15 Very Funny One-Liners by Billy Connolly

07/16/2024 by

Billy Connolly is known to millions worldwide as an irreverent comedian with a laser-sharp wit and an exceptional storyteller.

Often known affectionately as The Big Yin, his contribution to popular entertainment, particularly in Britain, has been enormous over the past 40 years.

He started working as a welder in the Glasgow shipyards and moved on to a career as a folk singer, initially with Gerry Rafferty and then as a solo artist.

Through that, he gradually found his natural calling, which was to make us all laugh and cheer us up. And at this, he excels.

Through his work as a comedian, he’s broadened his popular appeal through acting and presenting. In recognition of his achievements and his charitable work, he is now formally Sir William Connolly, CBE.

Billy Connolly is an excellent example of someone who, by finding something he both enjoys and excels at, has been very successful.

So today, dear reader, I offer you 15 very funny one-liners by Billy Connolly just to remind you of how witty he is. Enjoy them all.

Funny one-liners by Billy Connolly:

  1. Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn’t try it on. ~Billy Connolly
  2. Marriage is a wonderful invention. Then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. ~Billy Connolly
  3. My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. ~Billy Connolly
  4. Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time? ~Billy Connolly
  5. I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. ~Billy Connolly
  6. I don’t know why I should have to learn algebra. I’m never likely to go there. ~Billy Connolly
  7. If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name? ~Billy Connolly
  8. A lot of people say it’s a lack of vocabulary that makes you swear. Rubbish. I know thousands of words, but I still prefer f***. ~Billy Connolly
  9. What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find? ~Billy Connolly
  10. When people say, ‘It’s always the last place you look,”. Of course, it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it? ~Billy Connolly
  11. When something is ‘new and improved!’ which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it. ~Billy Connolly
  12. Why do people say, ‘Oh, you want to have your cake and eat it too?’ Dead right! What good is a cake if you can’t eat it? ~Billy Connolly
  13. A bird in the hand invariably sh*** on your wrist. ~Billy Connolly
  14. When you’re waiting for the bus and someone asks, ‘Has the bus come yet?’ If the bus came, would I be standing here?  ~Billy Connolly
  15. My advice to you if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard. ~Billy Connolly

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60 witty one-liners on attitude to make you smile

07/04/2024 by

If you’re looking for some witty one-liners on attitude then I’m confident that you might enjoy a few of these here.

Attitude is a little world that has a big impact on all our lives.

A positive attitude beats a negative one if your aim is to get along with other people.

However, sometimes you have to put on your crown and let other people know who is King or Queen.

It doesn’t do to be too agreeable, in my experience. That said, as with all things in life, some balance is essential.

So take five minutes to enjoy these witty one-liners and then please feel free to pass them on.

Witty one-liners on attitude (1-15):

  1. I’m too glam to give a damn!
  2. Life? Don’t talk to me about life!
  3. It’s my life, so I’ll live it my way.
  4. Well, this is not the life I had in mind.
  5. I’m so poor, I can’t even pay attention.
  6. An ounce of action beats a ton of theory.
  7. Life would be tragic if it wasn’t so funny.
  8. I’m not special but I am a limited edition.
  9. I’m me. If that’s a problem for you, tough!
  10. Haters beware. You’re my biggest motivator.
  11. What you think is what you think. Who cares?
  12. Nothing is interesting if you’re not interested.
  13. A bad experience is not the same as a bad life.
  14. If winning isn’t everything, why do we keep score?
  15. Life’s like ice cream. To be enjoyed before it melts.

Witty one-liners on attitude (16-30):

  1. Which part of I DON’T CARE don’t you understand?
  2. Is it just me or is the world run by complete idiots?
  3. Life’s far too short to be drinking poor quality wine.
  4. Fight the system by all means but it will always win.
  5. Don’t take life too seriously. You won’t get out alive.
  6. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
  7. Life’s a bitch and then you die. That’s all there is to it.
  8. If it wasn’t for my dog, no one would understand me.
  9. Be like a stamp. Stick to your goal until you get there.
  10. If you think I’m irritating now, wait till you see my bad side.
  11. I could give up every vice, but would life still be worth living?
  12. I don’t need your attitude. I’ve got one of my own, thank you.
  13. Research is what I’m doing when I don’t know what I’m doing.
  14. Just because it matters to you, don’t assume it matters to me too.
  15. You may disapprove of my choices but who are you to judge anyway?

Witty one-liners on attitude (31-45):

  1. Follow your heart but make sure you take your brain with you.
  2. My goal this year was to lose 10 pounds. I’ve just got 13 to go now.
  3. Only those who really care about you can hear you when you’re quiet.
  4. I thought I’d found the key to success, but someone’s changed the lock.
  5. People don’t necessarily change. Sometimes it’s just their mask slipping.
  6. Growing up, did anyone dream of becoming a Health & Safety Inspector?
  7. If you think I’m sarcastic, it’s a good job you never hear what I don’t say.
  8. Minds are like parachutes. They can only function properly if they’re open.
  9. If you don’t know how to thank me, I can tell you now, money works best.
  10. Some people say that nothing’s impossible and yet, I do nothing every day.
  11. The problem’s not the problem. The problem’s your attitude to the problem.
  12. If you have an opinion about my attitude, raise your hand. Now put it in your mouth.
  13. Don’t mistake my efficiency for any desire you think I may have to do your job too.
  14. Yesterday I did nothing and today, I need to finish what I was doing yesterday.
  15. If a woman says to a man, “Do what you want,” the man would be unwise to follow her advice.

Witty one-liners on attitude (45-60):

  1. If you’re caught doing something you shouldn’t have been doing, then just act daft.
  2. Regardless of what you may think, I wasn’t put on this earth just to make you happy.
  3. You may think you’re important but that doesn’t mean everyone else agrees with you.
  4. I thought my mood couldn’t get any worse today, and then my boss gave me more work.
  5. Why is it that when the only tool I have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail?
  6. Happiness is when you marry for love and then you realise they’ve got loads of money too.
  7. Being powerful is like being a gentleman, if you have to tell people you are then you aren’t.
  8. I don’t hate you. I’d unplug your life support to recharge my phone but I don’t hate you.
  9. If you’re wondering whether I’m free tomorrow, I’ll tell you now I’m likely to be very expensive.
  10. Work hard eight hours a day and, one day, you could be the boss working twelve hours a day.
  11. This morning I was told to check my attitude. I have and it’s still there. So, what’s the problem?
  12. Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality depends on me. My attitude depends on you.
  13. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude but I fail to see why that’s my problem.
  14. A positive attitude will not solve every problem but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
  15. I didn’t realise how rough my neighbourhood was until I bought an advent calendar and half the windows were boarded up.

Please share this post with your friends:

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32 witty, one-liner jokes about getting old to make you smile

07/04/2024 by

Looking for some jokes about getting old, dear reader? Well, today I can offer you 32 of them.

Whether you’re young or old, I’m sure you’ll be able to relate to a few of them.

I hope you enjoy them all and I hope they make you smile. Certainly, they all made me smile.

And remember this; we all get older, but getting old is a state of mind much more than anything else. You don’t have to let the old man or woman in.

Anyway, take a few moments to read them all and then pass them on.

Jokes about getting old:

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

Women rarely admit their age; men rarely act it.

I’m so old that my first car was a covered wagon.

How come everyone my age seems older than me?

I’m at the age where I can’t keep up with all the things I hate.

A wise man remembers a woman’s birthday but never her age.

I’m so old, I can remember when emojis were called hieroglyphics.

Regular naps will prevent old age, especially if taken while driving.

Ageing gracefully is the polite way of saying you’re slowly looking worse.

You know you’re old when dining out means catching the early bird special.

We were so poor growing up we could only listen to Simon or Garfunkel.

You know you’re old when people call at 9 pm and ask, “Did I wake you?”

I believe in loyalty. So, when I got to a certain age, I decided to stick with it.

My wife’s so vain, she’d rather pay full price than admit she’s a senior citizen.

I’d like to say I’m ageing like fine wine, but in my case, it’s more like a fine banana.

I like older women because they’re used to life’s disappointments, so they’re ready for me.

When you’re old, getting lucky is walking into a room and remembering exactly why you’re there.

Old age is when your old classmates are so grey, wrinkled, and bald that they no longer recognize you.

If it’s your birthday today, you should congratulate yourself. Especially if you’re still able to remember it.

The older I get, the more cults make perfect sense. Do you know how hard it is to make friends as an adult?

You know you’re getting old when you have more candles on your cake than friends at your birthday party.

The skill of the diplomat is the ability to tell someone to go to Hell in such a way that they’ll look forward to the trip.

Old age is when you’re faced with two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home by nine o’clock.

The best moment of a woman’s life isn’t giving birth, it’s seeing an old adversary and realizing how fat and ugly she is now.

When you’re young, you make a lot of noise just having fun. When you’re old, you make even more noise just bending over.

I wanted to look distinguished in my old age, so I grew a beard. Turns out the statement I’m making is more like, “Discount, please, I’m a senior!”

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive. Fortunately, my older brother told me about it.

When I was young, I did stupid things because I didn’t know any better. Now I know better, I still do stupid things, but I can’t help it.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age, but then I remember that death will be normal for my age at some point.

I’ve reached the age where looking in the mirror is like checking the news. I know there’ll be some new developments I won’t like.

When you’re young, embarrassment is forgetting to zip up your fly. When you’re old, embarrassment is forgetting to unzip your fly.

As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right one for me.

Please share this post with your friends:

Dear reader, did these jokes about getting old make you smile? I do hope so.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. I’m confident that you’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read today, please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. And you’ll be helping an aspiring blog to reach a wider audience.

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30 funny dating profile examples or how not to write one

06/23/2024 by

funny dating profile examplesIn days gone by the dating game was simple. You went to a dance on a Saturday night and, with a bit of luck, you met someone nice who was willing to see you again.

Obviously, the modern dating scene is very different. The age of the dating app makes the process difficult, insofar as you don’t get to meet someone unless they like what they see and what you have to say in your profile.

So you need a flattering photo, naturally, as well as a great sales pitch. And it really needs to be a sales pitch because you are actually trying to sell yourself to any potential dates who are checking out your profile.

A good sales pitch should highlight your unique selling proposition and the reasons why you’re a worthy date. Your words should be positive and scream “I’m a great catch, so grab me whilst I’m still available.” In short, your words should be a call to action.

Any decent salesperson could tell you this, so there’s nothing unique in what I’m saying here. You’d think it was obvious, wouldn’t you?

Following a close inspection of a few dating apps, I can tell you that there are plenty of people out there who haven’t helped themselves when they wrote their profiles.

However, whilst such people don’t necessarily do themselves any favours with their profiles, their words have the potential to make us all laugh.

So here are 30 funny dating profile examples that really made me smile. These are from real apps, albeit I wonder whether some were written tongue-in-cheek.

Funny dating profile examples (1-15):

  1. Miserable soul looking for love.
  2. Recovering alcoholic seeking soul mate.
  3. My life’s a car crash, can you make it better?
  4. I’ve just got the all-clear, so I’m ready for love again.
  5. Manic depressive looking for a nice girl to cheer him up.
  6. If you’ve got a fetish for body odour then I’m your man.
  7. I hate men but could you be the one to change my mind?
  8. So far, I’ve had 60 lovers at college, will you be my 61st?
  9. Looking for someone to pay my bills and take care of me.
  10. If you’ll be my meal ticket I’ll be your pampered princess.
  11. My relationships never work out but I’m willing to try again.
  12. Angry bitch looking for that special one to make his life hell.
  13. Don’t think of me as bald, think hairstyle that says minimalism.
  14. If you can handle a drama Queen then I could be the one for you.
  15. Served my sentence for assault and battery. Now looking for love.

Funny dating profile examples (16-30):

  1. If you’ll cook, clean and do my ironing then you’re the girl for me.
  2. I enjoy long walks and candlelit dinners and someone to pay the bill.
  3. Bad teeth, bad breath, body odour and acne but otherwise a great catch.
  4. Had my fun and I’ve got three kids to prove it. So what can you offer me?
  5. If you’re looking for a fixer-upper then I could be the challenge you need.
  6. As long as I always get my own way in every situation, I can be flexible.
  7. I hate everyone, so why should I like you? You’ll need a good story to tell.
  8. If you’re looking for a bird with a lot of troublesome baggage, then I’m your girl.
  9. My mother will always be my first priority but if that works for a girl like you, swipe right.
  10. If you’re looking for someone considerate, kind and caring then you’d better swipe left.
  11. I’ve got all the looks, charm and intelligence anyone could possibly want and I’m modest too.
  12. With three kids and one on the way, I’m looking for a father for them. Could you be the one?
  13. I can be difficult, jealous, sarcastic and moody. Could you be the one to make me happy?
  14. You could be my downtime, my spare time, my part-time, and my sometime. Someone I turn to when I’ve nothing better to do.
  15. Bald man with no job, no money, no prospects and living with his parents is looking for a good woman with her own house and car. Could you be the one?

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If any of these funny dating profile examples made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

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Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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32 brilliant short jokes to make you smile

06/20/2024 by

If you’re looking for some brilliant short jokes to make you smile, dear reader, I have 32 here today that will tickle you.

So, please take a few minutes and enjoy them all.

And feel free to share them with your friends.

Brilliant short jokes (1-10):

What do ticks and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris-sites.

l asked my boss when his birthday was. He said, “March 1st.” So, I stood up, walked around the office, and asked again.

My girlfriend said she’s leaving me because I’m balding. Well, it’s hair loss.

If a drummer comes out of retirement, will there be repercussions?”

The other day, I spotted an Albino Dalmatian. Well, it was the least I could do for him.

It’s a 5-minute walk from my house to my local bar. However, it’s a 45-minute walk from the bar back to my house. The difference is staggering.

I bought lettuce from a small grocery store called Mamas & Papas, but I can’t eat it. All the leaves are brown.

If I ate six bowls of alphabet soup before bed, would it result in a massive vowel movement the following morning?

I told my boss that I needed a pay raise because three other companies were after me. “Which ones?” he asked. “Electricity, Gas, and Water,” I replied.

I bought a new pair of gloves today, but it turns out that they’re both ‘lefts’. On the one hand, that’s fine, but on the other, it’s not right.

Brilliant short jokes (11-20):

Charles Dickens walked into a Manhattan bar and ordered a martini. “Olive or twist?” said the bartender.

I’ve started promoting the health benefits of eating dried grapes. Naturally, I’m raisin awareness.

OMG! I’ve just found out that Albert Einstein was a real person! And here was me thinking he was just a theoretical physicist.

I’ve just spent the day listening to the Doors. I really must oil the hinges.

My girlfriend runs a battery kiosk at the local park. She sells C cells by the seesaw.

I broke up with my girlfriend, Lorraine. She found out that I’d been seeing Claire Lee behind her back. At least, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine is gone!

I went to my doctor with hearing problems. He said, “Can you describe the symptoms?” I said, “Yes, Homer’s the fat bloke, and Marge is the woman with blue hair.”

Looking for an easy way to turn your sofa into a sofa bed? Try forgetting your wife’s birthday; that should do it.

My wife was bitten by a radioactive owl, and now she’s making all my decisions for me. It seems she has power of a tawny.

I joined a Carpenter’s Class the other day, but we haven’t made anything yet. We’ve only just begun.

Brilliant short jokes (21-32):

I wasn’t too happy when my doctor told me to cut down on my constant dancing, so I just grabbed my coat and waltzed right out of there.

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it’s eaten. It’s called wedding cake.

My Uncle Artie is always making funny vegetable puns. I must say, I love Artie jokes.

I pulled out a nose hair today to see if it hurt. Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the bus, I’d say it was pretty painful.

The teacher said to her math class, “If I had 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what would I have?” Little Johnny’s hand shot up and he said, “You’d have a drinking problem, miss.”

I was lonely until I glued a coffee cup on top of my car. Now everyone waves at me.

When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think, Oh, how sweet. I’m just surprised that there are people who bring a knife on a date.

I must have an amazing butt because, wherever I go, people keep saying, What an ass!

My grandkids wanted to know what it was like to be a kid growing up in the 60s. So, I took their phones from them, switched off the internet, gave them a popsicle, and told them to go play outside until the streetlights came on.

A married man was having an affair with a younger girl from the office. They’re sitting in a nice restaurant, and the guy smiles and says, “Babe, say something to get my heart racing.” His beautiful date returns his smile and says, “Your wife is sitting behind you at the next table.”

SON: “Dad, I’ve got a part in the school play. I’m playing a man who’s been married for 25 years.” DAD: “Never mind, son. Perhaps, next time you’ll get a speaking part.”

WIFE: “Look at that guy, he’s drunk.” HUSBAND: “Do you know him?” WIFE: “Yes, 10 years ago we dated, and he proposed to me, but I rejected him.” HUSBAND: “Wow, that’s incredible. He’s still celebrating after all this time.”

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If any of these one-liners made you smile, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

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Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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25 brilliant one-liner quotes that’ll raise a smile

06/15/2024 by

brilliant one-liner quotesHere are 25 brilliant one-liner quotes guaranteed to raise a smile. I loved them all and I’m confident you will too. Enjoy!

Brilliant one-liner quotes:

  1. Everything’s difficult before it’s easy.
  2. I do all my own stunts but never intentionally.
  3. Don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.
  4. Your secret’s safe with me. I wasn’t even listening.
  5. If only we could invoice people for wasting our time.
  6. I’m going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow.
  7. Work is just something I’m doing until I win the lottery.
  8. Sarcasm is just punching people in the face with words.
  9. The road to success has so many tempting parking spaces.
  10. You never know what you’ve got until you clean your room.
  11. Be like the postage stamp. Stick to a thing until you get there.
  12. I intended to behave but there were so many other options.
  13. If Cinderella’s shoe was such a perfect fit, why did it fall off?
  14. Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it’s only Tuesday.
  15. Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.
  16. Revenge sounds so mean. I prefer to call it returning the favour.
  17. They say nothing’s impossible but I’ve been doing nothing all day.
  18. I’m still waiting for the wisdom I was assured would come with age.
  19. If one door opens when another closes, your house is probably haunted.
  20. You know it’s time to move on when the best part of your job is a chair that swivels.
  21. If you want your children to listen to you, try talking in a very low voice to someone else.
  22. If you’re going to get into trouble for hitting someone, you might as well hit them hard.
  23. People who can’t find time for rest and recreation will be forced to make time for illness, sooner or later.
  24. All I’m saying officer is that if you caught me then you must have been speeding too and no one is above the law.
  25. When you get angry take a deep breath and count to 10. Then throw a punch at 8. Nobody expects that.

Enjoyed these one-liners? Please share this post:

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If any of these one-liners made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

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Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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5 funny story jokes that’ll make you chuckle

06/04/2024 by

If you’re looking for funny story jokes, I’ve got five little gems for you today.

So grab a coffee, and then take a few moments to enjoy them all.

And please feel free to pass them on.

Funny Story Jokes:

1. How to impress the girl of your dreams:

Young Josh is a 16-year-old, shy and socially awkward guy constantly dreaming of dating a girl, like many young men of his age.

As luck would have it, the real object of his affection lives right next door to him. Her name’s Charlene, she’s slim, attractive, cultured, and perfectly poised.

However, poor Josh is a little too bashful to engage her in conversation.

Nevertheless, that doesn’t stop him from watching her dreamily from his bedroom window as she wanders across her yard each morning.

One day Josh’s father notices him watching Charlene from his bedroom window.

“Josh, if you like the girl, why not say hello to her?” says his dad.

“Oh, Dad, I’m not very good at talking to girls, I never quite know what to say to them,”  Josh responds.

“Look, son,”  says his dad, “girls just like you to take an interest in them and what they’ve been doing. Just ask her about what she’s been doing.”

The following day, Josh sees Charlene wander across her yard, heading towards the john at the end of her garden.

Desperate to impress her and thinking he’s spotted an ideal opportunity to follow his dad’s advice, Josh rushes outside to catch her attention as she returns to the house.

Encouraged when Charlene flashes him a smile, Josh is convinced that this is his opportunity to impress her.

And then he hears himself say, “Been taking a dump then, Charlene?”

2. The man and the penguins:

Police officer Maguire is sitting in his patrol car by the side of the freeway when he sees a guy drive past him in a pickup truck full of penguins.

With blue lights flashing, Officer Maguire chases after the pickup truck and pulls the guy over.

“Sir, you do know that penguins are a protected species, and you can’t drive them around like this in this town?” says Officer Maguire. “I suggest you take them to the zoo.”

Having given the guy a polite warning, Officer Maguire then lets him go on his way.

The very next day, Officer Maguire is in his patrol car again when he sees the same man still driving around with the penguins, and this time they’re all wearing sunglasses.

So Officer Maguire pulls the guy over again and says, “Hey buddy, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo yesterday.”

“I did,”  the man replies, “and today I’m taking them to the beach.”

3. All rise:

Jim is up in court, charged with a series of misdemeanours.

Now, Jim feels he’s been unfairly treated, and when the judge rules against him, he cannot contain his anger any longer.

“You, sir, are a moron!” shouts Jim as the judge passes judgement.

Well, the judge is not amused and says, “For contempt of court, you’re fined $250; that’s $50 for each of those words you shouted.”

Jim gets out his wallet, and he’s checking its contents when the judge says, “You don’t have to pay the fine right now; you can hand the money to the clerk as you leave the court.”

Jim looks up, and, in response, says, “I wasn’t trying to pay you, sir; I was checking to see whether I had enough money to tell you what I really think of you.”

4. Strange sounds:

Did you know that when Beethoven sadly passed away, his body was buried in a church graveyard, as was common in those days?

A few days later, a couple of drunken youths were staggering through this graveyard late at night when they heard strange noises emanating from the plot where Beethoven had been buried.

Shaken by what they had heard, the youths ran to the priest to tell him about their experience.

The priest listened to them sympathetically and said, “Let’s go together to Beethoven’s grave, and I’ll hear it for myself.”

When they arrived at the plot, the priest listened carefully, and he could hear some faint, unrecognized music coming from the grave.

Well, even the priest was terrified by this experience, and he ran to the town’s mayor.

The mayor accompanied the priest back to the grave, where he could listen for himself.

As they stood by the grave, the mayor could hear Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony being played backwards.

Puzzled by this, he continued to listen, only to hear the Eighth Symphony played backwards, followed by the Seventh Symphony, the Sixth Symphony, The Fifth Symphony and so on, all played backwards.

The mayor stood there momentarily puzzled by this experience, and then he turned to the priest and said, “It’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”

5. Children and their teacher:

It’s the end of the school year, and the popular kindergarten teacher is receiving gifts from the children in her class.

She asks them to bring their gift to the front, one at a time.

First up is the florist’s son. He proudly hands her his neatly wrapped gift, and she thanks him and smiles.

She then gives the gift a little shake, holds it above her head momentarily, and then says, “I bet I know what this is. Some flowers?”

“That’s right,”  says the boy, “but how did you know?“

“Oh, it’s just a lucky guess,”  says the teacher.

The next child to offer a gift is the sweet shop owner’s daughter.

Once again, the teacher gives the gift a little shake, holds it above her head momentarily, and then says, “I bet I know what this is. It’s a box of sweets.“

“That’s right,”  says the little girl, “but how did you know?“

“Oh, it’s just a lucky guess,”  says the teacher.

The next child to offer a gift is the son of the liquor store owner.

As before, the teacher holds the gift-wrapped package above her head momentarily, but it’s leaking.

So she touches a drop of the slightly yellow liquid with her finger and then touches her finger on her tongue.

“Is it a Chardonnay?” asks the teacher.

“No!” the boy replies, a little excited in anticipation of her response.

Once again, the teacher touches the leaking, yellow liquid with her finger and then touches her finger on her tongue.

“Perhaps it’s Champagne?” she suggests.

“No!” the boy replies, with even more excitement than before.

So the teacher has one more quick taste of the liquid before saying, “Alright then, I give up, you’ve got me on his one. What is it?”

With a beaming smile and great excitement, the boy says, “It’s a puppy!“

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So for you, dear reader, did these funny story jokes make you laugh?

I hope so. However, there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read, then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

If you could share it now, I would be ever so grateful. You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

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15 amusing quotes by Mae West to make you smile

05/23/2024 by

Mae West was one of the most controversial movie stars of her day, making comedy out of the prudish, conventional mores of her era. And those Depression-era audiences loved her for it.

Born Mary Jane West in Brooklyn, New York in 1893 she was an actress, singer, playwright, screenwriter, comedian and sex symbol whose entertainment career spanned seven decades.

Some might dismiss her for her light-hearted bawdy double entendres and breezy sexual independence but she knew what she was doing and she was clearly very smart.

She was a woman who lived life on her own terms and in that sense she was way ahead of her time.

Asked about the various efforts to impede her career, Mae West replied, “I believe in censorship. I made a fortune out of it.”

Here are 15 quotes by Mae West, many of which I’m sure will make you smile.

Quotes by Mae West:

  1. A dame that knows the ropes isn’t likely to get tied up. ~Mae West
  2. I used to be Snow White but I drifted. ~Mae West
  3. Too much of a good thing can be wonderful. ~Mae West
  4. To err is human but it feels divine. ~Mae West
  5. I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it. ~Mae West
  6. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. ~Mae West
  7. You only live once but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
  8. Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. ~Mae West
  9. I never loved another person the way I loved myself. ~Mae West
  10. He who hesitates is a damned fool. ~Mae West
  11. Virtue has its own reward, but no sale at the box office. ~Mae West
  12. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. ~Mae West
  13. When I’m good, I’m very good but when I’m bad I’m better. ~Mae West
  14. I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure. ~Mae West
  15. Marriage is a great institution but I’m not ready for an institution. ~Mae West

Please share this post with your friends:

Did you find these quotes by Mae West amusing?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If that is the case then please share this post with your friends because when you share everyone wins.

So go on, share this post now on social media. If you can do that for me then I’ll be ever so grateful.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

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25 contenders for the best one-liners of all time

05/15/2024 by

Do you enjoy a witty one-liner, dear reader? Well, I’ve been searching for some contenders for the best one-liners of all time.

Today I’ve put together a batch of 25, that I hope you’ll enjoy.

They all made me smile, and I hope they’ll make you smile too.

So take a moment to enjoy them, and then please pass them on.

Best one-liners of all time (1-15):

  1. I’m not fat. I’m just easier to see.
  2. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
  3. Becoming a vegan is a big missed steak.
  4. My boss said, have a good day. So I went home.
  5. A clean desk is a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
  6. For maximum attention, nothing beats saying something stupid.
  7. I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
  8. Why is it that everyone seems normal until you get to know them?
  9. How is it that I always seem to buy plants without the will to live?
  10. The importance of teamwork is that there’s always someone else to blame.
  11. We must support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
  12. One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
  13. Why do we refer to the day we do all our household chores as a day off?
  14. The other man’s grass may be greener, but at least you don’t have to mow it.
  15. If we’re not supposed to eat at night, why’s there a light in the refrigerator?

Best one-liners of all time (16-25):

  1. Wise people learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us are the others.
  2. Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realising that the other person’s an idiot.
  3. An optimist believes that the world couldn’t be better. A pessimist is afraid that might be true.
  4. It’s funny when someone says we need to talk, but what they mean is, you need to listen.
  5. Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men actually spend thinking.
  6. Living in the 21st century is a bizarre experience. Our priority now is deleting history rather than making it.
  7. Life’s all about perspective. For instance, the sinking of the Titanic seemed like a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.
  8. We all live by the 50-50-90 rule. Anytime we have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability that we’ll get it wrong.
  9. My boss asked whether it was me or him who was stupid. I responded diplomatically that everyone knows he has a reputation for never hiring stupid people.
  10. Before I criticize anyone, I always walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when I’ve criticized them, I’m a mile away, and they can’t chase me because I’ve got their shoes.

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So dear reader, are the witticisms on offer today some contenders for the best one-liners of all time?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read in this post then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

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Thank you.

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7 Good jokes guaranteed to make you smile

04/17/2024 by

If you’re looking for some good jokes, then look no further, dear reader. I have seven very good jokes for you today.

They all made me laugh out loud, and I’m confident they’ll amuse you too.

So enjoy them all now.

And please feel free to pass them on.

Good jokes:

1. The duck hunter:

Dave was a keen duck hunter, and he’d been looking to buy a new bird dog for quite a while.

Dave’s search ended when he found an amazing dog that could walk on water to retrieve a duck.

Naturally, Dave was pleased with his discovery, but he was sure that his friends wouldn’t believe he’d found a dog that could walk on water.

So he decided to break the news to his friend Paul, a pessimist who was rarely impressed by anything.

Hoping that he might impress Paul, Dave invited him on a hunting trip to experience the dog firsthand.

However, Dave didn’t mention the dog’s special talent, as he wanted Paul to see it himself.

Arriving in the woods, the two men and the dog found a suitable spot by the lake and waited for some ducks to appear. And it wasn’t long before some ducks flew overhead.

Both men fired their shotguns, and a duck fell from the sky and landed on the lake.

The dog responded by walking across the water, without sinking and retrieving the duck. Apart from the soles of its feet, the dog didn’t get wet at all.

This continued throughout the day.

Each time a duck fell, the dog retrieved it by walking across the water without getting wet.

Determined to remain unimpressed, Paul observed everything, but he didn’t say a word.

On the drive home, Dave couldn’t resist it any longer, and he said to Paul, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog, Paul?”

“Yes, I did,” said Paul. “He can’t swim.”

2. Rookie error:

Jane is driving along Interstate 5 when she accidentally crashes into a guy driving a Porsche.

The guy immediately gets out of his Porsche and starts yelling at Jane and trying to intimidate her.

“Are you blind or something?” yells the guy. “Why didn’t you look where you were going?“

As luck would have it, Jane has a bottle of Jack Daniels on her rear seat, and she suggests to the guy that he takes a couple of swigs to calm his nerves.

The guy gratefully grabs the whiskey bottle and takes a long swig, pauses momentarily, and then takes another.

Just as he’s starting to calm down, a Highway Patrol officer appears on the scene, while the guy still has the whiskey bottle in his hand.

“Right,” says the Highway Patrol officer, “What’s happened here?”

Jane smiles demurely at the officer and says, “Officer, there’s been an accident because this guy’s been drinking.”

Moral of the Story: If you think you can intimidate women, you’d be wise to think again.

3. Down on the farm

One day, a farmer was tending his livestock when he noticed one of his cows was completely cross-eyed.

Naturally, being concerned, the farmer called a veterinarian and asked him to come and look at the cow.

The vet arrives at the farm, takes one look at the cow, and then sticks a rubber tube up the cow’s butt.

After a few moments, the vet puts the other end of the tube in his mouth and starts blowing hard.

Within a few seconds of blowing, the cow’s eyes completely straightened out.

The vet then charges the farmer $150 for his service and then leaves the farm to move on to his next appointment.

About a week later, another one of the farmer’s cows appears to be cross-eyed.

Well, the farmer doesn’t want to spend another $150 when he now knows what to do.

So, he finds a rubber tube and then calls his farmhand over to help him.

Together, they proceed to insert the tube into the cow’s butt.

The farmer then puts his lips on the tube and starts to blow. However, not being as young as he once was, the farmer can’t quite blow hard enough, and nothing happens.

So, he asks the farmhand to give it a try.

The farmhand removes the tube, turns it around, and then inserts it back into the cow’s butt. He then starts to blow hard.

“What are you doing?” the horrified farmer yells.

The farmhand gives him a puzzled look and then says, “Well, I wasn’t gonna use the side that you put in your mouth.”

4. Logic class:

Bubba and Jim Bob felt they weren’t going anywhere in life, so they decided to go to college to improve their situation.

Neither of them is very bright, so they decide to seek advice from the college principal for guidance on courses for which they’d be best suited.

Bubba goes to see the principal first, and, after a short conversation, the principal suggests he take the Logic course.

“What’s Logic?” asks Bubba.

“Well, it might be easier if I gave you an example,” says the principal. “Do you own a Weed Eater?“

“Well, yes, I do,” Bubba responds.

“Right,” says the principal. “If you own a Weed Eater, then it would be safe for me to assume you have a yard.”

“Wow,” says Bubba, “you’re right.”

“If you have a yard,” says the principal, “logic would suggest you also have a house.”

“Incredible,” says Bubba, “you’re right again.”

The principal continues, “And since you have a house, logic suggests you have a wife too.”

“Yes,” says Bubba, “that’s right, her name’s Daisy.”

“If you have a wife,” says the principal, “then you probably have children too.”

“I do,” says Bubba, “I have two kids, Willy and Maisy.”

“Right,” says the principal. “Then logically, it follows that you’re heterosexual.”

“Well, I’ll be,” says Bubba. “you’re right and you worked all that out from Logic. I can’t wait to start the Logic class.”

Bubba walks out of the principal’s office feeling ten feet tall and Jim Bob is there waiting to hear what happened.

“So, what class will you take?” asks Jim Bob.

“I’m taking the Logic class,” Bubba responds.

“What’s Logic?” asks Jim Bob.

“Well, it’ll be better if I explain it with an example,” says Bubba.

“Go on then,” says Jim Bob

“Right,” says Bubba. “Do you own a Weed Eater?“

“No,” Jim Bob replies.

“Then you’re gay,” says Bubba.

5. Tragic loss:

In 1912, a ship sailed from San Diego, heading for the port of Lázaro Cárdenas, Mexico, with a cargo of 20,000 jars of Hellmann’s mayonnaise.

The cargo was intended for the celebrations to commemorate the 50th anniversary of Mexico’s famous victory over the Second French Empire at the Battle of Puebla in 1862.

This would have been the largest shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico, had it not been for the ship sinking in rough seas before it could reach its intended destination.

Such was the popularity of Hellman’s famous condiment in Mexico at the time that the people were devastated, and a National Day of Mourning was declared.

This day continues to be commemorated every year on May 5, the date that the shipment was due to arrive in Lázaro Cárdenas. The event is better known as Sinko de Mayo.

6. Grizzly bears on the Appalachian Trail:

A tourist guide was explaining the dangers of grizzly bears to hikers about to walk the Appalachian Trail from Springer Mountain, Georgia.

The guide warned, “You should realise that most encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet to avoid disturbing wildlife, unexpectedly stumble upon bears.”

He had the hikers’ full attention now.

“Be aware that surprising a grizzly bear can have disastrous consequences for you,” the guide continued. “To avoid this, we recommend that hikers wear tiny bells on their clothing to provide bears with an early warning of your presence. You should, of course, exercise great caution should you spot the telltale signs of bears in the area, particularly if you see bear droppings.”

“And how do we identify bear droppings from those of other wildlife?” asked one of the hikers.

“Easy,”  explained the guide. “They’re the ones with all the tiny bells in them!”

7. The talking monkey:

Pete was walking past a pet shop when he saw a talking monkey being advertised for sale.

Intrigued, Pete went inside to see if this monkey was all the owners claimed it to be. It was, and Pete was so impressed, particularly with the monkey’s extensive vocabulary and mastery of English, he bought the erudite primate immediately.

Then that very evening, Pete took his new pet to his local bar, and he bet everyone twenty dollars that his monkey could recite the Gettysburg Address.

Ten people immediately accepted the challenge, but, despite much prompting from Pete, the monkey failed to say a word.

Pete was extremely disappointed, but he had no choice but to pay up.

However, when he got home, the monkey was talking freely once again.

So the next evening, Pete decided he would return to the bar and try again.

This time, he bet everyone thirty dollars that his monkey could recite the Gettysburg Address.

Given the experience of the previous evening, most of the patrons in the bar were more than willing to accept Pete’s bet.

Sadly for Pete, his monkey wouldn’t say a word, and once again, it proved to be an expensive evening.

When he got home with the monkey, Pete was annoyed with his pet, and he said, “I’ve had it with you, tomorrow you’re going back to the pet shop and I’m claiming a refund.”

“Calm down,” the monkey responded. “Just think about the odds; we’ll be able to get into the bar tomorrow evening.”

Please share this post:

So, dear reader, were these good jokes as good as you’d hoped? Were they worth a few minutes of your time?

I hope so. If they did make you smile, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Thank you for your support.

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