30 dark sarcasm quotes that’ll make you smile

06/02/2023 by

DARK SARCASM QUOTESWhen you want to suggest a hint of menace then having a few dark sarcasm quotes up your sleeve is always useful.

After all, people need to know that they shouldn’t mess with you.

Sarcasm is a powerful way of getting that message across.

So today I offer you 30 great dark sarcasm quotes and I hope they all entertain you.

Take a few minutes to enjoy them all. I did and I’m confident you will too.

And please, feel free to pass them on.

Dark sarcasm quotes (1-15):

  1. Sarcastic? Me? Well, a little sardonic perhaps.
  2. Surely you must be on stupid pills?
  3. If I’m smiling that alone should scare you.
  4. I’ve had a wonderful evening but this wasn’t it.
  5. Zombies eat brains. So you’ll be quite safe.
  6. Well, aren’t you a little ray of pitch-black?
  7. Keep your head high and your middle finger higher.
  8. Am I joking or am I psychotic? You don’t want to find out.
  9. I really need the one thing you can provide, your absence.
  10. If it looks like I don’t care, that’s because I really don’t.
  11. Am I free this afternoon? No, I’m very expensive.
  12. I don’t treat people badly. I treat people accordingly.
  13. If I cut you off then in all probability you handed me the scissors.
  14. You’re allowed to use your brain you know. It’s not illegal just yet.
  15. I’m a leader, not a follower. Unless it’s dark, then you’re going first.

Dark sarcasm quotes (16-30):

  1. Oh, I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
  2. I feel like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn’t there.
  3. If you can’t say something nice, at least make it clever and devastating.
  4. My level of sarcasm has reached the point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
  5. I don’t like making plans in case they lead to the word ‘premeditated’ being thrown around in a courtroom.
  6. Don’t be a complete prick all your life. Take a few minutes off and give the rest of us a break.
  7. I’m sorry. While you were talking I was struggling to figure out why you think I care.
  8. My life’s been full of disappointments and you’ve just been added to the list.
  9. No, I can’t help you but I can offer you a sarcastic remark.
  10. When I said how stupid can you be it wasn’t meant to be a challenge.
  11. No, I wouldn’t say I’m the best in the world but I’m confident I’m in the Top 1.
  12. You should be careful if you don’t want to be offended. I can speak fluent sarcasm.
  13. It’s one of life’s mysteries but those who whine loudest tend to be those who’ve contributed least. Why is that?
  14. You think you’re street smart but I’m guessing that’s Sesame Street.
  15. Oh, you were talking to me? I’m sorry I thought there was something wrong with you.

dark sarcasm quotesPlease share this post with your friends:

So did enjoy these dark sarcasm quotes dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Thank you for your support.

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29 examples of sarcasm for when you need a witty insult

06/01/2023 by

29 examples of sarcasm for when you need a witty insultExamples of sarcasm for when you need a witty insult don’t always spring readily to mind, do they? Well, not to me anyway.

Have you ever had that experience where someone tests your patience and you only wish you’d had the right witty insult on the tip of your tongue and ready to let them know that you’re not someone who will suffer fools for very long?

It’s always useful to have a stock of sarcastic responses ready to hand for such occasions.

So for today’s post, I offer you 29 examples of sarcasm for when you need a witty insult.

I hope at least one or two of them will also raise a smile with you too.

And of course, I hope these provide you with some ammunition next time you need it.

Sarcasm and witty insults (1-15):

  1. Do I know who you are? Why? Don’t you?
  2. Clearly, wit is a skill you’ve yet to master.
  3. Would it really hurt to smile occasionally?
  4. If your aim was to irritate me then your plan is working so far.
  5. You’re confusing me with someone who cares about what you think?
  6. I’m not sarcastic; I’m just allergic to stupid.
  7. Take your time buddy, it’s not like the rest of us have anything else to do.
  8. That you’ve survived this long without a brain is a miracle of modern science.
  9. Now who might you be and why should it matter to me?
  10. You’re wearing that shirt as part of a ‘get noticed’ strategy, aren’t you?
  11. Oh, you were talking to me? I’m sorry, I thought there was something wrong with you.
  12. Listen, tiger, if you’re trying to impress me, it’ll take more than a vanilla latte with a blueberry muffin on the side.
  13. I’m sure your mother thinks you’re important but guess what? The rest of the world doesn’t agree.
  14. Your disdain for your customers suggests you’d be wise to consider an alternative line of work.
  15. Some people have genuine talent and then there are deluded people like you.

Sarcasm and witty insults (16-29):

  1. I may have had too much to drink, mam, but tomorrow I’ll be sober, and you’ll still be ugly.
  2. $10 for an iced tea with a twist and a little umbrella? I just wanted a drink; I wasn’t trying to purchase the entire bar.
  3. Were you born a pain in the ass or have you had special training?
  4. You’ve got a face on you like you’ve been sucking sour lemons for a week.
  5. If you’re nice to other people, you might find they’ll be a bit more agreeable with you. Try it, the results might surprise you.
  6. Clearly, you’re bereft of talent but I admire your willingness to have a go anyway.
  7. If your aim was to insult me, you’ll need to do a lot better than that buddy.
  8. There’s nothing like exceptional customer service and that was nothing like exceptional customer service.
  9. Regardless of what you seem to think, being polite to people hasn’t gone out of fashion.
  10. Well, we’ve now established that you can be stupid when you want to be. So, what else are you good at?
  11. So, you’ve got a few qualifications. That just means you’re quite good at remembering stuff. So what?
  12. Have you ever thought of getting a personality transplant? Certainly, the one you’ve got now is not helping your cause.
  13. I didn’t say you were overweight but you’re certainly taking bloating to a whole new level.
  14. I wouldn’t say you’re slow as such but you do give the impression that you’re a nickel short of a dime. 

Examples of sarcasm for when you need a witty insultPlease share this post with your friends:

So dear reader did any of these examples of sarcasm for when you need a witty insult actually make you smile? Was this post worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these examples did make you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

Then perhaps you’d like some more smiles? If so, just click on the links below.

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50 funny what’s the difference between jokes

05/28/2023 by

whats the difference between jokesIf you’re looking for some what’s the difference between jokes, dear reader, then I can offer you 50 today that I’m sure will raise a laugh or two.

Give people a laugh and they’ll forget about their worries, at least for a while. That’s my philosophy.

Whether you’re at your local bar trying to break the ice with some new friends or at a family gathering trying to make your notoriously hard-to-impress uncle chuckle, these jokes are sure to be a hit. Well, I think so, anyway.

So, grab a cup of coffee, sit back, and prepare for an onslaught of comedic genius. Well, at the very least, a few groans.

Let’s get this laughter show on the road then, shall we? Brace yourselves, it might just be a wild ride!

What’s the difference between jokes (1-10):

  1. What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.
  2. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a well-dressed man on a tricycle? Attire!
  3. What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes, whack, “Darn!” A bad skydiver goes, “Darn!” whack.
  4. What’s the difference between an elephant and a biscuit? You can’t dunk an elephant in your tea.
  5. What’s the difference between a teacher and a railroad guard? One trains the mind, and the other minds the train.
  6. What’s the difference between a jeweller and a jailer? One sells watches and the other watches cells.
  7. What’s the difference between a Zippo and a hippo? One is heavy, the other is a little lighter.
  8. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more.
  9. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.
  10. What’s the difference between a new wife and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What’s the difference between jokes (11-20):

  1. What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
  2. What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
  3. What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.
  4. What’s the difference between a tick and a politician? One is a blood-sucking parasite, and the other is a tiny insect.
  5. What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter F.
  6. What’s the difference between a thief and a peeping Tom? One snatches your watch, and the other watches your snatch.
  7. What’s the difference between a unicorn and a carrot? One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.
  8. What’s the difference between a comet and a cat? One has a tail that’s blazing, and the other’s tail is for chasing.
  9. What’s the difference between a banker and a vampire? One sucks your blood, and the other your wallet.
  10. What’s the difference between a poker player and a skydiver? One takes a chance when he goes all in, and the other when he jumps all out. 

What’s the difference between jokes (21-30):

  1. What’s the difference between a chef and a dog? One wears pants and the other just pants.
  2. What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke? Timing!
  3. What’s the difference between a frog and a cat? A frog croaks all the time, and a cat only nine times.
  4. What’s the difference between a schoolteacher and a steam train? The teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the train says “Choo Choo!”
  5. What’s the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot’s father? One’s a pop fly and the other’s a fly pop.
  6. What’s the difference between a baseball player and a dirty puppy? One runs home after sliding into base, and the other slides into home after running in the dirt.
  7. What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
  8. What’s the difference between a circus and a brothel? At the circus, you have a cunning array of stunts.
  9. What’s the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
  10. What’s the difference between a fisherman and a lazy student? One baits his hooks, and the other hates his books.

What’s the difference between jokes (31-40):

  1. What’s the difference between a robber and a politician? The robber steals your money and then runs. The politician runs and then steals your money.
  2. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer miles.
  3. What’s the difference between an elephant and a grape? Grapes are purple.
  4. What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can’t hear an enzyme.
  5. What’s the difference between an onion and an accordion? No one sheds a tear when you chop up an accordion.
  6. What’s the difference between a jeweller and a jailer? One sells watches and the other watches cells.
  7. What’s the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist only takes the skin.
  8. What’s the difference between a gambler and a skydiver? A gambler risks going broke, and a skydiver risks going splat.
  9. What’s the difference between a mathematician and an accountant? An accountant would say that 1+1=2. A mathematician would need to prove it.
  10. What’s the difference between a casino and a church? In a casino, you really mean it when you pray.

What’s the difference between jokes (41-50):

  1. What’s the difference between a pun and a dad joke? One just leaves you groaning, and the other leaves you groaning and slightly disappointed.
  2. What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs.
  3. What’s the difference between a computer salesman and a used car salesman? The used car salesman knows when he’s lying.
  4. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech? After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
  5. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a liar? The pronunciation.
  6. What’s the difference between a magician and a politician? One performs tricks and the other just tricks.
  7. What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer doesn’t need a parachute.
  8. What’s the difference between a politician and a snail? One is a slimy pest, and the other is a snail.
  9. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
  10. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear, and the other’s a very good year.

Please share this post:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these what’s the difference between jokes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. So, it’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Just click on the links below.

Alternatively, there’s a lot more than humour on this site. I aim to inform and inspire too. Feel free to look around.

Thank you for your support.

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50 corny but playful Yo Mama jokes

05/27/2023 by

Yo Mama JokesIf you enjoy Yo Mama jokes, then take a look at the 50 I have on offer for you today.

They’re all a bit corny but they’re fun, playful, and light-hearted.

I hope at least a few of them will make you smile.

Enjoy them all and please, feel free to share them with your friends.

Yo Mama Jokes (1-10):

  1. Yo mama’s so old, she babysat Yoda.
  2. Yo mama’s so old, her social security number is 1.
  3. Yo mama’s so slow, she was overtaken by a sloth.
  4. Yo mama’s so fat, she has to buy group insurance.
  5. Yo mama’s so dumb, she lost in a game of solitaire.
  6. Yo mama’s so old, Moses was in her class at school.
  7. Yo mama’s so slow, she’d lose in a race with a snail.
  8. Yo mama’s so slow, she gets overtaken by parked cars.
  9. Yo mama’s so slow, she could be overtaken by a glacier.
  10. Yo mama’s so lazy, she gets tired watching cars pass by.

Yo Mama Jokes (11-20):

  1. Yo mama’s so clumsy, she tripped over a cordless phone.
  2. Yo mama’s so old, she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
  3. Yo mama’s so clumsy, she tripped over a wireless network.
  4. Yo mama’s so old, she used to babysit George Washington.
  5. Yo mama’s so old, her first Christmas was the first Christmas.
  6. Yo mama’s so loud, even the deaf ask her to keep the noise down.
  7. Yo mama’s so forgetful, she forgot she was wearing her sunglasses.
  8. Yo mama’s so old, she knew Burger King when he was only a prince.
  9. Yo mama’s so heavy-handed, she’d break safety glass with a cotton ball.
  10. Yo mama’s so bad at technology, she couldn’t even find the START button on her computer.

Yo Mama Jokes (21-30):

  1. Yo mama’s so old, her high school diploma is on a stone tablet.
  2. Yo mama’s so old, her birth certificate is written in hieroglyphics.
  3. Yo mama’s so bad at math, she can’t even count her own fingers.
  4. Yo mama’s so slow, even a turtle crossed the road faster than her.
  5. Yo mama’s so lazy, even her remote control needs a remote control.
  6. Yo mama’s so bad at gardening, her plants filed for ‘plant protection’.
  7. Yo mama’s so forgetful, she sometimes introduces herself to the mirror.
  8. Yo mama’s so greedy, she tried to download cookies from the internet.
  9. Yo mama’s so confused, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
  10. Yo mama’s so old, she remembers when the Grand Canyon was just a ditch.

Yo Mama Jokes (31-40):

  1. Yo mama’s so dumb, she thinks deja vu is a yoga pose.
  2. Yo mama’s so old, Tyrannosaurus Rex was her first pet.
  3. Yo mama’s so clumsy, she tripped over her own shadow.
  4. Yo mama’s so slow, she was beaten in a race by a statue.
  5. Yo mama’s so dumb, she went to the airport to catch a train.
  6. Yo mama’s so loud, she doesn’t need a phone to make a long-distance call.
  7. Yo mama’s so lacking in a sense of direction, she got lost in her own house.
  8. Yo mama’s so old, she remembers when the Dead Sea was just feeling a little unwell.
  9. Yo mama’s so dumb, she put her phone on airplane mode and couldn’t understand why it wouldn’t fly.
  10. Yo mama knows so little about sports, she brought a spoon to the Super Bowl thinking it was a food-tasting event.

Yo Mama Jokes (41-50):

  1. Yo mama’s so loud, you can hear her thoughts.
  2. Yo mama’s so clumsy, she could slip on sunshine.
  3. Yo mama’s so slow, she came second in a ‘solo race’.
  4. Yo mama’s so bad at cooking, even the trashcan spit it out.
  5. Yo mama’s so stingy, she uses both sides of the toilet paper.
  6. Yo mama’s so dumb, she thought Bluetooth was a dental problem.
  7. Yo mama’s so dumb, if she played hide and seek alone, she’d still lose.
  8. Yo mama’s cooking is so bad, even her dog goes to a neighbour’s house to eat.
  9. Yo mama’s so dumb, she tried to charge her credit card by plugging it into the wall.
  10. Yo mama’s so dumb, she thought an Apple iPhone would count as one of her five-a-day.

Please share this post:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these Yo Mama jokes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

More fun you might enjoy:

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40 witty Deez Nuts jokes that will brighten your day

05/26/2023 by

Deez Nuts JokesLaughter has an incredible way of brightening our day, I am sure you will agree, dear reader. So, what better way to add a little fun to your day than with this batch of deez nuts jokes?

Whether it’s a little pick-me-up you need, a quick giggle, or you simply want some fun you can share with friends, these jokes are sure to crack a smile or two.

Whether you’re a fan of clever wordplay, enjoy the art of the punchline, or love the sheer silliness of these jokes, they are sure to tickle your funny bone.

So, please take a few moments to enjoy the silliness of them all.

And please, feel free to pass them on.

Deez Nuts Jokes (1-10):

  1. What did Deez Nuts say to the psychiatrist? I’m nuts.
  2. What did Deez Nuts say to the pistachio? You’re in a nutshell!
  3. What did Deez Nuts say to the New York cab driver? Nuttin’!
  4. What did Deez Nuts say to the peanut butter? Spread the love!
  5. Why did Deez Nuts become a comedian? He cracked everyone up!
  6. What did Deez Nuts say to the vending machine? Give me my nuts!
  7. What did Deez Nuts say to the walnut? You’re a tough nut to crack.
  8. Why did Deez Nuts become a detective? He was always on the case.
  9. Why did Deez Nuts go to the gym? He wanted to get nut-solutely fit.
  10. Why did Deez Nuts become a chef? He knew how to spice up the nuts.

Deez Nuts Jokes (11-20):

  1. Why did Deez Nuts get a job at the bakery? He kneaded the dough.
  2. What did Deez Nuts say to the acorn? You’re a small but mighty nut!
  3. What did Deez Nuts say to his boss? You’d have to be nuts to work here.
  4. What did Deez Nuts say to the sunflower seed? You’re a bright little nut!
  5. What did Deez Nuts say to the chestnut? You’re the nuttiest of them all!
  6. Why did Deez Nuts start a dance troupe? He had some fancy nut moves.
  7. What did Deez Nuts say to the Bombay mix? You’re great with a drink!
  8. Why did Deez Nuts become a barber? He knew how to give nuts a clean cut.
  9. What did Deez Nuts say to the macadamia? You’re the nut of my dreams!
  10. What did Deez Nuts say to the esthetician? I’d like a back, sack and crack, please.

Deez Nuts Jokes (21-30):

  1. Why did Deez Nuts become a magician? He could make nuts disappear!
  2. Why did Deez Nuts become a teacher? He wanted to educate young nuts.
  3. Why did Deez Nuts become a firefighter? He knew how to handle hot nuts!
  4. Why did Deez Nuts become a lifeguard? He wanted to save drowning nuts.
  5. Why did Deez Nuts become a gardener? He wanted to nurture his nutty side.
  6. What did Deez Nuts say to the walnut butter? You’re the nutty spread I can’t resist!
  7. What did Deez Nuts say to the coconut oil? You’re the nutty secret to healthy skin!
  8. What did Deez Nuts say to the cashew butter? You’re a smooth talker, just like me!
  9. What did Deez Nuts say to the almond butter? You spread happiness, just like me!
  10. Why did Deez Nuts go to the ballet? He wanted to see a nutcracking performance.

Deez Nuts Jokes (31-40):

  1. Why did Deez Nuts become a plumber? He knew how to fix leaky nuts.
  2. Why did Deez Nuts become a mechanic? He knew how to loosen stiff nuts in a jiffy.
  3. Why did Deez Nuts join the police force? He was passionate about cracking cases.
  4. Why did Deez Nuts become a counsellor? He was great at listening and offering nutty advice.
  5. Why did Deez Nuts become a coach? He loved motivating other nuts to reach their full potential.
  6. Why did Deez Nuts become a scientist? He wanted to crack the nutty mysteries of the universe.
  7. Why did Deez Nuts start a comedy club? He loved making everyone laugh with his nutty jokes.
  8. What did Deez Nuts say to the walnut flour? You’re the nutty addition to my baking adventures!
  9. Why did Deez Nuts become a photographer? He had an eye for capturing nutty moments.
  10. What did Deez Nuts say to the coconut flour? You’re the secret ingredient in my nutty recipes!

Please share this post:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these Deez Nuts jokes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share now.

Then perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then just click on the links below.

More fun you might enjoy:

You might like to try these free games too:

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6 short story jokes that will make you laugh

05/23/2023 by

SHORT STORY JOKESIf you enjoy short story jokes then I’ve got six real gems for you today. They all made me laugh and I’m confident that they’ll amuse you too, dear reader.

So, grab a coffee and take a few moments to relax and enjoy them all.

And please, feel free to pass them on to your friends.

Short story jokes:

1. Emily and the Apache Woman

Emily was driving in her Chevrolet Bolt along Interstate 17 in Arizona, on her way home to Phoenix.

Suddenly she saw a poor, elderly Apache woman walking very slowly along the side of the highway.

Recognising that this situation was quite dangerous and feeling sorry for the poor woman, Emily pulled over and offered her a lift.

The Apache woman nodded silently in appreciation and climbed into the car.

Naturally, Emily tried to engage her in conversation but initially, the Apache woman remained silent and she seemed a bit nervous.

However, as they progressed along the highway towards Phoenix the woman eventually started to relax a little and then she started to look around.

The old woman was looking closely at everything in the car, apparently studying every detail. Then she noticed a pale blue gift bag on the rear seat behind Emily.

“What’s in the bag?” she asked Emily, almost whispering.

“Oh,” Emily responded warmly, “it’s a bottle of Whiskey that I got for my husband.”

The Apache woman remained silent momentarily and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of someone who’s been around the block a few times, she smiled and said, “Good trade.”

2. The Naughty Boys

Charlotte had two young boys, Jack and Harry.

Jack and Harry were two young kids who were always getting themselves into trouble. If there was any mischief happening anywhere in their town, then usually Jack and Harry were involved and Charlotte knew this.

Naturally, her boys’ wayward behaviour was a concern for Charlotte and it was an issue she was keen to resolve.

One day Charlotte read an article in the local newspaper about a clergyman in town who’d been very successful in disciplining young boys and improving their behaviour.

So Charlotte phoned the clergyman and asked him if he would speak with her boys.

The clergyman said he was happy to help but he was quick to stress that it was important that he see each of them separately.

So Charlotte decided to send young Harry to see the clergyman in the morning, with his elder brother Jack to follow in the afternoon.

The clergyman was an enormous man with a stern face and a big, booming voice.

He instructed Harry to sit down and then he asked him sternly, “Where is God?“

The clergyman’s approach scared the life out of Harry. His mouth dropped open but fear prevented him from speaking. He just sat there wide-eyed, with his mouth hanging open.

So the clergyman repeated the question but this time with an even sterner tone. “Where is God?” he said.

Again Harry made no attempt to respond. He was too scared.

So this time the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in Harry’s face, bellowing, “WHERE IS GOD?“

That was it for Harry. He jumped up from his chair, screamed and ran out of the room and all the way home. He didn’t stop running until he got to his own bedroom and then he hid in his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When Jack found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened, dude?“

Still gasping for breath, Harry replied, “Dude, we are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think WE did it!“

3. The Test Results

John had been undergoing tests for a serious health concern for several weeks. Finally, it was the day for him to receive his test results.

So he was sitting in his doctor’s office and he said, “Doc, I really need to know my test results! Not knowing is driving me crazy.“

His doctor reviewed his notes again and then said, “Well John, there’s some good news and some bad news I’m afraid. Which one do you want first?”

To which John replied, “I think I’d prefer the good news first. Yeah Doc, let me have the good news first!”

“Well,” said the doctor, “I hear there are some amazing deals on cremations this week.“

4. Deceiving another:

Scooter says to his friend Arlo, “Hey, listen, I need your help. I’m sleeping with Wyatt’s wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after the service for me?“

Arlo doesn’t like deceiving people but, as Scooter’s friend, he feels obliged, and he agrees.

So, after the service, Arlo starts talking to Wyatt, asking him all sorts of dumb questions, to delay him as requested.

This goes on for several minutes until Wyatt starts getting a bit annoyed and he asks Arlo what’s going on.

At this point, Arlo feels guilty, and he confesses to Wyatt, “Scooter is sleeping with your wife right now, and he asked me to keep you occupied.“

Wyatt smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Arlo’s shoulder and says, “Listen, boy, my wife died two years ago. You’d be wise to hurry home right now.”

5. A man and his Ostrich

A guy walks into a New York diner with an ostrich.

They both sit down at the counter and after a few moments, the waitress asks them whether they’re ready to order.

“Yes,” said the guy, “I’ll have the cheeseburger with fries and a Coke.”

He then looks at the ostrich and says, “What are you having?“

“The same,” says the ostrich.

About ten minutes later the waitress returns with their order and then says. “That’ll be $22.00 please.“

The man reaches into his pocket and, without even looking he pulls out the exact amount of money for payment.

The next day, the same guy and his ostrich return and once again the guy says, “I’ll have the cheeseburger with fries and a Coke please.“

And once again the ostrich says, “The same.“

Once again when their order arrives, the guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount of money to settle the bill.

This goes on for a few days and is becoming a routine, when one night they enter the diner and the waitress asks, “The usual?“

“No,” said the guy “as it’s Friday I’ll have the T-bone steak with a baked potato, a green salad and a glass of Merlot.”

“Same for me,” said the ostrich.

The waitress brings the order and then says, “That’ll be $53.00.”

Once again the guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount of money to pay the bill.

At this point, the waitress is unable to suppress her curiosity any longer and she says to the guy, “Excuse me, sir. How is it you always manage to pull from your pocket the exact amount of money? You do it every time.”

“Well,” said the guy, “several years ago I was cleaning my attic and I found an old oil lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and granted me two wishes.”

“Really?” said the waitress. “And what did you wish for?”

“Well my first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the exact amount of money would always be there,” said the guy.

“Now that’s brilliant!” the waitress responded. “Most people would wish for like a million dollars or something but you’ll always be as rich as you need to be for as long as you live!“

“That’s right,” said the guy. “Whether I’m buying a pitcher of beer or a Bugatti Chiron, the exact amount of money will always be there.”

The waitress was clearly impressed but still a little curious.

“So what’s with the ostrich then?” she inquired.

The guy sighs and then says, “Well, my second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.“

The waitress smiled at him and said, “Be careful what you wish for, hey?”

6. The Frog and the Fortune Teller

A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out whether he’ll ever meet his princess.

The fortune-teller looks into her crystal ball for a few moments and then says to the frog, “Well I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?“

“Let me have the good news first,” said the frog.

“Well, you’re going to meet the most beautiful girl in the world,” said the fortune-teller. “She will be interested in you and she will want to know all about you. In fact, she will want you to open up for her and you will give her your heart.“

“That sounds fantastic,” said the frog, “but what’s the bad news then?“

“You’re going to meet her in her Biology class,” replied the fortune-teller.

If you enjoyed these jokes, please share them:

So dear reader, was this post amusing and worth a few minutes of your time?

If any of these short story jokes made you smile then please share them with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share now.

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4 funny jokes to tell your friends and make them smile

05/22/2023 by

FUNNY JOKES TO TELL YOUR FRIENDSFew things in life can beat a good laugh. One thing that is better is making your friends laugh. So if you’re looking for some funny jokes to tell your friends, then today I offer you four of them which I’m confident will raise a smile or two.

So take a few moments to enjoy them and then feel free to on-pass them on to others.

It’s always good to share the smiles.

Funny jokes to tell your friends:

1. The Chapel of Rest:

When I was about seven years old, my father took me to the local funeral parlour, as he wanted to pay his respects to an old work colleague who’d recently died.

This was a man I’d never met but it was important to my father and he thought it would be a good life experience for me to accompany him.

As we waited our turn to view the open casket, I sat quietly in a corner, waiting for the time to pass.

Suddenly, the door to the Chapel of Rest opened and an elderly man I’d never met came out and, as he did so, he smiled at me and said, “Make sure you enjoy your life son. Be happy because it’ll all go by in the blink of an eye. Look at me, I didn’t and now it’s too late.”

With that, the man disappeared through the door onto the street and it was our turn to view the body and pay our respects.

We walked solemnly into the Chapel of Rest and I looked into the open casket.

I was horrified. I couldn’t believe it. The body in the casket was the man who’d just spoken to me.

Well, I was utterly traumatized by the experience. I had nightmares and I was terrified to be alone. I couldn’t sleep without the light on for several years.

It got so bad I had to go for psychotherapy and counselling.

As I got older, gradually I began to cope a bit better, until one day I discovered something that completely changed my life.

I learned that my father’s dead colleague had an identical twin brother.

2. The Driving Test:

Jane arrived home, having just taken her Driving Test for the ninth time.

Naturally, her husband Bill was keen to know how she’d got on this time.

“So honey, how did it go this time?” Bill asked.

“Not good,” Jane responded. “They failed me again.”

“Really?” said Bill, sounding disappointed for her. “What did they pull you up on this time?”

“A rope,” Jane responded, sheepishly.

“A rope?” Bill inquired, looking slightly puzzled.

“Yes, that’s how they got me out,” Jane responded. “The car’s still in the river.”

3. The Infertility Problem:

A farmer went into a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman sitting next to him at the counter said, “Well, how about that? I just ordered champagne, too!”

“What a coincidence,” the farmer responded. “This is a really special day for me, so I’m celebrating!”

“Well, this is a really special day for me too, so I’m celebrating as well,” the woman replied.

“What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses in celebration the farmer asked, “What are you celebrating, mam?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a baby,” said the woman, “and my gynaecologist has just confirmed that I’m pregnant!”

“What a coincidence!” said the farmer. “I’m a chicken farmer and my hens were infertile all last year, but today they are all laying eggs!”

“Wow, that’s great!” said the woman. “So, how did your chickens suddenly become fertile?”

“I used a different cock,” replied the farmer.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass again and said, “What a coincidence!”

4. The Confessional Booth:

Father Murphy was taking confessions when a teenage boy entered the confessional booth.

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” said the youth, “I have been with a girl of loose morals.”

“Is that you, young Jimmy Walsh,” Father Murphy inquired.

“Yes Father, it is,” young Jimmy responded.

“And you, an altar boy! I’m disappointed in you Jimmy,” said Father Murphy. “Who is this young girl?”

“Oh Father, I don’t want to get her a bad reputation,” said Jimmy, defensively.

“Was it Bernadette Kelly?” Father Murphy inquired.

“No Father,” said Jimmy.

“Was it Patricia O’Connor?” Father Murphy continued.

“No Father,” said Jimmy.

“Was it Teresa O’Sullivan?” Father Murphy pressed on.

“Father, I cannot give you her name. It wouldn’t be fair,” said Jimmy.

“Well, I admire your loyalty to this girl Jimmy, but you’ve sinned and if you insist on remaining tight-lipped, then you must accept your penance,” Father Murphy responded.

“And what will that be, Father?” Jimmy asked.

“You’re barred from serving as an altar boy again for three months.” Father Murphy responded, sternly.

Young Jimmy walked back to the pew slowly and as he sat down, his friend Rory whispered, “How did it go?”

“The plan worked like a charm,” Jimmy responded with a smile. “Three months off and three great leads.”

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, did you find these funny jokes to tell your friends as amusing as you’d hoped? Certainly, I hope they all made you laugh.

Perhaps you’d like some more laughs? If so, please click on the links below.

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40 what do you call jokes that are corny but fun

05/21/2023 by

WHAT DO YOU CALL JOKESLooking for some “what do you call jokes,” dear reader?

Those wordplay jokes that are always corny but still make you smile.

I love them, I must say. So, I’ve curated 40 of them just for you.

Why not grab a coffee and then take a few minutes to enjoy them all?

And please feel free to pass them on to your friends and loved ones.

What do you call jokes (1-10):

  • What do you call a dinosaur that’s sleeping?
  • A dino-snore!
  • What do you call a bear with no teeth?
  • A gummy bear!
  • What do you call a cow with no legs?
  • Ground beef!
  • What do you call a fish with no eyes?
  • Fsh!
  • What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?
  • An abdominal snowman!
  • What do you call a pig that knows karate?
  • Pork chop!
  • What do you call a deer with no eyes?
  • No-eye deer!
  • What do you call a fake noodle?
  • An impasta!
  • What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
  • A baboom!
  • What do you call a guy who can’t flip pancakes?
  • A flippin’ failure!

What do you call jokes (11-20):

  • What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
  • A can’t opener!
  • What do you call a bear with no socks on?
  • Barefoot!
  • What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?
  • A maybee!
  • What do you call a snake that tells jokes?
  • Hisssterical!
  • What do you call a computer that sings?
  • A Dell!
  • What do you call a cow that’s just given birth?
  • Decalfinated!
  • What do you call a pile of cats?
  • A meowtain!
  • What do you call a group of musical whales?
  • An orca-stra!
  • What do you call a dog magician?
  • A labracadabrador!
  • What do you call a snowman who’s been sunbathing?
  • A puddle!

What do you call jokes (21-30):

  • what do you call jokesWhat do you call a dinosaur with a knowledge of words?
  • Thesaurus Rex!
  • What do you call a bear with no ear?
  • B!
  • What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
  • A chicken sees-a-salad!
  • What do you call a cat that can play the guitar?
  • Kitty Perry!
  • What do you call a pencil that can tell wordplay jokes?
  • A pun-cil!
  • What do you call a bear that’s caught in the rain?
  • A drizzly bear!
  • What do you call a cat that likes to eat lemons?
  • A sourpuss!
  • What do you call a donkey with a PhD?
  • A smart ass!
  • What do you call a tree with a lot of money?
  • A cashew tree!
  • What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours?
  • Nacho cheese!

What do you call jokes (31-40):

  • What do you call a snobbish criminal going downstairs?
  • A condescending con descending!
  • What do you call a bear that loves to dance?
  • A groovy bear!
  • What do you call a cat that loves bowling?
  • An alley cat!
  • What do you call a happy cowboy?
  • A jolly rancher!
  • What do you call a pile of cats falling over?
  • A catastrophe!
  • What do you call a sheep that doesn’t have any money?
  • Poor ewe!
  • What do you call a cat that plays the piano?
  • A meow-sician!
  • What do you call a tree with a podcast?
  • An audio-branch!
  • What do you call a bird that’s afraid to fly?
  • Chicken!
  • What do you call a group of cows playing in a band?
  • A moo-sical ensemble!

Please share this post with your friends:

So dear reader, was this post worth a few minutes of your time? Did you find any of these what do you call jokes amusing? I hope so.

Perhaps you’d like more laughs? Then please click on the links below.

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25 silly jokes for kids and some adults too

05/19/2023 by

silly jokes for kidsLooking for some silly jokes for kids, dear reader?

Well, if you are a younger reader, I’m confident that you might enjoy a few of these silly jokes on offer today. You might enjoy telling them to your friends too.

Then again, perhaps you’re an adult looking for a few jokes to share with your children. Some of these might just do the trick.

Whatever your age, I hope you enjoy them all.

And if you do enjoy them, please pass them on.

Silly Jokes for Kids:

    • What do you call a surgeon with eight arms?
    • A doctorpus
    • What goes cloppity-clip?
    • A horse walking backwards
    • What’s pointed in one direction and headed in the other?
    • A pin
    • What do you call a bike that keeps biting people?
    • A vicious cycle
    • What do you call a Yeti in a classic British red telephone box?
    • Stuck
    • What do you call a watch in the 25th Century?
    • Future-wrist-tic
    • What do you call a pig in a butcher’s shop?
    • A pork chop
    • What do you call a bee born in May?
    • A maybe
    • What do you call an overweight alien?
    • An extra-cholesterol
    • What do you call it when a chicken sees a salad?
    • Chicken Caesar salad
    • What’s an inkling?
    • A baby fountain pen
    • What’s green and fluffy?
    • A seasick poodle
    • What can you hold without ever touching it?
    • A conversation
    • What do you call a Scottish parrot?
    • A Macaw
    • What do you call an elephant that mutters?
    • A mumbo jumbo
    • What do you call a pickle that draws?
    • A dillustrator
    • What do you call someone who steals pigs?
    • A hamburglar
    • What do you call a tree that fits into your hand?
    • A palm
    • What do you call an old volcano?
    • A blast from the past
    • What’s the best way to stop your food from going off?
    • Eat it
    • What do you call a man who catches bluebottles with a fishing rod?
    • A fly fisherman
    • What lies in the forest, a hundred feet up in the air?
    • A dead centipede
    • What goes up but doesn’t come down?
    • Your age
    • How many sides does a barrel have?
    • Two. Inside and outside
    • How many people are buried in a cemetery?
    • All of them

Please share this post with your friends:

So did these silly jokes for kids prove to be as hilariously funny as you’d hoped dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read, please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

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30 Sarcastic quotes about life lessons to amuse you

05/15/2023 by

SARCASTIC QUOTES ABOUT LIFE LESSONSToday I return to the theme of sarcasm because this theme always results in some positive feedback from readers.

So here are some sarcastic quotes about life lessons many of which I’m sure will resonate with readers.

They made me smile and I hope they make you smile too.

Enjoy them all.

And please, feel free to pass them on.

Sarcastic quotes about life lessons (1-15):

  1. Shhhh …… No one cares.
  2. I may forgive but I never, ever forget.
  3. Apology accepted but trust is denied.
  4. I’ll try to be nicer if you’ll try to be smarter.
  5. Some people are so poor all they have is money.
  6. Don’t take yourself too seriously. No one else does.
  7. There’s no need to repeat yourself, I’m ignoring you.
  8. Let’s share. You take the grenade and I’ll take the pin.
  9. I’m sorry, I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.
  10. Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot; I only exist when you need something.
  11. I’m not heartless. I’ve just learned to use my heart less.
  12. Everything I like is either expensive, illegal or won’t text me back.
  13. I’m sorry for those mean, awful, accurate things I’ve just said.
  14. You can laugh at anything, as long as it’s not happening to you.
  15. An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

Sarcastic quotes about life lessons (16-30):

  1. If I hurt your feelings by calling you stupid, I’m sorry but I thought you knew.
  2. Of course, I can multitask. I can listen, ignore, and forget all at the same time.
  3. Common sense is like deodorant. Those most in need of it are least likely to possess it.
  4. Life’s just like an elevator. On the way up, sometimes you have to stop to let people off.
  5. If you had to pay me a dollar for every smart thing you said, you wouldn’t owe me a cent.
  6. You shouldn’t worry about what I’m doing. You should worry about why you’re worried about what I’m doing.
  7. If someone throws a rock at you, just throw a flower back at them. But make sure it’s still in the pot.
  8. If me living my life my way bothers you then you can always get yourself a life of your own.
  9. No matter who tries to teach you lessons about life, you won’t truly understand them until you have to go through them on your own.
  10. People are either on your side, by your side, or in your way. So choose them wisely.
  11. Never waste your time with people who only want you around when it fits their needs.
  12. I’ve reached the age where my brain’s gone from, “I probably shouldn’t say that” to “What the hell, let’s go for it and see what happens.”
  13. Just when you think you know all the answers, life changes the questions.
  14. It wasn’t an act of revenge. I was simply returning the favour.
  15. There’s a difference between giving up and knowing when you’ve had enough.

Please share this post with your friends:

So did enjoy these sarcastic quotes about life lessons, dear reader?

Perhaps you feel that you could still use a good laugh?

If so. then please click on the links below. You’ll find plenty of smiles to amuse you.

And if you did enjoy what you’ve read then please share this post with your friends on social media. When you share, everyone wins.

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