funny witty quotes Archives

25 brilliant one-liners guaranteed to make you smile

01/22/2025 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for some brilliant one-liners, dear reader, I have some gems for you today.

There’s so much on the Internet and so little time to read it all. And what we all need is a good laugh. The problem is that we haven’t got time to read all the longer jokes.

Worry not. Help is at hand. Here are 25 brilliant one-liners guaranteed to make you smile.

Certainly, they all made me smile.

They’ll only consume 30 seconds of your time, and they’re well worth the effort.

And of course, laughter is the best medicine. So rather than take medication, you can have a good laugh instead.

Surely that’s a win-win situation? Go on, enjoy them all now.

Brilliant one-liners (1-10):

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

If photons have mass does that mean they’re Catholic?

I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me.

If I had a dollar for every smart person I know I’d be broke.

A liberal is just a conservative who hasn’t been mugged yet.

Brilliant one-liners (11-20):

I never make mistakes. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don’t have.

Can you increase the bounciness of a waterbed by using spring water?

If you can’t beat them, you could always arrange to have them beaten.

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

I saw a sign that said, “Watch for Children,” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

She wanted a puppy. But I didn’t want a puppy. So, we compromised and got a puppy.

Why is the day you do your housework, laundry, cooking, and ironing called a day off?

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend actually thinking.

Brilliant one-liners (21-25):

You know they’re a real friend when you walk into their house and your WiFi connects automatically.

I’m great at multitasking; I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

If a woman wants to scare a man, the only question she needs to ask is, “Do you know what day it is today?”

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day to survive. It’s a good thing my older brother told me about it.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

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So did any of these prove to be the brilliant one-liners you’d hoped for, dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so, then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read here, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you.

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Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, Brilliant one-liners, fun, funny, funny witty quotes, humor, humour, jokes, Laugh, LOL, one-liners, smile, witty one liners, witty one-liner quotes

Silly Christmas Cracker Jokes: 30 that are so bad they’re funny

12/24/2024 by Roy Sutton

Dear reader, do you enjoy Christmas cracker jokes?

Those corny jokes and puns you look for, having pulled your Christmas cracker?

Well, I cannot lie; I love them.

So, I have collected 30 of the best ones, which I hope you will find amusing.

Whether Christmas is an occasion you will be celebrating or not, I do hope one or two of these silly jokes will make you smile.

Enjoy them all.

And please feel free to share them.

Christmas cracker jokes (1-15):

What is white and minty? A polo bear!
When is a boat just like snow? When it’s adrift.
What goes Ho, Ho, Ho, thump? Santa laughing his head off.
How do snowmen get around? They ride an icicle!
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? Rude-olph!
What did Santa say to his wife? It’s going to reindeer!
Why did Santa go to the doctor? Because of his bad elf.
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsilitis!
What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school? The elf-abet!
What does Miley Cyrus prefer for Christmas dinner? Twerky!
What do you call Santa’s little helpers? Subordinate Clauses!
What is Santa’s favourite place to deliver presents? Idaho-ho-ho!
What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective? Santa Clues!
What did Adam say the day before Christmas? “It’s Christmas, Eve!”
What did Santa do when he went speed dating? He pulled a cracker!

Christmas cracker jokes (16-30):

Why did Santa’s little helper lack confidence? Because he had low elf esteem!
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus!
What do you call Santa when he forgets to wear his underpants? Saint Knickerless!
Why did the turkey cross the road? Because it was the chicken’s day off!
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claus-trophobia!
What did Santa say to the smoker? Please don’t smoke, it’s bad for my elf!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!
Why was the snowman rummaging in a bag of carrots? He was picking his nose.
Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? Because they were two deer!
Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas Party? Because he had nobody to go with!
What do you get when you cross a pine cone and a polar bear? A fur tree!
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus’ weight when he was born? They had a weigh-in a manger!
What did Mrs Claus say to Santa Claus when she looked up at the sky on the night of Christmas Eve? Looks like rain, dear!
Why did Santa say that sprouts shouldn’t be our vegetable of choice on Christmas Day? All he was sayin’ was give peas a chance!

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So, dear reader, was this post worth a little piece of your time? Did you enjoy reading it? Did any of the Christmas cracker jokes make you smile?

If you enjoyed this article, then please share it with your friends on social media.

People do enjoy groaning at Christmas cracker jokes, so go on, please share this post now.

If you could share this post, then I’d be forever grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

And before I go, allow me to offer my best wishes to everyone who will be celebrating Christmas. I hope your Christmas is filled with the love of family and friends.

And to those for whom December 25th will be just another working day, I hope wherever you are, your life is peaceful, safe, and prosperous, and I hope 2025 proves to be all you’d like it to be.

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Filed Under: Funny Jokes Tagged With: Christmas, Christmas Cracker Jokes, funniest jokes, funniest one-liners, funny witty quotes, Hilarious Jokes, hilariously funny jokes, witty jokes, witty short jokes

How to call someone stupid in a smart way

11/13/2024 by Roy Sutton

If you’re wondering how to call someone stupid in a smart way, this article is just for you.

I thought it would be fun to curate some of the many euphemisms we use occasionally to indicate that someone of our acquaintance is not very bright.

So, here are 37 ways I can think of to suggest someone lacks brainpower.

Enjoy them all and feel free to pass them on.

How to call someone stupid in a smart way (1-10)

He’s as sharp as a marble

He’s a dime short of a dollar

He’s as dim as a Toc-H lamp

He’s a sandwich short of a picnic

With him, it’s all foam, and no beer

He’s a few fries short of a Happy meal

He’s as sharp as a sock full of soup

He’s not firing on all cylinders

If he had brains, he’d be dangerous

He’s a few cards short of a full deck

How to call someone stupid in a smart way (11-20)

The lights are on but no one’s home

He’s not the brightest star in the sky

He’s not the sharpest tool in the box

He’s a Fruit Loop short of a full bowl

He’s not the fastest horse in the race

Few people are slower on the uptake

He doesn’t have all the dots on his dice

He’s not the brightest crayon in the box

He’s the reason we have warning labels

He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer

How to call someone stupid in a smart way (21-30)

He just doesn’t have both oars in the water

The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead

There’s a village somewhere missing its idiot

You could never accuse him of intelligent thought

He’s certainly unburdened by the thought process

Put your ear next to his and you can hear the ocean

He could hide his own Easter eggs and never find them

With him, the elevator doesn’t go all the way up to the top

He’s got two brain cells, and both are fighting for third place

That guy’s known as 90 cents because he isn’t the full dollar

How to call someone stupid in a smart way (31-37)

If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change back

He’s like a pair of children’s scissors, colourful, but not too sharp

He couldn’t pour water out of a shoe with instructions on the heel

When God was giving out brains, he was standing in the wrong queue

No one would suggest that intellectual horsepower is his strongest suit

What he doesn’t know would fill the Library of Congress and then some

If his brains were dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow his hat off

So dear reader, if you were searching for how to call someone stupid in a smart way, was this article worth a few minutes of your time?

Did any of them make smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

So go on, please share this post now.

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35 of the best one-liners ever. You’ll love them all

11/05/2024 by Roy Sutton

Today I offer you some of the best one-liners ever. Well, they are in my opinion, at least.

I love a great one-liner and these are all brilliant. They’re amusing, sharp and very witty. I hope at least one or two of them will brighten your day.

So take a couple of minutes and enjoy them all.

And please feel free to share them.

Best one-liners ever (1-12)

Am I indecisive? I’m not sure.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A clean house suggests there’s no WiFi.

Not all math puns are terrible. Just sum.

It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.

I started with nothing, and I’ve still got most of it.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

When life gives you melons, you could be dyslexic.

You say you’re a compulsive liar, but I don’t believe you.

Since I had my neck brace fitted I’ve never looked back.

Best one-liners ever (13-24)

A liberal is just a conservative who hasn’t been mugged yet.

Yeah? You and whose army?

What did your last slave die of?

Yes, I’ve had a good time, but this wasn’t it.

If I didn’t have bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.

You look like you’ve found a dime and lost a dollar.

Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.

My life’s as good as anyone’s if their life’s truly awful.

Keep looking like that and your face will stay that way.

Well, you certainly look like you’ve got the face you deserve.

Am I looking at you? Why? Do I look like I’ve got nothing better to do?

With a face like that, you must have done something terrible in a previous life.

Best one-liners ever (25-35)

Don’t be a fool all your life, take five minutes off and give the rest of us a break.

Drive like an idiot and it won’t be long before you’ll meet another idiot heading in the other direction.

Your face and voice suggest your career options will be limited to those things you can do well with your hands.

You shouldn’t laugh at your wife’s choices because you’re one of them.

You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon fails to return home, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving unless it’s something you plan to do more than once.

I love to hold hands at the movies but for some reason, strangers sitting next to me never seem that keen.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you’ll look forward to the trip.

Is it true that the security guys at the Samsung Store are known as Guardians of the Galaxy?

You know they’re your friends when you walk into their home, and you connect to the WiFi automatically.

The absurdity of the sexual act is God’s way of reminding us that he does have a sense of humor.

Enjoyed these one-liners?

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these one-liners made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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Thank you.

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30 clever one-liners that are sharp and witty

10/26/2024 by Roy Sutton

Here are 30 clever one-liners you’ll just love. They’re all sharp and witty and guaranteed to amuse you. Take a minute to enjoy them all.

And don’t forget to pass them on too.

Clever one-liners (1-15):

I can handle pain until it hurts.
I would lose weight, but I hate losing.
Life is just a sexually transmitted disease.
I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Only our parents’ children are always right.
It’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
No, I’m not lazy, I’m in energy-saving mode.
If you see a toilet in your dream, do not use it.
It’s only funny when it’s not happening to you.
Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.
How could I miss you when you won’t go away?
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can’t find it.
What happens if I get scared half to death twice?
The light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off.
How come creditors always have better memories than debtors?

Clever one-liners (16-30):

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
A lottery is just a tax on people who don’t understand math.
Life would be so much better if we could mute some people.
When I need an expert’s advice, I stand in front of the mirror.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. Some only gargle.
If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.
Some people lose their tempers just from seeing you keep yours.
Did the first person to hear a parrot speak need therapy afterwards?
There is a solution for when your hair starts falling out. Put it in a box.
Don’t you get tired of having to look after your parents’ grandchildren?
Drinking coffee before you start work helps your co-workers live longer.
Don’t you just hate how spiders sit there on your wall and act like they pay rent?
I’m not looking for a stable relationship, I’ll settle for a stable internet connection.
If a man speaks in a forest and there are no women there to hear him, is he still wrong?
People always say they don’t believe in ghosts until they hear a strange noise in the middle of the night.

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So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes?

If any of these clever one-liners made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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25 dark humor quotes that will brighten your day

08/30/2024 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for some dark humor quotes, dear reader, I’ve pulled together 25 that will brighten your day. Well, I hope so, anyway.

So, take a few moments to enjoy them all and then please feel free to pass them on.

Sharing smiles is the most useful thing any of us can do. Laughter is always the best medicine.

Dark humor quotes:

I’m not lazy. I just have an energy-saving mode.
People believe in God but does God believe in people?
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
Where would you find a dog with no legs? Wherever you left it.
I don’t hate you. I’m just not that excited about your existence.
Just be yourself is not necessarily the best advice for everyone.
In life, occasionally you’re the pigeon but mostly you’re the statue.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
If at first, you don’t succeed, remove all evidence that you even tried.
Never hit anyone with glasses. If you must hit them, use a baseball bat.
Friendship’s more important than money. Unless someone owes you $100.
Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off.
‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologize’ mean the same thing unless you’re at a funeral.
If one door opens when another one closes, your house is probably haunted.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, you could be missing out on the joke of the day.
My house is like the Bermuda Triangle. Stuff comes in never to be seen again.
Why doesn’t my phone fly when I put it in airplane mode? I’d really like to know.
Everyone brings joy to my house. Some when they arrive; others when they leave.
If rabbits’ feet are so lucky, you’d have to ask, “What happened to the rabbit?”
I always said I wanted to be somebody but perhaps I should have been more specific.
Smell is one of the biggest triggers of memory. How will you be remembered?
I’m not known for being tough but I have the heart of a lion. I keep it in a jar on my desk.
I’m a leader, not a follower. Unless it’s a very dark and spooky place, then you’re going first.
My grief counsellor died last week. However he was so good at his job, it hasn’t bothered me at all.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. An axe through the chest would be a lot quicker.

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

Did any of these dark humor quotes make you smile, dear reader? I hope so. If they did, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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60 witty one-liners on attitude to make you smile

07/04/2024 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for some witty one-liners on attitude then I’m confident that you might enjoy a few of these here.

Attitude is a little world that has a big impact on all our lives.

A positive attitude beats a negative one if your aim is to get along with other people.

However, sometimes you have to put on your crown and let other people know who is King or Queen.

It doesn’t do to be too agreeable, in my experience. That said, as with all things in life, some balance is essential.

So take five minutes to enjoy these witty one-liners and then please feel free to pass them on.

Witty one-liners on attitude (1-15):

I’m too glam to give a damn!
Life? Don’t talk to me about life!
It’s my life, so I’ll live it my way.
Well, this is not the life I had in mind.
I’m so poor, I can’t even pay attention.
An ounce of action beats a ton of theory.
Life would be tragic if it wasn’t so funny.
I’m not special but I am a limited edition.
I’m me. If that’s a problem for you, tough!
Haters beware. You’re my biggest motivator.
What you think is what you think. Who cares?
Nothing is interesting if you’re not interested.
A bad experience is not the same as a bad life.
If winning isn’t everything, why do we keep score?
Life’s like ice cream. To be enjoyed before it melts.

Witty one-liners on attitude (16-30):

Which part of I DON’T CARE don’t you understand?
Is it just me or is the world run by complete idiots?
Life’s far too short to be drinking poor quality wine.
Fight the system by all means but it will always win.
Don’t take life too seriously. You won’t get out alive.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Life’s a bitch and then you die. That’s all there is to it.
If it wasn’t for my dog, no one would understand me.
Be like a stamp. Stick to your goal until you get there.
If you think I’m irritating now, wait till you see my bad side.
I could give up every vice, but would life still be worth living?
I don’t need your attitude. I’ve got one of my own, thank you.
Research is what I’m doing when I don’t know what I’m doing.
Just because it matters to you, don’t assume it matters to me too.
You may disapprove of my choices but who are you to judge anyway?

Witty one-liners on attitude (31-45):

Follow your heart but make sure you take your brain with you.
My goal this year was to lose 10 pounds. I’ve just got 13 to go now.
Only those who really care about you can hear you when you’re quiet.
I thought I’d found the key to success, but someone’s changed the lock.
People don’t necessarily change. Sometimes it’s just their mask slipping.
Growing up, did anyone dream of becoming a Health & Safety Inspector?
If you think I’m sarcastic, it’s a good job you never hear what I don’t say.
Minds are like parachutes. They can only function properly if they’re open.
If you don’t know how to thank me, I can tell you now, money works best.
Some people say that nothing’s impossible and yet, I do nothing every day.
The problem’s not the problem. The problem’s your attitude to the problem.
If you have an opinion about my attitude, raise your hand. Now put it in your mouth.
Don’t mistake my efficiency for any desire you think I may have to do your job too.
Yesterday I did nothing and today, I need to finish what I was doing yesterday.
If a woman says to a man, “Do what you want,” the man would be unwise to follow her advice.

Witty one-liners on attitude (45-60):

If you’re caught doing something you shouldn’t have been doing, then just act daft.
Regardless of what you may think, I wasn’t put on this earth just to make you happy.
You may think you’re important but that doesn’t mean everyone else agrees with you.
I thought my mood couldn’t get any worse today, and then my boss gave me more work.
Why is it that when the only tool I have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail?
Happiness is when you marry for love and then you realise they’ve got loads of money too.
Being powerful is like being a gentleman, if you have to tell people you are then you aren’t.
I don’t hate you. I’d unplug your life support to recharge my phone but I don’t hate you.
If you’re wondering whether I’m free tomorrow, I’ll tell you now I’m likely to be very expensive.
Work hard eight hours a day and, one day, you could be the boss working twelve hours a day.
This morning I was told to check my attitude. I have and it’s still there. So, what’s the problem?
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality depends on me. My attitude depends on you.
I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude but I fail to see why that’s my problem.
A positive attitude will not solve every problem but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
I didn’t realise how rough my neighbourhood was until I bought an advent calendar and half the windows were boarded up.

Did any of these witty one-liners on attitude make you smile, dear reader? I hope so. And if they did, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

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Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: Amuse, Amusement, dark quotes, fun, funny, funny witty quotes, humor, humour, jokes, Life, quotes, smile, witty one liners, witty one-liners on attitude

25 contenders for the best one-liners of all time

05/15/2024 by Roy Sutton

Do you enjoy a witty one-liner, dear reader? Well, I’ve been searching for some contenders for the best one-liners of all time.

Today I’ve put together a batch of 25, that I hope you’ll enjoy.

They all made me smile, and I hope they’ll make you smile too.

So take a moment to enjoy them, and then please pass them on.

Best one-liners of all time (1-15):

I’m not fat. I’m just easier to see.
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Becoming a vegan is a big missed steak.
My boss said, have a good day. So I went home.
A clean desk is a sure sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
For maximum attention, nothing beats saying something stupid.
I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.
Why is it that everyone seems normal until you get to know them?
How is it that I always seem to buy plants without the will to live?
The importance of teamwork is that there’s always someone else to blame.
We must support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
Why do we refer to the day we do all our household chores as a day off?
The other man’s grass may be greener, but at least you don’t have to mow it.
If we’re not supposed to eat at night, why’s there a light in the refrigerator?

Best one-liners of all time (16-25):

Wise people learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us are the others.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realising that the other person’s an idiot.
An optimist believes that the world couldn’t be better. A pessimist is afraid that might be true.
It’s funny when someone says we need to talk, but what they mean is, you need to listen.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men actually spend thinking.
Living in the 21st century is a bizarre experience. Our priority now is deleting history rather than making it.
Life’s all about perspective. For instance, the sinking of the Titanic seemed like a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.
We all live by the 50-50-90 rule. Anytime we have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability that we’ll get it wrong.
My boss asked whether it was me or him who was stupid. I responded diplomatically that everyone knows he has a reputation for never hiring stupid people.
Before I criticize anyone, I always walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when I’ve criticized them, I’m a mile away, and they can’t chase me because I’ve got their shoes.

So dear reader, are the witticisms on offer today some contenders for the best one-liners of all time?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read in this post then please share it all with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles. So please, share it now.

Thank you.

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40 funny puns and other corny jokes

04/25/2024 by Roy Sutton

If you’re looking for some funny puns or corny jokes then I have 40 little gems for you today, dear reader.

They may not all tickle you but I’m confident there’s enough here to put a smile on the face of even the toughest critic.

So, take a few moments, perhaps grab a coffee, and enjoy them all.

And please feel free to share them with your friends.

Funny Puns (1-10):

Yesterday, I got pulled over by a lady cop who asked me to get out of my car. She said, “You’re staggering!” I said, “You’re quite cute too!“
A man was admitted to the hospital today with 10 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum. Doctors have described his condition as stable.
My wife said she’d really like to go to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food right in front of you. So, I took her to Subway, but she didn’t seem to appreciate the experience.
If a can opener doesn’t work properly, is it a can’t opener?
I’ve been writing a pun about the wind, but right now it’s just a draft.
Santa has disowned one of his elves for refusing to accept the elf rules. Does that mean the elf is a rebel without a Claus?
An eight-year-old girl went to the office with her father on ‘Take Your Kid to Work Day‘. As they were walking around the office, the young girl started crying. Her father asked what was wrong. As the staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly: “Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?“
Teacher: Now, children, I want you to come up with a problem where the sum equals four. Little Johnny: I guess we’ll just have to put two and two together.
My aunt is a church official who organizes parishioners’ personal information. Her job title is Nun of Your Business.
My hobby is breeding racing deer, but people just accuse me of trying to make a fast buck.

Funny Puns (11-20):

I said to the Librarian, “Do you have Great Expectations?” She said: “I did but, as you can see, I ended up working in a library“.
The developer of Sherwin-Williams paints nearly froze on an Arctic expedition. He could have used another coat.
What do you call a pig that does martial arts? A karate chop.
My paper airplane won’t fly. It’s just stationery
The batting coach wasn’t helping me perfect my swing, so I quit the team and struck out on my own.
To save on electricity, I decided to wire the electric blanket and the toaster together. Now I keep popping out of bed.
Customer: “This fish is very dry.” Waiter: “Yes sir, naturally, we had to take it out of the water.”
Santa Claus entered the chimney, but the fire was still burning brightly in the hearth. When he came out, he was Krisp Kringle.
I bought a sweater, but I had to return it because it kept picking up static electricity. However, they gave me another one, free of charge.
We are going to see an Elvis impersonator. I called to get tickets and had to press one for the money and two for the show.

Funny Puns (21-30):

I told the chimney sweep that I’d like to do the job on my own. He said: “Soot yourself.”
You can’t have a nose that is 12 inches long, otherwise, it would be a foot.
I have a hunch someday I will need back surgery.
Five ants rented an apartment with another five ants. So, now they’re tenants.
I broke down in my car on the way to a wedding in a remote town. I had to wait about ten minutes before another car appeared and I stopped it and asked for help. The guy said, “Look buddy, I’m a chiropodist, not a mechanic.” To which I replied, “Perhaps you could give me a tow then.”
I must tread carefully now, as you’re probably getting tyred of car jokes. We’ve had a clutch of them recently but now I’m exhausted and it’s time to take a brake.
I saw a homeless man in the city dressed like King Henry the 8th. I thought this was a little odd because surely, beggars can’t be Tudors.
I’ve been told that the man who invented the Ferris Wheel never met the man who invented the Carousel. Apparently, they moved in different circles.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with Poker but I think she’s bluffing. And anyway, when the chips are down, she’ll be back.
I grew up in a large family and we always had Octopus for Christmas dinner. At least, everyone got a leg.

Funny Puns (31-40):

I had a job in a factory drilling holes but it was boring. So, I moved to a new job joining steel plates together and it’s riveting.
I got eczema, diarrhoea, gonorrhoea, and haemorrhoids last week. I was really pleased. It was the first time that I’d ever won a game of Scrabble.
At school, the bullies used to hang me up with the coats, until I suggested another kid they should target. It was a bit mean, but it got me off the hook.
My wife looked surprised when I brought home 5 packets of bread dough from the local store. Apparently, we don’t need it.
Apparently, the gap between the rungs on a ladder has increased because people are getting taller. Officially, this is known as climb it change.
The Police phoned and said they’d recovered my stolen sofa. I thought that was nice of them because it had been looking a bit shabby.
I’m walking down Main Street and this guy asks me if could I spare some change. I told him all I had was bills. “Give me one of those!” he said. So, I gave him my electricity bill.
Why does Santa never have to pay for parking? It’s on the house.
The marriage counsellor said that my wife had complained that I never bought her flowers. In my defence, I explained that I didn’t even know that she sold flowers.
My kids said they want a cat for Christmas. We usually have turkey but I’m always willing to try something different.

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25 funny witty quotes that will seriously tickle you

04/13/2024 by Roy Sutton

I always get the best reaction with blog posts that are full of content to make you smile. And funny witty quotes are particularly popular with readers.

With that in mind, I’ve been trawling my journals looking for funny witty quotes which I’ve noted for posterity, and which I hope you’ll enjoy now, dear reader.

So, here are 25 funny witty quotes that I’m confident will tickle you. Certainly, they tickled me and made me smile.

They’re all by Authors Unknown but they’re razor-sharp and funny nevertheless.

So go on take a few minutes right now to have a laugh and enjoy them all.