short jokes

5 funny jokes to tell your friends and make them smile

08/09/2025 by Roy Sutton

Few things in life can beat a good laugh. However, a better thing is making your friends laugh. So if you’re looking for some funny jokes to tell your friends, then today I offer you five of them, which I’m confident will raise a smile or two.

So take a few moments to enjoy them, and then feel free to pass them on to others.

It’s always good to share the smiles.

Funny jokes to tell your friends:

1. The Chapel of Rest:

When I was about seven years old, my father took me to the local funeral parlour, as he wanted to pay his respects to an old work colleague who’d recently died.

This was a man I’d never met, but it was important to my father, and he thought it would be a good life experience for me to accompany him.

As we waited our turn to view the open casket, I sat quietly in a corner, waiting for the time to pass.

Suddenly, the door to the Chapel of Rest opened, and an elderly man I’d never met came out, and as he did so, he smiled at me and said, “Make sure you enjoy your life, son. Be happy because it’ll all go by in the blink of an eye. Look at me, I didn’t, and now it’s too late.”

With that, the man disappeared through the door onto the street, and it was our turn to view the body and pay our respects.

We walked solemnly into the Chapel of Rest, and I looked into the open casket.

I was horrified. I couldn’t believe it. The body in the casket was the man who’d just spoken to me.

Well, I was utterly traumatized by the experience. I had nightmares, and I was terrified to be alone. I couldn’t sleep without the light on for several years.

It got so bad that I had to go for psychotherapy and counselling.

As I got older, gradually I began to cope a bit better, until one day I discovered something that completely changed my life.

I learned that my father’s dead colleague had an identical twin brother.

2. The Driving Test:

Jane arrived home, having just taken her driving test for the ninth time.

Naturally, her husband, Bill, was keen to know how she’d gotten on this time.

“So, honey, how did it go this time?” Bill asked.

“Not good,” Jane responded. “They failed me again.”

“Really?” said Bill, sounding disappointed for her. “What did they pull you up on this time?”

“A rope,” Jane responded, sheepishly.

“A rope?” Bill inquired, looking slightly puzzled.

“Yes, that’s how they got me out,” Jane responded. “The car’s still in the river.”

3. The Infertility Problem:

A farmer went into a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman sitting next to him at the counter said, “Well, how about that? I just ordered champagne, too!”

“What a coincidence,” the farmer responded. “This is a special day for me, so I’m celebrating!”

“Well, this is a special day for me too, so I’m celebrating as well,” the woman replied.

“What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses in celebration, the farmer asked, “What are you celebrating, mam?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a baby,” said the woman, “and my gynaecologist has just confirmed that I’m pregnant!”

“What a coincidence!” said the farmer. “I’m a chicken farmer, and my hens were infertile all last year, but today they are all laying eggs!”

“Wow, that’s great!” said the woman. “So, how did your chickens suddenly become fertile?”

“I used a different c***,” replied the farmer.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass again, and said, “What a coincidence!”

4. The Confessional Booth:

Father Murphy was taking confessions when a teenage boy entered the confessional booth.

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” said the youth. “I have been with a girl of loose morals.”

“Is that you, young Jimmy Walsh?” Father Murphy inquired.

“Yes, Father, it is,” young Jimmy responded.

“And you, an altar boy! I’m disappointed in you, Jimmy,” said Father Murphy. “Who is this young girl?”

“Oh Father, I don’t want to get her a bad reputation,” said Jimmy, defensively.

“Was it Bernadette Kelly?” Father Murphy inquired.

“No, Father,” said Jimmy.

“Was it Patricia O’Connor?” Father Murphy continued.

“No, Father,” said Jimmy.

“Was it Teresa O’Sullivan?” Father Murphy pressed on.

“Father, I cannot give you her name. It wouldn’t be fair,” said Jimmy.

“Well, I admire your loyalty to this girl, Jimmy, but you’ve sinned, and if you insist on remaining tight-lipped, then you must accept your penance,” Father Murphy responded.

“And what will that be, Father?” Jimmy asked.

“You’re barred from serving as an altar boy again for three months.” Father Murphy responded sternly.

Young Jimmy walked back to the pew slowly, and as he sat down, his friend Rory whispered, “How did it go?”

“The plan worked like a charm,” Jimmy responded with a smile. “Three months off and three great leads.”

5. Experimental Surgery:

Family and friends were gathered at the bedside of Jim, who was in a coma.

Eventually, a doctor arrived to update Jim’s loved ones on his situation.

The doctor paused momentarily as he observed the concern on their faces.

“I’m afraid I have some bad news for you,” said the doctor.

“What is it, doc?” asked Jim’s brother.

“Well,” responded the doctor. “If Jim is to survive, his only hope would be a brain transplant. I must tell you, this type of surgery is still experimental, it’s risky, and there will be a cost that you will need to pay.”

Jim’s loved ones stood there in stunned silence.

After a few minutes, Jim’s wife asked the doctor, “How much would his new brain cost?”

“Well, that depends,” said the doctor. “A male brain would cost around $10,000, whereas a female brain would be about $1,000.”

An awkward moment followed, as the men at Jim’s bedside couldn’t resist smirking.

Then Jim’s wife’s curiosity got the better of her.

“Why is the male brain so much more expensive, doctor?” she asked.

“Well, it’s our standard practice,” said the doctor. “We have to lower the price of a female brain because they’ve been used.”

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, did you find these funny jokes to tell your friends as amusing as you’d hoped? Certainly, I hope they all made you laugh.

Perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, please click on the links below.

And if you did enjoy this post then please share it with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone’s a winner.

Your support is truly appreciated.

Thank you.

More fun you might enjoy:

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Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, funniest jokes, funny, funny joke, funny jokes, funny jokes to tell your friends, humor, humour, jokes, Laugh, short funny stories, short jokes, witty jokes

5 funny short stories for seniors that’ll raise a smile

08/08/2025 by Roy Sutton

Here are five funny short stories for seniors that should raise a smile or two. They all made me laugh, and I hope they brighten your day too.

Please feel free to share them with your friends on social media.

Funny Short Stories for Seniors:

1. Fading memories:

An elderly couple, George and Mildred, began to notice that they were getting increasingly forgetful in their old age. Naturally, they thought it might be a good idea to discuss the problem with their doctor.

The doctor reassured them that this was quite a common experience for people as they got older, and he suggested that they should start writing things down to help them remember.

When they got home, Mildred asked George to get her a bowl of ice cream from the kitchen refrigerator.

“Should I write that down for you, George?” she said.

“No, Mildred. I’m sure I’ll remember a bowl of ice cream,” George responded.

“OK, George,” said Mildred,“ but I want some whipped cream with my ice cream, too. Should I write that down?”

“No,” said George. “I’ll remember. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.“

“George, I’d love a cherry on top too,” said Mildred. “Should I write that down?”

“No, I got it,” said George. “You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.”

So George disappears into the kitchen to get the ice cream, and he then spends an unusually long time there before returning about 40 minutes later.

He returns to the living room and hands Mildred a plate of eggs and bacon.

Mildred stares at the plate momentarily, and then she looks at George.

“Where’s the toast?” she asks.

2. Pronunciation problem:

Jeff and Mary, a middle-aged couple, are driving through Louisiana when they come to the small city of Natchitoches.

Neither of them had ever been there before, and they started arguing about how the city’s name is pronounced.

Needless to say, both of them thought they knew best, and they kept on bickering until eventually, they decided to stop for lunch.

At the counter, Jeff smiled at the pretty, young waitress and said, “Mam, before we order, could you help us settle an argument, please?”

The young waitress smiled and said, “Sure! How can I help you, honey?”

“Could you please pronounce where we are right now, very slowly?” said Jeff.

The young waitress leaned over the counter and said, “Yes, sir! It’s Burrr-gerrr Kiiing.“

3. Cash withdrawal:

A guy goes into his bank and withdraws $5,000 cash in $20 bills.

The teller counts out the cash in front of him and then wraps a rubber band around the cash bundle before she hands it to him.

He quickly stuffs the wad of cash in his pocket before leaving the bank in a hurry.

When he reaches his car, he puts his hand in his pocket to grab the cash, but it’s not there. He hadn’t been close enough to anyone for his pocket to have been picked, so he realised the cash must have fallen through a hole in his jacket.

All he can do is retrace his steps.

He gets back to his bank, and there’s an elderly lady on the street who says to him, “Sir, did you lose some cash bound with a rubber band?”

“Why yes, mam, I did,” says the guy. “Have you found it?”

“Well,” said the lady, “I’ve found the rubber band.”

4. Rules of engagement:

Mack and Mabel are an elderly couple who’ve been courting for over forty years.

Finally, they decided it was about time they got married.

However, first, they decided it was important to agree on how their marriage relationship would work.

So, they had a series of discussions on income, finances, cooking, cleaning, bedroom arrangements and everything else that would affect them both in the years ahead.

Finally, Mack thought it was important to discuss how the physical side of their relationship would work.

“How do you feel about s**?” Mack asked Mabel.

“Well,” said Mabel, choosing her words carefully, “I would like it infrequently.”

Mack thought about it momentarily and then asked, “Was that one word or two, Mabel?”

5. Bill’s quest:

Bill was driving down a remote country road one day. He’s in the middle of nowhere, a long way from home, when, as luck would have it, his car breaks down near a monastery.

So Bill walks over to the monastery and knocks on the door.

The door is opened by one of the monks, and Bill explains his predicament.

“I’m sorry to bother you,” says Bill, “but I’m a long way from home, my car’s broken down, and I can’t get a repairman today because it’s Sunday. Would it be possible for me to stay the night here at the monastery?“

The monks graciously accept Bill, and they’re happy for him to spend the night there. He’s invited to have dinner with them and, as they’re very resourceful, they even fix his car for him.

After Bill has retired to his room for the night, and as he’s trying to fall asleep, he hears a strange but seductive sound.

It’s a sound, unlike anything he’s ever heard before.

It’s a sound so seductive that Bill is reminded of the Sirens of Greek mythology, who lured sailors with their enchanting music and singing voices to shipwreck on the rocky coast.

Well, Bill cannot sleep that night thinking about what he’s just heard. He tosses and turns, trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a strange but seductive sound.

As you’d expect, at breakfast, Bill feels compelled to ask the monks about the sound he’d heard during the night.

The Abbot, sitting at the head of the table, smiles benevolently at Bill and responds to his question by saying, “Unfortunately, we cannot tell you because you’re not a monk.”

Bill is disappointed by this response, but he thanks the monks for their hospitality and, having finished breakfast, he leaves the monastery.

However, the matter doesn’t end there.

Bill cannot forget the hypnotic allure of this beautiful, seductive sound. So, a year later, he just has to go back to the monastery and plead with the monks to tell him more about this strange sound.

Once again, the response from the Abbot is, “Unfortunately, we cannot tell you because you’re not a monk.”

Bill is desperate, so he says to the Abbot, “Look, if the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk.”

“Before you can join our monastery,” says the Abbot, “you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are in total and the exact number of grains of sand there are, too. When you’ve found the answers to these questions, only then will you be ready to become a monk.“

Bill realises it won’t be easy, but he sets about his task to become a monk.

Years later, he’s now getting old, but Bill is back knocking on the door of the monastery.

The door is answered, and Bill is taken to the Abbot.

“In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I’ve travelled the earth as you requested,” says Bill. “Reflecting on the questions you asked me to answer, I’ve come to realise that the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self-deception.“

“Congratulations!” says the Abbot. “You’re now ready to become a monk and join our monastery.”

“Can I now know the mystery of the sacred sound?” asks Bill.

“Indeed, you can,” the Abbot responds. “Follow me.”

The Abbot then leads Bill down a long, dark corridor, at the end of which is an old wooden door.

“The source of the sound is beyond this door,” says the Abbot, as he hands Bill a key.

Bill then opens the door, only to find that behind it is another door made of stone.

The Abbot hands Bill another key, and he opens it, only to find yet another door, this time one that is encrusted with emeralds.

Well, the process goes on and Bill finds a series of doors, encrusted with various precious gems, including pearls, sapphires, rubies and diamonds. He’s given keys for each, and he opens each one.

Finally, Bill reaches a door that is made of solid gold.

He can now hear the strange and seductive sound clearly as the Abbot hands him the final key.

“This is the last key to the last door,” says the Abbot. “On the other side of this door is the source of the sound that has enchanted you so much, for so long.”

Bill is feeling a little apprehensive at this point, after all, the answer he’s been seeking for so long is behind this door.

With trembling hands, Bill unlocks the door, turns the knob, and pushes the door open, slowly.

He falls to his knees in amazement, as he finally discovers the source of that haunting, seductive and beautiful sound.

And what is the source?

Unfortunately, we cannot tell you because you’re not a monk.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, did you find these funny short stories for seniors as amusing as you’d hoped? Certainly, I hope they all made you laugh.

Perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, please click on the links below.

And if you did enjoy this post, then please share it with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone’s a winner?

Your support is truly appreciated.

Thank you.

More fun you might enjoy:

Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, funniest jokes, funny, funny joke, funny jokes, funny jokes to tell your friends, Funny Short Stories for Seniors, humor, humour, jokes, Laugh, short funny stories, short funny stories for adults, short jokes, witty jokes

5 short funny stories for adults looking for a smile

08/07/2025 by Roy Sutton

Here are five short funny stories for adults looking for a smile today. They all made me laugh, and I hope they make you laugh, too.

Short funny stories for adults:

1. The nudist beach:

Three men were visiting a nudist beach, and it wasn’t long before they were engaged in conversation. Two of the men looked very happy to be there, whilst the other man looked a little glum.

Naturally, their conversation quickly gravitated to a discussion about their respective jobs.

“I work on Wall Street,” said the first man, smiling. “It’s well-paid work, but the dress code is very formal, and I have to wear a suit with a collar and tie daily. So this is a perfect vacation for me. I have the freedom to relax, feeling completely unrestrained.”

The second man smiled and said, “I’m with you there, buddy. I’m a deep-sea diver, and I’m usually weighed down with a diver’s suit, lead boots, and a brass helmet. Being here on this beach is real freedom for me.”

The two men then looked at their unhappy companion and asked what he did for a living.

“I’m a pickpocket,” said the man, “and my therapist said I’d benefit from a holiday where I won’t have the opportunity to steal from people.”

2. The real deal:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in Benidorm debating the merits of their favourite bars back home.

“In my local pub in London,” says the Englishman, “if I buy two pints of lager, I get the third pint for free. Now that’s a decent deal, you must admit.”

“That’s nothing!” says the Scotsman. “In the pub I go to in Glasgow, if I buy two double whiskies, they’ll give me the third double whisky for free. That’s got to be an even better deal, surely?”

“Listen, boys,” the Irishman responds, “in my local pub in Dublin, if you buy five pints of Guinness, they’ll not only give you the sixth pint for free, but if you go upstairs, you can have s** for free too.”

The Englishman and the Scotsman look at each other quizzically before the Englishman says, “Really? Has that happened to you?”

“Well, no,” says the Irishman, “but it happens to my sister all the time.”

3. Crossing the raging river:

Jim, Bill, and Mike are three friends out walking in the countryside when they arrive at a wide and raging river.

Naturally, they need to get across, but they have no idea how to cross successfully.

Jim, being a believer in the good Lord, immediately prays to God. “Please, God, give me the strength to cross this raging river.”

Suddenly, there’s a POOF sound, and Jim’s arms and legs are transformed into powerful limbs that allow him to swim across the river in less than an hour.

Seeing this, Bill decides to pray too. “Please, God, give me the strength and ability to cross this raging river in a way easier than swimming.”

Suddenly, there’s a POOF sound, and there before Bill is a kayak, which allows him to row across the river in less than 30 minutes.

Having witnessed events so far and seeing how it works, Mike decides to pray too. “Please, God, give me the strength, ability, and intelligence to cross this raging river in the easiest way possible.”

Suddenly, there’s a POOF sound, and Mike is turned into a woman. She checks her map, walks 100 yards along the riverbank, and walks across the bridge.

4. Stranger in town:

The journey on horseback from Waco to Fort Worth is a long ride along a dusty trail, and for any cowboy, it’s thirsty work.

So when George passed through a small town along the way, he decided to stop at the saloon for a cold beer to quench his thirst.

Well, the locals were none too friendly to strangers passing through their town, and George could sense a negative vibe immediately as he tied up his horse to the post before walking through the saloon doors.

When he’d finished his beer, George walked outside, and he was none too happy to discover that someone had stolen his horse.

So he walked back into the bar, drew his gun from its holster, spun it around his finger in an impressive fashion, and then shot a bullet straight through a whisky bottle standing at the other end of the long bar.

The place went silent, and you could hear a pin drop, until George shouted, “Now which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?”

No one said anything. The place was deadly quiet.

George shouted menacingly, “Now you listen to me! I’m gonna sit here and have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I’ve finished my drink, then I’m gonna do what I dun in Waco. And I don’t want to have to do what I dun in Waco.”

The locals shifted nervously in their seats. They didn’t like strangers much, but they liked trouble even less.

So when George had finished his beer, he looked outside, and sure enough, there was his horse tied to the post and waiting for him.

George saddled up and then started to ride slowly along Main Street.

The bartender had wandered outside and stood and watched George go.

“Hey partner,” said the bartender, “so what happened in Waco?”

George smiled and said, “I had to walk home!”

5. The Adoption Agency:

A married couple, Jim and Josephine, owned their own circus, and one day they walked into an adoption agency.

Naturally, they explained their circumstances to the social worker.

The social worker looked a little puzzled. “Are you sure that a travelling circus is the best environment in which to bring up a young child?” he asked. “I mean, all those dangerous animals and constantly being on the road?”

“The animals are all well trained,” Josephine responded, “and we have a state-of-the-art, sixty-foot motor home, with every comfort necessary.”

“But how would you educate the child?” asked the social worker.

“We’ve arranged a tutor,” said Jim. “He’ll teach all the regular academic subjects, as well as Spanish and computer programming.”

“And we’ll have a nanny,” Josephine added quickly. “She’s certified in pediatric care, child welfare, and nutrition.”

The social worker had listened carefully, and he was impressed.

“Well, you do seem like an ideal couple,” he said. “What age of child did you have in mind?”

“It doesn’t matter,” said Jim, “as long as they’re small enough to fit in the cannon.”

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, did you find these short funny stories for adults as amusing as you’d hoped? Certainly, I hope they all made you laugh.

Perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, please click on the links below.

And if you did enjoy this post, then please share it with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone’s a winner.

Your support is truly appreciated.

Thank you.

More fun you might enjoy:

15 more short story jokes guaranteed to make you laugh

07/22/2025 by Roy Sutton

Looking for some more short story jokes, dear reader? Well, I’ve got 15 funny ones here for you today. I guarantee they’ll make you laugh.

So, grab a cup of coffee and take a few moments to relax and enjoy them all.

And please, feel free to pass them on.

More Short Story Jokes (1-5):

1. The Brown Bear:

Two friends, Bill and George were out hiking in the Katmai National Park in Alaska when suddenly they saw a brown bear ambling along in their direction.

Bill immediately takes out a pair of running shoes from his backpack and then sits down to replace his heavy hiking books with his Nikes.

George is puzzled by Bill’s actions, so naturally, he asks, “Bill why are you putting on your running shoes right now?”

“George, you don’t seriously think I’m going to hang around until we’re spotted by that bear, do you?” Bill responds.

“Bill, don’t be ridiculous,” said George, “you’ll never outrun a brown bear.”

“I don’t have to outrun the bear,” Bill responded “I only have to outrun you!”

With that Bill disappeared into the distance shouting back as he went, “Good luck with that bear George.”

Moral of the Story: When it’s you or the other guy, make sure it’s not you.

2. The Efficiency Expert:

I took my wife to a fancy restaurant in Manhattan called The Lemon Tree.

As the waiter was taking our order I noticed he had a spoon in his shirt pocket. This seemed a little strange but initially, I ignored it.

However, when the busboy brought our water and utensils, I couldn’t help noticing that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

And then as I gazed around the restaurant I could see that all the staff had spoons in their shirt pockets.

So when the waiter came back to serve the soup naturally I enquired, “Why is every member of staff here carrying a spoon?”

“Well,” said the waiter, “the restaurant’s owner hired consultants from McKinsey to improve our processes. After several weeks of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. They calculated that there was a drop frequency of approximately three spoons per table per hour.”

“Are you serious?” I felt compelled to ask.

“Yes sir!” said the waiter. “They concluded that if our people are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it at this point I managed to drop my spoon and he replaced it with the spare from his pocket immediately.

He then explained, “I’ll simply get another spoon when I next go to the kitchen, rather than making a special trip there right now.”

Such efficiency was impressive.

I then noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.

Looking around, I could see that all of the other waiters had the same string hanging from their flies too.

Puzzled by this I asked the waiter, “Why do you all have a string hanging from the fly in your trousers?”

“Oh!” he said, lowering his voice, “The McKinsey consultants concluded that this will help us save time when we have to visit the restroom during a shift.”

“How so?” I inquired.

“Well,” he said, “by tying this string to the tip of our ‘you-know-what’, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands. This shortens the time spent in the restroom by 39% they think.”

“Wow!” I said. “But how do you put it back in your trousers once you’ve finished?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”

3. Goodtime Girl:

I met a girl in a bar who said she worked in a fairground.

She asked me if I would like to go to her place and have a good time.

She wasn’t kidding. I went on the Dodgems, the Big Dipper, the Waltzer and the Ghost Train, all for free. I even came home with a goldfish and some Cotton Candy.

4. Car Park Incident:

I left my car in a multi-storey car park the other day, and when I returned, the back of the car had a huge dent in it.

I found a note under the windshield wiper, and it said, “Sorry but I accidentally reversed into your car. There were witnesses, so I left this note so they’d think I was leaving my contact details. Well, I’m not. And in case you’re wondering, the CCTV is broken too, so it’s not your lucky day.”

5. Tupperware:

Jock is a former special forces soldier who gets hired by the Sultan of Oman to help train his army.

After six months, Jock submits a leave request so he can visit Scotland for his mother’s birthday.

The Sultan is happy to grant his request, provided Jock promises to bring him back something traditionally Scottish.

Well, Jock goes home to Glasgow and enjoys celebrating his mother’s birthday and having a few drinks with all his old mates.

The day before Jock is due to fly back to Muscat, he realises he’d forgotten about the Sultan’s request.

“Hey, ma,” says Jock, “I was supposed to get something traditionally Scottish for the Sultan and I forgot.”

“Relax, son,” said his mother. “I’ll bake some of my famous shortbread. You can take that back with you.”

With that, she bakes several trays of shortbread and, once it’s all cooled, she puts it all in Tupperware boxes to keep it fresh.

When Jock arrives back in Oman, he presents the Sultan with the traditional Scottish shortbread.

Well, the Sultan is impressed with this traditional Scottish treat and thoroughly enjoys it. To show his appreciation, the Sultan sends Jock’s mum a solid gold vase. A prized item worth a considerable sum.

A few more months pass, and once again, Jock requests some leave so he can visit Scotland.

Once again, it’s not a problem.

“Yes, of course,” says the Sultan, “but please bring me back some of that delicious homemade shortbread.“

So, Jock goes back to Glasgow, and he mentions to his mum that he wants her to make some more shortbread for the Sultan.

“You must be joking, son,” says his mother. “I’m still waiting on my Tupperware dishes back!“

More Short Story Jokes (6-10):

6. A quick one:

Pete finally went to see his physician for a checkup, and the doctor said to him, “Can we talk about your weight?“

“Sure,” said Pete. “It was about 25 minutes, but the chairs were comfortable, and the selection of magazines was impressive.“

7. Farming Logic:

A guy is driving along a country road when he sees a farmer standing in the middle of a large field. The farmer is doing absolutely nothing except standing and gazing into the distance.

The guy stops and asks the farmer if he’s OK.

“Yes,” said the farmer, “I’m fine.”

“That’s good,” says the guy. “I was a little worried, as you’re just standing and staring at nothing in particular.”

“That’s because I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize,” the farmer responds.

“A Nobel Prize?” says the guy, somewhat surprised. “How will you win a Nobel Prize?”

“Well,” says the farmer, “I’m told that to win a Nobel Prize, you just need to be out standing in your field.”

8. The Counterfeiters:

A couple of small-time counterfeiters, Jack and Earl had managed to get hold of a small stock of the actual paper used for printing American currency. This was a genuine stroke of luck and they intended to make the most of it. So they set about printing some twenty-dollar bills.

However, they’d been drinking heavily beforehand and their attention to the job wasn’t all that it should have been. Nevertheless, they printed off their counterfeit currency and then staggered off to bed.

The following morning when they’d sobered up they looked at their previous night’s work and suddenly realized they’d printed $18 dollar bills by mistake.

“Oh, no!” said Jack. “We’ve used all the paper, so we can’t print them off again, can we?”

“No problem,” said Earl. “All we need to do is find some little hick town in the hills somewhere and go into a store and ask some inbred to change them for lower denomination notes.”

“Do you think that will work?” said Jack.

“Sure!” said Earl “And I know just the place.”

So Jack and Earl got in their car with all the counterfeit currency and headed for a little hick town in NowheresVille.

Eventually, they came to a tiny little town deep in the hills with just one store. So they stopped and entered the store.

Jack handed one of the counterfeit $18 bills to the guy behind the counter and politely asked, “Hey buddy, would you mind changing this for some lower denomination notes, please? If you could, that would be appreciated.“

The clerk looked at the $18 bill, smiled and said, “Sure, no problem. What’s your preference, two nines or three sixes?“

9. The Thoughtful Husband:

Sometime after Stephen had died his widow, Alice was finally able to speak about what a wonderful and thoughtful man her late husband had been.

“Stephen thought of everything“, she told her friend Mabel. “You know, just before he died, Stephen called me to his bedside and he handed me three envelopes.“

“Really?” said Mabel. “And what did he say?”

“He said, Alice, I have put my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I’ve instructed. Then I can rest in peace,” Alice responded.

“So, what was in the envelopes?” Mabel enquired.

“In the first envelope, there was $5,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this money to buy a nice casket’. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such thick padding in the lining that I know Stephen is resting very comfortably.” Alice responded.

“Really?” said Mabel.

“Yes,” said Alice, “And in the second envelope there was $10,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this for a nice funeral’. I arranged a very dignified funeral for Stephen, attended by all his friends and family.”

“So what was in the third envelope?” asked Mabel.

“The third envelope contained $50,000 with a note which said, ‘Please use this to buy a suitable stone so I’m remembered’.” Alice responded.

At this point, she held up her hand to Mabel and pointed to the ten-carat diamond ring on her finger.

“So Mabel,” said Alice, “do you like the stone?“

10. The Hearing Test:

Bill was concerned about his elderly wife’s hearing. So he decided to test it without telling her.

He went to the corner of the room about 15 feet away from her and said, “Honey can you hear me?“

There was no response.

So he went about 5 feet away from his wife and again said, “Honey can you hear me?“

Still, he got no response.

So he leaned over the back of her chair and raised his voice, shouting in her ear, “HONEY CAN YOU HEAR ME?”

His wife put down her newspaper and turned towards him saying, “Bill, I said ‘Yes’ three times already!“

Moral of the Story: Don’t assume someone else is the source of a problem. It could be you who’s the problem.

More Short Story Jokes (11-15):

11. Biblical tale:

Little Maisie is sitting on a jam-packed train.

A man sat next to her, and he noticed she was reading a biblical tale. So, he engages her in conversation.

“What are you reading?” asked the man.

“It’s the story of Jonah and the Whale,” Maisie responds.

The man smiles and says, “You do know that it is physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human being because, even though it is a large mammal, it only has a small throat.”

Little Maisie smiles politely and says, “Well, when I get to Heaven, I’ll be sure to ask Jonah what happened.”

The man smiles back and then says, “How can you be sure Jonah went to Heaven? He may have gone to Hell.”

Little Maisie thought about this comment momentarily and then said, “Well, if that’s the case, I guess you’ll have to ask him!“

Moral of the Story: Don’t mess with kids, they’re never short of an answer.

12. Chicken crossing the road:

On a dark country road, late at night, Jane is driving when she runs over a chicken crossing the road.

Just as she stops to check what has happened, a farmer runs over to her in hysterics.

“Oh my god!” screamed the farmer. “That was our prized egg-laying hen! Most of our income came from the eggs it laid. We’re already underwater on the house; how will I feed my family now?“

Jane began to panic. However, thinking fast, she remembered she was carrying $500 in cash. So, she handed over the money to the farmer, saying, “I’m sorry. It was an accident. Take this by way of compensation.”

The farmer calms down and takes the money, and Jane leaves the scene as quickly as she can before there’s any chance of him changing his mind.

As Jane’s car disappears into the distance, the farmer heads back to his chicken coop. As he’s about to retrieve another chicken, his wife appears and asks him what’s going on.

The farmer tells her the story of the run-over chicken and the $500.

The farmer’s wife looked at him suspiciously and asked, “Why was our chicken crossing the road?“

As the farmer lifts another chicken out of the coop, he smiles and says, “Because we have a mortgage, honey!“

Moral of the Story: Don’t mess with farmers, they’re never short of a solution to a problem.

13. The knock:

Jim and his wife, Laura, were awakened at 2 am by a loud knock on their front door.

So, Jim got up, went downstairs and opened the door. It was raining heavily, and standing there was a man who appeared to be drunk.

“Excuse me, sir,” said the drunk. “Can you give me a push?”

“You’re joking,” Jim responded. “It’s pouring with rain, it’s 2 am, and I’m tired after a long day at work. You’ll have to find someone else to help you.”

With that, Jim slammed the door and went back to bed.

“Who was it?” asked Laura

“It was just some drunken guy asking for a push,” said Jim.

“Oh, how unfortunate for him,” said Laura. “Did you help him?”

“No, I did not,” said Jim. “It’s late, it’s raining, and I’m tired. He can find someone else to help him.

“Well, you have a short memory,” says Laura. “Have you forgotten last month when our car broke down in the rain and you were glad that a guy stopped to help you. So, go and help him. That would be the decent thing to do.”

Well, Laura’s words made Jim feel guilty, so he got up, got dressed and went out to help the guy.

Naturally, at this time, it’s pitch black and it’s hard to see anything.

So, Jim calls out, “Hello, buddy, are you still there?“

There was a momentary silence before Jim heard a voice. “Yes!” said the voice.

“Do you still need a push?” shouted Jim.

“Yes, please!” The guy shouts back.

“I can’t see you in the dark. Where are you exactly?” asks Jim.

There was another momentary pause before Jim heard the guy shout, “I’m over here on the swing.”

14. Good intentions:

Myrtle is travelling with her dog, Rover, on a flight from New York to Wilmington, North Carolina.

She checks in her luggage and Rover in a crate.

When the flight arrives in Wilmington, the baggage handlers are unloading the luggage compartment, and when they get to the crate, they see that the dog is dead.

Fearing a lawsuit and the possibility of losing their jobs, the baggage handlers drive over to a pet store near the airport to see if there’s any chance they might have a dog for sale that matches Rover in breed and appearance.

Well, it seemed the Lord was smiling on them, because the pet store did indeed have a dog for sale that was a perfect match.

Having purchased the dog, they return to the airport with no more than five minutes to spare before Myrtle arrives to collect her luggage and the dog.

As the baggage handlers brought the crate to her, Myrtle looked in and screamed, “Oh my God!”

“Mam, is there a problem?” asked the chief baggage handler.

“That’s not Rover!” shouted Myrtle.

“How can you tell?” asked the baggage handler.

“Because Rover was dead,” said Myrtle. “I was bringing him home to be buried.”

Moral of the Story: Just because you mean well doesn’t mean it will end well.

15. IRS Audit:

Jake was a young tech entrepreneur who had been less than careful with his bookkeeping. Suddenly, he finds himself being subjected to an IRS audit.

Before he could completely comprehend what was happening, Jake was summoned to a meeting with a tax officer at his local IRS office to explain his financial circumstances.

Being nervous about how to deal with this, he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear to the meeting.

Being wary of the IRS, his accountant said, “Listen, buddy, you don’t want to give them the impression that you’re doing well. So, wear the shabbiest clothing you have and let them think you’re a pauper.“

This advice didn’t convince Jake, so he decided to seek a second opinion from his lawyer.

His lawyer had a different view from his accountant.

“You’ve got to look like you mean business. Don’t let them intimidate you,” said the lawyer. “If you do, they’ll think you’ve something to hide. Look your best and wear a suit and tie.”

These opposing views left Jake a little confused.

So, he went to his parish priest and told him about the conflicting advice he’d received from his professional advisors. “Father, what should I do?” asked Jake.

“Let me tell you a story, my son, about a young woman of this parish,” said Father Murphy. “She was about to be married and asked her mother for advice about what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother suggested she wear a flannel night-gown. However, when she asked her friend the same question, she was told to wear a see-through negligee.“

“I’m sorry, Father,” Jake interjected, “but how is this relevant to my predicament?”

Father Murphy smiled at him benevolently and said, “Jake, my son, it’s the IRS. It doesn’t matter what you wear, you’re still going to get screwed.“

So dear reader, that was some more short story jokes. I hope you enjoyed them and that they were worth a few minutes of your time.

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31 funny, short jokes that will tickle you

06/02/2025 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for some short, funny jokes to cheer you up, then I have 31 little gems here for you today, dear reader. I hope you enjoy them all.

Certainly, they tickled me, and I’m confident that you will like them too.

So, please grab a cup of coffee and then take a short break to enjoy them all.

And please feel free to pass them on

Funny jokes (1-10):

My wife suggested that I make a belt out of old pocket watches, but I thought that would be a waist of time.

Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers, is that true? Husband: To be honest, I didn’t even know she sold flowers.

I tried mixing Mexican alcohol with 20th-century American literature last night. The result was tequila mockingbird.

I bought a sweater, but it just kept picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store, and they gave me another one, free of charge.

Being kissed while you’re asleep must be one of the purest forms of love, unless you’re in prison, of course.

I woke up this morning and found my pet mouse, Elvis, dead in the kitchen. He was caught in a trap.

Did you hear what happened at the bread factory? It went up in flames this morning. Everything was toast.

Once upon a time, there lived a king who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.

I went to SeaWorld with Lionel Richie and his amazing, performing pet cat. What a feline, dancing on the sea lion.

My wife took going to jail badly. She swore at anyone who came near her and started throwing things everywhere. I won’t be playing Monopoly with her again.

Funny jokes (11-20):

I went to see my doctor this morning wearing creased clothes. He says I have an iron deficiency.

It’s my wife’s birthday next week, and she’s been leaving jewellery catalogues all over the house. I hope she likes the magazine rack I bought her.

Little Johnny: “Miss, can I be punished for something I haven’t done?” Teacher: “Of course not, Johnny! That wouldn’t be fair!” Little Johnny: “That’s good to know, Miss, because I haven’t done my homework.”

Bill was devastated when he arrived home with his 5-year-old, and his wife told him the boy wasn’t his. She told him that he needed to pay more attention when picking his son up from school.

Waiter: “How would you like your steak, sir?” Me: “Like winning an argument with my wife.” Waiter: “Rare it is then!“

My neighbour’s wife left him last week. She said she was going out for milk but never came back. I asked him how he was coping. “Not bad,” he said. “I’ve been using that powdered stuff.”

Don’t you hate it when you compliment someone on how bushy their moustache is, and then she suddenly starts getting upset with you?

I threw a ball for my dog. Everyone said that I was being extravagant, but it was his birthday, and he did look good in a dinner jacket.

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect, and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

They’ve got a new machine in my gym. I used it for half an hour yesterday, but then I started to feel sick. It’s great, though. It does everything: KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Hershey bars, Oreo Cookies, the lot.

Funny jokes (21-31):

I read a book last night called “How to end sentences with Beatles song titles“. That’s two hours of my life I won’t get back.

I was tearful when the paint pot fell from my stepladder. I was overcome with emulsion.

My wife suddenly burst into our living room and shouted, “Honey, pack your bags. I’ve won the lottery!” Naturally, I said, “Oh wow! What should I pack, beach stuff or comfortable walking shoes?” “No!” she said. “You don’t understand. I’ve won the lottery. Just get out.”

I started a new job as a deliveryman today. When I got to the first address, there was a little note on the door saying, “Dear Mr Deliveryman, we’re out, please hide in the garage.” That was eight hours ago, and still, nobody’s found me.

I got kicked out of the Walmart staff room today. They asked me what I was doing there. “Taking a break,” I responded. “But you don’t work here!” they replied. “Well, I’ve just been through the self-checkout,” I said. “So, clearly, I do!“

Two working guys are in a field. One guy is digging holes. The other is filling them in again. An elderly lady walking by sees what they’re doing and asks, “Why are you digging holes and then filling them in? What’s the point?” The first guy looks over at her and then says, “Well, mam, there’s normally three of us but the bloke that puts trees in the holes rang in sick today.”

A guy walks into a bar, sits at the counter, orders twelve beers, and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender sees what he’s doing and asks, “Hey, buddy, why are you drinking so fast?” The guy looks at him sheepishly and says, “You’d be drinking fast too if you had what I had.” The bartender, slightly puzzled by this response, asks, “What do you have?” The guy smiles and says, “75 cents.”

An American tourist is driving through Ireland. He stops when he sees a bar, walks inside, and asks a local man, “Hey, buddy, what’s the quickest way to Cork?” The man looks at him and says, “Are you walking or driving?” The tourist replies, “I’m driving.” The local man smiles and says, “Aye, that’ll be the quickest way, for sure.”

My wife shouted from upstairs, “Did you just feel a sharp pain like a voodoo model of you was being stabbed?” Slightly puzzled, I said, “No.” A moment later, she replied, “How about now?“

I’ve just been ripped off. I bought a bookcase, and on the box, it stated clearly ‘SELF-ASSEMBLY.’ When I got home, I took it out of the box and sat for three hours watching it, and it didn’t do anything. Eventually, I had to put it together myself.

An elderly man shuffled slowly into the ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly and painfully up onto a stool at the counter. After a moment to catch his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress smiled and asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?” “No!” said the old man. “It’s rheumatoid arthritis.”

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Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. Please share this post now.

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5 entertaining jokes guaranteed to make you laugh

08/17/2023 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for some entertaining jokes then here are five that should make you smile.

They all tickled me and I’m confident that you too will enjoy them, dear reader. I hope so anyway.

So, take a moment to have a laugh and then please feel free to pass them on.

Entertaining jokes:

1. Challenging times:

A pirate walks into a bar in Bermuda.

He walks up to the counter and the bartender says, “Hello matey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

“What do you mean?” says the pirate. “I feel fine.”

“Well, you didn’t have that wooden leg last time I saw you,” says the bartender.

“Oh, that,” responds the pirate. “We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannonball but I’m fine now.”

“Really?” says the bartender. “What about the hook? What happened to your hand?”

“Well, we were in another battle and my hand got chopped off in a sword fight,” says the pirate. “However I got fitted with the hook and I’m fine now.”

“Seriously?” says the bartender. “But what about the eye patch?”

“Look, it’s nothing,” says the pirate. “One day we’re at sea and a flock of seagulls flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye.”

“You’ve got to be joking,” says the bartender. “You lost your eye just from seagull poop?”

“It was my first day with the hook,” says the pirate.

2. Priorities:

Two businessmen, Jim and George, are playing golf.

They’re on the seventh tee and Jim is just about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the perimeter fence.

Jim immediately aborts his swing, takes off his hat, holds it to his chest, closes his eyes and bows his head in solemn contemplation.

When the funeral cortége has passed, George says, “That’s the most touching moment I’ve ever seen Jim. Clearly, you’re a man who’s willing to show his feelings.”

Jim quickly recovers his composure, smiles and then says, “Well, I was married to her for 35 years.”

3. Guilty:

Little Jane arrived home from school and said to her mom, “Mom, today in school I was punished for something I didn’t do.”

“That’s not right,” said her mom. “I’m going to speak to your teacher about this. What was it you didn’t do?”

Looking a little embarrassed little Jane replied, “My homework.”

4. Magician’s son:

On the first day of the new academic year, the school secretary was filling out forms relating to each student’s personal details.

“What’s your father’s occupation?” she asked little Johnny.

“He’s a magician, mam,” Johnny replied.

“A magician! Wow, that’s interesting,” the secretary said in response. “What’s his favourite trick?”

“He saws people in half,” said Johnny.

“Really? That’s amazing!” said the secretary. “Right, last question. Any brothers or sisters?”

“Yes, mam,” Johnny responded. “I have two half-sisters.”

5. Tricky decision:

His Holiness the Pope, head of the Catholic Church, is visiting New York City.

Naturally, there’s a limousine waiting for him as he arrives at JFK.

After getting the Pope’s luggage loaded into the limo, the chauffeur realises that the pontiff is still standing on the sidewalk.

“Oh, I’m so sorry your holiness,” says the chauffeur, “I was so busy, I didn’t realise you were still standing there. Please take your seat in the car and we’ll leave momentarily.”

“My son, if truth be told, it’s always been my ambition to drive in New York City,” says the Pope. “They never let me drive in Rome. Would it be possible for me to drive today? Just into the city? You’d be making an old man very happy.”

“Your Holiness, I couldn’t do that. I’d lose my job!” the chauffeur responds.

“Who’s going to know?” the Pope asks with a smile. “I won’t tell if you don’t.”

Reluctant though he was, eventually the chauffeur allows himself to be persuaded.

So with a beaming smile, the Pope climbs into the driver’s seat and the chauffeur takes a seat in the back of the car.

For once he’s as free as a bird, so the pontiff decides to make the most of the experience. He presses the pedal hard to the metal, the limo takes off and they hit the freeway doing 120 mph.

“Your holiness,” pleads the chauffeur, “you’ll get a ticket if you don’t slow down.”

Well, his holiness wasn’t listening. They’re really moving at high speed when suddenly they hear the sound of a police car siren.

“Oh, holy mother of Jesus,” says the worried chauffeur. “I’m definitely going to lose my job now.”

Naturally, the Pope has no choice but to pull over.

His holiness rolls down his window as police officer Mackenzie approaches the limo.

Officer Mackenzie just takes one look at the man in the driver’s seat and he turns and goes straight back to his car and gets on to the police radio.

“I need to talk to the Chief of Police now,” police officer Mackenzie says to the dispatcher.

After a few minutes, The Chief of Police is on the radio and police officer Mackenzie tells him that he’s stopped a limo doing 120 mph on the freeway.

“So what’s the problem? Just bust his ass!” says the Chief.

“Sir, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” police officer Mackenzie responds. “There’s someone really important in the car.”

“So? That’s all the more reason to bust him,” exclaims the Police Chief.

“No sir, I mean someone who’s really, really important,” says police officer Mackenzie.

“So, who’s in the car?” asks the Chief. “Is it the Mayor?”

“No sir. Much bigger,” says police officer Mackenzie.

“You mean a Senator?” asks the Chief.

“No sir. Much bigger,” says police officer Mackenzie.

“You mean the President?” exclaims the Chief.

“No sir. Even bigger,” says police officer Mackenzie.

“Bigger than the President?” exclaims the Chief. “Well, who the hell is it?“

“Sir, I think it’s God,” police officer Mackenzie responds.

“GOD!” exclaims the Chief. “What makes you think it’s God?“

“Because his chauffeur’s the Pope!” says police officer Mackenzie.

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3 funny jokes for everyone in need of a laugh or two

08/11/2023 by Roy Sutton

Here are three very funny jokes for everyone in need of a laugh or two today.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to share them with your friends.

Funny jokes for everyone:

1. The subtle art of getting even:

Seventeen-year-old Brandon arrived home one day driving a fabulous Porsche 917K sports car.

Naturally, for his parents witnessing his arrival, this was a jaw-dropping moment.

“Where the hell did you get that car, Brandon?” asks his father. “Did you steal it?”

“No, Dad,” replies Brandon. “I bought it.”

“Brandon,” says his mother, “a car like that would cost in excess of $10 million. How could you possibly have bought it?”

“Oh, mum, you’re exaggerating,” says Brandon. “It only cost me fifteen dollars.”

“Fifteen dollars!” exclaims his father. “Who’d be mad enough to sell you a car like that for fifteen dollars?”

“It was Mrs Jones who lives in that large mansion on my paper route,” replies Brandon. “She saw me on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

Well, Brandon’s mother and father felt compelled to pay Mrs Jones a visit.

When Mrs Jones answered the knock on her door, Brandon’s father was quick with his questions, “Why would you sell my son a classic sports car for fifteen dollars? What the hell is going on?”

“It’s very simple, really,” Mrs Jones replied. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. He told me he’d decided to run off for a new life in Hawaii with his secretary. He said he wasn’t coming back and he asked me to sell his Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

2. Senior moment:

Betty, an elderly Florida lady, had been doing her shopping and, upon returning to her car, she found four young men in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

Being the feisty lady that she was, she dropped her shopping to the floor and then grabbed a Smith & Wesson 5906 from her purse and shouted as loud as she could, “Yes, I’m armed; yes, it’s loaded; and yes, I know how to use it! Get out of the car punks!”

The four young men could see that this wasn’t a lady to be messed with, so they got out of the car and ran like hell.

Feisty as she was, naturally, Betty was still a little shaken by her experience and the adrenaline was definitely pumping through her veins.

She loaded her shopping bags into the back of the car, and then she got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she couldn’t get her key into the ignition.

Well, she tried and tried, and then she realized why.

It was for the same reason that she was suddenly wondering why was there a football, a Frisbee and two 6-packs of beer on the rear seat?

Suddenly, it dawned on her that her own car was actually located seven spaces farther along the parking line.

“Oh dear!” she exclaimed to herself

So, she transferred her shopping into her own car and then she drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four very pale young men were reporting a car-jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, curly white hair, who was armed and dangerous.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story: If you’re going to have a senior moment, make it memorable.

3. Medical cover:

Jim was out shopping in his local mall one day.

He’s browsing in a store when suddenly he suffers a serious heart attack.

Naturally, as soon as the clerks see Jim collapse on the floor, they called 911.

Within minutes paramedics are on the scene and Jim’s rushed to the nearest hospital, where he undergoes emergency open-heart, bypass surgery.

A few hours later, Jim is awakened from his surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.

Sister Philomena, a young nun, is seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms and a pen.

“Sir,” says Sister Philomena. “I know this is a difficult moment for you but I need to ask you, who is going to pay for your treatment? Do you have health insurance?”

“No mam, I don’t have any health insurance,” Jim responds, almost whispering.

“Well then, do you have any money in the bank?” asks Sister Philomena.

“No mam, I don’t have any money in the bank either,” Jim responds, once again, in an almost inaudible whisper.

Starting to get a little concerned, Sister Philomena asks, “Do you have any relatives who could help you with the payments?“

“Well, I only have a spinster sister but she’s a nun,” Jim responds.

Sister Philomena is really irritated by this insensitive comment and she announces loudly, for everyone to hear, “Sir, nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God!”

“Well then, that’s perfect,” says Jim. “You’ll be able to send the bill to my brother-in-law.“

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5 funny jokes to tell your friends to make them laugh

08/09/2023 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for some funny jokes to tell your friends then look no further. Here are five little gems that are guaranteed to raise a smile.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to pass them on.

Funny jokes to tell your friends:

1. Challenging times:

When Jim arrived home one day, he was met at his front door by his wife, Elaine. She was sobbing uncontrollably.

“What’s the matter, honey?” asked Jim.

“It’s the pharmacist,” Elaine responded. “He insulted me terribly when I spoke with him on the phone earlier.”

Naturally, Jim drove downtown immediately to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.

Before Jim could say more than a few words the pharmacist interrupted him.

“Sir, please just listen to my side of the story first,” said the pharmacist.

“Go on then, I’m listening,” said Jim sharply.

“Well, this morning,” said the pharmacist, “my alarm failed to go off and so I was late getting up. I missed breakfast and hurried to my car. However, as I slammed my front door, I realised that it had locked with the keys to the house and the car inside. So, I had to break a window to get back in the house to get my keys.”

“But how does that explain the way you spoke to my wife,” asked Jim.

“Sir, I’m getting to that,” said the pharmacist. “Naturally, having broken a window, I had to board it up before I left. That made me even later. So, I was speeding in my car, in an attempt to make up the time, but a cop stopped me and I got a speeding ticket. Then three blocks from my store I got a flat tire.”

“So, you were unfortunate, so what?” Jim responds.

“I lost more time changing the wheel on my car,” the pharmacist continued, “and then when I got to my store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open. They were unhappy but I served them as quickly as I could, despite their moaning at me, and all the time the phone was ringing off the hook.”

“Fine, but how does that explain your treatment of my wife,” asks Jim.

“Well, the pressure didn’t end there,” the pharmacist continued. “To give a customer change, I had to break a roll of nickels but they spilt out of my hands, all over the floor. I get down on my knees to pick up all the nickels and the phone is still ringing. Then, I get up off my knees only to crack my head on the open cash register. I then fell backwards against I showcase of expensive perfume bottles. They all hit the floor and there was glass smashed everywhere. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing.”

“So, what did you do then,” asked Jim.

“Well, finally, I had no choice but to answer the phone,” said the pharmacist. “It was your wife and she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And I can honestly say mister, all I did was tell her!”

2. Under the influence:

A police officer spots a man driving erratically and thinks he might be witnessing a DUI violation.

Naturally, he pulls the guy over.

“Sir,” said the officer, “have you been drinking?”

“Yes, officer,” the guy responds, “I have.”

“So, how much have you drunk tonight?” the officer asks.

“Well, let me see,” says the guy, “I started in O’Malley’s Bar, and I had five beers there. Then I went to Finnigan’s Bar, and I drank seven double vodkas. Finally, I went to Riley’s Bar, and I drank a full bottle of Bushmills whiskey.”

“Sir,” said the police officer, “I need you to step out of your car and take a breathalyser test to see if you’re over the limit.”

“Why?” says the guy. “Don’t you believe me?”

3. Missing the obvious:

A guy arrives on a bicycle from Mexico at the US Border in San Diego.

He’s carrying a large bag of light brown powder and immediately the customs officers think he’s smuggling drugs.

So, they search him and test the powder. However, he’s carrying nothing suspicious, and the powder turns out to be nothing but fine sand.

The next day the same guy arrives at the border again, on a bicycle, carrying another bag of light brown powder.

Once again, he’s searched, and the powder is tested. Again, they find nothing suspicious, and the powder is just sand.

This saga goes on every day for the next three years. Every day the guy arrives on a bicycle, carrying a bag of what proves to be nothing but sand.

One day, one of the customs officers bumps into the guy in a bar in San Diego and his curiosity gets the better of him.

“Listen, buddy,” says the customs officer, “we know you’ve been smuggling something. Between you and me, what is it? It’s driving me crazy.”

The guy smiles broadly and then says, “Bicycles!”

4. Misunderstanding:

My wife and I were all dressed up and ready to go out for an evening of dinner and theatre. However, having been burgled previously, naturally, we were security-conscious. So we turned on a night light and put our cat out in the backyard.

When our cab arrived, we were walking out of our front door when our cat Milly shot back in again and ran up the stairs.

Unfortunately, Milly liked to chase our pet parakeet, so the two of them couldn’t be left alone in the house together.

So, my wife went back into the house to catch the cat and put it back outside again.

Naturally, security-conscious as ever, I didn’t want the cab driver to know our house would be empty, so I told him that my wife had just gone inside momentarily to say good night to her mother.

A few minutes later my wife got into the cab looking very hot and bothered.

“Sorry, it took so long,” she said. “The stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then she tried to take off again, so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass down the stairs and threw her into the backyard. So, she’d better not crap on my vegetable garden whilst we’re out!”

The look on the cab driver’s face was priceless.

5. Communication breakdown:

Judge Bernstein was interviewing an elderly lady regarding her pending divorce.

“So, Mrs Thompson,” said Judge Bernstein, “what are the grounds for your divorce?“

“About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by,” replied Mrs Thompson.

“No,” he said the judge, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?“

“Oh,” Mrs Thompson responded, “it’s made of wood, slate, brick and mortar.”

“No, no,” said the judge, “I mean, what are your relations like?“

“Well,” she Mrs Thompson, “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so does my husband.“

“Mrs Thompson, do you have a real grudge?” the judge asked warily.

“No, your honour,” replied Mrs Thompson. “We have a two-car carport.”

The judge tried once again, “Please, Mrs Thompson, is there any infidelity in your marriage?“

“Yes,” said Mrs Thompson. “Both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes.”

“Mam, please,” said the judge. “Does your husband ever beat you up?“

“Yes,” said Mrs Thompson. “He gets up earlier than I do on Saturdays when he’s playing golf.“

Finally, the judge cannot contain his frustration any longer.

“Lady, why do you want a divorce?” he asks.

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” Mrs Thompson replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he can’t communicate with me!“

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5 entertaining jokes guaranteed to raise a laugh or two

08/08/2023 by Roy Sutton

If you enjoy entertaining jokes then here are five that I’m confident will make you smile.

Enjoy them all and share them all with your friends.

Entertaining jokes:

1. Softball fanatics:

Two 90-year-old women, Mabel and Lily, had been the best of friends all of their lives.

Now Mabel had been in poor health for a couple of years and it was clear that her last days were not too far away. Naturally, her good friend Lily visited her every single day.

One day as they were chatting, Lily said, “Mabel, we’ve both enjoyed playing softball all our lives. All through high school and ever since we really enjoyed playing the game we both love. So, do me a great favour. When you get to Heaven, please find a way to let me know whether I’ll be able to play softball with you when we’re both there.”

Mabel looked up from her deathbed and said, “Lily, you’ve been my best friend since we were children. If it’s at all possible, I will do this favour for you.”

They were to be Mabel’s last words because, sadly, she passed away silently in her sleep that very night.

The following night, Lily was awakened suddenly from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light, and a voice calling out to her, “Lily, Lily!”

“Who is it?” said Lily.

“Lily,” said the voice, “it’s me, your friend Mabel.”

“You can’t be Mabel,” said Lily. “Mabel passed away yesterday.”

“Lily, it is me, Mabel,” insisted the voice.

“Mabel, where are you then?” asked Lily.

“I’m in Heaven,” said Mabel. “I’ve got some good news for you and a little bad news too.”

“What’s the good news?” asked Lily.

“Well, the good news is that women’s softball is played in Heaven,” said Mabel.

“Oh, that’s wonderful,” said Lily.

“Better still,” said Mabel, “all of our old buddies who died before me are here to play with too.”

“Really?” said Lily.

“Yes,” Mabel responded. “And even better than that, we’re all young again, it’s always springtime up here, and it never rains or snows. We can play softball whenever we want, and we never get tired.”

“Wow,” said Lily “that’s fantastic. So, what’s the bad news?”

“You’ll be pitching next Tuesday?” Mabel responded.

2. Married bliss:

Jim and Jean had been married for over 30 years and, in all that time, they’d never fought, not even once.

One day, Jim and his friend Bill were talking and Bill was impressed to hear about what sounded like such a harmonious relationship.

“How is that even possible?” Bill asked.

“Well,” said Jim, “when we got married, we stayed at my late uncle’s Texas ranch for our honeymoon. On the first day we went out horse riding and we hadn’t gone far before Jean’s horse jumped and she fell off.”

“Really?” Bill exclaimed. “So, what happened then?”

“Well, as cool as you like,” said Jim, “Jean just got up, patted the horse and then said, ‘This is your first time!’.”

“Wow!” said Bill.

“After a while,” Jim continued, “it happened again. And again, Jean just got up, patted the horse and said, ‘This is your second time!’.”

“I’m guessing that’s not the end of the story,” said Bill.

“No,” said Jim. “It happened again, and this time she pulled out a gun and shot the horse.”

“No!” said a very surprised Bill. “What happened then?”

“I shouted at her,” said Jim. “Are you crazy? You’ve just killed a perfectly innocent animal!”

Jim paused momentarily and then continued, “She gave me a menacing look and then said, ‘This is your first time!’.”

3. Smart sheepdog:

A farmer wants to check how many sheep he has in his field.

So he decides to ask his sheepdog to count them all.

The dog runs into the field, counts them all and runs back to the farmer.

“How many?” the farmer asks.

“Forty,” says the dog.

“How can there be forty,” the farmer asks, “I only bought thirty-eight.”

“I rounded them up,” the dog responded.

4. Caring son:

“Hello,” said the voice. “Is this the Police?”

“Yes,” said the operator, “How can we help you?”

“I’m calling to report Jim Brown,” said the voice.

“Why?” said the operator, “What’s he done?”

“He’s hiding drugs inside his wood store,” said the voice.

That very evening, after dark, the police swooped on the house of Jim Brown.

They search his wood store thoroughly and then, with sharp axes, they chop up every log, reducing them all to pieces of firewood.

The Police find absolutely nothing and so they leave empty-handed.

The next day, Jim Brown receives a telephone call from his son.

“Hi Dad, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to come over to help you yesterday but did the Police arrive?” asked his son.

“Yes,” Jim responded.

“Did they chop up all your firewood?” his son asks.

“Yes, they did,” says Jim.

“That’s great Dad,” says his son, “Happy birthday!”

5. The trip to Rome:

Jane was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled and ready for a trip to Rome with her husband.

Naturally, Jane is talking with her hairdresser and she mentions how excited she is to be going on her forthcoming trip to the Eternal City.

“Rome?” said the hairdresser. “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?“

“Well,” said Jane, “we’re flying American Airlines and we got a really great deal on the tickets!“

“Oh, I just hate American Airlines,” said the hairdresser. “Their planes are old, their inflight service is terrible and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?“

“We’ll be staying at this exclusive little place called the Hotel Splendide Royal,” Jane responded. “Oh, I just can’t wait.”

Stop right there,” said the hairdresser. “I’ve heard about that place. Everybody thinks it’s special, but my friend told me it’s actually a real dump. So, what will you do whilst you’re there?“

“We’re going to see the Vatican,” said Jane, “and maybe we might even get to see the Pope.“

The hairdresser laughed, “You and a million other people will be trying to see the Pope and, even if you do, he’ll look the size of an ant, you’ll be so far away. Sounds like a lousy trip. I wish you luck because you’re going to need it.“

Six weeks later, Jane’s back from her trip and sitting in the same hairdresser’s having her hair styled once again.

Naturally, the hairdresser is interested to hear all about Jane’s trip to Rome.

“Oh, it was wonderful,” said Jane, “the best vacation ever.”

“Really!” said the hairdresser. “In what way was it so great?”

“Well, first off, the brand new plane we travelled on was overbooked and so American Airlines very kindly upgraded us to First Class at no charge,” said Jane. “The inflight service was terrific, the food and wine were just wonderful, we arrived bang on time, and the cabin crew couldn’t have been more attentive throughout the journey.”

“So, you got lucky with the flight,” said the hairdresser sarcastically. “How was the hotel?”

“Oh, my goodness, it couldn’t have been better,” said Jane. “It had recently had a major makeover, and because it was overbooked, we got upgraded to a suite, at no charge. Best hotel experience ever.”

“Well, lucky you,” muttered the hairdresser. “I’ll bet you didn’t get to see the Pope though.“

“Actually, we were very lucky,” said Jane. “We were walking around the Vatican when a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and said that the Pope would like to speak with me.”

“Oh, really!” said the hairdresser. “And what did the Pope have to say when you met him?“

“He said, my God woman, who made such a terrible mess of your hair?” said Jane with a smile.

Please share these entertaining jokes:

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If you did enjoy this post then please share it with your friends on social media.

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9 funny jokes to tell your friends in the bar after work

08/04/2023 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for some funny jokes to tell your friends in the bar after work, then look no further.

There are some excellent ones here. Well, I think so, anyway.

I hope you enjoy them all too. If you do, please feel free to pass them on.

Funny jokes to tell:

1. Turning a problem into an opportunity:

A young guy named Jim meets a farmer in a bar.

They get talking over a beer at the counter and very soon Jim’s bought a horse from the farmer unseen for $250. Not only has he not seen the nag, Jim even agreed to pay upfront too.

The farmer agrees to deliver the horse to Jim’s home the next day.

Sure enough the next morning the farmer arrives at Jim’s home but the news is not quite what Jim is expecting.

“Sorry, son,” says the farmer, “but unfortunately the horse has died.”

“Well,” says Jim, “just give me back my money.”

“Sorry, son,” responds the farmer, “I can’t do that because I’ve already spent your money.”

“Well, in that case,” says Jim, “just bring me the dead horse.”

“What are you going to do with a dead horse?” asks the farmer.

“I’ll raffle him off, to get my money back,” says Jim.

“You can’t raffle a dead horse!” exclaims the farmer, sounding a little surprised.

“Sure, I can. Just watch me!” says Jim. “I just won’t mention the fact that the horse is dead.”

A couple of months later, the farmer bumps into Jim in the same bar where they met originally.

“Hi,” says the farmer. “Tell me, what happened to the dead horse?”

“I raffled him off like I said I would,” Jim responds.

“Oh really, and how did that go?” asks the farmer.

“It was brilliant,” says Jim. “I sold 1,000 raffle tickets at $5 each and after what I gave you for the horse plus expenses, I made $4,575 profit.”

“Really?” says the farmer. “Didn’t anyone complain about the horse being dead?”

“Yes,” says Jim, “the guy who won. So I gave him back his five dollars.”

2. The power of flight:

Bill walks into a bar located on the roof terrace of a skyscraper in downtown Metropolis.

Bill’s standing at the counter waiting to be served, when the guy next to him offers him a sip of his cocktail.

“Take a sip of this cocktail buddy,” the guy says, slurring his words. “It’s a special drink and it will give you the power of flight.”

“Oh, that’s got to be nonsense,” says Bill. “There’s no way taking a sip of someone’s drink will have me flying around the rooftops of Metropolis.”

“Would I lie to you?” the guy says to Bill. “Let me show you.”

With that, the guy swallows the contents of the glass, then jumps off the roof, flies around in a wide circle and then glides smoothly back onto the roof terrace.

Bill is amazed by what he’s just witnessed. So he says to the bartender, “I’ll have whatever he’s been drinking.”

Bill is served the same cocktail which he swallows in one and then he attempts to jump off the roof but falls flat on his face on the edge of the roof terrace.

The bartender looks at the guy who’d encouraged Bill to try the cocktail and says, “Dammit, you really are a nuisance to other customers when you’re drunk Superman.”

3. Customer needs:

I was in Walmart just before Thanksgiving this year.

A lady was looking through a pile of frozen turkeys but she couldn’t seem to find one big enough for her needs.

I heard her speak with the clerk and she said, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

“No, mam!” he replied. “They’re all dead.”

Well, it made me smile.

4. Generous spirit:

I bumped into a woman outside the shopping mall who was crying because she’d just lost $200.

I felt really sorry for her, so I gave her $50 from the $200 I’d just found.

Well, when God smiles at you, it’s only right that you share your good fortune with those less fortunate than you.

5. Getting things done:

Yesterday, Mary’s husband Jim thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen.

So, naturally, Jim sprayed everything down very carefully and then cleaned the entire kitchen thoroughly from wall to wall and floor to ceiling. Absolutely nothing escaped his cleaning regime. When he’d finished the kitchen sparkled like new.

Today, Mary put the cockroach in the bathroom.

Moral of the Story: Never, ever underestimate a woman’s cunning.

6. Corny joke of the week:

Last night I saw two cows playing poker whilst smoking a couple of huge spliffs.

Yes, that’s right! The steaks were high.

7. Caught out:

Jane arrived in the office one morning and her boss said to her, “Jane, do you believe in life after death?”

Looking slightly puzzled, she responded, “Well, I’m not aware that there’s any proof it exists.”

“Well, in that case,” her boss said, “you might be interested to know that after you left early yesterday to go to your uncle’s funeral, he came into the office looking for you.”

8. The art of tact:

Jim is planning to take his new lady friend on a two-week cruise around the islands of the Eastern Caribbean. However, he has one problem, he needs someone to take care of his cat and his elderly father.

After a little searching around his friends, Jim’s old High School buddy Billy Bob volunteers to act as caretaker.

So, Jim and his lady friend go off on their cruise and for a few days’ life is good.

Then, suddenly, Jim receives an email from Billy Bob on his smartphone.

The message simply reads, “Jim, your cat was hit by a car and it’s dead. Regards, Billy Bob.“

Well, Jim thinks that’s a brutal way of letting him know about the fate of his beloved pet, so he phones Billy Bob immediately to tell him so.

“Listen, buddy,” says Jim. “You could have been a bit more sensitive and tactful in the way you let me know about my cat.”

Well, Billy Bob doesn’t quite understand. “What do you mean, buddy?”

“Well,” Jim responds, “it would have been better if you’d adopted a three-email strategy.”

“What in hell is a three-email strategy?” asks Billy Bob.

“Look, it’s easy,” says Jim. “In the first email, you start off by saying, I just wanted to let you know your cat’s been climbing trees.”

“Right, and then what?” asks Billy Bob.

“Well, the next day you send a second message, saying your cat’s fallen out of a tree and hurt its paw,” says Jim.

“And, then what?” asks Billy Bob.

“Well, finally,” Jim continues, “the following day, you send a third message saying, after falling out of a tree and hurting its paw, the cat was hit by a car and sadly it’s dead. With this strategy, at least I get a chance to slowly come to terms with my loss.”

“Gotcha,” says Billy Bob, “I’ll remember that next time.”

A few more days go by and Jim’s enjoying his vacation when suddenly he receives another email which reads, “Jim, I just wanted to let you know your father’s been climbing trees. Regards, Billy Bob.”

9. Very early Christmas joke:

Three buddies had been having more than a few drinks in a series of Manhattan bars on Christmas Eve.

They’re staggering along Broadway trying to cross the street when they’re all hit by a truck and killed.

In the blink of an eye, they find themselves standing in front of St Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Gentlemen,” says St Peter, “to get into Heaven at this time of year, you must have something on you that represents Christmas.”

The first guy, Jim, flicks his cigarette lighter and says to St Peter, “The flame represents the light that Christmas brings to our lives.”

“Very good,” says St Peter. “James, you may make your way through the Pearly Gates.”

The second guy, Stan, jingles his car keys and then says, “They represent the jingle of Santa’s sleigh bells.”

“Very good,” says St Peter. “Stanley, you may make your way through the Pearly Gates.”

St Peter then looks at the last guy, Mick, who is staggering all over the place and rummaging around in his pockets.

Eventually, Mick pulls out some items of ladies’ underwear from his jacket pocket and holds them up for St Peter to see,

With a puzzled look on his face, St Peter asks, “Michael, how do these items represent Christmas?”

“Oh, they’re Carol’s,” said Mick, with a sheepish grin.

Please share these funny jokes to tell:

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If you did enjoy this post then please share it with your friends on social media.

People really do enjoy funny jokes, so please share this post now.

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Funny jokes to tell your friends:

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2. The Driving Test:

3. The Infertility Problem:

4. The Confessional Booth:

5. Experimental Surgery:

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Funny Short Stories for Seniors:

1. Fading memories:

2. Pronunciation problem:

3. Cash withdrawal:

4. Rules of engagement:

5. Bill’s quest:

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Short funny stories for adults:

1. The nudist beach:

2. The real deal:

3. Crossing the raging river:

4. Stranger in town:

5. The Adoption Agency:

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1. The Brown Bear:

2. The Efficiency Expert:

3. Goodtime Girl:

4. Car Park Incident:

5. Tupperware:

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6. A quick one:

7. Farming Logic:

8. The Counterfeiters:

9. The Thoughtful Husband:

10. The Hearing Test:

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11. Biblical tale:

12. Chicken crossing the road:

13. The knock:

14. Good intentions:

15. IRS Audit:

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Funny jokes (11-20):

Funny jokes (21-31):

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1. Challenging times:

2. Priorities:

3. Guilty:

4. Magician’s son:

5. Tricky decision:

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Funny jokes for everyone:

1. The subtle art of getting even:

2. Senior moment:

3. Medical cover:

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Funny jokes to tell your friends:

1. Challenging times:

2. Under the influence:

3. Missing the obvious:

4. Misunderstanding:

5. Communication breakdown:

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Entertaining jokes:

1. Softball fanatics:

2. Married bliss:

3. Smart sheepdog:

4. Caring son:

Please share these entertaining jokes: