21 funny one-liners that are pure gold


Don’t you just love people who are quick with a joke and are never short of a witty riposte or two when they need it?

Personally I think you have to admire a quick wit. However did you know that many so called quick wits simply memorise a lot of witty stuff and create for themselves a mental ‘quiver full of arrows’ ready for use whenever necessary?

Well if they can do that then so can you. All you need is a little ammunition to get started. So here are some very funny one-liners to get you going. See how many of them you can work into your day.

They all made me smile and I hope they brighten your day too. So give yourself a break for a few minutes and enjoy today’s smiles.

Funny one-liners:

  1. If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving is not for you.
  2. Wear short sleeves! Support the right to bare arms!
  3. How come we never see the headline, “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
  4. 42.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  5. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  6. Borrow money from a pessimist, they don’t expect it back.
  7. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  8. Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
  9. Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
  10. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  11. Get a new car for your spouse; it’ll be a great trade!
  12. It is as bad as you think, and they are out to get you
  13. Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
  14. Support bacteria, they’re the only culture some people have.
  15. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
  16. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
  17. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  18. What is a free gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
  19. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  20. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
  21. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

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21 humorous quotes that will really tickle you

By popular demand and just for you dear reader, here are another 21 humorous quotes that will really tickle you I’m sure.

Unfortunately I’ve struggled to identify the original authors of these witticisms so they must all be classified as ‘Author Unknown’. However if anyone can help me on this point I’d be happy to give appropriate credits where possible. Just let me know either via Comments or Contact.

Either way I hope they make you smile dear reader. And should you be someone for whom life is touch right now, then I hope they bring a little light to your day.

This is the latest collection of humorous quotes put together in response to requests from readers for more laughter and less gloom. So I hope that has been achieved.

These are probably as funny as any quotes you’ll read today or any day. Maybe you disagree? If so your comments would be welcome.

Laugh long and laugh loud for life is too short not to fill your days with laughter. Enjoy this moment, for this moment is your life.

Humorous Quotes:

  1. It was me, I let the dogs out.
  2. Parenthood is the scariest hood to go through.
  3. People say I act like I don’t care. It’s not an act.
  4. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
  5. I childproofed my house but the kids still get in somehow.
  6. Today is one of those days when even my coffee needs a coffee.
  7. I am one step away from being rich and all I need now is money.
  8. An apple a day keeps anyone anyway, if you throw it hard enough.
  9. I’ve made it from the bed to the couch. There’s no stopping me now.
  10. Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
  11. I remember years ago when all I wanted to do is be older. I was wrong.
  12. I think something’s missing in my life. Like two or three million dollars.
  13. You know you’re a mom when you understand why mama bear’s porridge was cold.
  14. I once had a job in an orange juice factory but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.
  15. I’m on that new diet where you eat anything you want and you pray for a miracle.
  16. Dear life, when I said “can this day get any worse?” it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
  17. I never make the same mistake twice. I make it three or four times, you know, just to be sure!
  18. I was going to take over the world today but I overslept. Postponed, again!
  19. Don’t mess with me; I know Karate, Judo, Jujitsu, Kung Fu and 20 other dangerous words.
  20. That awkward moment you can’t understand what somebody is saying after they’ve repeated it about five times.
  21. During his summer recess, Santa has been viewing your Facebook posts. This year you’re getting a dictionary.

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7 inspirational quotes about society

People are social animals and society is the fabric that binds us all together.

We don’t have to like each other but we do have to get along with each other if life is to be tolerable and people are to feel safe and secure.

Getting along requires us to treat each other with respect of course but society could not function without an accepted system of governance, a broadly common culture and everyone feeling that they are being treated fairly.

That does not mean people within a given society must be completely homogeneous. It does not mean that there cannot be differences. There are and will always be some differences between people within society and that’s fine. However no group can stand completely apart from everyone else in society, if society is to function well.

You’re either part of society or you’re not. If you choose not to be for whatever reason then that’s your decision and it’s perfectly reasonable to have a preference for living in some other society. That’s why people emigrate, to find a way of life that is more consistent with the way they would prefer to live.

However you cannot accept the benefits that come with being a member of a given society and then reject the obligations you have to your fellow citizens which are a natural part of living within a given society.

We all have a duty to try to understand our fellow citizens and try to appreciate the reality of their existence. The better we know other people the more we will see them as people just like us with hopes and dreams and a desire to create a better world for their children. Strip away superficial differences and we are in fact all the same. Well I think so anyway.

Society must exist for the benefit of everyone if it is to mean anything at all. Everyone should benefit from being a member of society but that means we all have an obligation to contribute to the society within which we live as well. And we must respect our fellow citizens too.

Those making the greatest contribution may derive the biggest rewards but the strong should also lend a hand to the weak. We all have a part to play and we all gain when society functions well. If we all work for the common good then society can benefit everyone.

So ask yourself this question: “What is my contribution to society and what will my legacy be for future generations?

To think about it another way; for what will you be remembered? For what would you like to be remembered? How is your contribution making the world you know a better place right now?

Here are seven inspirational quotes about society to get you thinking.

Quotes About Society:

  1. You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty. ~Mahatma Gandhi
  2. We must reject the idea that every time a law’s broken, society is guilty rather than the lawbreaker. It is time to restore the American precept that each individual is accountable for his actions. ~Ronald Reagan
  3. The most violent element in society is ignorance. ~Emma Goldman
  4. He who is unable to live in society, or who has no need because he is sufficient for himself, must be either a beast or a god. ~Aristotle
  5. There can be no keener revelation of a society’s soul than the way in which it treats its children. ~Nelson Mandela
  6. Individual commitment to a group effort; that’s what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilization work. ~Vince Lombardi
  7. Society as a whole benefits immeasurably from a climate in which all persons, regardless of race or gender, may have the opportunity to earn respect, responsibility, advancement and remuneration based on ability. ~Sandra Day O’Connor

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7 quotes about war and why it’s mad

Does a war ever solve anything? That’s a debatable point, to say the least. There have been so many wars in my lifetime and yet what have they solved, really? It seems to me that war never actually resolves anything at all.

War causes bitterness and hatred between people and these feelings can fester for generations.

For me, war is best summed up by Bertrand Russell’s observation that, “War doesn’t decide who’s right, only who’s left.

As far as I can see, war creates more problems than it solves. Often it creates a vacuum which is then filled by people with truly evil intent.

Ultimately differences between people require compromise and a political solution. We have to learn to live together and meet others halfway.

Yes there will be times when we have to be resolute and tough but fighting should be avoided whenever possible and it should always be possible.

If I have learned one thing it is this; if politicians had to go to war and do the fighting, and take their own sons and daughters with them, there would be no wars.

The problem we have today is that none of our politicians now have any first-hand experience of the reality of war. None have experienced the horrors of battle. If they had, they would take a very different approach, of that I am sure.

However let me say this; whether war can be justified or otherwise, we must always respect the warriors. For the warriors do what they do in good faith and at great personal risk to themselves. They act without question and with the intent of protecting us. They do the bidding of politicians. So if anyone is to blame, it’s always the politicians. Let us never forget.

Here are seven quotes about war to underline today’s message.

Quotes  About War:

  1. Mankind must put an end to war before war puts an end to mankind. ~John F. Kennedy
  2. The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his. ~George S. Patton
  3. I hate war as only a soldier who has lived it can, only as one who has seen its brutality, its futility, its stupidity. ~Dwight D. Eisenhower
  4. Politics is war without bloodshed while war is politics with bloodshed. ~Mao Zedong
  5. I am tired and sick of war. Its glory is all moonshine. It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood, for vengeance, for desolation. War is hell. ~William Tecumseh Sherman
  6. What a cruel thing war is; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbours. ~Robert E. Lee
  7. You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake. ~Jeannette Rankin

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21 thought-provoking quotes about relationships

People; we can’t live with them but we can’t live without them either. While they can be frustrating we are social animals, so we need relationships.

The more we understand about relationships the more likely we’ll be in a position to form and sustain successful relationships.

Hence today’s blog post with 21 thought-provoking quotes about relationships to help you ponder and improve your understanding of one of life’s trickiest aspects.

Now some people struggle to form successful relationships, whilst others seem to enjoy perfect relationships. Well don’t be fooled by appearances.

All relationships can be tricky because we all have this romantic notion about what the perfect relationship should look like. The problem is perfect relationships don’t exist. Consequently relationships take both work and compromise.

Furthermore you must recognise that for a relationship to work it must be balanced.

That’s because within any relationship both parties must feel their needs are being met.

Where the dynamic within a relationship favours one side or the other this will breed resentment and frustration. As a result the relationship will experience friction and disharmony.

No one can have it all their own way all the time.

Compromise is essential.

However compromise shouldn’t be to the point whereby you’re actively working against your own interests. There must be something in the relationship for you too.

So here are those 21 thought-provoking quotes about relationships, I hope they help you.

  1. A dame that knows the ropes isn’t likely to get tied up. ~Mae West
  2. When you don’t talk, there’s a lot of stuff that ends up not getting said. ~Catherine Gilbert Murdock
  3. When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are. ~Donald Miller
  4. The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much and forgetting that you are special too. ~Ernest Hemingway
  5. For there to be betrayal, there would have to have been trust first. ~Suzanne Collins
  6. Cheating and lying aren’t struggles; they’re reasons to break up. ~Patti Callahan Henry
  7. I suffer from girl-next-door-itis where the guy is friends with you and that’s it. ~Taylor Swift
  8. I want to be in a relationship where you telling me you love me is just a ceremonious validation of what you already show me. ~Steve Maraboli
  9. Relationships don’t always make sense, especially from the outside. ~Sarah Dessen
  10. Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike. ~JK Rowling
  11. It’s no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favourite films wouldn’t even speak to each other if they met at a party. ~Nick Hornby
  12. The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. ~CG Jung
  13. There is greatness in doing something you hate for the sake of someone you love. ~Shmuley Boteach
  14. Every couple needs to argue now and then. Just to prove that the relationship is strong enough to survive. Long-term relationships, the ones that matter, are all about weathering the peaks and the valleys. ~Nicholas Sparks
  15. I know enough to know that no woman should ever marry a man who hated his mother. ~Martha Gellhorn
  16. People like to say love is unconditional, but it’s not, and even if it was unconditional, it’s still never free. There’s always an expectation attached. They always want something in return. Like they want you to be happy or whatever and that makes you automatically responsible for their happiness because they won’t be happy unless you are. I just don’t want that responsibility. ~Katja Millay
  17. To say that one waits a lifetime for his soulmate to come around is a paradox. People eventually get sick of waiting, take a chance on someone and by the art of commitment become soulmates, which takes a lifetime to perfect. ~Criss Jami
  18. Every couple have their ups and downs, every couple argues and that’s the thing; you’re a couple and couples can’t function without trust. ~Nicholas Sparks
  19. If a girl starts out all casual with a guy and she doesn’t tell him that she wants a relationship, it will never become a relationship. If you give the guy the impression that casual is okay with you, then that’s all he’ll ever want. Be straight with him from the start. If he gets scared and runs away, he wasn’t right for you. ~Susane Colasanti
  20. Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them. ~Bill Maher
  21. What we wait around a lifetime for with one person, we can find in a moment with someone else. ~Stephanie Klein

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15 Quotes by Khalil Gibran

If you are unfamiliar with Khalil Gibran, he was a Lebanese writer, poet and visual artist.

As a young man Gibran moved with his family to the United States where he studied art and began his literary career.

In the Arab world he is regarded as a literary and political rebel but he is widely respected as a great thinker and his work offers some interesting insights into life and its meaning. So here are 15 quotes by Khalil Gibran guaranteed to make you think.

  1. To belittle, you have to be little. ~Khalil Gibran
  2. We are all like the bright moon; we still have our darker side. ~Khalil Gibran
  3. The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the greatest intention. ~Khalil Gibran
  4. Friendship is always a sweet responsibility, never an opportunity. ~Khalil Gibran
  5. You may forget with whom you laughed but you will never forget with whom you wept. ~Khalil Gibran
  6. If you reveal your secrets to the wind, you should not blame the wind for revealing them to the trees. ~Khalil Gibran
  7. Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars. ~Khalil Gibran
  8. Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. ~Khalil Gibran
  9. It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone. ~Khalil Gibran
  10. Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you need. ~Khalil Gibran
  11. You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give. ~Khalil Gibran
  12. To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to. ~Khalil Gibran
  13. They deem me mad because I will not sell my days for gold; and I deem them mad because they think my days have a price. ~Khalil Gibran
  14. You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts. ~Khalil Gibran
  15. Trust in dreams, for in them is the hidden gate to eternity. ~Khalil Gibran

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7 inspirational quotes about travel

Travel is an education and it broadens the mind. I have had the privilege of travelling to more than 70 countries. I have been fortunate enough to work in some of those countries. And I can say this; I am not the same person I was once.

I see the world differently now. I know from real experience that people are the same wherever you go.

There may be superficial cultural differences of course but deep down people are just people. They eat; they sleep; they laugh; they cry; they’re happy; they’re sad; they have dreams; they have fears; they love their families and they want the best for their children. And we all share a feeling of vulnerability at times too.

There are good people and not so good people but mostly people are honest and decent and they are just trying to get through life as best they can. Treat them with respect and they will reciprocate or at least that has been my experience.

So travel as often as you can but remember this; there is a difference between travel and tourism.

Tourism is simply taking in the sights and a little sun perhaps, whereas travel is a much more enlightening experience. It goes beyond the superficial and it is about trying to understand people and the reality of life for them.

Here are seven inspirational quotes about travel to get you thinking.

Quotes About Travel:

  1. To travel is to discover that everyone is wrong about other countries. ~Aldous Huxley
  2. One travels more usefully when alone, because he [or she] reflects more. ~Thomas Jefferson
  3. A good traveller has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving. ~Lao Tzu
  4. Certainly, travel is more than the seeing of sights; it is a change that goes on, deep and permanent, in the ideas of living. ~Mary Ritter Beard
  5. People who don’t travel cannot have a global view. All they see is what’s in front of them. Those people cannot accept new things because all they know is where they live. ~Martin Yan
  6. Perhaps travel cannot prevent bigotry but by demonstrating that all peoples cry, laugh, eat, worry, and die, it can introduce the idea that if we try and understand each other, we may even become friends. ~Maya Angelou
  7. The traveller sees what he sees; the tourist sees what he has come to see. ~Gilbert K. Chesterton

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7 inspirational quotes about trust

Trust underpins any relationship, if it’s to have any longevity. Strong relationships are built on trust. However trust is something that can take years to establish and only seconds to destroy.

One thoughtless act is all it takes; one moment of weakness. And once destroyed, trust is almost impossible to win back, certainly to anything like the same level as before, because people can never quite see you in the same way again.

To secure someone’s trust is a privileged position to be in because it means you are held in the highest regard. To them you are someone with integrity and you have won their respect.

So trust is a very a special thing and, once established, it should never be abused. Not if you value a relationship and/or your reputation anyway.

If you’re in a relationship and for you it is not all you would like it to be, then it’s perfectly reasonable to be honest with someone, explain the situation and move on. They may be upset by your actions but they’ll appreciate your honesty.

However when you truly value a relationship and you have won a person’s trust then think long and hard before you consider doing anything that might destroy that trust. To do otherwise would mean, almost certainly, you’ll regret it.

And remember this; everything you do, however small, honest or dishonest, says something to the world about your character. So how do you want to be judged; trustworthy or otherwise?

In my opinion, it’s better to be known as someone who’s honest and trustworthy, rather than someone people feel they cannot trust. No amount of personal gain will compensate for having a poor reputation. I don’t think do anyway.

Here are seven inspirational quotes about trust to help you reflect on its significance in relation to your reputation.

Quotes about trust:

  1. Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships. ~Stephen Covey
  2. To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved. ~George MacDonald
  3. Trust is hard to come by. That’s why my circle is small and tight. I’m kind of funny about making new friends. ~Eminem
  4. Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters. ~Albert Einstein
  5. A blessed thing it is for any man or woman to have a friend, one human soul whom we can trust utterly, who knows the best and worst of us, and who loves us in spite of all our faults. ~Charles Kingsley
  6. I cannot trust a man to control others who cannot control himself. ~Robert E Lee
  7. Most good relationships are built on mutual trust and respect. ~Mona Sutphen

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7 inspirational quotes about fitness

When we’re working hard and the demands on us are many, it’s easy to lose sight of our health and fitness.

Consider this question; why do we work at all? Yes, we need a sense of purpose of course. It’s also true that we need an income. We can’t go far without money, can we? However for me the primary reason we work is to provide for our loved ones. To ensure they enjoy a decent standard of living.

Putting the needs of our loved ones first is important, wouldn’t you agree? The supplementary question here is; what are those needs? Well above all else, our loved ones need us. And they’d forgo many pleasures in my experience, if it means our presence will be guaranteed in their lives.

Therefore our health and fitness is important to our loved ones. They need us to stay healthy and fit. So we have a responsibility to take our fitness seriously.

If we want to stay healthy then we have to stay fit.

Looking after our health means exercising regularly. And regularly means a minimum of three times a week. We must factor regular exercise into our priorities each week. And that means exercising the whole body and getting the heart pumping.

It isn’t easy of course but it is worth it. It will make us feel better and we’ll look better too. There is a lot to be said for staying in shape.

For instance we’ll be more attractive to our partners. And we all like to think that we’re attractive to other people, surely?

Life is so much better if we’re fit. So if you’re not fit right now, it’s time to makes some changes in your life. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your loved ones.

Here are seven inspirational quotes about fitness to reinforce today’s message.

Quotes about fitness:

  1. Physical fitness is not only one of the most important keys to a healthy body it is the basis of dynamic and creative intellectual activity. ~John F. Kennedy
  2. If I don’t feel confident about my body, I’m not going to sit at home and feel sorry for myself and not do something about it. It’s all about taking action and not being lazy. So you do the work, whether it’s fitness or whatever. It’s about getting up, motivating yourself and just doing it. ~Kim Kardashian
  3. Take care of your body. It’s the only place you have to live. ~Jim Rohn
  4. To enjoy the glow of good health, you must exercise. ~Gene Tunney
  5. Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. ~Joseph Addison
  6. The reason I exercise is for the quality of life I enjoy. ~Kenneth H. Cooper
  7. True enjoyment comes from activity of the mind and exercise of the body; the two are ever united. ~Wilhelm von Humboldt

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21 thought-provoking quotes about life

What is life really all about? That’s a question we all ask ourselves occasionally. In fact we’re all searching for meaning constantly it seems to me. That’s why quotes about life are so popular with people.

For some people life can be very hard, whilst others appear to lead a charmed life seemingly without any problems at all. However never judge a person’s situation by first appearances. In reality, everyone has problems and challenges.

No one goes through life without being tested from time to time.

Just because people don’t appear to have problems doesn’t mean they live lives that are problem free.

However it is through life’s challenges that our characters are formed. All you can do is take a philosophical approach and enjoy the ride.

If you’re searching for meaning today then here are 21 thought-provoking quotes about life to help you reflect and think about what matters most to you and yours:-

  1. You only live once but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
  2. To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all. ~Oscar Wilde
  3. The most important thing is to enjoy your life, to be happy, it’s all that matters. ~Audrey Hepburn
  4. Monsters are real and ghosts are real too. They live inside us and sometimes they win. ~Stephen King
  5. Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
  6. Life’s under no obligation to give us what we expect. ~Margaret Mitchell
  7. Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life. ~Sophia Loren
  8. Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment. ~Rita Mae Brown
  9. Your time is limited so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. ~Steve Jobs
  10. Life is to be enjoyed, not endured. ~Gordon B. Hinckley
  11. The more I see, the less I know for sure. ~John Lennon
  12. You cannot find peace by avoiding life. ~Michael Cunningham
  13. May you live every day of your life. ~Jonathan Swift
  14. Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, ‘It might have been.’ ~John Greenleaf Whittier
  15. You can’t live your life for other people. You’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if it hurts some people you love. ~Author Unknown
  16. I didn’t get there by wishing for it or hoping for it but by working for it. ~Estee Lauder
  17. I can accept failure, everyone fails at something, but I cannot accept not trying. ~Michael Jordan
  18. I’m the one that’s got to die when it’s time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to. ~Jimi Hendrix
  19. The things you do for yourself are gone when you are gone, but the things you do for others remain as your legacy. ~Kalu Ndukwe Kalu
  20. Whenever you want to achieve something, keep your eyes open, concentrate and make sure you know exactly what it is you want. No one can hit their target with their eyes closed. ~Paulo Coelho
  21. This life is what you make it. No matter what, you’re going to mess up sometimes, it’s a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you’re going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends; they’ll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything; they’re your true best friends. Don’t let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they’ll come and go too. And baby, I hate to say it, most of them, actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can’t give up because if you give up, you’ll never find your soulmate. You’ll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn’t mean you’re gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don’t, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about. ~Marilyn Monroe

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