60 we were so poor jokes that’ll make you smile

01/16/2026 by

Every parent likes to tell their children stories about how tough life was in their youth. You kids today have a life filled with fancy vacations and designer clothes, but it was tougher for us, they’ll say. So, here are 60 amusing “we were so poor jokes” about the imagined realities of growing up in days gone by, when people were flat-out broke. People looking back with a slightly romanticised notion of yesteryear.

Get ready to smile at the sheer ingenuity of those who came from humble beginnings.

And feel free to pass on these little gems.

We were so poor jokes (1-10):

We were so poor, we couldn’t afford to dream.

We were so poor, our Christmas tree was a twig.

We were so poor we had to reuse birthday candles.

We were so poor, we couldn’t even afford to get lost.

We were so poor, we couldn’t afford to pay attention.

We were so poor even our pet dog only had three legs.

We were so poor our rainbows were in black and white.

We were so poor we used to wash our clothes in the rain.

We were so poor our TV only had two channels: on and off.

We were so poor we even had to eat our toenail clippings.

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We were so poor jokes (11-20):

We were so poor a brush was something you had with the law.

We were so poor a burner was a cell phone used for nefarious activities.

We were so poor that anything was legal, as long as you didn’t get caught.

We were so poor a window was an opportunity to steal when no one was home.

We were so poor an iron was a metal bar you’d use to defend what little you had.

We were so poor a comb meant a police search of our house looking for illicit contraband.

We were so poor a ring was something that had to deal with the consequences of a bad diet.

We were so poor a tie was an item used to secure something valuable to prevent it being stolen.

We were so poor and hungry that even the termites were too terrified to come to our house lest they be eaten.

We were so poor a handle was something you had on a subject you needed to know a lot about, like what you can get away with if you were careful.

We were so poor jokes (21-30):

We were so poor we had to use both sides of the toilet paper.

We were so poor our allowance was paid in Monopoly money.

We were so poor we had to share a bed with our neighbours.

We were so poor we had to use the cat as a hot water bottle.

We were so poor even the tooth fairy left us discount coupons.

We were so poor we couldn’t afford to turn the page in a book.

We were so poor our family vacation was a trip to our backyard.

We were so poor even the holes in our shoes had holes in them.

We were so poor we had to use the phone book as a booster seat.

We were so poor we couldn’t even afford a cardboard box to live in.

Phil Sutton

We were so poor jokes (31-40):

We were so poor that we only got to eat fast food if we caught a rabbit.

We were so poor our family portrait was a matchstick figure drawing.

We were so poor, we could only afford to listen to Simon or Garfunkel.

We were so poor a treat was going to KFC to lick other people’s fingers.

We were so poor my parents used to cut coupons for birthday presents.

We were so poor the only time I ever flew on a plane was in my dreams.

We were so poor we had to eat breakfast cereal with a fork to save the milk.

We were so poor making a fashion statement was wearing mismatched socks.

We were so poor entertainment was watching our neighbours mow their lawn.

We were so poor a runner was something you did when you couldn’t pay the bill.

We were so poor jokes (41-50):

We were so poor we didn’t have cups we had to drink out of a rolled up newspaper.

We were so poor we lived in a house so small, I had to go outside to change my mind.

We were so poor our idea of entertainment was watching food rotate in the microwave.

We were so poor for Christmas we got a box of rocks with the instruction, “Be creative!“

We were so poor our idea of a comfortable bed was finding a carpeted floor to sleep on.

We were so poor getting away in the summer was going for a long walk in the local park.

We were so poor our idea of a designer handbag was a grocery bag with a Walmart logo.

We were so poor we didn’t have a doorbell, visitors to our house just had to yell “Ding Dong!”

We were so poor I had to wear my sister’s hand-me-downs, and she was a year younger than me.

We were so poor our idea of dining in a fancy restaurant was a trip to McDonalds, but only on payday.

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We were so poor jokes (51-60):

We were so poor a fork was something you found in the road.

We were so poor we had to save the gas from our farts and sell it as lighter fuel.

We were so poor the nearest we ever got to a jacuzzi was eating a plate of beans before taking a bath.

We were so poor our family motto was “Use it up, wear it out, make do, or go without.” Mostly the last one.

We were so poor Santa used to leave us a note saying, “Due to economic difficulties, presents are on backorder.”

We were so poor our experience of fireworks displays was watching our neighbours light theirs through a hole in the fence.

We were so poor I used to think double date meant convincing another friend to come along so we could split the cost of the pizza.

We were so poor my parents insisted anything I wanted had to be paid for with chores. So, if I wanted dinner I had to wash the car.

We were so poor the only time we went to an amusement park was on a school trip where the highlight was the free water fountain.

We were so poor my parents would talk loudly on our porch about the gangsters they knew in the hope that it would scare away the repoman.

Please share this post with your friends:

Did any of these we were so poor jokes make you smile, dear reader? I hope so. And if they did, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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30 funny dating profile examples or how not to write one

01/16/2026 by

Today, I have been collecting funny dating profile examples for your amusement, dear reader.

In days gone by, the dating game was simple. You went to a dance on a Saturday night, and, with a bit of luck, you met someone nice who was willing to see you again.

Obviously, the modern dating scene is very different. The age of the dating app makes the process difficult, insofar as you don’t get to meet someone unless they like what they see and what you have to say in your profile.

So you need a flattering photo, naturally, as well as a good sales pitch. And it really needs to be a sales pitch because you are actually trying to sell yourself to any potential dates who are checking out your profile.

A good sales pitch should highlight your unique selling proposition and the reasons why you’re a worthy date. Your words should be positive and scream:

I’m a great catch, so grab me while I’m still available.

In short, your words should be a call to action.

Any decent salesperson could tell you this, so there’s nothing unique in what I’m saying here. You’d think it was obvious, wouldn’t you?

Following a close inspection of a few dating apps, though, I can tell you that there are plenty of people out there who haven’t done themselves any favours with their profiles.

However, whilst such people don’t necessarily do themselves any favours with their profiles, their words have the potential to make us all laugh.

So here are 30 funny dating profile examples that really made me smile.

These are from real apps, albeit I wonder whether some were written tongue-in-cheek.

funny dating profile examples
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Funny dating profile examples (1-15):

  1. Miserable soul looking for love.
  2. Recovering alcoholic seeking soul mate.
  3. My life’s a car crash; can you make it better?
  4. I’ve just got the all-clear, so I’m ready for love again.
  5. Manic depressive looking for a nice girl to cheer him up.
  6. If you’ve got a fetish for body odour then I’m your man.
  7. I hate men but could you be the one to change my mind?
  8. So far, I’ve had 60 lovers at college, will you be my 61st?
  9. Looking for someone to pay my bills and take care of me.
  10. If you’ll be my meal ticket I’ll be your pampered princess.
  11. My relationships never work out but I’m willing to try again.
  12. Angry bitch looking for that special one to make his life hell.
  13. Don’t think of me as bald, think hairstyle that says minimalism.
  14. If you can handle a drama Queen then I could be the one for you.
  15. Served my sentence for assault and battery. Now looking for love.

Funny dating profile examples (16-30):

  1. If you’ll cook, clean and do my ironing then you’re the girl for me.
  2. I enjoy long walks and candlelit dinners and someone to pay the bill.
  3. Bad teeth, bad breath, body odour and acne but otherwise a great catch.
  4. Had my fun and I’ve got three kids to prove it. So what can you offer me?
  5. If you’re looking for a fixer-upper then I could be the challenge you need.
  6. As long as I always get my own way in every situation, I can be flexible.
  7. I hate everyone, so why should I like you? You’ll need a good story to tell.
  8. If you’re looking for a bird with a lot of troublesome baggage, then I’m your girl.
  9. My mother will always be my first priority but if that works for a girl like you, swipe right.
  10. If you’re looking for someone considerate, kind and caring then you’d better swipe left.
  11. I’ve got all the looks, charm and intelligence anyone could possibly want and I’m modest too.
  12. With three kids and one on the way, I’m looking for a father for them. Could you be the one?
  13. I can be difficult, jealous, sarcastic and moody. Could you be the one to make me happy?
  14. You could be my downtime, my spare time, my part-time, and my sometime. Someone I turn to when I’ve nothing better to do.
  15. Bald man with no job, no money, no prospects and living with his parents is looking for a good woman with her own house and car. Could you be the one?
Phil Sutton

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Please share this post now.

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22 Murrayisms to make Murray Walker fans smile

01/07/2026 by

If you’re wondering what Murrayisms are, then perhaps you’re not familiar with the late, legendary Formula One commentator Murray Walker.

Murrayisms were amusing and often factually incorrect quips that Murray Walker would say as he got carried away by his own enthusiasm and excitement during an F1 race.

For motorsport fans everywhere, they added to the entertainment and endeared Murray to their hearts. His enthusiasm was genuinely infectious, and the fans loved him for it.

Graeme Murray Walker OBE was a British motorsport commentator, journalist, and former advertising executive. He provided television commentary of live Formula One racing in a broadcasting career spanning over 50 years. His way with words helped to earn him his status as a national treasure in Britain.

So here are 22 Murrayisms for your pleasure and entertainment. Enjoy them all.

MURRAYISMS
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Murrayisms (1 – 11):

  1. And now, excuse me while I interrupt myself.
  2. Either the car is stationary, or it’s on the move.
  3. With half the race gone, there’s half the race still to go.
  4. There’s nothing wrong with the car except that it’s on fire.
  5. Anything can happen in Grand Prix racing, and it usually does.
  6. You might think that’s cricket, and it’s not; it’s motor racing.
  7. That’s history. I say history because it happened in the past.
  8. I can’t believe what’s happening visually, in front of my eyes.
  9. He can’t decide whether to leave his visor half open or half closed.
  10. The lead car is unique, except for the one behind it, which is identical.
  11. If is a very long word in Formula One. In fact, IF is F1 spelt backwards.
Phil Sutton

Murrayisms (11 – 22):

  1. And that just shows you how important the car is in Formula One racing.
  2. Motor racing can never be totally safe, and it never should be, in my opinion.
  3. I should imagine that the conditions in the cockpit are totally unimaginable.
  4. I’ve no idea what Eddie Irvine’s orders are, but he’s following them superlatively well.
  5. I don’t make mistakes. I make prophecies which immediately turn out to be wrong.
  6. This circuit is interesting because it has inclines and declines. Not just up, but down as well.
  7. Well, now we have exactly the same situation as at the beginning of the race, only exactly opposite.
  8. Schumacher wouldn’t have let him past voluntarily. Of course, he did it voluntarily, but he had to do it.
  9. There are seven winners of the Monaco Grand Prix on the starting line today, and four of them are Michael Schumacher.
  10. Eight minutes past the hour here in Belgium, and presumably eight minutes past the hour everywhere in the world.
  11. Now he must not go the wrong way round the circuit, and unless he can spin himself stationary through 360 degrees, I fail to see how he can avoid doing so.
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20 classic Elaine Benes quotes that’ll make you smile

12/16/2025 by

Another offering in my series with the theme of memorable sitcom characters, today, I thought it would be entertaining to take a look back at some classic Elaine Benes quotes.

Who can forget this brilliant character from the American sitcom Seinfeld, played by the hugely talented Julia Louis-Dreyfus?

Elaine was a woman holding her own in a man’s world. She was smart and funny, and she brought a sparkle to the show. However, like all memorable sitcom characters, she was essentially a little flawed too, as you’ll appreciate from the quotes today.

If you love Seinfeld, I’m sure you will be a fan of Elaine Benes.

However, if you’re not old enough to remember Seinfeld and Elaine Benes, in particular, then you’ll find plenty of amusing clips from this sitcom, and featuring the character Elaine Benes, on YouTube.

They’re all brilliant and definitely well worth a little piece of your time.

So check them out, but not before you’ve enjoyed these 20 classic Elaine Benes quotes, which I’m confident will raise a smile or two and will probably resonate with many female readers, too, I’m sure.

Elaine Benes Quotes
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Elaine Benes Quotes:

  1. I’m dead now. Gotta go! ~ Elaine Benes
  2. I’m not a lesbian! I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian. ~ Elaine Benes
  3. Some people should just give up. I have. ~ Elaine Benes
  4. I once broke up with someone for not offering me pie. ~ Elaine Benes
  5. We just tease someone ’til they develop an eating disorder. ~ Elaine Benes
  6. I had to take a sick day. I’m so sick of these people. ~ Elaine Benes
  7. He’s a wonderful guy, but I hate his guts. ~ Elaine Benes
  8. Well, that’s the positive thing about getting sick, you get to lose weight. ~ Elaine Benes
  9. I think this is the same one I gave him. He recycled this gift. He’s a re-gifter! ~ Elaine Benes
  10. You know that just admitting a man is handsome doesn’t necessarily make you a homos*xual. ~ Elaine Benes
  11. I can’t do this anymore, it’s too long! Just tell your stupid story about the stupid desert and just die already! Die! ~ Elaine Benes
  12. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t break up nicely. I mean, to me, that’s one of the most important parts of a relationship. ~ Elaine Benes
  13. You know, men can sit through the most boring movie if there’s even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off. ~ Elaine Benes
  14. Here’s to those who wish us well, and those who don’t can go to Hell. ~ Elaine Benes
  15. I mean the problem is that the good ones know they’re good. And they know they’re in such demand they’re just not interested in confining themselves to one person. ~ Elaine Benes
  16. That’s the bra I gave her, she’s wearing it as a top! The woman is walking around in broad daylight with nothing but a bra on. She’s a menace to society. ~ Elaine Benes
  17. Kramer, you don’t understand. He made the last contact between us. I had the upper hand in the post-breakup relationship. If he thinks that I said hi, then I lose the upper hand. ~ Elaine Benes
  18. You know, your whole life, you go through painstaking efforts to hide your nipple, and then BOOM, suddenly hundreds of people get their own personal shot of it. ~ Elaine Benes
  19. Yeah, since she met him, she’s been vomited on, her family cabin’s been burned down, she learned her father’s a homos*xual, and she got fired from a high-paying network job. Yeah, they had a real good thing going. ~ Elaine Benes
  20. This whole s*x thing is totally overrated. Now, here’s the one thing you’ve gotta be ready for is how the man changes into a completely different person five seconds after it’s over. I mean, something happens to their personality; it’s really quite astounding. It’s like they committed a crime, and they want to flee the scene before the police get there. ~ Elaine Benes
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Did you find these classic Elaine Benes quotes amusing, dear reader?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If you enjoyed them, please share this post with your friends on social media because when you share, everyone wins.

So please share this post now. If you can do that for me, then I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience, and that will be your good deed for the day.

Thank you.

Phil Sutton
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15 George Costanza quotes that’ll make you smile

12/06/2025 by

Today, dear reader, I thought you might appreciate some amusing George Costanza quotes.

There have been some wonderful characters in sitcoms over the years, and one of the very best, in my opinion, was that lovable loser George Costanza from the US sitcom Seinfeld, played by the excellent Jason Alexander.

George Costanza had a brilliant turn of phrase, and his cup was always half-empty. If anyone had drawn the short straw in life, it was George. However, he gave us so many laughs, and for that, we should all be very grateful.

So take a couple of minutes, relax, and enjoy all these quotes by George Costanza.

George Costanza quotes
Photo by Alan Light
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George Costanza Quotes:

  1. I don’t trust men in capes.
  2. If she can’t find me, she can’t break up with me.
  3. Jerry, just remember it’s not a lie if you believe it.
  4. You know, I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.
  5. When you look annoyed all the time, people think that you’re busy.
  6. If you can’t say something bad about a relationship, you shouldn’t say anything at all.
  7. The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.
  8. Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.
  9. I don’t think I’ve ever been to an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.
  10. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, and my grandfather was a quitter. I was raised to fail.
  11. You should’ve seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.
  12. Instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over 360 pairs. That way I only have to do a wash once a year.
  13. What’s so great about a mom and pop store? Let me tell you something, if my mom and pop ran a store, I wouldn’t shop there.
  14. You’re giving me the ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ routine? I invented ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ Nobody tells me it’s them, not me. If it’s anybody, it’s me.
  15. [To Jerry]: Would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That’s all I’m askin’. This woman thinks I’m very funny and now you’re gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I’m gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn’t seem so funny.
Saily eSIM

George Costanza as the Marine Biologist:

If you’re a fan of Seinfeld and George Costanza in particular, you’ll enjoy looking back at the Marine Biologist sketch. Truly one of the funniest moments, and it remains funny to this day.

It’s funnier if you remember that, beforehand, Kramer had the bright idea that it would be fun to practise his golf strokes by whacking golf balls into the ocean.

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Did you find any of these George Costanza quotes amusing, dear reader?

You did? I hope so anyway.

If you enjoyed them, please share this post with your friends on social media, because when you share, everyone wins.

So please share this post now. If you can do that for me, then I’ll be ever so grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience, and that will be your good deed for the day.

Thank you.

DISCLAIMER: Post contains affiliate links; no additional charge to you; commissions support the cost of maintaining this website. I appreciate your support. Thank you.

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25 amusing quotes about getting old to tickle you

10/08/2025 by
25 AMUSING QUOTES ABOUT GETTING OLD TO TICKLE YOU

Today I’ve curated some amusing quotes about getting old.

There are worse things than getting old. Not getting old, just being one of them. Nevertheless, being old is a tough gig. Like an old car, everything starts to wear out, and it all seems to happen at once. That’s life, unfortunately, and we have to get used to it.

The trick is to remain stupid and cheerful, and that way you’ll experience less stress. You can try smart and angry if you prefer, but I think you’ll find it doesn’t help improve anything.

One great way to remain cheerful is to read something amusing each day.

Which is why, today, I am offering you 25 amusing quotes about getting old to make you smile. Indeed, they all made me smile.

If you’re old, I’m sure some of them will resonate with you. If you’re not old, then enjoy your youth while you can. The years will pass in the blink of an eye.

Whatever your age, remember, you’ll never be as young again as you are today. And you’ll never have today again, either. So, you might as well enjoy it.

AMUSING QUOTES ABOUT GETTING OLD
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Amusing quotes about getting old:

  1. Looking 50 is great if you’re 60. ~Joan Rivers
  2. Age is a high price to pay for maturity. ~Tom Stoppard
  3. No man is ever old enough to know better. ~Holbrook Jackson
  4. Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician. ~Author Unknown
  5. When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick. ~George Burns
  6. A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams. ~John Barrymore
  7. You’re only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. ~Ogden Nash
  8. Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative. ~Maurice Chevalier
  9. You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.” ~Jerry Seinfeld
  10. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. ~Author Unknown
  11. Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. ~George Burns
  12. A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘“At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” ~Claude Pepper
  13. You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. ~Bob Hope
  14. He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money upfront. ~George Burns
  15. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. ~Billy Crystal
  16. True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. ~Kurt Vonnegut
  17. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward. ~John Mortimer
  18. You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. ~Woody Allen
  19. As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. ~Sir Norman Wisdom
  20. I don’t do alcohol anymore. I can get the same effect just by standing up fast. ~Author Unknown
  21. None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm. ~Henry David Thoreau
  22. Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed, and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look, and pulled down the shade. ~Joan Rivers 
  23. Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. ~Larry Lorenzoni
  24. It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens. ~Woody Allen
  25. If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself. ~Author Unknown

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When you share, everyone wins.

So go on, please share this post now, and you’ll be making an old blogger very happy.

Thank you for being so supportive.

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Tommy Cooper One-liners: 35 that’ll make you smile

09/29/2025 by

If you enjoy Tommy Cooper one-liners, I’ve curated 35 for you to enjoy today.

For readers unfamiliar with him, Tommy Cooper was a legendary British entertainer hugely popular on television in Britain in the 1960s and 1970s.

Thomas Frederick Cooper was a Welsh prop comedian and magician. As an entertainer, his appearance was large and lumbering at 6 feet 4 inches (1.93 m), and he habitually wore a trademark red fez hat when performing.

As a magician, his tricks would often take an unexpected turn for comedic effect. That said, he was a skilled conjurer and a member of the Magic Circle.

Sadly, Tommy Cooper is no longer with us but his humour lives on and there are plenty of old videos on YouTube showing him performing in his heyday. They are well worth checking out if you have the time.

In the meantime, here are some samples of his unique humour.

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Tommy Cooper One-liners

I went into a French restaurant and asked the waiter, “Have you got frog’s legs?” He said, “Yes.” So, I said, “Well, hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich!”

I had a dream last night; I was eating a ten-pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

I said, “Seriously, doctor, I have broken my arm in several places.” He said, “Well, you shouldn’t go to those places.”

I’m on a whisky diet, I’ve lost 3 weeks already!

Here’s a little trick I picked up. I don’t know who dropped it

I got complimented on my parking the other day. There was a ticket on my windscreen saying parking fine.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

I never had much luck. I had a rocking horse and that died.

Two elephants fell off a cliff… BOOM, BOOM!

A guy stopped me last night. He said, “Have you seen a policeman round here?” I said ”No.” He said, ”Well, stick ‘em up!”

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

I was cleaning the loft out with the missus the other day. Dirty, filthy and full of cobwebs, but she’s good with the kids.

A woman called her husband and said, “The carburettor is full of water.” “Where’s the car?” the man said. “In the river,” she replied.

I got into this taxi, and I said to the driver, “King Arthur’s Close.” And the driver said, “Don’t worry Tommy, I’ll shake him off at the first corner.”

I call my car flattery. It gets me nowhere.

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.

I hurt my arm. I went to the doctor to get it mended. Afterwards, I asked the doctor if, when it was mended, I could play the piano. He said, “Yes.” I said, “That’s funny; I couldn’t play it before.”

I said, “Waiter, what’s that in my soup?” He said, “I’d better call the boss, I can’t tell one insect from another.”

Just before the show, the producer took me to one side. And left me there. He said, “How do you feel tonight?” I said, “A bit funny.” He said, “Well, get out there before it wears off.”

A policeman stopped me the other night. He taps on the window of the car and says: “Would you please blow into this bag, sir.” I said: “What for, Officer?” He said, “My chips are too hot.”

Did you hear that joke about the fire-eater? She hiccupped and cremated herself.

I met this man at the airport, and I asked him if he`d like to share a taxi with me. He said he would. I said, “You take the engine, I’ll take the wheels!”

I went to the bank today. I said, “Could you check my balance?” They pushed me over.

A big white horse walks into a pub. The barman says, “We have a drink named after you.” The horse says, “What? Eric?”

A man goes into a pet shop. He says, “I’d like to buy a wasp, please.” The shopkeeper says, “Sorry, sir, but we don’t sell wasps.” The man says, “But you’ve got one in the window!”

I said to the gym instructor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

A man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says, “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

So, I was getting into my car, and this guy said to me, “Can you give me a lift?” I said, “Sure! You look great; the world’s your oyster; go for it.”

Last week, I went to a seafood disco and pulled a muscle.

I said to the waiter: “This chicken soup contains no chicken.” He said: “And there’s no horse in the horseradish either.”

My wife and I were married in a toilet. It was a marriage of convenience.

Two kids were arrested yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

It’s odd, isn’t it? You stand in the middle of a library and go, “Aaaaagghhhh!!” and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on a plane, and everyone joins in.

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says, “Does this taste funny to you?”

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33 amusing one-liners that might just make you smile

09/26/2025 by

You might enjoy today’s post if you love witty and amusing one-liners.

There are 33 little gems here that should tickle you, at least a little.

Either that, or they might make you cringe.

Yes, it’s true, a few are corny. Nevertheless, I hope they give you a laugh.

So enjoy them all, and please feel free to pass them on.

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Amusing One-liners (1-11):

  1. As a skill, sign language is quite handy.
  2. We have a chicken-proof lawn. It’s impeccable.
  3. Try running behind a car and you’ll only get exhausted.
  4. If I had a DeLorean, I’d only drive it from time to time.
  5. Elvis, my pet mouse has died. He was caught in a trap.
  6. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
  7. Knowing how to pick locks has opened a lot of doors for me.
  8. I’ve got a pen that writes underwater. It writes other words too.
  9. If towels could tell jokes, would they have a dry sense of humor?
  10. What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.
  11. Live, love and laugh. If that doesn’t work then load, aim and fire.

Amusing One-liners (12-22):

  1. Why was it so hot at the ballpark after the game? All the fans left.
  2. I switched from eating venison to pheasant. It was a game-changer.
  3. The perfect solution for keeping Brownies fresh? Eat them all in one sitting.
  4. My wife would’ve looked for her missing watch but she couldn’t find the time.
  5. The Invisible Man married an invisible woman. Their kids weren’t anything to look at either.
  6. I explained to my carpenter that I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
  7. When I was a kid, I thought Sunday School was where you learned to make ice cream.
  8. I went into a pub and ate a Ploughman’s lunch. The ploughman really wasn’t happy about it.
  9. Replace your chocolate bar with grapefruit as a snack and you can lose 90% of the joy of living.
  10. I arranged for a Russian driver to take me to the airport. His name was Pikkup Andropov.
  11. Police were called to the old folks’ home because an elderly lady was resisting a rest.

Amusing One-liners (23-33):

  1. My friend is so dumb he got fired from the Dollar store because he couldn’t remember the prices.
  2. A man was arrested after falling into a Combine Harvester whilst trying to steal it. He’s now been bailed.
  3. The sweater I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.
  4. My wife said suddenly, “You weren’t listening to me.” And I thought, “That’s a strange way to start a conversation.”
  5. I don’t mind coming to work each day. It’s the eight-hour wait before I can go home that I’m not keen on.
  6. A guy has been stealing shirts at the Shopping Mall in order of size. Apparently, he’s still at large.
  7. My wife’s been telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. She says it’s all about raisin awareness.
  8. There was a time when cosmetic surgery was a taboo subject. Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
  9. I asked the librarian where I could find books on Paranoia. She leaned in towards me and whispered quietly, “They’re right behind you!”
  10. A man walks into a hardware store and picks up a can fly spray. “Is this good for wasps,” he asks. “No, it kills them,” the cashier responded.
  11. Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Whereas married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
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Were these one-liners amusing? Did they make you smile? If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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21 brilliant one-liner quotes that are sharp and witty

09/26/2025 by

Here are 21 brilliant one-liner quotes for you today.

I’m confident that at least some of them will make you smile.

Certainly, they made me smile.

Enjoy them all.

And please feel free to pass them on.

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Brilliant one-liner quotes (1-10):

  1. I did have a handle on life, but it’s broken.
  2. No, I can’t offer you a solution, but I can offer a sarcastic remark.
  3. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.
  4. I don’t like jokes about the unemployed because none of them works.
  5. Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.
  6. Every organisation is perfectly designed to get the results they’re getting.
  7. Do people really practise yoga every day? It sounds like a bit of a stretch to me.
  8. If you think television can insult your intelligence, nothing rubs it in like a computer.
  9. I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.
  10. Letting go of a loved one is hard unless you’re trying to survive a rock-climbing accident.

Brilliant one-liner quotes (11-21):

  1. Have you heard about the new game for Generation Z kids’? It’s called ‘I spy with my little iPhone’.
  2. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  3. Worrying can solve your problems. I know because 99 per cent of the things I worry about never happen.
  4. Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
  5. I was knocked off the donkey I was riding when someone threw a rock at me. I was literally stoned off my ass.
  6. You might be tempted to fight fire with fire, but remember that the fire department prefers to use water.
  7. If you give a man a fish you’ll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you’ve saved yourself a fish, haven’t you?
  8. I’m told money can’t buy me happiness but, surely being miserable in a Mercedes beats being miserable on the bus?
  9. So, what, if the early bird gets the worm? It’s better to be the second mouse and get the cheese. Worm or cheese? No contest!
  10. A ghost walked into a bar and ordered a shot of Jack Daniel’s. The bartender said, ‘I’m sorry buddy but we don’t serve spirits in here.’
  11. If you want proof that light travels faster than sound, you only have to look at people who appear bright until they open their mouths.
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Did any of these brilliant one-liner quotes make you smile, dear reader? I hope so. And if they did, please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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Thank you for your support.

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19 Best Homer Simpson quotes that’ll make you smile

09/25/2025 by

Today, I am in search of the best Homer Simpson quotes.

And I think these have got to be 19 of the very best Homer Simpson quotes. I’m confident they’ll raise a smile or two with readers. Homer’s take on life is always witty and very funny.

I love The Simpsons, and, in particular, Homer Simpson’s philosophy on life never fails to get me laughing out loud. So today I thought it would be fun to take a look back at some of his most memorable quotes.

If you are a fan of The Simpsons, I’m sure you will enjoy revisiting Homer’s words of wisdom.

Enjoy them all.

Best Homer Simpson quotes
Image by Alan Nakkash
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Best Homer Simpson quotes:

  1. Trying is the first step toward failure.
  2. Operator! Give me the number for 911!
  3. If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead?
  4. I never apologize. I’m sorry, but that’s the way I am.
  5. Marge, you know it’s rude to talk when my mouth is full.
  6. Stupidity got us into this mess, and stupidity will get us out.
  7. If I could say a few words, I would be a better public speaker.
  8. Kids, just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I’m not listening.
  9. I’ll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
  10. The problem in the world today is communication; too much communication.
  11. It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
  12. I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.
  13. If God didn’t want me to eat chicken in church, then he would have made gluttony a sin.
  14. I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
  15. Volunteering is for suckers. Did you know that volunteers don’t even get paid for the stuff they do?
  16. Weaseling out of things is important to learn; it’s what separates us from the animals; except the weasel.
  17. Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate, and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves.
  18. Marge, try to understand. There are two types of college students, jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time.
  19. I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

Please share this post with your friends:

Do you agree that these are some of the best Homer Simpson quotes?

You do? I hope so anyway.

If you enjoyed them, please share this post with your friends on social media, as sharing is a win for everyone.

So please share this post now. If you can do that for me, I’ll be forever grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience, and that will be your good deed for the day.

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