Roy Sutton

4 Hilariously Funny Short Story Jokes

02/12/2024 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for some hilariously funny short story jokes, dear reader, then I’ve got four today that you might just enjoy.

Take a few moments to check them out, and then please feel free to pass them on to your friends.

Hilariously funny short story jokes:

1. Jackie and the Game Warden:

Steve and Jackie went on vacation to a fishing resort in Montana.

Steve was a keen fisherman, and he liked to go out fishing early in the morning. Whereas when she’s on vacation, Jackie prefers to just relax and read a book.

One morning, after a few hours of fishing on the lake, Steve returned in his boat and, feeling a little tired by now, decided to take a midday nap.

At this point, Jackie is feeling in need of a little fresh air, and though unfamiliar with their boat, she decided to take it out onto the lake.

So she motored out a short distance, anchored the boat, and then continued reading her book in the peace and tranquility of this beautiful part of the world.

Jackie’s sitting and reading for about half an hour when suddenly the Game Warden’s boat pulls up next to her boat.

“Good day, mam,” said the Game Warden. “What are you doing?”

“I’m reading a book,” Jackie replied.

“Mam, do you realize that you’re in a restricted fishing area?” said the Game Warden.

“Does that really matter?” said Jackie. “I’m not fishing; I’m reading.”

The Game Warden cast his experienced eye over her boat and then said, “Mam, I can see your boat has all the equipment for fishing. For all I know, you could start at any moment. I’m afraid I’ll have to write you up a ticket.”

Jackie smiled and then said, “Officer, if you do that, I will file a complaint against you for sexual assault.”

Surprised and slightly concerned by her response, the Game Warden said, “Mam, what do you mean? I haven’t laid a finger on you.”

“Perhaps,” said Jackie, “but you have all the equipment to do so. For all I know, you could start at any moment.”

“You have a nice day, mam”, said the Game Warden, as he re-started his engine and sailed away, leaving Jackie to her reading.

Moral of the Story: Don’t mess with women. You won’t win.

2. The silent treatment:

Frank and his wife, Liz, were giving each other the silent treatment after an argument.

This had gone on for 10 days when Frank realized he needed her to wake him the following morning at 5 a.m. so he could catch the 8 a.m. flight to Los Angeles for a very important business meeting.

However, Frank didn’t want to be the first to break the silence, so he left a note on her bedside table that read, “Please wake me at 5 a.m.”

The next morning, he woke up only to find it was already 9 a.m. So he’d missed his flight to Los Angeles.

Frank was furious, and he was about to ask his wife why she hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper on his bedside table. It read, “It’s 5 a.m. Wake up.”

Moral of the Story: Don’t mess with women. You won’t win.

3. A woman’s contribution:

One evening, Bill returned home from work only to find his home completely wrecked and upside down. Everything was a complete mess.

Bill’s three young children were still in their pyjamas, eating snacks from the fridge. The entrance rug, normally in the hall, was lying on the table. The television in the living room was blasting out cartoons loudly. And every item of furniture in the room was covered in stuff.

He walked into the kitchen only to find that the sink was full of dishes. Leftovers from breakfast were scattered all over the counter, and it was covered in crumbs too.

So Bill immediately ran up the stairs, dodging toys and piles of clothes, fearing his wife might be gravely ill or that some other misfortune might have happened to her.

When he entered their bedroom, breathless, Bill found his wife lying happily in bed, still in her pyjamas, reading a book.

Watching him struggle for breath, she smiled and said, “Hello, honey, how was your day?”

Feeling more than surprised and a little confused, Bill asked his wife, “What’s going on? What the hell has been happening here today?“

Once again, Bill’s wife smiled and said, “Remember that argument we had last night when you hurtfully asked me what the hell I did all day?”

“Ehhhh, yes, I think so”, said Bill, still slightly confused.

“Well today I didn’t do any of it, so now you know,” his wife responded.

Moral of the Story: Don’t mess with women. You won’t win.

4. It could be worse:

Jim’s walking past his son Tim’s room when he notices it’s incredibly clean and neat. As Tim’s not usually quite so fastidious in matters of housekeeping, Jim is naturally suspicious. So, he enters the room, and immediately he notices that there is a note on Tim’s bed addressed to Dad.

Nervously, Jim picks up the letter and opens it.

The letter reads,

“Dear Dad, I’ve run away with Betsy. She’s 20 years older than me, but I love her. We had to elope because she’s pregnant with my child. As we didn’t have enough money, I stole some from your wallet. We’re going to live in the woods below the Santa Monica Mountains, where she has a trailer, and where we will be growing marijuana and trading drugs with the local community. Once we have enough money, we’ll be able to get her the treatment she needs for AIDS. We plan to have at least eight children, and once we’re settled, we’ll visit you each year.

If you’ve read this far, Dad, don’t worry; I’m just kidding around. I’m hanging out at Mikey’s place. I just wanted you to realise that there are worse things than my report card, which you’ll find on my desk if you want to read it. Call me when it’s safe to head back home. Love you, Tim.”

Moral of the Story: Don’t mess with your kids. You won’t win with them either.

I hope you found these jokes as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh. If so, click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today, then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

So go on, please do it now. I’ll be ever so grateful.

Thank you for your support.

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7 lame jokes funny enough to make you laugh

02/11/2024 by Roy Sutton

If you enjoy lame jokes, dear reader, then I’ve got some great ones for you today. I’m confident that at least some of these will make you laugh.

Enjoy them all and feel free to share them with your friends.

Lame Jokes:

1. Miscommunication:

Betty is sitting on the porch with her husband sipping a glass of wine.

“I love you so much,” says Betty. “In fact, I doubt if I could live without you. Not even for a single day.”

Her husband, Jim, is flattered and almost speechless. His wife had never shown him quite so much affection.

“Oh, Betty, I didn’t know you cared so much,” said Jim.

“Oh, yes,” said Betty, “this wine is really very special to me.”

2. Two wishes:

Jake and Maggie are a married couple in their sixties and one day they’re visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.

“I want to travel around the world with my darling husband,” says Maggie.

“Your wish is granted,” says the fairy.

Then there’s a POOF sound and miraculously two tickets for a luxury cruise appear in Maggie’s hand.

“I’m sorry,” says Jake, “but my wish is to have a wife that’s 30 years younger than me.”

“Your wish is granted,” says the fairy.

With that, the fairy waves a wand and miraculously Jake is transformed into a 92-year-old.

Moral of the Story: Ungrateful men should remember that fairies are female and loyal to the sisterhood.

3. Shot of whiskey:

Jim drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed.

After years of this, his wife, Elaine is worried about him and wants him to quit.

Naturally, Elaine wants to ensure that Jim really understands why she’s concerned.

As they’re sitting at the table, Elaine says to him, “Jim, dear, we need to talk.”

With that, she places two shot glasses on the table and fills one with water and the other with whiskey.

“Now, Jim, I want you to watch what happens next,” says Elaine.

With that, she takes two worms from his fishing-bait box and puts one in each of the shot glasses.

The worm in the water starts swimming around in the glass.

Sadly, the worm in the whiskey dies immediately.

Feeling she’s made her point, Elaine says, “So, Jim, what do you have to say about this little experiment?”

“Well dear, that’s obvious,” says Jim. “If I keep drinking whiskey, I won’t get worms.”

4. Little Johnny Joke:

Little Johnny is sitting in his math class and the teacher asks him, “Johnny, how many feet are there in a yard?”

Little Johnny thinks momentarily and then responds, “Well, miss, that would depend on how many people are standing in the yard.”

5. The pharmacist:

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

“Mam,” says the pharmacist, “I have to ask you what it’s for?”

“I want to kill my husband,” the woman responds.

“I’m sorry, mam,” says the pharmacist, “but I can’t let you have it for that.”

With that, the woman shows the pharmacist a photograph of his wife in bed with her husband.

The pharmacist studies the photograph momentarily and then says, “Oh, right, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

6. The reptile house:

Towards the end of a hectic day at the zoo, staff tried to tidy up as quickly as possible before closing for the evening.

In their haste to finish their work in the reptile house, the glass tanks were left open by mistake.

Within minutes dozens of snakes had escaped.

With some highly venomous snakes on the loose, the head keeper was desperately trying to round them up, with little to no success.

Eventually, the head keeper turned to his assistant and said, “It’s no use, I’ll have to call a politician.”

“A politician?” the assistant exclaimed, a little bewildered. “How will a politician help us now?”

“Well,” said the head keeper, “we need someone who can speak their language.”

7. The miracle:

One morning, a disabled man hobbled into St Patrick’s Catholic Church on crutches.

The man stopped in front of the font, dipped a cupped hand into the holy water and then started splashing and rubbing holy water on both of his legs.

When he’d finished, he threw away his crutches.

Watching this event was an altar boy, who was truly amazed by this act which demonstrated the power of belief in God.

Immediately, the boy ran into the rectory to tell Father O’Connor, the Parish priest, what he’d seen.

“Son,” said Father O’Connor, “what you’ve just witnessed is a miracle. Tell me, where is this man now?”

“Flat on his ass, over there by the holy water,” said the boy.

So dear reader, was this post worth a few minutes of your time? Did you enjoy these lame jokes? Were they the ‘full groan‘?

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21 thought-provoking quotes that will inspire you

02/10/2024 by Roy Sutton

Looking for a little inspiration, dear reader? Well, here are 21 thought-provoking quotes that will inspire you.

I hope you find them all interesting.

Please feel free to share them all.

Quotes that will inspire you:

Stop underestimating yourself. ~Michael Josephson
Every artist was first an amateur. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
The secret to getting ahead is getting started. ~Agatha Christie
Whoever is happy will make others happy, too. ~Mark Twain
You are what you think about all day long. ~Dr Robert Schuller
Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently. ~Henry Ford
It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are. ~E.E. Cummings
Do not let what you cannot do; interfere with what you can do. ~John Wooden
The only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. ~Steve Jobs
The biggest mistake people make in life is not trying to make a living doing what they most enjoy. ~Malcolm Forbes
The most important thing is to be whatever you are without shame. ~Rod Steiger
That’s precisely the question everyone should be asking—why the hell not? Why not you? Why not now? ~Timothy Ferriss
Success seems to be connected with action. Successful people keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don’t quit. ~Conrad Hilton
The quality of a person’s life is in direct proportion to their commitment to excellence, regardless of their chosen field of endeavour. ~Vince Lombardi
Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome. ~Samuel Johnson
Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all. ~Dale Carnegie
You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore. ~Christopher Columbus
Use what talents you possess. The woods will be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best. ~Henry Van Dyke
Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who are alive. ~Howard Thurman
Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier. ~Mother Teresa
One of the tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today. ~Dale Carnegie

If you enjoyed these thought-provoking quotes, then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

If you could do that for me now, I’ll be ever so grateful.

Thank you.

15 Quotes by Marilyn Monroe to inspire you

02/09/2024 by Roy Sutton

Marilyn Monroe was a big star in her day, and much has been said and written about her since her death. Some of it was true, but mostly it was just a myth.

However, despite her untimely death, the legend of Marilyn Monroe lives on to this day. She died tragically young and in rather sad circumstances.

Nevertheless, she was much smarter than she appeared to be, and many of her observations were quite sharp and funny.

The 15 quotes by Marilyn Monroe included here, I think, will prove this point.

The quotes attributed to Marilyn Monroe illustrate her grasp of what it was to be a woman in what was then very much a man’s world. In many ways, women’s life experiences have changed very little, so her observations should serve as a source of inspiration for women everywhere, even now.

Here are the 15 quotes by Marilyn Monroe. So, take a few minutes to enjoy them.

Quotes by Marilyn Monroe:

A smile is the best makeup a girl can wear. ~Marilyn Monroe
A girl doesn’t need anyone who doesn’t need her. ~Marilyn Monroe
Always, always, always believe in yourself. Because if you don’t, then who will, sweetie? ~Marilyn Monroe
I don’t mind living in a man’s world, as long as I can be a woman in it. ~Marilyn Monroe
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. ~Marilyn Monroe
I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times tough to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn Monroe
Sometimes you just have to throw on a crown and remind them who they’re dealing with. ~Marilyn Monroe
I am good but not an angel. I do sin but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world, trying to find someone to love. ~Marilyn Monroe
Naturally, there are times when every woman likes to be flattered, to feel she is the most important thing in someone’s world. Only a man can paint this picture. ~Marilyn Monroe
No one ever told me I was pretty when I was a little girl. All little girls should be told they’re pretty, even if they aren’t. ~Marilyn Monroe
When it comes down to it, let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what I do, then I’m already better than them anyway. ~Marilyn Monroe
You better believe when the conversation is getting shorter with you, it’s getting longer with someone else. ~Marilyn Monroe
A wise girl kisses but doesn’t love, listens but doesn’t believe, and leaves before she is left. ~Marilyn Monroe
Respect is one of life’s greatest treasures. I mean, what does it all add up to if you don’t have that? ~Marilyn Monroe
Sometimes I’ve been to a party where no one spoke to me for a whole evening. The men, frightened by their wives or sweeties, would give me a wide berth. And the ladies would gang up in a corner to discuss my dangerous character. ~Marilyn Monroe

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15 Quotes by Albert Einstein to inspire you

02/08/2024 by Roy Sutton

Albert Einstein was a German-born theoretical physicist, probably best known for the theory of relativity, amongst other things.

Certainly, his work had a major influence on the philosophy of science.

However, he was also widely respected as a great thinker, and many of the quotes attributed to him offer much for developing our personal philosophy.

Here are 15 quotes by Albert Einstein to prove the point:

Quotes by Albert Einstein:

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. ~Albert Einstein
Everyone should be respected as an individual, but no one should be idolized. ~Albert Einstein
Strive not to be a success but rather to be of value. ~Albert Einstein
Information is not knowledge. ~Albert Einstein
The only source of knowledge is experience. ~Albert Einstein
If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough. ~Albert Einstein
Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character. ~Albert Einstein
Learn from yesterday, live for today, and hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning. ~Albert Einstein
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. ~Albert Einstein
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. ~Albert Einstein
The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it. ~Albert Einstein
Only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former. ~Albert Einstein
It’s not that I’m so smart; it’s just that I stay with problems longer. ~Albert Einstein
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I’ve only ever had one. ~Albert Einstein
Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing. ~Albert Einstein

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If you could share this post, I would appreciate it. You would be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

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21 thought-provoking quotes about losing a loved one

02/07/2024 by Roy Sutton

Suddenly, you have someone so dear wrenched from your life, and you know you will never see or speak to them again. It’s very hard.

When you lose a loved one, it’s one of the toughest things to deal with in life. Certainly, that’s been my experience.

What you’d give just to sit with them one more time and tell them how much they mean to you.

If only you could laugh with them once again and share a drink or a meal.

How you’d love to talk with them about happy times and the absurd things in life that drive you nuts. To share your troubles with that special person who was always there with a supportive ear.

If you’ve yet to lose a loved one, you cannot appreciate how it feels.

However, readers who’ve experienced such loss will know exactly what I mean.

And one day, every reader will know how it feels. Loss touches us all at some point in our lives.

Here are 21 thought-provoking quotes about losing a loved one to help you reflect on life’s greatest challenge.

And if you have lost a loved one, then remember this: if you close your eyes and think of them, then they’ll always be there in your mind’s eye.

Their physical presence may not be with you anymore, but their spirit will live on, and their memory will be forever in your heart.

For as long as you remember them, they can never be truly gone.

Quotes about losing a loved one:

A man is not dead while his name is still spoken. ~Terry Pratchett
Come back. Even as a shadow, even as a dream. ~Euripides
Death is never easy when you know the people doing the dying. ~Oliver North
If you have ever lost a loved one, then you know exactly how it feels. And if you have not, then you cannot possibly imagine it. ~Lemony Snicket
Say not in grief he is no more, but live in thankfulness that he was. ~Hebrew Proverb
Grief is in two parts. The first is loss. The second is the remaking of life. ~Anne Roiphe
My feet will want to walk to where you are sleeping, but I shall go on living. ~Pablo Neruda
Lucky is the spouse who dies first, who never has to know what survivors endure. ~Sue Grafton
You don’t know how easy death is. It’s like a door. A person simply walks through it, and she’s lost to you forever. ~Eloisa James
It takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, and a day to love them, but it takes an entire lifetime to forget them. ~Author Unknown
The song has ended, but the melody lingers on. ~Irving Berlin
If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I’d walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. ~Author Unknown
But she wasn’t around, and that’s the thing: when your parents die, you feel like instead of going into every fight with backup, you are going into every fight alone. ~Mitch Albom
Losing people you love affects you. It is buried inside of you and becomes this big, deep hole of ache. It doesn’t magically go away, even when you stop officially mourning. ~Carrie Jones
The weird thing about devastating loss is that life actually goes on. When you’re faced with a tragedy, a loss so huge that you have no idea how you can live through it, somehow, the world keeps turning, and the seconds keep ticking. ~James Patterson
We bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in the world; the company of those who have known suffering. ~Helen Keller
It is the capacity to feel consuming grief and pain and despair that also allows me to embrace love and joy and beauty with my whole heart. I must let it all in. ~Anna White
The few certainties in our existence are pain, death, and bereavement. ~Jane Wilson-Howarth
I still miss those I loved who are no longer with me but I find I am grateful for having loved them. The gratitude has finally conquered the loss. ~Rita Mae Brown
We can endure much more than we think we can; all human experience testifies to that. All we need to do is learn not to be afraid of pain. Grit your teeth and let it hurt. Don’t deny it, don’t be overwhelmed by it. It will not last forever. One day, the pain will be gone and you will still be there. ~Harold Kushner
I know for certain that we never lose the people we love, even to death. They continue to participate in every act, thought, and decision we make. Their love leaves an indelible imprint in our memories. We find comfort in knowing that our lives have been enriched by having shared their love. ~Leo Buscaglia

Did you find these thought-provoking quotes about losing a loved one interesting?

If you did then perhaps they might interest others you know too.

Please share them with your friends on social media, because when you share, everyone wins. Do it now, and I’ll be forever grateful.

Thank you.

10 funny but stupid jokes that’ll tickle your children

02/06/2024 by Roy Sutton

One of life’s great joys is sharing a laugh with children.

There’s nothing quite as infectious as a child laughing uncontrollably. I’m sure you’ll agree with that, dear reader.

All you need is a little ammunition in the form of a book of stupid jokes, and you’re well on your way to creating memories that will last a lifetime.

I recently stumbled upon a hilarious book that works well with young children.

The book is Smarties Big Book of Stupid Jokes by Michael Powell, and I think it’s hilarious. It’s stuffed full of the sort of stupid jokes you’d find in Christmas crackers.

It contains an excellent collection of over 2,500 hilariously funny and silly jokes, all guaranteed to get a child laughing.

So take a break from the smartphones and iPads and you can have hours of fun making your children laugh and showing them there’s life beyond electronic gadgets.

Each joke has a simple two-line structure, poking fun at everything from addled animals to witless wizards. These are jokes that children will love, and they’ll be eager to share them with their friends.

This collection of jokes will allow children to dazzle their friends, disarm their enemies, and impress their teachers.

And remember, if a child has a stock of jokes to tell, then they’ll always be popular with their peer group.

So I’ve got to tell you, dear reader, you can’t lose with this book. It’s inexpensive and a sure-fire winner.

Allow me to offer you some examples of the wit and humour that you’ll find between the covers of Smarties Big Book of Stupid Jokes by Michael Powell:

Stupid jokes just for you:

What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals

Why do cows lie down when it’s cold?
To keep each udder warm

Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angel fish

Why don’t bears wear socks?
Because they like to walk in their bear feet

What’s black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra

What’s out of bounds?
An exhausted kangaroo

Why are anteaters good workers?
Because a little aardvark never hurt anyone

Why shouldn’t you tell a pig a secret?
Because pigs are squealers

What do porcupines have that other animals don’t?
Baby porcupines

Why did the chicken walk on the telephone wire?
She wanted to lay it on the line

The book Smarties Big Book of Stupid Jokes by Michael Powell is available from Amazon and if you’d like to take a look inside or purchase a copy, then just CLICK HERE

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So dear reader, was this post worth a few minutes of your time?

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21 funny quotes you’ll absolutely love

02/05/2024 by Roy Sutton

I love quotes, and I love those funny quotes that make you smile and make you think.

Here are 21 funny quotes to highlight my point. Enjoy them all.

Funny quotes:

Smile today, because tomorrow could be worse. ~Anonymous
A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. ~Anonymous
I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it. ~Anonymous
You’re born free, then you’re taxed to death. ~Anonymous
He who wakes up early yawns all day long. ~Anonymous
I’m not lazy; I’m just very relaxed. ~Anonymous
Those who snore always fall asleep first. ~Anonymous
Stupidity is far more fascinating than intelligence; after all, intelligence has its limits. ~Anonymous
I just wanted you to know somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does. ~Anonymous
“Revenge” sounds so mean; that’s why I prefer to call it “Returning the favor.” ~Anonymous
The probability of meeting someone you know increases a hundredfold when you’re with someone you’re not supposed to be seen with. ~Anonymous
It’s alright if you don’t agree with me. I can’t force you to be right. ~Anonymous
To make a mistake is human, but to blame it on someone else, now that shows political skill. ~Anonymous
It may look like I’m doing nothing but in my head, I’m quite busy. ~Anonymous
When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn’t then go in through the window. ~Anonymous
Doing nothing is hard because you never know when you’re done. ~Anonymous
Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. ~Anonymous
I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food. I don’t even know where sandwiches live. ~Anonymous
Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I have problems, you’re there. Whenever I lose control, you’re there. Let’s face it, you’re bad luck. ~Anonymous
I don’t need anger management. You just need to stop making me angry! ~Anonymous
My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one. ~Anonymous

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So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these funny quotes made you smile, then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share them now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

5 jokes that will make anyone laugh to raise a smile

02/04/2024 by Roy Sutton

Are you looking for some jokes that will make anyone laugh, dear reader? Well, I can offer you five today that might just fit the bill. They’re nothing too naughty, but they might make you smile. I hope so, anyway.

If you do enjoy them, please feel free to share them.

Jokes that will make anyone laugh:

1. First time:

Bernadette was a young, single Catholic girl from Brooklyn.

One morning, Bernadette went to confession.

She went into the confessional box, knelt down, and spoke quietly.

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” said Bernadette.

“Go ahead, my child, what is this sin of which you speak?” Father Murphy, the parish priest, responded.

“Father,” said Bernadette, “it’s a little embarrassing.”

“Just take your time, my child,” said Father Murphy to reassure her.

“Well,” said Bernadette, “last night I made love with my boyfriend, Father. I couldn’t help myself. I swear it was the first time, but he was so charming, and he took me to heaven and back, Father. However, I’m not married, so I know it was a sin. I’ve come here now seeking absolution.”

Father Murphy thought momentarily and then said, “My child, I want you to say ten Hail Marys before you leave the church and then go home, fill a glass with vinegar, add two teaspoons full of mustard, stare it up, and then drink it all.”

“Yes, Father,” said Bernadette, a little confused. “And will that absolve me of this terrible sin?”

“No, my child,” Father Murphy responded, “but it will wipe the smile off your face!“

2. A lack of passion:

A retired couple, Rick and Diane, have been married for 30 years, but their marriage is not in a good place, so they go to see a counsellor.

When the counsellor asks what the problem is, Diane immediately bursts into a rant about how terrible everything is, listing every issue she’s ever had in the 30 years they’ve been married.

It was just an endless list of issues, one after another. She just kept banging on and on about why she was not happy.

The counsellor listened momentarily, and then he got up, went around the desk, embraced Diane and kissed her passionately.

Diane is stunned into silence and she just shuts up and sits quietly in a complete daze.

The counsellor then turns to Rick and says, “That’s what your wife needs and she needs it three times a week. Can you help her Rick?”

“Well,” says Rick, “I could bring her here on Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays, I play golf.”

3. Sheltered life:

Jim lived in a small town and had led a fairly sheltered life. So he decides it’s time to explore the world a bit.

He’d heard a lot about the wonders of the Big Apple, so he decided to visit New York City.

He’s wandering around Macy’s browsing when he spots a Thermos flask.

“What’s this?” Jim asks the clerk.

“Well,” said the clerk, “it’s a flask that keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

Now Jim may be a bit of a hayseed but he can see that such a flask could be very useful, so he buys one.

When he returns home, he takes the Thermos flask into the office to show his buddies.

“What is it?” they ask, in unison.

“It’s called a Thermos flask,” says Jim, “and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

“Wow!” says his buddy, Bill, “What have you got in there now?”

“Two cups of coffee and a choc ice,” says Jim.

4. White knuckle ride:

A New York City cab driver is driving down Broadway with a passenger heading for Battery Park.

The cab gets to a red light but the driver just goes straight through it.

The passenger sees what’s happened and shouts, “Hey buddy, be careful! I wanna get to Battery Park in one piece!”

“Hey, don’t worry,” says the cab driver. “My brother does it all the time.”

They get to the next junction, the light’s red, but the cab driver just sails on through again.

The passenger’s not happy. “Hey, buddy,” he shouts, “you’ll get us both killed.”

“My brother does it all the time, I’m telling you,” says the driver.

They get to the next junction and once again the light’s red but the driver doesn’t stop.

“You’ve gotta stop this!” screams the passenger.

“Chill out!” says the driver. “I told you, my brother does it all the time.”

They get to the 34th Street junction, the light’s green but the driver screeches to a halt.

“Hey buddy,” says the passenger, “the light’s green, why did you stop?”

“It’s 34th Street,” says the cab driver. “My brother lives on 34th Street and I’m not sure what time he starts work.”

5. Copying ancient texts:

At the Benedictine Monastery Paul, a novice Catholic monk arrives to prove his suitability for admission to the religious order.

After being given a little time to settle in, Paul’s asked to assist the other monks with copying ancient texts by hand.

Whilst he’s observing the process, Paul notices that the other monks are making their copies from documents which are themselves copies, not the original texts.

So Paul goes to the Abbot to raise his concerns.

“Reverend Father,” says Paul, “It appears the monks are making their copies from copies and not original texts. So if there were any mistakes made in those copies those mistakes will be repeated in the new copies.”

“Paul,” said the Abbot, “you make an important point. The Benedictine order has been making copies for centuries and the rules by which we live are defined in those ancient texts. I must investigate.”

With that, the Abbot goes down deep into the cellar of the monastery with one of the most recent copies and proceeds to check it very carefully against the original ancient text.

Several days pass and the monks have not seen the Abbot.

Eventually, Paul and the other monks decide that a group of them should go looking for him. So Paul leads a delegation down into the cellar.

As they’re walking down the ancient steps, they can hear the Abbot sobbing.

When they find him, still sobbing, Paul asks, “Reverend Father, what’s wrong?”

“You idiots!” the Abbot responds. “The word was CELEBRATE!”

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6 witty jokes that’ll definitely make you laugh

02/04/2024 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for some witty jokes that will make you laugh, then I’ve got six good ones here for you to enjoy today. Enjoy them all, and please feel free to pass them on.

Witty Jokes:

1. Rumblings in the night:

Bob was an American businessman on his first trip to London. He was really excited about the trip because he’d been invited to stay in a large stately home by the wealthy aristocratic family with whom he was doing business.

He was shown his room by his host, and he couldn’t help but be seriously impressed. The room was very grand and spacious, with a wonderful view. It also had an enormous wardrobe and a fabulous en-suite bathroom.

After a large evening meal and quite a few drinks with his host, Bob staggered back to his room late, feeling jet-lagged and a little tipsy, and immediately fell on his bed, still in his business suit. He was sound asleep within seconds.

However, at about 4 a.m., Bob was awakened suddenly by an urgent feeling that an uncontrollable bowel movement was imminent. The intestinal pressure was such that he realised he needed to move fast.

Despite feeling a little disoriented, he jumped off his bed in a flash, but there was no time to switch on the lights.

He could barely get to the bathroom quickly enough. Struggling to get his trousers down, he burst through the door and probed around with his hands in the dark trying to locate the toilet.

However, his bowels couldn’t contain the pressure any longer, and a foul-smelling intestinal load was dumped uncontrollably on the floor.

His brain struggled to come to terms with his surroundings and what had just happened. Well, he thought, at least it couldn’t get any worse.

Then he realised that he was standing in the walk-in wardrobe.

2. Presence of mind:

Jim’s wife accused him of hating all her family and relatives.

“Now, that’s not true,” said Jim.

“Then give me an example of a relative of mine that you actually like,” his wife, Jane, responded.

“Well, for a start, I like your mother-in-law much more than I like mine,” said Jim.

3. Unintended consequences:

Rick’s wealthy father was in such poor health that he had no more than a couple of months to live.

Recognizing that he would soon inherit his father’s fortune, Rick decided it was time for him to find himself a good woman with whom he could enjoy a wealthy lifestyle.

So, one evening, he visited a singles bar, where he immediately spotted a very beautiful woman sitting alone at a table in the corner.

This woman was truly stunning, and Rick couldn’t help being mesmerised by her beauty.

He walked over to her table and said, “Mam, I may not be the best-looking guy in this bar, but within a few months I will inherit a $100 million fortune, as sadly, my wealthy father’s dying.”

The woman was so impressed that she went home with Rick that evening.

Two weeks later, she became Rick’s stepmother.

Moral of the story: You underestimate women at your peril.

4. The ageing mind:

An old man named Bill realised that he needed to use the toilet.

So he got up and walked across the house to the pantry.

He couldn’t remember why he’d gone to the pantry, but he did remember that he needed to go to the toilet.

So he walked back across the house to the bathroom.

As he sat down on the throne, only then did he remember why he’d gone to the pantry.

Toilet paper!

5. How many wives:

Two little boys, Tim and Jerry, were at a wedding when Tim asked Jerry, “How many wives can a man have?”

To which, Jerry responded, “Sixteen!”

“Sixteen?” Tim asked. “How did you work that out?”

“Well,” said Jerry, “the priest has just said, four better, four worse, four richer and four poorer. So four times four is sixteen.”

6. Lateral thinking:

Four old High School buddies were on a road trip, staying in motels along the way. Naturally, to keep the cost down they’d just book two rooms and then share.

The problem was, no one wanted to share with Bob because they all knew he snored so loudly.

To make it fair, Tom, Dick and Harry agreed that they would take it in turns to spend the night in a room with Bob.

On the first night, Tom shared the room with Bob.

The following morning Tom arrived at breakfast, looking completely shattered.

“What happened to you?” asked Dick.

“Oh, it was awful,” said Tom. “Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up all night and watched him.”

The next night it was Dick’s turn to share with Bob.

The following morning Dick arrived at breakfast looking tired and his eyes were all bloodshot.

“Man, you look shattered,” said Tom. “I’m guessing Bob was making a lot of noise in the night?”

“Jeez,” said Dick, “He was making enough noise to wake the dead. I was awake all night just watching him.”

On the third night, it was Harry’s turn to share with Bob.

Harry was a wily old cowboy and a real man’s man.

The next morning Harry arrived at breakfast looking bright-eyed, fresh and well-rested.

“Good morning guys,” said Harry.

Tom and Dick couldn’t believe their eyes.

“How did you manage to sleep?” asked Tom.

“Well,” said Harry, “we got ready for bed, I went and tucked Bob in, then I kissed him goodnight. And he sat up all night watching me.”

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