Witty One-liners

21 funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile

10/01/2023 by

FUNNY ONE-LINERS GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SMILEHere is another batch of funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile.

Once again I’ve been searching for the best smiles I can find just to brighten your day dear reader. I’ve done the hard work, so you don’t have to.

So sit back, relax and I hope you enjoy these funny one-liners just as much as I did.

And don’t forget your friends.

If you enjoy these smiles then your friends probably will too.

So pass them on, but not before you’ve enjoyed them yourself.

Funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile (1-10):

  1. If you need an ark, I Noah guy.
  2. The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
  3. Never give up on your dreams. Stay in bed and sleep on.
  4. I wouldn’t say that my ceiling is the best, but it’s up there.
  5. You must agree, the shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
  6. Never tell your secrets in a cornfield. There are too many ears.
  7. Why do bees hum? Because they can never remember the words.
  8. Why are ghosts always bad liars? Because you can see right through them.
  9. What would you call someone with just a nose and no body? Nobody knows.
  10. My dog used to chase people on a bike. It got so bad, I had to take his bike away.

Funny one-liners guaranteed to make you smile (11-21):

  1. There’s a store on Main Street where you can get dead batteries free of charge.
  2. I used to work as an origami teacher, but I hated it. There was too much paperwork.
  3. I told my suitcase there will be no vacation this year. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.
  4. I was amused to read the epitaph on the late dentist’s gravestone. It read “He’s now filling his last cavity.”
  5. Why is everything delivered by ship called a cargo and yet if it’s delivered by a van, it’s called a shipment?
  6. Our local farmer has started feeding his cows with bird seed. That would explain why the milk is going cheep.
  7. My sister bet me $1,000,000 that I couldn’t make a car using spaghetti. Her face was a picture when I drove pasta.
  8. A man delivers a load of bubble wrap. “Where do you want this, he asks?” “Oh, just pop it in the corner” was the reply.
  9. Change your password to incorrect and then if you can’t quite remember it, your computer will say your password is incorrect.
  10. They’ve just opened a new restaurant Downtown. It’s called Karma and they don’t have a menu. You just get what you deserve.
  11. A police recruit was asked during his exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He answered, “Call for backup.”

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FUNNY ONE-LINERS GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SMILESo did these funny one-liners prove to be as funny as you’d hoped dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read here then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

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60 witty one-liners and quotes to make you smile

09/25/2023 by

60 QUOTES TO MAKE YOU SMILEToday I offer you some witty one-liners and quotes to make you smile, dear reader.

If you’re having a tough time, the best medicine to improve how you feel is a little laughter and a few quotes that will resonate with you.

In the blog post that follows, there is a treasure trove of sparkling wit and wisdom. Handpicked, these quotes are not just words – they’re little rays of sunshine wrapped in syllables.

So, dive into this delightful reservoir and let the words tickle your funny bone and lighten your heart!”

And please, feel free to pass them on to your friends.

Quotes to make you smile (1-10):

  1. I’m not odd; I’m a limited edition.
  2. I would lose weight, but I hate losing.
  3. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
  4. If I were a bird, I know who I’d poop on.
  5. I’m not lazy. I’m in energy-saving mode.
  6. I wish more people were fluent in silence.
  7. Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
  8. If stress burned calories, I’d be a supermodel.
  9. My house was clean last week. Sorry, you missed it.
  10. On the upside, bad decisions do make good stories.

Quotes to make you smile (11-20):

  1. Never trust stairs; they’re always up to something.
  2. Being an adult is mostly just Googling how to do stuff.
  3. I followed my heart, and it led me straight to the fridge.
  4. I don’t have a bucket list, but my to-do list is a mile long.
  5. Yes, I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!
  6. Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you.
  7. Having plants in the house is a great way to pretend you have your life together.
  8. You know you’re a grown-up when you get excited about a new sponge for the kitchen.
  9. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of your regular debt payments.
  10. My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I started. So far, I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms, four bags of Maltesers and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

Quotes to make you smile (21-30):

  1. If being an adult is soup, then I’m a fork.
  2. I’m not late; I’m just operating in a different time zone.
  3. If you’re hotter than me, then I guess I’m cooler than you.
  4. I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is 14 days.
  5. The only exercise some people get is jumping to conclusions.
  6. Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
  7. You never truly understand something until you try to explain it to a toddler.
  8. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
  9. Laughter is like a windshield wiper; it doesn’t stop the rain but lets you keep going.
  10. My bed and I have a special relationship; we’re perfect for each other. But my alarm clock just doesn’t seem to understand.

Quotes to make you smile (31-40):

  1. I didn’t trip, I was doing a random gravity check.
  2. When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
  3. If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead yet?”
  4. If Cinderella’s shoe was a perfect fit, why did it fall off?
  5. Chocolate is the answer. Who cares what the question is?
  6. I’m writing a book on procrastination. I’ll start tomorrow.
  7. The fridge is a perfect example of what matters is on the inside.
  8. Life update: Currently holding it all together with a single bobby pin.
  9. My bank balance is a constant reminder that I’m safe from identity theft.
  10. To err is human. To blame it on someone else shows management potential.

Quotes to make you smile (41-50):

  1. Exercise? I’m sorry, I thought you said, ‘extra fries’.
  2. I tried to be agreeable once. Worst two minutes of my life.
  3. My favourite childhood memory is not having to pay bills.
  4. I don’t need an inspirational quote in the morning. I need coffee.
  5. If you see me talking to myself, just know I’m having a staff meeting.
  6. Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.
  7. My greatest wish in life is that someone would want me like I want chocolate cake.
  8. Diet Day 1: I have removed all the unhealthy food from the house. It was delicious.
  9. You’re never too old to throw random stuff in people’s shopping carts when they aren’t looking.
  10. Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy wine and chocolate, which is pretty much the same thing.

Quotes to make you smile (51-60):

  1. I’m currently unsupervised. I know, it freaks me out too.
  2. Yes, I have a six-pack. It’s just protected by a layer of fat.
  3. Behind every working mother is a substantial amount of coffee.
  4. You know you’re old when your candles cost more than your cake.
  5. I think I need glasses because I keep seeing people with two faces.
  6. Common sense is so rare these days, that it should be considered a superpower.
  7. If we’re not supposed to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
  8. Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realizing the other person is a complete idiot.
  9. I never run. So, if you see me running, you should run too because something very scary will be chasing me.
  10. When you realise that stressed is just desserts spelt backwards, you’ll understand the importance of comfort food.

Please share this post with your friends:

60 QUOTES TO MAKE YOU SMILEIf you enjoyed these witty one-liners and quotes to make you smile, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So, go on, please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

Articles you might enjoy:

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Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2023. All Rights Reserved.

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35 funny quotes about life guaranteed to make you smile

08/31/2023 by

FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT LIFEToday I’m in a philosophical mood, so I thought I’d explore some funny quotes about life. Every quote on the list I’ve curated made me smile, so I hope at least a few of them make you smile too, dear reader.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to share them with your friends.

Funny quotes about life (1-10):

  1. A wise man once said nothing.
  2. Life’s short. Smile while you still have teeth.
  3. I’m not lazy. I’m just in energy-saving mode.
  4. Life’s hard but it’s even harder if you’re stupid.
  5. You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
  6. Life can be summed up in three words. It goes on.
  7. If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
  8. Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out alive.
  9. Life is like ice cream. You must enjoy it before it melts.
  10. I’d like to live like a poor man, only with lots of money.

Funny quotes about life (11-20):

  1. Life can be a handful. That’s why you’ve got two hands.
  2. You can tell how smart people are by what they laugh at.
  3. Housework probably won’t kill you, but why take the risk?
  4. Behind every great man, there’s a woman rolling her eyes.
  5. Life was easier when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits.
  6. Stressed spelt backwards is desserts. Coincidence? I think not.
  7. Cinderella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life.
  8. Always borrow money from pessimists. They don’t expect it back.
  9. Life’s not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
  10. I know what’s around the corner. I just don’t know where the corner is.

Funny quotes about life (21-35):

  1. The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.
  2. If you think you’re too small to be effective, try sleeping with a mosquito.
  3. Revenge sounds so mean. Better just to think of it as returning the favour.
  4. You may call them swear words but to me, they’re just sentence enhancers.
  5. There are three things a woman needs in life. Food, water, and compliments.
  6. They say you attract what you fear. Well, $10 million scares the life out of me.
  7. Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.
  8. I made a giant ‘To Do List’ for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it all.
  9. You need three bones to succeed in life. A backbone, a wishbone, and a funny bone.
  10. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never seem to use it.
  11. You never know how much you’ve got in life until you decide to de-clutter your house.
  12. When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed.
  13. Dear life, when I said, “Can this day get any worse?” it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
  14. Never trust people who smile constantly. Either they’re selling something or they’re not very bright.
  15. During the day I don’t believe in ghosts. When I hear a strange noise in the middle of the night, I’m more open-minded.

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FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT LIFEIf you enjoyed these funny quotes about life, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

Articles you might enjoy:

You might like to try these free games too:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2023. All Rights Reserved.

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Wedded Wit: 50 Funny Jokes About Marriage

08/29/2023 by

jokes about marriageLooking for some jokes about marriage, dear reader?

Let’s face it, marriage is a goldmine for creators of humorous content.

Marriage: It’s a bit like signing up for a comedy show that lasts a lifetime, surely? One day you’re exchanging sweet nothings, and the next, you’re arguing over how a towel should be folded.

I mean, seriously! If someone had told me years ago that “happily ever after” involved a debate on the proper way to squeeze a toothpaste tube, I’d have suggested they were crazy.

But here we are, exploring the grand theatre of matrimonial reality as it is today.

So, whether you’re hitched now, about to be, or cleverly avoiding it, these jokes on offer in this post might just tickle you.

Without further ado, let’s dive into the hilarious world of marriage – it’s cheaper than therapy and much more fun! Here are 50 short, witty jokes about marriage.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to share them.

Jokes about marriage (1-10):

  1. Marriage isn’t a word, it’s a sentence.
  2. I don’t need Google. My wife knows everything.
  3. Marriage: where dating ends and guessing begins.
  4. Marriage is grand. And divorce? Probably 100 grand.
  5. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  6. My husband dresses to kill. He cooks the same way too.
  7. The secret to a happy marriage? That remains a mystery.
  8. Behind every successful man is a woman rolling her eyes.
  9. A good husband always forgives his wife when he’s wrong.
  10. Married life is full of excitement and frustration. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks, and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks, and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak, and the neighbours listen.

Jokes about marriage (11-20):

  1. Marriage means commitment. Then again, so does insanity.
  2. My wife and I were blissfully happy for 20 years. Then we met.
  3. Before marriage, we expect a lot. After marriage, we accept a lot.
  4. Married men don’t live longer than single men. It just feels longer.
  5. I told my wife that I needed more space. So, she locked me outside.
  6. Marriage lets you annoy that one special person for the rest of your life.
  7. If you want your wife to listen to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
  8. I married Miss Right. What I didn’t realise was her first name was Always.
  9. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.
  10. WIFE: “Dear, do you think I’ve put on too much makeup?” HUSBAND: “Well, it depends. Are you trying to scare the kids or join a group of clowns?”

Jokes about marriage (21-30):

  1. Marriage tip: Don’t laugh at your spouse’s choices because you’re one of them.
  2. What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 50 pounds.
  3. When a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s always a reason.
  4. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
  5. How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get your laundry done for free.
  6. When you’re married, you don’t need a calendar. Your wife reminds you about everything.
  7. What’s a husband’s idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
  8. If at first, you don’t succeed then you’d be wise to try doing it the way your wife told you.
  9. What’s the difference between a husband and a pet? After a year, the pet is still excited to see you.
  10. WIFE: “I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate.” HUSBAND: “Why not just throw it in the trash?” WIFE: “But there are poor starving people who could really use all these clothes.” HUSBAND: “Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.”

Jokes about marriage (31-40):

  1. The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his wallet open.
  2. A wife is someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.
  3. The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest that he’s probably too old to do it.
  4. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he’s just cleaned the whole house.
  5. Ladies, if you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead and get married.
  6. My wife and I decided that we didn’t really want kids. However, the kids have taken it harder than we expected.
  7. Married life is all about compromise. My wife wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So, we compromised and got a cat.
  8. When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s annoyed.
  9. Husbands are the best people to share a secret with. They’ll never tell anyone because they aren’t listening to you.
  10. If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married, you can’t even change the TV channel.

Jokes about marriage (41-50):

  1. Marriage is a war where you sleep with the enemy.
  2. Marriage is a wonderful invention but then so is a corkscrew.
  3. The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
  4. WIFE: “Why do you keep reading our marriage certificate?” HUSBAND: “I was wondering whether there are any loopholes.”
  5. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
  6. My wife and I have the secret to a happy marriage. Two times a week, we go out to a nice restaurant. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays.
  7. Marriage is like a deck of cards. At the start, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade.
  8. I asked my wife what she wanted for our anniversary. She told me “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.” So, I bought her nothing.
  9. WIFE: “Our new neighbour always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?” HUSBAND: “How can I? I don’t even know her that well.”
  10. HUSBAND: “Honey, I have a problem.” WIFE: “Darling, don’t say you have a problem. We’re married now, so it’s our problem.” HUSBAND: “Right then, our secretary is pregnant.”

Please share this post with your friends:

jokes about marriageIf you enjoyed these short, witty jokes about marriage, dear reader, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share it now. If you can do that for me I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day. Thank you.

If you fancy some more laughs then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty more to make you smile.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

Articles you might enjoy:

You might like to try these free games too:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2023. All Rights Reserved.

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25 clever one-liners that’ll make you smile

08/28/2023 by

clever one-linersIf you’re anything like me dear reader then you’ll love clever one-liners. I’m constantly collecting them in my journal.

Today I thought I’d share with you some of the best ones I’ve come across recently.

I found them all hilarious and I’m confident that you will enjoy them too.

Please share them with your friends, but not until you’ve had the chance to have a laugh.

Clever one-liners:

  1. I’d like to start with the chimney jokes. I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house. ~Tim Vine
  2. Exit signs? They’re on the way out! ~Tim Vine
  3. I hate sitting in traffic because I always get run over. ~Milton Jones
  4. Conjunctivitis.com: That’s a site for sore eyes. ~Tim Vine
  5. Hedgehogs: Why can’t they just share the hedge? ~Dan Antolpolski
  6. My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round. ~Sarah Millican
  7. The toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door. ~Bill Bailey
  8. I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~Ken Dodd
  9. I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. ~Tom Ward
  10. My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off. ~Milton Jones
  11. My next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter. ~Tim Vine
  12. The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast. ~Demetri Martin
  13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any. ~Tommy Cooper
  14. I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper. Dicing with death. ~Tim Vine
  15. It’s hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not. ~Milton Jones
  16. A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. ~Peter Kay
  17. The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job; especially if you’ve got hayfever. ~Milton Jones
  18. Helvetica and Times New Roman walked into a bar. “We don’t serve your type!” said the barman. ~Author Unknown
  19. Do you know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee. ~Milton Jones
  20. I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. ~Nick Helm
  21. This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’ ~Tim Vine
  22. Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, aah.’ The other replied: ‘Put some cold in then.’ – Harry Hill
  23. I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess. ~Matt Kirshen
  24. Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?” ~Author Unknown
  25. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’ ~Tim Vine

Please share this post with your friends:

If you enjoyed this post dear reader then please share it with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Articles you might enjoy:

You might like to try these free games too:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2023. All Rights Reserved.

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30 brilliant one-liner quotes that’ll make you smile

08/26/2023 by

brilliant one-liner quotesI shared some brilliant one-liner quotes recently and the feedback from readers was very positive.

In fact, the feedback was so positive that I thought I’d share some more with you.

So here’s another batch from the collection in my journal.

I’m confident that this batch of brilliant one-liner quotes will have you smiling. So please take a few minutes to enjoy them all. And of course, have a great day.

And don’t forget to pass them on.

Brilliant one-liner quotes (1-10):

  1. 668 – The neighbour of the beast.
  2. If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
  3. The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
  4. Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes.
  5. Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
  6. 50% of all doctors graduated in the bottom half of their class.
  7. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
  8. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
  9. A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
  10. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which we’ll die.

Brilliant one-liner quotes (11-20):

  1. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  2. Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
  3. Her silence doesn’t mean your sexual performance left her speechless.
  4. Money’s not important but it’s up there with oxygen for sustaining life.
  5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
  6. It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
  7. Sometimes the best helping hand you can give someone is a good, firm push.
  8. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
  9. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
  10. Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

Brilliant one-liner quotes (21-30):

  1. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
  2. To err is human; to blame it on somebody else shows you have a talent for politics.
  3. Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
  4. A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.
  5. Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are even stupider than that.
  6. There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
  7. How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  8. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  9. A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
  10. The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

Please share this post with your friends:

brilliant one-liner quotesIf you enjoyed this post dear reader then please share it with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So please share it now. If you can do that for me I’d be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

If you fancy some laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

Articles you might enjoy:

You might like to try these free games too:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2023. All Rights Reserved.

Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

33 very clever one liners guaranteed to make you smile

08/25/2023 by

33 very clever one-linersI’m always impressed with very clever one-liners. I can’t resist those short, sharp witty remarks that always make me smile. So naturally, I collect them, noting them down in my journal every day.

Today I thought I share some very clever one-liners I’ve heard recently. They’re all quite brilliant in my opinion.

So take a couple of minutes to enjoy them all.

Very clever one-liners (1-11):

  1. How does NASA organise a party? They planet.
  2. I used to be addicted to soap but I’m clean now.
  3. I went on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. Never again.
  4. Just received a card full of rice. It’s from Uncle Ben.
  5. Exaggerations went up by one million per cent last year.
  6. I’ve decided to sell my Hoover. It was just collecting dust.
  7. I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
  8. What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats.
  9. I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh. No pun in 10 did.
  10. Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
  11. What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.

Very clever one-liners (12-22):

  1. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said “40”.
  2. Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg?’ Because every play has a cast.
  3. My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?” I said: “No it doesn’t!”
  4. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
  5. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed a little space.
  6. I’ve found a job helping a one-armed typist do capital letters. It’s shift work.
  7. Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.
  8. As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
  9. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.
  10. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
  11. Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.

Very clever one-liners (23-33):

  1. What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
  2. I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going there.
  3. I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.
  4. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
  5. I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said “Thanks!” I said, “Don’t mention it.”
  6. Hear about the new restaurant called ‘Karma’? There’s no menu, you only get what you deserve.
  7. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
  8. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
  9. I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. So I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
  10. A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” To which the doctor replied, “Sorry, I’m not following you.”
  11. What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? “Thanks! I’ll never part with it!”

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33 very clever one-linersIf you enjoyed these very clever one-liners, dear reader, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share it now. If you can do that for me I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day. Thank you.

If you fancy some more laughs then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty more to make you smile.

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30 silliest jokes ever that’ll tickle your funny bone

08/24/2023 by

SILLIEST JOKES EVERIf you like short, witty one-line jokes, dear reader, then today I offer you some of the silliest jokes ever.

Yes, they’re corny, I admit that, but I’m confident they’ll tickle your funny bone. Children will enjoy them too.

So, take a few moments to relax and smile, and please feel free to share them all.

Silliest jokes ever (1-15):

  1. What type of trees do plumbers plant? Toiletries.
  2. How do horses propose? They go down on bended neigh.
  3. Who do you call if a parrot falls off his perch? Parrot-medics.
  4. Why did the monkey logon online? To send a chimpanzee-mail.
  5. What happens to ducks before they grow up? They grow down.
  6. Is it legal to marry a widow’s husband? No, because he’s dead.
  7. What would a monster choose to eat in a restaurant? The waiter.
  8. Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they’ve got two left feet.
  9. Why do bears have fur coats? Because they’d look silly in anoraks.
  10. What’s the definition of an arms race? An octopus running for a bus.
  11. Why are barbers, such good drivers? Because they know all the shortcuts.
  12. What’s a man’s idea of a romantic night out? A candlelit football stadium.
  13. Why does a flamingo lift one leg? Because if it lifted both it would fall over.
  14. Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens? She wanted to post a litter.
  15. What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how it all works.

Silliest jokes ever (16-30):

  1. How do you fix a short circuit? Lengthen it.
  2. How do you make a moth ball? Flick its nose.
  3. Why did the gold prospector quit his job? Things just didn’t pan out.
  4. Why did the mathematician turn off his heating? So he could be cold and calculating.
  5. Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
  6. How does a man show he’s planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
  7. Why did the farmer make his little chicks wear ear muffs? So they wouldn’t hear any fowl language.
  8. A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?” The bartender responded, “For you, no charge!”
  9. What did the vampire say just before dawn, when he saw the neck of a sleeping man? “Aaahh, breakfast in bed!”
  10. What did Hamlet say when he went camping and lost his tent? “Tepee or not tepee? That is the question.”
  11. Two fleas are leaving a restaurant and one says to the other, “Should we walk or take a dog?”
  12. Did you hear about the dog that liked to eat garlic? His bark was worse than his bite.
  13. Two large, hungry lions were wandering around Walmart and one said to the other, “It’s quiet in here, isn’t it?”
  14. What’s the difference between a New York Yankees fan and a dentist? One roots for the yanks, and the other yanks for the roots.
  15. A man walks into a bar carrying three wooden panels and four wooden posts. “You can’t bring those in here,” said the bartender. “They may cause a fence.”

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Silliest jokes everSo, would you agree that these are some of the silliest jokes ever, dear reader? Did you enjoy them, and more importantly, did they make you laugh? I hope so.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on some of the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read here then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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35 short but brilliant one-liner quotes you’ll love

08/19/2023 by

35 BRILLIANT ONE LINER QUOTESI love brilliant one-liner quotes. In fact, whenever I come across some good ones I always make a note of them in my journal. Naturally, I review what I’ve collected occasionally and I thought today I’d share my most recent collection with you, dear reader.

So here are some short but brilliant one-liner quotes that I’m confident you’ll love.

Enjoy them all.

Brilliant one-liner quotes (1-20):

  1. When in doubt, mumble.
  2. Only dead fish go with the flow.
  3. No one’s listening until you fart.
  4. Is it bad luck to be superstitious?
  5. I want to live forever. So far, so good.
  6. Constipated people don’t give a crap.
  7. I’m in shape. Round is a shape, isn’t it?
  8. Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
  9. There are no real winners in life, only survivors.
  10. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
  11. Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
  12. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  13. If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving’s not for you!
  14. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is it homeless or naked?
  15. For every action, there’s a corresponding over-reaction.
  16. You should laugh at your problems, everyone else does.
  17. Research confirms that 4 out of 3 people struggle with math.
  18. I don’t have a solution, but I can offer a critical comment.
  19. Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
  20. Life is like a bird. It’s pretty cute until it craps on your head.

Brilliant one-liner quotes (21-35):

  1. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
  2. It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
  3. People make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
  4. The best way to lie is to tell a carefully edited version of the truth.
  5. I know God’s watching me, so the least I can be is entertaining.
  6. People who smile in a crisis have found someone else to blame.
  7. God must really love stupid people. He’s made so many of them.
  8. Laugh and the world laugh with you. Snore and you sleep alone.
  9. We’re all part of the ultimate statistic – 10 out of 10 people will die.
  10. We live in a society where pizza gets to our house before the police.
  11. Progress is made by lazy people looking for easier ways to do things.
  12. The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
  13. The hardest thing about success is finding someone who’s pleased for you
  14. The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
  15. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

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If you enjoyed this post dear reader then please share it with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share it now. If you can do that for me I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

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33 funny jokes for 5-year-olds that’ll tickle adults too

08/18/2023 by

Jokes-for-5-year-oldsIf you’re looking for funny jokes for 5-year-olds then I’ve curated 33 of them and I think they might just tickle you too, dear reader. I hope so, anyway.

Take a few moments to enjoy them all, or at least groan at a few, and then share them with the 5-year-olds in your life, and anyone else you think they’ll amuse as well.

Jokes for 5-year-olds (1-11):

  1. What pie can fly? – A magpie.
  2. What’s a vampire’s favourite fruit? – Nectarine.
  3. How do you start a milk pudding race? – Say go.
  4. What do you call a surgeon with eight arms? – A doctorpus
  5. What do you call a bike that bites people? – A vicious cycle.
  6. Which sea creature is good at math? – An octoplus.
  7. What do you call a Scottish parrot? – A Macaw.
  8. What do you call a pickle that draws? – A dillustrator.
  9. Who was the pizza’s favourite relative? – Aunt Chovy.
  10. Where would seaweed look for a job? – The kelp-wanted ads.
  11. What grace is said before a salad is eaten? – Lettuce pray.

Jokes for 5-year-olds (12-22):

  1. Why do lions eat raw meat? – They don’t know how to cook it.
  2. What food can be eaten in a taxi? – Corn-on-the-cab.
  3. Where would you see hamburgers boxing? – In an onion ring.
  4. What did the dinner plate say to the side plate? – Lunch is on me.
  5. What lies on the forest floor, 100 feet in the air? – A dead centipede.
  6. Which vegetable is most unreliable? – A fickle onion.
  7. What goes up but doesn’t come down? – Your age.
  8. What kind of nut will you find on a wall? – A walnut.
  9. So, how long were you there? – About five foot eleven.
  10. Why do the French eat snails? – They don’t like fast food.
  11. In what way are cooks cruel to animals? – They batter fish.

Jokes for 5-year-olds (23-33):

  1. Why did the sandwich go to the dentist? – It needed a filling.
  2. How long should you cook spaghetti? – About 30 centimetres.
  3. What is served in glasses but is hard to swallow? – A stiff drink.
  4. Why did the pickle stay home from school? – Because he felt dill.
  5. What did one snowman say to the other? – Can you smell carrots?
  6. What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses? – A coconut on holiday.
  7. Why did the orange go to the doctor? – He wasn’t peeling very well.
  8. How did the Irish potato change nationality? – It became a French fry.
  9. Why did the banana go out with the prune? – Because he couldn’t find a date.
  10. What did one strawberry say to another? – I told you we’d end up in this jam.
  11. Which is the best, a hamburger or a hot dog? – A hamburger because hot dogs are wurst.

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Thank youIf you enjoyed these jokes for 5-year-olds, dear reader, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share it now.

If you can do that for me I’ll be ever so grateful and you’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day. Thank you.

If you fancy some more laughs then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty more to make you smile.

Articles you might enjoy:

You might like to try these free games too:

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