If you enjoy lame jokes, dear reader, then I’ve got some great ones for you today. I’m confident that at least some of these will make you laugh.
Enjoy them all, and feel free to share them with your friends.
Lame Jokes:
1. Miscommunication:
Betty is sitting on the porch with her husband, sipping a glass of wine.
“I love you so much,” says Betty. “In fact, I doubt if I could live without you. Not even for a single day.”
Her husband, Jim, is flattered and almost speechless. His wife had never shown him quite so much affection.
“Oh, Betty, I didn’t know you cared so much,” said Jim.
“Oh, yes,” said Betty, “this wine is really very special to me.”
2. Two wishes:
Jake and Maggie are a married couple in their sixties, and one day they’re visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.
“I want to travel around the world with my darling husband,” says Maggie.
“Your wish is granted,” says the fairy.
Then there’s a POOF sound, and miraculously, two tickets for a luxury cruise appear in Maggie’s hand.
“I’m sorry,” says Jake, “but my wish is to have a wife who’s 30 years younger than me.”
“Your wish is granted,” says the fairy.
With that, the fairy waves a wand, and miraculously, Jake is transformed into a 92-year-old.
Moral of the Story: Ungrateful men should remember that fairies are female and loyal to the sisterhood.
3. Shot of whiskey:
Jim drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed.
After years of this, his wife, Elaine, is worried about him and wants him to quit.
Naturally, Elaine wants to ensure that Jim really understands why she’s concerned.
As they’re sitting at the table, Elaine says to him, “Jim, dear, we need to talk.”
With that, she places two shot glasses on the table and fills one with water and the other with whiskey.
“Now, Jim, I want you to watch what happens next,” says Elaine.
With that, she takes two worms from his fishing-bait box and puts one in each of the shot glasses.
The worm in the water starts swimming around in the glass.
Sadly, the worm in the whiskey dies immediately.
Feeling she’s made her point, Elaine says, “So, Jim, what do you have to say about this little experiment?”
“Well, dear, that’s obvious,” says Jim. “If I keep drinking whiskey, I won’t get worms.”
4. Little Johnny Joke:
Little Johnny is sitting in his math class, and the teacher asks him, “Johnny, how many feet are there in a yard?”
Little Johnny thinks momentarily and then responds, “Well, miss, that would depend on how many people are standing in the yard.”
5. The pharmacist:
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
“Mam,” says the pharmacist, “I have to ask you what it’s for?”
“I want to kill my husband,” the woman responds.
“I’m sorry, mam,” says the pharmacist, “but I can’t let you have it for that.”
With that, the woman shows the pharmacist a photograph of his wife in bed with her husband.
The pharmacist studies the photograph momentarily and then says, “Oh, right, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
6. The reptile house:
Towards the end of a hectic day at the zoo, staff tried to tidy up as quickly as possible before closing for the evening.
In their haste to finish their work in the reptile house, the glass tanks were left open by mistake.
Within minutes, dozens of snakes had escaped.
With some highly venomous snakes on the loose, the head keeper was desperately trying to round them up, with little to no success.
Eventually, the head keeper turned to his assistant and said, “It’s no use; I’ll have to call a politician.”
“A politician?” the assistant exclaimed, a little bewildered. “How will a politician help us now?”
“Well,” said the head keeper, “we need someone who can speak their language.”
7. The miracle:
One morning, a disabled man hobbled into St Patrick’s Catholic Church on crutches.
The man stopped in front of the font, dipped a cupped hand into the holy water, and then started splashing and rubbing holy water on both of his legs.
When he’d finished, he threw away his crutches.
Watching this event was an altar boy, who was truly amazed by this act, which demonstrated the power of belief in God.
Immediately, the boy ran into the rectory to tell Father O’Connor, the Parish priest, what he’d seen.
“Son,” said Father O’Connor, “what you’ve just witnessed is a miracle. Tell me, where is this man now?”
“Flat on his ass, over there by the holy water,” said the boy.
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