15 Quotes by Milton Berle that are sharp and funny

02/15/2025 by

Today I thought it would be interesting to explore some of the many amusing quotes by Milton Berle.

Sadly, he’s no longer with us, but Milton Berle was a comedian and actor from the golden age of American television.

He’s generally regarded as the first major American television star, and he was known to millions as Uncle Miltie and Mr Television.

Younger readers probably won’t remember him, or possibly even heard of him, but he was funny and very sharp.

To prove the point, here are 15 quotes by Milton Berle.

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Quotes by Milton Berle

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.

They’ve finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor’s sixth husband. I know what I’m supposed to do, but I don’t know how to make it interesting.

Experience is what you have after you’ve forgotten her name.

Money can’t buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don’t try to run her life, and I don’t try to run mine.

The problem with life is that by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

It’s rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.

A man falls down a flight of stairs, and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!

This man’s wife told him, “For Christmas, surprise me.” On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, “Boo!”

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10 witty quotes about cats that’ll make you smile

12/21/2024 by

Today, I’m exploring some quotes about cats.

Do you like cats, dear reader?

Those enigmatic, elegant creatures that effortlessly capture our hearts and minds. Well, the hearts and minds of many of us, at least.

Delightful, fascinating, and adorable, with their own personalities and a sense of curiosity that has inspired a multitude of interesting quotes that showcase their essential qualities.

Well, if you’re a feline enthusiast, grab a coffee and take a few moments to enjoy this collection of 10 quotes about cats.

From their independence to their playfulness, these words of wisdom reveal the irresistible allure of our little whiskered friends.

Let your inner cat lover rejoice as you explore the captivating world of our feline friends through the eyes of the insightful and the witty.

And if you watch the video, you’ll see some very cute cats that will melt your heart.

So, enjoy this post, and please feel free to share it.

Quotes about Cats: 

  1. Cats rule the world. ~Jim Davis
  2. If cats could talk, they wouldn’t. ~Nan Porter
  3. Cats are connoisseurs of comfort. ~James Herriot
  4. One cat just leads to another. ~Ernest Hemingway
  5. Time spent with cats is never wasted. ~Sigmund Freud
  6. Cats don’t like change without their consent. ~Roger Caras
  7. You cannot look at a sleeping cat and feel tense. ~Jane Pauley
  8. Like all pure creatures, cats are practical. ~William S. Burroughs
  9. As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat. ~Ellen Perry Berkeley
  10. Cats rock. They are smart, cunning, naughty and very loving. ~Fearne Cotton

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30 witty quotes that’ll make anyone smile

11/07/2024 by

Blog posts that include something to make readers smile always get a good response. Witty quotes always get the best response.

So here are 30 razor-sharp witty quotes. I am sure at least a few of them will brighten your day.

This is a collection of witty quotes in response to readers’ requests for a little levity to break up the otherwise gloomy news that seems to have dominated our lives this year.

So go on have a laugh right now and enjoy them all.

Witty Quotes (1-10)

I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it. ~Mae West

When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’. ~Groucho Marx

Never put off till tomorrow what may be done the day after tomorrow just as well. ~Mark Twain

Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. ~Robert A. Heinlein

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability. ~Oscar Wilde

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ~W.C. Fields

My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best. ~Winston S. Churchill

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. ~George Burns

Two wrongs don’t make a right but they do make a good excuse. ~Thomas Szasz

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. ~A.A. Milne

Witty Quotes (11-20)

If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign? ~Laurence J. Peter

If at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. ~W.C. Fields

Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away. ~Paul Terry

When you’re courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. ~Albert Einstein

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? ~George Carlin

It ain’t over ‘til it’s over. ~Yogi Berra

I need six months’ vacation, twice a year. ~Author Unknown

I do all my own stunts but never intentionally. ~Author Unknown

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? ~Robin Williams

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. ~Author Unknown

Witty Quotes (21-30)

Hard work never killed anyone but why take a chance? ~Edgar Bergen

I’d like to live like a poor man, only with lots of money. ~Pablo Picasso

No man goes before his time, unless the boss leaves early. ~Groucho Marx

Age is something that doesn’t matter unless you’re a cheese. ~Luis Buñuel

The man who says his wife can’t take a joke forgets she took him. ~Oscar Wilde

I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food. ~W.C. Fields

To err is human; to blame it on someone else shows management potential. ~Author Unknown

Always borrow money from a pessimist. They’ll never expect it back. ~Author Unknown

If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light in the refrigerator? ~Author Unknown

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island, what book I would take with me? …. “How to Build a Boat” would be the answer. ~Author Unknown

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50 funny birthday wishes for friends’ cards and gifts

10/18/2024 by

Dear reader, are you looking for some ideas for witty and funny birthday wishes for friends’ cards and gifts?

Well, here are 50 suggestions that might amuse you and help you produce a memorable gem to tease your best friend on his or her birthday card.

Everyone loves witty comments.

Enjoy them all.

And please feel free to pass them on.

Funny birthday wishes for friends (1-25)

Birthdays are just nature’s way of telling you to eat more cake.

May your hair dye and mascara never run! Happy Birthday, old girl!

I’m not obsessed with age but I really can’t believe how old you are.

Age is just a number. In your case a very large number, dear friend.

You’re as old as you are dear to me. And you’re very, very dear to me.

The mirror doesn’t lie, and at your age, you’re lucky it doesn’t laugh either.

Dearest friend, I hope you get 100 birthday cards today! To match your age!

I wouldn’t say you’re old but even Keith Richards looks younger than you.

Happy Birthday, friend! Age is not a big deal. Not to me but then I’m still young.

Best wishes to a dear friend, who can tell me when bread was only five cents a loaf.

Your birthday only comes once a year but the wrinkles it brings will last a lifetime.

When you’re as old as you, there’s always cosmetic surgery. It’ll be a big job though.

Looking at you fills me with hope, that one day I might live to be as old as you are today.

Best wishes to a woman who’s been thirty for more years than either of us can remember.

You’re as old as you feel, and I’m guessing you’re feeling very, very old today. Happy Birthday!

You’re how old? OMG, that’s dead in doggy years! Be glad you’re not a dog. Happy Birthday!

Today, girl, there are things we can all marvel at. Like the length of time that you’ve been on this planet. Truly amazing!

I looked at today’s date and I realized it was your birthday, dearest friend! Then I thought about the year you were born! I’m surprised you’re still mobile and have all your own teeth.

Today, dearest friend, you have made me so grateful for something … that I’m not as old as you!

Before there were maps, people used the stars to guide them. I’d love to hear your stories about the challenges of getting around when you were young. Happy Birthday!

Dearest friend, it’s so special to know someone who was around when the pyramids were being built. Happy Birthday!

As the years’ pass, you might ache a little more. But that’s only because you’re getting old! Happy Birthday.

As your friend, I’m here to remind you of things that are important in life. Like ‘Are you sure you’re putting away enough money for your retirement?’

Dearest friend, remember you should count your blessings, not your years. Well, you don’t really have enough time left to count all your years!

I know you’re downhearted about your age this year but worry not. Your best mate will be there to help you blow out all the candles on your cake, so you can feel like a kid again!

Funny birthday wishes for friends (26-50)

I wouldn’t call you ancient, but it’s a privilege to know someone who was involved with the construction of Stonehenge! Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to the woman who has it all! Hearing loss, cataracts, hypertension, back pain and osteoarthritis to name but a few. Still, it’s your birthday, so enjoy!

You’re a woman whose very presence makes others happy. Thanks for reminding us that we’re not as old as you. Happy Birthday!

Sometimes, I feel like you’ve been around forever! That’s probably because you have! Happy Birthday!

As someone who’s been around since before the age of electricity, you’ve kept yourself in good shape. Well, round is still a shape. Happy Birthday!

Everyone thinks you’re really young, dearest friend, but only because you lie about your age. Happy Birthday!

Here’s to the years that you’ve been alive; there’s been so many yet you still survive. Incredible, when you think about it.

On your birthday, people often will tell you that you’re still a young man. Don’t believe them, they’re liars!

Don’t think of yourself as old today. You just have a lot more experience of life than most people.

Your beard is grey and your hairline’s disappeared below the horizon but, on the upside, there’ll be cake today.

May your birthday be filled with joy and a glass or two of wine. Well, if there’s wine I’m sure that’ll be good enough

Best wishes to a woman who thinks she’s still young but isn’t. However your embrace of delusion is impressive.

Facing another birthday, you might fear becoming an old man. Well, you needn’t worry because you’ve been an old man for years now.

Happy Birthday to a man who has witnessed first-hand so many great things! Like the invention of the steam engine.

I was going to make a joke about your age, but that would be a bit cruel, wouldn’t it? Happy Birthday!

They say memory fades as you get older. So, I’m guessing now you probably don’t remember life as it was when dinosaurs roamed the earth.

Honey, today on your birthday you don’t need to lift a finger. Don’t worry about the messy house or the dishes. I don’t mind. You can deal with them tomorrow. Happy Birthday!

You never seem to age, so let me remind you how old you really are: you’re old enough to drink, young enough to get pregnant, and just the right age to make something of yourself. So by all means, hurry up before it’s too late! Oh, and many happy returns.

I’d have put candles on your cake but there would have been so many that the carbon footprint would have breached the UNFCCC Paris Climate Accord.

40’s the old age of youth and 50’s the youth of old age. However, I’ve no idea what your age represents.

Happy Birthday to you. I hope you enjoy your day as much as I’ll enjoy eating free cake and ice cream.

I’m not saying you’re old but the songs on your iPhone are too old even for the GOLDEN OLDIES station to play.

Happy Birthday to someone who’s getting more valuable and better with age. Oh wait-a-minute, that’s wine. Happy Birthday to someone who’s just getting old!

I know you’re not thirty, flirty and thriving but hey, you’re still driving! That’s not bad for someone of your age.

Happy Birthday to someone good looking, smart, charismatic, and charming. No hang on a minute, I meant from someone good looking, smart, charismatic, and charming.

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If so please share this post with your friends on social media.

When you share, everyone wins. It’s always a good idea to pass on the smiles.

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25 brilliant one-liner quotes that’ll raise a smile

06/15/2024 by

brilliant one-liner quotesHere are 25 brilliant one-liner quotes guaranteed to raise a smile. I loved them all and I’m confident you will too. Enjoy!

Brilliant one-liner quotes:

  1. Everything’s difficult before it’s easy.
  2. I do all my own stunts but never intentionally.
  3. Don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.
  4. Your secret’s safe with me. I wasn’t even listening.
  5. If only we could invoice people for wasting our time.
  6. I’m going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow.
  7. Work is just something I’m doing until I win the lottery.
  8. Sarcasm is just punching people in the face with words.
  9. The road to success has so many tempting parking spaces.
  10. You never know what you’ve got until you clean your room.
  11. Be like the postage stamp. Stick to a thing until you get there.
  12. I intended to behave but there were so many other options.
  13. If Cinderella’s shoe was such a perfect fit, why did it fall off?
  14. Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it’s only Tuesday.
  15. Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it.
  16. Revenge sounds so mean. I prefer to call it returning the favour.
  17. They say nothing’s impossible but I’ve been doing nothing all day.
  18. I’m still waiting for the wisdom I was assured would come with age.
  19. If one door opens when another closes, your house is probably haunted.
  20. You know it’s time to move on when the best part of your job is a chair that swivels.
  21. If you want your children to listen to you, try talking in a very low voice to someone else.
  22. If you’re going to get into trouble for hitting someone, you might as well hit them hard.
  23. People who can’t find time for rest and recreation will be forced to make time for illness, sooner or later.
  24. All I’m saying officer is that if you caught me then you must have been speeding too and no one is above the law.
  25. When you get angry take a deep breath and count to 10. Then throw a punch at 8. Nobody expects that.

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If any of these one-liners made you smile then please share this post with your friends on social media.

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Put a smile on someone else’s face and you’ve done your good deed for the day. So go on, please share this post now.

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35 witty quotes from funny people you’ll love

01/22/2024 by

witty quotes from funny peopleI love witty quotes from the funniest people, and I always make a note of the best ones in my journal.

Today, I thought I’d share some of them with you, dear reader.

Here are 35 of the best witty quotes from some very funny people, and I hope you enjoy them all. Certainly, I did.

Witty quotes:

  1. One in four frogs is a leapfrog. ~Chris Turner
  2. My cat is recovering from a massive stroke. ~Darren Walsh
  3. A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it. ~Ross Smith
  4. I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring. ~Leo Kearse
  5. I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister. ~Will Marsh
  6. Words can’t express how much I hate World Emoji Day. ~Christian Talbot
  7. I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day. ~Aatif Nawaz
  8. Thing is, we all just want to belong. But some of us are short. ~Lou Sanders
  9. Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat. ~Joe Lycett
  10. Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask. ~ Jordan Brookes
  11. A rescue cat is like recycled toilet paper. Good for the planet, but scratchy. ~Chris Turner
  12. Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy. ~Richard Stott
  13. I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  14. Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open. ~Paul F. Taylor
  15. I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed. ~Olaf Falafel
  16. I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years. ~Alfie Moore
  17. My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young, he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs. ~Rhys James
  18. My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief. ~Mark Watson
  19. One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say, ‘Ah well, you only live once.” ~Hardeep Singh Kohli
  20. You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your bookcase. ~Rob Beckett
  21. I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting! ~Stewart Francis
  22. Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of angry birds. Bad example. ~Bridget Christie
  23. The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much’. ~Andrew Bird
  24. I’m sure wherever my Dad is: he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending. ~Jack Whitehall
  25. Oh my god, mega drama the other day: My dishwasher stopped working! Yup, his visa expired. ~Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop
  26. It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road. ~Olaf Falafel
  27. Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him’. ~Carey Marx
  28. I don’t have the Protestant work ethic, I have the Catholic work ethic; in that, I don’t work but I do feel very guilty about that. ~Rory O’Keeffe
  29. I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it. ~Adele Cliff
  30. When I found out the amusement park was taking photos of me on their rides without my permission I was fluming. ~Olaf Falafel
  31. I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket. ~Stuart Laws
  32. I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa. ~Rob Auton
  33. My sister had a baby and they took a while to name her and I was like, ‘Hurry up!’ because I didn’t want my niece to grow up to be one of these kids you hear about on the news where it says, ‘The 17-year-old defendant, who hasn’t been named’. ~Jenny Collier
  34. I just bought underwater headphones and it’s made me loads faster. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times. ~Felicity Ward
  35. I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting. ~Paddy Lennox

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You do? I hope so anyway.

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So please share this post now. If you can do that for me, then I’ll be forever grateful. You’ll be helping a keen blogger reach a wider audience, and that will be your good deed for the day.

Thank you.

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