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6 really funny jokes that will certainly make you smile

02/16/2024 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for some really funny jokes, then take a look at the six I’ve got for you today. They all made me smile, so I hope you’ll enjoy them too.

Take a few moments to enjoy them and feel free to pass them on to your friends.

Really Funny Jokes:

1. Flatulent Old Lady:

An old lady was having an embarrassing problem with bloating and gas, so she decided to see her physician.

“Hello Mrs Johnson,” said the doctor, “and what’s troubling you today?”

“Well Doctor Carmichael,” she responded, “I can’t stop breaking wind. Fortunately, they’re silent and they don’t smell but it does feel embarrassing. Honestly, I’ve farted several times whilst I’ve been sitting here. What can I do?”

The kindly doctor smiled at her and said, “Mrs Johnson just take these pills three times a day for seven days and then come back and see me as soon as you’ve finished the medication.“

One week later Mrs Johnson is back in the doctor’s office and is clearly unhappy.

“Doctor, I don’t know what was in those pills you gave me last week but my problem is even worse,” she said.

“In what way?” the doctor enquired.

“Well I’m still breaking wind just as much and they’re still silent,” she said, “but now the smell is terrible. I mean they really stink.”

“Excellent!” said the doctor. “That means we’ve fixed the problem with your sinuses. Now let’s see what we can do about your hearing.”

2. The Potato Peeler:

Sean was leaning against the counter in a Dublin bar enjoying a pint of Guinness when in walked his old friend Paddy looking decidedly glum.

“What’s the matter with you Patrick?” said Sean. “You’ve got a face on you like a wet weekend.”

“Oh, Sean,” he said. “I’ve just been fired from my job in the Fish & Chip shop.”

“You’ve been fired? Now, why would they do that to you, Patrick? What did you do that was so bad?” Sean enquired.

“Oh, I got caught putting my johnson in the potato peeler,” Paddy responded.

“My God! Patrick that’s terrible. What happened to the potato peeler?” Sean naturally enquired.

“Oh, she’s been fired too.” Said Paddy looking a little sheepish.

3. Farmer Jim’s Accident:

Farmer Jim decided to take the trucking company responsible for his accident to court because of the severity of his injuries.

Needless to say, the trucking company hired a fancy lawyer and whilst questioning Farmer Jim in the courtroom he enquired, “Is it not true that at the scene of the accident you said specifically, in front of witnesses, ‘I’m fine’?“

Farmer Jim responded, “Sir, let me tell you what happened. I had just loaded my best mule Bessie into the…….“

“I didn’t ask you for any details sir,” the lawyer interrupted, “Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’ Yes or No?”

Farmer Jim said, “Well, I’d just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….“

Once again, the lawyer was quick to interrupt Farmer Jim mid-sentence.

Looking at the Judge the lawyer said, “Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman at the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.“

Well as luck would have it, the judge was interested in what Farmer Jim had to say, so he said to the lawyer, “I’m sorry sir but I’d like to hear what this man has to say. So I would ask him to continue with his story.”

Jim thanked the Judge and continued.

“Well,” he said, “I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and I was driving her down the highway when this huge truck with a trailer ran the stop sign and T-boned my truck.”

“And then what happened?” The Judge enquired.

“Well, I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other,” Jim responded.

“And were you hurt?” The Judge asked.

“Yes,” said Jim. “I was hurting real bad and I didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.”

“And then what happened?” the Judge asked.

“Well, shortly after the accident the Highway Patrolman appeared at the scene,” Jim said.

“And what did he do?” the Judge responded.

“Well Your Honor, he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her momentarily he then took out his gun and shot her between the eyes,” said Jim.

“And did you say to the Highway Patrolman that you were fine?” The Judge asked.

“Well,” said Jim. “After he shot Bessie, he came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me and said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had no choice but to shoot her. How are you feeling?’”

4. You can’t win:

After 15 years of marriage, my wife complained frequently about my absent-minded habit of not putting the cap back on the toothpaste after I brushed my teeth.

It irritated her to the point where she’d embarrass me about it when we were out with friends.

So, naturally, I decided to change this bad habit to make my wife happy.

For a week, I made sure that I always replaced the cap on the toothpaste, every time I brushed my teeth.

I know it was a small gesture, but I thought my wife would at some point express her appreciation that I was at least trying to change my ways.

Yesterday we were out for dinner with friends when she suddenly remarked, “Why have you stopped brushing your teeth?“

Moral of the Story: Marriage can be a challenging relationship.

5. Day of Reckoning:

A Catholic priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates as St Peter processes the new arrivals to the Kingdom of Heaven.

Ahead of the priest in the queue is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, jeans and a leather jacket.

This guy gets to the front of the line and St Peter looks at his clipboard, looks the guy up and down and then asks, “Could you tell me your name please, so I may confirm whether you’re to be admitted to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

“Sure!” says the guy. “I’m Joe Cohen and I was a taxi driver in New York City.”

St Peter looks down his list and ticks off Joe Cohen’s name. He then smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and the golden staff Mr Cohen and you may enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

Joe Cohen smiles and walks through the Pearly Gates in his silken robe and carrying the golden staff, whilst it’s the priest’s turn with St Peter.

Before St Peter can utter a single word the priest says, “I’m Father Joseph O’Donnell and I have been the parish priest at St Andrews Roman Catholic Church in Manhattan for the past 40 years.”

Once again St Peter consults his clipboard, ticks off Father O’Donnell’s name and then says, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff father and you may enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

Having seen Joe Cohen receive a silken robe and a golden staff Father O’Donnell is left feeling a little short-changed.

“Hold it there, just a minute,” said Father O’Donnell. “How is it that Joe Cohen got silk and gold and yet I only get cotton and wood? How can this be? Surely there’s some mistake?”

“No mistake,” St Peter responded. “In heaven, we reward by results. When you gave your sermons your congregation slept. When Joe Cohen drove his taxi his passengers prayed.”

6. The Annual Check-up:

An 85-year-old man was visiting his doctor for his annual check-up.

“So Mr Jenkins, how are you keeping?” the doctor enquired.

“Doctor, I’ve never felt better,” Mr Jenkins responded. “I’ve even married my 18-year-old girlfriend recently and she’s now pregnant with my child. So, how about that then?”

The doctor considered this momentarily and then said, “Let me tell you a story, Mr Jenkins. A friend of mine was a keen hunter. One day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up an umbrella instead of his gun.”

“Really?” said Mr Jenkins.

“Yes,” said the doctor. “Anyway, he was in the woods when suddenly a very large grizzly bear appeared in front of him. He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?”

Dumbfounded the old man said, “No Doc, what?”

“The bear dropped dead in front of him,” the doctor replied.

“No Doc, that can’t be right.” said the old man. “That’s impossible! Someone else must have shot the bear.”

The doctor smiled and said, “Exactly!

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes?

If any of these really funny jokes made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share it now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

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Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, Black Humor, fun, funny, Hilarious, humor, humour, jokes, Life, smile, Stress-free

4 Hilariously Funny Short Story Jokes

02/12/2024 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for some hilariously funny short story jokes, dear reader, then I’ve got four today that you might just enjoy.

Take a few moments to check them out, and then please feel free to pass them on to your friends.

Hilariously funny short story jokes:

1. Jackie and the Game Warden:

Steve and Jackie went on vacation to a fishing resort in Montana.

Steve was a keen fisherman, and he liked to go out fishing early in the morning. Whereas when she’s on vacation, Jackie prefers to just relax and read a book.

One morning, after a few hours of fishing on the lake, Steve returned in his boat and, feeling a little tired by now, decided to take a midday nap.

At this point, Jackie is feeling in need of a little fresh air, and though unfamiliar with their boat, she decided to take it out onto the lake.

So she motored out a short distance, anchored the boat, and then continued reading her book in the peace and tranquility of this beautiful part of the world.

Jackie’s sitting and reading for about half an hour when suddenly the Game Warden’s boat pulls up next to her boat.

“Good day, mam,” said the Game Warden. “What are you doing?”

“I’m reading a book,” Jackie replied.

“Mam, do you realize that you’re in a restricted fishing area?” said the Game Warden.

“Does that really matter?” said Jackie. “I’m not fishing; I’m reading.”

The Game Warden cast his experienced eye over her boat and then said, “Mam, I can see your boat has all the equipment for fishing. For all I know, you could start at any moment. I’m afraid I’ll have to write you up a ticket.”

Jackie smiled and then said, “Officer, if you do that, I will file a complaint against you for sexual assault.”

Surprised and slightly concerned by her response, the Game Warden said, “Mam, what do you mean? I haven’t laid a finger on you.”

“Perhaps,” said Jackie, “but you have all the equipment to do so. For all I know, you could start at any moment.”

“You have a nice day, mam”, said the Game Warden, as he re-started his engine and sailed away, leaving Jackie to her reading.

Moral of the Story: Don’t mess with women. You won’t win.

2. The silent treatment:

Frank and his wife, Liz, were giving each other the silent treatment after an argument.

This had gone on for 10 days when Frank realized he needed her to wake him the following morning at 5 a.m. so he could catch the 8 a.m. flight to Los Angeles for a very important business meeting.

However, Frank didn’t want to be the first to break the silence, so he left a note on her bedside table that read, “Please wake me at 5 a.m.”

The next morning, he woke up only to find it was already 9 a.m. So he’d missed his flight to Los Angeles.

Frank was furious, and he was about to ask his wife why she hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper on his bedside table. It read, “It’s 5 a.m. Wake up.”

Moral of the Story: Don’t mess with women. You won’t win.

3. A woman’s contribution:

One evening, Bill returned home from work only to find his home completely wrecked and upside down. Everything was a complete mess.

Bill’s three young children were still in their pyjamas, eating snacks from the fridge. The entrance rug, normally in the hall, was lying on the table. The television in the living room was blasting out cartoons loudly. And every item of furniture in the room was covered in stuff.

He walked into the kitchen only to find that the sink was full of dishes. Leftovers from breakfast were scattered all over the counter, and it was covered in crumbs too.

So Bill immediately ran up the stairs, dodging toys and piles of clothes, fearing his wife might be gravely ill or that some other misfortune might have happened to her.

When he entered their bedroom, breathless, Bill found his wife lying happily in bed, still in her pyjamas, reading a book.

Watching him struggle for breath, she smiled and said, “Hello, honey, how was your day?”

Feeling more than surprised and a little confused, Bill asked his wife, “What’s going on? What the hell has been happening here today?“

Once again, Bill’s wife smiled and said, “Remember that argument we had last night when you hurtfully asked me what the hell I did all day?”

“Ehhhh, yes, I think so”, said Bill, still slightly confused.

“Well today I didn’t do any of it, so now you know,” his wife responded.

Moral of the Story: Don’t mess with women. You won’t win.

4. It could be worse:

Jim’s walking past his son Tim’s room when he notices it’s incredibly clean and neat. As Tim’s not usually quite so fastidious in matters of housekeeping, Jim is naturally suspicious. So, he enters the room, and immediately he notices that there is a note on Tim’s bed addressed to Dad.

Nervously, Jim picks up the letter and opens it.

The letter reads,

“Dear Dad, I’ve run away with Betsy. She’s 20 years older than me, but I love her. We had to elope because she’s pregnant with my child. As we didn’t have enough money, I stole some from your wallet. We’re going to live in the woods below the Santa Monica Mountains, where she has a trailer, and where we will be growing marijuana and trading drugs with the local community. Once we have enough money, we’ll be able to get her the treatment she needs for AIDS. We plan to have at least eight children, and once we’re settled, we’ll visit you each year.

If you’ve read this far, Dad, don’t worry; I’m just kidding around. I’m hanging out at Mikey’s place. I just wanted you to realise that there are worse things than my report card, which you’ll find on my desk if you want to read it. Call me when it’s safe to head back home. Love you, Tim.”

Moral of the Story: Don’t mess with your kids. You won’t win with them either.

I hope you found these jokes as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh. If so, click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today, then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

So go on, please do it now. I’ll be ever so grateful.

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7 lame jokes funny enough to make you laugh

02/11/2024 by Roy Sutton

If you enjoy lame jokes, dear reader, then I’ve got some great ones for you today. I’m confident that at least some of these will make you laugh.

Enjoy them all and feel free to share them with your friends.

Lame Jokes:

1. Miscommunication:

Betty is sitting on the porch with her husband sipping a glass of wine.

“I love you so much,” says Betty. “In fact, I doubt if I could live without you. Not even for a single day.”

Her husband, Jim, is flattered and almost speechless. His wife had never shown him quite so much affection.

“Oh, Betty, I didn’t know you cared so much,” said Jim.

“Oh, yes,” said Betty, “this wine is really very special to me.”

2. Two wishes:

Jake and Maggie are a married couple in their sixties and one day they’re visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.

“I want to travel around the world with my darling husband,” says Maggie.

“Your wish is granted,” says the fairy.

Then there’s a POOF sound and miraculously two tickets for a luxury cruise appear in Maggie’s hand.

“I’m sorry,” says Jake, “but my wish is to have a wife that’s 30 years younger than me.”

“Your wish is granted,” says the fairy.

With that, the fairy waves a wand and miraculously Jake is transformed into a 92-year-old.

Moral of the Story: Ungrateful men should remember that fairies are female and loyal to the sisterhood.

3. Shot of whiskey:

Jim drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed.

After years of this, his wife, Elaine is worried about him and wants him to quit.

Naturally, Elaine wants to ensure that Jim really understands why she’s concerned.

As they’re sitting at the table, Elaine says to him, “Jim, dear, we need to talk.”

With that, she places two shot glasses on the table and fills one with water and the other with whiskey.

“Now, Jim, I want you to watch what happens next,” says Elaine.

With that, she takes two worms from his fishing-bait box and puts one in each of the shot glasses.

The worm in the water starts swimming around in the glass.

Sadly, the worm in the whiskey dies immediately.

Feeling she’s made her point, Elaine says, “So, Jim, what do you have to say about this little experiment?”

“Well dear, that’s obvious,” says Jim. “If I keep drinking whiskey, I won’t get worms.”

4. Little Johnny Joke:

Little Johnny is sitting in his math class and the teacher asks him, “Johnny, how many feet are there in a yard?”

Little Johnny thinks momentarily and then responds, “Well, miss, that would depend on how many people are standing in the yard.”

5. The pharmacist:

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

“Mam,” says the pharmacist, “I have to ask you what it’s for?”

“I want to kill my husband,” the woman responds.

“I’m sorry, mam,” says the pharmacist, “but I can’t let you have it for that.”

With that, the woman shows the pharmacist a photograph of his wife in bed with her husband.

The pharmacist studies the photograph momentarily and then says, “Oh, right, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

6. The reptile house:

Towards the end of a hectic day at the zoo, staff tried to tidy up as quickly as possible before closing for the evening.

In their haste to finish their work in the reptile house, the glass tanks were left open by mistake.

Within minutes dozens of snakes had escaped.

With some highly venomous snakes on the loose, the head keeper was desperately trying to round them up, with little to no success.

Eventually, the head keeper turned to his assistant and said, “It’s no use, I’ll have to call a politician.”

“A politician?” the assistant exclaimed, a little bewildered. “How will a politician help us now?”

“Well,” said the head keeper, “we need someone who can speak their language.”

7. The miracle:

One morning, a disabled man hobbled into St Patrick’s Catholic Church on crutches.

The man stopped in front of the font, dipped a cupped hand into the holy water and then started splashing and rubbing holy water on both of his legs.

When he’d finished, he threw away his crutches.

Watching this event was an altar boy, who was truly amazed by this act which demonstrated the power of belief in God.

Immediately, the boy ran into the rectory to tell Father O’Connor, the Parish priest, what he’d seen.

“Son,” said Father O’Connor, “what you’ve just witnessed is a miracle. Tell me, where is this man now?”

“Flat on his ass, over there by the holy water,” said the boy.

So dear reader, was this post worth a few minutes of your time? Did you enjoy these lame jokes? Were they the ‘full groan‘?

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If you did enjoy this post then please share it with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

Thank you for your support.

10 funny but stupid jokes that’ll tickle your children

02/06/2024 by Roy Sutton

One of life’s great joys is sharing a laugh with children.

There’s nothing quite as infectious as a child laughing uncontrollably. I’m sure you’ll agree with that, dear reader.

All you need is a little ammunition in the form of a book of stupid jokes, and you’re well on your way to creating memories that will last a lifetime.

I recently stumbled upon a hilarious book that works well with young children.

The book is Smarties Big Book of Stupid Jokes by Michael Powell, and I think it’s hilarious. It’s stuffed full of the sort of stupid jokes you’d find in Christmas crackers.

It contains an excellent collection of over 2,500 hilariously funny and silly jokes, all guaranteed to get a child laughing.

So take a break from the smartphones and iPads and you can have hours of fun making your children laugh and showing them there’s life beyond electronic gadgets.

Each joke has a simple two-line structure, poking fun at everything from addled animals to witless wizards. These are jokes that children will love, and they’ll be eager to share them with their friends.

This collection of jokes will allow children to dazzle their friends, disarm their enemies, and impress their teachers.

And remember, if a child has a stock of jokes to tell, then they’ll always be popular with their peer group.

So I’ve got to tell you, dear reader, you can’t lose with this book. It’s inexpensive and a sure-fire winner.

Allow me to offer you some examples of the wit and humour that you’ll find between the covers of Smarties Big Book of Stupid Jokes by Michael Powell:

Stupid jokes just for you:

What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals

Why do cows lie down when it’s cold?
To keep each udder warm

Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angel fish

Why don’t bears wear socks?
Because they like to walk in their bear feet

What’s black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra

What’s out of bounds?
An exhausted kangaroo

Why are anteaters good workers?
Because a little aardvark never hurt anyone

Why shouldn’t you tell a pig a secret?
Because pigs are squealers

What do porcupines have that other animals don’t?
Baby porcupines

Why did the chicken walk on the telephone wire?
She wanted to lay it on the line

The book Smarties Big Book of Stupid Jokes by Michael Powell is available from Amazon and if you’d like to take a look inside or purchase a copy, then just CLICK HERE

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So dear reader, was this post worth a few minutes of your time?

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21 funny quotes you’ll absolutely love

02/05/2024 by Roy Sutton

I love quotes, and I love those funny quotes that make you smile and make you think.

Here are 21 funny quotes to highlight my point. Enjoy them all.

Funny quotes:

Smile today, because tomorrow could be worse. ~Anonymous
A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. ~Anonymous
I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it. ~Anonymous
You’re born free, then you’re taxed to death. ~Anonymous
He who wakes up early yawns all day long. ~Anonymous
I’m not lazy; I’m just very relaxed. ~Anonymous
Those who snore always fall asleep first. ~Anonymous
Stupidity is far more fascinating than intelligence; after all, intelligence has its limits. ~Anonymous
I just wanted you to know somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does. ~Anonymous
“Revenge” sounds so mean; that’s why I prefer to call it “Returning the favor.” ~Anonymous
The probability of meeting someone you know increases a hundredfold when you’re with someone you’re not supposed to be seen with. ~Anonymous
It’s alright if you don’t agree with me. I can’t force you to be right. ~Anonymous
To make a mistake is human, but to blame it on someone else, now that shows political skill. ~Anonymous
It may look like I’m doing nothing but in my head, I’m quite busy. ~Anonymous
When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn’t then go in through the window. ~Anonymous
Doing nothing is hard because you never know when you’re done. ~Anonymous
Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. ~Anonymous
I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food. I don’t even know where sandwiches live. ~Anonymous
Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I have problems, you’re there. Whenever I lose control, you’re there. Let’s face it, you’re bad luck. ~Anonymous
I don’t need anger management. You just need to stop making me angry! ~Anonymous
My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one. ~Anonymous

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So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these funny quotes made you smile, then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share them now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

10 funny jokes guaranteed to have you howling with laughter

01/30/2024 by Roy Sutton

If you enjoy a good laugh then these funny jokes are just for you. These 10 funny jokes are guaranteed to make you laugh. So sit back, relax and enjoy them all.

And once you’ve enjoyed them, please feel free to pass them on.

Funny Jokes:

1. The Tiny Pianist:

A guy walks into a New York bar pushing a small suitcase on wheels.

He takes a seat at the bar and then he begins to open the suitcase carefully.

With the suitcase open, he takes out the tiniest piano you’ve ever seen and places it on the bar. The bartender watches him, a little puzzled.

The guy then reaches back into the suitcase and takes out a tiny man. This little man is no taller than ten inches high and the guy then seats him at the tiny piano.

The tiny man then begins to play a piece by Chopin on the piano in a way that is both enchanting and absolutely beautiful.

The bartender walks up to the guy and says “Gee, where did you get the tiny pianist? He’s brilliant.“

The guy puts his hand back into his suitcase again and pulls out an old magic lamp, which he then hands to the bartender.

He says to the bartender, “Here, rub this and make a wish.“

The bartender says, “Are you serious?”

The guy says, “Sure, go ahead.”

So the bartender rubs the lamp and says “I wish for a million bucks!“

There is a loud ‘poof’ sound before a million ducks start marching into the bar.

The bartender looks at the man and says, “Buddy, I think your magic lamp is broken.“

The guy looks at him, smiles then says, “Tell me something I don’t know. You don’t really think I asked for a 10-inch pianist do you?“

2. An engineer goes to Hell:

An engineer dies and suddenly finds himself standing at the Pearly Gates, in front of Saint Peter who’s holding a clipboard.

Saint Peter takes a few moments to review his list and then says to the engineer, “I’m sorry old boy but you’re not on the list. That means you’ll have to go down below I’m afraid.”

The engineer is a little disheartened but trudges off in search of the gates to Hell.

When he arrives in Hell he’s less than impressed. It’s hot, it’s smelly and it’s very miserable.

However, being an engineer, he’s very resourceful. So immediately he decides to take action to improve his situation.

He realises that if he’s to be comfortable he must do something about the heat. So he decides to install air conditioning. Once he gets that working, everything cools down quite quickly and it’s all a little bit more pleasant.

Installing the air conditioning proved to be thirsty work but there aren’t any cold drinks. So the engineer decides to install refrigeration and before you know it everyone in Hell is able to relax with a cold beer.

When he’s got everyone cool and the beer cold, the engineer realises they don’t have any entertainment. So he decides to install cable television. Before you know it they’re all enjoying hundreds of television channels.

Suddenly life in Hell is getting quite pleasant and the engineer is becoming a popular guy. Well, why wouldn’t he be? He’s constantly using his skills to make life better for everyone.

Anyway, one day, God has reason to phone the Devil. Needless to say, God can’t resist having a little fun at the Devil’s expense.

“So how’s it all going down there, Devil? Still hot and miserable?” says God.

To which the Devil replies, “Well actually things are great down here right now. Since you sent us that engineer we’ve been able to upgrade our facilities substantially.“

God is annoyed and cannot conceal his irritation, saying, “What? You’ve got an engineer? How did that happen? There’s always a place for engineers up here in Heaven, we need their skills. There must be some mistake”

Now it’s the Devil who feels he’s the one who can have a little fun and he responds with a laugh, “Well he’s here with us now and we’re pleased to have him.”

“Send him up here right now,” says God,

The Devil’s having none of it, and he responds, “No way! We’re keeping him. He’s far too useful to let go.“

God decides it’s time to apply a little pressure, so he says, “Look Devil, either you send him up here to me immediately or I’ll have no choice but to sue you!“

The Devil falls about laughing and says, “And where will you find a lawyer?“

3. The Bear and the Rabbit:

A bear was chasing a rabbit through the forest.

They ran into a clearing and the bear chased the rabbit around a giant redwood tree where, as luck would have it, a genie lived.

The genie got so tired of the noise they were making that finally he came out and told them both that he would grant them both three wishes if they’d just agree to go away and leave him in peace.

Naturally, the pair agreed. Who wouldn’t want three wishes after all?

So, the bear said he’d go first. “I wish from now on that every bear in this forest is both female and very, very horny.“

The genie granted him his wish.

The rabbit just grinned and simply asked for a motorcycle crash helmet.

The genie granted him his wish too. There was a ‘poof’ sound and then in the rabbit’s paw was a top of the range motorcycle crash helmet.

The bear was somewhat puzzled by the rabbit’s request but he continued nevertheless with his second wish. “I wish from now that on every bear in the whole country is both female and very, very horny!“

The genie granted the bear his second wish.

Again the rabbit grinned and then he said that his second wish was for a Harley Davidson motorcycle.

This wish was granted too and again there was a ‘poof’ sound and suddenly there in the forest stood a gleaming Harley Davidson.

The rabbit jumped on the Harley; put his helmet on and then started gunning the hog.

The bear looked at the rabbit, smiled and said, “You must be the dumbest rabbit I’ve ever met!“

It was time for the bear’s final wish, so he said, “I wish from now on that every bear in the whole world is both female and very, very horny!“

The genie granted him his third and final wish. “Rest assured”, the genie said to the bear, “every bear you will ever meet from now on will be both female and very, very horny.”

The bear looked very pleased with himself.

The genie then looked at the rabbit and said, “So, what’s your final wish?”

The rabbit laughed out loud and said, “I wish that from now on the bear is gay.“

With that, the rabbit gunned the hog and disappeared into the sunset.

4. The Taxidermist:

A guy walks into a redneck bar in Texas.

A couple of cross-eyed, local boys are playing Dueling Banjos on their guitars, guns in holsters by their sides.

Other mean-looking guys, similarly armed, are just sitting around, drinking and they start staring at the stranger in their midst. There’s tension in the air.

The bartender looks at the stranger and says, “What’ll it be, boy?”

The guy says, “I’ll have a white wine spritzer, please.”

The tension in the bar increases noticeably, the other customers are getting twitchy and hands start reaching for their guns.

The bartender looks at the stranger and says, “With a pussy drink like that I’m guessing you ain’t from around here are ya boy? Where ya from?“

The guy says, “Well actually, I’m from Iowa.“

The bartender frowns at him and says, “Iowa? And what the heck you do in Iowa boy?“

The guy tries to lighten the tension with a smile and then he says, “I’m a taxidermist?“

The bartender gives him a puzzled look and says, “You’re a taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist boy?“

Starting to feel a bit nervous, the guy responds, “I mount animals.“

The bartender grins and shouts out to everyone in the bar, “It’s okay boys, he’s one of us!“

5. Two accountants:

Two accountants go to their local bank during their lunch break.

They’re both standing in line when suddenly four masked and armed robbers burst in through the door.

One of the robbers yells, “Don’t anyone move. We’ve got guns and we’ll use them. Cooperate and you won’t get hurt.”

Two of the robbers then go to the counter with four very large but empty leather bags and one says to the tellers, “Fill these bags with cash and be quick about it.”

While the tellers nervously fill the bags with cash, the other two robbers line all the customers, including the two accountants, up against a wall.

One robber walks along the line waving his gun menacingly in their faces and he shouts, “Right I want your wallets, your cash, your watches, and any other valuables you’ve got and I want them all now. And if you don’t give me everything you’ve got I’ll shoot you dead!”

As this is all going on one accountant stuffs something into the hand of his colleague.

Without looking down, his colleague whispers, “What’s this?“

The accountant whispers back, “It’s that $50 I owe you.“

6. Escaped convict:

A convict escapes from Folsom State Prison where he’s been locked up for 15 Years. He’s on the run and in need of food, money and a gun. So he decides to break into a house, where he thinks he might find at least some of these things. Walking along an affluent street he spots a house that he thinks looks perfect.

He forces the back door open and steps inside. As he wanders through the house, he finds a young couple in bed. Naturally, they’re both very frightened.

He orders the naked woman out of bed and ties her to a chair.

He then ties her husband to the bed.

The convict then goes back to the woman and straddling her lap, he puts his head close to the woman’s ear and whispers something before kissing her on the cheek. He then stands up and goes into their bathroom.

While the convict is in the bathroom, the husband whispers over to his wife: “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he straddled your lap and kissed you on the cheek. He’s horny. Just do whatever he asks of you. You mustn’t resist and don’t complain. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously dangerous. If he gets angry, he could kill us both. So be strong, honey. I love you!”

There was a sigh of relief from the woman as she whispered back, “When he whispered in my ear, he told me he was gay and he said he thinks you’re really cute. He said he’s very horny and he wanted to know if we had any more condoms. I told him there were some in the bathroom cabinet. I knew you see reason, honey. You be strong. I love you too and I appreciate the sacrifice you’ll be making.”

7. Thick Nick:

Bill was a straight-A student at High School but 20 years later his career has been less than stellar.

Still, when he gets an invitation to a High School reunion he decides to go anyway.

Well, he figures he hasn’t seen any of his school buddies since those far off days and it might be fun at least to see how some of the class losers have gotten on since then. They might provide him with something to laugh at and feel good about himself.

When he arrives at the reunion the first guy he bumps into is Jack.

Now, this makes Bill a little bit apprehensive. Jack had been a friend of his at school but he’d also been voted the student most likely to succeed. So Bill figured that Jack must at least be the CEO of a large multinational corporate organization by now.

Well, Jack’s career too had not quite lived up to expectations either.

He’s now the manager of the local Credit Union. A decent job perhaps but hardly exceptional. Nevertheless, it leaves Bill feeling a little bit more relaxed. Maybe he hadn’t done so badly after all?

As Bill and Jack stand outside the entrance to their old High School, swapping stories about their lives since schooldays, suddenly a brand new Lamborghini Veneno roars into the parking lot.

This is $5 million worth of supercar and Bill and Jack are stunned. Who could this be? Surely it couldn’t be one of their old classmates?

As they stand there open-mouthed, the car door opens and out steps Nick.

Now had there been a vote at school for the student least likely to succeed then Nick would have won it by a country mile and then some. He really was thick, academically, and unsurprisingly his fellow students all knew him as ‘Thick Nick’.

Bill and Jack couldn’t understand how Nick is doing so well. So they engage him in conversation to find out more.

Jack says to him, “Hey Nick, that car’s awesome. How come you’re doing so well.”

Nick responds and says, “Well Jack, when I failed to graduate High School I couldn’t get a job after I left, so I started my own business.”

So Bill says, “Wow Nick, how come your business is so successful?”

Nick smiles and says, “Well I sell this really popular product which I can buy for $2 a pop and I can sell it for $5 a pop. And I can sell it by the truckload. You wouldn’t believe it. It’s amazing how much money you can make with a 3% mark-up.”

MORAL OF THE STORY: Nick may still be thick but lack of academic success at school is never a barrier to financial success in life. And academic success does not guarantee financial success either.

8. The Indian businessman:

An Indian businessman, Rajesh Bhatia, walks into a bank in the City of London and asks to see the Loans Officer.

Mr Bhatia explains that he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and he needs to borrow £5000.

The Loans officer says that whilst it’s possible, the bank would need something substantial as security against the loan.

Mr Bhatia responds by saying he’d be happy to hand over the keys to his new Rolls Royce, which cost £250,000, as security against the loan.

“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says Mr Bhatia, “and I have all the necessary papers here.”

The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. After which Mr Bhatia departs with his money, leaving the Loans officer, the bank’s manager and all their colleagues enjoying a good laugh at Mr Bhatia for using a £250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a £5,000 loan.

One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later Mr Bhatia returns from Europe and repays the £5000 as well as the interest, which comes to £16.81.

As he prepares a receipt, the Loans Officer asks quizzically, “Sir, I must say, we’re all a little bit puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a very wealthy man and a multimillionaire. So why would you bother to borrow £5,000?“

Mr Bhatia replies, “Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £16.81?“

9. The rare centipede:

Whilst out hiking, a guy finds a rare but long and poisonous centipede.

The guy is amazed by what he’s found and naturally, he wants to show this rare creature to his drinking buddies. So he captures the centipede and places it carefully in a ventilated box.

Once he gets it home, the guy decides he wants to take the centipede to his local bar immediately. So he taps on the box and says, “Would you like to go to Jimmy’s Bar with me and have a beer?“

There’s no answer from the centipede.

The guy waits a few moments and then says, “What do you think? Would you like to go to my local bar and meet my buddies?“

Again, there’s no answer.

Thinking the centipede can’t hear him, the man gets right up close to the box this time and yells, “Hey! Would you like to go to Jimmy’s Bar and have a drink with me?“

A little voice comes out of the box, “I heard you the first time! I’m still putting my shoes on.“

10. Collision course:

The captain of a large US naval aircraft carrier is on the bridge when on his radar he spots what he believes to be another vessel, with which his ship is now on a collision course.

The captain immediately gets on his open channel radio and says, “This is the USS Pittsburgh and you’re on a collision course with this ship. You must take immediate action and change course.”

In response, the captain hears a man with a Spanish accent but speaking perfect English say, “No sir, I’m sorry but it’s your vessel that must change course.”

The captain is irritated by this response and says, “This is Captain James Munroe, captain of the USS Pittsburgh, the largest ship in the US fleet. You are a maritime hazard sir and I will report you to the authorities unless you change course now.”

There’s silence momentarily and then the captain hears the response, “This is a lighthouse. Your call.”

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25 funny short jokes to brighten your day

01/24/2024 by Roy Sutton

Life can be tough for everyone, don’t you think?

It can be stressful at times too.

When life is getting you down, laughter is always the best medicine. In fact, laughter is always great medicine, regardless of how you’re feeling.

However, the problem can be finding the time to go in search of a laugh or two.

Well, don’t worry, dear reader, because I’ve done the work for you.

I’ve been digging around looking for funny short jokes that might just help readers relax a little.

So today I offer you 25 great funny short jokes that are guaranteed to brighten your day.

Well, perhaps not all of them. However, I’m confident that most of them will brighten your day.

They’re all quick to read, and if at least some of them don’t make you smile, then nothing will.

So take a few minutes for yourself and enjoy these funny short jokes right now.

Funny short jokes:

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive
They’d find me attractive by now

Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ Catholic

Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley
One was assaulted

What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller

My girlfriend accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife

A man asked me for a donation towards the local swimming pool
So I gave him a glass of water

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage
I lost my case

What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker?
Hop in

What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner

If you give an alligator a GPS
Does that make it a navigator?

How do trees get online?
They just log in

What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell

Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide?
Because it’s always spotted

I don’t know what Armageddon means
So what? It’s not the end of the world

I’ve been told I’m condescending
(That means talking down to people)

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?
A Maybe

Why go to the paint store when you’re on a diet?
You can get thinner there

How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west

Why shouldn’t you fall in love with a pastry chef?
He’ll dessert you

What do cats like to eat for breakfast?
Mice Krispies

What do you call the cat that was caught by the police?
The purrpatrator

I went bobsleighing the other day
And I managed to kill 250 bobs

People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones
But people in Abu Dhabi do!

You may think it’s romantic to carve our names on this tree
But I have to ask, why did you bring a knife on our first date?

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35 witty quotes from funny people you’ll love

01/22/2024 by Roy Sutton

I love witty quotes from the funniest people, and I always make a note of the best ones in my journal.

Today, I thought I’d share some of them with you, dear reader.

Here are 35 of the best witty quotes from some very funny people, and I hope you enjoy them all. Certainly, I did.

Witty quotes:

One in four frogs is a leapfrog. ~Chris Turner
My cat is recovering from a massive stroke. ~Darren Walsh
A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it. ~Ross Smith
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring. ~Leo Kearse
I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister. ~Will Marsh
Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day. ~Christian Talbot
I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day. ~Aatif Nawaz
Thing is, we all just want to belong. But some of us are short. ~Lou Sanders
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat. ~Joe Lycett
Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~ Jordan Brookes
A rescue cat is like recycled toilet paper. Good for the planet, but scratchy. ~Chris Turner
Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy. ~Richard Stott
I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe
Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open. ~Paul F. Taylor
I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed. ~Olaf Falafel
I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years. ~Alfie Moore
My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young, he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs. ~Rhys James
My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief. ~Mark Watson
One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, ‘Ah well, you only live once.” ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase. ~Rob Beckett
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of angry birds. Bad example. ~Bridget Christie
The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much’. ~Andrew Bird
I’m sure wherever my Dad is: he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending. ~Jack Whitehall
Oh my god, mega drama the other day: My dishwasher stopped working! Yup, his visa expired. ~Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop
It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel
Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him’. ~Carey Marx
I don’t have the Protestant work ethic, I have the Catholic work ethic; in that, I don’t work but I do feel very guilty about that. ~Rory O’Keeffe
I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it. ~Adele Cliff
When I found out the amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my permission I was fluming. ~Olaf Falafel
I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, ‘Hurry up!’ because I didn’t want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, ‘The 17-year-old defendant, who hasn’t been named’. ~Jenny Collier
I just bought underwater headphones and it’s made me loads faster. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times. ~Felicity Ward
I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting. ~Paddy Lennox

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15 funny work quotes that will certainly resonate with you

01/21/2024 by Roy Sutton

Today I thought it would be amusing to explore some funny work quotes.

Personally, I love my work. I love having a sense of purpose and something to get me out of bed each day.

However, not everyone feels the way I do and anyway, it’s never a good idea to take anything too seriously.

Occasionally we must laugh at the nature of human existence. And a good place to start laughing is with the subject of work.

Love it or hate it, it dominates all our lives nevertheless. So today I’ve pulled together 15 funny work quotes to make you smile.

Once again these quotes come from many sources but one, in particular, I must acknowledge and that’s Cool Funny Quotes where you’ll find some of these and many more besides. So check it out.

Funny work quotes:

Hard work never killed anybody but why take a chance? ~Edgar Bergen
I don’t work on weekends or any other day that ends with “Y”. ~Author Unknown
The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television. ~Author Unknown
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. ~Groucho Marx
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. ~The Simpsons
If A is success in life, then A is equal to X plus Y plus Z. Where X is work; Y is play, and Z is keeping your mouth shut. ~Albert Einstein (well, maybe!)
As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Payday, lunchtime, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement. ~Tom Goins
If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter. ~John Gotti
If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential that word would be ‘meetings.’ ~Dave Barry
He’s so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor. ~Paddy O’Dea
Why is Monday so far from Friday and Friday so close to Monday? ~Author Unknown
Got to work this morning and my boss told me ‘have a good day’, so I went home and had a great day! ~Author Unknown
Work is just something I’m doing until I win the lottery. ~Author Unknown
Sometimes the best part of my job is that my chair swivels. ~Author Unknown
I once had a job in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate. ~Author Unknown

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34 corny but very clever one-liners that’ll crack you up

01/20/2024 by Roy Sutton

Whenever I post some clever one-liners, I always get an enormous response from readers. Clearly, they’re very popular with you.

So to satisfy demand, I thought I’d collect another batch for your amusement.

Here are 34 definitely corny but still very clever one-liners which I’m confident will crack you up. So enjoy them all and feel free to share this post with your friends. If some of these jokes made you laugh, then they’ll probably make your friends laugh.

However, relax and enjoy them all first.

Clever one-liners:

A life in politics is full of parties.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
Coming up with weather puns is a breeze.
I love jokes about eyes, the cornea the better.
What do you call a small mother? A minimum.
I met a girl on a dating site and we just clicked.
I did have a joke about vacuums, but it sucked.
When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Pollen is when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
I used to be a shoe salesman until they gave me the boot.
I’ve started sleeping in our fireplace. Now I sleep like a log!
How do you make a hotdog stand? You take the seat away.
I hate negative numbers. I’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Shout out to people who don’t know what the opposite of in is!
I used to build stairs for a living, it’s an up and down business.
Shout out to people who don’t know what the opposite of in is!
Archaeologists are always broke because their careers lie in ruins.
Claustrophobic people are more productive in thinking outside the box.
What do you call an imaginary color? A pigment of your imagination.
I decided to get some Velcro for my shoes instead of laces. Why knot?
I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.
My sister said she didn’t understand cloning. I said that makes two of us.
My tailor’s happy to make a pair of pants for me or at least, sew it seams.
I got a reversible jacket for my birthday. I can’t wait to see how it turns out.
Wounds heal better if they are covered. This is an example of gauze and effect.
I wasn’t originally going to get a heart transplant but then I had a change of heart.
Why can’t you take anything balloons say seriously? They’re always full of hot air!
I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell. Looking at it now, I see why.
This guy quit his job at the donut factory because he was fed up with the whole business.
Running in front of a car will make you tired but running behind one is exhausting.
My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she’d just ironed. I watched it all unfold.
A teacher asked her student, “Are you ignorant or just apathetic?” The kid answers, “I don’t know and I don’t care.”
My husband passed away in the hospital when I couldn’t remember his blood type. His last words to me were, “Be positive!”

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Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, Brilliant one liner quotes, Clever one liners, fun, funny, Hilarious, humor, humour, quotes

Really Funny Jokes:

1. Flatulent Old Lady:

2. The Potato Peeler:

3. Farmer Jim’s Accident:

4. You can’t win:

5. Day of Reckoning:

6. The Annual Check-up:

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Hilariously funny short story jokes:

1. Jackie and the Game Warden:

2. The silent treatment:

3. A woman’s contribution:

4. It could be worse:

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Lame Jokes:

1. Miscommunication:

2. Two wishes:

3. Shot of whiskey:

4. Little Johnny Joke:

5. The pharmacist:

6. The reptile house:

7. The miracle:

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Stupid jokes just for you:

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Funny quotes:

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Funny Jokes:

1. The Tiny Pianist:

2. An engineer goes to Hell:

3. The Bear and the Rabbit:

4. The Taxidermist:

6. Escaped convict:

7. Thick Nick:

8. The Indian businessman:

9. The rare centipede:

10. Collision course:

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Funny short jokes:

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Witty quotes:

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Funny work quotes:

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