31 great quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm

04/10/2026 by

Today, I thought it might be amusing to look back at some of the many memorable quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm.

If you’re not familiar with this sitcom, Curb Your Enthusiasm is a hilarious comedy starring Larry David, who plays a fictionalized version of himself.

Essentially, the series follows Larry’s life as a semi-retired television writer and producer as he attempts to cope with life’s frustrations and quirks.

For me, it’s one of the great American sitcoms.

There are plenty of Curb Your Enthusiasm clips on YouTube if you want to check out this comedy, and if you’re unfamiliar with it, that’s well worth doing when you have a little time to spare.

So go ahead and take a look, but not before you’ve enjoyed these memorable quotes.

Enjoy them all.

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Quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm:

I’m yelling for society.

I find human contact repulsive.

Can I apologise for the apology?

I’m married. I can wear whatever I want.

By sundown? What are you, Gary Cooper?

I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk.

Hey, mind your own business. How about that?

I’ve got ideas, but I choose not to carry them out.

I always think of nice things, but I never act on them.

It seems silly to me to put a napkin on an old pair of pants.

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Why does everybody have to have pictures of everything?

I’m feeling pretty good. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.”

Anybody want to help a semi-retarded individual change a tire?

We’re fighting because you’re a moron. That’s why we’re fighting.

I’m sorry if you’re offended. I don’t think I said anything offensive.

You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.

I don’t like talking to people I know, but strangers I have no problem with.

Bald asshole? That’s a hate crime. We consider ourselves to be a group.

He wanted to stop and chat with me, and I don’t know him well enough for a stop and chat.

Can I tell you something about apricots? 1 in 30 is a good one. It’s such a low percentage fruit.

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A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.

Nobody likes a tattle-tale, NOBODY! So go ahead and squeal and you’ll end up in HELL! OKAY!

You can put my colon up next to your colon; we’ll see who has a cleaner, healthier colon.

What is this compulsion to have people over at your house and serve them food and talk to them?

It’s completely unprofessional. And I know because my whole career’s been based on being unprofessional.

An employee is told that the customer’s always right and, in fact, the customer is usually a moron and an asshole.

You’re nothing without your health. Some people are nothing even with their health. I fall in that category, sometimes.

I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbours. The thieves don’t impose. Thieves just want your things. Neighbours want your time.

I did, once, try and stop a woman who was about to get hit by a car. I screamed out ‘Watch out!’ and she said ‘Don’t you tell me what to do!’

You know what? Never mind, alright! I-I’ll take my liver out! I’ll walk around with a dialysis machine hanging out of me for the rest of my life, no problem!

You know what it is? You’re always attracted to someone who doesn’t want you, right? Well, here you have somebody who not only doesn’t want you; doesn’t even acknowledge your right to exist; wants your destruction! That’s a turn-on.

Phil Sutton

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Did you enjoy these quotes from Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm, dear reader?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If you enjoyed them, please share this post with your friends on social media, because when you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now. If you can do that for me, then I’ll be forever grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience, and that will be your good deed for the day.

Thank you for your support.

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75 Amusing quotes by unknown authors you’ll love

04/02/2026 by

Today, I am exploring amusing quotes by unknown authors.

I am a collector of quotes, and I’ve got thousands from the great names and thinkers of the past, as well as some from more recent times.

However, many quotes I stumble on are by unknown authors.

Nevertheless, if they are memorable or amusing, they are still worth circulating.

So, I’ve been going through my journals to curate some amusing quotes for you, dear reader.

Therefore, without further ado, here are 75 amusing quotes by unknown authors that I think will make you smile. Certainly, some of them will; I’m confident of that.

Enjoy them all and feel free to share them.

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Amusing Quotes by Unknown Authors

  1. Save water, drink wine.
  2. There is no ‘we’ in fries.
  3. I’m not fat; I’m just easy to see.
  4. I love my job; it’s the work I hate.
  5. My favourite sport is channel surfing.
  6. My job is secure. No one else wants it.
  7. A clean house is a sign of a wasted life.
  8. My get-up-and-go has got up and gone.
  9. I am in shape. Round is a shape, isn’t it?
  10. I’m not a quitter. I’m just good at giving up.
  11. If life is a journey, I’m pretty sure I’m lost.
  12. The secret to a long life is to keep breathing.
  13. I don’t have bad handwriting; I have my own font.
  14. My house was clean last week. Sorry you missed it.
  15. I followed my heart, and it led me to the kitchen.
  16. My superpower is forgetting why I walked into a room.
  17. I have the body of a god. Unfortunately, it’s Buddha.
  18. My life motto is ‘It could be worse, but I’m not sure how’.
  19. Laughter is the best medicine, unless you have diarrhoea.
  20. My hobbies include eating and complaining about getting fat.
  21. I’m just a girl, looking at a salad, asking it to be a donut.
  22. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
  23. My resume is just a list of things I never want to do again.
  24. I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do.
  25. I don’t trip over things; I do random gravity checks.
  26. Yes, I love my job. It’s the people I can’t stand.
  27. I follow my heart, but it usually leads me to the fridge.
  28. I’m going to stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
  29. The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
  30. Doing nothing is hard; you never know when you’re finished.
  31. If life is a movie, I feel like the character who dies in the first scene.
  32. Teamwork is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
  33. My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.
  34. I arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
  35. The only marathon I run is on Netflix.
  36. My phone is my best friend. It knows all my secrets and never judges my selfies.
  37. If you can’t laugh at yourself, I’ll be happy to do it for you.
  38. Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk, and the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
  39. A best friend is someone who knows exactly how crazy you are but is still willing to be seen with you in public.
  40. Siblings: the only people you can be annoyed with one minute and then laughing with the next.
  41. The more I know about people, the more I like my dog.
  42. I can eat cake because it’s always somebody’s birthday somewhere.
  43. Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. So, chocolate is just salad.
  44. Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.
  45. Don’t take yourself too seriously. No one else does.
  46. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  47. If you can’t be a good example, you can always be a terrible warning.
  48. I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.
  49. God must love stupid people. He made so many of them.
  50. My room isn’t messy; it’s an obstacle course designed to keep me fit.
  51. My brain: ‘You should go for a run.’ My legs: ‘Don’t listen to him, he’s crazy.’
  52. I’ve reached the age where getting lucky means finding my car in the parking lot.
  53. Never laugh at your wife’s choices, because you’re one of them.
  54. I’m not a control freak, but can I show you the right way to do that?
  55. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off right now.
  56. I haven’t even started my to-do list, and I’m already exhausted.
  57. How come the reward for a job well done is more work?
  58. Nothing ruins a Friday like realising it’s only Tuesday.
  59. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
  60. If life gives you lemons, find someone whose life gave them vodka and have a party.
  61. Social media is where we go to pretend our lives are perfect.
  62. The internet: where you go to waste time you don’t have, arguing with people you don’t know, about things that don’t matter.
  63. I’m so old, I can remember when ‘cloud’ was just something in the sky.
  64. My phone battery lasts longer than most of my relationships.
  65. I don’t need an inspirational quote; I need a vacation.
  66. My life is a constant battle between wanting to save money and wanting to buy things I don’t need.
  67. I don’t have a short temper; I just have a quick reaction to nonsense.
  68. My friends and I are the reason the phrase ‘don’t try this at home‘ exists.
  69. My ambition is to be the person who gets paid to test mattresses.
  70. The road to success is always under construction, and I’m the one stuck in traffic.
  71. If life is a stage, I’m the one who forgot his lines.
  72. The only thing I’m certain about is that I can’t be certain about anything at all.
  73. Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you were stupid and made poor choices.
  74. In a crisis, the person smiling is the one who has found someone to blame.
  75. I’m not saying I’m Batman. I’m just saying nobody has ever seen Batman and me in the same room together. Surely, that’s making you think.
Phil Sutton

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Did any of these amusing quotes by unknown authors tickle you, dear reader?

You did? I hope so.

If that is the case, then please share them with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share them now. If you can do that for me, I really would be ever so grateful.

Thank you.

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15 amusing quotes by Zsa Zsa Gabor

02/06/2026 by

Today, I am exploring amusing quotes by Zsa Zsa Gabor.

The late Zsa Zsa Gabor was an actress and socialite known for her luxurious taste, glamorous sense of style, and series of high-profile marriages to wealthy men. She was married nine times.

Born in Hungary to parents of Jewish heritage, she was crowned Miss Hungary in 1936.

She began her stage career in Vienna before leaving for the United States in 1941.

With her strong personality, grace, and charm, she became a much sought-after actress and was highly regarded for her European flair and style.

Zsa Zsa Gabor never failed to speak her mind, particularly when it came to matters of men, marriage, and celebrity, and she was well known for her witty remarks and memorable one-liners.

Her sisters were the actresses Eva Gabor and Magda Gabor.

She was a Hollywood legend, so let’s remember some of her most memorable quips with what I think are 15 very amusing quotes.

amusing quotes by Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Amusing quotes by Zsa Zsa Gabor:

  1. I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  2. My husband said it was him or the cat. I miss him sometimes.~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  3. How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own? ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  4. I’m a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  5. I want a man who is kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire? ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  6. There is no diet for a big ego.~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  7. A girl must marry for love and keep on marrying until she finds it. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  8. Husbands are like fires. They go out when unattended.~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  9. When in trouble, take a bath and wash your hair.~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  10. Any woman who diets all the time can’t help but be grouchy. Nobody can be amusing or entertaining on a diet.~Zsa Zsa Gabor 
  11. I believe in large families. Every woman should have at least three husbands.~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  12. A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  13. I love the intellectual type. They know everything and suspect nothing. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  14. The only place men want depth in their women is in her décolletage. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
  15. I always said marriage should be a fifty-fifty proposition. He should be at least fifty years old and have at least fifty million dollars.~Zsa Zsa Gabor
Phil Sutton

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You did? I hope so anyway.

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65 odd quotes that will make you think

02/02/2026 by

If you like odd quotes, then take a look at the 65 I’ve curated for you here today. They’ll all make you think, and some might even amuse you, too.

Enjoy them all.

And please feel free to pass them on.

ODD QUOTES
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Odd Quotes (1 – 10):

If success is your goal, the main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing.

My to-do list is a battleground between ambition and procrastination. Ambition is losing.

My brain is 80% sarcasm, 10% existential dread, and 10% whatever song is stuck in my head.

I don’t trust stairs that don’t creak. They’re plotting something.

A nap is nature’s way of saying, ‘You weren’t listening the first time I told you to go to bed.’

The only difference between me and a crazy person is I am good at hiding it in public.

Coffee is like a hug in a mug. Unless you add too much coffee, then it’s an anxiety attack in a mug.

I don’t know what’s wrong with my phone. I keep pressing the home button, but I still feel lost.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them. If you can’t confuse them, sprinkle glitter on everything and make a dramatic exit.

Dust bunnies are nature’s tumbleweeds, whispering secrets of forgotten snacks.

Odd Quotes (11 – 20):

I’m convinced houseplants judge me silently. Especially the ones I keep forgetting to water.

My therapist says I should express my emotions. So here I am, publicly admitting my love for fluffy socks.

If procrastination were an Olympic sport, I’d be a shoo-in for the gold medal.

I’m not indecisive, I’m just exploring all the awesome options. Simultaneously. (dangerous for buffets)

Sometimes I wonder if fish ever get bored of just swimming in circles. Then I remember I do the same thing on social media.

My pockets are like mini portals to another dimension. You never know what you might find in there.

I’m 100% sure butterflies taste like sunshine and rainbows. Don’t ask me how I know.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I walk it daily, with a cup of coffee in one hand and a dream in the other.

My future self keeps sending me emails with the subject line ‘WHY?!?’

I’m not saying I talk to my furniture, but sometimes it gives surprisingly good advice.

Odd Quotes (21 – 30):

I’m convinced the reason birds can fly is because they have built-in confidence. Maybe I should try flapping my arms harder.

I’m not lost, I’m exploring alternative routes. Very scenic, and highly recommended (unless you’re in a hurry).

If you think nobody is listening to you, you’re probably right. But the houseplants are definitely judging.

Wrinkles are just battle scars from all the smiles I’ve collected over the years. (Or maybe from squinting at my phone too much.)

I’m an adult. (Debatable.) But I can definitely eat cookies for breakfast. (Not debatable.)

Sometimes the best conversations are the ones you have with yourself in the shower. Especially if you sing along.

I believe in aliens. But mostly because I can’t believe there are only boring humans on this whole planet.

I’m not addicted to social media; I can quit anytime… just let me finish checking these notifications real quick.

I used to think multitasking was a superpower. Now I just think it’s a recipe for burnt toast and forgotten birthdays.

My bed is a magical portal to another dimension where time has no meaning and laundry disappears. Don’t judge me.

Odd Quotes (31 – 40):

I’m not messy, I’m creatively de-cluttered. It’s like abstract expressionism, but with clothes and coffee cups.

I put the ‘pro’ in procrastination. Like a professional procrastinator. At the very least.

If napping was an Olympic sport, I’d be a living legend. Just ask my pillow.

I’m convinced dogs can understand everything we say. They just choose not to respond because they’re judging our life choices.

I wonder if clouds ever get lonely, just floating around by themselves all the time.

I’m not saying I’m lazy, I’m just very good at prioritizing rest. Rest is high on the list.

Spiders are nature’s tiny interior decorators. Just a bit too enthusiastic with the cobwebs.

Laundry folding is like a mythical creature: everyone talks about it, but nobody has seen it done.

I’m convinced buttons are conspiring against us. They always fall off at the worst possible moment.

The only reason I clean is because dust bunnies start forming organized societies. And that’s just creepy.

Odd Quotes (41 – 50):

My brain is like a browser with a million tabs open. Most of them are frozen and useless, but I can’t seem to close them.

I’m not a morning person, I’m a ‘coffee first, then talk’ person.

Sometimes the best way to get motivated is to set a deadline for yourself. Like, right before your favorite show starts.

I’m not anti-social, I’m selectively social. Like, I choose the company of animals over humans most days.

I believe in ghosts, but mostly because explaining away all the weird noises in my house gets tiring.

The struggle is real between wanting to be productive and wanting to build a blanket fort and live there forever.

I’m not indecisive, I’m just open to a wide range of possibilities. (Which basically means I can’t make a decision for the life of me.)

I’m convinced my cat is secretly judging my life choices. And frankly, I deserve it.

My bank account balance and my to-do list are in an inverse relationship. The more I do, the less I have.

Adulting is basically pretending to know what you’re doing most of the time. And hoping nobody notices.

Odd Quotes (51 – 60):

Life is a journey, not a destination. But sometimes, the journey involves getting lost on the highway of life and eating questionable gas station snacks.

My brain is a party with too many guests. Interesting conversations, but nobody can get anything done.

I wonder if mountains ever get bored of the same view. Maybe that’s why they erupt – a desperate need for a change of scenery.

I used to think I was good at multitasking. Now I just think I’m good at making a mess in several areas at once.

The only reason I go to the gym is to confuse my body into thinking it’s still young and capable. It rarely works.

The internet is a double-edged sword. You can learn anything you want, but you can also learn that people put pineapples on pizza. (Shudder)

I’m not lost in thought, I’m on an intellectual adventure in the labyrinth of my mind. (Hopefully I find my way out eventually.)

Sometimes the best conversations are the ones you have with yourself in the mirror. Especially if you give yourself good advice.

I believe in karma, but mostly because the idea of bad things happening to mean people is comforting. (Don’t worry, be good!)

I used to think money can’t buy happiness. Now I think it can buy a comfortable bed, good coffee, and fluffy blankets. That’s pretty darn close.

Odd Quotes (61 – 65):

My social battery is like a phone battery. It starts strong, then rapidly depletes with every interaction. Introvert life, anyone?

I’m not messy, I’m artistically de-organized. It creates a unique ambiance, like a modern art installation… of dirty clothes.

There’s a special place in heaven for people who return shopping carts. Probably right next to the free parking zone.

The internet is a magical place where you can learn anything you want, including how to make a volcano out of baking soda and vinegar. Don’t ask me why I know this.

I’m convinced dogs can understand everything we say. They just choose to respond with tail wags and happy barks because they’re too nice to point out our flaws.

Phil Sutton

Please share this post with your friends:

If you found these odd quotes interesting or amusing, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins.

If you could share this post now, I’ll be forever grateful.

You’d be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience.

Thank you.

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© Mann Island Media Limited 2026. All rights reserved.

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60 we were so poor jokes that’ll make you smile

01/16/2026 by

Every parent likes to tell their children stories about how tough life was in their youth. You kids today have a life filled with fancy vacations and designer clothes, but it was tougher for us, they’ll say. So, here are 60 amusing “we were so poor jokes” about the imagined realities of growing up in days gone by, when people were flat-out broke. People looking back with a slightly romanticised notion of yesteryear.

Get ready to smile at the sheer ingenuity of those who came from humble beginnings.

And feel free to pass on these little gems.

We were so poor jokes (1-10):

We were so poor, we couldn’t afford to dream.

We were so poor, our Christmas tree was a twig.

We were so poor we had to reuse birthday candles.

We were so poor, we couldn’t even afford to get lost.

We were so poor, we couldn’t afford to pay attention.

We were so poor even our pet dog only had three legs.

We were so poor our rainbows were in black and white.

We were so poor we used to wash our clothes in the rain.

We were so poor our TV only had two channels: on and off.

We were so poor we even had to eat our toenail clippings.

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We were so poor jokes (11-20):

We were so poor a brush was something you had with the law.

We were so poor a burner was a cell phone used for nefarious activities.

We were so poor that anything was legal, as long as you didn’t get caught.

We were so poor a window was an opportunity to steal when no one was home.

We were so poor an iron was a metal bar you’d use to defend what little you had.

We were so poor a comb meant a police search of our house looking for illicit contraband.

We were so poor a ring was something that had to deal with the consequences of a bad diet.

We were so poor a tie was an item used to secure something valuable to prevent it being stolen.

We were so poor and hungry that even the termites were too terrified to come to our house lest they be eaten.

We were so poor a handle was something you had on a subject you needed to know a lot about, like what you can get away with if you were careful.

We were so poor jokes (21-30):

We were so poor we had to use both sides of the toilet paper.

We were so poor our allowance was paid in Monopoly money.

We were so poor we had to share a bed with our neighbours.

We were so poor we had to use the cat as a hot water bottle.

We were so poor even the tooth fairy left us discount coupons.

We were so poor we couldn’t afford to turn the page in a book.

We were so poor our family vacation was a trip to our backyard.

We were so poor even the holes in our shoes had holes in them.

We were so poor we had to use the phone book as a booster seat.

We were so poor we couldn’t even afford a cardboard box to live in.

Phil Sutton

We were so poor jokes (31-40):

We were so poor that we only got to eat fast food if we caught a rabbit.

We were so poor our family portrait was a matchstick figure drawing.

We were so poor, we could only afford to listen to Simon or Garfunkel.

We were so poor a treat was going to KFC to lick other people’s fingers.

We were so poor my parents used to cut coupons for birthday presents.

We were so poor the only time I ever flew on a plane was in my dreams.

We were so poor we had to eat breakfast cereal with a fork to save the milk.

We were so poor making a fashion statement was wearing mismatched socks.

We were so poor entertainment was watching our neighbours mow their lawn.

We were so poor a runner was something you did when you couldn’t pay the bill.

We were so poor jokes (41-50):

We were so poor we didn’t have cups we had to drink out of a rolled up newspaper.

We were so poor we lived in a house so small, I had to go outside to change my mind.

We were so poor our idea of entertainment was watching food rotate in the microwave.

We were so poor for Christmas we got a box of rocks with the instruction, “Be creative!“

We were so poor our idea of a comfortable bed was finding a carpeted floor to sleep on.

We were so poor getting away in the summer was going for a long walk in the local park.

We were so poor our idea of a designer handbag was a grocery bag with a Walmart logo.

We were so poor we didn’t have a doorbell, visitors to our house just had to yell “Ding Dong!”

We were so poor I had to wear my sister’s hand-me-downs, and she was a year younger than me.

We were so poor our idea of dining in a fancy restaurant was a trip to McDonalds, but only on payday.

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We were so poor jokes (51-60):

We were so poor a fork was something you found in the road.

We were so poor we had to save the gas from our farts and sell it as lighter fuel.

We were so poor the nearest we ever got to a jacuzzi was eating a plate of beans before taking a bath.

We were so poor our family motto was “Use it up, wear it out, make do, or go without.” Mostly the last one.

We were so poor Santa used to leave us a note saying, “Due to economic difficulties, presents are on backorder.”

We were so poor our experience of fireworks displays was watching our neighbours light theirs through a hole in the fence.

We were so poor I used to think double date meant convincing another friend to come along so we could split the cost of the pizza.

We were so poor my parents insisted anything I wanted had to be paid for with chores. So, if I wanted dinner I had to wash the car.

We were so poor the only time we went to an amusement park was on a school trip where the highlight was the free water fountain.

We were so poor my parents would talk loudly on our porch about the gangsters they knew in the hope that it would scare away the repoman.

Please share this post with your friends:

Did any of these we were so poor jokes make you smile, dear reader? I hope so. And if they did, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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30 funny dating profile examples or how not to write one

01/16/2026 by

Today, I have been collecting funny dating profile examples for your amusement, dear reader.

In days gone by, the dating game was simple. You went to a dance on a Saturday night, and, with a bit of luck, you met someone nice who was willing to see you again.

Obviously, the modern dating scene is very different. The age of the dating app makes the process difficult, insofar as you don’t get to meet someone unless they like what they see and what you have to say in your profile.

So you need a flattering photo, naturally, as well as a good sales pitch. And it really needs to be a sales pitch because you are actually trying to sell yourself to any potential dates who are checking out your profile.

A good sales pitch should highlight your unique selling proposition and the reasons why you’re a worthy date. Your words should be positive and scream:

I’m a great catch, so grab me while I’m still available.

In short, your words should be a call to action.

Any decent salesperson could tell you this, so there’s nothing unique in what I’m saying here. You’d think it was obvious, wouldn’t you?

Following a close inspection of a few dating apps, though, I can tell you that there are plenty of people out there who haven’t done themselves any favours with their profiles.

However, whilst such people don’t necessarily do themselves any favours with their profiles, their words have the potential to make us all laugh.

So here are 30 funny dating profile examples that really made me smile.

These are from real apps, albeit I wonder whether some were written tongue-in-cheek.

funny dating profile examples
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Funny dating profile examples (1-15):

  1. Miserable soul looking for love.
  2. Recovering alcoholic seeking soul mate.
  3. My life’s a car crash; can you make it better?
  4. I’ve just got the all-clear, so I’m ready for love again.
  5. Manic depressive looking for a nice girl to cheer him up.
  6. If you’ve got a fetish for body odour then I’m your man.
  7. I hate men but could you be the one to change my mind?
  8. So far, I’ve had 60 lovers at college, will you be my 61st?
  9. Looking for someone to pay my bills and take care of me.
  10. If you’ll be my meal ticket I’ll be your pampered princess.
  11. My relationships never work out but I’m willing to try again.
  12. Angry bitch looking for that special one to make his life hell.
  13. Don’t think of me as bald, think hairstyle that says minimalism.
  14. If you can handle a drama Queen then I could be the one for you.
  15. Served my sentence for assault and battery. Now looking for love.

Funny dating profile examples (16-30):

  1. If you’ll cook, clean and do my ironing then you’re the girl for me.
  2. I enjoy long walks and candlelit dinners and someone to pay the bill.
  3. Bad teeth, bad breath, body odour and acne but otherwise a great catch.
  4. Had my fun and I’ve got three kids to prove it. So what can you offer me?
  5. If you’re looking for a fixer-upper then I could be the challenge you need.
  6. As long as I always get my own way in every situation, I can be flexible.
  7. I hate everyone, so why should I like you? You’ll need a good story to tell.
  8. If you’re looking for a bird with a lot of troublesome baggage, then I’m your girl.
  9. My mother will always be my first priority but if that works for a girl like you, swipe right.
  10. If you’re looking for someone considerate, kind and caring then you’d better swipe left.
  11. I’ve got all the looks, charm and intelligence anyone could possibly want and I’m modest too.
  12. With three kids and one on the way, I’m looking for a father for them. Could you be the one?
  13. I can be difficult, jealous, sarcastic and moody. Could you be the one to make me happy?
  14. You could be my downtime, my spare time, my part-time, and my sometime. Someone I turn to when I’ve nothing better to do.
  15. Bald man with no job, no money, no prospects and living with his parents is looking for a good woman with her own house and car. Could you be the one?
Phil Sutton

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22 Murrayisms to make Murray Walker fans smile

01/07/2026 by

If you’re wondering what Murrayisms are, then perhaps you’re not familiar with the late, legendary Formula One commentator Murray Walker.

Murrayisms were amusing and often factually incorrect quips that Murray Walker would say as he got carried away by his own enthusiasm and excitement during an F1 race.

For motorsport fans everywhere, they added to the entertainment and endeared Murray to their hearts. His enthusiasm was genuinely infectious, and the fans loved him for it.

Graeme Murray Walker OBE was a British motorsport commentator, journalist, and former advertising executive. He provided television commentary of live Formula One racing in a broadcasting career spanning over 50 years. His way with words helped to earn him his status as a national treasure in Britain.

So here are 22 Murrayisms for your pleasure and entertainment. Enjoy them all.

MURRAYISMS
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Murrayisms (1 – 11):

  1. And now, excuse me while I interrupt myself.
  2. Either the car is stationary, or it’s on the move.
  3. With half the race gone, there’s half the race still to go.
  4. There’s nothing wrong with the car except that it’s on fire.
  5. Anything can happen in Grand Prix racing, and it usually does.
  6. You might think that’s cricket, and it’s not; it’s motor racing.
  7. That’s history. I say history because it happened in the past.
  8. I can’t believe what’s happening visually, in front of my eyes.
  9. He can’t decide whether to leave his visor half open or half closed.
  10. The lead car is unique, except for the one behind it, which is identical.
  11. If is a very long word in Formula One. In fact, IF is F1 spelt backwards.
Phil Sutton

Murrayisms (11 – 22):

  1. And that just shows you how important the car is in Formula One racing.
  2. Motor racing can never be totally safe, and it never should be, in my opinion.
  3. I should imagine that the conditions in the cockpit are totally unimaginable.
  4. I’ve no idea what Eddie Irvine’s orders are, but he’s following them superlatively well.
  5. I don’t make mistakes. I make prophecies which immediately turn out to be wrong.
  6. This circuit is interesting because it has inclines and declines. Not just up, but down as well.
  7. Well, now we have exactly the same situation as at the beginning of the race, only exactly opposite.
  8. Schumacher wouldn’t have let him past voluntarily. Of course, he did it voluntarily, but he had to do it.
  9. There are seven winners of the Monaco Grand Prix on the starting line today, and four of them are Michael Schumacher.
  10. Eight minutes past the hour here in Belgium, and presumably eight minutes past the hour everywhere in the world.
  11. Now he must not go the wrong way round the circuit, and unless he can spin himself stationary through 360 degrees, I fail to see how he can avoid doing so.
Go Explore London

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20 classic Elaine Benes quotes that’ll make you smile

12/16/2025 by

Another offering in my series with the theme of memorable sitcom characters, today, I thought it would be entertaining to take a look back at some classic Elaine Benes quotes.

Who can forget this brilliant character from the American sitcom Seinfeld, played by the hugely talented Julia Louis-Dreyfus?

Elaine was a woman holding her own in a man’s world. She was smart and funny, and she brought a sparkle to the show. However, like all memorable sitcom characters, she was essentially a little flawed too, as you’ll appreciate from the quotes today.

If you love Seinfeld, I’m sure you will be a fan of Elaine Benes.

However, if you’re not old enough to remember Seinfeld and Elaine Benes, in particular, then you’ll find plenty of amusing clips from this sitcom, and featuring the character Elaine Benes, on YouTube.

They’re all brilliant and definitely well worth a little piece of your time.

So check them out, but not before you’ve enjoyed these 20 classic Elaine Benes quotes, which I’m confident will raise a smile or two and will probably resonate with many female readers, too, I’m sure.

Elaine Benes Quotes
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Elaine Benes Quotes:

  1. I’m dead now. Gotta go! ~ Elaine Benes
  2. I’m not a lesbian! I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian. ~ Elaine Benes
  3. Some people should just give up. I have. ~ Elaine Benes
  4. I once broke up with someone for not offering me pie. ~ Elaine Benes
  5. We just tease someone ’til they develop an eating disorder. ~ Elaine Benes
  6. I had to take a sick day. I’m so sick of these people. ~ Elaine Benes
  7. He’s a wonderful guy, but I hate his guts. ~ Elaine Benes
  8. Well, that’s the positive thing about getting sick, you get to lose weight. ~ Elaine Benes
  9. I think this is the same one I gave him. He recycled this gift. He’s a re-gifter! ~ Elaine Benes
  10. You know that just admitting a man is handsome doesn’t necessarily make you a homos*xual. ~ Elaine Benes
  11. I can’t do this anymore, it’s too long! Just tell your stupid story about the stupid desert and just die already! Die! ~ Elaine Benes
  12. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t break up nicely. I mean, to me, that’s one of the most important parts of a relationship. ~ Elaine Benes
  13. You know, men can sit through the most boring movie if there’s even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off. ~ Elaine Benes
  14. Here’s to those who wish us well, and those who don’t can go to Hell. ~ Elaine Benes
  15. I mean the problem is that the good ones know they’re good. And they know they’re in such demand they’re just not interested in confining themselves to one person. ~ Elaine Benes
  16. That’s the bra I gave her, she’s wearing it as a top! The woman is walking around in broad daylight with nothing but a bra on. She’s a menace to society. ~ Elaine Benes
  17. Kramer, you don’t understand. He made the last contact between us. I had the upper hand in the post-breakup relationship. If he thinks that I said hi, then I lose the upper hand. ~ Elaine Benes
  18. You know, your whole life, you go through painstaking efforts to hide your nipple, and then BOOM, suddenly hundreds of people get their own personal shot of it. ~ Elaine Benes
  19. Yeah, since she met him, she’s been vomited on, her family cabin’s been burned down, she learned her father’s a homos*xual, and she got fired from a high-paying network job. Yeah, they had a real good thing going. ~ Elaine Benes
  20. This whole s*x thing is totally overrated. Now, here’s the one thing you’ve gotta be ready for is how the man changes into a completely different person five seconds after it’s over. I mean, something happens to their personality; it’s really quite astounding. It’s like they committed a crime, and they want to flee the scene before the police get there. ~ Elaine Benes
Saily eSIM

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Thank you.

Phil Sutton
Go Explore London

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15 George Costanza quotes that’ll make you smile

12/06/2025 by

Today, dear reader, I thought you might appreciate some amusing George Costanza quotes.

There have been some wonderful characters in sitcoms over the years, and one of the very best, in my opinion, was that lovable loser George Costanza from the US sitcom Seinfeld, played by the excellent Jason Alexander.

George Costanza had a brilliant turn of phrase, and his cup was always half-empty. If anyone had drawn the short straw in life, it was George. However, he gave us so many laughs, and for that, we should all be very grateful.

So take a couple of minutes, relax, and enjoy all these quotes by George Costanza.

George Costanza quotes
Photo by Alan Light
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George Costanza Quotes:

  1. I don’t trust men in capes.
  2. If she can’t find me, she can’t break up with me.
  3. Jerry, just remember it’s not a lie if you believe it.
  4. You know, I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.
  5. When you look annoyed all the time, people think that you’re busy.
  6. If you can’t say something bad about a relationship, you shouldn’t say anything at all.
  7. The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.
  8. Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.
  9. I don’t think I’ve ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.
  10. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, and my grandfather was a quitter. I was raised to fail.
  11. You should’ve seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.
  12. Instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over 360 pairs. That way I only have to do a wash once a year.
  13. What’s so great about a mom and pop store? Let me tell you something, if my mom and pop ran a store, I wouldn’t shop there.
  14. You’re giving me the ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ routine? I invented ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ Nobody tells me it’s them, not me. If it’s anybody, it’s me.
  15. [To Jerry]: Would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That’s all I’m askin’. This woman thinks I’m very funny and now you’re gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I’m gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn’t seem so funny.
Saily eSIM

George Costanza as the Marine Biologist:

If you’re a fan of Seinfeld and George Costanza in particular, you’ll enjoy looking back at the Marine Biologist sketch. Truly one of the funniest moments, and it remains funny to this day.

It’s funnier if you remember that, beforehand, Kramer had the bright idea that it would be fun to practise his golf strokes by whacking golf balls into the ocean.

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You did? I hope so anyway.

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25 amusing quotes about getting old to tickle you

10/08/2025 by
25 AMUSING QUOTES ABOUT GETTING OLD TO TICKLE YOU

Today I’ve curated some amusing quotes about getting old.

There are worse things than getting old. Not getting old, just being one of them. Nevertheless, being old is a tough gig. Like an old car, everything starts to wear out, and it all seems to happen at once. That’s life, unfortunately, and we have to get used to it.

The trick is to remain stupid and cheerful, and that way you’ll experience less stress. You can try smart and angry if you prefer, but I think you’ll find it doesn’t help improve anything.

One great way to remain cheerful is to read something amusing each day.

Which is why, today, I am offering you 25 amusing quotes about getting old to make you smile. Indeed, they all made me smile.

If you’re old, I’m sure some of them will resonate with you. If you’re not old, then enjoy your youth while you can. The years will pass in the blink of an eye.

Whatever your age, remember, you’ll never be as young again as you are today. And you’ll never have today again, either. So, you might as well enjoy it.

AMUSING QUOTES ABOUT GETTING OLD
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Amusing quotes about getting old:

  1. Looking 50 is great if you’re 60. ~Joan Rivers
  2. Age is a high price to pay for maturity. ~Tom Stoppard
  3. No man is ever old enough to know better. ~Holbrook Jackson
  4. Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician. ~Author Unknown
  5. When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick. ~George Burns
  6. A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams. ~John Barrymore
  7. You’re only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. ~Ogden Nash
  8. Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative. ~Maurice Chevalier
  9. You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.” ~Jerry Seinfeld
  10. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. ~Author Unknown
  11. Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. ~George Burns
  12. A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘“At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” ~Claude Pepper
  13. You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. ~Bob Hope
  14. He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money upfront. ~George Burns
  15. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. ~Billy Crystal
  16. True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. ~Kurt Vonnegut
  17. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward. ~John Mortimer
  18. You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. ~Woody Allen
  19. As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. ~Sir Norman Wisdom
  20. I don’t do alcohol anymore. I can get the same effect just by standing up fast. ~Author Unknown
  21. None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm. ~Henry David Thoreau
  22. Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed, and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look, and pulled down the shade. ~Joan Rivers 
  23. Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. ~Larry Lorenzoni
  24. It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens. ~Woody Allen
  25. If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself. ~Author Unknown

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