9 short jokes anyone can remember

02/01/2024 by

short-jokes-anyone-can-rememberLooking for some short jokes anyone can remember, dear reader? Well, I’ve got 9 little gems here for you today. Enjoy them all.

And please feel free to pass them on.

Short Jokes Anyone Can Remember

1. Eye-catching:

A guy walks into a hotel restaurant, and, as he’s being seated, he notices a very attractive woman at the next table.

Suddenly she sneezes, and, to his surprise, a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket.

It’s flying past the guy but he catches it and politely hands it back to the lady.

“Oh, my goodness,” says the lady, “this is so embarrassing.”

As she’s popping her eye back in place, she gradually regains her composure, and then she says, “I’m so sorry to have disturbed you, but I really appreciate your help. Why don’t you join me, and I’ll buy you dinner to make it up to you?”

The guy nods in agreement and he joins her at her table.

Despite her glass eye, the woman is stunningly attractive and a great conversationalist. The guy is having a wonderful evening and, as they chat, it’s obvious they have a lot in common.

Naturally, he gets her phone number and then says, “Mam, I have to say, you’re the most charming woman I’ve ever met. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No, not really,” the woman replies. “You just happened to catch my eye.”

2. Vacuum cleaner salesman:

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on my door.

He scattered a load of dog muck all over my carpet and then said, “Show me where I can plug in and if this vacuum cleaner doesn’t suck up every last dog dropping right now then I’ll eat the rest.”

I smiled and said, “Well, I hope you’re hungry because my electricity has just been cut off.”

3. Marital problems:

A guy’s sitting at the counter in a Manhattan bar looking miserable and staring into his beer.

“Are you alright buddy?” asks the bartender. “What’s the problem?”

The guy looks up from his drink and says, “Oh, my wife and I got into a fight and she said she wouldn’t be speaking to me for a month.”

In an attempt to be encouraging the bartender says, “Hey, come on now buddy, think positive. At least you’ll get some peace for a while.”

“Yeah, I know,” the guy responds, “but today’s the last day.”

4. The taxi ride:

Three buddies staggered out of a bar late one night, all well and truly sozzled. However, they did manage to hail a taxi and in they all climbed.

The taxi driver could see that they were all absolutely hammered and decided it was a situation he could use to his advantage. So he started the engine, waited a few minutes without moving and then turned it off again.

“Right fellas, we’ve reached our destination,” said the taxi driver. “That’ll be $30.”

The first guy gave him the money.

The second guy said, “Thank you, driver.”

But the third guy slapped the driver across the face.

The taxi driver was shocked and thought perhaps the third guy knew what had happened. Nevertheless, he said, “What the hell was that for, buddy?”

“You were driving like a maniac and you could have killed us,” the third guy responded. “Control your speed next time.”

short-jokes-anyone-can-remember5. Wise woman:

Rick said to his wife, Liz, one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful at the same time.”

“Well, dear husband of mine, allow me to explain,” said Liz. “God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. And then God made me stupid, so I would be attracted to you!”

6. Lost property:

Jim is on his way home, and he’s driving behind an ambulance.

As he’s driving along, he notices a small metal box on the back step of the ambulance.

As the ambulance turns a corner the box suddenly falls off and lands on the side of the road.

Being a public-spirited individual, Jim pulls over and retrieves it.

When Jim opens the box there is a human toe inside packed in ice.

Well, Jim realises that the owner will need this appendage, so he phones the local hospital to explain the situation.

Jim gives them his location and then asks whether they’ll be sending an ambulance to collect it.

“No, there’s no need,” they said. “We’ll just send a toe truck.”

7. Little Johnny Joke:

Little Johnny was standing outside his local shopping mall when he was approached by a man.

“Son, I’m lost,” said the man. “Could you tell me how I get to the Post Office from here?”

“Sure, mister,” said Little Johnny. “Walk down to the end of this road and turn right. Then you’ll see it on your left.”

“Thank you, son,” said the man. “I’m the new minister at the church. If you come along on Sunday, I’ll tell you how you can get to Heaven.”

“How are you going to do that?” asks Little Johnny. “You didn’t even know the way to the Post Office.”

8. Three wishes:

Tom, Dick and Harry are ship-wrecked on a desert island when they stumble upon an old oil lamp.

Tom picks up the lamp and starts rubbing it.

Immediately a genie appears and grants each of them a wish.

Tom immediately says he’d like to be back home in New York.

Poof! Then Tom’s gone and on his way home.

Dick then says his wish is to be back home in New York too.

Poof! Then Dick’s gone and on his way home.

Looking at Harry, the genie says, “So, what’s your wish?”

Harry thinks momentarily and then says, “Jeez, it sure is lonely without my two buddies. I wish they were both back here.”

9. Waiting for the bus:

A woman is having a problem with her wardrobe door in her bedroom. Each time a bus passes her house the door falls off.

She calls a repairman and he arrives to fix it.

The repairman sees that the door has fallen off.

So he puts it back in place and he then says to the woman, “I’ll now step inside the wardrobe and I’ll wait until a bus passes to see exactly what happens. You just close the door on me.”

So she closes the door but, as she does so, her husband arrives home and he’s heard his wife in the bedroom talking with someone.

Naturally, he wants to know what’s going on.

So, he rushes upstairs, storms into the bedroom and opens the wardrobe door. He sees the repairman and says, “OK buddy, what the hell are you doing in there?”

“You might find this hard to believe,” says the repairman, “but I’m waiting for a bus.”

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10 funny jokes guaranteed to have you howling with laughter

01/30/2024 by

Funny JokesIf you enjoy a good laugh then these funny jokes are just for you. These 10 funny jokes are guaranteed to make you laugh. So sit back, relax and enjoy them all.

And once you’ve enjoyed them, please feel free to pass them on.

Funny Jokes:

1. The Tiny Pianist:

A guy walks into a New York bar pushing a small suitcase on wheels.

He takes a seat at the bar and then he begins to open the suitcase carefully.

With the suitcase open, he takes out the tiniest piano you’ve ever seen and places it on the bar. The bartender watches him, a little puzzled.

The guy then reaches back into the suitcase and takes out a tiny man. This little man is no taller than ten inches high and the guy then seats him at the tiny piano.

The tiny man then begins to play a piece by Chopin on the piano in a way that is both enchanting and absolutely beautiful.

The bartender walks up to the guy and says “Gee, where did you get the tiny pianist? He’s brilliant.“

The guy puts his hand back into his suitcase again and pulls out an old magic lamp, which he then hands to the bartender.

He says to the bartender, “Here, rub this and make a wish.“

The bartender says, “Are you serious?”

The guy says, “Sure, go ahead.”

So the bartender rubs the lamp and says “I wish for a million bucks!“

There is a loud ‘poof’ sound before a million ducks start marching into the bar.

The bartender looks at the man and says, “Buddy, I think your magic lamp is broken.“

The guy looks at him, smiles then says, “Tell me something I don’t know. You don’t really think I asked for a 10-inch pianist do you?“

2. An engineer goes to Hell:

An engineer dies and suddenly finds himself standing at the Pearly Gates, in front of Saint Peter who’s holding a clipboard.

Saint Peter takes a few moments to review his list and then says to the engineer, “I’m sorry old boy but you’re not on the list. That means you’ll have to go down below I’m afraid.”

The engineer is a little disheartened but trudges off in search of the gates to Hell.

When he arrives in Hell he’s less than impressed. It’s hot, it’s smelly and it’s very miserable.

However, being an engineer, he’s very resourceful. So immediately he decides to take action to improve his situation.

He realises that if he’s to be comfortable he must do something about the heat. So he decides to install air conditioning. Once he gets that working, everything cools down quite quickly and it’s all a little bit more pleasant.

Installing the air conditioning proved to be thirsty work but there aren’t any cold drinks. So the engineer decides to install refrigeration and before you know it everyone in Hell is able to relax with a cold beer.

When he’s got everyone cool and the beer cold, the engineer realises they don’t have any entertainment. So he decides to install cable television. Before you know it they’re all enjoying hundreds of television channels.

Suddenly life in Hell is getting quite pleasant and the engineer is becoming a popular guy. Well, why wouldn’t he be? He’s constantly using his skills to make life better for everyone.

Anyway, one day, God has reason to phone the Devil. Needless to say, God can’t resist having a little fun at the Devil’s expense.

“So how’s it all going down there, Devil? Still hot and miserable?” says God.

To which the Devil replies, “Well actually things are great down here right now. Since you sent us that engineer we’ve been able to upgrade our facilities substantially.“

God is annoyed and cannot conceal his irritation, saying, “What? You’ve got an engineer? How did that happen? There’s always a place for engineers up here in Heaven, we need their skills. There must be some mistake”

Now it’s the Devil who feels he’s the one who can have a little fun and he responds with a laugh, “Well he’s here with us now and we’re pleased to have him.”

“Send him up here right now,” says God,

The Devil’s having none of it, and he responds, “No way! We’re keeping him. He’s far too useful to let go.“

God decides it’s time to apply a little pressure, so he says, “Look Devil, either you send him up here to me immediately or I’ll have no choice but to sue you!“

The Devil falls about laughing and says, “And where will you find a lawyer?“

3. The Bear and the Rabbit:

A bear was chasing a rabbit through the forest.

They ran into a clearing and the bear chased the rabbit around a giant redwood tree where, as luck would have it, a genie lived.

The genie got so tired of the noise they were making that finally he came out and told them both that he would grant them both three wishes if they’d just agree to go away and leave him in peace.

Naturally, the pair agreed. Who wouldn’t want three wishes after all?

So, the bear said he’d go first. “I wish from now on that every bear in this forest is both female and very, very horny.“

The genie granted him his wish.

The rabbit just grinned and simply asked for a motorcycle crash helmet.

The genie granted him his wish too. There was a ‘poof’ sound and then in the rabbit’s paw was a top of the range motorcycle crash helmet.

The bear was somewhat puzzled by the rabbit’s request but he continued nevertheless with his second wish. “I wish from now that on every bear in the whole country is both female and very, very horny!“

The genie granted the bear his second wish.

Again the rabbit grinned and then he said that his second wish was for a Harley Davidson motorcycle.

This wish was granted too and again there was a ‘poof’ sound and suddenly there in the forest stood a gleaming Harley Davidson.

The rabbit jumped on the Harley; put his helmet on and then started gunning the hog.

The bear looked at the rabbit, smiled and said, “You must be the dumbest rabbit I’ve ever met!“

It was time for the bear’s final wish, so he said, “I wish from now on that every bear in the whole world is both female and very, very horny!“

The genie granted him his third and final wish. “Rest assured”, the genie said to the bear, “every bear you will ever meet from now on will be both female and very, very horny.”

The bear looked very pleased with himself.

The genie then looked at the rabbit and said, “So, what’s your final wish?”

The rabbit laughed out loud and said, “I wish that from now on the bear is gay.“

With that, the rabbit gunned the hog and disappeared into the sunset.

4. The Taxidermist:

A guy walks into a redneck bar in Texas.

A couple of cross-eyed, local boys are playing Dueling Banjos on their guitars, guns in holsters by their sides.

Other mean-looking guys, similarly armed, are just sitting around, drinking and they start staring at the stranger in their midst. There’s tension in the air.

The bartender looks at the stranger and says, “What’ll it be, boy?”

The guy says, “I’ll have a white wine spritzer, please.”

The tension in the bar increases noticeably, the other customers are getting twitchy and hands start reaching for their guns.

The bartender looks at the stranger and says, “With a pussy drink like that I’m guessing you ain’t from around here are ya boy? Where ya from?“

The guy says, “Well actually, I’m from Iowa.“

The bartender frowns at him and says, “Iowa? And what the heck you do in Iowa boy?“

The guy tries to lighten the tension with a smile and then he says, “I’m a taxidermist?“

The bartender gives him a puzzled look and says, “You’re a taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist boy?“

Starting to feel a bit nervous, the guy responds, “I mount animals.“

The bartender grins and shouts out to everyone in the bar, “It’s okay boys, he’s one of us!“

Funny Jokes5. Two accountants:

Two accountants go to their local bank during their lunch break.

They’re both standing in line when suddenly four masked and armed robbers burst in through the door.

One of the robbers yells, “Don’t anyone move. We’ve got guns and we’ll use them. Cooperate and you won’t get hurt.”

Two of the robbers then go to the counter with four very large but empty leather bags and one says to the tellers, “Fill these bags with cash and be quick about it.”

While the tellers nervously fill the bags with cash, the other two robbers line all the customers, including the two accountants, up against a wall.

One robber walks along the line waving his gun menacingly in their faces and he shouts, “Right I want your wallets, your cash, your watches, and any other valuables you’ve got and I want them all now. And if you don’t give me everything you’ve got I’ll shoot you dead!”

As this is all going on one accountant stuffs something into the hand of his colleague.

Without looking down, his colleague whispers, “What’s this?“

The accountant whispers back, “It’s that $50 I owe you.“

6. Escaped convict:

A convict escapes from Folsom State Prison where he’s been locked up for 15 Years. He’s on the run and in need of food, money and a gun. So he decides to break into a house, where he thinks he might find at least some of these things. Walking along an affluent street he spots a house that he thinks looks perfect.

He forces the back door open and steps inside. As he wanders through the house, he finds a young couple in bed. Naturally, they’re both very frightened.

He orders the naked woman out of bed and ties her to a chair.

He then ties her husband to the bed.

The convict then goes back to the woman and straddling her lap, he puts his head close to the woman’s ear and whispers something before kissing her on the cheek. He then stands up and goes into their bathroom.

While the convict is in the bathroom, the husband whispers over to his wife: “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he straddled your lap and kissed you on the cheek. He’s horny. Just do whatever he asks of you. You mustn’t resist and don’t complain. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously dangerous. If he gets angry, he could kill us both. So be strong, honey. I love you!”

There was a sigh of relief from the woman as she whispered back, “When he whispered in my ear, he told me he was gay and he said he thinks you’re really cute. He said he’s very horny and he wanted to know if we had any more condoms. I told him there were some in the bathroom cabinet. I knew you see reason, honey. You be strong. I love you too and I appreciate the sacrifice you’ll be making.”

7. Thick Nick:

Bill was a straight-A student at High School but 20 years later his career has been less than stellar.

Still, when he gets an invitation to a High School reunion he decides to go anyway.

Well, he figures he hasn’t seen any of his school buddies since those far off days and it might be fun at least to see how some of the class losers have gotten on since then. They might provide him with something to laugh at and feel good about himself.

When he arrives at the reunion the first guy he bumps into is Jack.

Now, this makes Bill a little bit apprehensive. Jack had been a friend of his at school but he’d also been voted the student most likely to succeed. So Bill figured that Jack must at least be the CEO of a large multinational corporate organization by now.

Well, Jack’s career too had not quite lived up to expectations either.

He’s now the manager of the local Credit Union. A decent job perhaps but hardly exceptional. Nevertheless, it leaves Bill feeling a little bit more relaxed. Maybe he hadn’t done so badly after all?

As Bill and Jack stand outside the entrance to their old High School, swapping stories about their lives since schooldays, suddenly a brand new Lamborghini Veneno roars into the parking lot.

This is $5 million worth of supercar and Bill and Jack are stunned. Who could this be? Surely it couldn’t be one of their old classmates?

As they stand there open-mouthed, the car door opens and out steps Nick.

Now had there been a vote at school for the student least likely to succeed then Nick would have won it by a country mile and then some. He really was thick, academically, and unsurprisingly his fellow students all knew him as ‘Thick Nick’.

Bill and Jack couldn’t understand how Nick is doing so well. So they engage him in conversation to find out more.

Jack says to him, “Hey Nick, that car’s awesome. How come you’re doing so well.”

Nick responds and says, “Well Jack, when I failed to graduate High School I couldn’t get a job after I left, so I started my own business.”

So Bill says, “Wow Nick, how come your business is so successful?”

Nick smiles and says, “Well I sell this really popular product which I can buy for $2 a pop and I can sell it for $5 a pop. And I can sell it by the truckload. You wouldn’t believe it. It’s amazing how much money you can make with a 3% mark-up.”

MORAL OF THE STORY: Nick may still be thick but lack of academic success at school is never a barrier to financial success in life. And academic success does not guarantee financial success either.

8. The Indian businessman:

An Indian businessman, Rajesh Bhatia, walks into a bank in the City of London and asks to see the Loans Officer.

Mr Bhatia explains that he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and he needs to borrow £5000.

The Loans officer says that whilst it’s possible, the bank would need something substantial as security against the loan.

Mr Bhatia responds by saying he’d be happy to hand over the keys to his new Rolls Royce, which cost £250,000, as security against the loan.

“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says Mr Bhatia, “and I have all the necessary papers here.”

The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. After which Mr Bhatia departs with his money, leaving the Loans officer, the bank’s manager and all their colleagues enjoying a good laugh at Mr Bhatia for using a £250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a £5,000 loan.

One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later Mr Bhatia returns from Europe and repays the £5000 as well as the interest, which comes to £16.81.

As he prepares a receipt, the Loans Officer asks quizzically, “Sir, I must say, we’re all a little bit puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a very wealthy man and a multimillionaire. So why would you bother to borrow £5,000?“

Mr Bhatia replies, “Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £16.81?“

9. The rare centipede:

Whilst out hiking, a guy finds a rare but long and poisonous centipede.

The guy is amazed by what he’s found and naturally, he wants to show this rare creature to his drinking buddies. So he captures the centipede and places it carefully in a ventilated box.

Once he gets it home, the guy decides he wants to take the centipede to his local bar immediately. So he taps on the box and says, “Would you like to go to Jimmy’s Bar with me and have a beer?“

There’s no answer from the centipede.

The guy waits a few moments and then says, “What do you think? Would you like to go to my local bar and meet my buddies?“

Again, there’s no answer.

Thinking the centipede can’t hear him, the man gets right up close to the box this time and yells, “Hey! Would you like to go to Jimmy’s Bar and have a drink with me?“

A little voice comes out of the box, “I heard you the first time! I’m still putting my shoes on.“

10. Collision course:

The captain of a large US naval aircraft carrier is on the bridge when on his radar he spots what he believes to be another vessel, with which his ship is now on a collision course.

The captain immediately gets on his open channel radio and says, “This is the USS Pittsburgh and you’re on a collision course with this ship. You must take immediate action and change course.”

In response, the captain hears a man with a Spanish accent but speaking perfect English say, “No sir, I’m sorry but it’s your vessel that must change course.”

The captain is irritated by this response and says, “This is Captain James Munroe, captain of the USS Pittsburgh, the largest ship in the US fleet. You are a maritime hazard sir and I will report you to the authorities unless you change course now.”

There’s silence momentarily and then the captain hears the response, “This is a lighthouse. Your call.”

Please share the fun:

I hope these funny jokes really made you laugh dear reader.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh? If so click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All Rights Reserved.

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25 funny short jokes to brighten your day

01/24/2024 by

FUNNY SHORT JOKES Life can be tough for everyone, don’t you think?

It can be stressful at times too.

When life is getting you down, laughter is always the best medicine. In fact, laughter is always great medicine, regardless of how you’re feeling.

However, the problem can be finding the time to go in search of a laugh or two.

Well, don’t worry, dear reader, because I’ve done the work for you.

I’ve been digging around looking for funny short jokes that might just help readers relax a little.

So today I offer you 25 great funny short jokes that are guaranteed to brighten your day.

Well, perhaps not all of them. However, I’m confident that most of them will brighten your day.

They’re all quick to read, and if at least some of them don’t make you smile, then nothing will.

So take a few minutes for yourself and enjoy these funny short jokes right now.

Funny short jokes:

  • If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive
  • They’d find me attractive by now
  • Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle? 
  • Too many cheetahs
  • What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
  • A roamin’ Catholic
  • Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley
  • One was assaulted
  • What do you call a fat psychic?
  • A four chin teller
  • My girlfriend accused me of cheating
  • I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
  • A man asked me for a donation towards the local swimming pool
  • So I gave him a glass of water
  • I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage
  • I lost my case
  • What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker?
  • Hop in
  • What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
  • A flat miner
  • If you give an alligator a GPS
  • Does that make it a navigator?
  • How do trees get online?
  • They just log in
  • What do you call a singing laptop?
  • A Dell
  • Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide? 
  • Because it’s always spotted
  • I don’t know what Armageddon means
  • So what? It’s not the end of the world
  • I’ve been told I’m condescending
  • (That means talking down to people)
  • What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?
  • A Maybe
  • Why go to the paint store when you’re on a diet?
  • You can get thinner there
  • How do you get two whales in a car?
  • Start in England and drive west
  • Why shouldn’t you fall in love with a pastry chef?
  • He’ll dessert you
  • What do cats like to eat for breakfast?
  • Mice Krispies
  • What do you call the cat that was caught by the police?
  • The purrpatrator
  • I went bobsleighing the other day
  • And I managed to kill 250 bobs
  • People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones
  • But people in Abu Dhabi do!
  • You may think it’s romantic to carve our names on this tree
  • But I have to ask, why did you bring a knife on our first date?

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Please share the fun:

Funny Short JokesI hope you found these funny short jokes truly side-splitting, dear reader. Well, mildly amusing, at least.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh.

If so, please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today, then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

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15 funny work quotes that will certainly resonate with you

01/21/2024 by

funny work quotesToday I thought it would be amusing to explore some funny work quotes.

Personally, I love my work. I love having a sense of purpose and something to get me out of bed each day.

However, not everyone feels the way I do and anyway, it’s never a good idea to take anything too seriously.

Occasionally we must laugh at the nature of human existence. And a good place to start laughing is with the subject of work.

Love it or hate it, it dominates all our lives nevertheless. So today I’ve pulled together 15 funny work quotes to make you smile.

Once again these quotes come from many sources but one, in particular, I must acknowledge and that’s Cool Funny Quotes where you’ll find some of these and many more besides. So check it out.

Funny work quotes:

  1. Hard work never killed anybody but why take a chance? ~Edgar Bergen
  2. I don’t work on weekends or any other day that ends with “Y”. ~Author Unknown
  3. The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television. ~Author Unknown
  4. Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. ~Groucho Marx
  5. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. ~The Simpsons
  6. If A is success in life, then A is equal to X plus Y plus Z. Where X is work; Y is play, and Z is keeping your mouth shut. ~Albert Einstein (well, maybe!)
  7. As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Payday, lunchtime, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement. ~Tom Goins
  8. If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter. ~John Gotti
  9. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential that word would be ‘meetings.’ ~Dave Barry
  10. He’s so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor. ~Paddy O’Dea
  11. Why is Monday so far from Friday and Friday so close to Monday? ~Author Unknown
  12. Got to work this morning and my boss told me ‘have a good day’, so I went home and had a great day! ~Author Unknown
  13. Work is just something I’m doing until I win the lottery. ~Author Unknown
  14. Sometimes the best part of my job is that my chair swivels. ~Author Unknown
  15. I once had a job in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate. ~Author Unknown

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If any of these funny quotes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share them now.

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11 great one-liner jokes that will make your toes curl

01/03/2024 by

GREAT ONE-LINER JOKESHere are another 11 one-liners brought to my attention by readers, which I thought I’d share with you.

I can’t be sure of their origins, but they all made me smile, and I hope they brighten your day too, dear reader.

These are great one-liner jokes that will make your toes curl, I’m sure. I hope so anyway.

Enjoy them all.

Great one-liner jokes:

  1. A girl’s thoughts when she starts dating a guy – Date #1: That’s a really nice shirt. Date #2: Wow. That’s another nice shirt. Date #3: That’s the shirt he wore on our first date. Date #4: OK, he’s only got two decent shirts.
  2. The four sweetest words you can use when people didn’t listen to you? I told you so!
  3. My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I definitely laugh more.
  4. I prefer living in the past. At least the cost of housing was much cheaper.
  5. Military personnel can be charged for losing equipment. In the army you’ll pay $150 for losing your rifle. That explains why, in the Navy, a captain will always go down with his ship.
  6. I gave my wife the silent treatment for an entire week. At the end of it she said to me, “It’s been nice this week, we’ve really been getting on well.”
  7. There’s a new support group for compulsive talkers. It’s called On Anon.
  8. I’ve just found the worst page in my dictionary. The content is disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, disingenuous and disreputable.
  9. Why bother keeping up with the Joneses when you could drag them down to your level. Surely it’s less expensive that way?
  10. For Christmas or birthdays, buy your kids a set of batteries and just put a note inside saying “Toys not included.”
  11. My favourite hobby is going down to the beach and burying metal objects that have the words “Get a Life” inscribed on them.

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If any of these great one-liner jokes made you smile, please share this post with your friends on social media.

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30 corny one-liners you might just enjoy

12/26/2023 by

corny one-linersLooking for some corny one-liners, dear reader? A few corny jokes to make you smile?

Well, I’ve got 30 of them today, just for you.

I can assure you that these are all full ‘groan’. However, I’m confident they’ll raise a smile or two in the process.

So take a few minutes, perhaps grab a coffee, and enjoy them all.

And if you do enjoy them, feel free to pass them on.

Corny one-liners (1-15):

  1. A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
  2. I hate German sausage. It’s the wurst.
  3. I used to be a tap dancer, but I fell in the sink.
  4. Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
  5. I changed my iPhone’s name to Titanic; because it’s syncing now.
  6. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
  7. What did the Statue of Liberty say to the New Yorker? “You’re such a Big Apple!”
  8. Why did the bee go to the doctor? Because he had hives.
  9. What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam!
  10. Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi!
  11. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
  12. I used to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it.
  13. I was looking for my missing watch, but I couldn’t find the time.
  14. What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone!
  15. What did the ocean say to the sailboat? Nothing, it just waved!

Corny one-liners (16-30):

  1. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
  2. What did the paper say to the pencil? Stop scribbling!
  3. Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired!
  4. Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
  5. What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror? Halloumi!
  6. Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Because they’re shellfish.
  7. What did the monkey say when he found a banana in his cereal? A-peeling!
  8. Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well-armed!
  9. I used to be a banker but then I lost interest.
  10. Why doesn’t everyone learn sign language? It’s pretty handy.
  11. I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.
  12. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
  13. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.
  14. Why don’t skeletons ever go out on the town? Because they don’t have any body to go with
  15. I couldn’t quite remember how to throw the boomerang, but eventually, it came back to me.

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People love corny jokes, so please share this post now.

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You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

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5 brilliant contenders for hilarious joke of the day

12/04/2023 by

HILARIOUS JOKE OF THE DAYIf you’re looking for some brilliant contenders for hilarious joke of the day then I’ve got five little gems for you here today. I’m confident they’ll all make you smile.

So enjoy them all and please feel free to share them with your friends.

Hilarious joke of the day:

1. The Pull-Over:

Jim Murphy is a Texas State trooper patrolling the highway, and he pulls over a car for speeding on Interstate 35, about 15 miles north of Austin.

Officer Murphy approaches the car and asks the driver why he was speeding.

The driver gets out of his car, and he’s very apologetic. 

“I’m sorry, officer,” says the driver, “but I’m a magician and juggler, and I’m late for a show in Temple. If I don’t make it on time, I won’t get paid.”

“Sir, this might be your lucky day,” says Officer Murphy, “because I love to watch juggling. So, if you can demonstrate some impressive juggling skills, then I won’t give you a ticket.”

“Oh, officer,” says the driver, “I can’t do that because my equipment has been sent on ahead and I don’t have anything to juggle.”

“Well,” says Officer Murphy, “I have some flares in the trunk of my car; could you juggle them?”

“Sure!” says the driver.

So Officer Murphy gets five flares from the trunk, lights them all, and hands them to the driver.

The driver then starts to juggle the flares with considerable skill.

While doing so, another car pulls in behind the State trooper’s car. 

A drunken good old boy from Georgetown staggers out of this car, watches the juggling momentarily, and then staggers over to Officer Murphy’s car, opens the rear door, and climbs in. 

Officer Murphy watches him briefly and then goes over to his car and asks this guy what he thinks he’s doing.

“You might as well haul my butt off to the jail officer,” says the drunk. “There’s no way I can pass that test right now.”

2. Grumpy old man:

Dick and Doris are on a road trip on Interstate 5 from Sacramento to Albany, California.

They stop at a roadside diner for lunch.

After finishing their lunch, they leave the diner and continue on their journey to Albany. 

As they leave the diner, Doris forgetfully leaves her spectacles on the table. 

They’re driving along for about 45 minutes before Doris suddenly realises that she’s left her spectacles behind.

“Dick!” Doris exclaims, “I left my spectacles on the table in the diner. I can’t be without them. We’ll have to go back.”

Dick is really not happy about this, particularly as it’s another 20 minutes before they reach a junction where they can turn around and head back to the diner.

“Doris,” said Dick, “I can never rely on you to get anything right, can I? We’ve added two hours to our journey just because you couldn’t remember your spectacles.”

For the entire journey back to the diner, Dick bitched and moaned in stereotypical grumpy old man fashion, blaming poor Doris for everything that was wrong in the world.

The more Dick chided her, the angrier he got, and he didn’t let up for a single minute until eventually they reached the diner.

As Doris got out of the car, she said, “I’ll be very quick, Dick; just bear with me for one minute.”

Responding grumpily, Dick said, “Well, while you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card I left behind.”

3. The Pope visits Liverpool:

The Pope’s on a visit to Liverpool and he’s handing out miracles to kids in a poor neighbourhood.

A young teenager named Jack walks up to him and says, “Holy Father, could you help me with my hearing?”

The Pope says, “Yes, of course, my son.” He then puts his hands on Jack’s ears and starts praying.

After a few moments, the Pope removes his hands from Jack’s ears and says, “How’s your hearing now, my son?”

“I don’t know, Holy Father,” says Jack. “I’m not up in court until Thursday.”

4. The elevator ride:

An old lady gets into an elevator on the ground floor of the Empire State Building in Manhattan.

On the very next floor, a young, well-dressed, and beautiful woman gets into the elevator smelling of very expensive perfume.

The young woman smiles at the old lady and notices she’s sniffing at the fragrance in the air. So the young woman says, a little arrogantly, “Do you like it? It’s Dolce & Gabbana Dolce Eau de Parfum Spray, and it’s $122.00 a bottle.”

The old lady returns her smile but says nothing.

A couple of floors further up, the elevator stops again, and in comes another beautiful young woman, once again smelling of expensive perfume.

As the old lady is once again sniffing at the fragrance in the air, this young woman smiles and says, “Do you like it? It’s Atelier Bloem Nieuw Amsterdam Eau de Parfum, and it’s $195.00 a bottle.”

Once again, the old lady returns her smile but says nothing.

Ten floors further up, the old lady is about to reach her destination when she can’t stop herself from dropping an ass blast loudly, and there’s the most terrible smell.

As she’s leaving the elevator and noticing the look on their faces, the old lady smiles at her two fellow passengers and says, “Do you like it? Broccoli. 48 cents a pound.”

5. The cab driver and the nun:

A cab driver picks up a nun on Central Park West.

The cab driver can’t help staring at his passenger.

“Why are you staring at me?” asked the nun.

“Well, Sister,” says the cab driver, “I’ve always had this fantasy to kiss a nun.”

The nun smiles at him and says, ”I can only kiss you if you’re single and Catholic.”

“That’s lucky,” says the cab driver. “I’m both!”

So they agree to pull over into an alley, and the nun proceeds to kiss the driver in a way that would make a lady of the night blush.

As they continue on their journey, the cab driver starts feeling guilty.

“Sister,” says the cab driver, “I have a confession to make.”

“And what would that be?” asks the nun.

“I lied to you,” says the cab driver. “I’m married, and I’m Jewish.”

“That’s OK,” says the nun. “My name’s Keith, and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”

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HILARIOUS JOKE OF THE DAYSo, dear reader, would any of these contenders be your hilarious joke of the day? Certainly, I hope they all made you laugh.

Perhaps you’d like some more laughs?

If so, please click on the links below.

And if you did enjoy this post, then please share it with your friends on social media.

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23 witty short jokes to tickle you and brighten your day

12/01/2023 by

WITTY SHORT JOKESIf you’re looking for some witty short jokes to make you smile, then here are 23 that I hope will brighten your day.

There’s nothing like a good laugh to make the day feel brighter. Well, I think so, anyway.

So, enjoy the fun, and then please pass them on.

Witty Short Jokes:

  1. I saw a robbery in an Apple Store. Does that make me an iWitness?
  2. Q: Does February like March? A: No, but April May
  3. I have a fear of long distances, so I go to great lengths to avoid them.
  4. Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: Ground beef.
  5. If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
  6. Q: What did the snowman say to the customer? A: Have an ice day!
  7. Milk is the fastest liquid on earth. It’s pasteurized before you even see it!
  8. Q: Why do seals swim in saltwater? A: Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
  9. I had a fear of speed bumps but I slowly got over it
  10. Q: When does a duck wake up? A: At the quack of dawn.
  11. My girlfriend left me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I don’t have any.
  12. Q: How does an Elephant get out of a tree? A: It sits on a leaf and waits till the Fall.
  13. I don’t normally tell Dad jokes, but when I do, he always laughs.
  14. Q: Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A: A convict.
  15. I went to my doctor to see why I had such an excessive fear of snakes. He said I have a reptile dysfunction.
  16. Q: What do you call a reindeer with no eyes? A: No eye deer.
  17. A girl in the office asked me if I had a date for Valentine’s Day. I told her it’s always February 14th, as far as I know.
  18. Q: What vegetable was forbidden on the ships of Arctic explorers? A: Leeks!
  19. An old man is struck by a car and brought to the hospital. A nurse enters his room and says, “Sir, are you comfortable?” The old man replies, “I make a nice living.”
  20. Q: What do you give to a pumpkin who’s trying to quit smoking? A: A pumpkin patch!
  21. I have a fear of overly designed buildings. It’s a complex complex complex.
  22. Q: What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? A: Snowballs!
  23. I saw a math book and a dictionary on a date last night. They looked like they had good chemistry!

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WITTY SHORT JOKESSo, dear reader, did you find these witty short jokes as amusing as you’d hoped? Certainly, I hope they all made you laugh.

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50 corny dad jokes that are all full groan

11/16/2023 by

CORNY DAD JOKESDo you enjoy corny dad jokes, dear reader? Those that make you groan but also have a way of making us smile too.

Well, today I’ve got 50 dad jokes, which I hope you’ll enjoy.

I’m confident that there’s enough here to raise a smile or two.

So, enjoy them all, and please feel free to share them with your friends.

Corny Dad Jokes (1-10):

  1. I can’t stop binge-watching fishing shows. I’m just hooked on reel life.
  2. Behind every husband who thinks he wears the pants is a wife who told him which pants to wear.
  3. I heard a story this morning about a chameleon that couldn’t change colour. Apparently, it had reptile dysfunction.
  4. Why do people use a big word when a diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the task admirably?
  5. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. Apparently, he acquired his size from too much pi.
  6. BREAKING NEWS: A nine-year-old girl has disappeared after using her mother’s moisturizer which makes you look 10 years younger.
  7. At the boss’s funeral, a disgruntled employee walked up close to the casket and whispered, “So, who’s thinking outside the box now, Mr Whitaker?”
  8. In Jamaica, a steak pie will cost you around $4. In Trinidad and Barbados, similar pies will cost you around $3. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
  9. I was shocked when my son started chewing electrical cables, so I grounded him. That seems to have worked because currently, he’s conducting himself properly.
  10. In a Catholic convent school, children were lining up in the cafeteria for lunch. There was a large pile of apples at the head of the table. A note above the pile read, “Take only ONE! God is watching you.” At the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies on a tray. Above this pile, some joker had placed his owned handwritten note, which read, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

Corny Dad Jokes (11-20):

  1. I’ve just seen a car being driven by a sheep in a swimsuit. It was a Lamb Bikini.
  2. I had a job working as an elevator operator but I quit. There were just too many ups and downs.
  3. My ambition was to be a Hollywood lighting director but it turns out that I wasn’t bright enough.
  4. I’ve just had my pet frog’s DNA tested. The result suggests he’s part English, part German and a tad Pole.
  5. I tried growing blueberries and raspberries in the snow but it proved to be a completely fruitless endeavour.
  6. My boss asked me why I only ever get sick on workdays. I explained to him that I had a weekend immune system.
  7. How do you tell the gender of an ant? Simple! Drop it in water and if it sinks, then it’s girl ant. And if it floats, it’s boy ant.
  8. I’ve just heard that in Memphis there’s a new line of Elvis-themed steakhouses. Apparently, they’re aimed at people who love meat tender.
  9. My dad told me that I must work until my bank balance looks like a phone number. Well, this morning I finally got there. My current balance is $911.
  10. A wife was so mad with her husband that she packed his bags and told him to get out. “I hope your life is miserable and I hope you die a long, slow, painful death,” she said. “Make up your mind,” he responded. “Should I stay or should I go?”

Corny Dad Jokes (21-30):

  1. I had a date last night and I really enjoy it. Tonight I might try a fig.
  2. Why do the French eat snails? It’s because they don’t like fast food.
  3. If cannibals eat a missionary, will that give them a taste for religion?
  4. If a dog gives birth to puppies on the sidewalk, will it be cited for littering?
  5. You may know where the Big Apple is but do you know where Minneapolis?
  6. I’ve been playing silent tennis. It’s like normal tennis but without the racket.
  7. When I arrived at the gates of the Drug Rehab Centre there was a sign that read, “Keep off the Grass.”
  8. The World Tongue Twister champion has been arrested. I’m sure he’ll be getting a very tough sentence.
  9. I hear that engineers have just made a car that runs on parsley. If only they could make a bus that runs on thyme.
  10. A young police officer named Philip was so good at his job that within a year or two he was voted Police Officer of the year. Naturally, he was thrilled that all his hard work had been recognized. However, very quickly he noticed that his colleagues, his family, his friends and even the preacher at his local church started asking him questions about life, relationships and so on. He started to feel a little awkward about this, given that he’d not had any special training that qualifies him to answer such questions. So he shared his concern with his wife, who smiled at him and said, “Honey, everyone in town knows you’re an award-winning Phil officer.

Corny Dad Jokes (31-40):

  1. Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He couldn’t resistor.
  2. I wish I could stop telling airport jokes but my doctor says it’s terminal.
  3. Did you hear the joke about margarine? On second thoughts, I’d butter not tell it.
  4. I told my wife I want to be cremated and she’s made an appointment for me next Friday.
  5. My wife told me I was getting fat. “Look, dear,” I said. “I can’t help it. I’ve had a lot on my plate lately.”
  6. We took our kids to the zoo last week. We’re going back at the weekend to see how well they’ve settled in.
  7. The Invisible Man married an invisible woman. I’m not sure what they saw in each other. Their kids weren’t much to look at either.
  8. When I see the names of young lovers carved in a tree, I’m always puzzled as to why anyone feels the need to take a knife on a date.
  9. A customer walks into a jewellery store and says, “I want to buy a watch, please.” The clerk smiles and says, “Certainly sir, analog? To which the customer replies, “No, just the watch please.”
  10. A snail walks into a Porsche dealership and buys a 911 Turbo. After finalizing all the options the snail says, “And I want a big letter S on the hood and one on each of the doors too, please.” The salesman looked at him, slightly puzzled and asked, “Why, when your name’s Bill?” The snail smiles in response and then says, “Because when I open her up on the freeway, I want everyone to say, Boy, look at that S-car go!”

Corny Dad Jokes (41-45):

  1. Is there a more terrifying moment than when you’re a guest in someone’s house and the toilet refuses to flush after your morning Number 2?
  2. The teacher asked her class to use the word symmetry in a sentence. First up was little Johnny and his response was, “When you die you’re buried in a symmetry.”
  3. I went into KFC with my young son and I asked the lady for a kid’s meal with a leg. “Which side?” she asked. Thinking momentarily, I then said, “Does it make any difference whether it’s the right or the left?” When she stopped laughing, she said, “No honey, which side would you like to go with the leg? Mashed potato or wedges?”
  4. Now I’ve been in many places over the years, but I’ve never been in cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I must admit, I’ve never been incognito either. It seems no one recognizes you there. However, I have been insane. They don’t have an airport. You have to be driven there. I’ve made several trips, so far.
  5. A court jester was forever making terrible puns which the king found increasingly irritating. He’d expressed his displeasure to the jester on a number of occasions but the terrible puns just kept on coming, so the king sentenced him to be hanged. On the evening of the day before the planned hanging, the King visited the jester in his cell and said that, if the jester promised to change his ways, he would be pardoned. “Oh thank you, your majesty,” said the jester. “No noose is good noose!” The jester was hung at sunrise.

Corny Dad Jokes (46-50):

  1. The principal from my son’s school phoned and said that he’s always being a nuisance in class. “He’s always being a nuisance at home too,” I responded. “But do I ever call you?”
  2. I asked my wife to help me put up some posts in the ground for our new fence. As I was holding a post in place, I gave her a sledgehammer and said, “When I nod my head, hit it.” After that, I don’t remember much.
  3. Whilst out walking my dog, I met a man in the park. During our conversation, he told me about his four new rescue chickens. He really made me smile when he told me he’d called them Hen Solo, Jabba the Cluck, Obi-Hen Kenobi and Princess layer.
  4. A piece of rope walked into a bar and the bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind!” The rope went outside, tied itself into a knot and then started fraying the edges. The rope then went back into the bar only for the bartender to say, “Weren’t you in here earlier?” The rope replied, “No! I’m a frayed knot.”
  5. Jane had been visiting her husband in jail. Before leaving she spoke with one of the correction officers and complained about how hard he was being worked. “He’s exhausted,” she said. The officer smiled and said, “Mam, you’ve got to be joking. He just eats, sleeps and stays in his cell all day.” Jane thinks momentarily and then says, “Well that can’t be right. He’s just told me he’s been digging a tunnel for months.”

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Corny Dad JokesSo dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these corny dad jokes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Thank you for your support, dear reader.

Articles you might enjoy:

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5 story jokes that are actually funny

11/11/2023 by

JOKES THAT ARE ACTUALLY FUNNYIf you’re looking for some jokes that are actually funny, then take a look at these five little gems I have on offer for you today.

They all made me laugh and I’m confident that they’ll raise a smile with you too.

Enjoy them all and please feel free to share them.

Jokes that are actually funny:

1. Resourceful assistant:

Maude had recently been widowed and she visits the mortuary to pay her respects to her late husband, Bert’s body.

The mortuary assistant leads her into the Chapel of Rest where the late Bert’s body is lying-in-state.

On seeing Bert, Maude cannot stop herself from sobbing, with tears pouring down her face.

The mortuary assistant attempts to comfort her, putting his arm around her and saying, “Mam, I’m so sorry for your loss, but at least he’s at peace now.”

Maude struggles to regain her composure.

After a few moments, she says, “It’s not losing him that’s upset me, I just can’t bear seeing him wearing a suit.”

The mortuary assistant apologises before saying, “When men pass away, we always bury them in a suit.”

“But Bert was a clown, and he spent his life making others laugh,” said Maude. “His dying wish was to be buried in a clown costume.”

“Oh, I see,” said the mortuary assistant. “Well, let me see what I can arrange for you. Leave it with me.”

On the morning of the funeral, Maude returns to the mortuary to spend a few, precious seconds with Bert and to say goodbye.

The mortuary assistant opens the casket for her, and as he does so, Maude smiles when she sees that Bert is now dressed in the costume he loved.

“Oh, thank you,” said Maude. “But where did you find a clown costume at such short notice?“

“It was serendipity really,” said the mortuary assistant, with a smile. “Just the day before yesterday, another clown died following a tragic accident whilst he was performing at the circus.”

“Really?” said Maude.

“Yes,” said the mortuary assistant. “And, as luck would have it, his family wanted him to be buried in a suit.”

“I don’t quite follow,” said Maude, a little confused.

“Well, it was simple,” said the mortuary assistant. “All I had to do was swap their heads around.“

2. Alligator fight:

Jeff had made his fortune as a hedge fund manager on Wall Street, but he’d had enough of the pressure, so he decided it was time to retire to Florida for the sunshine and a more relaxed lifestyle.

He bought himself a fabulous villa in the Everglades, and naturally, he was now keen to get to know his neighbours,

So, he decides to throw a big poolside party at his villa, and he invites everyone in the street, including a local politician named Joe Garcia.

Well, the party is going well and everyone’s having a great time. The food’s good, the wine’s the best, and the music has everyone dancing.

As everything’s in full swing, Jeff suddenly shouts, “Now listen up everyone. There’s a 12-foot alligator in the pool, and I’ll buy a brand-new Porsche Cayenne for anyone who’ll join him for a swim.“

Barely had Jeff offered this challenge when he hears the sound of a loud splash.

He looks towards the pool and there’s local politician, Joe Garcia in the water, fighting madly with the alligator.

It’s a mean fight with wrestling, punches, biting, and choke holds. Water is splashing everywhere, and Joe Garcia and the alligator are raising hell.

Finally, after what seemed like an age, Joe Garcia strangles the alligator and leaves it floating on the surface of the pool.

He then staggers wearily out of the pool, as everyone stares at him in disbelief.

“Well, Joe,” says Jeff, “I owe you a Porsche Cayenne.”

“No, that won’t be necessary, I don’t want it,” said Joe.

“Oh, come on,” said Jeff. “I have to give you something, you won the bet.“

“No thanks, I have a nice car and I don’t need another one,” Joe insisted.

“Come on, you were amazing,” said Jeff. “How about I give you a Rolex watch?“

Once again, Joe Garcia says, “No thanks.”

Confused, Jeff asks, “Well then, what do you want?“

Joe looked around suspiciously at his fellow revellers and then said, “I want to get even with the son-of-a-bitch who pushed me in!“

3. Hard truth:

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian were in an art gallery viewing a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

“Look at their reserve and calm,” said the Englishman. “That suggests they were English.”

“Nonsense,” said the Frenchman. “They are naked and beautiful. That suggests they must have been French.”

The Russian reflected on what he’d just heard momentarily and then he shook his head. “No,” he said. “They have no clothes, no shelter and only an apple to eat and they’re being told they’re in paradise. They were definitely Russian.”

4. Ageing problems:

Old Albert is visiting his doctor because he’s been having trouble with his hearing.

“Doc,” says Albert, “I’ve been having problems with my hearing.”

“Right!” says the doctor. “Let me take a closer look.”

With that, the doctor picks up an otoscope and begins inspecting Albert’s ear.

After a few moments of inspection, the doctor says, “It looks like there’s some sort of object stuck in your ear.“

The doctor grabs a pair of tweezers and proceeds to remove the object carefully.

As he pulls it out, the doctor looks at it closely and then exclaims, “It looks like a suppository!“

Old Albert looks closely at the suppository, and then he looks at the doctor and says “Doc, can I use your phone?”

“Of course,” the doctor replied.

“I need to tell my wife that I now know where I put my hearing aid,” Albert continued.

5. Amish ways:

An elderly Amish woman was driving her buggy to a nearby town when a police officer stops her on the road.

“Mam, I’m sorry to stop you,” said the police officer, “but I noticed that your rear reflector is broken, and this could be dangerous.”

“Officer, I thank thee,” the Amish woman replied. “As soon as I get home, I’ll have my husband fix it.“

“Well, that’s fine,” said the police officer, “but I also noticed that one of the reins is wrapped around your horse’s testicles. That’s not going to be very comfortable for the horse. So, please have your husband check that too.”

“Officer, again, I must thank thee,” said the woman. “I’ll mention it to him as soon as I get home.“

True to her word, as soon as the Amish woman got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector on the buggy.

“I’ll attend to it immediately,” he responded.

“Good,” she replied. “And while you’re at it, the police officer seemed to think there was something wrong with the emergency brake.”

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