Funniest One-liners: 66 silly jokes to tickle you

12/20/2023 by

FUNNIEST ONE-LINERSIf you’re looking for a laugh, here is a collection of silly jokes, corny puns, and some of the funniest one-liners you will read today.

Yes, they’re all a bit corny, but I’m confident many of them will tickle you too.

So, take a few moments to enjoy them all.

And don’t forget that everyone needs a little laughter in their lives.

So, please pass them on.

Thank you, dear reader.

Funniest one-liners (1-22):

  1. Add insult to injury; sign someone’s cast.
  2. You mustn’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.
  3. 6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.
  4. If you need help building an ark, I Noah guy.
  5. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  6. One exotic bird can’t make a pun but toucan.
  7. Just when you think you’ve got a good life, it’s broken.
  8. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
  9. I’m suffering from schizophrenia, but I’m good people.
  10. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s on my list.
  11. I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
  12. What do dogs do when watching a DVD? Press paws.
  13. I wanted to be a doctor, but I didn’t have the patients.
  14. I went to a seafood disco, and I ended up pulling a mussel.
  15. Two WiFi engineers got married. The reception was fantastic.
  16. How do scientists freshen their breath? With experi-mints!
  17. My wife’s bakery burned down last night. Her business is toast.
  18. What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner!
  19. I bought my gun from a guy called T-Rex. He was a small arms dealer.
  20. I got fired from my job as a set designer. So I left without making a scene.
  21. What’s the easiest way to burn 2,000 calories? You leave a tray of brownies in the oven while you’re taking a nap.
  22. A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres.

Funniest one-liners (23-44):

  1. How do rabbits travel? By hareplanes.
  2. What kind of music do planets like? Neptunes.
  3. How do you count cows? With a cow-culator.
  4. What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships.
  5. When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.
  6. What do cows most like to read? Cattle-logs.
  7. What do lawyers wear to work? Lawsuits.
  8. I was going to tell a pizza joke, but it’s too cheesy.
  9. What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
  10. I’m on a whisky diet, and I’ve lost three days already.
  11. How do you tell if a vampire’s sick? Check if he’s coffin.
  12. How many people are buried in the cemetery? All of them.
  13. What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.
  14. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
  15. The cannibal arrived late for the buffet, so he was given the cold shoulder.
  16. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
  17. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
  18. Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop?
  19. Why did the girl give her pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse.
  20. What makes long division such hard work? All those numerals you have to carry.
  21. I dreamt I was eating a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up my pillow was gone.
  22. Cinderella tried out for the basketball team at high school, but she kept running away from the ball.

66 funniest one-linersFunniest one-liners (45-66):

  1. What do you call a sad cow? A blue moo.
  2. What has a bottom at the top? Your legs.
  3. How can you see flying saucers? Trip up a waiter.
  4. What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality.
  5. Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
  6. What did the cake say to the fork? You want a piece of me?
  7. Who ruled France until he exploded? Napoleon Blownapart.
  8. Why did the bee start talking poetry? It was waxing lyrical.
  9. Why don’t melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
  10. Who went into the tiger’s den and came out alive? The tiger.
  11. How does fast light travel? The same way that slow light travels.
  12. What do you get if you cross a crocodile with a camera? A snapshot.
  13. What’s the longest piece of furniture in the world? A multiplication table.
  14. What do you get if you cross a hula dancer with a boxer? A Hawaiian punch.
  15. What did the waiter say to the skunk? Sorry, I can’t take your odour.
  16. She was only a plumber’s daughter, but she sure gave my heart a wrench.
  17. What’s brown and hairy and wears sunglasses? A coconut on holiday.
  18. What do you get if you cross a compass with a shellfish? A guided mussel.
  19. Why did the robber jump in the bathtub? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
  20. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
  21. What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine? Give me my quarterback.
  22. Why is a room full of married people empty? Because there isn’t a single person in it.

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Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh.

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25 amusing quotes about getting old to tickle you

12/18/2023 by

AMUSING QUOTES ABOUT GETTING OLDThere are worse things than getting old. Not getting old being just one of them. Nevertheless, being old is a tough gig. Like an old car, everything starts to wear out, and it all seems to happen at once. That’s life, unfortunately, and we just have to get used to it.

The trick is to remain stupid and cheerful, and that way you’ll experience less stress. You can try smart and angry if you prefer, but I think you’ll find it doesn’t help improve anything.

One great way to remain cheerful is to read something amusing each day.

So today I offer you 25 amusing quotes about getting old to make you smile. Certainly, they all made me smile.

If you’re old, I’m sure some of them will resonate with you. If you’re not old, then enjoy your youth while you can. The years will pass in the blink of an eye.

Whatever your age, remember, you’ll never be as young again as you are today.  And you’ll never have today again, either. So, you might as well enjoy it.

Amusing quotes about getting old:

  1. Looking 50 is great if you’re 60. ~Joan Rivers
  2. Age is a high price to pay for maturity. ~Tom Stoppard
  3. No man is ever old enough to know better. ~Holbrook Jackson
  4. Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician. ~Author Unknown
  5. When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick. ~George Burns
  6. A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams. ~John Barrymore
  7. You’re only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. ~Ogden Nash
  8. Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative. ~Maurice Chevalier
  9. You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.” ~Jerry Seinfeld
  10. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. ~Author Unknown
  11. Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. ~George Burns
  12. A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘“At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” ~Claude Pepper
  13. You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. ~Bob Hope
  14. He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money upfront. ~George Burns
  15. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. ~Billy Crystal
  16. True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. ~Kurt Vonnegut
  17. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward. ~John Mortimer
  18. You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. ~Woody Allen
  19. As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. ~Sir Norman Wisdom
  20. I don’t do alcohol anymore. I can get the same effect just by standing up fast. ~Author Unknown
  21. None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm. ~Henry David Thoreau
  22. Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed, and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look, and pulled down the shade. ~Joan Rivers 
  23. Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. ~Larry Lorenzoni
  24. It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens. ~Woody Allen
  25. If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself. ~Author Unknown

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Quotes of Wisdom: Here are 30 to motivate and inspire

12/17/2023 by

Dear Reader, Have you been searching for some quotes of wisdom?

Short quotes that you’ll easily remember? Words of wisdom to inspire you to be all you could be?

We all need a little inspiration occasionally, don’t we? Certainly, I do.

Well, here are 30 of the best quotes of wisdom you’re likely to read today.

You’ll love them, so see how many of them you can work into your conversations today.

Quotes of wisdom (1–10):

  1. Do no harm; take no crap.
  2. You’ll get what you tolerate.
  3. Your only limit is your mind.
  4. A wise man once said nothing.
  5. You’re as perfect as the next person.
  6. You grow through what you go through.
  7. Confidence is silent; insecurities are loud.
  8. Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.
  9. Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.
  10. Mindset is what separates the best from the rest.

Quotes of wisdom (11–20):

  1. No response is a response, and it’s a powerful one.
  2. If you don’t define who you are, someone else will.
  3. Pandering to people’s preferences rarely ends well.
  4. Argue with a fool, and you’ll have two fools arguing.
  5. Life lessons will be repeated until they are learned.
  6. Just because it looks genuine doesn’t mean it’s not fake.
  7. If you’re going through hell, walk as if you own the place.
  8. You’ll have my loyalty if I have no reason to question yours.
  9. No is a complete sentence. It doesn’t require an explanation.
  10. People will inspire you or drain you. Choose your friends wisely.

Quotes of wisdom (21–30):

  1. Silencing people is not the same as winning hearts and minds.
  2. It’s the ones who are against you who believe in your power the most.
  3. Sensible people will accept some incredibly silly ideas without question.
  4. It’s not what happens to you; it’s how you react to what happens to you.
  5. We live in an age when everyone knows it’s not true, but few dare to say so.
  6. Just because it’s dismissed as a conspiracy theory doesn’t mean it’s not true.
  7. Fools and fanatics are always so certain, yet wiser people are full of doubts.
  8. You can do 100 things right, but the only thing others will notice is your one mistake.
  9. The question is not whether you have the time, but whether you’re willing to allocate the time.
  10. A first-rate version of yourself is always better than trying to be a second-rate version of someone else.

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15 amusing quotes by Spike Milligan to raise a smile

12/16/2023 by

I love to read amusing quotes by Spike Milligan. He was undoubtedly a man with a funny bone.

In case you’re not familiar with his name, Spike Milligan was a funny, irreverent, and much-loved comedian and staple of British television and radio for many years in the post-war era, right up until he died in 2002.

Terence Alan Milligan was born in India; he was the son of a British Army captain of Irish descent and an English mother.

In addition to being a wonderful comic performer, probably best known for his work with the Goon Show, he was also a successful writer, poet, playwright, and actor.

Though he spent much of his early life in India, the majority of his adult life was spent in the United Kingdom.

However, when the Commonwealth Immigrants Act removed Indian-born Milligan’s automatic right to British citizenship in 1962, despite his service in the British Army and his father’s, he became an Irish citizen, exercising a right conferred through his Irish-born father.

I think he was a genuinely funny man, and to prove it, here are 15 of his razor-sharp quips. Enjoy them all.

Quotes by Spike Milligan:

  1. All men are cremated equal. ~Spike Milligan
  2. All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy. ~Spike Milligan
  3. I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine. ~Spike Milligan
  4. Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs? ~Spike Milligan
  5. Money couldn’t buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy. ~Spike Milligan
  6. I’m a hero with coward’s legs. ~Spike Milligan
  7. How long was I in the army? Five-foot eleven. ~Spike Milligan
  8. I turned and rubbed my hands with glee. I always keep a tin of glee handy. ~Spike Milligan
  9. I’m not afraid of dying, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. ~Spike Milligan
  10. Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. ~Spike Milligan
  11. Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death. ~Spike Milligan
  12. I can speak Esperanto like a native. ~Spike Milligan
  13. A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherd’s Bush. ~Spike Milligan
  14. A family man from Siberia; As a father was very inferior; But one operation; Revised the situation; And now he’s Mother Superior. ~Spike Milligan
  15. And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected. ~Spike Milligan

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21 very funny one-liners that are pure gold

12/14/2023 by

funny one-linersDon’t you just love people who are quick with a joke and are never short of a witty riposte or two when they need it?

I think you have to admire a quick wit.

However, did you know that many so-called quick wits simply memorize a lot of witty stuff and create for themselves a mental ‘quiver full of arrows’ ready for use whenever necessary?

Well, if they can do that, then so can you.

All you need is a little ammunition to get started.

So here are some very funny one-liners to get you going. See how many of them you can work into your day.

They all made me smile, and I hope they brighten your day too. So give yourself a break for a few minutes and enjoy today’s smiles.

Funny one-liners:

  1. If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving’s not for you.
  2. Wear short sleeves! Support the right to bare arms!
  3. How come we never see the headline, “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
  4. 42.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  5. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  6. Borrow money from a pessimist; they don’t expect it back.
  7. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  8. Don’t drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
  9. Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
  10. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
  11. Get a new car for your spouse; it’ll be a great trade!
  12. It is as bad as you think, and they are out to get you
  13. Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
  14. Support bacteria; they’re the only culture some people have.
  15. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
  16. There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
  17. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  18. What is a free gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
  19. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  20. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
  21. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

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If any of these funny one-liners made you smile, then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face, and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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15 classic quotes by William Shakespeare to inspire you

12/11/2023 by

Quotes by William ShakespeareI’m sure there won’t be many people who are unfamiliar with the name William Shakespeare. He was, of course, a playwright and one of the giants of English literature.

The Bard of Avon, as he was known, is widely regarded as the world’s preeminent dramatist and the greatest writer in the English language.

Shakespeare’s works, including his collaborations, consist of approximately 39 plays, 154 sonnets, two long narrative poems, and a few other verses, some of uncertain authorship.

William Shakespeare’s plays have been translated into every major living language, and they are performed more often than those of any other playwright.

Quotes by William Shakespeare are well known, and most readers will be familiar with them. However, I make no apology for making Shakespeare’s quotes the subject of today’s post.

If you hear a great song that inspires you, you don’t say, “Right, I’ve heard it once. That’s enough!”

No, you listen to it over and over again. In that way, you’re inspired constantly.

And so it is with thought-provoking quotes like those of Shakespeare.

They are worth reading over and over again to help you reflect on life’s meaning and to be inspired.

So here are 15 quotes by William Shakespeare to inspire you, dear reader.

Quotes by William Shakespeare:

  1. To thine own self be true. ~William Shakespeare
  2. All that glitters is not gold. ~William Shakespeare
  3. Nothing will come of nothing. ~William Shakespeare
  4. Lord, what fools these mortals be! ~William Shakespeare
  5. If music be the food of love play on. ~William Shakespeare
  6. The better part of valour is discretion. ~William Shakespeare
  7. Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown. ~William Shakespeare
  8. The course of true love never did run smooth. ~William Shakespeare
  9. We know what we are, but know not what we may be. ~William Shakespeare
  10. How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child! ~William Shakespeare
  11. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. ~William Shakespeare
  12. Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste death but once. ~William Shakespeare
  13. If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? ~William Shakespeare
  14. The evil that men do lives after them; the good is oft interred with their bones. ~William Shakespeare
  15. All the world‘s a stage, and all the men and women are merely players. They have their exits and entrances, and one man plays many parts in his time. ~William Shakespeare

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Warren Buffett’s Top 10 Rules for Success to Inspire You

12/09/2023 by

Warren Buffett Top 10 Rules for SuccessToday I offer you Warren Buffett’s Top 10 Rules for Success, dear reader.

If you want success, then it would be wise to listen to people who have already achieved some success.

Identify what they did to achieve their success and copy it.

If it worked for them, then it will probably work for you.

Now, there are few people more successful in their chosen field than Warren Buffett.

He offers you his ‘Top 10 Rules for Success’ in the video embedded here, and it’s worth your time to listen to him.

They are his top tips and I recommend them to you.

Warren Buffett’s Top 10 Rules For Success:

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25 thoughtful quotes about politics and power

12/08/2023 by

Quotes-about-politics-and-powerToday, I’ve curated some thoughtful quotes about politics and power.

In doing so, I’m hoping it’ll get you thinking about, and perhaps even participating in, something that rules our lives but isn’t given anywhere near the scrutiny it merits.

Politicians on all sides frequently take us all for fools, and the sad thing is we let them. That must change, surely?

They do what they do because they know that they can get away with it, at least most of the time.

It’s time we all let them know that we’ll not allow them to get away with it anymore.

Politics has become nothing more than show business for people who lack both talent and an engaging personality. And yet, they all seem to get rich without adding any real value to our lives at all.

So, let your local politician know that you’ve got your eye on them and you won’t be putting up with any nonsense.

Quotes about politics and power (1-15):

  1. Don’t vote. It only encourages them. ~Billy Connolly
  2. In politics, stupidity is not a handicap. ~Napoléan Bonaparte
  3. We have, I fear, confused power with greatness. ~Stewart Udall
  4. We have the best Government that money can buy. ~Mark Twain
  5. I love to go to Washington if only to be near my money. ~Bob Hope
  6. We hang petty thieves and appoint great ones to public office. ~Aesop
  7. For the powerful, crimes are those that others commit. ~Noam Chomsky
  8. If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~Jay Leno
  9. A politician is a fellow who’ll lay down your life for his country. ~Texas Guinan
  10. An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last. ~Winston Churchill
  11. A lot has been said about politics; some of it complimentary, but most of it accurate. ~Eric Idle
  12. I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally. ~Bill Maher
  13. Just because you don’t take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you. ~Pericles
  14. Absolute power does not corrupt absolutely, absolute power attracts the corruptible. ~Frank Herbert
  15. The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces. ~Maureen Murphy

Quotes about politics and power (16-25):

  1. Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. ~Douglas Adams
  2. Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson
  3. You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn’t long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena. ~Jon Stewart
  4. Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair. ~George Burns
  5. There are many men of principle in both parties in America, but there is no party of principle. ~Alexis de Tocqueville
  6. Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev
  7. Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~Plato
  8. Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. ~Ronald Reagan
  9. I remember when I first came to Washington. For the first six months, you wonder how the hell you ever got here. For the next six months, you wonder how the hell the rest of them ever got here. ~Harry S Truman
  10. Take our politicians; they’re a bunch of yo-yos. The presidency is now a cross between a popularity contest and a high school debate, with the encyclopedia of clichés the first prize. ~Saul Bellow

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Christmas Poem: Making memories that will last

12/06/2023 by

Christmas PoemToday, I offer you a Christmas poem.

For those who celebrate it, Christmas is a very special time of the year. Not just Christmas Day, but the whole of December is taken up with preparing for the big day and spending time with family and friends.

It is particularly magical if you have young children. They look forward to it, they enjoy all the preparations, and they spend endless hours deciding what they’d like from Santa Claus.

And come Christmas Eve, they are bursting with excitement and anticipation and can barely close their eyes to sleep.

One year, we were away for Christmas, staying with my parents in another city. My son was most concerned about this situation because he thought Santa wouldn’t know where he was and, therefore, he’d miss out on his Christmas gifts.

Well, Santa doesn’t work that way. Young Philip had been good all year, so Santa made sure he found him.

And in the early hours of Christmas morning, a happy little boy was keen to reassure his parents that he’d not been forgotten.

Today’s Christmas poem remembers that Christmas long ago. It’s how the memories we cherish are made.

Christmas Poem:

Christmas Poem

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Philosophical PoemsSo, dear reader, did you enjoy any of these philosophical poems? I hope you did, anyway.

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33 witty one-liners that will really tickle you

12/05/2023 by

WITTY ONE-LINERSWould you like a few witty one-liners to brighten your day, dear reader?

Well, I’ve got an excellent selection for you today.

Once again, I’ve been trawling my journals to assemble a collection of witty one-liners that I’m confident you’ll enjoy.

These have all been collected over time, and I can’t be sure who the originators were, so I can’t provide an acknowledgement on this occasion. However, if you have any ideas, please let me know.

In the meantime, enjoy them all, and please do share them with your friends.

Witty one-liners (1-11):

  1. Bad puns? That’s how eye roll.
  2. My patience has stretch marks.
  3. If you need an ark, I Noah guy.  
  4. Is a Will defined as a dead giveaway?
  5. Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers.
  6. I used to be a banker but I lost interest. 
  7. The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
  8. Geology rocks but geography is where it’s at! 
  9. Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives.
  10. Something about subtraction just doesn’t add up.
  11. How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!

Witty one-liners (12-22):

  1. I make apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow.
  2. I wanted to grow herbs but I couldn’t find the thyme.
  3. Simba was walking too slowly so I told him to Mufasa. 
  4. I used to sell computer parts but then I lost my drive.
  5. The only thing flat-earthers have to fear is sphere itself.
  6. Gravity jokes are getting old but I fall for them every time.
  7. Why couldn’t the chicken find her eggs? She’d mislaid them. 
  8. Do people who climb the world’s highest mountain ever rest?
  9. I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
  10. I tried to make a belt out of watches but it was a waist of time.
  11. If a priest blesses an avocado does it become Holy Guacamole?

Witty one-liners (23-33):

  1. I used to be a transplant surgeon but my heart just wasn’t in it.
  2. Mosquitoes are like family – annoying, but they carry your blood.
  3. England doesn’t have a kidney bank but it does have a Liverpool.
  4. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.
  5. I was going to look for my missing watch but I couldn’t find the time. 
  6. I made a graph of my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
  7. Why was the baseball player a bad sport? He stole third base and then went home!
  8. BREAKING NEWS: Cheese factory explodes in France. Nothing left but de Brie!
  9. Stalin should have known communism wouldn’t work. There were red flags everywhere.
  10. I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare but he chewed it a lot. Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.
  11. Someone sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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Witty One-LinersIf you enjoyed this post, dear reader, then please share it with your friends on social media.

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So go on, please share it now. If you can do that for me, I’ll be forever grateful.

You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience. So that would be your good deed for the day.

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