25 amusing quotes about getting old to tickle you

10/08/2025 by
25 AMUSING QUOTES ABOUT GETTING OLD TO TICKLE YOU

Today I’ve curated some amusing quotes about getting old.

There are worse things than getting old. Not getting old, just being one of them. Nevertheless, being old is a tough gig. Like an old car, everything starts to wear out, and it all seems to happen at once. That’s life, unfortunately, and we have to get used to it.

The trick is to remain stupid and cheerful, and that way you’ll experience less stress. You can try smart and angry if you prefer, but I think you’ll find it doesn’t help improve anything.

One great way to remain cheerful is to read something amusing each day.

Which is why, today, I am offering you 25 amusing quotes about getting old to make you smile. Indeed, they all made me smile.

If you’re old, I’m sure some of them will resonate with you. If you’re not old, then enjoy your youth while you can. The years will pass in the blink of an eye.

Whatever your age, remember, you’ll never be as young again as you are today. And you’ll never have today again, either. So, you might as well enjoy it.

AMUSING QUOTES ABOUT GETTING OLD
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Amusing quotes about getting old:

  1. Looking 50 is great if you’re 60. ~Joan Rivers
  2. Age is a high price to pay for maturity. ~Tom Stoppard
  3. No man is ever old enough to know better. ~Holbrook Jackson
  4. Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician. ~Author Unknown
  5. When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick. ~George Burns
  6. A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams. ~John Barrymore
  7. You’re only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. ~Ogden Nash
  8. Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative. ~Maurice Chevalier
  9. You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.” ~Jerry Seinfeld
  10. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. ~Author Unknown
  11. Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. ~George Burns
  12. A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘“At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” ~Claude Pepper
  13. You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. ~Bob Hope
  14. He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money upfront. ~George Burns
  15. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. ~Billy Crystal
  16. True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. ~Kurt Vonnegut
  17. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward. ~John Mortimer
  18. You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. ~Woody Allen
  19. As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. ~Sir Norman Wisdom
  20. I don’t do alcohol anymore. I can get the same effect just by standing up fast. ~Author Unknown
  21. None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm. ~Henry David Thoreau
  22. Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed, and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look, and pulled down the shade. ~Joan Rivers 
  23. Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. ~Larry Lorenzoni
  24. It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens. ~Woody Allen
  25. If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself. ~Author Unknown

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Tommy Cooper One-liners: 35 that’ll make you smile

09/29/2025 by

If you enjoy Tommy Cooper one-liners, I’ve curated 35 for you to enjoy today.

For readers unfamiliar with him, Tommy Cooper was a legendary British entertainer hugely popular on television in Britain in the 1960s and 1970s.

Thomas Frederick Cooper was a Welsh prop comedian and magician. As an entertainer, his appearance was large and lumbering at 6 feet 4 inches (1.93 m), and he habitually wore a trademark red fez hat when performing.

As a magician, his tricks would often take an unexpected turn for comedic effect. That said, he was a skilled conjurer and a member of the Magic Circle.

Sadly, Tommy Cooper is no longer with us but his humour lives on and there are plenty of old videos on YouTube showing him performing in his heyday. They are well worth checking out if you have the time.

In the meantime, here are some samples of his unique humour.

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Tommy Cooper One-liners

I went into a French restaurant and asked the waiter, “Have you got frog’s legs?” He said, “Yes.” So, I said, “Well, hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich!”

I had a dream last night; I was eating a ten-pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

I said, “Seriously, doctor, I have broken my arm in several places.” He said, “Well, you shouldn’t go to those places.”

I’m on a whisky diet, I’ve lost 3 weeks already!

Here’s a little trick I picked up. I don’t know who dropped it

I got complimented on my parking the other day. There was a ticket on my windscreen saying parking fine.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

I never had much luck. I had a rocking horse and that died.

Two elephants fell off a cliff… BOOM, BOOM!

A guy stopped me last night. He said, “Have you seen a policeman round here?” I said ”No.” He said, ”Well, stick ‘em up!”

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

I was cleaning the loft out with the missus the other day. Dirty, filthy and full of cobwebs, but she’s good with the kids.

A woman called her husband and said, “The carburettor is full of water.” “Where’s the car?” the man said. “In the river,” she replied.

I got into this taxi, and I said to the driver, “King Arthur’s Close.” And the driver said, “Don’t worry Tommy, I’ll shake him off at the first corner.”

I call my car flattery. It gets me nowhere.

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.

I hurt my arm. I went to the doctor to get it mended. Afterwards, I asked the doctor if, when it was mended, I could play the piano. He said, “Yes.” I said, “That’s funny; I couldn’t play it before.”

I said, “Waiter, what’s that in my soup?” He said, “I’d better call the boss, I can’t tell one insect from another.”

Just before the show, the producer took me to one side. And left me there. He said, “How do you feel tonight?” I said, “A bit funny.” He said, “Well, get out there before it wears off.”

A policeman stopped me the other night. He taps on the window of the car and says: “Would you please blow into this bag, sir.” I said: “What for, Officer?” He said, “My chips are too hot.”

Did you hear that joke about the fire-eater? She hiccupped and cremated herself.

I met this man at the airport, and I asked him if he`d like to share a taxi with me. He said he would. I said, “You take the engine, I’ll take the wheels!”

I went to the bank today. I said, “Could you check my balance?” They pushed me over.

A big white horse walks into a pub. The barman says, “We have a drink named after you.” The horse says, “What? Eric?”

A man goes into a pet shop. He says, “I’d like to buy a wasp, please.” The shopkeeper says, “Sorry, sir, but we don’t sell wasps.” The man says, “But you’ve got one in the window!”

I said to the gym instructor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

A man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says, “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

So, I was getting into my car, and this guy said to me, “Can you give me a lift?” I said, “Sure! You look great; the world’s your oyster; go for it.”

Last week, I went to a seafood disco and pulled a muscle.

I said to the waiter: “This chicken soup contains no chicken.” He said: “And there’s no horse in the horseradish either.”

My wife and I were married in a toilet. It was a marriage of convenience.

Two kids were arrested yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

It’s odd, isn’t it? You stand in the middle of a library and go, “Aaaaagghhhh!!” and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on a plane, and everyone joins in.

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says, “Does this taste funny to you?”

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Did you enjoy Tommy Cooper’s brand of humour?

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Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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33 amusing one-liners that might just make you smile

09/26/2025 by

You might enjoy today’s post if you love witty and amusing one-liners.

There are 33 little gems here that should tickle you, at least a little.

Either that, or they might make you cringe.

Yes, it’s true, a few are corny. Nevertheless, I hope they give you a laugh.

So enjoy them all, and please feel free to pass them on.

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Amusing One-liners (1-11):

  1. As a skill, sign language is quite handy.
  2. We have a chicken-proof lawn. It’s impeccable.
  3. Try running behind a car and you’ll only get exhausted.
  4. If I had a DeLorean, I’d only drive it from time to time.
  5. Elvis, my pet mouse has died. He was caught in a trap.
  6. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
  7. Knowing how to pick locks has opened a lot of doors for me.
  8. I’ve got a pen that writes underwater. It writes other words too.
  9. If towels could tell jokes, would they have a dry sense of humor?
  10. What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.
  11. Live, love and laugh. If that doesn’t work then load, aim and fire.

Amusing One-liners (12-22):

  1. Why was it so hot at the ballpark after the game? All the fans left.
  2. I switched from eating venison to pheasant. It was a game-changer.
  3. The perfect solution for keeping Brownies fresh? Eat them all in one sitting.
  4. My wife would’ve looked for her missing watch but she couldn’t find the time.
  5. The Invisible Man married an invisible woman. Their kids weren’t anything to look at either.
  6. I explained to my carpenter that I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
  7. When I was a kid, I thought Sunday School was where you learned to make ice cream.
  8. I went into a pub and ate a Ploughman’s lunch. The ploughman really wasn’t happy about it.
  9. Replace your chocolate bar with grapefruit as a snack and you can lose 90% of the joy of living.
  10. I arranged for a Russian driver to take me to the airport. His name was Pikkup Andropov.
  11. Police were called to the old folks’ home because an elderly lady was resisting a rest.

Amusing One-liners (23-33):

  1. My friend is so dumb he got fired from the Dollar store because he couldn’t remember the prices.
  2. A man was arrested after falling into a Combine Harvester whilst trying to steal it. He’s now been bailed.
  3. The sweater I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.
  4. My wife said suddenly, “You weren’t listening to me.” And I thought, “That’s a strange way to start a conversation.”
  5. I don’t mind coming to work each day. It’s the eight-hour wait before I can go home that I’m not keen on.
  6. A guy has been stealing shirts at the Shopping Mall in order of size. Apparently, he’s still at large.
  7. My wife’s been telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. She says it’s all about raisin awareness.
  8. There was a time when cosmetic surgery was a taboo subject. Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
  9. I asked the librarian where I could find books on Paranoia. She leaned in towards me and whispered quietly, “They’re right behind you!”
  10. A man walks into a hardware store and picks up a can fly spray. “Is this good for wasps,” he asks. “No, it kills them,” the cashier responded.
  11. Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Whereas married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
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Were these one-liners amusing? Did they make you smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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21 brilliant one-liner quotes that are sharp and witty

09/26/2025 by

Here are 21 brilliant one-liner quotes for you today.

I’m confident that at least some of them will make you smile.

Certainly, they made me smile.

Enjoy them all.

And please feel free to pass them on.

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Brilliant one-liner quotes (1-10):

  1. I did have a handle on life, but it’s broken.
  2. No, I can’t offer you a solution, but I can offer a sarcastic remark.
  3. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.
  4. I don’t like jokes about the unemployed because none of them works.
  5. Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.
  6. Every organisation is perfectly designed to get the results they’re getting.
  7. Do people really practise yoga every day? It sounds like a bit of a stretch to me.
  8. If you think television can insult your intelligence, nothing rubs it in like a computer.
  9. I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.
  10. Letting go of a loved one is hard unless you’re trying to survive a rock-climbing accident.

Brilliant one-liner quotes (11-21):

  1. Have you heard about the new game for Generation Z kids’? It’s called ‘I spy with my little iPhone’.
  2. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  3. Worrying can solve your problems. I know because 99 per cent of the things I worry about never happen.
  4. Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
  5. I was knocked off the donkey I was riding when someone threw a rock at me. I was literally stoned off my ass.
  6. You might be tempted to fight fire with fire, but remember that the fire department prefers to use water.
  7. If you give a man a fish you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you’ve saved yourself a fish, haven’t you?
  8. I’m told money can’t buy me happiness but, surely being miserable in a Mercedes beats being miserable on the bus?
  9. So, what, if the early bird gets the worm? It’s better to be the second mouse and get the cheese. Worm or cheese? No contest!
  10. A ghost walked into a bar and ordered a shot of Jack Daniel’s. The bartender said, ‘I’m sorry buddy but we don’t serve spirits in here.’
  11. If you want proof that light travels faster than sound, you only have to look at people who appear bright until they open their mouths.
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Did any of these brilliant one-liner quotes make you smile, dear reader? I hope so. And if they did, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

Thank you for your support.

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19 Best Homer Simpson quotes that’ll make you smile

09/25/2025 by

Today, I am in search of the best Homer Simpson quotes.

And I think these have got to be 19 of the very best Homer Simpson quotes. I’m confident they’ll raise a smile or two with readers. Homer’s take on life is always witty and very funny.

I love The Simpsons, and, in particular, Homer Simpson’s philosophy on life never fails to get me laughing out loud. So today I thought it would be fun to take a look back at some of his most memorable quotes.

If you are a fan of The Simpsons, I’m sure you will enjoy revisiting Homer’s words of wisdom.

Enjoy them all.

Best Homer Simpson quotes
Image by Alan Nakkash
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Best Homer Simpson quotes:

  1. Trying is the first step toward failure.
  2. Operator! Give me the number for 911!
  3. If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead?
  4. I never apologize. I’m sorry, but that’s the way I am.
  5. Marge, you know it’s rude to talk when my mouth is full.
  6. Stupidity got us into this mess, and stupidity will get us out.
  7. If I could say a few words, I would be a better public speaker.
  8. Kids, just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I’m not listening.
  9. I’ll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
  10. The problem in the world today is communication; too much communication.
  11. It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
  12. I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.
  13. If God didn’t want me to eat chicken in church, then he would have made gluttony a sin.
  14. I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
  15. Volunteering is for suckers. Did you know that volunteers don’t even get paid for the stuff they do?
  16. Weaseling out of things is important to learn; it’s what separates us from the animals; except the weasel.
  17. Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate, and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves.
  18. Marge, try to understand. There are two types of college students, jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time.
  19. I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

Please share this post with your friends:

Do you agree that these are some of the best Homer Simpson quotes?

You do? I hope so anyway.

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Thank you.

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21 Del Boy quotes for fans of Only Fools and Horses

09/23/2025 by

Fans of the British television sitcom Only Fools and Horses really do love its lead character, the irrepressible Derek ‘Del Boy’ Trotter, played by the brilliant actor David Jason. So today I’ve put together a series of some memorable Del Boy quotes that I’m confident fans will love.

If you’re not familiar with the sitcom Only Fools and Horses, I can recommend the many clips you’ll find on YouTube. They’re all very funny.

So take a look at them all when you can, but not before you’ve taken a few minutes to enjoy all these memorable Del Boy quotes first. If you’re a loyal fan, you’ll love them all, I’m sure.

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Del Boy Quotes:

  1. You plonker, Rodney!
  2. Lovely jubbly!
  3. He who dares wins!
  4. You know it makes sense.
  5. I’m a black belt in origami.
  6. This time next year we’ll be millionaires!
  7. They’re yuppies. They don’t speak proper English like what we do.
  8. Rodney, everything between you and I is split straight down the middle: 60-40.
  9. It’s a well-known fact that 90 per cent of all foreign tourists come from abroad.
  10. You can’t trust the Old Bill, can ya? Look at that time they planted six gas cookers in my bedroom.
  11. You’ve always been the same, even at school. Nothing but books, learning, education. That’s why you’re no good at snooker.
  12. As Macbeth said to Hamlet in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, ‘We’ve been done up like a couple of kippers.’
  13. Asking a Trotter if he knows anything about chandeliers is like asking Mr Kipling if he knows anything about cakes.
  14. Not only have you managed to sink every battleship and aircraft carrier that you’ve ever sailed on, but now you’ve gone and knackered a gravy boat.
  15. There’s no point in running away. Running away only wears out your shoes.
  16. She used to say, ‘It’s better to know you’ve lost than not to know you’ve won.’ Dear old Mum, she used to say some bloody stupid things.
  17. One of my most favourites meals is Duck à l’Orange, but I don’t know how to say that in French.
  18. If you had been in charge of The Last Supper it would have been a takeaway.
  19. I got a Persian rug with more food on it than a menu.
  20. It’s the toughest chicken I’ve ever known. It’s asked me for a fight in the car park twice.
  21. No chance of this happening with Rodney, is there? World War Three! This plonker can’t even get Channel Three!

Del Boy Quotes French:

Fans of this series will know that some of Del Boy’s most memorable quotes are his attempts to display his mastery of the French language. Needless to say, he had no mastery of French, but his attempts at it were very funny.

So here are six of Del Boy’s best French phrases with a note on what he actually meant when he used them:-

  1. Pot Pourri! (By which Del Boy meant: ‘I don’t believe it!’)
  2. Au contraire! (By which Del Boy meant: ‘Hang on a minute!)
  3. Bain-marie! (By which Del Boy meant: ‘No problem!)
  4. Bonnet de douche! (By which Del Boy meant: Excellent!)
  5. Chateauneuf du Pape! (By which Del Boy meant: ‘It’s all gone crazy!’)
  6. Creme de la Menthe! (By which Del Boy meant: ‘The very best.’)

Honourable Mentions:

Whilst this post was intended to pay tribute to Del Boy and his many memorable lines in the show, I think it would be remiss of me not to include some honourable mentions of classic lines from other characters.

So here are three that make me smile every time I hear them:-

  1. He died a couple of years before I was born. ~Colin ‘Trigger’ Ball talking about his father.
  2. We might go out, get to know each other a bit, you know. Might like each other, then who knows? In time maybe she might do some ironing for me. ~Denzil Tulser talking about a potential date.
  3. Derek, will you get it into your thick skull, I’m not trying to meet intelligent and sensitive people, I’m happy with you. ~Raquel Turner, in reference to Del Boy’s jealous nature.
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So please share this post now. If you can do that for me then I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience and that will be your good deed for the day.

Thank you.

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23 amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld to brighten your day

09/20/2025 by
23 amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

Today I’ve put together some amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld.

Most readers will know that Jerry Seinfeld is an American comedian and is probably best known as the star of the successful US sitcom Seinfeld, in which he played a semi-fictionalized version of himself.

Much more than this, Jerry Seinfeld is a hugely successful actor, writer, producer, and director.

As a stand-up comedian, he specializes in observational comedy, which I love, and I would rate him as one of the best comedians of all time.

So take a moment or two to enjoy all of these amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld, and if you like them, then please pass them on.

QUOTES BY JERRY SEINFELD
Photo by Alan Light
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Amusing quotes by Jerry Seinfeld:

  1. There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
  2. People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
  3. Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
  4. The IRS! They’re like the Mafia. They can take anything they want!
  5. My theory is that 98 per cent of all human endeavour is killing time.
  6. I don’t want to hear the specials. If they’re so special, put ’em on the menu.
  7. To me, if life boils down to one thing, it’s movement. To live is to keep moving.
  8. Make no mistake about why these babies are here. They’re here to replace us.
  9. That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.
  10. My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.
  11. You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That’s how you know you’re still alive.
  12. A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
  13. You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’ 
  14. It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
  15. Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not colour, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.
  16. Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
  17. The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‘Bye!’
  18. Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
  19. Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That’s when you know the most, you’ve seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy.
  20. We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.
  21. I am so busy doing nothing that the idea of doing anything, which as you know always leads to something, cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
  22. There’s very little advice in men’s magazines because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, ‘I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.’ 
  23. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. 

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50 amusing quotes about cars to make you smile

06/24/2025 by

Learning to drive is one of the most useful skills we learn. Driving is freedom, and what’s not to like about that? I love my car and the freedom it gives me. So, with that in mind, I thought it might be fun to explore some amusing quotes about cars and driving.

Naturally, there are plenty of quotes to choose from. I’ve curated 50 little gems for you today, dear reader. They’re all classified as “Author Unknown,” but that doesn’t mean they’re not memorable or fun.

I’m confident you’ll enjoy them all.

So, grab a coffee and take a few moments to see what others think of cars and driving, and then see if you can come up with a memorable quote of your own.

AMUSING QUOTES ABOUT CARS
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Amusing quotes about cars (1-10):

  1. Parking is such sweet sorrow.
  2. Happiness is a long drive and an old song.
  3. Honking is the car’s way of saying ‘I have feelings too!’
  4. The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.
  5. Driving a stick shift makes you feel like a wizard, or maybe just old.
  6. My car and I have so much in common. We both scream for no reason.
  7. Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a Lamborghini and that’s close.
  8. My car’s GPS has an ‘avoid potholes’ feature. It directs me to stay at home.
  9. A pedestrian is someone who thought there were a couple of gallons still left in the tank.
  10. Parallel parking is a skill many achieve, but few master. For the rest, there’s hope and parking lots.

Amusing quotes about cars (11-20):

  1. Life is too short for boring cars.
  2. My dream car is one that runs on laughter.
  3. Racing is the art of turning money into noise.
  4. Friends come and go, but a good mechanic is forever.
  5. Cars are like kids. If they’re making a noise, something’s probably wrong.
  6. I named my car ‘Stress’ because it’s always breaking down at traffic lights.
  7. When you drive as fast as I do, cholesterol is not something you worry about.
  8. Car love is true love. Why else would you talk sweetly to it when it won’t start?
  9. I don’t need to go to therapy. I just need to cruise the open road with my best buddy.
  10. Always drive like someone’s watching. Because they probably are, they’re called ‘traffic cameras.’

Amusing quotes about cars (21-30):

  1. Why did the car sit down? It was too tired!
  2. Cars and coffee are my two favourite ‘C’ words.
  3. If you think I’m cute now, wait until you see my Maserati.
  4. Couples who travel together, fight over directions together.
  5. Most of my money goes on my car and the rest I just waste.
  6. You know you’re an adult when joyriding involves doing errands.
  7. Traffic jams are just nature’s way of making sure you listen to your entire playlist.
  8. If you’ve never driven your car on the edge, then you’ve never really driven your car.
  9. You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy an old 1965 Ford Mustang and lovingly restore it.
  10. Duct tape is like the force: it has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds everything in the universe together, especially my car.

Amusing quotes about cars (31-40):

  1. A clean car is a sign of a sick mind.
  2. If my car could talk, it would probably just complain.
  3. Love is sharing your playlist with someone on a long drive.
  4. Car sickness is when you get sick of making car payments.
  5. The closest thing I’ve got to a sports car is a speeding ticket.
  6. Ecstasy is a long drive along a coastal road with some great music playing.
  7. If cars had feelings, traffic would just be a prolonged group therapy session.
  8. Some refer to it as road rage. I prefer to call it aggressive car communication.
  9. I treat my car like I treat my pets: I talk to it, pamper it, and sometimes yell when it doesn’t listen.
  10. My car sometimes feels like a hotel room. Not because it’s luxurious, but because I leave a mess in it.

Amusing quotes about cars (41-50):

  1. You can’t be sad while driving a sports car.
  2. Some days, my car is the only thing that listens to me.
  3. We have traffic signals because cars need time-outs too.
  4. Cars were invented as a faster way of fleeing from commitment.
  5. If your car could read your thoughts, it’d probably need therapy.
  6. If my car was a person, we’d probably argue over who’s more tired.
  7. You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy cars, so that’ll do for now.
  8. Horsepower is how fast you hit the wall. Torque is how far you take the wall with you.
  9. When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather, not screaming like the passengers in his taxi.
  10. I have two moods: 1. Constantly checking my fuel gauge. 2. Living on the edge with the fuel warning light on.
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Wit & Wisdom: 40 Amusing Quotes by Famous People

06/13/2025 by

If you’re seeking amusing quotes by famous people, then look at this collection of wit and wisdom that I’ve curated for you today, dear reader.

Whether it’s a hearty chuckle you seek or a spark of genius, I’ve got you covered.

This handpicked treasure trove of quotes from some of history’s most brilliant minds is just for you.

So, illuminate your day, impress your friends, and enjoy these timeless gems.

If amusement is what you’re after, read on.

AMUSING QUOTES BY FAMOUS PEOPLE
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Amusing quotes by famous people (1-10):

  1. The road to hell is paved with adverbs. ~Stephen King
  2. I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ~W.C. Fields
  3. You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club. ~Jack London
  4. I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. ~Mark Twain
  5. Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. ~Oscar Wilde
  6. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ~Stephen Wright
  7. Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead. ~Charles Bukowski
  8. Never trust anyone who has not brought a book with them. ~Lemony Snicket (Daniel Handler)
  9. Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. ~Groucho Marx
  10. I have nothing to declare except my genius. ~Oscar Wilde (upon arriving at U.S. customs)

Amusing quotes by famous people (11-20):

  1. If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you. ~Billy Wilder
  2. You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. ~Bob Hope
  3. Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise, they won’t come to yours. ~Yogi Berra
  4. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. ~Oscar Wilde
  5. Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately, it kills all its pupils. ~Louis Hector Berlioz
  6. There is no surer way to misread any document than to read it literally. ~G.K. Chesterton
  7. Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. ~Benjamin Franklin
  8. I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer. ~Douglas Adams
  9. To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. ~Oscar Wilde
  10. I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. ~Woody Allen
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Amusing quotes by famous people (21-30):

  1. I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. ~Steven Wright
  2. Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes. ~Jim Carrey
  3. If it’s the Psychic Network, why do they need a phone number? ~Robin Williams
  4. I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re sceptical. ~Arthur C. Clarke
  5. The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. ~Tom Clancy
  6. I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. ~Douglas Adams
  7. Never put off until tomorrow what may be done the day after tomorrow just as well. ~Mark Twain
  8. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. ~Sir Winston Churchill
  9. When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’. ~John D. MacDonald
  10. It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains. ~Seth Grahame-Smith, “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” (parodying Jane Austen)

Amusing quotes by famous people (31-40):

  1. I’m too drunk to taste this chicken. ~Colonel Sanders
  2. I can resist everything except temptation. ~Oscar Wilde
  3. Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? ~Robin Williams
  4. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. ~Mae West 
  5. I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. ~David Lee Roth
  6. I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception. ~Groucho Marx
  7. Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position. ~Christopher Marlowe
  8. I’d rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort. ~Jean Paul Getty
  9. If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. ~Dorothy Parker
  10. I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job. ~Samuel Goldwyn
40 Amusing Quotes by Famous People
40 Amusing Quotes by Famous People
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If any of these amusing quotes by famous people made you smile, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. Please share this post now.

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51 Funny footballer quotes for soccer fans everywhere

06/11/2025 by
51 Funny footballer quotes

How do you refer to it, football or soccer? The beautiful game is well known by both names worldwide. And wherever you go, players can say some silly things at times. So I thought it might be interesting to curate some funny footballer quotes, or, if you prefer, funny soccer quotes.

Whether you prefer to call it football or soccer, one thing is true: the players and people associated with the game can say some of the funniest things at times.

Over the years, players, managers, coaches, commentators, and pundits have all come up with some memorable quotes and one-liners, some intentional, others inadvertent. Either way, they’re always amusing.

So, here are 51 funny footballer quotes. Enjoy them all, and then please share them with others.

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Funny footballer quotes (1 – 25):

  1. I love these players with two feet. ~Michael Owen
  2. They were numerically outnumbered. ~Garry Birtles
  3. He’s got a lot of self-belief in himself. ~Graham Beecroft
  4. To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch. ~Ruud Gullit
  5. I’ve been consistent in patches this season. ~Theo Walcott
  6. Apparently, it’s my fault that the Titanic sank. ~Ian Holloway
  7. I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel. ~Stuart Pearce
  8. And with 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0. ~Ian Darke
  9. I’d like to play for an Italian club like Barcelona. ~Mark Draper
  10. Winning doesn’t really matter, as long as you win. ~Vinny Jones
  11. Reading won’t have the confidence to be confident. ~Paul Merson
  12. When you’re 4-0 up you should never lose 7-1. ~Lawrie McMenemy
  13. That would’ve been a goal had it gone inside the post. ~Michael Owen
  14. Some people cannot see a priest on a mountain of sugar. ~Rafa Benitez
  15. If there’s a bit of rain about it makes the surface wet. ~ Michael Owen
  16. Wilkins sends an inch-perfect pass to no one in particular. ~Byron Butler
  17. I couldn’t settle in Italy. It was like living in a foreign country. ~Ian Rush
  18. The Germans only have one player under 22, and he’s 23. ~Kevin Keegan
  19. If we played like this every week, we wouldn’t be so inconsistent. ~Bryan Robson
  20. Chile have three options. They could win, or they could lose. ~Kevin Keegan
  21. That is a fantastic penalty, but he will be gutted it went wide. ~Michael Owen
  22. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but I wasn’t on that particular job. ~Brian Clough
  23. If Rojo wasn’t left-footed, he’d have used his right for that one. ~Michael Owen
  24. Never go for a 50-50 ball unless you’re 80-20 sure of winning it. ~Ian Darke
  25. Oh, he had an eternity to play that ball, but he took too long about it. ~Martin Tyler
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Funny footballer quotes (26 – 51):

  1. Blackburn have got two strikers on and they’re both playing upfront. ~Michael Owen
  2. We didn’t underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought. ~Sir Bobby Robson
  3. For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip. ~John Motson
  4. Diego Maradona – a flawed genius who has now become a genius who is flawed. ~Bob Wilson
  5. They’re the second-best team in the world, and there’s no higher praise than that. ~Kevin Keegan
  6. We must have had 99 percent of the game. It was the other three percent that cost us the match. ~Ruud Gullit
  7. If God had wanted us to play football in the clouds, he’s have put grass up there. ~Brian Clough
  8. I know what’s around the corner. I just don’t know where the corner is. ~Kevin Keegan
  9. I’m out at the moment, but should you be the chairman of Barcelona, AC Milan, or Real Madrid, I’ll get straight back to you. The rest can wait. ~Joe Kinnear
  10. I wouldn’t say I was the best manager in the world. But I was in the top one. ~Brian Clough
  11. I never comment on referees, and I’m not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat. ~Ron Atkinson
  12. It’s definitely hit Defoe’s hand as it’s gone in, but it’s not a handball for me. ~Michael Owen
  13. What a shot! That’s completely unstoppable, but the keeper’s got to do better for me. ~Michael Owen
  14. I’ve had 14 bookings this season, eight of which were my fault, but seven of which were disputable. ~Paul Gascoigne
  15. If we start counting our chickens before they hatch, they won’t lay any eggs in the basket. ~Sir Bobby Robson
  16. I’d been ill and hardly trained for a week, and I’d been out of the team for three weeks before that. So I wasn’t sharp. I got cramp before half-time as well. But I’m not one to make excuses. ~Clinton Morrison
  17. Djimi Traore had to adapt to the English game, and he did that by going out on loan to Lens last season. ~ Ian Rush
  18. I spent a lot of money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered. ~George Best
  19. My parents have been there for me ever since I was about seven. ~David Beckham
  20. Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match. ~Ian Wright
  21. What will you do when you leave football, Jack? Will you stay in football? ~Stuart Hall
  22. I always used to put my right boot on first, and then, obviously, my right sock. ~Barry Venison
  23. I am a firm believer that if you score one goal, the other team have to score two to win. ~Howard Wilkinson
  24. If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again. ~Terry Venables
  25. I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don’t know into what religion yet. ~David Beckham
  26. We had a good team on paper. Unfortunately, the game was played on grass. ~Brian Clough
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