15 Very Funny One-Liners by Billy Connolly

Billy Connolly is known to millions around the world as an irreverent comedian with a laser-sharp wit, as well as being a great storyteller. Often known affectionately as The Big Yin his contribution to popular entertainment over the past 40 years has been enormous.

He started life working as a welder in the Glasgow shipyards, and moved on to a career as a folk singer, initially with Gerry Rafferty and then as a solo artist. Through that he gradually found his natural calling which was to make us all laugh and cheer us up. And at that he excels.

From his work as a comedian, he’s broadened his popular appeal through acting and presenting. And in recognition of his achievements and his charitable work he is now formally Sir William Connolly, CBE.

Billy Connolly is an excellent example of someone who by finding something he both enjoys and excels at, has been very successful.

Here are 15 very funny one-liners by Billy Connolly just to remind you of how witty he is. Enjoy them all.

  1. Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn’t try it on. ~Billy Connolly
  2. Marriage is a wonderful invention. Then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. ~Billy Connolly
  3. My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. ~Billy Connolly
  4. Who discovered we could get milk from cows and what did he think he was doing at the time? ~Billy Connolly
  5. I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. ~Billy Connolly
  6. I don’t know why I should have to learn algebra. I’m never likely to go there. ~Billy Connolly
  7. If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name? ~Billy Connolly
  8. A lot of people say it’s a lack of vocabulary that makes you swear. Rubbish. I know thousands of words but I still prefer f***. ~Billy Connolly
  9. What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find? ~Billy Connolly
  10. When people say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it? ~Billy Connolly
  11. When something is ‘new and improved!’ which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it. ~Billy Connolly
  12. Why do people say ‘Oh you want to have your cake and eat it too?’ Dead right! What good is a cake if you can’t eat it? ~Billy Connolly
  13. A bird in the hand invariably shits on your wrist. ~Billy Connolly
  14. When you’re waiting for the bus and someone asks, ‘Has the bus come yet?’ If the bus came would I be standing here?  ~Billy Connolly
  15. My advice to you if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard. ~Billy Connolly

Did these funny one-liners from Billy Connolly make you smile? I hope so. However there are plenty more laughs for you if you click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you. And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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25 Funny Short Jokes to Brighten Your Day

Life can be tough for everyone, don’t you think? It can be stressful at times too. When life is getting you down then laughter is always the best medicine. In fact laughter is always great medicine regardless of how we’re feeling. However the problem can be finding the time to go in search of a laugh or two. Don’t worry because I’ve done the work for you. I’ve been digging around looking for funny short jokes that might just help readers to relax a little.

So here are 25 great funny short jokes that are guaranteed to brighten your day. Well, perhaps not all of them. However I’m confident that most of them will brighten your day. They’re all quick to read and if at least some of them don’t make you smile then nothing will.

So take five minutes for yourself and enjoy these funny short jokes right now.

  • If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive
  • They’d find me attractive by now
  • Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle? 
  • Too many cheetahs
  • What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
  • A roamin’ Catholic
  • Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley
  • One was assaulted
  • What do you call a fat psychic?
  • A four chin teller
  • My girlfriend accused me of cheating
  • I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
  • A man asked me for a donation towards the local swimming pool
  • So I gave him a glass of water
  • I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage
  • I lost my case
  • What do you say to a one-legged hitch hiker?
  • Hop in
  • What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
  • A flat miner
  • If you give an alligator a GPS
  • Does that make it a navigator?
  • How do trees get online?
  • They just log in
  • What do you call a singing laptop?
  • A Dell
  • Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide? 
  • Because it’s always spotted
  • I don’t know what Armageddon means
  • So what? It’s not the end of the world
  • I’ve been told I’m condescending
  • (That means talking down to people)
  • What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?
  • A Maybe
  • Why go to the paint store when you’re on a diet?
  • You can get thinner there
  • How do you get two whales in a car?
  • Start in England and drive west
  • Why shouldn’t you fall in love with a pastry chef?
  • He’ll dessert you
  • What do cats like to eat for breakfast?
  • Mice Krispies
  • What do you call the cat that was caught by the police?
  • The purrpatrator
  • I went bobsleighing the other day
  • And I managed to kill 250 bobs
  • People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones
  • But people in Abu Dhabi do!
  • You may think it’s romantic to carve our names on this tree
  • But I have to ask, why did you bring a knife on our first date?

Having read these funny short jokes you may feel that you can still use a good laugh. If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you. And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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15 Quotes by Penny Marshall

Arguably in recent years, there has been a significant improvement in the availability of opportunities for women, particularly in show-business. And that’s how it should be of course. Nevertheless we have to admire those strong and very talented women from previous generations who managed to succeed at their chosen profession, despite a system designed to keep them very much in their place. One such example is the American actress, director and producer Penny Marshall.

She rose to fame in the 1970s for her role in the hit US television sitcom Laverne & Shirley. Playing the role of Laverne DeFazio, she was very funny and she created a character that has proved to be one of the standout comedy characters from the golden age of situation comedy.

Penny Marshall then went on to become a very successful director of films, an area of entertainment still heavily dominated by men to this day.

She’s clearly a very smart lady. So here are 15 quotes by Penny Marshall which reflect her personal philosophy.

  1. I think everyone’s mother is slightly nuts. ~Penny Marshall
  2. My family is well and that’s what’s important. ~Penny Marshall
  3. I want you to laugh and cry. That’s what I do. ~Penny Marshall
  4. I wasn’t like a girly girl. I was a tomboy. ~Penny Marshall
  5. If you’re not having a good time, find something else that gives you some joy in life. ~Penny Marshall
  6. I have a strange combination of fearlessness and massive insecurity. ~Penny Marshall
  7. In my opinion, life’s more important than show business. ~Penny Marshall
  8. When I’m working, I’m obsessively working. ~Penny Marshall
  9. I do feel it’s important to entertain people. I try to. ~Penny Marshall
  10. The truth is that I’m not a frump. I just enjoy being laid back. ~Penny Marshall
  11. I would much rather feel comfortable and feel beautiful, than to feel uncomfortable, but look fantastic. ~Penny Marshall
  12. Once I commit to something, I complete it. If I say ‘No,’ I mean ‘No.’ I just have to learn how to say ‘No’ more. ~Penny Marshall
  13. I’ll try anything. What are they gonna do, kick me out of show business? ~Penny Marshall
  14. Movie stars are insecure like everyone else. That’s why they go into acting! ~Penny Marshall
  15. Look at YouTube, how many talented people there are. It’s a whole new world of how to express yourself. I don’t know how to work that world, but take advantage of it. ~Penny Marshall

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15 Quotes by Mae West

Mae West was one of the most controversial movie stars of her day, making comedy out of the prudish, conventional mores of that time. However Depression-era audiences loved her for it. Born Mary Jane West in Brooklyn, New York in 1893 she was an actress, singer, playwright, screenwriter, comedian and sex symbol whose entertainment career spanned seven decades. Some might dismiss her for her light-hearted bawdy double entendres and breezy sexual independence but she knew what she was doing and she was clearly very smart. She was a woman who lived life on her own terms. Asked about the various efforts to impede her career, Mae West replied, “I believe in censorship. I made a fortune out of it.” Here are another 15 quotes by Mae West, many of which will make you smile.

  1. A dame that knows the ropes isn’t likely to get tied up. ~Mae West
  2. I used to be Snow White but I drifted. ~Mae West
  3. Too much of a good thing can be wonderful. ~Mae West
  4. To err is human but it feels divine. ~Mae West
  5. I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it. ~Mae West
  6. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. ~Mae West
  7. You only live once but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
  8. Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly. ~Mae West
  9. I never loved another person the way I loved myself. ~Mae West
  10. He who hesitates is a damned fool. ~Mae West
  11. Virtue has its own reward, but no sale at the box office. ~Mae West
  12. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. ~Mae West
  13. When I’m good, I’m very good but when I’m bad I’m better. ~Mae West
  14. I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure. ~Mae West
  15. Marriage is a great institution but I’m not ready for an institution. ~Mae West

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15 Quotes by Amy Poehler

Amy Poehler is an American actress, voice artist, comedian, director, producer and writer. She is also an inspiration to women everywhere. Probably best known for her appearances on the US television series Saturday Night Live, she has a reputation for being a woman with the determination to contribute significantly in her own right rather than being content with a decorative, background role supporting leading men. This is a woman who is smart, very talented and who knows where she’s going. We would all do well following her example. Here are 15 quotes by Amy Poehler which reflect her philosophy and her approach to succeeding in a tough profession.

  1. I get a little itchy if I don’t have some control. ~Amy Poehler
  2. I’ve always dreamed of growing up to be Amy Poehler. ~Amy Poehler
  3. I believe great people do things before they are ready. ~Amy Poehler
  4. The earlier you learn that you should focus on what you have, and not obsess about what you don’t have, the happier you will be. ~Amy Poehler
  5. I cannot stress enough that the answer to life’s questions is often in people’s faces. Try putting your iPhones down once in a while, and look in people’s faces. People’s faces will tell you amazing things. Like if they are angry, or nauseous or asleep. ~Amy Poehler
  6. Try to keep your mind open to possibilities and your mouth closed on matters that you don’t know about. Limit your ‘always’ and your ‘nevers.’ ~Amy Poehler
  7. I’d say any good set or any comedy that I’ve worked on, that’s worked, has been comedians pitching ideas back and forth to each other. A lot of like, ‘What if you say this? What about this?’ ~Amy Poehler
  8. Any actor or actress that tells you that they don’t watch their stuff is lying. ~Amy Poehler
  9. I think we should stop asking people in their twenties what they “want to do” and start asking them what they don’t want to do. ~Amy Poehler
  10. You do it because the doing of it is the thing. The doing is the thing. The talking and worrying and thinking is not the thing. ~Amy Poehler
  11. Decide what your currency is early. Let go of what you will never have. People who do this are happier and sexier. ~Amy Poehler
  12. It takes years as a woman to unlearn what you have been taught to be sorry for. It takes years to find your voice and seize your real estate. ~Amy Poehler
  13. Watching great people do what you love is a good way to start learning how to do it yourself. ~Amy Poehler
  14. How a person treats their waitress is a great indication of their character. ~Amy Poehler
  15. I want to be around people that do things. I don’t want to be around people anymore that judge or talk about what people do. I want to be around people that dream and support and do things. ~Amy Poehler

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21 thought-provoking quotes about change

As the old saying goes,Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.” We cannot avoid change because it’s going to happen whether we like it or not. Trying to stop it is like trying to hold back the tide. It can’t be done. Change is simply a force of nature. If you hate change, you’re not alone. Most people hate change. Just when we think we have everything under control a significant change happens and suddenly we’re scrambling to get ourselves back to equilibrium. It makes life seem like a giant game of Snakes and Ladders. Here are 21 thought-provoking quotes about change to underline the point.

  1. There is nothing permanent except change. ~Heraclitus
  2. Change is the end result of all true learning. ~Leo Buscaglia
  3. Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change. ~Stephen Hawking
  4. Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me. ~Carol Burnett
  5. Just when I think I’ve learned the way to live, life changes. ~Hugh Prather
  6. To improve is to change. To be perfect is to change often. ~Winston Churchill
  7. The greatest discovery of all time is that a person can change his future by merely changing his attitude. ~Oprah Winfrey
  8. When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor E. Frankl
  9. The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance. ~Nathaniel Branden
  10. You must be the change you wish to see in the world. ~Mahatma Gandhi
  11. No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world. ~Robin Williams
  12. Change your thoughts and you change your world. ~Norman Vincent Peale
  13. If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. ~Wayne Dyer
  14. I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination. ~Jimmy Dean
  15. If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. ~Maya Angelou
  16. Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek. ~Barack Obama
  17. Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything. ~George Bernard Shaw
  18. The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails. ~William Arthur Ward
  19. Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future. ~John F. Kennedy
  20. Without change there is no innovation, creativity, or incentive for improvement. Those who initiate change will have a better opportunity to manage the change that is inevitable. ~William Pollard
  21. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality, nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit. ~Christopher McCandless

Did you find these thought-provoking quotes about change interesting? If you did then perhaps they might interest others you know too. Please share them with your friends on social media because when you share, everyone wins.

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15 Quotes by Tina Fey

Tina Fey is one of the funniest women in show business and she’s also a very smart lady too. Not only is she a comedian but she is also an actress, writer and producer. She’s best known for her work on the NBC sketch comedy series Saturday Night Live and for creating the acclaimed situation comedy 30 Rock. Here are 15 quotes by Tina Fey to inspire you.

  1. Say yes and you’ll figure it out afterwards. ~Tina Fey
  2. Confidence is 10% hard work and 90% delusion. ~Tina Fey
  3. It will never be perfect but perfect is overrated. Perfect is boring on live TV. ~Tina Fey
  4. Sometimes if you have a difficult decision to make, just stall until the answer presents itself. ~Tina Fey
  5. Don’t waste your energy trying to change opinions. Do your thing and don’t care if they like it. ~Tina Fey
  6. Whatever the problem, be part of the solution. Don’t just sit around raising questions and pointing out obstacles. ~Tina Fey
  7. Stop calling each other sluts and whores; that makes it OK for guys to call you sluts and whores. ~Tina Fey
  8. Somewhere around the fifth or seventh grade I figured out that I could ingratiate myself to people by making them laugh. Essentially, I was just trying to make them like me. But after a while it became part of my identity. ~Tina Fey
  9. For my first show at SNL, I wrote a Bill Clinton sketch, and during our read-through, it wasn’t getting any laughs. This weight of embarrassment came over me, and I felt like I was sweating from my spine out. But I realized, ‘Okay, that happened, and I did not die.’ You’ve got to experience failure to understand that you can survive it. ~Tina Fey
  10. If you want to be a screenwriter, take an acting class to get a sense of what you’re asking actors to do. Learning other skills will help you communicate with people and respect what they do. ~Tina Fey
  11. Trying to be a leader in a sort of very atypical workplace like Saturday Night Live forces you to realize that no one wants you to be their leader. If you can help them get their thing on TV or whatever, they want that. But no adult is looking for a role model. ~Tina Fey
  12. If you’re an actor and you don’t get cast in stuff a lot, then put together a show or hold play-reading nights at your apartment. Make your own opportunities. ~Tina Fey
  13. After college, I knew I wanted to work in comedy, so the first thing I did was go to where the comedy was. I moved from Charlottesville to Chicago, because that’s where The Second City and Improv Olympics are. You have to go wherever you need to go to study what interests you. ~Tina Fey
  14. It is an impressively arrogant move to conclude that just because you don’t like something, it is empirically not good. I don’t like Chinese food, but I don’t write articles trying to prove it doesn’t exist. ~Tina Fey
  15. This is what I tell young women who ask me for career advice. People are going to try to trick you. To make you feel that you are in competition with one another. “You’re up for a promotion. If they go for a woman, it’ll be between you and Barbara.” Don’t be fooled. You’re not in competition with other women. You’re in competition with everyone. ~Tina Fey

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33 Hilarious Cheesy Pick-Up Lines

We’ve all been there at some point in our lives, particularly when we’re young. We’re in a bar or a club and we see someone attractive, who we’d like to get to know a little bit better. The weapon of choice in such situations is the pick-up line or chat-up line as a conversation opener with the intent of engaging that person in the hope that it may lead to dating or romance. Sadly there are not many pick-up lines that we can truly look back on with pride though. Here are 33 hilarious but very cheesy pick-up lines that may not stand the test of time but certainly they’ll make you smile right now. So enjoy them all.

  1. Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?
  2. Are you Yoda? Because Yodalicious.
  3. Your hand looks heavy can I hold it for you?
  4. Your lips look lonely. Would they like to meet mine?
  5. Do you play soccer? Because you’re a keeper!
  6. Aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
  7. Do you have a name or can I call you mine?
  8. Hello, you’re so hot a firefighter couldn’t put you out.
  9. I must be in a museum because you’re a work of art.
  10. You’re so lovely, you make me wanna go out and get a job
  11. Hi, I’m writing a phone book. Can I have your number?
  12. I’m no organ donor but I’d be happy to give you my heart.
  13. Hey, you’re pretty and I’m cute. Together we’d be pretty cute.
  14. I’m not a photographer but I can picture me and you together.
  15. Are you religious? Because you’re the answer to all my prayers.
  16. I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
  17. I’m lost. Can you give me directions to your heart?
  18. Was your dad a boxer? Because you’re a knockout!
  19. I’m not a hoarder but I really want to keep you forever.
  20. Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
  21. Can I follow you? Because my mom told me to follow my dreams
  22. You must be a broom because you just swept me off my feet.
  23. Hello, I’m a thief, and I’m here to steal your heart.
  24. I heard you’re good at algebra. Can you replace my X without asking Y
  25. Do you have a band aid? Because I scraped my knees falling for you.
  26. You really shouldn’t wear makeup. You’re messing with perfection!
  27. Would you grab my arm, so I can tell my friends I’ve been touched by an angel?
  28. Is your name Google? Because you have everything I’ve been searching for.
  29. Do you know if there are any police around here? Cause I’m about to steal your heart.
  30. You look familiar. Didn’t we take a class together? I could’ve sworn we had chemistry.
  31. I don’t believe in love at first sight but I’m willing to make an exception in your case.
  32. I may not be the best looking guy here but I’m the only one talking to you.
  33. Can you kiss me on the cheek so I can at least say a cute girl kissed me tonight?

Having read these pick-up lines you may feel like you can still use a good laugh. If so. then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you. And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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19 Fun Quotes That Will Make You Think

Life is short and the years pass so quickly. One minute you’re 15 and the next you’re 50, or so it seems. Having fun is essential. Every minute of life is to be enjoyed. Yes, life can be challenging and it’s never going to be easy. However we must all find some joy in each and every day of our lives. Treat every day as if it’s your last because one day it will be. Here are 19 fun quotes with an emphasis on why having fun is so important.

  1. If it ain’t fun, it ain’t worth it. ~Dennis Wilson
  2. Just play; have fun; enjoy the game. ~Michael Jordan
  3. I think that success is having fun. ~Bruno Mars
  4. There’s no fear when you’re having fun. ~Will Thomas
  5. Just keep taking chances and having fun. ~Garth Brooks
  6. I never did a day’s work in my life. It was all fun. ~Thomas A. Edison
  7. If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun. ~Katharine Hepburn
  8. Follow your dreams. Just make sure to have fun too. ~Chris Brown
  9. Winning is only half of it. Having fun is the other half. ~Bum Phillips
  10. People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing. ~Dale Carnegie
  11. There’s no need to dress like everyone else. It’s much more fun to create your own look. ~Twiggy
  12. We believe in working hard and having fun at the same time. It’s a way of life for me, and I feel tremendous. ~Robert Stigwood
  13. I feel confident imposing change on myself. It’s a lot more fun progressing than looking back. That’s why I need to throw curve balls. ~David Bowie
  14. When you start recognising that you’re having fun, life can be delightful. ~Jane Birkin
  15. Fun is one of the most important, and underrated, ingredients in any successful venture. If you’re not having fun then it’s probably time to call it quits and try something else. ~Richard Branson
  16. Have fun is my message. Be silly. You’re allowed to be silly. There’s nothing wrong with it. ~Jimmy Fallon
  17. Life is too short to not have fun; we are only here for a short time compared to the sun and the moon and all that. ~Coolio
  18. There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it. ~Andrew Jackson
  19. Flying might not be all plain sailing but the fun of it is worth the price. ~Amelia Earhart

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5 Quotes About Death

The death of a friend or close relative always makes us think about our own mortality, particularly as we get older. As I attended a funeral just yesterday I’m in a philosophical frame of mind today, so I’m looking back at quotes about death.

We’re all going to die; the only questions are when and how? The important thing is to make the most of our lives whilst we can. And in relation to our loved ones, we must take every opportunity to enjoy their company whilst it’s still possible. None of us can know what will happen tomorrow. And none of us can know when a loved one will be taken from us, for whatever reason.

We are constantly reminded through News stories about how lives can be cruelly cut short. So many tragedies involving multiple deaths in the United States, in Europe and in wars all around the world. How sad these events can be, particularly for the families and friends of the victims. Lives lost means lives changed irrevocably.

Life is short and the years go by in the blink of an eye. So we must ensure that we’ve got our priorities right. Remember always; we work to live, not live to work. Careers are all very well but they won’t take care of you should you become sick or infirm. Should that happen, you’ll depend on your family and friends.

Here are five quotes about death that will help you reflect on it’s significance and the importance of making the most of your life and the people you love. Live now and have no regrets.

  1. No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. ~Steve Jobs
  2. The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time. ~Mark Twain
  3. Don’t send me flowers when I’m dead. If you like me, send them while I’m alive. ~Brian Clough
  4. Our dead are never dead to us, until we have forgotten them. ~George Eliot
  5. It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live. ~Marcus Aurelius

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