25 quotes by George Bernard Shaw to get you thinking

25 quotes by George Bernard Shaw

Today, I thought it would be interesting to explore some of the many quotes by George Bernard Shaw.

George Bernard Shaw was an Irish playwright, critic, and political activist.

His influence on Western theatre, culture, and politics extended from the 1880s to his death and indeed beyond.

Shaw was born in Dublin but moved to London in 1876, at the age of 20.

While he struggled to establish himself as a writer and novelist, he embarked on a rigorous process of self-education.

Views publicly expressed by Shaw were often contentious, and he courted unpopularity by denouncing both sides in the First World War (WW1).

Though not a Republican, he was also critical of British policy on Ireland in the post-WW1 period.

Shaw continued to write prolifically until shortly before his death, at the age of 94, and he left us with a legacy of interesting observations.

So, today I offer you 25 such observations in the form of quotes by George Bernard Shaw, all of which will make you think, I’m sure.

Take a few minutes to read these quotes and be inspired.

And please feel free to share them.

And if you’re on the move, take a look at the video version of the quotes below.

Quotes by George Bernard Shaw
Photo Credit: Alfred Stieglitz Collection
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Quotes by George Bernard Shaw (1-15):

  1. Youth is wasted on the young.
  2. Lack of money is the root of all evil.
  3. All great truths begin as blasphemies.
  4. He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.
  5. The golden rule is that there are no golden rules.
  6. A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.
  7. Science never solves a problem without creating ten more.
  8. Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it.
  9. Beware of false knowledge; it is more dangerous than ignorance.
  10. There is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it.
  11. Take care to get what you like, or you’ll be forced to like what you get.
  12. We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.
  13. The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
  14. A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
  15. You see things and you say, ‘Why?’ But I dream things that never were, and I say, ‘Why not?’

Quotes by George Bernard Shaw (16-25):

  1. The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.
  2. Success does not consist in never making mistakes, but in never making the same one a second time.
  3. A life spent making mistakes is not only more honourable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
  4. Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
  5. Choose silence of all virtues, for by it you hear other men’s imperfections and conceal your own.
  6. When I was young, I observed that nine out of ten things I did were failures. So, I did ten times more work.
  7. The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough leisure to wonder whether you are happy or not.
  8. The moment we want to believe something, we suddenly see all the arguments for it and become blind to the arguments against it.
  9. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can’t find them, make them.
  10. The only service a friend can really render is to keep up your courage by holding up to you a mirror in which you can see a noble image of yourself.

Video with audio commentary:

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60 Truisms reflecting life and the human condition

I’m often guilty of using truisms to reinforce a message, particularly when I’m giving a presentation.

People will often say that while truisms are generally accepted as obvious truths when repeated frequently, they can seem boring or clichéd.

Well, I think they’re useful tools for making points about life and the human condition and, occasionally, raising a smile too.

We smile because we recognise the underlying truth, which is always at the heart of great wit.

Today, dear reader, I offer you 60 examples of truisms that I love and frequently use.

Take a few moments to review them all, and feel free to share them with your friends.

Alternatively, you might want to use some of these truisms yourself.

In that case, please see how many of them you can use in your conversations today.

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Examples of truisms (1-20):

  1. Life isn’t fair.
  2. The truth will out.
  3. Patience is a virtue.
  4. Money makes money.
  5. It ain’t over ‘til it’s over.
  6. Stupid is as stupid does.
  7. We’re all cremated equal.
  8. A friend in need is a pest.
  9. All that glitters is not gold.
  10. Some things never change.
  11. Money can’t buy happiness.
  12. You can’t argue with stupid.
  13. You’ll get what you tolerate.
  14. The end justifies the means.
  15. Life’s a bitch, and then you die.
  16. No one saves us but ourselves.
  17. He would say that wouldn’t he?
  18. No man can serve two masters.
  19. Everything happens for a reason.
  20. A penny saved is a penny earned.

Examples of truisms (21-40):

  1. You can observe a lot by watching.
  2. Personality cannot be Photoshopped.
  3. Necessity is the mother of invention.
  4. You must be a friend to have a friend.
  5. There’s always a price. Nothing’s free.
  6. If he were not dead, he’d still be alive.
  7. The apple never falls far from the tree.
  8. A fool and his money are easily parted.
  9. Good things come to those who hustle.
  10. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
  11. Believe you can, and you’re halfway there.
  12. I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.
  13. Good people bring out the good in people.
  14. Chase two rabbits, and you’ll catch neither.
  15. A man is known by the company he keeps.
  16. Sometimes the juice isn’t worth the squeeze.
  17. A house divided against itself cannot stand.
  18. There’s always someone worse off than you.
  19. You can’t make a silk purse from a sow’s ear.
  20. Gossip dies when it hits a wise person’s ears.

Examples of truisms (41-60):

  1. Your behaviour makes you the person you are.
  2. Money can’t buy life or the wag of a dog’s tail.
  3. You can’t get 10 pounds of crap into a 5-pound bag.
  4. You can only help someone who wants to be helped.
  5. The customer’s always right, even when he’s wrong.
  6. I don’t want to live forever, but I do want to live today.
  7. Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.
  8. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
  9. Everything’s funny when it’s happening to someone else.
  10. For life to improve, we must take charge of our own lives.
  11. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.
  12. If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.
  13. Smile, and the world smiles with you. Cry, and you cry alone.
  14. Dropped toast always lands jam-side down on a new carpet.
  15. The mirror doesn’t lie, but fortunately, it doesn’t laugh either.
  16. You are responsible for your own success and your own failure.
  17. It’s the rich that get the pleasure, and the rest get the pain.
  18. Beauty’s only skin deep, but ugly goes right through to the bone.
  19. I know what’s around the corner; I just don’t know where the corner is.
  20. There’s a difference between the truth and that which we wish were true.
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Wit & Wisdom: 40 Amusing Quotes by Famous People

If you’re seeking amusing quotes by famous people, then look at this collection of wit and wisdom that I’ve curated for you today, dear reader.

Whether it’s a hearty chuckle you seek or a spark of genius, I’ve got you covered.

This handpicked treasure trove of quotes from some of history’s most brilliant minds is just for you.

So, illuminate your day, impress your friends, and enjoy these timeless gems.

If amusement is what you’re after, read on.

AMUSING QUOTES BY FAMOUS PEOPLE
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Amusing quotes by famous people (1-10):

  1. The road to hell is paved with adverbs. ~Stephen King
  2. I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ~W.C. Fields
  3. You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club. ~Jack London
  4. I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. ~Mark Twain
  5. Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. ~Oscar Wilde
  6. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ~Stephen Wright
  7. Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead. ~Charles Bukowski
  8. Never trust anyone who has not brought a book with them. ~Lemony Snicket (Daniel Handler)
  9. Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. ~Groucho Marx
  10. I have nothing to declare except my genius. ~Oscar Wilde (upon arriving at U.S. customs)

Amusing quotes by famous people (11-20):

  1. If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you. ~Billy Wilder
  2. You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. ~Bob Hope
  3. Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise, they won’t come to yours. ~Yogi Berra
  4. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. ~Oscar Wilde
  5. Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately, it kills all its pupils. ~Louis Hector Berlioz
  6. There is no surer way to misread any document than to read it literally. ~G.K. Chesterton
  7. Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. ~Benjamin Franklin
  8. I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer. ~Douglas Adams
  9. To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. ~Oscar Wilde
  10. I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. ~Woody Allen
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Amusing quotes by famous people (21-30):

  1. I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. ~Steven Wright
  2. Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes. ~Jim Carrey
  3. If it’s the Psychic Network, why do they need a phone number? ~Robin Williams
  4. I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re sceptical. ~Arthur C. Clarke
  5. The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. ~Tom Clancy
  6. I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. ~Douglas Adams
  7. Never put off until tomorrow what may be done the day after tomorrow just as well. ~Mark Twain
  8. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. ~Sir Winston Churchill
  9. When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’. ~John D. MacDonald
  10. It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains. ~Seth Grahame-Smith, “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” (parodying Jane Austen)

Amusing quotes by famous people (31-40):

  1. I’m too drunk to taste this chicken. ~Colonel Sanders
  2. I can resist everything except temptation. ~Oscar Wilde
  3. Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? ~Robin Williams
  4. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. ~Mae West 
  5. I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. ~David Lee Roth
  6. I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception. ~Groucho Marx
  7. Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position. ~Christopher Marlowe
  8. I’d rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort. ~Jean Paul Getty
  9. If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. ~Dorothy Parker
  10. I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job. ~Samuel Goldwyn
40 Amusing Quotes by Famous People
40 Amusing Quotes by Famous People
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15 funny short story jokes you’ll just love

Today, I offer you some funny short story jokes, dear reader. I’m confident they’ll make you smile, and I’m sure you’ll have to share them with your friends.

If you enjoy funny short story jokes, you’ll enjoy these.

So grab a coffee, relax and take a few moments to brighten your day.

And please feel free to pass them on.

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Funny Short Story Jokes:

1. Billy wants to get married:

Young Billy returned home one evening for dinner after spending the afternoon playing with his little friend Mary, who lived next door.

Naturally, his parents asked him what he’d been doing all afternoon.

We played soccer for a while, and then I proposed to Mary,” he said.

Not wishing to belittle him, his mom and dad went along with the idea, but his dad thought a little fatherly advice might be appropriate at this point.

Billy, being married is an expensive business,” said his dad. “How will you both manage?

Well,” said Billy, “with the $5 I get from you for pocket money each week and the $5 she gets from her folks, I think we’ll manage. And I can always take on a paper route to earn extra cash.

Suppressing a strong desire to burst out laughing, his mother said, “That’s all very well, Billy, but how will you and Mary manage if you were to have a baby?

Well,” said Billy, “we’ve been lucky to avoid that so far.

2. Ben goes to the pool:

Young Ben and his friends went to the local swimming pool for the afternoon.

They were playing around as kids do when the lifeguard shouted at Ben, “Hey, kid, you’re not allowed to pee in the pool!

But everyone pees in the pool,” Ben responded.

Maybe so, kid,” said the lifeguard, “but not from the high diving board.

3. Knock, Knock:

An elderly man was walking down the street one day when he observed a small boy struggling to reach the doorbell at one of the houses.

The kindly old man said to the boy, “Can I help you with that, sonny?

At which point he smiled and placed a comforting hand on the boy’s shoulder whilst pressing the doorbell firmly with his other hand.

There,” said the old man as he stepped back from the door. “Now, what do we do, young man?

We run like hell, mister,” the boy replied.

4. Potato family:

A family of potatoes sat down to dinner.

There was a mom potato, a dad potato, and three daughter potatoes.

The oldest daughter said, “I have some exciting news! I’m getting married!

Well, there was an excited response around the dinner table.

Oh, we’re so happy for you!” said dad potato, “Who’s the lucky guy?

He’s an Idaho potato,” his daughter responded.

That’s wonderful news,” said mom potato. “Idaho potatoes are solid, salt-of-the-earth types. Real hard workers.

The middle daughter then spoke, “Wow, what a coincidence. I also just received a proposal, too.

Again, there was a buzz of excitement around the table

And who proposed to you?” asked mom potato.

He’s a sweet potato,” said the daughter.

That’s wonderful,” said sad dad potato. “Sweet potatoes are known for their kindness and gentleness. He will take great care of you.

Well, now the third daughter felt it was time to have her say, “Mom and Dad, I’m getting married, too!

Oh, my goodness, all three of my daughters are getting hitched at the same time,” exclaimed dad potato. “Who is your future husband?

“Dan Rather,” said the youngest daughter potato.

A hush fell over the table. The parents and two older daughters looked awkwardly down at their plates.

What’s wrong with Dan Rather?” asked the youngest daughter potato.

Well, honey,” said the dad, “he’s just a common tater.”

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5. Washing the dog:

Little Johnny went into the store, and after some searching around, he picked out a large box of laundry detergent.

Having observed Johnny for a few minutes, the store assistant asked him whether he had a lot of laundry to do.

No,” said Johnny, “I’m not doing any laundry. I’m going to wash my little dog.

The store assistant frowned at him and said, “Listen, sonny, that’s a powerful detergent and far too strong for washing a small dog. It could make him ill or perhaps even kill him if you’re not careful.

Undeterred, Little Johnny said he’d take the detergent anyway, and then he paid the man and left the store.

A week later, Little Johnny was back in the store to buy a Hershey bar. The store assistant saw him and said, “Hey Johnny, how’s your little dog?

Oh, he died,” said Little Johnny.

I’m sorry to hear that, son, but I did warn you about that detergent,” the store assistant replied.

I don’t think it was the detergent,” said Little Johnny.

Really?” said the store assistant. “So what was it then?

“He looked like he was coping very well until the washing machine went into the spin cycle,” Little Johnny replied.

Bill Smith was a hen-pecked husband who was tired of being bossed around by his domineering wife.

After giving it some thought, Bill decided to visit a psychiatrist for help.

The psychiatrist asked Bill a few questions and then said, “Mr Smith, you need to improve your self-esteem and become more assertive.”

And how do I do that?” asked Bill.

Read this book,” said the psychiatrist, “and use it as your guide.”

With that, the psychiatrist gave Bill his book on assertiveness.

Bill started reading the book on this way home, and he’d completed it by the time he reached his house.

Fizzing with ideas on how he could be more assertive, Bill stormed into the house and walked straight up to his wife.

From now on,” said Bill, jabbing his finger at his wife, “I want you to know that I am the man of the house, and my word is law!

His wife was momentarily speechless.

So, Bill continued, “I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterwards. You got that?

A little surprised, his wife remained speechless but was growing increasingly irritated.

Bill carried on, “After dinner, I expect you to run a bath for me so that I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?

Having regained her composure, Bill’s wife looked him in the eye with a steely glint and said, “A funeral director?

Jim was excited that he was finally able to achieve a long-held ambition to attend a skydiving course.

The instructor on the course had completed his presentation and was now ready for the question-and-answer session with his new students.

Naturally, Jim was enthusiastic and immediately raised his hand to indicate he had a question.

Sir, you said our initial jump will be from 3,500 feet,” said Jim.

That’s correct,” the instructor responded.

So, can I ask,” Jim continued, “if my parachute fails to open, and my reserve chute also fails to deploy, how long would I have before I hit the ground?

The instructor smiled at him and then said, “I’d say, you’d have the rest of your life, Jim.”

Sean Murphy goes into the confessional box at St Patrick’s Church after many, many years of being away from his Catholic faith.

Sean pulls aside the curtain, enters the box and sits down.

He’s impressed. Things have improved since his last visit to church. There’s a fully equipped bar, as well as cigars and liqueur chocolates. On the wall, there are some fine photographs of some very nice-looking women.

He waits for a few minutes, and then he hears the priest enter.

Forgive me, Father, but it’s been a very long time since I last attended confession,” says Sean. “And let me say, the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.

Get out, you idiot,” Father O’Riley replies. “You’re on my side!

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At the Happy Valley Nursing Home, a group of elderly folks are sitting around discussing their ailments.

My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said Jim.

Yes, I know,” said Betty. “My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee.

Well,” said Martha, “I couldn’t even mark an ‘X’ at election time, my hands are so crippled.”

What’s that?” said Bert. “Speak up. I can’t hear you.”  

I can’t turn my head because I’ve got arthritis in my neck,” said Beryl,

They all nodded in recognition of Beryl’s problem.

Well,” said Jack, “my blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!

I forget where I am, and where I’m going,” said Jeff, an octogenarian who looks even older than his years.

I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” said Mabel, philosophically, as she slowly shook her head.

They all nodded in agreement.

Well, we should count our blessings,” said Albert, “at least, we can all still drive.

Vic and Dave were best friends, and both were deaf. One morning, they’re chatting with sign language during their coffee break, having both been out late drinking the night before.

Laughing and joking about their late drinking session, Vic says to Dave, “Well, my wife, Jane, was fast asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed without any trouble.

Jeez,” said Dave, “you were lucky. My wife, Barbara, was wide awake, waiting up for me in bed. The minute I entered the bedroom, she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late.”

Oh, buddy, that’s awful,” Vic responded. “So, what did you do?

Dave smiled and then said, “I just turned out the bedroom light.”

Rick’s wife, Victoria, had a tear in her dress, and she took it to a dressmaker for repair.

Victoria asked Rick to collect it for her on his way home from work.

Rick did as requested and collected it, but he was in a hurry, so he didn’t have time to check it.

The following morning, Victoria had to leave early for a business trip, but she left Rick a message after discovering that the repair to her dress hadn’t been completed.

Rick read the message, and she’d wrote upon it, “Return to mender a dress unsewn.”

Physician Dr Davis is sitting in his surgery one morning when a patient arrives, complaining of severe back pain.

Dr Davis starts to examine his patient, and he asks him, “Can you tell me exactly what happened to your back, Mr Smith?

Mr Smith replies, “Well, doctor, I work nights in a local night club. This morning, I got home early and could hear a noise in my bedroom.

Right,” Dr Davis responded, “but how did this affect your back?

Well, doctor,” Mr Smith continued, “when I entered the bedroom, I knew someone had been with my wife, as the balcony door was open.”

I still don’t quite understand,” said Dr Davis.

Well,” Mr Smith continued, “naturally, I rushed out onto the balcony, and as I looked down, I saw a man running, and he was dressing himself as he ran. So, I grabbed the refrigerator and threw it at him. And that’s how I strained my back.

Not long after Mr Smith left Dr Davis’s surgery, a second patient arrived, looking like he’d just crawled out of a wrecked car.

Well,” said Dr Davis, “my last patient looked bad, but you look terrible, Mr Jones. What has happened to you?

You won’t believe it, doctor,” said Mr Jones. “I was meant to be starting a new job today, having been unemployed for months. I overslept, and I was running out of the house, dressing as I went, trying to ensure I wasn’t late. Next minute, out of nowhere, a refrigerator lands on my head.

Within seconds of Mr Jones leaving the doctor’s surgery, the third patient of the day walks in.

Mr Wilson is in an even worse state than the two previous patients, and he looked like he had fallen from a great height.

Good morning, Mr Wilson,” said Dr Davis, a little shocked by what he saw before him. “What has happened to you?

Well, doctor,” Mr Wilson responded, “I was hiding in a refrigerator, and someone threw it from a 3rd-floor balcony.”

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A drunken man staggered onto a subway train and sat next to a Catholic priest.

The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes, the drunk turned to the priest and said, “Excuse me, Father, what causes arthritis?

My son,” the priest responded, “it’s caused by loose living, being with immoral women, drinking too much alcohol and having only contempt for your fellow man.”

Really?” said the drunk. “Well, I’ll be damned!” He then returned to reading his newspaper.

Having thought about what he’d said and feeling guilty, the priest nudged the man and apologised. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so judgmental. How long have you had arthritis?

I don’t have it, Father,” the man responded. “I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

14. The Budgie:

Geoffrey sees a budgie in the window of a pet store, and feeling a little sorry for the bird, he decides he’ll buy it.

However, he’s quickly disappointed when, despite his best efforts, he can’t get the budgie to talk.

So he decides to go back to the pet store to complain.

I purchased this budgie a month ago now, but I can’t get him to utter a single word,” said Geoffrey to the store assistant.

Try him with a mirror,” the store assistant suggested. “Budgies love to look at their reflection, and you’ll soon have him saying, “Who’s a pretty boy?

So Geoffrey purchased a mirror from the store assistant and returned home with his budgie.

Once again, he was disappointed, as the budgie still wouldn’t talk.

So once again, Geoffrey went to the pet store to complain.

Try him with a ladder”, said the store assistant. “Budgies love climbing, and I’m sure he won’t stop talking once he’s got a ladder.

So Geoffrey purchased a little ladder from the store assistant and returned home with his budgie.

Yet again, not a word was spoken by the budgie, so a week later, Geoffrey was back in the pet store again with the budgie.

Try getting him a bell,” said the store assistant. “The sound of a bell will encourage him to talk, I’m sure. At the very least, he’ll try to imitate the bell’s sound.

So Geoffrey bought the bell and returned home only to be disappointed yet again.

Two weeks later, Geoffrey’s back in the pet store.

How’s your budgie?” asked the store assistant. “Have you got it talking yet?

Finally, he did say something,” said Geoffrey. “He looked in the mirror, climbed the ladder, rang his bell, uttered a few words, and then dropped off his perch and died.

Oh dear!” said the store assistant. “What did he say?”

He said, doesn’t that damn pet store sell birdseed?” Geoffrey responded.

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15. Giving evidence:

A veteran police officer is giving evidence in court.

The defence attorney is cross-examining him during a felony trial.

Naturally, the lawyer is trying everything he can to undermine the police officer’s credibility.

So, officer,” said the attorney, “did you see my client fleeing the scene?

No, sir,” said the police officer. “But later, I saw a person matching the description of the accused running several blocks away.”

Is that so, officer?” said the attorney, looking towards the jury, “and who provided you with this description?

My colleague, who was the first responder to the scene,” said the officer.

So, you’re telling me that a fellow officer provided you with the description of this so-called offender,” said the attorney. “And do you trust your fellow officers?

Of course,” said the officer. “I would trust him with my life.”

The attorney looked at the jury, again, then turned back to the officer and said, slowly, “You would trust him with your life?

Yes, sir,” said the officer.

The defence attorney paused momentarily and then said, “Let me ask you this, then, officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your duties?

Yes, sir, we do,” the police officer responded.

And presumably you have a locker in that room?” the attorney continued.

Yes, sir, I do,” said the officer.

And do you lock away your possessions in that locker?” the attorney continued.

Yes, sir, I do,” the officer continued.

Now that’s interesting, said the attorney, once again looking towards the jury for dramatic effect.

So,” the attorney continued, “you say you’d trust your fellow officers with your life, and yet you feel the need to lock away your possessions in a room you share with those officers.”

Again, the attorney allowed a momentary pause for effect before saying, “Why is that officer?

The veteran police officer suppressed a smile before he said, “Well, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through our locker room.

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

Did these funny short story jokes make you laugh? Did they make you smile? If so, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day.

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15 awesome quotes that are truly inspirational

Looking for some awesome quotes, dear reader? Well, I have 15 good ones for you today. I’m confident that they’ll all make you think, and they are truly inspirational.

Allow me to stress that the points made about the references to men in the quotes apply equally to women.

So, ladies, if you are using such a quote, feel free to substitute the word ‘woman’ for ‘man.’ There’s nothing wrong with a little poetic licence (or poetic license, depending on your preferred spelling).

Anyway, take a few moments to enjoy them all and be inspired.

And please feel free to pass them on.

AWESOME QUOTES
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Awesome Quotes:

  1. Years teach us more than books. ~Berthold Auerbach
  2. A wise man learns by the mistakes of others; a fool by his own. ~Latin Proverb
  3. By associating with wise people you will become wise yourself. ~Menander
  4. The wise man does at once what the fool does finally. ~Niccolo Machiavelli
  5. Rules are for the obedience of fools and the guidance of wise men. ~Harry Day
  6. A wise man makes his own decisions, an ignorant man follows public opinion. ~Grantland Rice
  7. The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget. ~Thomas Szasz
  8. The first step in the acquisition of wisdom is silence; the second is listening, the third is memory, the fourth is practice, and the fifth is teaching others. ~Solomon Ibn Gabriol
  9. The wise man should be prepared for everything that does not lie within his control. ~Pythagoras
  10. People often forget what we say but they will always remember how we made them feel. ~Author Unknown
  11. The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the greatest intention. ~Oscar Wilde
  12. Wise sayings often fall on barren ground, but a kind word is never thrown away. ~Sir Arthur Helps
  13. You will regret many things in life, but you will never regret being too kind or too fair. ~Brian Tracy
  14. Never underestimate the power of showing your appreciation. A simple thank you can mean so much to people. Let people know that you appreciate what they’ve done for you. ~Roy Sutton
  15. Life is very interesting; in the end, some of your greatest pains, become your greatest strengths. ~Drew Barrymore

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51 Funny footballer quotes for soccer fans everywhere

51 Funny footballer quotes

How do you refer to it, football or soccer? The beautiful game is well known by both names worldwide. And wherever you go, players can say some silly things at times. So I thought it might be interesting to curate some funny footballer quotes, or, if you prefer, funny soccer quotes.

Whether you prefer to call it football or soccer, one thing is true: the players and people associated with the game can say some of the funniest things at times.

Over the years, players, managers, coaches, commentators, and pundits have all come up with some memorable quotes and one-liners, some intentional, others inadvertent. Either way, they’re always amusing.

So, here are 51 funny footballer quotes. Enjoy them all, and then please share them with others.

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Funny footballer quotes (1 – 25):

  1. I love these players with two feet. ~Michael Owen
  2. They were numerically outnumbered. ~Garry Birtles
  3. He’s got a lot of self-belief in himself. ~Graham Beecroft
  4. To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch. ~Ruud Gullit
  5. I’ve been consistent in patches this season. ~Theo Walcott
  6. Apparently, it’s my fault that the Titanic sank. ~Ian Holloway
  7. I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel. ~Stuart Pearce
  8. And with 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0. ~Ian Darke
  9. I’d like to play for an Italian club like Barcelona. ~Mark Draper
  10. Winning doesn’t really matter, as long as you win. ~Vinny Jones
  11. Reading won’t have the confidence to be confident. ~Paul Merson
  12. When you’re 4-0 up you should never lose 7-1. ~Lawrie McMenemy
  13. That would’ve been a goal had it gone inside the post. ~Michael Owen
  14. Some people cannot see a priest on a mountain of sugar. ~Rafa Benitez
  15. If there’s a bit of rain about it makes the surface wet. ~ Michael Owen
  16. Wilkins sends an inch-perfect pass to no one in particular. ~Byron Butler
  17. I couldn’t settle in Italy. It was like living in a foreign country. ~Ian Rush
  18. The Germans only have one player under 22, and he’s 23. ~Kevin Keegan
  19. If we played like this every week, we wouldn’t be so inconsistent. ~Bryan Robson
  20. Chile have three options. They could win, or they could lose. ~Kevin Keegan
  21. That is a fantastic penalty, but he will be gutted it went wide. ~Michael Owen
  22. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but I wasn’t on that particular job. ~Brian Clough
  23. If Rojo wasn’t left-footed, he’d have used his right for that one. ~Michael Owen
  24. Never go for a 50-50 ball unless you’re 80-20 sure of winning it. ~Ian Darke
  25. Oh, he had an eternity to play that ball, but he took too long about it. ~Martin Tyler
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Funny footballer quotes (26 – 51):

  1. Blackburn have got two strikers on and they’re both playing upfront. ~Michael Owen
  2. We didn’t underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought. ~Sir Bobby Robson
  3. For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip. ~John Motson
  4. Diego Maradona – a flawed genius who has now become a genius who is flawed. ~Bob Wilson
  5. They’re the second-best team in the world, and there’s no higher praise than that. ~Kevin Keegan
  6. We must have had 99 percent of the game. It was the other three percent that cost us the match. ~Ruud Gullit
  7. If God had wanted us to play football in the clouds, he’s have put grass up there. ~Brian Clough
  8. I know what’s around the corner. I just don’t know where the corner is. ~Kevin Keegan
  9. I’m out at the moment, but should you be the chairman of Barcelona, AC Milan, or Real Madrid, I’ll get straight back to you. The rest can wait. ~Joe Kinnear
  10. I wouldn’t say I was the best manager in the world. But I was in the top one. ~Brian Clough
  11. I never comment on referees, and I’m not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat. ~Ron Atkinson
  12. It’s definitely hit Defoe’s hand as it’s gone in, but it’s not a handball for me. ~Michael Owen
  13. What a shot! That’s completely unstoppable, but the keeper’s got to do better for me. ~Michael Owen
  14. I’ve had 14 bookings this season, eight of which were my fault, but seven of which were disputable. ~Paul Gascoigne
  15. If we start counting our chickens before they hatch, they won’t lay any eggs in the basket. ~Sir Bobby Robson
  16. I’d been ill and hardly trained for a week, and I’d been out of the team for three weeks before that. So I wasn’t sharp. I got cramp before half-time as well. But I’m not one to make excuses. ~Clinton Morrison
  17. Djimi Traore had to adapt to the English game, and he did that by going out on loan to Lens last season. ~ Ian Rush
  18. I spent a lot of money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered. ~George Best
  19. My parents have been there for me ever since I was about seven. ~David Beckham
  20. Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match. ~Ian Wright
  21. What will you do when you leave football, Jack? Will you stay in football? ~Stuart Hall
  22. I always used to put my right boot on first, and then, obviously, my right sock. ~Barry Venison
  23. I am a firm believer that if you score one goal, the other team have to score two to win. ~Howard Wilkinson
  24. If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again. ~Terry Venables
  25. I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don’t know into what religion yet. ~David Beckham
  26. We had a good team on paper. Unfortunately, the game was played on grass. ~Brian Clough
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15 sharp and sometimes witty quotes by Mark Twain

Today, I’m exploring quotes by Mark Twain.

Samuel Langhorne Clemens is better known to us all by his pen name, Mark Twain.

In my opinion, he was one of the greatest American writers, as well as a humorist, entrepreneur, publisher, and lecturer.

In short, he was a significant talent, and much of what he had to say is still worthy of our attention.

Here are 15 quotes by Mark Twain to support my point.

QUOTES BY MARK TWAIN
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Quotes by Mark Twain:

  1. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything. ~Mark Twain
  2. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. ~Mark Twain
  3. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. ~Mark Twain
  4. The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. ~Mark Twain
  5. A person who won’t read has no advantage over one who can’t read. ~Mark Twain
  6. The secret of getting ahead is getting started. ~Mark Twain
  7. Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. ~Mark Twain
  8. Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered – either by themselves or by others. ~Mark Twain
  9. Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. ~Mark Twain
  10. Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. ~Mark Twain
  11. Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. ~Mark Twain
  12. The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time. ~Mark Twain
  13. Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. ~Mark Twain
  14. The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. ~Mark Twain
  15. I never let schooling interfere with my education. ~Mark Twain

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31 stupid quotes that make no sense that’ll make you think

Now, do you like quotes, dear reader? I love them. Today, I thought it would be fun to take a look at some stupid quotes that make no sense.

There are times when people say some silly things; I’m sure you’ll agree. I’ve been known to say some silly things myself. However, though they may be silly, such things can be amusing too.

So here are 31 stupid quotes that make no sense but are more thought-provoking than they first appear to be. And some of them are definitely amusing.

So enjoy them all, and feel free to pass them on.

STUPID QUOTES THAT MAKE NO SENSE
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Stupid quotes that make no sense (1-15):

  1. He’s about as sharp as a marble.
  2. Less is more. Surely that’s obvious?
  3. Not taking risks is life’s biggest gamble.
  4. We can’t keep calm. We’re all mad here.
  5. It’s always darkest before it’s pitch black.
  6. I’m pretty sure I’ve seized the wrong day.
  7. Only our parents’ children are always right.
  8. Life gives the test first and then the lesson.
  9. Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can’t see
  10. Whether a man marries or not, he will regret it.
  11. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  12. War doesn’t decide who’s right, only who’s left.
  13. I must be a squirrel because I attract all the nuts.
  14. When life gives you melons, you could be dyslexic.
  15. I’m on the whisky diet. I’ve lost three days already.

Stupid quotes that make no sense (16-31):

  1. Ignorance is temporary, but stupid is permanent.
  2. I adore spontaneity, as long as it’s carefully planned.
  3. A virgin birth, I can believe, but three wise men? Really?
  4. I’m not superstitious, but I can be a bit stitious at times.
  5. I tried being normal. It was the worst two minutes of my life.
  6. You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.
  7. People tell me I might be schizophrenic, but I’m in two minds.
  8. I was going to take on the world today, but I overslept again.
  9. YARD SALE: Take a look around. Our crap could be your crap.
  10. Dress for the body you have, not the body you wish you had.
  11. Marriage means being committed. Then again, so does insanity.
  12. If you don’t want to be mistaken for a doormat, get off the floor.
  13. There would be many people alive today if there was a death penalty.
  14. Marriage is a great institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
  15. My husband tells me that if I ever decide to leave, he’s coming with me.
  16. My mind is like someone emptied the kitchen junk drawer onto a trampoline.
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11 top tips for improving quality of life now

Searching for some tips for improving your quality of life, dear reader?

Life’s never been easy, but it seems to get tougher with each passing year, doesn’t it?

We’re all constantly juggling the conflicting demands of work and family, trying to squeeze in a little ‘me time’ whenever possible.

It’s that elusive thing known as work-life balance. Most of us aspire to it, but few manage to achieve it.

How would you describe the quality of your life right now?

This is a question we all ask ourselves from time to time.

A reader recently asked me if I could offer some tips for improving the quality of life. It’s a subject close to my heart, so I am only too happy to oblige.

So here are 11 memorable tips which I hope will help you improve the quality of your life:

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Top tips for improving quality of life:

1. Keep it simple

There really is a lot to be said for simplicity. Complexity can be stressful. So keep everything in life as simple as possible. Ditch the clutter, buy only what you really need and can actually use, and learn to appreciate what you have rather than fretting about things you think you’d like to have but don’t right now.

Nothing matters much, and actually, very few things really matter at all.

If you’re lucky enough to have family and a handful of genuine friends, plus food on your table and a roof over your head, then what more do you need?

Keeping life simple will reduce your stress levels, and that’s important.

2. Treat people with respect

I believe that only people matter.

Yes, having a nice house and a decent car is excellent, but as human beings, we’re social animals.

People are not solitary animals like cats. We live in groups, and we need other people in our lives. And the key to having friends is being a friend and treating other people with respect.

Treat everyone as you’d prefer them to treat you.

Not everyone will appreciate that approach, of course, but the ones that matter most will, and surely that’s what counts.

Treat people with respect, and generally, other people will treat you with respect. And if we could all treat each other with respect, then the world would be a better place, I’m sure.

3. Actions speak louder than words

We’re judged by what we do, not by what we say.

Anyone can talk a good game, but not everyone can deliver real results and do so effectively.

If you want to impress people, then it is only your actions that will count. If you excel at what you do, then you will be well on your way to achieving success.

4. Ask questions

Intelligent people ask questions.

Never be afraid to ask a question or to request clarification about something.

If something doesn’t sound quite right, then don’t be afraid to challenge it.

Ask questions and you’ll learn; fail to ask questions, and a life of ignorance lies ahead of you. And only a fool would proceed in ignorance.

5. Look forward; never back

The past has gone, and it is important only insofar as the lessons it has taught us and the memories it has given us.

The future’s where we’ll spend the rest of our lives. Therefore, we should always be living in the present and looking to the future. And above all our focus should be on forging the future we really want.

Live your life by looking through the windshield, not the rearview mirror.

Remember, the future has yet to be written, but you’ve got the pen.

6. Create your own future:

We can’t change the past, but we can influence our future.

We can have a vision of what we want to achieve and how we’d like our lives to be. We don’t have to accept what is given to us. We can go out and get the things we really want.

It takes hard work, of course, as well as determination and discipline, but it can be done, and lots of people do. So why not you?

Create the future you really want, and don’t just settle for anything that comes along.

7. Don’t be afraid to change direction if necessary

There will be times in your life when you head off in a particular direction only to find that it doesn’t turn out to be quite what you imagined it would be.

There’s nothing wrong with that, as no one gets it right every time.

From time to time, you’ll make mistakes, or perhaps you’ll misjudge a situation. However, once you realize something is not quite right for you, then don’t be afraid to change direction, if necessary.

Just take it on the chin, change direction, and move on.

Don’t worry about what others might think. They’ll think whatever it is they think, but who cares? It’s your life, not theirs.

It’s only what you think that really matters.

If you’re not happy with a situation, then it’s better to take action than to live a life that’s a miserable existence because you’re worried about what other people might think.

8. Face your fear and just do it

From time to time, we all face challenges in our lives.

They can often seem daunting and more than a little scary.

However, if our lives were easy, we’d never grow as people.

By facing up to a challenge, we learn and grow. That’s how we build our character. That’s how we toughen up.

Yes, we’ll make mistakes, but it’s always better to have a go and fail than not have a go at all.

Face a challenge and achieve a result, and you’ve done something of which you can be truly very proud.

Face a challenge and get an outcome you didn’t want, and at least you’ve learned a valuable lesson. That’s how you build experience. And if nothing else, you can be proud that at least you had a go.

Fear is the body’s natural way of warning us to proceed with caution. It’s natural to feel fear, but courage is our ability to act despite feeling that fear.

Have courage and face every challenge as it comes. However hard it might appear at first, you’ll be glad you did.

9. Look after your own well being

You can’t enjoy life to the full if you have health problems, can you?

So take care of yourself and look after your health. Eat sensibly, drink in moderation, get plenty of exercise and avoid things like tobacco and other recreational stimulants.

You might think it doesn’t matter, but it does.

One puff on a cigarette won’t kill you, but the effect of regular smoking will have a cumulative, detrimental effect on your health.

You might think ‘you can handle drugs,’ but that’s the wisdom of a fool.

Regular use of recreational drugs will affect you over time. And it is only a matter of time, trust me.

If you don’t look after yourself, then no one else will.

10. Learn to manage your time effectively

Time is our most precious resource.

And we all have exactly the same amount of time, 168 hours each week. It’s how we choose to use that time that matters most.

Just because someone wants a piece of your time, it doesn’t follow that you should just give it to them. Allocate your time very, very carefully.

If something doesn’t need to be done, don’t do it. If someone else can do it, let them do it. If it can wait, let it wait. And if it absolutely must be done now, then get on with it.

It is all about your priorities and those actions where you and only you can add the most value. Identify those things that will allow you to be most effective, and they will form the basis of your priorities.

11. Have fun; life’s too short

We all need to ensure that we take time out for ourselves occasionally.

We all need a little ‘me’ time; time to recharge our batteries and relax.

Work is important, of course, as it gives you a sense of purpose in your life. However, it’s essential that you relax and have a little fun too.

Life’s far too short to be constantly working.

So, having a hobby or pleasurable pursuit is a very good idea, as is spending some quality time with the people who matter most to you. Have some fun and make sure that you have it regularly. Your health depends on it.

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10 inspirational quotes about fitness to encourage you

Today, let us explore some quotes about fitness.

Inspirational Quotes About Fitness:

When we’re working hard and facing numerous demands on our time, it’s easy to lose sight of our health and fitness.

So, consider this question: Why do we work at all?

Yes, we certainly need a sense of purpose. It’s also true that we need an income. We can’t go far without money, can we?

However, for me, the primary reason we work is to provide for our loved ones. To ensure that they enjoy a decent standard of living.

Putting the needs of our loved ones first is important, wouldn’t you agree?

However, there is a supplementary question here: What are those needs?

Well, above all else, our loved ones need us.

And they’d forgo many pleasures, in my experience, if it meant our presence would be guaranteed in their lives.

Therefore, our health and fitness are important to our loved ones. They need us to stay healthy and fit. So, we have a responsibility to take our fitness seriously, surely?

QUOTES ABOUT FITNESS
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Stay healthy; stay fit:

To stay healthy, we must stay fit.

Maintaining our health involves exercising regularly. And regularly means a minimum of three times a week.

We must factor regular exercise into our weekly priorities. And that means exercising the whole body and getting the heart pumping.

It isn’t easy, of course, but it is worth it.

It will make us feel better, and we’ll look better too. There’s a lot to be said for staying in shape.

For instance, we’ll be more attractive to our partners. And we all like to think that we’re attractive to other people, surely?

Life is so much better if we’re fit.

So if you’re not fit right now, it’s time to make some changes in your life. If you can’t do it for yourself, then do it for your loved ones.

Here are ten inspirational quotes about fitness to encourage you and reinforce today’s message.

Quotes about fitness:

  1. A feeble body weakens the mind. ~Jean-Jacques Rousseau
  2. To enjoy the glow of good health, you must exercise. ~Gene Tunney
  3. Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. ~Joseph Addison
  4. Take care of your body. It’s the only place you have to live. ~Jim Rohn
  5. The reason I exercise is for the quality of life I enjoy. ~Kenneth H. Cooper
  6. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me; I’m afraid of widths. ~Steven Wright
  7. The only way for a rich man to be healthy is by exercise and abstinence, to live as if he were poor. ~William Temple
  8. True enjoyment comes from activity of the mind and exercise of the body; the two are ever united. ~Wilhelm von Humboldt
  9. Physical fitness is not only one of the most important keys to a healthy body; it is the basis of dynamic and creative intellectual activity. ~John F. Kennedy
  10. If I don’t feel confident about my body, I’m not going to sit at home and feel sorry for myself and not do something about it. It’s all about taking action and not being lazy. So, you do the work, whether it’s fitness or whatever. It’s about getting up, motivating yourself, and just doing it. ~Kim Kardashian
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