6 really funny jokes that will certainly make you smile

02/16/2024 by
really funny jokes

If you’re looking for some really funny jokes, then take a look at the six I’ve got for you today. They all made me smile, so I hope you’ll enjoy them too.

Take a few moments to enjoy them and feel free to pass them on to your friends.

Really Funny Jokes:

1. Flatulent Old Lady:

An old lady was having an embarrassing problem with bloating and gas, so she decided to see her physician.

“Hello Mrs Johnson,” said the doctor, “and what’s troubling you today?”

“Well Doctor Carmichael,” she responded, “I can’t stop breaking wind. Fortunately, they’re silent and they don’t smell but it does feel embarrassing. Honestly, I’ve farted several times whilst I’ve been sitting here. What can I do?”

The kindly doctor smiled at her and said, “Mrs Johnson just take these pills three times a day for seven days and then come back and see me as soon as you’ve finished the medication.“

One week later Mrs Johnson is back in the doctor’s office and is clearly unhappy.

“Doctor, I don’t know what was in those pills you gave me last week but my problem is even worse,” she said.

“In what way?” the doctor enquired.

“Well I’m still breaking wind just as much and they’re still silent,” she said, “but now the smell is terrible. I mean they really stink.”

“Excellent!” said the doctor. “That means we’ve fixed the problem with your sinuses. Now let’s see what we can do about your hearing.”

2. The Potato Peeler:

Sean was leaning against the counter in a Dublin bar enjoying a pint of Guinness when in walked his old friend Paddy looking decidedly glum.

“What’s the matter with you Patrick?” said Sean. “You’ve got a face on you like a wet weekend.”

“Oh, Sean,” he said. “I’ve just been fired from my job in the Fish & Chip shop.”

“You’ve been fired? Now, why would they do that to you, Patrick? What did you do that was so bad?” Sean enquired.

“Oh, I got caught putting my johnson in the potato peeler,” Paddy responded.

“My God! Patrick that’s terrible. What happened to the potato peeler?” Sean naturally enquired.

“Oh, she’s been fired too.” Said Paddy looking a little sheepish.

3. Farmer Jim’s Accident:

Farmer Jim decided to take the trucking company responsible for his accident to court because of the severity of his injuries.

Needless to say, the trucking company hired a fancy lawyer and whilst questioning Farmer Jim in the courtroom he enquired, “Is it not true that at the scene of the accident you said specifically, in front of witnesses, ‘I’m fine’?“

Farmer Jim responded, “Sir, let me tell you what happened. I had just loaded my best mule Bessie into the…….“

“I didn’t ask you for any details sir,” the lawyer interrupted, “Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’ Yes or No?”

Farmer Jim said, “Well, I’d just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….“

Once again, the lawyer was quick to interrupt Farmer Jim mid-sentence.

Looking at the Judge the lawyer said, “Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman at the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.“

Well as luck would have it, the judge was interested in what Farmer Jim had to say, so he said to the lawyer, “I’m sorry sir but I’d like to hear what this man has to say. So I would ask him to continue with his story.”

Jim thanked the Judge and continued.

“Well,” he said, “I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and I was driving her down the highway when this huge truck with a trailer ran the stop sign and T-boned my truck.”

“And then what happened?” The Judge enquired.

“Well, I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other,” Jim responded.

“And were you hurt?” The Judge asked.

“Yes,” said Jim. “I was hurting real bad and I didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.”

“And then what happened?” the Judge asked.

“Well, shortly after the accident the Highway Patrolman appeared at the scene,” Jim said.

“And what did he do?” the Judge responded.

“Well Your Honor, he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her momentarily he then took out his gun and shot her between the eyes,” said Jim.

“And did you say to the Highway Patrolman that you were fine?” The Judge asked.

“Well,” said Jim. “After he shot Bessie, he came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me and said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had no choice but to shoot her. How are you feeling?’”

4. You can’t win:

After 15 years of marriage, my wife complained frequently about my absent-minded habit of not putting the cap back on the toothpaste after I brushed my teeth.

It irritated her to the point where she’d embarrass me about it when we were out with friends.

So, naturally, I decided to change this bad habit to make my wife happy.

For a week, I made sure that I always replaced the cap on the toothpaste, every time I brushed my teeth.

I know it was a small gesture, but I thought my wife would at some point express her appreciation that I was at least trying to change my ways.

Yesterday we were out for dinner with friends when she suddenly remarked, “Why have you stopped brushing your teeth?“

Moral of the Story: Marriage can be a challenging relationship.

5. Day of Reckoning:

A Catholic priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates as St Peter processes the new arrivals to the Kingdom of Heaven.

Ahead of the priest in the queue is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, jeans and a leather jacket.

This guy gets to the front of the line and St Peter looks at his clipboard, looks the guy up and down and then asks, “Could you tell me your name please, so I may confirm whether you’re to be admitted to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

“Sure!” says the guy. “I’m Joe Cohen and I was a taxi driver in New York City.”

St Peter looks down his list and ticks off Joe Cohen’s name. He then smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and the golden staff Mr Cohen and you may enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

Joe Cohen smiles and walks through the Pearly Gates in his silken robe and carrying the golden staff, whilst it’s the priest’s turn with St Peter.

Before St Peter can utter a single word the priest says, “I’m Father Joseph O’Donnell and I have been the parish priest at St Andrews Roman Catholic Church in Manhattan for the past 40 years.”

Once again St Peter consults his clipboard, ticks off Father O’Donnell’s name and then says, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff father and you may enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

Having seen Joe Cohen receive a silken robe and a golden staff Father O’Donnell is left feeling a little short-changed.

“Hold it there, just a minute,” said Father O’Donnell. “How is it that Joe Cohen got silk and gold and yet I only get cotton and wood? How can this be? Surely there’s some mistake?”

“No mistake,” St Peter responded. “In heaven, we reward by results. When you gave your sermons your congregation slept. When Joe Cohen drove his taxi his passengers prayed.”

6. The Annual Check-up:

An 85-year-old man was visiting his doctor for his annual check-up.

“So Mr Jenkins, how are you keeping?” the doctor enquired.

“Doctor, I’ve never felt better,” Mr Jenkins responded. “I’ve even married my 18-year-old girlfriend recently and she’s now pregnant with my child. So, how about that then?”

The doctor considered this momentarily and then said, “Let me tell you a story, Mr Jenkins. A friend of mine was a keen hunter. One day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up an umbrella instead of his gun.”

“Really?” said Mr Jenkins.

“Yes,” said the doctor. “Anyway, he was in the woods when suddenly a very large grizzly bear appeared in front of him. He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?”

Dumbfounded the old man said, “No Doc, what?”

“The bear dropped dead in front of him,” the doctor replied.

“No Doc, that can’t be right.” said the old man. “That’s impossible! Someone else must have shot the bear.”

The doctor smiled and said, “Exactly!

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes?

If any of these really funny jokes made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share it now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

You might like to try these free games too:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

4 Hilariously Funny Short Story Jokes

02/12/2024 by

If you’re looking for some hilariously funny short story jokes, dear reader, then I’ve got four today that you might just enjoy.

Take a few moments to check them out, and then please feel free to pass them on to your friends.

Hilariously funny short story jokes:

1. Jackie and the Game Warden:

Steve and Jackie went on vacation to a fishing resort in Montana.

Steve was a keen fisherman, and he liked to go out fishing early in the morning. Whereas when she’s on vacation, Jackie prefers to just relax and read a book.

One morning, after a few hours of fishing on the lake, Steve returned in his boat and, feeling a little tired by now, decided to take a midday nap.

At this point, Jackie is feeling in need of a little fresh air, and though unfamiliar with their boat, she decided to take it out onto the lake.

So she motored out a short distance, anchored the boat, and then continued reading her book in the peace and tranquility of this beautiful part of the world.

Jackie’s sitting and reading for about half an hour when suddenly the Game Warden’s boat pulls up next to her boat.

“Good day, mam,” said the Game Warden. “What are you doing?”

“I’m reading a book,” Jackie replied.

“Mam, do you realize that you’re in a restricted fishing area?” said the Game Warden.

“Does that really matter?” said Jackie. “I’m not fishing; I’m reading.”

The Game Warden cast his experienced eye over her boat and then said, “Mam, I can see your boat has all the equipment for fishing. For all I know, you could start at any moment. I’m afraid I’ll have to write you up a ticket.”

Jackie smiled and then said, “Officer, if you do that, I will file a complaint against you for sexual assault.”

Surprised and slightly concerned by her response, the Game Warden said, “Mam, what do you mean? I haven’t laid a finger on you.”

“Perhaps,” said Jackie, “but you have all the equipment to do so. For all I know, you could start at any moment.”

“You have a nice day, mam”, said the Game Warden, as he re-started his engine and sailed away, leaving Jackie to her reading.

Moral of the Story: Don’t mess with women. You won’t win.

2. The silent treatment:

Frank and his wife, Liz, were giving each other the silent treatment after an argument.

This had gone on for 10 days when Frank realized he needed her to wake him the following morning at 5 a.m. so he could catch the 8 a.m. flight to Los Angeles for a very important business meeting.

However, Frank didn’t want to be the first to break the silence, so he left a note on her bedside table that read, “Please wake me at 5 a.m.”

The next morning, he woke up only to find it was already 9 a.m. So he’d missed his flight to Los Angeles.

Frank was furious, and he was about to ask his wife why she hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper on his bedside table. It read, “It’s 5 a.m. Wake up.”

Moral of the Story: Don’t mess with women. You won’t win.

3. A woman’s contribution:

One evening, Bill returned home from work only to find his home completely wrecked and upside down. Everything was a complete mess.

Bill’s three young children were still in their pyjamas, eating snacks from the fridge. The entrance rug, normally in the hall, was lying on the table. The television in the living room was blasting out cartoons loudly. And every item of furniture in the room was covered in stuff.

He walked into the kitchen only to find that the sink was full of dishes. Leftovers from breakfast were scattered all over the counter, and it was covered in crumbs too.

So Bill immediately ran up the stairs, dodging toys and piles of clothes, fearing his wife might be gravely ill or that some other misfortune might have happened to her.

When he entered their bedroom, breathless, Bill found his wife lying happily in bed, still in her pyjamas, reading a book.

Watching him struggle for breath, she smiled and said, “Hello, honey, how was your day?”

Feeling more than surprised and a little confused, Bill asked his wife, “What’s going on? What the hell has been happening here today?“

Once again, Bill’s wife smiled and said, “Remember that argument we had last night when you hurtfully asked me what the hell I did all day?”

“Ehhhh, yes, I think so”, said Bill, still slightly confused.

“Well today I didn’t do any of it, so now you know,” his wife responded.

Moral of the Story: Don’t mess with women. You won’t win.

4. It could be worse:

Jim’s walking past his son Tim’s room when he notices it’s incredibly clean and neat. As Tim’s not usually quite so fastidious in matters of housekeeping, Jim is naturally suspicious. So, he enters the room, and immediately he notices that there is a note on Tim’s bed addressed to Dad.

Nervously, Jim picks up the letter and opens it.

The letter reads,

“Dear Dad, I’ve run away with Betsy. She’s 20 years older than me, but I love her. We had to elope because she’s pregnant with my child. As we didn’t have enough money, I stole some from your wallet. We’re going to live in the woods below the Santa Monica Mountains, where she has a trailer, and where we will be growing marijuana and trading drugs with the local community. Once we have enough money, we’ll be able to get her the treatment she needs for AIDS. We plan to have at least eight children, and once we’re settled, we’ll visit you each year.

If you’ve read this far, Dad, don’t worry; I’m just kidding around. I’m hanging out at Mikey’s place. I just wanted you to realise that there are worse things than my report card, which you’ll find on my desk if you want to read it. Call me when it’s safe to head back home. Love you, Tim.”

Moral of the Story: Don’t mess with your kids. You won’t win with them either.

Please share the fun:

I hope you found these jokes as funny as you’d hoped, dear reader.

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh. If so, click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today, then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

So go on, please do it now. I’ll be ever so grateful.

Thank you for your support.

You might like to try these free games too:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

7 lame jokes funny enough to make you laugh

02/11/2024 by
Lame Jokes

If you enjoy lame jokes, dear reader, then I’ve got some great ones for you today. I’m confident that at least some of these will make you laugh.

Enjoy them all and feel free to share them with your friends.

Lame Jokes:

1. Miscommunication:

Betty is sitting on the porch with her husband sipping a glass of wine.

“I love you so much,” says Betty. “In fact, I doubt if I could live without you. Not even for a single day.”

Her husband, Jim, is flattered and almost speechless. His wife had never shown him quite so much affection.

“Oh, Betty, I didn’t know you cared so much,” said Jim.

“Oh, yes,” said Betty, “this wine is really very special to me.”

2. Two wishes:

Jake and Maggie are a married couple in their sixties and one day they’re visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.

“I want to travel around the world with my darling husband,” says Maggie.

“Your wish is granted,” says the fairy.

Then there’s a POOF sound and miraculously two tickets for a luxury cruise appear in Maggie’s hand.

“I’m sorry,” says Jake, “but my wish is to have a wife that’s 30 years younger than me.”

“Your wish is granted,” says the fairy.

With that, the fairy waves a wand and miraculously Jake is transformed into a 92-year-old.

Moral of the Story: Ungrateful men should remember that fairies are female and loyal to the sisterhood.

3. Shot of whiskey:

Jim drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed.

After years of this, his wife, Elaine is worried about him and wants him to quit.

Naturally, Elaine wants to ensure that Jim really understands why she’s concerned.

As they’re sitting at the table, Elaine says to him, “Jim, dear, we need to talk.”

With that, she places two shot glasses on the table and fills one with water and the other with whiskey.

“Now, Jim, I want you to watch what happens next,” says Elaine.

With that, she takes two worms from his fishing-bait box and puts one in each of the shot glasses.

The worm in the water starts swimming around in the glass.

Sadly, the worm in the whiskey dies immediately.

Feeling she’s made her point, Elaine says, “So, Jim, what do you have to say about this little experiment?”

“Well dear, that’s obvious,” says Jim. “If I keep drinking whiskey, I won’t get worms.”

4. Little Johnny Joke:

Little Johnny is sitting in his math class and the teacher asks him, “Johnny, how many feet are there in a yard?”

Little Johnny thinks momentarily and then responds, “Well, miss, that would depend on how many people are standing in the yard.”

5. The pharmacist:

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

“Mam,” says the pharmacist, “I have to ask you what it’s for?”

“I want to kill my husband,” the woman responds.

“I’m sorry, mam,” says the pharmacist, “but I can’t let you have it for that.”

With that, the woman shows the pharmacist a photograph of his wife in bed with her husband.

The pharmacist studies the photograph momentarily and then says, “Oh, right, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

6. The reptile house:

Towards the end of a hectic day at the zoo, staff tried to tidy up as quickly as possible before closing for the evening.

In their haste to finish their work in the reptile house, the glass tanks were left open by mistake.

Within minutes dozens of snakes had escaped.

With some highly venomous snakes on the loose, the head keeper was desperately trying to round them up, with little to no success.

Eventually, the head keeper turned to his assistant and said, “It’s no use, I’ll have to call a politician.”

“A politician?” the assistant exclaimed, a little bewildered. “How will a politician help us now?”

“Well,” said the head keeper, “we need someone who can speak their language.”

7. The miracle:

One morning, a disabled man hobbled into St Patrick’s Catholic Church on crutches.

The man stopped in front of the font, dipped a cupped hand into the holy water and then started splashing and rubbing holy water on both of his legs.

When he’d finished, he threw away his crutches.

Watching this event was an altar boy, who was truly amazed by this act which demonstrated the power of belief in God.

Immediately, the boy ran into the rectory to tell Father O’Connor, the Parish priest, what he’d seen.

“Son,” said Father O’Connor, “what you’ve just witnessed is a miracle. Tell me, where is this man now?”

“Flat on his ass, over there by the holy water,” said the boy.

Please share this post:

So dear reader, was this post worth a few minutes of your time? Did you enjoy these lame jokes? Were they the ‘full groan‘?

Perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

If you did enjoy this post then please share it with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

Thank you for your support.

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

10 funny but stupid jokes that’ll tickle your children

02/06/2024 by
Stupid Jokes

One of life’s great joys is sharing a laugh with children.

There’s nothing quite as infectious as a child laughing uncontrollably. I’m sure you’ll agree with that, dear reader.

All you need is a little ammunition in the form of a book of stupid jokes, and you’re well on your way to creating memories that will last a lifetime.

I recently stumbled upon a hilarious book that works well with young children.

The book is Smarties Big Book of Stupid Jokes by Michael Powell, and I think it’s hilarious. It’s stuffed full of the sort of stupid jokes you’d find in Christmas crackers.

It contains an excellent collection of over 2,500 hilariously funny and silly jokes, all guaranteed to get a child laughing.

So take a break from the smartphones and iPads and you can have hours of fun making your children laugh and showing them there’s life beyond electronic gadgets.

Each joke has a simple two-line structure, poking fun at everything from addled animals to witless wizards. These are jokes that children will love, and they’ll be eager to share them with their friends.

This collection of jokes will allow children to dazzle their friends, disarm their enemies, and impress their teachers.

And remember, if a child has a stock of jokes to tell, then they’ll always be popular with their peer group.

So I’ve got to tell you, dear reader, you can’t lose with this book. It’s inexpensive and a sure-fire winner.

Allow me to offer you some examples of the wit and humour that you’ll find between the covers of Smarties Big Book of Stupid Jokes by Michael Powell:

Stupid jokes just for you:

  • What did one pig say to the other?
  • Let’s be pen pals
  • Why do cows lie down when it’s cold?
  • To keep each udder warm
  • Which fish go to heaven when they die?
  • Angel fish
  • Why don’t bears wear socks?
  • Because they like to walk in their bear feet
  • What’s black and white and eats like a horse?
  • A zebra
  • What’s out of bounds?
  • An exhausted kangaroo
  • Why are anteaters good workers?
  • Because a little aardvark never hurt anyone
  • Why shouldn’t you tell a pig a secret?
  • Because pigs are squealers
  • What do porcupines have that other animals don’t?
  • Baby porcupines
  • Why did the chicken walk on the telephone wire?
  • She wanted to lay it on the line

The book Smarties Big Book of Stupid Jokes by Michael Powell is available from Amazon and if you’d like to take a look inside or purchase a copy, then just CLICK HERE

DISCLOSURE: This post contains Amazon affiliate links, which means that if you purchase via these links, a small commission will be paid. There will be no additional cost to you as the purchaser. Such commissions serve only to cover the cost of maintaining this website. Your support is appreciated. Thank you.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post worth a few minutes of your time?

Perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

If you enjoyed this post, then please share it with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

21 funny quotes you’ll absolutely love

02/05/2024 by

I love quotes, and I love those funny quotes that make you smile and make you think.

Here are 21 funny quotes to highlight my point. Enjoy them all.

Funny quotes:

  1. Smile today, because tomorrow could be worse. ~Anonymous
  2. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. ~Anonymous
  3. I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it. ~Anonymous
  4. You’re born free, then you’re taxed to death. ~Anonymous
  5. He who wakes up early yawns all day long. ~Anonymous
  6. I’m not lazy; I’m just very relaxed. ~Anonymous
  7. Those who snore always fall asleep first. ~Anonymous
  8. Stupidity is far more fascinating than intelligence; after all, intelligence has its limits. ~Anonymous
  9. I just wanted you to know somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does. ~Anonymous
  10. “Revenge” sounds so mean; that’s why I prefer to call it “Returning the favor.” ~Anonymous
  11. The probability of meeting someone you know increases a hundredfold when you’re with someone you’re not supposed to be seen with. ~Anonymous
  12. It’s alright if you don’t agree with me. I can’t force you to be right. ~Anonymous
  13. To make a mistake is human, but to blame it on someone else, now that shows political skill. ~Anonymous
  14. It may look like I’m doing nothing but in my head, I’m quite busy. ~Anonymous
  15. When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn’t then go in through the window. ~Anonymous
  16. Doing nothing is hard because you never know when you’re done. ~Anonymous
  17. Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. ~Anonymous
  18. I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food. I don’t even know where sandwiches live. ~Anonymous
  19. Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I have problems, you’re there. Whenever I lose control, you’re there. Let’s face it, you’re bad luck. ~Anonymous
  20. I don’t need anger management. You just need to stop making me angry! ~Anonymous
  21. My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one. ~Anonymous
Ad - Web Hosting from SiteGround - Crafted for easy site management. Click to learn more.

Affiliate Disclosure: Commission received for purchases made via the link. There is no additional charge to the purchaser. Thank you for your support.

If you enjoyed these funny quotes, please share them:

funny quotes

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these funny quotes made you smile, then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share them now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All Rights Reserved.

Filed Under: Quotes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

5 jokes that will make anyone laugh to raise a smile

02/04/2024 by

Are you looking for some jokes that will make anyone laugh, dear reader? Well, I can offer you five today that might just fit the bill. They’re nothing too naughty, but they might make you smile. I hope so, anyway.

If you do enjoy them, please feel free to share them.

Jokes that will make anyone laugh:

1. First time:

Bernadette was a young, single Catholic girl from Brooklyn. 

One morning, Bernadette went to confession.

She went into the confessional box, knelt down, and spoke quietly.

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” said Bernadette. 

“Go ahead, my child, what is this sin of which you speak?” Father Murphy, the parish priest, responded.

“Father,” said Bernadette, “it’s a little embarrassing.”

“Just take your time, my child,” said Father Murphy to reassure her.

“Well,” said Bernadette, “last night I made love with my boyfriend, Father. I couldn’t help myself. I swear it was the first time, but he was so charming, and he took me to heaven and back, Father. However, I’m not married, so I know it was a sin. I’ve come here now seeking absolution.”

Father Murphy thought momentarily and then said, “My child, I want you to say ten Hail Marys before you leave the church and then go home, fill a glass with vinegar, add two teaspoons full of mustard, stare it up, and then drink it all.”

“Yes, Father,” said Bernadette, a little confused. “And will that absolve me of this terrible sin?”

“No, my child,” Father Murphy responded, “but it will wipe the smile off your face!“

2. A lack of passion:

A retired couple, Rick and Diane, have been married for 30 years, but their marriage is not in a good place, so they go to see a counsellor.

When the counsellor asks what the problem is, Diane immediately bursts into a rant about how terrible everything is, listing every issue she’s ever had in the 30 years they’ve been married. 

It was just an endless list of issues, one after another. She just kept banging on and on about why she was not happy.

The counsellor listened momentarily, and then he got up, went around the desk, embraced Diane and kissed her passionately. 

Diane is stunned into silence and she just shuts up and sits quietly in a complete daze.

The counsellor then turns to Rick and says, “That’s what your wife needs and she needs it three times a week. Can you help her Rick?”

“Well,” says Rick, “I could bring her here on Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays, I play golf.”

3. Sheltered life:

Jim lived in a small town and had led a fairly sheltered life. So he decides it’s time to explore the world a bit. 

He’d heard a lot about the wonders of the Big Apple, so he decided to visit New York City.

He’s wandering around Macy’s browsing when he spots a Thermos flask.

“What’s this?” Jim asks the clerk.

“Well,” said the clerk, “it’s a flask that keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

Now Jim may be a bit of a hayseed but he can see that such a flask could be very useful, so he buys one.

When he returns home, he takes the Thermos flask into the office to show his buddies.

“What is it?” they ask, in unison.

“It’s called a Thermos flask,” says Jim, “and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

“Wow!” says his buddy, Bill, “What have you got in there now?”

“Two cups of coffee and a choc ice,” says Jim.

4. White knuckle ride:

A New York City cab driver is driving down Broadway with a passenger heading for Battery Park.

The cab gets to a red light but the driver just goes straight through it.

The passenger sees what’s happened and shouts, “Hey buddy, be careful! I wanna get to Battery Park in one piece!”

“Hey, don’t worry,” says the cab driver. “My brother does it all the time.”

They get to the next junction, the light’s red, but the cab driver just sails on through again.

The passenger’s not happy. “Hey, buddy,” he shouts, “you’ll get us both killed.”

“My brother does it all the time, I’m telling you,” says the driver.

They get to the next junction and once again the light’s red but the driver doesn’t stop.

“You’ve gotta stop this!” screams the passenger.

“Chill out!” says the driver. “I told you, my brother does it all the time.”

They get to the 34th Street junction, the light’s green but the driver screeches to a halt.

“Hey buddy,” says the passenger, “the light’s green, why did you stop?”

“It’s 34th Street,” says the cab driver. “My brother lives on 34th Street and I’m not sure what time he starts work.”

5. Copying ancient texts:

At the Benedictine Monastery Paul, a novice Catholic monk arrives to prove his suitability for admission to the religious order.

After being given a little time to settle in, Paul’s asked to assist the other monks with copying ancient texts by hand.

Whilst he’s observing the process, Paul notices that the other monks are making their copies from documents which are themselves copies, not the original texts.

So Paul goes to the Abbot to raise his concerns.

“Reverend Father,” says Paul, “It appears the monks are making their copies from copies and not original texts. So if there were any mistakes made in those copies those mistakes will be repeated in the new copies.” 

“Paul,” said the Abbot, “you make an important point. The Benedictine order has been making copies for centuries and the rules by which we live are defined in those ancient texts. I must investigate.”

With that, the Abbot goes down deep into the cellar of the monastery with one of the most recent copies and proceeds to check it very carefully against the original ancient text.

Several days pass and the monks have not seen the Abbot.

Eventually, Paul and the other monks decide that a group of them should go looking for him. So Paul leads a delegation down into the cellar. 

As they’re walking down the ancient steps, they can hear the Abbot sobbing.

When they find him, still sobbing, Paul asks, “Reverend Father, what’s wrong?”

“You idiots!” the Abbot responds. “The word was CELEBRATE!”

Ad - Web Hosting from SiteGround - Crafted for easy site management. Click to learn more.

Affiliate Disclosure: Commission received for purchases made via the link. There is no additional charge to the purchaser. Thank you for your support.

Please share this post with your friends:

jokes that will make anyone laugh

Did you enjoy these jokes that will make anyone laugh, dear reader? I hope at least some of them made you laugh.

Perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, please click on the links below.

And if you did enjoy this post then please share it with your friends on social media. When you share, surely everyone’s a winner?

Your support is truly appreciated.

Thank you.

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All Rights Reserved.

Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

6 witty jokes that’ll definitely make you laugh

02/04/2024 by

If you’re looking for some witty jokes that will make you laugh, then I’ve got six good ones here for you to enjoy today. Enjoy them all, and please feel free to pass them on.

Witty Jokes:

1. Rumblings in the night:

Bob was an American businessman on his first trip to London. He was really excited about the trip because he’d been invited to stay in a large stately home by the wealthy aristocratic family with whom he was doing business.

He was shown his room by his host, and he couldn’t help but be seriously impressed. The room was very grand and spacious, with a wonderful view. It also had an enormous wardrobe and a fabulous en-suite bathroom.

After a large evening meal and quite a few drinks with his host, Bob staggered back to his room late, feeling jet-lagged and a little tipsy, and immediately fell on his bed, still in his business suit. He was sound asleep within seconds. 

However, at about 4 a.m., Bob was awakened suddenly by an urgent feeling that an uncontrollable bowel movement was imminent. The intestinal pressure was such that he realised he needed to move fast.

Despite feeling a little disoriented, he jumped off his bed in a flash, but there was no time to switch on the lights. 

He could barely get to the bathroom quickly enough. Struggling to get his trousers down, he burst through the door and probed around with his hands in the dark trying to locate the toilet.

However, his bowels couldn’t contain the pressure any longer, and a foul-smelling intestinal load was dumped uncontrollably on the floor.

His brain struggled to come to terms with his surroundings and what had just happened.  Well, he thought, at least it couldn’t get any worse.

Then he realised that he was standing in the walk-in wardrobe. 

2. Presence of mind:

Jim’s wife accused him of hating all her family and relatives.

“Now, that’s not true,” said Jim.

“Then give me an example of a relative of mine that you actually like,” his wife, Jane, responded.

“Well, for a start, I like your mother-in-law much more than I like mine,” said Jim.  

3. Unintended consequences:

Witty Jokes

Rick’s wealthy father was in such poor health that he had no more than a couple of months to live.

Recognizing that he would soon inherit his father’s fortune, Rick decided it was time for him to find himself a good woman with whom he could enjoy a wealthy lifestyle.

So, one evening, he visited a singles bar, where he immediately spotted a very beautiful woman sitting alone at a table in the corner.

This woman was truly stunning, and Rick couldn’t help being mesmerised by her beauty.

He walked over to her table and said, “Mam, I may not be the best-looking guy in this bar, but within a few months I will inherit a $100 million fortune, as sadly, my wealthy father’s dying.”

The woman was so impressed that she went home with Rick that evening.

Two weeks later, she became Rick’s stepmother.

Moral of the story: You underestimate women at your peril.

4. The ageing mind:

An old man named Bill realised that he needed to use the toilet.

So he got up and walked across the house to the pantry.

He couldn’t remember why he’d gone to the pantry, but he did remember that he needed to go to the toilet.

So he walked back across the house to the bathroom.

As he sat down on the throne, only then did he remember why he’d gone to the pantry.

Toilet paper!

5. How many wives:

Two little boys, Tim and Jerry, were at a wedding when Tim asked Jerry, “How many wives can a man have?”

To which, Jerry responded, “Sixteen!”

 “Sixteen?” Tim asked. “How did you work that out?”

“Well,” said Jerry, “the priest has just said, four better, four worse, four richer and four poorer. So four times four is sixteen.”

6. Lateral thinking:

Four old High School buddies were on a road trip, staying in motels along the way. Naturally, to keep the cost down they’d just book two rooms and then share.

The problem was, no one wanted to share with Bob because they all knew he snored so loudly.

To make it fair, Tom, Dick and Harry agreed that they would take it in turns to spend the night in a room with Bob.

On the first night, Tom shared the room with Bob.

The following morning Tom arrived at breakfast, looking completely shattered.

“What happened to you?” asked Dick.

“Oh, it was awful,” said Tom. “Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up all night and watched him.”

The next night it was Dick’s turn to share with Bob.

The following morning Dick arrived at breakfast looking tired and his eyes were all bloodshot.

“Man, you look shattered,” said Tom. “I’m guessing Bob was making a lot of noise in the night?”

“Jeez,” said Dick, “He was making enough noise to wake the dead. I was awake all night just watching him.”

On the third night, it was Harry’s turn to share with Bob.

Harry was a wily old cowboy and a real man’s man. 

The next morning Harry arrived at breakfast looking bright-eyed, fresh and well-rested. 

“Good morning guys,” said Harry.

Tom and Dick couldn’t believe their eyes.

“How did you manage to sleep?” asked Tom.

“Well,” said Harry, “we got ready for bed, I went and tucked Bob in, then I kissed him goodnight. And he sat up all night watching me.”

Please share this post with your friends:

Witty Jokes

If you enjoy witty jokes, dear reader, then I hope some of these made you laugh.

Perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, please click on the links below.

And if you did enjoy this post then please share it with your friends on social media. When you share witty jokes, surely everyone’s a winner?

Your support is truly appreciated.

Thank you.

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All Rights Reserved.

Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

40 funny quick jokes you’ll just love

02/03/2024 by
funny-quick-jokes

If you’re looking for some funny quick jokes then take a look at the 40 I’ve put together for you today. I’m confident that you’ll find plenty of laughs here.

Enjoy them all.

And feel free to pass them on.

Funny quick jokes (1-10):

  1. I quit my job making soles for shoes. It was a bit of a treadmill.
  2. Jane and Bill were getting divorced. Naturally, they split the house. Bill got the outside.
  3. Bob’s wife opened the car door for him. He’d have considered it a nice gesture if they’d not been travelling at 70 mph.
  4. If I win the lottery, I promise you that no one around me will be poor. I’ll move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
  5. A Mexican magician said he’d disappear at the count of three. Uno … dos, then poof! He disappeared without a tres.
  6. A male fly notices an attractive female fly lounging on a pile of cow manure. In an attempt to impress her, the male fly said, “Excuse me, beautiful, is that stool taken?”
  7. A woman was up in court for attacking her boyfriend with two guitars. “First offender?” The judge inquired. “No, your honour,” said her counsel, “the first was a Gibson. The second was a Fender.”
  8. I hate it when people’s grammar is so poor that they mix up there, their and they’re. So now I just tell them, weather they like it or not.
  9. What have I learned from studying cows, buffalos, and elephants? Well, for a start, it’s impossible to reduce weight just by eating grass, salads, and walking.
  10. I found something in my wardrobe that I hadn’t worn since graduation. Amazingly, it still fits me. Well, it was only my college scarf, but I like to look for the positives.

Funny quick jokes (11-20):

  1. Are donuts classified as hole food?
  2. Plagiarism is just getting into trouble for something you didn’t do.
  3. When I was young, I was poor. However, after years of hard but honest work, I’m no longer young.
  4. I went for my annual physical, and my physician said, “Don’t eat anything fatty.” I said, “You mean like burgers, bacon, that sort of thing?” To which he responded, “No fatty, don’t eat anything.”
  5. My son came home and said there would be a small get-together at his school tomorrow. “How small?” I asked. “Well,” he responded, “it’s just you, me, and the principal.”
  6. Was it just me, growing up, or did anyone else believe that Hugh Rynal invented the public convenience?
  7. Wife: I have blisters on my hands from that broom. Husband: Why didn’t you just use the car?
  8. I’ve been fired from my job as a masseur. My boss said I rubbed people the wrong way.
  9. I went to see a psychiatrist today, and she told me I had a split personality. Then she charged me $160. So, I gave her $80 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.
  10. If a runner was accidentally shot with a starting pistol, would that be classified as race-related?

Funny quick jokes (21-30):

  1. If you need an ark, then I Noah guy.
  2. How can a door be a door if it’s ajar?
  3. Avoid dangerous cults. Practise safe sects.
  4. Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.
  5. To some people, marriage is a word, to others, it’s a sentence.
  6. I’ve heard that the company that makes yardsticks is not making them any longer.
  7. Did you know that before the crowbar was invented, crows had to drink at home?
  8. If a cow doesn’t produce milk, does that make it a milk dud or an udder failure?
  9. I’m told that it’s not a good idea to play tennis with a cymbal. It makes a terrible racket.
  10. A farmer was milking his best cow and had a good rhythm going when suddenly a fly flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it until suddenly the fly squirted out into the bucket. He then realised that the cow had gone in one ear and out the udder.

Funny quick jokes (31-40):

  1. Where did the Terminator find toilet paper? Aisle B Back.
  2. If I drink holy water with a laxative, would that start a religious movement?
  3. Believe it or not, my friend speaks to his garden. Yes, Jack and the Beans talk.
  4. There’s one thing you can be sure of, laxatives will give you a good run for your money.
  5. Have you heard about the guy who fell into a glass lens-making machine and made a spectacle of himself?
  6. As I was getting ready for bed, she said, “You’re drunk!” So I said, “How do you know?” And she said, “Because you live next door.”
  7. A guy walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees and gives them to him. “Surely that’s too many,” says the guy. “No,” says the clerk. “I’ve given you a freebie.”
  8. I pulled out a nose hair today to see if it hurt. Judging by the reaction of the guy asleep next to me on the bus, it must have been very painful.
  9. I saw a guy stacking shelves at Walmart complaining because the top shelf was broken and he couldn’t keep it up. He told me he had wrecked aisle dysfunction.
  10. The difference in meaning between the words ‘Complete’ and ‘Finished’ can be somewhat unclear. Fortunately at a linguistic conference recently a speaker offered some clarity when he said, “When a man marries the right woman he will be complete. If he marries the wrong woman he will be finished. And should the right woman catch him fooling around with the wrong woman, he will be completely finished.”
Ad - Web Hosting from SiteGround - Crafted for easy site management. Click to learn more.

Please share this post with your friends:

I hope you enjoyed these funny quick jokes, dear reader, and I hope at least some of them made you laugh.

Perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, please click on the links below.

And if you did enjoy this post then please share it with your friends on social media. When you share, surely everyone’s a winner?

Your support is truly appreciated.

Thank you.

Affiliate Disclosure: Commission received for purchases made via the link. There is no additional charge to the purchaser. Thank you for your support.

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All Rights Reserved.

Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

9 short jokes anyone can remember

02/01/2024 by

short-jokes-anyone-can-rememberLooking for some short jokes anyone can remember, dear reader? Well, I’ve got 9 little gems here for you today. Enjoy them all.

And please feel free to pass them on.

Short Jokes Anyone Can Remember

1. Eye-catching:

A guy walks into a hotel restaurant, and, as he’s being seated, he notices a very attractive woman at the next table.

Suddenly she sneezes, and, to his surprise, a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket.

It’s flying past the guy but he catches it and politely hands it back to the lady.

“Oh, my goodness,” says the lady, “this is so embarrassing.”

As she’s popping her eye back in place, she gradually regains her composure, and then she says, “I’m so sorry to have disturbed you, but I really appreciate your help. Why don’t you join me, and I’ll buy you dinner to make it up to you?”

The guy nods in agreement and he joins her at her table.

Despite her glass eye, the woman is stunningly attractive and a great conversationalist. The guy is having a wonderful evening and, as they chat, it’s obvious they have a lot in common.

Naturally, he gets her phone number and then says, “Mam, I have to say, you’re the most charming woman I’ve ever met. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No, not really,” the woman replies. “You just happened to catch my eye.”

2. Vacuum cleaner salesman:

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on my door.

He scattered a load of dog muck all over my carpet and then said, “Show me where I can plug in and if this vacuum cleaner doesn’t suck up every last dog dropping right now then I’ll eat the rest.”

I smiled and said, “Well, I hope you’re hungry because my electricity has just been cut off.”

3. Marital problems:

A guy’s sitting at the counter in a Manhattan bar looking miserable and staring into his beer.

“Are you alright buddy?” asks the bartender. “What’s the problem?”

The guy looks up from his drink and says, “Oh, my wife and I got into a fight and she said she wouldn’t be speaking to me for a month.”

In an attempt to be encouraging the bartender says, “Hey, come on now buddy, think positive. At least you’ll get some peace for a while.”

“Yeah, I know,” the guy responds, “but today’s the last day.”

4. The taxi ride:

Three buddies staggered out of a bar late one night, all well and truly sozzled. However, they did manage to hail a taxi and in they all climbed.

The taxi driver could see that they were all absolutely hammered and decided it was a situation he could use to his advantage. So he started the engine, waited a few minutes without moving and then turned it off again.

“Right fellas, we’ve reached our destination,” said the taxi driver. “That’ll be $30.”

The first guy gave him the money.

The second guy said, “Thank you, driver.”

But the third guy slapped the driver across the face.

The taxi driver was shocked and thought perhaps the third guy knew what had happened. Nevertheless, he said, “What the hell was that for, buddy?”

“You were driving like a maniac and you could have killed us,” the third guy responded. “Control your speed next time.”

short-jokes-anyone-can-remember5. Wise woman:

Rick said to his wife, Liz, one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful at the same time.”

“Well, dear husband of mine, allow me to explain,” said Liz. “God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. And then God made me stupid, so I would be attracted to you!”

6. Lost property:

Jim is on his way home, and he’s driving behind an ambulance.

As he’s driving along, he notices a small metal box on the back step of the ambulance.

As the ambulance turns a corner the box suddenly falls off and lands on the side of the road.

Being a public-spirited individual, Jim pulls over and retrieves it.

When Jim opens the box there is a human toe inside packed in ice.

Well, Jim realises that the owner will need this appendage, so he phones the local hospital to explain the situation.

Jim gives them his location and then asks whether they’ll be sending an ambulance to collect it.

“No, there’s no need,” they said. “We’ll just send a toe truck.”

7. Little Johnny Joke:

Little Johnny was standing outside his local shopping mall when he was approached by a man.

“Son, I’m lost,” said the man. “Could you tell me how I get to the Post Office from here?”

“Sure, mister,” said Little Johnny. “Walk down to the end of this road and turn right. Then you’ll see it on your left.”

“Thank you, son,” said the man. “I’m the new minister at the church. If you come along on Sunday, I’ll tell you how you can get to Heaven.”

“How are you going to do that?” asks Little Johnny. “You didn’t even know the way to the Post Office.”

8. Three wishes:

Tom, Dick and Harry are ship-wrecked on a desert island when they stumble upon an old oil lamp.

Tom picks up the lamp and starts rubbing it.

Immediately a genie appears and grants each of them a wish.

Tom immediately says he’d like to be back home in New York.

Poof! Then Tom’s gone and on his way home.

Dick then says his wish is to be back home in New York too.

Poof! Then Dick’s gone and on his way home.

Looking at Harry, the genie says, “So, what’s your wish?”

Harry thinks momentarily and then says, “Jeez, it sure is lonely without my two buddies. I wish they were both back here.”

9. Waiting for the bus:

A woman is having a problem with her wardrobe door in her bedroom. Each time a bus passes her house the door falls off.

She calls a repairman and he arrives to fix it.

The repairman sees that the door has fallen off.

So he puts it back in place and he then says to the woman, “I’ll now step inside the wardrobe and I’ll wait until a bus passes to see exactly what happens. You just close the door on me.”

So she closes the door but, as she does so, her husband arrives home and he’s heard his wife in the bedroom talking with someone.

Naturally, he wants to know what’s going on.

So, he rushes upstairs, storms into the bedroom and opens the wardrobe door. He sees the repairman and says, “OK buddy, what the hell are you doing in there?”

“You might find this hard to believe,” says the repairman, “but I’m waiting for a bus.”

Please share this post with your friends:

If you enjoyed these short jokes anyone can remember, dear reader, and I hope they made you laugh.

Perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, please click on the links below.

And if you did enjoy this post then please share it with your friends on social media. When you share jokes, surely everyone’s a winner?

Your support is truly appreciated.

Thank you.

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All Rights Reserved.

Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

10 funny jokes guaranteed to have you howling with laughter

01/30/2024 by

Funny JokesIf you enjoy a good laugh then these funny jokes are just for you. These 10 funny jokes are guaranteed to make you laugh. So sit back, relax and enjoy them all.

And once you’ve enjoyed them, please feel free to pass them on.

Funny Jokes:

1. The Tiny Pianist:

A guy walks into a New York bar pushing a small suitcase on wheels.

He takes a seat at the bar and then he begins to open the suitcase carefully.

With the suitcase open, he takes out the tiniest piano you’ve ever seen and places it on the bar. The bartender watches him, a little puzzled.

The guy then reaches back into the suitcase and takes out a tiny man. This little man is no taller than ten inches high and the guy then seats him at the tiny piano.

The tiny man then begins to play a piece by Chopin on the piano in a way that is both enchanting and absolutely beautiful.

The bartender walks up to the guy and says “Gee, where did you get the tiny pianist? He’s brilliant.“

The guy puts his hand back into his suitcase again and pulls out an old magic lamp, which he then hands to the bartender.

He says to the bartender, “Here, rub this and make a wish.“

The bartender says, “Are you serious?”

The guy says, “Sure, go ahead.”

So the bartender rubs the lamp and says “I wish for a million bucks!“

There is a loud ‘poof’ sound before a million ducks start marching into the bar.

The bartender looks at the man and says, “Buddy, I think your magic lamp is broken.“

The guy looks at him, smiles then says, “Tell me something I don’t know. You don’t really think I asked for a 10-inch pianist do you?“

2. An engineer goes to Hell:

An engineer dies and suddenly finds himself standing at the Pearly Gates, in front of Saint Peter who’s holding a clipboard.

Saint Peter takes a few moments to review his list and then says to the engineer, “I’m sorry old boy but you’re not on the list. That means you’ll have to go down below I’m afraid.”

The engineer is a little disheartened but trudges off in search of the gates to Hell.

When he arrives in Hell he’s less than impressed. It’s hot, it’s smelly and it’s very miserable.

However, being an engineer, he’s very resourceful. So immediately he decides to take action to improve his situation.

He realises that if he’s to be comfortable he must do something about the heat. So he decides to install air conditioning. Once he gets that working, everything cools down quite quickly and it’s all a little bit more pleasant.

Installing the air conditioning proved to be thirsty work but there aren’t any cold drinks. So the engineer decides to install refrigeration and before you know it everyone in Hell is able to relax with a cold beer.

When he’s got everyone cool and the beer cold, the engineer realises they don’t have any entertainment. So he decides to install cable television. Before you know it they’re all enjoying hundreds of television channels.

Suddenly life in Hell is getting quite pleasant and the engineer is becoming a popular guy. Well, why wouldn’t he be? He’s constantly using his skills to make life better for everyone.

Anyway, one day, God has reason to phone the Devil. Needless to say, God can’t resist having a little fun at the Devil’s expense.

“So how’s it all going down there, Devil? Still hot and miserable?” says God.

To which the Devil replies, “Well actually things are great down here right now. Since you sent us that engineer we’ve been able to upgrade our facilities substantially.“

God is annoyed and cannot conceal his irritation, saying, “What? You’ve got an engineer? How did that happen? There’s always a place for engineers up here in Heaven, we need their skills. There must be some mistake”

Now it’s the Devil who feels he’s the one who can have a little fun and he responds with a laugh, “Well he’s here with us now and we’re pleased to have him.”

“Send him up here right now,” says God,

The Devil’s having none of it, and he responds, “No way! We’re keeping him. He’s far too useful to let go.“

God decides it’s time to apply a little pressure, so he says, “Look Devil, either you send him up here to me immediately or I’ll have no choice but to sue you!“

The Devil falls about laughing and says, “And where will you find a lawyer?“

3. The Bear and the Rabbit:

A bear was chasing a rabbit through the forest.

They ran into a clearing and the bear chased the rabbit around a giant redwood tree where, as luck would have it, a genie lived.

The genie got so tired of the noise they were making that finally he came out and told them both that he would grant them both three wishes if they’d just agree to go away and leave him in peace.

Naturally, the pair agreed. Who wouldn’t want three wishes after all?

So, the bear said he’d go first. “I wish from now on that every bear in this forest is both female and very, very horny.“

The genie granted him his wish.

The rabbit just grinned and simply asked for a motorcycle crash helmet.

The genie granted him his wish too. There was a ‘poof’ sound and then in the rabbit’s paw was a top of the range motorcycle crash helmet.

The bear was somewhat puzzled by the rabbit’s request but he continued nevertheless with his second wish. “I wish from now that on every bear in the whole country is both female and very, very horny!“

The genie granted the bear his second wish.

Again the rabbit grinned and then he said that his second wish was for a Harley Davidson motorcycle.

This wish was granted too and again there was a ‘poof’ sound and suddenly there in the forest stood a gleaming Harley Davidson.

The rabbit jumped on the Harley; put his helmet on and then started gunning the hog.

The bear looked at the rabbit, smiled and said, “You must be the dumbest rabbit I’ve ever met!“

It was time for the bear’s final wish, so he said, “I wish from now on that every bear in the whole world is both female and very, very horny!“

The genie granted him his third and final wish. “Rest assured”, the genie said to the bear, “every bear you will ever meet from now on will be both female and very, very horny.”

The bear looked very pleased with himself.

The genie then looked at the rabbit and said, “So, what’s your final wish?”

The rabbit laughed out loud and said, “I wish that from now on the bear is gay.“

With that, the rabbit gunned the hog and disappeared into the sunset.

4. The Taxidermist:

A guy walks into a redneck bar in Texas.

A couple of cross-eyed, local boys are playing Dueling Banjos on their guitars, guns in holsters by their sides.

Other mean-looking guys, similarly armed, are just sitting around, drinking and they start staring at the stranger in their midst. There’s tension in the air.

The bartender looks at the stranger and says, “What’ll it be, boy?”

The guy says, “I’ll have a white wine spritzer, please.”

The tension in the bar increases noticeably, the other customers are getting twitchy and hands start reaching for their guns.

The bartender looks at the stranger and says, “With a pussy drink like that I’m guessing you ain’t from around here are ya boy? Where ya from?“

The guy says, “Well actually, I’m from Iowa.“

The bartender frowns at him and says, “Iowa? And what the heck you do in Iowa boy?“

The guy tries to lighten the tension with a smile and then he says, “I’m a taxidermist?“

The bartender gives him a puzzled look and says, “You’re a taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist boy?“

Starting to feel a bit nervous, the guy responds, “I mount animals.“

The bartender grins and shouts out to everyone in the bar, “It’s okay boys, he’s one of us!“

Funny Jokes5. Two accountants:

Two accountants go to their local bank during their lunch break.

They’re both standing in line when suddenly four masked and armed robbers burst in through the door.

One of the robbers yells, “Don’t anyone move. We’ve got guns and we’ll use them. Cooperate and you won’t get hurt.”

Two of the robbers then go to the counter with four very large but empty leather bags and one says to the tellers, “Fill these bags with cash and be quick about it.”

While the tellers nervously fill the bags with cash, the other two robbers line all the customers, including the two accountants, up against a wall.

One robber walks along the line waving his gun menacingly in their faces and he shouts, “Right I want your wallets, your cash, your watches, and any other valuables you’ve got and I want them all now. And if you don’t give me everything you’ve got I’ll shoot you dead!”

As this is all going on one accountant stuffs something into the hand of his colleague.

Without looking down, his colleague whispers, “What’s this?“

The accountant whispers back, “It’s that $50 I owe you.“

6. Escaped convict:

A convict escapes from Folsom State Prison where he’s been locked up for 15 Years. He’s on the run and in need of food, money and a gun. So he decides to break into a house, where he thinks he might find at least some of these things. Walking along an affluent street he spots a house that he thinks looks perfect.

He forces the back door open and steps inside. As he wanders through the house, he finds a young couple in bed. Naturally, they’re both very frightened.

He orders the naked woman out of bed and ties her to a chair.

He then ties her husband to the bed.

The convict then goes back to the woman and straddling her lap, he puts his head close to the woman’s ear and whispers something before kissing her on the cheek. He then stands up and goes into their bathroom.

While the convict is in the bathroom, the husband whispers over to his wife: “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he straddled your lap and kissed you on the cheek. He’s horny. Just do whatever he asks of you. You mustn’t resist and don’t complain. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously dangerous. If he gets angry, he could kill us both. So be strong, honey. I love you!”

There was a sigh of relief from the woman as she whispered back, “When he whispered in my ear, he told me he was gay and he said he thinks you’re really cute. He said he’s very horny and he wanted to know if we had any more condoms. I told him there were some in the bathroom cabinet. I knew you see reason, honey. You be strong. I love you too and I appreciate the sacrifice you’ll be making.”

7. Thick Nick:

Bill was a straight-A student at High School but 20 years later his career has been less than stellar.

Still, when he gets an invitation to a High School reunion he decides to go anyway.

Well, he figures he hasn’t seen any of his school buddies since those far off days and it might be fun at least to see how some of the class losers have gotten on since then. They might provide him with something to laugh at and feel good about himself.

When he arrives at the reunion the first guy he bumps into is Jack.

Now, this makes Bill a little bit apprehensive. Jack had been a friend of his at school but he’d also been voted the student most likely to succeed. So Bill figured that Jack must at least be the CEO of a large multinational corporate organization by now.

Well, Jack’s career too had not quite lived up to expectations either.

He’s now the manager of the local Credit Union. A decent job perhaps but hardly exceptional. Nevertheless, it leaves Bill feeling a little bit more relaxed. Maybe he hadn’t done so badly after all?

As Bill and Jack stand outside the entrance to their old High School, swapping stories about their lives since schooldays, suddenly a brand new Lamborghini Veneno roars into the parking lot.

This is $5 million worth of supercar and Bill and Jack are stunned. Who could this be? Surely it couldn’t be one of their old classmates?

As they stand there open-mouthed, the car door opens and out steps Nick.

Now had there been a vote at school for the student least likely to succeed then Nick would have won it by a country mile and then some. He really was thick, academically, and unsurprisingly his fellow students all knew him as ‘Thick Nick’.

Bill and Jack couldn’t understand how Nick is doing so well. So they engage him in conversation to find out more.

Jack says to him, “Hey Nick, that car’s awesome. How come you’re doing so well.”

Nick responds and says, “Well Jack, when I failed to graduate High School I couldn’t get a job after I left, so I started my own business.”

So Bill says, “Wow Nick, how come your business is so successful?”

Nick smiles and says, “Well I sell this really popular product which I can buy for $2 a pop and I can sell it for $5 a pop. And I can sell it by the truckload. You wouldn’t believe it. It’s amazing how much money you can make with a 3% mark-up.”

MORAL OF THE STORY: Nick may still be thick but lack of academic success at school is never a barrier to financial success in life. And academic success does not guarantee financial success either.

8. The Indian businessman:

An Indian businessman, Rajesh Bhatia, walks into a bank in the City of London and asks to see the Loans Officer.

Mr Bhatia explains that he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and he needs to borrow £5000.

The Loans officer says that whilst it’s possible, the bank would need something substantial as security against the loan.

Mr Bhatia responds by saying he’d be happy to hand over the keys to his new Rolls Royce, which cost £250,000, as security against the loan.

“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says Mr Bhatia, “and I have all the necessary papers here.”

The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. After which Mr Bhatia departs with his money, leaving the Loans officer, the bank’s manager and all their colleagues enjoying a good laugh at Mr Bhatia for using a £250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a £5,000 loan.

One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later Mr Bhatia returns from Europe and repays the £5000 as well as the interest, which comes to £16.81.

As he prepares a receipt, the Loans Officer asks quizzically, “Sir, I must say, we’re all a little bit puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a very wealthy man and a multimillionaire. So why would you bother to borrow £5,000?“

Mr Bhatia replies, “Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £16.81?“

9. The rare centipede:

Whilst out hiking, a guy finds a rare but long and poisonous centipede.

The guy is amazed by what he’s found and naturally, he wants to show this rare creature to his drinking buddies. So he captures the centipede and places it carefully in a ventilated box.

Once he gets it home, the guy decides he wants to take the centipede to his local bar immediately. So he taps on the box and says, “Would you like to go to Jimmy’s Bar with me and have a beer?“

There’s no answer from the centipede.

The guy waits a few moments and then says, “What do you think? Would you like to go to my local bar and meet my buddies?“

Again, there’s no answer.

Thinking the centipede can’t hear him, the man gets right up close to the box this time and yells, “Hey! Would you like to go to Jimmy’s Bar and have a drink with me?“

A little voice comes out of the box, “I heard you the first time! I’m still putting my shoes on.“

10. Collision course:

The captain of a large US naval aircraft carrier is on the bridge when on his radar he spots what he believes to be another vessel, with which his ship is now on a collision course.

The captain immediately gets on his open channel radio and says, “This is the USS Pittsburgh and you’re on a collision course with this ship. You must take immediate action and change course.”

In response, the captain hears a man with a Spanish accent but speaking perfect English say, “No sir, I’m sorry but it’s your vessel that must change course.”

The captain is irritated by this response and says, “This is Captain James Munroe, captain of the USS Pittsburgh, the largest ship in the US fleet. You are a maritime hazard sir and I will report you to the authorities unless you change course now.”

There’s silence momentarily and then the captain hears the response, “This is a lighthouse. Your call.”

Please share the fun:

I hope these funny jokes really made you laugh dear reader.

However, perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh? If so click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here today then please share these jokes with all your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Other articles that might appeal to you:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All Rights Reserved.

Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
« Previous Page
Next Page »