14. Support bacteria; they’re the only culture some people have.
  15. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
  16. There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
  17. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  18. What is a free gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
  19. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  20. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
  21. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Please share this post with your friends:

So, dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these funny one-liners made you smile, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Thank you for your support.

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21 funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile

09/07/2025 by
21 Funny One-Liners

Here is another batch of funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile.

Once again, I’ve been searching for the best smiles I can find to brighten your day, dear reader. I’ve done the hard work, so you don’t have to.

So sit back, relax, and I hope you enjoy these funny one-liners just as much as I did.

And don’t forget your friends.

If you enjoy these smiles, then your friends will probably enjoy them too.

So pass them on, but not before you’ve enjoyed them yourself.

FUNNY ONE-LINERS GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SMILE
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Funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile (1-10):

  1. If you need an ark, I Noah guy.
  2. The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
  3. Never give up on your dreams. Stay in bed and sleep on.
  4. I wouldn’t say that my ceiling is the best, but it’s up there.
  5. You must agree, the shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
  6. Never tell your secrets in a cornfield. There are too many ears.
  7. Why do bees hum? Because they can never remember the words.
  8. Why are ghosts always bad liars? Because you can see right through them.
  9. What would you call someone with just a nose and no body? Nobody knows.
  10. My dog used to chase people on a bike. It got so bad, I had to take his bike away.

Funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile (11-21):

  1. There’s a store on Main Street where you can get dead batteries free of charge.
  2. I used to work as an origami teacher, but I hated it. There was too much paperwork.
  3. I told my suitcase there will be no vacation this year. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.
  4. I was amused to read the epitaph on the late dentist’s gravestone. It read “He’s now filling his last cavity.”
  5. Why is everything delivered by ship called a cargo and yet if it’s delivered by a van, it’s called a shipment?
  6. Our local farmer has started feeding his cows with bird seed. That would explain why the milk is going cheep.
  7. My sister bet me $1,000,000 that I couldn’t make a car using spaghetti. Her face was a picture when I drove pasta.
  8. A man delivers a load of bubble wrap. “Where do you want this, he asks?” “Oh, just pop it in the corner” was the reply.
  9. Change your password to incorrect and then if you can’t quite remember it, your computer will say your password is incorrect.
  10. They’ve just opened a new restaurant Downtown. It’s called Karma and they don’t have a menu. You just get what you deserve.
  11. A police recruit was asked during his exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He answered, “Call for backup.”
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So did these funny one-liners prove to be as funny as you’d hoped dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read here then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

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33 very clever one-liners guaranteed to make you smile

09/06/2025 by
33 very clever one-liners

I’m always impressed with very clever one-liners. I can’t resist those short, sharp, witty remarks that always make me smile. So naturally, I collect them, noting them down in my journal every day.

Today I thought I’d share some very clever one-liners I’ve heard recently. They’re all quite brilliant in my opinion.

So take a couple of minutes to enjoy them all.

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Very clever one-liners (1-11):

  1. How does NASA organise a party? They planet.
  2. I used to be addicted to soap but I’m clean now.
  3. I went on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. Never again.
  4. Just received a card full of rice. It’s from Uncle Ben.
  5. Exaggerations went up by one million per cent last year.
  6. I’ve decided to sell my Hoover. It was just collecting dust.
  7. I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
  8. What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.
  9. I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. No pun in 10 did.
  10. Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
  11. What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.

Very clever one-liners (12-22):

  1. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said “40”.
  2. Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg?’ Because every play has a cast.
  3. My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?” I said: “No it doesn’t!”
  4. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
  5. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed a little space.
  6. I’ve found a job helping a one-armed typist do capital letters. It’s shift work.
  7. Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.
  8. As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
  9. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.
  10. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
  11. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

Very clever one-liners (23-33):

  1. What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
  2. I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going there.
  3. I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.
  4. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
  5. I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said “Thanks!” I said, “Don’t mention it.”
  6. Hear about the new restaurant called ‘Karma’? There’s no menu, you only get what you deserve.
  7. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
  8. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
  9. I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. So I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
  10. A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” To which the doctor replied, “Sorry, I’m not following you.”
  11. What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? “Thanks! I’ll never part with it!”
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Please share this post with your friends:

If you enjoyed these very clever one-liners, dear reader, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So, please share it now. If you can do that for me, I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day. Thank you.

If you fancy some more laughs, then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty more to make you smile.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

Articles you might enjoy:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2025. All rights reserved.

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27 witty one-liners so good you’ll laugh out loud

09/06/2025 by

Now, do you fancy a bit of a laugh? A few witty one-liners, maybe?

Would you really like something to make you smile?

You’d love to have a laugh or two, but you don’t have the time to enjoy anything for too long, right?

Well, fear not. You must make at least a little time for a laugh. It will make you feel so much better.

Today, I offer you 27 witty one-liners that are guaranteed to make you smile.

They all made me smile, and I’m confident that some of them will brighten your day, too.

If you enjoy humor that’s concise and razor-sharp, then this collection of witty one-liners is just for you, dear reader.

So go on, take a minute or two, and have a good laugh right now. Enjoy them all.

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Witty One-Liners (1-10):

  1. I think the worst thing about driving a time machine will be your kids in the back always moaning, ‘Are we then yet?‘ ~Paul F Taylor
  2. If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself. ~Ian Smith
  3. I wanted to be a baker, but I never rose to the challenge. ~Author Unknown
  4. I’m writing a book on reverse psychology. Please don’t read it. ~Author Unknown
  5. Crime in multi-storey car parks? That’s wrong on so many different levels. ~Tim Vine
  6. As a kid, I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog. ~Gary Delaney
  7. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
  8. I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
  9. I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. ~Nick Helm
  10. I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe

Witty One-Liners (11-20):

  1. Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~Jordan Brookes
  2. I was trying to write a novel about puns, but it just turned out to be a play on words. ~Author Unknown
  3. I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia, and she whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’ ~Author Unknown
  4. One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, ‘Ah well, you only live once.’ ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
  5. My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So, I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger. ~Nick Hall
  6. If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late. ~Joel Dommett
  7. People say I’ve got no willpower, but I’ve quit smoking loads of times. ~Kai Humphries
  8. I tried to write a pun about the wind, but it just blew away. ~Author Unknown
  9. My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought, ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be?‘ ~Paul McCaffrey
  10. It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel

Witty One-Liners (21-27):

  1. I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: This could be interesting. ~Paddy Lennox
  2. I used to be a baker, but I could never make enough dough. ~Author Unknown
  3. Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache, and glasses, I think, There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him. ~Carey Marx
  4. “What’s a couple?’ I asked my mom. She said, “Two or three.’ Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed. ~Josie Long
  5. I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
  6. Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara. ~Olaf Falafel
  7. Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge? ~Dan Antolpolski
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Perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then click on the links below.

If you enjoyed this post, then please share it with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

Thank you for being so supportive.

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30 clever one-liners that are sharp and witty

08/30/2025 by
30 clever one-liners

Here are 30 clever one-liners you’ll just love. They’re all sharp and witty and guaranteed to amuse you.

Take a minute to enjoy them all.

And don’t forget to pass them on as well.

CLEVER ONE-LINERS
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Clever one-liners (1-15):

  1. I can handle pain until it hurts.
  2. I would lose weight, but I hate losing.
  3. Life is just a s*xually transmitted disease.
  4. I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.
  5. Only our parents’ children are always right.
  6. It’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
  7. No, I’m not lazy, I’m in energy-saving mode.
  8. If you see a toilet in your dream, do not use it.
  9. It’s only funny when it’s not happening to you.
  10. Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.
  11. How could I miss you when you won’t go away?
  12. Nothing is truly lost until your mom can’t find it.
  13. What happens if I get scared half to death twice?
  14. The light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off.
  15. How come creditors always have better memories than debtors?

Clever one-liners (16-30):

  1. I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
  2. A lottery is just a tax on people who don’t understand math.
  3. Life would be so much better if we could mute some people.
  4. When I need an expert’s advice, I stand in front of the mirror.
  5. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. Some only gargle.
  6. If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.
  7. Some people lose their tempers just from seeing you keep yours.
  8. Did the first person to hear a parrot speak need therapy afterwards?
  9. There is a solution for when your hair starts falling out. Put it in a box.
  10. Don’t you get tired of having to look after your parents’ grandchildren?
  11. Drinking coffee before you start work helps your co-workers live longer.
  12. Don’t you just hate how spiders sit there on your wall and act like they pay rent?
  13. I’m not looking for a stable relationship, I’ll settle for a stable internet connection.
  14. If a man speaks in a forest and there are no women there to hear him, is he still wrong?
  15. People always say they don’t believe in ghosts until they hear a strange noise in the middle of the night.
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Please share this post:

So, dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these clever one-liners made you smile, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. Please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then click on the links below.

Thank you for being so supportive.

Articles you might enjoy:

© Mann Island Media Limited 2025. All rights reserved.

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21 amusing one-liners guaranteed to make you smile

08/30/2025 by

Do you enjoy a good one-liner, dear reader? You do? Then there are 21 amusing one-liners here that are guaranteed to make you smile.

They all made me smile, and I’m confident that at least a few of them will appeal to you, too.

So, grab a cup of coffee and take a few minutes to appreciate the art of the one-liner.

Then see if you can work any of these lines into your day.

And please, share them with your friends.

AMUSING ONE-LINERS
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Amusing one-liners:

  1. Velcro is such a rip-off.
  2. Those who laugh last think slowest.
  3. With money only too much is enough.
  4. Your job is secure if no one else wants it.
  5. Dropped toast always lands jam-side down.
  6. Why is it that everyone my age is older than me?
  7. Sarcasm is the body’s natural shield against stupidity.
  8. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
  9. Make love, not war. If you want to do both, get married.
  10. There’s no such thing as arriving fashionably late in Crocs.
  11. I used to have a bandwagon but people kept jumping on it.
  12. Two French cheese trucks collided. De brie was everywhere.
  13. Relationships are like algebra. You look at your X and ask Y.
  14. You’re emotionally constipated if you haven’t given a shit for days.
  15. I’ve thought of buying a burial plot but it’s really the last thing I need.
  16. If the grass is greener on the other side then the water bill will be higher too.
  17. Whoever said nothing’s impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.
  18. Playing bridge is like sex. If you haven’t got a good partner you’ll need a good hand.
  19. Before you question forward planning remember, it wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
  20. I entered everything I’d eaten into my fitness app and immediately it sent an ambulance to my house.
  21. Eat sensibly, exercise and don’t drink alcohol if you want to live long enough to spend your last few years in a care home.

Enjoyed these one-liners?

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If it made you smile, then please share it with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So, please share them now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then click on the links below.

Thank you.

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40 Classic TV Quotes That Will Amuse You

08/21/2025 by

If you’re looking for some classic TV quotes, then today I’ve curated some great ones for you. From some of the best sitcoms of all time, in my opinion.

So, please take a few moments to enjoy them all.

And feel free to share them.

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Classic TV Quotes:

1. TV Quotes from Friends: Life in Central Perk

  1. Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You’re gonna love it. — Monica Geller (Courteney Cox)
  2. It’s not that common; it doesn’t happen to every guy, and it is a big deal! — Rachel Green (Jennifer Aniston)
  3. Could I be wearing any more clothes? — Joey Tribbiani (Matt LeBlanc)
  4. I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? — Chandler Bing (Matthew Perry)
  5. Oh, I’m sorry. Did my back hurt your knife? – Phoebe Buffay (Lisa Kudrow)
  6. Pivot! PIVOT!! — Ross Geller (David Schwimmer)

2. TV Quotes from Seinfeld: A show about nothing

  1. You know how to take the reservation. You just don’t know how to hold the reservation. — Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld)
  2. I’m speechless. I am without speech. — George Costanza (Jason Alexander)
  3. Maybe the dingo ate your baby. — Elaine Benes (Julia Louis-Dreyfus)
  4. You want a Christmas card? HERE, here’s your Christmas card! — Elaine, again.
  5. The sea was angry that day, my friends—like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. — George Costanza
  6. No soup for you! — Soup N*zi (Larry Thomas)

3. TV Quotes from Frasier: Highbrow wit

  1. You have the wit of a rutabaga. — Frasier Crane (Kelsey Grammer)
  2. We’re psychiatrists. We’re supposed to be above this kind of petty squabbling. But we’re not! — Niles Crane (David Hyde Pierce)
  3. When I say ‘I understand,’ I don’t mean I agree. I mean, I understand you’re insane. — Frasier Crane
  4. You know, I don’t know how you do it. I’m serious. It takes a special kind of person to be this thoroughly irritating. — Roz Doyle (Peri Gilpin)
  5. Do you hear that? That’s the sound of you being wrong. — Niles Crane

4. TV Quotes from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Sharp

  1. Yo, homes, smell ya later! — Will Smith (Will Smith)
  2. You have as much chance of winning as Uncle Phil has of getting skinny. — Will Smith
  3. Hillary, I’ve seen salads dress better than you. — Geoffrey (Joseph Marcell)
  4. You so ugly, when you were born, the doctor slapped your mama! — Will Smith
  5. Carlton, your mama is so fat, when she sits around the house—she sits around the house. — Will Smith
  6. You couldn’t get a date if you had a calendar factory. — Geoffrey

5. TV Quotes from The Nanny: Queen of Queens

  1. I’m not going to die. I still have 14 pairs of shoes I haven’t worn yet! — Fran Fine (Fran Drescher)
  2. I’ve always said I was an accident waiting to happen, and now I’m happening! — Fran Fine
  3. You’re not a morning person. You’re barely a person. — Niles (Daniel Davis)
  4. I told you I don’t get out of bed for anything less than a sample sale. — Fran Fine
  5. Is that your new perfume? Eau de desperation? — C.C. Babcock (Lauren Lane)

6. TV Quotes from 3rd Rock from the Sun: Alien wit

  1. We may be aliens, but we don’t date losers. — Sally Solomon (Kristen Johnston)
  2. You are a deeply disturbed and deeply boring man. — Dick Solomon (John Lithgow)
  3. It’s not that you’re unimportant… okay, yes, it is. — Tommy Solomon (Joseph Gordon-Levitt)
  4. You’re like if awkward were a person. — Harry Solomon (French Stewart)

7. TV Quotes from Home Improvement: Manly wit

  1. I don’t think so, Tim. — Al Borland (Richard Karn)
  2. Real men don’t use instructions. — Tim Taylor (Tim Allen)
  3. Why fix it if you can overdo it? — Tim Taylor
  4. Sometimes I wonder why I married you. Then I remember: oh yeah, you were good-looking… once. — Jill Taylor (Patricia Richardson)

8. TV Quotes from Will & Grace: Friendship banter

  1. Honey, I don’t need to insult you. Your wardrobe does it for me. — Karen Walker (Megan Mullally)
  2. Grace, if you were any gayer, you’d be me. — Jack McFarland (Sean Hayes)
  3. The only straight thing about me is my razor. — Jack McFarland
  4. I’m rich. I don’t need to be nice. — Karen Walker
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Please share this post with your friends:

If you enjoyed these classic TV quotes, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So please share it now. If you can do that for me, I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some laughs, then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

I appreciate your support, dear reader. Thank you.

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Funny insults from TV comedy shows

08/19/2025 by

Today, I’ve curated some funny insults from the world of TV comedy shows. They made me smile, and I hope they tickle you, too.

I love those classic lines from TV comedy shows and the movies. Things I wish I’d been sharp enough to say in response to someone in serious need of a put-down.

So, please take a few moments to enjoy them all.

And feel free to share them with your friends.

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Funny Insults:

1. Savage Comebacks:

  1. “You are the human version of a participation trophy.”
    — Gina Linetti, Brooklyn Nine-Nine
  2. “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
    — Sheldon Cooper, The Big Bang Theory
  3. “You have something on your chin… no, the third one down.”
    — Nicky Nichols, Orange Is the New Black
  4. “Your secrets are safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.”
    — Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek
  5. “To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!”
    — Wanda, A Fish Called Wanda
  6. “You’re like a cloud—when you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
    — Max Black, 2 Broke Girls
  7. “You sit on a throne of lies.”
    — Buddy, Elf

2. Sassy and Petty:

  1. “So you agree? You think you’re really pretty?”
    — Gretchen Wieners, Mean Girls
  2. “Cool story, bro. Needs more dragons.”
    — Internet sarcasm, but sounds very Jess Day
  3. “You’re not the worst… but you’re in the top five.”
    — Eleanor Shellstrop, The Good Place
  4. “You have the charisma of a damp rag.”
    — Malcolm Tucker, The Thick of It
  5. “Sorry I’m late. I didn’t want to come.”
    — Bernadette, The Big Bang Theory
  6. “You couldn’t pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.”
    — Ulysses Everett McGill, O Brother, Where Art Thou?

3. Deadpan and dry:

  1. “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
    — Mitch Hedberg
  2. “Everything hurts and I’m dying.”
    — Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation
  3. “I live in a constant state of fear and misery.”
    — Tina Belcher, Bob’s Burgers
  4. “I am Beyoncé, always.”
    — Michael Scott, The Office (US)
  5. “I’m not superstitious. But I am a little stitious.”
    — Michael Scott, The Office (US)
  6. “I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.”
    — George Lopez, George Lopez Show
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4. Intellectual Insults:

  1. “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”
    — Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride
  2. “You are a sad, strange little man, and you have my pity.”
    — Woody, Toy Story
  3. “Your brain’s so small, you could smoke it in a pipe.”
    — Karen Walker, Will & Grace
  4. “If you were any slower, you’d be moving backwards.”
    — Sheldon Cooper, The Big Bang Theory
  5. “You’re like a software update. Annoying and no one asked for you.”
    — April Ludgate, Parks and Recreation (vibe)

5. Mirror Shade:

  1. “You are not the center of the universe. The sun is.”
    — Lisa Simpson, The Simpsons
  2. “If I wanted to hear from someone irrelevant, I’d check your Instagram story.”
    — Euphoria-style sass
  3. “Your drama is more predictable than a Marvel movie.”
    — Jess Day, New Girl (tone)
  4. “Sorry, I don’t speak ‘narcissist’.”
    — Max Black, 2 Broke Girls
  5. “I like you. You’re like me… but worse.”
    — Lucille Bluth, Arrested Development

6. Sass Queens Unite:

  1. “Oh honey, bless your heart — but not your decisions.”
    — Southern shade, Blanche Devereaux style
  2. “You’re a full-blown Monet. Looks good from far away, but up close? A big mess.”
    — Cher Horowitz, Clueless
  3. “You’re exhausting. Emotionally, spiritually… physically, just looking at you.”
    — Karen Walker, Will & Grace
  4. “I could eat a whole bowl of alphabet soup and crap out a smarter statement than that.”
    — Red Foreman, That ’70s Show
  5. “You’re not even on my radar. I had to Google you.”
    — Moira Rose, Schitt’s Creek
  6. “I don’t chase. I replace.”
    — Tasha Mack, The Game
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    So please share it now. If you can do that for me, I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

    If you fancy some laughs, then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

    I appreciate your support, dear reader. Thank you.

    Affiliate Disclosure: This site is an affiliate of Expedia and related companies. This means that if you click on the link and make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you. I only recommend products or services that I think will be valuable to you. Any commissions earned help support the content I create.

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    25 Funny TV Show Quotes & Comedy Film Quotes too

    08/18/2025 by

    Today, I have curated some funny TV show quotes. There are 25 in total, and they all made me laugh.

    Enjoy them all. I’m confident they will make you smile as well.

    And, as a bonus, I’ve curated 25 comedy film quotes too.

    All of these quotes have been chosen for their sharp wit, absurdity, or perfect comedic timing, and they’re guaranteed to tickle the funny bone.

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    25 Funny TV Show Quotes:

    1. “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”
      — Michael Scott (Steve Carell), The Office (US)
    2. “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
      — Mitch Hedberg (as himself), Comedy Central Presents
    3. “When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.”
      — Barney Stinson (Neil Patrick Harris), How I Met Your Mother
    4. “I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
      — Chandler Bing (Matthew Perry), Friends
    5. “Sometimes I start a sentence, and I don’t even know where it’s going.”
      — Michael Scott (Steve Carell), The Office (US)
    6. “Treat yo’ self!”
      — Donna Meagle (Retta), Parks and Recreation
    7. “You can’t just give up. Is that what a dinosaur would do?”
      — Joey Tribbiani (Matt LeBlanc), Friends
    8. “I have the charisma of a damp rag.”
      — Malcolm Tucker (Peter Capaldi), The Thick of It
    9. “There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.”
      — Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman), Parks and Recreation
    10. “I am Beyoncé, always.”
      — Michael Scott (Steve Carell), The Office (US)
    11. “I don’t have dreams. I have goals.”
      — Harvey Specter (Gabriel Macht), Suits
    12. “I don’t need a therapist. I have a horse.”
      — BoJack Horseman (Will Arnett), BoJack Horseman
    13. “I’m allergic to mornings.”
      — Garfield (Lorenzo Music), Garfield and Friends
    14. “You had me at ‘we’ll get food’.”
      — Jess Day (Zooey Deschanel), New Girl
    15. “You can’t handle the tooth!”
      — Phil Dunphy (Ty Burrell), Modern Family
    16. “I ate a big red candle.”
      — Brick Tamland (Steve Carell), Anchorman (TV cameo reference)
    17. “Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have network connectivity problems.”
      — Andy Dwyer (Chris Pratt), Parks and Recreation
    18. “If I don’t talk, it’s because I’m holding in a scream.”
      — George Costanza (Jason Alexander), Seinfeld
    19. “I can’t go to jail! I don’t have the upper body strength for it!”
      — Gob Bluth (Will Arnett), Arrested Development
    20. “I want to cry so bad, but I don’t think I can spare the moisture.”
      — Phoebe Buffay (Lisa Kudrow), Friends
    21. “I’ve made a huge mistake.”
      — Gob Bluth (Will Arnett), Arrested Development
    22. “I’m not a hero. I put my bra on one b**b at a time like everyone else.”
      — Tina Belcher (Dan Mintz), Bob’s Burgers
    23. “I have no idea what I’m doing, but I know I’m doing it really, really well.”
      — Andy Dwyer (Chris Pratt), Parks and Recreation
    24. “We were on a break!”
      — Ross Geller (David Schwimmer), Friends
    25. “My body is a temple… ancient and crumbling.”
      — Dorothy Zbornak (Bea Arthur), The Golden Girls
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    25 Comedy Film Quotes:

    1. “I’m not even supposed to be here today!”
      — Dante Hicks (Brian O’Halloran), Clerks
    2. “I’m just one stomach flu away from my goal weight.”
      — Emily Charlton (Emily Blunt), The Devil Wears Prada
    3. “Do I make you h*rny, baby?”
      — Austin Powers (Mike Myers), Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
    4. “60% of the time, it works every time.”
      — Brian Fantana (Paul Rudd), Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
    5. “I’m in a glass case of emotion!”
      — Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell), Anchorman
    6. “Fat guy in a little coat.”
      — Tommy Callahan (Chris Farley), Tommy Boy
    7. “We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy!”
      — Wayne Campbell (Mike Myers), Wayne’s World
    8. “It’s just a flesh wound.”
      — Black Knight (John Cleese), Monty Python and the Holy Grail
    9. “It’s so fluffy I’m gonna die!”
      — Agnes (Elsie Fisher), Despicable Me
    10. “Nobody makes me bleed my own blood. Nobody!”
      — White Goodman (Ben Stiller), Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
    11. “You’re killing me, Smalls!”
      — Hamilton “Ham” Porter (Patrick Renna), The Sandlot
    12. “I’m kind of a big deal.”
      — Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell), Anchorman
    13. “I’m not a smart man, but I know what love is.”
      — Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks), Forrest Gump
    14. “What is this? A center for ants?”
      — Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller), Zoolander
    15. “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.”
      — Dr. Rumack (Leslie Nielsen), Airplane!
    16. “You sit on a throne of lies.”
      — Buddy (Will Ferrell), Elf
    17. “Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing gl**.”
      — Steve McCroskey (Lloyd Bridges), Airplane!
    18. “Don’t mess with the bull, young man. You’ll get the horns.”
      — Richard Vernon (Paul Gleason), The Breakfast Club
    19. “We’re gonna need a bigger boat.”
      — Chief Brody (Roy Scheider), Jaws (Not a comedy per se, but often quoted humorously)
    20. “I’m not drunk, I’m just talking in cursive.”
      — The Dude (Jeff Bridges), The Big Lebowski
    21. “I invented Post-its.”
      — Christie Masters (Julia Campbell), Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion
    22. “Did we just become best friends?!”
      — Dale Doback (John C. Reilly), Step Brothers
    23. “I’m in love, I’m in love, and I don’t care who knows it!”
      — Buddy (Will Ferrell), Elf
    24. “I’m sorry I ruined your lives and crammed eleven cookies into the VCR.”
      — Buddy (Will Ferrell), Elf
    25. “That rug really tied the room together.”
      — Walter Sobchak (John Goodman), The Big Lebowski
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    If you enjoyed these funny TV show quotes, please share this post with your friends on social media.

    When you share, everyone wins.

    So please share it now. If you can do that for me, I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

    If you fancy some laughs, then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

    I appreciate your support, dear reader. Thank you.

    Affiliate Disclosure: This site is an affiliate for Expedia and related companies. This means that if you click on the link and make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you. I only recommend products or services that I think will be valuable to you. Any commissions earned help support the content I create.

    Articles you might enjoy:

    © Mann Island Media Limited 2025. All rights reserved.

    Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: , , , , ,

    35 funny quotes about life guaranteed to make you smile

    08/16/2025 by

    Today I’m in a philosophical mood, so I thought I’d explore some funny quotes about life. Every quote on the list I’ve curated made me smile, so I hope at least a few of them make you smile, too, dear reader.

    Enjoy them all, and please feel free to share them with your friends.

    FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT LIFE
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    Funny quotes about life (1-10):

    1. A wise man once said nothing.
    2. Life’s short. Smile while you still have teeth.
    3. I’m not lazy. I’m just in energy-saving mode.
    4. Life’s hard but it’s even harder if you’re stupid.
    5. You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
    6. Life can be summed up in three words. It goes on.
    7. If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
    8. Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out alive.
    9. Life is like ice cream. You must enjoy it before it melts.
    10. I’d like to live like a poor man, only with lots of money.

    Funny quotes about life (11-20):

    1. Life can be a handful. That’s why you’ve got two hands.
    2. You can tell how smart people are by what they laugh at.
    3. Housework probably won’t kill you, but why take the risk?
    4. Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes.
    5. Life was easier when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits.
    6. Stressed spelt backwards is desserts. Coincidence? I think not.
    7. Cinderella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life.
    8. Always borrow money from pessimists. They don’t expect it back.
    9. Life’s not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
    10. I know what’s around the corner. I just don’t know where the corner is.

    Funny quotes about life (21-35):

    1. The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.
    2. If you think you’re too small to be effective, try sleeping with a mosquito.
    3. Revenge sounds so mean. Better just to think of it as returning the favour.
    4. You may call them swear words but to me, they’re just sentence enhancers.
    5. There are three things a woman needs in life. Food, water, and compliments.
    6. They say you attract what you fear. Well, $10 million scares the life out of me.
    7. Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.
    8. I made a giant ‘To Do List’ for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it all.
    9. You need three bones to succeed in life. A backbone, a wishbone, and a funny bone.
    10. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never seem to use it.
    11. You never know how much you’ve got in life until you decide to de-clutter your house.
    12. When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed.
    13. Dear life, when I said, “Can this day get any worse?” it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
    14. Never trust people who smile constantly. Either they’re selling something or they’re not very bright.
    15. During the day I don’t believe in ghosts. When I hear a strange noise in the middle of the night, I’m more open-minded.
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    Please share this post with your friends:

    If you enjoyed these funny quotes about life, please share this post with your friends on social media.

    When you share, everyone wins.

    So please share it now. If you can do that for me, I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

    If you fancy some laughs, then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

    I appreciate your support, dear reader. Thank you.

    Articles you might enjoy:

    © Mann Island Media Limited 2025. All rights reserved.

    Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,
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