Wit & Wisdom: 40 Amusing Quotes by Famous People

06/13/2025 by

If you’re seeking amusing quotes by famous people, then look at this collection of wit and wisdom that I’ve curated for you today, dear reader.

Whether it’s a hearty chuckle you seek or a spark of genius, I’ve got you covered.

This handpicked treasure trove of quotes from some of history’s most brilliant minds is just for you.

So, illuminate your day, impress your friends, and enjoy these timeless gems.

If amusement is what you’re after, read on.

AMUSING QUOTES BY FAMOUS PEOPLE
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Amusing quotes by famous people (1-10):

  1. The road to hell is paved with adverbs. ~Stephen King
  2. I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ~W.C. Fields
  3. You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club. ~Jack London
  4. I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. ~Mark Twain
  5. Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. ~Oscar Wilde
  6. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ~Stephen Wright
  7. Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead. ~Charles Bukowski
  8. Never trust anyone who has not brought a book with them. ~Lemony Snicket (Daniel Handler)
  9. Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. ~Groucho Marx
  10. I have nothing to declare except my genius. ~Oscar Wilde (upon arriving at U.S. customs)

Amusing quotes by famous people (11-20):

  1. If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you. ~Billy Wilder
  2. You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. ~Bob Hope
  3. Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise, they won’t come to yours. ~Yogi Berra
  4. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. ~Oscar Wilde
  5. Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately, it kills all its pupils. ~Louis Hector Berlioz
  6. There is no surer way to misread any document than to read it literally. ~G.K. Chesterton
  7. Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. ~Benjamin Franklin
  8. I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer. ~Douglas Adams
  9. To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. ~Oscar Wilde
  10. I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. ~Woody Allen
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Amusing quotes by famous people (21-30):

  1. I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. ~Steven Wright
  2. Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes. ~Jim Carrey
  3. If it’s the Psychic Network, why do they need a phone number? ~Robin Williams
  4. I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re sceptical. ~Arthur C. Clarke
  5. The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. ~Tom Clancy
  6. I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. ~Douglas Adams
  7. Never put off until tomorrow what may be done the day after tomorrow just as well. ~Mark Twain
  8. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. ~Sir Winston Churchill
  9. When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’. ~John D. MacDonald
  10. It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains. ~Seth Grahame-Smith, “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” (parodying Jane Austen)

Amusing quotes by famous people (31-40):

  1. I’m too drunk to taste this chicken. ~Colonel Sanders
  2. I can resist everything except temptation. ~Oscar Wilde
  3. Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? ~Robin Williams
  4. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. ~Mae West 
  5. I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. ~David Lee Roth
  6. I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception. ~Groucho Marx
  7. Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position. ~Christopher Marlowe
  8. I’d rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort. ~Jean Paul Getty
  9. If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. ~Dorothy Parker
  10. I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job. ~Samuel Goldwyn
40 Amusing Quotes by Famous People
40 Amusing Quotes by Famous People
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If any of these amusing quotes by famous people made you smile, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. Please share this post now.

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51 Funny footballer quotes for soccer fans everywhere

06/11/2025 by
51 Funny footballer quotes

How do you refer to it, football or soccer? The beautiful game is well known by both names worldwide. And wherever you go, players can say some silly things at times. So I thought it might be interesting to curate some funny footballer quotes, or, if you prefer, funny soccer quotes.

Whether you prefer to call it football or soccer, one thing is true: the players and people associated with the game can say some of the funniest things at times.

Over the years, players, managers, coaches, commentators, and pundits have all come up with some memorable quotes and one-liners, some intentional, others inadvertent. Either way, they’re always amusing.

So, here are 51 funny footballer quotes. Enjoy them all, and then please share them with others.

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Funny footballer quotes (1 – 25):

  1. I love these players with two feet. ~Michael Owen
  2. They were numerically outnumbered. ~Garry Birtles
  3. He’s got a lot of self-belief in himself. ~Graham Beecroft
  4. To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch. ~Ruud Gullit
  5. I’ve been consistent in patches this season. ~Theo Walcott
  6. Apparently, it’s my fault that the Titanic sank. ~Ian Holloway
  7. I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel. ~Stuart Pearce
  8. And with 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0. ~Ian Darke
  9. I’d like to play for an Italian club like Barcelona. ~Mark Draper
  10. Winning doesn’t really matter, as long as you win. ~Vinny Jones
  11. Reading won’t have the confidence to be confident. ~Paul Merson
  12. When you’re 4-0 up you should never lose 7-1. ~Lawrie McMenemy
  13. That would’ve been a goal had it gone inside the post. ~Michael Owen
  14. Some people cannot see a priest on a mountain of sugar. ~Rafa Benitez
  15. If there’s a bit of rain about it makes the surface wet. ~ Michael Owen
  16. Wilkins sends an inch-perfect pass to no one in particular. ~Byron Butler
  17. I couldn’t settle in Italy. It was like living in a foreign country. ~Ian Rush
  18. The Germans only have one player under 22, and he’s 23. ~Kevin Keegan
  19. If we played like this every week, we wouldn’t be so inconsistent. ~Bryan Robson
  20. Chile have three options. They could win, or they could lose. ~Kevin Keegan
  21. That is a fantastic penalty, but he will be gutted it went wide. ~Michael Owen
  22. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but I wasn’t on that particular job. ~Brian Clough
  23. If Rojo wasn’t left-footed, he’d have used his right for that one. ~Michael Owen
  24. Never go for a 50-50 ball unless you’re 80-20 sure of winning it. ~Ian Darke
  25. Oh, he had an eternity to play that ball, but he took too long about it. ~Martin Tyler
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Funny footballer quotes (26 – 51):

  1. Blackburn have got two strikers on and they’re both playing upfront. ~Michael Owen
  2. We didn’t underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought. ~Sir Bobby Robson
  3. For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip. ~John Motson
  4. Diego Maradona – a flawed genius who has now become a genius who is flawed. ~Bob Wilson
  5. They’re the second-best team in the world, and there’s no higher praise than that. ~Kevin Keegan
  6. We must have had 99 percent of the game. It was the other three percent that cost us the match. ~Ruud Gullit
  7. If God had wanted us to play football in the clouds, he’s have put grass up there. ~Brian Clough
  8. I know what’s around the corner. I just don’t know where the corner is. ~Kevin Keegan
  9. I’m out at the moment, but should you be the chairman of Barcelona, AC Milan, or Real Madrid, I’ll get straight back to you. The rest can wait. ~Joe Kinnear
  10. I wouldn’t say I was the best manager in the world. But I was in the top one. ~Brian Clough
  11. I never comment on referees, and I’m not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat. ~Ron Atkinson
  12. It’s definitely hit Defoe’s hand as it’s gone in, but it’s not a handball for me. ~Michael Owen
  13. What a shot! That’s completely unstoppable, but the keeper’s got to do better for me. ~Michael Owen
  14. I’ve had 14 bookings this season, eight of which were my fault, but seven of which were disputable. ~Paul Gascoigne
  15. If we start counting our chickens before they hatch, they won’t lay any eggs in the basket. ~Sir Bobby Robson
  16. I’d been ill and hardly trained for a week, and I’d been out of the team for three weeks before that. So I wasn’t sharp. I got cramp before half-time as well. But I’m not one to make excuses. ~Clinton Morrison
  17. Djimi Traore had to adapt to the English game, and he did that by going out on loan to Lens last season. ~ Ian Rush
  18. I spent a lot of money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered. ~George Best
  19. My parents have been there for me ever since I was about seven. ~David Beckham
  20. Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match. ~Ian Wright
  21. What will you do when you leave football, Jack? Will you stay in football? ~Stuart Hall
  22. I always used to put my right boot on first, and then, obviously, my right sock. ~Barry Venison
  23. I am a firm believer that if you score one goal, the other team have to score two to win. ~Howard Wilkinson
  24. If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again. ~Terry Venables
  25. I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don’t know into what religion yet. ~David Beckham
  26. We had a good team on paper. Unfortunately, the game was played on grass. ~Brian Clough
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You did? I hope so anyway.

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Please share this post now.

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Your support is appreciated, dear reader. Thank you.

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31 great quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm

05/29/2025 by

Today, I thought it might be amusing to look back at some of the many memorable quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm.

If you’re not familiar with this sitcom, Curb Your Enthusiasm is a hilarious comedy starring Larry David, who plays a fictionalized version of himself.

Essentially, the series follows Larry’s life as a semi-retired television writer and producer as he attempts to cope with life’s frustrations and quirks.

For me, it’s one of the great American sitcoms.

There are plenty of Curb Your Enthusiasm clips on YouTube if you want to check out this comedy, and if you’re unfamiliar with it, that’s well worth doing when you have a little time to spare.

So go ahead and take a look, but not before you’ve enjoyed these memorable quotes.

Enjoy them all.

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Quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm:

I’m yelling for society.

I find human contact repulsive.

Can I apologise for the apology?

I’m married. I can wear whatever I want.

By sundown? What are you, Gary Cooper?

I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk.

Hey, mind your own business. How about that?

I’ve got ideas, but I choose not to carry them out.

I always think of nice things, but I never act on them.

It seems silly to me to put a napkin on an old pair of pants.

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Why does everybody have to have pictures of everything?

I’m feeling pretty good. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.”

Anybody want to help a semi-retarded individual change a tire?

We’re fighting because you’re a moron. That’s why we’re fighting.

I’m sorry if you’re offended. I don’t think I said anything offensive.

You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.

I don’t like talking to people I know, but strangers I have no problem with.

Bald asshole? That’s a hate crime. We consider ourselves to be a group.

He wanted to stop and chat with me, and I don’t know him well enough for a stop and chat.

Can I tell you something about apricots? 1 in 30 is a good one. It’s such a low percentage fruit.

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A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.

Nobody likes a tattle-tale, NOBODY! So go ahead and squeal and you’ll end up in HELL! OKAY!

You can put my colon up next to your colon; we’ll see who has a cleaner, healthier colon.

What is this compulsion to have people over at your house and serve them food and talk to them?

It’s completely unprofessional. And I know because my whole career’s been based on being unprofessional.

An employee is told that the customer’s always right and, in fact, the customer is usually a moron and an asshole.

You’re nothing without your health. Some people are nothing even with their health. I fall in that category, sometimes.

I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbours. The thieves don’t impose. Thieves just want your things. Neighbours want your time.

I did, once, try and stop a woman who was about to get hit by a car. I screamed out ‘Watch out!’ and she said ‘Don’t you tell me what to do!’

You know what? Never mind, alright! I-I’ll take my liver out! I’ll walk around with a dialysis machine hanging out of me for the rest of my life, no problem!

You know what it is? You’re always attracted to someone who doesn’t want you, right? Well, here you have somebody who not only doesn’t want you; doesn’t even acknowledge your right to exist; wants your destruction! That’s a turn-on.

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You did? I hope so anyway.

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21 amusing quotes that might just make you smile

04/15/2025 by

If you’re seeking some amusing quotes, dear reader, then today’s collection might be what you’re looking for. I hope so, anyway.

Unfortunately, the authors are all unknown, so I haven’t been able to add credits. However, it would be a genuine pleasure to include credits if readers can shed any light on their origin. So, please do let me know.

In the meantime, enjoy today’s 21 amusing quotes:

AMUSING QUOTES
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Amusing quotes (1-10):

For the best seat in the house, you’ll have to move the dog.

The best things in life are free. The rest are too expensive.

Sometimes the best part of my job is a chair that swivels. 

Never let your best friends get lonely; keep disturbing them.

The best way to show a giraffe your love is to knit a scarf for it.

I wanted to make a clever chemistry joke, but the best ones argon.

Kids, I don’t know if our ceiling is the best ceiling but it’s definitely up there.

What’s my best non-swearing insult? “I hope you step on a Lego in your bare feet!”

A woman’s dream is not to find the perfect mate. A woman’s dream is to eat without putting on weight.

Laughing is one of the best exercises; it’s like running inside your mind. You can do it almost anywhere, and it’s even better with a friend.

Amusing quotes (11-21):

I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

He who laughs in a crisis has found someone to blame.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I don’t have a bucket list, but my to-do list is a mile long.

Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

I’ve got a lot of jokes about retired people, but none of them work.

Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a brighter day.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

I don’t need a hairstylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.

I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

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If any of these quotes made you smile, please share this post with your friends on social media.

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Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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50 Posh British phrases and things only posh people say

03/25/2025 by

English is a wonderful language and is spoken widely around the world. However, many phrases and expressions used in Britain by the wealthy and well-to-do are unique in my experience. So let’s explore some posh British phrases and things only posh British people would say.

Meaning of posh?

The word posh is an acronym, derived from the expression Port Out Starboard Home. In the days when the British travelled to places like India by ship, those who could afford it would book a cabin on the port side of the ship going out and a cabin on the starboard side for their return journey. The reason is that these cabins would be away from the sun and therefore cooler. So, if you could afford such luxury, you were regarded as posh.

Things only posh people would say:

Social class has always been an issue in Britain, and you can accurately gauge the class to which someone belongs simply by listening to what they say and how they say it.

Here are 50 expressions that, if you hear them used, you’ll know the people saying them are likely to be very posh.

Enjoy them all. And, as always, feel free to share them.

Posh British phrases (1-25):

  1. Cheerio!
  2. Spiffing!
  3. Toodle pip!
  4. I say, old chap.
  5. That’s capital!
  6. Fancy a cuppa?
  7. Oh, golly gosh!
  8. Jolly good show.
  9. No pain, no gain.
  10. I beg your pardon.
  11. I’m chuffed to bits!
  12. Oh, I love your Aga.
  13. Well done, old bean.
  14. By Jove, she’s got it!
  15. You grubby little man.
  16. Oh, jolly hockey sticks!
  17. Jolly good show, old boy.
  18. We only listen to Radio 4.
  19. That’s a load of poppycock!
  20. I must say, he’s a good egg.
  21. I’m well and truly knackered!
  22. Oh, Margot, you’re such a brick.
  23. You’re looking glum, old fellow.
  24. He came home absolutely blotto.
  25. Out of curiosity, why do you ask?

Posh British phrases (26-50):

  1. Looks like we’re on a sticky wicket.
  2. You’re really getting my dander up.
  3. We spend our summers in Tuscany.
  4. That’s simply beneath one’s dignity.
  5. Darling, please stop being so beastly.
  6. Blue and green should never be seen.
  7. We don’t mix the grain and the grape.
  8. Oh, it’s been yonks since I wore my tiara.
  9. Will you be skiing in Val d’Isère this year?
  10. Oh, it was so dull and such a frightful bore.
  11. I’m not a snob but I dislike common people.
  12. Can you tell me where the lavatory is, please?
  13. Tristan and Jemima are boarding at Haileybury.
  14. Must you really play that ghastly music so loud?
  15. British universities are wonderful. Both of them.
  16. We don’t have serviettes, dear; we have napkins.
  17. Oh, gosh, do please refrain from being so beastly.
  18. We’ll be watching Archie play rugger on Saturday.
  19. Oh, your handbag’s just divine, is it a Balenciaga?
  20. We find ourselves in a rather unsavoury bind, I’m afraid.
  21. We’re all a bit squiffy after a delightful jeroboam of bubbly.
  22. If they’re not sold in Harrods, they’re not something we buy.
  23. We’re in a terrible bind, so the villa in Tuscany will have to go.
  24. We have a delightful bottle of Château Margaux in our wine cellar.
  25. Let’s hope we’re not invited to Jeremy’s soiree next weekend. His events are such a dreadful bore.

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Tommy Cooper One-liners: 35 that’ll make you smile

09/19/2024 by

If you enjoy Tommy Cooper one-liners, I’ve curated 35 for you to enjoy today.

For readers unfamiliar with him, Tommy Cooper was a legendary British entertainer hugely popular on television in Britain in the 1960s and 1970s.

Thomas Frederick Cooper was a Welsh prop comedian and magician. As an entertainer, his appearance was large and lumbering at 6 feet 4 inches (1.93 m), and he habitually wore a trademark red fez hat when performing.

As a magician, his tricks would often take an unexpected turn for comedic effect. That said, he was a skilled conjurer and a member of the Magic Circle.

Sadly, Tommy Cooper is no longer with us but his humour lives on and there are plenty of old videos on YouTube showing him performing in his heyday. They are well worth checking out if you have the time.

In the meantime, here are some samples of his unique humour.

Tommy Cooper One-liners

I went into a French restaurant and asked the waiter, “Have you got frog’s legs?” He said, “Yes.” So, I said, “Well, hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich!”

I had a dream last night; I was eating a ten-pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

I said, “Seriously, doctor, I have broken my arm in several places.” He said, “Well, you shouldn’t go to those places.”

I’m on a whisky diet, I’ve lost 3 weeks already!

Here’s a little trick I picked up. I don’t know who dropped it

I got complimented on my parking the other day. There was a ticket on my windscreen saying parking fine.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

I never had much luck. I had a rocking horse and that died.

Two elephants fell off a cliff… BOOM, BOOM!

A guy stopped me last night. He said, “Have you seen a policeman round here?” I said ”No.” He said, ”Well, stick ‘em up!”

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

I was cleaning the loft out with the missus the other day. Dirty, filthy and full of cobwebs, but she’s good with the kids.

A woman called her husband and said, “The carburettor is full of water.” “Where’s the car?” the man said. “In the river,” she replied.

I got into this taxi, and I said to the driver, “King Arthur’s Close.” And the driver said, “Don’t worry Tommy, I’ll shake him off at the first corner.”

I call my car flattery. It gets me nowhere.

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.

I hurt my arm. I went to the doctor to get it mended. Afterwards, I asked the doctor if, when it was mended, I could play the piano. He said, “Yes.” I said, “That’s funny; I couldn’t play it before.”

I said, “Waiter, what’s that in my soup?” He said, “I’d better call the boss, I can’t tell one insect from another.”

Just before the show, the producer took me to one side. And left me there. He said, “How do you feel tonight?” I said, “A bit funny.” He said, “Well, get out there before it wears off.”

A policeman stopped me the other night. He taps on the window of the car and says: “Would you please blow into this bag, sir.” I said: “What for, Officer?” He said, “My chips are too hot.”

Did you hear that joke about the fire-eater? She hiccupped and cremated herself.

I met this man at the airport, and I asked him if he`d like to share a taxi with me. He said he would. I said, “You take the engine, I’ll take the wheels!”

I went to the bank today. I said, “Could you check my balance?” They pushed me over.

A big white horse walks into a pub. The barman says, “We have a drink named after you.” The horse says, “What? Eric?”

A man goes into a pet shop. He says, “I’d like to buy a wasp, please.” The shopkeeper says, “Sorry, sir, but we don’t sell wasps.” The man says, “But you’ve got one in the window!”

I said to the gym instructor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

A man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says, “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

So, I was getting into my car, and this guy said to me, “Can you give me a lift?” I said, “Sure! You look great; the world’s your oyster; go for it.”

Last week, I went to a seafood disco and pulled a muscle.

I said to the waiter: “This chicken soup contains no chicken.” He said: “And there’s no horse in the horseradish either.”

My wife and I were married in a toilet. It was a marriage of convenience.

Two kids were arrested yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

It’s odd, isn’t it? You stand in the middle of a library and go, “Aaaaagghhhh!!” and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on a plane, and everyone joins in.

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says, “Does this taste funny to you?”

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Did you enjoy Tommy Cooper’s brand of humour?

If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Thank you.

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22 Murrayisms to make Murray Walker fans smile

09/08/2024 by

MURRAYISMSIf you’re wondering what Murrayisms are then perhaps you’re not familiar with the late, legendary, Formula One commentator Murray Walker.

Murrayisms were amusing, and often factually incorrect quips that Murray Walker would say as he got carried away by his own enthusiasm and excitement during an F1 race.

For motorsport fans everywhere, they added to the entertainment and endeared Murray to their hearts. His enthusiasm was genuinely infectious and the fans loved him for it.

Graeme Murray Walker OBE was a British motorsport commentator, journalist and former advertising executive. He provided television commentary of live Formula One racing in a broadcasting career spanning over 50 years. And his way with words helped to earn him his status as a national treasure in Britain.

So here are 22 Murrayisms for your pleasure and entertainment. Enjoy them all.

Murrayisms

Murrayisms (1 – 11):

  1. And now, excuse me while I interrupt myself.
  2. Either the car is stationary, or it’s on the move.
  3. With half the race gone, there’s half the race still to go.
  4. There’s nothing wrong with the car except that it’s on fire.
  5. Anything can happen in Grand Prix racing, and it usually does.
  6. You might think that’s cricket and it’s not, it’s motor racing.
  7. That’s history. I say history because it happened in the past.
  8. I can’t believe what’s happening visually, in front of my eyes.
  9. He can’t decide whether to leave his visor half open or half closed.
  10. The lead car is unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.
  11. If is a very long word in Formula One. In fact IF is F1 spelled backwards.

Murrayisms

Murrayisms (11 – 22):

  1. And that just shows you how important the car is in Formula One racing.
  2. Motor racing can never be totally safe and it never should be in my opinion.
  3. I should imagine that the conditions in the cockpit are totally unimaginable.
  4. I’ve no idea what Eddie Irvine’s orders are, but he’s following them superlatively well.
  5. I don’t make mistakes. I make prophecies which immediately turn out to be wrong.
  6. This circuit is interesting because it has inclines and declines. Not just up, but down as well.
  7. Well, now we have exactly the same situation as at the beginning of the race, only exactly opposite.
  8. Schumacher wouldn’t have let him past voluntarily. Of course he did it voluntarily, but he had to do it.
  9. There are seven winners of the Monaco Grand Prix on the starting line today and four of them are Michael Schumacher.
  10. Eight minutes past the hour here in Belgium, and presumably eight minutes past the hour everywhere in the world.
  11. Now he must not go the wrong way round the circuit, and unless he can spin himself stationary through 360 degrees I fail to see how he can avoid doing so.

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And if you fancy some laughs then click on the links below. You’ll find plenty to make you smile.

Thank you.

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Filed Under: Quotes, Witty One-Liners Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

33 amusing one-liners that might just make you smile

08/25/2024 by

You might enjoy today’s post if you love witty and amusing one-liners.

There are 33 little gems here that should tickle you, at least a little.

Either that, or they might make you cringe.

Yes, it’s true, a few are corny. Nevertheless, I hope they give you a laugh.

So enjoy them all, and please feel free to pass them on.

Amusing One-liners (1-11):

  1. As a skill, sign language is quite handy.
  2. We have a chicken-proof lawn. It’s impeccable.
  3. Try running behind a car and you’ll only get exhausted.
  4. If I had a DeLorean, I’d only drive it from time to time.
  5. Elvis, my pet mouse has died. He was caught in a trap.
  6. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
  7. Knowing how to pick locks has opened a lot of doors for me.
  8. I’ve got a pen that writes underwater. It writes other words too.
  9. If towels could tell jokes, would they have a dry sense of humor?
  10. What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.
  11. Live, love and laugh. If that doesn’t work then load, aim and fire.

Amusing One-liners (12-22):

  1. Why was it so hot at the ballpark after the game? All the fans left.
  2. I switched from eating venison to pheasant. It was a game-changer.
  3. The perfect solution for keeping Brownies fresh? Eat them all in one sitting.
  4. My wife would’ve looked for her missing watch but she couldn’t find the time.
  5. The Invisible Man married an invisible woman. Their kids weren’t anything to look at either.
  6. I explained to my carpenter that I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
  7. When I was a kid, I thought Sunday School was where you learned to make ice cream.
  8. I went into a pub and ate a Ploughman’s lunch. The ploughman really wasn’t happy about it.
  9. Replace your chocolate bar with grapefruit as a snack and you can lose 90% of the joy of living.
  10. I arranged for a Russian driver to take me to the airport. His name was Pikkup Andropov.
  11. Police were called to the old folks’ home because an elderly lady was resisting a rest.

Amusing One-liners (23-33):

  1. My friend is so dumb he got fired from the Dollar store because he couldn’t remember the prices.
  2. A man was arrested after falling into a Combine Harvester whilst trying to steal it. He’s now been bailed.
  3. The sweater I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.
  4. My wife said suddenly, “You weren’t listening to me.” And I thought, “That’s a strange way to start a conversation.”
  5. I don’t mind coming to work each day. It’s the eight-hour wait before I can go home that I’m not keen on.
  6. A guy has been stealing shirts at the Shopping Mall in order of size. Apparently, he’s still at large.
  7. My wife’s been telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. She says it’s all about raisin awareness.
  8. There was a time when cosmetic surgery was a taboo subject. Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
  9. I asked the librarian where I could find books on Paranoia. She leaned in towards me and whispered quietly, “They’re right behind you!”
  10. A man walks into a hardware store and picks up a can fly spray. “Is this good for wasps,” he asks. “No, it kills them,” the cashier responded.
  11. Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Whereas married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post worth a few minutes of your time?

Were these one-liners amusing? Did they make you smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

21 brilliant one-liner quotes that are sharp and witty

08/24/2024 by

Here are 21 brilliant one-liner quotes for you today.

I’m confident that at least some of them will make you smile.

Certainly, they made me smile.

Enjoy them all.

And please feel free to pass them on.

Brilliant one-liner quotes (1-10):

  1. I did have a handle on life, but it’s broken.
  2. No, I can’t offer you a solution, but I can offer a sarcastic remark.
  3. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.
  4. I don’t like jokes about the unemployed because none of them works.
  5. Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.
  6. Every organisation is perfectly designed to get the results they’re getting.
  7. Do people really practise yoga every day? It sounds like a bit of a stretch to me.
  8. If you think television can insult your intelligence, nothing rubs it in like a computer.
  9. I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.
  10. Letting go of a loved one is hard unless you’re trying to survive a rock-climbing accident.

Brilliant one-liner quotes (11-21):

  1. Have you heard about the new game for Generation Z kids’? It’s called ‘I spy with my little iPhone’.
  2. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  3. Worrying can solve your problems. I know because 99 per cent of the things I worry about never happen.
  4. Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
  5. I was knocked off the donkey I was riding when someone threw a rock at me. I was literally stoned off my ass.
  6. You might be tempted to fight fire with fire, but remember that the fire department prefers to use water.
  7. If you give a man a fish you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you’ve saved yourself a fish, haven’t you?
  8. I’m told money can’t buy me happiness but, surely being miserable in a Mercedes beats being miserable on the bus?
  9. So, what, if the early bird gets the worm? It’s better to be the second mouse and get the cheese. Worm or cheese? No contest!
  10. A ghost walked into a bar and ordered a shot of Jack Daniel’s. The bartender said, ‘I’m sorry buddy but we don’t serve spirits in here.’
  11. If you want proof that light travels faster than sound, you only have to look at people who appear bright until they open their mouths.

Please share this post with your friends:

Did any of these brilliant one-liner quotes make you smile, dear reader? I hope so. And if they did, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Thank you for your support.

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Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

60 we were so poor jokes that’ll make you smile

07/11/2024 by

Every parent likes to tell their children stories about how tough life was in their youth. You kids today have a life filled with fancy vacations and designer clothes, but it was tougher for us, they’ll say? So, here are 60 amusing “we were so poor jokes” about the imagined realities of growing up in days gone by when people were flat-out broke. People looking back with a slightly romanticized notion of yesteryear.

Get ready to smile at the sheer ingenuity of those who came from humble beginnings.

And feel free to pass on these little gems.

We were so poor jokes (1-10):

We were so poor, we couldn’t afford to dream.

We were so poor, our Christmas tree was a twig.

We were so poor we had to reuse birthday candles.

We were so poor, we couldn’t even afford to get lost.

We were so poor, we couldn’t afford to pay attention.

We were so poor even our pet dog only had three legs.

We were so poor our rainbows were in black and white.

We were so poor we used to wash our clothes in the rain.

We were so poor our TV only had two channels: on and off.

We were so poor we even had to eat our toenail clippings.

We were so poor jokes (11-20):

We were so poor a brush was something you had with the law.

We were so poor a burner was a cell phone used for nefarious activities.

We were so poor that anything was legal, as long as you didn’t get caught.

We were so poor a window was an opportunity to steal when no one was home.

We were so poor an iron was a metal bar you’d use to defend what little you had.

We were so poor a comb meant a police search of our house looking for illicit contraband.

We were so poor a ring was something that had to deal with the consequences of a bad diet.

We were so poor a tie was an item used to secure something valuable to prevent it being stolen.

We were so poor and hungry that even the termites were too terrified to come to our house lest they be eaten.

We were so poor a handle was something you had on a subject you needed to know a lot about, like what you can get away with if you were careful.

We were so poor jokes (21-30):

We were so poor we had to use both sides of the toilet paper.

We were so poor our allowance was paid in Monopoly money.

We were so poor we had to share a bed with our neighbours.

We were so poor we had to use the cat as a hot water bottle.

We were so poor even the tooth fairy left us discount coupons.

We were so poor we couldn’t afford to turn the page in a book.

We were so poor our family vacation was a trip to our backyard.

We were so poor even the holes in our shoes had holes in them.

We were so poor we had to use the phone book as a booster seat.

We were so poor we couldn’t even afford a cardboard box to live in.

We were so poor jokes (31-40):

We were so poor that we only got to eat fast food if we caught a rabbit.

We were so poor our family portrait was a matchstick figure drawing.

We were so poor, we could only afford to listen to Simon or Garfunkel.

We were so poor a treat was going to KFC to lick other people’s fingers.

We were so poor my parents used to cut coupons for birthday presents.

We were so poor the only time I ever flew on a plane was in my dreams.

We were so poor we had to eat breakfast cereal with a fork to save the milk.

We were so poor making a fashion statement was wearing mismatched socks.

We were so poor entertainment was watching our neighbours mow their lawn.

We were so poor a runner was something you did when you couldn’t pay the bill.

We were so poor jokes (41-50):

We were so poor we didn’t have cups we had to drink out of a rolled up newspaper.

We were so poor we lived in a house so small, I had to go outside to change my mind.

We were so poor our idea of entertainment was watching food rotate in the microwave.

We were so poor for Christmas we got a box of rocks with the instruction, “Be creative!“

We were so poor our idea of a comfortable bed was finding a carpeted floor to sleep on.

We were so poor getting away in the summer was going for a long walk in the local park.

We were so poor our idea of a designer handbag was a grocery bag with a Walmart logo.

We were so poor we didn’t have a doorbell, visitors to our house just had to yell “Ding Dong!”

We were so poor I had to wear my sister’s hand-me-downs, and she was a year younger than me.

We were so poor our idea of dining in a fancy restaurant was a trip to McDonalds, but only on payday.

We were so poor jokes (51-60):

We were so poor a fork was something you found in the road.

We were so poor we had to save the gas from our farts and sell it as lighter fuel.

We were so poor the nearest we ever got to a jacuzzi was eating a plate of beans before taking a bath.

We were so poor our family motto was “Use it up, wear it out, make do, or go without.” Mostly the last one.

We were so poor Santa used to leave us a note saying, “Due to economic difficulties, presents are on backorder.”

We were so poor our experience of fireworks displays was watching our neighbours light theirs through a hole in the fence.

We were so poor I used to think double date meant convincing another friend to come along so we could split the cost of the pizza.

We were so poor my parents insisted anything I wanted had to be paid for with chores. So, if I wanted dinner I had to wash the car.

We were so poor the only time we went to an amusement park was on a school trip where the highlight was the free water fountain.

We were so poor my parents would talk loudly on our porch about the gangsters they knew in the hope that it would scare away the repoman.

Please share this post with your friends:

Did any of these we were so poor jokes make you smile, dear reader? I hope so. And if they did, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Articles you might enjoy:

You might like to try these free games too:

Copyright © Mann Island Media Limited 2024. All rights reserved.

Filed Under: Witty One-Liners Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,
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